#one day i will write the fic where alice asks jasper to hold onto the important things for her before she loses her memories again

[goldeneyedgirl]

Thoughts or headcanons on Alice learning her name from a vision of Jasper creating a whole paradox?? I know it's suppose to be mysterious and magical and all but I do think it's special and romantic that their connection is beyond, you know, basic logic. I like to think of that as something from past lives

I honestly find this SO interesting because 'Alice' was a part of her human name! Like, implies Time Shenanigans, and I am obsessed with Time Shenanigans. And I feel like Meyer missed a huge opportunity to run with that because it would have been so easy to just write it off as "Jasper gave me my name; when I was human my name was Mary." Which is still so romantic and beautiful but not nearly as layered and intimate as Alice reclaiming a fragment of her human self through Jasper calling her by her name.

So what happened in canon? Arguably at some point, there was evidence of Alice's name found - whether that was Alice finding a piece of paper tucked in her hand that said "your name is Alice", or the decision to try and decipher her past whilst she waits for Jasper was a possibility. At a certain point, she knew she was Alice. And that's how she introduced herself to Jasper. That's what triggered the vision of him calling her that.

Except in those last moments before Alice was awake, something changed. The piece of paper blew away, metaphorically, and she's left with no way of knowing she's Alice - except for her very first vision, for this one person who visibly loves her, saying that she's Alice. So that's how she introduces herself. And that's a beautiful love story. I really appreciate and prefer moments that have Jasper and Alice put each other back together, and not just Alice being Jasper's 'savior'. They saved each other, and that's just a vibe I live for.

But, like you anon, I love the red-string-of-fate/past lives explanation. That Jasper was always going to know Alice, no matter what happened. That in some kind of multi-verse, they've met an infinite amount of times, and fallen in love an infinite amount of times. In some of those worlds, Alice remembers her name, remembers her life. That Jasper is there to hold onto the important things for her when she can't. That's so gorgeous and interesting to me.

[malereader-inserts]

Another New Year

Fandom: Twilight Pairing: Jasper Hale x Male!Reader Summary: You’re just thankful for the new year. Word Count: 1,022 Request:  Hi!! I really love all your writing!!💙💙 and if you’re still taking requests could you do a Jasper Hale x male reader fic that’s super fluffy with a vampire reader? Warning: Underage Drinking

Happy New Year!

It was Alice’s bright idea as per usual.��

This time, she had convinced everyone that they will be hosting a New Years Eve Party, though whilst Rosalie and Jasper had protested because humans, Edward reminding Alice what happened the last party they held, but Alice put her foot down. 

You and Emmett weren’t that bothered, you actually interacted with Bella’s friend and out of the whole coven - you were the most sociable vampire, from Bella’s words. Now, of course, you were apprehensive, Jasper was your soulmate and whilst he does his best at school, you think that hosting a party would push him over the edge since it’s his break away from the humans.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop Alice from putting her foot down and making preparation, already inviting many people to the party before they broke up for winter break.

Jasper hasn’t been too vocal towards you about his feelings about the party, if anything he’s been distracting himself from it, Carlisle had taken him out for a long hunt with Esme and Rose, they didn’t return for three days, so it was your job as a responsible member of the family to make sure the rest who was left behind didn’t cause much of a mess.

Though, that’s hard to do when it’s Alice complaining to Edwards as Emmett tries to annoy Edward, also trying to stop Bella from doing something reckless with Emmett because she’s still human.

The party was quick to start, Emmett was on music, keeping the house lively as it was Carlisle and Esme buying the kids drinks, the Cullens telling other students that their parents will turn a blind eye. Plus, Bella was there so Charlie knows not to go to the Cullen’s house.

It’s not like they were bothering anyone, they lived in the forest. Jasper watched how kids were getting drunk over three or four cups of beer, he scrunched up his nose at the smell of drunken kids.

His eyes scan the room, looking for one person in particular, though failing to find that certain someone. He moves to the next room, seeing more kids getting hammered, but with the aid of a game. He sees that you are not in that room cheering Rose thrash some poor jock. 

Jasper chuckles to himself because Rose has always been competitive and she has no mercy to show who was boss between her and anyone who challenges her. 

“Hey, Bella,” Jasper shouted over the music, grabbing the girl by her elbow, “Have you seen (Y/n)?”

Bella looked at the blond and nodded, “Out on the balcony, he said it was a bit too much for him so he went upstairs to sit about, but I saw him standing out on his room balcony when I went outside for a bit.”

Jasper nods, cheering his thanks, letting her go as he weaves his way towards upstairs. Tactically placing his cup of beer down, hoping no one had seen that he hadn’t taken a sip out of it. He hopes if he passed by where he left that cup that someone would claim it as his. 

Alice had agreed that they lock their rooms, whilst they don’t need a bed to sleep, they had other activities that went down on that furniture and no one wanted to catch high schoolers having a wild night. Vampires can’t have a heart attack, but the thought of sex to Edward was repulsive that he got an extra lock on his room. 

Jasper unlocks your room’s door and enters, kicking the door behind and locking it. Almost immediately, the blasting music becomes muffled. 

Jasper relaxed because your room was his room. He could just lie in bed, tucked in, with you by his side as you watch whatever you felt like it - you have eternal you spend, and it fascinates both you and Jasper how the world was changing, constantly.

Jasper slides the door open of the balcony door to see you leaning against the railings.

“Hello, darling,” Jasper greeted, placing a gentle hand on your back, rubbing up and down reassuringly, finally kissing your temple.

“Hello, cowboy,” You greeted back, a fond smile upon your face.

“Are you okay?” Jasper questions, looking at you, he doesn’t need to ask - he could feel what you’re feeling, but it never hurts to ask, “Bella had mentioned that-”

“I’m okay, Jas,” You cut him off, placing your hand on his, “I’m just thinking that we’re entering another year with each other, it’s nice.”

Jasper squeezes your hand, “Yes, it’s rather nice.”

You nodded, “I’m glad I met you, Jasper, I’m glad that you’re the one that has my heart, that mates with my soul. You really do bring the best of me.”

“Awh, shucks,” Jasper teases as you rolled your eyes, “I couldn’t have asked for a better husband, a better soulmate.”

There was silence as you go to hug him, whilst you two are vampires and only emit coldness, there was warmth as if it was transmitted out from your chest from warm love. You stand there in each other’s arms looking out into the forest, seeing how people were moving out to the front.

“I’m surprised you managed without me for a few hours, Jasper, especially around humans.”

“I’m not a child, (Y/n), plus I went on a hunting trip with Carlisle, the thirst won’t be bad,” Jasper complained as you chuckle, sometimes your husband could act a little childish.

The two of you could hear the countdown, people starting to count down from ten seconds as the two of you could see your coven leader standing out front, risking himself by lighting fireworks, it made you chuckle a bit, but you could see Esme watching with concern in her eyes despite that she was also helping set fireworks off.

As everyone chants out the number one, the first firework goes up, setting itself ablaze. Jasper holds onto you a little longer, you smile as you kissed his temple.

“Happy New Year, my love,” You spoke tenderly, watching the fireworks in its pretty colours.

“Happy New Year, darling.”

[tickle-fic-chick]

Rematch || A Twilight Tickle Fic

Author’s Note: Finally got a fic whipped up! I’ve been struggling to find the motivation to write recently. Schoolwork just has me so burnout. However, after reading some more of Midnight Sun today, I got the burst of motivation needed to write this little gem. This fic is inspired by Emmett’s constant desire to wrestle with his siblings and his tendency to lose against said siblings. I hope you all enjoy!

The day started off peaceful enough. It was summer, so the Cullens didn’t have to worry about masking in front of humans for two more months, and Bella had decided to come over for the day. In the privacy of their backyard, the Cullens were soaking up the sunlight that had decided to grace Forks that day. They had each paired off to sit with their respective partner; Edward and Bella, Jasper and Alice, Emmett and Rosalie, and Carlisle and Esme. It was a rare moment of peace...until Emmett suddenly got up from his spot and moved towards Edward. The mind reader knew what Emmett wanted before he’d even opened his mouth. His mind was practically screaming his intentions. “I want a rematch!” Edward’s eyebrows raised, lips quirking upwards into a small grin. “I’m sorry?” Bella looked between the two with confusion, frowning. “Rematch?” She questioned. Emmett nods, arms crossed over his broad chest. “He cheated during our wrestling match yesterday! I want a rematch!” He reiterated. The determination in his voice made it clear that he wouldn’t take no for an answer without having to pry into his thoughts. “I told you, I didn’t cheat.” Edward replies calmly, making Emmett snort. “Yeah right! I know you were reading my thoughts! You matched all of my moves perfectly!” The smaller vampire’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “You just can’t accept the fact that I bested you.”

That was the wrong reply. Bella gasped as Emmett suddenly launched himself at her boyfriend. If Edward had known what was coming, he hadn’t reacted in time, and he found himself struggling against his larger sibling. The two rolled on the ground, trying to pin the other down. A shadow appeared behind Bella, making her turn. Alice stood there, beaming down at her and offering a hand. “You’ll want to move out of the way. This is going to be a rough match.” She chuckled. Bella takes her hand, stumbling a little as she is pulled to her feet. “Do they do this often?” She asked, eyes glancing back towards the skirmish on the ground. “All the time. The boys love their wrestling matches.” She guides Bella to a new spot, sitting down next to Jasper and pecking his lips. Bella looked away awkwardly; Alice and Jasper’s relationship was a little too intense for her at times. You could tell just by looking at them that they absolutely adored each other. Their unspoken devotion was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Maybe that’s how they felt about her and Edward. Bella was pulled from her thoughts as Alice’s bell-like voice spoke up again. “Who are you betting on, Jazz?” She asked her mate. Jasper chuckled, watching his brothers fight for dominance. “Not sure. They both seem pretty determined this time.” He replies. Of course, Alice already knew who would win, but revealing that would spoil the fun.

Edward seemed to be gaining the upper hand. While Emmett was stronger, by quite a lot, the auburn-haired vampire had tricks of his own. Emmett had been right; he was using his powers. While he hadn’t used them in their previous match, the other’s accusations had spurred him to actually cheat this time around. Well, could it really be considered cheating? After all, Emmett had the strength advantage, so it was only fair that Edward even the playing field. The larger male’s thoughts shifted from playfulness to full-on mischief. Before Edward could react, Emmett’s hands had shot up and were digging into his exposed sides. Edward yelped, nearly toppling off of his opponent, barely managing to hold his position. He bit down on his lower lip, holding back the giggles that were already bubbling up in his throat. His eyes narrowed, though the grin tugging at his lips ruined the effect. “N-Now who’s cheating?” He growled, hating himself for stuttering. Emmett’s grin only grew as he suddenly flips their positions, pinning Edward under him. He grabs the smaller vampire’s wrists, hauling them over his head as he attacks his brother’s ribs. “You cheated first!” He retorts, fingers expertly seeking out the spots he knew were most sensitive. By now Edward couldn’t even hope to hold back his reactions, bursting into loud laughter. “Emmehehehehehett!” The ravenette chuckled. “What’s wrong, too ticklish?” He teased, raking his fingers down Edward’s rib cage.

Bella watched, eyes widened with surprise. While she knew Edward was ticklish, and had even seen him be tickled before, she had never heard him laugh this loudly. Rosalie’s voice rang out from her spot across the yard. “Give him hell, Emmett!” The blonde called to her mate. Even from a distance, Bella could see her perfect lips turned upwards into a grin. Her eyes went to Carlisle and Esme next, who were watching their adoptive children play with smiling faces. Bella glanced over at Alice and Jasper, who seemed to have a similar reaction. This clearly wasn’t a rare occurrence in the Cullen household. Alice caught her gaze and laughed, the sound musical and pleasant. “Edward’s always been the easiest to break. He’s just too ticklish for his own good.” Edward seemed to have heard this, his laughter increasing slightly. “Ahahahahahahahalice!” He would have been blushing, if it were possible for him to do so. “She’s just telling the truth, Eddie. Shouldn’t Bella know all about your little weakness if you’re going to be spending an eternity together?” Emmett crooned, fingers scribbling up to Edward’s armpits. The ravenette ducks down, adding to the torment by gnawing at Edward’s neck. The smaller vampire screeched, struggling desperately under his brother’s hold. “NOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHA! E-EHEHEHEHEHEHEMMETT!” He cried, head thrown back with a wide grin stretched across his face. He couldn’t get away, couldn’t think straight. Any hopes he might have had about forming an escape plan were dashed.

Once again, Bella found her attention drawn away from the ticklish display when she noticed movement in the corner of her eye. Turning, she watched as Jasper slowly got to his feet. Alice looked at him knowingly, a smirk tugging at her lips. “You’ll lose.” She warned. The blonde returned the smirk, shooting the two a wink. “I know.” Bella watched with confusion as he made his way towards his brothers. His movements were careful and calculating; he was trying not to draw attention to himself. It dawned on the human what he was trying to do and she couldn’t help but smile. “He can’t be serious.” Bella laughed quietly. “Oh, his mind is made up. Even if he knows he’ll lose, Jasper rarely changes his mind once he’s decided on something. The best he can hope for is getting in a good attack before Emmett turns the tables.” Alice replied, watching her mate with amusement. Jasper stopped a few feet away, muscles tensing. Suddenly, he leaped towards the two, going for Emmett’s ribs. If he could get the other down, he would have access to his stomach, which would afford Edward enough time to recover and help. However, things didn’t go according to plan. At some point, Emmett had become aware of Jasper’s impending attack, and he was ready for it. When Jasper moved forward, Emmett’s arm shot out and grabbed him. He pulled the blonde to the ground, pinning him next to Edward. Jasper’s eyes widened in surprise; clearly he hadn’t expected to be caught so early. The ravenette briefly paused his attack on Edward, though the other was still giggling wildly. Bella almost couldn’t believe it; Edward was giggling.

“Now, look what I’ve got here. Two cheaters in need of a lesson.” Emmett smirks down at his captives. “How did I cheat?” Jasper retorts, struggling in Emmett’s grip. If either victim truly wanted to get away, it wouldn’t have been hard. It seemed they were having too much fun to escape now. “Attacking from behind? Hardly an honorable move, Jazz. Well, look where it landed you.” Emmett’s fingers curled into their stomachs teasingly. Edward, already weakened from the first attack, instantly let out a loud giggle. Jasper barely contained his reaction, body tense and eyes locked onto Emmett’s. “It you go for his knees, he’ll break quickly! Go for the ribs and he’ll last longer!” Alice called. The former soldier’s heart would have leaped out of his chest if it could. “Traitor!” A grin instantly spread across Emmett’s lips. “Is that so? Thanks for the tips, Alice! Now, do I wanna make this quick, or do I want to drag it out.” At the word drag he raked his nails down his siblings’ ribs. Both vampires burst into chortles, trying to hold in their laughter. “I-I’m sohohoho going to get you for this.” Edward states. “Hm, I think I wanna go straight for the kill today.” Emmett’s hands lunged forward, attacking with renewed vigor. One went to Edward’s armpit, drilling into the ticklish hollow and sending the immortal into a laughing frenzy. The other hand latched onto Jasper’s knee, squeezing rapidly. Jasper’s laughter instantly burst forth, joining Edward’s in a chorus of ticklish screams. “EHEHEHEHEHEHEM, PLEHEHEHEHEHEASE!” Edward squealed. Bella never thought she would hear such a sound leave her lover’s lips. “NAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! D-DOHOHOHOHON’T!” Jasper cackled.

Emmett kept up the attack for several minutes, not letting up for even a moment. His fingers expertly sought out the spots he knew were the most sensitive. Since they were vampires, he didn’t need to worry about them running out of air or growing tired. Theoretically, he could have tickled them forever, and there would have been no negative physical repercussions. However, he knew his brothers’ limits, and when their laughter couldn’t go an octave higher he finally pulled back. While vampires didn’t need to breath, or to rest, the two seemed downright exhausted. They laid on the ground, arms shooting down to protect themselves from any further attacks. “Damn, you didn’t hold back.” Jasper chuckles, resting his head against the cool grass. “I never do.” The ravenette smirked, looking to Edward. “Did you have fun? Oh, who am I kidding, I know you did.” Edward shot him a playful glare. “Shut up.” He grumbled, though his grin betrayed his true emotions. He glanced over at Bella, the human returning his look with a chuckle. “Never knew you could laugh so hard.” Edward had never been more glad he couldn’t blush. She was never going to let him live that down. Still, he would’ve been lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it. “Now you know what happens when you cheat.” Emmett’s words caused Edward and Jasper’s eyes to meet. There was a silent agreement before the two launched themselves at their brother, fingers instantly digging into the muscled stomach. Once again, the Cullen’s lives were filled with laughter, and none of them would’ve had it any other way.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 7]

The penultimate chapter!

Warnings this time include sex, violence, and a few references to what went down in the previous installments. 

Recap: Tiaa learned that her father is a vampire, and that she would become one herself if she had sex with Edward. Guess what she did. (Also, she killed Uncle Larry and drank his blood.)

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

thanx for the revews!

You’re so welcome!

Chapter 7 - Surprises!

I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute.

Vampires don’t sleep, and no one wakes up “sheepishly.”

I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie.

Vampires don’t eat breakfast, either. Unless she plans on eating Dave and Marie. I wouldn’t object.

THey look at me and smiles adoringly.

You do have a beta reader, right?

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness.

Marie freaks me the hell out. Why is she so perky?

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before.

If you can possibly imagine that, because Tiaa’s descriptions of herself in previous chapters weren’t exactly modest.

My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac.

So in the Twilight universe, vampire eye color depends on how recently they last fed and what they last fed on. A vampire with human blood in their system will have red eyes; a hungry vampire has black eyes; vampires who eat nonhuman animals (like Edward and his family) have gold eyes after feeding. Tiaa ate Uncle Larry last night, and she’s newly turned, so she definitely has human blood in her body. Her eyes should be red.

I guess her hair’s the same except for the dye job, though, because she used to have multiple colors streaked into her hair and now she just has purple. Not sure how being a vampire would affect that, honestly.

I was radiant and magical and looked awesome.

I love this sentence.

My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed.

I’m just hoping that she still smells like mint and cinnamon.

Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring.

Must be one of those newfangled atomic phones.

Dave answered it.

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" and he hung up

Nice vocabulary, Dave. Nice job hanging up on the caller, too.

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling

Why is she always smiling? Is her face stuck like that?

"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad!

Yeah, you seem real…

(wait for it…)

…torn up about it.

he was my brother"

Not sure why he needed to remind everyone. Can’t imagine Uncle Larry was a pleasant brother, though, since his entire character consisted of being ugly and evil.

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school.

That’s not suspicious or anything! Actually, wait, it’s Dave and Marie; they won’t suspect a thing.

Also, I pictured her doing this like Gir from Invader Zim.

I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him!

No, you totally should have killed him.

I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me.

Wow! Love the description!

it was a bear - a big panda bear!

…this is happening in a small town in Washington State, correct?

it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

She’s not wrong.

But, then again, in the context of this story I guess it’s not too implausible.

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused

You and me both, girl.

"WTF?" i screamed!

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles.”

Well, thank god, because I have no idea how to pronounce that first thing you said.

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiously

Why is she angry?

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"

Oh, I get it. So I think I mentioned this earlier, but in the Twilight universe some vampires gain a special ability after being turned — typically an amplification of some ability they possessed as a human. That’s how come Edward can read minds, his sister Alice has visions of the future, his brother Jasper can influence the moods of others, and so on. Tiaa’s ability to communicate with animals comes out of nowhere only in the sense that it wasn’t foreshadowed; the power fits with canon otherwise.

I’m pretty sure one vampire having multiple extra abilities is unheard of, though. There goes Tiaa breaking the rules again. (Though at this point… after all she’s been through… I guess she deserves something good for a change, no?)

"like watt?" i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me.

Hey, hold up. How does the panda know all this shit? Like… how does he know who Tiaa is? How does he know about how vampires work? Even allowing that Tiaa can communicate with animals now, how come this one is demonstrating human-like sapience?

You know what, none of this will ever get explained and I’m done thinking about it. Let’s move on.

I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling!

This power actually makes sense for volatile, moody Tiaa, but it’s not gonna be very useful until she learns to control it. Which might never happen because this girl is an emotional loose cannon. Also we’re on the second-to-last chapter.

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol" said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"

Nice going, author. I like how you had Snoofles know things he shouldn’t and then had him not know how he knows those things he shouldn’t. Great writing! Allows you to avoid explaining anything at all!

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles.

I, too, was totally weirded out by your meeting with Snoofles.

I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.

Maybe because they did this every day anyway?

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes.

That is what one typically does in gym class, yes.

i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light.

Being subtle, I see! Good going convincing everyone you’re still human!

Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls and I slapped her in the face.

Did Lauren just try and teabag Tiaa?

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag

I swear this fic has the best similes I have ever seen.

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever

And this is relevant why?

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!"

Well put, Lauren.

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.

Nasty! Can’t say I feel bad for Lauren, though.

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren.

Oh, come on. Lauren is just a bully, admittedly, but Uncle Larry was a rapist — a particularly violent one committing repeated rape against a teenager, no less. Killing him was just taking out the trash. And Lauren should be okay-ish after a few skin grafts.

I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it.

She headed to an Emilie Autumn concert after school or what?

Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

A voices. One voice, but it’s plural. Got it.

(I wanna make a System Shock joke here but I can’t think of a good one.)

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward.

No one on this planet talks like that. I don’t care what time period you’re from.

i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.

…alright, I’m not sure how to react to that.

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness.

I’m pretty sure vampires can’t faint. Did he pretend to faint? Because, if so, that’s really funny.

Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward

“Im trunign into a My Immortal characted!11!11!!1” I yielded depressingly as blod streemed down my iviory fetnures. “Ewdard fangz 4 all da help but not even u can salve me now. I”m gong to go slit my rists with a steak so i can end my live of mizery!112!!!!11111”

“OMS no Tiaa dont go!” Edwerd shooted sadly but it waz 2 latte. I cut miself with da knife and da word went blak.

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"

Okay, but like… Edward knows your “uncle” had been raping and beating you repeatedly. The Lauren thing might be considered bad, since her main crime was just being an asshole, but Tiaa didn’t mean to hurt her like that, so it’s not really her fault.

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me

Dude has a point.

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped

Hey, wanna play a drinking game? Take a shot every time Edward starts crying. Finish your drink every time Edward goes immediately from putting the moves on Tiaa to saying he can’t be with her or vice versa. I guarantee you will get very, very drunk.

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!"

That’s a reasonable ultimatum except for the part where she propositioned him for sex while they’re in a public area of their high school.

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow and I cant be with her anymore!

Get wrecked, Bella.

I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"

See? Was that so hard?

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect.

Get a grip, kids, you’re at school.

I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot.

What part of “get a grip” was so hard for you to understand?

He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

This is shaping up to be a very vague sex scene, huh?

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

I didn’t get any girls in high school, but I guess it was probably because I didn’t speak in butchered old-timey English, huh? Nothing gets teenage girls going like a little bizarre grammar!

I found some handcuffs on a bench and I tied him to a hook.

I could get analytical about what it means for Tiaa, who was chained to a bed and nearly raped the day before, to develop an interest in restraining her sexual partners… but I’m far more confused by why the hell there are handcuffs laying around in a high school.

he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing.

Why is it lavender? Is he okay?

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth.

I’m far from being a seasoned erotica writer, but if you go from the beginning of the sex act to the climax in a single sentence it really makes it sound like your character came about 10 seconds in. Which, even for a 17-year-old boy, is pretty embarrassing.

The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.

I really don’t think it was, actually.

Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE?

It was……………………………. DUMBLEDORE!!11!!!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"

It was Bella Swan!

Okay, that had to have been a homage to “My Immortal.” And god bless!

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