#once again every character in this book is kim dokja in a bad disguise

[tls12lessthan3]

rereading the lee jihye cinema scene is really making me think about the parallels between kim dokja and lee jihye in ways that are so evil. like the point of this scene is lee jihye grappling with her trauma from killing na bori with kim dokja's help, with him telling her that its true she did a terrible thing but that all that matters now is she lived, and that she has to continue living. "Atone for the rest of your life or live a garbage life. Just somehow survive!"

lee jihye did something horrible to someone who loved her deeply in order to survive. the fact that na bori gave up her life willingly doesn't ease lee jihye's guilt - she still feels as though she doesn't deserve to be alive. and kim dokja feels so much compassion for her in this moment! he sees her for what she is - a terrified kid who just wanted to live - and fights for her to survive. he encourages her and empathizes with her and generally does his best to ensure she can live on even with all her guilt because he doesn't see her wanting to survive even at the cost of others as an unforgiveable crime.

which makes the fact you can see the clear parallels between lee jihye and the oldest dream here so much more heartbreaking. the oldest dream is an extension of the message that kim dokja passes onto lee jihye here - no matter what, you must somehow survive. thats what the oldest dream's existence is, a kid trying to somehow survive. that desperation is what his all powerful dreams are born out of. he pushes orv's message about living having a cost, and having to bear that cost, to its extreme - oldest dream's survival was very expensive indeed, causing incalculable suffering across universes and taking 1864 of yoo joonghyuk's lives. this is something kim dokja has to bear to keep living - its something hes unable to. orv forgives him for this, but he does not. both lee jihye and oldest dream are kids who want to live, both hurt those closest to them in the process, both are unable to live with that guilt even when absolved of it by the very person they hurt.

but where kim dokja empathizes with lee jihye, where he cares for her, where he sees her as still deserving of a future, he is unable to do so for himself. even in this very scene he is chastising himself for 'using' her, for doing what he has to to survive in an apocalypse, unable to see the irony. all of his companions have made horrible choices to survive in the apocalypse, all of them have chosen to live at an inevitable cost of someone else. and yet kim dokja holds only himself accountable for the crime of survival. it really exposes this supposed accountability for what it is - a deep self-loathing disguised. if it had been any other child sitting at that subway station, kim dokja would have understood. but because it was himself? of course he reacted with disgust and violence - look at the entire book. he's never been able to do anything else when it comes to himself! even when he cares so deeply for the others....oh kim dokja.....