#one of my favorite screens I've ever taken quite possibly-

[abyssalmermaiden]

"I am the mask you wear" ~ "It's me they hear"

The Phantom Of The Allagan Opera

Passion And The Allagan Opera

[jimmyogames]

Six-Shooter: The Best Part of LISA: The Painful

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*****

<Spoilers for LISA: The Painful>

So,

I like LISA. Quite a lot. LISA: The Painful is not exactly but very close to my favorite game of all time (MOTHER 3 still the goat), and fan projects like LISA: The Pointless have enamored me for over half a decade at this point. To say that I "like" LISA would be an understatement so great that it wraps back around to being an overstatement. I. Love. LISA. (The Painful and Pointless the other stuff is like eehhhhh).

It was inevitable, then, that I'd end up talking about LISA here. In fact, I'll probably talk about LISA a lot, discussing aspects of both the official titles and the numerous fanworks — even the ones of middling quality.

To begin, though, I'd like to gush about a particular part of The Painful that I don't see nearly enough people talk about. I've seen praise for the game's masterful opening, how well the first few areas introduce the themes and mechanics, and much more... but no one gives this specific stretch of game its due applause. This post is dedicated to correcting that.

The part of the game I'm referring to is the gauntlet of agony that Brad must face in the interim between the first and second crossroads of the game. In six distinct events, which I will henceforth refer to as the "Six-Shooter", LISA: The Painful shows you what it's really made of. If you thought things up that point were brutal... sister, you're about to get a cold splash to the face.

I was hooked on The Painful since the intro, but the Six-Shooter section of the game is what really cemented this game as one of the most profound I've ever played... and one of the most soul-crushing, at that.

As previously mentioned, the Six-Shooter gauntlet is comprised of... well, six events. It's only natural, then, to cover each of them in order and examine the effect they have both individually and as part of the greater section.

Things start out small enough, but no less dramatic: immediately upon crossing the bridge that you spent all of Crossroads One trying to fix, you are hit by a car. Or, at least, I was. If your reaction time is sharp enough, it's possible to avoid the surprise by jumping down onto a nearby ledge, but the window is pretty tight even if you know what's coming. Already, the game has taken its gloves off. You're not given even a second to relax, to consider your adventure up to that point, or anything else. The wasteland only gets more hostile from here, and if you're not ready for it, you're gonna be roadkill. As if one obstacle barreling toward you wasn't enough, quickly following the car ambush is an attack from a luchador looking mfer who will royally wreck your shit if he gets you. This time, though, it's very easy to see him coming and get out of the way accordingly; but the fact that the game has the audacity to pull the same trick on you twice in a row I think speaks volumes about what you're getting yourself into. And for the cyanide-filled cherry on top, right next to the luchador, there's a cave where you can encounter another wonderful Lisa hallucination to feel awful about. It's a one-two mechanic-narrative gut punch, and things are just getting started.

This next bit isn't actually one of the six main events, but it's worth an honorable mention: after the previous screen, you come across a lone man resting his legs. You can talk to him, and he seems like a pleasant fellow! He asks you if you're well-stocked for the road and generally makes polite conversation. Take two steps to the right — boom, he's got a knife and is gunning for your throat. With this one little scene, the game is hammering in a nail that's been there since the beginning of your journey: you can't trust any of these d-bags.

But Cosmo Cassamassa (yes that's really the name of that guy) is nothing compared to your first actual roadblock, and the next of the big six agonies: Sweet Tea Rakeem, the man standing sentinel before your path forward. Rakeem is the first of the game's bosses — except for some of the mutant enemies, if you didn't prepare well — that will really saw your dick off and make you eat it. He has the highest health of any enemy up to that point; he hits like a train made of bricks; and to really put the squeeze on you, your choices for party members as of this part of the game are... let's just say limited. That's not to say that you aren't well-prepared for this. I think the game does a good job of giving you the tools to get through everything it throws at you, should you choose to explore and engage with it. It's just that Rakeem demands more of you than the enemies you've fought before. He wastes no turns, and he never pulls his punches. You have to get real — real quick — if you want to overcome this goliath man.

Though the mechanical challenges so far have been great, the game's upcoming emotional challenges are arguably even more intense to stomach. Case in point: as you continue past where Rakeem stood, you find Rick, one of Brad's childhood friends and adoptive uncle of Buddy. Rick has been missing since Buddy was taken at the start of the game, so seeing him again comes as a shock to both Brad and the player. What no doubt continues to shock the player is what happens next: Rick, evasive and aloof, is attacked and tied up by Brad. All of a sudden, it's as if Rick is a different person, claiming Brad is a lunatic and that Buddy is better off away from him. This, obviously, isn't what Brad wants to hear, and soon it becomes clear that something in him has snapped. When Rick refuses to answer his questions, Brad equips himself with a spiked club and... well, tenderizes Rick's face. Over and over again. By the time the metaphorical dust clears, Rick is done for, beaten beyond recognition by his own best friend; and when all is said and done, all you can do is continue ahead, leaving him to rot against a power pole. It's a brutal scene even among The Painful's cavalcade of gruesome scenes, and it's sure to stir pause in any reasonable person playing. After all, up to this point, you aren't aware of the full circumstances of Buddy's relationship with Brad and her kidnapping. You don't know anything; but Brad and Rick have history, history that you can only glimpse through their sparse dialogue with each other. Even still, watching him getting battered to a bloody pulp is hard, and though there's nothing challenging about it gameplay-wise... I can only speak for myself, but on my first run of the game, it was difficult for me to bring myself to keep pressing the action button. I desperately wanted things to play out differently, but The Painful emulates life in that sometimes, there is only one option.

That is, of course, until you are given a choice — and you wish you could go back to that scripted sequence beyond your control.

You could be forgiven for thinking that, after enduring the mechanical difficulty of Rakeem and the emotional turmoil of beating Rick to death, you'd have even some reprieve. Except, you actually couldn't be forgiven, because this is LISA: The Painful, and as you should know by now, this game will never let you get comfortable. If you haven't learned that by now, you will as soon as you walk into the next cave and have your first mandatory meeting with Buzzo, the sociopathic cross between a Mad Max warlord and the god damn Joker. So, Buzzo is here to give you that choice you were longing for earlier. Instead of being forced to do one thing with no other outcomes, you now have two different paths: you can either choose to permanently cripple Brad by chopping his arm off, or permanently lose one of your party members. A similar decision was presented to you near the start of the game, where the bully Columbo makes you pick between your "beloved" friend Terry Hintz, or all the random bullshit in your pockets. The thing about that choice, though, is that it's not too rough either way you go. If you elect to give Terry up, you're not much worse off, since he's still pretty useless at such a low level; and if you give away all your items... well, there's not too too much you can lose out on. Just a bit of money and some minor healing.

Buzzo's choice is awful either way, and there's nothing you can do to soften the blow. The best you can do is arrange your party in such a way that you sacrifice a team member you aren't using, but as you'll soon find out, even doing that isn't necessarily a good idea. This dire choice — this uncompromising fork in the road leading to two equally terrible destinations — is arguably the very crux of The Painful as a whole. Don't quote me on this, but I believe Austin Jorgenson said in an interview before the game came out that he wanted to create an experience that forces you into a corner at times. His vision was a brutal, stultifying world constantly had a knife against your hand — where there would be times when you had to select which finger it took off. I usually choose to offer up a party member to the chopping block, since I'm intimately familiar with how disposable they can be; but on my first playthrough? I froze up. I knew party members could die, but I didn't think the game would hold me at gunpoint and demand I either let one go or suffer a serious debuff to Brad, your only forever party member. It would be one thing if, as soon as you left Crossroads One, you were made to play this Saw trap as if it were a toll you needed to pay to leave the area. To buffer this situation until after all the aforementioned tribulations, though... I can only speak for myself, but I think that's fucking genius. The Painful is a game that knows how to grind a player down, to soften them up so that the biggest hits deliver the most... well, pain possible.

And we're still not done. Like all the prior events, you get no time to rest before you're thrust right into the next setpiece. The moment Buzzo unleashes you and you get to continue forward, you're plopped into the seat of a motorcycle — without a helmet, naturally — and sent off to the races. Now, I'd be lying if I said this sequence was anything other than pure badass. The music combined with the sunset backdrop makes this chopper ride something straight out of a vaporwave gif. Going fast, popping wheelies, tricking off ramps, and mowing dudes down without giving a single, infinitesimal fuck is all just... cool. A little tedious, especially if you have to redo a part over and over because of those damn rocks, but still cool as hell! Unlike the last four "bullets" of the Six-Shooter, this part is actually fun, and that's not a bad thing. If you think that a sequence like this defeats the purpose of that "never let up" attitude the game has taken insofar, don't worry; this joyride is short-lived and ends with a bang. As the enigmatic Rando saunters off and leaves you alone with some goons, you're right back into the thick of things. No more motorcycle, no more banger tunes, no more coolness. It's time for you to finally taste the blood in your mouth following the encounter with Buzzo. The battle against the Rando soldiers isn't anything ball-busting, but it reminds you to never get too attached to the little pleasures in this world; because just when you think everything is alright again, the rug is gonna be pulled right out from under you.

The game has saved the worst for last, though, and anyone who's played The Painful before will know exactly what's coming up. Before you get to Crossroads Two, there's one last hurdle you must vault — one last test of your will to overcome. Just as you exit out into the crossroads prelude, you're ambushed yet again, and the people who you meet will have you begging for Buzzo to come back. That's because your ambushers take you captive, and the only way to secure your freedom is to play Russian Roulette. This is perhaps The Painful's most infamous moment, even among such competition as the Rick scene and Buzzo's dastardly choices. The difference between the Roulette game and those scenes is that the latter are set in stone. Every time you play the game, you'll be forced to go through the same rigmarole. Whether or not you choose to cut off Brad's arm or kill a party member is irrelevant; those are always your options. You always have to beat Rick to shit. Now, you always have to play Russian Roulette, but how what ends up happening during is all up to luck.

This is The Painful at its most brilliant and subversive. It reads like a cruel joke: after everything you've endured, after dragging yourself through dismal moment after dismal moment, the fate of you and your party is left up to chance. You select a party member to spin the roulette, and they either live... or die. It's a one in six chance with every pull of the trigger. The only say you have in the matter is which of your gathered bozos will potentially have their brains dispensed onto the nearby wall. It'd be one thing if the game made you do this once, and regardless of whether you win or lose, you get to continue after; but you have to play thrice. Oh, did I say play? I meant win thrice. That means, depending on your luck, you can wipe out your entire fucking party... without even having completed the first round. On the flipside, you could breeze through the whole thing without even breaking a sweat, and that's the real beauty of it. For some people, this part will be a blink-and-you-miss-it type deal. For most, though? The Russian Roulette segment will live on in infamy as one of the sickest, most unfair things a game can sic on you; and the fact that you can choose to come back to gamble away more of your party members' lives only underlines the twisted punchline.

But the game forcing you to play Russian Roulette to continue only works as well as it does because it's the capstone to an entire saga of upsetting events. Had the Roulette minigame been something off to the side that you could participate in if you felt like, sure, it'd be fucked up conceptually, but you probably wouldn't think much of it. Having the minigame be not only mandatory, but also strike you after so much other misfortune is what makes it not just great, but a god damn diamond of game design.

The transition between Crossroads One and Crossroads Two of The Painful — the Six-Shooter — is a rollercoaster made of barbed wire, and if you think it's bad on the way up, you couldn't imagine what it's like on the way down. Every event sets up the next to be exponentially more torturous: it starts with a one-time event of getting hit by a car, then it cranks up the heat with a gameplay challenge, then it hits you in the heart with a disturbing and upsetting scene, and then... it just keeps going. It does not stop. You are not allowed a second to process just how bad things are getting. Just when you think it can't get any worse than being hosed with broken glass, the game turns on the razor blades. This sequence is gruesome; it's anti-player; it's anti-fun; it defies everything you expected about a game with cartoon nipple men; but above all, it. Is. Painful.

That's why LISA is my (second) favorite game — because it makes you hurt and doesn't apologize, doesn't help you up, and instead goes on to pour salt into that oozing wound. It's a truly draining experience that will make you want to put the game down and never touch it again.

But sometimes, that's life.

[chiarrara]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

Oh my gosh this is impossible, I like too much and I'm the most indecisive motherfucker. I actually agonized over this, like this is so broad I was trying to think of everything I've ever liked, and what do you mean by favorite, and do I like the story because of the characters or the narrative, and how much do I like them now vs. how much I used to like them. I was doing way too much.

Basically, this is a list (loosely ordered) of my favorite characters (probably) right NOW, either based in recency bias, or in their lasting ability to remain a favorite years later A.K.A. characters that altered my brain chemistry because I'm insane about them:

Yuri Plisetsky - Yuri!!! On Ice

Yuri Plisetsky is my favorite of all time. If the rest of the list isn't quite in order, he's still at the top every time. There are some characters that just click for you and he's one of them. You're gonna start seeing a pattern here with some of these characters so it might just be that I have a type, but either way I love him like he's me. I love to put him in situations. I love to explore his character. I love to imagine his future. And I love his lil face. He's just so determined, and so angry, and I adore him and all his flaws.

2. Otabek Altin - Yuri!!! On Ice

Now listen, he's not a major character, he doesn't have a lot of screen time, but he made a huge, huge impact. It's not a coincidence that I love Yuri P so much, Otabek is so high because of Yuri P. But ultimately, he's one of my all time favorites because of a version of him that exists in fanfiction and fanon. Specifically, I love Otabek because of "From Almaty, With Love", my favorite fic of all time. I love to inhabit his mind, but also I just love him. He's the type of guy who's nothing like me, but I wish I was more like him. Also, I'm just a sucker for the strong and silent type.

3. Megumi Fushiguro - Jujutsu Kaisen

Current biggest projection target. Oh my god how this lil guy has taken over my mind. I watched JJK for the first time in December, but I don't think I really got insane about Megumi until I read the manga and... just check out my tag #megumi fushiguro's gay little hands. He's just so compelling to me. I just love a grumpy teen. I love a troubled little guy. I love how out of touch with his emotions he is. I love that he's insane. I want to put him in every possible situation and see what he does. He's my favorite, I don't know what to say.

4. Ahsoka Tano - Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Ahsoka!!! I love her so much!!!!! It's been a while since I watched The Clone Wars, and I'm off the Star Wars hundred million franchise properties train right now, so I haven't watched the new show, and I probably won't because I like her just the way she is in Clone Wars and I don't need any more. She's the coolest girl, she pulls like crazy, she's some variety of lesbian, she's a skilled fighter, she has a great personality, and she's a brown girl for brown girls. Like, little boys get cool characters they can latch onto all the time, she's that for me. Love her forever.

5. Zuko - Avatar: The Last Airbender

Ahhhhh, Zuko. I'm gonna try to be normal about him. Best redemption arc ever written in any media ever. He's just so lovable. You get to know him even a little bit early on in the series (The Storm) and it's just...OH. You start to understand. And it just grows and grows from there. He's a sympathetic character (The Blue Spirit), but you don't pity him because you're with him every step of the way as he has to grow and fight through all the pain and conflict inside him (Bitter Work, The Avatar and The Firelord). And he makes the worst mistakes. He makes the wrong choices (Crossroads of Destiny). And he has to earn every little bit of his redemption. And he does. What an incredible character. One of the most iconic voices of all time (Dante Basco, I love you). Also, I just love him. "Hey, Zuko here!" He will always have my heart.

6. Yuuri Katsuki - Yuri!!! On Ice

It is actually impossible for me to pick only two pictures of Yuri Katsuki because he's just so precious in every single one in completely different ways. I wasn't sure at first if I was going to put him on this list because Yuri P dominates my thoughts around YOI so much. But I don't love Yuri On Ice because of Yuri P. When I'm actually in a rewatch, Yuri Katsuki reminds me how much I love and adore him and how much he really means to me. Discovering Yuri, and everything he doesn't show you through his unreliable narrator ass as the show goes on is so so special. And nothing in that show could make me fall in love with figure skating the way "Yuri on Ice" and "On Love: Eros" did. My 2017 Spotify Wrapped was 90% YOI music because I used to fall asleep to "Yuri on Ice" on repeat. I love him so much. He means so much to me. That's all I can say.

7. Rue Bennett - Euphoria

She is me. I am her. This is less about her character, and more about how she allows me to see myself and be seen. My weakest parts. My most painful parts. The worst experiences of my life. I don't think I've ever related to a character or what they have gone through more than I have with Rue. I don't think I've ever related to a character's flaws and worst moments more than I have with Rue. Say what you will about Euphoria, I don't care. It's so important to me because of Rue. At least....Season 1 is.

8. Effy Stonem - Skins (UK)

Are we starting to see the patterns here? Effy Stonem is THE original indie sleaze girl. I wanted to be her sooooo bad. I wanted to be her in Gen 1 (I loved Effy Stonem before Gen 2, I'm not like other girls. lmao, anyway...) Skins was a very formative piece of media for me. There is no world where I love Euphoria without having loved Skins first. Skins and Effy made me want to go to raves in Bristol, wear ripped tights, take MDMA, smoke spliffs and cigarettes 24/7... it was actually such a bad influence, but it means a lot to me. I loved Effy from her first appearance on screen, and I loved her until her last. Kaya Scodelario you will always be famous.

9. Ash Lynx - Banana Fish

Ash Lynx is one of the most complicated and compelling characters I have ever seen. I had a hard time deciding to include him because I don't feel like you can divorce Ash the character from Banana Fish the story, or from Eiji and their relationship. Do I love him as his own character, or do I love Banana Fish in its entirety? But I do love him. He's very special to me. Banana Fish is about him. It's a love letter to him, in a way. You can't love Banana Fish without loving Ash, everyone around Ash loves Ash, even the horrible people who want to claim him. His pain and trauma is so overwhelming, but you as the audience can see the person he is through all of that even if he can't, and you just want him to find happiness and see it for himself someday. And be safe for the first time in his life. A tragic hero who really shouldn't have been in a tragedy. An unfair tragedy. He deserves the world.

10. Kyo Sohma - Fruits Basket

At this point you have to be seeing the pattern. I love a well-written grumpy boy. And I love Kyo Sohma so, so much. I watched 2001 right before 2019 and let me tell you, the vidication... I was absolutely in love with 2001 Kyo, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. He was my little shojo crush, it was fine if he wasn't Tohru's. Then I popped on 2019, and he had the SAME VOICE ACTOR!?!?!? Bro, the way I melted. And then the show went on and I noticed he was being framed a little different than he was in 2001???? I mean, if you want my whole watch through check my #fruits basket 2019 tag. I had a whole journey. Let's be so honest, Kyo is on here because I'm in love with him. But also, he's an amazing character with so much deep turmoil from really really difficult circumstances, and he still manages to be caring and attentive and kind, along with a million other amazing character traits. Most character of all time. I love him so much.

BONUS (Characters I can't believe didn't make this list):

The Entire Skins Gen 1 Main Cast (who I love more than Effy, but I can't pick just one favorite), Suguru Geto (who's creeping up on me more and more as I dive deeper into his character), Eiji Okumura (the other half of AshEiji, and just the sweetest boy alive who's also the biggest ride-or-die I love him), and Victor Nikiforov (out of the YOI cast, he's my least most favorite, but I love him so much and his lil heart mouth. He's a star, he is the moment, give him his flowers).

[chidorisjournal]

Wolchefant Week Starter

As ever, I find myself both behind and trying to keep up with a thousand new things. So I've made a new blog, a new space, and I'm trying to get over being three days behind on a screen shot challenge that's only seven days long. why? Oh, who knows, probably because I'm not insane enough. So here's the prompt list because otherwise I will lose it, and maybe, just maybe, day 1 for myself.

Call it, then, their first, last, never kiss. A bit of an old write. Shiny new screenshot. I've added a cut because there are spoilers if you're not through HW.

The Ghost of Dragonhead

It was a dream. She knew it was, because it was the same dream, the one she always had on the heels of remembering Tsukune, remembering that first love. Like her mind wanted to rake her over the coals with remembering her second. She’d loved Tsu in the way of teenagers, unconditionally, unequivocally, convinced no one could ever possibly understand they way they felt. She could laugh at it now, the way she’d believed in them, the inevitability of them. She could feel it, an ache that would never completely heal in her heart, the knowledge that she’d been young and a fool for Tsu and then less young and just as much a fool all over again. She’d smile, if the dream would let her, though it was half memory and half wish, knowing that she’d never had the same ‘I would eat my heart for you’ for the elezen she was currently looking at that she’d had for Tsu. Yet she’d never considered she’d loved him any less.

Haurchefant’s hands were warm, just as they had been every time he’d touched her, gentle as he cupped her face in the falling snow. She’d hated Ishgard at first, cold, and cruel. It had seemed that everyone gave her a shoulder so far beyond cold as to be icy; and it had only taken a day to stop turning every half second. Yes, she’d realized, everyone was staring. It was the tail, the scales, the horns, you name it. She looked different, she looked draconic and she was an outsider. It did her nerves no good, but jumping because she felt eyes on her back hardly helped. Then she met him, the object currently filling her vision and sleeping mind. The bastard of a High House, the commander of Camp Dragonhead, and quite possibly the single friendliest person in the whole snow-blasted country.

This dream was almost the memory of coming in out of the snow at Dragonhead after a successful hunt, save they were alone. It was almost the wish of what might have been, as the silver haired object of her affection slid his thumbs along her jaw, tilting her mouth up to his. She knew it wasn’t real, they’d never kissed like this, not in the foyer of the Camp, where anyone could have seen the Commander and the Warrior of Light. He wouldn’t have sullied her name with association to his, and she’d never had the courage to tell him she hadn’t cared. In her memory, he tasted of his favorite hot chocolate, sweet with an undertone of bitter, rich and dark, and the dream ended as it always did, her lips chasing his as he pulled away, hands tracing her skin as wish turned to memory turned to terror, a bolt of Light she couldn’t stop, couldn’t get a shield up in time, aether not fast enough as betrayal slashed across her retinas and cast Haurchefantaway from her, tumbling his body like a rag doll, so unlike the real moment and still so painful, so impossible. The dream of her stumbled, moving to his side, listening to his soft voice entreat her, one last time, to smile for him, and she woke, as she always did, curled around herself, cheeks wet with tears.

Nothing but a dream.

[leezlelatch]

Copia x Female Reader: Sick Day

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

Fall finally descends on the Ministry. Torrential rains have already plucked away the lovely reds and oranges which had lined the well-trod pathways through the courtyards and gardens hidden within the church's walls, much to the chagrin of the Siblings of Sin who spent the uncharacteristically warm weather sprawled beneath fluttering leaves.

Now, the cold weather set in, bundling everyone into cloaks and scarves. Fireplaces roar pleasantly in nearly every corner of the building, central heating not quite up to date within the charming, yet antiquated abbey. Even Papa's sermons have taken a yuletide turn, urging his flock to find warmth in the joys of giving and receiving over the winter months. Clothing optional.

However, with weather changes inevitably comes illness.

You open your eyes with a groan, swallowing thickly several times and taking stock of the burning in your throat. Reaching out a hand haphazardly, you fumble around for your bottle of water, leaning on your elbow as you chug the drink, your expression souring as you realize that yes, it is a sore throat. '

"You don't look well," your roommate chimes from her side of the room, glancing at you through the mirror she stands at as she adjusts her outfit for the day.

Habits are...optional. You have one, and wear it for mass, or various other Ministry dealings where necessary, but the entire point of your religion is freedom of expression. The Ministry may have many Catholic similarities, intentionally so, but they aren't quite so austere as Frankie's institution.

"I don't feel well," you respond, laying your head heavily on the pillow, feeling a cough tickle at the back of your throat that you try desperately to stifle, and fail.

"You've been coughing a little the last few days, did you take anything to help?"

"No, but I should have known better," you sigh. "My consequences."

Your roommate walks over to her bedside table, grabbing her phone. Her side of the room is an entire juxtaposition to yours, very neutral, minimalist. Yours is cluttered with Ghost posters, vinyl, books, and other odds and ends you find very important to keep. Let someone take your 90s troll doll from your cold, dead hands.

"I've got to go, but...feel better?" Your roommate says, making her way to the door. You wave at her without saying anything. Your relationship is friendly without the important aspect of an actual relationship. You sleep in the same room. It doesn't go much beyond that.

Lying in abject misery for several seconds, your eyes suddenly widen as you grip your phone, staring at the time on the screen. You're supposed to meet with the Cardinal today after novitiate classes. Ever since you've begun to spend time with him in the illustrious presence of the rat Portobello, you and Cardinal Copia have become quite close, and are growing ever closer. He is sweet, not merely in his personality, but his actions. He remembers things about you - a favorite drink, snack, film, something silly you mention off hand, and will often show up to your little meetings with a treat or a happy thought about your special interests that absolutely tickle you pink.

Copia likes to make puns, often leaving you in a fit of giggles from the absurd and sometimes vulgar things that come out of that man's mouth. And yet, everytime you laugh, that same look of wonderment passes over his features, as if he cannot possibly believe that you find his jokes funny. You often want to hug him in those moments, but physical touch begins and ends with an occasional touch of his gloved hand against yours or with the gentle way he enjoys escorting you around the abbey - his hand at the small of your back, ensuring no obstacles impede your steps.

Today, you offered to help him with a little organization work in his office. Copia has a computer, he can use it, and he has a phone, which he can also use despite texting as if he's never seen one, but when it comes to the more intricate workings of a Ministry attempting to hurtle into the 21st century, he has his difficulties.

"It's a generational thing," you had attempted to explain one evening. "Nothing to be ashamed of."

Copia had merely ducked his head, "Must I be so much older than you, cara mia?"

You had sat back, surprised and distressed by the mournful way he spoke, as if his age had any bearing on how you saw him. As if his age hindered the fluttering in your chest every single time he looked at you. You spent the rest of that evening trying to pull him out of his melancholy, to reassure him that his age merely allowed him to know and share with you a great many things you didn't, that you didn't mind your age gap at all. He had chuckled at that. But you knew he didn't believe you, or at least, didn't believe himself.

Hastily finding his name in your phone, Copia picks up on the second ring, his tone jovial as he greets you by name, the lilting way his accent wraps around the letters making you smile despite the unpleasant sting in your throat.

"I did not see you at breakfast," he continues happily. "I was surprised not to see a piccolo topo at the donut table, so I picked you up a few before they were all gone."

You thrill at the little nickname he gives you, knowing your penchant for sweets, and you sigh at his thoughtfulness that, unfortunately, transforms into a cough.

You can almost see Copia stop wherever he is walking, "Are you well?"

"Copia, I'm so sorry," you say, your voice rough. "I think I have a cold. I woke up feeling terrible."

"Oh no, do not apologize, cara," he clicks his tongue, a string of Italian escaping his lips. "I should have addressed that little cough of yours."

You almost laugh, "That's entirely my fault. I should have known it would turn into something."

"Have you taken anything?"

"I don't have any medicine here," you say, glancing around the room as if something would appear. You cough again, wincing, "My throat is pretty raw."

"Tesoro," Copia breathes into the phone. You're nearly alarmed with how upset he sounds, the endearment new as well. "You need to take something."

"I'll try to go down to see Matron, I just really don't want to get up right now."

"...are you alone?"

"Yes?" You furrow your brow at his anxious tone.

Copia breathes out slowly, "Your Cardinal will bring you something."

Click! The call ends. You pull the phone away from your face and stare at it incredulously, all at once surprised, panicked that he'll see you in this state, and completely, all consumingly flustered by "Your Cardinal." Jumping out of bed, you sway, your head fit to explode from a headache, and attempt to make yourself and your room presentable. What does he mean he's bringing you something!? You can hardly imagine Cardinal Copia in your small dormitory room as if you haven't been in his rooms a few times already.

"That's different," you mutter to yourself, throwing a discarded shirt previously on the floor in the hamper. It really wasn't any different, but you're sick, you aren't going to admit to shit.

Your urgency is unneeded as the dreaded knock on your door does not occur until nearly 30 minutes later. You slowly open the door, the squeak of the old wood perfect for your current mental state. Copia stands just beyond, dressed in his black cassock, a paper bag in one hand, thermas peaking out, and Portobello's small cage in the other.

"Hello, cara," Copia says in that small voice that is simultaneously high-pitched and deep in his throat. He shifts on his feet, lips parted slightly as he gazes at you, eyes trailing over your features as if he's analyzing you for visible injuries.

"Copia," you sigh his name, voice weak. "You brought our baby!"

Your enthusiasm sends you into another coughing fit, and you hastily back away and cover your mouth, your throat positively punishing you for it. You glance up at him sheepishly after, whispering a quiet apology. Copia looks around in a panic for a moment before finding a place to carefully lay Portobello's cage down, placing the bag near it.

Copia holds his hands up, index fingers pointed up as he shakes his head, "No, no! No apologizing, cara, huh? You are sick. And you should be in bed," he gestures to your bed as if he's waving you off. "Go on, or you will not get to see our child."

You nearly scramble to your bed and flop down, hearing him chuckle behind you as he bends down to rummage through the bag he brought.

"How did you know which bed was mine?" You can't help but ask.

Copia merely tilts his head up at you and raises a brow, "I know you." He leans back down, letting out a hum, "Also I very much doubt your roommate would have a poster of me."

You feel your stomach drop out from under you as you turn with a deadpan expression to stare at the tour poster on your wall.

"Would you like me to sign it?" Copia snickers, standing back up.

"Don't perceive me," you groan. "I am ill."

You lay back and pull the covers over your face, blushing furiously at the Cardinal's soft laughter. He is entirely pleased, warmth spreading through his chest to combat the worry he feels over your sickness. You like his music. Copia is suddenly struck with a feeling of accomplishment and pride that he had yet to feel since taking over the Ghost Project. The standards set by the Papas is intimidating at best, the expectations often debilitating, but knowing you keep his image? Oh, amata mia.

You suddenly feel something heavy on your stomach and peak over the edge of your blanket to see Portobello sniffing at the covers, little noises escaping him as he explores. Copia pulls your desk chair very close to your bedside, using your end table as a makeshift work space as he places several water bottles, medicine, and thermas on the surface.

You snuggle Portobello close to your chest, gently stroking his head as you continue to blush up at the Cardinal who appears very focused on his task. You watch as he carefully extracts the medicine from the packet, opening a bottle of water before turning to you with a tut and a soft smile as he takes in the sight of you and Portobello.

"Come now, 'Bello, your mother must take her medicine," he murmurs, carefully exchanging the rat for your medicine and water.

You once, accidentally, heard Copia refer to himself as "Daddy" to his little charges, and to his immense mortification, you were delighted and ran like hell with it. Portobello was both your baby, so...

Taking your medicine, you glance curiously at the thermas, "What's in there?"

Copia blushes, "It is, uh, soup. Soup for you. Chicken noodle. It is good when you are sick, no?"

Placing Portobello back on your chest, who promptly began to snooze, Copia unscrews the cap and carefully deposits the steaming soup into it, pulling out a spoon from his bag. You take it gratefully, your fingers brushing the Cardinal's, his index finger reaching out to linger against the back of your hand before pulling away.

You take a sip, sighing happily. It tastes so good, and you'll take the burning against your throat for this anyday.

"Where did you get it?"

"I...made it."

You look up at Copia, spoon halfway to your lips. He isn't looking at you, rather at the wall, his fingers drumming quickly against his thigh.

"Copia," you smile. "Thank you for taking care of me."

He looks at you then, urgently, leaning forward, his brow furrowing as he places an inquisitive hand on your arm. You nod, and his grip tightens.

"I will always care for you," he whispers. He looks so vulnerable in this moment, his eyes shining with some unsaid emotion. You are both on a precipice, hands clasped, ready to fall. The only question is, will someone step first? Or will you fall together?

"I don't want to infect you," you giggle softly, freeing a hand to gently place yours over his.

With a twinkle in his eye, Copia flips his hand so it is firmly grasping yours. He is here, with you, the rat that set you both on this path sleeping between you, and that is bliss.

"It is a chance I am willing to take," he smiles. "Now eat your soup."

[sope-and-shine]

Nap Of A Star

-> Pairing: Jeongguk(non-romantic)

-> SFW // Bittersweet // Self-Care

-> Word Count: 22.2K

-> Summary: Being a celebrity since a young age has ruined Jeongguk. He hasn’t been able to experience childhood life as he should have and that has taken a toll on his social life and his mental health. He’s become a shell of a human going through the motions, and it’s becoming a problem. When met with an unexpected visitor, Jeongguk is faced with a responsibility to do better for them both. But can he turn himself around when he’s already so far gone? 

-> Warning(s): Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, mild language, A child, tantrums, Jeongguk is mean and irrational at some points, Jin being the voice of reason, happy ending

a/n: I've had this fic in the back of my mind for over a year now and I am so happy to share it with everyone!! This is a concept that I really haven't seen anyone play with , so I really hope everyone likes it 🥺

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When you’re young, you have the entire world in front of you. As a kid, you imagine all the different ways your life will play out. There’s no end to the possibilities that await you in your future! An astronaut, a firefighter, a veterinarian, a teacher, and so many more to choose from. 

Jeongguk always thought he’d be a police officer. The uniforms always looked so cool to him, and he’d always seen them helping others. As a kid, he’d always look for different ways he could help others, his own way to be a police officer even if he was too young to be on the force. But as he grew older, he started to see more of an appeal for another job.

Acting.

His Mom was a drama extraordinaire while he was growing up, watching several different dramas at a time and being fully invested into each one. Every day after Jeongguk would come home from elementary school, she’d turn on the TV to her favorite crime drama: Detective Smooth. The story of Sherlock Holmes type casanova solving crimes across South Korea while he simultaneously tries to solve the murder of his fiance. The whole show was very lengthy and lasted quite a few seasons, and the storyline of the do-good detective made Jeongguk’s little crime fighting heart change its beat. And at the age of 8, Jeongguk finally got his chance to be an actor. 

His mother had taken notice of Jeongguk’s interest very quickly, and did all that she could to encourage him. She’d find clips of shows online and help him study the lines, and she even went as far as to enroll him in classes to improve his abilities. When the special school got an offer for auditions for a TV show, she didn’t hesitate to sign her approval. And two weeks later, Jeongguk was on the set of Detective Smooth working with the very man who inspired him to act.

“Toy Crimes”; Jeongguk’s very first episode - his TV debut. He played a young boy from a poor family, taking care of his family by robbing convenience stores with a toy gun he painted black. His character was  just a scared child, but the real Jeongguk was anything but scared to be on TV. The camera screen was where he belonged, and he made it known to everyone on set.

The other actors praised him for being so professional on his first shoot, and the director made plans with his mother to spread word about how great it is to work with her son. More offers for other roles were sent to their home, his mother received calls about modeling gigs and variety shows, and many offers for a manager were offered to him. That one episode - his first shot - shaped the beginning of Jeongguk’s career.

And it’s something the man has come to regret.

The first few years of being a childhood actor and model were amazing! They were fun, fast-paced, blissful, they gave Jeongguk everything he could ever want. Money to buy food, video games, merchandise, vacations, it was all available to him thanks to his career. As a pre-teen, he thought life couldn’t get any better. And in a way he was totally right, because his life didn’t get any better after that.

It didn’t take the poor kid too long to realize that money and fame could be a one way street, especially when it came to friends. He didn’t notice it as much when he first started out, if his friends were hungry then he’d offer to buy them food. Friends take care of each other, and he knew if it were the other way around then his friends would do the same. But food soon became toys and games and movies, and it started to feel like the only way his friends wanted to hang out with him was if he was paying for them to have fun. Eventually, Jeongguk just stopped going out with them. 

Then there were the variety shows. Places where he’d be left on stage by himself to talk to adults. He’d seen plenty of idols do it, and he always felt confident when he was in front of the cameras. But as he transitioned from child to teenager, he began to feel singled out. He felt that the MC’s would always do what they could to humiliate him. And there were some shows that would cut his footage to paint him in a bad light for some extra publicity. He was thankful when Jin finally told him he didn’t have to go on another one.

But the worst of his problems had to be going out. 

Every turn the poor kid would make there’d be someone waiting with a camera to make a quick buck. People on the street didn’t waste any time to stop him and say hi. It felt so amazing at first to be recognized as that kid from TV or from the magazine, but then it became far too overwhelming. People would crowd him, follow him home, follow him to his shoots, try to barge into his hotel rooms. Whatever someone could do to get close to him, they tried with everything they had. It was so bad that Jeongguk did the only thing left that he could possibly do.

He stopped going out.

He stopped making friends.

He stopped helping people.

This became a pretty big upset within the small friend group he did manage to salvage.

Just as early as he’d figured out how terrible having friends could be, Jeongguk managed to pick up a few decent ones. Not of his own volition of course, they all just happened to be constants in his life.

Jin - his manager - has been with the kid since he was 15, taking over the job for Jeongguk’s Mom to ease her own workload. He was much more skilled when it came to snagging deals and keeping Jeongguk’s face out of the news for any ridiculous reason. His Mom even insisted that they pay him more when Seokjin first chewed out an MC for getting too physical with him. Jin was there when Jeongguk first dropped his friends, and he was the first to notice when he began to distance himself from work once he left the building. 

Alongside Jin, Namjoon and Jimin didn’t take too long to figure out Jeongguk’s change. His motivation to continue his tutoring and training sessions took a downward spiral very fast, and both the teacher and the personal trainer noticed his lack of effort when they worked one on one together. They voiced their opinions to Jin about it, and they both at least attempted to talk to the actor about it in hopes of getting him to open up. But no one could get the kid to talk about his feelings.

Even Hoseok, Yoongi, and Taehyung couldn’t get an answer from the poor kid. Hoseok and Yoongi had both tried to talk to Jeongguk in between takes and the occasional shoot they would do together. In the makeup chair, they’d always talk to their stylists and try to pull him into the conversation, but he was just becoming more and more of a shell of his former self.

No matter what anyone tried, Jeongguk had just seemed to have given up. He walks around with a total disregard for everything - especially himself - but when asked, he just brushes everyone off. He’s made it clear with his silence and the way he pushes people away from him that he doesn’t want their help. It’s hard for them, but it’s even harder for him when deep down he knows he just wants a shoulder to lean on.

Everyday is the same: wake up, eat, go to work, make pointless conversation, attend lessons, go to training, eat, shower, get ready for bed. Nothing changes; nothing new happens. It’s all just another day in Jeongguk’s increasingly boring life. The only reason he hasn’t given up his career is because he’s so late in the game. With no other knowledge of what he can do with life and motivation at a tragically all time low, he can’t afford to change now.

Everyday his career is a constant reminder of how much he missed out on, and everyday he comes home and attempts to drink the pain away. For just a few hours, he can escape in the buzz. He can forget about everyone he’s let go and the sacrifices he’s made and forget the tears he sheds until the next morning when he has to wash them away.

He sits on his balcony, his back against the glass door and his head turned up to look at the city lights out in front of him. His eyes glisten in their glow, and he holds back the tears with another swig from his bottle. The night breeze sends a chill up his spine, and for once it’s something to feel. 

He used to lose sleep over how excited he was to go to work, and now he can’t sleep because he dreads the thought of stepping foot onto a set. He used to greet everyone on set with a smile, and now he almost always refuses to leave his trailer. He used to see talk show hosts and newscasters, and now he sees his therapist 2 times a month to make Jin happy. 

He used to be happy…

“What am I doing…?” He mutters to himself. His life used to be so much better. No one belittled him on the internet, no one stalked him back to his home, no one followed him across the globe just to touch him. He used to not have any care in the world, and now all he does is care. Everything about his current life just makes him want to scream and quit, but he’s too far gone to give it up. 

“I just-...” He chokes back a sob, “-why am I doing this anymore? I hate my life, I hate my job, I hate everything! Who would blame me for leaving?” But of course, he knows better than that. He scoffs, “Who am I kidding? Everyone would blame me.” 

He lifts his bottle in front of his face to watch the amber liquid swirl, but he catches his reflection. “Jesus, I’m such a mess...” A distorted version of him with messy hair and tear stains on his cheeks.

“I just wish I could do it over���” He wipes his face with his left sleeve, pressing the fabric over his eyes for just a moment before he throws his head back to look up at the stars. There’s a cluster above his apartment, one of those rare days when he can actually see past the light pollution. They burn bright, and it reminds him of Peter Pan and how the stars would take him to a land with no problems and he would never have to grow up. “If I could just tell myself that it’s not worth it, I would.”

“I just want one chance...”

*

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The pounding in Jeongguk’s head is very evident. His inability to open his eyes is a clear sign that he didn’t drink enough water and a sign to hold back on his alcohol intake the next time. Despite this, he’d need to get up and find some painkillers if he wanted the throbbing to go away. 

Wait…

Throbbing doesn’t feel like this. Most throbbing comes from the top of his head behind his eyes, but this feels like a constant tap to his cheek. No pain, just pressure. It takes everything the young actor has to open his eyes and let them adjust, but the child in front of him is the last thing Jeongguk expects to see. 

The blonde screams and jumps up from his bed, moving too far back from the small child and falling off the side of his bed and onto the floor. He lands on his shoulder and rolls over to his back, clutching his arm in pain with his eyes closed shut.

“Are you okay?” A small voice asks from above him.

Jeongguk squints through his pain to look up at his mini intruder, his brown eyes meeting those of the small child. His dark brown hair sits flat against his head for the most part - only a few pieces stick up out of place with his bangs coming down to the middle of his forehead. His small pout is very evident on the child’s chubby cheeks, and he’s almost drowning in the red hoodie that looks a size too big.

Jeongguk would find him absolutely adorable if he knew where he came from.

He sits up with a groan, massaging his sore shoulder before he looks back at the little boy sitting cross-legged on his bed, “How did you get in here?”

The little boy shrugs, “I don’t know.”

“Who let you in?”

“Nobody.”

“Well, you had to get in here somehow.” The little boy just shrugs again and points to the window, confusing Jeongguk - who lives on the 12th floor of his building. He moves forward and rests on his knees, resting his elbows on his bed to remain eye level with the small intruder, “What’s your name?”

“Jeongguk.”

This makes the young actor chuckle, “Well, hi Jeongguk. My name is Jeongguk too. Where are your parents? Is your Mom one of the cleaning ladies?”

The little boy squeals, “No, silly!” His giggles have him covering his mouth as if he’s trying to keep himself from spilling a secret. He’s so taken that he’s almost doubling over with laughter, and Jeongguk is left patiently waiting for an answer. Though he only gets the question, “Where is she?”

“I’m asking you.” The blonde reminds the little boy, slightly annoyed. He was never like this as a child.

The boy nods, “Yeah. You know where my Mom is.”

“You said she wasn’t a cleaning lady.”

The insinuation has the little boy falling into fits of giggles again, “She’s not a cleaning lady! She’s our Mom.”

“Our Mom?” Jeongguk questions in surprise, “There’s no way you’re my brother. Mom would’ve told me.”

“I’m not your brother.” The little boy laughs again - his giggling is almost infectious. He hops down from the bed and passes the blonde, walking right up to a blown up photo of Jeongguk’s first ever movie role. He copies the pose, inch by inch and smiles, “I’m you.”

Jeongguk looks between the child in his room and his poster on the wall. The only reason it’s still up is because his mother gifted that to him when he was 10, and now he’s hallucinating because of it. The similarities in the face are almost impossible, and - save for the height and the clothes - this little boy looks exactly like him when he was younger. It’s almost too much of a coincidence, but it’s not possible at all.

He gets up to find an older family photo, scouring his bookshelf for the photo album he’d slipped through the cracks.

“What are you looking for?” The boy asks, standing just beside him. 

“Ah!” His close proximity makes Jeongguk jump, “Don’t do that!”

He tilts his head in confusion, “Do what?”

“Just-Nevermind.” Jeongguk thinks better of reprimanding the child in favor of finishing what he was doing. He finds the small, blue photobook tucked between an old script and his comics. He pulls it out and immediately brings it over to his desk as he flips through pages. 

Little Jeongguk follows him, craning his neck and getting as high as his tippy-toes will allow him to go. He grabs onto Jeongguk’s sleeve for support, “What are you looking for?” 

“Nothing! Nothing…” Jeongguk assures him, scanning over photo after photo to find one from before his career ever started. He turns another page and stops, seeing his bright red sweatshirt behind the top right photo sleeve, “Here it is!”

He pulls it out of its sleeve and holds it up in front of his face to get a better look. Dark hair, brown eyes, chubby cheeks, red hoodie, jeans, sneakers…Everything looks exactly the same.

“Don’t you remember what we look like?” His younger self asks him in disbelief. He pulls lightly at the arm he’s holding onto, “I’m right here!”

Jeongguk places a hand over his little one and removes it from his arm, “You aren’t real…”

The dark haired boy looks down at himself before he looks back to his adult self, “Yes I am.”

“No. I am dreaming. You are a figment of my imagination.” The blonde concludes. The notion that this kid was his younger self was like a kdrama nightmare, and this was probably a side effect of the alcohol. 

Yes! 

The alcohol! This whole ordeal is just an alcohol induced nightmare, and he needs to wake himself up right now! He’ll just do what his therapist showed him.

“I’m going to count to 10 and by then you’ll be gone.” He turns back to his desk and covers his eyes, letting himself be surrounded by darkness. He calmly counts aloud to himself, taking deep breaths between each to calm his jittering nerves. He can feel himself relax with every number, and the weight of his problems falling off of his shoulders. “-9…10.” 

His room is quiet. He doesn’t hear a small child giggling or talking to him anymore. Maybe he should listen to his therapist more often. He moves his arm away and turns around to look for himself, and he’s met with the slightly disheveled mess of his bedroom. Only his bed is really messed up, but it was never really together in the first place.

What really matters is there’s no little him in sight, “It was all my imagination...”

“Boo!” From behind the far side of his bed, the little version of himself pops up with his arms thrown into the air and giggles once again tumbling out of him. 

Jeongguk jumps back in his chair, slamming into his desk and knocking over a figurine Hoseok had given him. He slams a hand against the desk and his foot into the ground to stop himself, “Holy shit you’re still here…!”

“Hey, you shouldn’t say that! Mom says that’s a grown up word!” His younger self scolds.

“Yeah? Well, I am a grown up!” He reminds him.

The look of anger turns into one of recognition as the young boy realizes that Jeongguk is an adult, “Oh yeah…”

“Okay. Okay, let’s think about this rationally.” He settles in his chair and rests his arms on his armrest, “There is no possible way that you’re me.”

“But I am.” The little boy reminds him.

“Okay, but you’re not.”

“I am.”

Jeongguk sighs, the urge to fight a child coursing through his body. He takes a deep breath and decides to settle the debacle the only way he knows how, “What’s our favorite color?” 

“Red.”

“Who’s your favorite teacher?”

“Mrs. Na!”

“What’s our favorite animal?”

“Well, bunnies are really cute-“

“Ha!” Jeongguk cheers, jumping from his seat and clapping his hands together in victory.

“-but I like dogs more.”

Jeongguk looks down to his younger self and the genuity in such a young child’s face. He falls back to his chair in defeat, “This cannot be happening…How is this even possible?”

Young Jeongguk tugs at his pant leg, “Can I have something to eat?” He asks, “I’m hungry.”

“Well-“ 

“-Oh!” His little eyes light up with excitement, “Do you have corn dogs?”

Jeongguk shakes his head, “No, I don’t.”

“Oh…” It’s not hard to tell that the child is disappointed, he wears his emotions right on his sleeve. But the disappointment of what they don’t have doesn’t last long, “What do you have?”

It’s a question that Jeongguk himself doesn’t know the answer to. Of course, he has food in his apartment, but for the most part it's just what Jin has sent to his apartment to keep him alive. It’s not like he can’t do it himself, but it’s troublesome to go out and do those things himself. Most of the time, he’ll order food anyway instead of having to cook it himself. He should have something suitable for a kid.

He leaves his room with little Jeongguk toddling after him. The young child walks a bit slower, taking in the area around him in awe of how cool his house will be in the future.

“Our home is so big and cool! It’s awesome!” He beams.

“It’s okay.” Jeongguk shrugs. He reaches his pantry cabinet and pulls it open to look for cup ramen. He spots a few on the middle shelf and grabs one.

The young child continues to explore the apartment, finding the couch with a large pink throw bunched up on the couch, “Do you have a girlfriend?” His child self asks from the other room

Jeongguk scoffs, “Definitely not.”

He opens the top of the ramen and brings it over to the sink, filling it with water. “Then why do you have a pink blanket?” He hears his younger self shout from the living room.

“Because it’s comfy.” He answers over his shoulder. 

He turns off the water and brings the ramen to the microwave for the confused child, “But it’s pink.”

“Boys can like pink.” He argues, setting the timer and pressing start.

“Oh…okay.” Little Jeongguk takes the answer for what it is and moves on to something new. He spots a bookshelf of collectible figures and is immediately drawn to it. Specifically a character with a big head and tiny body with spiky hair. He reaches his hand out to touch the plastic hair, poking it and tipping it over.

“Please don’t touch that.” Jeongguk asks, rushing to his POP! figure’s aid. Little Jeongguk backs away from the shelf and quickly latches onto a gold trophy on another shelf. He reaches out and picks it up right as Jeongguk turns around, “Don’t touch that either.”

“Sorry.” He apologizes, offering the trophy back to his older self. Jeongguk snatches it away and immediately tends to it, giving his younger self the opportunity to latch onto something else. It’s the lamp closest to the balcony, just next to a recliner. It’s large, intricately shaped, gold, and 3 times his size. It looks like it makes noises if you shake it, so he tries.

At the same time, the microwave goes off and pulls Jeongguk’s attention away from fixing his Actor of the Year Award to turn towards the noise. As soon as he turns his head, he catches sight of the little boy shaking his very top heavy lamp and immediately jumps into action. He drops his award haphazardly on the floor and rushes to grab the lamp before it has the chance to topple over.

His strong and forceful grip on the lamp makes his younger self jump in surprise, tilting his head all the way back so he can see the panicked expression leave his elder self’s face as he sighs, “Stop touching everything.”

Little Jeongguk tilts his head, “You’re touching everything.”

“That’s because I’m a big kid-“ Jeongguk explains, pointing to himself. He taps his younger self on the nose, “-and you are not a big kid.”

“You don’t act like a kid.”

“That’s because I’m not a kid anymore?”

The little boy turns himself around and looks right up at his older self, “But why are you called a big kid if you aren’t a kid?” He gives Jeongguk a good minute to answer him, but the older boy has nothing good to answer him. Little Jeongguk just shakes his head and sighs, “This doesn’t make sense…”

Jeongguk himself sighs, unsure of what to really say to help the poor, confused child. The only thing he can think of however, is to change the topic itself, “Why don’t you sit down and eat your ramen?”

This seems to help. “Okay!” He cheers.

“Okay, go to the table then.” Jeongguk instructs, his younger self rushing to do exactly as he was told. He pulls out a chair and sits patiently as he waits for Jeongguk to finish up his food. As soon as he sets the bowl and a pair of chopsticks in front of him, he goes to town.

It’s amusing to watch him eat. He definitely knows how to use his chopsticks, he just struggles to keep much of the noodles on them. He averages at least 2 noodles per bite, and Jeongguk has to stop himself from laughing when the food slips back into the bowl before he can get to eat it. This younger version of himself is pretty cute, Jeongguk will give him that.

He just hopes he won’t be here for too long.

—-

What Jeongguk had hoped would only last a few days turned into 1 week. 7 full days of calling in sick and trying to figure out how to take care of…

Well, himself.

It wouldn’t be so bad if: A. He had a single clue on what he was doing. And B. He didn’t have to lie to Jin. 

The first week that he had appeared wasn’t so bad. He had no promotions or filming to be done, so there were no conflicts of interest trying to wait himself out. But his new show was starting in 2 days and his younger self was still here questioning him to death! And if it wasn’t a question, he was begging to watch cartoons.

If he didn’t figure something out soon, then he’d be entirely screwed.

KNOCK KNOCK

“I got-!” 

“Sh!” Jeongguk silences himself before he gets the chance to run away from the TV and to the door. He gets up from his spot on the couch and turns around and gets level with him, “You don’t answer the door. Especially if we haven’t seen who it is yet.”

“Well, who is it?” He asks, someone knocking on the door again right after.

“I don’t know.” He answers honestly, “You just stay here and watch your show, okay?”

The little boy shrugs, “Okay.”

The knocking continues and Jeongguk quickly makes his way over to the door to see who it is. 6 figures appear on his camera, and Jeongguk curses himself for not pretending to be out of the house. Right at the front was Jin with his phone to his ear. He was no doubt trying to call him, but Jeongguk had already turned his phone on silent after the second day he’d spent with himself. Next to him is Namjoon, and behind them are Hoseok and Yoongi. The three talk amongst themselves, occasionally one of them turning around to scold Taehyung and Jimin for goofing off while they wait.

It’s times like this that Jeongguk wishes he lived in a house with a back door that he could escape through, or that he were a bird and he could fly right off of his balcony to someplace that wasn’t quite as suffocating as his apartment was starting to feel.

“Who is it?!” His younger self calls from the living room, curious as to why the door hadn’t been opened yet. Jeongguk tries to shush him as quietly as possible, but he’s not quiet enough.

He sees the recognition on Jin’s face right before he knocks again, “Jeon Jeongguk, you open this door for your hyung’s and stop giving us the cold shoulder!”

With no other choice, Jeongguk sighs and opens the door. He only opens it enough for his head to poke out and manages a smile, “Hey everyone.”

“You don’t look sick.” Jin immediately points out.

“I made a timely recovery?” He answers nervously.

Namjoon chuckles, “An answer shouldn’t sound like a question.”

“Yeah! We should be the ones asking questions anyway!” Jimin agrees, pushing himself between Yoongi and Hoseok to get a better look at his long-time client, “Why have you been ignoring us?”

He shrugs, “I’ve been sick.”

“And now you’re suddenly better?” Jin asks.

“I guess you guys are miracle workers.”

Yoongi scoffs, “Ass kissing won’t make us leave.”

Taehyung shrugs, “Depends on the amount of ass kissing.”

“Listen, I appreciate the welfare visit, but I’m fine. You guys can go now.” Jeongguk tries to make his escape back into his home quick, but Namjoon is quicker than him.

“We came all this way to see you get better. We even made you soup.” He says, Hoseok lifting up a container behind him collecting steam.

“That’s really nice guys but-“ Jeongguk stops as he takes a closer look at the clear container, recognizing a few ingredients in the bowl, “You brought hangover soup?”

Hoseok shrugs, “It’s good food.”

“What’s a hangover?”

Jeongguk curses himself as everyone���s attention turns to the source of the question, poking his own head out of the door just like his older self. His big, curious eyes stare up at everyone, and they don’t miss the resemblance to their young actor.

Namjoon is the first to give an answer appropriate for a child, “It’s something adults get when they’ve had too much of something.”

“Like ice cream?” He asks.

It’s Jimin who struggles to come up with a suitable answer, “Well, not-“

“Yes! Just like ice cream.” Hoseok interjects. He pushes forward and lowers to little Jeongguk’s level with the hot soup container still in his hands, “What’s your name, baby?”

“I’m Jeon Jeongguk. I’m 6!” He says proudly, even giving a small nod of his head after he introduces himself.

“Oh really?” Hoseok looks up to the blonde actor with a brow raised, but he just gives him a nervous smile as if that itself is answer enough. Hoseok decides to disregard his friend entirely and focus on the child in front of him, “Why don’t we go to the kitchen and I’ll make you a bowl?”

Little Jeongguk’s eyes widen in excitement, “Of ice cream?!”

“Of soup.” He corrects, holding up the container for emphasis. The little boy frowns, and the fellow actor can’t resist the temptation to spoil him, “We can talk about ice cream after you eat.”

“Yes!” Jeongguk cheers. His little hands grab the door in his excitement and he almost knocks his older self in the face as he pulls it open. He waves Hoseok inside, “You can follow me, Uncle!”

Hoseok can hear a few of the others try not to laugh at the insinuation that he’s old, but he brushes it off in favor of catering to little Jeongguk, “Okay! I’m coming.” He smiles and stands up, deciding to push past the older Jeongguk into the apartment and let Jin handle the situation. 

As the saying goes: “Not his circus. Not his monkeys.”

The others watch Hoseok disappear with the small child with major similarities to the young actor in front of them. They’re all thinking the same thing, but none of them want to say anything. They’ve known he’s been in a rough patch, but they didn’t think this would be why.

“Well, isn’t he a wonderful little surprise…” Jin muses, a fake smile plastered on his face. He crosses his arms over his chest and raises a brow in Jeongguk’s direction, “Is there something you’d like to tell us, Jeongguk?”

Without missing a beat, he throws his arms up in defense, “I know what you’re thinking, and he’s not mine.”

Yoongi lets out a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank goodness! I was hoping you didn’t name your kid after you.”

Jeongguk glares at his hyung, unamused, “He’s my nephew. My brother asked me to watch him.”

“And they named him after you?” Taehyung asks in confusion, Jimin hitting his shoulder as a way to quietly scold him.

“What’s wrong with that?” The blonde questions.

The photographer pushes forward, “Jeongguk, you know I love you, but you’re the conductor of the no fun train.” 

He walks right past the blonde,ignoring his insistence that follows him, “I’m fun!”

Namjoon chuckles and follows suit with Taehyung, patting Jeongguk’s shoulder as he passes, “Of course! You’re just as fun as long division, buddy.”

“He’s got you there.” Yoongi agrees, following Namjoon with Jimin right behind him.

Jeongguk watches dejectedly as everyone enters his home exactly like he didn’t want, “Come on in…I guess…” He sighs. His personal prison was becoming even more cramped than before. The only one of his friends that didn’t enter his home is the one person he’s been actively avoiding the most.

Jin’s arms are still crossed, but he doesn’t look quite as disappointed as before. He just looks frustrated, “You could have just told me.”

Jeongguk shrugs, “Sorry…”

“C’mon.” Jin puts one arm down and throws the other over the blonde’s shoulder and leads him inside the apartment where everyone is making themselves at home.

“Jeongguk!” Jimin’s voice rings from the kitchen. Jeongguk meets him right at the doorway where the personal trainer is a mix between flabbergasted and upset, “Why are there so many ramen cups in your trash?”

“Because we ate them?” He answers

Jimin’s eyes widen, “All of them?!”

“Yeah?”

Jin sighs and takes a seat on the couch next to Yoongi, “I’m making a new grocery order for you.”

The model leans over to look at the grocery options with Jin, “Take all the ramen cups off.”

“Not all of them!” Jeongguk protests.

Jin looks up, eyes peering just over the top of his phone, “You get 6 max and that’s your only offer.

“Let me help you!” Jimin offers. He rushes to Jin’s other side where he plops on the couch and throws an arm over the back of it, “They’re both going to need specific meals to get back the nutrients they need.”

Hoseok comes out from the kitchen with a bowl of soup and hands it to Jeongguk, “Hey, where are his pants?” 

“In the washer.”

“And his other pairs?” Hoseok asks, his first question not being obvious enough.

Jeongguk just takes a big gulp of his soup and it has Namjoon joining the conversation, “Do you not have an overnight bag for him?”

Jeongguk wipes his mouth and shrugs, “It was pretty last minute. I thought he’d be fine.”

Yoongi sighs, “Add kids clothes.” 

“Size?” Jin asks, not bothering to look up from his phone.

“Let me check.” Hoseok goes back to the kitchen where little Jeongguk sits eating his soup to stop the laundry. He pulls out a shirt and a pair of pants and checks their tags, “Looks like a 7-8 for both.”

Jin nods, “I’ll order a few of everything.”

Jeongguk looks between everyone working together in amazement, “How do you guys even know how to do this stuff?”

“We took care of you, didn’t we?” Taehyung teases.

“Yeah, but I was a teen for most of that.”

“Yeah, teens aren’t much different than children.” Yoongi reminds him. 

“Granted, you were also in the industry longer so you had more of a sense of responsibility, but you were pretty much the same when we first met.” Namjoon agrees.

“Yeah. Then, somewhere along the line, you stopped acting like yourself.”

“You started brushing us off.” Taehyung complains.

“-And telling us off!” Jimin adds.

“I wasn’t that bad.” Jeongguk suddenly feels the weight of his apartment become heavier. Uncomfortable. Like pictures he’d tried to hide were suddenly on display for everyone to see, but everyone in the audience is him.

“You’ve been taking care of your nephew for a week without any supplies for him, only feeding him ramen, and instead of asking us for help you’ve been blowing us off.” Yoongi reminds him.

“We’ve been busy…” The blonde mumbles.

“Well, we’re going to be busy showing you exactly what you need to do to keep this poor kid alive.” Hoseok places a hand on each shoulder and gives a reassuring squeeze, “Let’s eat and then we’ll start with this innovative invention called a bath.”

*

*

*

True to their word, everyone did help him with himself for the rest of the day and the day after that. They showed him good - and easy - recipes to make for him besides ramen, what medicines were okay for him, and what shampoo and soap would be best. They crammed a novel’s worth of information into his head in 2 days, but it definitely helped. They even came up with a good way to differentiate the two Jeongguks.

He was dubbed as Jeongguk, just plain old him and nothing special - It’s not like he actually minds if they think that or not. His younger self was then dubbed JK, as a fun little nickname.

Unfortunately, all that work didn’t help to make his younger self go away. Now he was left to help get him ready for his first day on set. 

He can’t deny that the outfits Jin, Jimin, and Yoongi picked out are absolutely adorable. Though they may have gone a bit overboard on what they actually needed for him. The grey Tommy Hillfiger sweater is definitely cute on him, but the chances it will survive the day completely unharmed is unlikely.

The two of them are in the back of the car with Jin, JK tucked in the middle seat between the two adults. Jeongguk got up early this morning - after 2 missed calls from Jin - and got ready for work before he got JK up to get ready for the day. He even made eggs for the two of them. Nothing major, but enough until they get to set. He didn’t want JK to be too hungry that he ends up disturbing everyone on set.

“Now, remember, JK. You need to stay with Jin, okay? You can’t go running around set.” 

“I know.” The little boy assures him, playing with the toy that Hoseok bought him.

“-And if you need something before the director yells cut, then you need to be very quiet when you ask for help.”

“Okay.”

“And if-“

“Jeongguk-!” Jin interrupts, “I will keep an eye on him while we’re there, okay? JK is going to be just fine. We don’t want to overwhelm him.”

Jeongguk sighs, “I just don’t want to inconvenience anyone.” He admits.

Their car comes to a stop at the security check and Jin looks to JK and then back to his uncle with a stern gaze, “Well, it’s a good thing JK isn’t an inconvenience.” 

“What?” The actor is confused until he realizes the wording he used, “No! That’s not-!”

“You just worry about doing your job and I will worry about doing mine.” Jin tells him, adjusting his position in his seat as the car moves forward again.

Jeongguk can only sigh and nod, “Yeah...”

Their car comes to a stop just outside the lot and lets them out. Both Jin and Jeongguk help JK collect his belongings to keep him entertained before their driver leaves until later. The three make their way to the first stop of the day: hair and makeup.

As soon as Jin opens the door, they’re quickly greeted, “Good morning!” 

“Good morning,” Jeongguk calls back, stopping at the top of the stairs to make sure JK gets up okay. He offers himself a hand, and the stylists don’t miss the little hand that grabs his.

“Who is this?” His makeup artist asks, her eyes light with joy and curiosity.

“My nephew JK,” He explains. He playfully shakes their connected hands, “Say hello, JK.”

Though he’s normally very friendly and bubbly, this morning JK is a bit shy. He backs himself into Jeongguk’s legs and squeezes his hand, “Hello…”

“Oh, he’s so cute!” The woman squeals. She comes closer and gets on JK’s level, “What lovely little cheeks~”

“Such fluffy hair.” The hair stylist comments from her chair.

JK looks up to Jeongguk for help, and his older self mouths a thanks to him. He nods and turns to give his own thanks, “Thank you…” 

The woman squeals in delight and Jeongguk clears his throat, “Where should I sit?”

“Right here!” She stands up and offers him her chair in front of the second mirror, “Go ahead. Have a seat.” Jeongguk nods in thanks and she turns to Jin and JK, “The two of you can have a seat right over here.” She points to a section just behind them where there’s a bench to sit on with a coat resting between two cushions.

“Thank you.” Jin nods. He ushers JK to the bench and lets him climb onto the seat first, sitting down next to him.

Jeongguk’s makeup artist gets started prepping his face, pulling out the products she’ll need to clean it. As she does so, she glances at JK sitting quietly next to Jin, “So, JK, how old are you?”

“I’m 6!” He says, holding up 7 fingers by accident and having to put 1 down.

“Oh, wow!” She comments, “You’re a big boy, aren’t you?”

“Mhm!” He nods.

She grabs a towel to wipe off any excess from Jeongguk’s face and looks back to the young boy, “Do you go to school?”

“Yes.”

“What do you do in school?” She asks, glancing to reach for her next product.

JK shrugs, “School stuff.”

“Just school stuff?” Jeongguk’s hair stylist asks, working on someone of her own.

“We have recess!” JK adds excitedly, sending both women into 

“Oh really?” Jeongguk’s makeup artist asks, “What’s your favorite thing to do at school?”

“Lunch!”

“Lunch was my favorite too!” The hairstylist laughs, patting her plump stomach to prove her point.

Her current client in her chair laughs as well and turns his head just enough to see the young boy, “Are you having fun staying with your uncle?”

“Yeah!” JK nods excitedly, “We have lots of ramen and we watch cartoons together!”

“Just ramen?” The man asks.

“We had hangover soup the other day! Uncle Hoseok brought it.” 

Jeongguk’s face drops, and he quickly turns to scold himself out of embarrassment, “JK-!”

“What? We did!” He argues with an innocent pout. He turns back to the older manin the chair, “It was really good too.”

“It’s okay, Jeongguk~” His makeup artist coos, patting the tense actor on the back, “We all overindulge sometimes.” 

“Some more than others.” His hairstylist remarks.

“Hey! Don’t make me curse in front of the baby!” The other woman warns, making the other laugh.

The conversation continues like this as the two women do their work. They keep the conversation going with JK, and occasionally Jin will also add on. Jeongguk will only interject when he needs to keep the story straight. Thankfully, their time in hair and makeup doesn’t last much longer, and soon enough Jeongguk’s getting dressed and ushered to set.

To say his worry over JK causing a ruckus was the least of his problems was an understatement. Everyone on set loved him too. Anytime the director would call cut or take 5, JK would be surrounded by 3 people or more. All of them wanting to ask him questions and make sure he’s comfortable and happy. It’s not like he can just ask everyone to leave him alone, he’s not doing anything. He’s extremely well behaved for someone who’s never been on set before. Specifically a child.

By the time filming is over, JK has collected his own little army of fans. Within 10 hours, he’s broken out of his little shell and blossomed like a flower. He’s enraptured a group of adults so easily without even trying, it seems almost impossible. Even the director has taken a quick liking to his younger self.

“Jeongguk! Your nephew is absolutely adorable!” The man gushes, beaming with excitement as he plays with the boy’s hair, “He looks just like you when you were younger.”

“Really?” Jeongguk asks, feigning shock. Of course he knew that they looked identical, and he’d already heard it multiple times. But he needs to play it cool and push off any indication that this boy may be his in any way, shape, or form. He shrugs, “Everyone says that, but I don’t see it.”

“Well, it’s true. He’s just as charismatic as you were back in the day.” He assures him. Jeongguk really doesn’t see it, however. He could never have been so hyper and onewry. If anything, he was a very calm and very professional child when he was younger.

“You know, I’d love to put him in another show I’m working on.” The director mentions, grabbing the young boy's attention.

“A show? Me?!” He looks up at the director with hearts in his eyes, but all Jeongguk can see are red flags clouding his vision.

“Yes, you!” The man assures him. He bends down to be eye level with JK, “What do you think, buddy? Do you want to be a movie star?”

“Yea-!” “No.” 

Both the director and JK turn to the actor. One is very obviously disappointed in his answer, while the other seems taken aback that he wouldn’t want him to be a movie star like-Well, him.

“Why not?” JK asks, confused as to why he himself would say no to such a great thing.

The director awkwardly chuckles, “Jeongguk, I know I need to talk to his parents, but-“ He goes to place a hand on the actor’s shoulder, but Jeongguk stops him before he can touch him.

“I said no.” He repeats, “His parents entrusted him with me to take care of him, not to flaunt him around and sell him into the business.”

“It wouldn’t really be selling-“ The director tries to rationalize the decision again, but Jeongguk isn’t having any of it.

“I don’t care what it would be considered!” He yells, catching the attention of those around him. He can feel their stares, but he’s too angry to care at the Moment, “My brother hated my career and he wouldn’t want this for JK. I’m saying no out of respect for my brother and his wife, and that’s the end of it.”

“But I want to do it! I want to be just like you!” JK pipes up, hopeful that he can change his mind.

Jeongguk knows JK is smart. He knows he knows more than most kids as well, but even if he had all the knowledge in the world, he still wouldn’t change his mind, “I’m sorry, JK, but no.” 

Jeongguk says it like it’s final, and that just confuses JK even more. How come he gets to be an actor, but JK can’t decide he wants to be an actor too? It’s not fair, “Why can’t I decide?”

“Because you’re a kid and kid’s can’t make grown up decisions,” He explains, trying to keep the answer as simple as possible. Even though it’s different, even though he’d be around, even though he’d protect him from all the bad that he faced as a young actor. Jeongguk still wouldn’t let himself make the same mistake, “That’s the end of this.”

Jeongguk goes to leave the set entirely, having run out of the will to stay any longer, but JK isn’t having it. He jumps down from his chair and rushes to grab Jeongguk by the pant leg, “No! I want to do it!”

“JK-“ The actor is stunned, never seeing himself act this way before. JK had been very polite, reserved, and patient up until this point. Could one decision really make him this upset?

“Let me do it!” JK demands, pulling at Jeongguk’s pants. Jeongguk tries to gently nudge him back, but the little boy just won’t give up. He hits at Jeongguk’s hands and even kicks his leg for good measure. That really leaves the actor flabbergasted.

What makes it worse is now everyone is absolutely watching what’s happening. They’re watching him get beat on by a little kid and they’re watching how bad he is at handling the situation. Their eyes are just digging into him.

He doesn’t like that.

“JK! Stop it! We don’t act this way!” Jeongguk scolds, attempting to remain as gentle as possible. He tries to hold him back, but the little boy is relentless. He’s fighting with a passion, and it only makes Jeongguk’s anxiety skyrocket, “JK!”

Before Jeongguk can become anymore frustrated with his younger self, Jin swoops in to the rescue. He picks up JK around his middle, and the boy quickly begins to thrash in Jin’s arms. But unlike Jeongguk, the manager remains calm and composed despite the child kicking and screaming in his arms.

He turns to Jeongguk, “Grab his things and let’s be on our way.” He’s calm, calmer than you’d think someone would be when dealing with an angered child. He’s just so relaxed and at ease even though JK is physically pushing and pulling at him.

“Yeah. Of course.” Jin takes off for the exit and Jeongguk is quick to pack all of JK’s things away. He only had a few stray things, his jacket included. He tries to focus on getting it all tucked away in his bag, rather than focusing on the eyes boring into the back of his head.

He can feel the judgemental stares from others, berating him for not being able to take care of his own nephew. Of course, JK isn’t his real nephew, but he is to everyone else. Because of that, everyone thinks he’s now incapable of taking care of a child. They’re judging him. They’re watching his every move just like everyone else always does.

The feeling makes his skin crawl. He feels cold and itchy at the same time, and his heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest. The feeling is so overwhelming, that as soon as JK’s things are in his bag, Jeongguk races after Jin to catch up and escape the unrelenting gazes that bore into him all the way to the door. As soon as he gets through the door and is outside, it’s like a weight lifts itself off of his shoulders. His skin doesn’t feel on fire and he can breathe again.

He doesn’t see Jin or JK, but he still needs to get out of his set clothes. Not wanting to spend much more time at the studio, he rushes to his trailer and just discards his clothes on the couch in front of the door. Once he’s dressed in his original clothes again, he goes to find the car in the lot.

It doesn’t take him long to see Jin walking around the car with JK wrapped around him, softly bouncing him as he walks. He looks like he’s talking, but he’s too far away to hear anything that he might be saying to his younger self. From the looks of it, JK is definitely calm. His head lays on Jin’s broad shoulders, and his body is relaxed. He’s not sure what Jin could have done to ease the beast, but he’s glad he was able to calm him.

Getting closer to the two, Jeongguk can see that JK has actually fallen asleep in the short time it took for them to leave. He must have upset himself so much that he ended up falling asleep on Jin’s shoulder.

“How’d you get him to calm down?” Jeongguk asks when he makes it to the two of them.

“I talked to him.” Jin says, continuing to pat the young boy on his back.

Well, Jeongguk tried talking to him too. He didn’t even try to fight him. But Jin can just pick him up and walk off with him and he’ll be fine? Why didn’t that work for him? “He didn’t really want to talk to me…”

“Yeah, well, he’s a kid. Kid’s don’t want to talk to the person they’re angry with.” Jin calmly explains. He looks over Jeongguk’s things and double checks for JK’s things as well, “Do you have everything?”

“Yeah.” Jin nods in approval and turns to finally open the car door. He cradles JK’s head and goes to put him in the car himself when Jeongguk pipes up again, “Do you need help?”

“No, I have him.” Jin assures, stretching his leg across the backseat to set the boy down and ensure he stays asleep. Even when Jeongguk gets in, Jin already has the boy’s seatbelt on, has leaned his head against his body, and is already scrolling through his phone to check his emails and field calls until later when he has a second.

Jin’s always been better at everything. Better at his emotions, better at taking care of others, better at making others feel warm and welcome. He just knows what to do around others and what to say. He’s the perfect role model and Jeongguk is…

Jeongguk is just nothing compared to him. 

Some days, it just feels like he’s holding Jin back more than anything. He’s his only client, and he’s the only one that refuses to do promotions and talk shows because one wrong move and he runs off-stage. He owes so much to Jin, and he can’t even control his younger self long enough to get home. What kind of man is he?

He can feel a headache coming on. It’s been lingering ever since JK showed up that first night. The stress and anxiety are starting to get to him, but he hasn’t went to ye old faithful yet because he doesn’t want to get drunk in front of him. But not having a drink in so long is making him irritable and unmotivated.

He owes it to Jin to be at his best.

“Hey, Jin?” Jeongguk turns to his manager, and he pauses his typing just long enough to acknowledge him, “Could you watch JK for the night?”

Jin stops looking at his phone altogether, eyeing his client - his friend -up and down as if he’s trying to read more into him. He glances down at the sleeping boy between them, “He’s not not upset with you.”

“I just-...” He tries to think of a good excuse, but there’s no good way to say ‘I just want to have a night to myself to get drunk’ you know? He can only hope Jin can’t read it on his face, “I really just need a night to think about things.”

Jin doesn’t answer right away. He looks at his phone, looks at JK, looks at him, and it’s a good minute before he finally sighs, “Okay, but only one night.” 

“Of course! I just need one night.” Jeongguk assures him.

Just one night to clear his head and get himself on the right track.

*

*

*

Step

Step, Step

Step, Ste-Stumble!

….

Step

One after another, Jeongguk takes careful steps towards the elevator of his building. He hadn’t meant to drink so much the night before, he hadn’t meant to drink for so long that his night turned to day. His alarm barely sobered him up enough to text Jin he was awake and on his way down.

He reaches the elevator and reaches out to press the down button, missing the outlet entirely. He tries 3 more times before he finally places his hand on the wall and feels for the button until he can press it. Luckily for him the doors open as soon as he does.

He takes a careful step into the lift, reaching out in front of him for the railing. He uses it to keep himself balanced while he searches for the floor he needs. He presses one, only to find out he pressed the “close doors” button. He presses another button, but he presses the “door open” button. It takes several more attempts before he finally starts moving down.

3 floors down the elevator stops, doors opening and an older woman stepping on. She eyes him up and down, but Jeongguk just smiles, “What floor?”

“5 please.” She answers with a fake smile of her own.

Jeongguk nods, “Coming right up!” He looks at the keys and tilts his head in confusion. He bends down to get eye level with it, his finger hovering the buttons until he believes he’s found the right one.

“That’s floor 7, dear.”

“Huh?” Jeongguk takes a closer look and sees his mistake. He presses another one, “There we go.”

“That’s floor 4.” She corrects. 

Jeongguk sees and tries again, pressing every button in front of him. He stops once every button is lit up, “That should do it.” 

The poor woman sighs, “Thank you…”

He and the woman stand in silence, stopping on every floor. It must be a relief when she can finally get off on the floor she mentioned, leaving Jeongguk to think about what he’s doing. If he acts like this in front of Jin, then he’ll actually slaughter him. He needs to wake up and sober up.

He decides to stretch himself out. He pulls his arms across his chest one at a time, turning his body to each side with them. He raises both arms up high above him, stretching back before bending down to touch the elevator floor. It helps that his drunken state has forced him to stop on every floor, even if it’s one of the worst things he could have done in his own apartment building.

Just when he thinks stopping on almost every floor couldn’t get worse, the elevator door finally opens up to the lobby.

“What’s he doing?” His younger self asks.

The blonde is mid-stretch when he looks up and makes eye contact with himself from the center of the elevator. He’s stretching to the left with his whole body tilted to the side, and he watches as the younger version of himself tilts his head just like him. His little hand comes up to wave, and he waves back.

His manager is not amused.

“Are you ready to go?” Jin asks.

“Yeah.” The actor stands from his stretch like it’s no big deal, but the doors starting to close have him tripping himself to get out before they close all the way. He almost knocks his shoe off, but he stops himself before his foot can slip out. 

“Good thing I’m a better driver than I am a walker.” He tries to play it off with a laugh, but no laugh can hide his behavior. 

Jin’s unbothered expression digs into Jeongguk like a knife. It’s like every second that his manager spends looking at him is another second that he starts to sober up.

Jin bends down, “JK, come here.” The little boy does so, “Your uncle and I need to use the restroom. Can you be a good boy and go wait on the couch in front of the front desk?” 

He points to the couch where he wants JK to sit and the young boy nods, “Mhm!”

“Thank you so much!” Jin thanks him, taking one of his little hands and squeezing it tightly in his own with a bright smile. He stands so he’s just bent over and places a hand on JK’s back to usher him in the right direction, “Go on. We’ll be right back.” He makes sure he gets there and turns to Jeongguk, only a screen of what used to be a genuine smile, “Follow me. Now.”

Jeongguk follows behind his manager, unaware of his manager’s sudden mood change. He was just confused as to why both he and Jin had to go to the bathroom together. Did he have a change in schedule? Was he doing a lewd scene and didn’t want to mention it in front of JK? The possibility of what could be so important is endless. That’s why Jin shrugging off his jacket and pulling up his sleeves just to wash his hands is so confusing to him.

His manager just sits there, letting the water run. 

No talking. 

No humming. 

Just absolute silence while he stands there next to him.

“I thought you had to use the bathroom?” Jeongguk asks after a minute of this goes by.

“Not me. You.” Without any warning, Jin grabs Jeongguk by the front of his shirt and throws a handful of water into his face. It has the actor jumping back in surprise, taken aback by such random actions. The second handful does nothing to help the situation either.

“Jin! What the hell?!” Jeongguk curses, squirming his way out of Jin’s hold. He wipes the water out of his eyes, “Are you crazy?”

“Am I crazy…?” Jin repeats, “Are you kidding me?!” He turns behind him and locks the bathroom door before charging forward, grabbing Jeongguk by the front of his shirt and pushing him up against the wall. Jeongguk’s back hits first before his head, the younger man letting out a whine of pain. But his manager doesn’t care. He continues to get in the actor’s face, “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Hyung-!” Jeongguk tries to push against him, but Jin’s grip is stronger and more forceful than his.

“I thought when you asked me to watch your nephew last night, that you were using that time to think? Not so you could push off your responsibilities and get so drunk that you’re still inebriated in the morning!” He yells.

“So, I’m still a little out of it, it’s not that bad.” Jeongguk says.

“No, Jeongguk. It is bad.” Jin reiterates, “Your brother trusted his son’s life in your hands, and it is unacceptable for you to endanger it.”

“I’m not endangering him! I just got a little drunk last night-“

“Last night! The point being: You shouldn’t be drunk anymore!” Jin reminds him, “Let alone driving for that matter either! What were you thinking?!”

Jeongguk doesn’t have much to say. Even if he did, he’s not sure Jin would really like what he had to say anyway, “I just got carried away…”

“This is more than carried away, Jeongguk! Carried away is dancing on top of a bar! Carried away is hugging all of your friends 8 times! Carried away is cry-singing Celine Dion at karaoke! This is a dumpster fire!” Jin spews off, absolutely enraged with the actor’s behavior. 

“It’s not like I do this all the time!”

“You don’t do this all the time?” Jin scoffs, “Do you know how many drunk calls I get from you? Do you know how many times I’ve had to bail your ass out of trouble because you refused help? Because anytime that someone does help you, you throw it right out the window?! Do you?!” Jeongguk doesn’t know what to say. It’s his first time ever hearing about this problem. 

“I told myself that I would let you work it out your own way, because I respect you as my client and as my friend. I know how prideful you are and how insistent you are to do everything on your own. But obviously, that was a mistake.” Jin releases his grip on Jeongguk’s shirt and steps back, turning around to collect himself. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his phone, “You can’t go to work like this, let alone take care of a child.”

This seems to wake up the actor just a little more, “I have to go to work. They can’t do my scenes without me.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re not going right now.” Jin says, typing away on his phone without a care in the world for what Jeongguk has to say. 

“Can’t we talk about this a little more?” Jeongguk asks.

Jin audibly sighs, trying to restrain himself. At a Moment like this, though, it’s a little hard to do. But he does, and he turns on his heel to get in front of Jeongguk once again. The actor sinks into the wall, fearing that his manager will grab him again, but he doesn’t. Honestly, Jin is a lot scarier when he doesn’t have his hands on him.

“I am going to take your nephew to get a nice big breakfast and you are going to go back to your apartment and take as many showers as it takes to get rid of the alcohol smell off of you. You’re going to brush your teeth until the taste of mint makes you want to vomit, and then you’re going to drink 2 cups of coffee with toast and only toast. I don’t want to hear a word from you until you’ve done it all.” Jin orders.

“Jin-!”

“Not a word!” Jin repeats, his voice echoing in the small confines of the men’s bathroom. There are tears in the manager’s eyes, and Jeongguk can feel a few tears of his own threatening to fall. Jin just shakes his head as he tries to remain the voice of reason, “You don’t even know how it feels to watch you from the outside. To watch you destroy yourself time and time again just to be brushed off...and I have to lie to everyone that loves you and tell them that you’re okay.”

Jin takes a step away once again, only this time he rolls down his sleeves and grabs his untouched suit jacket, pulling it back on, “Now, we’re going to walk out and we’re both going to look as if nothing’s wrong, because JK doesn’t need to know. You’re going to tell him that you’ll see him later and we’ll be back to pick you up at 1:30 on the dot. Do you understand?”

Jeongguk understands. Maybe not completely, but he’s piecing things together as he’s starting to sober up, “I didn’t mean for it to get this far…”

“Do you understand?” Jin repeats.

“Yes.”

Jin nods, accepting the answer even if it wasn’t what Jeongguk wanted to hear. He unlocks the door to leave and mutters one last thing that Jeongguk can hear, “Of all the people to choose as a namesake and your brother chooses a disappointment.”

It stops Jeongguk in his tracks, stunning the man as he comes to realize just how badly he fucked up. Jin had never said anything that wasn’t truthful to him, he’s always talked to him with his best interest in mind. But this feels like a slap to the face.

And he basically signed off on it himself.

Jeongguk quickly follows behind Jin, trying his best to put on a brave face after being put through the ringer. The manager has already put on his own happy face and is making a B-line to JK who’s waiting patiently on the couch, swinging his little legs back and forth. 

“Hey, JK! Come here~” Jin calls out, waving to the boy. JK is quick to jump off the couch and meet Jin in the middle, an unknowing smile on his face. Jin bends down to his level, “Your uncle doesn’t feel very good, so he’s going to go and try to rest until a bit later on. So, you and I are going to go get breakfast!”

“Really?! Can we get pancakes?” He asks, none the wiser to anything bad that happened in the men’s bathroom.

“We sure can.” Jin assures him. He grabs the boy’s hand and stands to his near full height, “Say goodbye to Jeongguk.”

JK happily waves, “Bye! Feel better!”

Jeongguk waves back, a fake smile plastered on his face as he bids goodbye. It’s only when the two disappear through the glass doors with their backs turned that Jeongguk turns his back as well, dropping his smile.

He returns to his apartment to do as Jin told him to. To take his showers, to brush his teeth, to drink away the alcohol, to do nothing else but think about just how fucked he actually is. Jin had never told him before that he’d called him drunk before. He’d never told him about the warning signs. But he can see it when he thinks more.

He thinks of the other night when Jin showed up with all of their friends. The soup Hoseok had brought with him. How they came as a collective and refused to leave. They knew he was spiraling, and him going MIA made them think the worst. He made them hope it wasn’t the worst.

Or that time he was hungover from the night before, but at least sober. Jin showed up with breakfast, and he was asking weird questions. He asked if he’d wanted to see his therapist instead of sticking to their schedule, or if he’d rather go play video games or something. He’d only be missing a costume fitting, but Jin assured him that it could be rescheduled if he’d wanted.

He said no.

He asked Jin to watch JK so he could pull himself together, and he made an even bigger mess. He’d just wanted to clear his head, and instead he left himself without the ability to think at all. He was supposed to be driving a car that morning, and he was going to show up drunk and put himself, his acting partner, and the whole crew in danger.

How could he have let himself go so far?

He makes the decision then to throw out every last drop of alcohol in his home. Expensive, cheap, cooking, rubbing; it doesn’t matter. He’d throw it all out and never look back. He’d turn himself around. He has to turn himself around.

For them.

He won’t continue to disappoint the only people he has left.

——

True to his word, he’s ready to go by the time Jin and JK get back. He’s outside waiting for them, and he doesn’t waste any time getting in the car. When they get to set, Jeongguk gets into his costume and leaves for hair and makeup. He makes very little conversation, but he tries. He apologizes to the director as soon as he gets on set, and he gets to work. The whole day, he does the best he’s ever done, and it still leaves him unsure as to whether or not he did everything right.

Even so, it doesn’t make the ride home any less awkward. JK once again fell asleep on the way home, having passed out in his chair before they’d even finished filming for the day. Only sounds of soft snores fill the car, and a dull tone from the radio up front for the driver.

But no matter how awkward he feels, he still owes it to Jin to put in the effort that he’s putting towards him.

“I threw out all of my alcohol.” Jeongguk blurts out, having sat in silence debating what to do long enough, “Even the cooking wine.”

The last part makes Jin let out a soft laugh, “It’s not like you actually used the cooking wine anyway.”

“No, I really didn’t…” Jeongguk agrees, laughing about it as well. But laughter wouldn’t hide the seriousness of the conversation, “I’m sorry.”

“I know, Jeongguk.” Jin sighs. He’s known from the moment he threw water on his face that the actor didn’t mean for his actions to hurt himself or others, “I saw it in your face.”

“I’m just-…tired of this.” He admits, something he can only assume he’d done when he was too far gone to remember. 

“Then quit.” His manager tells him.

“What?”Jeongguk asks, totally shocked. 

“Quit if you really can’t do this anymore,” Jin says again, “You don’t need to suffer to do your job, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk just shakes his head in response, “But everyone will hate me.”

“That shouldn’t matter. Who cares about what other people think of you?” Jin asks.

“I do!” Jeongguk yells just a bit too loud. He and Jin both look to JK between them, making sure Jeongguk’s outburst didn’t wake him. He lowers his voice, “I care about what other people think about me. I always have. I can’t just walk away when everyone will hate me for it.”

“Then let us help you.” Jin pleads. He reaches out with a gentle hand and places it on Jeongguk’s shoulder,  “You have friends that are here for you - you have family - but you’ll never get the help you need if you never ask or accept it.”

Jeongguk nods. He understands what he’s saying, but for some reason he still feels so alone, “I just feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know which way is up…”

“You’re going through a rough time, I know. You have for a bit now, and we should have had this conversation a lot sooner. That’s on me.” Jin says, taking full responsibility for something Jeongguk doesn’t think they both take the blame for. “It’s not easy to feel like you’re alone, but you can’t let it affect everyone else. Especially, JK.”

“I know. And I’m going to do better.” Jeongguk assures him. He looks at JK and fixes a stray strand of hair that’s falling in front of his eyes, “For both of you.”

“I hope you do.” Jin nods. The car comes to a stop outside of Jeongguk’s apartment complex and Jin clears his throat, “Alright. Get in there, get him to bed, and get some rest yourself. I’ll get some days off for you next week.”

“Thank you, Jin. For everything that you do and have done for me.” Jeongguk thanks him, truly appreciating the hard work that he does everyday for him.

“Hey, that’s my job as both your manager and your friend.” He assures him. Jeongguk reaches to get JK out of his seat, and Jin stops him for just a second, “Just please know that you can lean on me.”

“I know…” Jeongguk nods.

“Good.” Jeongguk proceeds to remove JK from his car seat, waking the boy just a bit, but quickly cooing him back to sleep. He gets him settled on his hip and waves to Jin one more time before shutting the door. He turns on his way to get some rest, but Jin calls out to him from the window, “Oh and Jeongguk-!”

“Yeah?” He asks, turning over the shoulder without the child.

“I don’t think you’re a disappointment.” Jin confesses, referring to their conversation from earlier, “I said a lot of truths earlier today, but you being a disappointment was not one of them.”

Jeongguk had already come to terms with the way he’s been acting. He knows that he’s been less than his best, and today was not a good day for anyone. Even if Jin didn’t mean what he said, even Jeongguk knows that there’s still some truth to it. But that’s something he needs to come to terms with and push away.

He smiles and nods, “I’ll see you tomorrow, hyung.”

Jeongguk never thought getting a bit of truth off of his chest could feel so good. Who knew talking about something could feel like relief? It feels refreshing. He knows he has a long road to go, but maybe this will be a new beginning for him.

*

*

*

True to his word, Jin managed to get Jeongguk some extra time off next week. It took a lot of rearranging, but he was somehow able to convince the director and his producers that it was for the better. He’s not sure how he did it, but Jin has always had his ways of making the impossible possible. It definitely made getting through a few more days of filming worth it when his break finally came around.

And he made plans for the days he was granted.

“Doesn’t anyone else think this is just a little shady?” Taehyung asks.

He walks down the sidewalk between Hoseok and Namjoon with his hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket. Yoongi and Jimin follow behind them.

“What’s shady?” Jimin asks.

“Jeongguk inviting us to go out!” The photographer says in disbelief, “Not Seokjin on his behalf, not Seokjin forcing us, but Jeongguk picking up his phone and putting in the work to talk to us.”

Hoseok shrugs, “Jin said he and Jeongguk had some kind of come to Jesus Moment.”

“He found religion?” Jimin asks.

Namjoon turns over his shoulder to look at Jimin, “That’s not always what that means.”

“I’m pretty sure in Seokjin terms, that means he beat the shit out of Jeongguk until he figured it out himself.” Yoongi explains.

“Now, that’s something I’ll put money on!” Taehyung laughs, glad someone agrees with him. 

“We’re not putting money on anything!” Hoseok scolds, “We are here to support our friend and whatever it is that he’s wanting to do today.”

“So, we’re emotional support while he gets a haircut?” Jimin asks.

Namjoon comes to a sudden stop and it makes Jimin walk right into him, “I don’t think it’s Jeongguk getting the haircut today…” 

Before them is a hair salon, but it’s very geared towards kids. The outside is decorated in bright colors, with lights on the windows, and handmade drawings hung on display. Through the glass, it’s not hard to miss the cute little playset in the waiting area or the themed chairs for children to sit in.

“I could see him hopping in one of the little planes.” Taehyung jokes, amused just imagining the usually serious actor sitting himself in a plane chair.

Yoongi scoffs, “If he’s drunk, maybe.”

“Maybe he is…” Jimin adds.

“Shit.” Hoseok curses.

He’s the first to enter the salon, the other’s trailing close behind. As soon as the door opens, they listen for the sounds of a sobbing drunk being ridiculed, but the only sounds they hear come from childish giggles, child songs playing over speakers, and the occasional murmur of a hairdryer or clippers.

“Oh, hey, you all showed up.” Sitting just a few seats down to their left is Jin, phone in hand - as per usual - and a coffee resting on the side table next to him. He doesn’t seem very bothered, and Jeongguk is nowhere in sight.

“Yeah, we got Jeongguk’s text.” Yoongi mentions, looking around for the missing actor.

Jin nods and turns back to his phone, “They should be finishing up.”

“They?” Hoseok questions.

“Do you like your hair JK?”

“I love it!”

The group turn to the salon, hearing the familiar voices of their friend and his nephew. The little boy has a brand new haircut, his hair styled back and no longer falling into his eyes. Jeongguk holds his hand as they walk towards them, wearing jeans, a white shirt, and a light green jacket. But most importantly, he’s smiling.

Yoongi turns to Jin with a skeptical look, “What did you give him?”

Jin shrugs, still looking at his phone, “A dose of reality.”

“Is that a code word for crack?” Taehyung asks, watching his friend happily interact with the hair stylist checking them out.

“No, I just talked to him a bit,” Seokjin assures them, “He’s done good so far, so I’ll keep going along until it looks like it’s not helping.”

“Jeongguk! It’s hyungs!” JK suddenly cheers, having spotted them. They turn to the source of the yell, and see the little boy already making a b-line to them at full force.

Jimin steps in front of him and JK opens his arms for the trainer to lift him into the air and toss him up, “Oh! Look at you, JK.”

“You look so handsome today.” Taehyung compliments, crowding the boy with the others.

JK turns red, but he doesn’t shy away, “I know~” They all laugh at his cute confidence. 

Jeongguk walks up not too long after, having to finish paying before he could join, “I’m glad you all made it.”

“Well, it’s not everyday that we get a personal invitation from Jeon Jeongguk himself.” Yoongi teases.

“Are we ready to move this party along?” Jin asks, standing from his seat in the waiting area.

“Yeah.” Jeongguk moves forward to take JK out of Jimin’s arms and set him on the floor, “We have quite a bit planned today, so I hope you’re all okay with that.”

They all look at each other, and it’s Hoseok that answers for them, “Not a problem at all.”

They leave the salon and begin their walk, following after Jeongguk and JK, the younger of the two walking with a dance in his step.

“So, what are we doing today?” Namjoon asks.

“We’re going to the mall!” JK answers, turning around and walking backwards.

Jeongguk grabs onto JK’s hand to keep him on track, “I figured we could actually go and enjoy what they have while JK is with me instead of keeping him in the house or on set all day.”

Taehyung scoffs, “Really? You want to go to the mall-Ow!” He cries out when Yoongi punches him in the side.

“I don’t really want to go, but it’s not about me today.” Jeongguk admits, surprising his friends, “We’re going because JK will like it, and I just needed some backup.” He stops to turn and look at the others for their opinions, “I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s not a problem at all.” Hoseok assures him.

The mall is a quick walk, not too far from the salon that they all met up at. And once they get inside, it’s only a problem of deciding what to do first.

“Where do you wanna go, JK?” Jeongguk asks him, gently squeezing his hand. 

“Um…what’s that?” He asks, pointing to a big sign further down.

“The orange sign?” Namjoon asks, trying to make sure he knows exactly what JK is talking about. He nods and Namjoon looks up again, “It’s a trampoline park. So you get to jump around.”

“Really?” The boy asks, already filling with excitement, “I wanna go there!”

So they do. They all get signed up and purchase their socks, even getting a locker so they can put away what they don’t need. Jin puts the key bracelet around his wrist, having more faith in himself than anyone else to not lose it.

The options for jumping are endless. There’s an area where anyone can just jump freely, mostly filled with kids around JK’s age. Then there are two long tracks leading up to a foam pit where you can do flips or just dive to your heart's content. They have other activities like dodgeball and a dunking range, where you can jump up to the net and dunk a ball. They have so many options and it’s hard to choose just one. The only real option is to try each one at least once.

JK absolutely loves every second. And what’s surprising is how much Jeongguk enjoys it as well. The way he encourages JK to jump higher, and openly challenges the others to join him or do better. For the first time in a long time, they’re seeing the teenager they’d each met before he closed himself off and bottled himself up. It’s a nice change of pace compared to the stick in the mud they’re so used to seeing.

But all that jumping will really work up an appetite.

“Do you know what you want to eat now, JK?” Jin asks again. The food court is huge with almost an endless amount of options. Leaving a decision like that up to a little boy is like asking him what he wants for Christmas.

“Uh…um…” JK looks around the large room again, studying the different signs and trying to pinpoint different smells. There are so many things that sound delicious, but he just can’t decide. He turns to Jin, “I don’t know…”

“It’s okay.” He assures him, patting his shoulder gently. He says it’s okay, but Jin is the biggest foodie in the group. Standing and waiting when he already knows what he wants is torture.

Taehyung comes back with his bag of food, Jimin right behind him. Taehyung stops when he sees JK still standing where they’d left him, “Hey, he still hasn’t gotten food yet?”

JK pouts, “No…”

Jin glares at Taehyung, and he just shrugs, “What?!” He looks to the other’s already sitting with their food as well, but none offer him any help. So, the photographer takes it upon himself. He sets his bag on the table and opens it up, pulling out his burger. He opens it up and offers it to the confused boy, “Here, JK. Do you want a bite of my burger? Maybe that’ll help you decide.”

JK is hesitant, but Taehyung assures him that it’s okay. He grabs onto the burger and takes a small bite. As soon as he does, his eyes light up in excitement.

“Oh! That looks like a happy face!” Taehyung says, “Is that what you want?” He asks.

JK nods, and Jin sighs in relief, “Let’s go get one, okay?”

“Okay!” The two go off to get their food, JK walking with the pep back in his step.

Yoongi laughs watching him, “You know, for the two of you being so similar, you’re so vastly different.”

“Really? You think so?” Jeongguk asks.

“Yeah. The first difference being JK is happy-go-lucky 24/7 and you’re having an energy spurt right now-Ah!” It’s Namjoon that kicks Taehyung under the table, and the photographer whines, “Stop hitting me! I swear to god!”

“What he’s trying to say, is we’re not used to seeing you like this.” Namjoon explains.

“Yeah? Well, I’m trying to do better for myself.” Jeongguk admits, “I know my problem hasn’t really been much of a secret with you guys, and I’m just now working on how to accept outside help.”

“Well, we’re here for you anytime you need it.” Jimin assures him.

“Yeah, it’s not easy doing any of this show business stuff on your own.” Hoseok adds.

“It can be really draining if you’re not careful, and it’ll suck the soul right out of you.” Yoongi agrees. He looks at Jeongguk and scoffs, “But I guess you already know that.” Jeongguk laughs, and it makes the other’s comfortable enough to laugh as well. 

Namjoon looks to where JK is waiting in line with Jin for food and sighs, “I guess it was just a good thing that JK got dropped off with you when he did.”

“You think so?” Jeongguk asks.

“Absolutely!” Jimin agrees, “Ever since he’s come around, you’ve changed.”

“A good change.” Hoseok adds.

Jeongguk nods in understanding. He’s known for a while that he hasn’t been what he used to, and JK coming in and changing up his usual pattern really has helped him to see that and live differently these past few weeks. In a way, JK appearing in his room was like a blessing he never knew he needed. 

“Well, I’m hoping I can make this change last for a long time.”

*

*

*

In the days that he was granted off, Jeongguk had many accomplishments. He started conversations, he smiled at people more, and he let himself just enjoy who he is. It’s something he hasn’t done in quite a while, and it’s been like a breath of fresh air to just enjoy life.

To enjoy being himself.

But with every good day, there comes a bad. And to his credit, Jeongguk has made himself quite a few good days, and he knew when he started that this process of a “new him” wouldn’t be easy. But nobody told him hard would feel impossible.

The day started fine. Get up, get dressed, start breakfast, wake up JK, and get him ready for the day as well. They met Seokjin on time and they made it to set on time. Everything was going just as planned until he got settled in his stylist’s chair and opened his phone.

“Big time actor with a drinking problem? An anonymous source was quoted saying they saw multiple empty bottles in the trash bins of Actor Jeon Jeongguk’s apartment. Click here to read the full article~”

Suddenly, Jeongguk feels small again, like the smallest person in the universe. Of course, he knew he had a drinking problem, and his friends also knew he had a drinking problem. He didn’t know anyone else knew about it as well. And to his credit, maybe they didn’t know. But someone figured it out, and they went through his trash for proof. They did what they could to put him front and center on the cover of some magazine, and they succeeded. 

He can hear Jin now, cursing and yelling at someone on the phone while JK uses a pair of headphones to watch a movie and drown him out. He can see the lights flashing in his eyes, muffled voices molding together and demanding to know if he has a drinking problem, what drove him to it, if he needs help, if it explains his behavior towards the press for who knows how long. 

Every word makes a new thought, and every new thought is like the weight of another bottle being added to his hands. It doesn’t even make him angry that someone would do this. But his anxiety feels like it’s at an all time high. It’s kicked the air out of his lungs, and he just wants to go home and forget it all.

But he can’t go home.

He’s still trapped in a prison cell trying to pretend he’s someone he hasn’t been in a long time.

Even when he does finally make it home, Jeongguk is still bothered by the words he read. Jin said he would take care of it, but Jeongguk still sees them moving in front of him, taunting him to no end. It’s times like this where he wants to drink the pain away, but that would only make everything worse.

He just needs it all to go away! It all just has to disappear and never come back! He just wants peace, and he doesn’t think that’s so much to ask. But being alone right now, is something he won’t get.

Because he still has his younger self to worry about.

—

Ever since Jin asked JK to watch a movie so he could make a phone call, he could tell that something’s been wrong. He guessed it was grown-up stuff since Jin and Jeongguk kept whispering to each other. Grown ups usually whisper around him when they don’t want him to hear about things.

But he does.

He always hears what they don’t want him to. Even if he doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong, he can usually tell that something is wrong. Especially right now. It was hard not to notice Jeongguk looking sadder. He’d been so happy over the past few days, and even in the morning! But then he stopped smiling as much, and that worries him.

“Jeongguk?” JK asks, carefully watching his older self pace around the kitchen. The blonde stops to look at him, but he’s truthfully just going through the motions at the Moment, “Are you okay?”

Jeongguk lets out a frustrated sigh. He was being obvious. Apparently, so obvious that even JK has started to notice that he’s not okay. 

He needs to chill.

“I’m fine, buddy.” Jeongguk lies, putting on a brave front to save face until JK would finally fall asleep.

He comes to join JK in the living room to help ease him, but the little boy isn’t so easily swayed, “But you look really sad…” JK notes, saying Jeongguk’s fears aloud.

Even to someone as young and impressionable as JK, he could even tell that Jeongguk was feeling less than okay. But as his older self, it’s his job to show him that everything is just fine, even when it’s not.

“I’m not sad, I’m just having a rough day.” Jeongguk explains, hoping the little white lie will pass for now.

JK takes the bait, but not in the way Jeongguk was hoping, “Maybe you can take a bath! With bubbles! Tons and tons of bubbles!” JK suggests. A bubble bath is a great idea! They’re warm and tons of fun. JK is sure Jeongguk would love it too. “Bubbles make everything better.”

“I really appreciate you thinking about me buddy, but I don’t really want to take a bath right now.” It’s heartwarming that JK cares so much for him, but also so frustrating that he won’t let Jeongguk drop the subject. He just wants to get through 2 more hours and then go to bed before he has to wake up and face any more bad publicity aimed at him.

“Maybe we can watch a movie?” JK suggests, unaware that while he’s trying to help, it’s not truly helping Jeongguk at the Moment, “Movies make me happy!”

“Not right now, JK.” Jeongguk calmly repeats, keeping his words precise and to the point like Jin had suggested he do.

JK pouts, “But I want to make you feel better.”

Jeongguk sighs, “I don’t want your help right now, buddy.” 

“But I’m a good helper! Mommy says so.” JK assures him, proud that his Mom thinks so highly of him.

“Well, I’m saying no right now.” Jeongguk says, starting to let his frustration seep out. He can feel all the pent up frustration and anxiety that he’s been holding in ready to boil over, and he’s really trying his best not to blow up. But he’s losing his patience every time he has to repeat himself. He just doesn’t see how JK can’t understand.

How he can’t seem to understand.

“But I can-“

“I said no!” Jeongguk repeats, louder than the firm voice that Jin had suggested.

It shocks JK, making him jump in surprise at the outburst. When did Jeongguk get angry? He wonders. He was just trying to help, so why would he be angry? 

“Jeongguk-“

“No! Stop!” Jeongguk pleads. He stands from the couch and moves just past his coffee table, unable to sit any longer. He turns to JK in frustration, “Can’t you just listen the first time I tell you something?! It’s not that hard!”

“I’m sorry…” JK apologizes, voice small. He hadn’t meant to make Jeongguk mad, he just wanted to help.

Jeongguk scoffs, “Sure you are.” He mutters under his breath. But however quiet he may have thought he was, JK still heard him.

“I am! I am sorry!” JK argues.

He jumps off the couch to defend himself, and Jeongguk takes a step back, “Please-“ He holds his hands up in defense, closing his eyes and trying to remind himself to remain calm. The situation is bad enough, and he doesn’t need to add arguing with a child to the list and make it worse for himself, “Just leave me alone.” 

“But I’m here to help you!” JK yells..

“Well, you’re not helping right now. Please sit back down.” Jeongguk begs, hoping more than anything that he’ll listen to him.

But of course, JK doesn’t hear Jeongguk’s pleas. He only hears the accusations that he’s not doing what he knows he’s doing, “I am! I’m helping!”

“JK-“ 

The little boy climbs on top of the coffee table, little hands balled into fists at his sides, “I’m a great helper!” He reminds him.

“Well, you aren’t helping me!” Jeongguk blurts out, “You’ve been nothing but annoying since you got here!”

“I’m not annoying!” JK denies, stomping his foot on the table and defiance.

“Yes! Yes, you are!” Jeongguk argues back, “And you know what else?” The adult asks. He’s past annoyed, and he’s past mad. He’s at a point that he didn’t think he’d get to. A point where the argument doesn’t matter as long as it gets ended. The point in a fight where people get hurt for the sake of being right, “You’re a pain in the ass! You’ve made everything a pain in my ass!”

“Don’t say that! That’s a bad word!” JK scolds, waving a finger at Jeongguk.

“I can say any bad words I want! I’m an adult-“ Jeongguk reminds the young boy, pointing his own finger at him to mirror his actions, “-and I’m the one that’s already lived our life! You don’t know what the real world is like and you need to stop acting like you know!”

“I do know!”

“You don’t see the big picture! All you’re seeing is sunshine and rainbows, and the world isn’t like that! You’re just a baby”

The accusation makes JK‘s lip quiver, “I’m not a baby!”

“You are! You’re a big baby, and you aren’t even real!” Jeongguk fights back, adding more insult to injury.

“Yes, I am!” JK cries back. He’s red in the face now, and his eyes fighting to hold back angry tears that have quickly formed. 

“No! You’re me! And sooner or later, you’re going to leave and it’s just going to be me! Exactly how it should always be! I don’t need you here!” Jeongguk says.

That seems to be what finally breaks the damn for JK. His tears finally fall, and all he can do is yell, “You’re mean! I don’t want to grow up to be like you! I don’t wanna be a meanie!”

“Then leave! Go! See if I care! I never asked for you to show up!” Jeongguk storms away, heading for his living room balcony to lock himself away. JK follows him, but the blonde closes the sliding door on him, sitting with his back against the glass and holding it shut.

“Jeongguk! I’m sorry, Jeongguk!” His little voice wavers with every apology, but it doesn’t reach outside. 

The eldest Jeongguk just throws his hands over his ears in an attempt to keep his thoughts to himself, tears of anger sliding down his own cheeks. He does his best to block out the light tapping against the glass, “I’m not a disappointment….I’m not a bum…I’m not a terrible person…”

“Jeongguk!” The little boy cries again. He doesn’t appreciate being ignored, and it starts to replace his sadness with anger. He stops his tapping with his hands long enough to wipe his eyes and blow his nose into his shirt, taking deep, labored breaths to stop his sobbing. 

Thinking about it, Jeongguk was right. He isn’t helping him. Not if he’s still being mean. He came to help himself, but he’s only made things worse. He doesn’t want himself anymore, and he can’t stay if Jeongguk doesn’t want him. So he slips on his little light up shoes - right on the left and left on the right - and runs off into the night. 

If he couldn’t do his job, then he’d have to go.

——

Jeongguk isn’t sure how anyone can do this. He doesn’t know how people can just manage their emotions, even at their lowest points. Yesterday, he thought everything would be fine, and now he’s back to where he was before JK showed up. Crying on his balcony and feeling sorry for himself.

But he doesn’t have a reason to feel sorry for himself, at least he doesn’t feel that way. He thought he’d feel better if he could just step away, but he just wants to cry more.

What kind of person yells at a child? Who just argues with a small human trying to help him? How do parents manage themselves and a tiny living being with their own rampant emotions? It’s impossible. It’s unimaginable.

And now he’s just an asshole who yelled at a child. Who said things he didn’t mean. Who said what he could to hurt them and then blocked them out. He left JK to cry on his own after yelling such awful things at him, and there was nothing he could do to take that back.

He can only hope that with enough time, JK will forgive him for how terrible of an older JK he truly is.

Jeongguk opens the door back into the apartment, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He doesn’t hear JK, only the sounds of the TV. But after the fight they just had, he’s probably hiding far away from him.

He probably would too.

Jeongguk turns off the TV, “JK? Where are you buddy?” He calls into the apartment. He checks around the living room furniture, but he doesn’t see him hiding anywhere. He even checks behind the kitchen island, but he’s not there. He turns down the hall to his room,  “Hey, I really want to talk to you.”

“JK, I know you’re upset with me! Trust me, I would be too…” Jeongguk mutters that last part to himself, “But I owe you an apology buddy.” He peaks into the bathroom, but JK isn’t shining under the sink or hiding in the bathtub. So Jeongguk continues down the hall, “There was no excuse for me to take my anger out on you. You don’t have to forgive me, but I want you to hear that what I did and said was wrong.”

“JK?” Jeongguk checks JK’s room, but everything looks the same. A little dirty, but fairly well kept. Only a stray toy here and there, but no obvious blanket piles where a child would be hiding. He checks under his bed and in his closet, but JK is still nowhere to be found. It’s starting to worry his older self, “JK?!”

Jeongguk rushes into his room, checking every hiding spot he can think of. But once again, there is no JK. He runs to check by the front door, opening the coat closet and other random storage, but there is no JK in sight. It’s by the door that Jeongguk notices the little house slippers he’d helped JK get on his feet only an hour or so ago are left unattended, his light up sneakers missing.

“Then leave! Go! See if I care! I never asked for you to show up!” He had yelled before barricading himself on the balcony. It echoes in the back of his head like a sick mantra, haunting him as he looks for the missing sneakers.

JK wouldn’t have really left, right? It’s so cold outside, and the rain will only make it colder. If JK really left, then did he take a coat? Where would he have gone? He could be anywhere. He could be with anyone.

Maybe he just went to the lobby.

Jeongguk slips on a pair of sneakers, not even bothering to lace them up before he runs out of his apartment with a jacket thrown over his shoulder. He all but breaks the elevator button, begging and pleading in his mind that it will come faster so he can confirm that JK is just sitting in the lobby. That JK didn’t leave on his own and is angrily waiting for Jeongguk to come and find him.

He’s just trying to scare him.

“JK!” Jeongguk yells, flying out of the elevator and almost knocking over a woman on her way up. He throws an apology over his shoulder, but he doesn’t stop to check on her. His focus is on surveying the lobby.

He runs to the bathroom, the gym, the pool, running in and checking every hiding place without a care in the world for who watches him, “JK! JK, where are you buddy?” 

He asks the front desk attendant if he’s seen him, but he shakes his head. He offers to call every tenant with an empathetic smile, but a smile isn’t going to help Jeongguk. Not if he can’t find JK. 

He runs outside under the awning and yells, “JK?!”

He’s out of breath, close to tears as he looks around. He waits, hoping to hear his voice, but no one yells back. Jeongguk doesn’t know what else to do, and there’s only one person he can think to call at a time like this.

“Yes, Jeongguk?” Jin answers.

“JK is missing!” Jeongguk shouts into the phone, not wasting any time.

“What?” Jin asks.

“He’s missing! We got into an argument and he ran off!” Jeongguk cries. He looks out into the dark night, watching the hard drops of water hit the pavement. JK is somewhere out in this rain all by himself or worse, and he has no clue where to look first. He can’t help but think about what led to this, and how this never would have happened if he could just handle himself like any other adult can! “This is all my fault! Me and my stupid mouth!”

“Okay, calm down.” Jin says. Jeongguk can hear him shuffling around on the other end of the line, “Did you check everywhere? Under the beds, the closets-?”

“I’ve looked everywhere in the apartment and around the building and he’s not here!” Jeongguk repeats, “I don’t know where he could have gone…”

“Okay, I’m getting my shoes on and I’ll be out soon to help you look for him, okay?” Jin asks, trying to assure Jeongguk that he’s not alone in this, “Did you call the others?”

“No! I called you first.” He answers.

“Okay, call the others and ask them to come help, okay? Now, do you remember what he was wearing last?” Jin asks, trying to calm Jeongguk down so he can get helpful answers out of him.

“Uh…” Jeongguk thinks back to the afternoon when he’d spilled water on himself and he had to change into the clothes he didn’t think he’d have to bring with them, “A green dinosaur shirt and black Nike pants!”

“Okay, good. We’re going to need to tell people who we’re looking for, okay? I’ll see you soon.” Jin hangs up the phone, calm and confident. But Jeongguk isn’t quite as confident anymore. Even so, Jeongguk trusts Jin to steer him in the right direction.

Jeongguk makes his calls, walking around the block in the process just to make sure JK isn’t too far from the building. He tells them everything he can, hoping to anything he can think of to help him find JK.

It doesn’t take long for everyone to show up, Yoongi Taehyung and Namjoon pulling beside him to hopefully coax him into the car and bring him back to the lobby of the complex. Jeongguk is soaked from head to toe from searching in the rain without an umbrella, but he’s still itching to get back into the rain and find JK at whatever cost it takes.

“Alright, I alerted the police already. They know we’re looking for a little boy with JK’s description, and they’re going to have the cars patrolling in this neighborhood look around as well.” Jin says, shoving his phone into his coat pocket.

“We should check local restaurants and stores.” Yoongi says, going through a list in his mind of the various locations JK has been to and has wanted to go to.

“We should also look at bus stops too.” Namjoon adds.

“Where have you checked so far Jeongguk?” Hoseok asks. They all turn to the actor, but his mind is somewhere else. He’s locked on a memory of a crying little boy, “Jeongguk!”

“What? Oh!” It takes Jeongguk a second to register the question, “I’ve checked every amenity in the building and the surrounding area, but I haven’t found him yet.”

“There are other apartment complexes in this area too. He might’ve gone inside one to get away from the rain.” Jimin suggests.

“Taehyung and I can go around and check the other apartments.” Hoseok says, claiming his search partner.

“Good.” Jin nods his approval. 

“He might get scared and turn around. I can stay here in case he comes back,” Namjoon offers, “I can check with the apartment security too and see if they have any cameras that might have seen JK.”

Yoongi pulls out his car keys and grabs onto Jimin’s jacket ready to go, “Jimin and I will check restaurants and stores nearby.”

Jin nods, “Jeongguk and I will keep going on foot and see if we find him hiding in a gazebo or something. If you hear anything, then send it to the group chat.”

Everyone takes off in their assigned directions, not wasting any time to get out and look. As soon as he gets the clear, Jeongguk is running off into the rain again. Jin is hot on his trail, his feet stomping behind the actor’s.

“JK!” Jeongguk yells, hands cupped around his mouth, “Jeongguk!” He scans the area for any movement or any brightly colored green shirts, but he doesn’t find anything. He coughs, his throat hurting from the yelling and winded from running, “Jeongguk, please! Answer me!”

“Jeongguk!” “Jin shouts behind him, struggling to keep up with him, “Jeongguk, stop!”

Jeongguk stops for only a Moment so Jin can catch up, “We have to keep going, hyung! I have to find him!”

“I know, but just stop for a second!” Jin pleads, barely holding onto the sleeve of the blonde’s jacket, “If you keep running like you are then you might miss him!” 

Jeongguk does as he’s asked, letting his body rest for a minute so he can look around him. He’s run quite a bit in a short amount of time, but there’s no telling how far JK’s gone in that same amount, “I can’t let him get even farther.”

“Stop going through the motions!” Jin scolds, “If you keep going through the motions, then you’re never going to see the big picture. You’ll only be blinded by the finish line and not the task at hand!”

Jin’s right. Jeongguk’s only been scanning the area around him. He hasn’t been looking-looking. He’s just hoping he’ll catch a glimpse, but if he keeps doing that then that glimpse is going to go right past him. 

He looks around the area they’re in again. They’ve walked through it once when Jeongguk was first trying to figure out what to do with JK. He’d brought JK to play so he could think about what he could do next, and about the lie he’d create until JK would disappear. He was thinking about the finish line and didn’t even pay attention to the task at hand.

Taking care of JK.

Jeongguk takes two steps back before turning around into a full sprint. He takes off through the park until he reaches the large play set he’s only seen one other time.

“It’s so big! Do you play here a lot?” JK had asked him, staring at the castle-like play set in awe..

Jeongguk only shrugged in response, “Not really. Big kids don’t play in kid’s castles.”

“Well, if I were as big as you, I’d live here instead.” He’d said.

He can only hope that this is where he went.

“JK? Are you here?!” Jeongguk asks, running through the lower parts of the playground. He checks under slides and in small alcoves with cut outs to wave to their parents, “JK, please! Where are you?! Please answer me!”

He turns his face to the sky, letting the cold droplets torment him. Through the trees he can see the vague light from the stars above him, and he can only wonder if JK can see them too.

“I’m sorry…” He whimpers, tearing up at the thought of never seeing JK again. Wondering just how scared and alone he’s feeling at the moment. All because of him. He wanted a chance to talk to himself and convince himself that their life wasn’t all that great, but it didn’t work. He only made a mess of things, and he wants to take it all back, “I never should have said those things to you, JK…I never should have yelled at you. I never should have shut you out. I never should have tried to change who you are….Who we are.”

Jeongguk lets out a choked sob, “I just want you to be okay…”

…

Achoo!

The sneeze is quiet, almost going unheard over the rain, but Jeongguk manages to pick it up. Then he hears another.

Achoo!

“JK…?” He mutters to himself. He hears a small sniffle in the same direction and follows it, climbing up a small rock climbing wall to get on the play set. He walks down the narrow walkway to follow the sounds he heard until he finally sees bright, colorful lights from JK’s light up shoes go off in a plastic tunnel up ahead, “JK!”

Jeongguk rushes to the tunnel, falling to the floor and finding the little boy laying down on his side out of the rain. He doesn’t move.

“JK! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Jeongguk asks, gently grabbing JK at the knees and pulling him into his arms. His clothes are just as soaked as Jeongguk’s, and his face is all red and puffy. Jeongguk puts a hand against his cheek and moves it to his forehead, “You’re freezing…Here-!” Jeongguk shrugs off the coat he put over his shoulder. The outside was soaked, but the inside is at least mostly dry and will warm him up until they get back to the apartment. He wraps it around him and zips it up to his puffy cheeks, “There you go. We’re gonna get you nice and warm, and then we can tell everyone you’re okay.”

JK looks at him, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t make any move of acknowledgement and it worries the actor.

“JK?” Jeongguk asks again, worried. He looks down to make sure the boy isn’t hurt, but all he sees are his sneakers on the wrong feet, “Your shoes are on the wrong feet. Do they hurt?” 

Silence.

“Let’s get these fixed and then we can go home.” Jeongguk says. He goes to remove his shoes, but JK moves his feet away from him.

“I don’t want to go home with you…” JK mutters, his little voice hoarse from all the crying and yelling he’d done, “You don’t love me.”

“What?! Of course I love you! You’re me!” Jeongguk reminds him. He moves a hand to cup JK’s cheek, “I was just upset earlier, that’s all.”

JK pushes his hand away, “You said I’m not real!”

“No! I mean- Yes, I did say that, but no! I was wrong. You are real. You’re every much a part of me as I am, okay?” Jeongguk asks. He places his hand on JK’s arm instead and gently rubs his hand up and down, “I got mad at someone else, and I took that out on you. I hurt you, and I had no excuse to do that. No matter how angry I was.”

That only seems to make whatever leftover tears the boy has fall down his cheeks, “I don’t want to grow into a mean adult! I want to be cool when I grow up.”

“You will. We will.” Jeongguk assures him, trying his best to comfort himself.

“But you’re mean-“ JK chokes on a sob, “-and you say things that hurt.”

“I know, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to apologize for how I’ve treated us enough.” Jeongguk admits, trying to keep himself from crying as well, “I promise you, that I am going to be so much better for the both of us.”

“Really?” JK asks. 

“Really.” Jeongguk nods. He adjusts JK on his lap and holds him tighter in an embrace, pressing their heads together, “I’m going to stop being a big old meanie pants and I’m going to get help. I’m going to rely on my friends and I’m going to make sure our job and what we do is actually fun and I’m going to be nicer.”

This seems to appease the little boy, and his sobs seem to calm down. But it’s still not quite enough, “And-…?”

“And what?” Jeongguk asks, curious as to what he could have missed.

“Aren’t you going to love yourself too?” JK asks, as if that itself is the most obvious question in the world.

And it is.

Jeongguk pulls back and moves them into a hug, “I will…I will do better to love myself. And I’ll do it because you reminded me what it’s like to be me. I’m grown now, but I don’t need to stop enjoying the simple things in life. I can still have childish fun! I know this because you reminded me.”

“But you said you don’t need me.” JK reminds him, playing with his hands inside of the coat Jeongguk put on him.

Jeongguk pulls away to look the little boy in the eye, “I was wrong. I was so terribly, and incredibly wrong to think that I don’t need you!” Jeongguk assures him. He pulls him into another hug and squeezes him tight, “I think I’ve needed you for a long time.”

“You mean it?”

“I do.” The blonde nods, “I promise that I’m going to make today up to you. We’re going to have so much fun this week, and you don’t have to forgive me for anything. I just need you to know that I need you.”

“I need you too…” JK smiles, happy to have finally helped.

*

*

*

After all was said and done the other night, the others didn’t scold Jeongguk too much. All things considered, the actor learned his lesson in how to talk to children fairly well. They mostly spent their time that night drying their clothes and making sure JK was warm, fed, and happy.

He did end up running a fever that next day, and Jeongguk stayed by him all day. He made sure he took his medicine on time, made sure he wasn’t bored, and even made sure he slept well. 

Of course, they had to deal with the repercussions of the article. But Jeongguk was more than happy to come forward with the truth. He came clean and told everyone of his struggles and why he felt the need to turn to something so harmful to him. He detailed how the problem stemmed from his need to be perfect at everything, and that was silly because no one could be perfect at everything.

He asked that everyone respect his privacy on the matter, but that he was definitely seeking help and turning it all around. He even talked about funding a program in the future to help those struggling with addiction. The media seemed to take it well enough, but his current show did not.

They dropped him.

But there would be more opportunities. Leaving this one would only ensure that he could take the time he needs to heal himself. Both him and his younger self. That’s probably why he’s found himself climbing through a half shut gate after his hyungs.

“Are we allowed to be here, Taehyung?” Namjoon asks, eyeing the barely open gate wearily.

The photographer only nods, “It’s public property.”

“Public property doesn’t usually have a lock.” Jin comments, standing beside Namjoon debating what would be best to tell his lawyer.

“Will you guys just live a little?” Taehyung groans. He lifts up his camera and takes a candid shot, throwing his arms into the air and spinning in the open area of the rooftop, “This spot is great for a photoshoot!”

Yoongi sighs, “If the police get called, just remember we don’t have to run fast. Just faster than him.” He decides against slipping through the crack in the chain, and instead climbs up and over the fence.

Namjoon and Jin share another look, but they’re outnumbered. Everyone else is already either inside the gate or squeezing their way in. Someone would have to make sure there’s no way they get arrested.

The rooftop itself is secluded, but there’s a few old mattresses thrown around. Some older magazines litter the area around it, and a few crates that are turned over as if they’ve been used as chairs.

“Have you been up here before?” Hoseok asks

“I told you guys, this is public property despite what you may think.” Taehyung teases, “I just thought it would be nice up here, don’t you?”

“You can see everything up here!” JK cheers, looking at the area around him. He spots something in the distance and takes off for the edge, Jeongguk quickly running after him before he can make it to the edge, “Look! We live over there!”

“Yeah! We sure do!” Jeongguk agrees, his hands holding tight onto the little boy’s shoulder. He pulls him closer to his front and slowly takes a few steps back with him, “Let’s stay away from the edge though, okay?”

JK nods, “Okay.”

“So, Director Taehyung~“ Jimin teases, turning to his friend, “Where do you want us?”

Taehyung sighs, a cheeky smile on his face, “I thought you guys would never ask.”

Their photoshoot is mostly candid shots. Taehyung will explain what he wants them to do, and then he’ll just let them do whatever while he takes their photos. Sometimes he’ll even set his camera to record and hop in with them, planning to take stills afterwards in his studio. It’s not much different from normal photo shoots with him, but it’s much more relaxed up on the rooftop.

Everyone works to incorporate JK into the shots as well. They all take turns posing with him, helping him understand what Taehyung asks, and just having fun with him in general. Jeongguk and JK definitely get quite a few shots together.

Individual shots are definitely much more lax with just them. They all cheer and holler, hyping up the person posing. They make suggestions, and cheer even louder when their suggestions are taken. Even Taehyung gets some photos of his own - courtesy of Jimin. Though, no one had more cheers than JK.

Jeongguk’s were definitely something. The others were taking him all over, fawning over his poses and his expressions. But his favorite pose had to have been on the crate.

Taehyung had brought one over - near the edge of the building but not too close and asked him to hop up, “I want you to pretend as though you’re weightless.” Taehyung had said.

Weightless.

Jeongguk hasn’t known what weightless feels like in a long time. 

Standing on the crate, he put his arms up like a bird and tried to imagine what weightless might feel like. Maybe like a breath of fresh air? Maybe it’s like seeing the finished product for something you worked hard on? Maybe weightless is as simple as eating your favorite food? There are so many possibilities but no one seems like the only answer. 

But there’s a part of him that thinks of the most recent fun he’s had. Going out with his friends, being himself, enjoying time with JK…those all make his heart skip a beat. Not in the “love butterflies” kind of way, but the “happiness butterflies” in a sense. This butterflies you get when you’re just content with where you are, and it makes you so happy that it makes your stomach flutter.

Maybe that’s weightless. 

Maybe that’s what helps him feel like he’s weightless.

Maybe he’d never really know the answer.

But maybe he doesn’t need to.

Thankfully, by the time their photoshoot is over, no one gets arrested. As a reward, Jin suggests they all leave to get ice cream. Of course, with JK being on board, no one is against it.

The little boy happily eats away at his sunday, watching Taehyung click through picture after picture. Both of them - the child and the even bigger child - are content to sit at their own table.

Jin sits down between Jeongguk and Yoongi and sighs, “You know, I’m gonna miss having JK around when his parents get back.”

Hoseok scoffs from the other side of the table, “I bet they’re going to miss all that alone time!”

Jimin laughs, “What are you going to do with all of that free time you get, Jeongguk?” He asks.

The blonde shrugs, “Maybe I’ll try a new hobby…” He stares down at his ice cream, moving it around with his spoon. He hasn’t thought too much about his plans from here, but maybe that’s because he already has an idea in the back of his mind, “I do like the idea of starting an organization.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Yoongi agrees, “It might be healing in more ways than one.”

Jeongguk nods and turns to look at his younger self chatting with Taehyung, “Yeah…but I’m going to miss having him around…”  

JK has easily become a constant in JK’s life in the short amount of time that he’s been with him. He’s grown used to his younger self, even if his getting there wasn’t the most ideal. But the knowledge that JK won’t be there forever still haunts him. Part of him is worried that after he leaves he’ll go back to the way he was before. Another part of him doesn’t want him to leave at all. But if the universe brought him here without his acceptance, then it would take him away too.

Jeongguk sighs, “I’ll just enjoy however many days I have left with him.”

—-

Later that night, Jeongguk is laying in bed staring up at the ceiling. Next to his head, his phone plays a soft instrumental. He feels calm and at peace. He just feels so much better than he did weeks ago.

“Jeongguk…?”

Jeongguk sits up on his elbow, finding the boy standing in the doorway with the large plush bunny that Yoongi swears Jimin bought him, “Yeah, buddy?”

“Can I sleep with you?” JK asks.

“Sure.” Jeongguk moves the blankets off of his lap, allowing the boy to climb into the bed next to the blonde so he can tuck him in, “There you go. Are you warm?”

JK nods, “Mhm…”

“Can’t sleep?” Jeongguk asks, laying down next to his younger self and his bunny. The boy shakes his head and Jeongguk reaches out to rub his arm, “What’s bothering you?”

JK shrugs, squeezing his bunny closer, “Are you happy now?” He asks.

“Yeah, I’m happy. Why?” Jeongguk asks. JK doesn’t answer, and Jeongguk worries that he’s thinking back to their fight, “Are you still thinking about what I said to you when I was mad?”

The boy shakes his head, “No, I know you didn’t mean it…I just want to know you’ll be okay.”

“Of course I will! Why wouldn’t I be?” Jeongguk asks.

“Well…” JK trails off, looking from his older self to the window, “You’re happy now. Now that you’re happy, I have to leave.”

This takes Jeongguk by surprise, “What?” He knew that JK wouldn’t be able to stay forever, but this is so sudden, “What do you mean you have to leave soon?”

“Because you’re happy again!” JK repeats, “My job is almost done.”

“Your job?” Jeongguk asks, confused.

JK nods, “I was sent to make you happy again. So you could talk to me and bring out your inner child.”

“My inner child?” Jeongguk repeats, “You?”

JK smiles, “Mhm! You haven’t seen me in a really long time.” 

“Wait-!” Jeongguk sits up, “-you’ve known this whole time? Why didn’t you say anything?”

JK shrugs, “They told me not to.”

“They?”

“The stars.” JK says, pointing out the window, “They said you were really sad and that you wanted to talk to me,” He explains, “They didn’t tell me how sad you’d be though.”

It’s hard to believe, but it makes more sense than someone conditioning their child - who looks suspiciously like him - to know everything about him. It would explain why he just randomly showed up one night, and Jeongguk has a suspicion that it had to do with one of his drunk escapades.

“So, you really were sent to help me…” 

“Mhm! And now my job’s done…” JK says again. Although the young boy seems proud, he seems almost sad. Like he doesn’t want to go.

Jeongguk lays back down and moves an arm under JK to rub his back, “Well, I’m happy that we met each other.” He leans in close to JK and smiles, cupping a hand over his mouth to whisper to him, “Do you have to go?”

“I do, but I won’t be gone-gone.” He whispers back, giggling at the secrecy from the universe. He lets go of his bunny just long enough to poke Jeongguk’s chest,  “I’m right here.”

“In my heart?” Jeongguk asks.

JK devolves into a fit of giggles, “In you, silly!”

“Yes, yes! Silly me.” The blonde agrees, laughing to himself. He’d miss that giggle of his…

JK pokes the blonde’s chest again, “Jeongguk?” 

“Yes, Jeongguk?” He answers playfully.

But the little boy is only slightly amused, “Please go and see, Mom. She’s worried about us. About you…” Jeongguk tilts his head, as if asking how he knows and JK hides his face in his plush,  “I heard Jin talking to her on the phone after your talk with the news people.”

It’d been awhile since Jeongguk last spoke to his Mom and actually meant to talk to her. Years since the last meaningful conversation he had with her. He used to talk to her all the time, and then once a week, and then once a month, until he only ever called to please her. It wasn’t that she was overbearing or demanding, but because he could tell she was worried about him. And he couldn’t worry her or burden her with his failures.

But a good talk with his mother is long overdue.

“I will.” Jeongguk promises, taking JK’s smaller pinky in his bigger one, “I’m going to turn it all around. For us.”

“Can I hold your hand before I go?” JK asks. His voice is small, and though he may be trying to hide it, Jeongguk can hear the waver in his voice.

He releases the boy’s pinky in exchange for his hand, squeezing it lightly for comfort - and not just for the boy, “You can always hold my hand.” 

JK nods and closes his eyes, resting his head on top of the plush where JK can see him more clearly. Jeongguk watches him for a minute, taking in how he looks now so he can remember this Moment for as long as his memory will let him. An opportunity like this doesn’t come to everyone, but he’ll be damned if he wastes his more than he has.

He almost doesn’t want to close his eyes, afraid that if he blinks, that JK will just disappear. But it seems JK can sense that as well.

“Jeongguk?” JK mumbles, eyes still closed. The blonde hums in response, rubbing his thumb over the back of the boy’s hand. JK smiles,  “I’m really happy I met you too.”

It’s an unspoken goodbye, one that says I’m leaving, but I won’t go very far. It’s comforting. It encourages Jeongguk to let his eyes close and just enjoy what he has right now. 

Maybe if he’s lucky, they can dream together.

*

*

*

The morning light shines through the open curtains of Jeongguk’s room, the morning breeze drifting in from his bedroom balcony. It’s been left open, as if someone had snuck in in the middle of the night and left it open. The breeze is chilly, but it feels refreshing.

Rejuvenating.

Jeongguk slowly opens his eyes, blinking once - twice - as he tries to get a grip on his surroundings. There’s a weight in his arms, and looking down, he sees the plush that JK had brought to bed with him.

No JK.

Jeongguk sits up in his bed, lifting his hands to his face to rub the sleep from his eyes. Only, he doesn’t truly feel tired. He feels almost as if he’s already eaten breakfast and showered. He feels like someone came in and washed him over in his sleep.

He leaves his bed, leaving the bunny tangled in his sheets. He stops by JK’s room just to double check, but no JK. The bathroom is wide open and clear when he walks by, and the living room and kitchen are free of any sign of the boy. A sense of worry doesn’t fill him this time, however. Instead, Jeongguk feels a sense of understanding. Like, JK not being there is exactly as it should be. 

Jeongguk walks by a decorative mirror and stops, spotting something different in the mirror. His hair is no longer the blonde that he had bleached it, but light brown. It’s like mix between his old blonde and JK’s dark brown. It’s almost as if the two mixed together in the night, and created a new person to continue on.

In a way, Jeongguk does kind of feel brand new. 

The weight that’s been sitting on his shoulders is gone. It no longer weighs over him, waiting for him to slip up so it can crush him. No, it’s been lifted like balloons released into the sky. He feels as though he could do anything.

But there’s only one thing that Jeongguk can think to do at this moment.

He goes back to his room and digs his phone out of his sheets. He scrolls through his apps before finding exactly what he’s looking for, bringing it to his ear and waiting.

“Hello?” A woman’s groggy voice answers, still half asleep.

“Mom. It’s me, Jeongguk.” He answers, “Do you have time to talk?”

Maybe he would never be perfect. 

Maybe he’ll never get another opportunity.

But at least he’ll have himself and what’s important to him.

And that’s all that truly matters.

[toomanyfandoms02]

The Photographer // Matthew Gray Gubler x Reader

So I made a one-shot based off of the picture down here!

Word count ~ 3.1k

Summary - y/n is a celebrity photographer, and Matthew's birthday is coming up. This calls for a birthday shoot.

Ever since I was in sixth grade, I dreamed of being a photographer. But back then, I was just taking candid pictures of my cat (Peanut Butter), and random flowers that my mom had graciously planted for me. I really never planned on taking nice, professional pictures of people.

But here I was.

I went to 'California College of Arts' in San Francisco for 4 years. After that, I had a bit of trouble getting myself out there. I had a decent following on my instagram. People liked the pictures of my dog, and the pictures of nature that I took on my many travels. But likes and follows don't get you money, at least not enough. So I switched my focus onto more interesting things.

Advertising yourself as a photographer wasn't an easy task. You had to be ruthless, and be willing to get rejected and not back down. So I did what any semi-sane person would do.

I messaged over 50 celebrities asking of they wanted to do a shoot with me. I sent them my prices, and what kinds of shoots I was willing to do. I didn't have much hope for it, but it was worth a try.

And that's where it began.

Out of all of the messages, Andrew Lincoln, AKA Rick from The Walking Dead messaged me back.

*Hello Miss y/l/n! I've actually seen quite a few of your nature shots and I have always wondered how your photos would turn out with people. I would love to be your Guinea Pig.*

He sent me days he was available and I did his shoot. After posting his pictures, my popularity shot from there.

That was a few years ago, I was now taking photos for multiple celebrities. I was ultimately known for my black and white shoots. I had, in fact, just gotten done with a shoot of A.J. Cook. She had requested *me* to take her pictures for an up and coming article that was being written about her. I, of course, gratefully said yes, being a huge fan of hers, along with the whole Criminal Minds cast.

I emailed her all of the pictures I had taken, edited and all, while simultaneously posting them on my instagram.

It was mere hours later before a notification popped up on my phone of an email that I could not believe. Theres no way that he was emailing me, right?

*You have an Email from Matthew Gray Gubler*

*Hi there! I saw your shoot on AJ's instagram and my birthday is coming up. My manager wants me to do a birthday shoot, and we both like your black and white style. I know it's not usually the kind of thing you, birthdays, do but I figured it was worth a shot, and I think you have some real talent. Let me know when you are free next. I am on a break so my schedule is relatively flexible.*

I could safely say that it was a good thing that I lived alone because I don't think I have ever screamed louder into a pillow. Matthew has been one of my favorite celebrities for the longest time. If we were going to be completely honest, once I started watching Criminal Minds, I immediately had a crush on him. This wasn't exactly the profession to be in if you were going to have a celebrity crush. I was often invited to red carpets and movie premiers, so I met quite a few stars. I never thought I would have to worry about slipping up on my professionalism.

Because I never thought I would even meet him.

My obvious answer to his request was yes. I would never *ever* miss an opportunity to have a photoshoot with someone so inspiring and meaningful to me. So I started writing an email back.

*Hi Matthew!*

Should I address him like that? Is that unprofessional?

*Hi Mr. Gubler*

Abso-fucking-lutely not.

*Hi Matthew!* We are gonna stick with that. *I don't know if this is too short of a notice, but I actually have a free spot tomorrow. (Of course if that doesn't work for you, I can figure something out for later, and try to fit it in before your birthday). I have a few ideas for props that I can send you? Let me know how I can help.*

I sent it and ran my hands through my hair, tossing my phone back onto my comforter. I had taken pictures of so many awesome celebrities:

• Selena Gomez

• Robert Downey Jr.

• Dylan O'Brien

• Grant Gustin

• Holland Roden

• Danai Gurira

But this was by far the coolest one, in my mind at least.

While waiting a little to anxiously for a reply, I decided I was going to make myself some lunch, Ramen. I set my phone on the counter as I boiled my noodles, peering over at the blank screen every few seconds (but really they felt like **minutes**).

Just as I was adding the flavour packet to the bowl my phone buzzed. I jumped slightly, spilling part of the packet out of the bowl.

"Damnit." I quickly wiped the salt into the trash can and snatched my phone, seeing another email.

*Tomorrow is actually perfect, and I would love to hear your recommendations on props, clothes, anything really. I'm going to leave my number on this email so we can have easier contact of that's okay with you.*

Wow, alright. I will now have Matthew Gray Gublers number in my phone. I made a contact for him.

**It's y/n, soooo for props. I figured I could bake you a cake! I took a few baking electives in college so I could make a really nice one and we can do something with it. I recommend you bring clothes you like to wear that are black and white. (Other colors work too, but it just looks and flows better if it's black and white). I will set the rest of the stuff up. I will be ready for you by 1 pm if that's okay.**

*You would bake me a cake?! That would be super cool thank you! I would love that. I will bring a few black and white outfits. Would it be weird if I brought a black and white Kimono?*

A chance to see Matthew in a kimono? Please yes.

**Oh my gosh please do. I would love to take pictures of you in an infamous kimono of yours.**

*Awesome! I will see you tomorrow at 1. Heres my managers info for you to sell the billing to.*

He attatched his managers email. I just sat at my kitchens island, smiling like a true dork at my phone.

**And here is my address, I run the studio at my house. What is your favorite cake and icing by the way? :)**

Was a smiley face unprofessional?

I need to chill out.

*Vanilla cake and chocolate frosting possibly? I will eat anything though probably. :)*

Now I was really smiling at my phone like a psycho idiot.

**Alrighty, see you tomorrow**

Since I didn't want to wake up too early tomorrow, I decided I was going to start the cake tonight. I had quite a few recipes held in my cabinets. I located my vanilla cake recipe and put my pre-made chocolate frosting on the counter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After about an hour of preparing, making a cake from scratch, and putting it in the oven. The cake was finally done and cooled. I added black cocoa to the frosting to make it completely black and got out my white gel.

*You made it 3 decades :)*

Was scrawled in calligraphy on the top of the cylindrical cake. I added white drips down the sides and white multi shaped sprinkles to the bottom part.

I set it in my fridge and got ready for bed. I know it's going to be hard to sleep just thinking about tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My alarm woke me up at 10 am, never before this had I woke up with a smile on my face before 12.

I took a quick shower and dressed in a white and blue floral romper with my hair in a high ponytail. Now it was time to set up backgrounds for the shoot.

I had two stations downstairs where I took all my photos. I set the first one up very normal with a white background and a rustic black stool. The second one was set up with another white background but littered with black streamers and big *30* black and white speckled balloons strung at the top.

Once I was done with all that. It was nearing 1. I slipped the cake out of the fridge and slid it onto my island. I glanced up at the clock above my stove.

*12:49*

Since I just had a little bit of time, I went a put some simple makeup on. I usually don't wear makeup when taking pictures of people, but for obvious reasons, I was making an exception.

Just as I was leaving my bathroom I heard a knock at my door. I walked swiftly to my door and opened it shakily.

"Hi!" He held up the clothes that were hung lazily over his arm. He smiled that million dollar smile and I could have sworn he looked me up and down.

Wishful thinking I guess.

"Welcome!" I stepped out of the doorway, silently inviting him in. "If you wanna set your stuff down, those stairs to the right lead you down the the studio."

"Thanks." He scurried down the stairs as I grabbed the cake and followed him down. I set it on a table that I had down there, he peered over at it and immediately burst into fits of laughter.

"I knew you had a sense of humor, so why put something normal and boring on the cake." I laughed with him as he tried to catch his breath.

"This is so perfect." He laughed a little more. "Thank you, so much." I shrugged with a smile. I posed him in front of the streamers with the cake.

He made some silly faces and smiled like there was no tomorrow. Next I brought him to the more plain station, sitting him on the stool. I looked through the lenses of the camera and glared a bit.

"Hey can you put your left leg up on the second peg of the stool?" I asked, pointing to his leg.

"This one?" He put it on the third. I shook my head. "This one?" He moved it down the the fourth. He was smiling a sly smile, seemingly challenging me.

"Let me do it for you." I had to pose people often, but posing him was going to be a little harder for me, considering I found him painfully attractive.

I moved his leg up to the second one and patted it.

"Now leave it there, so I don't have to help you again." I giggled, walking back to my camera. Taking a picture of him leaning forward on the stool and smiling. I then made him laugh and got a good genuine one of him leaning back and laughing. After all that, I proposed that we eat some cake and took a break.

I cut him a slice and handed it to him with a smile.

"So, tell me about yourself." He said, eating a bite of his cake.

"Well, I have always enjoyed photography. I love all types of art, so I also draw and paint often. And I have a black cat upstairs. His name is-" and I stopped, blood rushing to my cheeks. He is most certainly going to ask me the name, and I do not want to tell him.

He stared at me expectantly. "What is his name?" He motioned me to go on.

"Uh," I laughed a little awkwardly, setting my hands in my lap and staring at them. "His name is Spencer. As in Spencer Reid..." I glanced up at him and saw a huge grin break out on his face.

"So you like Criminal Minds? I never would have guessed. You just don't seem the type."

"Well all my memorabilia is in my room, just so people don't think I'm weird for having quite a few framed and signed posters." I smiled up at him, pushing around the remaining cake crumbs on my plate.

"One, That's not weird, that's awesome. Two, can I please meet Spencer and take pictures with him in my kimono."

I don't think I have ever heard a better sentence in my entire life.

"Yes, absolutely! I'll go get him." I clunked up the stairs on my search to find Spencer. I went to his usual spot first, my bed. Luckily he was sitting there, licking his outstretched foot. "Hi baby! You are about to take pictures with the guy you are named after. He almost as cute as you!" I grabbed him from the bed an headed back downstairs. I walked in with the accidental impeccable timing to see Matthew in his barely tied kimono, showing off his chest. My eyes widened a bit and he tied it off fully.

"Is this the famous Spencer?! He is so cute!" He reached his arms out at Spencer. My little fluff ball curled up into him instantly, cuddling into his silky kimono.

We took many many pictures of Spencer and Matthew together. I think maybe my cat likes him more than he likes me now.

"Okay, last idea. How about we just take some more up close pictures of me feeding you some cake?" It came put as a question because I didn't know how comfortable he would be with it.

"Perfect!" I cut another slice of the cake and brought it over to him. We were both sitting on the floor.

"This might be a little awkward, okay?" I giggled as I leaned back to get his whole face in the shot. This proved to be very difficult as I was using my left hand to take the picture. I fed him the cake with the right as he looked at the camera with a more seductive look. I could have melted into the floor.

I decided to switch hands so I could take the photos better, but now my very uncoordinated hand was the one picking up the cake. As I went down to get another section of the cake for another angle of feeding this sculpture of a man, I instead dipped my thumb right into the deep black frosting.

"Shit, I'm so sorry hold on." As I went to stand up and grab a napkin to wipe my thumb off, Matthew grabbed my wrist lightly.

"Hold on, uh, I have an idea, before you do anything." I sat down with a confused look. "I saw someone do this in another shoot. But we totally don't have to do it. I just thought it would be a different idea." His words were more rushed than usual.

"I'm sure I've done weirder things for other shoots, don't worry. It's *your* shoot." I reassured him, though my head was swimming wondering what he was going to do.

"Ok. So. What I'm going to do is put your thumb in my mouth, and I'm basically gonna, uh, suck on it while kinda smiling?" He could barely get through the whole thing without laughing.

"Alright, weird request but I like it!" I giggled for what seemed like the 30th time today. "And to make you feel better, yes, I have done weirder."

"Thank God."

"So I am guessing you want me to do something like this with the rest of my hand, ya know, the part that's not in your mouth." I stated as I placed my hand on his cheek. He let a slow breath out, staring into my eyes.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Okay." I said with a shrug, grabbing my camera from the ground. He opened his mouth with an all too familiar wide grin as I placed my thumb in. His mouth closed around it and he smiled, just a little. I brought my camera to my face, capturing the moment that I would have forever in my mind and in a small frame on my bedroom wall, for sure.

I slipped my thumb from his mouth and watched as his face turned extremely red. To save him embarrassment, I immediately stood up and grabbed a napkin to wipe the rest of the frosting off.

"Can I see it?" He motioned to the camera. I nodded, sitting down right beside him, showing him the picture. It showed off a closer look at the rose tattoos I had near my wrists and the shiny watch that was gifted to me by my mom. "It turned out good! I really hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"Oh no! Of course not. Total opposite." As soon as I said that I regretted it.

"So that made you extremely comfortable?" A sly smile was making it's way onto his face.

"That's, that's not- You know what? Sure, yes." I chuckled. "You don't really make me uncomfortable at all to be honest. So no, you didn't make me uncomfortable."

"Well I'm glad." He smiled and we sat in silence for a moment.

"Well I guess that's it yeah?" He nodded. "Well this was fun. Thanks for being an excellent subject to take pictures of."

He gathered his stuff as we went back upstairs. Once at the door, Spencer came up to him, rubbing on his leg. He bent over to pet him.

"So, I'm not sure if you are single or not." I could feel the blood draining from my face. Was this really happening right now? "But I wanted to know if you wanted to go on a date?"

Yes, this was happening right now.

"Really?" I could tell I sounded extremely excited, but at this point, I didn't even care.

"Yeah, you are super laid back, funny, talented, and you aren't scared away by how weird I am." He laughed, "So yes?"

"I would absolutely love to."

"Great. I'll text you." He winked and waved as he closed the door, leaving.

My back went against the door. I couldn't keep in the squeal so I just embraced it and squealed my heart out, doing a little dance.

Which was quickly ended when I heard a knock at the door.

"I'm sorry, I want to get to know you better immediately." He let out a nervous chuckle. "Are you free for the rest of the day?" I was sure that my face was red as a tomato.

"Yes I am." He grabbed my hand, dragging me outside.

"Then let's go."

[rogue-ai-cat]

I just had like a full force PTSD flashback to that one time a jug fell from the top of the fridge and broke my mum's coffee cup that my great uncle, who was very dear to us, gave her.

And I was the one who put the jug up there.

So yeah, that's the caliber of thing it takes to traumatize me permanently.

Actually, a lot of them are times my parents broke things. I've lost and broken my own things, even things I cared about, but I don't remember them. What keeps me up at night is when my father through a phone (at the time quite a large heavy dense nearly indestructible item) at the ground and shattered it. I remember when he broke a watch. I remember when he broke his car. I remember when he threw my mother's favorite ornament into the screen of the TV, shattering both. I remembered people being so angry. I guess I only just realized that it rarely had anything to do with the stuff.

I've always been terrified of loving anything so much as to be as destraut if those things were taken from me. I lived in a world where I believed that shit in the house meant more to my parents than I did. I know that wasn't true, but it still feels that way sometimes. I want nothing to do with anything I could possibly love. People, frequently included. Me, often included. Love was filled with fear and grief before I ever knew the words for those things.

But I get it now.

I, despite my best efforts, have a favorite stove burner. I also have a chair I don't let anyone sit in. It's actually slightly more important to me than my bed, which is weird, but it's because I spent my money on that chair. Kid me would be baffled by that last sentence. I would be devastated if I dropped my phone and it didn't bounce back unscathed as I've come to expect. Yes, I can get a new one. Thanks to the cloud, I wouldn't even lose any data. Not even videogame scores. But I would be devastated. And I would continue to be devastated for about two minutes and then I'd be mostly over it, pausing to lament it's absence a handful of times a day u til it's replacement arrived. And that would be all. It would be a better phone and I'd have a cool new toy to play with and free dopamine and all would be well. Old phone and it's tragic demise blissfully forgotten. Almost everything I own I can get back. But it was never about getting it back. It's about losing it.

Like my parents in that fight, for thirty seconds I would be angry, and then I would be devastated because what I do when I'm angry I WILL regret. And what they do when they're angry is what traumatized me when I was a kid. And it had nothing to do with the item itself. It's just how we react to loss. I don't know why. I don't understand it. It is beyond my control. I cannot chose what I fall in love with and I cannot choose what I lose.

Now of course, I'm looking around me at all the things I can't bare to lose. It's not a lot, but it feels like too many. And not enough.

[netflxaddict]

Vandalism

Summary: You're a cop, he's the co-owner of a local locksmith shop. A sudden rash of break-ins keeps bringing you to his store.

Word count: 1,6K

Pairing: Wolfgang Bogdanow x fem!reader

Warnings: none

Author's Note: This is my first fanfic so please be kind :') feedback is welcome!

You had arrived at the crime scene fifteen minutes after the call was made. It was early in the morning and the whole rest of the city was just slowly starting to wake up.

"You said nothing was taken," Vilmar stated as he flipped through his notebook to find an empty page. He was your overly protective middle-aged partner. Short, round and balding — the manifestation of every lazy cop of every comedy ever. He loved taking notes, even though the pad mostly consisted of random doodles he made during breaks.

The owner, a lanky 20-something named Felix Berner, nodded, "That's right, officer." He was standing behind the counter, carefully watching you both as you wandered around the shop.

"What do you think, Y/L/N?" Vilmar asked. You hadn't said a word since you had entered the building.

"Vandalism."

"Vandalism?"

"There have been a few similar cases in the neighborhood," you explained, "smashed windows, graffiti on the pavement, no signs of robbery…"

Suddenly the shattered door blew open, and a man stepped inside. He was about the same height as Felix but much sturdier. Short, dirty blonde hair, a stubble lining his strong, ridiculously well-defined jaw, and eyes of that beautifully common shade of blue.

Dressed in all-black, wearing that mysteriously grim yet compelling expression, he stirred up your interest. You watched as he walked towards the counter with firm, vigorous steps, and a smell of his musky cologne mixed with sweat and tobacco floated through your nose.

"Excuse me." Vilmar's voice yanked you out of your head and you cleared your throat, embarrassed. "Who are you?"

"This is Wolfgang," Felix introduced, "he's the co-owner of this shop but most importantly, my very best friend."

"So did they take anything?" Wolfgang asked, completely ignoring you and Vilmar, making you feel invisible.

"Nothing."

Wolfgang fell quiet for a second. He looked around, his brows slightly frowning.

"Vandals," he then said.

You twitched at the word and turned your gaze at him. "How can you tell?"

"The windows were smashed but nothing was taken? Probably just some bored kids looking to get in trouble," he said, playing with his car keys. Then he raised his head and your eyes were finally met with his downturned ones. "Seems quite obvious, don't you think, officer?"

You felt your cheeks redden. What was it about this sullen man that made you feel so shamefully desperate?

"We're sorry about your windows, but there isn't really anything we can do," Vilmar interrupted your thoughts once again.

"What about us? Is there anything we can do?"

"Surveillance camera," you and Wolfgang replied simultaneously.

You glanced at each other. He smiled.

"We'll get one," Felix said, "thank you."

Vilmar bobbed his head and stuffed his notepad to his pocket. "Let's go, Y/L/N."

You waited until he had returned to the car, and dug out your business card, something you had never done before. You handed it to Felix.

"If you see or hear anything suspicious, give me a call."

Even though you were dying to, you didn't turn to give Wolfgang one final look. He didn't need to know how crazy he had made you — especially since to him you had been just another bulle.

* * *

A week later you and Vilmar were sitting in the car parked outside your favorite coffee shop when his radio crackled. There had been another attack at Felix's shop.

"Time to see your boyfriend," Vilmar smiled as you started the car.

"Don't even," you huffed. Ever since he had found out you gave Felix your number, Vilmar hadn't shut up about it. Of course you had wanted to tell him that the number wasn't really so much for Felix as it was for Wolfgang, but what difference would it have made, really? No one had called and now you had to go back there looking like a fool.

This time, the door lock had been picked open but again, nothing was taken.

You were suspicious. It seemed unrealistic that the vandal — quite possibly a rebellious youngster as Wolfgang had suggested — would’ve gone through all that trouble just for the fun of it. Or that they would’ve even had the skills to do so. Something didn’t add up.

“I see you didn’t invest in those surveillance cameras like we suggested,” you said.

“Didn’t think they’d be stupid enough to come back.” Wolfgang shrugged.

He was sitting on the counter scrupulously examining every inch of your tensed up body, biting his lower lip. You couldn't tell if he was judging you or just admiring your figure. Whatever it was, it made you uneasy. Not uncomfortable or exposed — not in the bad sense anyway.

You swallowed hard. The things you would’ve done if this had been just another one of your wildest fantasies...

“So you think the perpetrator was the same as before?” Vilmar too sounded skeptical as he read from his notes from your previous visit. “'Some bored kids looking to get in trouble'?”

Wolfgang sighed and hopped off the desk. “That’s just my opinion. You’re the detectives here.”

“Well, without the surveillance footage we’re pretty much in the same situation than the last time,” you snorted, “but if the same person really is behind this, it’s very likely they’ll strike again.”

“Copy that, officer.”

You rolled your eyes. “Where’s your friend?”

“Damsel in distress,” he grinned. “Wanna leave him a message? He loves to hear from serious, sexy women."

The compliment caught you off guard. All this time you had thought he was making fun of you, and now he was calling you sexy? Or was that just something Felix had said? Or was it just another joke? You took a deep breath. The man really was impossible to read.

"You can tell him to give us a call if this happens again. He knows the number," you said, "and get the damn cameras. I wanna catch those brats."

* * *

When you hadn't heard from either Felix or Wolfgang for another week, you thought they'd finally been left alone. A part of you was disappointed. It wasn’t as if you'd been hoping for some miraculous happy ending, but nothing? You felt betrayed. 

Then, two and a half weeks after the first attack, a phone call came.

"Y/N," you answered.

"Is this the sexy cop?" It was Wolfgang. You felt your heart somersault in your chest.

"Was there another attack?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Come see for yourself." Then he hung up.

You stared at your phone, abashed. If any other person had been as mysterious, you would've just simply ignored them. You didn't have time for games. And more importantly, you didn't have the energy.

As you got in the car, you cursed the day you met Wolfgang Bogdanow.

You hadn't told him it was your day-off. Partly because you didn't think it was important, but mostly because you hadn't wanted him to stop you from coming. This could've been your only opportunity to show him this side of yourself; bold and sexy with a dress shorter than it had a right to be and heels higher than a cop should've been wearing — there was no way you were going to waste it.

Once you had arrived, you noticed the smashed door window. Weird, you thought, starting to wonder if the perpetrator really had been the same each time after all.

Feeling nonplussed, you walked inside, your heels clopping softly against the floor. Wolfgang was waiting for you by the door.

"Hello, officer," he said with a smirk. "That's one hell of a uniform."

You didn't want to let him know what his words really did to you, so you just looked around. You were alone.

"Let me guess, they didn't steal anything."

"You're right. But this time we caught him on tape."

"Did you recognize him?" You were surprised, to say the least. You had been waiting for some unexpected turn of events but apparently, the case was solved.

"Oh, I've known him for years."

"Mind if I see it?"

He shook his head and led you to the backroom. He sat down on the desk chair and logged in to the computer.

You leaned in — just to get a better look, you told yourself. He didn’t seem to mind so you let yourself relax. The overwhelming smell of cologne and cigarettes took over your brain like a disease, and you had to grab a hold of the desk for support.

"Here it is."

Wolfgang had rewound the tape to last night — to precisely 10.36 p.m., according to the time stamp on the bottom left corner. He pressed play.

A man in a black leather jacket approached the shop. Just outside the door he finally stopped, glanced quickly around and threw the brick in his hand through the window. You squinted your eyes, trying to memorize as many details as possible. He was blonde, average-height, robust. At least on his late 20s—

Suddenly the man turned his gaze directly to the camera. Your eyes widened. 

"I-I don't understand."

Wolfgang was staring straight at you from the computer screen with a wide grin on his face.

"Well, I had to do something to get your attention, didn't I?"

"So you... smashed the window to get my attention?"

"I thought you would've suspected something when the door was picked open, but when you didn't..."

You couldn't believe it. It was crazy. He was crazy. It was by far the stupidest, most ridiculous, sexy thing anyone had ever done for you.

"You know, I could arrest you for this," you finally said.

He looked up at you and, not missing a beat, replied, "Then cuff me, officer."

[lbat1901]

Rantception S1•E1 - princeofmints exposed | ft. TatSquirp

(I am about a month late on posting this here)

Welcome to the first episode of my brand new series titled Rantception where I talk about a topic or some unfortunate soul who became a total jerk as of recently. I am starting this series off by talking about the user by the name of princeofmints.

princeofmints is apart of the Eddsworld community and they are apart of the official EW Amino, Tumblr, and Instagram. Unfortunately princeofmints is in some hot water right now.

Oh and before I get to that, I just want to make this clear, the princeofmints that I am referring to isn't the one who made tomtord p*rn. This princeofmints is actually accused of tracing and being a total d*ck.

Also they got banned from Amino, but they are still going strong on both Tumblr and Instagram.

One more thing: don't harass them. Instead I want you to stop supporting them. Don't not praise them.

With that out the way, let's get into the news.

I unfortunately didn't know any of this drama that happened till seeing callout posts about it. But I used to like princeofmints's posts until what happened recently.

I decided to to take a look at their wall after seeing a few callout posts on them before they got taken down.

Annnnnd yeah.....they are such an arsehole. Just...just look at these screenshots....

(the third one is my favorite in terms of arsehole energy that's being radiated from it)

I'll be honest with you, the third is the one that show the bitterness of princeofmints. Trying to guilt trip you. I'm sorry to say this, but it's not working. Nice try.

Now I'll handing the rest of this over to the one and only Squirp/TatSquirp who've agreed to be on the show and I certainly didn't kidnap them.

Squirp: ...Why am I here? Why am I tied u-

Lbat1901(me): Shhhh! Just give the audience your side on this

Squirp: Ok, fine...*clears throat*....so a week ago, I've made a callout post exposing princeofmints titled "Dethroning a Prince". It took me awhile to everything and not too soon after posting it on Animo, I've also posted it on Instagram.

Oh boy...it got taken down. No actually I got told by a model on Animo to take it down which I did while on Instagram it got flagged for harassment. I eventually reposted it.

princeofmints (or what I like to call her, Prince) is a 15 year old artist who mostly draws Tom, Tord, and the ship TomTord. She was on the EW Amino since January 13th of this year before getting banned. S

Alright with that out of the way, I'll try to make this brief

She also has been known to cause quite the trouble.

I have been caught up to speed on what Prince has done even learning th as t she had actually scammed someone.

I believe that Lbat told you this already, but Prince's name was stolen by someone who has the same name, but let's dwell on this.

Part 1 - Tracing:

Squirp: Ok so, a few days ago some of my friends and I looked at one of Prince's art and discovered that it was traced from an already existing drawing made by P-Nim. Of course Prince denied this and claimed that it was her own art.

Ok I'll make this clear, Prince didn't draw it for a DTIYS. If Prince didn't trace it then she shouldn't be claiming it as her own.

Also if you want to compare posts or have a look for yourself, you can't cause she deleted it. So much for being reasonable which goes into this next part....

Part 2 - Blocking those who've cornered you for being unreasonable:

Squirp: Oh yes, just like TBATF, Prince also blocks people for calling her out. Unlike TBATF who only block people for giving them criticism and calling them out on their behavior, Prince blocks people for many reasons.

One of them being totally unreasonable. She blocked one of my friends who called her out for tracing. Prince even deleted several comments when trying to defend herself for being called out before deciding to hit the block button.

She even blocked me after I tried to call her out on her wall. I did PM her a few days later about and guess what her response was. The reason why she blocked me was because she didn't like me.

My god....that has to be most stupidest as all hell reason to block someone and folks, we're on the second part on this and things are already getting heated.

Part 3 - Being a b*ch isn't all that cool:

Squirp: Hold on a minute, why is b*ch censored?

(Editor: that's because it's Lbat's show and I am meant to help with anything that Lbat puts out for everyone to see)

Squirp: Yeah, but why? Who cares anyway?

(Editor: well you're probably have a point, but it's my job. Now are you going to continue to argue or are you going to keep going with your side of the story?)

Squirp: I am...geez! I've never meant an editor that's who picky. This isn't YouTube with the whole COPPA thing you know.

Anyway..... pt 3....Prince has to be one of the biggest d*cks that I have ever talked to and- oh my god, why would you censor the word- forget it. Forget it...

Erm...yeah....she cursed at some many people that it's just mindboggling. She's not the most pleasant person to talk to on Amino or anywhere else.

Before you say that she probably has some mental health issues, don't even bother. Well I know she does has some issues, but it doesn't give her the excuse to not be a total d*ck. People who do have issues are at least well spoken and are respectful to others.

But Prince on the other hand, not a freaking single chance.

Part 4 - Stop acting sad:

Squirp: You're probably thinking to yourself, "Wow, Prince is a jerk" and you'd be right. But to make matters worse, she likes to guilt trip people.

How? Well she tries to make you feel sorry for her by giving you a sad sad tale before deciding to cuss you out.

That's right, it's pretty low for her. I don't need to explain why this is bad just because it is. It's really scummy especially when she's in the wrong here. Next!

Part 5 - Don't let Prince do commissions. EVER:

Oh yeah, she actually did this. I did found the person who got scammed and they are a person known as BadBoy.

You see BadBoy commissioned Prince to do a drawing for 92 coins. Unfortunately for BadBoy, Prince said that the price was actually lower than that. But it gets much much worse than that.

Prince got wicked with them and refused to give other pieces of art to BadBoy. Eventually BadBoy had enough and asked for a refund. That's when things started to escalate really fast.

Prince told BadBoy to piss off. After a long battle, Prince gave BadBoy 72 coins back when BadBoy asked for a full refund.

Squirp: I have been saving this part for last and it gave me a reason to make a callout on Prince in the first place. She literally scammed someone over 72 coins.

In summary, Prince just stole BadBoy's money and was a total d*ck towards them.

And that should do it for now, but I one final message to Prince. If you're reading this now while getting harassed for being callout for your crap: none of this, and I stress this a lot, none of this wouldn't have happened if you were to just act a tad bit kinder and a whole bit wiser.

Oh and maybe if you would've just listened. Also running away from your problems, lying, and pretending that they didn't happen makes you look like the bad guy here.

You know, I wouldn't mind you being on Animo at all if you just shallow your pride and try to do better by apologizing to everyone.

I didn't mean to make my callout post to hurt you in a way. In fact, I still believe that you can change. But atlas, your problems need to be addressed to make that happen.

All you need to do is try. That's it. That's all I ask for.

Lbat1901(me): *claps* Nicely done, Squirp. Nicely done.

Squirp: Thanks Lbat. It's been a pleasure being on here. Now can I go home now?

Lbat1901(me): Uhh.....*walks away from Squirp and walks out of the room before shutting the door*

Squirp: Lbat? Uh Lbat? Lbat? This isn't funny! Untie me! Hey cameraman, you're still here. Untie me, please

Camraman: *shrugs before shaking their head*

Squirp: What do you mean no? Ugh!

{screen cuts to Lbat sitting in a chair}

Lbat1901(me): Well that's the end of the first episode of Rantception. I want to thank TatSquirp for coming on and helping me out. Please check them out on the EW Amino and possibly their Instagram as well while you're at it.

[midnightswithdearkatytspb]

Better Than This: Your Song (Sebastian Stan x Musician! Reader)

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader

Rating: PG

Warning(s): Fluff

Word Count: 1222 (Including Lyrics)

Info: This is day 4 of 7 writing drabbles based off of songs that reminded me of my Mum. Bey @coffeebucko and Lily make an appearance!

Synopsis: It’s a pretty rough time of the year for siblings Y/N and Bey, but they have an amazing support system who do everything they can to make them happy. Even if it sometimes includes random musical moments and tap dancing shoes.

Day 4 - Your Song | Elton John

The SoHo café was bustling with people coming and going, enjoying the Thursday sunny weather, before the weekend hit. Fragrances of coffee, teas, baked goods, and fresh fruit clung to the air, as Y/N listened to a story Lizzie told her and Bey. Lizzie’s hands moved in big motion making the smoothie from the bowl the three of them shared go flying in the air, making the group cackle.

“It’s so fluffy, I’m gonna die!” Bey picked their cellphone up and looked at the screen, then smiled fondly. Lizzie looked at Y/N eyebrow raised, Y/N just smirked and took a sip of her coffee. Seeing her sibling so happy meant so much, especially after how life had treated Bey in the past few years, seeing them happy was great.

“Rue, would it be okay if I went and hung out with Lily? We can finish getting the rest of my back to school clothing.” looking hopeful at their older sister Bey smiled at Y/N, who bit her lip before she reached for her wallet. Opening it Y/N pulled a credit card out and slipped it across the table over to Bey.

“Use Sebastian’s card, don’t spend too much though. Text me once in a while.” Bey jumped from their seat kissing Y/N on the cheek followed by waving goodbye to Lizzie, making the older woman laugh. Once Bey was gone Lizzie reached over grabbing her friend's hand and gave it a loving squeeze.

“Let’s go get our nails done and you can tell me about the proposal, catch me up on how you really are doing.” Y/N followed after Lizzie getting up from their table, grabbing Bey’s and her shopping bags that they had accumulated that morning. It felt good to have a friend like Lizzie.

Y/N had just gotten a gel manicure done seeing as she still had to play her violin and having acrylics scratch against the delicate strings just wasn't an option. She has remembered once saying he loved the matte natural look on them, so she had gone with that and forest green on her toes. After splitting ways with Lizzie promises to get together at yoga next week she had finally made it back to hers and Sebastian’s shared apartment exhausted.

Throwing Bey’s bag by the front door and hanging up her purse on the hook behind the door, Y/N was taken by surprise when she looked into the living. Their apartment was covered in sunflowers on every sturdy surface it seemed. Walking more into the apartment the fragrance making her smile she found Ellie had a sunflower pinned to her collar.

The sound of piano playing from her music room pulled Y/N from her thoughts. Cerberus and Ellie followed her down the hall where the found Sebastian sitting at the piano surrounded by even more sunflowers, the opening notes to one of her mother's favorite songs caught her attention.

“It's a little bit funny this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide. I

Don't have much money but boy if I did

I'd buy a big house where we both could live.”

Sebastian was singing, he was actually singing to her and he never did that. He would maybe hum here and there, but he was sitting at her piano playing it while singing one of her favorites.

“If I was a sculptor, but then again no.

Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show.

Oh I know it's not much but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song,

And this one's for you.”

Slowly Y/N found her feet leading bed closer and closer to the piano bench.

“And you can tell everybody this is your song.

It may be quite simple but now that it's done.

I hope you don't mind,

I hope you don't mind,

That I put down in words,

How wonderful life is while you're in the world.”

Y/N sat beside Sebastian on the piano bench, her back facing the piano bench where she could see the sun coming in shining on the sunflowers that littered the music room. Sebastian continued to play.

“I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss

Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross

But the sun's been quite kind

While I wrote this song

It's for people like you that

Keep it turned on.”

Sebastian bumped his shoulder in Y/N getting her to look into his eyes as he sang.

“So excuse me forgetting

But these things I do

You see I've forgotten

If they're green or they're blue

Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.”

Y/N found herself smiling as she too started to sing though if she were honest, Sebastian had the better voice perhaps.

“And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple but

Now that it's done

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world.”

Towards the end, Y/N laid her head on Sebastian’s shoulder making her fiance miss a note on keys, causing her to laugh. Sebastian smiled looking down at Y/N kissing the top of her head, making her smile more if it were even possible. He had been spending months learning how to play that song after she told him her mother used to sing her this song as a lullaby.

“Lily, I think we just walked in on a musical.” Bey stood in the doorway to the music room with their girlfriend by their side. They had matching smirks on their faces while they started at the couple. Sebastian turned his body around so now both he and Y/N were facing the same direction, his face going red from blushing.

“Dude if we are, I totally forgot my tap shoes.” Lily pretended to look forlorn at the thought but making Sebastian rolled his eyes with a smile.

“It's cool, you can borrow mine, they should fit.” Bey grabbed Lily, pulling them toward their room, leaving Y/N and Sebastian along once again.

“Thank you, thank you for the flowers, thank you for remembering the song and singing it to me and most of all thank you for choosing to spend the rest of your life with me.” Y/N looked down at left and Sebastian’s right hands, her engagement ring shining late afternoon sun that was poking through the drapes. Sebastian kissed her temple again and whispered I love you.

“No it’s me who should be thanking you, you are always there to pick me up when I’m down. You don’t ask for much. I’m the luckiest guy Y/N, I know that and when you walk down the aisle, I know it’s going to be the best day of my life.” removing his hand from hers he took it and wrapped his right arm around her body, pulling her even more closer to him, basking in their love.

[benofie]

6 Celebs I Find Sexy

Rules: pretty basic really, choose 6 smokin celebs and let us know who makes your hot list! (Tagged by @skyshipper )

So here's my thing, I tend to be a fairly monogamous crusher... I tend to fixate hard on one celebrity at a time rather than several at once. And whoever I am fixated on, I CONSUME anything they have ever done that I can get my grubby hands on.

So, at the moment, my one and only is my #1 pick. So I dug into my past intense celeb crushes to fill out the other five. I have ordered them by level of crush intensity at the time...

#6 Benedict Cumberbatch

I was a devoted Cumberbitch/Cumberbabe for a very intense several months after discovering Sherlock. It was a rare instance of me actually being into the "It" man at the time. The Cumber-fascination creeps up on you slowly and then suddenly you realize this man is practically perfect in every way and all other men pale in comparison. He's quite handsome, charming, and undeniably talented as fuck. My Cumber-crush seemed to fizzle after a few months, though, which is why I rank him last. I'm still a huge fan of his work, of course 😊

#5 Charlie Day

Charlie-fucking-Day! He is adorable, hilarious, and more fucking talented than most people realize. He is a bonafide musician in addition to being one of the brilliant comedic geniuses behind It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And if you've never seen his Commencement speech at Merrimack College (his alma mater), do yourself a favor and check it out. It will blow your mind.

#4 James McAvoy

I've been in love with this man ever since he charmed and bewitched me in Becoming Jane. Another gorgeous, charming as hell, and talented as fuck man. He astounds me in everything I see him in and catching him in an interview is downright panty dropping... As exemplified in this interview with another favorite man of mine (though not a full-on crush), Craig Ferguson. The vortex of Scottish charm is a real thing...

#3 Nick Stahl

This one takes me back to over a decade ago... I had a quite lengthy, very intense, love for this man after becoming quite obsessed with the HBO show, Carnivale. In fact, he makes up the "ben" half of my "benofie" handle which I still use across most social media today! Ben and Sofie were an intense ship/obsession of mine 10+ years ago. Nick was adorable as Ben on Carnivale, super hot as John Connor in Terminator 3, and really showed off his acting range when he played the terrifying Yellow Bastard in Sin City. That trifecta did me in and I was IN LOVE for quite some time. He's had a rough last few years in his real life but I'm hopeful he will stay strong and come back to serious acting soon.

Ben Hawkins:

#2 Tim Roth

This was a biggie for me. Spanning years, distance traveled, deep life devotion on this one. He's an unconventional heartthrob, I know, but I started crushing hard on this guy back when my brother forced me to watch Reservoir Dogs and Four Rooms back to back. I can't quite explain it, I can't put my finger on why, but this man does it for me. I think there is just a sexiness in his mystique and gravitas on screen. He's an excellent actor even though he's never really become a huge star and has mostly been typecast in villain roles. My obsession with Tim Roth was probably the most intense of my life. I went to great expense to obtain every single film in his filmography, if it was possible. There is still a film he apparently made in Africa I've never seen, but if it's at all obtainable, I've seen it. I made friends online who shared the same obsession with him and we all met in Chicago 10+ years ago and had the time of our lives. I even made a treck to NYC to see Tim Roth in a play and yes, I was lucky enough to meet him afterwards and have an actually AMAZING encounter/conversation with him! It remains the single, best moment of my life to date. 😊

#1 Max Minghella

The #1 man in my life at the moment who has gotten under my skin, consumes most of my waking thoughts, and makes me percolate daily... the one and only Max Minghella. A rare departure for me to crush on a bonafide pretty boy 😍 I am not sure if it was his beauty or talent or charisma or undeniable magnetism and off-the-charts on-screen chemistry with equally-talented Lizzie Moss on The Handmaid's Tale, or a combination of all of the above... but this man has taken a firm hold over me and is currently my life obsession. Along with the Nick and June relationship on aforementioned TV show. As with every crush mentioned above, I have devoured everything I can find that this man has either acted in or appeared on. I have loved him in everything and his range is quite impressive. My only complaint is there isn't more of it. He oozes sex appeal and star power. I want to see him be the next "It" man in Hollywood because I think he deserves to be. Oh, did I mention he also writes and directs? I am completely and hopelessly devoted, mind, heart, and soul... 😍😍😍

I mean, come on...

[NOTE: Not my GIF. Unsure of credit on this. If you recognize it as yours, please comment so I can give you credit 😊]

I am not sure who may have already done this and I don't have many I can tag so I will tag @dcgal814 and @supermessgirl

If you've already blogged on this, maybe you can just reblog and tag me 😊

[laughingpinecone]

Source: http://twinpeaksthegiftedandthedamned.libsyn.com/grace-zabriskie-interview-twin-peaks-double-r-diner-pop-up

Q: One of the scariest scenes for me was when Hawk comes to visit you at the door. Do you know what that noise was in the kitchen, and are you allowed to say?

Grace Zabriskie: I'm not, but I don't. I mean, I sort of do. I know the type of thing that it was. You know, and so do you.

Q: Well...

Grace Zabriskie: Evil's in there! [...] that's my favorite scene, by the way.

Q: With Hawk? Why was that your favorite scene?

Grace Zabriskie: What I live for is doing something that I've never seen done on screen before. ...as actors, we have to be very happy with very small things. So, it could be just a flash. In this case, it was a little bit more than just a flash, and basically, it was the following state: someone is in terrible, terrible trouble. Someone meaning very well says he hopes that you're fine, he wants to be told if you need anything. And even though you are letting him know, if he's paying attention, that you're not okay, and you desperately need help, and there's some goddamn thing in the other room for God's sake, and he doesn't (?) to it, he chooses not to, he stays in the good guy, "just let me know if there's anything I can do for you", he couldn't be more sweet and hopeful and all of that, but I get to look at him with the face of someone who knows that I am really, really on my own. No-one can help me. And I look at him with that terrible face. The first time I saw it, I thought that take lasted seventeen minutes. The second time I realized, no, it really didn't last very long at all, but I thought, that face that I made when I was looking up at him, you know-

Q: Hoping that he might do something-

Grace Zabriskie: No, I'm not hoping. I know better than to hope. No-one can help me, I know that, but here is someone that I go way back with, who never bothered with me much in all these years, but here he is and he's heard that I was cuckoo at the grocery or whatever and so he's coming by to check on me. And I am... so clearly not okay, and he's... dealing with that as people... do. And I kind of... I think I wanted that scene to be about when people are in terrible trouble and the people are doing what he's doing.

Q: Which is...

Grace Zabriskie: Which is meaning well but not wanting to get involved. Not really able to help, not really wanting to be able to help. Not really. Not really. And not even acknowledging that, not even to himself.

Q: Right. A scene like that, which is at once terrifying and heartbreaking, and then you see the same character [...] talk to the Log Lady. In Sarah's mind, do you think it would be more of the same from Hawk, like he's kind of helping but he's not helping enough?

Grace Zabriskie: It was a little bit, now that you mention it. It was a little bit. She was at the end of her life and she knew it, but she wasn't crazier than she's ever been, or anything like that. So she wasn't really expecting anything. But there are similarities, I guess. Except that she had no reason to resent that. Whereas my character did.

[...]

Q: When you're at the bar and it feels like... was /that/ what was in the kitchen? In the back, was it a tulpa or a doppelganger that was at the bar, or was that in Sarah all along?

Grace Zabriskie: What do you think

Q: I... go back and forth on this quite a bit. And I don't feel that if that was Sarah all along, that anything would've happened to Laura. But I can see-

Grace Zabriskie: ...if WHAT was Sarah all along

Q: The... being that... opened up your... face. and... we see...

Grace Zabriskie: THEN nothing would have happened to Laura?

Q: I think that being would have taken care of Leland, BOB... very quickly. And very easily.

Grace Zabriskie: I... ...see. Well... yes, I don't think that was in Sarah all along, I think Sarah's background - and this is just what I think - is that there is a little bit of a psychic in her. And there always was.

Q: In terms of the visions of the white horse, and...

Grace Zabriskie: Just knowing, knowing immediately. That something had happened to Laura. It's there from the very, very beginning, that something's going on. And it's... there are lots of versions of that, instances of that.

Q: For me, I felt there was a... several people who have similar types of visions, or an instinct that don't open up their... face and...

Grace Zabriskie: No, I'm saying that the... face opener business, and other aspects of her that we see in The Return, this is after the 25 years. Of hurt and aloneness. And I think that the evil in the world has possibly entered her in some way and she is not in control of it. Sometimes she is simply an old woman who has been in grief for many years, and that's relatively simple. Then there's... a space in her that can be occupied and entered and taken over. Even in the grocery store, she has sane moments.

[...]

Q: Sometimes I feel that it's not fair. For Sarah. That the viewers get to see all of this pain, you know, still going on for so long, because she's in- she's not the only person who- Ben, for example, I think that when we come back and see him, he's- it's a different kind of pain that he's in, in terms of what happened, and we don't really know what happened with Audrey, we know about Richard, and... you know, and all that. And he's a much different person than who he used to be, but Sarah has been in a place of pain for so long, where... come on, give her a break. Let her tool around in a convertible

with a (?) or something, like, come on!

Grace Zabriskie: (laughs) yeah that sounds like David Lynch all over