#one day closer to being happy
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Everlasting A5
#when I tried to post this tumblr signed me out of my account???#all that work and I wasn't even happy with it halfway through but now I love this thang. yay#X's clock hand has no gears on it for lore reasons and not because I didn't wanna draw it I swear#this is actually the first time I've drawn both Abram and Abel. Abram was a darling to draw and Abel had his face redrawn 14 times#I believe it's physically impossible not to make Adam look real pretty in literally anything. plus I took tattoo liberties and I like em#he's barefoot in my heart but unfortunately I cannot draw feet.#anyways. justifications:#Time Duck as an abno has its event centred around what one perceives it to be - a rabbit or a duck#this links to Fau in how it can be unclear when it is her and when it is the Gesellschaft. who she is at any one point is somewhat up to yo#and I think it links very similarly to the A5 - are they truly all one in the same#or are they different people with the same - or similar enough - starting points#especially for X - which is why he's the goopy-est - is he simply Ayin once again or has he changed to the point of being his own person#that goes for every loop's X as well. can the same shape change enough in ones eyes to become an entirely different animal#also the time theme and Fau's corrosion quote 'Thus. You cease to move. Trapped in the stopped time. For eternity'#is an obvious reference to the time loop shenanigans at L Corp HQ#they are all trapped by him in the same 50 days. never to move forward with the rest of the world. for a practical eternity#also doomsday clock on Fau's corrosion is a reference to how A and D keep paralleling eachother and probably know eachother from somewhere#the tremor on the E.G.O is like how each thing that happened brought him closer to the brink [aka the stagger threshold]#and the sinking on the gift [gestures at Abram]#plus the mechanical theme connects to how Ayin looked towards the seemingly infallible idea of the machine in his time of need#fanart#ayin lobcorp#abram lobcorp#abel lobcorp#adam lobcorp#x lobcorp#lobotomy corporation#limbus company#ššššš#NEVER DRAW GEARS PLEASE JUST TRUST ME ON THIS ONE IT IS NEVER WORTH IT
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There is gonna be more than that coming from the poll, but whatever it is vote Kacchan/Deku for best hero. Idc who wins i just need them to be together again
if they just announced it today without saying anything before, I would probably immediately do it.
Right now im just bitter because of the hype -I thought it would at least slightly relate to the actual story (adaptations of other stories, extra content for the volume which once again may I remind everyone is extremely short, almost half what a manga volume usually looks which is a huge problem).
This disappointed me extremely, as its not even related to any content from the manga beyond the characters it uses. I get that many ppl will work on this, and that artist will get excited over being able to get the spotlight, some will be able to ask specific questions, and a character will get a statue and a movie.
Still extremely disappointed because of the "special project will be announced on the 5th *wink wink*".
I can't feel excitement over it as, in my mind, I lost something that felt better -more content related to the story. So at best this would be "oh cool I can try it", a feeling pretty similar to the other announcements -not my favorite thing in the world, but I wont reject it and try to see what comes out of it.
This isnt at best to me right now
#grrr talking#grrr being a hater#literally one of the special things was already announced -the fan book#bc im feeling negative I will say negative stuff here so beware#as far as I saw the fan book is a way of getting another product without paying artists#and days before we already knew it would happen#the statue thing feels like the art exhibition like okay thats cool still doesnt compare to more stories like at all#and I will never see any of that in person ever so why would I get extra happy about that?#I know this is an homage so we can feel like we are closer to their world and all but the statues have a bad connotation there#vote so we can see the protagonist and the deuteragonist in a movie#im sorry why do we need to massively vote so they get content? they are literally the most important characters#and what would even be the movie about? For all I know they could do whatever they wanted with the characters#a movie based on who the most popular character is... great. unless passionate ppl are involved in the project it doesnt sound like a good#a good story could come out of it#as its based on who is most popular among voters not an actual story the characters need#so unless 278 characters already have backstories and stuff planned that would get explored in a movie#i dont trust what they could do with this#and I dont want to give them my hope. They didnt need to make an announcement for the announcement#that only has made me feel super bitter#will I get over it later in the day? probably#I still want to express myself#the only thing in my mind about using this opportunity is still bitter lmao#just asking why didnt you make them hold hands#because I can try to justify it with my own theories#but that doesnt mean anything now does it
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it is a different kind of communication, this sort of kissing, than language, and although it is very important ā practically nobody would be in the world if it were not for kissingĀ ā it cannot last forever.
#a very happy valentine's day to you ! šāØš¤#lemony snicket#beatrice baudelaire#poison for breakfast#asoue#asoueedit#laineysedit#okay tags out of the way - some director's commentary for you you tag reader you#i've always loved this bit in pfb !! something about how LS talks about love ... he's cradling it gently and passing it to you and i just#it is exactly like this ! !! also his little princess bride kiss warning the page before this š fav i'm obsessed with it too aha#the teens depicted are pulled from a life magazine issue from 1948 . there's a third image that has them further away on the couch . the#entireĀ triptych is entitled temptation which idk makes me giggle . it's exactly what being a teen is like scooting closer and closer and#the color palette is a nod to the snicket valentine i did last year !#( one thing you can always count on . my edits will have pink & teal in them ahaha )#the fonts are my beloveds futura and a new one for me ! the smith-corona typewriter cursive font !! in love#oh ! also i looked up the victorian flower dictionary for this one#those are red camellias and they mean 'you're a flame in my heart' !!!#okay that's all my secrets about this piece i had fun gif-ing it and pulling it together !! and !!! all exclamations !#i'm really happy with it š#series . asoue
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday š#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose šāļø#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy š#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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it happened again lmao š
#doodles#sona#ladies and flowerfellows. i got old lmfshvbg#i've been forgetting all day but i am talking abt it now. i got OLD(er)#i asked for an mp3 player so i am waiting :3#i love our local radio stations but i love my own music more. i'm so sorry local-ish radio station <//3#/i need to find more ways to dodge the sentence 'today's my birthday'#'time is sliding by and did Not forget to pick me up on the way'#'VIP timeline member'#'i didn't get a warranty on this thing and i think it would have expired a long time ago anyway'#'i am like the cheese. usually in a building. and aging'#<- that one's not subtle enough but i'll figure it out hbhfvs#i like being vague abt it hfhvbs - 'every day i attempt to get closer to my parent's level of fermentation and fail. but this year-'#these are good i like these lollll#//YEA THO. cool stuff hbfsh :3#happy birthdayyy to youuuu even if it's not your birthday today happy birthdaaaay !!! !!!#woohoo! ! i'm gonna walk in circles now hbfhs toooodles
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[Image description: a digital drawing of Thomas and Varian from Transatlantic from the waist up. They're touching foreheads with closed eyes and blushing. Thomas has wound a blue scarf around their necks with one hand and has the other in Varian's hair. Both men are wearing coats. The background is purple with pink flowers. End description.]
I am here to atone (drawing snuggles) for my past sins (posting sad fanart)
#transatlantic#lovefry#thomas lovegrove#varian fry#this is a lie i just wanted to draw them being cozy skdksdjs#i even used a pencil instead of a pen like i usually do (i wanted to keep the spirit of the original)#wouldve posted the og sketchbook drawing but i wanted to add some colour so i had to. do the line art too. my hand is totally fine#every day i get closer to losing my mind (i want to paint them trad so bad but i KNOW that would be a nightmare and i only like oil paint#which takes weeks to dry)#something abt drawing queer ppl being happy just makes me rly happy#have a v rough thumbnail of a reunion scene i wanna do... but its like 6 pages and ik from experience thats an Undertaking#maybe ill do one at a time? we will find out. if i even do it skskjdskdjs#its been haunting we for days tho liek sooo many ways it could go#dan draws
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Sier? I havenāt even met her! Laugh.
#keese draws#oc art#oc#ocs#eternal gales#today has been a shit day but Im feeling a bit better now that Iāve drawn sier#long story short one of my friends is being harassed by their ex#so Iāve been in a blinding rage all day and combined with me not getting enough sleep and cleaning all day today quite sucked#but hey. I drew sier and made them a new mini ref so thatās gotta count for something#but yeah sier my beloved Iāve been thinking abt them all day theyāre just so cute and I love drawing them#I forgive them for being a human character theyāre silly and have shapes#I now have only 4 eg refs to go I think? which is honestly a lot closer than I thought I was I thought this was gonna be another year of#last minute refs for artfight and some that donāt get remade but honestly this is super doable#rly the only big problem is going to be fydd since itās been so long since Iāve drawn him properly#the other three are just dodie tali and bloom which shouldnāt be too bad at all#now idk if the icons are happening but itās definitely feeling a lot more doable now so idk maybe Iāll get to some of them#key word maybe I make no promises#thankfully I donāt rly have any other ocs that I feel pressed to make new refs for so I can take it easy leading up to artfight this year#Iād like to get some of them icons but thatās not necessary#hopefully sier will get drawn this year she hasnāt been attacked since her old design from years ago lol#but sier is also a character Iāve gotten other pieces of art of over the years so I wonāt be heartbroken if they keep getting ignored lol#I donāt rly know who Iād like to see attacked most tbh#obviously Iām always happy to see art of any of my ocs but usually I do have a preference#so Im excited to see who gets attacked even if itās only a few of them#Iām willing to bet teke will get at least one attack I believe in him#hopefully teka gets drawn too I love her dearly as well#anyways shower time and then sleep time gn gamers
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted#i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter#the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back#and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context#or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with#''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!''#which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it#BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM????#and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with#i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together#but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person#it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist#but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary#of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be#and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it#but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well#or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations#and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think#or even what other people understand#but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun#and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time#he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i#and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma#is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!''#that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels#i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott#idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back#but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it
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Itās such a foreign concept to me that bad people get to be happy. I know we as people make our own happiness but I donāt understand how people who went out of their way to hurt people get to be happy while the people they hurt have to suffer with what they did to them.
#stupid shit#I lurked again#I want her to suffer so much which makes me a bad human being but it is truly not fair#itās not fair that we live in this narrative that sheās the uwu soft I just love to spread kindness girl#even though we ALL KNOW she wasnāt#it was a stupid TikTok I watched of hers#she went through each month one by one and ranked them based on what happened and it was SO sugarcoated#āmy friend group started to fall apart (for the best)ā#yeah maybe it fell apart because you were lying to everyone about being sexually assaulted????#and that your BEST FRIEND tried kissing you when everyone knew damn well that she would NEVER because she loves her boyfriend to death#or what about the time where you cheated on your then boyfriend with two#maybe three other guys???#and what about you calling off work every other day claiming you were sick but you really just didnāt want to come in???#then you have to take a leave of absence because you were too sick to stand up but I guess not too sick to go to Disney#weird huh#then she goes on how she āfound happinessā being closer with her family and old friends#yeah I guess you had to do that because everyone knew all of the shit that sheād do#I hope your boyfriend breaks up with you because you deserve nothing homegirl ā¤ļøš„°š«¶š«°
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canāt tell if Iām happy or not tbh but something is up in my brain and itās crazy shit. Like Iām not even stressed about the stressy Iām just. Vibes
#Like Iām not guilty either. Normally around now I would be feeling the guilt but. Iām good.#There is so much good in me and it is persevering so bad. Itās going to make me even better than I am now#I love the feeling of finally being destined for great things. Iāve never known what my purpose in life is going to be but I might be#Getting closer now. I know where I want to make good in this world. Iām not worried about what Iāll do for a job.#All I have to worry about is coursework and that will sort itself out like the coursework before it.#Iām going to plan a little to make tomorrow better#Having āside questsā helps me to achieve small things towards a better day every single day so I want to set them now#I want to remember to wear my Monday T-shirt. And pack a good lunch and ask my tutor how to start an essay introduction.#I want to eat a good breakfast now that Iāve found out my favourite healthy breakfast#I want to listen to three songs that make me happy and pick up three bits of rubbish that I see on the floor#Or cans that people forget to put in the can recycling cause that messes with my brain lol#And give one person at least a compliment#Tell my mum sheās doing a good job#Tomorrow will be good :)
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just hung out w friends for five hours and feltso full of whimsy I could pass out <333 I miss them so bad already but I get to see them tomorrow tooooo
#like it wasnāt even planned we just talked on the phone then met up at **** house chatted while our other two friends made us friendship#bracelets and watched the cat be silly with a bowl of water that was like two hours of us doing that#then agroup car ride (I love when we do this sm itās like my favorite part when we hang out) skin to skin in a tiny fucking car laughing#talking listening to music on our way to Taco Bell then rode around taking scenic routes b4 gas station break to like pee n buy snacks :33#flicked up another scenic route went to the epic park w the cool playground n reminisced about how it felt like being a kid again at 1am#Iām convinced all these fuckers are neurodivergent bc not one of them can go without stemming and ***** fucking climbing on top of the every#single thing LMFAO doing backflips off of swings and stuff too I had like an insane amount of whatever bc I skipped like the entire time#just to idk be silly and **** joined in :))) switches seats in the car and went to another park then rode in the car again to more scenic#routes and all the way back to **** house to get our stuff and each driveour cars back home <3#we group hugged at the epic park and the moment was so surreal bc we all were close to crying especially ******* like I love my fwends sm i#cannot even properly describe how happy they make me feel like sonearnestly so#I weirdly felt closer to ***** tonight too probably bc we indulged **** antics together and were skin to skin in the backseat of the car#like having to fasten each others seatsbelt his arm awkwardly behind me n out the window that close n how alike we areā¦#OH WAIT him and **** buzzed their hair like days before n it really hit me that I havenāt seen him w shirt hair since Iāve first known him#when we all were once coworkers together and itās like a fond memory now and crazy to think about how weāve all grown together as friends#ok done being sappy now b4 I actually fucking cry like eyes are on the brink as I type :p#*#personal#heartshapedtrap#can yāall tell I left my journal at homeā¦ and needed to like remember how happy Iāve felt since seeing friends <3#omggg i forgot to mention how they all cheered and were like happy for me during the scenic car ride that Iām almost certain im lesbian#still unsure of myself but I think thatās probably the closest label idk I just feel really happy that they support me nomatter what yaknow
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hello shaiapouferā¦ thank you for all the nice interactionsā¦ id love to be CAA buddies :] iāve been a CAA fan for 4 years and iām very passionate about hxh ost specifically the ost 3 album. do you have a favorite ost?
Hello hi hi!! I'm literally so pumped to have CAA mutuals now,, I've been waiting for this moment for at least 3 or so years at this point and I'm so glad me being completely insane for one specific bug guy is yielding real tangible results āØļø PLEASE feel free to hit me up whenever, I love. ants
And to answer the OST question, I've been meaning to actually sit down and listen to the whole thing for a while now and I think this is the motivation for me kshdkd there's a handful of tracks I can pick out but it's bc they're the only ones I've listened to as standalones U_U New Mutation stands out to me especially bc the main melody is carried by a dulcimer, which imo is an instrument that's pretty rarely used!! The classical/orchestral nods a lot of the soundtrack uses also make me, a person with deep interests in composers and music, makes me go !!!! Using inspiration from holst's Jupiter Bringer of Jollity for the OST makes me INSANE, as does the one piece for the zoldycks that draws from prokofiev's Dance of the Knights; there is so much emotion in this style of music and so much of it goes unnoticed U_U what I will unfortunately mention is that a lot of the nods are more recent than my late classical/early romantic era scope (late 1700s to about the 1850s or so, for reference holst wrote his planets symphony in the 1900s lmao) so I tend to miss some of the ones that other people feel are more obvious (like. Prokofiev U_U). Special shoutout of course to both of Pouf's violin solos drawing from Vivaldi, the only baroque composer I really pay attention to bc the music is too formulaic for my liking :/
Actually thinking of pouf's violin music, I'm so so certain that those particular tracks are being played by an actual performer!! Idk how the ost was made but this stands out to me specifically bc you can hear small squeaks during shifting or string changing, which you'd only get with an actual performer, which, as someone who's played violin on and off for years, that's everything to me šš also,, those violin pieces are what made me realize I wanted to play music again h a h a I still don't really play often enough to build actual skill but it's still a hobby I enjoy a lot + it's the only reason I know how to actually draw and proportion violins properly lmao
This is a very long and nonspecific answer but I got excited to talk about music kshdkd but yeah!!! I've been meaning to sit down and listen to the entire soundtrack front to back and I'm certain the CAA soundtrack is gonna Do It To Me once I immediately recognize every single track when they're isolated āØļø
#shaiapoufer made me smile kshdkd thank you lmao; I'm so glad to be drawing in caa friends now āŗļøš#i think it's so funny that yall seem to be meruem blogs as well; the more i see him the funnier he gets to me and also#the closer he gets to making me cry for real#pouf on the other hand has had me absolutely insane from day one and he continues to spiral me into lunacy with each passing day#i saw your tags on your art that was like. the ants activate your autism or smthn and SAMEEEE me being nd is how i got this far š¤#it's why my art tag becomes nothing but ants after a certain period of time ksjdkf i love ants and that's the entire statement#you could even say. that that's all there is to it#anyways thank you for the ask!! happy to meet you šš#asks
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and if i say canon adjacent, ivy inspired jasonxnico fic. i canāt stop you putting roots in my dreamland.
#I WISH TO KNOW THE FATAL FLAW THAT MAKES LONG TO BE MAGINIFICENTLY CURSED is SOOOOO jason coded tbh#anyways. look away if you're immediately put away by the infidelity trope bc i will brushĀ over it#i'm thinking. jason is dead and nico one day just NEEDS to talk/see jason for whatever reason#and he goes to the underworldĀ looking for him and he finds him#and heĀ doesn'tĀ propose taking him out because jason wouldn't want that#but they talk#and then nico leaves and then he comes back and then it becomes like a thing#and they start getting closer and closer and the line between the living and the dead is already so blurred for nico but now with jason in#the mix they're basically invisible#and jason is also in a position where he's like?? nico is NOT spending his daysĀ with the LIVING because of ME! butĀ then heĀ doesn't want him#to go. eternally sscrficial jason graceĀ letting himself be selfish for once but being in constantĀ struggleĀ because of this#and nico is also like. i want him back i can take him back but i won't do that iĀ respects choices.#and anyways along all of thisĀ they're slowly falling in love/realising there was something there that wentĀ unaddressed#and there's this lingering sadnessĀ surrounding it because if they had just had time maybe maybe MAYBE they would have realised#OHHH its angsty#and i said it borders the infidelity tropeĀ because will is just there. š“#and technically nico is happy with will. he's ok. but he can't stop jason putting roots inĀ his dreamland.#and because if i wouldĀ write this (iĀ won't) i would make jasonico as maybe at leastĀ crossing intoĀ emotional affair territory :)#idk what theĀ conclusion would be? who you think is more insane? would jason accept going back or would nico need to force himself to let go?#bc by not doing so he's also keeping jason from rebirth and/or moving on. which not fair either.#tbh iĀ think Ā the main arc should be jasonĀ wanting to live. HE goes to hades to APPEAL for his release. nico is just the support.Ā also a bit#of nepotism i guess takeĀ hades' son to appeal to hades :)#THERE'S SO MANY TYPOS HERE OMFG and nothing makes sense#let me get my thoughts straight and i'll type it nicely jesus fucking christ
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you canāt taste it when itās in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think Iāve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and itās all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesnāt matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope heās having a good time and isnāt completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently heās gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that youāre dead but itās nice knowing in a weird way#that youāre the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. youāve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you wouldāve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and Iām sorry. Iām sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasnāt supposed to take care of you. you shouldāve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and Iāve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I donāt know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I donāt have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Fatherās Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and youād have flowers in your arms and youād be bored but so proud and youād hug me and youād smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when youād hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. ādonāt be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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