#once i called one “radical jim” and he chased me for a few minutes

[starsnumber1charliefan]

How dare you 😡

Exer is pointy

Not NO.

It's yes, stars.

Get it right

;)

british scum

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

10-08-19 (Tuesday)

God things were different back then. I don't miss it. It was awful. But some part of me still feels like I'm chasing it. Like maybe I belonged there. In that time. In that situation. Fucked up as it was... I felt more equipped to deal with it.

I realize that's the trauma. It's the realization that the coping skills I'd developed for over two decades are no longer applicable and grasping in vain at the past because it was what I knew.

Because I understood how to navigate that situation. And I... find myself more and more looking back at my early involvement with TSA as the source of that feeling. There's one moment that sticks out in my mind.

Youth Group still met at the YWCA and it was within a year of my joining. This one group that usually came together. Billy, Fatalany, and Mitchell (now called Maya). They all left to go to their car and some old dude drove by in his car and threatened them and called them faggots and they ran back inside. I was ready to bust heads. I was so new at it and I didn't realize the danger I could be in. And everyone looked at me like I was crazy. It was commonly accepted you just felt grateful to be alive and moved on, remembered their face, and kept going.

In that moment, I felt helpless. I couldn't save them. I had to leave the room and go to the bathroom and rage. I had to let it out.

When I got back out, they'd gotten to their car safe and left. But I remember feeling... So broken. It was like a wave of realization hit me. My life was changing. I was less safe.

And then... At last year's TDOR, I saw Elliot staring at the candles. And he was crying. He was having that same moment. It just didn't manifest as rage so much for him. There was definitely anger in his voice as he described his emotions but... he just looked so dejected. He was realizing the long hard road before him. Like I had. Ever since then, I have tried to send upbeat trans memes to the ever-dying group chat, hoping he'll find something good in that.

I wonder if that's what my face looked like. Defeated.

Elliot is a strong kid and I really hate that he and other queer and trans kids will have to go through these things. I hate it. But right now... It's a thing I cannot change for them.

I also just... Everything was far more underground feeling if that makes sense. Like, it... Wasn't as advertised for a long time. There were no news spotlights about our events. Good or bad. And... A core group of the time would show up. People would come and go but I would just sit there watching, never leaving. Always there. Sometimes people would move away. Sometimes they'd feud with the group. And sometimes... They died. And left their books to TSA. I still have a copy of the celluloid closet I have thusfar refused to read. It's too much. I can't.

There's this rich history of queerness in America. And we all know it. We queers know our history. But like many, ours is a story told orally. Very few written records exist of the early days of consistent uprising. Because you could get thrown in jail and that'd be proof of your homosexuality.

I know a fair bit of Evansville's (and the surrounding area's) history. But mostly a couple years before I joined (joined 2008) onward. I know there was a bar called Equals in Owensboro a few years back. Couldn't tell you when it closed but it was before my parents booted me(2013) but after I'd graduated high school (early 2010). Used to see ads for it in the newsletter. Never went. Was never old enough and it was in Owensboro. Went to Brickhouse once before it shut down. With Jessi. Ran into Jake Svetska. Hadn't seen him in years. Jake wasn't the brightest bulb in the box but deep down, he was a good guy. Josh on the other hand... Manipulative and kind of shithead in general. But dumb as a box if rocks. They dated for like a week before Josh upped the cling to maximum overload and Jake was like "Um, no."

Josh is "engaged" nowadays. And he's actually been engaged for years as opposed to how he used to declare he and a guy engaged and then they'd break up after like a minute of that because he hadn't even proposed and we were all like 15 - 18 year olds. He and Randy (Randi at the time) would go through twelve people a day between the two of them it seemed. Randy would find a new girl and have her calling him all kinds of names before he'd basically dump all his shit to be an ass to her. And then act like this had never happened twenty thousand times before and that she was crazy. He was a control freak and honestly probably abusive. Idk.

And Caitlin. Heard she is doing well. Can't remember if she moved away or not. Eliot (not Elliot) is doing great things. Super proud of him. Does a lot of radical work.

Katie... She's... An ex-gay therapy advocate. And works with Eren. One day she stopped coming and I asked eventually and was told "She has a boyfriend. She's saying she's not gay now. We're leaving it alone." Learned later that her parents forced her into it. College tuition or be a gay. Saddest thing too. She was a nice person. I hope one day she can unlearn all that and be happy.

Emily is still around and is still a waitress. She and Kris broke up a couple years back but are still close friends. Emily is poly anyway so she probs saw no real need to be bitter. I don't think Kris was really cut out for being poly/with someone who's poly. And that's fair and Emily is smart enough to understand that (Honestly believe she's super smart.)

Jim has severe health issues and will probably die within the next five years.

Eddie is still with the same guy he no longer loves.

Mark is still a flaming garbage can who thinks he's better than everyone and has this deep fetish for british culture as if it's superior (which he has explicitly stated btw)

Paul... Still creeps me out. Like he's been a dick to me before. But like... He creeps me out and I am not entirely sure why.

There were more. But... I'm not sure the others were really worth getting into. Those were the ones I knew best.

Zed is still around clearly. Working for the city. But... They... Things were weird back in the day. We kinda hated each other. Like a lot. We were absolutely awful to each other and idk how we ended up friends but it's definitely Grover and the fact that we were both fighting against Wally together.

I don't need to tell you all about what's happened on Wally's front lol.

Michael moved away and Married Ricky. Always hated Michael. He was such a self-important ass with no concept of the idea that throwing perfectly good things out was wasteful and taking things home that would otherwise be in the trash is not greedy. Ricky was chill though.

Gabriel overdosed too much and has seizures now.

There were a few more but I'm blanking on them.

Things are different. I'm... Still expecting things to suddenly go back. Like... One day I'll wake up in my parent's house. In my bed. And it'll be 2011. And I'll have my coping mechanisms set to what they can do to help me. Which... I don't truly want that. My life really sucks sometimes but there are some very good moments, too. And... Idk. If that did happen, I think I'd just get off my parent's insurance, get into ECHO and pay out of pocket (I would still have money in bonds) and wait. For Sara. Or maybe I'd just go find her outside of ECHO. Idk. Something. Drop out of school if I even started yet. Get a place, apply for SSI. But... Idk that's all just what ifs. I don't have those what ifs. I have now. And here. And idk. I think I needed to get all that out.