#once I had a triage nurse tell me I was so brave for living with all my allergies

[tj-crochets]

In response to the gravel thing, big wheels are the only thing that's gonna work in gravel. Little wheels tend to get stuck, which is why that all terrain rollater that the other anon shared had such big back wheels.

In terms of people not being jerks about it, i think that a rollator (like one of the reds ones with the solid wheels) is the one that's least likely to have people being jerks about it.

Also, In my experience, making it look like it's for a young person (like if you put stickers and stuff all over it like you were talking about doing), it will make it very clear it's yours and make you seem 'inspirational' to ignorant people rather than anger inducing.

When I used one of my grandfather's old canes when I was 13, random people, particularly old people, got very mad at me and told me that 'i was so young, i should enjoy it, not be using a cane.'

But when I got a new child-sized pink cane and put lisa frank stickers and chibi cephalopod stickers on it and got a little sparkly tassel on the wriststrap, all of a sudden I was 'so brave' and they were 'so proud of me.'

Thanks! I think I'm probably going to end up with one that can't really do gravel, but if it can handle grass and occasionally like dirt paths I think it'll work out? As much as I'd like to do the whole picnics in the park thing, realistically I'm going to use it most often in like grocery stores and stuff like that And oof, I never really thought of that as the trade off, but it is a really good suggestion. I was going to put stickers on it anyway (because I can and also why not lol) but making it look obviously mine instead of my dad's will probably help a lot. I've only had people call me brave or inspirational for like...existing with health issues a few times? And it was uncomfortable and weird every time! but honestly less disruptive to my day than the angry people I got the "you're too young, enjoy life while you can" thing too!! I was in a rented wheelchair at the state fair because I'd just gotten through with a full month of bedrest from having a very bad case of mono and my resting heart rate would not come down from the 140s! Same hat! But like, terrible same hat, sorry you had to deal with it. There should be a thing for same hat, but the hat was bad lol

[jetaime-jespere]

Prompt #29/116

#29- Look at me/# 116. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

Aaron crossed the line of objectivity somewhere between Morgan screaming his name through the bullpen, and listening to Benjamin Cyrus unleash his wrath on Emily two days later. He clenched a set of headphones with shaking hands and a surge of rage coiling deep in his chest and coursing through his veins. He can’t bring himself to think of it, knowing it’s partly his fault in the first damn place for sending her and Reid there.

It wouldn’t be the only line that’s been crossed in the months since his divorce papers were finalized, and what happened before and after the disaster that was New York City. It happened once, until it happened twice, and before long it was happening whenever they could sneak a few hurried moments. It was never supposed to happen but it did, and it adds an entirely different layer of complications. Despite their best intentions, those complications are now starting to creep into their work on what seems like an all too regular basis. It can’t happen, but it keeps happening.

The aftermath of New York left him uncomfortably vulnerable like never before. Kate’s death rocked him, and it was Emily’s patience and quiet concern that kept him from spiraling out of control. He blamed himself; he felt responsible for not being able to save her from bleeding out on a Midtown street. It was Emily’s quiet whispers in the dark in the days after that reminded him sometimes, we can’t win them all.

Now it’s his turn in a game they never asked to play, a turning of the tables.

“We gotta go in,” he’d said to Dave, trying and failing to conceal the anger in his tone. It’s the only option while not being an option at all; one that will only bring a negative outcome. He knows that, but objectivity is a myth at this point.

“We’d be risking the lives of everybody in there.” Dave had been annoyingly rational and the picture of calm throughout the entire hellish experience. His suspicions are abundantly clear, even if he’s tight lipped and completely neutral. He’d seen what happened shortly after New York and in Ohio, and Dave has been around long enough to know how these things go. So he stays close to Aaron, leads the hostage negotiation response and never wavers once over the course of the few days that seemingly never end.

With whatever degree of composure Aaron has left - the rest of it waned as the time in Colorado dragged on - he blindly follows Dave across the grounds towards the explosion and flames. Swarms of people emerge from the burning building in varying states of duress. The Colorado police attempt to triage survivors and maintain some semblance of order. Aaron barely hears them, because as the space between them closes, he has to pull himself together.

They’re okay, thank God, despite being bruised, dirty, and exhausted. The extent of their injuries will be confirmed in the coming hours, but his initial inspection is one of immediate relief. “Are you alright?” He asks, and both nod even as though his question is directed at her, a secret they’re both all too aware of.

“Yeah,” Emily manages, dazed and confused, her face a canvas of purple and red splotches in the shape of angry fists. Up close, it’s clear whatever she suffered at the hands of Benjamin Cyrus will remain for awhile, on the inside and out. Aaron swallows, and resists the urge to move closer to her. Hugging her would make all of this too real, a confirmation of their closely guarded secret. So he settles on a quick nod of his head before turning back to Reid, who looks just a little more shaken up than Aaron is comfortable with. Sooner rather than later they’ll have to give their statements; he’ll learn the rest of the details in due time. For now, there are other concerns. “Everyone from the compound is accounted for?”

“Torres said all but one,” Morgan says ruefully with a heaviness in his voice. “Nothing we could have done.”

Watching Emily limp toward the girl’s grieving mother is enough to make his stomach churn. It’s a minimal loss, but a loss nonetheless - one they were never going to win at all, and the rest of them avert their eyes as the woman wails in Emily’s arms. From over Mrs. Evanson’s shoulder, Aaron meets her gaze, not even bothering to hide the relief spreading on his face.

With the scene almost cleared and his standard level of gravitas fully returned, Aaron demands they be taken to the hospital. It’s the tone of his voice that tells them both not to argue; it’s not a request but an order. There’s a passing glance between Emily and Reid, one that tells him everything he needs to know - that whatever happened in that compound - the things he didn’t hear, is something they’ll always carry, some twisted bond between then. It’s a sobering reminder of how lucky they got, how different this could have turned out, one that keeps him all but silent as he follows the ambulances to the hospital. There’s still work to be done and calls to make - all of that can be done from the waiting room and on the flight home.

It’s the first time he’s been in a hospital since New York; it’s an experience he could have done without. Aaron is grateful it’s relatively quiet at 4:30 AM; luckily Emily and Reid are seen by doctors almost immediately. But there’s nothing quite like the eerie stillness of a hospital, with nothing but the occasional alarm or PA announcement for company, and he finds himself staring at his watch and then the clock on the wall with a frustrated sigh.

“It’s only been a half hour, Hotch” Morgan reminds him patiently without even looking up from the three day old newspaper in his hands. “It’s gonna be awhile.”

Morgan is right, he thinks, holding the pen in his hand a little tighter.

...

Almost two hours after she disappeared with the exhausted but kind nurse, Aaron cautiously pushes open the door of the exam room, not knowing what he’ll find. She’s perched uncomfortably on the rickety bed, all bandaged and stitched, the dirt cleaned off her face. Still, it doesn’t quite hide the damage; the blood still stains her clothes and the pungent odor of smoke still lingers in the air.

“Well?” He asks expectantly, resisting the urge to reach for the discharge papers that sit on the small tray next to the bed.

“A broken cheekbone, bruised eye, some bruised rib and some stitches.” Emily runs through the list of her injuries as if reading a grocery list or something equally casual. The wince on her face when she moves a little too quickly is her giveaway that it’s a bit more than that.

“Bruised?” He challenges with a lifted eyebrow. No fucking way.

“Fine,” she concedes, biting her bottom lip. “Two fractured. Several bruised. All sore.”

The look on his face must give him away, because she smiles warily, as if she doesn’t quite believe her own words. “It looks a lot worse than it is, Aaron.” She’s putting on a brave front he can see right through, no matter how much she tries to hide it.

“Bullshit,” Aaron snaps back, just a little too harshly. “If I knew -”

“I heard you almost took out the Colorado Attorney General.” Emily says under her breath, even though they’re out of earshot. “When did that happen?” She looks almost amused, and it feels like a distant memory after the endless drag of the previous hours.

“When he was threatening to obstruct a federal investigation.”

“Sounds like I missed a lot,” she quips with a slightly wry grin, one that emphasizes the swelling of her face. “You’ll have to fill me in.”

“I’d rather not,” he says, and for the first time since their rescue, he brushes his knuckles across a small stripe of untouched skin on her cheek.

“Not here, Aaron,” Emily’s face reddens. “Please.”

“I wanted to go in,” he says a little too quickly. “To get you both. I couldn’t … listening to what -“

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Emily picks at the seam of the bandage on her arm, effectively cutting him off. “That would have compromised the whole operation.”

“I know.” He doesn’t care.

She folds her arms stubbornly and looks away, as if disappointed by his confession, his lack of objectivity. He takes it as a cue to leave, turning on his heel with a scrape of his shoe. “I’ll go check on Reid. I’m … it’s … “ he searches for words but they don’t quite materialize.

“Me too,” Emily says quietly before falling silent.

There will be time for talking later.

...

He shows up at her hotel room door, and even though she’s expecting him (she has been for awhile now),and she almost laughs at the irony of how the tables have turned in just weeks. It sends an ache through her chest, one that she’ll soon be used to. According to the ER doctor, it’ll take weeks for her ribs to heal. Now she sees the full extent of the burden of the last few days - the slight droop of his shoulders, the shadow of exhaustion leaving a pallor on his face.

“What’s so funny?” Aaron snaps, his jaw clenched tightly as he pushes past her, closing the door on his way. “Two of my agents almost got killed today.”  He doesn’t remind her that she is one of the two.

Well, okay then, Emily thinks with a huff, taking note of the fact he’s still wearing his button down shirt, the sleeves rolled to the elbows. How long has he been in these clothes?  “Did you show up to chastise me, Aaron, or is there a point?” She can’t hide the annoyance in her own voice. She’s just as cranky as he is, desperately in need of some food, and something tells her this hotel bed won’t be kind to her throbbing ribs.

He’s studying her, assessing the damage he can see, and what he can’t. “Show me,” he says, his voice simultaneously soft and firm. It’s not a request but not quite a demand, as if he’s not prepared to see what’s there. And yet, she knows he won’t leave until he gets what he came for.

“You already- “ she attempts.

“Emily.” This time his voice cracks just a little. “Please.”

With a soft sigh and roll of her eyes, she lifts the hem of the oversized shirt she’s wearing. It’s one of his - he notices for the first time - and peels away the wraps and bandages she’s acquired, like some kind of fucked up armor. Aaron takes it all in - every bruise, scrape, and stitch - each a reminder of his self-imposed culpability. His touch is gentle, overwhelmingly so, as he surveys each wound with defeat.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.” His face is lined with unrelenting guilt, all consuming and real. “I shouldn’t have ever signed off on this. None of this would have happened.”

No, she thinks. “Look at me, Aaron” Emily says calmly, her voice steady with reason and logic as she shakes her head resoundingly. “I’m fine.” She pauses, running a hand through her hair. “Reid is fine too. It’ll take him a little while … to forgive himself,” she adds. “He blames himself. He shouldn’t, but he does.” Her assessment of him succinctly accurate, laced with compassion for him. She knows his mind like she knows her own. “But he got lucky today. We both did. You did all the right things. Sometimes … it just doesn’t go our way.”

“Hasn’t been going our way as of late , has it?”

He’s right. It’s been a shitty few months to say the least. Emily laughs softly, and when he wraps her into his embrace, carefully, she rests her weary head against his chest, it finally feels as if this whole miserable experience is over.

“There’s always tomorrow,” she says, voice muffled by his shirt. She doesn’t have to ask if he’s staying the night; it’s all but a given.

“When we get back,” Aaron murmurs, his chin tucked protectively over her head. “You still owe me that dinner you promised.”

She smiles even though he can’t see it. “Deal.”

[leowenila]

On The Brink (Day One, Again)

Hello! I started writing this about a month or two ago, but never finished it because life got in the way and prevented me from writing it; but I finally took the time to finish this from just missing early season fifteen Omelia and how spontaneous that kiss was. Throughout the beginning of this story, it may seem like it favors a particular ship more but please read the entire fic for the real and true ship; Omelia! There are many moments in this story that actually pained me to write and might be slightly out of character, but I guess that’s the feeling that happens in writing fanfiction that sadly will never be canon. I wasn’t sure of a good title, so it has two titles. 😊 Please enjoy this very angst filled (reunion worthy) and long one-shot!

Part two of “Shepherd’s Superheroes” will be posted eventually (I promise) and part two of “Strength Runs in the Family” is being written. Thank you all for your patience!

Regardless of the alternative pain relief she sought out with the blonde orthopedic surgeon and the delicious donuts they shared on an occasion as of late, there was one thing Link and Amelia never seemed to come to an agreement on or at least an understanding. The course of treatment and bedside manner they used with their patients in doing so. His charisma and overly optimist charm usually disallowed the realism she had always used with her patients as explaining possible complications or side effects. That terrible evening was no different than all the others.

The emergency department was crowded yet under control from the management of Teddy Altman; who hovered back and forth between triage beds as doctors of all rankings treated patients lying on beds. Once seeing the female attending from the main elevator; Amelia walked towards her for where a neurological consult was needed.

“You needed a neuro consult?” The brunette asked with tiredness but awareness heavy in her voice. Teddy checked the electronic tablet in her hands that listed all the patients that made their way into the hospital.

“Yes; bed seven. The paramedics said when they found him he was unconscious due to a potential overdose but needed confirmation. Is that okay with you?”

Amelia confusingly looked at the blonde cardiothoracic surgeon, in hopes to receive an answer as to why she questioned if it was okay with the brunette. But her mind was focused elsewhere. Choosing not to question, the neurosurgeon casually made her way over towards the seventh bed along the wall. Once standing in front of his lifeless and extremely pale body, Amelia removed her penlight to confirm if the man’s bright green pupils were fixed and dilated. She then moved onto a nerve test which came back with no response. Amelia glanced up towards the ceiling and sighed with disappointment after having a small hope for the middle aged man.

“Damn it.” She cursed under her breath quietly as she tore off the blue gloves from her hands and stopped by the main nurses station to inform them.

Over the past six months with no matter how many fake smiles or AA meetings she attended, a rather large part of her was craving an icy vodka tonic or maybe several; since the trauma surgeon’s daughter was born. And although Teddy chose Tom as her partner and to be Allison’s father; Amelia still felt on the brink of losing everything if for some reason Owen wanted the blonde in his life permanently again. With the constant arguments with Link, having to watch her sister-in-law’s children more than she did before due to Meredith picking up more hours at the hospital and finally, the patient that strangely resembled Ryan that night; everything felt overwhelming in Amelia’s life again and panic was ever so present. She missed the family life she had been creating with Owen. And Betty; she missed that girl everyday. If she was being honest with herself; she even missed her mom dearly ever since returning home from New York.

Roughly twenty two minutes after she had confirmed that the patient was dead, the brunette made her way towards her quiet but well lit office and sat back to hopefully catch her breath, but was interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Come in.”

Broadcasting a large smile on his face that caused almost tooth in his mouth to appear, Link beamed upon seeing the woman in front of him who held the handset of the business phone, his smile lessened.

“What’s going on?” The blonde orthopedic surgeon questioned the brunette. She exhaustively looked at him and shook her head before speaking. With Link she always felt as though she had to be careful of what she would say to him, he was so positive about everything and the brunette did not want to drag him down into her sorrowful mood; but with the trauma surgeon, she felt herself. Eight months without Owen was exhausting. Eight months of being a shell of the person she was becoming after her surgery, was slowly killing Amelia as the days passed by.

“I am about to call the girlfriend of a man who suddenly overdosed and I already know the unimaginable pain she will feel, from the second I tell her.” Amelia told him flatly. The man in front of her looked confused as to why she would know the pain of losing someone to an overdose; and although he had many questions, he allowed her to make a phone call and walked out of the neurosurgeon’s office for privacy.

“Ms. Copeland; this is Dr. Amelia Shepherd, the chief of neurosurgery at Grey Sloan Memorial, I am calling in regards to your fiancé Lucas Bishop, who came into our emergency department about three hours ago now. Do you have a moment to discuss this matter?”

Once the phone call was made; the brunette grabbed her rather large purse and light sweater hanging over a wooden coat rack before switching the light in her office off. Amelia walked past Link with an electronic tablet in her hand and set it down on the nearest nurses desk.

“If Marie Copeland comes into the emergency department; ask for her to speak to Dr. Korarick for further details. I called him and he should be here in about ten minutes.” The neurosurgeon told the charge nurse, sitting at the desk. The nurse shook her head as she watched the brunette with understanding eyes.

Link saw Amelia and ran towards her, and placed his large hand on her back. He sensed her anger and sadness but looked past it before speaking to her, the orthopedic surgeon needed an honest answer to his unsaid question; but hopefully wishing he could take her back to his place to enjoy some seafood.

“Hey; so uh, How about we have some sushi delivered to my place tonight, and we could maybe talk about whatever is bothering you. I know you care deeply about your patients; but there is going to come a day when his fiancé forgets about this day completely. You know? Let’s go and get some sushi.”

The brunette quickly whipped her head back around, causing her hair and coat drift slightly. Her nose was a pinkish-red tone and her eyes were bright red with the slightest bit of puffiness to them. Amelia was about to break sooner or later, the sharp yet crystal clear vodka was screaming her name, she knew that she was going to order the moment she sat down at Joe’s Bar and the voices in her head telling her to stay sober were whispering in the distance but she was trying to shut them out; just like she was trying to do so with Link.

“A woman’s fiance just died and your first response is that “she will get over it some day” I told you that I know the pain she will feel, so what? Do you expect me to be over the loss I had years ago due to an overdose? What makes you seem like the nicest guy to all your patients but whenever it comes to your co-workers, you nitpick every detail they do in their personal lives! Why does it even matter if this case is bothering me or not?”

Nearby doctors began to form a small crowd around once hearing the chief of neurosurgery scream the last question to the orthopedic surgeon. He stood there confused and surprised that the woman confessed such a private thing to him in practically the entire intermediate care unit and doctors on the floor.

“Because Amelia! That is what people do; they take care of each other when they spend almost half their work lives together! Who was it? Your brother? Oh; that’s right, it couldn’t have been. Because your sister-in-law didn’t call you when the great god of neurosurgery was his death-bed so you didn’t get to say goodbye to him. How does it make you feel knowing that if you were called; he would still be walking these halls? He is dead because of you!” Link bravely told Amelia with not an ounce of regret in his voice and allowed his true feelings to come out. The neurosurgeon stood still where she was standing as a silent tear escaped her sky blue iris; never in her life did she have someone say something quite like that to her. Trying to stay strong as long as possible, Amelia needed to leave and without her knowledge her legs ran faster than she knew.

From afar stood Maggie with an electronic tablet in her hand; unbelievably shocked and saddened to hear what the orthopedic surgeon just had said to her sister, she quickly removed her phone from her lab coat pocket and placed the phone in the crook of her neck.

The streets were dark and nearly empty as the brunette traveled through the quiet suburbs of Seattle. Just like the people in them, many of the homes were sleeping while a few remained well lit. Although the roads were pitch black, there was one home and it’s driveway that she could never forget. Before she shut off her engine after pulling into the familiar driveway, Amelia wiped away the constant flow of tears that escaped from her eyes. She wasn’t sure if they were tears of sadness over her life as a whole lately or tears of realizing that just an hour earlier; she could have potentially relapsed but stopped herself. The young neurosurgeon knocked on the colored door until it felt like her knuckles were bleeding from the cold air she waited in, she began to grow anxious. Maybe she should drive to the bar. She thought to herself right before the door opened to reveal a still very awake trauma surgeon.

”H-Hi...” Amelia started to speak to Owen as to why she was currently at his doorstep that late at night; but because he essentially knew everything about the woman who he still considered his soulmate and based on the phone call he had received from Maggie, the man watched the brunette try and attempt to form sentences and at least give him a small clue how he could help. He received no response.

“Amelia? Is everything alright? Would you like to come in?” He offered and questioned, the brunette continued to stand outside of the house as multiple tears fell down her face and her arms were wrapped tightly across her own smaller frame. She shook her head, Owen could sense Amelia was embarrassed by showing up this late, he just didn’t know why she was or why it was so hard for her to show her emotions.

“I don’t want to interrupt your nighttime routine with Leo or your dinner or whatever, I am just gonna go.” Amelia hesitated and began to walk away before the trauma surgeon’s calm voice called her back.

“Amelia; it’s ten at night and I think it’s trying to snow, maybe. I put Leo into bed about two hours ago and the only time I eat dinner late is if I was on call. Please come in, and at least let me make you some of your favorite tea.”

And so the brunette accepted his offered request and walked side by side him. The two made it into the warm and dark home before Owen switched on the main living room light. Amelia sat on their comfy couch as she saw Owen wander into their kitchen near where she kept the tea steep. Water rushed through the pot before he placed it on the oven and watched Amelia from afar; without her knowledge. He has seen her broken but in the current moment, for the second time since knowing the brunette, he felt afraid of what she might have done if he did not open the door or like the first time; find her.

“You know? There are days that I still get really angry at the friend that gave me my first pill. She told me it would take all my pain away.” Amelia said out loud, not sure if Owen had been listening or not but sensing his lake blue eyes on her. A laugh escaped from her lips after the last sentence before telling the rest of her story.

The trauma surgeon removed the now warm liquid into his soulmate’s favorite mug and began to walk back into the living room to place the glass mug on the coffee table in front.

“It is funny, because ever since that day; instead of Oxy taking the pain away, it only adds to the pain. I have been so in pain recently, and I think that’s because I miss the relief.”

Amelia’ mind wandered off as she stared into the distance and replayed the last eight months in her head, and how being in the present moment with Owen again was the first time in a long time she felt safe. She felt like she could request a hug from trauma surgeon and he would wrap his arms around her without feeling ungenuine. She felt at home. And in the current moment she felt unafraid. Before Owen could think or offer for himself to drive her to a meeting in hopes her cravings would pass, Amelia leaned back and brought her lips to match his to passionately kiss him. As if no time had passed between them Owen reciproted her passionate kiss and matched her rhythm. Once getting comfortable, the two stood up at the same time and knowing exactly what the trauma surgeon was planning, Amelia nodded to Owen indicting that he could lift her up in his arms.

So he did. Carefully Owen supported her legs as he made his way towards his bedroom; their bedroom. Gingerly Amelia removed one of her hands that held onto Owen’s neck to quietly turn off the living room light as he continuously held her and kissed her soft neck.

Owen’s heart felt complete while Amelia felt rescued from being on the brink of making the next day; day one again, but instead she chose to make that night day one again with her soulmate. The whole time it wasn’t the drugs she craved; instead it was Owen who she craved the most.

Thank you so much for reading one of my favorite stories, I’ve ever written!

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post #1 - Welcome

Firstly, welcome. Whether you’re family, a friend or even somebody I don’t know - welcome to what will be my journey. I’ll be honest and upfront about what’s going on and I’m not afraid to express my deepest feelings.

Will this blog be everybody’s cup of tea? Absolutely not. I’ll give you the heads up now - this will be boring. This will lead down some dark and negative paths (don’t stress, it’ll be mostly positive!). I do feel however that I need to express myself this way and explore my emotions as they clash with what is going on. Sit back, relax and come with me in what will be some light slightly heavy reading.

Where does one start with such a blog? Let me preface this by saying once all is said and done, I will never complain about anything trivial again. Ever. The past six weeks has been an emotional roller coaster - not only on myself but those close to me. I wouldn’t wish this upon anybody I know and I don’t say that lightly!

Where am I at now? Monash Hospital - Clayton. Over the past six weeks, I’ve spent 26 days in hospital across three different stints. It’s currently 22:49 on Monday 15th July and I’m about to endure what will be the most confronting couple of days I’ve experienced in my life... but let’s roll it back a few weeks and fill you in.

What’s wrong? Where and how did it all it begin? Let’s touch over a few things...

Sunday June 2nd - It all started with an immense eye pain one Sunday afternoon. I’d stayed up late into the night to watch Australia’s first Cricket World Cup clash with Afghanistan. Getting to bed at roughly 3am Sunday morning and waking up normally by 10am, I thought this particular Sunday was going to be a stock standard one. I stayed over at my partner Courtney’s house and we went to watch her nephew play football. 4pm rolled around on Sunday and I thought I was suffering from what I thought was a simple case of eye strain - a deep, immense pain in my left eye. After all, my mum, dad and sister all have glasses so I assumed my time was up!

Courtney booked me an appointment at the optometrist for the following weekend and I kept on in my evening assuming this eye pain would settle with some rest.

Monday June 3rd - Waking up Monday morning, the pain was still there. Had it gotten slightly better? Not at all. I continued on my Monday as normal with an incredibly busy day at work and headed around to Courtney’s for the weekly ‘Monday night roast’ courtesy of her mother. Knowing I had a rostered day off on Tuesday, I knew I could sleep in, relax, take it easy and my eye would eventually get better - surely! It has to!

Tuesday June 4th - With the day off, no alarms set I was woken up at 8:30am with the call I was least expecting. My mum was in tears as she somehow bravely blurted that my grandfather had passed away that morning. Poppy was ill and attempting to recover from a recent hip operation he had after a fall - we all thought he’d fight through it and keep battling but unfortunately his time was up and nanny had called him to join her. A man I was so close with, a fighter had suddenly left us. I was in shock, but raced to pick mum up from work. We made the decision to join my family in Bairnsdale - 3 hours away from where I live. Mum and I shared the driving there, no worries in the world. My eye pain was still there - Worse than it had been, but that was secondary this day. I could still see perfectly normal still assuming it was just eye strain.

Wednesday June 5th - As soon as I woke up, I knew something wasn’t right with my left eye. The pain had slightly subsided however my vision just wasn’t right. I can’t explain what I felt that morning. My left eye was still moving as it should however the vision just wasn’t right. I chose to close my left eyelid and primarily look through my right. It was at this moment I just knew it wasn’t an eye strain - it was something worse.

Mum went down the street that morning and I tagged along. Fortunately, Specsavers (Bairnsdale’s local optometrist) was open and they could squeeze me in for an eye check. I knew I had to rule that out before attending a hospital.

Not to my surprise, my vision was 20/20 out of each eye as it had been for my life. The optometrist suggested if I’m having issues, to head to the local hospital - so that I did.

Rolling on into Bairnsdale Regional Hospital at 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon wasn’t exactly on my schedule when heading down to Bairnsdale originally, but that’s what it had come to. The triage nurse saw me immediately and rushed me through to be seen (within 30 minutes and a waiting room full of patients!) The doctor - who was only in his second year out of uni was quick to assess that I was having issues with my third nerve (something that wouldn’t be mentioned again for a couple of days). In consultation with the Eye and Ear Hospital in Melbourne, it was recommended I leave Bairnsdale immediately and go and present myself to them - a 4 hour drive. With other matters on my mind, I was hesitant to go. My family basically pushed me out the door and it was at that moment that I knew I had to go.

9pm I walk in the entrance to a ridiculously busy waiting room. I present myself to triage and they pull the papers they had from earlier in the day. I thought this may mean I’d get through a bit quicker - boy oh boy I was wrong! Fortunately, State of Origin I was on and that entertained me until 10:30... and from there it was a genuine slog. 11:45pm I walked through the sliding doors and was met by who I can best describe as an overenthusiastic young(ish) Pom who was keen to have a look at me. It was late. I was tired. This bloke was over the top, but my word did he know his stuff! Did that help him diagnose me? No. 2am came around and he sent me home, telling me to expect a call at 9am with plans on what to do next.

Thursday June 6th - Just to his word, a phone call comes in at 9am from the doctor I’d seen only seven hours earlier. He advised I needed a CT scan (at 1pm) and an appointment with a specialist (3pm). The CT scan went well and I assumed I’d be out by 4pm and be able to head to the Sandown Greyhounds for the night as I’d been busy organising a night out over the weeks prior. This all changed when we saw the specialist. She ran her basic tests and ordered an MRI scan ASAP. I got taken over to St. Vincent’s Private Hospital for the scans via an underground tunnel - yes! They exist! My very first MRI scan was done and back to the Eye and Ear Hospital we went. The specialist that I’d seen earlier in the day was rostered on that night in emergency fortunately for me! She got the scan results back and ruled out a stroke and bleeding on my brain pretty early. This was a relief, I suppose. I wasn’t going to die in the short term! It was from here where she advised i’d be required to be admitted to St. Vincent’s Hospital that night for further tests over the next few days. It was at this point where I felt helpless. Disappointed and helpless. I was expecting to have a few tests done and go home and continue my life as per normal. I didn’t want to be admitted to a hospital so far away from home. I didn’t want to wait around for tests. I wanted to be home. In my bed. Some normality at least. This is where my mindset had to change and that it did - pretty quickly.

Dad walked with me over to St. Vincent’s and we entered the emergency department. We were told “you won’t have to wait long... they are already expecting you.” Well, once again, what was I thinking? A city central hospital with no waiting in emergency? In retrospect, I was definitely getting my hopes up.

A solid 3 hour wait finally saw me enter through the doors and be seen to. This is where dad left me - for the first time in this ordeal I was alone. Was I scared? I won’t lie. Yes, yes I was. At 24 years old, no idea what’s wrong with me and alone in a major hospital in the city? I think that’s justified.

How’s the eye at this stage? Terrible. In the prior 24 hours I’d developed double vision and my left eye had significantly moved with no ability to control it - as you can see below.

Friday June 7th - 4am I was finally taken to a ward and had a bed to myself. It was on the 9th floor in the ward that generally deals with major bone breaks and reconstructions/replacements. I was wheeled into a twin-share room with an old guy who had just had his hip replaced. In retrospect, I had such a good room in what turned out to be an incredible hospital. The food was excellent, the nurses went above and beyond to make sure you were comfortable and as happy as you can be and in the end, I had a great view of Melbourne.

10am came by and I saw the first of what felt like 100 doctors that day. They were pretty quick to diagnose me with Third Nerve Palsy in my left eye - something I hadn’t heard since I first presented in Bairnsdale two days prior.

Unfortunately, being a part of the neuro team of doctors - things didn’t happen too quickly. Just my luck too, this upcoming weekend was the Queens Birthday long weekend. I didn’t realise or even think that hospitals go on skeleton staff over the weekends and scans don’t get done very quickly... I wasn’t booked in for a follow up CT and MRI scan until Tuesday...

Monday June 10th - I’m not going to lie. Mentally I was struggling. Presented to a hospital on Thursday night/Friday morning for what was Third Nerve Palsy and they just left me there over the weekend. No follow ups. No nothing. I didn’t realise how much hospitals shut down over weekends - I certainly do now! I was a mess. I felt lost. I didn’t know what was going on or even why for that matter. My eye was doing something it had never done and I couldn’t control it. I felt helpless and lonely.

Courtney was just getting over a serious case of the flu, so I hadn’t seen her in over a week and it was killing me.

I broke down Monday night after I’d calmed down from what was a good win by my Pies. 8pm came around, visitors were gone and I was there by myself. No clear plan about what was wrong with me or how they were going to fix it. I was an emotional mess.

Tuesday June 11th - Finally. The long weekend was over and didn’t I notice the difference. 7am and the hospital was a hive of activity. My CT and MRI scans were booked in for later that day as well as what will turn out to be my first of many lumbar punctures (LP) - something that scared the life out of me. Mentally, 24 hours later I was doing okay. I could see things progressing...but one thing was playing on my mind. Poppy’s funeral was on Friday and I knew within myself I had to be there to say my final goodbye. I let the nurses and doctors know and they seemed to be okay with letting me out on day leave - however logistically that left an issue. 4 hour drive with an 11am funeral wasn’t going to be possible.

Wednesday June 12th - At this stage, my eye hadn’t got any worse. It was just the third nerve affected and otherwise, I was perfectly fine. The results of my scans and LP came back which showed inflammation on my third nerve (which was expected) as well as a high white blood cell and protein count. This lead the doctors to believe it was due to either inflammation or infection. The doctors pretty quickly leant away from infection as I wasn’t presenting with any other signs so they treated me with an incredibly high dosage of a steroid called methylprednisolone to treat the inflammation.

IV drip for the first lot on Wednesday night and 10x 100mg tablets on each Thursday and Friday.

Thursday June 13th - The doctors agreed to let me out Thursday afternoon providing I had no further reactions to the methylprednisolone. Turns out I didn’t, so they fortunately let me out at 3pm to do what I needed to over the following few days. They were happy not to see me again unless of course things progressed and got worse and organised a follow up scan in two months time. At this stage, the diagnosis was Third Nerve Palsy due to inflammation of the nerve that was treated via steroids and may get better over the following weeks or months - or may not get better at all.

Friday June 14th - Sunday June 16th - Whilst Friday was a heavily emotional day saying my final farewell to Poppy, physically I got through it okay and had no further issues. This was my life now - whether I liked it or not. Deep down I had confidence it would get better in time and I’d have to see St. Vincent’s every few weeks to check up and I was okay with that.

Monday June 17th - I wake up Monday morning at home incredibly sick. What was wrong with me? I didn’t sleep during the night and was having hot and cold flushes, dizzy spells, hallucinations, no appetite and had absolutely no idea where I was. It was the flu, without having the flu or feeling sick. It was such a strange feeling. I started to develop an immense pain in my right jaw - incredibly similar to my eye. I started to worry - instantly. I called the doctor who was looking after me at St. Vincent’s and he wasn’t worried about it. He advised me to go to my GP and just get an X-ray to make sure everything is okay.

Deep down, I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what. I suspected the sickness was the come down from such a high dosage of steroids (which was later confirmed) but this jaw pain felt all too similar and I was scared.

Needless to say, I didn’t go to the GP or get an X-ray purely because I didn’t want another round of doctors looking at me, wasting the prior time at St. Vincent’s.

This continued through Tuesday and Wednesday. Exactly the same symptoms... I got further worried.

Thursday June 20th - Mum was on my back about going to my GP. I was resentful, but booked an appointment for 4pm to get checked out. I was still a mess, but better than I had been. Dad took me to my GP appointment and came in with me. By this stage, I couldn’t chew. I’d lost all strength completely in my jaw - both right and left side. My regular doctor took one look at me, checked my files she got from St. Vincent’s that morning and advised that I needed to head back into hospital - be it St. Vincent’s or Monash Hospital Clayton. She recommended Monash Clayton for two reasons; 1. Closer to home & 2. Well renown Neuro doctors.

I was hesitant, but knew I had to. I was more open to going than I had been a fortnight prior and was happy to be in for the long haul. Mentally, I was in a good spot. I knew something more was wrong and it wasn’t just inflammation. Alas, in I went. Straight to Emergency Department at Monash Clayton.

Friday June 21st - To cut a long story short, to get a bed at Monash Clayton was horrible! I spent a few hours in emergency, followed by 5 hours in short stay and eventually 24 hours in a day ward before I was moved onto a general medical ward. Friday was spent in the day ward with Neuro doctors coming back and forth obsessing over my eye and jaw issues.

I’d bloody done it again. Gone into hospital late on a Thursday... this time I knew not much would happen over the weekend and I was prepared for that.

Monday June 24th - As expected, not a whole lot happened over the weekend. I got moved to a general medical ward and that was it.

Monday afternoon finally brought some news once the Neuro team had looked at me properly. I’d lost my third nerve (which we already knew) and my fifth nerve (jaw) was also shot and gone. Great. I couldn’t eat. I was put on what was called a ‘minced and moist diet’ which can only be described as an unknown meat, minced with gravy with a few unknown vegetables on the side (see below). It was horrible. I didn’t have much of an appetite however what I did have was quickly swept away with the sight of this food.

Over the next few days, more CT, MRI, Ultrasounds and LP’s were done. Blood tests twice daily. I was quite frankly getting sick and tired of getting poked, prodded and scanned only for the Neuro doctors to come in once (maybe twice) a day to tell me there’s no real update and they needed to wait for tests to come back.

Thursday 27th June - During the week, things had progressively gotten worse. I’d lost my sixth nerve in my left eye as well as feeling in my chin (just below my mouth) and started to develop quite a large, painful lump underneath my right earlobe.

Doctors were then forced to act fast. They’d suspected I was suffering from either a virus that hadn’t made itself too known and was attacking my nerves or an auto immune disease that was forcing my white blood cells to attack my own nerves, picking them off one by one.

They did some more tests and sent them to both Brisbane and Canberra to be looked at as Monash Clayton or anywhere in Melbourne couldn’t get the results they wanted.

Immediately, they started to treat me for both of these conditions simultaneously. I was having an anti-viral drip 3x/day every 8 hours for the virus as well as what was called IVIG (derived from blood) to fight the auto immune disease and kill off my bad white blood cells.

I was scared. Every day I was getting worse and I suppose I just wanted to know what was wrong with me. I probably felt most for my direct family and Courtney who all had no answers despite all the tests and scans I’d done previously. They were left in the dark - as was I. 22 days it had been since I felt some sort of normality and it was killing me. The fact they had no answers was slowly eating away at me, but I put on a smile and a positive attitude as I always do. They’ll find something soon. They have to. It’ll come back positive for auto-immune, I’ll get treated and away we go back to normality. I was wrong.

Friday July 5th - This treatment cycle went on for the next week or so. The doctors were happy I wasn’t getting worse, my sixth nerve had slightly returned so they were happy to let me go home. 15 days in hospital this spell. It didn’t feel like 15 days though, not to me anyway. I think that’s probably because of the positive mindset and willingness to stay in until they found what was wrong with me. I’d started to develop muscle aches and pains in my left leg but I thought nothing of it - assuming that was just because I’d been in hospital and confined to a 3x3 room for 15 days!

I’d had a full body MRI scan and ultrasound on my leg the day earlier and they saw something around my stomach they wanted to investigate a little bit further. Before they let me out, we agreed to have a follow up MRI in two or three weeks as well as a PET scan within the next week and a bit to investigate my stomach a bit more. I was happy, the doctors were happy and away I went. Back into the world they call life. I was happy.

Monday July 8th - After spending a relaxing weekend between home and Courtney’s, I had an unexpected call at 1pm. It was a woman from Moorabbin Hospital wanting to urgently book me in for a PET scan and was wondering when I was available. She advised she only really had the following day at 2:30pm available for the next three weeks and advised I need to be there. So I took it. I had no bloody idea what a PET scan was, so as any 24 year old would do, I gave it a Google.

“A positron emission tomography (PET) scan is an imaging test that allows your doctor to check for diseases in your body....”

My heart sunk as I read a bit more. PET scans are generally used to pick up cancers. Wait. What? Why do the doctors want to do this so urgently? They were talking over the next week and a half, so why are they doing it now? My gut feeling wasn’t good. I knew something deeper was wrong but I brushed it aside - my condition despite being unconfirmed was in my mind, still auto-immune.

Tuesday July 9th - I’d never had a PET scan before but I did a YouTube search so I knew what to expect. It was like a CT scan pretty much. They inject the radioactive glucose into you, wait an hour so your body can absorb it and have a scan. Simple.

For the first time in this whole ordeal, something went exactly as I expected it. It was an easy process made easier by the wonderful nurses in there. My PET scan went well and I was happy. I was convinced nothing would show but still had that deep feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right.

I had a call that night and booked myself in for a follow up MRI at Monash Clayton for the following day - once again a few weeks earlier than expected. The woman on the phone said the doctors wanted to rush it through and once again, my gut sank. Something just wasn’t right. Why are the doctors pushing through these scans when we’d only discussed 4 days earlier about having them in a few weeks. Whatever. I’ll go. I have to. I just want to know what’s wrong with me!

Thursday July 18th - 16:32. An unknown number calls. This is how I’ve been getting my scans booked. Is it another one? “Is that Justin?” the gentleman on the other end of the line goes.

“It’s Jason from the haematology department at Monash Clayton. I’m not sure if your Neuro doctors have called you yet, but I’ve just had a look at your PET scan from Tuesday with them. We can see significant areas in your stomach, liver, gall bladder and groin that has lit up which we weren’t expecting. It’s your lymphnodes that have reacted with the glucose and are showing us we need to investigate a bit more. We’ll need to get you in for another LP and we’re going to have to do a biopsy of those lymphnodes to get more of an idea. At this stage, we’re looking at lymphoma as a genuine cause of what’s wrong with you...”

I tune out. I’m still processing his first few sentences. What? You mean they’ve found something that isn’t related to the nerves in my eye? Lymphoma? Isn’t that cancer? I might have a type of cancer? But I’m 24? That can’t be right.

I finish the conversation with him and hang up the phone. I was home with mum and the time. She looks at me and asked what the phone call was about. I break down. I cry. I don’t know how to process the news. I’m a mess for a solid 15 minutes. I eventually get strong enough to tell mum. She breaks down as well. It must’ve been incredibly difficult to hear your 24 year old son may have lymphoma. I call dad and let him know....and Courtney. Other than that, I keep it on the downlow. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. What if it is nothing?

Jason calls back later that night. Pretty much says I have an appointment on Monday for another LP and they want to do the biopsy ASAP. He said not to go to ED at Monash Clayton and just to expect a call at any moment between then and Monday that they have a bed for me. When I get the call, I had to go in. I was okay with this. It wasn’t going to happen for a few days!

Sunday July 14th - Court and I went down to dads for the lunch and catch up with his wife and her kids. It was a great day to forget about the reality of life for a few hours. That was until we went to Coles to get stuff for lunch and I had a missed call from a private number. Without listening to the voicemail, I knew what it was. My gut dropped. I told Courtney and we listened to the voicemail together.

“Hi Justin, we’re just letting you know a bed is available and if you could come into the ward ASAP.”

I’m okay with it. I knew it was coming... then a few minutes later I broke down in the middle of Coles. What hit me? I don’t know. Reality I suppose. I didn’t want to go back in. I knew I had to. I knew this trip was going to be about whether or not I have lymphoma - a type of a cancer. I was scared. I grabbed Courtney’s shoulder and just cried. Cried for a solid 5 minutes. I couldn’t control myself. It just hit me.

I thought I’d wait until they called back instead of making that call to enquire further to bide myself an extra hour or two. Half an hour later, they call and I answer. I was able to arrange an extra four hours until I had to be in there. This gave me enough time to get home, pack a bag and mentally prepare myself to head in.

By 5pm that night, I was in a bed with the lumbar puncture booked for the following day at 2:30pm.

Monday July 16th (Today) - I’m not afraid to say I hate LP’s. Being larger than your average 24 year old, they can’t do the blind and require them under CT guidance. It makes the process easier, but it certainly doesn’t feel as pleasant!

I saw the haematology doctor at 11:30 this morning. He was open and honest with me. Which I appreciated. He basically said up front “We’re 90% sure you have lymphoma. All we are waiting on is the biopsy to come back positive and we can start treatment...which will be chemo...”

That’s about all I took out of the conversation. It hit me. Not hard that I’d cry, but the reality hit me hard. Here I am, apart from overweight, I’m a normal otherwise healthy 24 year old. In the space of six weeks, I’ve developed symptoms I don’t wish upon anybody and getting told the doctors are 90% certain I have lymphoma.

I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy to be where I am at the moment. It’s a funny time in my life. I’m being as positive as I can however I know I’m about to face the biggest battle of my life. In a way, I really hope the biopsy does come back positive - just so we finally have something. Confirmation on something and can start treatment pretty much instantly.

With my biopsy scheduled for between 8:30 - 11:30 tomorrow, I’m not going to lie, i’m shitting myself. Sedate me. Put a camera down my mouth to my stomach. Take tissue samples of my lymphnodes. Sounds like a great Tuesday morning to me. For once in my life I think I’d prefer to be at work!

Realistically, I’m expecting the results back from the biopsy in 24-36 hours from tomorrow morning and expect if confirmed to be lymphoma, to begin my chemo treatment late this week.

As I said earlier, it’s going to be the biggest fight of my life...But I’m ready. I’m not prepared to fail, I never have been. I will beat whatever is wrong with me.

If you’ve made it this far, kudos. It’s now 1:32am and I’m starting to get the tired eyes. As I started, I feel as if I had to start this blog to move forward mentally. Whilst this will be my longest entry I’ll have, it certainly won’t be my last. I assure you of that.

Wish my luck for tomorrow!

Juzz xx

[lunaschild2016]

Belief - Part 2

Summary: He hadn’t really ever given her a thought before that night. He admired her in passing but they traveled in different circles and she was too much of a good girl. One night her anger and frustration leads her to stand up for him and call out his rival. Then she had nothing but his attention.

@offroadinjandals Here is one inspired and dedicated to you. I know you love the women to have a little spice to add to Eric! So here ya go!

Rating: M

Word Count: 3033

Warnings: Language and smut (not in this chapter yet, let a girl get her head on straight first)

Song In Cover Art: Belief by Gavin DeGraw

Characters: Eric, OC, Four and Tori with Eric/OC pairing.

@kenzieam @pathybo @jaihardy@ericdauntless@beautifulramblingbrains@bookgirlthings@jojuarez26@oddsnendsfanfics@offroadinjandals@singingpeople@iammarylastar @irasancti@captstefanbrandt@clublulu333@fuckthatfeeling @tigpooh67 @ex-bookjunky@jughead-wuz-here @badassbaker @beanzjellly@beltz2016@meganbee15@affabletimelady@scorpio2009@gylisaa@geekybeyondallreason@violetsonthelam@kyloswarstars@emmysrandomthoughts@kgurew@beltzboys2015-blog @slytherin-princess-25273 @whatwouldbuffydo666 @jaiboomer11

****If I have forgotten to tag anyone or you would like to be tagged please let me know!***

Part 2

There was pounding. That was how I woke up, to pounding. That and to bright light being directed straight at my face as curtains were ripped away from the window.

I grabbed the nearest item that could help me and stuffed it over my head to block out both offending senses. It was promptly ripped away.

“Oh no you don’t. I am being graced with, by the sound of his annoying knock, his surly presence well before I should even be starting my day. You don’t get to play the hangover hell card here.”

With that I watch the bleary figure of Tori retreating and leaving me wonder how I ended up at Tori’s and what the hell happened last night. She wrenches open the door and sighs at whoever is on the other side.

“Is she here?” Is snapped out and I can see her nod as I start to take stock of myself.

Over sized t shirt that clearly isn’t mine or Tori’s. I was sleeping on her couch. Coffee table with pill bottle and glass. Bucket beside the couch. So somehow I got so drunk that I couldn’t even make it home. How did Tori get involved? Where were my friends that were supposed to have my back and for once in my life let me be the one to get drunk out of my mind and forget what I was so livid at?

Better question. Why is Four staring at me like he doesn’t know whether to hug me or slap the crap out of me?

“Uh oh.” I mutter with wide eyes as small and distant parts of the night filter through the pounding that is still going on.

“Well at least he wasn’t lying about this.” Four mutters darkly as he looks over me and squints. “You don’t remember a thing about last night?”

“Muy poco.” I reply with a sheepish shrug and wince before laying back down and covering my eyes with the throw pillow from the couch.

“You know I don’t understand when you…”

“She said very little, Four. You aren’t going to get more out of her if she is going to Spanish. I don’t know what she did but cut her some slack.” Tori had that tone in her voice. The words were a request but it was all more like a threat. Telling Four he better or he would deal with her.

“Fine. We will be talking later, Devi. You can’t just do that to a leader…”

“Oh, ahora arrojas el estado de tu líder. No ... aw shucks, solo hago lo que puedo ahora ¿verdad?” I grumbled into the pillow and tune out what he is saying.

The night after I left work might be a blur but not everything that happened before that. I was still angry and frustrated.

“Just go Four. I’ll talk to her.” Tori says and I already hear movement going towards the door then it closing.

It is quiet other than the sound of Tori moving around in her kitchen. I clench my eyes shut and brave removing the pillow from my eyes. I succeed in sitting up and look around. My head is killing me so I concentrate on that before anything else. A few pills and the rest of the water from the glass have that taken care of.

I take my hands and move them over different areas along my scalp, neck and face in pressure points to try and relieve the pounding pressure and tension in my neck. With hangovers that isn’t going to take care of it all.

I groan and stand slowly. Tori is moving smoothly around the kitchen and I can smell her favorite tea brewing along with what smells like toast being made as well.

“Eric will be here soon. So you might want to get that tea…” She says as she turns and puts a cup of it in front of me then turns as the toast pops up and puts it on a plate “..and that toast in your system then get cleaned up.”

I frown as I grab the butter and honey she also put on the island. “Jeez, Tor. I didn’t realize you had guys coming over for morning house calls. Also, when did you and Eric become a thing...again?”

She snorts and shakes her head while she eyes me over her cup. “You know very well those rumors were short lived and untrue. Dauntless is just one big ball of gossiping old women.”

I smirk and take sip of the tea slowly. “Yeah but it was funny when I heard it. Who was it again that started it?”

Tori groans and shrugs. “Who is usually at the center of pranks around here? Pick a Pedrad they were both equally as guilty, deciding to play Chinese whispers using mine and Eric’s names.”

I laughed then grabbed my head and winced. “Fuck! I really have to remember why I don’t drink in the future.”

“About that...tell me what happened. I need to know to be able to handle whatever drama is going to happen between Eric and Four.”

I am frowning because try hard as I might I don’t have any clue why Eric would be involved at all. “Look I am drawing a blank here as to why Eric is even in the equation. I know I got drunk and was pissed off and probably had words with Four about it. So you tell me why the hell Eric would be coming here?”

A slow grin spread across her face and she shook her head. “Yeah no. I think I will sit back and watch this unfold. Drink up, time is ticking.”

She chuckled and swished away into her bedroom, her silk robe billowing out behind her. But the tone in her voice and the smile on her lips sent chills down my spine and made me wonder if what I really needed to do was just to get the hell out of there. It couldn’t be good that Eric himself was coming to get me. Seriously, what happened to my friends having my back!

I take a few gulps of tea but am already making my way over to where my discarded dress, heels and small purse are. At least I had the purse and a means to get into my apartment if my roommate wasn’t there. She better not be there because I am not a happy camper having to do the walk of shame, hungover as hell and running from Eric for something I don’t even remember doing!

By the time I hear the water of Tori’s shower turning off, I am dressed and scribbled a note on her entryway mirror in my lipstick. I feel a smug satisfaction as I slip out of the door and hear it click behind me. She had been so ready to leave me to deal with Eric, was even looking forward to it. Well let’s see how she liked me left high and dry with Supreme Leader Stick in the mud.

I make it into my apartment and have every intention of showering, taking more medicine while getting water in me; then passing out again in a darkened room.

Work has other plans. I am dripping wet and wrapped in a towel when I hear my phone going off. The ringtone is one that I have specifically for the extension in the clinic. As usual someone got called out to work medic with the patrols so I am being called in.

Dauntless have few trained medic nurses. Most come from Erudite and they work set hours during the week already leaving a shortage during the weekend. Should anything happen and even one single nurse not be able to make it in, things get backed up and in a hurry. Especially on a weekend. The patient turnover rate is insane.

I let them know I will be in and am already pulling on my black scrubs. I toss my hair up into a messy bun, pull on the shoes that make being on my feet all day bearable; then I am grabbing my regular bag and rushing out of the door.

I don’t even have to time to stop and grab anything to eat or drink and when I get there I hit the ground running. Most of the time our clinic sees minor wounds coming in. Things caused from training injuries or even the entertainment fights that go on. Even most of those don’t have serious crap that happens. They are heavily regulated. Broken bones, head injuries, and split lips are all just par for the course and regular in Dauntless regardless.

There is a bar though that serves a rougher crowd and allows some dirtier fighting. It is aptly named Big Shots, the name coming about because that is what frequents there. The big shots. The big bad fighters that crave a little more in the action. It is the only place that fights can be wagered on and apparently business was booming in there last night.

“What the hell went on last night?” I growled out to my Med Aide. She is rushing beside me with charts that are filling her arms.

“There was a bit of a brawl at the bar just before shut down, a few hours ago. Not sure what happened but it was bad enough leadership was called in and had to bring some guards to sort things out.”

“Jesus.” I sigh and start taking a few of the charts and resign myself to a long day. “Well let's get triage set up. Whatever is left over that hasn’t been gotten to yet we still keep with priority. I know that we already had a few appointments for just regular visit crap. Those are going to have to be pushed back.”

She nods and gets bustling as I walk into the curtained off area where the first of many of patients wait for me. A story starts to unfold for me with each person I see.

There was indeed a brawl. The guy that had been the current champion of Big Shots had gotten taken down, ending a four month long streak. Which considering this is Dauntless is pretty damn good. Anyways this had caused an uproar and things got out of hand. People claiming that it was rigged or he lost the fight on purpose. Either way it got bad enough that both Eric and Four showed up to get it under control.

Some of the injuries I treated were from one or both of the leaders and it had me shaking my head. I have said before that the two of them are more alike then either one will admit. There are differences of course. Major ones really and this was really only going by what I had observed of the two during training or other various encounters. It came down to them having the same goals just going about achieving them differently.

I don’t have time to reflect on more about either Four or Eric. I don’t have time to wonder what Eric could want with me when he hadn’t seemed to even know I existed for all of the three years I have been here. He certainly hasn’t seemed to care or consider in the multiple requests I have submitted for the addition of a few things to the med services that Dauntless provides.

Thinking about that particular subject always fans the flames of temper but add it with my thoughts of Rain and her leaving, I was a simmering mess at the moment. Which was a really bad time to suddenly be faced with one of the objects of that anger.

I had just opened the door of one of the private rooms with a chart in my hand. There was a knife wound to the ribs that would need to be stapled that had just come in. Whoever it was apparently had been part of the brawl but had only just now strolled in. He also got himself bumped up to be seen immediately.

I blame the fact that I still had a lingering hangover in addition to little sleep and no food on missing who that most likely meant it would be. I doubt the few seconds of preparation would have helped me from coming to stop or the muffled squeak I cut off thankfully.

Eric was leaning against the table in the room. Arms crossed over his chest and a pissed off expression marring his normally emotionless features. His eyes narrowed when I came in and they swept over me from top to bottom.

“About time.” He drawled out but didn’t move and was still studying me. “I got your note. Cute. You are lucky I had shit to do and didn’t come find you sooner.”

“I….” I swallow and take a steadying breath then square my shoulders and lift my chin. “You aren’t the only one that had things to do. As you can see I am busy handling that mess from Big Shots.”

I wave my hand in the direction of the waiting room which is full at the moment.

“Was there something medical you needed or was it just your pride that was wounded? Because I’m afraid I don’t have anything to help you with that.”

There goes my temper, making me talk out of my ass again. I was a little careless in how I was talking to the feared leader but I also knew I was the one in charge here. He is a leader but the health and well being of faction members trumped whatever personal slight he might think he received.

I was waiting for an explosion, after all he has and will always have a short fuse for disrespect. I never got it but I did get a deep chuckle while he reached down for the hem of his shirt then started a slow lift. If I hadn’t caught the slight wince and his eyes wrinkling at the sides I would have thought he was going slow in some type of arrogant tease.

It was impossible to deny the man had a spectacular body. It was impossible of me to deny that there was and had been a passing attraction and fascination with him. One that I didn’t give another thought to when it became clear there wasn’t a chance he would look my way.

He was wincing in the very slightest letting me know this wasn’t some kind of show or game. He was hurt in some way. I moved immediately and without thought. My hands pushed his away and I was whipping the shirt off and over his head. A feat because I had to do a very slight jump from my tiptoes. Damn my height.

He mumbled a thanks but I was already looking him over. He was definitely my knife wound. Thank god it looked to be more of a slash but even that was bad enough. They had used one of the serrated blade type of knives and it left the flesh a jagged mess.

“Table.” I hissed out the order with narrowed eyes and then spun to start gathering everything.

“You are a bossy little thing aren’t you?” He mutters behind me but I hear him sliding on the table so he at least followed the order. “Can you take orders as well as you give them?”

I was turning back towards him as he said this with a cocky smirk and the tone laden with innuendo. I ignored both and moved to the table to lay out all the supplies. One more look and I saw that he had tried to clean it up, maybe even started on trying to stitch himself back up but thought better of it. All it did was make it bleed more and would need to be cleaned again.

I started to prep a needle for anesthetic but he grunted out that he didn’t need that shit. I replied with an arched brow and smirk. “Okay, Dalton. Let’s see if that ‘pain don’t hurt’ philosophy pans out for you.”

I shake my head with a smile I can’t help after he gives a full on laugh and grins at me. “Well aren’t you just a fun sized package of surprise. The question is, was it the remake or the original?”

I scoff and move away to get something to clean the wound. “That isn’t a question. There was only the original.”

I come back with a small bowl of water that has a disinfectant soap with a slight numbing agent in it and a soft sponge to clean up with. I will also need to do a light irrigation of it after I clean around the area with the soap. I start to clean up by gently washing around the wound. I hope I am able to pull off the completely unaffected and un-intimidated demeanor I am going for. I already know that his intense and unwavering study of me along with the fact that I have to get in close to tend to him, has me all off kilter.

I don’t need this or to be feeling the stirrings of...whatever it is...right now. It already has caused me to lose sight of the impersonal role I should be taking on. Like for instance the fact that I completely forgot to put on gloves and am running my hand along his ribs with bare skin. It is too late to do it right away so I continue on cleaning then patting the area dry with gauze pads.

Once I am done I dump the bowl of water and make to put on gloves finally and he raises an eyebrow then shakes his head. “No gloves.”

I put a hand on my hip and shake my head. “I am afraid that I am required to wear them if I am going to have to close that wound. Unless you have some medical reason for not wanting me to wear them.”

God lord why did I say that? I know very well he doesn’t have one it would say it on the chart. I just gave him an excuse and from the look of that slow wicked smile that is crossing his face before he wipes it away and gives a nod….

“Yeah. Allergy.”

I hesitate. I could call him on it but I decide not to. I snort and push down the flutter I feel when I get close to him again. “Well that must put a damper on your love life.”

I am between his legs when I say this and inwardly curse myself for that timing. One of his arms is raised over his head to allow me access but I feel his legs squeeze just a little bit. As if he knows I realize where I am and he isn’t letting me go.

“I seem to manage just fine.” His words are purred and made all the more unsettling because the other arm moved so that his hand is resting against my hip. I ignored all that and work. I feel him holding his breath and release with when I start to staple but otherwise he doesn’t make a sound. Until he starts to talk.

“So what was all that about with Four? Last I checked you were pretty good friends with his little posse.”

I steal glance at him but he isn’t looking at me. I recognize what he is doing and that is trying to focus on something, anything, other than the pain. So the fearsome leader does feel. The thought that he is feeling pain and that I am causing it makes me frown. I shrug and hope that giving him what he needs will help some.

“I was…” I stop and squint while taking a breath. “Scratch that. I am angry about what happened with Rain.”

“You’ve seen others leave or get cut before. So why was it different for you with her?”

“It isn’t like I love seeing it with the others. Even in our initiation when those two girls dropped out I didn’t like it.”

He gives a huff causing me to look up and he is scowling. “You mean the girls that were also your terrorizers.”

I shrug not liking the memory of that or them really. I am honestly surprised he even remembers that. “I didn’t think we were going to be best friends and I would have been happy to never have to see them again. I still don’t wish being factionless on anyone, Eric.”

“Okay. I can...no I can’t get it. That’s not my style but whatever. So what made Rain the person that set you off on Four? Was it just something that was building for a long time?” Damn he was persistent and he could tell I was trying to get around telling him. “Tell me, Devi.”

“Because it could have been me okay!” I stop what I am doing, slam the tool down on the table and try to shove away but his legs lock around me. “Rain was from Amity, Eric.” I put my hands on his legs to try and pry them from me but the damn things are like the jaws of a locked bear trap and I looked ridiculous the longer I struggled.

I finally gave up with a huff. Exhaustion was pouring through me and I looked up to find him studying me. “She told me that she only chose Dauntless because of me.” I whispered finally and saw his look of surprise. “They talk about me there. How I was the perfect Amity and it was such a shame I left. She also said there is surprise that I made it. When her test came back and it was Dauntless, she wasn’t going to do it. Then she remembered hearing about me and thought if I could do it so could she.”

Understand flits in his eyes and he sighs. His hold loosening on me a little and he looks away. “So all that you said to Four was that just because of you feeling guilty?”

I shake my head and trying to think back to what all I might have said. Faint remnants of it come forward. “No. I was and still am very angry at him. It wasn’t all guilt. I don’t remember everything I said but whatever it was...I meant it. I don’t do it often but when I get drunk I become more honest. Less likely to just hold it all in.”

“Hmm.” Is his only reply as looks down at me again, a slow small smirk appearing on his lips. “Good to know.”

That is all he says and I squint waiting for something else but he just shrugs. I roll my eyes, look at his side and see I still need to finish. I pick up the stapler and resume my work. When I get to the last few ones I feel his hand that is on my hip trying to slip under the hem of the scrub top. His fingers graze bare skin and I jerk as the last staple goes into place.

He winces and curses but I don’t bother apologizing as I slam the tool down once again then push his hand away. “What the hell?”

He frowns at me and tilts his head. “You didn’t seem to mind last night when you were basically begging me to take you home?”

My stomach lurches into my throat and I shake my head. I wouldn’t have...would I? No. I am sure I didn’t do something like that. Yeah I could be more aggressive when drunk but I also wasn’t about to just throw myself at random people. I back away, or he lets me go, but he also follows closely. Cat like advancing slowly and with a smirk.

“If that is true then how did I end up at Tori’s?” I ask just as my back hits a cabinet.

“I know I am a bastard but even I won’t engage in sex with a drunk girl. What’s the point if she can’t sing my praises the next morning?” He gets in close and there is a teasing light to his words. A brushing off of trying to be noble or good with what he just said.

“So you think it is ok to just try to come pick up something that you are assuming I even wanted in the first place? Coming in here thinking that just because you lift your eyebrow my panties are going to get all wet and I am just going to spread my legs for you. That might work for you with the other girls but I am nothing like they are.”

I am trying to push and piss him off so he will turn around and walk out of here. He doesn’t and if anything he starts to get closer to me making my chest start to heave and my breathing go off. I have never felt the amount of heat radiating off someone and through me like I am now but I keep it together. Even as he starts get close enough that his nose brushed against me. Starting at my ear then down further.

“I am counting on that little Devi.” He whispers this just a hair's breadth away from my lips. My mouth goes dry with anticipation and despite my words I think I really do want him to kiss me. “I am very much looking forward to finding out exactly what you are made of.”

He moves even closer and I feel the slight skim of his lips against mine before he pulls away. I sway forward a little because I had been following him to complete the kiss that never came. He smirks and steps back still looking at me and bites his bottom lip before he turns and walks over to his the table and grabs his shirt.

He whips it on while I feel like I want to slap the shit out of the smug look on his face. I am still standing by the cabinet, just watching him with a growing scowl in my face. He grabs his jacket from a chair by the bed and a bag that was sitting under it. He walks back to me and presses the bag into my hands.

“You’re right. You are different but there is no escaping this or me now, little one.” He looks to the bag and smiles. “I expect you to eat all of that before you go see another person. I’ll be telling them out there you’re busy.”

I go to start to tell him off for what he is trying to do but he leans forward and before I can utter a word his lips seal around mine. It is so fast and forceful that I don’t have time to process that it immediately had me mewling for more before he pulled back and turned towards the door.

He turned as he got the door open and let his eyes linger on me. “I’ll be seeing you very soon, Devi.”

The door closed behind him and I sunk to the ground right there. My hand pressed to my lips and trying to figure out what the hell just happened. What the hell made Eric even look my way when he hasn’t before in all my years here.

Remembering the bag I still had clutched to my chest, I opened it to find a sack lunch from one of the best delis here. Inside was one of my favorite sandwiches, roast beef with a spicy mustard. The fact that he had that added made me wonder and question if Eric was as oblivious to my presence as I once believed?

[artificialqueens]

Spike (Shalaska) Silk- Chapter 2

Extremely sorry that this took so long to update. Things escalate with Alaska’s state of health and Sharon’s state of mind. Once again I would love feedback and criticism on the fic. Tell me what you want more or less of too. I hope you enjoy x

“No hospital"  Alaska’s eyes wide with fear stared at Michelle, breath rapid. He coughed once more and vomited into the bowl. Michelle rubbed his back this time, for Sharon was in a small state of panic. “Laska we need to get you some medical help baby, it’s so you feel better” Michelle’s words were firm but remained soothing. Alaska nodded, head still slumped forward too physically ill to protest with her. “I need to go-o again ” his teeth chatted with chills. “Go where ?” Michelle queried. “Toilet” Alaska strained. “Sharon can you help me?” Michelle was attempting to lift the 6ft+ queen under his arms to no avail. Sharon was frozen, unable to respond out of pure fear. “ Sharon for fucksake help me lift him !” Michelle yelled, piecing Sharon’s fear and snapping him out of it. The two hoisted Alaska up. Sharon cautiously removed the towel from Alaska’s cramped waist, in an effort not to expose him too much to Michelle. “Sharon I’ve seen more dicks then you have” Michelle stated, holding Alaska’s hand in comfort. Sharon ignored this, slightly annoyed by her comments only wanting to protect his friend in the state of vulnerability. They gently placed him on the toilet. “I’m going to go and call the ambulance and give him some privacy” Michelle whispered “Will you be okay ?” Sharon nodded, Michelle left the bathroom and proceded to make the call. 

“How are you doing Lask?” Sharon looked up at Alaska’s worn out exterior. “Why is this happening to me ?” He whispered on the verge of tears. “It’s okay, it’s okay” Sharon grasped the two of his hands and held them. “I don’t know, that’s why we’re going to find out at the hospital. Michelle and I will be there every step, don’t worry”. 

“Ouch, ow I’m in so much pain Sharon” he winced doubling over and shaking. “ It’ll be all better soon, I promise just let all those toxins out” Sharon rubbed Alaska’s belly in small circles in an effort to relieve the agony. He would swap positions with Alaska in an instant for him not to have to endure this. “I’m so embarrassed Sharon, I can’t ” his voice droned. “Deep breath Lask, I’m not here to judge. You need to relax and let it out otherwise it’ll be worse for your body” Sharon made eye contact with the younger queen, reassuring her. Alaska’s blue eyes were glazed with sickness and fear. “Relax, the pain will be over soon” He closed his eyes. “I cant do it” He was almost crying as another cramp shot across his belly. “I’ll go and give you some privacy if you like?” Sharon quired.  “No, please stay” Sharon began to rub his tight stomach once more. He finally relaxed and let go obeying Sharon’s instructions. To take his mind off the trauma, Sharon began to tell stories.

“I want you to think of that one winter in Pittsburg when the heater packed up. Cerrone, under the covers between us both. When you laughed at me practically crying at the thunderstorm, but everything was all right in the end?” Alaska looked up and for the first time that evening a smile spread across Alaska’s face “ I remember” he whispered. “You’re being so brave” Sharon continued to babble away into Alaska’s ear, helping to calm him.

The rosy fever coloured cheeks suddenly washed into pale white. A barking cough emerged from the younger queen unexpectedly startling Sharon. “Do you need to be sick again ?” Concern was in Sharon’s voice. The coughing continued, and Alaska’s panic only ascended. “I don’t feel so good” he spluttered, grasping Sharon’s shoulders.  “It’s okay, it’s okay I’m right here. Where do you feel sick?” He could barely keep his head in an upright positing, due to feeling faint and lightheaded. A final reach caused bright red blood to spill out of Alaska’s mouth, cascading down his chin and hands, contrasting with his pale flesh. 

Sharon’s hands were red, as well as the front of his T-shirt. He gazed up at Alaska’s mouth, coming to the realisation of what had happened. Chaos unfolded. “Michelle!!” Sharon screamed, petrified. “What’s happening? Sharon why is this happening?” Alaska’s voice was broken with anxiety and shaky tears. “Okay, okay he’s just vomited blood” Michelle informed the 911 operator as she took in the situation before her. “Justin, it’s okay honey they’ll be here in 5 you sit tight” Michelle put the phone on speaker and yanked a towel of the rack,  whipping the blood from his body. “Michelle what.. what’s happening?” Sharon’s thoughts and words were jumbled, he was shaking like a leaf “what do we do I don’t know…fuck Michelle…I can’t” Sharon was at loss for breath, still holding Alaska’s limp hand. “I can’t be here…” he rose to his feet quickly, but Michelle was quicker. Michelle’s slap echoed across the small bathroom. Sharon grasped his face in shock, but immediately stoped his hysteria. “You need to listen to me and help him” Michele’s voice was firm. Sharon immediately resumed the role of comforting Alaska. His face was as white as a sheet. “Lasky it’s okay, Michelle and I are here” He placed a kiss on his foreheadThe lids of Alaska’s eyes were heavy as he was slipping in and out of consciousness. 

“Michelle he’s losing it, we need to take him there !” Sharon pleaded. “You get him down to the basement and I’ll get the keys all right ?” He nodded, she was gone. “Alaska, we need to get you to the hospital okay ? I’m going to gently pick you up and carry you to the car. You’ll be safe in my arms, you’ll be okay” Alaska weakly nodded, fear penetrating her eyes. “You stay awake Lask”

He gently scooped up the limp queen into his arms, running through the corridors of the deserted hotel frantically. Blood was pouring out of Alaska’s nostrils. “Sha…” Alaska moaned. “It’s okay, we’re going to get help, I’ve got you” bolting through the lobby receiving a strange look from the receptionist, he reached outside. Michelle was already there, backseat car door open and ready. “Oh fuck” Michelle exclaimed as she saw Alaska’s body, so limp and pale. Blood pouring out of his nose. “He’ll be fine he’ll be fine, lets go” Sharon held Alaska’s in her arms as Michelle drove like a madman to the hospital. He took his hoodie off, draping it around Alaska’s waist to cover his penis and bottom since he was still naked from the ordeal. "Alaska are you still awake ?" 

"He’s slipping Michelle, how far are we ? Oh god…open your eyes baby. Justin we’re nearly there” slightly shaking the younger mans shoulders roused him from unconsciousness.“Remember our song Lask? Look into my eyes okay, I’m right here with you” Sharon proceeded to sing “Two Of Us” by The Beetles to a very ill Alaska. It had been their song when they were together, it often brought Sharon to tears when he heard it. “Two of us riding nowhere spending someone’s hard earned pay.Two of us Sunday driving not arriving” A lump formed in his throat, as he tenderly sang to his love. Michelle admired from the front seat, tears running down her cheeks. 

They pulled up right outside emergency “You take him in Sharon, I’ll park” Sharon gently cradled his limp body and ran into the sterile flurecently lit waiting room. They must have looked utterly horrific from the reactions of the other people in the room. An old man dry reached at the sight of the two. “I need some help here” Sharon yelled in desperation, scouting the room with his blue eyes. The triage nurse ran out of the station followed by half a dozen others. He was then bombarded with a dozed questions: “what’s his name? Date of birth? Was he drug affected? How many times has he vomited” He tried to answer the questions despite his shock. A stretcher was wheeled out and his Alaska’s lifeless body was hoisted onto it. A old male nurse placed an oxygen mask over his face. Alaska’s eyes were wide with fear at what was happening. “It’s to help you breath Lask, it’s okay it won’t hurt” The same nurse rolled his eyes at Sharon’s comforting tone and proceeded to abruptly remove Sharon’s jumper from Alaska’s waist exposing him. In horror, Sharon snatched the garment and tucked it around Alaska’s waist once more. “How FUCKING dare you humiliate him!" 

"Are you family?” The rude nurse bluntly questioned. “No, I’m his…” he was abruptly cut off “You can’t come back here with us then” the nurse proceeded to wheel the bed away. “No, you can’t do that, I need to be with him I need to. Please he needs me” Sharon was screaming the words as he hurried after, attempting to stop the bed from rolling. Alaska was putting her hand out with all the strength she had trying to hold Sharon. “Look you need to fuck off. I don’t like helping faggots but it’s my job. Do you want this fairy to live or not?" 

Suddenly Alaska’s body began to violently convulse, white froth spilling down his cheeks. "Alaska!” The team wheeled him through the white doors immediately, Sharon too emotionally unstable to catch up, collapsed to his knees and screamed Alaska’s name. Security guards began to roughly pick him up by the shoulders but were rudely interrupted by Michelle. “LEAVE HIM ALONE!” They immediately obeyed, muttering under their breaths at her. 

Michelle knelt beside him. “Michelle they’ve taken him…I don’t know what happened…he had a seizure…the nurse called me a faggot too they won’t let me see him” Aaron’s tough armour broke. Tears spilt down his cheeks, as he released his emotions. “Oh Aaron, it’s okay it’s okay” sobs wracked his body as Michelle tightly embraced him. “I need to see him” his voice was shaky. She rubbed his back in an effort to calm him down. “He can’t be left alone with that nurse” Sharon grasped for breath between each word. “Okay, let’s get you sitting down first” Michelle helped Sharon up, struggling to not let him fall over. “You need to calm down before we can do anything, okay?” He wasn’t listening. “I can't…oh my god…what are they doing to him” he loudly sobbed into his hands, eyeliner running.

“Aaron, look at me” Michelle was shell shocked at Sharon’s state, she had never witnessed him like this before. “Aaron, breath for me” she grabbed his face with both hands. Their eyes finally meeting. His eyes pooled with tears. “Breath in and out, I’m here we are going to sort this” Sharon drew a short sharp breath, suddenly spluttering and dry heaving. “I think… I’m going to be sick” He promptly paced toward the sliding entry doors, Michelle hot on his tail. Bending over a garden bed, he threw up. “Let it out, its just anxiety” she pat his back gently. He moaned in disgust when finished , feeling slightly better. “I’m sorry Michelle” they embraced for a long time tightly. “It’s not your fault, don’t be silly, it’s going to be okay” Michelle pulled back looking at Sharon’s face. “I look like a clown” he laughed between tears. “You look like Bianca Ms” They both smiled. Sharon drew a quivering breath, puffing out his cheeks as he exhaled. “We need to go in” he stated.