#one day ill be here posting about how i finally fucking finished it

[retrospectislame]

yknow i never used to understand why people would complain about how long homestuck is, but now i get it. now i fucking get it

[andhumanslovedstories]

I’ve been struggling lately with the feeling that my job is pointless. Intellectually I know it is not—nursing is one of those professions where you get to be real smug about knowing the value of your work. But it’s still felt very pointless. Like I’ll start a shift thinking, “what am I even doing here,” and end it thinking, “what have I actually even done.” It’s been a ROUGH couple months.

But I had a really good shift last time I worked, which was good for the soul and also a very useful data point. I got to do pain management advocacy and symptom management, met a bunch of cool patients, did education for new nurses, and had several long heart to hearts, which the kind of midnight heart to hearts that I think are the most important part of night shift, all of that while being well staffed with very pleasant and appreciative patients and coworkers, and I was still like. Pretty depressed. I had a sense of satisfaction and moments of joy and meaning, but it turns out that one good shift did not cure the depression that has been latched on to me for the last few months like some kind of fucked up mental health leech. As I realized I was still depressed and that it was still interfering with my life even when everything was going well, the sense of peace washed over me was the best I’d felt in a while. Because I was like, okay! None of my usual stuff as worked! I have no excuse not to try something new to get my brain out of the shit ditch it’s slipped into.

So I’m applying for short-term disability. I’m worried I won’t get it, and I’m not sure what the next step is if I get rejected, but I feel so much better having decided to pursue it. It’s so much fuckin paperwork for sure, to a degree that’s overwhelming except that that the form could be a checkbox that says, “you want money?” and I’d be like “THIS IS TOO MUCH.” I’m totally not writing this post instead of finishing an email to my manager. I’m definitely not writing this post to avoid dealing with coordinating all my various care providers. I’m certainly not at every moment worried that I’m secretly faking all this so I can get three to nine weeks of a cool summer vacation.

I was thinking about how I almost flunked nursing school in my final semester because I turned in assignments late for a class with a “no late homework” policy. The professor said that this was reflective of real life, where if you miss deadlines you’re just fucked. I ended up appealing my grade and passing, because frankly it was a weak reason for making me repeat a final semester when there was no issues with my actual work or knowledge. During my appeal, I was like “I also think this policy is ableist. Harsh penalties for late work hurt students with health problems, especially chronic health problems when you aren’t asking for one week off due to the flu but instead for a general and never ending flexibility. I’m not trying to make an excuse but explain why this policy is a bad one. Disabled healthcare workers are an asset to healthcare.” I’m trying to remember my own argument as I pursue help. My depression and ADHD and eating disorder do help me be a better nurse, not because like depression gives you superpowers, but because I manage my chronic illnesses every day, in ways that range from hardly noticeable to life or death. Being kind to patients means being kind to myself, and vice versa.

I’m rambling. I really do not want to do this paperwork or send these emails. And I’m not sure if I deserve the leave I’m trying to take. But I miss being love with my job. I miss enjoying it. I wouldn’t judge someone else for going on medical leave, and my job doesn’t want me to burn out or quit. It almost feels like I have to be skeptical of applying for leave because no one else is. Everyone I’ve spoken to has been very supportive, including my manager. And considering how many unpaid days off I’ve had to take lately, disability leave would be an improvement over some of my recent paychecks. All in all, short-term disability makes sense and seems like a reasonable response to circumstances. But FUCK. I wish it required like 90 percent less documentation.

[sourpatchsquids]

I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IN STARS AND TIME FOR A SECOND

Okay i just finished watching my girlfriend play ISAT and I felt the urge to dig into the music a little bit and lost a whole day to it. So i think i have to post about it. General spoilers below, read at your own risk.

Ok so Im gonna talk about the title theme and one other song here, which is a secret for later. (This part took like 2 hours to cobble together ill post the other one tomorrow)

In the first statement of the melody, we have a very bog standard i -> III -> IV -> Cadential 6/4 moti-- wait a second.

With where these lines intersect, the A in the middle voice actually dips below the bass voice for the statement of this chord, which means that the chord lands in a second inversion. You wouldn't normally put a i6/4 just after a cadential 6/4 unless you were actively trying to make the resolution feel weaker for some reason. As if you intentionally wanted the listener to not feel a strong sense of returning to the tonic.

When the strings come in we are treated to lush root position 7th and 9th chords to really feel magical and detached from ourselves. Just as well, that cadential 6/4 turns into an entire tonicization for A major! I adore the way the strings milked the motion down from D to C# to C, its a perfect suspension of the old tonic into the tonicized dominant :>. The themes of not feeling at home continue from here. We get the briefest glimpse of a happy A major chord in measure 8 before we lose any sight of an A that feels at home in the harmony. Measure 10's A in the melody is completely unsupported by the G major chord underneath, and the only A's to play in measure 11 are in the bass and the frenetic synth line bouncing between left and right panning, as the upper string descend to a G and the melody completely skips over the A in otherwise stepwise line. I wonder why home is so hard to latch onto in this piece? You're only ever able to grab onto it for a little bit at a time, when you even know what you're listening for.

As we approach the end of the phrase, we finally get a reasonable resolution to the tonic! We made it! However, it is nowhere near as harmonically pleasing as it should sound. Even with the faster pulse flipping back and forth between the ears and the actual stepwise enclosure of the tonic, when a tonic chord finally rings it quickly darts back, and what we get is empty. The 3rd of the tonic is played for the length of a eighth note and is quickly kicked out of our aural memory by the staccato E in the same instrument. And then all previous accompaniment leaves, save for the strings, as the piano enters to play one last statement of the B theme. The title theme makes very clear, we are allowed to approach home, but we are not allowed to linger. As quickly as a taste of it comes about, we realize how much it tastes like nothing.

Finally, we are rewarded with another cluster of A's and E's to leave us feeling empty and full of ennui. Truly we are meant to interpret this piece as Siffrin feeling lost and alone, no home to return to, nowhere to truly rest. That about wraps up my analysi-- hey wait a fucking second.

HEY WHAT THE FUCK.

If you listen at the very end, the strings jump back up to a D chord at the very end of the piece. D, the key we originally thought we were in. This single chord completely recontextualizes the entire piece and im not kidding in the slightest. If everything that happened while we thought A was the home key was actually just elaborating the dominant, then what does it actually mean? And more importantly, why is it so quiet? What is the purpose of the final D chord, the actual end chord of the piece, when it is so removed from what feels like the real ending of the piece. It's as though it's being intentionally kept at bay, as if we as listeners are actively pushing it away. It's like song itself doesn't want to really end.

Oh.

Studio Thumpy Puppy, if any of you ever read this, please know that I am in absolute awe of your ability to bake in the themes of the story into 42 seconds of music.

Not only does the title theme convey Siffrin's emotional pain from not being able to remember his home country, it manages to tell the listener the crux of the plot before a single line of exposition hits the screen. Siffrin doesn't want his party to leave him alone, he doesn't want their journey to end. He is so desperate to prevent his party from returning home without him that he breaks the structure of the piece, hides the final chord, from his own god damn opening theme. To stop the journey from ending.

If you've gotten this far, please support the artists behind this amazing game. If you haven't bought and played ISAT yet, go do it, and while you're here, also buy the soundtrack. Give these people money!! They're really good at what they do!

Next up: We're With You! Look forward to it, it's also amazing.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hiiiiiiiiiiii. How are you? What are you up to? Been in a reading slump again. The year is not going well i blame Jimin. Alot been happening

1)why can’t i get into succession? I dont understand i have watched ep 1 3 times and i can’t get into it 🤦🏾‍♀️

2) is hybe ok? I am confused and also yes to drama entertain me i guess

3)i only have been here for some of shinee military service and Taemin(obviously), are military man allowed to do what i have been seeing posting on social media, doing promo?

4) your faves are taking this military life under the radar 18 months too seriously, show me your face 😡

5) also i was looking at Jimin video from when Jk went to cook for him(idc what they are but if i had someone like Jungkook i would be married) i understand why jungkook is obsessed with Jimin. I too would go cook after a concert tired for him, i too would be a pick me for him, i too want to be rejected time after time on live when i offer to go to his house. Not even too fuck him ill be content just to sit there and look at him bonus if he could throw me some cuddles. Can you tell im jealous? Im not 😈

Hiiiiiii @5813!!!! It's always lovely to hear from you 🩷

Thanks for sectioning your ask, it makes this so much easier.

1) Don't force yourself, perhaps it's simply not the right time. Or it will never be. There's plenty others to choose from.

I was in a similar situation many years ago when I tried to watch The Sopranos and I couldn't get past the first episode. I found it boring and not as entertaining as Goodfellas or The Godfather. Fast forward, I just finished the series last night and I can finally say that I too have watched one of the greatest series of American television. I can finally understand the jokes and the references. And now, perhaps at my current age and just my mood in general, I could sit down and get immersed into it.

2) All is not ok in Hybe land and I personally have no concern for it. Let them all fight. It's never sunshines and rainbows in the corporate world.

3) Hmm, I have to say that I have had some similar questions about this too. Let's say I can accept that projects finalized before enlistment can be released during military service (I'm not willing to go into another debate on this specifically, I've had enough of it, case closed). But posting on social media about said projects? I find it odd and I'm not sure what the rules are. I haven't heard of any negative consequences for them, so what do I know? I was left with the impression that it's not right, but perhaps they are walking a fine line, open to interpretation. In his latest Weverse post, Jungkook mentioned that since he can't promote himself, he opened an account for Bam. So, what is it then? Is it allowed or not?

4) I knew kukumimi would do this, it's on brand and as much as I want to see them, I think it's better that they are keeping it under the radar. I heard they also just finished this intense training they had and they might get some vacation days. Perhaps they will show their faces. It's never the easy way with them, right?

5) I really enjoyed that glimpse into their evening, even if it was in front of the camera. It still felt nice and very lowkey, particularly after a concert. You wouldn't think they were jumping on a stage for two hours before that.

I think we're all jealous of Jungkook and so be it. He said so himself, we will keep being jealous, he'll still hold Jiminie (and cook for him).

[plusvanity]

Alright so, I wouldn't have finished this so soon but some of you showed interest in my silly ramblings sooooo... here are some of my headcanons for Larry's 'aloof' personality.

Asperger Syndrome

-Since he was a small child, there were a few behavioral differences between him and the rest of the children.

He never really knew how to properly communicate. That might be very common in children BUT he literally had struggles trying to explain anything. Sentences like: 'I want that' or 'can I have that?' were never on his tongue and lots of time he'd get upset at himself/ people around him for not being able to read his mind and take care of his demands. This kind of behavior crosses a bit into 'anti-social' tenancies. (Hard time to communicate, preferred playing alone, very poor social skills, etc) Shortly, his 'forever-upset' personality resulted in children excluding/ isolating him from their games and plays.

-Larry didn't know why nobody wanted to play with him, why everybody avoided him like plague and gave him dubious looks. Throughout his kindergarten and early-school years he never made friends, never had any significant relationships except with his parents.

Why did nobody see these signs and act accordingly?

We're in the late 90's. There's no such thing as ‘diagnosing kids with mental illness’ unless they've got some kind of schizophrenia that really makes them act out. Parents had little to no information about mental health, let alone autism and how it manifests in children. Rough times but that's how they were.

-Growing up lonely, Larry found his refuge in drawing and writing silly little cartoon stories. Solo hobbies are extremely common in the autistic spectrum, especially when they come in package with die-hard fixations/ obsessions.

-Sensorial sensibility: he can’t stand bright lights in his basement. That’s why he always keeps a small desk lamp on and nothing else to see around him.

-In school, he did poorly. The motto was: it’s either you’re the only one who gets it and nobody else does OR everybody else gets it and you’re the only one who doesn’t. No way in between these two.

-The internal struggle of 'Why am I like this? Why do they hate me? What's wrong with me?' never left his brain. Now, communication was absolutely required no matter if he liked it or not. That's school, you're supposed to answer stuff, use your brains to solve problems and get through the day.

-Firstly, he did what his autistic mind told him to do.. he went fully fucking honest and blunt. With every occasion when he got asked about something, he innocently pointed out everything that bothered him/ seemed wrong or annoying without any fucking filter whatsoever. Needless to say, his true-nature approach didn’t escape punishment. His mother was called, the teachers complained that he’s ‘too mean and arrogant’ , ‘never focused’ , ‘too lazy and selfish’ etc. Everything while Larry looked like a fucking deer in the highlights telling his mom that he didn't do nothing wrong.

-When he finally understood that ‘being honest’ wasn't the key for normal human-communication, that's when his mind began searching for other ways to go by.

-Masking-

Masking was the second option.

-He watched, heard, studied, learned and taught himself the Fine Arts of mimicking normal human response in social situations. Now, that's how he mostly made it work.

-As a chill but tragically misunderstood child, he had finally learned how to make friends. It started with Ash and Maple (alternative music and general outcasts) and later in middle-school, Ash presented him to Todd. (Now, I'd rant about Rob and their 'brother from another mother' dynamic and friendship but that's for another long post if any of you are interested)

-When his father abruptly disappeared from the family frame, it just.... made everything ten thousand times worse for Larry (This is gonna be another post if you're interested)

-All in all, now with a select group of friends he’s still aloof, weird, too loud or too quiet sometimes BUT at least he’s not alone and miserable anymore.

Normally, he's a laid back dude, a stoner (autism and substance abuse is another headache of a post..) a metalhead and maybe just a little delinquent sometimes after 8 pm because of teenage rebellion and all that stuff.

-His ‘masking act’ falls sometimes when he talks about painting, video games, music and basically everything that interests him. Asperger in boys is a lot different than in girls. Girls tend to keep their ‘masking act’ better than boys as boys often don't realize when they slip and start talking miles and miles about their favorite hobbies/ subjects without noticing if the person they're talking to completely loses their interest or gets angry for being talked over and interrupted all the time.

His friends find him a bit annoying at times cause… fuck, who like being talked over? but they’re so used to him that it’s just common and gets easily forgotten.

-When the sudden chronic-insomnia hit him, the fatigue and lethargy didn't go unnoticed by Lisa. Finally, she managed to drag him to a doctor that surprisingly or not, completely missed to diagnose him with autism. The shrink blamed his insomnia on weed (another rant here) and …. ADHD?. Larry took the classic DSM-4 test (oh boy, gotta love the 90′s..) it came back negative on symptoms, confirming everybody that he didn't have ADHD. (Now, I know that the two behavioral illnesses often came in package but with Larry it wasn't the case) After that, nobody did anything.

-Now, he lives freely his teenage years hanging out with Sal, regularly smoking weed, getting deeply offended by the un-true belief that he might have ADHD, still trying to figure out what's actually wrong with him that no shrink or DSM could tell and ultimately enjoying his hobbies and little shenanigans him and his best amigo do.

-The ‘masking act’ has long become an automatic behavior, an unconscious switch for normal social situations so, now he’s most definitely not aware that he’s doing it. 

Sal highly suspects him of being autistic due to the fact that he had far more contacts with doctors and psychiatrists in his entire life that he knows VERY WELL the red flags or autistic behaviors. That and because of their first interaction when Larry was like ‘Sup, you like metal? You GOTTA like metal!’ it screams autism from a fucking mile.

This post is embarrassingly LONG and useless.. and I'll shut the fuck up now for real. BUT If anyone feels like asking questions or going deeper down this rabbit hole, feel free to text me <3 as I love waffling about psychology and pretty much anything lol.

Sorry for my bad English, I did my best in trying to explain all that's written above. These are just some of my little silly headcanons and possibly?? more in-depth explanations for some of the things that go on in my SF fanfic.

Ko-fi l  DeviantArt

[spnexploration]

Pack chapter 22

Pairing: Alpha!Dean Winchester x Omega!Reader, Alpha!Sam Winchester x Omega!Madison

Series summary: Omega!Reader is thrown into a world she's not expecting when her mate turns out to be a hunter, and she's not used to Alpha & Omega Pack dynamics.

Chapter summary: The morning after your night alone.

Chapter warnings: reader self-conscious including about her body, but nothing particularly detailed

Word count: 2.6k (long one!)

A/N: I forgot to add the last chapter to the masterlist when I posted it, which I have now done. Sorry about that! Make sure you read it first.

This fulfils the nesting square of my 2023 SPN AU bingo.

Series masterlist | Supernatural writing masterlist

Part 21 <- -> Part 23

“Good morning Y/N, how’d you sleep?” Sam asked as I trudged into the kitchen.

I just groaned in response.

He chuckled, “You really are perfect for Dean. There's fresh coffee if you'd like some.” I nodded and he fetched me a cup.

I was halfway through before I thought of sharing my news. “Dean messaged me when he got to Claire, at like 3am.”

“Yeah, he messaged me too. He said he's going to work the case with her today, then decide if they stay for tomorrow. I think he realises she'll rebel even more if he dismisses her work.”

I nodded, focused back on my coffee.

“So what are we doing today?” I asked when I was feeling more awake.

“That’s up to you. We can do some more lore if you'd like, you can spend the day reading or watching TV, or you can put yourself in Madison's hands and let her go crazy keeping you entertained.”

I laughed. “Maybe we can do some lore and then I'll see if I'm up for Madi entertainment.”

“Good choice. Grab some breakfast and then meet me in the library. I'll fill Mads in when she's out of the shower.”

---

Sam had me try reading some lore myself and try to make sense of it, all related to the topics we'd covered yesterday. I didn't realise how complicated killing monsters was!

After a while I was feeling tired and run down, so I headed off to Dean's room for a nap. It was probably just the poor sleep I’d had last night without Dean around. I snuggled into his pillow and fell asleep instantly.

---

I woke later. I was not feeling better. I felt so cold, but I was drenched in sweat. My joints ached, it was hard to move them at all.

It took a lot of effort, but I made it to the door finally. I was going to call out for Sam and Madi, hope that they had medication for whatever illness must've struck me down.

I opened the door but felt out of breath with the effort of crossing the room. I had to get my breath back before I could call out.

Suddenly, I heard hurried footsteps.

“Y/N?” Sam called, sounding worried. “We're coming.”

How did he know I needed him?

He rounded the corner a few seconds later, Madison hot on his heels.

“I think I'm sick,” I wheezed out.

“Omega, you're in heat,” he said gently. “I smelt it as soon as you opened the door.”

“But this feels- I've never felt like I was dying before!” I started to fall as I used up all my energy complaining. Sam quickly caught me and carried me back to Dean's bed. Now that he said it, I could feel slick gathering between my legs, but given how much sweat I was covered in, I hadn't really noticed before.

His phone started ringing. It said 'Claire Novak’ on the caller ID.

He answered and put it on speaker, “Hey Claire.”

“Sam! Dean just went into a rut and he is fucking mental! What the hell do I do?!”

I thanked my lucky stars that my body had settled on Dean, that our cycles had aligned. But now I just had to get to him, to be claimed. I shivered. What if my heat finished before I got to him?

“First, tell him Y/N is in heat,” Sam said to Claire. “It will reassure him some.”

“Sam says Y/N is in heat,” she said slightly muffled, like she'd turned the phone away. “He's growling, hang on.”

There were some strange noises and then Dean’s voice, much lower than normal, “Omega?”

“I'm here Alpha,” I managed.

“You... ok?” he sounded like speaking was hard for him.

“Yeah, I'll be ok.” I didn't want to tell him how unwell I felt.

Sam gave me a knowing look and said, “Alpha, can you put Claire back on? I'm going to work with her to get you two together.” Dean growled slightly throughout, but the sounds of the phone passing happened again.

“Sam?” Claire asked. “He didn't say anything, he just gave me the phone back.”

“Ok,” Sam continued, “The next thing you do is that you submit to him. If you start challenging him when he is in an unfilled rut, away from the Omega he is yet to claim, he is going to go feral. I recommend calling him 'Alpha’ and barring your neck if he gets antsy.”

“Great,” she deadpanned. The teenage sass was practically dripping.

“And then you get him back here, as fast as you can.”

“What about the case?” she asked petulantly.

“Claire, I promise, we will help you on this case. But this is literally the second time he has gone into a rut after finding his mate, their mating has already been threatened by factors outside their control. They cannot miss this opportunity. Plus I’ve got an Omega here who’s about to go through the worst heat of her life, she needs him.”

I gulped at Sam’s words.

“Ok, I get it. Sorry. I’ll get him back.”

“Thanks Claire.”

“Bye.”

Sam hung up and turned to me. “It's gonna be a while before they can get here, so we need to get you comfortable.”

“What- what if he doesn’t?”

“That's not going to happen. You've only just gone into heat, and even your normal heat probably lasts longer than one day?” I nodded. “This one is likely to be longer, and worse. Dean got to Claire in about half a day. There is plenty of time, Omega.”

I sniffled and he stroked my hair gently.

“How about we get you some painkillers and a cool bath or shower to try and drop this fever a bit, and then Madi can stay with you. I don't think you're going to want to be around another Alpha too much, but I'll help with the cooling down because I don't think you can hold yourself up right now. Does that sound ok?”

I nodded, too tired and achey to reply.

“I'm going to take off some of your clothes, ok?” I half-heartedly nodded. “Omega, I need your words. I'm not going to do anything you don't consent to.”

“Yes,” I mumbled.

“Ok, thank you.” He started to pull Dean's flannel off me and I whined. “I know, I know, we’ll get back to Dean’s scent as soon as we can. Now, bath or shower?”

I shrugged. He kept gently removing my clothes until I was in just my underwear. I wished he was Dean. Partway through Madi had brought me painkillers and water, but I didn't feel any better yet. Everything ached and every so often I shivered, although Sam assured me I was actually hot.

“I'm going to carry you to the bathroom, ok?” I nodded and he lifted me up bridal style. I leant my head on his shoulder and, whilst he smelled reassuringly like Pack, I just wanted Dean. I started to cry.

“I know, I know,” he murmured reassuringly. “We’re gonna get Dean back as fast as we can, ok? And you're gonna feel a bit better soon. You're gonna be ok.”

He made it to the bathroom where Madi was standing next to the full bath. “Ready?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I mumbled.

He went to his knees and lowered me into the water. It felt strange at first and I clung to Sam's neck, but after a few moments it felt better and I let go of him.

“Now, ordinarily we'd leave you alone, but I don't think you're well enough for that right now.”

I nodded. I felt too weak to do much more, which was probably Sam's point.

Madi wet a face washer and put it on my forehead. I lay back and closed my eyes. I was starting to feel a little bit better. My joints weren't aching quite as much.

I relaxed.

“Hey, hey,” Sam said, tapping my face. I didn't know how much time had passed. “No falling asleep in the bath.” I blearily opened my eyes and tried to glare at him. He chuckled, “I'm not about to let you drown in our own house.”

I started to get uncomfortable, trying to find a way to position myself. And the water was starting to feel cold. Sam must've noticed my fidgeting as he said, “How about we get you out?” I nodded. “You wanna try standing up?” I nodded again and he reached in, lifting me out and gently placing me on my feet on the mat. Madi wrapped me in a towel.

I was still too sore to do much other than whimper as Madi dried me off. It was like having the worst case of flu ever.

Slick flooded out of me into my wet undies and down my legs. I saw Sam's nostrils flare as he smelled it, and he swallowed thickly.

“Are- are you ok?” I asked him, suddenly worried that he might be unable to control his reactions.

“Yes, sorry I scared you. I'm not going to hurt you. The scent of Omega in heat is just a bit, uh, overwhelming to Alpha senses. But it's fine,” he said with a reassuring smile.

I felt like I knew what he meant. His Alpha smell was starting to get overpowering. I scrunched my nose up a little as I smelled him and he chuckled.

“I think you're entering the horny phase of heat,” Madi observed wryly. “Let's get you back to your room and we can kick Sam out before you start scratching him for getting too close to you.” Sam laughed.

“Huh?”

“I might have clawed Dean when he came into the kitchen and surprised me when I was in heat one time,” she said with a smirk. “He was literally just walking past but I, uh, reacted with claws before my brain engaged. Anyway, enough about me, I think you're dry enough.”

“Are you ok if I pick you up again?” Sam asked me.

I was still feeling weak and shaky, so I nodded. He lifted me into his arms and my skin started to crawl. I didn't like Sam touching me, he was wrong, wrong!

“It's ok, I'm going to put you down and leave in just a sec,” he murmured. I was holding myself tense, probably having my facial expressions tell the story of my discomfort.

I suddenly realised I was starting to growl.

I couldn't stop.

He placed me on Dean's bed and hastily backed away. I grabbed Dean's flannel and rubbed it over my face, utterly enthralled with its scent.

“Message me if you need anything,” he said to Madi. “I'll keep you in the loop if I hear anything from Claire or Dean.”

He left. I stopped growling.

“Alright, let's get you out of those wet things,” Madi said.

I tried to reach behind me to unclasp my bra, but my arms were too weak to undo it. I started to cry, scared and annoyed about what was happening to me.

Madi sat next to me and wrapped her arm around my back. “I promise, it'll get better. I think you're feeling rubbish right now partly because of your massive fever, and partly because you're away from your mate. When Dean gets here, I promise it will get better.”

“Omega biology sucks.”

“Oh, so much! Ruts look way easier to get through than the shit we have to put up with.”

“Was it like this for you? I didn't expect to feel this much like I’d been hit by a truck.”

“No, I had Sam with me. So whilst I felt bad when it started, we pretty quickly got to dealing with it. And it sucks you don't have Dean, but he is on his way. You just gotta hang in there for a bit longer.”

I sniffled. More slick flooded out of me, for no apparent reason, and I felt weirdly like my skin was missing something. I started to fidget, trying to work out what I was feeling.

“Ok, ok, before you get all antsy, let's get you in fresh clothes.” I’d almost forgotten my bra and undies were wet from the bath, so distracted by the various painful and strange sensations from my body. I let Madi help me out of them and into a pair of summer pyjamas.

I grabbed Dean's flannel again, rubbing it over me. Then I smelled his pillow, bringing that to me too. I tried to wrap them around me, whining when it wouldn't work.

“You ever built a nest before, Y/N?”

“Huh?”

“I think you’re trying to nest. Hang on,” she pulled out her phone and tapped away at it.

 I couldn't focus on what she was doing, I was too busy trying to work out what to do with Dean's things. I'd positioned myself over his side of the bed, throwing back the covers so I could smell it better. I kept moving his pillow and his flannel around, but it just wouldn't do what I wanted. I was starting to shiver again, and Madison held her hand to my forehead.

“Fuck,” she muttered, “you're burning up again.”

A few moments later there was a knock at the door and Sam pushed a laundry basket of clothes in. I growled at him. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't help it. He quickly shut the door.

I finally smelt the clothes, now that Sam's wrongness had gone. Dean!! I reached out weakly to the basket and Madi picked it up and brought it to me.

“I asked Sam to get all of the clothes out of the hamper that were yours or Dean's and smelled like Dean. I thought you might like to use them in your nest.”

I purred at her and set about arranging the clothes. I don't think I've ever purred in my life.

I had to admit, now that I was putting things where they felt most right, I was clearly making a nest on the bed. I was surrounding myself in Dean's scent, picking up each item and carefully deciding where exactly to put it.

Once it was done, I tried to position myself in it. It wasn't big enough. It wasn't quite right. I wanted Dean!! I whined.

My skin was feeling strange again. I tried to scratch it to make myself feel better. But it wasn't quite itchy? It was something else. I rubbed it. Yes, that was better. But it still wasn't right.

I moved my hands around on my body. It felt a bit better. But not enough. Now I was getting frustrated that it wasn't feeling better enough.

I whined again.

“Where are your toys?” Madi asked me.

“What toys?”

“Sex toys. Can't you tell you’re getting super horny?”

Oh. Maybe that's why my skin felt weird. And why it didn't feel like the right touching. It didn't feel like normal arousal, and I’d been so distracted by everything else, I hadn't even recognised it.

I moved my hands lower. I slipped my fingers under the waistband of my shorts and approached my clit. Fuck it was sensitive right now!

I tried to get Dean's scent. I tried to find the best way to be in my nest. I tried to rub myself, but it felt like trying to tickle yourself. I wasn’t getting anywhere. My skin was crawling again and my joints were aching. I was so annoyed!

Madi appeared in front of me. I had forgotten all about her. She held out her hand.

“Try this,” she said as she handed me a vibrator. “Trust me.”

.

.

.

Taglist:

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@lyarr24

@waynes-multiverse

@leigh70

@malindacath

@ellie-andthemachine

@iprobablyshipit91

@muhahaha303

@globetrotter28

@deans-spinster-witch

@kazsrm67

@foxyjwls007

@iamsapphine

@saranghaey

@yarafae

@sassy-pelican

@tristanrosspada-ackles

@the-family-business67

@babygirl-one-and-only

@leila22rogers

@supernatural--whore

@nerdymuffinbonkcloud

[abiiors]

For the birthday blurbs/concepts, it's your birthday (😉) George has planned the entire morning, he's going to make you breakfast and give you the big present he hid. But once he opens his eyes, falling on your cute face. He's admiring you, feeling so lucky...until he notices your red cheeks, your hips slowly moving, and when his name falls from your lips like a moan, he forgets his plans. George, the sweet and hot boyfriend he's, starts helping you...trying to give you the first present of the day: a mind-blowing orgasm.

oh my god this is so cute and so fucking HOT! FUCK, ANYWAY minors dni as always

i very much am of the opinion that george is someone who believes in making his feelings known through his actions. so of course he has to go all out and meticulously consider every last detail of your birthday plans. and it's not limited to only the day of, he made nail appointments for both of you the weekend before to get matching nails <3 and he has a pile of gifts hidden away; one for each year you've been alive because spoiling you is his favourite hobby. anyway he's awake half an hour before you usually wake up because he has a whole breakfast menu planned that includes all your favourites and he's just taking these last few moments to think of the entire day he has planned. he's so so excited to see your smile and how you would react to every little thing he has planned. so he's just about to get out of bed when he notices you shudder next to him. at first he freezes because he doesn't want you to wake up and spoil the surprise but then he notices the pink cheeks, the very faint sheen of sweat and another shudder that goes through you and he panics thinking you have a fever or something, about to check your forehead when he hears a faint moan that is certainly NOT a moan of illness followed by what sounds vaguely like his name and he has to actually sit back for a second to take in the scene. you have your hand between your thighs, grinding against it and the duvet very subtly, cheeks flushed, lips parted and back arched just so that he can see your nipples under the thin cotton t-shirt. and of course once he's done admiring the scene and getting his own filthy thoughts started (because you say his name again, louder this time), he is nothing is not hellbent on pleasing you today. breakfast in bed can wait, fuck it can certainly turn into a post-sex brunch in bed. right now, he just slides back in behind you, pressing himself against your ass (that you grind against almost instantly) and places his hand over yours that you've got trapped between your thighs.

'what do we have here love?' whispered right next to your ear in his very gravelly morning voice and he KNOWS it will wake you up because you stir next to him and push yourself into him even more. he has his large hand over yours, guiding it to where he knows he will find a damp spot. 'wanna tell me what's going on in that filthy mind of yours?' another whisper. another shiver that goes through you as you blink your eyes open. still only halfway between dream and reality, thoroughly enjoying how he makes you rub your hand against your core, how he presses lingering hot kisses on your jaw and then in an instant how he flips you on your back so he can get on top of you.

'george...' you breathe, still in the clutches of the fantastic dream, hand still half buried in your underwear, 'it was so real, it felt so...' another gasp as he trails those kisses down your chest, your stomach until he finally stops just above the band. 'tell me about it, tell me what you want,' all while he makes intense eye contact and holds your thighs to keep them parted. so you tell him all about it, every sentence punctuated with broken gasps and small moans as he drags your panties off you with his teeth. 'i could feel your mou---' but you never get to finish the thought because his mouth is on you at that exact moment turning that sentence into a strangled cry. your thighs clench around his head immediately, hands fisting into the sheets and toes curling as your back almost completely arches off the bed. he instantly takes advantage of this to press a hand flat on your stomach to hold you in place, keeps sucking on your clit and alternating it with kitten licks and just going for it along with the occasional teeth against your inner thigh until you are practically screaming his name loud enough to wake up the whole neighbourhood. and just as you are so close to losing your sanity entirely, there he is, pushing a finger in and hooking it at the last moment before he starts pumping it in and out. perfectly in sync with his mouth. the callouses on his fingers feel just the right amount of rough and at this point you have no idea if you're squeezing his head too hard with your thighs or what kind of sounds are coming out of your mouth because your eyes are rolled so far back in your head that you see stars right before he grazes his teeth against your clit and thrusts his fingers in deep.

he can tell you're about to cum just by how tightly you clench around him, body almost lifted off the bed, filthy obscene and wet sounds of his fingers moving inside you and even filthier sounds coming out of your mouth, he's convinced he's never seen a prettier sight. 'my beautiful darling,' he almost sighs against your skin, tasting as much of you as he can when you absolutely shatter against his tongue. shuddering breaths and heavy pants and the constant whimpers as your ride out your orgasm by grinding on his face some more which he's only happy to assist with until slowly your legs stop spasming (but still trembling). and that's when he pushes himself up to wrap his arms around your waist and rest his chin on your stomach, waiting for you to open your eyes and peppering your stomach and ribs with featherlight kisses.

'happy birthday, baby,' he smiles sweetly when you finally open your eyes, 'i hope i lived up to dream george,' he teases. and even though you've just been fucked to within an inch of your life, you still blush deeply once you remember what started this. his deep belly laugh sends tingles down your spine as you mumble a quick shy yes into the pillow and wait for him to give your birthday/good morning kiss <3

[skeptiquewrites]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you for the tag @tackytigerfic (here) and @maesterchill (here). Emerging from my post illness hidey hole.

How many works do you have on ao3?

32, a number that both seems too large and smaller than I thought

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

254,835. Wild.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly HP, although once in a while I peek over at other fandoms. And I have a joint Check Please fic in the works.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All Drarry. None really surprised me but the final one, I hadn't realized it climbed that far up the kudos. Huh. 1. Yours Truly - my romcom fic about Harry feeling left out when everyone's coupled up, telling a lie that gets out of control, and also how hot magical ecology is 2. Home Truths - my Quidditch fic about the complications of fame, love of the game, Harry finding out who his family was and letting himself fall in love 3. Special Affinity - how quickly one can justify fucking one's coworker given a bonding spell while having no idea if the feelings part is reciprocal 4. Winner Takes It All - Draco feeling caught in impossible circumstances, working too much, caregiving for a parent, and how small kindnesses can mean the world 5. A Little Time - mistaken for a couple, forced proximity, Healer school, and everyone in a small town hating you and all your friends on sight

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I love responding to comments, but it takes me a while. I read every single one, and I try to wait until I have the time and energy to respond with something thoughtful. I'm months behind at this point.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'm a fairly happy ending sort of person. I tend to go more for straight angst for drabbles and micros. Maybe Beside Manner? They're formerly bonded and dealing very badly with the dissolution.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, gosh, most of them. I'm most enamoured by the Big Damn Kiss at the end of Home Truths. I love No Distance because Harry and Draco are very much in love and not able to hide it. I am particularly fond of the end of Winner because I was able to leave Draco in a very good place that felt right for the fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really I think. I get the occasional rude bookmark rating. Once, a very unpleasant person who sent lots of hate for months over a fairly inconsequential aspect of a fic. And then there have been a few comments where it's clear the reader wanted me to write a different fic, which I don't really take that personally. Nice comments far outweight the negative.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not much. Tender, expressive, evocative. Light on details mostly.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I am not a crossover person.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think anyone has ever tried.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. Two by the wonderful Bluebubbling which I was thrilled by.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've always wanted to. I'm trying my hand with another fandom, but one day.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Drarry. It just hits different.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I'm one of those people who has a dozens of ideas. I think I'm unlikely to finish my Veela!Harry fic, I just don't think I have the range. I have yet to successfully write and finish a PWP. Would be thrilled to finish some of my rare pairs.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Hmmm. I think dialogue, efficiency, and atmosphere.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

More complicated or mystery-oriented plots, the mid-level between an ensemble cast and an intimate chamber piece, anything with significant length, spending lots of words on one scene.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

One of my ideas about writing is that not everything has to be maximally accessible to all to be an authentic expression in a fic. If that's what fits or feels right, go for it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

You know, I found out the answer for sure recently, and I will be keeping that information to myself. Highly embarrassing and yet formative. Let your imagination do the rest.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Winner Takes It All. Exactly what I intended, turned out beautifully. Some of my favourite writing.

tagging @magpiefngrl @lettersbyelise @lqtraintracks @quicksilvermaid @goblinmatriarch @teledild0nix @boxboxlewis and anyone else who is interested

[heartcal]

rejected ; c.h. (part vii)

summary:  he was just a silly little crush that you had in high school, and you were sure that after graduating, you would be over it. so why is your heart beating fast as he sits next to you in your first class on your first day of college? chapter summary: apologies probably won’t fix what was broken, but an opportunity presents itself in an interesting way. pairing: calum hood x reader (gender-neutral) genre: fluff, angst, classmates to friends to loves au, college au warning(s): mentions of past toxic relationship, mentions of how said-past relationship is affecting person, cursing (as usual) word count: 2.3k words

a/n: this took... so damn long. illness, writer's block, life, emotions -- writing did not stand a chance lol. but !! it's finally here, even though it can be looked at as a filler chapter, but still !! i believe there's about one or two parts left before it's officially over!! i hoped to finish this series during 2022 but uhhhh... yeah lol. i also did not get a calendar so wish me luck now onto serious stuff -- as usual, i am going to link the reddit post with links to donate to ukraine as the war is still raging. finally, if there are any mistakes, please let me know! enjoy, and happy new year!

intro | i | ii | iii | iv | v | vi | vii current | viii ... series masterlist! | main masterlist!

Calum knows Ashton’s worried. The nervous eyes that move around his face, the prominent frown lines that cover the absence of a friendly smile, and the tone of Ashton’s voice as he greets him—it’s very noticeable.

“Hey,” Calum greets back.

Ashton notes the dark circles around Calum’s eyes, the puffy eye bags, and the redness indicating he has not slept well. Calum holds his emotions in his eyes.

“What happened?” Ashton wastes no time, wanting to find out what exactly has his friend in this state.

Calum sighs, sitting on Ashton’s couch with his head in his hands. How does he break it down?

Recalling the scene from yesterday, he feels like bringing up your confession first, but he knows that’s not the main issue at hand. Rather the main issue is himself.

Not getting a response, Ashton pushes further, “You said you fucked up bad, again, so I’m assuming this involves—.”

“They told me they liked me,” Calum interrupts, voice strained as he breathes out. He digs his palms into his eyes trying to quell the frustrated tears, “and I said some awful things.”

“Awful…how?” Ashton holds his breath, staring at Calum’s hunched form.

“I—,” Calum groans, leaning back with his hands covering his face, “I basically threw our friendship in their face.”

Calum finds it hard to explain himself. Looking in from the outside, Calum could see himself as a cowardly selfish person; acting without a second thought, inconsiderate of how it would make others feel, all just to make themselves feel better. He took your concern and kindness, stomped on it repeatedly, and threw it in the trash. And to make it worse, you still had the guts to tell him you liked him. That was something he was not brave to do.

“You can’t be short with me, Cal,” Ashton scolds, observing Calum’s body language.

Calum moves his hands down his face, revealing his eyes—which were glossy and a slightly darker red than before—as he stares at the ceiling. He avoids Ashton’s stare because he knows it would have him spilling more than what he wants to let out, and he’s not quite ready for that. Not yet, at least.

“Sheila still has a hold on me,” Calum states, swallowing the bile rising in his throat, “she has a hold on me and I can��t let go.”

“Cal,” exasperation flows out of Ashton as he sits next to Calum, mirroring his position to stare at the ceiling, “Sheila was—is—a bad person. She had no regard for how she made people feel, always wanting to be the center of attention, and when she doesn’t get what she wants she becomes someone completely different. Worse.”

Ashton watches Calum shut his eyes, a tear slipping out before his eyes open again.

“Toxic and abusive relationships,” Ashton sighs, continuing, “it’s—they are hard to move on from. I get that. But I know you, Cal. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

Ashton knows that it’s a weak attempt to soothe Calum, but he recalls how well Calum kept it together throughout the last year of high school. Anyone who wasn’t privy to the relationship’s ups and downs would’ve thought that Calum never went through something like that. Those who knew, though, couldn’t understand how Calum can keep his head up, but at the same time were proud of him.

Calum’s eyes flutter shut again, nose flaring as a few more tears slip out.

“Throwing the box out from under your bed is a great start.”

Calum knows it is. He hates that he’s right (and he does not know how Ashton knew about that box), but it would be best to throw it out.

“I will,” he whispers, using the sleeves of his sweatshirt to wipe at the tears.

“Now,” Ashton readjusts in his seat, “tell me exactly what happened.”

Calum heaves out a sigh, letting a few beats of silence pass before starting from the very beginning.

¸.*☆*¸.*♡*.¸¸.*☆*¸.*♡*.¸

If there is one good thing to come out of this mess, it's that you finally gained enough confidence to confess how you feel to Calum.

Sure, it didn't go the way you wanted it to, rather you would have preferred if you were in a better mood instead of crying in front of him. Along with it being done under better circumstances, as well.

It seemed selfish; he was dealing with something and you had to drop the bomb on him like that. From an outside perspective, it would have been better to withhold that confession, but then again, having it bottled up for so long was not a good idea.

Instead of sitting in your room wallowing over what could’ve happened (for over a week at this point), Jessie forces you out of your sad bubble to visit a few shops to help them get started on their business.

You put up a fight, making up a plethora of excuses starting from illness to being tired. All of them were brushed off, eventually making you give up once clean clothes were being tossed to you.

Standing in the premium fabric section in a craft store, you tune out the sound of other patrons and the cheesy holiday music. Jessie doesn’t try to get your opinion on fabrics anymore, knowing you’ll continue to tune out every question asked.

Jess won’t lie; they didn’t think you had the guts to confess to Calum. When you called later that day to tell them what happened, Jessie thought it was just a late April Fool’s joke, or that they fell asleep early and were dreaming – you almost hung up since you thought the call dropped – but when Jess came to, they did what they could to console.

But now this was getting ridiculous.

“Hey,” Jess tosses a roll of lace to you, shaking you out of any self-deprecating thoughts you were having, “it’s not the end of the world.”

You sigh, “I know, but it was so embarrassing.”

“So?” Jess questions, taking the roll back and placing it on the shelf.

“So,” you continue, shifting the shopping basket to the other arm, “you didn’t see the way he looked at me after I told him how I feel. You didn’t see and feel the shift in emotions, how tense it got.”

Jessie gives you a look, the same one they give you when you start to sound like you’re making excuses. You hate that look.

“Listen to me,” Jessie places their basket down before facing you and doing the same with your basket. You nod once for them to continue, “I am going to be one hundred percent honest. On one hand, I’m proud you finally confessed. Honestly, it could’ve been handled better, and definitely during a different conversation. But you did it. However, on the other hand, that was not the best thing to do. How Calum handled it is both understandable and somewhat irrational, but he has his reasons. So don’t beat yourself up, because you’re not the only one feeling bad about the whole thing.”

You bite your tongue, knowing that, once again, Jess is right.

Jessie picks up both baskets, handing you yours before finishing, “You have every right to be upset. It’s not easy to get over that, but it’s time to move on and continue.”

You nod once again, letting Jessie’s words replay in your mind and settle.

It is time to move on. Dwelling over what could’ve been, over how it should have been handled, and going through different scenarios to think of how you could’ve fought back and hit Calum with equally hurtful words is completely useless.

¸.*☆*¸.*♡*.¸¸.*☆*¸.*♡*.¸

You have to give your professors props for not assigning any major work for the upcoming holiday break. A couple of essays, some reading, and some studying that you can cram before break ends – break will be mostly relaxing.

Except for the fact that your English professor announced a group project. It was a project that was supposed to be part of the final grade before the break, but it was decided to be a good way to start the new semester (and new year) as it allows for discussion with other students.

You found it to be dumb because it would have been better if the project was given at the start of the fall semester if your professor wanted people to talk to each other. But, English professors can be odd (at least your junior and senior year English teacher was).

It was decided that over break, every student will receive the email of the guidelines of the project, along with the names and emails of their partner or partners, as it was made clear with the handful of students not returning in the new year made the class count uneven. You can only hope you get one partner, and that they’re not Calum or Ashton.

Comically, life is a joke sometimes.

“Your professor must hate you,” Jessie wheezes into the phone, “it’s unfortunate as it’s hilarious.”

You roll your eyes, mixing in the final ingredients for the cookie dough after placing your phone down on the counter with the speaker on.

Jessie inhales deeply, “Oh, my god I’m so sorry.”

You hum sarcastically, not buying their apology. You stop mixing, placing both hands on the counter and shaking your head, “I seriously cannot believe it. Here I am, enjoying my holiday break and making holiday treats, and suddenly the email comes and I see the two names I did not want at all.”

“Luck’s on your side,” Jessie jokes before another laugh escapes, “it’s the universe’s way of telling you there’s still a chance.”

“No, Jess,” you resume mixing, “there were plenty of chances, and all of them were in vain.”

“At least give this a shot, maybe you and Calum can talk things out and Ashton can be the peacemaker, like a voice of reason.”

“I’m going to ask for a different set of partners—”

Jessie’s strict tone of your name cuts you off, “You’re being irrational.”

You sigh, knowing your request is going to be ignored by your professor. You can only guess that they were assigned to you since you spent time with Calum earlier in the year, but then again, your professor must have noticed the change.

“Just try this,” Jessie has calmed down, empathy taking over, “if you don’t want to give it another chance, then don’t! But if he apologizes and wants to try again, put your foot down. Tell him where you stand, and that you cannot go through what you went through again.”

You’re starting to wonder if fashion is Jessie’s strong suit, because all this advice and guidance they’ve given you is helping you open your eyes.

“Thank you, Jess.”

“You’re welcome,” you can hear their smile before a faint crash is heard on the line, “shit, I gotta go, baby cousin dropped something.”

“Good luck,” you laugh, prepping the cookie sheet with parchment paper.

“Thanks—you too. I’ll call you tomorrow!”

The call ends and you let out a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived when you see an email notification.

Nope.

Instead of checking the email, you go right for the cookie dough, rolling them into a ball and placing them on the pan. It keeps you occupied for close to twenty minutes, but once they’re in the oven, you’ll have to read the email.

Hey! I’m surprised the three of us are partners, but I’m excited about this project! Hope you guys enjoy the rest of your break, happy holidays!

Ashton signs off with his name and number, along with a smiley face.

As you struggle to compose a response, another email comes through.

I’m surprised too. Happy holidays.

Short and to the point, Calum’s response makes you nervous.

Neither of you properly reached out since that day, opting for avoiding one another in person and leaving the texts untouched. There were times when you wanted to check up on him, noticing his absence in a couple of classes and even on social media. But when you get those thoughts, you go back to the image of him in the park and the pain you felt when you left.

Sooner or later, one of you has to be the bigger person. One of you has to reach out to the other and talk, at least clear things up enough to the point where you can get through the project without problems, without the awkwardness and tension filling the air and ruining an important project.

One thing is for sure: a new year means a new slate. After a hellish couple of months, you make a New Year’s resolution to let go of your crush on Calum and move on.

¸.*☆*¸.*♡*.¸¸.*☆*¸.*♡*.¸

Calum enjoys the company of his family. Watching the younger kids of the family wander around the Christmas tree, eyeing the present piles never fails to bring a smile to his face. Watching the elders converse and gossip was also enjoyable (just not when they would ask him questions about life and school).

He can’t fully enjoy the festivities with the heavy, lingering thought in his mind, constantly knocking to get his attention. Were you enjoying your break? Were you relaxing? Did you need any help with homework? And most importantly, do you want to be partners with him for the group project?

He wasn’t expecting it, so he completely understands if you ask for different partners. It would hurt him, he admits, but he also does not want any problems occurring that could lead to a bad grade.

After talking with Ashton, Calum sees a bit clearer now. The box under his bed is still there, however, a lot of its contents have been tossed. The remaining items are the items he’s truly attached to.

He’s hoping the bonfire his family throws on New Year’s Eve will give him the chance to throw those items out. Burning them means they will be gone permanently, watching them turn to ashes, almost signaling acceptance and moving on.

Maybe then he’ll grow. He’ll move on, better himself, and fix any relationship he’s broken.

He can only hope you’re willing to accept his apology this time.

[lordelmelloi2]

I feel like if I had just gotten over myself in the first place and started selfshipping openly with Waver I would've maybe been a happier person but without the takeoff of the mastersona community here I wouldn't have had the confidence or like... playing field? to do it in. Idk. It's kind of funny how like. Denying myself that connection like that. Really did impact my life in an insane way. When I look at my old posts from this blog's beginning and from shitpostsaber it doesn't even feel like the same person anymore. Or like. I can't... remember the depth of suffering and aimlessness I was experiencing back then. I had dropped out of college and was struggling with depression and ptsd and chronic illness so bad that I couldn't get myself out of bed most days, and I had no skills or talents I could make a decent living off of. And I was broke. And living with a parent who denied I was mentally ill in the first place, and HIS solution to my disability was to LITERALLY put me back into the cage that caused the brunt of it. He said, and I quote, "Sometimes it only feels like you progress when your back is up against the wall."

And I fucking hate that he was right. The last time I showed any prerogative towards my self survival and progress as a human being was when I had come to ask to live with him in highschool, back when I lived with my mother, and it was like -- something about seeing her flub the act of parenting or caring or being a real person so hard enraged me to the point of taking care of both me and my sibling and then eventually myself. It made me start looking for options to survive and carve a path out for myself. And then he essentially exiled me here, to live with her again, and when I called him and asked for help, he said that; and said Money is Freedom. it was fucking heights of covid lockdown then of course so that wasn't going to happen for another year. But the year after that everything changed rapidly. One by one I started being an adult who put his life together and was able to get his shit together tangibly enough that I could (...most of the time) afford an apartment, a car, utilities, a phone, etc... this was not the kind of person that the person running shitpostsaber could've imagined.

And I don't know what Salter thought either. Salter wasn't capable of thinking about these things. Maybe Salter thought an eternity of self harm based ironic humor was the answer. You can live by being funny, and likable, and hurting yourself for jokes while the secret only being visible to you; the spectacle of online media performance. It's why I'll always have a sort of visceral hatred for the vtuber phenomenon, for the act of separating your Self for performance, for an online audience of in particular People Into Anime And Manga And Games. And Otaku Shit. Right before I ended the blog I was working on putting together a model w/FaceRig for streaming. I'm glad I didn't finish, like many of my projects I had started.

I had to continually deny my self's existence and to overlay it with that presumed Artificiality in order to justify my existence. Because reality isn't desirable, isn't marketable, isn't cute or attractive. My sona now is fat like I am. Has roots coming in. I draw the nose a little crooked in some images, I draw the fat under his chin. I draw thick scratchy eyebrows, fat thighs and belly. He's me now. He is finally me. That representation of me, for all fantasy's worth, is still me. SPSB couldn't comprehend removing that lense of Anime Girl Funny Relatability. Or maybe couldn't imagine claiming this all as their own. Whatever the case may be, I'm freer now. I'm less possessed by trying to be something I'm not -- because I am what I am, and because I acknowledge how I've grown and what principles I operate on. I just am who I am. And all of that that exists with me is me. All the dissociative stuff, all the fatigue, all the frustration, all the issues, the spontaneity, everything. It belongs to me now. Not to the lense.

[sushisocks]

11 for the ask thing ^_^

Eeeheheheh!!!

From the Get to know your fic writer list!

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

Ohkay, oh my god, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume these aren't my own fics bcz besides the ones I wrote back in like 2018, I only have 3 out, and one isn't even finished jnbhvghbjbh

I'm also gonna limit myself to RDR2 ones bcz how many of yall are here for Drarry and Klance fic recs these days anyway?? I thought so, lmao, SO

1) OBVIOUSLY I have to start out with Faithless, by my dear friend Necromantic AKA @absolutedisaster69 !!! RDR2, Charthur, Unreliable Narrator, still ongoing, and REALLY FUCKED UP SO FAR, I am simply in LOVE with it okay. If you're looking for a completely different take on Charthur, and the VDL gang as a whole, this is IT!! AND, lol, if you look through the comment section of that fic you WILL find me in there analysing the shit out of nearly every chapter, it's WILD and I'm WILDIN'!!

2) Is one I genuinely think needs more attention -- Burn Like Whiskey Flames by Lysandra_Lewis AKA @ithinkthiswasabadidea is still my FAVORITE MacSummers fic to date. Imagine me, STARVED for content, going into the Sean/Lenny tag only to find this TREASURE of a fic buried among fics that only really list them as a sidepair. It is funny, and wholesome, and so sweet it will rot your TEETH out. It's Francesca's only RDR2 fic and it is a GIFT to the fandom, okay, and thusly SEVERELY underappreciated. When Sean comes into the lodge and starts "wooing" Lenny? Bro I've read this fic so many times and I am STILL giggling and blushing EVERY TIME!!!! They are SO dumb, and I'm genuinely obsessed with them and this fic okay!!!!

3) I mean, come on, we've all read Lost Country by iridian(ryehouses here on tumblr), right? If you haven't, it's Charthur, and don't be fooled by the coffee shop au tag because there is SO much more to this fic. It's been a while since my last readthrough of it, and I'm nearing a point where I'll want to reread again for sure, but I'll leave you with my bookmark comment to give you an idea of how I feel about this fic: "this fic changed me irrevocably. i was and am obsessed with everything about this fic. i listened to the playlist for months. certain songs still make me go feral. ill never forget how this fic made me feel." DEFINITE recommend, always!!

(Honorary mention to Strange Visitor by Necro, which I was very autistic about in its final months of posting, and is where I decided I wanted to be his friend!! One year later and I am a pest in his DMs all the time <3)

I know this just said to list them, but who in their right mind doesn't GRAB at the chance to gush about their favorite fics whenever they can? Give me a break, and go read these fantastic fics if you haven't already!!!

[blondiest]

good luck for the wip meme :3

hehehe thank you for the ask!! this one is matthalle in. to no one's fucking surprise. the universe of it's you and me, that's my whole world. because idk when ill finish this one im just gonna post most of what i have lol

Matt knows she's lucky to be alive.

She felt the blood seeping from her body, pooling on the pavement beneath her, felt the tight pain bloom in her chest whenever she tried to breathe, felt herself slipping from consciousness and thought— so this is it.

The doctors and nurses keep reminding her how lucky she is. She doesn't begrudge them that— they've taken good fucking care of her they've and been terribly patient with her piss-poor Japanese, her mediocre skills worsened by fatigue and all the drugs they have her on. Some of those drugs she's pretty sure they're not supposed to have— she wasn't allowed to bring Adderall into the country, so she'd be surprised if oxy was considered totally kosher— but she doesn't mention it. She appreciates not being in immense amounts of pain, and besides, her last comment on the laws here was met with a shower of bullets.

Come on, since when were the Japanese allowed to carry such big guns?

It's Matt's suspicion that she has Near's team to thank for her reduced suffering, and for the fact that she hasn't been dragged off to jail. Another thing she's fucking lucky for— luck, luck, more luck. Except after a few days of sitting alone in a cold, weird-smelling room, discomfort and isolation start to wear on her. Even the good shit only goes so far when it comes to managing pain, and she's got a good five gunshot wounds and a collapsed lung, and she's alone all day except when she has to shower, which is the one time she *wants* to be alone, and fuck, it gets harder and harder to stay grateful and not grouchy.

During the five days she spends in the hospital, Matt's irritability builds to something of a fever pitch. She gets exactly one visitor on day three, and it isn't even Mello or Near; it's one of Near's agents, a beefy blonde man who comes bearing a care package and gives his name as Rester. She jokingly asks if she can bum a cig, and he stiffly tells her he doesn't think smoking with a collapsed lung is wise. All further efforts at sparkling banter are promptly abandoned.

By the time she's finally deemed stable enough to discharge, Matt is itching to leave. The doctors take out her IV, give her instructions on how to proceed with her recovery, stick her in a wheelchair and tell her to wait. Her ride is meant to arrive soon, she's told.

So Matt waits. She waits ten, twenty, forty minutes, getting more and more pissed-off as the time ticks by. When the door to her room finally opens after almost an hour of waiting, she's full-on glowering, but the expression is instantaneously wiped out when she sees the woman in the doorway.

“You’re not the guy from before,” Matt blurts.

The woman smiles thinly, stepping forward and stooping slightly to offer her hand to Matt, who thankfully has the presence of mind to shake said hand instead of pressing her lips to the woman's knuckles like a fucking weirdo.

“Halle,” she says. “Forgive me for being late. Traffic was a mess.”

Matt had frankly already forgiven her the moment she walked through the door, and would forgive her in the span of a few seconds even if Halle reared back and kicked her in the stomach right now.

“Don't worry about it,” Matt manages. “I’m Matt.”

[kathuman]

Day 16: Katts started training to be a hunter when she was 14, wanting to follow her grandmother's footsteps. She didn't want to be stuck in one place and she wanted to help people and learn more about the world at the same time. Her first real hunts were likely in her late teens

Day 17: Katts is confident out in the field but when it comes to people she'd rather avoid conflict most of the time. Most issues don't seem worth arguing about to her. But if you're close to her she's a lot more willing to have a spat and certain people like to egg her on XD

Day 18: This one is hard. For just a bit of day brightening getting a bit of cake or some flowers would probably be enough! But for life being worth living, for a long time she probably wouldn't have an answer. But now I think its probably home. Having someplace filled with people she cares about and feels like she belongs that she can go to at the end of the day is pretty important to her though she'd probably think it was too sappy to admit it XD

Day 19: Katts can be a bit prickly, showing that more as she gets closer/more comfortable with someone. She doesn't love being told how to do her job and hates being told to take a break from it (even if she NEEDS to!) But what she absolutely hates the most is being lied to. Katts is pretty honest and she expects others to be honest back (its direct lies that she hates, she doesn't expect you to detail your life to her) As for hating an individual that goes to Donovan, her ex. He deserves it.

Day 20: This is a big one so expect a few posts. Katts had not the best life growing up. When Katts was very little she admired her grandmother a lot. Her dad didn't share this feeling because she had been an absent mother for him and with no dad he was raised by an aunt and grew up with very little anything from his mother. He was also resentful that he had failed as a hunter the one thing he thought would have gotten her attentions. So he was pretty reluctant to have her around but his wife wanted to mend the relationship so encouraged her to visit.

This honestly went okay until she (Katts' mom) died in an accident when Katts was 7. This caused a spiral of depression and resentment that made Katts' dad not only push his mother away again but also his daughter. He became neglectful but also even more extremely against Katts' growing desire to follow her grandmother's footsteps to become a hunter.

At age 14 she ran away to stay with her grandmother. Katts finally got to train to be a hunter but her grandmother, though she loved her, was very strict and had some not great opinions on relationships especially which honestly stunted Katts a bit socially. She wasn't given the time to build friendships with other kids.

Dating was, while not prohibited, extremely frowned on as frivolous. Katts' first real relationship ended badly when she found out her hunter boyfriend had been engaged the whole time (he WAS trying to end that but honestly he fucked everything up start to finish by not doing so first or at least being open about it) causing an 'I told you so' moment

Not long after this her grandmother died from a long standing illness leaving Katts with only Archimedes and a handful of guild acquaintance. Her method of coping was going where ever the Guild sent her, avoiding attachments and working alone. This wouldn't change until she went to the New World.

As for scars she's got a few! I made a ref of them a while back!

Questions 1-9 here

Questions 10-15 here

[itsjaywalkers]

hi lovey how are you <3

it's late—like,,,4am late—and im somehow spewing out actual sentences BUT i have a question and i've been debating on how to start this whole thing so ill just say fuck it n get it out there—how do you keep up with all your wips??? bc like,,,,i've started writing, and i LOVE it. it's so fun to have these ideas finally out in word format instead of just stuck in my head.

but i have a really bad habit of starting smth n then...moving on to smth else when inspiration strikes. i occasionally go back to what i was originally writing, but even then it doesn't last long before im starting a whole new story 😭 im a little peeved as i've completely abandoned this one writing i slaved away at for days abt the backstory of one of my ocs—im somewhat proud of it n i don't want to just not get back into it.

as i write this, im currently staring at my laptop as i churn out yet another story of said oc (along with multiple other ocs myself n a friend made together) n im just,,,perplexed?? i suppose, on how so many fic writers keep up with all their wips.

i realize now that im just droning on n on so ill end here. writing is a bitch but also feels me with accomplishment when i do end up finishing smth, so i was just curious as to how you work around wips n things like that.

hello darling, i'm okay!! kinda dreading today's shift, but it is what it is. how are u tho??

and to be honest with u, i don't keep up with my wips like . at all . i do try to maintain some order, and sometimes i forbid myself from working on a story in favour of focusing on another one, but it doesn't always work, and there are times in which i really want to work on a fic even tho it's not a priority or supposed to be posted any time soon. but still, i try not to beat myself up over it, bc fanfiction is a hobby and something that i do for fun!! it shouldn't feel like a chore, so even if i do want to keep a schedule or alternate between wips so i can have some resemblance of balance, it's not really necessary, or even possible, considering the amount of wips i have lmao. it's our work and our writing, we're free to never finish anything if we don't want to, or to write 13847872648 fics at the same time, or to write only one for the rest of our lives. there are no rules or a right way to go about it yk??? i totally get the need to . focus on just one project, or at least be able to finish something, anything, but it'll happen at some point, i promise, and u should never force yourself, especially when it comes to an activity u do bc u love it and enjoy it

it's different if we talk about original fiction or original characters.. at least in my case!! i didn't get into writing fanfic until a few years ago, but i've been writing original stories since i can remember!! in fact there's this one i'm very slowly making progress with, that i came up with back when i was 17, and that i really want to . finish someday and hopefully try and publish it. for me, and when i'm really passionate about a project, like with this one, i do . force myself to not write anything else . it's inevitable to get new ideas, so i write them down, i make pinterest boards and even outlines, and occassionally, i also start them, write a lil of them when i need a break or to scratch the itch. but otherwise i just . do my best to stick to the one that i really love and i'm the proudest of. i do tend to hyperfixate and obsess a lot, so it's not THAT hard for me, bc even if i do get distracted sometimes, i always come back to this story. especially since i've been working on it for almost 5 years now, and i know it like the back of my hand. i could write three prequels and four sequels lol

so really, i don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about this. one of my best friends, and a writer i quite admire, jumps from a wip to another all the time, and also struggles to finish a story, but she just . trusts the process . lets herself have fun and write whatever she wants every day . it's been a while since she last finished something but she isn't too worried yk?? she enjoys what she does, and what matters is that she keeps writing. every person is different, and the way they approach writing is, too!!

my advice is to try and find out what works best for u and to stop beating yourself up over something that might be out of ur control. if u have this one story that's really important to u and that u really wanna finish, then maybe ur gonna have to practise some self-discipline, and force yourself a little, forbid yourself from getting distracted with these other shiny new ideas. but if doing that ruins the whole thing for u and sucks the fun out of writing then . take it one day at a time, focus on something different each day, and start 4 stories in the same week. it doesn't matter babe!! writing is an art, there's not a correct way to do it!!

[rogertaylorshbb]

"friends" roger Taylor fanfic {part 2}

I'm gonna be doing 4 parts to this story, part 3 will be posted soon, enjoy!!

the next day you contemplated whether you should actually help roger or not. as much as you would love to go out with Daniel, ava was your best friend and you wouldn't want her to get her heart broken by roger who you knew had girls jumping at him left and right.

At break you sat on a bench outside reading your favorite book when you were disturbed by roger again. "hey so have you talked to ava yet?" he sat down beside you putting his arm spread out across the bench.

"no, because I'm not going to, I take back the deal" you said.

"why, you shook on it!" he responded.

"look, why do you need my help, I've seen how you are with the girls why cant you pick her up yourself if you want her so bad, and in the end I know your probably gonna break her heart anyway, roger, get another one night stand" you explained shutting your book.

"I'm not gonna break her heart, and so what if I just want a one night stand, please y/n, I promise. I- I've tried to talk to her but she's always busy, and this seems more easier, just chat her up about how amazing I am and ill do the rest" he begged.

"its gonna be a bit hard to say your amazing, guess ill have to lie, and if you hurt her I swear to god you will never see the light of day" you harshly smiled.

"I will not hurt her, I swear on it, and trust me ill get you and Daniel a date" he smiled crossing his legs.

you rolled your eyes and waved goodbye walking back to your dorm room. once you entered your dorm room ava was there. she was sitting on your bed reading a music magazine. "oh y/n, so glad to see you!" she jumped up hugging you. "hey, same here, what you doing" you asked making small conversation. "oh just some reading" she said sitting back down.

"ugh y/n, I am so bored, there's nothing to do, all I do is read and read, why don't we ever go out to parties and stuff like we used to!!" she complained with a smile. this was your chance to bring up roger.

"well why don't you find a date...hm that could be nice maybe, find a nice guy, one night stand?" you said.

"a date? I mean that could work, there's no cute guys though" she sighed.

"why-" ah fuck this was gonna be hard to say "why don't you go out with roger"

"roger?" ava laughed "your talking about the stupid and rude roger taylor, are you trying to kill me"

"I'm being serious, he- he's actually not bad, he- uh- he actually apologized for giving me a hard time and you know if you have a one night stand with him you wont get attached" you shrugged.

"huh....I guess he's not bad looking with those blue eyes and all, maybe eh, he always sleeping with girls" she said thinking hard about if it was a good idea or not.

"I mean, what's there to lose, a-" this was also gonna be incredibly hard to say "cute, experienced guy for one night" you spoke.

"well" ava laughed "some girls have told me some pretty cool stuff about him in bed-"

"ew, shut up" you laughed throwing a pillow at her before she could finish. "well you have convinced me y/n!" she got up from your bed "I need to go now, my mum wants to have a 'family meeting' ugh, but ill come back later, bye" she hugged you and made her way out.

*rogers pov*

y/n walked away from me I had finally convinced her to talk to ava about her going out with me, but now I had to keep up my end of the deal, talking to Daniel.

I walked into Daniels dorm room. "hey thought you had band practice?" Daniel questioned. :"nah, I canceled on Brian" I responded.

"then why aren't you bothering some chick" Daniel laughed.

"eh not in the mood, why aren't you?" I questioned.

"ha ha roger, you know I'm not looking too date right now, I have to focus on my studying" Daniel said.

"ugh what a bore! c'mon, why wont you find a girlfriend, do you wanna be alone forever?" I put my hands on my hips.

"alone? I have friends, you for example" Daniel smiled.

"like why don't you go out with someone nice...y/n for a uh- random example" I suggested.

"y/n, huh? why would you say that, thought you didn't like her?" Daniel raised and eyebrow at me.

"so what if I don't like her, saw you too talking today, you guys could make a cute couple" I shrugged.

"c'mon there's a party at bens house on Saturday, why don't you ask her?" I continued.

"fine ill ask her just get off my back about it, jeez" Daniel chuckled.

"well, wanna go out to the movies, I have tickets?" I questioned.

"yeah, wait ill get my shoes" Daniel said picking up his worn out runners.

@sarcastic-sourwolf

[worldwright]

good evening ! im super early today bc im dying lmao

man, it was so fucking hard to fall asleep after my war against that fucking stinkbug, and someone i wont name fucking deserted and left her leader to fight this great and horrifying enemy

anyway, i checked which fucking painkiller i can take, and the only one i can is paracetamol but this fucker does nothing to my headaches, so im switching entirely to water from tea bc it works better than a fucking painkiller

i slept bad (what a surprise), my father woke me up bc he couldnt find me (man, the only day he wants to know where the fuck i am is the only where i dont wnat him to find him), a headache is there and my nap didnt help ;-; but at least i finished my second watch of glass onion (started last week) and watched the episode of dunmesh and now i can say w/o any doubt that chilchuck is my fav -he was from the very beginning but ude, now im sure)

ill be able to finally sleep in my bed tonight yay

and here a picture the coward from this morning (or icecream, or latte, or whatever you like to compare her to. my friends call her "table basse" [coffee table] or "chieng en format familial" [familiy-sized doggo]. youre too kind with your nicknames for her lol)

have a wonderful morning with your partner my friend !

o how decadent is her lounging !! would that we could all feel the same peace 😌❤️

(no that is not proper English grammar don't copy me 😭😭)

hehe tiny emojis 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🍃🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

immmmmm so excited to hang out with people I felt like I was withering lmfao

I think I'm gonna go up to see all my friends next weekend, since all of them are once again living in their dream life shared apartment with the besties ughhhh I can't wait to live there

the new office manager at my job is so cool :3 he's incredibly gay lmfao

I've officially caught up on apothecary diaries. ugh what do I do with my life now

obviously the answer is wait impatiently for every new episode and write analysis posts in the meantime

mmm I wanna reread witch hat atelier...... next week downtime obsession found 👍👍

egg salad last night was all right! I accidentally added too much mayonnaise and then had to overcorrect from there, so it ended up not having as much egg per volume as it should have. but still tasty and nutritious :3

speaking of food you're SO valid about Chilchuck. he's just ❤️❤️❤️ This Is A Divorced Father Of Three With Extreme Communication Issues ❤️❤️❤️ who looks like a middle schooler 🥰🥰🥰

also chatted with a friend about our fic ideas, which was really fun. the problem is that I have a really fleshed-out AU, but I don't know what actual plot to put in the AU. lol. ahhhhhhh

girlfriend weekend!!!!! girlfriend weekend!!!!!!!!

hope your headache goes away in time for you to get good sleep tonight!!