#on tumblr it's very like. oh I love the scene where don makes an old fashioned!!

[idonthaveacontract]

I think that mad men being visually stunning in so many different ways has created some kind of wall a lot of people can't get through to truly appreciate the writing and acting. idk how to explain it but so many people seem to have cordoned it off into a separate zone of appreciation. people want to look at it but they don't want to watch it

[katara0524]

Impromptu Ramblings about the NEO:TWEWY Demo

In case y'all weren't aware, I've been a pretty big fan of TWEWY for a couple years now, and with the sequel coming out next month, the excitement I feel for this game is greater than ever :) I played the Demo for the first time yesterday, and following a couple views of some livestreams of others playing it, I felt like sharing my (very ramble-y) thoughts prior to the release of the full game. This post WILL contain spoilers for both TWEWY and NEO:TWEWY, so if you want to avoid those from now on, please block the tags: #twewy spoilers, #ntwewy spoilers, #neo twewy spoilers, #ntwewy, and #neo twewy ^_^ Oh, and if you wanna keep up with any other posts I make about my experience with this game, please refer to the tag "kat plays neo twewy" :)

-First things first: I have not watched the Final Trailer and I don't plan on doing so to avoid spoilers, especially after the pre-release era of KH3 where a lot of the later trailers spoiled a lot of the endgame content. That being said, I've seen some minor screenshots from the final trailer including what many believe to be characters from the original TWEWY, namely Shiki and Joshua. That is all I know about the Final Trailer and I would very much like to remain as blind as possible going into NEO :)

-The very first cutscene was quite ominous in the sense that this game is likely going to be about "changing fate" (a recently common theme in Squeenix games, which I do appreciate), perhaps leading off from the end of A New Day in the OG and trying to stop an Inversion of Shibuya. Also worth noting that A New Day had similar aspects in which the main character experienced "future visions" of tragic events, although in A New Day these events were not able to be changed, while in NEO it seems like one of the main "powers" our protagonist has is specifically to rewrite these events and avoid a "bad ending." Very interesting indeed!

-I really like the revamped comic book style dialogue scenes, it's much more fluid and modern, which is an excellent direction for the series to take!

-I would love to have an actual PokemonGO knockoff of Final Fantasy creatures, please Squeenix that would be incredibleeeeee

-Also the LINE stickers??? Are so cute???

-I would just like to point out that Fret is an absolute treasure throughout this entire demo, he's hilarious and I will protect him with my life

-UHHHH don't like that Fret picked up some Reaper Pins just out of nowhere.....or the fact that they're apparently popular all over Shibuya.............did y'all not learn anything from the OG game or what lmao

-Okay so when I first got the "curry or ramen" scene and heard NPCs talking about the new curry place replacing the old ramen place I became IMMENSELY distressed that Ramen Don was totally cut from the game because....well, Ramen Don is a King okay?? But I'm glad to learn that no, he didn't fall off the face of the earth, he's still in business and he's the one opening the curry restaurant lolol. PHEW, crisis averted!

-.....I don't like the sudden appearance of a Wall Reaper and being able to read NPC thoughts. Wtf happened when they left the ramen place??? Are they playing the Game alive somehow?

-Okay so I have my own theories about this "Swallow" character and what they're up to but considering this is only the Demo and I still Have No Idea What's Happening, I'm just gonna say that I think Swallow intentionally led Rindo and Fret to the Crossing so they could join the Game. I mean, add in the fact that Swallow still communicates with Rindo during the Game and you've got yourself a suspicious character right there lol

-"Hey they're shooting off fireworks!" Fret honey that's not fireworks oof (see also: "*laughs* I'm in danger")

-WOOOOOO way to traumatize Rindo right off the bat like that LMAOO

-The visuals for the intro are VERY GOOD, the song is pretty decent until it gets all "screamo" (which I absolutely cannot stand sorry lol)

-Shoka is every Customer Service employee ever and I respect that

-Susukichi went from being "meh" to "WOW THIS GUY IS FUN" in the span of 10 seconds and I also respect that (he is also built like an Absolute Unit which is hilarious)

-The Wall Reapers (and just Reapers in general) seem.....way nicer and more helpful this time around?? Like in the OG the Wall Reapers were SO RUDE gfhjgjdfkhn and yeah I'm sure we'll get some like that but the juxtaposition of the first Wall Reaper in the OG compared to the first one in NEO is insane.

-The puzzles are quite a bit more entertaining this time around even if it's generally the same "fetch quest" formula lol

-"Rindo's Group" way to go Fret HFKJDGHSDFKJ mans really left the default name in there lmao

-OKAYOKAYOKAY so to those who aren't aware I am a MASSIVE SIMP for Sho Minamimoto, he's my absolute favorite and I think about him daily. HIS INTRODUCTION IS. INCREDIBLE. I LOVE IT SM.

-GOD hearing him actually SPEAK FULL SENTENCES is just SO SURREAL I love this sm

-Also the remix of his theme???? NEO TRANSFORMATION????? IT'S SO GOOD????????? It's like gone from a Boss Theme to a more triumphant sounding theme and I am HERE for it (every version of Transformation is just INCREDIBLE and getting a new one is even better)

-I Love Him, Your Honor

-Also idk how exactly but it's kinda weird seeing Sho in the OG vs NEO, cuz while he's mostly the same Insane Math-Obsessed Catboy, he's.....calmed down quite a bit?? Like OG made a whole point of how poorly he cooperates with others (not to mention just being completely unhinged and trying to kill everyone), whereas here in NEO he's......actually kinda working with others??? HELLO???? Sir what happened to you and Neku during those 3 years I would love to know all about it

-I guarantee you Sho is still probably scheming shite and will likely pull some total insane BS later down the road, and I am very much looking forward to that. Also, is he looking for a certain Pin or something??? Cuz he keeps talking about different Pins and even mentions "this is just another Psych Pin" like he's actively looking for a Pin to do something with. Maybe it also has to do with the "latent powers of Players" thing he mentioned as well??? What is this dude UP TO oml (also is he in contact with Neku at all?? they're both technically fugitives at this point right?? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER A NEW DAY I AM BEGGING YOU)

-I seems like Sho ALSO has an idea of what's going on in this specific game (even if he won't admit it straightforward). Per his quote "The game's 142,857. Factor it out," he's essentially saying, "This game is a neverending cyle, figure out how to get out of it" (or at least that's what I got from his "cyclic number" nonsense lolol)

-I do like how Sho mostly stays out of sight until he's needed for a battle or assisting with a mission, that's kind of on par with his whole "uncooperative" quirk from the OG, plus he might literally have to stay out of sight of other Reapers and Players considering he's likely breaking the rules of the Game (not surprising considering him and Neku broke practically every rule in the book during OG)

-The nicknames for Sho- I can't- They're so FUNNYYYY GFHJSDFKJ

-He goes from being called "Pi-Face" and "Tabooty" in OG to "Mr. Minami" and "M-Teezy" in NEO LMAOO

-(Wowee I just realized I've been mostly talking about Sho oopsies sorry y'all, this is what I meant by thinking about him almost daily he is THAT much of a fav of mine ghfkjsd)

-Okay RIP Fret and Rindo for not getting literally ANY explanation as to how the Game works OOF, that is kinda cringe that whoever gets the Pin earns points, not whoever erases the Noise (which like I understand but also URRRGGHHH I WANNA SEE THE SQUAD SUCCEED)

-"I should be going home now it's getting late" Oh you sweet summer child-

-Also love the mention of parents in this game???? KH you could learn a thing or two from TWEWY (poor Rindo's mom fhgjkdh)

-KUBO IS HILARIOUS I SUPPORT HIM AND HIS GROSS FACE (also thank you Final Trailer thumbnail for spoiling my suspicions about him very cool smh)

-Kaie is a LAD I also support him, go King type those funky texts I believe in you

-FRET PLS STOP SCANNING FHGJKSDHKJFGHFKJ he's like me when I scan in OG during Weeks 2 and 3 and see Taboo Noise coming after me ghfjdshfj

-Also Rindo can you stay off your phone for TWO SECONDS ik you're trying to figure things out but Fret is a jelly boi and I don't want him to be upset with you my guy

-Sho being an actual sorta mentor to the kiddos?? Who are you sir this is so unlike you ghfgskj what happened to the guy who tried shooting children in the face 8 times over LMAO (granted he's probably just using them but it's still nice to see him actually cooperating and sharing knowledge with the kiddos aaaaa)

-EYO EIJI OJI THE TIKTOK INFLUENCER IS BACK LMAO

-hgjkfshgkjf "we aren't glorifying capitalism on my watch" THATS SO FUNNY TO ME GFHJFSDGHJKS (also an all-orange ensemble is disgusting you deserve jail for one thousand years fkn Cheddar Goldfish Cheezit ass woman)

-WICKED TWISTERS NAME DROP EYOOO we love to see it

-gfhsgjf Poor Rindo embarassing himself for the sake of the Game that's incredible

-R e t u r n t o M O N K E. That is all.

-Dialogue during boss battles is HELLA cool i love that

-HHHHH THE KANON SCENE MADE ME A N G E R Y FRET STOP SIMPING MY GUY says the girl with a Literal Simp Encyclopedia and simps for pixels on a screen daily

-Can't wait to see the other Reapers :eyes emoji:

-CAN'T WAIT TO SEE NAGI MY BELOVED YEAHHHH WOOOOOO AAAAND that's about it for the demo lolol, I absolutely CANNOT wait for next month, this game is gonna be INCREDIBLE holy hell Prepare for more simping, more screaming, and more vibing from Yours Truly :) I fully intend on sharing more general thoughts like this on both Tumblr and Twitter so it's not just reblog-retweet-reblog-retweet with the occasional comment fhgskjd

If you wanna witness my insanity up close and personal I have a Square Enix Discord server called Sea Side Dreamers! You can look it up on Disboard, or you can add me on Discord @Katara0524#9244 for a direct link :) We have topics about Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, NieR, and ofc TWEWY (as well as other topics!), so if you want some good ol' chaos and chitchat, you're more than welcome to join!

[neurodivergentcosmos]

Opera Streams I’ve Seen So Far Ranking March 20-May 20

I’ve been spending the lockdown watching operas! I haven’t talked about my love for opera on Tumblr before and I’d really like to start doing that more! I’ve loved opera since I was 9 and I’ve been taking professional voice lessons to sing classical art song (since 14) & then also opera (since 17) (not pursuing music as a career though, more for personal joy). I’m a soprano but I also sing some mezzo material. So here’s a list of the 8.5 opera streams I’ve seen up to May 21! 1 (tie) Met La fille du regiment w/ Natalie Dessay & Juan Diego Florez: AH. AH. AH. My absolute favorite romance. The love between Marie (the canteen girl/mascot of a French regiment) & Tonio (young man from the other side) is so wholesome and good, and Natalie & Juan just have wonderful chemistry together. I was invested in their story from beginning to end. Definitely one of two of the most hilarious operas I’ve ever seen. I was practically dying of laughter from the interactions between Marie & her main father figure Sulpice to the music lesson scene. My heart broke when Marie was forced to leave the regiment BUT HAPPY ENDING DID HAPPEN YES YES YES. I loved how Natalie portrayed Marie as a “tomboy.” Natalie as Marie gives me a lot of gender euphoria feelings for my non-binary soul; her freedom in her army outfit & her discomfort in her dress really got me. Most importantly, this is the opera where I heard Juan for the first time. I’m in love w/ his voice. It was how he sang Tonio’s “Pour me rapprocher de Marie” aria where he pours out all his love for Marie  that did it for me. I was totally transported by his voice. When he hit the high C sharp at the end, I felt my breath leave my body for a moment and I was suspended in time for a brief moment & all there was in the world was the bliss of that note. & when the note ended, I came back to my body w/ a lasting sense of awe. It’s so hard to discover such a moment & I did.

1 (tie) Met Le Comte Ory w/ Florez, Diana Damrau, & Joyce DiDonato: The other most hilarious opera I’ve ever seen. OH MY FUCKING GOD I WAS ABSOLUTELY LOSING IT. By far the most wild experience watching opera I’ve had. I actually really liked that there wasn’t much plot b/c I could focus on the hilarity & music. Diana looked like a queen in all of her dresses & I may have loudly sighed “DIANA!” for the whole house to hear when she hit her first high E flat. My friends & I also screamed Joyce’s name a few times whenever she did an amazing run. God they’re the best trio. Juan playing Ory in disguise as a nun killed me. THE THREESOME SCENE MY GOD. My jaw was on the floor. I bet I could watch a million times & the joy of watching it would never get old. 2 Met La Cenerentola w/ DiDonato, Florez, Luca Pisaroni, Alessandro Corbelli, & Pietro Spagnoli: Officially my favorite version of the Cinderella story. I enjoyed the plot of Don Ramiro (the prince) & Dandini (the valet) switching identities & getting to be in on it. I wish there were way more women though. I could listen to Joyce do the coloratura runs in Angelina/Cenerentola’s final aria for days. Angelina just deserves the world & the portrayal of her as an abuse survivor felt very real to me. While scenes exploring that were at times difficult to watch, I appreciated seeing a production that to me actually addressed that part of the Cinderella story that I haven’t seen in other depictions of Cinderella so far. I’m intrigued by Angelina’s decision to forgive her abusive family b/c I’d struggle w/ that if I was in her position & I love that she makes her own choice. My fave aspect of La Cenerentola was that Ramiro was a fully fledged passionate character. I could write a whole post about him about the way he eschews social norms in some ways & how this makes him & Angelina’s love a more equal relationship. Ramiro throwing a chair at Angelina’s abusive family in rage over how they treated her made me feel a lot. Love this opera so much. 3 Met Un Ballo in Maschera w/ Marcelo Alvarez, Dmitri Hvorostovsky, Sondra Radvanovsky, & Kathleen Kim: ALL THE MUSIC IN THIS JUST WOW. Dmitri & Sondra both took my breath away w/ their voices in their duet. I was in awe of Sondra’s sound during her big aria. W/ Dmitri especially I just adored his vocal color & the way he completely embodied Renato in such a heart shattering way that I felt so much for Renato even when I was angry at him. Kim as Oscar is officially my 2nd fave trouser role (next to Le Comte Ory’s Isolier); Oscar was so adorable. I enjoyed watching Alvarez’s infectious overconfident energy as Riccardo & then his character development in the final act. 4 Met Werther w/ Jonas Kaufmann, Sophie Koch, & Lisette Oropesa: Most visually stunning opera production I’ve seen so far. A review I read described this production as more Charlotte’s story than Werther’s story, & I really loved how that centered Charlotte’s perspective. I really like that the opera allows characters’ actions & intentions to be ambiguous & open to interpretation. However, I do feel that the production didn’t explore enough certain aspects of Werther’s character such as his yearning for family. Jonas & Sophie have incredible chemistry & I could feel the tension every moment of their scenes. I must give a special mention to Jonas being incredible at singing soft. YES. & he’s a wonderful actor.  5 Zurich Werther w/ Florez & Anna Stephany: Very different production & I’d say it emphasizes Werther’s story. My absolute favorite thing about this production was that it centered how Werther’s search for love w/ Charlotte is also very much a search for the family he may not had experienced before. In that way, Werther singing “O Nature” looking at Charlotte’s family instead of literal nature made so much sense to me. While I think that some of the production’s concepts could’ve been executed better, the production’s attention to family as a theme & Juan’s portrayal of Werther were wonderful. I won’t compare Juan & Jonas’ vocals to each other b/c their voices are completely different from each other in terms of tenor voice type & thus what they each bring to Werther vocally is so different. I love both of them as Werther very much. Juan brings a lot of fiery passion to Werther that is intense & amazing to experience. 6 Met L’Elisir D’Amore w/ Matthew Polenzani, Pretty Yende, Ildebrando D’Arcangelo, & Davide Luciano: While not my favorite opera comedy, there were many funny scenes. Ildebrando as Dulcamara & Pretty as Adina were my favorites vocally & dramatically. I was very gay for Adina in her dress & top hat combo. I especially love that she still wore the top hat while in her wedding dress! Matthew was a great fit for Nemorino & the way he sung on “Una furtiva lagrima” was beautiful. 7 Met Macbeth w/ Anna Netrebko, Zeljko Lucic, Rene Pape, & Joseph Calleja: This was very good, but I personally didn’t feel emotionally connected to the action & characters. I love how Lady Macbeth is centered & Anna is a good actor. Rene as Banquo was my absolute favorite in this. OH GOD I LOVE HIM. MY FAVORITE BASS. I am in love w/ his vocal color & that he can sing w/ great power but also heartbreakingly soft. AH RENE.   8 1st hour & a half Met Idomeneo w/ Polenzani, Alice Coote, Nadine Sierra, & Elza van den Heever: I really wanted to like this one, especially as I’ve sung Mozart before plus I’d heard that Matthew is great in Mozart. Matthew & Elza were my favorites and I could not take my eyes off of them when they were on stage. Matthew as Idomeneo is absolutely up there among the best acting I’ve seen in opera. Elza as Elettra was incredible vocally & dramatically & I loved her chaos. Personally, I could only get the 1st hour & a half b/c the plot for me needed more forward momentum & this is mainly a production staging & libretto issue. So that’s the operas I’ve watched so far! Thank you for reading & I look forward to watching more!

[imma-lil-teapot]

Each TMNT Incarnation and Where They Stand With Me :)

(Nervous chuckle) ... Yeah no, I suck at titles. Moving on! 

Y’all can go ahead and skip this part if you’re not interested in senseless rambling and just wanna get to the TMNT fun~ ;) 

Soooooo, I’ve recently updated my Tumblr page to a blog dedicated to all my fandoms (musing, headcanons, writing, gifs, pics, the works, basically anything and everything in relation to them) since I wasn’t really ever doing anything with it other than using it to share pics mostly. But ever since I stumbled back into the TMNT fandom, I’ve been searching Tumblr for fan content and OMGOSH, did I hit the jackpot! Headcanons, fanfics, Turtle x reader stories, so much juicy stuff! Am hooked! Dunno why I never tried searching for similar stuff in the past for my other fandoms! I guess I just... didn’t realize there was so much content here. :O But anyway, I always wanted a place to share ideas and thoughts regarding my fandoms outside of sites like Deviantart and Fanfiction.net, and heck, it’s been here under my nose all this time... Y’all gonna have to forgive me; I’m an old fart. ;P (Insert image of Slowpoke for reference) So without further ado... 

LET’S GET THIS PIZZA PARTY STARTED! 

Imma start this blog off really simple and, as the title states, just give you all a small-ish idea of where each TMNT universe stands (or ranks?) with me, personally... Note the ‘personally’ part so please don’t feel offended if I don’t share the same opinion as you on a particular verse. ^^; I have my own tastes and will respect the next person’s when it comes to them. ;) Also, please beware the typos (which there most definitely will be)...

IN RELEASE DATE ORDER: (Hopefully they’re right)

MIRAGE COMICS~

Imma just say it: I haven’t read any of them yet. :/ There probably are sites out there that would allow you to view them online for free, but in truth, I’ve been a little slack about trying to find any... That may however change someday as I always tell myself I should really seek out the source material so it’s only a matter of time. What I do know, however, is that they’re of course a lot darker than most incarnations (which I don’t have a problem with personally) and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious as to exactly how much darker. X’D The closest I’ve come to ‘knowing’ these Turts comes from watching the Turtles Forever movie and they weren’t in it for a long time so it’s very difficult to say what they actually mean to me, so we’ll just put these guys down in the ‘not sure’ column for now. ;)

1987 CARTOON~

HAHA~ I think any fan of the franchise as a whole knows this little gem! The series that really hit it off and spawned over a 190 eps! Quite an impressive feat for a Saturday morning cartoon! It made its way to TVs the year before I was born, but it would take another few before it would reach our tubes (we’re always a few years behind the rest of the world :/ ) so I was around four when I was first introduced to it and needless to say, I loved it back then! Michelangelo was initially my fav due to him being my older brothers’ fav and the one they mainly spoke of, but it didn’t take long before my favering gravitated towards Leonardo (even at such a young age) and has been that way ever since. ;) But where exactly does the series stand with me as an adult nowadays with so many other verses we’ve been exposed to? I do hold a lot of nostalgia (as many older do) for it, and I mean, come on, that theme song is ageless, and I even started watching a lot of vids involving the original VAs and the shenanigans they get up to and seriously, it’s so heartwarming and fun to see them! But I have to be honest...

It’s not my fav verse, honestly. I will always adore them, of course, because of the nostalgia and the goofiness... But it’s the latter that’s mostly the reason for it being placed a bit lower on the favoritism ladder. While its a fun watch if you want something lighthearted, I still prefer the idea of the darker undertones that comes with being associated with ninjas. It’s just a preference. Plus, the Turtles designs are big one for me, and I’m sorry to say, but I keep seeing these fellas as more frog-like than turtle, despite the shells. X’D So yeah, no big reasoning for it, and even if someone were to ask me if I like these guys, I’ll still say yes, just that they’re not my ultimate fav is all. ;)

Also, we won’t talk about the Japanese Anime Ninja Turtles: Superman Legend or something to that extent... We’ll just let that one be gently swept under the carpet. ;) Only ever saw the trailer for it and that’s all I’ll ever need to see in my lifetime.

1990 MOVIES TRILOGY~

Now funny enough, I really don’t remember ever seeing these movies as a kid, though it’s possible I did and just maybe blocked the memory, but I highly doubt it... So yeah, I saw these movies as an adult already. The first is praised by most fans, and honestly, I can see why: it’s pretty good! :D The acting is very decent and the humour’s brilliant! The two sequels... not so much but still okay. ;) Where they sit with me... Not too far on the ladder again I’m afraid. :/ While I do really enjoy and appreciate the acting and that humour (”I made a funny.” X’D) it mostly comes down to the Turtles designs again... I really can’t see past them being actors in costumes rather than characters. :’( Granted, good actors. ;) And heck, Jim Henson did a phenomenal job! They’re just not really the movies for me is all, even if I do go back and watch ‘em every now and then. X’D I do however melt every time at the scene in the first movie where Raph wakes up in the bath and Leo’s there and apologizing and all... Makes me all gooey inside! X’D The feels are real! Speaking of Leo, though, he sounds even younger than Mikey. Small nitpick, that, but... why? X’D

But yeah, let’s just say, they’re good movies, just, not my favs.

Also, Coming Out Of Their Shells tour... Yeah, I’m gonna just... pretend that doesn’t exist for a minute. 

THE NEXT MUTATION~

Nope.

Saw one ep as a kid and am not interested in seeing anymore.

Although, VA Matt Hill voices Raph. That’s one good thing.

2003/2k3~

Well it wasn’t already apparent by my avatar... Ladies and gents, I present to you... My fav TMNT verse to date! Oh my goodness, where do I even begin with this delicious series?! :D Firstly, animation: so appealing, comic book-y style! Their designs: without sounding pervy, veeeeeeeery appealing (hehehehehe), no seriously, they sometimes have a bitta bulk to them but it honestly works, and dem muscles, and the cool eyes! The VAs: spot on! Perfect! Wouldn’t have ‘em any other way! Make me melt, Mr. Michael Sinterniklaas~ (cough) Their personalities: Omgosh, just yes! So perfect! They’re easily differentiated and yet still work together so well. Leo’s mature and level-headed (well, most of the time ;P ) yet still gets tested a lot and even has a fun side that’s shown on occasion. Raph’s grouchy and violent but is shown on more than one occasion that’s he’s total softie and really does care. Don’s just a sweetheart and freakishly smart and even has slips ups from time to time. Mikey... omgosh, best Mikey ever! So much fun! So hilarious! And just a bundle of energy, but not at all an idiot like he’s sometimes portrayed in other verses. He’s witty, mischievous and just so adorable! Heck, even Master Splinter, April, Casey, the lot of them are just awesome in this series! And wow, they really do lean more towards the source material (or so I’m told) when it comes to the plots! It’s darker than the other previous verses yet still remaining kid-friendly (although I question it at times XD) and omgosh, it’s just everything I want in a TMNT universe! Granted, it’s not perfect perfect, but it nailed it for me. ;) It really showed so lovely character developments, alsortsa different genres, the humour will leave you in stitches, the Turts are all just so lovable, I can’t get enough of them! This series was really my high point and I’ve yet to find one that tops it~

Btw, this even includes Fast Forward and Back to the Sewer (BTTS). The former being my least fav of the series simply due to the setting and again, it’s just preference. I even liked BTTS, even though I’m not overly fond of a cyberspace setting, but I found myself really liking the art style and the general plot. :D 

2007/2k7~

As with the last, if you’ve picked up on the page’s header/banner, you’d have probably guessed that the 2007 movie is also a good candidate for one my favs... And you’d be correct. ;) I’m actually very fond of this movie, and it’s largely due to the Turtles designs. I love how they were done! They just look so cool! <3 Subtle differences tell the viewer who’s who even if they didn’t have a mask or weapons. The VAs were also pretty good~ Now, the story isn’t the greatest, I’ll admit. Personally I thought it was okay, but know many fans think otherwise. But I did like the confrontation between Leo and Raph! It got real there, peeps! :O Now here’s also where it falls a little on its face for me: I didn’t really like how they handled Leo’s personality (if you haven’t already picked up on it, yes, I’m a Leo fangirl and I’m picky when it comes to how they handle his personality) but it’s a nitpick again, yet, I still feel compelled to state my opinion: the whole “I’m better than you.” comment really took me back and made me think they pushed it. I honestly like to believe he’d never actually say something like that... at least, 2003!Leo wouldn’t. X’D But that’s just my problem: I’m comparing a different verse’s Leo to this one and whether I like it or not, he said it. :/ Oh well, it still made for some fun action scenes and I’ll still always like the movie.

Bit of a goof on my side: I honestly thought that this movie was made to tie in with the 2003!verse due to the timeline in which it was produced, but turns out, it’s actually closer to the 1990′s timeline although still considered it’s own verse.

2012/2k12~

Oooh boy, lemme prepare for the backlash real quick... I’m uhhhh... not a fan of these boys. :/ I don’t mind them, but I’m honestly never gonna watch the series again. It’s hard to top your fav when you’ve kinda already hit your high point, ya know. Now before you light your torches and sharpen your pitchforks, hear me out: I will never bash the series, or make fun of anyone who likes it! Or anything to that extent! It’s just wasn’t for me, plain and simple, and it’s got nothing to do with it being ‘new’ or I’m just an old fart stuck in my ways. Heck, If you’re still reading, you would’ve found out that even nostalgia couldn’t beat the series that grasped me in my teens! So no, it has nothing to do with age. But if you do need a reason: I wasn’t overly fond of how they handle the characters. For one, they look and act a bit too young, Mikey is just... wow, something else. Donnie’s... sheesh, pretty snappy and antagonising. Raph’s well... okay, he’s meant to be angry half the time, and they did give him some more layers with Spike and Mona Lisa and whatnot, but he still kinda never learns his lesson if I can say that? He’ll learn that he shouldn’t cause issues with others, yet next episode he’s back at it again. :/ Leo’s... wow, just not like other Leos. X’D Best way I can describe him is... young? Very childlike. And even when he was progressing to becoming this better leader, I honestly couldn’t even see the change. My mind was just stuck on this “He’s a babeh.” notion. Also, I’m not even gonna start on this April and Casey. Just. No. Most of the characters were annoying and I just kept seeing recycled plot after plot. What I did like was the romance that blossomed between Raph and Mona (albeit far too rushed) and even Donnie liking April was adorable (but seriously Donnie, you can do so much better), and there were some really heartfelt moments, like Splinter telling Leo to leo his brothers with his heart and not his head, and the scenes when they were Tots will always make me squeal... But yeah... without leaving any spoilers.... about Splinter... just... thanks, Nickelodeon. Y’all know what I mean. Not once... But twice.... Really? So yeah, look, I realized some of those reasons might even be petty, but again, it’s just not the series for me, but anyone who’s a fan... You keep being a fan! ;) I’m glad you can enjoy something I can’t. ;)

2014/2k14/2016/2k16 AKA BAYVERSE~

HAHA~ Every fan’s favorite... If only. X’D Jokes aside, despite many fans claiming the Bay movies ruined the franchise, these two films gathered a small following... And I’m apart of it. :) Funny enough, I honestly didn’t know what to think of them when the movie first came out. I think I was just taken aback by the sheer amount of detail and all that went into their designs. I didn’t not like them, but again, their designs were a lot to take in. :O Even now after seeing the movies quite a few times over, I find myself constantly discovering something I didn’t notice on them before, be it a strap or a scar etc. And it honestly took some getting use to their sizes, I mean, sheesh! :O Not to mention the different background story, and Megan Fox’s wooden, expressionless acting, but despite all that... I found myself actually growing attached to these hulks of Turtles. They still have a lot of that heart in them and plus they’re just so much fun, I mean, can we say ‘Elevator scene’? X’D Now again, not perfect by anys mean, but still fun and pretty decent incarnations to add to the franchise. Again, Leo’s been given this ‘Better than you’ a bit which irked me to be frank. Not always but it’s there sometimes, but otherwise alright. Raph’s a decent Raph. Even had some tender moments. Donnie’s adorable! X’D This slightly potty mouthed geek that you just gotta love. And Mikey... although given that bitta ‘idiot’ feel, is also just as lovable and you want to hug him every time he’s onscreen! 

In short, I like ‘em. :) They’re actually closer to the top of the ladder than some others.

RISE OF THE TMNT/ROTTMNT/2018/2K18~

Yeeeeeeeeuuuuuuh... no. Sorry. Not for me. :/ Again, gonna remind y’all, nothing to do with age. Nothing to do with change. I will say that the fluid animation is nice, and the fact that they chose 2D animation. :) Buuuuuut, wow, they were certainly a lot to take in. Almost as much as Bay’s Turtles. After watching a few eps, I will conclude that they really just aren’t what I’m looking for. I found that the constant joking, while sometimes funny, got a little bit much, plus such short eps. Raph being leader was a switch and one that took awhile to get use to and honestly, I’m just not for it, I don’t even know where to begin with Donnie, Mikey’s okay, Leo... (deep breath) I don’t know what they were thinking... Let’s not even go to Master Splinter. But anyways, I get that change was what they were going for and that it was more so based on the 1987 toon with the silliness so that’s fine. I’m glad it’s got so many fans. :) And honestly, I wanna end off just by saying...

That no matter what your thoughts on what I’ve said, I hope you can respect my opinions and choices cause at the end of the day, they’re just my own, and I will always respect yours! :D If you adore the verses I’m not too crazy about, that’s great! :D I want you all to love the heck out of them! And honestly, this is what’s so great about this franchise: there are so many verses to choose from! So many options and tastes to suit any and all! You don’t have to follow the masses! You go enjoy whichever incarnation(s) you want to! ;) 

And there we have it, my first fandom bloggy thingy~ Hope there’ll be many more where that came from! :D

This is Drag0n-Mistr3ss signing off~

[kurtty-drabbles]

Noir Modern (Book Cover)

N/A: based on an image I saw and some conversations with djinmer4, again, to be different from her Noir AU, mine will be a Modern version.

@djinmer4 @sailorstar9 @dannybagpipesarecalling @discordsworld @look-ma-no-hands336

Kitty Pryde first book, the Count and I, was a phenomenal book that was written as a joke, in fact, the success of the book is so apparent that the publishing house and Netflix want another book to create more media and so, she has a new contract to fulfil.

"A book about a dark comedy" Kitty is explaining to detective Logan, as she is using her Ipad for a moment "Yes, that´s my next adventure, the idea is to make a story of a lovely woman that is always on the wrong time and place and the police think she´s a serial killer" Kitty now puts her Ipad down and is using her red pen and an old block.

Logan frowns at Kitty as she writes something, Logan looks at Dr Wagner who is with a dreamy look on his face and is back at the suspect, Kitty Pryde, the innocent writer and future wife of Dr Wagner and also, the serial Killer knows as the Demon. Logan can take the info about this woman and end this cat and mouse chase.

"Anyway, I know you´re a busy man and my fiance drag you here to help me. I appreciate that" she offers a polite smile and Logan can count on his fingers how many times Serial Killers are polite and kind as she is. "I want to make a few questions about how a detective would act in this scenario to get the veracity down to a tee"

Logan never stops frowning. "And you get much about veracity" he mutters and adds as Dr Wagner is crossing his arms and shaking his head "You seem to like killing your characters a lot" the tone has an insinuation there that Kitty mistreated as a fan and offers an explanation.

"Well, Nathaniel´s death was cathartic for the plot and the story, you see, Nathaniel was the man the protagonist inspired to follow his dream, but, Nathaniel is also a terrible person and one good deed does not erase all the horrible actions he did" Kitty explained feeling giddy for offer explanations of her own characters and their actions.

Logan is bemused. "Is an interesting way to kill a character, making an empty syringe on the toes seems very ...innovative, what inspires you to use such a method?" Logan asked seriously as Kitty is writing down something and answers.

"Oh, my original idea was to rip his head off, but, Kurt" her voice has that sweetness of a woman in love and Logan can say he did hear this type of voice direct to him in the past. "suggest me to use this methods as the killer, Regina, wouldn´t have the proper strength to chop the head, so, this seems easier"

Logan nods. "Is an interesting way to kill someone, did you know Roger Clarson was murder in the same way?" Now Kitty stops writing and shakes her head, saying she has no idea, and Logan is not buying on her expression, but, as Dr Wagner is looking so enamoured at he doe eyes gaze, Logan can say someone in this table is being a fool.

"Can I make some questions about your work?" Kitty asked with her notebook in hands and Logan nods. "In my book, the Wrong number, Lacey is a woman that just spot a dead body on the lobby and the police is making questions, what a detective would think of this situation?"

Logan scratches his beard and looks at Kitty as a hawk look at a prey. "Every Serial Killer likes to visit their victims and the place of murder, so, the detective is really suspicious of this woman" and he adds "where are you in August of 12 of this year?"

Kitty blinks and answers thoroughly. "I was here with Kurt, talking with my agent about the book, I think me and Emma had the longest conversation in my entire career. Kurt" she calls the man with a question marked visible on her pretty face "How long I was talking with Emma that day?"

Dr Wagner is smiling, albeit, no one is asking why. "I think it was 3 hours, no, wait, 4 hours, I know cause the phone bill was big, Emma did reject the first idea for the book and you were trying to navigate on the second idea, which by the way, I prefer this idea more than ..."now his face frown and he clearly is displeased "random serial killer that kills woman who cheats, that is a weak plotline that writers need to give up"

Kitty nods "Yes, I remember now, 4 hours talking with Emma Frost is something I don´t want to repeat" Kitty is writing down and make some questions and Kurt can say how she was focused on the talk that she didn´t even notice him leaving and returning.

"Anyway,  next question, on the second murder, Lacey meet a body on the garage and calls the police, what the detective would think?" Kitty asked and logan replied without missing a beat.

"Serial Killers like to call the police to avert attention, by the way, on your book, a character is killed by being drawn on water, a plastic bag with water seems a cruel way to kill..." Logan is too focus on Kitty to notice Kurt.

"That´s entirely on me" Dr Wagner is looking at Kitty as she explains herself with that giddy expression, oh, the woman loves to talk about her characters and plot "you see, Mariele was a woman who did gain money on drawing people´s dream and I thought this could be a fitting death"

Logan now is writing something on his own notebook. "Do you know Maria Rudolph? She was murder in similar fashion...and the woman was a notorious hater of you"

"No," she said seriously. "I don´t read the newspaper so thoroughly as you, and I´d have several haters, just go to Tumblr you´ll find thousands and thousands of posts saying how I´m evil for killing Nathaniel"

Logan and Kitty continue until the time is over. Kitty believes she has everything for the book, however, Logan is not over. "This woman, Lacey, is she the real killer?"

Kitty now perks at this, smiling brightly. "Oh no, she is often going to see her hot doctor" she is now looking at Kurt amused at his reaction " a hot German doctor from Berlin, see? totally different, Kurt" an inside joke is thrown among them, but, Dr Wagner is still with that fond smile " Is the doctor who commits the killers and Lacey never knows"

Logan looks alarmed to Dr Wagner, but, the German man is bemused at his reaction. Kitty is clueless at this.

"Logan, mein Freund, my Katzchen has a creative mind, don´t you think?" Dr Wagners offer a winning smile and Logan looks at Kitty, a new possibility arrives in his mind, maybe, she´s not the demon...but, maybe she has a connection with the killer.

"Yeah, a big imagination, but, careful or people will not understand the difference between fiction and reality" Logan warns with a strong gaze.

"Well, we need fiction and reality, we need a healthy dose of each other" Kitty speaks calmly. Logan´s guts tell something is odd in this scene, but, he can´t say what. Dr Wagner is still smiling at this scene.

[trainsinanime]

Carmen Sandiego vs. She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

The two Netflix shows I binged this weekend were Carmen Sandiego and She-Ra and the Princess of Power. In both cases, I had never watched or played any of the original content, I just heard good things (generally true) about these shows here on Tumblr.

What I found fascinating is that She-Ra arguably ticks more of the boxes of stuff that I want, but I overall ended up enjoying Carmen Sandiego a lot more. This post is basically just me thinking out loud trying to understand that. As such, the usual disclaimers apply: This is only my opinion, not a fact. Nor do I mean to say that She-Ra is bad. It's still a good show, and easily beats Voltron. On the other hand, Carmen Sandiego isn't perfect either, and it doesn't reach the level of, say, The Dragon Prince or, off Netflix but on the subject of reboots, Ducktales.

First of all, She-Ra is in many ways more interesting, because the show has much more human drama elements. Especially the complicated, messy relationship and conflict between Adora and Catra is great. Carmen Sandiego has nothing similarly dramatic. She-Ra also deals with topics like growing up, diplomacy, friendships and so on.

Carmen Sandiego, in contrast, is a very straightforward cartoon, with very clear good guys, very clear bad guys, and no moral grey area to speak of. Yes, Carmen does things that are illegal, but it's for a good cause and she looks cool while doing them, so it's okay, the show tells us. Her relationship with her former classmates also lacks depth and nuance by comparison. Sure, there's a lot of "how could you?", but no moment where either side doesn't know what to do with the other.

Style

What does Carmen Sandiego have that She-Ra doesn't? The most obvious thing is certainly style. She-Ra doesn't look bad and has some good character designs, but the overall style is fairly standard fairy tale planet threatened by evil machinery. There are hardly any things that feel like fresh new ideas, visually speaking. On the other hand, Carmen Sandiego has a gorgeous glamorous South Park Art Deco style, where every single frame is very obviously that show only. And look at those frames! The careful choice of color palette to give every scene and every episode its own visual identity while remaining true to the overall style is just amazing. Maybe that's superficial, but there's a reason why these are animated shows instead of podcasts.

Also, maybe that's just me, but I love classic James Bond, by which I mean anything pre-Craig (you heard me), and similar things. Hell, even Jason Bourne has more similarities than differences. Carmen Sandiego taps right into that whole aesthetic, and I just love that. Even if the trains are not very good represenations. Oh, it's a cartoon you say? Well, they had no problem drawing that old Peugeot 309 or the old Range Rover perfectly, now did they? I did choose this URL for a reason, folks.

Needs more Ca-Characters

Carmen Sandiego also has the good sense to make its best character, Carmen herself, the hero of the show. No matter who is around, Carmen is always the most interesting person in any scene. In She-Ra, the best character is not She-Ra but Catra. Catra is constantly conflict, smart but angry, hurt by Adora and missing her. Her relationship with Adora is portrayed as both very important and providing much needed warmth to both of them, but also as being dysfunctional in a lot of ways. That's awesome! When we get to see it.

Sadly, most of the time, the focus is Adora and her new friends, a group that is literally called "Best Friends Squad" and has all the narrative depth and drama you would expect given the name. Meanwhile Catra is off growling in the distance. I honestly don't care much about Bow and Glimmer. Glimmer at least has a bit of a conflict with her mom, but Bow doesn't get any conflict, backstory or personality; he doesn't even get a name of his own and is instead just called after what he's holding most of the time.

I'm obviously exaggerating here, and it's not like e.g. Carmen Sandiego's Zack with his "I like most food but not all food" is really much better. But in Carmen Sandiego, that relationship is a fun friendship on the side, not the emotional core of most episodes. It's no coincidence that the best episode in She-Ra is the episode that has no Bow and Glimmer, and is instead all about Adora and Catra and the history of their relationship. Honestly, if the show had been all about Catra, with Adora doing her thing somewhere in the background, this post might well have been the other way around.

Carmen Sandiego, meanwhile… look, let's not beat around the bush: Carmen is sexy as hell. I don't mean just the amazing character design and fashion style: There's also the amazing voice acting, body language, and most importantly her entire demeanour. I think I'm kind of in love with her; the only question is whether that makes me too emotionally compromised to do this comparison, or whether it proves that CS is winning. What I do know, from looking at Tumblr, is that my response seems to be the default one that most people have when seeing her.

That aside, Carmen is also just plain fun. In a world of "I don't know if I can do this, and if yes, how", it's nice to have a protagonist who knows she's awesome and has full confidence in her own abilities. I don't mean to diss the "how do i become hero" thing, I really loved Into the Spider-Verse (make no mistake, that's on a whole other level), but damn, it is nice to have someone who is that suave. I think this ties back into my love of James Bond, because this is very similar; only this time, the prettiest lady is not a mere love interest, but the awesome main character.

Adora generally lacks memorable attitude, she doesn't seem to view her job as something that's fundamentally fun, and she doesn't really do much to differentiate her from most other Luke Skywalker wannabes out there. Though the few times when she does, e.g. the intense preparation for the ball or the arm wrestling matches with the annoying captain guy, are awesome.

The writing's on the wall

Ultimately, a lot comes down to the stories the shows tell and how they tell. And in that regard, it seems at first like She-Ra has the edge: The stakes are high and there's a strong overarching plot, while in Carmen Sandiego, the entire planet is not under threat and nobody would notice if you reordered a few of the interior episodes.

But I cannot help but feel that Carmen Sandiego maybe tries to do less, but is way better at doing what it wants to do. Its clear focus is one of its biggest strengths (apart from all the other ones). The show never hesitates to go straight for the things that it is awesome at; the heists, the action, the adventure, and the odd geography fact. In contrast, She-Ra has a lot of things that don't feel fresh or interesting. Going to a village, defeating the big bad there, then recruiting them for the rebellion? Going off in search of a training montage? Realising that you shouldn't only rely on your superpowers? Realising that your strengths lies in your friends even if they're generic and boring and seriously does Bow have any sort of background at all? I've seen that before and done better in things like Avatar: The Last Airbender (why don't more people compare Catra and Zuko? It's because it's too obvious, isn't it? That's the only explanation that makes sense to me).

Ultimately that's what this all comes down to: Stronger visuals, stronger characters, and a laser-like focus on the things that make it awesome all serve to make Carmen Sandiego the show that I'm obsessed with right now, and She-Ra just another show that I watched and generally liked.

Not everything's a competition

While I am talking about both shows: I've seen people argue that Carmen Sandiego and She-Ra have very similar premises, with the girls who grew up in an evil school, then left once they realised they were in an evil school. Personally, I'm a big fan of that trope, and while I think it has its issues, there's nothing wrong with more of that. But Adora and Carmen aren't really that similar besides following a (fairly mild version of) that generic background plot. In particular, Carmen as the master thief for chaotic good and Adora as the honourable warrior are on two completely different paths (though I could totally imagine them being friends), and the resulting stories are completely different.

By the way: My favourite incarnation of this sort of background right now has to be Violet Evergarden, where the brainwashed child soldier does not become an amazing child soldier for the side of good, but instead a professional love letter writer. It's poignant, beautiful, and I'm never going to stop telling people to watch it.

[kathubs]

hey katie--could you do a ranking of all of the amber benson movies you've seen, from favorite to least favorite? :)

This is an EXCELLENT question, thank you, Clem! I took it a little too seriously maybe (and i’m a little drunk and long-winded), but you asked, so I’m giving a good answer ;) 

I pulled out my handy dandy masterlist of Amber’s work and started categorizing her movies! (fun pic to clarify that i am the world’s biggest nerd)

Also please note that these are just my opinions - I am by no means a film critic or an expert on anything, I’ve just seen a lot of Amber Benson movies! 

Never seen: (if anyone has links, send em over please)Hollywood, PennsylvaniaLong Island Confidential

Not yet released: The Griddle HouseSelling IsobelThe Nightmare GalleryGlossary of Broken Dreams

Here’s where it gets fun!

Terrible:Act Your Age - this movie is not very good, and she’s hardly in it, so it gets a “terrible” ranking, yikes!

Meh all around (worst to best):The Blue Tooth Virgin - she’s in literally two minutes. i couldn’t watch the restDon’s Plum - i’ve only seen her parts! and apart from her face, i found them pretty unlikeable. :/ SFW - she’s in like ten minutes at the end. looking very adorable with round cheeks and round glasses. the rest of the movie is just okJack Reed (all three) - TV movies. She was SO YOUNG but she’s only in a couple scenes each. From what I’ve seen, they’re fine, nothing groundbreakingSimple Things - this is just bad, and she’s not really in it that much, but it could be worse. somehow. don’t ask me howKiss the Bride - again, i’ve only seen her parts, and they’re underwhelmingThe Crooked Man - so she plays a nice mom, and then she has a shotgun, and then she wears scrubs and gets murdered. she’s so pretty and tragic. but the whole movie is just…. so shitty and she’s only in 10 minutes of it. so it’s meh

Okay for plot, not for Amber:The Prime Gig - this is actually a pretty good movie! i enjoyed it. she’s really not in it much at all - definitely a background character, and she only has a few lines. but i sat through the whole movie and she looks super badass in her few appearances.Imaginary Crimes - another background character, but with many more lines this time. she’s very young and very adorable. another movie where i watched the whole thing, because it was good all around, and not just for her face! 

Okay for Amber, not for plot: Taboo - oh my god, Taboo. I rewatch this all the time because she’s extra hot in it - she plays drunk the whole time, and at one point wears a nightie and a collar - but oh my god it’s so bad. the plot is weird, the dialog is stilted, the acting is so wooden. just a terrible movie, but with one hot amberIntermedio - see above! she had a broken foot when they filmed this, and is on crutches the whole time. her hair is super long and she wears a pretty short skirt. those are the biggest selling points…. oh and she gets chopped in halfTripping Forward - ugh, i kinda hate this movie, because the leading guy makes me feel uncomfortable. i just don’t like his face or voice or personality. but amber is beautiful and cool and has streaks of blue in her hair. honestly you should skip watching this movie and just look at the beautiful gifs maria made insteadHoliday Wishes - this is hard, because it’s pretty bad, but i want to like it! it’s a christmas movie, she’s in love with a ghost, there’s some body switching, ugh. the plot just really irritates me and i find different things to complain about every time. and whoever dressed her should be fired. but she’s pretty and she’s the lead actress, so that has to count for somethingOne-Eyed Monster - never tell amber this, but i don’t like this movie…. she really likes it so it makes me feel bad to dislike it :/ it’s about these people shooting a porno in the mountains. she’s the makeup artist. ron jeremy’s dick gets possessed by an alien, and it impregnates amber and kills everyone else. it’s so weird and so not my humor…. but amber loves is and amber looks great in it, so, watch it i guess? Attack of the Gryphon - this would be ranked better if the gryphon wasn’t so flipping bad! the cgi just ruins the whole thing. well that and the evil sorcerer’s weird slutty sidekicks. i dunno. amber plays a badass, sword-fighting princess, and at one point (where she’s kissing a mediocre guy) you can see her whole back, which is lovely. she does a cute accent too. this is ranked highest in this category because she worked so hard to do the accent, ride a horse, fight with the sword, etc, but she couldn’t save this movie. Pretty decent:Latter Days - a heartwarming film about gay love! amber isn’t a huge character but she’s good.Another Harvest Moon - another heartwarming one, this time about folks in a nursing home. amber has blue hair again (what’s with her and blue hair) and it’s very sweet! The Crush - just. iconic. watch it. she’s so little and it’s just a really really good filmDust Up - a slightly weird Western horror type movie. lots of gore and drugs. she is a total badass at the end. and holds a baby! mom!amber! Desire Will Set You Free - the biggest selling point is the lesbian sex scene. i don’t super love most of the movie, probably because i’m a boring old lady who’s not involved in the berlin gay party/drug scene. but her parts are excellent and she kisses a lady!!!! and protects a beautiful trans lady! she’s so good! King of the Hill - possibly her favorite film she’s ever worked on, and one of her first. it’s really good. young Jesse Bradford is the lead character. she’s got a small part as his neighbor. she got to dance with him and kiss him! and then have a seizure on the floor. she’s very good and the film as a whole is excellent. long and slightly depressing, or maybe just bittersweet, but definitely a good one. House of Demons - this is high on the list because i literally just watched it. she’s a hippie! who time travels! and she trips on acid! she’s very pretty and angelic, and the film has a really interesting premise. definitely will watch again. The Killing Jar - oh i unabashedly love this. she’s a small-town waitress who gets held hostage at her restaurant. no spoilers but she doesn’t die, woohoo, and is a lowkey badass. add her pretty face and southern accent and it’s just great.

Amazing:Can’t Hardly Wait - ok forget the fact that she’s in it for like two seconds, i fucking love this movie, it’s so goodBye Bye Love - tiny teenage amber and eliza! ahh i love this. another heartwarming one. she has a decently big role and she’s just so cuteChance - YES. love. so much respect for amber. she wrote and produced and directed and starred and edited. and kissed james marsters. and was amazing. go watch this! it’s on youtube! she’s incredible! Lovers, Liars, and Lunatics - all of the above (minus the kissing) but better. funnier and tighter. she’s an adorable clumsy burglar. it’s excellentStrictly Sexual - ohhhhh god oh god. she’s not the most likeable character but holy fuck is she sexy. there’s just…. a lot of sex and drinking and smoking, a lot of excellent outfits, a lot of cursing, a lot of amber being to-die-for sexy and gah. plus she’s in the whole thing! as ¼ of the main cast! lots of sexy amber! Race You To the Bottom - !!!! i love this movie!!! so much!!!! she is just incredible. and it’s a good movie too! i mean again she’s not the most likeable, and neither is her love interest, but it’s okay because she’s so hot! and she’s again in the whole thing, but this time as ½ of the main cast, and therefore she gets almost ½ of the screentime and it’s so so so good7 Things To Do Before I’m 30 - MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE AMBER MOVIE. oh my god it’s just the most amazing thing i’ve ever seen. she’s so adorable through the whole thing, and she’s IN the whole thing! as the star! the lead character! the one who all the plot revolves around! !!!!! do you know how groundbreaking that is for an amber movie!!!! not to mention she looks SMOKING the whole time. i mean how many times have i reblogged the bikini scene??? watch it for that alone. you’ll start it for the bikini and then continue for the adorable love story and her character arc. oh my god just go watch this movie now

to anyone who read this whole thing… bless your heart. thank you clem for letting me yell about amber so much. i think ive spent my whole tumblr career building toward this ask. thank you thank you and i love you clem and i love you all and i love amber benson the most!!!!

(see we’ve come full circle because clem made this for me and now i’m amber hugging clem) (does that make sense)

[brokenyellowcrayons]

That question thing: prime numbers.

THANKS HAYLEY!!!  Also sorry in advance this is long as shit.  I totally forgot how many prime numbers there were haha

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

YES! ITS THE BEST!

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

I used to use a punch card I got at the Boston Beerathon like 5 years ago.  Its laminated and a good size.  But truthfully I dog ear pages most of the time.  And yes I know you can be mad at me whatever.  But I like books to look well worn and well loved.  Also I only dog ear books that are mine.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

Nope.  I think I have a great smile and I do it all the time.  The only thing I used to get self conscious about was that because if the way my teeth are, stuff get stuck in them a lot.  But I’m mostly over that.

7: do you name your plants?

No haha. I don’t really name my stuffed animals either.  Or anything really.  I’m not that kind of person I guess.  

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

My brother and I have a lot of inside jokes with some of our old family friends.  They won’t make any sense but I’m gonna write them here:  “Sigh....I’m a star.”  “The moo boom room”  “Can I get bowl of huge rolls?”  “BIRTH”

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

Well the fact that I am sitting in the living room with Hayley listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack and sending each other tumblr asks certainly made me smile haha.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

Purple.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I do keep a journal.  I don’t write in it very often.  It’s mostly for when there are things I’m feeling that I don’t understand and I need to write it out to figure it out.  Or If I’m feeling particularly strongly about something.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

Literally what I said I was doing today.  Sitting in my living room fucking around on the internet.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

My friend Katie (she is basically my sister) ( I was just the maid of honor at her wedding) is often just singing nonsense to herself and making weird faces and its just the cutest and I love her so much!

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I love socks.  I have so many socks its ridiculous and they almost don’t fit in my sock drawer. They are mostly colorful and crazy.  I almost never wear matching socks. And as much I love socks, I will never ever wear them to sleep.  You can’t make me I won’t do it!

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

messy... messy feels homey to me

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

The Uncommon Reader by Alan Bennett.  Its a novella by the guy who wrote History Boys.  Its just delightful and funny and I really really loved.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

I truthfully don’t know.  I gaze at the stars pretty much every night.  SO it could be anyone.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

I mean I don’t really think anything should be banned from the universe if there is someone out there who likes it.  But if i had a choice to ban something from MY universe it would be Jell-o.  Its gross and I hate it.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I have seen Rocky Horror, Beetlejuice and Pulp Fiction.  I think they are pretty good for the most part.  Rocky Horror is definitely better in the theater with people doing weird stuff and acting out the scenes.  I absolutely live for Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice.  Pulp fiction is my least favorite of those.  I just don;t really like Quentin Tarantino or his movies very much.

59: what’s your favorite myth?

If we are counting urban legends as myths then it is 100% the Jersey Devil.  Love everything about that story and that cryptid.  So good. If we aren;t counting urban legends than I have no idea.  There are too many good ones.  Too many to choose from.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

Oh god when I was 14, I gave my friend a bar of soap for christmas cause I was kind of put up to it. Amazingly enough he is still my friend almost 14 years later haha.  The stupidest gift I’ve ever received was probably salt and pepper shakers in the shape of magic wands.  Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but I have never once used them and I never will.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Like I want to read a book. Like sweaters are the best thing in the world. Like the world is a little more magic than it seems sometimes.

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

Black tea all the way

73: what are some of your worst habits?

Keeping all my worry to myself to the point where i almost have a mental break down... also not doing my laundry for reeeeeally long periods of time

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

So I had this friend that I would cuddle up on the couch and watch tv with a lot. If were watching something together that he had seen before and he knew there was something coming up that I wasn’t going to like he would like hug me a little closer or put his arm around me a little tighter.  It gave away what was gonna happen but it was just fucking adorable.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

Can’t say that I think about album art all that often... But the 10th anniversary rerelease of Even if It Kills Me has great art.  Its like an illustrated version of the original.  Also Deja Entendu comes to mind.  Very simple but very striking.

89: are you close to your parents?

Yea definitely. I am very close with my father.  He is a lovely and amazing person.  I love him very much. 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp, virgo, HUFFLPUFF FOR LYFE

[fly-pow-bye]

Powerpuff Girls 2016 - “Sugar, Spice, and Super Lice”

Written by: Haley Mancini

Written & Storyboarded by: Jaydeep Hasrajani, Leticia Abreu Silva

Directed by: Nick Jennings, Bob Boyle

That’s what this reboot is made of! Hee hee hee hee!

This episode starts with a slideshow montage of Buttercup doing random activities, growing out her hair. No weird science here, Buttercup decides on a whim to have long hair, and the plot allows it. Eventually, it grows long enough to become a floor-length mullet with length only seen in fairy tales and DeviantART.

One would think this hair would impede on her crimefighting. One can assume this has been a strangely crime-free however-long-this-took for Townsville. Such a missed opportunity to not have Buttercup to put her super-mullet to good or bad use while doing what should be her usual job of crime-fighting. Not to say there won't be any hair whipping...

...it just only manages to hit Blossom, Bubbles, and a lamp. That poor lamp. That's as close as we get to a real fight scene in this episode, by the way. The girl whose hair can be styled into a racetrack with hair-pin turns decides to call her out on this. Either she took a really long time for her to call her out, or that hair growth scene really did only take a day. The power of plot!

Blossom: Do something about your long filthy hair! It looks like a rat's nest! Do something about your mullet! Get out the hair clippers, jerk! CUUUT THE MULLET! CUUUT THE MULLET! CUUUT THE MULLET! CUUUT THE MULLET!

I will admit, that is a slight paraphrase. Because she is a rascally little green princess, Buttercup is not budging. She loves the biz-ness in the front, and the month-long par-tay in the back. Her description, not mine. I really hope I did not need to say that.

Speaking of princess, why did Buttercup decide to grow out her hair, anyway? One episode even had her expressing disgust over someone else’s Rapunzel-length locks. A character that deserved disgust, but not for her hair. There is a reason for this, and one I did not expect.

Buttercup was inspired by Thrash, the punk rock idol from Electric Buttercup. In the 80's, she also rocked a floor length mullet, as it was the craze at the time. It is nice to know that episodes do not just exist in their own universe, even if this is only in this one scene as an explanation.

Buttercup, of course, is irresponsible with her new mane, and it really is at least a bird's nest. Clumps of her hair keeps falling around the house, and her hair is filled with garbage. We even get a cutaway gag where Bubbles is attacked by one of Buttercup's not-so-luxurious hair clumps while she is cleaning the bathtub.

Buttercup just drops down to the ground, unconscious. The Reboot Puffs are so weak, they just go straight to "Girls Down".

It turns out there is more to it than that, as the Professor decides to act as a doctor. He gives his diagnosis: lice. Specifically, super lice, so we don't have to worry that our ultra-powerful superheroines were beaten by head lice. He has not seen a case like this since the aforementioned 80's mullet craze.

Professor Utonium: Damn it, Utonium! (punches wall)

The closed captions say "darn", but I am going to pretend that's a lie. It saves the one smirk I got out of this.

For once, we now get to have Blossom and Bubbles save the boyish one instead of the other way around, and the Professor has a specific plan for this: put them in a flying car that can shrink with a bug bomb strapped to it, and completely eradicate them by throwing it on the cowlick. It makes sense; there's no blood on the "month-long par-tay" for them to suck. Was it even necessary for Buttercup to even grow out her hair in the first place?

The car goes out of control, the girls screaming for their lives. The Professor is just in awe of how cute the girls look when they are tiny, the only hint of the "wacky sitcom Dad" character in this episode. Well, that, and giving the keys to six year olds.

They crash into a place near the cowlick, not managing to explode the bug bomb in the process, only to find that Buttercup's hair has a city in it. The Super Lice show up, and they're all cutesy bugs who congratulate them on crushing the evil queen. There's even a mayor, who happens to look like the Mayor.

Because, ding dong, the queen is dead, the Powerpuff Girls are now worshipped as their saviors. Blossom and Bubbles decides to go along with it.

There's no big B plot in this episode, unlike a lot of reboot episodes, but we do get occasional cut backs to the Professor reading Buttercup a bedtime story about electrons and neutrons.

Professor Utonium: There once was an electron who thought he could, but he wasn't positive.

I am surprised. For one, I was expecting to hear a comedy drumfill after that, something that they will unfortunately prove that they have much later in the episode. Also, it is something fatherly and something to do with science all rolled into one. I can see the Professor from the original doing this, and that is a huge improvement over the "King Cool of Daddy-O Street" from the last episode. Not an accomplishment, but still.

Blossom and Bubbles are very much impressed that the parasites have made Buttercup's hair into a hair-a-dise, a pun they surprsingly did not use in this episode. They get massages, and they even get a bunch of candy! It may be a huge lapse in judgement to eat "candy" from the Lice-Pop Guild, but no problem seems to come of that.

While Bubbles is talking about how the lice gave her phone this reminder app, which leads to a running gag that includes that above image, Blossom reminds Bubbles that they have a mission to do. What could possibly get Blossom to totally forget about her plan to eradicate these lice that put Buttercup into a coma?

One of the super lice happens to take a liking to Blossom, even wearing a bow just like her idol. It essentially turns into the in-universe version of the "which Powerpuff Girl are you" they tried to do with the marketing a year ago. Does that mean they see us as insects? Would explain a lot.

Ribbon Lice: They call me a Blossom because I love science!

Blossom: Aww, that’s so cool!

Ribbon Lice: And my best friend is totally a Bubbles!

Either her friend is an airhead, or she's an unlikeable brat. Either way, that is an insult. Because she's so impressed, Blossom decides that they should think about it after the big festival the lice are planning. Bubbles puts it as a reminder, but, surprise, it never really helps them out in any way. It's not a "running gag that doesn't go anywhere", but it is close.

Professor Utonium: Oh, Buttercup, I'm sure nothing will distract your sisters from saving you.

Seems like an oddly emotional moment to use as a joke on how Blossom and Bubbles totally got distracted from saving Buttercup. Maybe they felt the Airplane reference would have been too obvious.

The next morning, as Buttercup continues to be in her coma, the super-lice's festival begins. They even have a play based on the Powerpuff Girls. Blossom says it is an interesting interpretation of them. They do not go any further than that; I was wondering if they were going to bash the critics with this scene. A missed opportunity, but a opportunity they rightfully missed this time.

Ribbon Lice: And now, I will drink the blood of the queen, in hopes to gain her power and use it for good! Huh, ha, ha!

I can not help but agree with Blossom; I would like to see a Powerpuff Girls where the girls talk about the blood of their enemies.

After the play, the Mayor decides to make a speech for their saviors.

The Lice Mayor: Without them, we wouldn't be able to put on this...explosive fun festival!

For some reason, he decides to make random explosion puns. If the beat didn't clue in the viewers that this is an intentional pun, they even put in a comedy drumfill. It is a gag that goes for far too long, and it is only here to show off how ignorant Blossom and Bubbles are of their mission. Bubbles I can understand, but Blossom?

He then reveals his plans to drill into the gooey center of their planet and destroy it. If this is supposed to be some environmental message, it's pretty half baked; even Captain Planet villains have some motivation other than "we just want to be evil so the plot can advance". Can Blossom and Bubbles really kill these cutesy little bugs? This is answered almost immediately when they reveal this is not their final form.

The once cute lice turn into giant monster lice. They even lose the ability to talk, now only speaking in screeches. This does not come completely out of nowhere; these Phase 2 forms do look like the "Evil Queen" from the play. How convienent for the Reboot Puffs, too. Committing mass murder is far more palatable when you can't see the victims as people.

Given little choice, Blossom and Bubbles prepare to fight these in the best way they know, by readying their fists...

...to drive away in their flying car, which they know how to drive now, and be chased by the super lice. Bubbles tries to zap them with their eye lasers, though she immediately gives up after only zapping two of them. Of course, the bomb can do the job with far more efficiency, but it's an odd scene to even have. They may have realized the only time the Powerpuff Girls directly fight in the episode was when they were hit by Buttercup's mullet.

As an aside, we hear a sound bite of Blossom saying to buckle up, but at no point do we ever see them with seatbelts. It's almost like they realized a problem, and decided one line was good enough.

As things are getting hairy, which is a pun they do use, they find a comb in the middle of Buttercup’s hair. Wait, if Buttercup wasn't even trying to take care of her hair, how did this even get here? It happens to have an opening just large enough for them to fit through, and it's good that colliding with a comb causes the parasites to explode.

The Ribbon Lice comes back, in her more monsterous form, to screech at her. Blossom karate chops the back of the car, causing the back of the car, and the bug bomb to fall on Buttercup’s cowlick, causing a huge explosion.

The Professor praises them for not dilly-dallying around, as Blossom and Bubbles look at each other knowing that their father figure is better off ignorant. I would think superheroes would be able to drop a bomb pretty much immediately, but maybe he's just that much of a genius to figure it all out. I doubt that.

Buttercup is still rocking her Rapunzel mullet by the end of the episode, but, unknown to her, she does now have a huge bald spot where her cowlick used to be. The episode suddenly ends at Blossom and Bubbles' disgust at that. We can assume that Buttercup has learned nothing.

Does the title fit?

The title replacing Everything Nice suggested that it was Blossom that gets the super-lice, and she does not. It would not be fitting of Blossom’s character to get lice anyway, either original or reboot.

How does it stack up?

There was some potential in this plot, but that's only because Futurama's Parasites Lost did it far better. Good transformation scene, concept was not as bad as I thought it would be, and not much else. Just barely makes it out of being a Disgusted.

Next week, Buttercup decides to trust a girl who turned out to be an enemy in a previous episode.

← Never Been Blissed ☆ The Buttercup Job →

[peterparkyourassonme]

twin dating; h+s holland headcanon special |one

this was written for @bittersweetholland (one of my best friends on tumblr, or rather my twin sis). me and her are both called sabine and have similar features, so we call ourself twins. a while ago we came up with the fantastic four, it’s basically her dating sam and me dating harry. so twins dating twins, bam. you can always read these if you want, but know that’s why I used the name sabine and not (Y/n). for the headcanons that are directly about me I will be writing it in 3rd person view. 

bean, I love you and promise these will be grsat™ they’re also really long, I decided to make it headcanons that aren’t only about double dating, ooooh no. I’m writing history here. As they’re pretty long and I don;t want you to keep waiting, I decided to release these in a couple parts.

enjoy hun <3

[my other work]

this story starts with two brothers, twin brothers

harry and sam holland

both very cute, eighteen year old, gentlemen 

they were also very single

why? we don’t know\

HOW THEY MET; sam and sabine 

first of all you should know, we both 17 and studying in london, aye

you and sam would meet through music

you were just downtown at your local music store where you found ya boi playing tunes on a v expensive gorgeous piano

the store was very nice and down to earth, kind of your happy place

when you walked entered the store the owner, [you can make up a name for the owner], greeted you as you let the smooth tune fill your ears

it was one of your favorite piano tunes

it was a musical number from the show catch me if you can

I AM JUST KIDDING I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HATE THAT SHOW

fill in whatever tune you want

you walked around the corner and saw the back of what seemed to be a guy your age

soft brown curls 

nice back

ooh some strong hands

you walked over to [shop owner], just to chit chat a lil while this soft boi played the keys

‘he’s cute’ they’d say and like nudged your elbow which was leaned on the counter

‘what do you mean’ you said with an awkward chuckle, aw blushin lil bean 

‘does he come here often?’ you asked them

‘first time I’ve ever seen this cutie walk into the shop. he spotted the piano and sat down. I think he’s been playing for an hour’

the stranger hadn’t spotted you yet so you, casually, walked into his sight

you looked at the guitars and ukuleles on the walls, lightly touching the strings 

the rhythm he was playing changed the moment he noticed you

before it was a bit sad. like he was playing his stress away

when he saw you, he got inspired and started playing a romantic song

when you finally showed your face to him he looked up at you with a blush and a cheeky smile

he shook his head, smiled and sighed

you thought he was extremely appealing

guess what. he thought you were super appealing as well

you were still looking at him playing

suddenly he stopped. out of literally fucking no where 

‘hi’ he said dryly and chuckled after

‘hi’ you said back, almost inaudible

‘you play?’ 

‘no, always wanted, but no’

then he noticed your accent 

‘you’re australian?’ 

‘sure am’ 

‘now what is a girl from the other side of the world doing in an unknown music shop in london’

‘I’m studying theatre etc. here for a couple of years’ 

sam had come on a bit strong and he just realized that

‘I- uh I could teach you something if you want?’ 

‘sure’ 

you sat down next to him, thighs brushing against each other

he softly spoke to you, placing your hands on the keys

KIDS BE CAREFUL, THERE’S SOMETHING CALLED STRANGER DANGER

but its cute lil sam so we’ll move on from that

[S/O/N] leaned on the palm of they hand adoring the scene that was happening in front if them

‘you’re a natural. that was so good’ 

he made you blush in like a snap

‘I’m sam by the way’

‘nice to meet you, I’m sabine’ 

‘beautiful name for a beautiful girl’ 

he mentally slapped himself for that, sounding like a douche even tho it was a compliment, he learned it from his brother once

he was relieved when you seemed to like the comment

‘shoot. I actually got to go, see ya sam’ you shot up and waved goodbye. ‘bye [S/O/N]’, with that you left

‘see you, sabine’ sam sighed to himself 

[S/O/N] smirked and looked at him ‘she’s one hell of a girl, isn’t she?’ they said. 

‘sure is’ sam smiled to himself. 

sam was in the clouds. it had been so long since it had happened to him. he was very excited to go home and tell his brother about what had happened. little did he know harry had a story of his own to tell sam. 

HOW THEY MET; harry and sabine

harry went into town very early in the morning to grab a quick coffee at one of his personal favorite coffee places

he brought his laptop to work on some of his photography 

sabine had settled down at that cafe 

about ten minutes before harry brought in the cold november weather when he entered

there was a coatrack where he, just like her hung up his coat

harry noticed her sipping tea and scrolling through her phone

she looked up and politely smiled at him

‘morning’ he smiled back

‘morning’ she said before returning to her phone

 harry had ordered his usual and before he could take a second lok at the girl, she was gone

an hour or so had flown by and it was time for harry to go

he got his coat from the rack and went on with his day

through the day he noticed his coat.. it was a tad bit uncomfortable 

a bit on the small size

he immediately checked his pockets

‘shit’ he cursed out loud, his cards weren’t there

his ‘harry holland photography cards’ 

he checked the size of the coat 

‘crap’ it wasn’t his size

then he got a call

‘hello?’ 

‘hi is this harry holland?’

through the day sabine had noticed her coat was a bit.. wider

it appeared to be longer and did not fit her silhouette like it used to

then she put he hands into the pockets, where to her surprise, she found some cards

business cards

she decided to call up the number 

‘yeah this is harry’ 

‘Hi, uhm I-i’m calling because I might have accidentally taken your coat’

They had the same unisex coat and sabine had taken the wrong one when she left the cafe in the morning 

‘so I’ll meet you there in ten?’ 

‘see you there’

when harry spotted sabine waiting on him, he noticed it was the same girl as he saw this morning

she had the coat next to her and was staring into the distance 

they chatted for a bit, instantly clicked 

‘c-can I buy you a drink..’  he hadn’t even caught her name

‘sabine’ 

‘don’t hear that very often’ harry spoke his mind

sabine gave him an unsure look

‘oh I’m sorry, I really like it. I need to think about what I say before I say things. Pretty name for a pretty girl’ 

sabine blushed at his comment

I MET THIS GIRL

harry came home at about four pm

‘harry, darling. where have you been? you’ve been out since ten’ nikki said as she watched her son enter the house

‘oh uh, met up with some friends’

harry rushed up the stairs, making sam, who was i his bedroom, wonder who the hell was coming up

harry aggressively opened sam’s door

‘dude what the hell’ sam said

‘sam, the craziest thing happened to me today, I was at the old cafe and suddenly my coat was switched and I met this amazing girl and-’

‘you met a girl today?’ 

‘yeah, I told you she was awesome. we basically have the same coat and she accidentally took mine and-’

‘I met a girl as well today, at the music store she had blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes and she’s-’

sam wasn’t even looking at harry anymore, he was just thinking about the girl and mumbling his thoughts 

harry snapped him out of his trance by clapping in front of his face

‘sam!’

‘sorry’

tom walked into the room and both of the twins quickly turned their head around

tom raised a brow in suspicion

‘what are you two up to?’ 

he leaned against the door with his shoulder and pointed at sam and harry with his finger, moving it between the two

‘nothing’ sam immediately.

‘sam met a girl!’ harry quickly said after.

both of them looked at each other with blushes on their faces.

‘a girl huh?’ tom smirked at sam.

‘uh- w-well, harry met one too!’ sam pointed at harry

harry gasped and put his hand on his chest

‘what’s her name?

‘sabine’ harry and sam said in unison and both smiled at the name before looking at each other confused 

‘wait what?’ one of them asked

tom had already left at this point 

‘what did she look like?’ harry asked

‘I already told you. She has blonde hair and greyish blue eyes, she was so cute an-’

‘my sabine had blonde hair and blue eyes as well’ harry cut him off.

‘let me finish a sentence for once!’ sam said. 

harry apologized with a grin.

‘this is weird, bro. Is she an exchange student as well?’ sam asked harry

‘yeah! wHat the heck?’ harry answered.

‘where is she from?’

‘the netherlands’ ‘australia’ they said at the same time

they sighed in relieve 

‘thank god it’s not the same girl’ 

harry and sam told more about the girls they met and kept meeting up with them. sam kept seeing sabine at the music store and harry and sabine kept getting together at the cafe. After a couple weeks both sam and harry asked them out. 

next part; FIRST DATES and MEETING THE HOLLANDS 

[tumblunni]

OKAY BUT YO LET ME RAMBLE SOME NOSTALGIA FOR THAT DAMN CHARACTER YO she only has like THAT ONE GIF in her tumblr tag, there’s not a scrap of fanart on the internet aaaa SHE WAS THE BEST, YO!!

I do remember getting really annoyed as a kid tho, cos her whole character concept was supposed to be ‘tomboy = weird’ and there were SO MANY episodes about her being all ‘oh but she’s really a girl at heart, she likes [insert stereotypical girl thing] and was trying to hide it’ But like still i can stubbornly reinterpret those all in more positive ways and try and pretend the writers just wanted to show a complex character instead of making any weirdass moral judgments...

Also I am VERY GLAD they removed her dumb plot from the games and manga of being ‘bad at medabots cos she uses boy parts for her girl medabot, and they’re incompatible’. Like I mean it already makes very little sense that there are boy and girl medabots in the first place, that this company actually went out of their way to make two incomptible base models that have LITERALLY NO DIFFERENCE except the gender of the AI, yet are still incompatible. And it also makes no sense cos there’s plenty of great cool and badass and tomboy aesthetic type lady medabots available in the games, why would Sam even need to buy boy parts if girly aesthetic isn’t even the only option? Like I mean a character in the anime sequel is a bigger tougher black armour knightly version of the protagonist’s robot, and she’s a girl. There’s girl variants of practically every option, and plenty of badass options the dudes don’t even get! plus in the games there also actually ARE unisex parts that can be swapped between either model, and there’s even rare unique boss monster genderless robots that can use every part. It’s so weird that the anime stuck to only the most stereotypically girly stuff when it came out after the games, even if we didnt get the games in english.. ANYWAY LOL I WENT OFFTOPIC THERE

Samantha is cool and she is basically like gary oak and team rocket did a fusion?? She’s the jerk rival charrie but also a comedically loveable sort of ego and a person who’s not really evil at heart, and sometimes an ally depending on the plot, and also she has two sidekicks so I guess she’s Jessie? Oh and MORE RANDOM RAMBLING TRIVIA I LEARNED ABOUT THE JAPANESE VERSION, LOL Her name is basically ‘Princess’ in japanese, so that makes the weirdass scene in the first episode actually make a bit of sense! Where she’s all ‘don’t call me boss, that sounds too manly’ and all the english audience is like ????? Also apparantly in japanese there were a lot more connotations there and it was more like ‘specifically the leader of a juvenile gang of deliquents, as you’d see in old high school movies’. But I don’t think we really have a word for banchou unless you count like.. those guys from the movie Grease? So I dunno, maybe they should have had them calling her the Don or something. ANYWAY I like her a lot and I’m glad she got an Actual Name in english. Tho it leaves me wondering if they ever revealed her real name in japanese or if her real name actually was princess??

and OH MAN i remember that one episode of the ‘tomboy rival secretly likes girly things LOL’ running joke that i hated the one episode i didnt actually hated IT WAS SO GOOD AND SAD AND AAAAA Where we find out Samantha’s enrolled in a bunch of ballet lessons she hates, cos she loves her mum so much she couldn’t bear to tell her she didn’t enjoy it. And like its actually a little more funny than usual cos we get to see that she’s super talented at this thing while simultaneously having the grumpiest face ever, instead of just the usual plot of ‘she totally likes everything cliche girly and is just shy about it’. And then it was SO SWEET and SO FUNNY AT THE SAME TIME cos her and her mom apparantly communicate entirely through sticky notes. You never see the mom onscreen cos she’s away for work that often, and like I guess that’s Samantha’s deep reason for becoming kind of a grump? But also you get such a nice sense of her mum being A LOVE! I mean i wouldnt necessarily say ‘a good mom’ but this is a mum whose failings are.. well, failings. She loves her kid and is trying really damn hard, but she messes up. And everyone else in the family knows that Samantha hates the ballet, and that no matter how many times the mum promises she still never manages to make it in time to see any of her kid’s performances. But Samantha still keeps devoting her damn soul to this stupid hobby that her mum loves and she doesn’t, because its like the only form of bonding activity they even have. AND THEN THE SCENE OF HER FINDING A FANCY DRESS WITH A STICKY NOTE ATTATCHED TO IT, AND HER MUM HAD WORKED HER ASS OFF STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO SEW IT AND WAS GOING TO WORK ON LIKE ZERO SLEEP AND PASSING OUT ON THE PLANE AND JUST AAAA THE MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH STICKY NOTE GOD DAMN IT!! and how the dress isn’t even necessarily GOOD and we get a joke about samantha finding a pin still stuck in it, but she’s like fuckin weeping so damn much And then we have the plot about there being a medabots tournement on the same day as the ballet show, and its like ‘choose between friends or mum’ and its SO SAD! And then she ends up choosing her mum but then choosing BOTH! like, she finally brings back her usual fiery personality in a triumphant moment of ‘no, it’s not over!’ and LITERALLY PARKOURS OVER A LINE OF CARS ON THE MOTORWAY WITH HER GODDAMN BALLET SKILLS TO RACE BACK TO THE ROBOT FIGHT And its such a Best Episode Ever because the ending is so fucking unfair and sad. She arrives there just in time but doesn’t get to be the hero saving the day because the rest of the gang sorta accidentally managed to win with all their stalling tactics. And like.. she never gets to know that they were stalling for her to get there, and being all ‘we need to do this for smantha’, all she sees is ‘they didn’t need me after all’. Like I havent seen this sort of character moment in ANY OTHER SHOW except the thing with amethyst vs jasper in steven universe like a decade later. And it sucks cos at least in that episode they actually had some development out of the moment instead of just having a downer ending and then never mentioning it ever again. So I’m torn cos it was a really powerful sad moment but it wasn’t very well developed in the end :/

and LOL why am i rambling deep analysis about a character nobody else liked in a show nobody watched...

[pafsins2]

Everything Wrong And RIGHT With Phineas and Ferb Save Summer

SINS:

1.No special opening,all you get is a dumb logo.

2.”Summer is great” song #127

3.Discount Carmeldansen is back.

4.There's so much racism in these visuals

5.The soundtrack version leaves in the dialogue.

6.”A visual metaphor for the carefree days of summer..” Metaphors work better when you don't explain them.

7.Jay Leno comes in to get like 3 scenes and do be that memorable.

8.”Cauplet Bar Mitzvah” Ha Ha.

9.”I've got a good feeling about this” Never say that. Ever.

10.”Hatfield Wedding Reception” again, haw.

11.Doof says it's the LOVEMUFFIN service awards, but the banner says Disservice Awards.

12.And now he calls it that, why did he get confused before?

13.”What are the odds” Very high for the sake of a contrived coincidence.

14.There's a lot of “losing deposit” jokes in this show, weird.

15.Linda points out why Candace's freak out is dumb.

16. Also, ironic that a big SpiderMan fan is afraid of spiders.

17.Monogram is fired a freaking Deposit rather than the huge mess that was made by a big fight.

18.He's right, no reason to tear off the mustache.

19.And Carl still isn't getting paid!

20.The animal sounds kind of take away from the moment. In a funny way but still.

21.Haw Haw, Teens don't know VCR's.

22.They are jamming out with weird glasses thingys on and you don't that suspicious at all?

23.Insert Inconceivable Joke here.

24.Also, obvious padding is obvious.

25.We never see the possibly adorable Young Stacy.

26.An Awards show and a graduation happened in the morning? Those things would usually be in the evening, but anything to still have a normal Doof plot, sort of.

27.See, Doof wouldn't have to move the sun if he still had the back to the store inator. Curse you perry the platypus!

28.Also, moving the moon didn't work, so why would moving the sun work any better?

29.Oh, forgot to sin Doof's lame pun.

30.”We are rocking this place!” you are all idiots.

31.Because everyone wanted an Irving song....Actually, the sin is that I wanted one.

32.Yeesh, Irving's mom is pretty overprotective.

33.”Banjo playing hicks should be avoided” says Wander.

34.Doesn't checking the atmosphere sound like one of those boring things from Phineas and Ferb Interrupted.

35.Didn't Buford have tooth brushing on his routine back in Bully Bust?

36.”Duck is confused with the other duck” cliche

37.You think Monogram would tell his son he's been fired.

38.This moment with Carl is nice but the development for him pretty much stops after this.

39.Carl is now a great leader because Monty said they need one. Sure why not.

40.How does playing dead help at all?

41.Jeremy, that is not how you lead in to “clean the bathroom”

42.The diary in the grilled cheese cream  must be insane.

43.Why was Candace allowed into a 1st grade spelling be?

44.Why didn't you ask the boys about getting a unicorn? She doesn't know how busy they are yet.

45.The town that doesn't care about a giant rollercoaster or treehouse robots freaks out over brisk weather.

46. Can they not buy new sweaters?

47.Eh, I've seen worse reasons to attack a politician.

48.Perry is a dick to Roger by putting him on a building.

49.”You're large intestines wrapped around a tree' ...That's dark for a family show.

50. Dr Bloodpudding, yes that's his name, deserved more of a personality than...being Bananas for Cabanas.

51.”All of my inators work, it's that I don't use them properly” Finally, they point that out. They usually just say they don't work.

52.'So to you a building settling sounds like someone inhaling sharply” Even Rodney is good at sins.

53.Spiders are not insects.

54.Wait, Rodney heard him mentioning Carl and he didn''t do anything? And Monty could not have been loud enough for him to hear that.

55.They just let Stacy stick her hand in a spider cage? Especially with what happens.

56.Stacy is now a butt monkey.

57.'My fear of spiders got stacy bitten...but saved me!” Wow, what a dick.

58.How did he get those people here?

59.Netflix splits this up into two parts even though it always airs, in the US, as one big episode and they didn't do this for SBTY.

60.Discount West Side Story.

(Not too many other sins in the rest of the song cuz it's that good, so moving on)

61.We did a earth blowing up fakeout before but okay.

62.”And Roll Credits!” First of all, that's my job,and 2nd, no one said the title!

63.Wait, did Dr Bringdown have that weird monster hand thing before?

64.”You're fall is ruining summer' Maybe you're summer is ruining fall, ever think of that? Man, where's S'Fall when you need it?

65.Senor Killbot is probably racist.

66.”We don;t want to leave anyone out “ There's a Tumblr Joke in there...

67.Doesn't Doof hate pretzels?

68.”-will bring about a new Ice Age” Come on, we've already had 5 of thoses! ...Wait...

69.Doof was able to use a simple inator to move the Sun and the boys use this overly complex machine. Just saying, I think their roles are reverse.

70.”Going to the bad guy despite being outnumbered” cliché

71.”I'm not crazy about this new grilled cheese flavor”. Well, you are lactose interolant. Although maybe the cheese cancels out the lice cream part...

72.One of the world leaders is a dolphin. Okay then.

73.There's so many jokes to make about Obama being in this...

74.So the whole reason bad things happen for the rest of the special...is that Obama screwed up. ...You're making it way too easy!

75.Also, weren't Pretzels one of Doof's ideas that you hate?

76.Buford's line here is amazing but...he's not really yelling that much.

77.Of course the thing they need is where the spiders are.

78.”Someone screams so loud that it's heard in distances where they shouldn't hear it”cliche. Yes, this is common, they even did it in Cheer up Candace

79.”August” Whoa whoa, months are going by during all this?. This raises so many questions..

80.Yet another villain Doof teams up with turns out to be more evil and thus Doof doesn't care for him now.

81.So this has been going on for awhile, and no one;s tried to stop him? Not the Army, or anything like that? I can forgive Monogram since he got in a funk at least..

82.”They have a cave troll/' ...You're not in a cave.

83.Thanks for that image of Stacy.

84.Just wanna point out that this is a Disney product where they have to stop an everlasting Winter. This was a year after...that other one.

85.”Remember when you helped us rescue Klimpaloon” No, because this aired before that one. Gosh darn it Disney.

86.”Or when you climbed on the motor of a baguette boat after I gave you a similar pep talk” Again, don't point you are rehashing something.

87.”I don't even remember what I was afraid of” “Spiders” Wow, Phineas is a dick/idiot

88.”This is the same brawl we had earlier” I could tell by the recycled animated. How I do know it's reused? Rodney pops up in this brawl even though he's supposed to with Doof.

89.”Oh look, a horse in a bookcase” Don't tease me, I'm still not over his cancellation.

90.Candace can not be so stupid as so to confuse a fat rabbit with a slow turtle

91.You know, I am not sure all the stuff about moving the earth is 100 percent scientifically accurate...

92.Hey, doesn't Rodney have a son? I wonder how he feels about all....this.

93.The way they OWCA back is just...so dumb. Funny but...dumb.

94.But even by this logic, how does Monogram have the power to fire his superior?

95.They sure got rid of their winter clothes quickly.

96.I want a “blow up earth setting' on my editing software.

97.Also, Dance Party Ending.

98.And we end this big special...with more Irving. And that earth  blowing up joke again

EPISODE SIN TALLY: 98

SENTENCE: Your sinew's torn apart by a grizzly (Your large intestines wrapped around a tree...)

….Well, even for a special that was...a lot of sins, more than SBTY, Mission Marvel, and both parts of Where's Perry combined? That's really odd, given it's problem aren't really small things or even certain scenes like with MM for example. I do sometimes stretch for a sin, did I do that more with this? Ah well, I stand by most of them so the count is fair.

Let's look at the wins.

WINS:

1.I like the other “Summer” songs more but this one is still pretty good. I especially love the build up.

2.I also like the outfits, one of which involves a big Doctor Who Gag!

3.I also like the acknowledgment of Summer only being in the Northern Hemisphere at the moment.

4.I also also like the “I Love Sweden' sign during the  Welcome to Toyko Callback. Nice.

5.I like that we get started right away. No lead in to the big idea, we start with the song, and Perry is off. It works because there's a lot to set up, so no point in wasting time.

6.I don't remember, do people like Jay Leno? Eh, he has his moments in this, when he gets them. Also , Colonel Contraction is a funny name.

7.The “Capulet” and Hatfield thing is rather clever.

8.Doof's jeans rant is great, especially Norm's reaction

9.Reveal of where Carl is from!

10.Seeing the agents fight the LOVEMUFIN guys is pretty awesome.

11.I like how the incident that makes Monogram lose his job isn't his fault. The agents just got a bit heated. He even tried to calm them down. Makes it so you do feel bad for him when he is fired, instead of possibly siding with Jay Leno

12.The Candace plot seems slightly pointless, but it works in it's own right, as we'll see later.

13.I like that it's over the Security Despot. It's meant to be a joke, but he even mentions that he would usual forgive this due to Monogram's service to OWCA, but this is just unforgivable, and in the context of this world, it kind of make sense. It's small but important.

14.Monogram is fired but does he whine, complain, or anything like that? Nope, he takes it with dignity and knows he must step down. It's shown as a joke with the animals chiming in, which is funny, but it's somehow still a great moment for his character.

15.Candace stepping into the big idea without knowing it is funny.

16. Padding it may be, a subplot with Wallace Shawn is always a win.

17.5 Year old Candace is freaking adorable.

18.This is a solid set up for her plot.

19.Overly complicated doof plot's are always fun.

20.Irving's big solo is hilarious. The extended version is even better.

21.Buford's little joke here is funny. Not the best Buford moment in the special but we'll get to it.

22.”You have full sized molds of all us” Nevermind, this is the weirdest/funniest callback ever.

23.Monty appearing without Vanessa for the first time!

24.Carl's pigeon typing reading skills.

25.This moment between Monty and Carl is great. Especially after them not getting along too well in the past, at least at the start of their previous adventure.

26. “Hey monty? Thanks” D'aww.

27.Monogram at Slushy Burger is hilarious.

28.Now Monogram's exist is just plain funny

29.As is the reveal as to what Jeremy wanted him to do.

30.It's small but I like that Candace basically a big idea, inventing an ice cream flavor, all on her own.

31.Rainbow is best Unicorn.

32.I do love how Danville freaks out so much over brisk weather. I don't know, easily freaked out citizens is funny to me.

33.I like how Roger does at least seem to attempt to help. He may be a jerk but he's not n awful mayor, meaning he's far from the worst politician ever. Insert you know who joke here.

34.The “Bananas for Cabanas” guy is named Dr Bloodpudding. BEST NAME EVER.

35.”We can make it a musical number” I like this guy.

36. Doof gets a win for an inator working and being useful for evil, even if it goes too far.

37.Dr Diminutive gets my vote for funniest LOVEMUFFIN member besides Doof with bits like this one.

38.”I'm expressing how I feel, through music.” Now that's funny.

39.The conflict is a very solid one, with Summer being in jerprody. And every part works, from how Doof starts it, to how Monogram being fired gives LOVEMUFFIN room to step in and be dangerous.

40.I love this song. West Side Story homages are always a win but this gets a point for having LOVEMUFFIN be so...competent!

41.Buford's Demonstration is great.

42.Dr Bringdown is funny

43.Senior Killbot is great.

44.Fun Fat: In the Spanish dub,he speaks English, which is a nice touch.

45.Gotta love LOVEMUFFIN's logo.

46.I like Rodney as a more serious villain, it kind of fits him honestly.

47.I find it neat that people like Irving's performance.

48.Carl trying out his “Good Morning Agent P”

49.Reaching out globally!

50.I want to know more about that Dolphin.

“This must be a special episode, he's yelling at his sister again” ….+5

56.Going into August does show that this situation is more dire, with how it gets colder over a period of time, so it works.

57.This Doof/Monogram scene is great. It effectively gets Monogram out of his funk, and is a good moment.

58.I just gotta seeing Monty in action again is pretty cool.

59.This is where Candace's arc comes together. It's simple but effective thanks to a neat Phineas speech.

60.Diminutive's height actually helps him out!

61. Facing your fear!

62.This is a pretty exciting climax, with how everything comes together.

63.Candace saves the day!

64.Even in defeat, Rodney has to mock Doof, rather than whine or anything like that.

65.As I said, the way they get OWCA back is funny. And I like how they get rid of Jay Leno.

66.Monogram can grow a mustache. That's...amazing.

67.And we end on that neat opening song again.

68.And the great Buford movie joke!

69.And in the credits, more of the Irving song!

EPISODE WIN TALLY: 69 (…)

REWARD: Grilled Cheese Ice Cream

Well, that's the highest win tally so far! Not too hard given this is a recent thing, but that's more than Mission Marvel. This did have more small good things since it's that kind of special.  This may not have the extreme highs of certain specials, but it's still great in it's own way.

So yeah, this was plenty of fun. I really do wonder how our other specials will far, guess we'll see. In the meantime, tune in next week for old timey stuff, picnics, and 3 creepy tales. See ya then.

[dixxyfics]

The Vow - What Could Have Been

So prior to the release of 850 I was had started to come around on Pudding (as a lot of us did) and I started work on The Vow, which would have featured some actual Sanji x Pudding (as opposed to the toxic marriage depicted in Knotted). Note that BOTH of my betas had been asking about this for a while and 848 briefly opened the door for me being able to write that story. I’ve basically abandoned the project, but I did write some scenes and had a working outline, more or less, for what I wanted to do.

And since there seems to be a genre of Tumblr posts for AUs that might never get written, here’s my first foray into this type of post.

So the key difference in this AU (other than Pudding not being a massive piece of shit) is that the Vinsmokes and Big Mom decided on the marriage several years earlier, figuring that it might take Germa Kingdom a while to hunt down their lost prince. Instead they find him when he’s still and working at the Baratie, about two and a half years before Luffy sets off on his journey to become Pirate King (yes this would be about the same time Ace set off on his journey, no it’s not relevant to what I had planned). Anyways, whoever finds Sanji basically threatens him with the safety of Zeff and the Baratie to convince him to leave with them. It takes them a while to get Sanji to WCI (because, well, distance and such) but not enough time for him and Pudding to be of legal age to marry, so they end up meeting at seventeen and having a year to get to know each other before their wedding.

Pudding, for her part, is not happy about the engagement. She didn’t think it would even come up until she turned eighteen and she’s met the Vinsmokes before and assumes Sanji is going to be the same. Then she finds his brothers casually kicking the shit out of him and starts to realize that maybe her fiance isn’t so bad after all. They each have a confession to make (Sanji talks about his upbringing, Pudding reveals her third eye to him) and over the course of the year start to fall in love and develop a relationship. Key moments during that year would have included:

- Sanji would have given Pudding a locket for Christmas that year. This ends up being her most prized possession later in the story for reasons that are expanded upon later.

- They end up sleeping together a month before the wedding in order to take control of one aspect of their marriage that Big Mom has no say in and continue to do so behind everyone’s backs. Part of this was tied into Pudding having a sort of “complex” about the value of her virginity.

The wedding goes off without a hitch and the pair honeymoon in Dressrosa because it’s like, the only relevant island on that half of the Grand Line. They decide they want to make the most of their life together, probably including a search for the All Blue and some sort of dream for Pudding to chase that I never figured out before OH LOOK SHE’S EVIL. Anyways when they get back from the honeymoon Big Mom tells them that, on Judge’s request, they’re going to live in Germa Kingdom, and since neither of them thinks Big Mom will listen to how bad of an idea this is they end up spending the next 5-6 months in Germa Kingdom, where shit is bad.

The couple decide to escape, but they get separated in this escape attempt and Pudding is pretty sure that Sanji was killed. Deep in mourning, Pudding gets a job on a passenger ship. She keeps her wedding ring in the locket, partly because she doesn’t think she’s married anymore and partly because they make this really cheesy promise that anytime they take off their rings their partner needs to put it back on, meaning with Sanji absent Pudding won’t put her ring on. Eventually she ends up in the East Blue and decides to look for the Baratie to make sure her husband’s childhood home is safe.

Pudding succeeds at finding the Baratie but Zeff won’t give her a job in the kitchen but offers her a job as a waitress. This goes on for a while, with Pudding trying and failing to get a job as a cook and occasionally sneaking into Sanji’s old room to sleep, since it still smells like him. She doesn’t tell Zeff about her relationship to Sanji, but she’s well aware that Zeff is very worried about him.

One day, Pudding is told to procure a specific wine for a Marine officer trying to impress his date. While in the wine cellar, she hears a loud crashing sound, like someone fired a canon at the restaurant. Everyone should know EXACTLY where this is going and EXACTLY where the next part of the story is headed.

So needless to say we’re now in the Baratie arc sans Sanji but with Pudding. Luffy probably offers Pudding a spot on his crew, seeing as she wants to be a cook for the Baratie but Zeff won’t let her and Luffy needs a cook for his pirate crew. Pudding probably declines, though likely not as firmly as Sanji did. Luffy and the other Straw Hats learn that Zeff had a foster son who left under strange circumstances a few years earlier but don’t learn much about him. Then we have the whole Don Krief and Nami stealing the ship business and blah blah blah fight scene blah blah blah Pudding would have showed off some sort of fighting technique blah blah good bye Don Krieg. 

Before Pudding accepts Luffy’s offer (because of course she is in this scenario) she and Zeff have a talk and Zeff reveals he’s aware she’s been sneaking into Sanji’s room at night. Pudding doesn’t reveal everything to Zeff, like who Sanji is and who she is, but she says he was taken away for a political marriage she’s his wife. She explains they were separated and she doesn’t think he’s okay.

Zeff reveals that he knows Sanji is alive as he had a vivre card made sometime after he left. Unfortunately the hair sample he found was too old and while it can tell whether or not Sanji is alive it won’t act as a compass like a normal vivre card will (because plot reasons). Pudding takes a piece of the card and keeps it in the locket with her wedding ring.

And so goes most of the completed arcs of One Piece with Pudding at the Straw Hat’s chef, right up through Zou, where she is taken by the Big Mom Pirates who are intent on bringing her home. It’s possible the group divisions are different, with Robin heading to Zou with that group instead of staying in Dressrosa while someone else stays behind. While this is going on, Luffy and co. are en route to Zou after finishing up business in Dressrosa and get into a scuffle with a group of bounty hunters, one of whom goes toe-to-toe with Zoro and primarily uses kicks.

The Straw Hats most likely don’t know who she is (Nami MIGHT depending on how things played out with Lola on Thriller Bark) and are afraid that Pudding is going to be married into the Big Mom Pirates. The Straw Hats go as a group to rescue her (seeing as her kidnapping was more hostile than Sanji’s). While en route to WCI, they are attacked by the bounty hunters again. Robin and Nami figure out the kicking guy won’t hurt women and they’re able to capture him. The other bounty hunters leave their companion behind - the Straw Hats feel bad but don’t let him go either. He’s kept tied up in the kitchen while they discuss Pudding’s predicament and if anyone hasn’t figured out the bounty hunter is Sanji by now I am disappointed in you. Sanji claims to know Pudding and that he’s her husband and he’s been looking for her for the last three years, bounty hunting to make ends meet while looking for her, and is able to prove it by use of information Pudding told Robin and Nami during some, eh hem, “girl talk”. 

Ultimately Pudding is rescued and Sanji stays with the Straw Hats, giving Luffy two cooks and they all set sail for further adventures.

So yeah that’s what The Vow would have been about but since Pudding is a horrible shit monster I’ll probably never finish it. 

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 1-ish

Ok Hulu is making a mockery of the entire idea of episodes this season, since ABC decided to create a bullcrap "Countdown to…" episode out of pure fluff before the actual season stared, which is not the kind of fluffing I'm interested in.

Hope you enjoyed that screenshot because it's now impossible for me to get screen captures of the actual video on any of my devices thanks to DRM. Yay, technology. Surely ABC/Disney is saving billions a year now that I can't post pictures to my stupid tumblr.

"The exciting season premiere of The Bachelor starts…right now!" intones Chris Harrison. I assume this is as opposed to the previous season premiere, which wasn't exciting at all.

MONTAGE: Ari the bachelorette-reject getting into a race car. "Race car" in an anagram so it's the same backwards and forwards, just like Ari. No, not Ari the name, I mean Ari is so dull it'd be the same talking to his face or the back of his head. Ari's also doing real estate now and drives a very expensive Mercedes on camera.

FLASHBACK: Five years ago, when Ari got shot down by Emily, the world's most boring woman. This had to be especially galling because her fiancé was a racecar driver who died in a plane crash, and she was still like, "Look, I think I prefer the dead race car driver to this live one."

"I started falling for Emily…after our first date," Ari voiceovers nigh-tautologically. (He did NOT fall for her before he met her, so that's good.) We review his whirlwind _no_mance with Emily, ending in her dumping him on a bench. Ari was so sad, he thought for sure he'd found the extremely boring woman of his dreams and they'd have extremely boring children. Imagine being so boring that even Emily thinks you're dull. _shudder_

CUT TO: Ari and Emily being interviewed on "After the Rose."

In flashback Chris explains how Ari flew to Charlotte after the previous season ended and left his journal on Emily's doorstep…which she never read. Wait…what? That's super creepy. I mean, why'd he leave it on her doorstep? Like, he must have asked to see her, and gotten shot down. Then he was like, shit, I flew this whole way…I know, I'll just leave my journal on her doorstep, like I'm in sixth grade! That seems totally sane. Ari's whole schtick is that he's mentally 10 years old.

Ari gets "advice" from success-story couple Sean and Katherine, which has become an annual tradition for the show. "Look, this couple had an actual kid!," the producers are telling us, "Not every relationship fostered from a lack of sleep, jealousy, booze, and national humiliation has failed!"

—

EXTERIOR: mansion, at night

Chris explains how great Ari is, ending with "arguably the best kisser we've ever had on the show." Well, that's awkward. How would Chris know this?

—

Let's meet some of the women!

Chelsea is an ombre blonde (thanks to @DanaSchwartzzz for the term and the joke I'm totes stealing) who's a real estate assistant and single mom. "It's not always easy, and it's not always fun." Well, this has completely changed my view of single parenting, thanks for tearing down our preconceptions on what we had all assumed was the easiest job ever.

Caroline is a realtor and I'm already sensing a theme here. She's not an ombre blonde so a bit of a curve-ball here. She brags she's really good at her job and we see her wearing a completely bizarre evening mini-dress with those slits in the side that make everyone look fat (she's not actually fat!) while selling a house to a couple at noon. She's excited the Bachelor is Ari because she "grew up around cars" and news flash it's America we all grew up "around" cars, they're f'ing everywhere.

Maquel (you can't make these names up) is an omber blonde who takes wedding photos. She likes standing at the end of piers and looking thoughtfully down at the water.

Nysha is an orthopedic nurse and is not an ombre blonde! In fact she's dark-skinned and gorgeous. She says she loves dealing with gunshot wounds which is not something I would have thought orthopedic nurses dealt with much but hey she's the nurse I'm gonna trust her. Her philosophy is "the more blood the better for me" which is not necessarily the motto I want in my nurse? We see her feeding ducks and I'm frankly worried for them. She says she's ready to "jump out of the plane again" as a metaphor for her willingness to be with Ari and we can all agree it's good Ari didn't use this simile with Emily.

Tia is brunette with blonde streaks and I'm not sure if that counts. She's a physical therapist and her southern accent is so thick she probably doesn't butter her english muffins in the morning she just talks at them. She's friends with Raven, the "Bachelor In Paradise" regular who's maybe most famous for seeming kinda sane. We see Raven telling Tia, "You're very lackable, so I can't see someone not liking you." That's what I heard anyhow. Like every contestant, Tia wants to fall "head-over-heels in love" which is ironic because I'm pretty sure the dudes all want the ladies heels-over-head.

Kendall is an ombre blonde "creative director" which could describe just about any job? She apparently has something to do with taxidermy. She's cute as a button and has "never had a relationship over a year" so right there she's my perfect woman. We see her playing ukulele in a tree serenading a stuffed dead seal because did I mention she's quirky AF, ya'll? She's wearing one of those tops where it's off the shoulders but then there are little sleeve things that may or may not be attached to the main section? I wish I knew the name of those tops, I just love 'em.

Bekah is perky AF and not an ombre blonde. She's a nanny and likes rock-climbing and being perky. Seriously did I mention she's perky? The camera loves Bekah and we'll be seeing a LOT of her.

Marikh is an Indian restaurant co-owner (so not blonde). We hear her mom telling her she'd like to be a grandma so way to tear down those stereotypes, Marikh's mom. "I hope he's ready for my spice," she says which, like, is that a real expression? It seems awkward. How about: "I hope he can handle my flavah!"

Krystal in an ombre blonde fitness coach. She has "cut the first week" written all over her. She volunteers for the homeless because her little brother is on the streets and great now I'M THE OGRE FOR MAKING FUN OF HER. She says she's always diving into things and "it's time to focus on myself" which I don't feel makes much sense in the context of going on a dating show?

—

INTERIOR: limo at night, women are boozing it up.

PAUSE TAPE: I haven't even watched this scene yet but here's what'll happen: they're going to talk about it being Ari and each describe how they really want him because he's dreamy and shit and one of them will say something that seems kinda creepy and awkward.

UNPAUSE: Shots of the gals enthusing about Ari in the limos. I dunno if the woman yelling and clapping "We're about to meet the Bachelor!" inside the limo qualifies as creepy but it seems awkward so I'm giving myself partial points. (Nobody said he was dreamy.)

EXTERIOR: mansion at night

Ari's limo arrives and Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by broing down with the Bachelor. Ari says he's nervous. "You're fine going 200 miles around a racetrack, but this makes you nervous?" I don't think distances are what make people nervous about racing, Chris. I mean, I drove like 200 miles last weekend so I guess I'm Evel Knievel up in this joint.

Chris notes that it's been a while that Ari's been on the bench, which, yah, I mean if you're pulling Bachelors from five years ago it doesn't speak super highly of the recent contestants.

INTERIOR: limo at night, pulling up

"Oh my god what a stud." "He is SO handsome." "ARI!" Ok I feel vindicated.

EXTERIOR: mansion

Caroline (realtor) gets out first. She makes a realty joke which isn't a genre of humor known for being funny.

Chelsea (single mom) is speaking slowly and seems high AF. "She's interesting," Ari says the way you might say, "Well, he's special."

Kendall my quirky wife-to-be is up. "She is so nervous," says Ari.

Seinne — we haven't met her — in real estate, also, but not a blonde. She gives Ari elephant cufflinks which seems kinda big for a first encounter but elephants are her favorite animal(!) and they never forget. "Don't forget to find me inside," she says which was long way to go for a pretty dadly joke.

Tia sounds exactly like Raven and looks enough like her that I'll just pretend she is kinda Raven. She's from "Weiner, Arkansas" and she gives Ari a tiny plastic penis to remember her by. That's so kinda-Raven! "Tell me you do not already have a little wiener." ("Well, it IS kinda cold out," Ari says in my head.) "Keep up with that," kinda-Raven says mysteriously as she walks away and he slowly turns his new penis over in his hands.

QUICK CUTS: women think Ari is cute and stuff.

Bibiana is a Latina executive assistant. She seems authentic and sweet so I'm guessing it's her last night here.

Bri is a non-blonde sports reporter and she throws him a literal softball but doesn't make any dad puns about it on camera so she really…

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

…missed the ball.

Jenny is an ombre blonde graphic designer and I initially typed her name as "Jenni" because everyone else has stupid spellings so I just started assuming.

Brittane J. is a marketing manager and a woman of color, her gimmick is a bumper sticker on his butt.

Jacqueline is a non-blonde research coördinator who looks interesting and I'll add that umlaut until the day I die.

Krystal the fitness coach gets out of the limo and is clearly a hot mess, her gimmick is a gratefulness exercise.

Nysha the vampire nurse totters out in a dress so revealing they blur out her side-boob.

Valerie the not-blonde server gets a twirl.

QUICK CUTS: women talk about how many women there are, how they're all pretty.

Bekah pulls up in a vintage ('72?) red convertible Mustang. Bekah's too perky for this show. She says, "I may be young, but I can still appreciate something classic," because Ari's like totes an old at 36. So far we've had women mock his dick size and his age and I feel like maybe this isn't the best approach but what do I know I'm single.

QUICK CUTS: women talk about Bekah's entrance, one says it's a '65 Mustang so I'm way off. kinda-Raven says she herself got a little wiener watching Bekah come in. Me too, kinda-Raven. Me tooooo. Hot mess opines to her crew "that cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch," which, like, I don't think Hot Mess knows how insults work. That was just a compliment with the word "bitch" added. Like, "You're sure the most interesting woman here, bitch."

30 minutes down, 53 to go.

—

INSIDE: Hot Mess says, "My concern is he has a lot of girls to choose from tonight," which makes me think maybe she didn't read the large print on her contract?

ANOTHER LIMO: Jenna the social media manager is an omber blonde who flaps her arms around a LOT when she talks. Like a LOT a lot.

Jessica is an ombre blonde television host and looks like she works for Fox News. 'nuff said. Her gimmick is giving him a rock, like Charlie Brown? At least it's not a penis.

Marikh (Indian restaurateur / potential future wife for me) says she "uses a lot of spices but I could still use some salt and pepper in my life." Again with the picking on his age. Is this a good approach? I mean, he's not Roy Moore.

Olivia the marketing associate is a woman of color and we literally don't hear her say anything to Ari after the intro because they cut away to various white women dubbed over her about how there are too many other pretty women there and I mean is this a perfect metaphor for America or what.

Becca K. is a non-blonde publicist and her gimmick is telling Ari to get down on a knee and propose to her which, I dunno, maybe is a bit quick? Warning flag on the field.

ANOTHER GODDAM LIMO: the word from inside is Ari is handsome, surprisingly.

Lauren S. is an omber blonde social media manager and we've seen a lot of media related women now. I mean what happened to dental assistants? Back in my day…

Lauren J. is an omber blonde "recent masters graduate" and I'm guessing she got an English degree because, you know: unemployed. Her gimmick is giving him mardi gras beads and she'll be cut tonight.

Lauren B. is an omber blonde tech salesperson and the producers clearly are having fun with the women in this limo.

Lauren G. is a executive recruiter BUT a woman of color instead of a blonde and WOW the variety of Laurens is just overwhelming my senses!

CONFESSIONAL: Hot Mess confessionals, "Four Laurens walk into a room — sorry, terrible ending for a joke — and none of them get chosen." You can actually see her fangs come out in this shot.

YET ANOTHER GODDAM LIMO: Ashley is a brunette but she's another real estate agent so we get partial points. Her gimmick is she's carrying a finishing flag and she says, "I hope you finish first," and it's the first time I've heard a woman say this. Ari says with absolutely no emotion: "i love the race car jokes they crack me up" and you can tell when someone really loves a joke when they explain with a dead face that they did.

Brittany T. is a tech recruiter and a woman of color and I have no idea if we've seen this combo before it's all a blur of Laurens and recruiters and real estate agents and blondes. Her gimmick was speaking Dutch poorly.

Amber the _a_mber blonde owns a spray-tan company and her gimmick is cussing at him? I dunno what they beeped.

Ali is an omber blonde personal stylist and she asks Ari to smell her to see if she stinks. She calls it a "pit stop," and she won't be here in the morning.

We're scraping the barrel here folks.

Annaliese is an omber blonde event designer and I'm not going to mock her because she lives in San Francisco so I've got a shot here, folks! A real shot! Her gimmick is she's wearing a mask and won't take it off. Yah, that worked great for the last guy who tried it. I wish I could screencap perky Bekah's eyeroll at Annaliese but: DRM. Just imagine the perkiest eyeroll in the world.

There's a big overproduced bit where Maquel pulls up as the passenger in a two-seater(!) "Formula 1" car that was driven all of fifty feet and it's dumb. We later see Ari get behind the wheel of the "Formula 1" car and rev the engine just like a big boy!

CONFESSIONAL: Hot Mess says, "She was one of the last, and maybe that's her position." Holy cow the claws are out on crazy.

—

QUICK CUTS: Ari is cute. Perky Bekah notes Ari has a "full head of hair." I would like to point out I also have hair. CALL ME, BEKAH!

Chris Harrison sums up that we have 29 beautiful women. Surprise woman coming? Or surprise dropout woman?

Ari enters the mansion. He toasts his menagerie. Hot Mess grabs him immediately for her one-on-one. Other women are shocked, SHOCKED that Hot Mess would be so selfish.

Race car woman swoops in and takes Ari from Hot Mess. She has now made an enemy for life. Hot Mess tells the others how much Racecarette sucks. Perky Bekah tells us how Hot Mess is kinda cray cray. Racecarette also seems horrrrrrible. Like, Kardashian bad. Also at some point she complains about how she was convinced she was "going to die" as she was driven 10mph for 50 feet down the driveway of a mansion in that "Formula 1" car. So brave. So, so brave.

Ari is getting therapy from a non-blonde in a red dress who seems like she's actually really smart and there's no way she'll last. Brains != longevity on this show.

Three of the women of color are talking about dating white guys which is really interesting since this show used to be lily white and never acknowledge race. The producers seem to prod most of these questions out of the contestants—I honestly admire how they've tried to make the whole show more diverse MODULO THE OMBRE BLONDES AND WOMEN NAMED LAUREN I mean jesus baby steps people. Anyhow they agree basically that they'd date a white dude if he's fine enough and let's face it this is why racism will die out — we be horny.

Ari races a Brittany T. in miniature cars and she get a kiss reward. I'm sad none of the other women make a joke about playing the race car(d). Opinions are had on her kiss! Was there tongue? No, because Brittany has class. Hot Mess isn't having it, surprisingly.

—

We come back from break and free-spirited, quirky Kendall is playing her Uke for Ari. Honestly I'd have a hard time picking between Perky and Quirky here. She's written a custom song for him which is impressive but I myself would have played "Remember me! Until you're in my arms again, remember me!" because there's no way Ari would pick up on it being from Coco. (Although I'm guessing he's seen Cars dozens of times.)

CONFESSIONAL: The Mask points out that in real life if 29 women were competing for the same dude at a bar they'd just pick another dude. First time I've seen that acknowledged on this show. We see women try different strategies to get time, including feeding him (pizza, fruit). Flappy Jenna rubs his feet (seems…intimate for a 29-on-one first date?), he opines that's she kinda "wild" which I think means "yikes." "I couldn't understand what she really did…like, does she do social media, does she own a pedicure shop?" Wow she is so cut. Unless they keep her around for the drama, wait what am I saying of course they'll let her flap away for a few more episodes.

Annaliese takes her mask off with Ari. He asks if she goes by Anna and she flatly says, "I'm not a nickname person," and OMG red flags already. Wonder how she feels about metaphors? Similes? Potential land-mines abound here. She tells him her last relationship lacked passion which translates to: she is GOOD 2 GO.

QUICK CUTS: Talk about the first impression rose coming.

Becca K. tells Ari hopefully his mock proposal to her was the "first and last time" so I guess she's saying she doesn't want him to get married ever?

QUICK CUTS: First impression rose is set down, more talk about it. "Ok this is for real," etc, etc.

—

There's a rush of women trying to talk to Ari now that the rose has been thrown down and honestly the women are being really sweet to each other about it. Some producer failed to fuel their rage or something? Someone's fired.

Spray-tan lady tells Ari she owns a spray-tan place (again) and pretty much that's all we've heard her say on the show ever so she seems PRETTY one-dimensional at this point. Wait, I call a do-over on that one. She seems PRETTY monotone at this point. (Get it? Spray-tan? Monotone?)

Hot Mess decides to take a second turn in all this chaos because WE NEED THE DRAMA C'MON PEOPLE WE'RE LOSING THE DARK. The producers spend a bunch of time with her voiceover confessional of how she doesn't care if she steps on toes and there's like a five-minute sequence watching Hot Mess walk towards him on the couch with another woman. He ends up kissing Hot Mess several times with tongue ick don't put your tongue in crazy.

Hot Mess goes back and tells the women, "OMG I just met Ari for the second time." Their faces say it all: how can you meet someone twice? why would you steal another turn? why are you bragging about it to us? "He's still the same charming person." Well it's nice to hear that time hasn't changed him.

Ari tells kinda-Raven "Full disclosure I am a total nerd," and she touches her heart, "same," and he continues, "I do love corny jokes." I just want to smack them both. Stop stealing my culture you jerks liking corny jokes is NOT nerdy. Being nerdy is staying up until 3am trying to get an extra two cycles shaved off your latest alchemic machine in Opus Magnum then tweeting about it.

Ari is FINALLY talking to Perky Bekah, on a sheepskin flung over the back seat of the Mustang and jesus the producers love her. I mean, we all do, really. The other women had to jostle each other for time but they've set up this whole tableau for Perky Bekah. P.B. asks him to "name three things that make [him] excited to be alive" and his #1 answer is actually "excitement" because he's ten. P.B. calls him on the redundancy and shifts in her seat, "'Excitement' makes you excited to be alive?" she says like Perry Mason. He says, "Well yah…" and she actually laughs openly at him. "I mean…adrenaline? Adrenaline I guess, you know." He didn't study for this quiz and he's sweatin’. He didn't know there'd be a test! "Other thing would be like, pizza." Oh Ari. So…you like race cars and pizza. Like, say, a ten-year-old?

Bekah's shoulder game is on fleek and she's waaaay too good for him but it'll take her like 5 episodes to realize this and bail. And I'll be here for you, Bekah.

Ari picks up the first impression rose and Bekah jumps up and is all, "Let's go see!" and encourages other girls to follow after her to find out where it's going. She's got the right attitude to survive this show. Bekah is SHOCKED to find out it's Hot Mess getting it and so are we kinda except honestly this is just producers creating drama because there's no way she made that good of an impression on him even with her tongue. If they gave it to one of the actually interesting women there'd be no DRAMA, but like with pro wrestling you gotta let the evil one win the first couple rounds.

CONFESSIONAL: Hot Mess says, "I'm not competitive by nature…" and that's all we really need to say here.

Chris Harrison appears and clinks his glass, because his job is REALLY HARD ya'll. It's rose ceremony time!

QUICK CUTS: Women don't want to go home tonight. They also don't know who'll be cut! These and other revelations.

—

The sun is rising over the mansion. Twenty-nine women line up to be judged by a mediocre man-child who is reasonably handsome but otherwise unremarkable.

Ari gives a speech about how he has to send some women home, but no hard feelings, k?

🌹 Becca K. — mock proposal brunette. 🌹 Marikh — indian food. Kendall — quirky AF. 🌹 Lauren G. — executive recruiter, not "Regulate" singer. 🌹 Krystal fitness makes it past week one I was wrong and honestly what was I thinking of course the ones they did profiles on survive the first week. 🌹 Perky Bekah, not like there was any doubt. 🌹 Lauren S. — social media Lauren. 🌹 Seinne - real estate. 🌹 Caroline - first realtor with interesting daytime fashion choices. 🌹 Brittany T. — tech recruiter, not to be confused with the executive recruiter, who is a Lauren not a Brittany.

VOICEOVER: while roses are being handed out we hear Bibiana saying how much she wants to be picked but she's nervous.

🌹 Bibiana is finally called. PHEW we were worried! 🌹 Annaliese "DO NOT call me Anna." Never bet against crazy! 🌹 Flappy Jenna — because TV loves crazy. 🌹 Valerie - red wash brunette server who's made among the more sane comments this show. 🌹 Jacqueline — the research coördinator in the red dress who I liked earlier because she seemed smart. 🌹 Jenny — graphic designer, but don't be fooled by the rocks that she got.

🌹 Lauren B. — tech sales person and that only leaves 🙅 Lauren J. without a rose (as predicted!) and can you imagine being the worst of all the Laurens on The Bachelor? Ouch. 🌹 Ashley real estate — this is the first time I've seen this show where they've been able to say "Ashley" without adding a last initial.

CONFESSIONAL: Racecarette tells us with some shock that she is actually worried she might not get a rose. (Did I am not a fan of her at all?) "How terrible would that be if I was expecting something and I did not get it." My god. Can you even imagine not getting something, when you wanted it? That's just not fair! Someone should invent a word just for such a feeling. Consider me shook.

🌹 kinda-Raven - I just noticed she has a tattoo on her left arm I think they've been trying to hide it.

Chris Harrison re-appears, as he is the only one with the counting skills to announce: ONE ROSE REMAINING.

QUICK CUTS: women don't want to be cut.

🌹 Maquel — that's Racecarette so it turns out she'll never have to experience what it's like to want something and not get it. God bless us one and all.

Ari says goodbye to the women who didn't get roses. At this point they've been up all night and it's light out and they're clearly all frazzled beyond reason. Some are crying and let's be honest if you kept me up all night drinking and judging me I'd be crying no matter what.

Amber the spray-tan lady cries on camera, which is like catnip to the producers, and they overlay that with footage of Ari toasting his remaining horde. Ari intones "I'm so happy I have an amazing group of women in front of me." I'm reminded that I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy, but clearly Ari chose differently.

Ari tells the women this week is going to be a little bit different, because he's in the driver's seat. Another race car joke! Will they ever get old?

Spoilers: yes.

[bruceeves]

“Work # 931-(10): Oh You . . . The End (A Play in Nine Scenes for Three Voices)”

Ronald Firbank figured out fairly early on, that all he needed to do to become a writer was to install himself among the terri-fying aristocratic grand-dames and brittle gay men that fre-quented the Café Royale every afternoon – and take dictation. Fast forward a century or so and the zeitgeist can be as easily chronicled by appropriating the seemingly random subtitled gifs and screen-grabs posted by anonymous bloggers on various Tumblr sites and rearrange them into storyboards. This caco-phony of voices easily coalesce into a narrative (regardless of how fractured it at first appears). What’s odd about this cluster of non sequiturs culled from mining the media landscape is both the apparent brevity of the subtitles overlaying the campy pop culture image postings but also, when taken together, the sense of dis-quiet and anger and Weltschmerz [German from Welt world + Schmerz pain] and almost panicked yearning for a past that in all probability never existed. The list of raw data collected is: A u.f.o. party; All painted up like trash; Alright, free-loaders; And miserably lonely; Daddy doesn‟t; Dad‟s friend drove me to school this morning; Darling; Death to those who support; Demonology; Dis. A. Gree; Do you go out with friends?; Do you think I‟m spooky?; Do; Don‟t; Easy-going sex with gorgeous under-age youths; Eating bana-nas around hot guys; Every mother‟s son of them; Everything is yours; Excuse me, I‟m not forcing him to do anything; Food; Forget; Fuck. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up; Fuck me; Fuck you and all your goddamn --; Fuck. You; Fuck; Fuck; Gay; Hate ray; Have children . . . ; Have you said “I love you”?; Hear; Hellooo . . . ; How would you like a spanking?; Human; I ain‟t got no panties on; I am feeling filthy; I chopped his head off; I don‟t know what‟s wrong; I . . . I don‟t know; I have enormous respect for filth; I just wanna fall; I like you; I like your beard; I want the whole thing; I want; I want; I‟d like to apply to become a homosexual please; I‟ll never have to work because my daddy is so rich; I am a very uh . . . curious man; I‟m completely reformed; I‟m fuckin‟ dead; I‟m gifted in other ways; I‟m horny, bitch; I‟m straight, bro; I‟m too good for men; It‟s a long story; It‟s not so bad; Jesus Christ! Listen to me; Meanwhile; Men! Can‟t do anything right!; Men; No, but I . . . ; Not fun is it?; Now it‟s too late for me, but save yourselves; Oh, fuck; Oh, honey; Oh, how I hate them; Oh, Jesus Christ; Oh my God; Oh yeah, he‟s gonna remember this New Year‟s Eve; Oh you; Okay!; Old; O.P.U.L.E.N.C.E. Opulence; Pathetic; Pay my bills? Of course just a sec . . . ; People; Per-vert; Rough sex; Say it; -- Shhh, my friend‟s almost done with your ass; Shut up, queer; Shut up!; Sir, your moustache is lovely; So was 9/11 justi-fied?; Society isn‟t my GOD; Sorry I‟m late; Stupid, useless; Swallow it!; That better be vodka; That is a slap in the face. No, I hate that; The End; They‟re only fairies; Violence; „We were brainwashed.‟; What about breakfast; What are you trying to say?; What we did was wrong; What do you care; What do you mean?; What makes life so difficult?; What the fuck are these people talking about?; What the hell are you talking about?; What-chu want a medal bitch?!; Whatever. I tried; What‟s it gonna be?; Where am I; Who gives a shit; Why did you grow that beard?; Why?; Worship!; Yer a lizard Harry; You hurt me and I want to hurt you back; You look so beautiful dressed as a woman; You noticed?; You own everything; You want these tits?; You want what you see?; You weak people; You. What follows is the rearrangement of this data . . .

A PLAY IN NINE SCENES FOR THREE VOICES

SCENE ONE (VOICE B) Hellooo . . . you weak people. I ain‟t got no panties on. Fuck me. (VOICE C) Men! Can‟t do anything right! (VOICE A) Excuse me; I‟m not forcing him to do anything. (VOICE B) Dad‟s friend drove me to school this morning. (VOICE C) Oh yeah, he‟s gonna remember this New Year‟s Eve. (VOICE B) Sorry I‟m late. Now it‟s too late for me, but save yourselves! (VOICE C) I‟ll never have to work cause my daddy is rich. (VOICE A) So was 9/11 justified? SCENE TWO (VOICE C) Alright, freeloaders, I want easy-going sex with gorgeous under-age youths. (VOICE B) Don‟t forget I‟m completely reformed. (VOICE A) We were brain-washed. (VOICE B) Jesus Christ! What do you mean? Don‟t swallow it! (VOICE A) What makes life so difficult? (VOICE C) Demonology. Yer a lizard Harry. (VOICE A) Pathetic. SCENE THREE (VOICE A) Oh you, all painted up like trash. (VOICE B) I have enormous respect for filth. (VOICE C) Dis. A. Gree! (VOICE B) What do you care? (VOICE C) Shut up! (VOICE B) Fuck. You. (VOICE A) Darling. (VOICE B) Where am I (VOICE C) Who gives a shit? (VOICE B) I . . . I don‟t know? (VOICE C) I‟m lost (VOICE B) Why? (VOICE A) What the fuck are these people talking about? (VOICE C) They‟re only fairies. SCENE FOUR (VOICE A) Gay men worship O. P. U. L. E. N. C. E. Op. You. Lence. Opulence. (VOICE B) Fuck. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I‟d like to apply to become a homosexual please. (VOICE C) Meanwhile. (VOICE B) Daddy doesn‟t listen to me (VOICE C) You noticed? (VOICE A) That is a slap in the face. (VOICE B) No, we hate that. (VOICE A) Do you think I‟m spooky? (VOICE B) What are you trying to say? (VOICE C) Shut up queer! SCENE FIVE (VOICE B) Do you go out with friends? (VOICE C) No, but I . . . I am feeling filthy, old and miserably lonely. I am a very uh . . . curious man. I just want to fall. Sir, your moustache is lovely. (VOICE B) You look so beautiful dressed as a woman. (VOICE C) You want these tits? (VOICE A) Say it. (VOICE B) That better be vodka. I‟m too good for men eating bananas around hot guys. SCENE SIX (VOICE A) Fuck I‟m horny, bitch (VOICE B) How would you like a spanking? (VOICE C) Have you said “I love you”? (VOICE A) I‟m straight bro (VOICE C) Whatcha want a medal bitch? (VOICE B) I want rough sex (VOICE A) What about breakfast? (VOICE C) You pervert.                                                                              SCENE SEVEN (VOICE A) Death to those who support a U.F.O party. Hear human food have children . . . (VOICE B) Oh, Jesus Christ! Everything is yours. I chopped his head off, every mother‟s son of them! VOICE A) Okay! Society isn‟t my GOD! (VOICE C) What the hell are you talking about? (VOICE A) Violence (VOICE C) Whatever. I tried. SCENE EIGHT (VOICE A) I‟ve read the posts on Tumblr. Thank you. (VOICE B) Not fun, is it? (VOICE C) You own everything (VOICE A) You hurt me and I wanted to hurt you back. (VOICE C) What we did was wrong. (VOICE B) Fuck you and all your goddamn – stupid, useless, people. Oh, how I hate them . . . SCENE NINE (VOICE B) Oh honey! I like your beard. (VOICE A) I like you. (VOICE B) What‟s it gonna be tonight? You want what you see? I‟m gifted in other ways. (VOICE A) I don‟t know what‟s wrong . . . (VOICE C) Shhh – my friend‟s almost done with your ass. (VOICE B) Why did you grow that beard? (VOICE A) Fuck. It‟s a long story. Oh fuck! I‟m fucking dead. (VOICE C) The end.                                                                                   Bruce Eves. March 5, 2015