#once again i understand everyone comes from different backgrounds and college is a unique experience for everyone whether university or cc

[steviescrystals]

i will never shut up about how much i hate the college system in the us and the way it’s all about money because i genuinely love learning and i miss being in school so fucking bad but i simply cannot afford the education i want

[twdormleaderswap]

The Switch (A Short Story)

     Within the Alchemy Room, a single student was preparing a new drug for Crewel's latest assignment. As they turned to grab another ingredient, they unconsciously knocked over one of the other bottles on the table. When the student came back to the cauldron, they didn't notice the spilled bottle. Regardless, they continue to experiment and add new ingredients. Once they added the final component, there was an explosion, and the student was sent to the ground momentarily. When they got up, they took the explosion as a sign to stop for the day. They cleaned up everything and quickly left the room. Little did they know that the failed drug the student tried to make became a spell.

     The following day, everything seemed fine. The students were attending classes, no one was saying anything about an explosion, and Alchemy classes were fine. That is until the dorm leaders were abruptly pulled out of classes to meet in the headmaster in his office.

"What is going on, headmaster?" Riddle asked.

"Yeah, what is going on? This is a real pain." Leona yawned. Headmaster Dire Crowley looked up at the prefects.

"There was an incident yesterday with alchemy. A student was making a drug for Professor Crewel's class, and the process of making the drug turned into a spell."

"But how does that concern us?" Vil asked, trying not to give an attitude. Crowley stood up from his chair.

"If you would please follow me, I'll show you." Crowley begins to walk out the door. The prefects look at each other in confusion before following the headmaster. They travel through the hallways to reach the Mirror Chamber. Crowley stepped up to the Magic Mirror. "Mirror of Darkness, tell us what has happened." The face of the mirror appears in the glass.

"A change has occurred. You are not where you belong."

"What do you mean by 'we're not where we belong?'" Kalim asked curiously, not fully understanding the situation or the mirror's words.

"You are not in the dorms where you belong. You are to go to your new dorms at once." The dorm leaders' mouths were ajar. Riddle was outraged.

"That's impossible! You were the one to place us in the dorms we're currently in. Now you're saying we belong elsewhere?!"

"The shapes of your souls have shifted."

"I see now," Azul smiled, "this incident yesterday was a spell that changed the 'shapes of our souls' somehow. Because of that, we are to go to different dorms."

"That is correct," Crowley confirmed.

"What I don't understand," Kalim interrupted, "was why we were the only ones affected."

"It's simple," Malleus answered, "we're the dorm leaders. We were chosen for having powerful magic. The spell seems to have only affected those with superior magical abilities." Crowley nodded.

"That seems to be the case." He turns back to the mirror. "Mirror of Darkness, please tell the dorm leaders their new assignments." The Magic Mirror responds to Crowley's request and lists the new housing assignments. Everyone began to panic.

"UNACCEPTABLE!" Vil shouted. "I will NOT be going THERE!

"You think you have it bad," Idia cut in "I have to go to-"

"What am I going to do about the Mostro Lounge?" Azul interrupted. "It's Octavinelle property."

"What about Heartslabyul?! There's no way he can run it properly!"

"I can't imagine how you're going to break up the constant fights," Leona said as he looked over at the new dorm leader of Savanaclaw.

"Oh SHUT UP! I don't want to hear it!"

"What's the big deal? This sounds like a lot of fun!" Kalim smiles.

"You do realize the severity of the situation we're in, right?" Malleus looked at the younger dorm leader. "The situation you will now be in."

"Sure I do."

"Everyone, please. Calm yourselves." Crowley broke everyone up. "Tomorrow, we will hold an announcement ceremony for your new dorms," Crowley tells them that they are to come to the Mirror Chamber early and wear their ceremony robes a new way, much to Riddle and Vil's dismay. "Tonight, you must pack your personal belongings and get ready to move dorms after classes tomorrow."

"Yes, Headmaster."

     The prefects return to classes after their quick meeting. That night, they begin to pack their things and get ready to move. All of the students received an announcement about a last-minute assembly. Afternoon classes were canceled so that the assembly could be held. On the day of the assembly, the students wore their Ceremonial Robes to morning classes. Once it was time for the ceremony, all of the students gathered in the Mirror Chamber. Once they entered the room, what was most noticeable was the fact that Idia was there in person and that Malleus Draconia was there when he wasn't even at the Opening Ceremony. Another thing that was noticed was the way the dorm leaders wore their Ceremonial Robes. They only wore the outer robe, but their dorm uniforms were noticeably seen underneath.

"Welcome, students of Night Raven College. I apologize for the sudden assembly, but there has been an incident two days ago regarding an accident with alchemy. A spell was accidentally cast and there has been a change of dorm assignments." The students looked at each other and began to whisper to each other. "Because of that, there will be a change in dorm leaders." The students began to talk out of confusion.

"A change in dorm leaders?"

"What does that mean?"

"Are new students becoming dorm leaders?" Crowley gathered everyone's attention again.

"To clarify, there will be a switch in dorm leaders. Boys, please step forward." The dorm leaders stepped toward the audience. They proceeded to remove their outer robes to reveal their current dorm uniforms. "The new Dorm Leader of Heartslabyul, Leona Kingscholar!" With magic, Leona's uniform changed from rough leather to gentle cloth with a flowing cape.

"This is such a pain." Ace and Deuce were SHOCKED to see this outcome, Cater was trying not to pull out his phone to snap a picture that moment, and Trey was surprised to see Leona as the new dorm leader when someone like Azul or Malleus would be more fitting. With Leona's reputation, it was safe to say that lots of Heartslabyul students were relieved to have a laid back dorm leader, but some were concerned. Meanwhile, Jack was keeping Ruggie from laughing out loud.

"The new Dorm Leader of Savanaclaw, Vil Schoenheit!" Vil's long Pomefiore robes transformed into a leather jacket with a fang necklace.

"I can't believe this...To think I'd ever go to those Drylands" Vil mumbled to himself. Rook was very intrigued by this new arrangement, and Epel was both appalled and incredibly jealous of Vil suddenly being placed in Savanaclaw. Amongst the protests of Savanaclaw tenants, Ruggie finally got to laugh out loud while Jack worried about his old neighbor.

"The new Dorm Leader of Octavinelle, Idia Shroud." Idia's cyberpunk uniform changed to a black suit, rather messily worn.

"I don't think I can do this..." Idia sighed. Not only is he moving dorms, Azul told him that he'd now have to manage Mostro Lounge. Floyd was snickering in the background and so was Jade. Guess they have their work cut out for them from now on. As for Ortho, he was sad to see his brother go, but he saw this as a good thing for Idia. He always wanted his brother to get out of his room and socialize, so this works perfectly.

"The new dorm Leader of Scarabia, Malleus Draconia!" Malleus closed his eyes as his military dorm uniform transformed into the Scarabia uniform. Malleus didn't say anything, but others did.

"Did he just say THE Malleus Draconia is going to be our dorm leader?"

"This is scary?"

"I want Kalim back." Jamil didn't even know what this assembly was about. Why didn't that idiot tell him that they were suddenly switching dorm leaders?! Meanwhile, Sebek had the same reaction as Jamil. Silver and Lilia were oddly calm about the situation.

"The new Dorm Leader of Pomefiore, Riddle Rosehearts!" Riddle's white and red uniform was switched for the Pomefiore robes. He wore Vil's stiletto heels though.

"I promise to uphold Vil's expectations to the best of my abilities." Rook smiled, finding the new dorm leader quite interesting. Epel was a little worried since Riddle is a strict dorm leader when it comes to rules. Not to mention, his automatic punishment is his unique magic. Well, at least Riddle won't treat him like a doll. This time, Ace couldn't hold back his laughter as Deuce was trying to tell him to stop. Trey breathed a sigh of relief, relieved to know Riddle will be alright in Pomefiore. It could have been worse.

"The new Dorm Leader of Ignihyde, Azul Ashengrotto!" Azul's classy suit was switched out for one that was much more digital inspired.

"It will be a pleasure to work with you all."

"Azul Ashengrotto? The leader-er, previous leader of Octavinelle?"

"I hear he makes unfair contracts with other students."

"Those who don't fulfill their end of the bargain are sentenced to servitude until graduation." Idia was a little relieved once he found out Azul would be leading Ignihyde. He knows Azul is very intelligent and can manage his dorm. He'll learn how to work with technology quickly. Ortho smiled, excited at the thought of having a new friend who isn't always locked away in their room working on projects. Meanwhile, Floyd hoped that Azul wouldn't become a huge nerd as Jade smiled at the situation.

"Finally, the new Dorm Leader of Diasomnia, Kalim Al-Asim!" Kalim smiled and spun around as his Scarabia robes were transformed into his own version of the Diasomnia uniform.

"I'm Kalim Al-Asim. I'll be in your care! Er, I guess, you'll be in my care! I hope we can all get along!" Nobody from Diasomnia physically reacted, but they were rather disappointed. Kalim's fun party reputation doesn't impress them at all. Meanwhile, Jamil is scared out of his life. Kalim is going to Diasomnia, the dorm of powerful mages. He worried if Kalim was going to be ok and hoped that no one would hurt him since Jamil won't be there to protect him. Lilia smiled at the thought of someone so fun joining Diasomnia since everyone is a stick in the mud. Sebek did not trust Kalim to lead Diasomnia as Malleus did, and Silver had no care about the new arrangement.

     Crowley proceeded to say how he will try his best to find the student who caused this and punish them accordingly. The staff will work together to find a way to reverse the spell. Until the situation has been resolved, the dorm leaders shall continue their positions in their new homes. The dorm leaders put their outer robes back on as Crowley magically summons the belongings of the dorm prefects. He orders everyone to follow their new leaders to the Hall of Mirrors. Things were going to be very interesting from now on.

[fourdaysofrain]

Self-Made Man

Summary: A Trans!Tony Stark AU. 

(Lengthy, personal author’s note below the cut, if you’re interested.)

Natasha Marie Stark was born twelve minutes before midnight on May 29th, 1970. She weighed a healthy seven pounds and two ounces when she arrived. She was the most beautiful thing that either of her parents had ever seen. And she was screaming loud enough to scare the pigeons from the trees outside.

Read on AO3

Well, hey everyone. It’s been a handful of months since I’ve been on here. I want to apologize for being gone, but that feels kind of phony. I don’t know. I missed this, though. I can tell you that much. I still checked my notifications every once in a while. It made me really glad to see people still commenting on my fics or passing my links around. Love y’all. 

I guess it’s about time that I tell you that I’m trans. I have been this whole time. To answer a few quick questions, I first knew sometime in late high school, but it was always kind of in the background my whole life, I just didn’t know how to isolate the feeling. I started socially transitioning (i.e. dressing male, coming out, going by he/him) after my high school graduation, and I started HRT (Horomone replacement therapy, that means I inject myself with testosterone weekly. .33mL subcutaneously into my tummy, if you’re curious) on Oct. 12, 2018. So it’s been almost two years since, and I’ve been completely passing as a man for quite a while. Ass-crack hair, sweat, and all. 

This is a pretty personal fic for me, given the nature of it. I’ve wanted to write it for a long time, and I’ve actually had words in the Google Doc since January. It took a lot of long nights to write. It helped that I was back home. I always have an easier time tapping into Trans Emotions when I’m in my home town, for better or for worse. All the memories and relationships I formed pre-transition follow me like ghosts. 

I’m leaving for college in two days, conversationally. 

I see a lot of trans!Peter Parker fics. I’m not dissing them, I love them to bits. But it makes me wonder why fandom is so quick to headcanon Peter as trans instead of one of the other characters. He’s petite, has a higher voice, and has softer features than the other male cast members. I feel like those attributes definitely play a role. It can be easy to see trans men as “uwu soft bois”, or as Men Lite, or as a more palatable version of “normal” (that is to say, cis) men. Those ideas are often flawed and based on transphobic foundations. The reality is, trans men (and by extension, all trans people) have the ability to be indiscernible from their cis counterparts. Everyone likes to think they can pick trans people out from a crowd, but you’d be surprised how quickly I started being read as male. Androcentrism for the win, I guess. 

I won’t be entirely pessimistic. I understand that people my age project onto Peter (I am by no means exempt from that), and that there’s a greater number of young trans people than old, due to a series of depressing reasons. But I still wanted to try a different take on a trans character. 

My experience as a trans man is vastly different than the one I write about here. If anything, I’m closer to fandom’s idea of trans!Peter. My parents were accepting, I had the financial and social means to transition relatively early, and I can fly under the radar easily. The most important difference is the time period. 

I don’t know a lot about the trans experience of the 80s and 90s, which is what Tony would have gone through. I know of one single trans man who began his transition back then, one of the gender studies professors at my university. Even then, he’s from Canada, which I’m assuming has an entirely different culture around trans lives. There aren’t many older trans men. It’s depressing. There’s a lot of reasons for this. I don’t want to get too deep into them, because it only makes me feel sad. The final scene in this fic is extremely self-indulgent with regards to this. I wrote what I needed to hear. 

That’s not to say I don’t relate at all to what I wrote. There are themes that are almost universal for the trans experience. I hope you can parse those out here.

I also wanted to talk about how I showed the change from “Natasha” to Tony. In the early stages of this fic’s development, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to openly say Tony’s deadname (the name trans people are given at birth, and often, but not 100% of the time, change as a part of their transition), but I soon realized that it would make the story much clearer with the inclusion of it. If you’re wondering, I got the name from Earth-3490, where Tony is born a woman (and marries Steve, lol). I chose to show the change between the two with the use of past tense for the first half of the fic, and switching to present for Tony’s life. Often times, it feels like that when you transition. You start living in present tense. 

I also want to make it clear that transitioning isn’t as simple as shown here. From the beginning of mapping out this fic, I was stressed about “Oh, how will he be able to graduate as Tony if he doesn’t start transitioning until after he gets to college,” and “How will Howard react to him coming out?” and “How will he have a playboy persona if he isn’t able to have sex with someone without them knowing?” and a zillion other ideas. It was very freeing for me to let go of some of these obstacles and leave it up to the reader to decide. I alluded to some of the solutions that I came up with, but for the most part, I glossed over the paperwork and bureaucracy aspect to transitioning. But in real life, there are countless red tapes you have to cut for even the simplest of actions. I went to the state court to change my name and sex in March of 2019, and I still have cards in my wallet with my deadname. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon for top surgery (the colloquial name for the double mastectomy that trans men often go through to masculinize their chests. If you’re wondering, genital reconstruction surgery is normally called bottom surgery to mirror this) last December, and I still don’t have a date set. It took me a few months to start T, and I only got it so easily because I went through my unviersity, which does informed consent. Some places have to have proof of 6 months of social transitioning and a letter from a therapist. There is a lot of medical gate keeping in the trans community. I don’t know what I would have done had my parents not been accepting enough to help me through the processes. I am extremely thankful for their support. 

But it’s a lot easier to write about transition happening smoothly. Money helps, which I don’t touch on a lot in this fic, but oh my God, does money help. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford my ~$20 a month T prescription (which I will be taking until the end of my days, likely), and I’m in the process of saving for top surgery. Thankfully with Tony, I can just presto most of the problems away because he’s canonically a billionaire. Eat the rich, folks.

There’s also the intersection with race that is very impactful for trans people, as it is for everyone. Both Tony and I are white, which gives us societal privileges that trans people of color don’t have access to. As well as the fact that transitioning from female to male is a much different experience than transitioning from male to female. We don’t experience trans misogyny, which is a special kind of misogyny specifically related to trans women. (Think of old sitcoms where the joke is that it’s a man dressed in women’s clothing, and that’s what makes it funny. That’s a fairly tame example of trans misogyny. It gets ugly fast.) 

I’m veering dangerously off-topic, but it’s important to talk about. It’s easy for white trans people (and LGBT people as a whole, I suppose) to distance themselves from talking about white privilege or male privilege because they aren’t straight and/or cis. But it’s important to recognize that while we may face unique oppression, we also still benefit from historical white supremacist and patriarchal structures present today in society. 

Sorry, not sorry for getting political. And if I haven’t said it on here, Black lives matter. Of course. 

If you end up having trans-related questions, I want to be a resource for you. Seriously, I’m narcissistic and love talking about myself I don’t mind helping you understand the trans experience. I can’t promise that I know everything, but I also have my own group of trans friends who might know what I don’t, and we can learn together. 

Again, love y’all. Thank you for the continued support you give me. I can’t promise that I’ll go back to my normal level of activity on here, but I might dip my feet back in the pool. <3

[3rdgymbros]

𝓑𝓲𝓸𝓰𝓻𝓪𝓹𝓱𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓵 𝓘𝓷𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

Name: Ruby Corentin

Nicknames: Munchkin

Name meaning: Ruby is a predominantly feminine given name taken from the name of the gemstone ruby. The name of the gemstone comes from the Latin ruber, meaning red. Corentin means "hurricane" in Breton.

Gender: Female

Birthday: 25 August

Star Sign: Virgo

Height: 150 cm

Weight: 44 kg

Age: ?

Eye Colour: Blue

Hair Colour: Red

Homeland: Munchkin Land

Family: None.

Quote: “Ordinary? I’ve never been an ordinary girl. I do bleed, but the pain goes away fast; how can anything like that be called ordinary?”

𝓝𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓡𝓪𝓿𝓮𝓷 𝓒𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓮𝓰𝓮 𝓢𝓬𝓱𝓸𝓸𝓵 𝓕𝓲𝓵𝓮

Dorm: Oznitus ( a fandorm created by @gtfolingling​ )

School Year: First 

Class: 1-C ; Student no. 17

Occupation: Student

Club: Horseback Riding Club

Best Subject: Practical Magic

Special Skill: Getting into trouble, getting out of trouble, lock-picking

𝓕𝓾𝓷 𝓕𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓼

Inspired by: The ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz

Dominant hand: Right

Favourite Colours: Red, silver, gold

Favourite Food: Junk foods, desserts

Least Favourite Food: Bland food, vegetables

Likes: Fashion, window shopping, vintage designs, thrift shops, museums, libraries, starry nights, cafes, high places

Dislikes: Being cooped up, boredom, people trying to control her, needles, hospitals, small spaces, the smell of incense

Hobbies and Talents: Exploring, horse-riding, trying new things, cafe-hopping, looking for fun things to do, hanging out with friends

𝓟𝓱𝔂𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓵 𝓕𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓮𝓼

Appearance: Despite her status, she takes on the appearance of a young girl. She has pale skin, and long red hair styled loosely after a hime cut; heavy bangs frame her face, with straightened forelocks that reach her chin. Part of her hair has been gathered into a braid, but otherwise hangs free to her waist. A black hair ribbon also adorns her hair.

Style: A very trendy girl, her casual outfits reflect her taste in fashion as well, and are reminiscent of Korean street fashion, with a feminine touch. Examples can be found here and here. It should be noted that whatever outfit she wears, she will always be found wearing a pair of red shoes.

Makeup: Goes barefaced, except for a dab of pale pink lipgloss.

Body type: Slim of waist, and slight of frame, with an average-sized chest.

𝓥𝓸𝓬𝓪𝓵𝓼

Voice actress: Nakashima Yuki ( Samples of her vocals can be found here and here. )

𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪

Personality: Cheerful and high-spirited, Ruby is a playful, active and generally positive girl who always finds something to be excited or passionate about. She easily makes friends and gets along with everyone, regardless of their personality. She can be a rather chaotic individual, as she’s always searching for something fun to do, and is very easily caught up in trouble. She is also extremely curious and easily amazed, charmed by new things she discovers in the world around her.

She can be blunt sometimes, throwing out barbed remarks when annoyed and pushed past her limits; this most likely happens when someone insults her dorm and her friends. She also has no qualms with chiding or insulting someone if she feels that they are underperforming, or if they are not meeting her standards. However, if asked to, or if the person in question looks particularly upset, Ruby will apologise. 

During the rare times that she engages in battle, Ruby is brutal, and she seems almost like a different, darker, person. She becomes sadistic and cold-hearted, going berserk and destroying everything and everyone in her path. A smile will play upon her face as she toys with her opponent, her laughter ringing out high and clear over the sounds of battle. It should be noted that hearing Theo Westcott’s voice is able to snap her out of her bloodlust in battle.

Alignment: Neutral Good

Strengths: Curious, loyal, optimistic, honest, brave, determined, energetic, playful, high-spirited, affectionate

Flaws: Reckless, impulsive, little regard for her own safety, blunt, sadistic in battle, sharp-tongued, has trouble understanding people at times

𝓟𝓪𝓼𝓽

An immortal being, originally from Munchkin land, Ruby was worshipped by a coven of dark witches as their deity and her powers used to solidify their control over the land. Ruby would grow up in a sheltered environment; everything she wanted was given to her, but she was essentially imprisoned in the house and in her room, looking longingly upon the outside world, wishing to experience life as she knew it. 

This changed when the coven was overthrown; Ruby would then be transferred into the care of a coven of good witches, who would then raise her as their own, acting as her guardians, teaching her magic spells and social etiquette. Ruby would be later sent to Night Raven College to keep her safe from the other dark witches, who wish to use her for their own nefarious purposes once again, and so that she would be able to have a somewhat normal life. 

However, Ruby has only a vague memory of her time as a deity; she only remembers bars on the walls of her room, along with the smell of incense. 

𝓢𝓹𝓮𝓵𝓵𝓼

Ruby has an immense amount of magical power, although she very rarely fights, and even more rarely, fights to her fullest capacity. She is fond of using her magic to manipulate crystals. Mages use crystal magic for its defensive power, creating walls with high resistance, and its offensive power, creating large crystal pillars to injure opponents.

Crystal Flowers: Upon casting the spell, a series of sharp crystals rise from the ground, forming the shape of a flower. The crystal is sharp enough to easily cut through the user's targets. Additionally, the user can summon the crystals in any location they desire. Due to the sheer size of the spell, the user can attack multiple targets at once.

Crystal Shield: A crystal barrier is manifested, protecting the caster from harm.

Unique Magic: There’s No Place Like Home. When this magic is activated, the user can manipulate space by creating portals. In battle, it can be used to return attacks back to an opponent, to move allies into advantageous positions, and to warp enemies out of battle or into attacks.

𝓡𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓹𝓼

Theos Westcott (gtfolingling): Ruby is completely undeterred by his reputation and powers, seeing him as her dorm head and a good friend as well. Her smiles come free and easy when she’s around him, and she tries to rope him into joining in the activities and fun, inviting him along to partake in her mischief. Ruby will even listen to his muttering, nodding along, and adding her own input whenever she can. On nights that she has trouble sleeping, Ruby will pad out of her room to see if Theo is awake and gaming; if he is, she’ll plop down beside him with a yawn and keep him company into the early hours of the morning.

Evett Easten (gtfolingling): Ruby sees him as an older brother figure of sorts, pouting when he tells her to stop fooling around. Outwardly, she’ll claim that his nagging is annoying, but she inwardly finds herself relishing in the attention, and the feeling of being cared for and looked out for. She often comes to him to request help for household chores, or to ask him questions about the school, and humans in general. She’s also learned a few curse words, thanks to being around him for lengthy periods of time, though she doesn’t use vulgarities as frequently as he does.

Mika Norwurde (gtfolingling): She enjoys accompanying him on his pranks, and often partakes in the chaos that he creates, laughing right along as she watches the situation. Ruby finds it easy to get pulled along into his pace, and considers him a good friend, along with a partner in crime. Many of his videos and pictures feature her, either in the background or as the main attraction.

Primrose Ochre (toadodoki): Seeing as how they both hail from the same land, it is inevitable that Prim has heard rumours about Ruby. Ruby, however, has no memory of her time with the dark coven, and can’t quite understand why her dorm mate is so wary of her, though she does her best to befriend Prim, being quite persistent when she wants to be. Ruby also does her best to watch out for Prim, and is all too eager to fight in her place, or stand up for her if need be, knowing how unassertive she can be.

Madoc Vandris (xvi-jumper): She finds herself being unable to relate to his family struggles, but at the same time, a small part of her finds herself sympathetic and understanding. His calm presence might even rub off on Ruby, who is practically a ball of energy at the best of times. She would also probably enjoy watching him use his magic, and watching him bring objects to life.

Lilia Vanrouge: She feels a sense of familiarity with him, but can’t fathom why; though, unbeknownst to her, Lilia has seen her before as well, during her days as a deity. She finds his company pleasant enough and can be seen in the Diasomnia dorm with him, as they talk late into the night.

Malleus Draconia: The most powerful mage in the school, this fact has not escaped Ruby, who is eager to pit her powers against his. Other than that, she is on rather good terms with him, considering how often she visits the Diasomnia dorm.

𝓣𝓻𝓲𝓿𝓲𝓪

Much like Lilia, there are pictures of her in the history textbook; although she looks wildly different. Her eyes are dark and sad, and she seems a lifeless doll, dressed in gold silks trimmed with lace, and her hair pulled back into an elaborate knot at the base of her neck.

Her most prized possession is the black ribbon she’s always seen with. She promised that she would be good whenever she wears the ribbon, and, as such, takes it off before embarking on mischief.

She has the ability to convince people into doing things by using her cute “puppy dog eyes”.

She is also bad at doing household chores and cooking.

She is also bad at doing household chores and cooking, although she claims that Lilia has been teaching her how to cook.

She likes collecting hair ribbons, even if she doesn’t wear all of them. 

Her shoes are all in varying shades of red.

She is afraid of ghosts.

She enjoys leaping from rooftop to rooftop. Her body is also very flexible, and she is capable of doing somersaults and backflips with ease.

Due to her immortal status, she places little concern on her own welfare, seeing as how she can heal quickly. That being said, she has no qualms about using her own body as a shield if need be.

Theos and Evett both call her ‘Munchkin’, to which Ruby responds with puffed cheeks, and an angry pout.

The nickname has started spreading around the school, much to Ruby’s dismay. However, she absolutely refuses to answer when other people call her that. Her other nickname is “The Smiling Monster”, owing to how she always smiles, even in the thick of battle.

She has trouble sleeping at night; she can never remember her dreams, only that she wakes up frightened, on the verge of tears and drenched in sweat.

[neocityfics]

2096: Zodiac

Chapter: Intro < ❝  Prologue ❞  > Chapter One

➥ Chapter List

Genre: Cyberpunk inspired, mafia-esque, not-so dystopian, angst

Pairing: Doctor! Taeyong x Reader [Sprinkle of other pairings tbd]

Summary: 2094, the disaster happens. The richest become richer with their reddened backs turned, the people around you growing more and more tired, and a certain Dr. Lee plans to change it all. Lucas unknowingly pulls you into the frenzy, and you become part of this confusing and painful process. You catch yourself floating between the conflict of twelve gangs and a world where circuits begin replacing flesh.

Warnings: Moderate cursing, death, heavy events similar to real world situations

A/N: Throughout the writing, there’ll be links (indicated by ▶ Ambience) for a more immersive experience. These are YouTube links, so it may be difficult to switch between YouTube and Tumblr (especially for those unable to have video pop-outs on mobile), so please keep this in mind. I’m also working on a Spotify playlist. I really hope you enjoy my first published piece!

▶ Ambience

The sea of neon purples, pinks, and blues drowned out whatever background activity filled the hustling life of the city. Light harshly touches the exterior of small shops endlessly lining the streets. Though full of living people, it always seemed a bit lonely. Everyone for themselves as it had been before the disaster happened, before life became even harder and resources scarce. Half the world is gone, but for whatever reason, humans continue to persevere. This strength is a unique feat, but it comes with consequences. With the remaining 3 billion people left on Earth, only the Eurasian continent remains the only habitable land thus forcing people to squeeze in tightly. It’s like this everywhere-- tiny housing, famines, and the overgrowing hunger to hold power and wealth much as we did before. The rich stay rich, the poor stay poor.

Life’s tough in Neostone. With hundreds of thousands of people and little food, restaurants struggle to keep open with enough to sell. Fresh water sources and land were replaced with tall housing structures and corporate buildings. Most have to work two or more jobs. Education is non-existent and relies on parents teaching kids different skills through child labor. Further industrialization in the little space the planet has left led to bouts of acid rain from overworked factories. The world’s leaders morph into the same guise: ties stained with blood, suits the product of cheap labor showed off status, and their white-gloved hands tightly gripped heavy silver suitcases. Corruption still plagues the broken systems that hang over society, sustained from before the disaster happened. It seems like we’ll never learn.

Sure, it’s difficult to get by day to day without much, yet the communities outside the wealthy rich businesses were tight-knit. Everyone knows each other’s names. People often trade food scraps for little luxuries to feel any ounce of happiness. Friends hang out near street food vendors where most people are, begging for any kind of calorie. While life in Neostone is tough, the citizens depend on each other for care, not anyone from above. 

I don’t think of it much-- how different life would be if the disaster didn’t happen, if the world had never been touched by so much chaos. I knew it’d be the same, that I’d end up still struggling to get from morning to morning. Even with the big drop in population, we live as sardines squished together under a layer of plastic that suffocates us. Nothing has changed. I lost everything.

Though the neons felt like home and they were all I’ve known for the past couple of years, I do remember who I was before this all went downhill. Fresh in college with a mind set on (major(s)/minor(s)), and although uncertain of the future, I was ready to break free from family and understand what it means to live a good life. Debt would hit me hard on my head but I was certain to find ways to pay it off without burdening others. Between jobs and school, I felt like there was a purpose for my movement, for my existence, to be a small gear of a clockwork world. For three years, I managed to get stuff done and become my own separate identity. I never felt more myself for the longest time. One more year to go, I said to myself as my third year comes to a close. But fourth year never came. It happened. The start of summer into my last year in college was the best time I’ve had in my life. During an internship in Japan, I’d gotten a handle of how it was in the real world as part of the workforce. A month into the most enjoyable moments of my life came the disaster.

▶ Ambience, Ambience

I watched the television screens throughout the subway, making my way to my 9am train when the static and distortions of color accompanied the shaking ground beneath me. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing as the news shifted to an emergency alert. All of a sudden, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, building collapses, and tsunamis were destroying the western hemisphere. The disaster was inexplicable, the most spontaneous event in the history of Earth. I hid in the nearest shelter in Tokyo as realization hit how horrifying everything was. Buildings toppling left and right, people being crushed beneath the debris, splatters of fresh red on the broken bits of glass and metal heaps. That was a day of absolute terror. Within twenty-four hours, half the world was gone. My heart sank as the disasters settled throughout the world, and the news focused on the western hemisphere where I had lived most of my life. That part of the world was gone. My family and college friends were gone. 

And I was left alone in Japan.

But the world didn’t change. The same evil corporate heads enforced the same evil policies and practices. The same tired faces dragged their tired bodies until no end just to, at the bare minimum, survive. No matter what form the world took, this was our fate until we went extinct. The only thing that changed perhaps was how many of us were kept in that system, and that the system favoring the wealthy became stronger. So the cycle continues.

▶ Ambience

With the scraps of money I had left on my name and picking up little jobs, I was able to get into a micro apartment. The government was eager to take advantage of the situation and make just enough housing to keep people happy and off the streets, but also enough to ensure some people couldn’t get out of the vicious system so labor was cheap. My space is dingy at best and quite small, but it’s all the comfort I have. Not a day passes where I’m not grateful for a private place to sleep, do business, and let myself feel at ease. Others aren’t so lucky, sleeping behind their food and merchandise stalls or in the nooks and crannies of back alleys. Weeks passed into months where my body ached from overwork, the same for the people I’ve been surrounded with and worked alongside. It’s only been two years since everyone had to rebuild what’s been lost, but it looked only slightly different in Neostone where Tokyo had once been. Only the mega cities were somewhat unscathed by the disaster, and businesses collectively chipped in to remodel them. Rural and suburban areas were either flooded or full of toxic waste.

People from all races and backgrounds who survived into the aftermath of the disaster poured into the cities. I was kindly taken into the dangerous but welcoming community of downtown Neostone, where cooking and selling food in addition to helping at clinic became my new life. At the clinic, I met someone I familiarized myself with to be comfortable and close enough. Having someone around lifted up my motivation. Going by Lucas, a name he adopted to fit in with the rest of downtown Neostone, he worked assiduously the same shifts as me at Pearl Park Clinic. Besides weekends, Lucas and I leave for work together as he lives just a few rooms down in the complex. While working at the clinic down on East Row, he comes to visit for a bite at the street food stall that keeps me busy half the week. Throughout getting to know him within two years, he revealed he also lost family he was close with-- a younger brother and sister who by the sound of his stories were needy brats that he loved so much. It hurts to know they’re gone like my friends are. I was glad I could relate to him and also be someone to lean on. On a roller-coaster of life’s tests, Lucas and I know we have each other’s back.

▶ Ambience

Today was like most days, another Friday morning. The green flash of LED at 7:00am with a loud beeping, a quick splash of cold water against my face, clean clothes, and a quick bite of fruit. The same mindless routine guides me out of the door of the room and down the hall. From my room, 716, to Lucas’s room, 718, was only a few meters away thanks to the tiny size of rooms. I knock once, twice, then thrice, but no reply. Strange. I’m used to Lucas whipping the door wide open at the slightest sound of my footsteps to poke his head out and greet me loudly. Should I knock again? Call him? My hand gravitated towards the doorknob, uncertain if we’re on the kind of terms where I can barge in whenever. “Lucas,” I decide to start softly, “I’m here now, we can leave for the clinic.” No reply. Maybe I’ll text him. Unlocking my phone, a smile cracked on my face as a photo of Lucas and I hanging out with some other friends posed in front of our favorite ice cream shop flashed across the screen. No red numbered badge on the messaging app. Today feels a little bit unusual. Typically, he texts when he needs help or won’t be at work. Inhaling in, I choose to try the knob in which a turn and a push of the door unveils the dark, musky room. A room with no Lucas. Noticing the tension in my face and shoulders, I relax them and try not to think of anything bad that could happen to him. Maybe he needed to stop somewhere before going to work. Maybe he’s just out to get groceries and whatnot. Maybe he’s just busy doing something else. I trust he’ll get back to me soon, but the weird pit in my stomach bugged my thoughts.

Down the long winding halls, unlocking my phone seemed all I could do, the worry taking over. My pace quickened. It’s 8:00am, the clinic starts up at 9:00am. It’s a long walk through a rather sketchy part of downtown, but it's one I’ve mastered throughout the couple of years and certainly made friends in. Reaching the staircase, my breath was noticeably shallower. This was always the worst part. It took much time and energy just to get to the first floor. Upon stepping into the lobby, I swiftly pick up an umbrella from the community box set near the entrance and begin my path out. The clerk at the counter peaks over his rather raunchy motorcycle magazine, riddled with messy yellow text, and he subtly waves at me. I send the gesture back, taking my leave from the complex. Rain besets Neostone often, the overcast weather permitting low fog and grey clouds to lurk the bubble that is downtown. Chatter and noise blend together from all sides with the rushing waters eagerly greeting storm drains and early risers setting up their stores. In comparison to the staircase, the lengthy walk to the clinic is always a breeze, and it helps calm the nerves as I ready myself for a busier pace of day. Every five minutes, I unlocked my phone again to see if Lucas had contacted me. Still no sign of him.

▶ Ambience

After what seems like the longest walk of my life, some staff of the community medical clinic greet me and provide a list of my duties right away. 9:00am right on the dot. I take in what needs to get done, reading off the slightly crumpled paper between my fingers. Towel laundry… Disinfect beds in the North Wing… Prepare a warm epsom salt bath for patients in the East Wing… Always busy on Fridays when the work week is over and people live out their less-than-safe life decisions. Less work, more injuries, and more patients. A voice sharply interrupts, “Hey! Where’s Lucas? You two always arrive here together.” My heart sank. So he isn’t at work. Where could that man possibly be?

Tension grows but a sigh leaves my chest as I formulate some sort of response to the nurse, “He might be sick, I’m not sure where he went. Usually he tells me, but I’m sure he has his reasons.” The lady nodded and clicked her tongue as if irritated. A pause before I ask her, “Why, are we short-staffed today?” She gives a vexed nod again, taking her leave as another staff member urges her towards a patient. Stupid question. We always are understaffed. Located on the intersection of Bear Walk and Oak Lane as suspension railways weave between buildings, Pearl Park Medical Clinic threw itself into one of downtown’s busiest and most dangerous areas. Crimes being committed everyday that send people into the clinic, drunkards finding their way through the doors to spew anger uncalled for against the staff, and the homeless just asking for a pillow or blanket while they sleep outside as they’re reminded of the cold, hard pavement soaked with rain. Of course, we must treat everyone’s needs… and wants in some cases. Only a couple dozen of us work the two-floored piece of the tall establishment which also houses struggling law firms, compact grocery stores, beauty salons, and wireless carriers. This place is a mini mall, but not for the faint-of-heart mall goers. Murder, sabotage, and sickness run rampant. However, it’s the place Lucas and I call home. From Tuesday to Friday, from 9:00am to 8:00pm, my hands pruned from washing equipment and fabric constantly, legs moved to and from wing to wing to prepare stations, mind boggled by the surprising sights of Neostone’s everyday life. The dirty white walls, gowns, and noise make me feel rejuvenation each time I clock in for shifts. Home. A place of belonging. Everyone accepted me in, even as a seemingly insignificant part of the operation. For Lucas, he tells me so often as if I forget easily, it’s a dream come half true.

Lucas aspired to be a doctor. It was his lifelong desire to help others, fascinated by how many times the human body tested the limits and broke them, and how he could save someone’s life. That was his purpose. Unfortunately, he fell into the same boat as I did, not being able to finish college because of the disaster. As per hiring policy, Pearl Park requires employees to be degree holders in biology, chemistry, biochemistry, or any other related field. Lucas was studying biochemistry with a neuroscience minor. Beyond impressive were his grades by what Lucas boasts to me, though I can’t confirm since the disaster destroyed his documents. In his third year, he already started planning his senior capstone project with research on the nervous system of several types of animals. We bonded over doing labs, the silliest or most dreadful courses we sat through, and how the university dining food sucked and ripped us all off. But it was a waste. In this new society, formal higher education is not important. Some schooling still persists, but they’re limited to small, dusty, singular classrooms led by underpaid teachers. Families tend to force children into work as it’s deemed more beneficial in learning practical home economics rather than mathematical theories, ethics, physical sciences, and so much more. The mindset of the remaining world focused on survival versus getting jobs of higher pay and better conditions. No one could blame us when authority breaks and the top 1% fully turn their back on you. Despite being turned down for medical practice, Lucas still wholeheartedly accepted the situation and embraced helping out in the clinic. Here and there with a bit of discreteness, Lucas does patch up some patients with bandage, disinfect cuts, and give advice for those with physical pain. Might I add, he’s quite popular with the patients as well, handsome and charming as he is. I’ll admit to it, I’m jealous of how he lifts everyone up in the toughest hours. Shortly after he joined, my arrival a week later brought him joy knowing I was stuck in the same sticky situation he was in. His passion could be seen a mile away. On the other hand, I just needed this job to keep myself afloat like everyone else.

I snap back to reality when one of the doctors, Dr. Lee who made a beeline towards one of the stations, bumped my side. Asshole, I think to myself. He’s head of the Pearl Park operation, so I don’t feel the desire to cause trouble by reprimanding him. This job allows me to hang onto my existence and sanity with my apartment, I couldn’t afford to lose it. His voice booms suddenly, startling nearby staff, “Is Lucas not here? I need him to help.” His voice trails off and erupts again, “With surgery preparation on Monday,” he swivels his head to one of the lead nurses, “We’re doing a skin graft for a severely burned person.” Despite the cold aura, his face contorted with concern and urgency. The patients put complete faith into him as he’s been a well-known medical practitioner since before the disaster. My imagination briefly ponders the severity of the injury as if I haven’t seen my fair share of nasty burn wounds. Shoulders shudder for a moment, and then I begin towards the North Wing where my first duty awaits.

▶ Ambience

Phew. That might’ve been the longest shift of my life. All day, the image of Lucas constantly itched at the back of my mind. It was difficult to focus, but I managed to get through the hours until 8:00pm. With my feet aching from exhaustion and a slight headache from lack of food or water, I decide to pay a visit to my other favorite place: East Row’s finest Chinese street food, Electric Egg. In my innermost thoughts, I’d hope to see Lucas there, munching away on tea eggs. That was his go-to snack after shifts at the clinic. Being on your feet all day does quite a bit of damage and leaves the stomach to growl, to fight for a delicious energy replenishment. When I arrive, one of my coworkers greets me cheerfully, shouting and waving my name as I draw closer, much to my embarrassment. “Sicheng,” my voice laced with laughter, “how’s business!” Our most common exchange, with the most common reply. With a hardy laugh, he shoots back, “The everyday thing, you know. Slow.” Sicheng’s smile invites me towards the side of the stall as he prepares what he knows are my regular dishes of choice. “Xi’an pancake and sesame tang yuan, coming right up!” As if on cue, my stomach beams in excitement and I lay my hand on it to feel the grumble, making Sicheng to laugh. “How’s work by the way, and where’s Lucas? I have his tea eggs already here.” I glanced to the side of the cart Sicheng worked away at, and indeed Lucas’s tea eggs sat prettily in a mug, waiting to be eaten.

I sigh, turning Sicheng’s grin into a straight line. He’s observant and knows how to read the room well. After a pause to gather myself, I sit down on a stool facing Sicheng and begin to tell him my worries. “I’m not sure if maybe I’m overthinking this, but Lucas always tells me if he’s not feeling well enough to work or go out somewhere. But he was gone this morning, he wasn’t in his room when I left for the clinic. He didn’t show up to the shift, and so many bad things could’ve happened, especially in the area we’re in. I’ve been checking my phone the entire day, but I’ve gotten no resp--”

“My tea eggs! You’re the best Sicheng, I really needed this after a long day, oh my god. You guys have no idea, my belly’s been howling!”

I froze. I know that voice too damn well. Anger immediately boiled within me, and it burst like the hot oil that hits Sicheng’s arms as he cooked. “You. Piece. Of. Shit,” I whipped my entire self around to face the tall man who unsurprisingly turned out to be Lucas with his disheveled hair framing his stupid little face. “Did you not see your call log? It’s just me, me, me, me, me, and oh guess who… me!” The tone in my words frightened even me, even more so realizing both Lucas and Sicheng’s widened eyes. I earned some dirty looks from customers as well. Nevertheless, I was pissed.

Lucas’s heightened shoulders steadily fall. “Hey, I’m sorry… Something really urgent came up, and it’s very personal to me. I hope you understand. I should’ve told you as soon as it came up.” His jaw clenches, his fists tightening their grip against the counter as he sternly looks at me across the food stall. I shake my head and roll my eyes, gaining a scolding expression from Sicheng who’s confusion was written all over his face. Deep within me, I know Lucas is sincere.

I start back up, loosening my voice to become gentle, “Eat your tea eggs, please. They’re getting cold and Sicheng prepared them for you early.” Silence followed, then the chewing noises from Lucas hungrily devouring his food. Maybe today was a hard day by the looks of it. Lucas took care of his appearance, so it was a shock to see him in a seemingly vulnerable state. His eye bags seem bulging and darkened, a sign of a sleepless night. Unsure of what to think, I let go of my displeasure and chip away at my pancake and rice balls. After satisfying our hunger, Lucas and I bid Sicheng a goodbye and head back to our apartment complex. The walk is painfully awkward.

▶ Ambience

This feeling is nice. To have Lucas back as we go through our nightly routine of washing our faces and brushing our teeth in a tiny community bathroom. Our mannerisms seem slightly less stiff, and though minimal, it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. He’s back and I feel secure again. But he doesn’t bring up anything about earlier. I’m about to comment on his long-sleeved shirt as he’s the biggest heat anti in the world, refusing to wear anything that isn’t a muscle tee. But the rough emotions rattled us both, so I drop it from my list of questions to ask. We get ready for bed in silence, only starting to discuss things when we finish up and plop on the floor of my apartment. I tried to figure out if I was uncomfortable from the cold floor or for the conversation that might unfold. Since Lucas has been excruciatingly quiet, I take the initiative, “I sent so many messages and calls today. Do you know how worried I was?” Disappointment heavily coat my concerns. “This isn’t like you, I was seriously going to lose my mind. Please… can you tell me what’s going on?”

It pains me to see him looking like he’s kicked down again from having an already bad day, but I needed answers. He’s the person I trust the most in the life we have now. His chest inflated and quickly deflated. “I’m about to show you something. It might freak you out.” He tugs at the ribbed cuff of his left sleeve. A tattoo? Perhaps a little smiley face or some unconventional design placed oddly on his arm that he wanted to cover since we work at a clinic? Though tattoos are normalized on staff... Or an injury? Whatever it is, I just want to know whatever he’s hiding. “Promise me you won’t make a big commotion, I will explain.”

Without much thinking, I grow irritated at him for dragging this out, so I reach for the end of his shirt and pull it up quickly, unveiling the truth. My body and mind go rigid at the sight, unable to process whatever this… contraption was. “Lucas… what the hell is this,” I ask, alarmed, taking in the faintly glowing circuits and tiny sparks of blue electricity lighting up and down tubes that poke in and out of the machinery. From his shoulder down to his fingers, metals and screws and wires replace his flesh. After a long minute of examination and curiosity, I turn my attention back to Lucas’s face which expressed great worry, fear, and uncertainty. “Is this the reason you were gone today?” He gently shook my hand off and swiftly covered his arm with his shirt again. With a dejected look, he takes his eyes off mine and pins them on the dusty floorboards. His arm is no longer human.

“Dr. Lee from the clinic.”

[levyfiles]

Hi! I'm still questioning my sexuality, although I most closely relate to pansexual. But I've never really had a decent conversation with someone who also identified as pansexual. I saw that you have it on your bio, and I really wanted to ask the basic question of how did you figure it out and when did you know? Did you always know or was it a process to figuring it out?

Ooh boy, this one is a long one. TW: sexual identity, afab dysphoria, religion mentions

Actually, I think it took me a long time to sort out the feelings and the reality of it. I’ve mentioned often enough on this blog that I grew up in a strict fundamentalist Christian community and went to a heavily religiously focused prep school from grade 7 to graduation. My surroundings were not at all queer-positive and any whispers of someone being not straight were only that; barring one suspicious situation where a guy older than me left school long before graduation after it came to almost everyone’s attention that he’d come out. 

For me, it was as plain as day that gender didn’t seem to be a factor when it came to who I felt an attraction to but I didn’t feel how “abnormal” it was until the subject came up. I didn’t understand that bisexuality existed until I was 13 and by that time I even wondered if my attraction to anyone not male was just cultivated by how close I was to my female friends because any crushes on girls I had was based entirely on how deeply I cared about them and the level of protection and loyalty I wanted to express for them. It definitely didn’t help that any male friends I had had to be a secret because my dad was rigidly against my having any sort of male contact until I finished college. Every sexual/romantic interaction I had was secret going forward basically so it all felt the same in a big way. It left me with a deep sense that attraction was meant to be a quiet thing you could share in secret with someone but it definitely wasn’t a “family” thing. Really messed me up for too long after I’d left home.

I think in some capacity, though, every bi/pan person experiences the isolating stigma of not being certain, of exploring what it means that the feelings for any gender hits you differently depending on where you are and who they are. I think the moment I came to terms with it was a little later. I was 19, literally in the middle of my first same-sex relationship watching my girlfriend struggle through her own identity in the wake of both us coming from the same religious self-loathing background. For me, though, it was a matter of realising that sexuality can be fluid, that some people are just wired a certain way and their personhood is not always dependent on finding the name for it. Reading online at that age the definition made me also realise that my attraction to a person is deeply dependent on who they are uniquely, my respect for them, and how the beauty of their humanity glows through all of it. 

I think what helped me settle in with the pansexual label and the queer label especially was my own relationship with my gender. The frustration of literally just sitting there and feeling a jarring disconnect when someone looked at you in a group of other people and said “Ladies!” and then the following few seconds feeling a vehement love and protection for my unique journey as a woman, esp a multiracial one and then once again wanting to vomit when people wanted to bond with me over a bodily function like bleeding or being a vessel for a fetus that people seem to want more of when society at large can’t even show empathy or active protection/love for the grown children they want so goddamn more of. It’s all a mess and attraction and identity is all a swirl of your experiences and genetic makeup, I feel zero compunction to judge or police others into getting a hold on who they are when at my big age it’s all so much noise to me when I get into the fundamentals of it.

What is important is how you feel when you’re at your happiest. Who you feel it for is secondary and that if you experience feelings for someone or attraction and they expect you to come with all your respective labels intact then they are not being fair to you. Literally, don’t put pressure on yourself while you’re questioning things and don’t let the noise of everyone else telling you where you do or don’t belong in terms of sexual identity let you feel bad for finding your space and then backpedalling when you find another angle of yourself you feel right about.

I hope this helped somehow. I’m often all over the place online but if you ever do want to have a real conversation about it, I am more active on discord if you’d like to reach out.

[averyjarhman]

Greetings. Witness Former FEMINISM Embracing Christa Marie Winchester Eloquently Explain Why She Decided To #WalkAway from Feminism, As Well As Values and Ideology Espoused By America's Democratic Party.

"I have been holding off with my story because I wanted to keep free the stage for those who are newly transitioned from the Democrat Party in the days before the election. My story is quite relevant, but it has been some years now since I transitioned. I was raised in a home where politics were rarely discussed. Looking back, I now understand that we were of conservative values, but I had no awareness of this or, of anything political for that matter, while growing up.

After graduating high school, I drove myself to a new state and began putting myself through college. It did not take very long for me to notice that politics was not only "a thing" on campus, but it was a big enough deal that my college math professor found it an important regular topic in class. My peers all felt the same way about just about everything and so I fell hard and fast into group-think acceptance. This was particularly robust because America was seeing the very first African American President on the ballot and oh boy, did I latch onto the emotional arguments in his favor!

I voted for President Obama in my freshman year of college. I systematically cataloged every narrative that I heard my peers mimic from the mainstream media and I spat that montage of surface level understanding at anyone who expressed a different opinion. I noticed how frustrated I would become when opposite opinions would back me into a corner where I had no parroted response to pull from my proverbial file cabinet. It was in one of these moments where my competitive nature took over and I would start the transformation to become an intellectual.

I went out to find information to support my liberal views-- REAL information that the conservatives couldn't argue. I dug and searched and read article after article and then...four years after I voted for Obama, I found myself rooted in conservative values once again. There was no information to back up my view as a registered Democrat. There were gaping holes in arguments that I could not explain and I could not ignore and through seeing this, I gravitated quickly back down to reality. I am now 32 and I have become that calm, centered and grounded political mind that once enraged my liberal 19 year old self. There is great comfort and credibility that comes from truth and there is very little of that in today's Democrat party.

Looking back, I acknowledge only one regret from my liberal past and that is the embrace of a new culture in feminism pushed for political exploitation. I was never a "feminist" activist but I was a product of the mentality that women can carry a man's heavy load as well and as far as he can-- that women should be independent and need not seek a partner because she can handle her own life and all that it entails.

Now, I know and I understand that not all women seek men and I respect those people's humanity. I mean no disrespect when I say this:

If there is any wisdom that I may share that perhaps many of you beautiful ladies do not already know, it is this: your femininity is beautiful and these attributes are things that you have which men do not have. Just as we women do not have some attributes that men are given. We balance one another out and that is what is so fantastic. Treasure that unique beauty, grace, elegance and kindness that God has given to you and receive your partner for those qualities that God gave to him.

Due to this feminist movement, I pushed myself to meet and exceed a man's standard-- I became a Wildland Firefighter, learned construction and ran my own handyman business for which I shortened my first name to "Chris" in order to get more work. I broke horses (and myself), hauled truckloads of firewood split and stacked, worked on my own vehicles and all the while I let my natural talents fade to the background. I did not wear dresses, heels and I did not let anyone help me or see my vulnerability because weakness was not acceptable in the feminist culture.

Now, I am 32 with more land than I have time, more things in need of repair than my hands have hours to fix, more paranoid sleepless nights than restful ones, and all of those aspects of who I really am and what I really want, those aspects that I put to the background because that was for "weak women", are the very things that I wish for the most. I managed to become a model replacement for the other half of my life that should be filled appropriately to bring so much joy and relief-- that replacement that I have become is for a partner who is present physically, emotionally and intimately.

Feminism pushed by the Democrat agenda quite honestly ruined my life. I wanted to be married, but this union has been made to look like a regression of a woman's rights. I wanted to be the graceful and elegant wife to a good man who cares for me, but this has been made to demonstrate a woman as meek and subservient. I never wanted to break my back like I have for 18 years but this has been made into a glorifying picture of perfection for the feminist revolution once depicted by a pin up girl in the 1940's rolling up her sleeve and flexing her bicep.

I realize that my experience with the Democrat's feminist movement is not one size fits all but my point here is quite the reverse. Who you are at your core, not anywhere in between, is precisely who you need to be true to. Regardless of pressures that may be skipping along the surface, the gifts bestowed to you are beautiful and you must resist downplaying them because a "movement" discounts them. I pray each day that our youth will wake before they are swallowed like I was swallowed. Walk Away has provided a group where this is possible and I only wish I had been able to stumble upon something similar all those years ago.

I support our President Trump, our Veterans and this beautiful country-- America as founded. Here, everyone is indeed created equal and we use our gifts accordingly within the framework to keep the harmonious balance of Freedom and Liberty. To fight for this, do not be afraid to speak the truth. Remain respectful and kind, but do not let fear stop you from doing, or saying, what is right and true. Everything that you may encounter as you stand for your beliefs will be worth it in the end.

God Bless you all." ~Christa Marie Winchester

https://www.facebook.com/groups/OFFICIALWalkAwayCampaign/permalink/4016075181745693/

☮️♥️🇺🇲 EndHate

[laughingpinecone]

Press Start letter

I am laughingpineapple on AO3

It’s a long list of character combos so the specific requests aren’t overly detailed, please draw at will from my general likes and general fandom likes in addition or as an alternative to any of those!

All requests are art or fic - for art, the stuff I like is the kind that depicts the characters doing something. I’ll always be happier with a very simple drawing of two characters walking together or sharing a cup of coffee than with an ambitious composition that looks like an Avengers poster. I also enjoy seeing them wear different clothes, getting a feel of what their fashion sense is like beyond their canon outfit(s).

Likes: worldbuilding, slice of life (especially if the event the fic focuses on is made up but canon-specific), missing moments, 5+1 and similar formats, bonding and emotional support/intimacy, physical intimacy, lingering touches, loyalty, casefic, surrealism, magical realism, established relationships, future fic, hurt/comfort or just comfort from the ample canon hurt, throwing characters into non-canon environments, banter, functional relationships between dysfunctional individuals, unexplained mysteries, bittersweet moods, journal/epistolary fic, dreams and memories and identities, canon-adjacent tropey plots, outsider POV, UST, resolved UST, exploration of secondary bits of canon, leaning on the uniqueness of the canon setting/mood, found families, characters reuniting after a long and/or harrowing time, friends-to-lovers, road trips, maps, mutual pining, cuddling, wintry moods, the feeling of flannel and other fabrics, ridiculous concepts played straight, sensory details, sickfic, places being haunted, people being haunted, the mystery of the woods, small hopes in bleak worlds, electricity, places that don’t quite add up, mismatched memories, caves and deep places, distant city lights at night, emphasis on non-human traits of non-human characters (gen-wise, but also a hearty yes xeno for applicable ships)

Cool with: any tense, any pov, any rating, plotty, not plotty, IF, nerdy canon references, unrequested characters popping up

DNW: non-canonical rape, non-canonical children, focus on children, unrequested ships (background established canon couples are okay, mentions of parents are okay), canon retellings, consent issues

Dark Souls

I’m only familiar with the first game+DLC! It’s probably relevant to mention that I think that linking the fire is kind of a dumbass move and Gwyn is an ass, but on the other hand Kaathe has his own agenda and there’s no winning move in this world, or at least no obvious one. Feel free to deviate from anyone’s canon endings, to make things happen that’ll stave off their hollowing. I am interested in any of these people meeting and possibly striking up a friendship, and also in exploring Lordran’s temporal/dimensional fuckery, where it’s possible to meet people who have been gone for ages…

Group: Solaire of Astora & Siegmeyer of Catarina: so much fanart of Sun Bro & Onion Bro being bros, so little fic. And yet, the potential! How’d they bounce off each other, what about the fact that Siegmeyer is apparently a proper Catarina knight after all while Solaire just painted his self-made insignia and left, what would Sieg think of Solaire’s quest?

Group: Alvina the Cat & Sieglinde of Catarina: dunno, kitty. I love them both and I want everyone cool to go on adventure with each other. What’s left for Alvina now that Sif is gone, Artorias’ grave desecrated? For her part, did Sieglinde, you know, (mimics Ash Lake)?

Ghost Trick

I am very interested in various characters finding about the erased timeline, but not getting their memories back, and having to live with being told about what they did but never remembering it. Exploring the ghost lore is great. All what-ifs welcome (what if they managed an acceptable happy ending but didn’t reset the timeline, what if a different party went back to the past and kept their memories, what if Alma’s ghost stuck around…) Also open to AUs here, especially for generic fantasy or sci-fi settings or the Final Fantasy ones I prompted last Yuletide.

For the non-canon sides of Jowd/Alma/Cabanela, please no infidelity? I’d be good with either setting the fic during the game timeline or some what-if thereof when the other spouse is dead or unavailable, or simply keeping them offscreen and not mentioning them (eg Alma/Cabanela beach day, Jowd/Cabanela precinct shenanigans)

For Jowd in general, I do love my big boy and enjoy milking that size difference for all it’s worth. In gen contexts too, it’s neat. him big.

Group: Jowd & Yomiel: I’d love to read about the intimate understanding that comes from their shared memories and the horrors they’ve mutually forgiven (and a penchant for morbidity they’ve gained from such horrors probably). Cat dads things welcome.

Group: Alma/Jowd/Cabanela: maybe once Alma and Jowd have figured out he’s smitten and that they do in fact reciprocate... they tease him to death, slowly and deliberately? Is it even a Jowd romance if there’s not an exhausting amount of teasing involved, I ask?

Group: Alma/Jowd & Cabanela: Cabs’ life is wild; his best friends’ home is a safe haven...

Group: Emma & Pigeon Man: Emma’s unsuspected beta reader...

Group: Alma/Cabanela: (taps mic) legs. And fashion!

Group: Cabanela/Jowd: a recent tumblr post made a convincing argument for Cabs liking to be in charge (the argument is just pointing at Cabanela, honestly). Jowd is... agreeable, by his own admission. But is it that simple?

Kentucky Route Zero

I love the ending and I’d love to see its themes and setting explored. I’m all for exploration of any of the game’s themes and for including any staples from adjacent genres - wanna go full-on American Gothic? Dip into surrealism? Take a leaf from Twin Peaks with tulpa / split narratives to explore the characters’ issues? I love AUs so that’s an option too. Or of course there’s Xanadu at the height of its glory, an infinite what-ifs generator. Were the requested characters part of it, what were their digital counterparts up to? A Xanadu narrative would be great! I’d also love to hear about any new spot along the Zero or the Echo river, or an expansion of some place that’s only mentioned by Will in HATATE or only gets a few paragraphs of text. Mostly, I just love all these characters so much and I’m going through the tagset’s options like a hyperactive cat. Any fragment of their lives will make me happy.

Group: Shannon Márquez & Conway & Conway's Dog: does Shannon get to see them after the ending? Even for a moment?

Group: Lula Chamberlain/Joseph Wheattree/Donald: so Lula went back to Mexico. Joseph is pensive. Did the events of the night shake up Donald, or what will it take?

Group: Junebug & Lula Chamberlain: artists! Outspoken... artists... with a complicated personality. Put them in the same room and...?

Group: Junebug & Johnny: where’s the strangest place they played in, and what did Johnny find there?

Group: Conway & Johnny & Junebug (Kentucky Route Zero): their story is about finding individuality, his is about succumbing and losing it. Would any of them pick up on this mid-Act IV? Or just... talking about limbs and stuff?

Group: Cate & Will & Shannon Márquez (Kentucky Route Zero): a few months later, Shannon finds herself on the Mucky Mammoth again...

Group: Carrington & Weaver Márquez & Shannon Márquez (Kentucky Route Zero): maybe the cousins were trying to bond or reminisce or whatever and Carrington dive-bombed into the conversation, but in the end it was an enriching experience... of sorts?

Group: Carrington & Lula Chamberlain (Kentucky Route Zero): I don’t usually look for college shenanigans but this may be the exception? Or Art Opinions?

Group: Carrington & Clara (Kentucky Route Zero): would she even... get a word in? Maybe with the right topic?

Group: Carrington & Cate & Will (Kentucky Route Zero): Mammoth life! ...what does theater have to say about mushrooms again?

Group: Shannon Marquez & Weaver Marquez (Kentucky Route Zero): at the end of it all, Weaver was waiting. After this end, they can stand side by side again...

Group: Emily & Ben & Bob (Kentucky Route Zero): so what does it mean, like, poetically, that they were temporally displaced and Act I is in their future from Act V? Is it possible they were not aware of it?

Mutazione

The island, the sense of community, newcomers joining the community, gardens and music... I love the mood of this little game. Got ideas for some part of the island we haven’t seen? What stories do they tell each other about Moon Dragon and the first days of the new life it brought? The plants encyclopaedia was great - do Yoké’s archives hide some other cool tome? Please, if Graubert is mentioned, I would much prefer a sympathetic portrayal - he’s got his issues but I felt that the game was much harder on him than anyone else.

Group: Yoké & Karoo: I love the friendship between Yoké and Nonno and filtering it through Karoo feels even cooler to me. When did the big spooky bird first visit, did Yoké know or perceive what was going on?

Group: Yoké & Claire: book club book club book club!

Group: Spike/Claire: they’re so cute! Dinner at Mori’s? Swimming together?

Group: Nonno & Spike: I love Nonno’s role in the community and Spike’s role in the community, and they’re the two people who landed there and decided to stay. Could they bond over this?

Group: Dennis & Nonno: Important Tree Health Business!

Group: Bopek & Jell-A: Jell-A is the absolute coolest and Bopek grew on me a lot. Their friendship is adorable! What could they do together? As a side note, Jell-A’s place has the tightest interior decor in the whole game. How’d that happen, and does Bopek get a flair for vintage shapes and volumes in his weaving?

Group: Mori & Nonno & Yoké: FRIENDS. Friends for a long time, through so much pain. An evening together while The Youths (tm) are at Spike’s bar?

Yoké: catch-all Yoké request because he’s my fave! Doing Yoké things, being a big nerd, caring for books and plants and stuff

Pyre

The burning found family feelings, the revolutionary passion, the tension between topside social constraints and the kind of freedom allowed by the Downside! Thoughts about finding oneself at  the end of an age, as everything crumbles down to form something new. I love all the themes, the solemnity, the heart of this game. I adore everyone in that Blackwagon+Dalbert+Celeste, so if you want to add a Nightwing or two to any prompt, please do! I also love all the Scribes and find Erisa a compelling tragic figure. Out of the other triumvirates, I’m “love to hate them” for Manley, Brighton, Udmildhe and Deluge and would not like to see them featured in sympathetic roles. My main interest usually lies in post-canon exploration when applicable, but I’m also into various adventures during canon. Pick a location or a place outside the map and see what happens? As for the ending variables, I’d ask for a peaceful revolution and Oralech alive, but no preferences for who’s up and who’s down, pick whatever works best for any given plot bunny.

Group: Tariq & Soliam: what were Tariq and Celeste like in their earliest days? Were they made or summoned from some sort of preexisting star consciousness? They’re wildly different scenarios! I’m good with either. Does Soliam then see Tariq as a child of sorts, someone he made, or something greater than himself? Did he mean to do that, to have these two immortals around? What does Tariq learn from the First Scribe?

Group: Tariq & Dalbert Oldheart: Any excuse for Tariq to hang out with the Fates for a little while, and treasure and be treasured by dear Dalbert...

Group: Oralech & Vagabond Girl: after all is said and done, Oralech’s view of the Scribes is probably... understandably... dire. So of course I want to see him talk it out with ae!

Group: Celeste & Ignarius: look, listen, if the various triumvirates just camped out near their respective Scribe’s place during the Nightwings’ years-long absence (not the only possible explanation for how you find them all neatly lined up before the first lib rite, but an explanation nonetheless, I think. just let me have my crack), that means Iggy was Celeste’s neighbor for a long time. Neighborly hijinks please?

Group: Bertrude/Pamitha: Pam returning from her travels, again and again, and finding a home in Bertrude’s lab, finding an understanding there... Bertrude’s attitude being thorny in a way that’s just what Pam needs to allow herself to open up... also: snake kisses.

Group: Volfred Sandalwood/Oralech: waking up and remembering that the mourning that’s set deep in your roots is for someone who never died, waking up and remembering that the bitterness that consumed you had made up a betrayal that never was, finding each other through these crumbling walls... 

Molten Milithe: that’s the pov for a love letter to the Downside, right? And/or which Scribe did she bond with the most? Or the least for that matter?

Volfred Sandalwood: catch-all Volf’n’anyone request. I want to see our tree interact with any friend and foe you might fancy! Arguing for his beliefs, being a history professor through and through, finding himself in a tight spot and getting unexpected help, verbally tearing Brighton a new one if they ever cross each other’s path again...

group: Volfred Sandalwood/Tariq | The Lone Minstrel: Volfred’s zodiac sign is Cancer and Cancer is ruled by the Moon, so there’s that.    I love how they both hold the other in the highest esteem, especially on Tariq’s part since he’s the immortal Herald of the Scribes and Volfred is, all in all, a history teacher, but listen to him and you’d think the roles were inverted. I love my nonviolent canon but could anything happen to either of them that may require a rescue, and/or some good old-fashioned h/c? What’s something that could make Tariq of all people lose it? How’s life 100 years on?

Shenmue

This game cares for the little things. I’d love to see fanworks that try to out-slice-of-life canon...

Group: Qiu Hsu & Xianzi Bei: cormorant kung fu adventure! Do they hang out sometimes?

Group: Hazuki Ryo & Shenhua Ling: any moment, discussion, small adventure from their travels together! I love their bond! For all its waifufication of Shenhua, S3 really sold me on their friendship and a shared brand of dorkiness. Alternatively, sometimes I remember that they’d be 50ish in the present day - how and where do you picture them?

The Silver Case

I‘m all for the surrealism, big things being introduced and never picked up again, Rashomon’ing it up with six explanations for the same thing where no single one can be true, people dying and then popping up again like nbd...  maybe the thing I like the most is characters transcending their humanity and looming over the dystopian world like ominous avatars. Correctness’ first ending had me swooning, that kind of mood is unparalleled. I have played TSC, FSR and 25W so far and have vague memories of K7. I’m aware of the “everything’s connected” readings but that’s not my main interest in these games. For FSR-focused requests, I see Lospass as a real island but also a metaphysical  place of transformation first and foremost, where strange things happen that don’t make sense elsewhere.

Group: Toriko Kusabi & Remy Fawzil: What’s Toriko up to when she’s not chasing Chris? I think it could be fun to throw her at Remy and see the island from their point of view!

Group: Tokio Morishima & Edo Macalister: since Tokio stayed at the Flower Sun and Rain... I’m interested in peculiar happenings on Lospass that are not centered on Sumio...

Group: Tetsugorou Kusabi/Sumio Kodai: Tetsu picked one hell of a crush, huh! What’s it like in the aftermath of the games, when Sumio is Like That? How does Tetsu grapple with Parade? Is Tetsu an anchor of sorts for Correctness Sumio, who seems (at best) to be existing on a slightly different plane of existence at any given time and could disappear if you blink too hard?

Group: Tetsugorou Kusabi & Shinko Kuroyanagi: I’m joining the “let these two be foulmouthed friends” masses - who’d be more fed up with the other’s nonsense, and in which ways would they be an unstoppable team?

Group: Shinkai Tsuki & Tetsugorou Kusabi: Both of them end their stories in the shadows one way or another, and defending their protégé may have had a hand in their misfortune one way or another. What kind of understanding could they reach? What IS Tsuki up to anyway?

Group: Christina & Catherine: anthro Catherine, as per the Placebo bonus chapter Yami, was unexpectedly charming. What was Chris before reaching Lospass, and did he also have a chat with her on the plane or on the island?

[puawarriors-production]

Week 17 – Alex – I Told You I’d See You Later

My previous post was a little anti-climactic if you ask me, and I didn’t get to recap what I did so here we gooo.

----------------------FIRST, MAJOR DISCLAIMER---------------

     As you can see, this post is pretty dang long, so I’m just gonna put evaluation stuff for the class here first, and if you feel like reading on afterward that’s cool, but it’s just personal reflections and final send-off stuff. 

     So, shockingly, I was one of the main contributors to the rough animation which you can see in the animatic, and can track the progress of throughout this blog’s history. I finished 15 roughed shots in total. I also have 8 shots concurrently blocked (in other words, partial progress,) and 2 shots unstarted.       I also made the 3D environment models used for reference in making the backgrounds, as well as handling the editing side (video composition, timing, and sound edits) for the animatic up to this point. 

     Next, I worked closely with Sophia and our sound mixer Tim to get the voice actresses recorded, their clips edited, and finally integrated into the film. And also, while this hasn’t made it into the animatic yet, I have been creating some original sound design elements as well. Here’s a sample of some:

I’m focusing mostly on the characters’ Pua powers and transformations right now, and some sludge sounds. And in hand with that, I also did the voice clips/sound effects for the Sludge Monster. Aaand that’s pretty much it from me this semester! Super excited to keep up the work in the weeks to come! If you’re not sticking till the end of the post, then thanks for an awesome class, and awesome semester! 

------------------ The Feels Side of the Post -----------------

                                       The Pua Warriors Experience

     When I first heard about Pua Warriors, I thought the idea sounded awesome: Magical girls set in Hawai'i using flower powers and sparkles to save the day? Yeah I’m down for that. It felt… familiar to me, I suppose. But at the time I still knew relatively little about the characters, the story, and only had a vague idea of their designs.

     As time went on and the Capstone application deadline was approaching, I felt like I was a bit stuck, with the exhaustion of working on Midnight Showing holding me on one side, and having only a vague outline of a plot for my own film idea on the other. And with no crew to speak of, the decision not to make a Capstone of my own was … difficult… one of the most difficult in my time at ACM. Cause in my mind (at the time at least,) not making “your own” Capstone project felt like a failure somehow. But this whole Pua Warriors thing was sounding pretty nice, and I already knew everyone working on it. So I decided life’s better together, and far be it from me to not work on a project of some kind. So I hopped on-board for a little trip into the unknown. And well, here we are, still in the unknown. But that doesn’t mean we’re lost. Not yet.

     I have to say, Pua Warriors has grown on me. At a certain point it stopped feeling like a student film, and started feeling more like a potential series: a world with its own storyline, and indeed one that’s worth telling – yes, I would make a distinction between the two. Working on the project has just been the sweetest, most wonderful, enlightening, mild existential crisis inducing, and bizarrely friendly thing I’ve had the privilege of working on, all at once. It didn’t just change how I approach character design, animation, or working on a team – I feel it changed me for the better as a person, and at times I feel almost unworthy to be on this project.

     One thing I’ll never forget is the time we spent hanging out in the Keller lab, going to group meetings, and recording at MELE. What silly fun times those were. I admit, not being able to hang out with my friends after the virus shut the world down has truly been one of the most difficult parts of my whole “college era” of my life experience. To feel like something great was forming, only to be ripped away by something so crazy and completely over-the-top as this virus – words just can’t capture the feeling of melancholy. But even when we’re spread hundreds or thousands of miles apart, at times I can still feel near, even if it is only through a screen. And personally, I don’t want that to change just because the semester’s ending. That’s why, in a way, I’m sort of glad we have time to work on into the summer.

                                             Reflections on Life

     Some lessons this semester taught me: First is on fitting in. It’s never blending in for the sake of blending in, nor standing out for the sake of standing out. It’s being comfortably unique in your own talents and skills, strengths and weaknesses, styles and tastes - while being happy to share those things with others. Indeed, it’s not about being “good enough” to belong, but rather belonging, in order that may do good for others. Second is on wanting to help. For a long time I remained kind of a loner in ACM, sitting in “my” corner with “my” ideas. It wasn’t until last semester and especially during this semester I realized just how powerful, or perhaps rather how much more powerful the drive to help and serve others can be. That’s true not just for creative endeavors, but all areas of life. The Third lesson: doing things for the right reasons. We do things for a lot of different reasons, and often times we aren’t cognizant of why we act or feel the way we do. Having an understanding of who you truly are and what you really want is critical in exercising self-control, and you may come to realize your desires aren’t always what you think they are. And the Fourth lesson is on being assertive. We all want and feel things, and one of the greatest feelings is being in control. You may doubt yourself when you don’t know where your feelings and desires come from. You may think your mind is playing tricks on you. But the truth is, we’ll never go places in life if we don’t speak up and acknowledge our ideas. We may not always come to the right conclusions, but that doesn’t mean we’re wrong for trying. So try, try, and try again. It’s okay to fail, as long as you pick up something with you as you get up. Take risks, and understand that doubt is often our greatest enemy, so fight it!

     So now, at the end, I don’t really know what I feel: I don’t know if this is sadness or happiness? Courage or fear? Maybe it’s none of those things, but something I haven’t quite felt before. Until recently, I didn’t realize there’s an emotion that can make you feel so weak, yet feel strong at the same time. One thing’s for sure, I’m going to miss the project, the crew, and all of Hawai'i. To us, the future is a blank slate: nothing is written on it, yet it holds an infinite number of possibilities. 

                                          Honoring my Maker

     Now before I wrap up, I have a specific topic I’d like to address.

     While I  usually avoid discussing my religious life openly in a scholastic context, I will say here and now that God has been my greatest help throughout these past couple years. For the longest time, even before coming to Hawai'i, I struggled with feelings of not fitting in, of low self-esteem, and of self-doubt. There were a lot of recurring battles at my home growing up, and many of the wounds followed me into adulthood. And if nothing else, this semester has brought many of those to the forefront.

     As a child back in Washington, I would often just go with the flow of my friends at the time, because it was easier, and allowed me to avoid conflict. Yet I would be lead into instances where I would not speak up or act, even though I felt what we were doing, thinking, or saying was wrong. My family wasn’t particularly religious, or at least they certainly didn’t act like it. And for a while I think I didn’t believe in God. Maybe there was some higher power... maybe, perhaps, but not God. Yet still I felt a crushing weight on my conscience, for both the things I had done, and the things I had failed to do. So I watched TV shows and movies to help me feel safe, to distract myself, and indeed to feel as if I had more power than I actually did. 

     There came a time in middle school when a big storm came through my life, and when I was living in fear, I turned to God, and He helped me through it. And again in high school, God helped me. And in college, many times more. Through it all, God answered my prayers, and showed me there is a better way. And I came to understand that He gave me a way to life through His Son, long before I was even born. And because of that, I could find comfort and rest by trusting in Him through the afflictions I faced.      So the way I see it, God has lead my life in a way neither I, nor any human being could. I have found that He has a purpose for all things, and truly that nothing comes by accident. I may not say it aloud, but I observe it every day in the places He sets me in, and the people with whom He places me. Yes, even in the midst of this virus. So while family and friends may not always be there to support me, and while institutions may crumble and fall, and while I may move away and feel isolated from all I’ve known, my God was, is, and always will be with me. There is nothing more empowering or reassuring than that. And without coming off too preachy, my hope is that people might perhaps look at that reflected in my life - to see the work God has done, and to consider their own relationship with Him.

                                                       Roll Call

     Next, I have a few shout-outs I’d like to mention.

     First, to my wonderful film Director Sophia: What can I say? This project has been simply amazing to work on with you. I think back to the moment I first overheard you talking about Pua Warriors. You were so thrilled to do it, and that’s when I realized I might want to jump onboard as well. Since then, the only adjective that comes to mind describing this experience is “vibrant.” I know there have been a lot of ups and downs, but that’s part of what makes the experience worth remembering. And there may very well be more hills and valleys to go through, but I actually look forward to them every day with you, as we continue to make this film happen. You shine like a star with a brilliant, positive energy I’ve never seen before. And I think you have a much greater potential than perhaps even you yourself realize. Of course, everyone has room to grow, but that doesn’t reflect poorly on you at all. It’s the fact that you’ve been so supportive of your team, and that you didn’t give up on your vision, and indeed, you’ve made massive efforts to grow this semester – that’s what makes you a good director in my eyes. And to be honest, I wouldn’t have anybody else direct the film – certainly at least not this “episode” anyway. It’s been a lasting experience, and I hope you’ll take what you’ve learned from it with you. You have a bright future ahead of you Sophia – all you need to do is reach out to it!

     Next, to the Art Director and my good friend Gavin, wow what a ride this has been. Your artistic vision, your stamina, and your work ethic are so very remarkable. It’s been awesome these last few years getting to know you and work with you through all the late nights and long class periods. And especially through Midnight Showing and Pua Warriors. You basically set the standard that I and most other animation students aspire to, and you have such a unique way of looking at things too. Even when you’re feeling drained from all the work, your passion clearly shows, and you know how to communicate both very clearly, AND very, uh, sassily, which makes hanging around you hilarious. You’re also one of the only people on Earth that could get me to watch Clone Wars, and I don’t regret it. You give exceptional feedback in each critique, and though it can be tough to incorporate sometimes, you make listening to you a worthwhile endeavor. ACM simply would not be what it is without you, and I know you have many great things you’ll do with your skills moving forward.

     To our excellent Animation Supervisor Chandelle, this semester’s been a tough one, but even in the darkest times, the sun still rises! You’ve always been an awesome animator, an incredibly hard worker, and an exceptionally friendly and helpful member of the group. And what’s more, you never sought to put the spotlight on yourself for it. You do things simply because you care, and you do them with such a level of discipline and professionalism that few in the ACM department could match it. I’m sure I speak for the whole group when I say, we care about you so much, and we’re just thankful you’ve been with us on the project. Never sell yourself short Chandelle! You’ve conquered some major obstacles in the past, and I know you have it in you to overcome this one as well.The light will shine again someday, so hang in there, and thanks for all the help you’ve given!

     To my fellow animation friend Jared, man, have I got a lot of respect for you. You really know what it’s like to get down and dirty for the team, or feel stuck in a rut in the middle of a project. This last year has probably tested you the most, and yet you never fell apart. Sure, cracks may have formed at times, but you held together and pulled on through to the end. That proves you’ve got guts, and a great capacity for patience and accommodation especially in times of crisis. And that’s exactly what we need - that kind of boldness and passion, to be able to outlast our worries, especially when there are so many unknowns. I remember back to Midnight Showing; boy, that felt like a big time of unknowns too. We had no idea what was coming. And yet you outmatched it, and sure enough, things worked out in the end. And because you’ve been so humble and willing to improve yourself, I’ve seen you get so much better over these last few years, and frankly, it’s astonishing! You’re a great friend, and a hard worker Jared. Keep it up! You’ve got this!

     I’d also like mention my fellow animation friend Kalilinoe! Even though we’re not in the same team this semester, you’re still an awesome and inspiring animator to have in class! Working together on Midnight Showing last semester was a lot of work, but also so much fun! And I love your style of animation using rotoscoping. And I gotta say, the animation in Pua Ka Uahi looks sooo smooth and beautiful. Watching your progress on the film this semester has been super inspiring, and definitely keeps the other teams on their toes! I can’t wait to see the finished film!

     I’ll also make a brief mention of Jayme and Bobby from our 320/420 classes! You guys rock, and made the year all the better! I hope we’ll get to hang out again sometime! 

     PLUS, A big thanks to the whole Capstone class! Stay creative, and best wishes to you all!

     And finally, one last big shout-out to Lisette for making all of this possible! You’ve been an awesome teacher not just for this course, but for the last few years in general! You always bring such wisdom and expert film knowledge to us younglings. And you’re so willing to make yourself available to your students; always helpful and encouraging to everyone, and even more so now during this time. That’s just the kind of support we need! I’ll be missing your classes greatly! Thanks so much for all your care and help!

                                              A New Chapter Begins

Well, that pretty much wraps up my blog (for the school-production time anyway) of Pua Warriors. I’d like to once again thank each and every one of you for making the ACM experience so incredible. I think I like posting, so I’ll probably try to keep up with the blogs for the future, or at least make an update every once in a while. Thanks for reading through this epic conclusion of a post. 

Until next time my friends! This is Alex(is) Nelson, Ganitine, the Undercover Animator, uncovered! See you next time!

[featuristicfilm]

Movies of Fall/Winter 2019 (and 2020) that I’m really excited to see

With awards season kicking in, the movie release slate is about to bring us some incredible pieces of cinema. There are many films this year that sound fun, interesting, profound and promising so here is a shortened list of the ones that get me giddy with most anticipation. TOP 5 let’s go! (and a few honourable mentions)

5. Lucy in the Sky (Noah Hawley, December 6th, 2019, UK)

Randomly stumbling upon its trailer on Youtube, I was surprised as to why I haven’t heard anything about this film at all because it actually looks super intriguing. Even though the notion of a space movie can feel fairly worn-out, and there is only so much originality you can bring to that kind of concept, Lucy in the Sky looks like it’s going to be a completely shifted take on space dynamics and exploration. In fact, it seems it’s going to be a story fully centred around one character’s individual, self-reflective, very personal journey, with space acting only as a narrative device that creates the background, rather than it being at the forefront of the film’s events. Natalie Portman seems completely in her shoes in this trope of a study of a character who’s deeply damaged and emotionally transformed by whatever trials she undergoes. The trailer is put together so perfectly as well. It tells just enough information for us to understand what is the movie’s premise while also creating a dramatic and suspenseful energy. Also, to me the imagery feels very grounded and serious but also kind of weird, daring and eccentric in some shots, so if the creators managed to balance a kind of art-house approach with some epic, grandiose visual elements it is going to be one hell of a film. To be fair, I was kind of excited just ‘cause it’s Natalie Portman but the more I think about the story the more interesting and promising it sounds. Unfortunately, it comes out October 4th which means its going to have a biiiiit of a competitor in the box-office in the form of Joker.

4. Jojo Rabbit (Taika Waititi, January 3rd, 2020, UK)

This one exhibits several traits that make the film very enticing. First of all, of course, the subject matter. I think it’s fair to say that a little boy interacting with Adolf Hitler in the shape of an imaginary friend is as crazy and amusing an idea as it gets. And, of course, many of us have our understanding and reaction towards the people and events of the WW2 era but to have that portrayed in a comedy genre is definitely going to cast a whole new light on the subject, at least as seen on the big screen. This will most likely be a story exploring harsh realism through imagination and fantasy but also through the earnest and innocent eyes of a child and it will likely be a surprising take and not what anyone expects it to be. Due to many reasons, it is, obviously, going to be a widespread conversation piece and for that alone I have to see it. The other thing that perfectly complements the idea of this project, is the man himself, Taika Waititi. I don’t think a better combination between the material and the creator can emerge because it is hard to imagine someone else taking on such a bold proposition. He’s just the type of writer and director that is so unique in style and taste that you just believe anything he makes is going to turn out special in one way or another, and having creative will and freedom and integrity might be exactly what made this whole thing possible in the first place. Plus Waititi himself is playing Hitler which, I’d imagine, just raises the scale of humour and energy and dynamics of the whole piece. 

3. Jumanji: The Next Level (Jake Kasden, December 13th, 2019, UK)

I know, a not so popular of a choice. Compared to the way every other film is awaited based on their technical and creative merits, with this one I am so genuinely eager to experience the fun. After all the amusement Jumanji: Into the Jungle brought to the franchise, I don’t see why anybody wouldn’t be excited about this next instalment. I absolutely loved that film, it was so so so funny and entertaining! The story was really great because not only did it bring that fantasy and adventure aspect once again but also the way the avatar/game player narrative approach was incorporated was so unique. So, after seeing the trailers for this sequel, it sparked even more excitement to see how else can they possibly spin that concept. With that in mind, bringing in Danny DeVito and Danny Glover, well regarded comedic figures and over all talents, to the mix is genius. Them trapped in the bodies of Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart is, honestly, a hilarious thought and having old guys interact with the other teenage friends and deal with challenges in the desert, jungle, mountain tops will be no less than a thrilling journey. I think this is going to be just the right film to kind of step back from all the serious and deep dramas that will be in full motion for Oscar season at the time, and switch to some good-old light-hearted cinema. With holidays coming up during its release (December 13th) - nothing better than to go see a fun family movie. And if the playfulness and humour combined with the fond spirit of the story lands at least the same way as it did with the previous film, it’s going to win over people’s hearts and probably the box-office. Can’t wait to just fully enjoy the action and immerse myself in the wonder of this adventure all over again!

2. Joker (Todd Philips, October 4th, 2019, UK)

I have to admit, while initially I was very interested in this new iteration of Joker purely on a general movie-goer level, it was maintained and gradually piqued as time went on largely due to everyone talking about it so much. The sheer amount of hype and anticipation this announcement has managed to create is baffling. Every film coverage outlet, magazine, blog was discussing it. And maybe it’s just that I follow a lot of superhero genre loving people and maybe the idea of this film, in fact, doesn’t concern the general viewer as much, still it has kept many eagerly waiting. The thing that gives it an edge, though, is the fact that this is not simply going to be your general superhero action blockbuster but rather an intense psychological drama reflecting on certain societal issues applied to a familiar mythology. The character everyone knows as a rival to Batman here seems to be a troubled man, beaten down literally, as well as emotionally due to social injustice and his own mental complications. Therefore, this film will probably not rely on epic showdowns and comic tropes as much but actually will give the concept of an ‘origin story’ a different meaning. It’s exciting that DC took it upon themselves to make a bold and creatively charged version of their beloved character, and with Joaquin Phoenix as the lead and Todd Philips as director I think they can be confident about their vision. Whether it is going to be received well or not, that’s the question. While it did already receive heaps of acclaim, including the Golden Lion in the Venice Film Festival, the early audience reviews are quite widely mixed. Nonetheless, it is very intriguing. I have to say, it’s shaping out to be one of those films, and performances, in particular, that have the ability to stay in the minds of the viewers long after. Not long to wait now and we’ll finally see if it lives up to what it set out for. ‘Cause let me tell you, the standard’s high, for sure.

Knives Out (Rian Johnson, November 29th, 2019, UK)

For the longest, this film and Joker were up to par for the number one place on my list of the most awaited movies of the rest of year. Every trailer amped up the excitement so much more and, ultimately, when I felt that I could’t stop thinking about Knives Out, counting days ‘till it’s release, I knew which one has won me over. No surprise, though. I absolutely love whodunnits!!! There’s just a certain thrill to a mystery or a detective style film that cannot be found anywhere else. There’s always so much room for exploration of characters and narratives and the story can take so many directions. If a screenplay for a murder mystery is done right, and all the twists and turns are unexpected and smartly placed, it’s just the best. I also love the interactive aspect of it. Even though I know I can’t change the way it all plays out, I have the ability to have my own reasoning and conclusions that I can apply in my head as the events role out. So with this film I was instantly hooked. Chris Evans’ attachment to the project definitely helped me discover it, though. I’m a huge fan of his and I was curious already to see what kind of role he is about to take on next after the culmination of his journey as Captain America in the MCU. Since I find him to be a very intelligent actor, I think I can trust his judgement on what kind of material is interesting to explore and what kind of people are worth collaborating with. That in mind, this cast looks absolutely incredible! Some really experienced ‘veterans’ in Toni College, Jamie Lee Curtis, Christopher Plummer, a big big star Daniel Craig, as well as some less known but promising names such as Ana de Armas and Katherine Langford, for example. And that’s just to name a few… Wow. With the nature and genre of the story, given it’s a suspenseful mystery but with a comedic flare, a good ensemble of performers is crucial, as is their dynamic. Hopefully, writer/director Rian Johnson has managed to create a rich, powerful and unique film that will entertain and won’t disappoint. I do believe that will be the case, as that much talent on screen and behind the camera is usually a recipe for success.

If not for the short list… I have so many other films that have caught my attention and that will absolutely have me in the cinema seat on opening night. These include Bombshell whose team is worth an applause for that amazingly well put teaser trailer; Just Mercy, for a true story that will no doubt have an impact on me and for what seem to be astounding performances by the lead cast; and Marriage Story because it will make me cry… Stories about family, love and relationships always hit close home, this one might break my heart but there’s pain and joy in life all the time, I look forward to seeing the often difficult reality reflected on screen.

[astorytellerforthatgirl]

Dei’s Treasured Trophy

Author’s Note: This is my entry to the English Division and Short Story Category of the 68th Don Carlos Palanca Memorial Awards for Literature. This is a draft story years ago but I cannot proceed with it yet because I am looking for a strong character profile. Until this early 2018, I decided Maine is the fitting inspiration for that character. She knew I will join Palanca as I told her the first time we met. Afterwards in our second meeting, I showed her the receiving copy of my submitted entry. I now wholeheartedly share this story to you after the committee announce the winners. Enjoy reading! - RJ T. Vargas

Synopsis

          To describe Dei, she is a hardworking freelance worker, responsible student, and loving daughter and sister. She balances her time between her all responsibilities no matter how busy she is. Out of all her priorities, taking care of Rionne, her younger sister, is the most important one for her,

           A memory from last year still haunts Dei for the fear it may happen again. She does everything she can to prevent it. She shall do whatever it takes to protect everyone she cares for, most especially her sister.

           Fear is a deceptive emotion Dei has to deal with. Either it may immobilize her from carrying out the things she must accomplish, or it can turn into a driving force for her to gain the strength she needs to overcome the challenges.

          This short story is an attempt to raise more awareness and fight against the stigma about an issue. Dei’s Treasured Trophy shares values about resilience, self-love, friendship, family ties, and faith in God.

Dei’s Treasured Trophy

           “CONGRATS for your great performance in Olympics Ann! Ibang level ka na talaga!!!!THAT’S MY BESTFRIEND!!!!Share your stories about your games and experiences sa bonding natin ha. I miiiiiss youuuu! Let’s catch up soon please!”

           Dei types her message and presses the enter button. Last time she saw her was a week before her month-long training in South Korea then Ann flew to Hong Kong for the competition. Her best friend replies, “As soon as we get back home, promise! See you soon Dei! (^_^)”. It��s amusing how Ann still adds emoticon even when most online users choose emoji nowadays.

           She switches the tab from Facebook to a WordPress login page. She finishes her deadline for one of her regular freelance projects. Her blog posts about the top 10 most romantic Coldplay songs is due tonight. Dei transfers her revised draft and saves it there for pending review of her editor. It was hard for her choosing her top 10, as she loves all their songs. Also, she is a huge fangirl of Chris Martin. ”Iba talaga feels ng mga kanta nila!Oh I hope Coldplay comes back here…” she mutters to herself.

           She then opens Audacity and polishes an audio file by reducing the noise background and adding more echo. No matter how confusing the uploaded files are in the track control panel, she handles everything like a pro. She saves and sends the audio file to a client who hired her as a voice-over talent.

           Her spare time for this month is more than what she scheduled first. Dei wonders if she can do an additional freelance project. She opens her Facebook and scrolls down to see posts in a group of local freelance talents searching for auditions and casting. She finds a workshop offered by an entertainment agency. A director Dei will never forget in her life will conduct it. She has been a talent appearing in commercials and TV shows. Several months has passed but she still remembers his response after she told that director she is just an extra in those projects.

           He asked her experiences because he mentioned her familiarity despite her lack of self-confidence. The director likes her wit and spontaneity in an impromptu comedic act she did for her audition.

           “Anak, support ang tawag sayo, hindi extra.Those scenes need your role as a support to be complete. I see a future phenomenal star in you. We can further improve your talents once you believe more in yourself.”

           He was willing to train her under his talent pool. Dei wanted to say yes and commit that time because it is one of her dreams to enter the showbiz industry. However, she is still an incoming fourth year student in college that time around. She cannot afford to fill her schedule more than what she can do and what her time allows.

            “Well, I cannot get sad over a missed opportunity. Priorities first!”She browses her own YouTube channel. It is one of her so-called happy distraction when she feels down or is about to feel that way.It has been a long time since her last posted video.

             “I miss sharing more videos to my ten supporters.” She laughs loudly.

             Dei positions her camera with the tripod. She acts like a model in front of the mirror. Her full bangs almost covers her expressive dark brown eyes. Her black hair is an inch past her shoulders. She thinks of dropping by a salon to trim her hair next week. Her brown and fair complexion epitomizes a morena Filipina beauty. Her sunshine smile shows her excitement for her next video.

             She tries to mimic first different artists’ voices and body languages. Then, she impersonates Jessa Zaragosa, Shakira, and Jaya as she sings their songs. Next, she records herself dubsmashing to Kris Aquino’s lines. She gets distracted whenever she laughs hard so she pauses first the recording. Dei decides to record everything in one go for each personality. It takes a longer time for her editing the raw videos because she finds herself funny for her all out on-cam performances. Indeed, she loves making people happy and this is one of her unique ways to do so.

             In the middle of uploading her newest video in YouTube, Skype notifies an incoming call.Their parents calling her. Dei expects this call as their parents do it every day.

             She answers the call and she’s thrilled to tell them a good news. Her parents are smiling as she sees them on her laptop screen despite of their tired and drowsy eyes. She kisses and touches them through the screen. “Hello po Ma! Pa! I love you so much! I miss you po!” She wishes to take away their tiredness with her simple gestures.

            “Dei, how is our ever responsible daughter? Do you even have enough hours of sleep? Do you rest between your busy schedule? Sobrang dami mo kasing ginagawa.” Her mother cannot hide her concerns.

             “Of course po Ma! I need my beauty rest so I should not be stressed with school and my freelance projects.Di po ako pwede magmukhang haggard!”

              Her father laughs as if he did not laugh for a long time. “We feel like we are with you whenever we video call. By the way Dei, what is the good news you want share? You chat about it last time.”

              She tells them to wait for a minute. Returning with a small trophy, she exclaims “Here it is Pa, Ma! This is from our college department. I can’t believe I am one of the three President’s Lister! They gave a trophy to each of us. Umaasenso di ba? Di na lang po sila pa-certificate.They said not every semester they have President’s Lister so this is how they celebrate it with us. This is my treasured trophy!”

             “We are so proud of you sweetie! Keep up the good work! This is why we support your freelance projects. You know your priorities well, Dei. You told us before about how difficult are your school works. Here you are now! Your sacrifices are rewarded! Ang galing at sipag mo talaga!” her father beams with much pride.

             “Thank you po, Ma!Pa!Uhmmm…May I…May I ask something?”

           “What is it?”

           “I know I asked this last time but…when will you come back home? If only Dubai is just a tricycle away, I and Rionne will visit you there every day.”

           “Dei…” her mother tries to smile as she holds back her tears. If only they have a choice, the couple will stay with their two daughters. “Dei, we love to be there with you and Rionne but we still need to save more. We used almost all our savings for the medical bill of your sister last year. We want to go home too, believe us…but I hope you will understand.”

           “How is your little sister doing recently? Do not forget her medicines. Ask her if she feels anything wrong and tell us if you need more help. We will do everything to prevent what happened last year, whatever it takes.” Her father gives her assurance.

           “I always take care of Rionne, Ma, Pa. Don’t worry about her. She knows when she must take her medicines. I don’t even need to remind her about it. She is doing well in school. Her grades are within line of nine. Her weekends are filled with either her extra-curricular activities or bonding with her friends or with me. She enjoys doing everything! I’m happy hearing stories of how her day went. If she feels bad about something, she opens up to me. She fulfills her promise of not keeping any secret from me. If only she knows you will call this time, she will not attend her meeting in Student Supreme Council. She misses you too so much! ”She tells them honestly about her sister’s current situation.

           “Thank you for taking care of her Dei no matter how busy you are. You always make time for people you love. We are so blessed to have you and Rionne as our daughters.”

           They talk for hours until she did not notice her video is uploaded in YouTube.

                                                          ***

           “Every time you look at that trophy, Ate, you’re very proud of that achievement and clean the dusts off every week. Ang cute mo! Hahahaha!” She teases her Ate Dei when she sees her cleaning in their living room. She offers to help her but her older sister just requested her to wash the dishes, into which she follows. Rionne enters her room after her sister cleaned their entire house. She wants to finish her school works and other tasks in her extra-curricular activities.

           After Dei cleaned, she knocks at her sister’s room. Rionne says she can come in. She sees her sister with her books, handouts, and other paperwork while she keeps away the seven book-series about themagical journey of the chosen boy to defeat a dark lord. Her Ate Dei gave that book set.

           Rionne sits down and focuses on her laptop. Maybe she is finishing a schoolwork, as Dei thought. She bought the book set last week and her sister already told her the summary of every book this morning. Her sister even delivered lines, word by word, from her favorite scenes and characters.

            “How did she finish it all? Didn’t she just prepared and competed for her inter-school general knowledge quiz bee last week?” Dei cannot imagine how her sister, a junior highschool student, balances her time as if she is a working adult.  Then, she recalls Rionne’s doctor told her before it is normal for her to excel in multitasking, a common ground of those with her medical condition. Dr. Mejia even emphasized they are natural achievers and majority of them have high IQ but they need to improve more their EQ.

             Suddenly, A loud hit distracts Dei.

             Rionne hits her table hard with her first that it surprises them both. She is used seeing her sister blaming herself with her mistakes but the pains never lessen every time it happens. When things do not go well according to what she expects, she do things impulsively which she regrets later on. Dei wishes her words and hugs are more than enough to remind her sister that her worth is more than all her achievements combined and every setbacks she encountered. Deiloves Rionne so much for who her sister is.

             Dei puts away her other books. Her sister’s collection includes fictions from contemporary Filipino writers like Grace Chong, Merlinda Bobis, Miguel Syjuco, Cristina Pantoja-Hidalgo, Dean Francis Alfar and from Filipino classic writers such as Jose Garcia Villa, Nick Joaquin, Liwayway Arceo, and Lualhati Bautista. She also has non-fiction books about self-help and financial literacy from Bro. Bo Sanchez and Chinkee Tan, respectively.

           Dei scans her sister’s laptop and notices she just posted a question in a Facebook group about photography and another opened tab is Venus Raj’s testimonial about her Christian faith. Her sister is very open to her after what happened last year. It was her doctor’s advice to read her online posts. It was their parents’ request to see her browsing history given if her sister shows unusual behavior. She opens a recently closed tab, sees an email, asks permission if she can read it. Her sister nods. The email is a short notice of thanking Rionne for her participation but they regret to say her sister did not make it in the cut-off for their school’s final selection of their debate team. Now she understands what made her hit her fist so hard on the table.

            Dei looks over the room trying to find anything, which can help her, to make her sister feel better. She stops at the books she bought for Rionne. It is her sister’s first set of books from a foreign author. Her sister placed them at the center space of the cabinet turned to a mini-library. She can’t forget how much her sister loves to have it but the complete set is too expensive for her. It was just like yesterday when her sister jumped out of joy when she gave it on her birthday.

             For Rionne, she saw again how generous and thoughtful her Ate Dei is. For Dei, she bought the books not only because her sister wants it but because she always sees the magic in her as she excels in things she does because of her passion. She sees the magic in her heart because she never loses her sincerity, goodness, and faith in God…despite of everything that happened last year. 

             “Last year? Why am I still thinking about it Wala na yun! Rionne is okay now. We are happy now...”she tries to pacify her own fears.

              She approaches her sister slowly. She needs to make sure first her sister wants to be hugged. At times, Rionne pushes her away not because her sister likes to do it but because it is one of the impulsive reactions of her extreme mood swings brought by her medical condition.

              Dei shakes her head and reminds herself,“I must pull myself together! This is not the time to be scared! Rionne needs me more now!”

               She needs to be strong for her because they do not have anyone with them. She needs to be strong because the situation will get worse if she gives up. She needs to be strong because she loves her so much, she cannot bear to see her sister getting more hurt and angry.

              She pats her sister’s head gently. Her sister looks at her and hugs her so tight. Rionne cries on her older sister’s shoulder. That is her haven and refuge. It is and always her Ate Dei who comforts her immediately in times she crashes down in her own thoughts and feelings. She keeps on reminding her sister she is doing her best. She is very gentle to Rionne. Slowly, her sister calms down and stops overthinking.

              Unexpectedly, her sister breaks the silence and changes her tone. “You are so sweet and kind Ate! Whoever you choose among those guys who tries to win your heart, he’s such a lucky one!”

              Dei laughs and pinches her sister’s cheek. “Dear, your Ate Dei has a lot of priorities and lovelife is not included in it! Hahahaha! Pinapamigay mo na ba ako? I am happy with my life now and I do not need a guy to complete me. Bonus na lang pag may ibigay si Lord.I am happy chasing my dreams. I am happy with our family. I am happy you are here with me, Rionne.”

              “The way you call my name is my favorite unlike how everyone else calls me, Ate. It rhymes with lion and your pronunciation feels like I am a royalty.” her sister chuckles.

              “Out of everything I said, that’s the only thing you heard? Hahaha!” Dei giggles and hugs her sister. She loves her so much. She realizes she loves her more after she wasn’t home last year for two months. Her giggles and smiles turned to a neutral expression. Fear crawls in her heart. If only it was that easy to forget why Rionne was away from them for two months... She will make sure it will not happen again. She will cross all the oceans just for her sister. 

              “Lord, please make that the last time…Do not ever let it happen again…”Dei prays as she pleads in her deepest thoughts.

                                                        ****

           “That is the end of my report. Do you have questions? Any clarification?” Dei tries to stand confidently in front of their class. Her blockmates do not have a single clue about her cold and uneasy hands. She prepared enough for this report but she is not sure if she did well. She believes she gave her best but this report is different because their professor has a higher standard compared to what she was used to with her other subjects.

           Dei feels awkward with the deafening silence in their room that she can hear the AC unit and ticking of the room’s clock. Her blockmates are active participants but she feels they are too timid now to share their ideas. She clears her throat and asks instead about their personal goal in relation to self-actualization according to Abraham Maslow’s theory, which was about her report. One of them raises his hand and shares his ultimate dream to serve his hometown by becoming a successful businessman. She nods and smiles as he answers because she admires his generosity.

           ”Parang autistic talaga yang nagmamarunong na yan. Ang bipolar ng mood.”Dei hears someone from the front row whispers to his seatmate. It gets into her nerve but she maintains her composure. She says thank you to her classmate who shared his personal goal.

           “Guys, I want to share you one of my personal goals. I want to be a vocal and active mental health advocate with my own foundation to raise awareness about this issue and fight the stigma in our country. I dream that one day, no one will be scared to consult experts as people might say they are going crazy. I want to see that day we will validate everyone’s feelings to prevent triggering them. We may start doing this by avoid using words like autistic and bipolar to mock and insult those we don’t like.Please, let’s be more sensible in our words.” She says it all firmly without mentioning about her blockmates whom she heard those words from.

           “Ms. Dei Archangel, I like how you delivered your report even if you did not discuss further the other details. Nevertheless, what I like most from what I heard today is your mental health advocacy. Make that dream of having your own foundation into a reality.”their professor commends Dei.

                                                        ****

              Rionne storms in their living room as soon as she comes home from school. Dei hears her ranting about the periodical exam she failed in the subject she struggles most after her adviser talks to her privately. Her sister expects a low score but not below the passing mark. In her entire student life, that is her first time to fail an exam. It shocks Rionne because she did not see it coming.

              She sees her sister’s eyes turn berserk, as if this is another person and not her sister at all.She recalls all the painful words she heard long before. Her sister curses her classmates and yells angrily how insensitive they are for smart-shaming her and calling her names.

               Rionne becomes hysterical and impulsive. Dei sees how she grabs that trophy and flower vase. She tries to stop her but her sister throws both on the wall. Its sharp pieces scratches and wounds her. She runs toward her sister to prevent hurting herself more. Her sister shouts the words she is scared to hear the most.

              “I AM A FAILURE!!!! I AM USELESS!!!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!!!”

              Rionne becomes uncontrollable. Dei did not feel her tears flowing when she sees her sister gets hurt, scared, confused, and mad at herself.She wipes her tears and tries to calm down her sister in her arms. She hugs her tightly even if her sister pushes her away. She remains strong even if she is hurting, physically, emotionally, and mentally. She endures it all rather than not to see her sister again in their home for two months.This is the non-negotiable promise she plants in her heart and she will never compromise it no matter what happens.

              In the middle of pacifying Rionne, painful memories last year floods back in Dei’s mind. It was as if everything happened yesterday. She remembers clearly how her sister broke down because a friend she trusts backstabbed her. They cannot calm her down easily.

              She started to hurt herself. Minutes later, she punches her parents and Dei. For the next hours, she tried to rush out of their front door. She keeps on shouting she wants to die. She wanted to end it all by running towards a fast moving car. Their father hugged her tight despite all the struggles she is doing to fight against him.

              For Dei, it felt like an eternal torture to see her family that way until her sister tires herself. Their mother caresses her hair and hugs her until she calms down. Dei kisses her on the forehead and says, “Everything will be alright dear Rionne. Sleep and rest first.”

              Their parents contacted her psychiatrist. Dei saw how her parents cried and hugged each other as if the world turned its back on them. She asked why and what did he said, but they did not answer her.

              “Dei, we will go to Dr. Mejia. He wants to see Rionne as soon as possible.” Endless questions and thoughts run across Dei’s mind but she cannot do anything except to oblige to her parents’ instruction.They waited for her to wake up and give her the first aid medication the psychiatrist recommended to help stabilize her mood in a breakdown episode.

              Inside the clinic of Dr. Mejia, he talked first to her sister. It went for more than 30 minutes perhaps, as Dei estimated. She was outside and became more impatient while waiting. She stood up and walked back and forth in the hallway. She got more anxious because the regular check-ups with Rionne’s psychiatrist do not usually take this long.He then asked for their parents in the clinic. Dei wanted to barge in that door separating her and her sister whom she feels is terrified silently. She wanted to know everything. What treatment will the psychiatrist give her this time around?

              At last, after more than an hour of waiting, Dr. Mejia asked Dei to be inside the clinic and sit beside Rionne. Her sister hugged her, turned to her doctor, and said, “Can my Ate be with me there? If she is not allowed to stay with me, then please let her visit me at least every week…” Tears formed in her sister’s eyes.

              Confusion, shock, fear, and betrayal---Dei does not know what exactly she feels at that moment or if she feels everything at once.She loses her temper and firmly said, “Where will you bring her??!! What is going here??!! CAN YOU JUST PLEASE TELL ME EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW??!!” Her emotions took its toll on Dei. If there is something worst to happen, then she needs to know it right at that moment.

              Dr. Mejia waited for her to calm down. When she came back to her senses, he explained in details. “Dei, we need to treat Rionne in a psychiatric facility. Her bipolar disorder becomes full blown with the recent event that triggered her. I cannot guarantee how long she must stay there because it will depend if she responds better to the treatments we will give. We need to do this to observe her round the clock to provide her immediate attention. Do not worry, the facility has trained and kind staffs. They have different worthwhile activities on a daily, weekly, and monthly routine. Your family can visit her regularly within the hours they allow. If you have questions and concerns, you may ask now or contact me in the mobile number I gave your parents.”

              Dei’s heart sank. The thought of not seeing Rionne for a day already worried and scared her to death. Who will take care of her? Can they handle her if she has her episodes of breaking down and impulsiveness? Will they know if she is depressed like how she feels her sister just by looking at her in one glance? Do they have the patience to comfort her in her worst and darkest days? She wanted to refuse. She wanted to shout and say they will just bring her home.

              However, the harsh reality slapped her in that moment---their family cannot take care of Rionne’s worsening mental health condition. That was why her psychiatrist recommended admitting her there as the best or probably the only option left for them.

              Dr. Mejia continued, “People with bipolar disorder are a gift for everyone but they see themselves as a curse for themselves. Their extreme mood swings can affect their normal lives which is why we need to balance it. They love sharing their time and efforts doing things they love and for the people they love.” He looked at her sister and smiled, “In most cases, those diagnosed like Rionne are achievers. They want to aim high every time and make people happy. Failing on that exam hurts her so much and triggers her condition, so she feels it is the end for her. The bright side though is even if there is no known and proven cure yet for bipolar disorder, treatments are available for them to live a normal and productive life. Stories of successful personalities with bipolar disorder such as Demi Lovato inspires her.

              “Dei, Rionne aims to have a balance life. She believes she will overcome her mental health challenges. Let us give your sister a fighting chance.” Dr. Mejia said those words as if it was so easy for her to just let go of her sister and allow other people to take care of her. It did not sit well with her. She wants to refuse but she cannot think of a better way to treat her sister.

              Rionne hits her chest lighty with her fist. “Ako pa! I can do that Ate Dei! Don’t worry about me. I will behave there so I can go home soon and we can bond again!”

              Dei did not hold back her tears anymore. She cried while smiling and hugged her sister. She feels ashamed of herself for not trusting Rionne enough. If her sister is this strong, then she needs to be stronger too for her. She agreed to the option after seeing the courage in her sister’s eyes.

              For the following days, it has been a regular routine for their family to visit her every day. On weekdays, they went there together in the psychiatric facility. Their parents wanted to see her every single day but their free time is only after their office hours. The visiting hours in the psychiatric facility only allow from morning to afternoon.

              On weekdays, Dei went there after her classes. On other days, she was too busy with her school works but she still found ways to visit even if she needs to leave earlier from the psychiatric facility.

              Rionne shared different stories based on what happened that day. She told Dei excitedly how it was easy to be friends with most of the patients in the psychiatric facility. She hated how she must drink her medicines every morning, lunch, and night. She enjoyed the activities too like outdoor and board games, arts and crafts sessions, acting workshop, dancing lessons. On some days, she ran towards Dei crying because she said other patients inside shouted at her and they want to pick a fight against her. There are times too when she apologized to her Ate Dei for not behaving well that is why the staff need to isolate her from the other patients until she calms down.

              “When will I come home Ate? I miss papa, mama, and of course, I miss you so much!” Not a single day that passed whenever Dei visits, Rionne asked this question with much longing and impatience.

              “Soon…just promise me you are behaving every day here so Dr. Mejia can see you are ready to come home soon.” Dei smiled at her with much love and assurance.

              In all her visits to Rionne, she was all smiles in listening to her story. She was thrilled too sharing her own experiences, as if catching up with a friend she did not see for years even if she visits her sister every day. Whenever the staff reminded them visiting hours is over, her sister always asked for just few seconds to hug her and tell her she loves her Ate Dei so much. She hugs her back and sees her going inside. A thick metal door closed wherein she feels the patients are like are prisoners. One of the staff explained to her psychiatric facilities need that design for the doors in case anyone breaks down and tries to escape. The staff lets visitors watch the patients through the CCTV monitor. Dei refused to look at it because she does not want to have a memory of her sister inside the psychiatric facility.

              As soon as she left the main gate of the psychiatric facility, she cried silently. She failed containing those overwhelming emotions even if she was already used to that exhausting set-up. She did not know anymore at that moment if those tears are out of longing, pain, regret, or hatred at herself for not protecting her sister enough. What she was sure of is she will never give up because Rionne herself is fighting with all she got. Indeed, Dei is the greatest pretender whenever she visits her sister.

              This routine went on for days, weeks, and two months.

              Finally, Dr. Mejia called them. He called them every week to give update about their youngest daughter’s progress and lapses. That time though, was a different phone call. “Mr. and Mrs. Archangel, Rionne responded positively to the treatments we gave her. In fact, I earlier estimated she might stay for at least six months. Her determination to be well and desire to come back home sped up her treatment. You may settle her bill in the psychiatric facility so she will be discharged within this day.”

              Their family went hurriedly to the psychiatric facility to tell the good news to Rionne. Their parents went to the billing department. Few minutes later, they came out with worried look on their faces. The bill cost nearly half a million pesos. They can pay for the amount but that means they have to sell their hard-earned property in the province of their parents and use their savings. Without any hesitation, they started calling their friends who said before they wanted to buy that property.

              “Dei, please stay here first. We will find means to get Rionne out and bring her home within this day.” Their parents gave her assurance.

              Dei went to her sister first while waiting for their parents. “Uuwi na tayo mamaya! You are brave and strong Rionne! Dr. Mejia said many good things about you. Ate is so proud of you, dear!”

              “What did I tell you Ate! Ako pa! At last, I can come home!! Yaaaay!! We will watch movies, cook meals, bike around the village, or just sleep all day long! Hahaha!” Her sister hugged her so tight she felt she was about to be squeezed.

              “I promise you Ate Dei, I won’t come back here again as patient. If I will return here, I want to help others enduring bipolar disorder too like me.” Rionne beamed with much confidence.

              “Yes, you will not come back in a psychiatric facility again…”

              The medical bill almost left their family with nothing in their finances. This pushed her parents to accept the offer to work in Dubai so they won’t struggle in their everyday needs. This is also the same reason Dei works as a freelancer in her spare time from school. Despite all the challenges they experienced last year, it made their family ties closer. She loves the improvements from her sister after the treatments inside the psychiatric facility.

              Never did Dei anticipate her sister might have another breakdown.

              She continues to pacify her sister after she shakes off those memories she do not want to happen again.“Sssshhhh, everything will be alright dear Rionne. You promised me something last year…You will not come back there again. You can cry. You can tell me everything. Just ple--- just please don’t hurt yourself. I love you…Ate Dei loves you so much and I will do everything to take care and protect you…even from yourself.” She whispered lovingly to her while her voice cracks.

              Dei starts humming Rionne’s favorite song. It was from a popular animated movie about a Greek demigod’s journey as he believes he can go far in reaching his dreams.Few minutes later, her sister stops struggling. She gives her the medicine into which she takes in. She sings the lyrics and she looks at her.Her sister hugs her and cries in her shoulder. She is too tired so they sat on the couch as she continues to singing. After the song, Rionne sleeps comfortably in her Ate Dei’s caring hug. She wraps her sister’s right arm on her shoulder and supports her upper body. She brings her sister to her room in that position and tucks her to bed.

              “I love you talaga Ate Dei...”Rionne murmurs in her sleep.

              Dei brushes her hair and sings her a lullaby. “Thank God she calms down.”She thought. She treats her sister’s scratches and tiny wounds from breaking the vase and trophy with their first aid kit. Her mother reminds her to prepare that in case something happens. She wishes before she will only use it on herself, and not on her sister.She is too tired as well so she tucks herself beside her sister in bed, hugs Rionne gently, and closes her eyes to rest.

              It has been a long day for Dei.

                                                           *****

              “I always need to be strong enough for them but I feel like I am about to give up soon…” Dei types these words and clicks the tweet button.

              21 people follows her private account. All of them are her close friends. She trust them with her life. Although, most of them are inactive in Twitter so Dei finds it more comfortable releasing her thoughts in that social media platform.

              What Dei doesn’t know is Ann sees that tweet after 5 hours. Her bestfriend replies to her tweet and sends her a direct message in Twitter. Ann feels anxious just waiting for her to reply to she calls her through mobile phone. Dei stares blankly at her phone. Her athletic best friend has fast reflexes in sports and sharp intuition in connecting to friends. She knows at that point Ann would want to ask if she is okay and what is happening. She wants to pick up her phone and talk to her but she does not know what to say at all. She just turns off her phone and stares blankly at the ceiling of her room, contemplating about her thoughts and emotions.

              Suddenly, she feels her tears flowing but she is not sobbing. Her neutral expression seems to show her mind and heart made her numb.

              Did she become too strong that she did not notice her tears anymore? She doesn’t know but she is certain she wants to fight more.

              She needs this time all alone for herself, even just for while. She does not track of the time because at this moment, she wants to clear her mind to gather her strength and focus again.

              When her emotions subside a bit, Dei comes out of her room to prepare their dinner. She likes cooking more than Rionne does. Even though her sister does not cook much, she always help her in kitchen. She checks the ingredients. Some are not enough so she sends her sister to an errand to buy some ingredients for their meal.

              Not long after her sister went out, she hears repeated doorbells. She thinks may be Rionne gets confuse with the list she gave and will ask about it.

              She opens the gate and sees Ann. “We are supposed to meet next week with our catch-up lunch but you made me so worried today! You aren’t replying to my texts and chats. You didn’t answer my calls until your phone becomes attended. I called your landline and it was Rionne who answered. She said you were in your room this whole afternoon. I told her not to mention to you I will visit tonight.” Ann catches her breath after talking too fast.“We’re best friends! Why did you not tell it to me? Since when did you start feeling that way…I mean like what you tweeted?” Ann motions they enter their home to talk about it. Her best friend lets her sit on the couch first.

              Ann softens her voice and with a more gentle tone, she says, “Ano bang nangyari? How can I help you? I know there is something wrong the moment I saw your tweet…If you are not yet ready to share it now, we can watch movies here with these DVD copies I bought.”

              Dei sighs and turns to her. Her best friend sees her gloomy eyes. “I need to fight back. I must be stronger but it feels like I am running out of strength to fight anymore. Nakakapagod pala.It feels like I am about to lose myself even if I still want to fight.” She admits.

              She badly wants to cry but she feels her heart toughened from everything she went through especially in taking care of Rionne. It is nearly a year now since she looks after her sister all by herself. Their parents hesitated to go to Dubai but she assured them she could protect her sister.

              Ann lets her best friend vent out all her thoughts to her. They are childhood friends and they went to the same school until they graduated from high school. Dei’s university gave her a 50% scholarship. Ann chose her current university because the table tennis and other sports programs impressed her. Even if they are not from the same university now in college, their friendship remains strong as ever. They even consider themselves twin sisters by heart. Ann knows something is bothering her best friend even before she posted that tweet. She listens intently to her. Her best friend looks at her as if Dei is waiting to hear an advice or words of encouragement.

              “Before I reached my dream of playing in Olympics, I experienced failures, rejections, disappointments, and setbacks.” Ann clears her throat as she feels her voice becomes shaky.“I even questioned myself that even I love playing table tennis, can I still continue? I realize Dei you cannot really stop from doing what you love. You just need to rest first, gather strength, and pray every day to focus on your goals.”

              Ann sees the photo of their family beside their landline phone. She takes it and shows to her best friend. “I know how much you love you love your family. Let that love become the driving force for you to continue whatever happens. All of us, your friends, are always here to remind you how strong you are but sometimes you need to take a break and rest first. I cannot imagine how difficult your responsibilities are but I know you can do them all.

              “I believe in you. God trusts you so much and He never gives more than what you can bear.” Ann smiles and gives her the photo. Dei hugs her and smiles. No need for her to cry more after she feels lighter in her heart.

              “Thank you Ann for always telling me the words I need to hear at the most crucial times. Para kang si Doc Gia na level kung makapag-advice.” Dei laughs heartily. Thank God, she has Ann as her best friend.

                                                        ****

              Dei is uncomfortable with Rionne’s silence. Her sister seems to be thinking too much again. She calls her attention.

              “Dear, what’s wrong? I know when you are overthinking. I know when you are uncomfortable with anything. What is our promise? No secrets, right?”

              “I can’t really hide anything from you Ate…I am sorry for breaking your favorite trophy when I---“

              Dei is relieved. At least, Rionne worries over a less important thing. She stops what her sister is saying as she pulls her closer and looks into her eyes.

              “That trophy is nothing compared to the treasured trophy I have. Do you know what it is?” Rionne shakes her head gesturing no as a response. Dei smiles widely, pats her head, and hugs her tightly.

              “Seeing you live your life in the best way you can. You accept your flaws and turn it into your strength. That is Ate Dei’s treasured trophy, Rionne. That is my true trophy. I couldn’t be more proud of you!”

              “I will fulfill all my dreams and I will always say thank you for everything Ate Dei. Watch me shine and fly!”

                                                                  ****

[hotelbones]

Deconstructing New Games

There are a lot of misconceptions about The New Games Movement it seems. Everyone that talks or writes about the time knows that there is a history of the games being somehow formed to protest the Vietnam war and its military technologies, but really the specifics of the movement always seem to be changing with a new person’s story.

Here are some of the tellings of The New Games Movement:

From The New Games Book (1976)

“When Stewart investigated how and why people play together, he saw in games the potential for another such tool. ‘Changing games seemed to me to be a useful thing to do, a way to be, a set of meta-strategies to learn.’”

“I felt that American combat was being pushed as far away as the planet would allow, becoming abstract and remote. It suggested to me that there was something wrong with our conflict forms here.”

In 1966 the War Resisters League at San Francisco State College asked Stewart to stage a public event with them. Stewart created an activity that would let the players understand war and appreciate it by experiencing the source of it themselves. He called the event World War IV.

In 1966 pacifists and war protesters were opposed to warfare in any form and repressed their own feelings of anger. Stewart wanted to create a game that allowed them to express that aggression. Stewart created the game Slaughter to create an intense experience to release the aggression.

This is also where Stewart brought the Earthball from his experience in Army bootcamp training.

“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who want to push the Earth over the row of flags at that end of the field, and those who want to push it over the fence at the other end. Go to it.”

From these experiences Stewart conceived of “softwar”, the idea that people could design their conflicts to suit everyone’s needs. Stewart designed softwar as conflict which is regionalized, refereed, and cushioned. Which he made a point of making similar to sports.

George Leonard was interested in “creative play”: the experience of a player placed in an open environment and encouraged to use their imagination to devise new play forms.

George: “Sports represent a key joint in any society. How we play the game may be more important than we imagine, for it signifies nothing less than our way of being in the world.”

George and Stewart presented their new games and theories at the Esalen Sports Center in 1973

Around this time Pat Farrington joined the New Games movement and created the idea of the “soft touch” inspired by the “softwar”

“Games are not so much a way to compare our abilities as a way to celebrate them.” “I felt by reexamining the basic ideas of play, we could involve families, groups, and individuals in a joyous recreation experience that creates a sense of community and personal expression.”

The New Games tournament was to be held on two consecutive weekends on October 1973 in Gerbode Preserve. The New Games Tournament was the first public event held on the preserve.

The funds for the tournament came from POINT, a non-profit distributing the proceeds from The Whole Earth Catalog.

Anyone who challenged another to a weird event was encouraged.

What came from The New Games movement changed from something of a Vietnam protest into a therapeutic form of playing games that was deemed to therapeutically releasing the aggression from the players.

“The New Games is attempting to bring people into harmony with their environment once again.” As the preserve was left the way it was and people were free to explore the outdoor space.

While the thinking of New Games was not unique to the New Games Movement, it did begin to form as an event after the first New Games Tournament as Pat and Ray began to name themselves as New Games Staff

New Games started to be implemented in government parks as a way to modernize and bring more of the public out. The New Games staff also started going to low income areas to play such as Visitacion Valley in San francisco.

The first New Games Tournament was mostly white, middle aged, men. The second New Games Tournament was designed to bring people from many different backgrounds. The staff worked with various organizations to create more accessibility options such as free buses.

The second New Games Tournament left the New Games Foundation in a $25,000 deficit.

The third New Games tournament was inside of San Francisco and retracted the admission price. Now anyone could join and play without any restriction. From miscellaneous sources:

The New Games Movement wasn’t a collective of people, it was a line of thinking that came out of the 70s. A good example is looking at the Esalen Sports Center in 1973. This center had some people that are repeatedly referenced in relation to the New Games Movement, but it also had a lot of other people who were thinking about similar things such as Michael Murphy (Author of Golf in the Kingdom), football player David Meggyesy, sports coach Bob Kriegel and running coach Mike Spino. The program included a session of yoga-tennis, a demonstration of Murphy’s own version of Frisbee, tai chi and aikido workshops, a talk on the exploration of movement using hula hoops, and several of Stuart Brand’s games: Slaughter and boffing.  (Getting Loose: Lifestyle Consumption in the 1970’s by Sam Binkley)

 “The Esalen revolution paralleled efforts in the Bay Area to come up with recreational forms that were aimed at the recovery of intimacy through games focused on ritual violations of social distance that called on trust, play, and bodily touching , often players who were not familiar with each other. These games infused the countercultural sense of play with a therapeutic project of self-development and learning.” (Getting Loose: Lifestyle Consumption in the 1970’s by Sam Binkley)

“They’ve been called earth games, free games, and liberated games.” – NYT December 5

   “Some of them [the games] are brand new. Some of them have been played for hundreds of years. Many can be played competitively, with lots of opportunity for skill and strategy. Others have no object, really, besides getting people together and enjoying each other.”

“You can choose to compete because competition is fun, not because you’re concerned with who wins. If you’ve all played hard and enjoyed it, then you’ve all won. You can change the rules if you don’t like them. So long as you all agree on what’s fair, you can make the game into whatever you want it to be.” (Community valued over the game)

“New Games is for everyone who wants to play. You sex, age, or size doesn’t determine you ability to have fun. And if everyone keeps in mind that the people are the most important part of the game, then no one has to be afraid of being hurt.”

“All you need are a few of your friends and the desire to celebrate the day with play.“

Looking at some of the New Games:

Tweezli-Whop

In Tweezli-Whop two players pretty much just fill sacks and beat the heck out of each other (whopping) while balancing on a rail.  There is no winning condition with Tweezli-Whop, but maybe it’s easy to imagine a version of this game where people are trying to hit each other off of the rail. But, as with many New Games the rules are malleable and it suggests versions where there is no rail at all. It instead focuses on the whopping, and states that it is a terrific way to work out tensions. This is something that I am suspecting will show through many of the New Games, is ways for bodies to act out body movements and touch that are typically repressed from day to day.

Also its important to note that this game came from Wyoming, as many of the New Games came from a variety of different places. It’s interesting that the New Games took this game from Wyoming and made it one across the US that is now played in classrooms.

       Boffing

This is one that is mentioned most of the times Stewart Brand is mentioned in the New Games Movement. A boffer is a custom made object for Boffing. It looks kind of like a practice fencing tool, however it is custom for boffing. This activity also suggests that players have protective eye and ear guards as well. Then both people start to hit each other with the sword. I imagine this game becomes a bit more strategical as you play with each other; Dodging, parrying and more. After the rules have been described in the book, the original rules that were made for the game are given. This is so that the players understand that base of the game, but don’t feel pressed to follow the original, more strict rules.

In the original rules of Boffing, there are certain points of the body that give points to the players. This adds more built in strategy into the game.

Today, boffing has become the word associated with the physical weaponry battles of LARPing and soft-combat. This also seems to have created a culture of a lot of white dudes, interested in a sort of throw back to medieval historical appreciation. Here is a video that I think says a lot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOyOk6dNuHY

        Schmerltz

Schmerltz is less of a game and more of an object. You take a sponge rubber softball, like one of the cheap ones you get with plastic baseball sets and put it inside of a tube sock. The game here is “Schmerltz Toss” which involves twirling the Schmerltz around underhand and then letting it go when it reaches a critical velocity. Then the person who it is being tossed to has to catch it by the tail. Unlike the normal game of catch, Schmerltz Toss asks the players to put a more intensive physical action into the throw, and with the irregular catching involving a sort of alligator snap it becomes more difficult.

There are two ways the Schmerltz continues to be used today. In camp extracurriculars, and as a continued legacy through Bernie De Koven. When schmerltz is searched on the internet, loads of summer camp websites come up, including missionary training camps as well. However, when finding websites where De Koven continues to keep the Schmerltz legacy going, he is referring to the object for games to continue being soft, instead of being possible hurtful.

Apparently, this was invented by a person named Peter Whitely who I can’t find anything about.

Stand-Off

This New Game does not require any equipment to be played and can be played anywhere. In this game two players stand on a surface the length of their arms and then put their hands together with the goal of pushing each other off. If someone moves their foot or changes their stance then the other player gets a point. If both people lose balance, then no one gets a point. The game is won when one player scores 2/3 points.

This game was said to be brought into form by a guy named Scott Beach and seems to be inspired by Aikido. The 70’s was a period where a lot of eastern culture was being appropriated into western life and thinking. Aikido was even written about by George Leonard who wrote one of the fundamental texts for The New Games Movement, “The Ultimate Athlete”.

           Flying Dutchman

Flying Dutchman is a game based on the ghost ship where two players hold hands and walk around a circle of other people holding hands. At one point, the pair will break through a pair of people. The broken pair will then join hands outside the circle, and the original pair will go inside. Then the two will race around the circle to reach the open spot as a replacement. Whoever is left outside has to break through and repeat again.

Flying Dutchman does what a lot of New Games do. It has the players using aggressive actions but with fun so that there is an understanding no one should be hurt. As players bust through the hands and run around they are getting out all of this pent up energy.

This one also shows up in a bunch of camping instructions. https://boyscouttrail.com/content/game/flying_dutchman-901.asp

     In all of this Bernie seems to fit in as someone theorizing and watching everything happening. Not as the origin of New Games, but simply the only person that kept the spirit and theory alive. In The New Games Book chapters are written that contain games, and the introduction discusses how the movement started, but Bernie has a section in the middle theorizing what he discovered from being a part of the movement.

In some ways, it feels like Bernie sees differently what other people saw in New Games. Where Brand saw a different alignment of thinking, Bernie seemed to believe that the games were pointlessly necessary. That none of it was for a purpose.

“Here we are together, to have fun. We’ve already dispersed with the sense of any other purpose. We have no need to prove anything in particular to anyone in general. We’re not looking to be therapized or taught or charged. We want to celebrate. We want to play.”

Bernie’s theory here, is that there is no goal in what everyone is doing. That everything is without meaning, for the sake of fun and without consequence. But really that feels short-sighted. These games were being played in order to allow the players to reframe their bodies and minds, and to understand parts of the world great. Some of those parts are just…other people. All of this comes through moving, thinking, and touching. Just because there is no commodity produced from play, doesn’t mean that it is pointless.

The other theory that Bernie writes here is about the play community, which he later takes into his book “The Well-Played Game”. This is the group of people that connect with each other through the reframing of the mind into the mindset of the game. This quote particularly recognizes this.

“When we find ourselves on one particular side, its not because we feel that one side is any better. We make separation so we can find a new union.”

   Something that is interesting to see in The New Games Book is instructions to help ease people into the mindset of new games. This is actually something I was a little worried about when designing my own games. How will people want to play them if they aren’t in the right emotional or thinking space?

These instructions give tips on the games from the book that aren’t too involved for the beginning, and how to interact with varying levels of people that may be interested in the games. For example, if someone is standing around watching, just invite them to play

This is cool, because this aligns with the thinking I have about making a game without rules. These new games are just descriptions of how one could play, and are not prescriptive.

 NEW New Games

 These were created by Robert Herbst as a way of creating utopias through the retro lens in order to reframe today.

 “means by which people could realize their own visions of living, shape their environment accordingly.”

 Interesting about New New Games, is that some of them are scores.

And just from having these scores on the same page as the New Games it becomes clear what a score does compared to a game. Scores points out parts of the world to its player directly, and then asks the player to act once they have considered what the score has informed them. Games create rules for the meaning to be completely derived from play, like an engine as Colleen puts it.

[thewidowstanton]

Las Chicas Morales, rolling-globe artists, Gandey’s Circus

Rolling-globe specialists Gina Morales (below left) and her younger sister, Jacquie, are Las Chicas Morales. They were born into a circus family – their father is the Mexican clown Chico Rico – and started learning the skill in 2005 during their school holidays. They began performing full-time after finishing their A-Levels in 2006, and have since performed all over the UK and in Hong Kong as part of The Royalles British Thrill Circus in the TungWah Charity Carnival. Gina and Jacquie are appearing at Butlin’s in Skegness with Gandey’s Circus until 3 September 2017 and will join its autumn tour, which starts on 15 September. They chat to Liz Arratoon.

The Widow Stanton: Tell us about your circus background. Gina Morales: Our dad’s side is the circus side. We are sixth generation circus artists.

Was your dad always a clown? Jacquie Morales: No. As he was growing up his father owned a circus so every year he had to change his act and learn a new one. He’s done flying trapeze, tumbling, the cradle… most acts. Our mum, who is English, trained at Guildford School of Acting and started as a Bluecoat at Pontin’s. She was a dancer and that’s how she met our dad in Mexico. She went over as a dancer to join a large touring circus. When they got together and married, she learnt an aerial act, so she was full-time on the circus with us while we were growing up. Then we started getting a bit older, we couldn’t keep going to different schools every week so when we hit secondary school, she finished her circus career and stayed with us at home. She started teaching foreign languages at primary school and later opened a drama school.

Did your mum take easily to doing an aerial act? Gina: Not that I know of... It helped that she was a dancer so she was already used to training and such... but maybe not that sort of training. It was my dad who taught her and from what they have told us... it was a painful journey! Lots of bruises and aching muscles but she was determined and trained hard so before she knew it she was performing.

What’s her drama school called? Gina: It’s a franchise called Razzamataz Rayleigh West, and she has about 80 students who attend on Saturdays. They then put on shows for parents, and attend local parades and events showcasing their talents in acting, singing and dance.

When you were growing up were you in Mexico? Jacquie: [Laughs] We did a few years in Mexico but basically, we were everywhere the circus was. Quite a lot of it was in England as well.

Do you have any other siblings? Gina: Yes, a younger sister, Rosa. She wants to be in the circus, but she’s 17 and studying at ArtsEd in London at the moment. She loves dancing and singing as well so when she finishes her studies we’ll see what she wants to do afterwards. Jacquie: We all finished college before we started performing. 

Why did you choose to specialise in rolling globes? Gina: It was kind of not a choice exactly. We ended up loving it but to begin with we were just looking for an act that we could do together. Fortunately for us the prop was available; someone was selling it, so it just worked out that this was the act that we ended up doing. Our dad had an idea of how to train us; though he’d never done the act before he had a good understanding of it. We just spent months practising and before we knew it we had it. So yeah, it just fell into place.  

How difficult is it to learn? Jacquie: It took us a good few months to start learning. Obviously the first step is just getting on to the spheres. To get comfortable with it… I mean we still have some trouble now. It depends how the surface is on the floor, it depends if it’s wet. Different conditions make it harder, but then once we leant how to roll on the globes that’s when we started doing the hula-hoops and juggling as well. They were previous skills we had so it was easier for us to put those in.

What is the most important thing for a beginner to know? Jacquie: [Laughs] Not to be scared! Gina: And just go for it! [Laughs]

But it looks scary when you’re going up the ramps; if the one in front rolls back… Jacquie: That’s why Gina is behind me so if I happen to roll back, she always got her eye on my ball. If she sees it coming towards her, she has to roll back as well so I don’t knock her off. [Both laugh]

Was there anything in particular you struggled with? Gina: Just balancing and control. Jacquie: Yes, controlling the actual ball is quite difficult… Gina: ��� the momentum in the feet, because once you’ve grasped the idea that you have to be constantly moving and if you step too hard on one side it will roll from under you. So it’s just grabbing the whole comfort in knowing you have full control of the prop; that took a while. [Laughs]

Are the globes quite heavy? Jacquie: Yeah, they’re made of fibreglass, so they’re solid and they are quite heavy.

Describe your act… Jacquie: We have two spheres and we start by jumping on to them and walking around on them. Gina juggles four rings while balancing on the globe and then we cross juggle six rings together. I then go on to do hula-hoops, which is three hoops on three different parts of my body, while walking around on the globe and now we have… Gina: … a new prop… Jacquie: … it’s a sphere as well, a mirror ball. It’s slightly bigger than the others and has mirrors all over it, so it’s very shiny. That’s what I do the fire hoops on. Gina: And then we go up and down the ramps; a series of three that go up 16 feet high.

It’s a beautiful act! What other skills do you have? Gina: I’m learning the low wire; it’s about a 6.5ft-high wire. It’s not too high but high enough. [Laughs]

Why did you decide to learn that? Gina: In circus you tend to learn more than one act and you do tend to have an interest in other acts, especially when you’ve been performing something for many years. I had this interest when I was about 12 but wasn’t dedicated enough. It was more of a hobby. I didn’t want to commit to training so I forgot about it until a couple of years ago when I saw another performer in England who kind of made me want to get back into it and I started training it again. It’s always good to have a variety of acts.

Sometimes a company would like to keep you for longer and they can’t keep repeating the same acts. So if you have something new you can show them you can stay with the company you like and have something else to offer. It’s always handy to know more than one thing. Jacquie: With our act being so big, sometimes it’s difficult to have the right venue. So if not in a circus, if we get a job opportunity somewhere else and we’re not sure of the location we can offer different things and whatever’s feasible we can do that. I have a double aerial silks act with my financé, Brandon Carrisosa Nava. He’s from Mexico, too.

What sort of shows have you been in? Jacquie: We have been involved in many different styles of shows and productions especially since we began working for Gandey World Class Productions. One of our favourites was Cirque Surreal, which is one of the most different styles of shows we have done. It meant adapting the act to suit a story and fantasy idea, as well as using new music, which we had to listen to many times to get a feel for how we should perform. It was challenging but the end result was amazing!

What do you like about working together? Gina: So many reasons! We can argue – because all siblings argue! – and not hold a grudge. This is useful when rehearsing, training and working together because you need to be able to get over things quickly and get on with the performance. Also Jacquie makes all our costumes and she knows both our likes and dislikes when designing them. I think working together has brought us closer and that’s something all sisters want.

And what do you like/dislike about touring? Jacquie: I love that we get to see the whole world while doing something we love… not many people can do that as part of their job. We also get to work with people from many countries so see many cultures and traditions from everyone around us as well as when working abroad. The downside to touring means seeing less of our mum and younger sister, who, sadly, don't tour all year round with us and can only visit during school holidays. It can be hard to leave places we love and people we meet... I suppose that’s why social media is so handy these days!

Is it good being in the same shows as your dad? Gina: Of course! He is there to help us with all our training, fixes all our props and cooks the best Mexican food; it’s ideal! Dad also likes a good party and is a barbecue king so without him touring would be very different!

You’ve worked a lot for the Gandeys, you must like their shows… Jacquie: Gandeys is one of the biggest companies we have worked for. I love that every show they arrange is different and unique. They have so many great ideas and always try to incorporate modern with traditional, which is the best way to keep all audiences entertained. We are very lucky to work with and for such professional people.

Can you pick a couple of highlights of your career so far? Gina: Well, Hong Kong is 100 per cent the biggest highlight so far, not just since working for Gandeys but from the start of our performance career; four months working and living in such an incredible place was seriously the experience of a lifetime and we have all said we would go back in a heartbeat.

Would you like to have your own circus one day? Jacquie: I’m sure every circus performer will say yes to this question! If you are in this business, it’s because you love it so, yes, maybe one day when I retire from performing or can no longer be in the circus ring I could have my own circus. It would be the best way to stay involved in a world that I love, and who wouldn't want that as a future possibility?

Las Chicas Morales appear with Gandey’s Circus at Butlin’s in Skegness until 3 September 2017 and will join its autumn tour, which starts on 15 September.

Picture credit: Gina, Jacquie and Chico Rico; Dan Foster 

Twitter: @gandeyscircus @Butlins

Follow @TheWidowStanton on Twitter

[bagofgroceries]

Alice’s Tips For Calling Tech Support

As a sidenote I have never seen this gif before and it is delightful.

Hello everyone! Here are some tips on making your experience calling tech support less stressful for all parties! My resume for this comes from working in several call centers with different types of customer bases, my father doing the same, and questioning my fellow call center employees about their experiences. Spread this post! Make people’s lives easier! You may think some of these are obvious but they are not to everyone.

1. Be Prepared

         - If you are calling about a device it should have some sort of serial number, please have this ready. If you have called in before you should have a ticket number, this is also useful to have. My coworkers and I have a specific look of frustration for when someone says “Oh let me grab that for you.”. Usually we also have a narrow list of things we can find you with! I have worked for both computer manufacturing companies and cell phone service companies, and neither can search by your first and last name, or rather, they can but it’s pointless. Your name will bring up dozens with the same name or slight variants. Specific is best.

2. Have A Basic Grasp of The Phonetic Alphabet

        - Cell phone audio quality can be terribad, add background noise in and I am going to have trouble understanding you. Many serial numbers for products have letters mixed in (alpha numeric), giving these to me phonetically will cut down on your frustration and mine.  I’ll also ask for your email phonetically as well! That’s Alpha Bravo Charlie by the way, not A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo. Other words work as well of course, U as in United, A as in Apple, and C as in Cat are pretty common. X for Xmas is pretty funny though.

3. Before You Try and Bond With Me

     - I understand some people are very friendly, extroverted and naturally curious when talking to strangers. I am happy for you. Really. But please be aware for a lot of call center employees their are harshly judged on the time of their calls, as in that could make or break what schedule they can get, raises, or even keeping their job. So before you launch into  how you spent one semester at a college I don’t care about in my state, keep that in mind. Also, you are not clever, nor unique for asking about your tech support person’s accent.

4. My Name Doesn’t Matter To You.

     - Alright, so to be honest, this is probably just me. So my real name is slightly odd in it’s pronunciation. It’s not spelled the way it sounds, an there are a dozen ways to spell it. Nightmare growing up.  Most people who try and repeat my name back to me get it wrong and you know I rarely correct them. Because this is customer service and it doesn’t matter. You can’t call back and ask for me personally, with any luck I’ll fix your ____ so I never have to talk to you again, and spending two minutes guiding you through my name and hearing you exclaim the same things everyone else does serves no purpose. So when people go “Did you say your name was ____?” I agree. They could call me anything that’s not a curse word and I would agree with “Sure”. A customer thought my name was a beer brand once and I agreed. Just don’t bother.

5. Don’t Be Using The Broken Thing

       - This primarily applies to cell phones. Oh, and cars I guess. Don’t call me on your broken cell phone please, and if you do be prepared with a notebook for me to give you instructions  without us.

6. Be Aware Of Your Warranty

      - If you buy a computer from Best Buy (etc) it will usually come with a very limited one year manufacturers warranty. Again, very limited. You can often call and upgrade it. I suggest calling pretty quickly to find out what that warranty covers.  Your Basic warranties like that are also usually hardware based, software is more of a fancy warranty thing or the other manufacturer, such as Adobe, Microsoft, etc. Sometimes your Cell Phone Service Company (Sprint, AT&T, Cricket, Verizon, etc) will send you to the manufacturer such as Samsung or Apple. At the end of the day those companies only provide/are liable for service of your phone.

7. Being A Bully Is Often Fruitless.

       - At the Cell Phone Service Company I worked for people constantly demanded credit on their bill, or free stuff. Some of them yelled, some of them cursed, some of them said really mean things like how do you sleep at night (very well, thank you), or even threats. Some of them made people cry to get what they wanted. When you do this, or when you ask for a supervisor, this is what we call an escalation. I was promoted and I was basically paid to take these, to get abused. So none of that phased me, and if you went above me I would find a Manager who I knew would say no (because some of them did say yes out of laziness). You know what will often work in getting you compensation of some sort? Facts. Keep a record. My computer Blue Screened on these dates this month or  I had 20 dropped calls on these dates because those things are often (though not always) verifiable. I can take those to a manger and often get you something. Again. Not always.

Lastly....

8. Ask If You’re In The Right Department

     - There are often dozens of departments for different things in big companies. Before you give a ten minute explanation about what is going on ask if you are talking to the right person! 

- I have questions about my recent healthcare claim, am I in the right place?

- I need tech support for my internet, rather than my home security, am I in the right place?

- I need help with my desktop, am I in the right place?

Don’t assume the Automated System did you right buddy. Also, when you do get to the right place, ask if they have a direct number for next time!

Thank you for reading, have a good one!

[echocardiogram]

So recently I shared some information with a fellow pain sufferer, and she found this information useful, so I thought I’d put it out here for everyone else.  A bit of background: I’m 21, I’ve been dealing with worsening chronic pain since I was 11. I was originally told it was all psychosomatic, it wasn’t. I had been given diagnoses of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but they just didn’t cover all the bases of what I was dealing with, and treatment for those conditions did NOTHING for me. Testing revealed that I am either Narcoleptic or have a Circadian Rhythm Disorder (but that doctor was a jerk, so I’m not actively dealing with that aspect of my health). Testing ruled out Lupus, POTS, Lyme, various heart conditions, thyroid issues, and many autoimmune disorders. I do have psoriasis. In January 2017, I got into an Infectious Disease Specialist. I have a Chronic Bartonella infection. Layman’s Terms: Catscratch Fever. Usually this presents as a co-infection of Lyme, but I do not have Lyme. My doctor is very familiar with treating Lyme and it’s co-infections, but to be honest he has no idea how to treat Bartonella on its own. And although I am receiving treatment for Bartonella, there is no guarantee that treatment will be 100% effective, or that Bartonella is the only issue I’m having. Once I’m done with treatment, I may still feel awful. I may still be in constant chronic pain and have unbearable fatigue.  

All of the above is unimportant to this post, I just want to give you guys some background here. I’ve jumped through all of the hoops. No matter where you are in your own medical saga NO ONE should have to be in constant pain. I spend an abnormal amount of my time looking for pain remedies; looking for anything that can help me function like a semi-normal human being. Currently, I’m not. I live with my parents, I don’t have a job, I am not attending college, I can’t even continue taking classes online. Hopefully after treating this Bartonella infection that will change, but until then c’est la vie.

By this point, you’ve probably heard all of the usual pain management ideas (and if you haven’t and would like info on one of these PLEASE message me): 

Heat (dry vs moist)

Ice

TENS machine (they make these for at home use now!)

Tiger Balm

Capsaicin Cream

Pain Killers (OTC vs prescription) 

Anti-Inflammatories

Muscle Relaxers (these require a prescription)

Combination use of Anti-Inflammatories and Muscle Relaxers

Essential Oils

Massage

Acupuncture

Epsom Salt Baths

Meditation

Yoga

Anti-Inflammatory Dieting

Curcumin Supplements  

For me, these work to various degrees on various days. And some don’t work at all: OTC pain meds are useless for me, ice makes me tense us and causes me more pain, I hate the scent of Tiger Balm, and acupuncture is out of the question as I have an issue with needles staying in my skin. 

As I said before, I spend an inordinate amount of time looking for pain management techniques. Here are three that are lesser known and personally provide me with a LOT of pain relief. 

DEEP BLUE

I use doTerra's Deep Blue lotion when I can't take medication that might make me loopy. (There's a whole line of Deep Blue products, so if lotion isn't your thing maybe others will work.) It's minty in smell, which doesn't bother me, but I could see how it might bother some. 

Whenever I have sore neck and shoulder muscles and can't take my meds I use this stuff. A little but rubbed into the areas that hurt usually does the trick. I've also found that when I'm having really bad headaches and even when I have migraines that putting a bit of it on my forehead, temples, around the eye-sockets, and on my upper cheeks really helps reduce any head pain. (I also put it on the area under my eyebrows right next to my nose- you know the area you pinch between your eyes, but do this VERY carefully cause you don't want this stuff in your eyes). If/when you put it on your face make sure you wash your face well that night, as it can cause breakouts. (Honestly worth it, in my opinion.) 

ACUPRESSURE MAT

I have an acupressure mat (mine in from the brand Spoonk). You can use these either lying down or sitting in a chair, so it might be good for work, depending on what you do. They look like torture devices (and when you first lay on it they FEEL like torture devices), but after a few minutes it makes me feel so much better. This helps with pain when I'm in it, helps recover from pain when I've overdone it, and also helps me sleep better. 

The mat I have is from Spoonk (https://spoonkspace.com/), but I got it on Amazon in a 3 piece set, that includes a large one (to lay on), a small one (for travel, or to roll up as a pillow) and a massage ball (it's amazing for working knots out of feet and legs). But Spoonk is by no means the only good mat. (It was just on sale when I was looking). 

So basically, it's this foam mat that has a cover which spiked discs are adhered to. The idea is that with enough spikes, if you lay on it, you will hit acupressure points in muscles, and it will relieve pain. 

I use this for back pain, I usually lay out my large mat, roll up the small one, and lay (bare skin) on the mat, with the roll under my neck. Some people find this sensation painful, and use a thin t-shirt to dull the sensation to a tolerable sensation. I like to lay the mat on a carpeted surface. But some people swear by hard surfaces, and others like to use it in bed. But this can also be used when in a chair. I usually lay on my mats for 15-20 minutes. I find this is enough to help reduce pain AND give me an energy boost. When I'm trying to get to sleep, or get good sleep, I end up laying on it for 45-60 minutes, and then I roll off the thing and crawl immediately in bed. (Try not to actually fall asleep on it. I did that once and woke up 2 hours later and my whole back was numb.) 

It doesn't necessarily make me sleep longer, but I wake up feeling like I slept better. Which in my book is a win. 

Depending on how sharp the spikes are, the first few seconds/minutes might be a bit uncomfortable. BUT if you stick through it the area you're using it on begins to warm up, unknot, and feel pleasantly fuzzy. It improves circulation to the area you're using it on, so some people like to gently lay their faces on it, lay on their stomachs (it's supposed to improve digestion, but I haven't tried this), sit on it, or even stand on it (IN SOCKS!). Standing on it in thick(ish) socks gives me a really nice energy boost. 

For me, the mat really helps AFTER I've been in pain. If I over do it and am already in pain or if I know I'm going to be in pain this does a great job of lessening the duration and amount of pain I'm in. Using it while sitting (15 minutes every hour or so as needed) helps to mitigate lower back pain (and shoulder pain if you can sit back against is).

KRATOM

This one's a little controversial.

In my state there are no laws against kratom, but in the US there is some talk of making it a controlled substance. If it's something you're interested in, I'll gladly give you all the information I have, as well as how I use it. BUT I urge you to check out the laws in your state/country. 

Kratom is still new to me. I've read what little medical information is available on it. But there isn't a ton, so a lot of my info comes from the reddit thread (https://www.reddit.com/r/kratom/). 

So basically, it's a plant from the coffee family. It grows in Southeast Asia. And the leaves are magical. It binds to the same receptors that opiates do. So it alleviates pain just like they do (it can also space you out like they do, and it can cause constipation like they do). I've had mixed accounts of "addiction". Strictly speaking, this stuff lacks the enzymes that cause addiction to opiates, BUT a lot of people become dependent on kratom. 

Different subspecies make different 'strains'. They're generally classified as red, white, and green strains. (This is supposed to pertain to the color of the vein running down the center of the leaf. BUT I also read that the color of the vein depends on the age of the leave, so take that with a grain of salt.) 

Red is supposedly better for pain, green for energy, and white for a mix of the two. Honestly, I don't experience a huge difference in the different strains, but again I'm new to it. I've ordered from one vendor. And I take a really small dose. 

It's easiest to order online. Some head shops carry kratom but it's not always good quality or fresh. 

I ordered from Gaia Ethnobotanical. They have a Welcome Sampler that's only $25 and gives you a chance to try five different strains. (One ounce of each!) 

I spent hours on reddit and google looking for the 'perfect' strains to order and ended up going with Bali Gold, Ganesh MD, Red Dragon, Elephant, and Super Green Malay. 

The only one I'm not thrilled with is Super Green Malay. It's not that it doesn't work, it does reduce pain and give me energy, it just doesn't seem to last as long for me. That being said a TON of people swear by this strain. 

They all work differently for different people. 

Now, (from my understanding) some of those strains are straight strains, meaning they come from a single type of plant. Some are mixes. Elephant and Ganesh MD are mixes, I believe their red/white mixes, but not that much info is given about them on the site...so I'm not 100% positive on that. HOWEVER, the guy who runs that site is SUPER good at responding to customers, so if you wanted to find out I'm sure emailing him would be fruitful. 

My favorite of the strains I ordered is Bali Gold. On the site it's classified as a 'gold' kratom. To be honest, I have no idea if that's another strain, or something unique to this retailer. 

I would encourage you to go through the reddit feed above. 

They have different feeds for ongoing sales and for individual retailers. If you find a good sale from a different vendor, look for what strains people recommend from them. 

Onto dosage. You can buy this stuff in leaf, powdered, capsule, or resin forms. Powder is my prefered method. It's easiest to customize what you're taking and exactly how much of it. (A lot of people like to mix strains.) 

Most people start with a 3 gram dose. That's supposed to be about 2.5 teaspoons of powder. This is supposed to last anywhere from 4-6 hours. Keep in mind that you CAN build a tolerance to this, so start low. And try to switch up on which strains you're taking. (This is supposed to keep you from becoming tolerant to a strain.) 

Personally, I don't use kratom everyday. But I do use it nearly everyday. And I rarely have to take multiple doses of it. I wanted to start as low as possible so I started with 1/2 teaspoon. It's enough to nearly eliminate all pain, doesn't make my head fuzzy like large doses of opiates do, leaves me fully capable of functioning cognitively, and gives me a nice energy boost. Granted I'm also a small person. But my point is start low. The first few times you take it start with a low dose, give it 30-45 minutes, and if you aren't pleased with the results take a bit more. The lower the dose you need to function the longer an order will last you. Plus with smaller doses you're less likely to become dependent.

As for how to take it, there are dozens of ways. And that reddit thread is FULL of them. 

I tried mixing it with water and just sucking it down. It's a pain because this stuff is not water soluble, so it sticks to the side of the glass and it takes a ton of effort to take all of it. Some people make it into a tea. Personally, I don't mind the taste, but this is not a good option if you don't like it. You can also mix the kratom tea and another to make it taste better, but it still tastes pretty gross. Some people do this and then throw away the grounds, but eating them makes it work better so this seemed silly to me. You can mix it with juice, water, whatever. Some people have an upset stomach when actually ingesting the leaves, so it might be good to eat some crackers with it. Otherwise, I suggest taking it on an empty stomach if you can (that said, with chronic pain you can't always wait, so just take it if you need to), it helps your body absorb it quicker. When I take it on an empty stomach I start feeling better in 15 minutes. I also don't experience an upset stomach with it. A lot of users recommend a snack about 30 minutes after taking it. 

Personally, I take my 1/2 teaspoon with a glass of chocolate almond milk (regular milk is fine, I just hate it). The chocolate masks the taste pretty well. I usually scoop out my dose into a little bowl and then shake it into my mouth (under my tongue) a little at a time. Then I take a drink of chocolate milk, and basically rinse my mouth with it before swallowing.

A lot of people swear by mixing it into chocolate milk. Supposedly the consistency of the milk is better and it doesn't stick to the glass, but I was not successful with this. 

Any way you do it, be careful not to breath the powder in. It's like cinnamon in texture, and you will cough whatever is in your mouth all over the place. It's not pleasant. 

For me, 1/2 teaspoon usually keeps me in minimal pain for 4-5 hours. Which is usually long enough to make it through whatever I need to finish. I usually take this stuff after I am already IN pain. (No foresight on my part!) It works quickly, and lasts longer than some of my prescribed meds. I should also note that I've heard some people take like 10 grams at once (so almost 10 teaspoons), multiple times a day. I couldn't find ANY evidence of overdosing, (but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen! so use common sense and good judgement!) so if you need to take it multiple times a day, or take a larger does there's no big issue there. As long as you can function on it, you should be totally fine.

LEGAL ASPECT. In the United States there was a bill proposed in December to make it a controlled substance, but it was halted due to public outcry, and I haven't heard anything new on it yet. Some states have their own regulations on kratom, so do a little research to find out about your state. 

Additionally. From everything I've read and everything I've discussed with my own doctor, this stuff shouldn't show up on drug tests. So that's also a plus.

So yeah, these are three of the more out there ways I cope with pain. If you want more information on ANYTHING above please message me. I hope this helps! 

(I only sort of apologize for how long this is.)

[shiroe-is-my-baby]

First Chapter of The Wolf Whisperer

Just a little thing that I started working on a while back and decided to come back to. Really excited to get back into writing my original works, and this is one that I‘m looking forward to. Hope you like it! (It’s only a rough draft so their may be some errors, I’m still working to perfect it!)

"What's the point, Mom?"

My mother looked at me through her eyelashes, like she always did when she's angry. It gives me all the information I need to know. She's done having this argument with me. But it was a valid question for the conversation. Her and my dad were sending me to a public school, six hours away from our research base. I've been homeschooled my entire life. The only thing I'd be experiencing is my senior year, maybe senior prom. What's the point of going if I'm already basically out of school? My dad tells me that it's because I need to learn how to communicate with other people. He says that it's for the best since I've only ever been with my mom and dad basically my entire life. But the idea of going to school just doesn't sound right to me. I belong here with the animals that my parents and I take care of. I belong deep in the woods where there's only us and nature.

But, unfortunately, I don't have a say in the matter. I have to go to a public school, where there's a town and a population of 650. I can't even imagine how small the school itself is.

My mom helps me throw the rest of my bags into my dad's car, and my dad hands me a bag of snacks for the road. My Aunt Rachel lives about 20 minutes from the school that I'll be attending, and that's where I'm going to be staying. I haven't seen my Aunt since I was seven years old. Ten years later, I'm going to be staying with her for a full eleven months. I hope her and I can get along. I have no idea how I'm going to cope with being away from my parents and being in a whole different place. I'll be exposed to a lot of new things, as my mother says.

The only thing that comes to mind is people. People who will be complete strangers to me, as I will be complete strangers to them. I'm not even sure how to begin to make friends. Another reason why I'm dreading this move. And yet another reason why my parents think I need this experience. "You ready to go, pumpkin?" My dad asked, opening the driver side door of his truck. I nodded, even though I was lying. Something kept telling me that I needed to go, but another part of me was forcing me back. This was my home. My family was my whole world. Living without them seemed wrong. I’d never been away from them, especially for this long. I wasn’t sure if I could actually pull it off.

But I could tell my parents really wanted this for me.

I wanted to make them proud.

Clutching my turquoise blanket to my chest, I climbed into the passenger side of my dad's truck. The vehicle, which is intended to make it through the forest with no problem at all, is too high off the ground for me to climb up it. My short, stout legs always struggle to hoist my body up into the seat. But I manage to get inside and cover myself up just as my mother makes her way outside. She looks terrified to see me off, but I can tell that she’s excited for me. She always gets this twinkle in her eye when she gets anxious. Whether it’s with a new experiment, an idea that she’s been thinking of, or just seeing the family succeed. She’s always smiling, with the creases of her eyes showing all of the happiness for her.

My mother leaned in close, planting a kiss on my temple, having to stand on her tip toes. That’s one of the things that she and I have in common. We’re both incredibly short.

She smelled of honey and ginger. The same smell that she always has, since the day that I was born. It’s how I recognize her, and how I’ll always remember her. I breathed it in like it was the last time I would smell it. Like it was my oxygen. The fumes caused me to tear up, but I quickly fought them back. I didn't want my mom to worry. She might think I was crying, and I didn't want her to start crying either. Then, I'd definitely start to cry. Then, my dad would start crying and we'd never stop. My family was the kind of family that showed our emotions easily. We were very open and honest with our feelings. If we had a problem, we would voice it, and fix it together. That's another one of the things that I'm going to miss.

"I love you, Saph. Be good for Rachel."

"Yes ma'am."

When my mom smiled, her beauty radiated through the rest of her features. She beamed like sunlight, and it was almost impossible to look at her. But I did; I looked at her. I memorized the way her face looked, and the way she curled her hair. I took note of how she wore her white buttoned up blouse with dark jeans, with a few buttons undone to expose just a little cleavage. I remembered how her face shines, and her make-up adorned her face, making it look pristine and perfect. I will always remember my mother this way. Until I get to be with her again.

"Don't forget to call!" she screamed as I slammed the door, waving at us while my dad pulled out of the driveway. Some wouldn’t call it much of a driveway. It was mainly just a patch of road, with pebbles and grass for miles. But it was one of the qualities that made our home different. The small research base that I called home for seventeen years, seemed farther away with every foot we left behind. The trees around it seemed to swallow it up the further away we were. I waved back to my mom, watching her as she got smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror. Her auburn hair tousled in the wind, and she hugged her jacket tighter against her small frame. She held a hand over her mouth, and I saw the tears forming in her eyes. At least she waited to cry after I was safely feet away. She looked more beautiful even when she was crying.

It always amazed me how I look nothing like my mother. She was talented and smart and beautiful. Not only was she top of her class, but she graduated several years early. This allowed her to get a job before she was even out of college. But even though she could have a job at a corporate office or some fancy science lab. She chose to stay with my father, in this ragged and misshapen lab out in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t imagine making a choice that big, but looking at my dad, I can see why she would make that decision.

These thoughts brought me to the conclusion that I was different from my family. I was short, with wide hips and couldn't catch up with them in terms of knowledge. I knew enough about our research to help out, but I wasn't able to keep up with the statistics and the calculations. It all sounded like gibberish to me. But I could read a book in two days, and recite all of Shakespeare's works in the drop of a hat. Painting was one of my favorite things to do, and it was something that I did quite often when I was stressed or moody.

My mother always told me that I was special. She told me that even though I wasn't good with numbers, I was prefect in the arts and could understand written form.

"Everyone is good at something," She tells me, "But not everyone is good at everything."

Letting out a sigh, I leaned my head against the door, and watched the world pass by. The world that I once came to know. Entering a strange place is always scary. Especially, when you don't know anyone. Not even the person you're staying with. My dad sat in the driver’s seat, stealing glances at me. "I know you're nervous, Sapphire," He said, "But you'll make lots of friends. If you're like your mother, you'll even attract a few boys." I chuckled, looking over at my dorky dad. He pushed up his glasses, his eyes returning to the road. Everyone used to wonder how my dad got with my mom. If you just look at him, you'd assume he was single and lonely. But my dad beside my mom, he looked confident and happy. They were the perfect couple. She was the smart and beautiful one, and he was the also smart but extremely geeky one. His dark hair was short and clean cut, similar to the slight stubble on his face. When raising me, my mom always said he was a proud dad. He tried to get me into science experiments and equations, even though all I wanted to do was paint and read. He soon realized that I was unique. Unlike the two of them, I was interested in music and literature.

But they were proud, none-the-less.

"Aren't dads supposed to be afraid for their daughters to get boyfriends?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Oh, sweetie, I am very scared. But I won't stop you from being a teenager. I know you're going to have them. Just don't be stupid."

"Yes Dad.”

My dad wouldn't have much to worry about on that department. I've never been around boys, so I wouldn't even know where to begin with. My mother always told me that it's best to let love come to you. The more you try to find it, the less special it becomes. I'm going to miss my family’s helpful words of encouragement. Sometimes I think that we should write greeting cards because of how cheesy we are. I'm going to miss everything about growing up here. It wasn't the best childhood, but I enjoyed every moment of it.

The ride to Aunt Rachel's was five hours and 30 minutes. That meant being stuck in the car with my dad and his music. His taste was that of a normal dorky dad. He enjoyed the classics. As in Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, and others that are amazing composers. Growing up, that's all I listened to, until my mom grew into classic rock and indie music. My music taste was a little different. I like to tune the radio to something that I usually can only catch on weekends in the afternoon. I can hear a faint noise of the popular station, which I usually let play softly in the background while I paint. I like the new music, but it's hard to get that out here in the woods.

"Dad, can we listen to the radio for a bit?" I asked, politely.

"Sure, Hun."

He turns on the radio, and the farther out we get, the more clear the sound becomes. I enjoy being able to hear what was background noise my whole life. Dad seemed to enjoy making me happy, so he didn't bother to argue when I asked him to keep it. The music made the drive a lot easier. I was more focused on what was playing than how many miles we traveled. My heart was no longer torn in half because of this move, but I was happy and content. The music that played was light and happy. It gave me a sense of hope.

Although, I couldn't seem to get this nagging feeling off my chest. The kind of feeling that someone was watching me. That kind of thing that always gave me a strange feeling in my stomach. I didn’t like it. I hated the feeling that something was out of place. I looked out of the window but didn't see anything that could be causing such an emotion. The only things I could see were trees and deep woods that we kept passing by. It was like an endless loop.

I shrugged it off, my mind returning to the song.  Even though I tried to forget about it, I couldn't shake off this feeling. That someone or something was watching us. It stayed with me through the entire ride.

Even when we'd stop to get gas, I'd feel as if something was following us. But when I looked around, I saw nothing. Whatever this feeling was, it had to be because of the move. I hadn't had this kind of feeling ever in the past. It seemed strange, but almost like something was calling to me. Luring me to this town that I had no acknowledge of before this move.

All the more reason to consider this move the next chapter in my book of life. The next step in finding my true self.

Even if it seems seventeen years too late.