#once again sorry for the oversharing. but if d.np can do it so can i

[dan-whoell]

i'm interested by LOST LETTERS TO PAST LOVES because it's the only title in all caps. what's up with that?

that is a personal one i started at the beginning of this month and it was supposed to be exactly that, letters written to past loves/ people who made an impact on my sexuality/gender journey. i've had a lot of experiences that stick out as turning points, and i wanted to document how those experiences shaped me by addressing the people who were involved. the intention was to post it this month but i never ended up finishing it because as i went on i just got angrier and angrier at the way it all turned out.

Dear four, I hope you know it fucked me up when you told me you were over it. They cut that shit out real quick. Oh, okay. You stopped being safe for me. Truthfully, I brought it up because I wanted to fucking talk about it. I thought you understood. One of two people in my life I’d ever talked to about my gender, and you dismissed it. All of the openly queer people I was surrounded by, I thought you understood me the best. I picture the distaste in your expression. I hear a door closing. I knew then that you wouldn’t like me anymore, if I was honest with you. First, you wouldn’t believe me because you'd say I wasn’t ‘doing enough’ (I’m still not, and I’m not blaming you but I see you still. I hear you still.) You’d like me less anyway. For being dramatic, or complicated, or whatever word meant you could fuck me but our friendship wouldn’t be the same. Later that night when we had sex in the backseat of my car, I said the words and I made the noises, but I was thinking about how much I didn’t like you either.

the all caps was because it was supposed to be a collection? im fully not sure my thinking on that. i should go back and finish these but whenever i try it ends up devolving into anger.