#once when i was 11 i lit a lighter until the metal part was hot and then held it to my skin to see if i was tough

[baasthasthezoomies]

To those who’ve struggled with self-harm:

I have a friend who, when people ask about her scars, says “weed whacker incident of ‘03” and if they keep at it, “I can’t say anything else I signed an NDA”.

Feel free to spread the lore if you get questioned invasively.

Put in the tags how many scars you have and how you got them

[rainforestgeek]

If you lose your strength to stand (I’m gonna reach for your hand) pt. 11 “I’m Always on Your Side”

Part 10

AO3 link

--

Krolia sat down and gestured for Keith to do the same. He couldn’t begin to decipher all the thoughts and emotions whirling around his head. They almost became white noise, leaving a strange, painful numbness. He tried to look Krolia in the eyes, but if human eye contact was difficult, it had nothing on the sharp and glowing gaze of a galra.

She folded her hands. “Twenty decaphoebes ago, I was under cover in a scouting team searching for the missing Voltron lions. We picked up a matching signature on Earth. I could not allow another Lion to fall into the hands of the Empire. The Red one had long since been found.”

Keith’s heart clenched. He hated thinking about Red’s time under Zarkon’s thumb. His beloved Lion had spent so many long years trapped, and it filled him with hand-trembling rage.

Lance’s Lion, he reminded himself firmly. He may have a lingering connection to Red, but he wasn’t her pilot anymore.

“So I attacked the other scouts, destroyed them, and crash landed onto the planet’s surface. As all Blades are, I was fully prepared to die for my mission. But instead I woke up in your father’s house,” Krolia’s voice quieted, “in pain but alive. He cared for me while I was at my weakest.”

She paused. Keith dared a glance back at her face to find her gaze was still firmly locked on his. He looked away again.

“It took a long while to trust him. But I sensed the fellow spirit of a warrior. He was kind and righteous and he vowed to protect the Blue Lion by my side, once we’d found her. I said I’d stay out of devotion to my mission. Truthfully, I stayed because I already loved him. A Blade’s life is lonely and hard. I believed I’d paid my dues and earned a peaceful life. And then we had you.”

Keith gritted his teeth. “But you left. If you were so done with the war then why did you leave?”

“Keith.” He looked up at her. “More scouts found the Blue Lion. They attacked and your father nearly died. As long as the Empire suspected a Lion of Voltron was on Earth, you both would have always been a target. I left to divert their attention from your solar system. I left to protect my family and the one I love most in the entire universe: you.

“The pain of being apart from you was second only to the thought of putting your life in danger.”

Keith unsheathed his knife. “Is that why you left me this? Did you know I’d find myself in the war? Or did you expect me to find you?”

“I knew,” she said softly, “if you grew to be anything like your father, you would be a fighter.”

“Dad died ten years ago.” The words rushed out of Keith like a dam breaking. “I was alone until Shiro found me and now I’ve lost him again! But I found you and now you’re the only family I’ve got left and I’m so goddamn sick of being angry at you!” He’d accidentally yelled, his voice echoing in the room. Krolia moved her chair closer to where he was rocking back and forth in his and held out her hand. He grabbed it with both of his and started crying the moment her other hand clutched them. She let him cry and scream it out, all the tornado of everything he’d been through ripping from his throat. She stayed and held his hands as tightly as he gripped hers, anchoring him without pushing him.

Once his eyes had nothing left to shed, he calmed himself one shuddering gulp of air at a time. Keith wiped away the tears from his cheeks. He was surprised to find that he felt a little lighter, not unlike stepping onto a slightly less massive planet than Earth.

“I’d hoped, for so many decaphoebes,” Krolia said, voice low, “that I would see you again once you were old enough and strong enough. We can’t get that lost time back, but Keith.” She gripped his shoulder and the touch revived something warm and powerful in him. With a shock, Keith realized he felt safe with his mother. “I’m here now. And I know a warrior when I see one.”

The words made Keith feel strong. Like the day he’d first flown the Red Lion, a sensation of controlled power. He understood what had drawn his righteous and bullheaded dad to Krolia. Honestly, leave it to him to fall in love with an alien spy wielding a knife.

“Nothing was more important to Dad than saving lives. He was trying to drag two people out of a burning building when a gas line exploded under him.”

The day he’d died was the worst of Keith’s life. It began a pattern of losing the only family member he had. Dad, then Shiro. But Keith had been the one to walk away from Krolia, her words ringing in his ears, “I’ll never leave you again.”

“I left my team,” he said. “I need to go back to them.”

Kolivan chose that moment to stride back into the room. “Keith, Krolia. The Red Paladin has just arrived.”

--

[several vargas earlier]

“I knew it.”

Lance stood in his armor in the Black Lion’s hangar, where there was – shocker – no Black Lion. He put on his helmet and commed Allura. “Princess, Keith ran away.”

There was a long pause before he heard “…quiznak.”

He did an about face and stalked past Matt, who was staring blankly at the empty hangar, and made a beeline for the Red Lion. “He took Black with him, so do you think you could magic-find the Black Lion like you did when we first showed up?”

“Yes, I’m on my way to the bridge now. I can’t believe he did this.”

Because he was a mature adult, Lance bit his tongue against an I told you so. “As long as you can get me his location I’m gonna drag Keith back here by his ears.”

“Good.”

“Because you were right, we need everyone right now.” Red’s eyes lit up as Lance approached her and she smoothly leaned down to let him board. He settled into the pilot’s seat of the scarlet-bathed cockpit. “Hey. Uh. I’m really sorry for yelling earlier.”

Allura didn’t even pause with her response. “So am I. Give me a moment to find him.”

Lance was sure there was more that needed to be said between him and the princess, but they had to focus. He booted up the console, feeling the metal walls around him hum with power and magic. The viewscreen blinked to life and quickly enough he was ready to take off.

Except that Red refused to close her mouth.

“Girl, come on, we’ve gotta go get Keith.” She stubbornly kept her jaw to the floor. “What is your deal?”

Then he spotted a figure jogging toward him on the screen. Matt disappeared as he boarded then reappeared behind him. Red finally shut her maw and stood up with a self-satisfied rumble.

“What are you doing?” Lance demanded.

“I’m coming with you to get Keith. I’m worried about him, too, and besides, you might need backup.”

Lance wanted to argue, not least because spending a bunch of time alone in outer space with Pidge’s older brother made him kind of fear for his life. But both his Lion and Matt seemed to have their minds made up. In the back of his head, he felt Red anxiously growling and whipping her tail back and forth. She wanted to find her old paladin. Envy flashed through Lance and he grit his teeth against it.

The console lit up with a comm from Allura. “I found them. Keith went to the Blade of Marmora Headquarters.”

Huh? “So he’s not out looking for Shiro?” Lance puzzled as they launched out of the Castle and blazed through the atmosphere. He glanced at Matt, who was holding tight to the back of his chair to steady himself from the sudden momentum. He didn’t look surprised by the news.

“Apparently not. I want an explanation once you’ve brought him back. Allura out.”

Keeping his eyes on his flight path, Lance asked, “You know something about this?”

“Yeah,” Matt replied. “I think so.”

When he failed to elaborate, Lance sighed harshly through his nose. “Fine. Keep your secrets.”

“It’s not my secret, it’s Keith’s. And if he hasn’t told anyone else about it, I won’t do it for him.”

“No, I get it, some things stay between you and your boyfriend. Speaking of which, one of those things that stays private is definitely bedroom stuff and my bunk is right next to Keith’s, so please for the love of God keep it down next time.” It was difficult to tell with the red light of the cockpit, but Lance noted with some satisfaction that Matt’s face looked unnaturally flushed.

It was a long, awkward flight, them sitting in silence. If he didn’t have piloting to concentrate on Lance would probably have broken out in nervous rambling a long time ago. They were coming close to the HQ and out of the corner of his eye Lance saw his passenger was messing with some gadget or whatever. He worked with the same unblinking, owl-eyed stare that Pidge did on her projects. It made Lance’s stomach twist uncomfortably. He hardly knew this guy outside the context of a battle or when Pidge talked about her brother like he’d hung the moon. Other than that…Matt had this outward appearance of being perfect or something. He was a genius and, apparently, universally likable. He even got prickly Keith to open up.

Lance finally gathered his nerve and broke the silence. “By the way. I don’t want to know about the ins and outs of your relationship with Keith – and I mean that literally, too – but he’s had super rough go in life and if you hurt him I’ll shoot you in the face.”

Matt immediately burst into laughter. Lance frowned. “Hey! Seriously, I’ll do it!”

“Oh, I believe you. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve known Keith for several years. I know what buttons not to push. This just isn’t the shovel talk I pictured us having.”

The back of Lance’s neck felt hot. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really?”

“Look, me and Keith might fight a lot but that doesn’t mean I wanna find him someday angry and heartbroken and fighting the gladiator at level fifty.”

“I won’t break up with him,” Matt said tightly.

“Like, so far you seem pretty good to him, but I’m just saying – ”

“Is this what you meant by staying out of our relationship?” Matt demanded. He didn’t shout, but his tone was like icicles threatening to fall from the ceiling and skewer you to the ground. “I…I get that you care about Keith, and you and I don’t know each other.”

Lance snorted. “That’s an understatement.”

“Keith was right, you are annoying.”

“Please tell me I’m not a part of your pillow talk, ‘cause that’s just disturbing.”

Matt resolutely moved himself into Lance’s line of vision. His arms were crossed over his armored chest. “But, he told me you wouldn’t play with my sister’s feelings. And I’d prefer to trust his word.”

Every trace of sarcasm melted off Lance like an ice cube on the hood of a hot car. He stubbornly fixed his eyes on the stars flashing by them as he flew. “Yeah, well, you don’t have to worry about that. Pidge doesn’t have feelings for me in the first place.”

“Oh.”

“She’s too…” Lance debated on the best word to explain how unfathomably out of his league Pidge is. “…special.”

Even just out of the corner of his eye, he saw Matt glaring at him. Holy hell, what did I say to piss him off? The rebel pinched the bridge of his nose and took three deep breaths.

“Two things. First, no matter how unusual she might seem to you, Pidge is still a person who can feel the entire spectrum of human emotion. Quite powerfully, in fact. Second, you can shove that bullshit ‘special’ euphemism right up your ass, autism is not a cuss word.”

Lance jerked the controls in surprise, making Red jolt and list violently. She wrenched control from him and steadied herself, growling irritably. He stroked the console apologetically then turned wide-eyed to Matt. “Pidge is autistic?”

Matt kept glaring and raised one eyebrow, and he looked too much like Pidge right now and it was distracting. Still kind of reeling, enough of Lance’s brain calmed down to sift through what he’d said that was so offensive.

Oh. He waved his hands between them in a time-out, clear-the-air kind of motion. “Dude, dude, dude, I did not mean it like that. Pidge is special. Like one in a billion, way too smart and tough and pretty to look twice at a guy like me. And also – Pidge is autistic? I mean, I kinda figured Keith is, he’s so awkward and confused all the time and you’ve seen his resting bitch face but Pidge – well, I guess that does explain the babbling and the sensory weirdness – not that Pidge is weird – ”

“Lance, you’re rambling.” Matt rubbed the back of his neck, murderous expression thankfully gone. “I just thought you’d put two and two together. She’s…something. Truthfully, we don’t actually know for sure. My parents got her tested for autism and later ADHD but nobody would diagnose a smart girl who looked them in the eyes. I had to watch my little sister struggle in school with almost no friends and no help, so now that she has you guys, I’d rather none of you die or leave or hurt her in any way.”

He gave Lance a very pointed look. The dude apparently didn’t blink an eye at his fifteen (sixteen?) year old sister flying a giant war machine and killing bad guys, but the minute any kind of relationships got involved he went full mama bear. Go figure. Lance knew better than anyone that explosions hurt less than broken hearts. He spun his chair so he was facing the view screen instead of Matt.

“Don’t worry. Pidge is my friend, and I’ve always got her back. I wouldn’t do anything to mess that up.”

There was a pause. “You know I’m not, like, forbidding you from dating her, right?”

Lance huffed in frustration. “Doesn’t matter, it’s not a thing.”

“So you don’t like her? When I ran into you the other night, it seemed – ”

“I do, it’s just – urgh!” Lance stood abruptly and paced to the back of the cockpit, leaving Red to autopilot for a while, and grabbing furiously at his hair. “It’s so confusing! I was just starting to get over Allura and then – then Pidge almost died and – what the hell is wrong with me?”

“I’m not following.”

“There’s a word for suddenly getting feelings for another girl right after getting your heart broken, and I’m pretty freaking sure it’s REBOUND.” Lance slumped against the wall and dropped his head in his hands. “Pidge deserves better than that.”

Matt hummed thoughtfully. “You’re right. But what I’m hearing is that you respect her a lot.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m keeping my mouth shut about this BS.”

“So are you sure the feelings are new?”

Lance side-eyed him. “Have you been listening?”

“Yeah, yeah, the whole princess thing. I’m just saying, maybe you’ve had feelings for Pidge for a long time and you’re just now realizing it. It’s possible to like more than one girl at once, you know.”

The words struck a chord in Lance and it made his stomach turn over. Loving two girls at once? Didn’t matter that he wasn’t dating either of them, the very possibility felt slimy. He jumped back to his feet and got in the chair. Sensing his distress, Red purred at him in his mind. “It doesn’t even matter, okay? Pidge doesn’t look at me like that and I won’t stop being her friend. End of discussion.”

He shrugged. “Okay. Fine.”

“I was serious though. Be good to Keith or I will shoot you.”

--

Keith startled when the doors burst open and a very red-faced Lance stalked inside, Matt hot on his heels. Both Keith and Krolia stood up.

“What the hell, Keith? We thought you’d jetted off on a half-cocked rescue mission in the middle of empty space! The least you could do is tell somebody what you’re doing!”

“Lance, shut up, please,” Matt begged.

“You shut up!”

“Lance. Shut. Up.” Keith agreed. He got a long, brown finger too close to his face for his trouble.

“Keith, one of these days you’re going to give me a stroke.” With that said, Lance looked around, realized who else was there, stood up straight, and cleared his throat. “Oh, hi, Kolivan. Sorry for barging in like that. Did we interrupt something?”

“Not from my end,” the old galra said wryly.

Keith awkwardly cleared his throat and addressed Krolia. “The annoying one is Lance, the Red Paladin of Voltron. And this is Matt Holt.” Keith halted, not sure if he should announce their personal relationship. Probably not. “He’s a leader in the rebel forces.

“Guys, this is Krolia. She’s my mother.”

“Your what? You’re his – ” Lance turned to Matt, mouth gaping open like a fish. “Did you know Keith found his galra mom?”

“Yes.”

“Lance,” Keith said, “I’m sorry for leaving without notice. I didn’t mean to worry you guys.”

Lance had his face buried in his hands. “Dude, you can’t just vanish then drop a bomb like your galra mom popping up and then just move on. You are giving me gray hair. I’m too young for that.” He turned and walked off to lean his head against the wall. Krolia watched him with an eyebrow disappearing beneath her hair.

“He needs a minute,” Keith explained. “Lance’s brain can’t process more than one surprise each day.”

Matt snickered. Lance groaned a little and came back. “I’m sorry for intruding, Kolivan, but could the three of us stay here for the night?  We should get back to the Castle of Lions soon but it’s been a very long day.”

“Certainly. Have you made any progress with General Ezor?” Kolivan asked.

“Annoying progress, but yeah, she’s been talking. Apparently the assassination attempt wasn’t an assassination attempt, but Haggar wanted to kidnap Allura and that’s not even the bad news.

“The Princess and the Emperor were searching for a place that’s like, the ultimate source of all Altean magic. Long story short, we found it in something called a white hole, Allura’s super powerful now, and we’re pretty sure Haggar found it too so the enemy just might be a thousand times more powerful than she was before.”

Lance paused to catch his breath. “Also, Pidge and I think she might still have Shiro. Alive.”

Keith clenched his fists against the small surge of hope that gave him. He felt Matt take one hand and gently smooth his thumb over his knuckles, until Keith relaxed and slotted their fingers together.

Kolivan said, “The Blade has been pursuing what we think may be a major source of the druids’ power. A place that holds extremely potent quintessence.”

Keith turned to his mother. “The same quintessence that made that superweapon?”

She nodded.

“Superweapon?” Lance demanded.

“Are we looking at another Naxzela type of situation?” Matt asked. Deep wrinkles formed between his eyebrows.

“Nothing to that scale. I know how this sounds, but it can wait until morning,” Krolia assured.

Part 12