#one of a few drawings ive done over the past month

[theadoptedfandom]

& what if she was real

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

[burnthoneydrops]

What Time Has Done (Part IV) Benedict Bridgerton x Original Character Series

Synopsis: Emmeline Castillon has been invited to tea by none other than Eloise Bridgerton. When she somehow gets roped into tutoring Hyacinth, the youngest Bridgerton, with the literature skills she studied for, she finds herself wrapped into more than she accounted for. 

Requested: No

Word Count: 2548

Warnings: none!

A/N: here’s part four! thank you for all the love thus far and I hope you enjoy! 

Masterlist

The morning was usually my favourite time of the day. Only this morning, I could not help but feel as though I had made a dreadful mistake. Having returned home from University, the last thing I had wanted to do was draw more attention to myself than my debut already forced. Why, in God’s name, did I accept an invitation for afternoon tea from none other than Eloise Bridgerton? It is not as if I do not like the girl, as I have a feeling we are to be fast friends, I just think that maybe a few more days at home would have done me more good. Although, I’m sure Andrew will tell you that those days would have turned into weeks, into months and I would never have a hope of finding a suitor that way. My dreams of delaying the inevitable are crumbling down around me much sooner than I would like. 

Oh, what am I saying? It is a simple afternoon tea. I am never usually one for theatrics but my anxiety makes my mind a one-woman opera from time to time. Mama insists I take the carriage, even though I would much prefer the walk in the open air. As with the rest of our family, it is often difficult to persuade her one way or another once her mind is made up and therefore she will hear no more on the matter; I am to take the carriage. I tug at the sleeve of my dress as I stand in the entryway, waiting for the carriage to be brought around and Mama taps me on the back, telling me, without words, to stop my fussing. 

“This is a splendid opportunity for you my dear, and you must tell me all about it upon your return,” she smiles at me. 

“I imagine I wouldn’t be allowed past the door if I did not relay every detail to you first Mama,” I tease, hoping she catches onto my sarcastic commentary. 

“Your imagination would be correct,” she responds, and I know she took it in the way that I meant her to. With children like us, it would be hard to take everything seriously. 

The carriage finally arrives and I step into it, waving my mother goodbye as it pulls away. Even if I wanted to step back now, I physically cannot. That is, unless I wanted to end up ripping my dress on the rocky roads beneath us. I stare out the window, convincing my heart via my mind that it didn’t need to be beating so fast and that all my illusions about how horribly this could go were entirely fiction. I do not know why I am so nervous, as my family has been invited to many afternoon teas before, but this one feels different. It is not simply Mama’s friends who just happened to invite the whole family along; this is just me. Before, I could allow Andrew and Mama to take over the conversation, uttering a few affirmatives or negatives here and there. This time, however, I was to be fully engaged in the conversation, as Eloise had made it quite clear that she had a myriad of questions for me about my time studying abroad. 

The carriage rolls in front of the Bridgerton residence and I gasp. The house is absolutely beautiful and the flowers growing outside it are some of the most beautiful I have seen since my return home. English springtime really does wonders for the senses, and this is no exception. A butler walks up to the carriage door, offering me his hand as I step out. Upon my arrival at the front door, he walks speedily to where I am assuming Eloise is and announces my arrival. I hear a squeal and quickened footsteps when suddenly Eloise is standing in front of me, the biggest smile on her face. 

“Oh I’m so glad you could make it!” She exclaims, “Come! We’re just upstairs”. She grabs my arms and all but tears it out of its socket as she pulls me towards the intended room. 

I want to pause at her use of the word “we” but am not given the time to ask before we are already in the room. Her mother sits on one of the couches, smiling up at me upon my arrival. I give her a nervous smile back, not having expected her to be present. 

“You already know my mama,” Eloise comments. 

“Lovely to see you again Mrs. Bridgerton,” I greet her, feeling as though I should curtsey or something. Eloise is however still gripping my arm. 

“How wonderful that you could join us this afternoon dear. We just rang for tea, it should be here any minute,” Lady Bridgerton says, gesturing for the two of us to sit down. 

I take a seat in one of the couches on the other side of the small table, and Eloise goes to sit by her mother. Having both pairs of eyes on me makes this suddenly all too real, and I feel my heart rate begin to quicken. 

“Are you alright dear? You seem tense,” Lady Bridgerton comments. I want to chuck it up to a mother’s intuition but I doubt I’m hiding anything that well. 

“Hm? Oh, yes I am fine. Just a bit stressed,” I laugh, trying to cover it up, rather unsuccessfully I think. 

“Stressed? There is no need to be stressed. It is just us,” she responds and Eloise nods, the both of them trying to put me at ease. 

I nod, exhaling a deep sigh and running my hands along my dress. The tea is quick to follow, although the butler does not appear alone. A smaller girl with the same chestnut hair as everyone else in the family, who I remember to be Hyacinth, follows him in. Lady Bridgerton turns at the sound of another pair of footsteps and rolls her eyes. 

“Hyacinth Bridgerton, what do you think you are doing?” 

“Oh hi Mother. Are you three having tea here?” She asks innocently. 

“As if you didn’t already know,” Eloise retorts, scrunching her nose and shaking her head when Hyacinth gives her an annoyed look. 

“Enough! Before the both of you scare away our guest,” Lady Bridgerton says to the two of them, causing them both to stall in their tracks, “Hyacinth, you are to exit this room and go bother your brothers or something”. 

“But Mama! I have so many questions and seeing as Ms. Castillon is here, I figured it was the perfect time to ask them,” she proclaims. 

“Really it is not a bother to me at all if she wishes to stay,” I butt in, having been silent during this whole exchange. 

Hyacinth’s eyes light up and she smiles, running over to sit in the open spot next to me before her mother can object. “Ms. Castillon says I can stay, so I can stay”. 

“Alright, as long as you do not cause too much trouble,” her mother warns her before muttering, “you children will be the death of me,” in a loud whisper.

Eloise begins pouring herself a cup of tea before offering one to me, which I gladly take, happy to have something to do with my hands. Lady Bridgerton clears her throat before looking over at me. 

“So, I have heard many times that you have just returned to us from France, did you not?”

“Indeed I did. I was finishing up my studies over there”.

“What were you studying?” Hyacinth asks. 

“Literature and artistry mostly. I tried my hand at a few science classes but realised I wasn’t very good so my teaching skills would in turn never stretch to those subjects”. 

“You had originally planned to be a governess?” Lady Bridgerton questions. 

“Oh yes. I hadn’t necessarily seen myself being put out into the marriage mart, so I planned to be a governess. Who knows, maybe if things had panned out differently, I would be teaching Gregory and Hyacinth how to analyse literature”. I smile. 

“Oh I would love that! Can she, Mother?” Hyacinth asks, bouncing up and down slightly in her seat. 

“Well I am not actually a governess Hyacinth,” I clarify. 

“I do not care! Most of my tutors are stuffy and boring anyway. You seem like you would make it much more fun”. This time, I’m not entirely sure how to respond. 

“We did not invite our guest over so you could corner her into teaching you about books Hyacinth,” Eloise covers for me. 

“Well it is not as if you ever want to do it,” Hyacinth fires back.

“Do you read Eloise?” I ask, trying to change the conversation. 

“Fervently it seems at times,” Lady Bridgerton adds. 

“I am a lover of literature, yes,” Eloise clarifies, trying to paint a better picture for herself. 

“And yet you never want to save me from my Latin tutor when I would much prefer to read something else instead,” Hyacinth remarks, dramatically displaying her sorrow in the whole matter. “Hence why I think Ms. Castillon would be excellent”. 

“Well I suppose I could put my skills to good use. Though it wouldn’t be much of an education, more of a hobby or something along those lines,” I try, looking between Hyacinth and Lady Bridgerton for some sense of approval or disapproval. 

“It could prove quite useful. An impressive set of skills is most valuable come the social seasons. Who am I to deny my children something they love?” She finally decides. 

“So is that a yes Mama?” Hyacinth begs, once again bouncing with excitement. 

“If Ms. Castillon is alright with it, we could make some arrangements,” Lady Bridgerton looks at me. 

“I suppose if it’s alright by you all, I would be delighted,” I smile; Hyacinth’s energy is infectious. 

“Yay!” she cheers, wrapping me in a hug before sprinting off in excitement. 

“My apologies if I overstepped Lady Bridgerton. I didn’t mean-” 

“Nonsense dear, it would do dear Hyacinth well to have something intellectually challenging for her to focus on. I just hope you are ready for her”. 

“I will certainly try my best,” I nod as the sound of another pair of footsteps signals someone walking close by. 

“Mother, do I dare ask why Hyacinth-” it is Benedict. He stops as he notices his mother is not alone. “Pardon the interruption ladies”. 

“Benedict, you remember Ms. Castillon,” Lady Bridgerton motions to me and I stand, suddenly uncomfortably warm with his gaze upon me. 

“Yes I do. How nice to see you again,” he nods, his chin quickly dipping down and back up. 

“You as well,” I respond, bowing slightly. 

“She has just kindly agreed to tutor Hyacinth in literature,” Lady Bridgerton comments. 

“Ah, so that is why she is squealing like a madman and running throughout the house. You seem to have made quite the impression already Ms. Castillon,” Benedict smiles. I notice it is a more boyish smile, one that I’m sure has charmed many ladies before me. 

“Well, I shall try my hardest to live up to it then,” I chuckle lightly, feeling awkward once again. 

Something about his stare takes me out of the room entirely, and it is once again like it was at the park. Simply him and I together in a room, Lady Bridgerton and Eloise completely forgotten. His eyes reflect the water in the lake that I had so desperately wished to capture, and now I feel as though I may not need to. The perfect view is standing right in front of me. There seems to be a distant calling, sounding as if underwater. 

“Emmeline, can you hear me?” Eloise pulls me back to reality. 

“Hm? Oh yes, my apologies,” I turn to face the two ladies once again. 

“You faded out on me again,” Eloise teases, a light smile on her face. 

“It was not my intention I can assure you”. I catch Lady Bridgerton looking happily between me and her second eldest son, but I brush it past. 

“Mother, would you mind if Emmeline and I were to walk in the gardens?” Eloise asks, changing the subject. 

“I see no reason why not,” Lady Bridgerton responds, “it is a wonderful day after all”. 

I steal a quick glance at Benedict as Eloise takes my arm once again, “Wonderful! We shall return later”. 

She pulls me along through the house and toward the garden and suddenly I can breathe again. 

Back at the Castillon Household 

“Remember our deal Emmeline!” Mama calls as I step back into the house, trying my hardest to walk straight past anyone. 

“As I recall, it was more of a comment on your parenting style than it was a deal,” I respond, standing on the bottom of the staircase. 

 “Nevertheless, I would never let you attend something alone without telling me the details of the whole affair”. 

“Calling it an affair makes it sound much too nefarious Mama,” I point out, “There is no scandal to be had in this household yet”. 

“Never mind that, tell me now”. 

“I simply had tea with Eloise and Lady Bridgerton”. 

“Is that all?” she persists. 

“I might have also agreed to tutor their youngest girl in literature,” I continue, a little quieter than my previous volume. 

“You did what?” I do not look up. 

“Hyacinth seemed so interested in my literature studies and asked if I would share my knowledge with her,” I explain. 

“You agreed to be her tutor?” 

“Not as a full time position. I am not doing it for pay either. I am simply putting my skills to use”. 

My mother takes a moment to think. “Well, I suppose I should be proud that you made such an impression on one of the most influential families in London”. She gets a mischievous glint in her eye. 

“What is that look for?”

“Perhaps I am aware of the ulterior motives behind your plan,” she smirks, leaving me utterly confused. 

“The what?” 

“You wish to spend more time at their house so you agreed to tutor young Hyacinth,” she begins. 

“Yes and that is all I-”

“But really, you intend to spend more time at their house and with their family because you are smitten with Colin Bridgerton!” She exclaims, quite convinced this is the truth.

“Oh no that is not at all why-” I try my best to dissuade her. 

“Oh do not try to deny it now! I’m just curious how I did not come up with the plan myself,” my mother is absolutely beaming. 

I can hear the wedding bells chiming in her mind. I cannot think of anything else to say as she nearly skips into the kitchen, quite overjoyed with our conversation. I knew I had a reason to be anxious this morning but this was surely not it. Mama is now convinced that I am set on getting Colin Bridgerton to court me and I feel as though I cannot stop her. Realising she is probably retelling the plan to my siblings this very moment, I hurry up the stairs, wanting at least a moment to myself before I try and deal with the myriad of questions they are sure to have. 

What have I gotten myself into?

[silentshadowbl0g]

text update 06-2023

hey yall! thanks for the nice tags on my recent art- a big reminder that i am pretty active on twitter @sadmachlne666 (the i is a lower case L) and i usually post art regularly, sometimes still warriors, but usually its whatever im into

as far as personal life, the mods and I have had a really hard past couple of years, but we’re doing our best to keep going.

Orion and i spent the whole month of October together last year, and we both plan on visiting Heck soon. I believe they’re both still technically mods here but I’ll be really surprised to see them answer anything, as they’ve both pretty much washed their hands clean of warrior cats or anything of the like.

I’m moving out of my parents house FINALLY- I’ll be moving in a 3 bedroom with two other friends of mine this upcoming July, im super excited.

(Everythings been paid off except the first bill due the first of July, im okay with money but my commissions ARE still open, i just may be slow getting to them cause im busy with preparations and my irl job. if you cant comm me, please consider reblogging the comm price post! thanks!)

As for Silentshadow’s Path- all ive done the past few years is brainstorm TBH! i have a very loose world and story built in my head but ive yet to nail anything down- mostly just the characters and their motivations and roles in the story. Trying to keep everything as it was when it was warrior-ifed is pretty hard, but i have to remind myself ive been working on these characters since 2013, its gonna be hard to change a world overnight (for me anyway).

So ive been thinking- i might just abandon this blog and make a new one? go back to my roots, make new references for everyone (everyone im keeping anyway. remember i made over 200 characters for this story??)

I’m tempted to just private/archive this blog, its what i wanna do but i know lots of fans, including my friends even, enjoy going back and just looking through this blog every now and then- id hate to take it away from anyone.

But as of now, even though im a bit too busy to draw and sit down and chat, Id love to interact with you guys again, feel free to send me some asks every now and then if you have any questions. I’ll let yall know what i do in the future- probably after im moved into my new apartment! Thanks for an amazing couple of years this whole project was.

[youngpettyqueen]

I currently cant draw and won't be able to for a while so in the meantime please take this gal I was brainstorming over the other day. she is, in case you couldnt tell, the result of all the thinking I was doing about non-Trill hosts to symbionts

details under the cut-

in case the text isnt very legible, it reads-

Lieutenant Ethyr Bel

Andorian (joined w/ symbiont)

She/Her

Security Officer (Enterprise-D)

First Lieutenant

Ethyr was perfectly content living a completely average life. she was never the most ambitious person, perfectly happy with just being noticed, given the occasional praise from bridge crew, that sort of thing. she made friends easily- her best friend was Vozra Bel, the two met at the academy and were joined at the hip, practically inseparable

then the crash happened. a routine mission went wrong, and Ethyr and Vozra were involved in a massive shuttle crash. both were injured, but Vozra was critical- she wasn't going to make it. but the symbiont inside her could, if it could be put into a host quick enough. Bel would never survive the long trip to the Trill homeworld. so... Ethyr volunteered. begged to have the symbiont put in her. she didnt care that it had never been done on record, that it might not even work, she had to try. even if all she did was buy the symbiont enough time to get to Trill, that would be enough

well... it worked. it was highly experimental, it was desperate, and it worked. Bel took to Ethyr. suddenly, Ethyr had entire lifetimes flooding into her head. suddenly, she could feel Bel inside of her, shifting and squirming around her guts. suddenly, Ethyr- unambitious, perfectly content Ethyr- was someone, and something, entirely new

calling it a difficult adjustment is an understatement. Ethyr easily takes Bel as her last name, but thats about the only easy thing there is about this. for months shes nauseous, debilitated by constant aches and pains as Bel moves around her body and gets used to it. the memories are overwhelming, they give her chronic headaches, sometimes getting as bad as migraines that keep her in bed for days. the brain fog is terrible. every morning she has to remember who she is. sometimes she forgets, and introduces herself with the wrong name, or doesnt answer to her own. sometimes she forgets shes Andorian. everything is a lot, all the time, and she does her best to manage it all. she doesnt regret her choice, and she'd do it again in a heartbeat, but still. its a lot

theres some silver linings, of course. one day she will adjust fully. until then, she has a newfound sense of connection because of her symbiont. she has these lives shes connected to, her past lives, who are there for her every step of the way. she has Vozra again, in her heart, in her memories, in her soul. she enjoys some of these new developments since becoming joined with Bel- she likes that she can play some instruments, now. that she enjoys spicy food. that she knows Vulcan martial arts, and is good at it. sure, its a lot, and its often overwhelming and debilitating, but there are still things to love. on the days where she can, shes always trying to find more things to love

anyways yes this is Ethyr and ive only had her for a few days but I love her dearly

[omophagic-beast]

alright lets talk ttrpg goals for 2023! this post is about games im writing that i want to finish this year, ill make another one for games i want to play in 2023.

i have. so many half finished games. in fact i even have several games that are written!! they just need to be laid out and put out there. so heres the goals and the order for said goals

1- Record Collection 2K23, and the yet-unnamed game for it that ive been writing up over the past few weeks. part tarot-driven game, part... play? there’s stage directions in there in any case

its based off the four wind albums by the Oh Hellos, later on the two characters in the play only talk to eachother via lyrics from each album, moving through the seasons as they move through their story.

ofc i want to finish this one during the jam, which means by the end of january. very much pushing myself to just Get It Out There and not worry so much about it being exactly what i want, because i can always come back and update it later. its horribly (affectionate) self indulgent already so to b clear i am writing this game for Me, so the only person who needs to like it at any point is Me :3

2- There Is An Anger Inside Of You. ive been noodling at this game for over a year now, with the creation date on the word doc being may of 2021. its done!!! its finished, i swear to god, i just need to lay it out, and i already know how im going to do that i just need to *grabs myself by the shoulders* fucking do it

its a game about being angry when youre not able to express it, the struggle of keeping your anger under wraps being played out as a rather unfair game of chess. and i am going to get it out by the end of february.

3- The Lady, The Tiger, and The Accused, a hack of For The Queen based on the short story The Lady or The Tiger. its another one that is currently completely written out, but rather than laying it out and getting it out there my goal with this one is to get it formatted for playtesting. its a three player game, players taking on the role of either The Lady, The Tiger, or The Accused, and answering the prompts as such. i really love it, but it needs to be played by people and revised before ill feel comfortable declaring it finished.

also, i want to actually crowdfund and print this one, with art and editing and maybe some pretty extras and such. so my goal is to start playtesting it by my birthday, the 17th of march. after that... im not sure! crowdfunding it by the end of the year would be wild i think, since, in true For The Queen style, id love to get a gaggle of artists to draw Princess cards for it, and that takes time! so the goal is more to have it ready for crowdfunding by the end of this year, and if that happens sooner then thats cool and good!

4- Someones Simple Book of Spells Volume One: Paper. This one is also FULLY WRITTEN *sounds of agony in the distance* i just need to LAY IT OUT

and honestly since i already know how i want to lay it out lets put this one for the end of april. yes this is pretty much a game a month for the next bit but theyre all SO CLOSEEEE to being done anyways its just that final push, i could accomplish most of these goals in a weekend if i just did it so. im going to!! do it!!!

5- ok finally, one thats actually not almost finished, its The Center of the Known Universe. a small anthology of games originally started for the weird west jam but never finished.

its got some of my favorite concepts ive ever thought of though, a game about aliens freezing time in a small western town and LARPing as cowboys, two wild west wizards battling it out at high noon, a game about supernatural cowboys falling in love while experiencing all the seasons of the desert, and more. its a love letter to the small desert town i currently live in, and i want to see it come into being. im going to give myself the summer for this, lets say the goal is to have the full first draft written by september. i also would love for this one to go into print, so a secondary goal is to have it ready to crowdfund in time for ZineMonth 2024, so february of next year.

i think thats probably all the projects i can set goals for this year, october-december is always very busy for me so im not gonna set anything besides the two i want to get ready for crowdfunding in 2024, though i do have several other half written games lying about (looks nervously at my over-4000 word “ttrpg ideas” doc).

maybe ill get into the swing of actually finishing games and get to them as well! but if not thats just fine :3

you can always find all my games over on the Grey Jay Games itch.io page, and i may make a sideblog just for GJG, but for the moment all game news and stuff from me will be right here @resident-corvid​

[one-and-lonely16]

hi so i am alive

thought i would do a little update just to let y'all know why ive been fairly inactive recently and been on and off for the last month or so

basically, im currently in my year where we do a bucket load of exams, currently in exam season rn, two weeks in, so thats my reasoning for the radio silence for these past few weeks

then like i'd say maybe a month now?? i fell out with like my closest friend. u know the friend u think is gonna be with u for the rest of ur life?? yeah that one. so that threw me into a massive slump and just have only started getting my motivation back. she was such an integral part of my life, im just trying to find my feet again

so! i do have drawings ready to post and have almost finished another chapter of writers in the dark, but i wont be posting anything until mid june when exam season is officially over

hope you have a good rest of your day. if you've made it this far, well done

[bookwyrminspiration]

You are like a book character thats just. Yeah what did i expect from a name like that bnfjfjfjf

Yo on the reading tho!?? I feel the revitalized pjo interest im staring at my pjo books like. Soon soon i will get to u (THO IM MISSING A FEW OF THEM AND I DONT KNOW WHERE THEYVE GONE. THEYVE BEEN STOLEN I SWEAR) i actually have been trying to read actual books again and!!! I finished one finally!!! Only took me like a month bmgkfkfk i finished call down the hawk and my local library is ab to murder me for how long ive had it-

Dude okay so i work at a movie theater right and ive wanted to see boy and the heron so badly ive just been so busy im staring at it and like ten other movies like pls i need free time. Other than that i got baldurs gate 3 and have been wandering through a world download for a minecraft series i like. And im once again cursed by my inability to finish fics so my solution is write all of it then post and now i have like two 15k wips just sitting in my notes app ive been trying to finish for like two years T-T

I've read so many books I've started to become them, and honestly? There are worst fates. I think I'd make a good like...wise character. Like the one the main character goes to when they have a question and I pull on information I don't explain how I got and set them on their quest or something. Or they discover a cursed magic item and they're like, well Quil probably knows something useful. And then I do.

Anyway! Congrats on the reading! I actually did so much reading, writing, and drawing the past week that I gave myself a headache three days in a row. Like I legit had to just sit for an hour yesterday doing nothing. I've been meaning to read Call Down the Hawk since it came out--I actually started it back then, but for some reason I only got to the part right after the crabs(?) in the dorm where Ronan gets kicked out, and then cries(?) in the garden(?). But I fully intend to return to it, I love the world of trc. And Ronan's my favorite. so.

and the pjo thing!! i've been blasting through them at the rate of about one a day just like oh my god I forgot how much I loved these. the writing style is just so fun. currently half-way through mark of athena, but I had to stop because I do this thing every year where the first book I read is a twilight book for shits and giggles, so I gotta finish life and death before I go back to it (i'm already about 3/4ths of the way done so not a huge detour).

Oh right the boy and the heron! I forgot I mentioned that--I saw it yesterday! I'll admit it did contribute to my headache, because big bright screen in a dark room is...not great. my laptop gives me headaches sometimes, but anyway. I don't think it's my favorite ghibli film, but it had a draw to it. it's quite beautiful, and it's thought provoking in its way. very ghibli-esque.

bg3!! I haven't played myself (doesn't seem my kind of game), but I will admit I did have a few moments of just being enraptured by astarion. which is so cliche of me, but what can I say? his dialogue was funny.

good luck with all of your fics though--I've got a handful that are just waiting to be edited before I post them. but the wings au and then gift exchanges took precedent, so they've been sitting a while. but! those are over now! so I plan to edit and finally post them soon. I've also got this kotlc book 1 but from fitz's pov project in the works I'm very excited to return to :)

anyway, it is very nice to hear from you tater!! giving you the biggest high five rn o7 spicy gatorade or something

[devilish-parrot]

im not giving my real name but you can call me either Karl, Ryan or Oris

he/they. i dont usually have a preference. u can switch it up from one sentance to another or in the same sentance if u want, as long as you use them both

libra

1 brother. fun fact abt him; hes rlly good with lego

i dont have any pets any more. when i was like 5 i had 2 clownfish named nemo. then when i was 8 i had a rabbit named bunny but she died

my fandoms are in my pinned post. i really like tally hall and twomp atm, im really hyperfixated on them both. like ALOT

fav colours are black, blue and green. in that order

i cant choose a one favourite song so ill name a few i really like (they're all tally hall though because i havent been able to listen to anything els for weeks). The whole world and you, Welcome to tally hall, Taken for a ride, greener, You, Good day, Haiku, and The bidding

i dont have a favourite author so ill jusy tell u my favourite book: animal farm (highly recomend)

hobbies include reading, drawing, listening to music

i dont read fanfics

halloween

no partners, am single 😔 but i was doing my start of the year tarot reading recently (12 cards, one per month) and my brother was watching over, making his own skewed interpretations of the cards. he thinks im gonna get a boyfriend this month, then break up with him after he cheats on me, then ill spend my next four months plotting my revenge which ultimatly ends me up in jail... im pretty sure the card was actually reffering to me finishing my tally hall blog (more info on that below). if youre wondering, the card was xxi the world, drawn upright

ive spent the past 3 days working on a tally hall daily blog. im very proud of it but im nowhere near done. ive only gotten through 2 internet show episodes but already have posts queued up untill may. im really excited about this!!

tags (i wont tag mutuals that worm-brainzz already tagged) @confusedsnowpatch @ailill-everytime @jellyfish-fingernail @mikka-minns @milofonn @zaychik45510 @wielderofthechainsaw @thatfrogperson @theseusthetransratking @mysticlilac-ec @alex-is-a-simp-73 @felt-squirrels no pressure, u dont have to answer all the questions or any at all

I got bored so here's a little get-to-know-you tag game I think could be fun :3

Name(s)

Pronouns

Star sign

# of siblings & fun facts about them (if you have any)

# of pets & their names

Fandoms

Favorite color

Favorite song

Favorite author (of anything readable-- books, fanfics, zines, webtoons, whatever!)

Hobbies

Favorite fic type

Favorite holiday

Do you have any partner(s)? (romantic, qpp, anything!)

Fun facts about you / anything extra you wanna share!

────────

Name(s): Loki (highly preferred), Elye

Pronouns : they/them mostly, he/she okay too

Star sign: Pisces

# of siblings: I've got 2! An older sister and a younger sibling. The fun fact about them is that they're also both queer; in fact, my mom is too. The only non-queer person in my immediate family is my dad.

# of pets: 4 cats! Phoebe & Frankie are our girls, Lenny and Murray are our boys :3

Fandoms: MCU (kind of), BSD, OFMD, Ranboo (does his fanbase count as a fandom?)

Fav. color: Don't have one

Fav. song: Aurora Borealis by Lemon Demon

Fav. author: Alice Oseman

Hobbies: singing, acting, drawing, writing, procrastinating

Fav. fic type: Fluff, definitely. I am a sucker for well written coffee-shop and flower-shop aus, too. Smut's fine, but only if it's romantic. I can't do angst if there's no comfort.

Fav. Holiday: Hanukkah or Halloween! I love autumn and winter

Partners?: Yes! I have a girlfriend (queerplatonic) who I love very much, and a boyfriend (romantic) who I love very much :]

Fun facts:

- Even though I'm a cat person, I really, really want a dog.

- I actually used to play sports. Because I don't do gendered leagues anymore, I don't play, but I've been looking for mixed/gender-neutral/queer sports teams. Baseball and basketball specifically!

- I started questioning my identity in 2019; I'm no closer to finding a label now than I was then. The difference is, now I don't want a label. I just am. :]

tags: @neonganymede @cha0ticlesbian @x-chiara @exceleo @brinnybee @autistic-katara @gandalfthemorallygrey @ohboyanotherlokiblog @roachandrenfri @ourflagmeanslokius @exceleo @edettethegreat @swiftlyspidey

[arlecchno]

YES OMG THE POISONED DREAMS SERIES (from what ive read so far) IS SO SCRUMPTIOUS - the print copies have art in them and im just so obsessed teehee . summers fic and MA over the past few months have been the things i looked forward to in the then - futures . cova is srsly taking all of our hearts hostage w that blessed fic LOL its also real fun that the reader in fic has a hydro vision (this doesnt count as spoilers right ?) because ive always personally envisioned (haha) myself with one too . cova also has other works w alhaitham in it that are like kinda sorta connected to summers fic , my favorite being this one , i love the fic description LMAO

dude ive done so much random bullshit because i used to have SO MUCH extra free time on my hands ??? and , honestly dude ive really been wanting to get back into writing on a regular basis but i have such terrible commitment issues with my personal projects its insane . also if you dont mind could you share some of your a/n that you find particularly silly ? i honestly live for memey authors notes

ive also taken that quiz ! multiple times actually (and many others) LMFAO , it was a different answer every time but its mainly a tie between ei and albedo . which is . heavily ironic . because all my close friends call me a scara kinnie which is like . ah yes another artificial human and then throw a creator of one at me like ??????? atp ive just come to embrace that i might be a little artificially flavored in the brain (/hj) . ive also been called a cyno kinnie sometimes because of the terrible puns i make (they laugh anyways though so i mean ..) anyways yeah so if you wanna assign me a genshin character too feel free to i guess , its honestly fun for me to see people assign me a genshin character they think im similar to .

heres …. a spoon i accidentally drew while trying to draw a fish

- jellyfish

i've only read the summers fic until chap 4 (currently reading chapter 5) and it's so good. the mc and alhaitham's dynamic is so funny HAHA i keep laughing every time they have their stupid banters especially in the middle of fighting/interrogating people.

mc having a hydro vision is actually so nice too!! in chapter 4 at the part where they were sitting by the water and mc was playing around with the water by morphing them into dolphins and such was a nice addition to them. having a hydro vision sounds so fun and honestly i kinda want it too now LMAO

i'll also be sure to check out the other fic you've linked! cova's work with the summers fic is truly good and they're hella good at writing, so i'm not gonna miss the chance to not read their other works 🥹

and wow!!! i think you'll do a great job at writing again, and if you ever decide to get back to it, i would drop everything to read your work. no really, you're good at drawing, you make poems, you like solving out stuff, you make your own games— what can't you do???? you have such amazing skills and talents, i'd drop on my knees to see more of your work 😵‍💫

i won't deny that writing is such a big commitment and it takes such a huge effort to get back on your feet, and that's okay!! i think it's really neat that you have your own personal projects, i would say that's a total win!!!! hehe

google docs has this section where it lets you add comments in the words you've highlighted and i took every opportunity to make the silliest ones in some lines i've written for ma (would we consider this as proper annotations? i don't think i would...), here are some of them

i like adding my own author comments in my google docs because personally— it feels like a wattpad comment section, except that it's only visible to you, y'know? pretty silly, exactly, but i like annotating my own work for some reason... i think i'm just hella weird

i kinda see how you'd be an albedo kinnie, actually. well, one, you're pretty artistic, but also, i have a feeling you're kind of a quiet and reserved person irl. i hope i'm not wrong because then i'd be a total fool HAHAHA but anyways... hm... cyno kinnie... you know i can't disagree to that when you've already slipped in a pun on your first paragraph 😔 ngl i giggled when i first read it so... another win for you?

thank you for the spoon jellyfish haha it's so silly that it made my day 😭

[sumbreon]

just going over this whole past year, you know how it is

self harm and family death below so that gives you an idea of how its gone i guess

so january started on a nice high, i felt better than i had in a long time and then one week into january it took a complete nosedive to the lowest id felt in years. like i went from starting to talk and managing to push myself to do some stuff i wanted to/would be good for me to wanting to self harm for the first time in seven years. i was sat at work completely dissociated and got jolted out of it by an extremely vivid image of blood pouring out of my arm.

it was a double edged sword because it pushed me to finally reduce my hours at work which i really needed but like it meant i was doing real bad which really fucking sucked with how id been doing the past month. it was agreed with my boss that id start my reduced hours in april so we wouldnt have to mess around with annual leave calculation bullshit and just knowing it was coming helped but i was definitely pretty out of it for those months.

march rolls around, i have a week and a half booked off. im gonna decide on some things i want to do with my extra time after i recover mentally and then my grandmother is in hospital with some dark spot on her bladder and the care home she was in cant look after her anymore and she may have contracted covid in the hospital but its fine she didnt then michael tells me theres gonna be a band 4 coming up in pathology IT but i cant process that right now but its there in the back of my mind constantly then she gets bounced around a few care homes then shes back in hospital then it settles and shes in a care home 5 minutes away from our house but i still havent seen her in like a year and a half at this point and im wracked with guilt because what do i remember about her really? not much it feels like, i worry if shed even recognise me, what would i even say to her? but it doesnt matter because visitors are still limited and id rather my mum and aunties see her cause theyd get more out of it

then its april and my mum just snaps under her own job, i have this extra time at home but i gotta walk on eggshells cause march happened and now this and i have no idea how shes doing mentally because this family is so emotionally repressed so i just hide in my room, basically feeling kinda catatonic and just straight up lying at work like 'yeah its great!'

then may comes around and i do actually start to recover. the band 4 jobs still in the background of my mind but nothing mores been said about it but i cant not think about it. the time goes by so much faster than you think it would but i start drawing again. small canvas size just sketches nothing fancy at all just a minimum something once a week no pressure its okay

june is much the same, the plan had been recover mentally then start applying for jobs elsewhere but then the band 4 was there looming so the plan became wait and see what comes of that, i dont manage to get back to where i was at this time last year but i do my best to not hold it against myself, im getting better thats what matters

july. the band 4 goes up its all thats in my brain. i want to recind my application so i can stop worrying about it. i get the job its full time and day time hours as opposed to the 12-8 ive been doing for years but its too good an opportunity for me to pass up. its means i can get on paper IT experience

august comes around and im due to start my new job on the 8th. its the 7th i go downstairs see my mum and ask her how its going. my grandmother is dead. i start my new job and i say nothing about that, its a struggle though i dont show it im shown a few things but theyre done quickly and easy to stay on top of, i only know one person in this room, my desk is the first one you see when you come into the room so im on edge every time the door opens, i dont want to be doing this right now but sitting at home wont do me any good either so i bear it silently, the funeral is the 26th, i only mention this to my new boss because i need the day off, theres a moment of pity that i cant really deal with. i hate being pitied i know people mean well by it but it makes me bristle. its the 26th my mum starts crying as we get to the crematorium shes gripping my hand tightly and i wont let her go either, i sit there and feel the guilt about not remembering but then my great uncle starts to read her eulogy and its like 'oh. there you are. i do remember you. i remember so much of you' and then im crying too

september and october i mostly just continue to adjust to how things are, this new normal, the new job is good, my new boss is kind, i want to cry

november, the birthday month, the start of self reflection. what do i want out of life, how can i get it, who do i want to be. i never really know, i remind myself that this year has been a struggle and i do my best to be kind to myself, its birthday week and ive kept up the weekly sketching for 6 months now, i only missed one week and i dont feel bad about it. a band 5 has gone up in pathology IT, explicitly for me

its december and its come around so fucking fast, its over already. i get the band 5 we have a nice christmas. i survive. this year had such extreme highs and lows and i honestly have no idea how to like rank this year

i have come to the unfortunate conclusion that working in pathology IT will be temporary, my boss is set to retire july this year, working full time takes too much out of me so i dont have the energy to do things that i want, i miss my hours of 12-8. the plan was always stick it out for a year and see where im at but the hope was that id stay. maybe im not done adjusting but thats for the eden of june to decide.

thank you for reading i love you i hope things go well for you be kind to yourself - eden :] <3

[kkmeeluqq]

screaming about how the way I draw seb has evolved over the past few months….what is this MOEFICATION…..

so this is where it all begins... i drew this last year december when i barely know seb besides the fact that he and lewis are like the cool chilled multi champion guys who always appear on the press con (kinda like the kainan high school in slam dunk or hakone gakuen in yowamushi pedal if you know what im talking about...)

and then i found out that he has a boyfriend. i started adding BLUSHES

this is the first sebchal art i've done maybe???

as for the next one.....i might redraw and post this comic someday...basically its about seb having to choose among lance charles and mick.....

and then i cant stop adding blushes. i cant stop...

and then we have this. i refuse to elaborate... if you've watched evangelion, you'll understand. (is that the case?)

and then we have meow meow. the moefication has been COMPLETED

end of the story ^^ looking back at the first seb ive drawn never fails to make me laugh like an idiot because WHOS THAT GUY AND WHO IS THIS GUY IM DRAWING NOW

[dogboyboyshorts]

OK NOW TIME FOR SOME SPLAIN'N

so the reason i haven't been on for the past... two months? is because i gave myself a rule about logging back on. see i had been reading clive barker's books of blood, the first volume, and while i did enjoy it, it was taking a bit so i was like ok. how about im not allowed to open tumblr until i finish this book (and at that point, the last two stories were "sex, death, and starshine" and "in the hills, the cities"). and i procrastinated on finishing it. for TWO MONTHS. but im back now! and im glad i took the time off because i had a great time and it was really helpful for clearing my head of brainrot

for the next week, maybe two weeks, idk maybe less, im just gonna be on like normal, but after that im going to try to finish at least one short story in-between log-ons. so im planning on getting the second volume of books of blood, and then once im done with all of those im moving onto jorge luis borges. hopefully this means my usage will be spaced out enough that i wont get turbo brainrot, and hopefully this will also incentivize me to read more since ive been struggling with that all year. so if i disappear again, dont worry! im just likely just procrastinating and am probably having a great time in the real world. or just on other sites besides this one, lol

i realized i mentioned i've been on pinterest, but i also realized i forgot to link my username! you can find me on pinterest here and on reddit here, and if ive been offline on tumblr for a while, you can probably contact me through there if you wanna check up on me.

STUFF IVE BEEN DOING:

over the period i was absent i managed to get cast in, rehearse for, and then perform a one-act play at my local theater over two weekends! as you can imagine our schedule was pretty tight, but i think we managed to pull it off really well considering everything. ive also been taking some classes that have been super duper interesting and i wont say too much cuz i dont want to dox myself, but i have been learning some rudimentary asl and its very enriching for a poor little boy such as me.

comic books! after exactly a year away i went back to the original joe kelly run of deadpool, and lo and behold it was just as great as people said it was! besides that im making my way through the utterly massive chris claremont run of x-men comics, with the help of some handy omnibuses i've acquired online. be prepared for nightcrawlerposting. i literally started the series because i thought he was cute and im so glad i did. and im also reading doom patrol!!!!!! im nearly done with grant morrison's run (i have like five issues left??? crazy) and then im gonna be moving on to the rachel pollack run, and after that, im skipping right to the gerard way run!

IN THE FUTURE

its october now which means im going to try to watch all the horror movies i didnt last year. and we're also coming up on one year of genocide so i want to be able to help at least somewhat, at least a little bit more than i already have been. ill be making a separate post for this but im planning on opening a few donation commission slots, maybe five, maybe just three. ive been struggling to output anything artwise so i hope drawing something for someone else can make that easier for me.

anyway, good to see everyone again! here's hoping things turn out okay for all of us. brace yourselves for a tumult of fandomposting after this message, ive been itching to dive back into the tagsearch for too long!

HEY GUYS HI

OK!!! HELLO!!!! YES IVE BEEN DOING FINE ITS GOOD TO SEE YOU. IM GOING TO CHECK MY NOTIFS REAL QUICK AND THEN ILL GIVE AN EXPLANATION

[sylvie-writes]

Dr. Husband

word count: 5278

pairing: doctor steve rogers x wife reader

warnings: talks about heat exhaustion? there’s nothing graphic, but if the hospital theme bothers you, then this isn’t the fic to read!

prompts (from @/fluffyomlette): “Your pulse is a little high. Is it because I’m holding your hand?” and “You’re not supposed to pick favourites, doc.” “Trust me, if I didn’t, you’d be dead by now.”

a/n: this just popped in my head about a month ago and i had to write it for no explainable reason. i really couldn’t think of a title oops. if you all have a better idea please tell me so i can change it lol.

please excuse any mistakes!

Summer was finally in full force, blazing sun rays beamed down on the dry ground and once gorgeous flowers drooped in dire need of water. Sounds of children playing outside, pool water splashing as a result of cannonballs, while lawnmowers whirled to life and laughter from the watching wives resounded this afternoon. In your neighborhood, it was tradition that the women would get together every other Saturday and have drinks in the cul-de-sac while their husbands had unsaid competitions of manicuring their yards. Unfortunately for you, your husband was a doctor and that meant little time for him to do the yard, and you didn’t have children at the moment that could go play with the others. The women who were your neighbors were a bit too picky choosy for your taste. They only seemed to bond over their children and sitting around home, two of which you didn’t have or do, so you weren’t ever truly invited to their day-drinking. It was actually fine with you as these people were so hot n’cold and you were just tired of trying to fit in with faux friends. You had plenty of true friends and then your husband who was a child of his own.

For three weekends so far, Steve had told you he’d cut the lawn and as much as you wanted to believe him, you knew that he was so exhausted from work and being on call a majority of the time, that he would never find the hours to do so. That was okay with you because what he did was important and you weren’t gonna be on his ass like the feds about the yard when you could easily do it yourself. It wasn’t like he was just sitting around, no, he was working so you just decided to cut the lawn yourself, something you’d done plenty of times before. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Unfortunately the day you chose to do so, the sun was out blazing and a simple walk out the door was a trip to an off-brand hell. Instead of making a wise decision and waiting to cut the grass in the evening, you chose the latter and decided to cut the grass at noon, the very time the sun was in full shine. 

Dressed in attire for yard work and having already eaten a sandwich for lunch, you headed out the garage door to tackle the mess there in hopes of finding the push mower within. Steve’s father, Joseph, had given you both a lot of his lawn equipment, but the riding mower was broken at the moment and you (again) stupidly decided to push mow the almost two acre lawn. It took a good half hour to get the darned thing out on the driveway and while doing so, you noticed that your neighbors, the wives to be exact, had decided to come out for one of their occasional and somehow spontaneous get-togethers which consisted of unattended kids drawing with chalk as their mothers sat a few feet away dipping their feet in the small splash pool. You often found the idea both inventive and funny. 

For only a second more did you let your attention linger on the group before returning back to fill the lawn mower with gasoline. After doing so, you tossed on a pair of sunglasses and went full steam ahead with cutting the grass, disregarding the rising, and very unsafe, temperature. 

About an hour in, the temp had already risen to be above 100 and something no one should have spent any longer than half an hour in. Steve had always said you were stubborn at all the wrong times and boy was he right. You had just finished up half of the front yard and quarter of the back yard. It was mad that you were actually thinking about pushing mowing two acres, especially in this unruly weather. 

You were so determined and when your mind was set on something, you let all other matters slip away, including regards for your own health. The unusual amount of sweat on your skin seemed to go unnoticed by you as well did the growing headache. 

Finally, about half an hour later, more of the backyard was finished and your inner saboteur continued to influence your goals. 

“Just finish this half and you will be close enough to the end,” translated into “Just finish the whole yard, you might as well since you are this close.” 

This was the worst mindset to have, especially with the given circumstances as you had been out here for at least two hours, no drinks of any sort, no real breaks aside from fueling the lawn mower, and no cares to the worsening symptoms that now included noticeable dizziness. 

The lawn mower eventually ran out of gas and you went to refill it once more. Making your way through the front yard, your unknown adrenaline rush came to an end along with the machine’s power. It wasn’t until your vision started to star and blur that you finally noticed your decline in health, but by then it was too late and you were on the plush and groomed grass of the front yard. Ironically, you noticed the fruits of your labor since you were currently laying on it.

Five minutes had passed since your drop to the ground and one of the ladies out in the court, Genevieve, noticed your figure, quite the contrast to the viridescent grass. Despite that she thought you were “demented” for cutting the grass yourself, she knew you weren’t unhinged, so to say, that you would just lay on the grass as it would serve no purpose to do so. She didn’t take you for a nature lover either so this was not normal. 

Genevieve squatted down in the lawn, her sparkly sandals reflecting in the sea of green. Unknowing of what to do, the woman in a panic threw the back of her hand to your forehead and you burned hotter than a metal kettle. By time she stood, the other ladies had gathered around and were now circling in mass hysteria as if they were staring at a dead body and not your unconscious, yet breathing frame. Many long seconds later, Priscilla, who was Genevieve’s closest friend and who despised you as much as you did her, decided to call 911. The other moms then left to go usher their children away from what they described as a “traumatic experience” and back to their large homes for some sort of last minute luncheon. 

Eventually, an ambulance arrived in your usually quiet neighborhood, something that was clearly displayed as almost every neighbor popped their heads out of their houses in sheer curiosity. Their nosey nature often bothered you but was normally put behind some sort of service act such as a baked cake or bottle of wine just to be invited into your house. You didn’t miss the way your neighbors would study your house when they were finally welcomed in. Steve was much better at hiding his cross nature and would return some compassion of his own while you struggled to bottle your annoyance and sealed it with a forced smile. As luck would have it though, you were knocked out and couldn’t give them a piece of your mind for staring because heavens know this would’ve been the last straw and no one could have stopped your rant. 

It was when you were in the red wagon and being attended over by paramedics that you noticed you were on the way to somewhere that wasn’t home. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

 At the hospital, the doctor and nurses hydrated you back to reality and suddenly you appeared in a bed, a doctor standing at the side with a clipboard in hand allowing your mind to draw up a million conclusions before you remembered what you had done last. 

The doctor spoke a fast introduction and he then moved on to fill you in on what had happened as confusion still painted your face although when he told you Genevieve’s account of what led up to your ultimate passing out, you visibly cringed at such carelessness that ended up bringing you here. Hundreds of falls, burns, and bruises thanks to your clumsy nature, but this had to be the one thing to send you to the hospital. Some sort of twisted joke it sure was. 

Moving to roll a stool to your bedside, the doctor passed you a cold bottle of water before bringing his eyes to give your IV a quick check as a nurse had put it in not too long before you awoke. 

“Luckily, Mrs. Rogers, your neighbors found you in time and you only experienced severe heat exhaustion. Had you prolonged your exposure anymore you could have experienced a heat stroke. For now, I ask that you rest and I’ll come back to release you.” The doctor expressed his reassurance with a kind grin before walking out of the plain and boxy room that could make one go insane with its lack of liveliness. 

Staring out the open doorway and into the empty hallway, you knew that Steve worked on this very floor, but honestly what were the chances that he’d see you? At one point he’d eventually find out about today’s mishaps, but that was a problem for later when you were more conscious and caring. Letting your worries temporarily go (something that was only happening thanks to your fatigued mind), you slightly shifted into a somewhat “comfortable” position on the stiff bed and rough cotton sheets. Albeit that there was an IV uncomfortably stuck in your arm, you fell into a much needed slumber. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Lunch break at last. 

That was all that had been on Steve's mind for the past three hours which had been extremely hectic. Granted, he was used to this fast-paced workplace having worked here for almost a decade, but today was absolutely out of control with injured patients coming in left and right. It wasn’t some sort of bad omen, rather just an unlucky day for many Steve had assumed. He had just finished up with a pediatric case and was now on his way to enjoy the leftover baked chicken salsa that you had made just for him last night and packed for his lunch this morning. You knew how busy his week had been and you took the liberty to make his favorite dinner dish to compensate for the work that had left such a toll on him. A smile immediately overtook his face when he walked in the house last night and that’s when you decided that you would gladly cook anything he’d like over and over again just to see that look of adoration. As Steve held you in his arms at that moment, he kept thinking how he really didn’t deserve you and little did he know, the same thought ran in your own mind. Yet, in reality, you both went together like a puzzle piece to a puzzle. Without the piece, the picture would never be completed and without the other, you and Steve would have never enjoyed life to the fullest. 

Strutting down the never ending hall, Steve passed many doors, some he had been in just a mere hour or two ago. As he walked past an open door and did a double take as he saw a patient asleep, but no sign of anyone else in the room. If he were that patient, he’d want the door shut for some privacy, something which the man highly valued, so he crossed the short distance and closed the door. He didn’t mean to look at the patient for so long as they weren’t in his care and that would be awfully creepy, but Steve could help but do a double take and noticed that the familiar face was, in fact, you. From first glance it didn’t even look like you and that was coming from the man who had studied your face just to commit it to his memory. In a loving way, of course. 

He slowly walked in your room, taking in the image before him of you lying in a hospital bed. His mind had assumed that the worst thing had happened to you and for a moment, Steve’s breathing ceased and his legs were glued to the ground. As his eyes scanned over your body again, his fears were calmed when there were no visible wounds and you just seemed to be resting. Although as a doctor, he unfortunately knew anything could be possible. 

Hunching over the top half of the bed, Steve smoothed your stray hairs away from your forehead and placed an awakening kiss there. You were a light sleeper a majority of the time and your spouse knew that this small action would wake, but not startle you. Every night he’d come home from work and do the same thing except then he knew you were safe and sound. Now, he was just filled with uncertainty. 

“What happened?” Those were the only words he was able to get out and you gave him an answer, just not one that he was looking for. You were already getting defensive and he could sense it.

“Genevieve saw me pass out in the yard and overreacted, Steven. You know they all don’t exactly have good track records with medicine.” You rolled your eyes at the last statement remembering how your neighbors have often nonchalantly tried to get Steve to diagnose them when it came to something as simple as a scrape. Then again, all of your neighbors were in the business industry so that explained their lack of medical knowledge or at least that is the excuse you drew up for them. 

“Nice try, (y/n), but you do have a medical chart and it’s over there,” Steve pointed over his shoulder and towards the doorway where a plastic chart holder sat mounted on the cream wall. “You didn’t just pass out, and the neighbors did not overreact. They did the right thing despite how much I know you hate that. Now, either you tell me the truth or I go read that file.” His tone was serious, but not condescending. Hidden in his eyes was a tad sprinkle of mischief.

Stubborn as ever, you didn’t respond and folded your arms over your chest in a form of defiance. 

Against what is probably legal, Steve picked up your medical chart to read what had happened as you wouldn’t disclose the information to him. Your husband was a worry-wart sometimes and while you appreciated how he doctored you when you were sick, he could be a bit overbearing. A great example would be the time when you were cooking dinner and burned your forearm when taking the casserole out of the oven. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

“Babe, dinner is ready!” 

The timer on the oven was currently beeping and you walked towards it. Turning off both the oven and the timer, you grabbed a short oven mitt and reached in to grab the casserole dish off the top rack. As you did so, you lifted your arm a bit too high and hit the side of your forearm on the interior roof of the oven. The temperature was ridiculously hot and the pain was immensely strong that you immediately pulled your arm back, the casserole long forgotten. 

Steve came running in at your string of curses and came in to see you holding your arm and hissing a bit as if that would relieve the pain. He walked closer to you as you leaned up against the island. Your husband delicately took your arm in his hand, raking his eyes over the burn that was soon to blister. 

After a short inspection, Steve placed his other hand on the small over your back and led you to the sink, flipping on the cold water and running it over your burn. Out of the corner of his eye, Steve could see you squeezing your own eyes shut in pain. 

“I know, sweetheart, it hurts, I’m sorry.” He continued to rinse your scalded skin, but turned his head to sweetly kiss your temple. 

A few minutes passed and Steve was content with the rinse job as you had finally opened your eyes, even engaging in some of your jokes that were always said at the wrong time. From the kitchen, the man guided you down the hallway, through your bedroom and into your joined bathroom. He sat you on the edge of the bathroom tub while rummaging through your unorganized medicine cabinet. It was barely ever touched and when it was, it was often in a state of panic hence the messiness of it. Fortunately, Steve found a tube of bacitracin and some cotton dressings from God knows how long ago. At this point he could care less and would rather have you cared for. 

You curiously watched him as he dug through the cabinet and a loving smile grew on your face. How lucky were you to have this man. You were really appreciative of him in times like these especially. 

Said man returned and crouched before you, distracting you from your thoughts as he softly grabbed your hand once more. 

The doctor worked his magic and in no time was your arm wrapped up and lathered in ointment.

“Wow Doc, you did a great job.” Steve was still holding your hand as you quietly giggled in content. He placed a kiss on top of your knuckles and peered up at you with those gorgeous (and borderline seductive) sapphire eyes. Chuckling, Steve murmured against your skin, “Only for my favorite patient.” 

As always, you decided to play along with Steve’s playful banter. “You’re not supposed to pick favorites, doc.” 

Your husband knew your clumsy nature and seemed to have the perfect response, “Trust me, if I didn’t, you’d be dead by now.”

With your non-injured hand you went to hit his shoulder and he grabbed it in faux hurt. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

“You know, Dr. Rogers, that is a violation and I can actually report you for it.” You lifted your line of sight to see Steve who looked back at you with his lips pressed in a fine line. He shook his head disapprovingly after reaching the end of the report and now looked like he was going to sit back in the seat beside your bed. 

“Hey, what are you doing? They already examined me and I am about to get released.” The man ignored you and instead leaned over the flimsy bed railing. Steve rubbed his hands together in a warming manner before placing two fingers on your next in an attempt to find your pulse. He unfortunately carried that common trait among doctors of having hands that were colder than that of a penguin’s ass. You knew very well this pulse check was useless as you were in conditional health and that he was probably doing this to annoy you. 

“Well I like to do a check of my own. It never hurts to get a second opinion, darling.” Blue eyes squinted at you and you returned the patronizing gesture. 

The free hand that was not on your neck had found its way to hold your own hand and when your husband pulled back, he wore a smug smirk on his lips. 

“Your pulse is a little high. Is it because I’m holding your hand?” 

“You know, your shoulders must hurt from carrying such a big head all the time.” Steve had the nerve to laugh at your elementary grade insult and even though you weren’t really mad, your face would have said otherwise to anyone else. 

“So I’ll take that as a yes then, wifey.” He then quickly dropped to press a chaste kiss to your lips before releasing your hand and sitting down in the chair. 

Looking to the clock on the wall, you focused your vision on the distant numbers to read that it was most likely Steve’s lunch break.

“Are you spending your lunch break with me?” Your tone was now sweet and soft as it usually was towards Steve and his heart leaped at the progress being made. 

“It seems that I am. ‘Was really looking forward to that chicken salsa, though.” A heap of blonde hair rested on your hand that Steve had now laid his head against, still holding tight with both of his own hands. You giggled at his dramatics and ruffled a free hand through his greasy hair. 

“I haven’t eaten anything, you think you could spend your lunch break with me?” His head popped up at this and his face held the eagerness of an energetic puppy. 

“Of course, sweetheart. We can head to the cafeteria. Hopefully they have something good for my girl.” It was now your turn for your heart to swell at his words. Not even a second later though, the sentimental moment was replaced with Steve’s usual sarcastic humor. 

“See, I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my precious chicken salsa just to have lunch with you. You should be grateful to have me as your husband.” Steve’s pearly whites beamed at you in a cheesy smile and you gave a dismissive wave of your hand. 

The two of you talked and enjoyed the rare time together for the next ten minutes until Steve noticed you shifting to sit up against the pillows. He thought nothing of it until suddenly you were throwing your legs over the side of the bed and making to get out of the so called cotton prison. 

Waving a finger, Steve tutted you and hurriedly scooped your legs back onto the bed. You looked absolutely peeved and Steve knew it was from the way that he was treating you like a child or better yet, a patient. His wife, the fighter and he, the doctor. Two unlikely personalities but ones that worked best together nonetheless. This made Steve laugh whenever he thought about it.

“You can get up the minute you get released by the doc, okay?” Caring eyes now gave you a pleading look and you felt a small tinge of guilt crawling up your chest at how mean you had been to your husband when he has only been trying to help. 

A knock on the wooden door signaled a visit from the one person you had been waiting on for what seemed to be ages. 

“Speak of the devil.” Muttering the phrase so only Steve could hear you gave him an “I told you so” kind of look. 

The Doctor looked up from the same clipboard as earlier to greet you once he made it in through the doorway, but he was surely surprised by the figure sitting in the chair beside you. 

“Oh Dr. Rogers, what a surprise! So this is your wife I presume? I guess I should have put two and two together,” Your doctor of the moment laughed with Steve who added in a chuckle or two of his own. 

“Yep, this is Mrs. Rogers!” Steve didn’t look at you, but lovingly squeezed your hand that was resting against his, “We are quite the handful so I am surprised you couldn’t tell that she was my other half.” A snicker ended his words and you couldn’t help but do the same. 

Once the short introductions were over, the doctor walked over to do a speedy final exam on what was necessary as Steve watched from the sidelines still getting used to the idea of not being the one doing the examination. He hadn’t been in any other position in the hospital for such a long time that it took some time to get used to the fact that he wasn’t the one diagnosing and rather waiting for the diagnosis. 

The doctor pulled away from hovering over you and now sat back on his rolling leather stool, scooting his way over to the computer and desk. 

“Well I must say, (y/n), that you definitely live up to some of the stories your husband tells.” The other man in the white coat finished up his typing before turning back around to face you and his colleague. 

“Ah, I hope he’s giving me some good street cred,” You teased and from the side you saw Steve shaking his head and chuckling under his breath. 

“I assure you that they were all good things.” With that, the doctor formally released you, walking out of the room to give you some time to redress and such.

You went to get out of the bed for the nth time, but finally succeeded. Your legs felt a bit wobbly upon the first step, and Steve noticed this. He came up to stand beside you and placed a hand on your lower back with the other out in front in case you did fall. Placing your own hand on his scrub clad chest to steady yourself, you silently thanked him with a tender pat. 

With Steve’s guidance, you went to change out of the wretched paper gown and into your shorts and shirt from working outside. It wasn’t exactly the most flattering outfit but at this moment you could care less for the only thing on your mind was getting out of this room.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

The ride in the elevator seemed to move slower than a snail and almost stopped on every floor. You were so crammed by the time you were only on the fifth floor that you used this as an excuse to lean up against Steve. He rubbed your arm and enveloped you in a side hug and planted a kiss on your head. The two of you never cared for PDA but neither of you had realized the onlooking eyes. 

You found it mildly comedic when some of your fellow passengers seemed disgusted that a doctor was handling a patient in such a way. It was definitely gonna be a joke for later on. 

Eventually you made it to the first floor and begrudgingly pushed yourself out of Steve’s warm embrace when the smell of garlic bread hit your nose. 

“Huh, they never cook spaghetti around here. They must know we have a special guest today.” Steve pressed his lips against your ear to jokingly whisper to you as he ushered you out the elevator doors. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Standing in line with a plastic tray at the cafeteria made you have flashbacks to middle school lunch and you shuddered at the thought. The memories played back in your mind like a movie and were interrupted (much to your relief) when Steve tapped your shoulder.

“You want this?” Steve held one of the plastic salad containers in hand, the white sleeve of his lab coat draped on top of the other stacked bowls in the open air freezer. 

You nodded and he placed it on your tray, slightly bumping your hips as he walked past to grab a drink.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

For a good twenty minutes, you and Steve sat in comfortable silence in one of the booths until clicking clogs came closer and closer. So close that a shadow loomed over your table conveying that someone was here to speak. 

“Dr. Rogers, I don’t think it’s entirely wise of you to have lunch with your patient. Actually, it’s quite inappropriate.” The older woman in burgundy scrubs pointed her gaze to the hospital band on your wrist and both you and Steve started laughing upon noticing. So that explained all the weird looks.

“Oh no, Dr. Williams! This is my wife (y/n),” You politely beamed up at the woman and set out your hand for a handshake. At this, her unenthusiastic expression changed to one of apologetic and she shook your hand with much grief as Steve continued on with his introductions. 

“(y/n), this is Dr. Williams. She is the medical director for my department.” 

“Wow! I’ve heard many wonderful things about you, Dr. Williams.” She went to return the praise before a beeping in her coat pocket signaled the time for her departure. 

“Duty calls, but I’ll have you know this one here never shuts up about you. It was nice to finally put a face to a name, (y/n),” You glanced at Steve and noticed he was sheepishly grinning and turning redder by the second. So much so that he was hiding his face in his palms.

““I hope you have a quick recovery as well, hon!” The standing woman gave you a nod of her head and then turned to your husband whose face had finally regained its color. “As for you Steven, I will see you later. You have another resident to deal with today.” Dr. Williams sighed at the thought, waving you both goodbye and soon enough she was out the double doors of the lunch room. 

“Ooh babe you’ll have to tell me how all of that goes.” Spooning some spaghetti into your mouth, you goofily raised your eyebrows at Steve. 

“Trust me, it is not fun at all. When I was a resident, I would have never acted like some of the people I’ve trained!” 

You snorted, “Uh huh. Sureee.” 

“No really,” Steve’s eyes widened and he leaned over the table like he was sharing some sort of secret with you, “The audacity of some of these people.” 

“I think you are just an old man now, Stevie, and can’t keep up with the times.” The blond screwed up his eyes and stuck his tongue out at you. 

“Oh hush and finish your food, Miss. ‘I am soooo young’.” A napkin flew at Steve’s chest and the two of you laughed at the childish antics that had just ensued. 

Just as both of your styrofoam containers became empty, an unpleasant ringer sounded in Steve’s pocket, just like the one of Dr. Williams’s departure. Once he gave the screen a swift peek, he looked back up at you with a long face. 

“You gotta go?” Golden strands bobbed up and down as Steve nodded and you grabbed his hand. 

“It’s alright! Thank you for spending the time with me today, though. I really appreciate it. Thanks for putting up with me, you know how I am sometimes.”  

The larger hand encompassing yours gave a sympathetic squeeze. 

“Oh darling, anytime, you know that. If you need anything, call me okay? I will try my best to answer.” 

The temporary silence that filled the room was now replaced by annoying buzzing from the device that Steve had silenced for the moment. He irritability took it out and shoved it back in his pocket. Normally this didn’t bother Steve because this was his job, but since you were here, having just been sick, he wanted nothing more than to drop everything and focus on you. Knowing that was impossible, he tried his best to juggle both yet it seemed that the world wasn’t gonna wait on him. 

“Do you want me to call Ma to come get you? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. Her and Dad love your company.” For the moment, Steve appeared to look like he was ignoring the constant beeping, but you knew internally he was already out of the cafeteria and sprinting down the halls.

“No no, I’m fine, honey,” The doctor stared at you as if he didn’t believe you. “I mean it, Steve. I am fine. Now shoo.” 

Dr. Rogers shared another laugh with you before pecking your lips and running out the room shouting, “I’ll see you later!” 

He really was too good for this world. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

a/n: i really enjoyed writing for doctor!steve, so if anyone has any ideas that involves him and that you’d like me to write, send it in! <3

taglist (is open!): @memissbee @tricereads @buckybarnesthehotshot @bval-1 @tonystankschild @just-one-ordinary-fangirl @turtoix @kelbabyblue @jakiki94 @aubreeskailynn @calirindo @lady-elena-adeline @siriuslyslyslytherin @sushiinmidnight @patzammit @iwik3it

[backseatloversz]

good brother jeffrey anderson headcanons :)

feat. some anderson family angst . sorry you've been warned<3

(jeffrey? jeffery? jeff.)

he's only two years older than todd, a freshman in college when todd starts at welton, and they've always gotten along well, and talking has always come easy

this talking def includes complaining about their parents. jeff has never liked the way ppl compare todd to him, the way his parents are awfully neglectful, and he's always done his best to make this known

jeff teaches todd card games on rainy days. i think ive said this one before and yes its simple but its very Near and Dear to me

todd likes 2 draw. he insists sports should be left up to jeff and that he wants to be left alone to read and draw and such, but eventually good brother todd anderson caves and lets jeff drag him outside to learn soccer

which. he does end up enjoying. bc jeff is all nice about it and insistent on getting him to have fun!!

and now hes good at soccer. good for him

jeff has always been like that; encouraging him to try new things, but never forcing it

he's always been fine with todd's shyness, taking it in stride when todd asks if he can order food for him, or come with him to talk to a teacher. and he never minds when todd isnt in the mood to talk, content to listen to jeff or just exist together, hanging out in one of their rooms to study, read, draw, or do whatever else kids did back then

jeff is the first person todd ever comes out to

its the summer before 10th grade and he disappeared with a boy during a party he got jeff to take him to. on the drive back jeff asks him abt it, prefacing by saying hes not gonna judge or tell anyone, he just wants to know his little brother is being safe. now which was it. drugs or sex. no one looks as flushed as u do if it was nothing. and todd laughs, saying it was neither, really, he kissed me and we talked

after that jeff loves to tease him about boys whenever he gets the chance, and todd returns the favor, teasing him abt girls and boys, bc hes the one that goes to an all boys school, so.. like.. and jeff always jsut... Shrugs....

that aside

when jeff was at welton and todd was at balincrest, jeff always looked forward to the days he could see todd, and in the meantime they wrote often, even if they didnt have much to say

sometimes todd just sends him lil drawings he's made or a nice quote from a book he's reading :-)

alright now time 4 post-canon

todd starting at welton and jeff starting at college made them both pretty busy, they didnt rly get a chance to write much the first few months

sidenote; neil had always been on jeff's radar. they were the same, in a lot of ways; popular golden kid praised for being at the top of his class, maybe they had a couple extracurriculars together

canon compliant;

when jeff comes home for winter break, he can immediately tell something is wrong. sure, todd is a quiet kid, but never like this. conversation is stilted and, eventually, todd quietly leaves when his father asks him about exams. nobody makes a scene, and still neither of his parents will tell him anything, so jeff leaves, too, and knocks on todd's door softly

todd lets him in, and catches him up on ... everything. he must be in shock, at this point, cause it all comes out calm, distant. its not til he admits he loved neil that his voice catches

good brother jeffrey anderson is one thing todd has over neil. someone to confide in at home, someone to tell him he'd make just as big of an awful impact neil did if he were to do something reckless, regardless of the fact he was never anything like neil, never anything like jeff

at this point, jeff is only 20. he's practically a kid himself, reeling from shock over the neglect of his parents, no clue how to deal with this kind of thing, but he does his best, and that seems to be good enough

alright. that's enough of that time for happy canon divergence

the first day of winter break, todd is uncharacteristically giddy, more than happy to answer their dad's questions about how the school year's gone. after dinner he finally gets the chance to drag jeff away, tell him he has a boyfriend now, neil perry, you remember him?? and jeff, ofc, is very very happy for him, and loves how excited todd is to catch him up on the past few months, proud to hear how he's come out of his shell and gotten into writing and stuff :))

after winter break they do get into writing to each other again, and jeff loves the casual updates of how neil's doing, too

in both universes he's more than supportive of todd thru his senior year and dreams of being a writer. in a world where neil lives, he takes him under his wing, too, starts writing to him almost as much as todd and is eager to hear about acting, loves going to his shows whenever he can. and he def doesnt cry when, a few years after college, neil and todd are still living together and he gets invited to their wedding, of sorts. more just an opportunity to talk about how much they love each other all dressed up with their closest friends, but, whatever.

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding X

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

Part I - - - - - Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV - - - - - Part V - - -  - - Part VI - - - - - Part VII - - - - - Part VIII - - - - - Part IX

“I realize this is incredibly difficult,” the Nautolan Soul Healer said calmly. “But in order for us to help Obi-Wan, we need to determine the cause of his current disconnection with reality. Based on the drug panel, and convenient surveillance, we have, to the best of our ability, ruled out temporary psychosis brought on by a drug interaction.”

Cody stiffened further, not sure how to react to anything anymore. When a brother tried to end his own life, it was usually obvious why.

Sife Aerdo continued on. “There have, of course, been cases of Jedi Seers giveing into their fears of the future, or losing their sense of reality, but every case study involving such an extreme reaction was the result a gradual degradation over the course of many years. Nevertheless, it seems clear that Obi-Wan experienced a vision, and it may have impacted his breakdown to some extent. The more we know, the more successful any attempts to convince him of reality will be.”

Bant furrowed her brow in thought, trying to replay three decades of increasingly vague discussions of nightmares.

��Considering the high profile nature of his position, we cannot rule out some kind of psychological attack, perhaps even a darksider incursion.

Anakin leaned forward intently, the inside of his skull buzzing with white noise.

"All that being said, we must be prepared to treat Obi-Wan’s self harm as the  culmination of a long and quiet mental health struggle. He would not be the first in the Order to disguise such a thing with durasteel self-discipline.”

At that, Bant and Mace took a moment to release their feelings to the force, while Anakin raised his shields defensively.

Master Aerdo finally hesitated, before continuing in the same smooth tone. “I would ordinarily prefer to structure this kind of conversation quite differently- allow Obi-Wan time to share his feelings first and invite you each separately to support him in the healing process. But he’s gone from fighting sedatives and force compulsions as though the fate of the galaxy depended on it, to a self-induced coma. All while barely lucid, yet still somehow maintaining Master Class mental shielding. We need to get a better understanding of his mental landscape if we’re going to even begin the process of treatment."

It is necessary to note that everyone in that room had led, in one way or another, a somewhat miserable life. This was the main reason none of them could claim that the next five hours were the worst they had ever experienced. 

“But he’s always had terrible sleeping habits.” Anakin said hoarsely.

“Yes, but I think they got worse after Qui-Gon passed,” Bant argued, not sure what point she was making. 

“When I pointed out he couldn’t be getting more than three hours a night he told me that he could manage on meditation” Cody offered irritably.

“That’s technically true,” Mace confirmed. “If the Master in question is well-balanced otherwise”

“So its like his eating habits, crushing responsibilities, and repeated exposure to violence, then? Completely fine for a Jedi, in less it’s not, in which case it’s a major red flag?” 

“I think it would help to establish a timeline.“

Aerdo actually dredged up old mission reports, leading to the group reluctantly contacting Ashoka for her memories of Mortis.

At her Master’s insistence, she told them everything she remembered, hazy as it was, nervously elaborating on her own memories of falling. To her confusion, Master Windu all but brushed past that, assuring her that the important thing with stepping into darkness was the choice to the return to the light. Anakin bizarrely agreed with Windu. Out loud. Unnerved by the cooperation more than anything, she put her holographic foot down and demanded to know what was going on. 

Anakin took the comm-link into a separate room to speak privately.

Upon return, he informed the group (with a visibly red and puffy face) that Kit would be escorting her back from Mount Cala cleanup early, daring anyone to disagree. Windu nodded and the conversation continued on.

Together they rewatched holo-footage of Obi-Wan laughing amongst Ghost company the night before last, and debated reports from psychometric investigators who had scoured the cantina as well as Obi-Wan’s personal quarters for traces of illicit substances. Between that and another drug panel, they were finally forced to conclude that despite the timing, the alcohol at most confused Obi-Wan’s perception of a vision, or possibly simply loosened his tongue.

Bant prodded Cody to repeat every word from the holocar ride to the temple, taking furious notes. Cody was unable to stop the heat that crawled up his face.

Just when the looming horror of Obi-Wan actually preparing to intentionally die started to break over Anakin, Windu interjected.

“You don’t see what I do,” the Harun Kal said grimly. “Something galaxy-sized shattered around Obi-Wan and he didn’t break from it. The closest comparison I have is Master Yaddle’s presence when she meditated on her confinement. He’s chosen to keep going, even when, quite frankly, death would be a release. We’re missing something fundamental.”

“He said there were ‘other dark forces at work.’ Even if the fight was objectively hopeless... there’s no way he would choose to die because of it!” Anakin agreed vehemently, shaking off morbid fears.

“But he did choose to die.” Cody said quietly. And the wind went out of Anakin’s sails.

“Lets go back.”

Anakin gritted his teeth as they picked apart everything ‘unusual’ Obi-Wan had said and done leading up to his visit with Bant.

“What exactly did he...”

“So Plo Koon was able to get a read through his shields?”

“Did he have anything to eat?”

“How did that compare to...”

“When he's mentioned things in the future...did it seem good or bad to you?” Bant asked.

“Bad.” Cody and Anakin said in unison. Remembering the trip to the temple Cody spoke again, “Definitely bad.”

“Right. When we were talking he sometimes used the wrong tenses for things, people. I confronted him on not knowing ‘when’ he was after Knight Skywalker left. He told me that he knew what was real, but he was “enjoying not fully living in the moment” he also said that he intended to “wake up”

“Enjoying? That’s the exact word he used?” Cody asked incredulous. 

“He did seem...mostly happy yesterday. Giddy, at points.” Anakin said, slumping in on himself.

Bant looked at her notes once more before addressing the group.

“This isn’t vision psychosis in any manner I’ve heard of before...but I think I might have a theory. He used to have intense visions when we were kids; plenty of us did sometimes, but Obi-Wan would be unable to sleep after. What terrified him more than anything was the uncertainty that he might make the wrong choice- even when the vision was about something good, or neutral. His visions gradually stopped coming around puberty. We just had a conversation about this a few months ago- how relieved he was to only have to manage flashes of precognition. If he had a random, horrifying vision of a terrible future...suicide wouldn’t be his reaction. It’s too final.”

“Even if he blamed himself for what he saw coming?” Mace asked.

“Especially if he blamed himself.” Bant said. 

“What’s your theory?” Aerdo prodded.

“What if...what if he was telling the truth when he said he could separate out what was real and what was not? What if there was no distortion or blurring between now and then? What if he was just wrong about which was which?”

“That...would be a very extreme and abnormal manifestation of force-induced psychosis. He has training in distinguishing reality from visions. The continued presence of his mental shielding means that the fabric of his mind can’t be so horrifically collapsed in on itself.” 

“What if the vision was actually that realistic?” Bant said, pushing back against the soul healer. “So detailed and vivid that it effectively was a reality in itself, and everything else, all of us...”

“Were just memories” Anakin finished. “It would...actually explain pretty much everything. You said he wanted to wake up and when...when I found him.” He stopped, swallowing. “When I found him, he argued with me...what if he wasn’t trying to hurt himself? If you’re right...that would mean I found him trying to get back to reality.”

“It could explain his behavior in the halls...his desperation to wake...” Sife mused “But it runs counter to every other experience I’ve had with those managing prophetic visions. Master Windu, could that explain the shatterpoints you saw?”

“I’m not certain. It would have to have been extraordinarily real to create the echos of Shattering I witnessed. I don’t know if that depth of vision has occurred before, but then again, many things are possible in the force.”

“You really think he might have been...trying to wake up from dream? By killing himself?!” Cody asked incredulous.

“If that ends up being what happened I am going to give him such shit. That is the worst way to end a vision.” Anakin replied.

“Yes. It is.” Bant said pointedly. “That’s why it’s a last resort, after every other attempt to wake fails.” 

They all sat in silence, processing various implications. Cody was unnerved by another terrifying insight into force powers, as well as the idea that the General might vividly remember Cody being inexplicably mind-controlled into trying to kill him. Anakin was trying to understand what this would mean for them, and the conversations he had thought they had had. Did...any of it count, if he thought he was offering it to a hallucination?

“Alright, this is a valuable working idea, but let’s make sure to examine everything with an open mind before we draw any more conclusions. Anakin, what happened after you left the healers office?”

Obi-Wan’s critique of the practicalities of visiting a soul healer could be and was interpreted multiple ways. The incongruity of peacekeepers in war sparked a rehash of earlier discussion. More apologies. Self identifying as ‘crazy’ inspired new debate, especially in the context of the new theory. 

“When I saw him enter the fountain room I assumed he had had a brutal run-in with  dark force user.” Windu explained. “Based on everything we’ve gone over, I don’t understand when...but some of the more insidious sith compulsions work by taking whatever small anger or hurt you feel and magnifying them until they consume you. If Obi-Wan was already experiencing self loathing...”

Cody sucked in a breath. “Then a Sith mind suggestion would bring him to commit suicide. It...sounds like something he might do, if he was partially in control. Take the blow rather than let himself be used as a weapon against anyone else, even his worst enemy.”

“Hells, it could have been an even vaguer compulsion, driving him to attack the person he hates the most,” Bant added darkly.

Anakin buried his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. He couldn’t afford to lose control or get angry. Hells, getting angry at Obi-Wan for ‘failing him’ when in pain could be the reason Obi-Wan was currently in the healing halls. The man said he loved him unconditionally, then practically had a breakdown over how much Anakin pushed that unconditional love to the breaking point, then killed himself. How was he supposed to-

“Anakin? Are you alright to continue?” someone said.

“Yes. No. There’s more I have to tell you...I don’t know if it will help but - it was hurting Obi-Wan...I...”

“Let’s just take it one step at a time. What happened after you left Mace?”

Apparently even Cody somehow knew more about Bruck Chun than Anakin. Master Windu and Eerin told different sides of the same sad story, which spiraled back into a conversation about Obi-Wan’s inadequacy issues, which somehow devolved into a long rant about Qui-Gon Jinn that Master Windu had apparently been holding back for years. 

“My apologies.” He said afterwards, clearing his throat as the group stared, taken aback. “Old grievances. Go on Anakin, what did happened after you got to the ‘secret spot.’”

“He...was skirting around whatever was bothering him...I pushed him...told him I wanted to help...he said I couldn’t...because it was me...because of what I...”

Anakin stood up suddenly, feeling the walls of the room closing in.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry I-” 

He ran out.

He turned around almost immediately, pacing in the small corridor, knowing he couldn’t leave, simply needing a minute to catch his breath.

Master Windu followed him out after a moment, not saying anything, just standing there. Watching him.

“What!” Anakin finally snapped. “What do you have to say that I don’t know already!”

“Knight Skywalker-”

“Don’t call me that! I DON’T DESERVE-” 

Anakin let out a frustrated snarl, punching a wall. The crumble of stone beneath this fist briefly made him feel better, but then he remembered Obi-Wan’s heartbroken expression in the light of an underworldly glow, and the tiny, choked sound he heard when the healers moved him and Anakin just...collapsed, falling to his knees.

Master Windu sank down gracefully beside him.

“Anakin. This isn’t about attachment issues, is it.”

“Not really, no. I mean, maybe you’ll blame attachment but it’s more about...”

“Anger.”

Anakin looked up at that, trying to regain the meditative calm he had felt for a glimmering moment yesterday, right in-between making peace in the cave and everything burning to ash. 

“You know that I have had my own struggles with anger. It is how and why I came to develop Vaapad.” 

“Yes, but you’ve Mastered your anger. And you’ve never...never given in to hate.”

A beat passed and Windu watched some of Skywalker’s familiar breaking points flicker into view. 

“You’ve done something. Something you know the Jedi won’t forgive.”

“Obi-Wan forgave me.” Anakin said, whispering. “He said that even though I couldn’t fix what I did he loved me anyway and I just needed to...to honestly regret what I did and not do it again. I told him I’d get rid of my lightsaber and I meant it and...I thought he forgave me. I was ready to go to the Council with him, come clean about everything. And then I left him alone to get dinner and when I came back...he was holding my lightsaber. My lightsaber.” 

Anakin buried his face in his hands, shuddering with creeping cold.

“I’m not going to critique your and Obi-Wan’s attachment to each other right now. I’m well aware that much of the order has turned to personal ties to maintain their stability given the ongoing horrors of war. I am, for many reasons, wary of the risks this brings us, yet it is also true that risks do not automatically mean failure. I myself have mastered my emotions in a different manner than conventional wisdom councils.” 

Windu spoke carefully. For all that he and Anakin had similar relationships with the force, they rarely saw eye to eye on any given subject. At a certain point, Mace had accepted that the volatile young man was determined to find the worst possible interpretation for anything he said. And Mace was not the order’s most patient diplomat.

“As for your crime, whatever it is, l will tell you this: Unless you choose to renounce the code and leave our number, you will be treated as a Jedi Knight, subject to our protections, as well as our judgement. You will receive appropriate mental counseling. If you are judged to be a danger to those around you, your actions will be curtailed and monitored, possibly through temporary confinement.  The Jedi do not believe in punitive measures for their own sake, but you may be required to provide restitution to those you harmed, perhaps indefinitely. 

Silence hung perilously between them. Windu watched a tremor run through the unfathomable kaleidoscopic of shatterpoints that had orbited Skywalker since he was a boy. A small one broke inward, and an attached tangle of larger, darker ones fell away, crumbling to dust. The rest faded from view, invisible for the moment. A choice had been made, some decision that closed off at least one path to the darkside.

“There’s no one to make restitutions to.”

“...You’re going to have to elaborate on that.”

“Let’s go back inside- I don’t want to do this twice.”

They returned to the increasingly hated meeting room.

Anakin spoke in an outpouring of words about love and hate, about misplaced revenge and now uncertain forgiveness. When he finally finished, the room was deathly silent.

The three Jedi sat quietly while Cody pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess this is why Jedi have the no attachment rule, huh? I admit I never really got it, but I suppose even if I-”

Bant abruptly lunged up, fumbling to bring her lightsaber to Anakin’s neck. Everyone jumped to their feet, except for Anakin, who stared at Bant with a wretched expression.

“MASTER EERIN! This is not-”

“Did you do it?” she asked, ignoring the Master of the Order.

“Bant!”

“It was my first thought after I saw him. We all rushed in expecting a fight, or a bomb, only to find you, insane, and him with a hole next to his heart. I didn’t want to believe it of course, but you’ve always had a violent streak that Obi-Wan, force help him, couldn’t quite soothe away. A fight gone wrong. Master Windu said it was suicide, and I believed him, and I’ve been trying to make sense of that ever since. But Mace found you after, didn’t he? After you felt guilty? Did you think he was going to turn on you?”

“Bant Eerin, you are dangerously-”

“No.” Anakin whispered.

“Obviously I might be why. But I didn’t- I couldn’t. I know I’m not good but I can’t even imagine- holding a saber against him like that. Kriff, do you not get how much I can’t handle losing people I love? I was insane when you saw me because I saw someone trying to kill Obi-Wan and I couldn’t even fight them.”  

Bant held his gaze for several lingering seconds, deactivated her saber and dropping it with a clatter. They stared at each other, breathing heavily and not blinking. She returned to her seat, moving jerkily. “I apologize Knight Skywalker. That was uncalled for.” 

“I wish I could say I wouldn’t have done the same thing in your shoes” he responded lowly. Bant made a tiny, unintelligible noise in reply. 

Cody collapsed back into his chair, holstering his blaster.  “Alright then...so after you finished sitting in the fountain room...what happened next?”

Everyone stared at him.

“What?”

“You’re handling Anakin’s confession somewhat dispassionately. We’re simply surprised.” Mace said slowly, returning to his seat at the same time as Master Aerdo fell into theirs.

Cody shifted uncomfortably. “The vod were trained in a wide range of enemy suppression tactics. While we’re extremely glad the Jedi have never asked us to employ them, I’m not...unfamiliar with this scale of deliberate slaughter. At least in the hypothetical, sir.”

“I see.” Aerdo said. “That is a valuable insight to have, thank you. Knight Skywalker-”

“Just...call me Anakin. Or Skywalker.”

“Anakin. When did this happen?”

“About two years ago, immediately before the First Battle of Geonosis.”

“And have you had any similar experiences with giving into the darkside since?” they asked placidly.

“I don’t think so but...we went to war the next day and....I don’t know if I’ve stopped fighting since it- since I did what I did.”

“Hmm. Anakin, would you mind stepping outside the room and waiting in the corridor for a moment please?” 

He bit his tongue, tasting blood, and quietly walked out the door while the Masters decided his fate. He leaned back against a wall, desperately wanting to see Padme. 

To his surprise, the door opened barely a few minutes later, and he was politely invited back in.

“Anakin.” Master Windu spoke. “Thank you for telling us this. It’s an important insight into Obi-Wan’s feelings right now, and I recognize that you could have kept it a secret. As Head of the Order, and with the advice of a Senior Soul Healer, I have made a decision. You will be assigned a personal soul healer, who you will start seeing tomorrow. Commander Cody pointed out that over nearly two years of continuous warfare, you have maintained some of the the lowest trooper casualty units of any division, by a significant margin if we evaluate based on mission risk level. Your civilian and enemy casualties will be reviewed, but even considering constant war, since your massacre of the Tuskens, you have clearly managed to at least... direct your violence away from the innocent. We do not consider you a threat to the inhabitants of the world. For the time being, I see no real benefit to limiting or tracking your behavior within the temple or on planet, but you are barred from leaving orbit. I have decided to delay a full reckoning before the council until such time that your former Master is well enough to provide his own opinion. Give me just cause, and I will have you confined to a force-suppressing cell. Do you understand?”

Anakin nodded, bowing in acknowledgment. All things considered, it was...honestly better than he expected.

“Now, as Cody” Windu paused. “My apologies, as the Commander was saying-” 

“Cody’s fine, sir” Cody said, wrung out in a way different from anything Kamino had trained him for.

“...I think we can all consider ourselves on a first name basis at this point.” Bant said with a snort. She paused. “That includes you Anakin. I really don’t know how to handle what you did but kark it, I don’t want to hate you. For myself.”

Everyone nodded.

“As Cody was saying, what happened next?”

Peace. Comfort. Hunger. A warning in the force...

-

“I tried to pull the saber back but his finger was already on the igniter...” 

“You probably saved his life. Even a second later-”

“I know, that’s almost the worst part.”

-

“-his neck”

“Why would he change weapons?”

“What if-”

-

“He said what to you and Healer Che?”

“That has to support the detailed vision idea, think about-”

“I’m sorry, Emperor?”

-

“I think we’re done.”

Anakin stared blankly at Sife. “But we didn’t figure anything out.”

“Not conclusively, but we’re unlikely to make any more progress, you’ve given me enough information to preform a meaningful meditative scan, or guide a conversation, should Obi-Wan wake, or navigate through his mind, should we decide to make a more decisive attempt at his shields.”

“Master Aerdo... I leave the final judgement up to you, but I strongly urge you to make a more decisive attempt. I am more convinced now than I was...” Mace glanced at the chronometer “five hours ago that this was motivated by a specific, external stimuli, likely dark. Do you disagree?”

“No.” they said with a sigh. “But I don’t want to underestimate how much underlying factors might have contributed to his response to stimuli, including underlying factors that none of you were aware of.”

The Nautolan Soul Healer stood up, tucking their hands into their sleeves to address the room with classical Jedi serenity. It was a little irritating.

“In any case, we all need to sleep, eat, and meditate. Master Eerin, you have the rest of the day off, I've cleared it with Master Che already. Master Windu, I leave the final judgement up to you, and I am aware that your duties as Master of the Order are unceasing, but I urge you to take some time to center yourself before returning to the council. Commander Cody, I would be more than willing to arrange soul healing for you or any of the Vod, please let me know. Anakin, you will receive a comm later today with further details on your future healing sessions. 

They bowed low, then glided out the door.

Bant stood next, bowed individually to each soul, and sped walked out.

Commander Cody cleared his throat awkwardly, “Mace- what should I tell the troops? We’re supposed to have command briefings later tonight.”

“If anyone asks about General Kenobi, tell them its classified.” I’ll schedule a briefing on the subject. Now go find Captain Rex and take care of yourself, that’s an order.”

Cody saluted, first to the high General, then to Anakin.

Finally it was just Mace and Anakin.

“Is there anyone who you trust who I can call to stay with you.” Master Windu asked.

“I can manage on my own” Anakin replied, not willing to give the Master of the Order anything else he could use against him, even after everything.

Master Windu held back a sigh.

He continued once more, making a deliberate attempt to soften his tone. “Anakin- I know we’ve had our differences, but this is not a trick, nor a trap. You’ve suffered a series of great shocks in the last 24 hours and handled them with immense maturity. I myself am struggling to deal with the emotional fallout.”

Anakin looked up at that, surprised. He didn’t seem to be struggling, but maybe that was what made him a good Jedi Master...

“As I told you before, I am not going to begrudge you the comfort of attachment. I’m rather convinced it would do you more harm than good at this point. I don’t want you flying right now, and you don’t have to be alone. I hope we have come to a better understanding today, but I doubt my presence is suddenly a comfort, though please correct me if I’m wrong. Now is there someone I can call?”

-

Padme ended her call with Master Windu extremely discomfited. She had barely heard from Anakin since he ran out on her the night before last to take care of an apparently extremely drunk Obi-Wan. He had messaged her a few times that night, promising to make it up to her, but had been comm-silent since. She had been starting to get worried, and now the Master of the Order was asking her to pick him up from the temple. Fortunately, she had already cleared most of her meetings for the week well in advance (Courascant leave usually meant THEM time, not that she was jealous of Obi-Wan, of course).

The speeder ride back from the temple was silent. All Anakin would say was that he would explain everything once they were in ‘a secure location.’ 

The door to the apartment had scarcely closed behind them when Anakin fell into her arms, shaking.

“Anakin, talk to me love, what’s wrong?” She gently guided him to the couch, arranging him so she could hold him protectively.

“Obi-Wan tried to kill himself.”

She let out a harsh gasp, “No! He can’t have, he would never-” 

“I got to him in time, but Padme... he was holding a lightsaber to his heart. It was...really close” He burrowed deeper into the folds of her dress, and she gripped him fiercely.

“Oh gods, is he-”

“He’s physically healing, but he’s still...not all there. I spent all of today locked in a room, trying to figure out if it was a Sith Attack, or an insane vision, or..or me”

“Anakin! What do you mean ‘me’ - Obi-Wan loves you, you-”

“I know.” Anakin interrupted her again, knowing he was being unfair; he was just too exhausted to be patient.

“He told me loved me. He...he...found out about what I did to the Tusken village, You should have seen his face, Padme, he was horrified, but he still told me he loved me, and he was willing to forgive me, even though he shouldn’t”

“Of course he forgave you,” Padme whispered. “You’re not a monster, Anakin, I know you would never do something like that again.”

"And then after we talked, I left him alone and he-” Anakin choked out into her dress.

Tears ran down her face, heart breaking. “That’s- that’s horrible. Anakin...it must have have been a attack, Obi-Wan wouldn’t do that.” she said urgently.

He pulled away, horrified. “I made you cry. I made Obi-Wan cry too. I’m sorry- Padme please, promise me you won’t-”

She grabbed the sides of his head. 

Her nails bit into the soft skin behind his ears as she pulled him down so they were face-to-face, vowing, “Never. I swear by the force itself, I will never choose death over life.”

He let out a relieved sigh, eyes fluttering closed.

“Now you,” she demanded

“As long as I have anyone to live for, I swear by the force, I will never choose death over life.”

She pulled him the rest of the way in for a bruising kiss. He lifted her, and they desperately clung at one another as he carried her to bed. They continued like that, clinging and grasping, until exhaustion carried him to sleep. She pulled the covers over top them both and curled around him defensively as the day slowly faded away.

Part XI