#once i finish this volume i am NOT reading more of them. im skipping to extremis and then dipping | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jjungkookislife · 4 years ago

Text

The Roommate: Epilogue

pairing: vmin x reader, ex-bf kook x reader

genre: roommate au, smut 18+

wc: 3.1k

warnings: cursing, time skips, some dirty talk, jimin’s a tease, some angst, heartbroken kook :(, honest kook, oral sex (f. receiving), allusions to threesome?, promises of forever

a/n: hi! it’s been a year since i’ve updated! this has been a long time coming and im sorry for taking so long but i have a love/hate relationship with this story. it kinda got a mind of its own and turned into a vmin love story instead of jungkook, which is why there’s a JJK version. as sad as I am to see this end, it feels like there’s a weight off my shoulders. thank you to everyone who read it and commented, it means the world to me. I love you all!

date: November 15, 2020

“She’s so tiny!” You coo as you hold baby Eun-ji in your arms three months later. Jungsook hadn’t wanted too many people around the baby, but now that she was older and had some vaccines under her belt, she allowed you all to visit.

You rocked the infant in your arms, your chest filling with warmth as your eyes shined with giddiness. Jimin smiles as Taehyung wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him flush against his side.

They both watched you gush over the infant, looking at each other before blushing. Maybe someday the three of you would be parents as well.

This was the first time all of you had been in the same room together, and Jungkook was surprised he wasn’t upset at seeing the three of you together. If anything, it made him happy to see all of you.

“Here,” you whisper as you turn to Jimin, passing him baby Eun-ji. He holds her, cooing at her as a bright smile appears on his lips as he looks from Eun-ji to Taehyung.

“She’s beautiful,” he murmurs as he rocks her in his arms, singing softly to her before looking up to take a picture. He then passes the baby to Taehyung, who lights up like a Christmas tree.

“She’s so tiny and cute,” he chuckles as he looks at Jimin. “I love her already.”

You all laugh, taking pictures of each other holding the baby before Jungkook gets a turn. He sits on the rocking chair, scared he may actually drop her, but you reassure him he won’t as you kneel in front of him.

“You’re doing well, Kookie. Relax,” you murmur as you look at Eun-Ji then up at him. He smiles softly at you, mouthing thanks as he goes back to gently rocking the baby. You place your hands on his knees, watching the baby squirm in his arms, and your heart feels like it’s going to burst from happiness.

“Jungkook’s a natural,” Jin chuckles from his spot beside Jungsook, who nods in agreement.

Jungkook holds her a little longer before handing her off to you. He looks at Taehyung and Jin asking, “ready?”

“Yeah, I just need to get my toolbox from the garage,” Jin says as his two friends follow him out of the room to the garage.

“Oh, she’s so adorable!” you gush as you coo at Eun-Ji, her small hand gripping your pinky as you take a seat in the rocking chair. Jung-sook hovers nearby, smiling but apprehensive despite knowing you’d never drop her child.

“She is, isn’t she?” Jimin whispers as he wraps his arm around you as you hold the baby, rocking her gently. Taehyung walks by the doorway on his way to the nursery, a smile on his lips as he watches the two of you, having held the baby first and longer than the both of you. His heart skips a beat as he watches the two of you with baby Eun-Ji. Jin appears behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder, “it’ll happen for you.”

Jungkook watches the exchange, smiling. He’s genuinely happy for the three of you, no longer holding malice for the way things ended. He realized the three of you belonged together. Who was he to stand in the way of that?

“Would you mind watching her so I can shower? I promise I’ll be quick,” Jungsook pleads and you nod, telling her to take her time. She thanks you before she makes a mad dash for the bathroom, the door shutting after her.

“She’s such a cutie,” Jimin coos, squatting beside you to get a better look at the baby. His heart thumps erratically in his chest. Was this in your future with them?

Jimin hoped so.

“Do you want to hold her?” You ask him, he looks at you nervously before nodding. You carefully rise from the chair, telling him to have a seat before you place the baby in his arms.

“She’s so little,” he whispers, his eyes on the baby’s face before he looks up at you with a dazzling smile.

“Do you want kids?” You find yourself asking as you take a seat on the bed.

“Someday,” Jimin grins. “Do you?”

“Yeah, someday,” you mirror his smile as you take a seat on the bed. You watch Jimin rock the baby in his arms, softly singing to her.

“Someday.”

“I’ll get it!” You called as you ran down the hallway toward the front door.

“I wasn’t rushing to get it,” Jungkook chuckles from his spot on the couch as you open the door with a smile on your face.

“Jimin! Tae! You’re actually on time!” You exclaim as you let them in.

“You know, we’re not always late,” Jimin huffs as he takes a seat on the couch beside Jungkook.

“Yeah, Jimin managed to get out of bed today,” Taehyung teases as he wraps an arm around your shoulders to pull you to his side.

“Anyway, the rest of the guys should be here soon. Jungsook is staying behind with baby Eun-ji, but Jin said he’d definitely be here,” Jungkook interrupts, you nod as you and Tae go to the kitchen to grab the menus.

“Pick something while I finish setting up,” you hand the menus to Jimin and Jungkook as you go to your bedroom to grab a few blankets and cushions.

“Can you bring my blanket too?!” Jungkook yells from the living room. You roll your eyes but stop in his bedroom to grab his blanket before making your way to the living room. You toss everything on the recliner before handing Jungkook his blanket, which he thanks you for as you place the blankets on the floor in front of the TV.

The door opens and in come Hoseok, Yoongi and Namjoon. You greet them all as they pile into the living room to pick their seats. Taehyung offers to grab the snacks from the kitchen as the door opens one more time as Jin walks in.

“Hey,” he smiles brightly as he shuts the door after him, taking a seat beside Yoongi.

“Hey, glad you could make it,” Jungkook smiles as you take your seat beside him.

Namjoon looks over at the two of you, smiling to himself. He’s glad all of you could finally hang out all together with no tension. He wasn’t sure that would ever happen again, and the rest of his friends all felt the same way.

Yoongi looks at Namjoon, elbowing him in the ribs, “quit staring. You’re gonna make it weird, and I just got here.”

“I’m not staring… I’m admiring.”

“You’re gonna admire my foot in your ass if you make things weird,” Yoongi hisses in response.

“Kinky,” Hoseok smirks. Namjoon rolls his eyes.

“What are you guys whispering about?” Jin asks as he lays down across Yoongi’s lap. Yoongi resists the urge to push him off, noting how tired the eldest man looks. Instead, he runs his fingers through his hair. Jin sighs, “I’m so tired.”

“Sleep,” Jimin tells him. You nod in agreement.

“Nah, I’m good.” Jin yawns within a few minutes, he’s sound asleep.

Jungkook turns the volume down a bit, as to not wake him as the rest of you continue to talk in quiet voices, ordering dinner.

“How about next time, we do it at our house?” Taehyung asks tentatively.

Jungkook’s brows furrow, voice soft as he asks, “what’s wrong with my house?”

Taehyung’s eyes widened, “n-nothing! Nothing, we just haven’t been able to host since…”

Jimin clears his throat awkwardly, looking at you.

“That’s a good idea! We can all take turns hosting,” Hoseok pipes in with a grin, Taehyung sends him a grateful smile.

“Oh yeah, that sounds good,” Namjoon agrees and Yoongi nods beside him. Jungkook nods, finally agreeing. You’re glad an argument hasn’t broken out; things were still rocky but were on the road to improvement.

“Are you sleeping over this weekend?” Taehyung asked as he held your right hand while Jimin held your left, the three of you making your way down the driveway. You move to stand beside their car by the passenger door.

Jimin places his hands on your hips, pulling you into him. His lips brush the sensitive skin of your neck, “we miss you.”

“I miss you too,” you admit, reaching out for Taehyung.

Your lips meet Tae’s, kissing him before kissing Jimin. A gasp escapes your lips when Jimin nips at your bottom lip, tugging it before stepping back with a smirk.

Your fingers press against your lips, heat rushing to your cheeks, “Jimin!”

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.” he apologizes with a giggle.

Taehyung chuckles, his arms wrapping around you to hold you tight. He kisses your cheeks, then your nose and finally your lips, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you say, kissing him once again. He steps closer, his body pressed against yours as your back meets the car door. His hands cup your face, holding you as your fingers embed themselves in his hair, tugging it.

“Fuck,” he curses, kissing you deeper. His lips trail kisses to your jaw and down to your neck, where he nips at the flesh.

You melt beneath his touch, your body burning with desire.

“Alright, lovebirds. We gotta go before you fuck her on the car,” Jimin interrupts and you smile, shaking your head.

“Like you haven’t done that before,” you state with a smug smile.

Jimin steps closer to you, Tae steps aside. The dark look in Jimin’s eyes sends a tremor down your spine and excitement fills your stomach.

“I’ll do it again, baby. Don’t tempt me,” you bite your lip at his words.

Jimin smirks, his fingers gripping your chin to get you to meet his gaze, “would you like that? Would you like me to bend you over the hood of the car? Spread you open for me while I get on my knees to eat you out until you’re fucking my face? Do you want all the neighbors to hear you screaming my name as I bury my cock in that tight cunt? Fucking you until you cum wrapped around me and fall on the hood?”

Taehyung’s gaze darkens, swallowing thickly as he watches the both of you. Your eyes glazed with lust, nodding at Jimin with a pleading look.

“Too bad we have to go home, princess.” Jimin lets you go, grinning madly as he kisses your cheek and goes around to the driver’s side to get in the car.

You look at him, mouth agape.

Taehyung chuckles, kissing your forehead, “goodnight, baby. We’ll text you when we get home. Love you.”

“Love you,” you respond as you move aside to let him get in the car. You wave as they leave, turning to go back inside, flustered. Damn your tease of a boyfriend.

“You okay?” Jungkook asks as he finishes cleaning up the living room. You blanched, nodding as you step out of his way, following him to the kitchen.

“Yeah, just tired. I would have helped you clean,” you say as you take a seat at the dining table.

“It wasn’t much, Namjoon helped.”

You nod as you get up to open the door for him to throw the trash out. You look up at the moon. You wrap your arms around yourself.

“It’s so beautiful,” you whisper.

Jungkook looks at you, your face illuminated by the full moon. He swallows, clearing his throat before muttering a “yeah.”

You’re silent for a moment, “do you regret it?”

Jungkook’s brows raise, “w-what?”

“Do you regret ever getting involved with me?” You ask, looking away from him. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. He bites his bottom lip; he’s not sure what to say.

“You can be honest, you know. I know what I did to you, Jimin, and Tae was shitty…”

Jungkook still hesitates.

“Forget I said anything,” you apologize after. Inhaling deeply before turning to head back inside the house.

“I do. I did…” Jungkook finally admits.

You turn to face him, your heart sinking in your chest. Jungkook avoids your gaze, turning to look at the moon instead.

“I wish... I wish we had just left it as friends. Or at least just fucked to get it out of our systems. I don’t know, Y/n. I just…”

You wait for him to continue.

“I just wish things could have been different. Maybe if we hadn’t wanted more, we could have been best friends.” You nod.

“Don’t get me wrong though,” he says. “We’re still friends, but there’s a lingering ache whenever I see you. Knowing what we were and what we had... what we could have been...” Jungkook shakes his head, he would not delve back into those useless thoughts. “It’s better this way though, in a way. At least I know we wouldn’t have amounted too much…”

You wrap your arms around yourself.

“I knew all this pursuing you though, so I guess that’s my own fault. However, I am happy for you. You’re happy with them and they’re happy with you. Everyone can see how much you all love each other, and that alone is enough for me. Make each other as happy as possible, love each other deeply and take care of each other. That’s all I can ask of you now. You deserve happiness.”

“Jungkook…”

“Come on, it’s late. Let’s go inside.”

You blink, agreeing as you follow him back inside. You grab him by the arm, making him turn to look at you.

“For what it’s worth, you deserve happiness as well.”

Jungkook bites his lip, nodding before leaving you alone in the kitchen. The door of his bedroom slams shortly after.

It was going to take a lot of work to mend your relationship with him, but with everything out in the air, you were sure you could fix it… or at least make it more bearable for the both of you.

“You couldn’t have come out sooner?” Taehyung complains as Jungkook comes out of the house, rolling his eyes.

“I wanted to see how long it’d take you to come get me,” Jungkook shrugs as he helps Taehyung move your mattress out of the moving truck.

“You’re evil,” Taehyung huffs as the two of them walk past you and Jimin to get into the house.

“I don’t know why you need your mattress,” Jimin says as he walks to the moving truck to grab a box to carry inside.

“To put in the spare room for now, plus I like it,” you tell him as you follow him inside where Jungkook is waiting on Taehyung to recover from his exertion. The mattress blocks the hallway. Jungkook points at Tae, “his fault.”

“Get it out of my hall, please,” Jimin demands before walking past them with his box. You follow him to your bedroom. Boxes litter your floor, most of them being clothing. You had mainly used the bedroom as a closet, deciding to sleep with your boyfriends in the other room instead.

It had been six months, and as your relationship with them grew more serious, you found it easier on you and them if you moved in. It was hard to sleep without them every night and Jungkook had noticed your restlessness, the sad look in your eyes when you’d go to bed after wishing them goodnight.

In fact, he was the one who suggested you move in with them, not wanting to see you, his friend, so despondent after they left for the night. Jimin and Taehyung had agreed excitedly, and now Jungkook was helping you move into their home.

“Alright, there are a few more boxes and then we’re returning the truck,” Jungkook informs you as he pops his head into your room, where you’re ripping the tape off a box.

“Thanks! Don’t forget, we’re doing movie night at 7.” You remind him and he nods.

“I gotta go home to shower, but I’ll be back,” Jungkook waves before he goes back outside to unload the truck with Jimin and Taehyung. You can hear them laughing and joking around when they come back inside, depositing your boxes in your room.

“Come on, Tae. We gotta take the truck back and I need you to drive my car.”

“Do I have to?” Tae pouts as he wipes the sweat from his brow.

“Yes, you do.” Jungkook throws Taehyung over his shoulder, waving at you and Jimin as Tae admits defeat and doesn’t struggle at all to get out of Jungkook’s hold.

You shake your head at their shenanigans, thankful they’ve gotten back to that level of friendship once again.

That night, you’re curled up in bed with Taehyung. His lips gently kissing yours as his hand cups your cheek. The two of you waiting on Jimin to get out of the shower, exhausted from hosting movie night. You were all thankful to be in bed rather early.

That was mostly because of Jungsook, Jin, and Eun-Ji having to go home. You had spent most of the night cooing and holding Eun-Ji, helping her stand, and to your surprise, she took her first steps in the living room, making everyone cheer.

Your heart had filled with warmth at the scene, wondering what it would be like to see your own child do that.

“What are you thinking about?” Taehyung asks, noting the distracted way in which you kiss him back.

“Our future,” you admit with a shy smile.

“What about it?” Jimin asks as he enters the bedroom with his hair damp and a towel wrapped around his waist.

“I just wonder what it holds for us. I want to be with both of you forever,” you tell them as Jimin sits beside you, cupping your face to kiss you before kissing Taehyung.

“I’m both of yours forever,” he assures you, kissing you both again.

“So am I,” Taehyung agrees easily, sealing his words with a kiss to you and Jimin. You grab both of their hands, promising yourself to them forever as well.

“Forever,” Jimin loves the sound of that, grinning as he kisses Taehyung deeply, then you. His towel comes undone, falling to the floor as Taehyung and Jimin climb over you, both kissing your body. Soft moans escape you, your fingers weaving in their hair as you try to hold them in place.

Taehyung claims your lips, holding you tight as Jimin kisses his way down your body. A delighted sigh escaped your lips, not too long after as your legs are spread and placed over his shoulders; one of your hands embedded in his hair.

Taehyung smirks. You’re so overwhelmed by their love, it fuels a fire deep inside you as you kiss Taehyung. His soft lips move perfectly with yours, capturing each of the moans that Jimin draws from you.

His heart beats in tandem with yours, each of his kisses a promise to love the two of you for as long as he shall live.

Taehyung’s eyes meet yours, his sincerity obvious as he whispers, “forever.”

#bangtanarmynet #bts fanfiction #maknae line fanfic #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader insert #jungkook x reader #vmin x reader #bts poly au #ex-boyfriend!jungkook #jungkook angst #vmin fluff #the roommate jjk

286 notes · View notes

kim-seungmine · 6 years ago

Text

a thousand chapters

title: a thousand chapters

characters: bang chan of stray kids

genres: romance (it’s cheesy sometimes so beware), angst, best friends to lovers au, idol au, idol!chan, so i attempted to write song lyrics (spoiler: maybe i suck)

warnings: language

word count: 7138 words

synopsis: bang chan writes only 3 love songs throughout his life, and all of them are for you.

a/n: this is a little bit non-linear so please pay attention whether it’s present or past! i used different types of dividers, i hope you guys understand. i have so much feelz for chan and im not sorry

Call it an exaggeration, but sitting on your couch while watching TV and munching snacks before 9PM was truly a miracle. Nothing could ever make you leave work at 5PM, but today was an exception. You made an exception. An annual prestigious music awards was held today, and while you never really paid attention to awards, you made sure you told your manager that you had to leave as soon as the sun went down.

Now the winner of the most anticipated award, Daesang, was about to be announced. Interestingly, the two groups that had the biggest potential to win—Stray Kids and ITZY—both belonged to JYP Entertainment.

“I’m sure everyone has been waiting for this category,” the male MC trailed off, causing you to bite your bottom lip in impatience. Just as the female MC opened the envelope, your door bell rang. You clicked your tongue, making time to raise the TV volume first before running to your door. A delivery man was standing there, holding a small clear case. A CD? Without at least a bubble wrap to protect it?

“Are you Y/N?” the man asked, and you nodded absent-mindedly as you took it and closed the door without saying thank you. It was rude, but you could care less since both MCs were now smiling at the camera to tease the audience.

You quickly went back to your favorite spot—on the right side of the couch—and flipped the case. A clumsily-written tracklist was taped on it, and you frowned when you noticed a short note at the bottom.

“Chan hyung will kill me for doing this but you need to know. It’s been long overdue. -Seo Changbin”

A little panicked, you opened the case to see if there was anything else, but that was it. You read the tracklist, and the title of the first song sounded painfully familiar.

“Congratulations to… Stray Kids!”

You looked up, a relieved smile plastered on your lips. The whole audience cheered and clapped as the said nine guys stood up from their seats, dumbstruck look on their faces. They walked up the stage, took the trophy, spent the first 3 minutes sobbing and hugging each other before actually delivering their speech.

Leader Bang Chan grabbed the mic, causing you to shift closer to the television. “I was just a boy who loved music. I still do, and words can’t explain how thankful I am for all of you,” he said, half-sobbing. “Winning a Daesang has always been our dream, and now that it came true, we promise we’ll become even better.”

He went on thanking a bunch of people, from his family and friends in Sydney to fellow celebrities. And then he paused, staring at the camera for a while before blinking his tears away. “And to everyone who’s supported us and made us stronger, I love you. I hope your heart is where I’ll always stay.”

You glanced down, trying to fight back your own tears.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

(I Hope) Your Heart Is Where I Stay

“You really should go to sleep at normal hour, Chris,” you protested, sighing at the sight of Chan copying your Math homework in the speed of light. “And please do your homework before you start training.”

Chan dropped his pen as he wrote down the last number, pouting at you. “We finish school at 3. I go to the company right away. I have lessons until 10. I have dinner at 11. Then I practice until 5 in the morning. I shower, get ready, then meet you at the bus stop at 6. Tell me where I should squish in ‘working on homeworks.’ “

“Why do you go to school, then? You don’t even bother to make time to do school stuffs,” you fired back, not wanting to admit that Chan did have a packed schedule. Your best friend said nothing, only sliding your notebook back to you.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized. “I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

You poked at his dimples when he didn’t respond, scooting closer to examine his face. “You’re such a baby, Bang Chan,” you commented before walking back to your seat. Chan shifted his gaze to you before breaking into a satisfied smirk. “I am, yet you’re still here.”

You had to stop yourself from blushing, but he was right.

“Catch a movie with me?” Chan is standing in front of you, slinging his backpack over one shoulder while you were zipping yours. “Don’t you have to be at the company soon?” you questioned, eyeing him from head to toe. After your “fight” this morning, Chan was even more smiley and energetic than usual. And more touchy. He was touchy to begin with, but never this much. Whether you hated it or not, you actually weren’t sure.

“I can call in sick,” he sing-sang, waving at several of your classmates. “You live in the dorm, for Christ sake,” you pointed out, but he only raised his eyebrows at you. “I have my ways, don’t worry. Jisung will cover for me.”

You met Jisung once. And Changbin. The three of them trained together and planned to release mixtapes under the name of 3RACHA, like the sauce. You kept laughing at Chan after you first heard the name, but after listening to their songs you decided that it was a suitable name for them.

Chan took your hand in his and led you out, not bothering to wait for your answer. He didn’t let go even after you got to the bus stop; he smiled at you instead as he caressed your fingers with his thumb. You didn’t have the heart to pull your hand away, but you knew you were secretly enjoying this. To be honest, nothing stressed you out more than your “friendship” with Chan thesedays. All you needed was one chance to ask if he was doing this on purpose or you were the one reading it wrong.

But, should you even try? Chan had been training for years—this year would be his seventh year—and the company loved him. They would definitely debut him and soon he would forget you. He would find you holding him back, and you didn’t want that.

You wanted to be Chan’s sweetest high school memory. Just a memory was enough, as long as he would smile when he thought of you.

The bus had arrived, and you let Chan pulled you inside. He tapped his metro card twice before you could stop him, chuckling as you let out a surprised “Yah!”

“What do you want for dinner?” he asked the second you sat down.

“Chan, we haven’t even chosen the movie we’re gonna watch yet.”

“I know. I’m just excited.”

You wanted to ask why, but then Chan was laughing and it was one of the most contagious things in the whole world. His hold on your hand grew tighter, to the point that it was impossible to move your hand, but you felt content. Whenever Chan was around, you always felt content and loved (you would never tell him this part, but that was the fact.)

You wondered if he ever felt the same.

“Are you still crying?”

Chan wiped your tears with his hand as you pouted at the blank screen. Both of you chose to watch La La Land and while the movie was wonderful, it was also realistically painful that you were unable to stop your tears.

“I feel so betrayed,” you croaked, letting Chan pull you up. “But you love movies with realistic endings. You love to suffer,” he said.

You did. You would rather weep than watch the main characters be “forced” into a happy ending. This time, though, you actually rooted for the main characters; you felt their longing for each other, you felt their love and respect for each other, and you felt their connected dreams although those ended up being the reason why they didn’t work out.

“You’re adorable,” Chan commented, the words rolled out of his mouth so naturally as if he said that everyday. You rolled your eyes at him, pretending that it didn’t make you feel giddy inside. He kept humming to City of Stars on the way home, casually linking your pinkies together.

“Christopher Bang Chan.”

“What?”

“You just missed your bus stop.”

“I’m walking you home.”

“Why?”

“Are you really asking that question?”

“You skipped practice today. What’s wrong?”

Chan stopped on his tracks, sighing as you released your pinky from his. “I’ve been meaning to ask you the same thing,” he confessed. “You seem… distracted. And so distant from me. Did I do something wrong?”

Uh-oh. You definitely didn’t expect that.

“Nothing. It’s just—”

The two of you had been friends since Chan moved back to Seoul from Sydney a few years back. At first, it was purely because you spoke English well, but Chan never left your side even after he got used to living in Korea on his own.

Things were chill until recently, when you noticed that Chan started treating you differently. He would smile at every silly thing you said, held your hand in front of everybody, or called you at night only because he wanted you to keep him company.

“What are we, Chan? I can’t help but feeling confused because you’re being like… this.”

Chan furrowed his eyebrows, cupping your face so he could look into your eyes. “Like what?”

You eyed his hands that were on your cheeks before removing them. “Like this. I don’t want to misinterpret any signal, Chan,” you mumbled. “If there’s any signal at all.”

“My goodness,” he gasped, pulling you into a bear hug you always enjoyed. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You’re doing it now, Chris.”

He chuckled, squishing you into his chest. “I didn’t intend to send signals, but I guess I’ve been like this because I,” he takes a deep breath, “like you. Like, like you. As more than a friend.”

Chan tried to pull away to see your response, but you circled your arms around his torso instead, not wanting him to see your reddening cheeks. “You could’ve just said so, dummy. I thought you were just playing with me.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” he answered, placing his chin on top of your head. “I really didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t want you to feel awkward around me.”

“Too late for that. I don’t think I can ever look at you again now,” you groaned, your heart swelling with happiness when his laugh rumbled through his chest.

Chan gripped your arms, pulling away to grin at you and now you realized why you were being unusually sad over a movie’s ending.

Bang Chan was Mia, someone so endearing and inspiring and strong and talented and it was only a matter of time before the world knew what he was worth of. You, meanwhile, had a simple dream like Sebastian’s and just wanted to do your own thing, slowly realizing that you and Chan were living on a borrowed time.

But your best friend was looking at you like you were the only one who could make him happy and it was hard to resist. Chan could ask you to marry him right here, right now, and you would say yes. He might not be your first crush, but you were pretty sure that he was your first love. You wanted him—every inch of his heart—and he was offering exactly that to you.

“You’re not just gonna pretend that this never happens tomorrow, right?” you whispered as Chan cupped your face once again. He smiled when he felt that you were anticipating his next move, before brushing his lips against your temple. It was sweet and soft, but it ended too quickly and you wanted more.

You tried not to pout; the disappointment in your eyes was so obvious it made Chan chuckle. “You’re so whipped for me, how am I supposed to pretend that this never happens?” he teased, placing another kiss on your cheek.

“Wow I hate you.”

“Hate you more, babe.”

One of Chan’s trainee friends, Yang Jeongin, celebrated his birthday today. Jeongin had invited you over for dinner with the rest of the boys. You almost said no, but he sounded so convincing on the phone, saying that everyone was dying to meet you. Chan had also been begging you to finally come over and meet the other boys.

“I don’t know, Chan. I’m not even a trainee, and you’re not even supposed to be dating. How can I just show up?”

“Everybody dates, Y/N. Don’t be so naïve,” he replied, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as you were nearing the building. You sighed, glancing at Chan who was now humming a song you never heard before. When your eyes landed on his lips, you were forced to remember the fact that Chan hadn’t kissed you yet. Well, he kissed your cheeks, your nose, your temple, your forehead, your jaw… pretty much everywhere but your lips.

You felt ashamed at yourself for even thinking about wanting to be kissed. It was beyond stupid, and you knew you couldn’t possibly measure Chan’s love for you with something as insignificant as a kiss, but you were starting to question his sincerity. Was he really serious with you? Or were you just someone he kept because he was lonely or something?

“We’re here!” your boyfriend exclaimed, entering the password quickly. He pushed the door open, and soon eight pairs of eyes fixated their gazes on you. “Hi.” You waved at them, trying not to frown at the burning smell that greeted you the moment you stepped inside.

However, Chan beat you to it. “What did you guys burn?” he panicked, patting your head before running to the kitchen. The boys then proceeded to attack with you with questions (and thankfully, compliments), which you tried your best to answer.

You recognized Jeongin standing at the back, yelling at his hyungs to “stop harassing Y/N they’re my guest!”

Kim Woojin, whom Chan always ate fried chicken with every week, gave you an apologetic smile as the birthday boy walked past him. “Jeongin really wants to meet you,” he noted as Jeongin shook your hand with absolute excitement. “Christopher Bang is all giggles everytime he talks about you. Of course I have to meet you!”

“Is that a compliment?” you asked, liking him already. Changbin laughed, gesturing at you to sit on the couch while Chan was screaming in the background (“WHY DID YOU GUYS EVEN BOTHER MAKING BOILED EGGS IF YOU’RE JUST GONNA LEAVE THEM LIKE THIS!”).

Chan returned to the living room with a pot of burned boiled eggs and a pan of seemingly undercooked spaghetti. “Ah, sorry!” Seungmin yelled as soon as he spotted the eggs. “I was the one boiling them but then Y/N arrived and I got distracted.”

“Don’t use my Y/N as an excuse!” the older boy warned, causing everyone—including you—to cringe. Jisung passed you a plate for the spaghetti, which you politely declined. “Hyung, have you told them about our debut plans?”

You widened your eyes at Chan who looked as if he got caught red handed. It was such an incredible news, you didn’t understand why he was trying to hide it from you. Before anyone could throw in some awkward jokes to lessen the tension, Felix and Minho brought a huge cake into the living room, singing the Happy Birthday song. The others followed suit, showering Jeongin with bear hugs (Changbin tried to kiss him) tickles.

You watched the adorable chaos upon you, trying to memorize every little detail because everything would change soon. Chan seemed to notice the look in your eyes as he sprinted to you and dragged you out of the living room. He stopped in front of his room, placing his hands on your shoulders.

“Today is Jeongin’s birthday, but I also have something for you,” he whispered. He pushed you inside the room, trying to make you sit on his bed but you became too excited to listen to him.

“I think you need a new pop filter, Chan. I’m going to buy it for you,” you said, chuckling at his Dragon Ball figurines on the shelf. You noticed a jewelry box on his desk, a framed photo of you smiling at the camera was placed on top of it.

You opened it, and found all of the things you had given him inside. Most of them were things he needed at that time: a box of band aids, a phone strap, your Sharpie, and a pair of Snoopy earrings (which he had to wear for a week after losing a bet).

“Y/N, please sit down,” Chan whined, blushing when you poked his cheek. “You made a shrine for me, I don’t know whether I should feel honored or scared.”

“I also made a song for you.”

That got your attention, so you sat down on his bed, watching Chan browsing through his phone. He kneeled down, grabbing your hands as a soft instrumental started playing. “I wanted to tell you about our debut plan, but everything still seems too good to be real and I don’t want you to be disappointed if it… you know… doesn’t happen.”

You laced your fingers with his, bending down to kiss his nose. “I’ll always be proud of you, Chan. You’re talented and the company knows it, that’s a fact,” you assured him. You remembered the time when he told you that he was going to debut years ago. It never happened, and he had to watch his close friends debuted one by one. At this point—after 7 years of training, you knew Chan was scared to even voice out his excitement to himself.

“Another reason that I planned to wait before telling you is because… I don’t want you to break up with me.”

Chan lifted his hand to caress your cheekbone, a gesture that always made your heart flutter in a hundred different ways. “That’s absurd, Chan,” you told him.

“Even now I’ve canceled many of our dates because of lessons or late night recordings with Changbin and Jisung. You don’t get enough sleep because you’re always waiting for me to finish practicing. Sometimes we barely talk at school since I always fall asleep,” he recounted. “I’m not good for you, Y/N. And I’m afraid that you’ll eventually realize how lacking I am and how you deserve to be loved by a man who can love you properly.”

You shook your head, throwing your arms around his neck. “You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, Bang Chan.”

“I think that’s because I’m the only boyfriend you’ve ever had.”

“Please don’t ruin the mood.”

“Sorry.”

“My point is, we’re both trying our best and I never feel that you’re lacking. You’ve been nothing but perfect.” You pulled away, threading your hand through his curly locks. “Now where’s that song you wrote for me?”

Chan took a deep breath, reaching for his phone to replay the instrumental. “I wanted to take you somewhere nice and sing to you there. But here you are, being your beautiful, loving, witty self and I just can’t wait anymore.”

“I don’t know how to write love songs

Or if I can even call this a love song

All I know is I’m writing this for you

Pouring out feelings that feel surreal.”

You giggled, pulling Chan up so that he was lying on top of you. You heard someone knocking on the door, but neither of you moved from your position.

“But I wake up everyday and you’re still here

Walking down this dark tunnel with me

Showering me with warmth and joy like no one else

And I wonder if you feel the same

So I hope

Your heart is where I’ll always stay.”

He stopped although the music was still playing, and you didn’t know if it was because he forgot his lyrics or because that was all he could manage to say. Chan pecked your forehead softly, keeping his hand on your cheek as he pulled away.

“God I love you so much,” he whispered, his lips quivering as you let his words sink in. “Can I kiss you?”

Chan’s lips touched yours and all you could see and feel was Bang Chan and his love for you. He parted your lips with his tongue, sighing in contentment when you tugged at his hair. You pulled him closer although he was practically lying on you, trailing his hand along your spine. “Chan,” you gasped, almost forgetting what you wanted to say when he continued tugging at your bottom lip with his teeth.

“Channie,” you tried again, and this time he pulled away, chuckling at your disoriented state.

“Yeah?”

“I love you too. A lot.”

“And Chan?”

He hummed, giving you pecks all over your face as you struggled to stop giggling. “Why did you only kiss me now?”

You expected Chan to smirk at you and tease you to no end, but he only stared at you before dropping another smooch on your lips. “I didn’t want you to think that I only wanted you that way. You’re so gorgeous and precious and you chose me, I don’t want to lose you.”

“Chan hyung!” Changbin banged on the door, causing Chan to grumble. “Is my phone inside?”

“Fuck off, Changbin!” Chan yelled.

“I will! But please don’t do anything weird in there! Y/N you’re still alive, right?”

“Safe and sound, Changbin!”

“Seo Changbin, I swear to God—”

You didn’t let Chan finish as you crashed your lips on his once again, and for now you didn’t want to think about how you were running out of time, how Chan would eventually slip away from you despite saying all of those sweet words that were already engraved in your heart.

He wanted to stay in your heart, so you let him.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

If there was any other day you hated more than Monday, it would be Thursday. On Thursdays, it started to feel like the weekend, but then it wasn’t even Friday yet and everything just felt a bit more mundane and tiring. And empty.

At least on Friday you could meet up with your friends after work or drink with your co-workers. And then you could spend (at least) half of Saturday lazing around in bed before getting up to clean up your place and then binge-watch shows you missed until Sunday night.

But tonight was different.

You were lying in bed, looking at unread messages from an unknown number that you assumed to be Changbin’s. The boys had changed their phone numbers several times after debut due to some obsessive fans spamming them, but somehow all of them managed to keep yours. You always received birthday wishes from them, except for Chan who opted to send a box of dark chocolate (72% chocolate, your favorite) to your place every year. He never left any cards, and you could only guess who told him your address (if it wasn’t your brother, then you would be afraid), but you knew it was him.

Besides the annual birthday gift, you never had any contact with your ex-boyfriend for the past four years. You saw him a lot, of course. Stray Kids had their breakthrough year 1.5 years after their debut, and Chan became one of the most popular singer-songwriters in the country.

The songs in the CD, however, sounded like nothing he would ever write. You decided to take it slow, listening to one song each night.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

The Candle I Blow Out

It was already past midnight when you opened the door for Chan, who looked like he ran the whole way to your house (he did). “You don’t have to do this,” you sighed, wiping his sweat with your hand. “We just finished filming. I’m sorry.”

“How’s Felix?” you asked, closing the door before leaning on it. It had been awhile since you last saw him and the boys; the company created a survival show for them, and you could see how it took a toll on everyone, mainly Chan. It felt weird seeing your boyfriend on television, and it felt even weirder to see people talking about him, admiring him, even hating on him. But you told yourself to get used to it, to accept the fact that nobody ever belonged to just one person. In this case, though, you had to share Chan with the whole world. Which definitely wasn’t easy at all.

“He’s doing pretty well. I think they’re considering to take both him and Minho back,” he said, and you immediately wrapped him in your arms. “I’m tired,” he added, burying his face on the crook of your neck. “I know,” you replied. “But it will end soon, and greater things are just about to start.”

Chan let out a frustrated sigh, mumbling things you were unable to hear. “Hmm?” you hummed, pulling away to see him tearing up. “Don’t cry on me, Bang Chan. You’re the leader of 8 boys and you’re doing great.”

He chuckled. “You pretending to be so tough on me. That’s hot.”

Deep down, you knew you weren’t just pretending to be tough on him. You were pretending to be tough on yourself too, trying to convince yourself that you wouldn’t be a burden for him and he would stay.

The melody of District 9 was still playing in your head although the boys had said goodbye and disappeared into the backstage. You stared at the empty stage in awe, reading the words “Stray Kids Unveil (Op. 01: I Am Not)” almost in disbelief. The fans around you were still busy gushing over the members, and it made you happy.

“Bang Chan is really crazy.”

“I know right? How does he do what he does?”

Hours of recording, barely sleeping, whining to you over the phone, and being so in love with what he’s doing.

“I don’t know about you guys, but he’s super hot.”

“He is! And did you pay attention to his body? It’s crazy.”

You knew you were probably supposed to leave, but you stayed, listening to them talking (sometimes screaming) about your boyfriend in a way that made you feel proud and weird. However, when they started talking about Cheongdam high school, the school you and Chan went to, you took it as a sign to leave.

“Do you have friends from Cheongdam High? Like the ones from his batch? I want to know how he was at school…”

channie: how is it that i arrived at your house before you did?

y/n: are you aware of how many fans you have and how hard was it to even get out of the venue

channie: oops. didnt think of that babe

y/n: you couldve asked me to drop by at your dorm, its fine

channie: you know i can’t risk that right :(

channie: pls come home soon

channie: i cant take another hour of your brother laughing at my makeup

y/n: lol deal with it

Laughters and giggles were heard as soon as you stepped inside your living room. Your parents and brother were chatting with Chan, who was still wearing his stage outfit. Now that you were looking at him up close, you realized how magical he was. “Hi,” he grinned, immediately lacing his fingers with yours.

“You should’ve seen how he tried to act cool on stage,” you told your brother as you put down a bucket of fried chicken on the table. “I heard you skipped the party with the boys?”

“Yeah, I did,” he answered distractedly, typing on his phone before dialing a number.

“Ah hyung,” he said. “Y/N just arrived and we—okay then.”

He ended the call, giving you a sad smile before standing up. “They want me back ASAP, I’m sorry. My manager is already outside.”

“It’s okay Channie, you must be tired too. Thank you for visiting us,” your mother assured him.

“Here, share with the boys. I’m sure you still have space for chicken,” you said. Chan took the bucket from you, making his way to the door.

“You did amazing today. I’m proud of you,” you whispered, ruffling his head as he chuckled. You could see fatigue and guilt in his eyes and you started to feel bad. “You’re not mad at me, are you?” he muttered.

“You just debuted. You’ve finally achieved your dream. Why would I be mad? I’m happy for you. My boyfriend is going to be a famous artist soon.”

Chan eventually left with a relieved smile on his face, but you figured it wouldn’t last long.

“You asked Soo to do what?”

You were walking down the street with a beanie covering half of your eyes. Chan had finished recording for a reality show, and he asked to meet you at the small coffee shop you used to go to during high school days (you were the only one who ordered though).

“I asked him to give him the spare key so I could close the shop for him.”

“Did he really agree to do this or did you—”

“He didn’t mind, Y/N. Why are you making this complicated?”

“I’m not. I just don’t want us to make other people uncomfortable.”

“We’ve known Soo since high school. He’s happy to help.”

He was right about that, so you told him you were arriving soon. You and Chan had had countless dates at Soo’s, even before you started dating officially. You made a mental note to pay visit later and thank him for trusting both of you this much. Meeting Chan had been a real challenge since the start of Stray Kids’ recent comeback. Their fandom continued to grow, and now some people started to follow the boys around during their schedule. It was only two or three people, but everyone was aware of it, especially Chan who became extremely careful (or paranoid, according to Minho).

You noticed how Chan had shut down the curtains when you got there. You slowly opened the door, and Chan’s eyes lit up when he saw you.

“Hi gorgeous.”

You scoffed at his cheesiness, but circled your arms around his neck as he pulled you close. “Dates at Soo’s, huh? Some things never change indeed.”

Chan giggled, peppering small kisses on your face. “Missed you, babe,” he sighed, tightening his hold on your waist.

“Don’t you wanna sit down?” you joked.

He shook his head. “No. I want to hold you,” he whined, pressing a more intense kiss on your lips.

“Is there any reason why you’re being this clingy?”

“Aren’t I clingy in general?”

“Chan.”

He rubbed circles on your waist. “We’ll be going on tour soon.”

You squealed and booped his nose. “That’s great! If the company gives you guys a tour then it means you’re doing well, right?”

“I guess so. The boys are excited about this, and we’ll be going to Australia soon. But Y/N—”

He paused, causing you to cup his face in worry. “What is it?”

“We’ll release the next album soon, practice for awards and year-end shows, and then practice for the tour while preparing the next album. It’ll be even harder for us to meet,” he lamented.

You tried to keep the smile on your face, but you knew he noticed the slight fear in your eyes. No matter how much you had prepared yourself for this, you weren’t ready.

But the last thing Chan needed was you being a nuisance, so you told him that it didn’t matter and spent the rest of the night catching up.

“Can I take you home?”

“You asked Soo to give you his key so we could have a private space and now you want to take me home.”

“Can I at least take you to the bus stop?”

Chan was begging with his eyes, and you instantly melted. “Okay,” you said, opening the door. He followed you, locking the door carefully before wrapping his arm around your shoulders. “Have you bought birthday presents for the babies?”

“You meant Jisung, Felix, and Seungmin?”

“Yeah, they’re—”

Both of you stopped walking as you heard the sound of shutter. Chan looked around, gripping your shoulder so tightly you nearly brushed him away. But before you could say anything, he had let you go and walked slightly in front of you.

channie: i think you have to go by yourself this time

channie: I’ll make it up to you i promise

You watched him making a turn at the corner of the street, his black hoodie becoming one with the dark sky as he quickened his pace. You glanced at your phone, hot tears falling onto the screen. What Chan did was understandable, it was a reflex. But it hurt, and you remembered the time when you thought that you and Chan were living on a borrowed time.

y/n: its okay. be safe.

Maybe your time together was up.

When Chan appeared at your doorstep with barely opened eyes, you just let him in without any protest. He only became more and more busy, and no matter how cheerful he appeared on cameras, days like this happened often.

“Is your brother home?” he asked, putting down a few shopping bags on your couch. You recently got a job in the central city, and you moved into your brother’s apartment so you could commute more comfortably.

“Bought him some fruits. And chocolate for you.”

You smiled, pulling out a box of dark chocolate from one of the bags. “You love me so much.”

He didn’t reply, causing you to dart your eyes to him. “What happened?”

Chan sat you down on the couch, biting his lips as you patted his biceps. “I think we should break up.”

It would be a lie if you didn’t see that coming. After both of you were supposedly photographed together two months ago, Chan changed. He was still the cheerful (but tired) and sweet Chan, but his eyes said otherwise and although he thought he hid it well from you, he didn’t.

“Alright,” was all you said.

“Babe, please don’t be like this—”

“It’s fine, Chan. I understand,” you cut him off. “I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t want to cause you more stress. If being together doesn’t make us happy anymore then there’s no point in forcing this.”

What you wanted to tell him was that you knew he was scared of losing his fans if he ever got caught dating you, but you couldn’t trust yourself to say that out loud without crying.

You loved Bang Chan, and this was the best thing you could do for him.

“You’re not holding me back. It’s just-”

“I get it. You’re too busy and everything is too risky.”

Your phone beeped, showing a message from your brother who was coming home soon. You stood up and walked to your door, Chan trailing behind you. “You should go. My brother is coming soon and God knows how many hours he’ll make you stay,” you attempted to joke. He smiled, taking your hand in his before placing a kiss on the back of your hand. He stared at you, long and intense, like he wanted to say something.

“I’m sorry.”

That was all he said.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

“Is my toothbrush there?” your brother asked over the phone. You peeked into the bathroom, spotting a toothbrush that he used.

“Yeah it’s here. Why?”

“I’m staying over at Jiyeon’s place.”

“I don’t want to sound like Mom but just… don’t get her pregnant.”

“We’re getting married, dumbass.”

“But still.”

Silence.

“I called Chan,” he confessed. “I know I probably shouldn’t have done that though. Sorry.”

You faked a laugh. “Just because we broke up doesn’t mean you two can’t talk.”

“But still.”

“It’s been four years,” you said. “It’s old story. And he won Daesang, of course you wanted to congratulate him.”

“I didn’t congratulate him,” he corrected, voice unusually calm. “I cursed him out for dating that person from Sparkle. Who was it? Kim Jiho?”

You sighed, spinning the CD in your hand. “Come on, we moved on. Plus that was like… 2 years ago?”

“Maybe he did, but you didn’t. I don’t care how many people you dated after Chan, Y/N. We know the truth.”

“Let’s talk tomorrow, I’m tired,” you sternly said, hitting the end button before your brother attacked you more.

You decided to finally open Changbin’s message, which said how sorry he was for intruding your and Chan’s privacy and for you to “please please please” let him explain. You wondered what the rest 2 songs be about for Changbin to have second thoughts.

“Fuck it,” you muttered, sliding the CD into your laptop.

The song gave off a different vibe from the first one. The first song was light and sweet, and this one felt like all of things at once, but mostly regret.

“The sun shines bright

The stars twinkle

The world welcomes me

But what am I supposed to do?

I feel colder than ever

The warm candle I lit

Is now just a memory

I wonder if it’s my fault.”

You reached for your phone on the side table, asking Changbin for Chan’s number.

“Harsh wind? Hurricane?

My warmth, my light, my hope

Is gone

You’re gone

You’re the candle I blow out

And it’s all my fault.”

The song slowly came to an end, but then you heard a familiar sobbing sound. It took you a good minute to realize that it was Chan’s. He kept crying and crying until someone rushed into the recording room.

“Hyung!” you heard Changbin’s voice before the audio was cut short.

You pressed stop, and for the first time since your breakup, you cried. For Chan, for yourself, for all the time you spent trying to convince yourself that you would be okay without him.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

(Not an) Epilogue

“C-Chan?”

“Y/N?”

The moment he called your name, your defense crumbled. You started crying again, causing him to yell at the boys to shut up.

“Y/N? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“Yes,” you answered. “It hurts, Chan-ah.”

“Where are you? Are you home?”

You didn’t answer, but you could feel him nodding. “I’ll be there soon, okay? Have you called your brother?”

“Chan,” you sobbed. “Please.”

“I’m coming. Don’t hang up.”

So you didn’t. You heard him fumbling with his car keys before starting the engine. He didn’t ask anything throughout the journey, only occasionally telling you to wait for him. When he knocked on your door, you hesitated.

Would things really turn out the way you wanted it to be?

“What happened?” he asked as soon you opened your door. Chan ushered you inside, taking your face in his hands to press soft kisses on your eyes as if he never left. “Hey, why are you crying?”

You pointed at the CD case, which he took immediately. He read Changbin’s note before pulling you into his arms. He whispered strings of apology in your ear as you cried even harder. “I let you go, Chan. Why aren’t you happy?” you asked.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he replied. “I just didn’t want to ruin your life Y/N. I don’t want you to get hate, to have people talking shit about you. I thought it’d be better if you hated me instead of suffering because of me.”

You sighed, your tears started to subside. “I didn’t want you to lose everything you tried so hard to achieve because of me. I just want to be your sweetest memory, Chan. I—”

“I love you,” he said. “I thought I could forget you. People move on, right, so why can’t I?”

Chan rested his forehead on your shoulder, breathing you in as you put your arms around his waist. “But it’s been 4 years and at this point I can’t keep lying to you or myself.”

“If you still want me around, if you’re okay with what I’m doing, will you let me stay?” he asked, pulling away to see your reaction. You looked at him, and you saw the Bang Chan you knew. The one who loved to mess around with you but was also the one who would protect you. The one who wrote you songs he never revealed to anyone else. The one who broke your heart into pieces but willing to pierce the pieces back together.

“Why do you even bother asking?” you answered, saying every word slowly to tease him. “You never left, Chan. I guess you really stayed in my heart after all.”

He burst into a loud laugh, pressing his lips against yours. He took everything slow, like he wanted to remember how it felt when your lips molded together, how you pulled him closer when his tongue grazed your teeth, how the touch of his lips left wonderful burning sensation on your skin.

You pulled away when his phone rang, watching Chan glance at the caller before switching his phone off. “Okay. I have to be a responsible artist and a responsible, loving boyfriend. What should I do?”

You only wiggled your eyebrows at him, causing him to groan. He took a deep breath and gripped your shoulders. “If I go back to practice then return here at 3AM, will that count?” he suggested. “Oh no, I’ll be back at 6AM. You need sleep.”

“Now that’s responsible,” you agreed, pecking his lips. “And if you want to be a loving boyfriend as well, please bring me breakfast.”

Chan sighed in relief, eyes twinkling with excitement that you never wanted to trade with anything. “Does kaya toast sound good? Seungmin is into making toasts thesedays, I can steal some.”

“Also, have you listened to all the tracks yet?”

“I still have the last track to listen to.”

“Good. Don’t listen to that. I can make you thousands other songs but please, don’t listen to that one.”

Chan gave you one last look before reaching for the doorknob. “I’ll be back.”

And it was a promise he fulfilled.

“I only have one more chapter to write

I don’t want this story to be over

Holding your hand, listening to your silly jokes

Lulling you to sleep, waking up to you

I still want to do all of those.

Y/N we don’t have to end like Sebastian and Mia

Can I write one more chapter?

Can I write a thousand more?

Because Channie loves you so much”

This time you didn’t press stop. You repeated the song over and over again.

a/n: wow this turned out to be longer than i expected. if you get to this part, then thank you for reading! mayhaps the chan’s room series inspired this although there’s nothing about that in the story.

841 notes · View notes

jujywrites · 5 years ago

Text

WIP Challenge

I got tagged by @kikithedeceiver to do this!

Challenge: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

Here’s the thing. I don’t have many separate WIP files; most of them are in one huge doc. and most of the separate wip files are... pretty dead? but ok whatevs. under a read more since it’s long...... and my ego won’t let me skip snippets hjkhkhk thanks for the idea Kiki

From my main miscellaneous folder:

50 Grades of Steele. 1 and a half chaps of a role-flipped 50 Shades of Grey rewrite (i haven’t read the books so I extra don’t care about the characters lol). why do i still have it i’ve lost interest.... *side eyes her entire wip ecosystem* ...Then I see my interview subject, seated at her desk.

"Mr. Grey. I'm pleased to meet you."

And I stop breathing. [end CH1]

[open CH2) I forgot to mention something: I exaggerate occasionally. But I'm not now. I literally stop breathing for a few seconds. A thousand thoughts are racing through my mind, which doesn't help my chest stop seizing, but the main problem here is that Anastasia Steele is quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Fanfic idea masterlist. my most active file and where I keep most of my WIPS, unless they get too “large”. Organized by fandom. lotta stuff i keep passing by & may as well be dead but don’t wanna delete. here’s a zero-draft snippet of probably the next chapter of my G-rated yukyoru fic collection

He grabbed a pillow and placed it to his chest, grabbed her arm, and yanked her to him, praying his idea would work.

Seconds passed and he didn't transform. He put his arms around her gingerly. Should he try to immobilize her or would that make it worse?

She made the decision for him. "Mom," she sobbed, clutching him with an iron grip. "N-Need to help...!"

His stomach dropped to his shoes.

Thudding footsteps announced Yuki's arrival. "What's wrong?! Honda-san--"

He didn't say "What did you do?" The thought raced by and Kyo said, "Grab a pillow and help me!"

As Yuki positioned the pillow and himself without having to ask, Kyo said, "She won't wake up. I don't know what to do!"

"Night terror," Yuki said tightly. He was too close but it almost didn't matter. "Not much you can do besides wait."

MayxWard BDSM fic agents of SHIELD. mix of notes and actual writing. kind of a half AU. Melinda climbed into the driver's side and buckled in, then started up the car. "If you've not ridden on the left before you might have motion sickness. It's normal. Just close your eyes until—" She paused as she looked at him; his hands shook so much he couldn't manage the seatbelt. "Here, let me."

"Thanks," he muttered with a sigh, looking rueful.

Modern AU Zelink. What it says on the tin~ Teenage-ish Zelink, with a mash of supporting characters from other games. another mix of notes and fic. Link wasn't sleeping tonight. Tonight was the night he'd been planning for and awaiting for weeks. He was going on a quest: the quest to meet Princess Zelda.

She wasn't really a princess, of course. That was just her nickname. Zelda Nohansen was Hyrule's sweetheart, the most sought-after young actress in the movie business. And Link had fallen in love with her the first time he'd seen her, two years ago in a tiny theater in Kakariko.

PMMMfic homumado. Madoka Magica. AU, been around since about an hour after I finished the series (5 years yikes, still gotta watch Rebellion). Homura's time power still somewhat involved, but Mami's an adult, everyone's at a boarding school (I think?) where ~things aren't as they first seem~ and Madoka has mysterious powers and night terrors. just notes at the moment.

SoubixHitomi. Loveless. 3 unfinished/dead first-person Shinonome-senseixSoubi snippets, all of ‘em spicy.

yvy abo. Yuri On Ice. Yuri (Katsuki!!)/Victor/Yuko(!!?!), my attempt at. well. omegaverse(!!!!!!!). orignally started as part of a “bad YOI fic” bigbang and now I’m taking it seriously dgdgfg. Alpha Yuko. “Please, please stop,” she whispered, like saying it aloud would make any difference. But the pressure in her head kept building. Her limbs had begun to itch restlessly.

And Victor wouldn’t let go of her hand.

With the last scrap of her control, she straddled him quickly and kissed him awake.

Even in half-sleep he arched to meet her, and when he opened his eyes sapphire blue had already turned stormy with lust.

yvy canonfuturefic. Yuko-focused following of canon, or: how canon can I keep YOI while still rareship OT3ing it. She and Yuri fall in and out of love, in between falling for Victor. Victuri is still my life I swear

“You have got to watch this,” she tells Yuri. She watches Yuri’s face instead of the video, having seen it at least forty times by now.

Yuri’s eyes transform into beacons of awe, and Yuko swallows around her rapid heartbeat, breaths coming too short. She sees everything she’s feeling and more on his face. She remembers that she loves him, that he’s real and here and more important than the beautiful boy on her phone who’s trying to pull her under to a scary new world.

ZnT ot3 bdsm AU. Zankyou no Terror, 9/12/Lisa. mix of notes and fic, not just PWP. in heavy need of editing bc a lot was inspired by a non-spicy book.

“But it’s not just me. It’s everyone. You need everyone because you have no idea how to need yourself. Or even how to be yourself.”

“You’re wrong.” The force and volume of her voice shocked her and pushed her onward. “You and Touji. I don’t need anyone except you and Touji! Because you both taught me how to be myself-- no, how to find that on my own. I know exactly who I am, and that me isn’t complete without both of you!” She could feel the tears streaming down her face, yet somehow her voice didn’t waver. She felt so full of conviction she could burst into flames. “Don’t you understand, Arata? We’re all meant to be together.”

From my SnK folder:

Cave of the Crystal Maiden (working title). Aruani. Modern AU. MMORPG shenanigans with a dollop of magical realism/supernatural. Just notes. @portraitofa-girl suggested “meeting online” and it’s been there literally for years oh lord im sorry. no fic yet, just notes.

Falling Anthem (working title) Modern AU Levihan, art student Hange and young professor Levi. just notes. fic one in a planned series. also has been years ;_;

Raindrops and Soft Steps. Jearmin. unsurprisingly, modern AU. One morning, when Jean looks out of his bedroom window, he sees a boy dancing across the street. In the street, to be exact. There wouldn't be anything unusual about that, Jean supposes, except it's raining cats and dogs outside.

In my IAMXfic folder (fff i almost skipped this):

2ndPOVCalberto (DO NOT CORRUPT WITH HET) ChrisxAlberto? not much to say?? yes i know they’re real people??? which applies to everything after this oh my god *crawls under desk* Of course she knows; she is annoyingly perceptive when it comes to romance. The only thing preventing you from asking her (like a fucking lovestruck teenager) if Alberto likes you back is emptying that beer bottle. By then the only thing on your mind is ordering another.

CalbertImmi. i can’t even keep my poly shit outta RPF ahaha omhg Imogen has a conversation with her lover's lover. (AlbertImmi, sequel to...) Imogen finds herself in an unenviable position. (emerging CalbertImmi)

Alternate summaries (CC POV, first fic?): Chris loves two people. He doesn't want to choose. Chris has fallen in love a few times in his life. But he's never fallen for two people at once. (Chris also isn't good at choosing.)

ChrisxJ. several self-insert fics bc CC is just that powerful, apparently. haven’t looked at the file in a long time,,,,,

He started calling people to the stage with him, and one by one, my row emptied.

"Come on, yeah, come on," he was saying, waving his hand in an inviting gesture and grinning like a little kid. "Hey, you want to?" I did a double take.

"Me?" I mouthed, pointing at myself just to be sure. He nodded, smiling wider.

So it was that I walked unsteadily down the ramp and waited in line, feeling like I didn’t belong there. Soon I was next in line. What would I say? What would I do? I was sure if I opened my mouth I’d either burst into tears or faint.

Genderswapped IAMX sci-fi. The sci-fi was inspired by a word prompt, genderswapping by my own brain. (play spot the Immi lmao) Across the aisle, Sam rolled his eyes. “Leave Chris alone; she’s nervous.”

“And put on your own seatbelt, Johann,” shouted Jess, two seats back and in Sam’s aisle.

Patrick turned to look at Chris. “Subspace travel is a bitch,” he said simply, and turned back to his book.

“Oh, I feel much less nervous now,” Chris said with a sardonic grin. “How do you know that, anyway?”

"I'm not exactly what I seem to be." He didn’t look up.

Chriimmi (While I Was Gone inspired). Chris/Imogen, inspired by scenes from Sue Miller’s While I Was Gone.

"You really ought not to do that, you know," he said softly.

"Do what?"

"Sneak up on me."

My eyes slid from his face. "I didn't mean to. It just... happened."

"Mm." I glanced back at him; he wore a lopsided smile. "Not that I minded." The tension was so strong the air nearly vibrated with it, yet I held my tongue, terrified that I was the only one feeling it. He took a breath, deep, nearly rising on his toes. "No. I didn't mind at all." He took my hand, circled his thumb over the back. My breath caught as I felt it, as I watched him looking down at our hands.

Chriimmi bathtub dream. dream inspired Chris/Immi smut.

Chriimmi twitter. twitfic plus some, inspired from an actual tweet iamx made that i’m still not over.

@ imogenheap Come sing your lovely lyrics with us in London. @ IAMX misses you. CCx

ChrisxImmi main. grab bag of Chriimmi I was too lazy to put into separate docs.

“What do you think?” She grinned, twirling.

He cleared his throat. “Ah, I-Imogen, what are you wearing?”

“Well, I didn’t want to clash with your theme… Janine helped me. Does it work?”

Scandalously short skirt, midriff-baring top, knee-high boots.

“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you? You’re trying to fucking kill me.”

Her grin only widened, even though a blush had started.

Fic edit chriimmi ver. yeah. editing someone else’s original fic to be chrimmi. either never posting or editing the frick out of. ~_~

He kissed her neck, whispered into it, “I love you.”

Imogen laughed. “Bollocks,” she said lazily.

”I do!” Chris protested. She looked down at him, nestled on her shoulder. He looked back, open, a little adoring. “I fell in love with you halfway through the show; I sang every note just for you.”

”Oh, please. You couldn’t have seen me.”

”No,” he said. “But I knew you were out there… I knew it had been you the minute I saw you backstage.”

Hospital Chriimmi. In which my guilty feeling over RPF are even worse bc of the inspiration ^_^U “Ms. Heap. What a pleasant surprise.” It’s surprising, how well she remembers his voice.

“Mr. Corner, what have you got yourself into?”

“Oh, just a bit of lingering insomnia. You know how it is.”

She takes a seat in the chair near his bed, crossing her legs. “Well, I’ve certainly had a sleepless night here and there, but I’ve never ended up in hospital from it. So no, I don’t suppose I do know.” Her tone is light, but her smile has begun to crack.

ImmixChris genderbend smut. the my secret friend video is... fertile material. have not actually written the smut yet.

...he saw us as characters– we put on those clothes and become separate from ourselves, removed. Whereas I simply felt like myself in men’s clothes, and instead of feeling what He felt for Her, I just kept right on feeling what I felt for Chris, amplified to a distracting level.

ReluctantdommeImmixSubCC. ...shrug emoji? notes and uh. visualizing.

Vampire Chriimmi. based on a dream. smutty. inspired by True Blood so wow that’s old.

From my Markipairings folder:

demon dream. markiplier self insert...... ughhhhhhhh o///o

"You can have me," I tell the creature. "But this one," I jerk my head toward Mark, "comes with me. He's mine, you see." A bold proclamation to make, but in the moment I know that the truth in those words surpasses everything I've ever said. He is mine, and saying the thought out loud fills me with courage. He squeezes my hand, two short and a long one so strong I think he might break it.

I know we’ll win.

DommeJujY. same as above, same as the next four. smutty.

Fight team AU. i forget where i got this one from. vaguely inspired by loveless i guess. The first clear thought I had was, He shouldn't have gone ahead of me. The second one was, I should have been able to protect him. But these came later, after the rage went away, after I hugged him and apologized, after I bandaged him…

Gaming meetcute. i win some contest or whatever to secretly tagteam w/ Mark. stuff happens and yeah......

The adrenaline surges through my veins as I take in the scene. Mark's avatar is flailing around, backed into a corner by some Eldritch Abomination and holy shit, the graphics in this game are amazing.

"This is not good, I can't move, I can't move…"

There's a voice in the back of my head screaming to shut the game down, to get that horrible thing off the screen. I ignore it.

Markinpanties. .......smut.

shifter-slight sci-fi AU. shrug emoji.

I looked up from the ground and saw I was heading straight for a brick wall. There was no time to slow down. I braced for impact...

It didn't happen. I opened my eyes and found myself in a café.

What.

Looking behind me, I saw a door. On impulse I walked over and opened it; the tree-lined street I could see through the glass was indeed there. No brick wall to smack my face into. Bewildered, I turned around and looked for a seat, choosing one near a window.

Gouldiplier~. master doc of ficbits of my cracky mccrackship, MarkiplierxEllie Goulding.

I check my phone during break time again. My selfie has been liked and retweeted thousands of times, and I shake my head in disbelief; I don't think that will ever stop surprising me, deep down. To make things even better, Mark's liked it! I'm in the middle of a happy jig when I realize there's a text from him and a squeak of joy slips from me.

hellooo gorgeous

looks like you're having fun. Hope the shoot's going great! <3

I quickly send a reply. it has been. Be glad when it's done tho. Missin u lots xo

Markipicbunnies. fanart of Mark for Gouldiplier insipration. photographer au.

"Ms. Goulding, I'm really not sure about this…"

"I produce pictures that are intimate because I'm an intimate being, Mark." Ellie looked at him directly, a hint of a smile shaping her lips. "Deep down, I think you are too. We just need to draw you out a bit."

showersexgouldiplier. WELP. IT’S SMUT.

Also I have folders for my 2010/11 nanowrimo novel that are kinda still WIPs but also kinda not

i’m gonna tag.... @kippielovesyou @kiridork and @mistergrass and anyone else who wants to do this can too :3

#JujYwrites #Mintyblather #i have too much stuuuffffff

1 note · View note

ecotone99 · 5 years ago

Text

[MF] Sunday Scaries

The conversation formatting doesnt hold on reddit copy paste, so its much better read thru link

Linking at Top to not spoil the end - hope thats OK!

https://www.casualblasphemy.com/blog/sundayscaries

------------------------------------------

Jesus Christ and Other Swear words

Volume II: Anxiety Rainbow

A Slower Burn to Fiery Finish. About 10-15 minutes

Chapter 2, 3 or 7, not sure yet.

Chapter III: Sunday Night Scream Into the Void

I lie (awake) to myself

A feeling of impending doom. So many emails. Existential dread and the Sunday Scaries.

I cannot sleep, it is nearly midnight. I have so much to do this week.

I lie awake and try to think of all the embarrassing things other people have done.

I can't think of any, so I go back to remembering my own social failings.

The time I tripped in front of my Crush age 14. My disastrous bangs of just last year. The time I mispronounced Worcheschertshishire in front of my cute coworker. The 23 blocks I walked with toilet paper stuck to my foot and that afternoon tanning in the park with a tampon string dangling from my bikini bottoms. Everyone remembers. I am sure of it. I farted once on a conference call.

Monday is only a few hours away. So many emails and the dishes sit soaking for a third day. I shouldn't have slept in today. I have so much to do tomorrow. I think about every time i've fucked up in my past 30 years.

My anxiety builds and I try again to refocus my attention. I try to remember all the embarrassing things other people have done, but I literally cannot think of any. I sort of remember one of my friends shitting his pants. Was that the day I walked into the sliding glass door. Do you think he remembers? Oh god, was it me that poped my pants? Oh jeez, i said poped, not pooped. Im talking out loud to myself.

Thank god no one is here.

I feel lonely.

----

I eat a CBD chocolate and feel the anxiety of impending doom. So many emails.

I remember. I remember every embarrassing thing I have done in my entire life. I have so much to do this week. So many emails. I have a meeting tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. That time I was left hanging for a high five with my hand in the air. I looked like Hitler with no friends. It is Sunday and life is Scary. So much to do this week. Were they laughing at me? I feel lonely. No one talked to me today. I feel like the Pluto of my friend group.

I decide to crowdsource some self esteem and climb on Tinder.

Left

Right

Match!

Left

Oh damn this guy is hot.

Damn, 5’10

Left

Right

Match!

Left

Right

Match!

Right

Match!

Right

Match!

Every time I swipe right it's a Match. I feel attractive and desirable

Left

Double ew!

Left

Right

Nothing. What!?

I lower my standards

Right

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing

Sunday Feels Scary Again. I have so much to do tomorrow. I don't want to play the game anymore. I fear rejection from strangers. Kinda horny tho. I survey my matches and read messages:

“Hey”

“Wanna Fuck?”

“Nice weather Today”

“Show me your bobs?”

“Nice Feet”

A profile stands out

Blake

6”2’ “Ive never shoed a horse, but I told a Cow to go home once”

I don't really get it, but he's HOT. That fish he caught is HUGE! I climb out of my comfort zone and message first. I've never done this before

“Hey” she wrote with butterflies

….

…….

………..

18 minutes pass. Nothing.

I go back to swiping unenthusiastically

Right

Nothing.

I feel like a Moth in a world of Butterflies. Undesirable.

OH GOD. I research gravity blankets and take a xanax. I think of Cocoons.

I fall asleep lonely horny disappointed anxious and 8% numb. So many emails. Maybe I can do the dishes tomorrow after work, the gym, and picking up my prescriptions. I shouldn't have messaged him. I need groceries. That time I tripped on the bleachers and Becky laughed at me. I run through the grocery list in my head. Eggs, avocados, kombucha, spinach, Shame, paper towels, CBD chocolates. I feel weird.

------

I survive another week with espresso and antidepressants. It was hard. I am so tired. I am so tired all the time. Its sunday night and I feel The Doom coming again. I batten the hatches and prepare to wait out the emotional storm under the weight of my new Gravity Blanket. Its heavy and sweaty and I regret buying it. My anxiety rises to new highs and I feel like an idiot. Thank god no one is here. I feel lonely.

Ping!

Blake: :Me

“Hey ;) still up?”

I think about unmatching to teach him a lesson for not replying to me last week, but digital or not, I really need this distracting attention.

“Maybe ;) whatcha doing?”

Trying not to think about Monday LOL

LOLOL Same Same. Sunday Scaries :o

LOL I KNOW! Just gotta get through this week,

I am getting a puppy on Friday!

Puppy! What kind!?

A Frenchi :) her name is Luna

OMG NEED!

You have any pets?

Nooooo :(

You can come play with mine!

Cats or Dogs?

YES PLZ! I grew up with dogs :)

What was the name of your first pet?

Daisy :) she was so sweet

Awww, where did you grow up?

Seattle, just moved for a new job

It's hard being in a new city!

Well I can show you around!

What is your job?

Never been to Seattle, were you born there?

Born in Suburbia, lol

a little town nearby called Auburn

I work for a company that has meetings

I have a friend from Auburn!

LoL what do you meet about?

No way!

We meet about other meetings

Yea, did you got to Westside Elementary?

Eastside

Oh nice, her mom was a teacher there

Did you have Mrs. Ellison for 1st grade English?

I don't remember a Mrs. Ellison?

I had a Mr. Gardner

Oh lol. U like cars?

Sort of

I just got a new one :)

What was the make and model of your first car?

Wow! You are having quite the year!

Lol 1994 black honda civic. The dream

You sound like a Capricorn

Virgo!

Oh nice, when is your birthday?

August 24th, 1990

Just got a pic of my puppy, wanna see?

OMG YES

206-390-0345

I like Capricorns ;)

Oh god that sounded desperate

Texted you

Didn't get it!

Tried again

Nothing :(

Lol new phone too, I think its fucked tho

Whats your email, I wanna show you my bb pup!

Lol look at you Mr. New

[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])

….

……

……..

Did you send it?

…..

Hello?

Fal Asleep? lol

Ping!

An email arrives to my racing heart. He's so inquisitive! New car and a puppy! I wonder what he does for a living? Such a Gentleman, that was a whole hour of texting and he didn't even ask for nudes. I click the notification but my email won't open.

Please login to continue. I type my password “Daisy123”

Incorrect password/email combination

Please try again

Oh, is it lowercase?

******3

Please Try Again

*****3

Please Try Again

******3

Please Try Again

Ugh im so tired, I can't even type right. I'll leave it for morning

--------

MondayVegan Jessica III sleeps well in dreams of Blake, Frenchi’s and Avocados under the weight of her anti-anxiety gravity blanket. She wakes with a smile and grabs her phone eagerly.

Please Try Again

Vegan Jessica III eats her last free-range Avocado on a piece of whole-wheat gluten-free non-cruelty noGMO carboloaf. Num!

Please Try Again

Fucking Annoying!

I switch over to my work email and begin responding to CC threads as I walk to the train. I meet with my team and we plan our next meeting. We have a great plan to plan.

I get home exhausted. I am so tired. We met for three hours and planned for three more days of planning meetings about meeting plans. I log in to tinder and check my messages. Nothing. I take a xanax and go to sleep. The dishes are molding and i'm out of avocados.

Tuesday

I wake stressed and skip breakfast. I head into work and drink espresso. We meet again to discuss our plan to plan. Everything goes as planned and we adjourn. I get out of work 15 minutes early and swing by CVS Pharmacy for LaCroix and drugs.

Some freak in a fedora oggles my breasts through my oversized sweater. What is he even looking at?

“Hi, yes, prescription pickup for Vegan Jessica III. It should have been called in Monday”

“Sure thing, insurance and ID please. Have a seat, it'll be about 15 minutes”

Pharmacists are just drug baristas, change my mind. I wait 45 minutes for the man in the never-dirtied lab coat to grab a prepackaged bottle of prozac from the wall. I hand him my credit card.

“Im sorry Ma’am, your card was declined, do you have another?”

The word ‘Ma’am’ turns three of my pubic hairs grey. It makes me kind of miss that creep in the fedora surveying my body.

Are you sure? Can you try again

Yes ma’am, the card is declined. Do you have another Ma’am?

Ma’am

Can you try calling them? I left my debit at home and don't have any cash.

I glance at my Fitbit. The time is 6:01pm

Its after 6pm Ma’am, you'll have to wait till tomorrow.

I leave the CVS and the pharmacists spends the next 30 minutes placing the bottle of pills back on the shelf.

----

I go home feeling frustrated. I skip the mailbox, dishes, dustbunnies and head straight for my bed. I pull the gravity blanket over my head like a ghost and feel a little better. I eat a half a pound of CBD chocolate and feel much better.

I log into Tinder. Fucking Blake ghosted. Unmatched. Under my blanket I get scared of ghosts and eat another ¼ pound of CBD chocolate.

Wednesday

I wake feeling like shit. I don't know why. I feel stressed. I call in sick to work and take a xanax and go back to bed. I awake to a phonecall from an unknown number. Fucking spamassrobocalls. I scream FUCK YOU to 1s and 0s. There's a panic rising in my throat.

I haven't checked my personal email in days now and try to log back in. I click password recovery and an email is sent to my old college email | [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]). Ugh I can't believe I used to eat honey and drink milk with my coffee; I feel ashamed of my former self. It feels like a Sunday, but it's only wednesday.

I try to login to my old college email to recover my password for my post-college email.

I try to remember my old password

Please Try again

I try all my old combinations

Please Try again

Lockout timer 29:59..

29:58….

29:57….

Ugh I hate this shit.

Trying to recover a password to recover a password. Did I type it wrong? Was it capitalized? Am I just not remembering it right? Was the ‘I’ a “!” ?? Was there 123 at the end, or maybe beginning?

I need to set my passwords to things I can never forget. Maybe take a lesson from Sunday. Shame and Trauma seem to make for fantastic passwords.

MyFatherAbandonedOurFamilyIn1997!

That's not something im likely to forget

I spend the next 29 minutes finally doing the dishes and feel a little better.

Please Try again

Lockout timer 59:59

FUCK

I hate this shit. I click the password recovery button on my college email and a third is sent to my very first email address. [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])

I go to AOL.com and try to login

Please Try again

It feels like im opening those Russian Dolls. Every time I open one, another is there. The Russian Nesting Dolls of Digital Frustration. Please Try Again Later.

Recover the password

to recover the password

Please Try Again

I channel my frustration and hit the gym. Pilates class with Pontious. I stop on the way home and Scream into the Void. I feel a little better.

I check the mailbox before the stairs.

I turn the key and an avalanche spills out. Envelope after envelope, it seems unending. They just keep coming. The cascade flow dries to a dribble and I reach inside to scoop the rest of my mail out.

My arms are full of dead trees and I feel sad. Plus its like super heavy after an hour of cross planking. I ascend the stairs and unlock the door with my keys in my mouth. I push the door open with my forehead and dump the heavy mess of envelopes and magazines on the floor.

A Victoria Secret catalogue catches my eye. I make a mental note of my despise for their company message and start perusing the pages. What kind of image are they putting in the heads of young girls. False standards of beauty. Where are the real women! That bra is like super cute tho. I order three in different colors but my card is declined. The bras never come, its ok tho, they wouldn't have fit me anyway.

When my card is declined I think of Blake’s rejection again. Ghosted. What an asshole. Whatever he's probably just another pig who gets off to Victoria Secret models and supports an impossible standard of beauty. I am now convinced Victoria’s real Secret is mainstream distribution of introductory pornography to young boys in suburbia. That's a big mental leap to take from subquality prethought, but I think it's important to note where some of these idolized false standards of beauty start. They start with aging young Mother’s ordering VS products and catalogs to catch renewed interest from their lazily inattentive husbands and trickledown pornoEconomics recycles the catalogs to prepubescent boys. Hidden and stolen, they are a prime middle-school currency. The image of Desire becomes fixed in pubescent development and the path upscycles again.

I throw the catalog away disgusted and pick up my copy of the much more realistic Vogue. I eat more CBD chocolate and forget to call my credit card company. I fall asleep with fragrant advertisements and two miles of photoshop-smoothed Gigi Hadid legs on my face.

Friday

It's a beautiful morning and i'm feeling rested. I don't know what happened to Thursday. We have a brief meeting about next week's meeting and are dismissed early. Summer Fridays are the best! I meet up with my besties and we dress up to impossible standards of beauty.

Thin pink straps patterned with “VS VS VS” loop my shoulders out of my strapless black dress. Clash is in. I think it looks cute even tho the bra doesn't fit well. I lace up my gladiator platform cork wedges and we head out for a night of dancing.

I dance next to my ugliest friend and bask in double attention.

Buy you a Drink?

Wanna Dance?

Ever Ride a Motorcycle?

All eyes on me. I dance and twirl and snort the night away. This cocaine is fantastic. My credit card still doesn't work so I have boys buy me drinks. I black out a bit and wake up in my Uber home. Its light out and the birds won't shut up about the stupid sun. My heart is beating arhythmically and I feel weird. A feeling of impending doom is brewing and it makes me feel weirder - it's not even Sunday.

I sober up a bit, but can't sleep. I decide to finish the vial of cocaine I took from that boy and do some housekeeping.

I take the trash out and open my computer. I feel inspired to clean and conquer.

I will recover my password!

I see a button for ‘alternate recovery options’ on my ancient @aol email and click

A series of questions challenge my identity

“Date of Birth”

August 24th, 1990

“What was the name of your first Pet?”

Daisy

“What was the name of your 1st grade English Teacher?

Mr. Gardner

“What City Were you Born in?”

Auburn

“What was the Make and Model of your First Car?”

1994 Black Honda Civic

And just like that I'm in! I recover my password and recover my password and recover my password.

The russian dolls reassemble and my anxiety plummets

--------

----

---

Until I open Gmail to a Nightmare

The realization grips me. The Saturday Scaries are Real. I spring to the 4 foot foyer of my apartment where the non-fashion-catalog remainder of my mail avalanche sits piled like rubble.

I rifle through envelopes and cut my finger. It really stings. I suckle a droplet of blood and read the envelopes

Bills. Bills of all kinds. Bills of all shapes and sizes. Bills Not mine, but mine. An acre of rainforest in bills.

My iphone rings and my phone wont open. Panic Panic Panic. Saturday Scaries. I pull my bleeding finger from my mouth and the iphone recognizes my face. I answer the call

“Ma’am i'm calling from TransUnion Credit Reporting, we've seen some unusual activity on your report this week, can you confirm opening the following 227 Credit Cards on Sunday between the hours of 11pm and 4am Monday Morning?”

(This phone call 97% actually happened)

My vision spots and I hit the floor.

___

I awake Sunday. My head is throbbing and my finger hurts. I look at the papercut and it stares back with green eyes. It smells like Almond Butter, but the gross GMO kind. I put CBD oil on it and leave the house.

I head to the hospital, but my credit card is declined. My finger is green to the knuckle and it definitely feels like a Sunday.

I head home and curl up in my bed. With my green arm I pull the gravity blanket over my head and cry. I fall asleep feeling scared and not safe.

I wake to pain. The green has spread throughout my whole body. I feel weak. I need to go to work. So many emails.

I feel The DOOM

I try to lift the gravity blanket, but I am weak and it is too heavy.

The longer I stay, the weaker I become. Days pass and I miss meeting after meeting. I sweat profusely trapped inside a cocoon of anxiety. Unseen emails pile up and add to the weight. My phone is out of battery and I can't reach past the blanket for my charger. I need water. I really need water.

I feel The DOOM

I think of blood poisoning and my plummeting credit scoreThe Chrysalis hardens to reject the outside world

It becomes my Tomb. I feel safe here.

Immune to Anxiety

No emails, no meetings.

The DOOM fades to black and so do I.

submitted by /u/Beerandcabfare [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2QcBhf7

#Blogger #Story

0 notes