#on the other side of the screen i'm a mother with no family support ( outside of my mil who is my CHAMPION )

[austerulous]

Good morning gang! I’m still sick, and still isolating with the kids. My plan for today is to carry on with the web weavings and visit inboxes like a li’l positivity fairy. I’m also going to clean out my followers again. Might purge the dustiest asks from my inbox too.

[letterstodixon]

oldies station.

modern au!

summary: Daryl receives a call asking for a favor. In doing so, he comes face to face with his past.

pairing: daryl dixon x f!reader

word count: 2084

warnings: a few cuss words. kinda mean!daryl. paragraphs in italics indicate flashbacks. not proofreading.

divider by @/saradika-graphics

a/n: sooo this is my first post! thinking about making this a series since i have a few ideas for this duo, but... i hope you enjoy! any form of support is appreciated <3

Daryl huffed, grabbing the nearest rag to wipe the grease off his hands as the ringing sound of his phone echoed in his ears. Although he usually worked with music, that day he had decided it was better to be silent as he tried to find the problem with the motorcycle in front of him. Standing up from the toolbox that served as a seat, he tripped over it in an attempt to reach the call in time, his phone almost slipping from his hands, black finger marks appearing on the screen and case. Before he brought the device to his ear, he managed to read Michonne's name, triggering a sense of alert in him. It wasn't often that she called, much less to him.

"Hey." Daryl spoke, placing his hand on his waist.

"Hey, Daryl. Can I ask you a huge favor?" The woman on the other end spoke. There was bustle in the background, making Daryl squint, as if that would make him hear more clearly.

"Wha's wrong?"

"Nothing, don't worry. I just can't make it on time to pick Judith from school, I'm stuck at work. Can you do it for me?" She asked, clearly in a hurry. Her voice sounded agitated.

Daryl nodded before talking, then shook his head when he realized she couldn't actually see him. "Yeah, no problem. When?"

"She's leaving in ten minutes." She replied, making him look at the clock on the wall, cursing under his breath. "Can you do it or not?"

"'Course, I'm on my way." He exclaimed as he moved to grab his motorcycle keys, ready to get on. On the other side, he felt Michonne breathe a sigh of relief.

"Thank you so much, Daryl, you're a life saver."

"No problem." As he was about to end the call, he heard her say his name one more time. "What?"

"Don't pick up my baby girl with a motorbike. Oh, and make sure Carl gets home too, can't leave him unsupervised for too long." She said before ending the call, making him run to get into Merle's car. It would be a quick trip, he probably wouldn't notice.

As he was making his way out of the auto repair shop that he shared with his older brother, Merle emerged from the bathroom just in time.

"Darylina, do you think we- hey! Where you goin'?" He yelled, as Daryl stuck his hand out of the car window to wave and sped off in the direction of school.

As he waited in front of the school, leaning against the car, he couldn't help but feel out of place. There were kids running around, mothers waiting and chatting, and way more noise than he'd like to hear. He didn't know when Judith would come out, but he saw a few kids her age outside the building, walking with their families, and he started to feel uneasy. Where was the girl supposed to be? What would he tell Rick and Michonne if he couldn't find her? What if he had to go into the school to find her? He didn't know where to go, and what would happen if...

"Uncle Daryl!" He heard, before he felt a direct impact against his body. Judith's arms had wrapped around him as best she could, and he leaned down just enough to rub her back gently.

"Hey kid. Where's Carl?" He asked, looking around to try and spot his oldest nephew.

"Where's mom?" The girl asked, completely ignoring Daryl, who sighed. Jude could be smart, and that made it easy to forget that she was just a kid.

"Yer mom's at work. I'll take you and Carl home." He explained, as he noticed how the girl nodded and then reached out her hand, taking his as best she could and started walking, forcing him to follow her. "Where ya goin'?"

"High school is over there. Carl should be leaving now, or he already left." Judith replied, to which Daryl responded with a nod. Sometimes, he forgot that they were in two completely different stages. Walking the few meters that separated the two buildings, he immediately stopped, making his niece turn to look at him in confusion. "What are you doing? Carl's over there!"

"I ain't going, you go get 'im, then we leave" Daryl excused himself, letting go of the little girl's hand to wipe the sweat from his own hands on his pants. Carl was at the school door, talking to one of his teachers. He knew she was a teacher, because you had always wanted to be one. From the paint stains on your clothes, he assumed that you had finally chosen to be an art teacher, and your hair was still as messy as it had been years ago. And he knew that one day the time would come to be face to face with you again.

He was, and still is, a bit of a loner. You were, too, but once he met you, he couldn't understand how you decided to be his friend. Without knowing when or how, he blinked and had you glued to the hip, sharing classes and projects, hanging out every time you could, trying to make him laugh at every chance you got. You didn't have many friends yourself, but still were kind to everyone in sight. You would help anyone when they needed, even if that person was shit, and the biggest example was himself. When he dropped out of school, under the influence of his older brother, who assured him that he would never make it, Daryl found himself every day with a bunch of papers under his door, and they were class notes. Your class notes. He was observant and could recognize your handwriting anywhere, but he could also recognize the little scribbles on the side of the yellow-ish, torn pages of your notebook. He never understood why you did that, because every time he looked through the ragged curtain or opened the door, you were gone. Until that day they when he decided to wait behind the door, gripping tightly on the knob. As soon as the papers were slid under the door, he swung it open, taking you by surprise, making you gasp as a hand flew to your chest. Your shirt, too big for your body frame, was covered in brush strokes and drips of paint, as was the side of your face. He stood there, mesmerized, but blinked out of his trance once he heard your voice.

"You scared the shit out of me, man. What's going on?"

He narrowed his eyes, tilting his head slightly. "What?"

"I can see you're not going to school, Daryl, it's hard not to notice. Listen, if you're having trouble with it, I can help you! We can even have... Uh, study meetings? I'll let you copy my answers if you need to." You rambled, your paint-covered fingers gripping the handle of the bag, seemingly nervous. Daryl remained stoic since he opened the door, and having seen a much nicer side of him, it was unusual to have this kind of treatment. Daryl, as he normally would with other people, snorted.

"Do you think I give a shit 'bout those damn class notes? I ain't coming back to tha' shit hole, bunch'a pussies think they're better than everyone." He spat, hearing Merle's voice in his head, taking the papers at his feet in his fist, throwing them in your direction. His chest tightened as he noticed the confusion on your face, trying to take the crumpled papers. Frowning, he watched as you opened and closed your mouth, trying to find the words.

"I don't... I don't understand, is something wrong happening? I can help, Daryl, re-"

"You'll help me by leavin'. Ain't got time for yer fake ass kindness, girl, I'm done." He said, slamming the door shut to avoid having to keep seeing your confused and hurt face. Leaning his back against it, he brought one of his trembling hands to his forehead, immediately regretting how he had treated you. Why did the worst of his decisions always win?

"Shit." A sudden pain in his foot made him hiss in pain, looking down at Judith, who had stepped on him to get his attention, failing to do so subtly. Frowning, he was about to speak again until he followed the girl's gaze, who indicated your presence in front of him. Somehow, at some point, as he traveled through his memories, Carl and Judith came to him, bringing you with them. His breath got stuck in his troath, unable to speak.

"You okay, Daryl? You zoned out for a bit." Your voice reached his ears and he could've sworn he felt goosebumps immediately. You looked as beautiful as ever, grown features present, but beautiful nonetheless, always a smile on your lips. He cleared his throat, looking between Carl and Jude before speaking, both amused and confused expressions planted on their faces.

"Uh, yeah. Jus' got distracted." He replied, scratching his beard gently, though it didn't itch. He didn't know exactly what to say, considering the last time had been almost two decades ago, and you'd had to leave thanks to his shitty attitude. "You a teacher, huh?"

"Yep, got to do what I love and work with these angels, too. It's great, actually. How about you?" You replied, the smile never leaving your face, but Daryl seemed to have no reaction, trying to find words in the whirlwind that was caused in his mind, so he just nodded, a sound of approval leaving his lips. The situation was becoming a bit awkward. Not wanting to prolong that moment, you turned to look at Carl, who shrugged subtly, not understanding. "Well, I... I should probably get going. It was nice to see you again, Daryl, really."

You reached out your hand, as if to touch his arm, but retracted it and gave a small wave, taking a few steps back. Daryl knew that you knew better than to touch him without warning, and that you must have remembered every time he rejected or squinted at your advances, but right now, he wished you would have touched his arm, his hand. Hell, he'd sell his soul for a hug from you. Watching you walk backwards, you waved to his niece and nephew, adjusting the strap of your bag over your shoulder.

"Bye, Jude, see ya tomorrow! Carl, work on your project! Email me if you're having trouble with it." You said, giving Daryl one last look, nodding in greeting, before turning around and walking to your car.

"I will! Bye, Y/N!" Carl greeted, turning to look at Daryl, who looked frozen in place. "What the hell was that? Do you know her?"

Daryl gulped and nodded. "Yeah, she was m' friend. I never knew about her 'til today."

"You were frozen, uncle, what happened?" Judith asked, as he took her hand to walk back to the car. Carl laughed beside her, making him frown.

"Wha's so funny?"

"You were so crushing on her. It was embarrassing." The teenager taunted, earning a harmless shove. His sister joined in the laughter, covering her mouth.

"Uncle Daryl has a crush!" She sing-songed, jumping. In response, her uncle ruffled his hair, undoing the braid that decorated her blonde strands. "Hey!"

"Get in the car and stop messing with me." He ordered, feigning annoyance as he climbed into the driver's seat, Carl beside him and Judith in the backseat. As soon as he closed the door, Carl grabbed his phone, typing non-stop, his gaze glued to the screen. "Ain't ya tired of using that damn thing?"

"Nope." He replied, not even looking at him. Daryl shook his head, starting the car and driving in silence, just listening to the songs Jude was improvising.

It didn't take long to get to the Grimes' house, both children getting out of the car and thanking him. The little girl jumped until she reached the stairs of the house, waiting for her brother, while Carl leaned on the car window, watching his uncle.

"Thank me later. Bye, uncle." He said, rushing to open the door, not giving Daryl time to react. Making sure they had both entered their home before starting the car, he felt his phone ring in his pocket. This time, it wasn't the ringtone of a call, but a text message.

'Hey, it's Y/N! Carl sent me your number, hope you don't mind :)'

That damn kid.

[karenandhenwilson]

I think it's sad how on one side the whole fandom bemoans that the concept of found family is so often pressed into the nuclear family idea instead of exploring different structures that still mean family. And then on the other side, somehow both sides of the current discourse (if one can even use that word) go on and press the Buckley-Diaz family into this nuclear family idea to support their arguments.

There is the anti-Tommy and anti-Bucktommy side. And they go on and on about how neither Eddie nor Buck will ever be able to date someone other than each other because no one will ever fit in their family. Buck and Eddie also won't ever be able to balance a relationship with anyone else and the family they have built. So, it's a foregone conclusion that every other relationship we see will of course eventually be destroyed by Buck and Eddie's friendship. Then there is the pro-Tommy and pro-Bucktommy side. And they go on and on about how, no, Buck and Eddie and Chris aren't really a family. Because for them, too, somehow the pre-existing family unit is threatening the relationship between Buck and Tommy. Because they, too, believe Tommy (or anyone else) wouldn't fit in that relationship construct, wouldn't be able to find his own place in that relationship. And therefore what we see on screen about the depth of that relationship really isn't as deep as it's shown and find one reason after another to support their claim.

We have seen in this show that a family can be so much more than the nuclear family model and still be a very tight nit unit. And I'll go with the assumption for a moment that tumblr is the queer website, so most of the people here should really have experience with found family because it so often works differently for us queer people. (Though, in my personal case, my family structure never resembled much of the nuclear family model even before my parents divorced or I ventured out into the world on my own. Has been fun explaining my family since before I started school: "Yeah, you know. I have nine people I consider grandparents. And that works like this…")

You are falling into the same trap Western* society has installed in our heads for the past 70 or so years. (Because the concept of nuclear family of "father, mother, and 2.5 children" isn't that old! Look at your history and figure out the difference between how families worked before and after the two world wars and why the nuclear family concept was propagated especially starting in the 50s.)

*specifying Western here because I'm really not sure how the historical development was or is outside of Europe and North America. And I'm not risking a research spiral for a short tumblr post. But if anyone wants to share their knowledge or sources, I'm all ears.

[destinyc1020]

Destiny, I don't know if i can ask this question but there has been some discussion on Zendaya's role in the Nolan film and how bith her and Lupita allegedly supporting roles whilst Tom, Damon and Hathaway are core leads. THR also said Rob was a lead, but their the only ones cause the rest of the trades haven't said one thing.

On one hand, I'm a fan of both Tom and Z, and if their in a film together outside of SM, I'm there regardless. But I'm also trying to be objective and fair, and see from both sides. Although I was annoyed with some stans complaining, I can see why they're frustrated.

Zendaya is the most impactful actress/celeb of her generation, and yet she's not been a lead that much. She's always playing roles in service of yt leads directed by white men.

Daisy Edgar-Jones has been a lead 4 times in a film, and Sydeny Sweeney has been a lead 7 times and is currently working to be in a lead in two other projects rn, her biopic and that movie with Amanda. Zendaya has been famous for longer and has been a lead twice (not counting the drama), and mainly supporting roles despite her being the reason most ppl go to see a project. I remember when Dune Part 1 came, and ppl were complaining how little screen time she had and Denis promised her in the sequel he would add more character depth for her even to the annoyance of Dune purists which I personally feel was a good choice considering in the books, Chani is just like Javier bardems character lol and that wouldn't be fun to watch.

However, I do think it's interesting that these fans only have this criticism now, considering in past interviews, Z has spoken how she'd rather be a small role in a great film than a lead in a bad film and despite Daisy and Sydney being leads only a few of those films are watchable lol. Most are duds, no shade, and won't be remembered if you're not a core stan. The main issue is that they hate her with Tom. Again, I don't want to police fandoms cause ppl should be entitled to vent sometimes, I didn't always agree with that Tom blog thatwas here but there times I was frustrated with the Francessa situation and how it was handled and those washed allegations and not all blogs are equipped to deal with anons who want to vent and be negative. But those fans want nothing to do with Tom, and I just know if Tom wasn't the lead and it was someone else, ppl wouldn't be this vexed. It'd be understandable if he was a horrible person, but he's not, and that sometimes sucks as a fan of both.

Not to gas him too much because I read on that x app that female fans of yt men are equivalent to boy mothers😱, but Tom is in privileged position as a man and still is a good person, outside looking in. Most actors around his age are grinding like crazy to make their mark, and oftentimes, male actors are bad to date because they are very selfish because it ride or die for them. Tom isn't like that. He doesn't dominate his career over his relationships. Like, no offence to these guys cause they are talented, but Glen Powell and Timothee speak about how much their career means so much to them and what they've sacrificed. Glen lost his relationship over that showmance and Timothee before Kylie was not a relationship guy at all, like if it's affecting his career, he'd drop the girl lol. I say this as someone who was a fan at the beginning but now more of a casual fan, lol. Kylie is his longest, but it's lasted cause she's more successful than him and has the finance to work around his intense schedule. He recently admitted that he went method for that dylan biopic and didn't communicate with family and friends for 3 months cause of it. Tom wouldn't do that. Even when he was struggling mentally with TCR, he was always making time for his charities and going to see Z in Budapest and Jordan. That's his perogative, but most male actors wouldn't do that.

I also remember you and some other fans wanting Tom to take more supporting roles to take the pressure of being in leads and to add more variety to his filmography. So, having Tom as the lead for Nolan and American Speed is great, but also like Tom, we are going forward but backwards, if that makes sense.

Another viewpoint that both sides need to consider is that Nolan is known for his ensembles in films, and the most impactful films have the best supporting roles.

Heath Ledger, Cillian Murphy, Elliot Page, Christian Bale in the prestige, Dunkirk supporting roles, Rob Pattinson, RDJ, Emily Blunt, Tom Hardy...

One could argue they were the best parts of their films but also none of them are as imoactful and are the current A-list like Z is, according to Complex and THR list.

Also, sorry for the rant, lol. I just like to see both sides of a situation because ppl need to see others' perspectives and not take it personally. I'm speaking for myself cause I do take things personally😭

All love✌🏾💓

Whew.... Chiiiiilllle.... you went all the way from Adam to Armageddon with your ask Anon lol 😆 😂

I'm really trying to figure out what the point of your whole ask is, or what it's overall trying to say? I don't understand your question, I'm sorry. 😔

First, you start off talking about the Nolan casting, then you talk about your disappointment with the Francesca/R&J play stuff, then you talk about fans not liking Tom, then you go on to compare other actors to Tom and how they're selfish and are hustling in their careers, then you go back to talking about Nolan and supporting actors, and then you end with again complaining about how Z isn't a lead in this Nolan film. 🥴

Chiiiiilllle, I'll be honest, I was a bit confused lol. I wasn't sure if this was just a personal rant that you needed to get out of your system and you didn't really want a response back, or if you actually wanted me to respond lol. 😅

Anyway, in case you wanted my response, I'll try to just respond back to a few things that you said.....

Click Below For My Thoughts: 👇🏾

Zendaya is the most impactful actress/celeb of her generation, and yet she's not been a lead that much. She's always playing roles in service of yt leads directed by white men.

Perhaps Z just likes being in certain films with certain directors, and doesn't really care whether she's lead or not right now? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I think fans need to stop putting that pressure on Zendaya to be who they want her to be, instead of just letting her BE.

Plus, we all saw just how much PRESSURE it was for her to lead "Challengers" all on her own shoulders. The girl dropped like 10 lbs during the press tour! 😩 Being the LEAD of a film is not only a lot of hard work, but it's also a lot of pressure. I don't think people realize this. The film is riding ALL on your own shoulders. That's a lot!

Zendaya is the one choosing these roles. She might be getting offers for lead roles, but maybe they're not roles that call to her, or they're crappy. Women in Hollywood (especially woc) don't always have the best options for roles. It's just the truth. She's more than likely very picky.

If you have a problem with the roles that Z is choosing for HERSELF, then maybe you need to talk to Z directly lol. 😅

I honestly don't see anything wrong with Z's career choices so far. I actually think she's been very smart in her career choices? 🤷🏾‍♀️

Daisy Edgar-Jones has been a lead 4 times in a film, and Sydeny Sweeney has been a lead 7 times and is currently working to be in a lead in two other projects rn, her biopic and that movie with Amanda. Zendaya has been famous for longer and has been a lead twice (not counting the drama), and mainly supporting roles despite her being the reason most ppl go to see a project.

First of all, I don't usually like to compare woc to white women in Hollywood, for obvious reasons. 😒

But second, have you forgotten that Zendaya plays the lead to a show that Sydney herself is on as well? 🤔 Have you forgotten that Zendaya is a 2-time Emmy winner? No shade to Sydney at all, but she hasn't accomplished that yet. Just saying.... 🤷🏾‍♀️

I keep saying that it's not so much how many times you've been a lead. There are plenty of actors out here who have NEVER led a major film before and they're awesome supporting actors, and people LOVE them. Don't sleep on supporting roles. Sometimes, those are the most impactful in a film.

But those fans want nothing to do with Tom, and I just know if Tom wasn't the lead and it was someone else, ppl wouldn't be this vexed. It'd be understandable if he was a horrible person, but he's not, and that sometimes sucks as a fan of both.

Re: Tom, Z, and the Nolan film.... I think fans just need to wait and see how the film turns out before having mental breakdowns about who has how much screen time, and who's the lead and whatnot. But maybe that's just me. 🤷🏾‍♀️

And as far as some fans not liking Tom.... Unfortunately, we can't change people's minds about someone. Their dislike of him is very irrational, especially for someone so nice as Tom is. But when hate seems irrational, you know that it's not based on logical things. In that case, you can just ignore all the nonsense.

Tom is in privileged position as a man and still is a good person, outside looking in.

Yes, Tom is a very good person, both inside and out! 🥰

Most actors around his age are grinding like crazy to make their mark, and oftentimes, male actors are bad to date because they are very selfish because it ride or die for them. Tom isn't like that. He doesn't dominate his career over his relationships. Like, no offence to these guys cause they are talented, but Glen Powell and Timothee speak about how much their career means so much to them and what they've sacrificed.

Hmm... 🤔 I mean, I think it's nice to recognize Tom's good qualities without putting other actors down. 🥴

First of all, I feel that it's just difficult in the Hollywood industry to date just in general. 😔 As an actor, your life is VERY transient. I can see how that would make it difficult for many to date or be in serious relationships.

Tom and Z got very LUCKY. Let's not forget that. They've also been dating each other for like 8 years and are in a totally different stage of their relationship (I say engaged lol 🤭) than they were just 4 years ago, and compared to other actors. I wouldn't compare TZ (who have been dating for 8 years and are more likely engaged) to a couple that's only been dating each other for 2 or 3 years. Keep in mind too that TZ as well weren't moving in this way at the beginning of their careers. They were moving very differently. Recall how many DROUGHTS we had during the Tomdaya 1.0 period lol. 😅 They were also long distance for years, so they have always had to make the most of their time with each other. Vs. other couples who usually live in the same city as their significant others, or, at least the same continent rofl and can see them more freely.

Second..... I think another thing we have to keep in mind is that Tom isn't having to "grind" like he used to because he has Disney/MCU money. 💰 He was the lead of a HUGE major franchise at like, age 19. MOST actors aren't making bank like that. No offense. And all of the actors you mentioned aren't in a position to just coast like that.

Glen Powell for example, has been acting for years, but he is currently in his mid-30s and is JUST now starting to get his career going. He's JUST now receiving lead roles and recognition for his work after years of working as a background and supporting actor with minor screen time. Glen didn't have Spiderman in his early 20s to set him up in a rich money situation where he doesn't have to hustle.

Same with Timothee.

I think it's just good for fans to recognize that. Also, there's nothing wrong with hustling. You should hustle now so you don't have to hustle later. Z did the same exact thing. In fact, Tom did the same exact thing as well if you notice.

Also, I feel like MOST actors sacrifice a lot in this industry. Tom himself has sacrificed a lot. His personal time, a normal life, being able to walk down the street unnoticed, SLEEP lol, etc. MOST actors sacrifice a lot to be in this industry. It's not an easy industry to be in. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with Timmy, Glen, or other actors mentioning how much they've sacrificed for their work, but maybe that's just me.

He recently admitted that he went method for that dylan biopic and didn't communicate with family and friends for 3 months cause of it. Tom wouldn't do that. Even when he was struggling mentally with TCR, he was always making time for his charities and going to see Z in Budapest and Jordan. That's his perogative, but most male actors wouldn't do that.

Well, honestly? I think more actors than you realize have gone "method" for at least one role in their career rofl 🤣 Do I think it's the best method of acting? No. But I can see why some actors can easily get sucked into that even unknowingly, especially when they are doing an intense role, or a role for a biopic film. I don't think it's smthg to look down upon, but just smthg to hope that the actor learns from, and that they decide that there are better ways of getting a good work product without needing to go method.

For Timmy, I get the impression that was just for this Bob Dylan role anyway. I don't get the impression he goes method for all of his films. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I also don't usually like using such finite statements like the one in red above, because the truth of the matter is, we really DON'T know what might happen in the future. Saying, "Tom would NEVER do that" just sounds so..... so.... definitive, but I never like saying stuff like that, coz idk! 🤷🏾‍♀️ And what if he does one day? Then what are we going to say?

Tom has also NEVER played the lead in a major biopic film playing a huge, well-known musician that everyone knows either. So....We really don't know what that kind of huge weight and pressure on someone can do. 😔

I'm just saying, let's not be too judgmental of other actors, coz anything can befall anybody.

I also remember you and some other fans wanting Tom to take more supporting roles to take the pressure of being in leads and to add more variety to his filmography. So, having Tom as the lead for Nolan and American Speed is great, but also like Tom, we are going forward but backwards, if that makes sense

Yes! I said that I think Tom would benefit from taking on a great supporting role on a well-done film with an awesome director, than a lead role in a lackluster film. I also said that he should do an ensemble film again. With this Nolan film it looks like he's doing just that! 😃👍🏾

Another viewpoint that both sides need to consider is that Nolan is known for his ensembles in films, and the most impactful films have the best supporting roles

Most definitely! 😊 So far, I have loved a lot of Nolan's ensemble films (i.e. "Inception", "Oppenheimer", "TENET"). They're usually very well done. 😀 His supporting characters (usually male) tend to have really great roles. I'm SUPER excited about this one. 😁

[being-of-rain]

I thought I'd continue my usual trend of writing my thoughts down on new Doctor Who episodes, by talking about The Star Beast. As usual, I set out to write something quick and concise, but the Wrarth Warriors busted down my door and told me that I legally couldn't.

Apparently I still have the impulse to describe Doctor Who episodes as 'fun', but by and large it's a fun show! And a fun episode! Even if I'm not as obsessed with him as a lot of fans, RTD has a charm which it's hard not to enjoy, especially with lots of little jokes and bits of physical comedy (I love little bits of physical comedy). And it's a funny episode, I was laughing from the moment the Doctor picked up a box, saw Donna, and put the box back again. Well that's not true, I was laughing from the moment I saw David Tennant just standing in green screen space like he was about to tell me the exciting new direction he intended to take the company. I'm glad everyone else seems to find that as funny as I did.

Another word I could use to describe the episode is a bit surreal. Having Beep the Meep and the Wrarth Warriors on screen was a little surreal, but strangely I found it even more so that the Doctor was walking around not knowing who Beep the Meep was. I mean obviously that was always going to be the case, but all Doctor Who mediums just live together inside my head and it was just weird to see him not recognise an iconic enemy. Maybe that was just me. Oh but Beep and the Warriors looked fantastic! It's hard to believe they're all physical effects! I really wasn't too interested in the UNIT gunfight that didn't really do much for the story, but if the new big budget lets aliens look that good then I'm fine with it. Other slightly surreal or strange things involved finally watching Doctor Who again after more than a year's break, watching it on Disney Plus rather than Australia's ABC channel, and seeing Ruth Madeley on-screen as UNIT's scientific advisor when she's also playing a companion of the Sixth Doctor in the audios at the moment.

Oh and, of course, having the Tenth Doctor and Donna back on-screen, and the TV show doing what fanfiction writers have been doing for 15 years. That was really surreal. I definitely like the two of them, but I don't have the same rampant nostalgia for their time on the show like lots of people do. I'm glad lots of people are enjoying the nostalgia aspect, but I'm also glad this is a mini-series rather than a full one. And already there's some aspects back of RTD's writing which I'm not super fond of- like conclusions that try to use technobabble and music-swelling emotional moments to smooth over the fact that some things are just happening without much cause or set-up. RTD's usually pretty good at that too- that's how the whole DoctorDonna thing started in the first place, after all- so Donna and Rose just 'letting go' of the metacrisis did feel like it fell unusually flat. Especially with it being paired with a 'women are better than men' moment which felt more like something from a Moffat script (I say this as a fan of both these writers).

Okay, that was just me trying to get all of my negatives out of the way! On the flip side, Rose inheriting the metacrisis and saving the day was a wonderful revelation, and I love that daughter/mother and loving family relationships were so important on the whole. Seeing Sylvia stumble with pronouns but still try was so lovely, as was Donna being so aggressively supportive of her daughter. And Shaun was a small role but so hilarious.

The chat outside the Tardis was great too, with Shaun dunking on the Doctor, and Donna being genre-savvy enough to stop her daughter getting into the Tardis but not enough to save herself. The new Tardis itself was a little empty to me (I'll always prefer more homely interiors) but was still extremely cool. All I want is for the show to come up with excuses for creative ways to use the mood lights. And I couldn't imagine a better ending to the episode than the console exploding because Donna spilt coffee on it, 10/10 no notes.

I know basically nothing about the next episode, and it seems that's the case for most people, so I'm terribly excited about it! It seems potentially scary spooky 👀 I'm so here for that

[mutantchicohiphop]

Lil' Vent

Eh, might just use this opportunity to vent a little.

Goddamn, I hate not living alone. I may be 19, but my mother still treats me like a baby. I obviously can't afford to live on my own, and I still can't afford a car of my own. I rely on my mom for transportation, and she refuses to let me go with people she doesn't approve of. She's let me go to a friend's house once or twice, but her paranoia gets the best of her. I know she cares about me, but it's annoying.

It feels like she still sees me as a helpless girl rather than a grown man with a need to socialize. My brothers have cars of their own, and they get to sleep with their girlfriends or disappear for days on end. She bugs them when they're away but still allows them to go. I can't go anywhere without her taking me somewhere. I hate it. When I brought this up to her, I got yelled at.

I told her I'm a legal adult and she's not obligated to look after me. I told her, "Why don't you kick me out then?" and she told me that I should just leave if I wanted to hang out with friends so much. I've always been trapped in the house when there's no school or extracurriculars. It's always been that way since I was a child. I've never been to birthday parties outside of family parties; I've never been to a sleepover unless it was at a cousin's house with exclusively family. I could never keep friendships at school because I could never invest time in them outside of school.

I have nowhere else to go. I have to deal with my brothers misgendering me 24/7 while I'm seen as the bad guy for even correcting them. My mom is the best supporter because she's allowed me to go on T and is trying to use my new pronouns. She's been through rough shit all her life, and she's not a bad mom. I love her, and I appreciate her support and all the sacrifices she made to parent me and love me. Since my dad left, she's been a bit better, but sometimes I feel like I drag her down by just existing. I feel like she's much happier when I'm at work or school because I'm not there to bother her or make her feel horrible.

My boyfriend of a year left me last month, and I feel like my mom is all I have here. I do have great friends online, but I want to have actual friends offline. I want to hang out with people, smile for them, and express myself. Most of all, I want someone by my side and someone to love me for me. I realized I'd been used for a year and even lied to. Some guy thought he was "unlovable" before he met me, yet used my emotions until he found someone "better." I was so angry and hurt when he sent that breakup message through a FUCKING gc we had with the other person. I want to hate him, but I can't. He offered to still be friends with me like we once were before dating, but I just couldn't. It felt like I had been lied to all along. I agreed to let him explore a relationship with someone else while he said he still wanted to live a life with me.

One year. One year of telling me how much he loved me, wanted to touch me and how much he loved my laugh, my blue hair, and my body. It felt like I could be loved, but I guess all of that was bullshit. I loved him with all of my heart, and this is the thanks I get. I think I won't be able to dye my hair blue for now because of what he'd say when I sent him pictures. Telling me that I look very attractive in blue hair. Now I feel like him leaving me was proof that no one can ever love me. Not even someone with more intense kinks than me could love me. I felt stupid for believing everything he told me.

Why don't I get therapy? Well, I went through a whole fucking screening process and shit. A fucking medical evaluation and everything. I'm still waiting for individual as well as family therapy. I'm still waiting for an appointment.

That's all I want to vent about before I fall asleep. I bot a blood test in the morning.

[andmineisyellow]

Can we talk about the comparisons between garvez and polin 👀👀 the mutual pining. The TENSION

Yes! Yes! And yes! I love the pining and the tension, and that their relationships are rooted in friendship. And I think a big reason why they take up so much space in my brain is that I love that they are as similar as they are different.  Let’s break it down, shall we?

I don't know if Luke Alvez is book!Colin-coded because Romancing Mr. Bridgerton was written first, or if Book!Colin is Alvez-coded because I loved Alvez first. Either way, they're both charming, cheeky, and kind, they love British baked goods, and they often have difficulty expressing negative emotions. They’re fiercely loyal to their family (In Luke's case, the BAU) and are incredibly supportive partners. They're knowledgeable and witty in their own right, but they also recognize that their Penelope is the best and the brightest. And they will tell anyone who will listen just how amazing their Penelope is.

The biggest difference, of course, is that it takes Colin quite a bit longer to get to know Pen and develop feelings for her, as opposed to Alvez, who is pretty much smitten the second he meets Garcia. I think you can chalk this up to maturity though. Colin meets Pen when he's a young adult in the books and most likely as a child in the show, vs Alvez and Garcia who are 40-somethings when they meet. But in fairness to Colin, Luke has known Garcia for seven years and has (as far as we know) still not been fully upfront about his feeling. Once Colin realized his feelings for Pen, he made those feelings known.

And then we have the Penelopes, who on a surface level are quite similar as well. They are both typically the smartest person in any room, which makes them confident (sometimes overconfident) in their work, but can be insecure when it comes to what’s going on in their personal lives. They have an excellent sense of humor and are wildly resourceful when they need to be. Garcia and Show!Pen especially tend to internalize a lot, although neither of them is as good at hiding their feelings as they think they are. Gaining confidence outside of their specific talent, and learning to express themselves in a healthier way, is a large part of both of their arcs.

Overall though, I think their differences are much more significant. Again, Garcia is older than Pen, and she’s living in the modern day, so she’s much more comfortable with her sexuality. She also has a lot more life experience when she meets Alvez. For Pen, Colin is her first and only love, but Garcia has had significant others. She’s been in love before and she had a genuine connection with Derek that completely informs her negative first impression of Alvez. It is because of those past relationships (both good and bad), that she keeps Alvez at arm’s length, something Pen never does with Colin (at least not in their book and not yet in the show, we’ll see what happens in season 3). 

We also have to talk about Garcia and Pen's fashion sense because it tells us so much about both of them. Garcia loves maximalism. She uses bright colors and accessories to distract from the horrors and the trauma she witnesses while working at the BAU. Her loud fashion is an important part of her identity.  Pen hates her bright, neon dresses because they were forced upon her by her mother. For Pen, those bright “happy” colors are associated with her trauma and so she prefers softer and more simple looks when she dresses for herself.

As individual characters, and as couples Garvez and Polin are two sides of the same coin. They’re wholesome and they’re messy. They’re incredibly cute and incredibly hot. They challenge each other in ways you wouldn't necessarily expect.

I don't think I realized how much I missed Garvez until they were back on my screen and I'm so grateful to have them during this Bridgerton drought.

[thebrisingamen]

Something frustrating I've noticed, especially in the early aughts shows I liked, exceptions of course existed but I'm talking as a broader whole.

GENERATOR REX:

-Dr. Holiday; The 'motherly' figure, who's super smart and figures things out but like...she doesn't DO much of anything to advance the story or plot and she's often not doing much

-Circe; An extremely satellite love interest who disappears? idk wtf happens to her, tbh. she has 0 personality

-Black Knight; The villain lady, Ice Queen Archetype. Boring

And that's all I can think of that are NAMED, APPEAR FOR MORE THAN ONE EPISODE female characters....

SECRET SATURDAYS

-Drew Saturday; Mostly a good character, but falls into the Mom trope. She's the mother/relative of our main character and so is often more supporting than active. At least she is active and complex.

-Wadi; Love Interest, bratty child one because they're 10-11 but she gets very little screen time and we don't know much about her beyond the fact that she likes to steal items & likes Zak.

-Rani Nagi; A Naga, who is evil and wants to revive Kur and is a villain with no more depth than that...

-Dr. Miranda Grey & Abbey Grey; The Grey Sisters are supporting cast and not very interesting--they just fulfill story purpose but at least they're women. Secret Saturdays is the least bad about this, but 5 named female characters appearing for more than one episode is...bad...

BEN 10;

-Main Female Lead is Cousin, who is supposedly pretty powerful in the following series though we only ever see her do support, we never see much of a focus on her as a character and she is rather static.

She remains bossy good girl cousin, the brainy one of the trio dating emotionally unavailable Kevin who needs to deal with his trauma, despite Kevin and Ben having more connection and scenes in the entire series.

Her entire character revolves around who she is related to (Ben, Their Grandfather, Her Grandmother, etc.) or who she is romantically attracted to (Kevin, Morning/Dark Star, etc.)

We never talk about Gwen's interests, what Gwen likes, who Gwen is outside of her family. Apparently she likes school but WHAT ELSE GUYS?

-Kai Green; There's a lot to unpack here; Her first name is at least Native American, but the whole introduction episode has not aged well and, just. Wow. Also she's boring and evil, I guess? Like what the hell? Oh also a love interest who is introduced in one ep and returns in the third series

-Julie Yamamoto; Another LOVE INTEREST and she does actually seem pretty cool, but then they broke her and Ben up because reasons???? Reasons.

Reasons Being That A Strong Female Character With Actual Screen Time Was Too Hard

ESPECIALLY since they had them break up OFF. SCREEN. in between series.

That is totally not suspicious at all.

-Other Female Characters; forgettable, one-shot, etc.

This is pretty much an epidemic for early 2000s cartoons & is also well exemplified in the Nolanverse Batman Trilogy

Female Characters Have A Very Limited Range To Be

They Are

1. The Mom/Sister/Cousin etc Relative Character who has some moments but is mostly support for the main cast and rarely, if ever, showcases her abilities unless everyone else is out of it. This character is only comic relief and rarely presented as pretty and is relegated to side-kick.

2. The Good Girl. Pure of Heart, Usually The Love Interest Satellite Character Who Acts As The Morality Pet/Compass to Main Male Character. 9/10 times she's also a virgin or too innocent to be overtly sexual....

3. The Traitor/Villain/Bad Girl. Almost Always Sultry and/or Sexy (bc owning your sexuality is "bad") and clearly represents temptation for our hero. Can't be evil just to be evil, must have a reason.

And that's it. I think its why I always disliked Ben 10 in many ways, the same for Generator Rex; I wanted to like these shows, but there was either too much going on to follow a coherent story (Rex) or the ongoing issues with a series made in the 2000s

Alien Force WAS SO GOOD and that is WHERE the show should've ended its run, but then Omniverse happened.

-So yeah, stop doing these three female characters please, PLEASE give us varied people in shows. It is happening, slowly but surely.

Also we were robbed

-Ben 10 (alien series)

-Gen Rex (AU alien earth)

-Secret Saturdays (Cryptids)

-Magic? MAGIC? it's been mentioned several times in original BEN 10 series that magic exists & is real, same with Secret Saturdays and its been established they share the same universe so...

WHERE IS OUR MAGIC SHOW, MAN OF ACTION?

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Lovely Writer episode 9 - analysis

Since I need to distract myself from the exam tomorrow, I figured, I would interest you in a new Lovely Writer analysis because oh boy did much happen yesterday... Gene and Nubsib took things next level again, Aoey showed his true colors and thankfully we didn't see very much of the director because I wanna punch him so badly.

Aoey

This whole episode starts with Aoey more or less inviting Gene to spend time with him. I think the tension and uncormfortness Gene feels is well portrayed here. Aoey is in a bar which doesn't seem to have any windows which already makes us feel imprisoned. Even though the color scheme focusses on earth tones, which are normally very calming, all those light bulbs in the background mixed with Aoey's clothes, all in one color only, make this scene even more uncomforting. Aoey seems dangerous only wearing a neutral color because nothing of his personality shines through and we fear he holds back because it's ugly. This whole scenery seems to scream "Gene doesn't want to be here".

Then, Aoey starts to talk and we know why we feel like this. The tension is extremely uncomfortable and I cringed about it - not in a negative way - because I was so scared what Aoey was going to do. This scene underlines one more time that Aoey feels unloved and unworthy of love.

Stop loving Nubsib. Love me. I'm cute too.

It gets more precise when Aoey talks to Mhok and rejects him not because he doesn't like him back but because he hates himself so much. He feels pathetic. He feels worthless. He has very low self-esteem and messes things up to make people hate him. He is his own enemy. Mhok doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to help him emotionally because Aoey pushes him away. At the same time, Aoey is thankful for Gene not hating him even though Gene has every reason to. Gene is someone he hangs on to, like Gene is his redemption. But Aoey will never reach redemption if he continues to do stuff to convince people otherwise. His character is very dark and lonely and lost.

Gene and Nubsib

They take two next steps this episode. First, they have their first time and second, they tell their parents about the relationship.

First of all, their first time has a weird aftertaste. I believe Gene wanted to do it with Nubsib for some time now but wasn't quite ready and now felt the pressure of "getting it over with" because he thought Nubsib took viagra. It's not like he doesn't love Nubsib or anything, but I feel like he wasn't entirely ready and forced himself a bit. Nubsib, thankfully, felt this vibe too and even asks him about it but there's nothing more he can do than ask and if Gene says he's fine, then Nubsib can only believe him. When Gene discovers Nubsib actually didn't take any viagra, he's a bit shocked. This raises the question in me if he really wanted it. But well, he doesn't exactlu panic about it, so maybe he really was very sure in this moment.

What I definetely didn't see coming was their outing. I thought it would take a while but well, okay, if they are ready, why not? I like the way Gene has changed since he and Nubsib got together. When something is on his mind, he says it. It bothers him their parents don't know about them and he tells Nubsib. They talk about this decision and once Gene is sure, Nubsib just rolls with it reassuring Gene he doesn't have to step out of his comfort zone if he doesn't feel like it.

This dinner was the most awkward dinner I have ever seen and it must've been horrible for Gene and Nubsib to just sit there and listen to the jokes about them being together which already implied it wouldn't be fine if it were true. These jokes last for a few minutes and the mothers talk about the popularity of BLs whilst Gene's father looks very scary. I can literally taste the awkwardness and how uncomfortable they both are.

For these few minutes, when the parents were just joking, I feared Gene wouldn't go through with it because he was usually the kind of guy to back off when such things happened, but not right now.

What if the two of us are really together?

The mood switches from casually joking to extremely serious. This outing and the following make their relationship far more serious and real than before. They don't touch each other like crazy when they are together because it wouldn't've fit with the characters at all. And it's totally right Nubsib only adds an explanation to Gene's question/outing in a verbal way. They still don't touch because they are both overwhelmed by the negative feelings they are faceing. Only when no one says anything, Nubsib takes Gene's hand to comfort both of them and this small touch was all that was needed. They didn't need to hug or even kiss. They also didn't need to make a scene out of it. Them staying in silence hurts even more because it feels so damn realistic. In other BLs, the couple mostly storms off angrily but that's not how you treat your parents. You discuss the matter and talk properly about it or at least give them time to answer no matter what it may be. Here, all of this happens and no one storms off to leave even more awkward silence. It was just as painful as it would be in reality.

BL fans

What makes the dinner even more awkward is the talk between the two mothers about BLs. The way they talk about it makes obvious they like to see it on screen because it's not happening in their real life. They have a distance to it and it's also a huge critic to all those female watchers feteshizing these relationships. They like the kissing and hugging but never reflect on it and ask the question what they would do if they would know someone with any other sexuality than heterosexual. They don't accept it at all when it comes to their sons. What they worshipped is now disgusting and nothing they "can understand". (This sentence "I don't understand it" freaks me out everytime shows pull that because what is there to not understand about love? It just doesn't add up to me what is so not understandable about two people loving and deeply caring about each other.)

Family's reaction

Gene knew his father would not approve because he's a self-hated bisexual and his mother just never raises her voice. In general, the relationship of the parents looks distant. The mother never says anything for her own sake and just exists under the fathers approval. The father loves to have control and now has to learn the hard way gender stereotyping doesn't exist like this any more. Gene can leave the family if he wants to and there's nothing this father can do about it because he doesn't have as much power any more. And also, his sons are not children anymore even though he treats them like they are in order to gain control again.

I want you to go upstairs!

Nubsib lives in a devided and distant family as well. He knew he would not be accepted because like we've seen in the flashbacks and what his dad talked about this episode as well, his parents don't support his choice of being an actor. But he's more worried about Gene because he already went through the phase of not feeling appreciated. Gene didn't. He discovers a new side of his parents and never had such drama with them. After this awful evening, we see the difference between both families nevertheless. Gene's parents cry both on their own but Nubsib's parents sit together on the sofa, symbolizing this unity they always were. They live in a distant world apart from their children. The world of them and Nubsib is disappointed, angry and worried at the same time.

Dad, but Gene and I did nothing wrong.

Cinematography

There are many examples to talk about the beautiful cinematography of Lovely Writer. I will only list the ones which are the most memorable to me.

Like I said above, the bar in the beginning sends out mixed signals of comfort and angst.

In contrast to this, we have Nubsib's bedroom with calm and warm light when he and Gene "take the next step".

The next morning, they brush their teeth in a very bright and white bathroom. Like they reached heaven. It's used to symbolize their happiness and also honesty. Their love is very pure because they mean every word they say and every action they follow.

At the very end, we have both Gene and Nubsib crying in their bedrooms. Gene's bed seems to be huge because he curls up. He is sad and angry but not surprised. He expected things to go down this way. Nubsib in contrast, is filmed through his shelf. This shelf frames him and since it's not a very big one, it makes Nubsib seem extremely small. He is disappointed in his parents, didn't expect things to happen this way and feels like he doesn't belong there. He feels very small on a very big planet.

Conclusion

This episode was overwhelming and the atmosphere switched a lot.

What I realized, especially after the scene between Aoey and Mhok, they all share the same feeling of loneliness. They all feel lonely and seek redemption. Gene and Nubsib found theirs and Aoey pushes his away. They all hate the feeling of loneliness but have gotten so used to it, it made them a bit bitter and feel a certain level of worthlessness. Like redemption would never come. But it did, at least for the main characters, but that doesn't necessarily mean everything is fine now and I like this. Even though they've grown, they are still not untouchable and there's always something that could set them back and make them face a challenge. Mostly, BLs end as soon as they are together and when everything looks like they will last forever. They feel untouchable because "love survives" but here we have a situation which is challenging for both of them and it looks like they are nearly breaking up because of this. Their relationship is not untouchable at all because the outside is also a part of their lives (like it normally is). BLs just tend to forget that but Lovely Writer thankfully doesn't and talks about this which I really like about this new episode.

Anyway, I have to go to bed now...

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

OPEN WOUNDS.

Ezekiel “EZ” Reyes x Reader

Anon asked: how about an imagine in which you an ez fight because of emily

Chapter index

Chapter four (final)

Word count: 2.1k

Thanks to my lovely beta reader @chibsytelford ��

Author comments: I hope you all enjoy. This is the final chapter. Gif credits: @angels-reyes .

Tag list: @starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​ @sassymox @wrcn9fvlcver 💥 (if you wanna be tagged, send me a message!)

When the car stop in the rest area, you get out of it walking towards the trunk to rest you waist there. Lightning a cigar in your lips, crossing both legs, you have a deep breath of the thick smoke. You're off. Totally down. And only when the Mayans are far enough, buying some coffees or refueling, you let go all the pain turned into tears in silence. Last night you feel like you were at home when EZ hugged you, falling again, giving him another chance. Believing that maybe there's a place for you in his life. But it's not. With Emily by Galindo's side, it could be easy. But, now? No. Not now. You're losing again, and she's winning as always.

Shaking the ashes, you have another puff, breathing it till scratching your throat. Spitting the smoke by your lips, you kick the air full of anger. You fought for him. You never gave up. You went every week to the Stockton prison, waiting outside till he decided he wanted to see you. You wrote him letters, sent presents, books... You really cared about him and you were the first person he looked for when he got free. Emily doesn't deserve anything. Anything good. She destroyed his life. She didn't care about his mother, or what happened with his father, nor Angel. You were there, by their sides unconditionally. You earned it.

One finger longer than yours, tangling to your forefinger pushes you back to reality. You can't look at him. You don't have the strength enough to do it. Since you left Charming, you have been in silence, answering him with one or two words when he has asked you about something. Or mostly, shrugging your shoulders. Cleaning your tears with the back of your hand, being careful to not burn yourself with the cigar, you grab the coffee he's offering you. EZ knows that you're hiding something. He knows you read the message. He knows you're not okay, and that you think that everything between you two are done. That Emily goes first. And it's painful for him too, after all he's has shown you. But it makes sense that you can't trust him. 

Ezekiel has a drink of his coffee, before leaving it supported over the trunk, without letting go your finger. He uses that arm to surround your nape and your throat, pushing you closer while he takes off of the pocket his phone. You have another puff, not knowing what he's gonna do, twisting your neck a little to expelled the smoke before placing your gaze on the screen. He types the secret code by heart, the same you know, sliding his thumb over it to open the text app. Then, he shows you. EZ shows you the message that Emily sent to him, and the one you read before him. But when he's sure you read it again, he guides his finger to the right corner to press the menu and delete the text, before blocking the number. No words needed. The Mayan grabs again the cardboard cup, with his gaze on the horizon, resting his body against the car. He also pulls you closer when you throw away the cigar, between his legs to facing each other.

“I showed to Taza this mornen', when you were with Bishop at the workshop. He told me to delete it, simply. And block the number. But I wanted to show you, although... you seen it before, rai'?” You nod biting your inner lip. “I don' care. I'm here. I'll always be here”.

You nod again in silence with your eyes on your fingers, getting tangled in his shirt. You take a deep breath, closing your eyes for a second. EZ knows that no one's gonna take care of him as you did and as you do. He loves you and he's showing it. He's trying hard to make it up to you. He wants to be with you and you're starting to believe it, that maybe you don't have a place in his life, because he's completely yours. And before you can say anything, EZ presses his lips on yours, dearly and peaceful in a soft kiss, taking away your air. Your hands traveling up to his neck, touching his nose with yours when your lips finally move tasting the coffee on his. You enjoy it, as you did last night after all this time separated. But again, he pulls you away some inches, not wanting make you feel uncomfortable.

“I'm not leavin' you. Not again, (Y/N)”. He says, doing the reference to his staying at jail. “There will be no more secrets, no more lies. Nothen' that could hurt you, nor hur—”.

“Kids, let's go!” Creeper's voice interrupt him, but you nod at him anyway before getting up from his body, to walk back to your seat.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

After ten hours of a long travel, between the stops and the traffic jams, you finally arrive to Santo Padre when the sun is going down and you're wishing come back to the ranch so you can have sometimes alone with Taza. The voice of wisdom. He always know what to say to make you feel better, and you also want to know what he thinks about everything happened these two last days. But first, you have to go to the clubhouse. And when you reach it, you suspect that something isn't going okay. The front metallic door is opened. Chucky and Letti are there, but also a white car you can't recognize parked in the alley between the car scrapping and the club. 

Ezekiel parks yours next to the motorbikes, when you two start to hear Taza yelling for no reason. Getting out of the car, you discover what's happening. Emily is there. And so far away that makes you feel sad or down again, your blood starts to boil inside your veins. The younger Reyes stops you by grabbing your left wrist. He's furious, and you can see it in the way he has to frowning. He walks towards the blonde, who is being reprimanded by the Vice and the President, with Angel trying to kick her out of the yard.

“The fuc'you doin' here, Emily?” With a penetrating and rough voice, Ezekiel asks to her.

“You didn' reply”. She says, setting free herself from Angel.

“'Cause I don' give a fuck”.

“EZ, listen”. She begs with tears filling her eyes, trying to reach him.

“Go home, Emily, or wherever you want. But far away from me, my girlfriend and my club”. He sentences with his fingers on the kutt lapels.

“Ezekiel, please. I love you”.

Those words are pretty enough to make you move your feet. Four big steps, and your right fist goes straight her nose.

“Holy shit!” You hear Angel or Coco, or both, cursing. You don't know.

“Who the fuc' taught you to punch like that?” Riz asks while Emily is falling down to the floor, 'cause everything is happening too fast. And you can see sideways Taza smiling proud.

“Calm down, (Y/N)”. Ezekiel tries to stop you, but not even the devil could fight against you right now.

Bishop holds EZ to take him away from you, whilst leaning to the blonde woman to tangle your fingers on her hair dragging her above the floor. She tries to set herself free again, stirring under your grip, with you pulling her strongly right to the front door. She's screaming because of the pain, sobbing and drowning with her owns tears. And you're fucking enjoying it, so do the crew, who are totally freaking out. 

“Next time, I'm gonna break something else than you're fuckin operated nose, bitch”. You growl getting her up grabbed by her clothes to push her out of the clubhouse.

You run the door to close it without more words. Shit, it's feel so fucking good that you're stunned walking back to your car so you can have the cigar packet in it, to light one between your lips.

“Hey, prospect”. You can see how Taza places an arm on EZ's shoulders. “Why don' you bring my kid a beer and some ice to her hand, ah?”

“I'm scared as fuck to say ‘no’, so she could punch me too”. Ez swallows saliva, nodding before going inside the club.

You support your body on the body car by the left side, having a puff that leaves your throat seconds after as an agonic howl. Che takes the cigar, having a smoke, and resting his weight next to yours. Then, he looks at you drawing a smile on the corner of his lips.

“You have to lift up a little more the elbow, when you hit someone”.

“Yea', I know. You told me. But I was tired”. You chuckle, shaking your head for a moment.

“Stay tonig' with him, he earned it, don' you think?”

“Yea', I did it too”.

“Damn, baby girl... You had so much contained in such a little body...” He breaks in laughter, shaking the ash to have another smoke. “You know? Last night Bishop and me had a... talk 'bout you?”

“Yea'?”

“Yes. We talked about the... possibility that when Ezekiel get full patched, maybe you could join Mayans too”.

“How's that?”

“Chibs told us about some women in SOA being members, when Jax was the president. So we could change the statutes, and you could start as prospect”.

“But I don't know how to shoot”.

“Six month to go, (Y/N). I have enough time to teach you”.

“Why you... really do all those things fo' me. I mean, this is not only because you felt sorry for me that night”.

“You said yesterday. We're more into family stuff”. He says kindly touching your temple with his. “I know you can do it, and you're already part of our lives. It's time to level up, don' you think?”

“Yea', maybe...”

You don't know how to feel right now. You're excited, but confused, and happy but scared. It's not the same take care of some animals, that have a gun behind your back ready to being shooted. But even so, you want to do it. Taza brings you back the cigar, when EZ walks towards you, offering the beer and taking your hand to place the ice on your knuckles.

“Get full patched soon, kid. The new prospect is waiting fo'”. Che palms his back, before leaving you alone.

Ezekiel has a raised eyebrow, staring at you waiting for something that could explain the Vice's words. Having a sip of your drink with pursed lips, you shrug softly.

“You heard him, prospect. Don't fuck up Mayans' business and get full patched in six months”.

“You have to be kiddin' me”. He laughs putting your palm on his to stretch your fingers, so the ice can cover more space.

“No, I'm not. Taza and Bishop talked 'bout it last night”.

“So... I have to teach you how to clean properly the bikes?”

“Yes, 'cause I know where you keep the Jose Cuervo and the Coronitas'”.

“And what 'you know about mechanic?”

“I know how to puncture wheels”.

The younger Reyes nods with pursed lips and both eyebrows raised. The loud horn of a car, and some lights flashing outside the yard, claim for your attention. You turn at the front door, with the crew coming out of the clubhouse confused. Tranq is the one who opens it, and you two staring at the black SUV driving inside, without moving a single inch of your bodies. A man with black braids get out of it, opening the back door and letting Miguel Galindo walks outside the car. He doesn't looks good, nor happy, not even angry. He looks more like disappointed. And he walks towards you, but the guys block his steps.

“I just want to talk with the girl”.

“Above my dead body”. Taza spits every word.

“The hell you want?” You ask then, seeing the Mayans turning towards you.

“I want to say that I'm sorry for any inconvenience my wife provoked you”.

“Anything else?”

“I hope this... trouble doesn't suppose a problem between Mayans and the Cartel”.

“Don't worry, your drugs and money are safe. I don't mix bullshit with the club, even if I'm not a member yet, but part of the family”.

“Yes, I'm now sure about that”. He says keeping his hands inside the pockets of his pants.

“But let me tell you something”. You walk between the crew, till you reach him, facing each other. “I don't give a fuck who you are, what you do or who the fuck knows you. Next time your wife comes closer to anyone of my family, the only thing you're gonna find is a collar with her teeth”.

No one says anything. They don't dare to do it.

“And now, get the fuck outta' my club”.

[is0gild]

Ice Cream and Fire Oven Pizza - Bonus Chapter 6

Pairing: Elsa x Lea/Axel || Side Pairing: Riku x OC

Summary: Modern AU. She's an introvert ball of nerves who works at Ice Palace, a mall food court ice cream shop. He's the outgoing, sassy goofball who works at the Pizza Planet across the way. Hilarity, snark, and fluffy romcom hijinks ensue.

Word Count: 9,761

FIRST CHAPTER || PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER

Credit for super friggin’ cute and super friggin’ amazing cover art goes to the super friggin’ talented ky-jane here on tumblr!

Ice chips.

A whole paper cup full of them.

This was my current mission. My purpose. My whole reason for existence in this one very specific moment in time.

For if every wholesome, family-friendly sitcom from the 90s were to be believed, ice chips were like crack to women in labor - they just couldn't get enough of the stuff.

Why? No one knows, least of all me… okay, maybe doctors knew but if they did, not a single one had yet to clear up that little mystery for me.

The why didn't really matter anyway. All that mattered is that Rayne wanted them. And what Rayne wanted, Rayne got.

Especially when she was about to shove a brand new tiny person through her body and out into the world any second now.

...at least, in theory anyway.

I thanked the attendant at the nurse station and turned with the freshly secured cup of ice chips in hand, heading down the hospital wing back in the direction of Rayne's room in the delivery ward. As I hurried along, I anxiously ran my free hand down my frazzled braid, grimacing at all the little wisps coming loose before shifting to smooth my fingers along my rumpled dress that I'd been wearing since yesterday. Turning one last corner, my eyes immediately went to Rayne's door-

-only to be brought up short by the sight of fluffy, squishy, huggable reindeer plushie nearly twice my size already waiting politely outside it.

Well there was something you don't see every day.

It only took me a second to spot the shoes poking out underneath that had to belong to whoever was holding the thing from behind where I couldn't see them. I squinted.

I knew those shoes.

With a tiny, tired smile, I put one foot forward once more and approached the giant stuffed caribou with a lightly teasing, "If you're looking for the North Pole, you're off by about a couple thousand miles, Prancer. Or is it Blitzen?"

"Har, har. You're an absolute riot," came a voice from the other side of the massive doll. Though I couldn't see the eye roll, I could distinctly hear it in his tone.

Shaking my head with a soft snort, I dug my phone out of my pocket to check the time. "...1 p.m. already? Can't believe she's been in labor for nearly twenty-one hours." Twenty-one extremely long, extremely sleepless hours for the mother-to-be, not to mention all her loved ones here to support her. Tucking the phone away once more, I told him, "Thanks again for covering my early shift, I really appreciate it. Hope it wasn't too hectic of a morning over at the Ice Palace."

"Hey, don't mention it," Kristoff poked his blonde head up just over the plushie's shoulder. "If it's a choice between the two of us, it's no contest: Rayne'd much rather have you here with her than me." He paused, eyeing the closed door leading into her hospital room with a tiny frown. "...so, still no baby, huh?"

"Still no baby," I sighed, then tipped my head to one side. "Care to explain the reindeer? I didn't even know we made Svens in this size."

"We don't," he shifted his hold on the thing for a better grip. "We got a small batch to try and sell as a test run last year, but no one was really buying 'em. Still had a couple stowed away in back just gathering dust, so got the okay from Frozone to steal one for welcoming the new little Hewley into the world."

A grin pulled at my lips, "How sweet. I'm sure Rayne will love it." I then quirked an eyebrow at him. "...why were you just standing outside with it anyway? You know you could have just walked on in, right?"

His gaze darted to the door once again, then back to me. "...is the yelling still happening?" he whispered with a nervous little wince.

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes as I deadpanned, "It's the beautiful blessed miracle of life, Kristoff. Rayne's allowed to yell as much as she wants. Now come on, there's already one baby on the way, we don't need you being a big old second one." With that, I reached for the door knob, pushed it open and made my way inside.

And straight into the madhouse that was Rayne's hospital room.

"You did this to me, you bastard! I'm gonna KILL you for this, you smug son of a bitch!"

Ah, and there was Rayne now, shrieking her head off.

To be fair, if you'd been in labor for nearly a full day now, you'd probably be shrieking your head off too.

"Yes, hon."

And that'd be Riku, the absolute picture of patience and composure as he smiled lovingly through the abuse, both verbal and physical as Rayne's death grip just had to be murder on his hand right now. But he was soldiering through it like a champ.

Huffing and puffing, Rayne spat, "Don't you 'yes hon' me with that stupid, sexy, annoying, beautiful, infuriatingly perfect little grin of yours, pal! When I'm through with you, you won't have anything to grin about!"

"Yes, hon," he chuckled softly, gently sweeping a few of her messy bangs out of her face before pressing a light kiss to her sweaty temple.

"Oh-ho, no! None of that!" she snarled, narrowing her eyes at him. "It's stuff like that that started this whole damn mess, jerkface!"

"Yes, hon."

We were all handling being included in this special moment in Rayne's life a bit differently, each doing what we could to keep her happy and distracted from the contractions. As could be seen, Riku was doing his part by being a flawless model husband/punching bag combo. Sora-

"What does every moogle need in the morning?"

Sora was trying to make her laugh.

"A kup-o coffee!"

...and was doing a rather poor job of it.

As Rayne stared blankly up at him, Sora gave a tiny sheepish laugh from where he stood at the foot of her hospital bed as he scratched the back of his head. "That one was a dud, huh? Okay, okay, how about this one? What do moogles use when they go shopping? ...Kupons!"

More crickets from Rayne. This time accompanied with an unamused little eye squint.

Undeterred, Sora smiled brightly and held up his hands, "Wait, wait, I gotta million of these! What did one cactuar say to the other? ...looking sharp! What does a cactuar wear to a business meeting? ...A cac-tie!" Why did the chocobo cross the road? ...he was going for a wark!"

His new rapid fire approach did not seem to be helping matters.

"Alright, no, hang on, I'm gonna get you with this one for sure! You ready? Okay… Knock knock."

Rayne's eye twitched. Patting her hand, Riku obliged his cousin with a sigh, "Who's there?"

Barely able to contain his glee now, Sora replied, "Interrupting chocobo."

"Interrupting ch-"

"BWARK!" Sora crowed in delight.

The expecting mother-to-be looked just about ready to hurl the beeping heart monitor at him.

"Look, Ray, look!" Kairi suddenly chimed in, swiftly coming to her boyfriend's rescue as she shoved her phone in Rayne's face. For her contribution in keeping Rayne's mind off the pain, Kairi had elected to sit in the bed with her to provide cuddles and hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of adorable baby animals. "Aren't these little piggy-wiggies the freaking cutest?"

Frowning at the screen, Rayne said flatly, "...they'd look even cuter in the form of crispy bacon on a bun slathered in barbecue."

Kairi gasped in horror, snatching her phone back to hug protectively to her chest, "Not the piggy-wiggies!"

"Sorry, Kai, but I'm starving and they won't let me eat a damn thing until this little bundle of joy gets the hell out of me," she grumbled back.

She pursed her lips to one side, swiping her thumb across the screen several times now, "Guess I'll skip these pics of baby cows and chicks and- you know what? No farm animals at all, how about that?"

Sora was now sidling up along one side of the bed opposite to Riku, both hands covering his face as he went.

Oh dear.

One could only assume this was leading up to his latest attempt to get a laugh out of her and I was almost dreading how the next couple seconds would unfold.

"No frowning. No sad face. Okay?" he muffled out from between fingers as he blindly inched closer to Rayne. "This birth runs on happy faces, so ya gotta look funny… like me!" He suddenly threw his hands out wide to reveal he was wearing a pair of gag glasses, complete with a comically large plastic nose and mustache. "I-"

Rayne yelped in surprise and socked him in the stomach.

Yup. That'd gone about as well as I'd expected.

And correction… it seemed the role of punching bag would now be played by Sora.

Quite literally.

Eyes growing round as she clasped both hands over her mouth, Rayne said, "Oh god, Sora, you okay? I'm so sorry, but you scared the everliving crap out of me!"

"No, no, it's fine," he wheezed out a chuckle, doubling over and clutching at his gut while Kairi shot him a sympathetic pout as she rubbed his shoulder. "You're bringing a new little life into the world, so you get a free pass!"

Smothering his snickers behind a hand, Riku shook his head at him, "Where did those ridiculous things even come from?"

"These?" Sora held up the gaudy spectacles. "Saw 'em in the hospital gift shop and thought everyone might get a kick outta them."

"Or at least a punch," Kairi teased, sticking her tongue out.

Kristoff and I hadn't been spotted yet. Sensing an opening as the rest of them devolved into light laughter, I was just about to insert myself into the conversation when-

"Beep beep, coming through! Move it or lose it!"

Jolting, I just barely jumped out of the way in time to narrowly avoid getting steamrolled by Anna as she suddenly came charging into the room. Her arms were stacked so high with hospital pillows that she couldn't really see past them, so I suspected she had no clue that she'd just beeped-beeped her own sister.

Yesterday when we'd been racing our way back to Twilight Town, I'd called Anna to make sure she'd heard the news that Rayne had gone into labor. Since we still had had several hours left on the road to go yet before we'd be back and I'd been worried about missing the birth, I'd wanted to make sure that Anna could at least be there in my stead. However I discovered I needn't have even asked, for my sister had already been burning rubber out of Arendelle to get to Twilight Town herself even before I'd called. Thankfully we'd arrived with time to spare - plenty of it, as it was turning out. And bonus, I'd been getting to personally witness Anna's own unique brand of pitching in... that is, by doing anything and everything in her power to make sure Rayne was as comfortable as humanly possible.

Which to Anna apparently meant stealing every last pillow in this medical institution to offer up as tribute to Rayne.

"Ta-da!" she chirped as she dumped the tiny mountain of cushions onto Rayne's bed with a big, delighted grin. "I'm back with a whole friggin' variety this time, so pick your poison! I got soft ones, firm ones, big ones, small ones, some as big as your- you know what? Do you wanna go with all of them? Let's go with all of them! Sound good? Good!" With that, she began gently but eagerly stuffing them one by one behind Rayne's head.

"Anna, sweetie… do you think we're maybe approaching the point of too many pillows here?" Rayne delicately asked, shifting her back slightly against the already substantial collection behind her that Anna had managed to amass in the past several hours.

She wrinkled her nose with a snerk, "What? Nonsense, there's no such thing as too many pillows! And I think you'll be singing a different tune once you get a load of this puppy here," she proudly held up and fluffed a particularly plush looking pillow. "This right here is the Holy Grail of hospital pillows! I earned this bad boy too! Had to throw down with some greedy, wrinkly old fart who was trying to horde all the good bedding for himself!"

"Let me get this straight… you beat up an elderly old man and stole his pillow?" Riku gave her a dull look.

"I didn't beat him up! Just… got in a bit of a tussle, that's all," she brushed off with a tiny shrug. At all the blank stares she received, she huffed, "What, he was crotchety and mean and fought dirty, kept whacking me with his cane! The old coot friggin' deserved it!" She turned her head away with a razz of her tongue before her face lit up once more. "Besides, nothing but the best for the soon-to-be mommy, isn't that right, Ray-Ray?" she cooed as she fondly tucked "the Holy Grail" of hospital pillows (which was the last of her latest haul from all her ransacking and pillaging) behind Rayne. Then she clapped her hands together, "Now! Be right back with more in a jiff!"

Before Anna could dash off again however, Rayne snagged her wrist with a hasty, "No!" As my sister glanced back at her, Rayne winced and lowly hissed her way through what looked to be another contraction before blowing out a relieved puff and exhaustedly chuckling, "The thought's appreciated, sweetpea, really, but try as you might, I just don't think we can quite cram the hospital's entire supply of pillows in this one teeny room."

"But-"

"Ah-ah!" she interrupted her protest, holding up a finger. "Trust me, I'm good. 'Sides, if you keep going at this rate, soon there'll be no room left on the bed for me."

The corners of Anna's lips turned down in a tiny sulk. "I suppose you're right," she hung her head as her hands smoothed over Rayne's bedsheets, flattening any wrinkles. Then she froze mid-gesture, face brightening once again as she looked up with a delighted little intake of breath. "I can get you more blankets! So many blankets! All the blankets!"

"What?! Anna, no, I'm not even-"

But my sister had already blurred out of the room with nothing more than a quick, "Hi, Sis! Bye, Sis!" to me. She didn't even acknowledge Kristoff. Don't think she saw him behind the caribou.

"...cold," Rayne finished with a defeated sigh. Then she seemed to notice me for the first time. More specifically, what I was holding. She immediately perked up, "Ah, there she is! C'mere, oh Great Bringer of Ice! My Ice Babe, my Ice Queen, my Ice Goddess!" She stretched out her arms towards me, making grabby hands. "Gimme!"

Ah, my role in keeping Rayne happy.

Which if it hadn't been obvious already, that greeting should have just made it abundantly clear.

This was actually my first time being present for the birth of somebody's child. And if I was being totally honest here, I had to admit that the experience did make me a bit awkward and anxious. Gussy it up however you like, but the "miracle of childbirth" was some animal kingdom nonsense that I'd normally rather take no part in. It was all just so... er… messy. But this was an important day for Rayne and I wanted to be there for her. Which meant I just had to do what I did for all important things that made me awkward and anxious.

I let it go and did them anyway.

Taking in a breath to quell my jittery nerves, I braved a smile as I approached her bedside and held out the cup which she greedily snatched up. "Got it back here as quick as I could, hopefully it didn't have a chance to melt too much."

Popping a few frozen chips into her mouth, she closed her eyes with a contented hum. "Ahhhh, that's the stuff! You always treat me right, boo! Keep the good shit coming."

"D'aw," I grinned softly, reaching out to lightly pat her cheek, "you make me feel like I'm your drug dealer."

"Don't act like you don't like it," she crunched down on the ice with a cheeky little wink before digging a few more out of the cup to slip between her lips. Then she looked past me and went stock still. She blinked once. Then twice. Then, "...um?"

I glanced back to realize she just now seemed to be noticing the comically large, dopey reindeer in the room. How she hadn't spotted it sooner was beyond me. In any case, I cleared my throat and stage whispered, "Pssst… Kristoff!"

"Right." Taking that as his cue, he started jauntily bouncing forward with the thing, making it do a floppy little jig in the process. Remaining hidden behind the colossal doll the whole time, he adopted a deep, goofy voice to speak for the plushie, "Hello, my name is Sven and I'm gonna be your new lil gal's bestest friend! I'll make sure to give her all the snuggles and huggles and wub she'll ever need!"

For a second, Rayne's expression was unreadable as she just continued to stare at the thing's big, silly face. Then she burst into tears.

Fudge, was this a good crying or a bad crying?

With all the drastic mood swings she'd been experiencing since labor started, it could really go either way at this point.

Everyone began to scramble. Riku was murmuring softly to her as he caressed her cheek, Kairi was frantically trying to pull up what she was claiming to be an absolutely adorable picture of a dog and duck that were besties, and Sora was desperately shooting off lame, punny jokes so fast now that the punchlines were getting all jumbled and mashed together into pure gibberish. However it all turned out to be unnecessary as Rayne suddenly wailed, "Oh my god, I love him!"

Whew, okay, this was a good crying.

False alarm, people, stand down.

"Really?" Kristoff stuck his head up from behind the deer, flashing a lopsided smile.

She nodded her head vigorously, sniffling. "He's perfect for our baby girl! And good news! You've officially just been hired as our full-time nanny!"

He gave a bashful chuckle as he found a corner to deposit Sven in, "Shucks, you don't hafta-" But then he stiffened as her words really sunk in. "Wait, what?"

"Yup! Don't worry, I'll talk to the Ice Palace for you so they'll work your shifts around it. Ah, we're gonna have the happiest kid in the whole wide universe now that she's going to have her own talking, dancing, prancing reindeer to play with every day!" she clapped in glee.

"Every-" Kristoff spluttered and paled. "Now hang on, I never agreed to any of-"

"Da-dun da-dun! Candygram!" a new voice loudly sang out. We all turned to discover Lea now standing in the doorway, grinning like a madman with his arms loaded down with junk food. Way, way too much junk food.

"Good lord, where on earth did all that come from?" was the only greeting he got from me as both eyebrows shot up my forehead.

He shrugged, grin somehow defying all odds to stretch even wider. "Raided the nearest couple o' vending machines and picked the things clean. Hope all you boys and gals are famished cuz tonight we feast like Candyland kings! And you get a chocolate bar!" he tossed one to me, which I fumbled to catch before sensing Rayne's gaze narrowing on me and I hastily hid it behind my back. "And you get a chocolate bar!" This one went to Kristoff. "And you and you and you!" Sora, Kairi, Riku. "Annnnnd…" Lea stopped mid-throw to Rayne, smirking as he retracted his hand. "...not you cuz the Doc said that was a big fat no-no for you, Missy! Guess that just means more for me," he smugly singsonged as he made his way further into the room now.

Nostrils flaring, Rayne growled, "You are such an asshole, Red."

"One," he struck up a finger as he unceremoniously plopped down into a chair against the wall opposite of her, letting all the sweets pile up in his lap, "that's just part o' my roguish charm and you know it. Two, you said a naughty word." He tsked with a shake of his head as he began to peel the wrapper off a Snickers. "Now is that any way for a young lady who any second now is gonna be responsible for molding a young, impressionable mind of our future generation should be talking?"

"Fuck off," she spat out.

"That's more like it!" he laughed, toasting her with the candy bar before heartily taking a bite.

And this, my friends, is how Lea was doing his part to help distract her from the pain.

By being a royal pain in the butt himself.

Fighting fire with fire, as it were.

"Mm-mm-mm!" Lea hummed, putting on a show of enjoying his snack a little too much. "The way that chocolate just melts in your mouth and mingles with all that sweet caramel and peanuty goodness… golly, would I hate to be anyone who's not allowed to eat right now," he slyly broke off another piece between his teeth as he eyed Rayne.

She mutedly worked her jaw for a moment. Then in a dangerously low voice, she said, "Sorry, Elsa, but I'm sending your boyfriend to an early grave."

"Please don't. I'm actually rather fond of the little troublemaker," I snorted as I made my way over to him, quick to smother his mouth with my hand even as he opened it to spout off something else that would surely only tighten the proverbial noose even further around his neck.

I anticipated the little kiss he pressed to the inside of his palm. What I didn't anticipate, however, was him simply taking hold of my wrist and yanking my down into his lap (a rather awkward seat, mind you, considering I was sharing the space with all that candy) where he hugged me tightly, pinning my arms to my sides in the process so I could no longer silence him. Nuzzling his nose to my cheek, he then turned his head to regard Rayne once more as he chirped, "Just consider it incentive! Think about it: the sooner ya squeeze that kiddo out, the sooner ya get to throttle me! Now lessee here, where was I…"

Releasing his hold on me, he retrieved another bar from the heap, tore it open and chomped down. "Mmm… Almond Joy? More like Almond Nirvana! Seriously, this is too good. Raindrop, wanna bite?" he held it out towards her, giving it a little wiggle with an impish gleam to his eyes.

Pretty sure I could see a vein bulging on her forehead for a split second. Then she tried to lunge straight for him and it was only thanks to the combined efforts of Riku, Kairi, and Sora holding her back that she stayed put in her bed.

It seemed Lea was playing his part a little too well.

"Lemme at him, I'm going to murder him!" she snarled as she fought against all the hands restraining her.

"Ah-ah," Lea waggled a finger at her - a finger I hastily grabbed and forced him to lower in a futile attempt to keep him from antagonizing her further. "What did I just tell ya? Baby first, then murder."

Rayne's lips parted, a particularly nasty retort surely on the tip of her tongue, but then she sucked in a sharp breath through her teeth as it appeared another contraction wracked her body and she bellowed out wordlessly instead.

As if her howl was a summons, a new person suddenly came bustling into the room with a chipper yet soothing, "Hello, I am Baymax, your personal healthcare companion."

Mind you, I was using the term "person" in the loosest sense of the word. Baymax here was actually a robot of some kind, though a rather odd one at that - I usually didn't picture robots as big, round, soft and inflatable. Then again, this was the first robot I'd ever met, so what did I know? It seemed it (he?) was some sort of prototype on loan to the hospital, making rounds in the role of a nurse as a sort of a test run to see how viable mass producing more like it (him?) might be.

The future is now, apparently.

"Yes, yes, so you keep saying every. Damn. Time that you come in here," Rayne panted out in reply to the bot, her grip firmly squeezing Riku's hand once more.

"On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?" Baymax asked amiably as he began to lift her blankets to check how far along she was while the rest of us discreetly averted our eyes.

She huffed out a bitter noise that may have been some crude approximation of a laugh. "Trust me, we left ten in the dust hours ago."

"Good news" Baymax announced, still in that mellow yet upbeat tone he seemed to be programmed to never deviate from as he settled her bedsheets back into place. "You are dilated enough now to begin the birthing process. I'll page Dr Finkelstein so we can get started right away."

"Oh thank fucking god!" Rayne cried out.

Baymax turned to address the rest of us, "If everyone besides the father-to-be could please vacate the room and give us privacy, it would be most appreciated. Thank you and have a nice day."

As the rest of us quickly filed out of the room into the hall, I could spot Anna turning a corner down the way, her arms bursting with blankets now as she sprinted at full speed. Her gaze widened slightly when it landed on us and as she skidded to a halt, she asked, "What's going on? What happened?"

"I did it!" Lea chuckled triumphantly as he handed her a Butterfingers, which she bemusedly accepted. "I shit you not, I actually did it! I managed to annoy that baby outta her!"

"Huh. We really would make a cute lil anklebiter, wouldn't we?"

I blinked, taking my eyes off my phone screen to glance down at Lea instead. "...pardon?"

The two of us had laid claim to a row of chairs in the waiting room that were sans armrests and pushed together to form a makeshift bench of sorts. I was currently seated in one on the end with Lea sprawled out across the rest of them, using my lap to pillow his head. Looking up from his own phone, he showed me his screen. "Got curious and put our photos in one o' those 'what'll our baby look like' websites. Just lookit this adorable lil fucker."

I was greeted with the sight of a computer-generated yet still rather life-like picture of a little boy. He had short hair that was platinum blonde like mine, as well as my blue eyes, but favored Lea's more sharp angular facial features, especially in the nose. "He is rather cute," I grinned, one hand pocketing my mobile while the other gently stroked his wild hair. Nibbling on my bottom lip, I hesitated for a heartbeat. Then, "...what brought this up?"

Retracting his arm and turning his phone back towards himself so he could stare at the picture once more, he shrugged. "I dunno… Raindrop and Riku's lil squirt's gonna be here any minute… Mom made that comment 'bout the two of us making a kid…" He paused and shrugged again. "Hard not to get curious what with all that baby fever going round right now, I s'pose."

"You think about that kind of stuff?" I tipped my head to one side, my finger idly singling out one of his crimson spikes to fiddle with in particular. "You want children?"

"Well yeah," he laughed, tucking his phone away as he sat up, now only occupying the seat beside me. Grinning sheepishly as he rubbed at the nape of his neck, he added, "Not anytime soon, of course. But one day somewhere down the road with the right person? Definitely."

The corners of my eyes crinkled. There was absolutely zero doubt in my mind that Lea would make an amazing father some day. His words did sort of beg a certain kind of question however. One that I wasn't really sure I was ready to hear the answer to one way or another. Still, as I lowered my gaze to where my hands were fidgeting together in my lap, my face warmed as I couldn't seem to help but ask, "And do you… see me as the right person?"

Lea reached over, engulfing one of my hands in his and weaving our fingers together, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. I lifted my gaze to meet his and he smiled softly, "Maybe… yeah, I'd really… really like to think you could be." He used his free hand to tentatively sweep some of my bangs behind my ear, his palm lingering against my cheek. "...is that okay, El?" he murmured.

He was worried his answer might freak me out, make me feel pressured. And to be fair, it was the type of thing that probably normally would have. However, it wasn't a cold panic I felt seeping into my chest now, but rather a pleasant tingle, tiny but warm. I leaned into his hand, covering his fingers with my own as one corner of my lips turned up and I gave a small nod, maybe surprising us both a little bit as I whispered back, "Yeah, that's okay."

His grin stretched to the point of threatening to split his face in two. Then he leaned down to kiss me soundly, resting his forehead against mine after he drew back.

Personally, I'd never before really pictured children in my future. Not that I had seen myself not having any, but I hadn't particularly seen myself having them either. It just hadn't really been something I'd thought much about, to be honest. And it didn't help that like I said, the whole process of childbirth made me a bit squeamish. But now… thinking about the prospect of maybe one day having them with Lea…

...sounded like it might be nice.

But that was still years and years and years away, trust me.

Still… it was a pleasant possible future to think about.

A deep yawn suddenly overtook Lea and he gave a massive stretch before slouching further down into his seat, slinging an arm around my shoulders and tugging me into his side. "Yeesh, it's been almost two hours now, what is taking that kid so damn long? I've heard of showing up fashionably late, but baby girl is really pushing it."

His yawn was contagious for I found myself doing the same as I reached for his hand. Absently toying with his fingers, I hummed a tiny laugh, "Maybe she stopped to pick up a latte on her way here."

"Well then, that kiddo better come outta Raindrop with a cardboard to-go tray bearing enough coffee for everyone."

I smiled drowsily, but made no response. Seated across from us, I could see my sister cozied up with Kristoff in another pair of seats, quietly chatting and giggling. As for Sora and Kairi, they were off grabbing a bite in the cafeteria. We'd decided to go in shifts so that there would always be someone in the waiting room in case news came at long last. Lea and I had been the first pair to go, with Kairi and Sora being the last.

As the hospital speakers paged a Dr Sweet to report to surgery, Lea piped up again, "Ya know, a lil caffeine infusion might not be a bad idea. The hospital coffee here is shit, may as well be piss for all the good it does. Once the kid's made her grand debut at long last and we can finally split, I was originally thinking we'd head back to my place to catch some Z's. But how 'bout instead we swing by Lucky Cat for some quality bean juice so we can get a jumpstart on moving your stuff over?"

"Move my stuff?" My brow furrowed and I turned my head to look up at him. "...where's it going?"

Lea blinked owlishly at me. I blinked owlishly right back. "Didn't we…?" he began slowly, then groaned, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "Shit, I haven't actually brought that up to you yet, have I? Maybe I really do need that nap." His hand shifted down to scratch at his cheek now, "But c'mon now, El, think… the kid's almost here."

"Uh-huh," I nodded.

"And she's gonna need a place to sleep," he went on.

"Of course." Obviously. I wasn't exactly sure where he was going with this.

He looked at me pointedly. "...in a nursery."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Right." Still lost here.

His eyelids drooped. "Babe... your room's the nursery."

I just stared back at him blankly, not saying anything at first as my brain took a minute to churn over his words.

A rather long minute.

Give me a break, I'd been awake for close to thirty-four hours straight now.

But finally it clicked.

I gasped, "I need to move out!"

"There it is," he snorted, his hand rubbing my back.

"Crud, in all this flurry of baby chaos, that part completely slipped my mind." I was on my feet in an instant, hands wringing my braid as I began pacing back and forth. "Fudge, I'm entirely unprepared for this! What am I going to do? Where am I going to go?" I stopped momentarily, looking at Lea. He opened his mouth to respond, but I was already furiously pacing once more, muttering, "Well, not entirely unprepared. I of course knew this was coming, already had some of my things packed, been on the hunt for a new apartment, I have, I really have! You know I have!" Again I paused. Again his lips parted. Again, I resumed my patrolling without giving him a chance to speak, "But there's nothing lined up yet! Gah, the baby wasn't supposed to be due for weeks, I was supposed to have more time! But now there is no more time and… and…" I came to a halt once again, face hardening and shoulders squaring as I tapped the side of my fist into my palm with a firm nod. "Time to revisit the whole living in a box idea!"

Did I mention the whole thirty-four hours without sleep thing?

"Woah now, hang on! No one's gonna be living in a box," Lea hopped up with a chuckle, hands going to my shoulders and giving them a squeeze. "Doubt the new happy family would kick ya out just like that and make you homeless, they'd work something out for ya while you looked for a new home." Now his eyes darted to the left as he softly cleared his throat, "There's... another option though that, ya know... I'd like to think is slightly more appealing to all parties involved…"

I cocked my head. "There is?"

"Yeah." He took both my hands in his, holding them to his chest as he beamed, "Move in with me!"

"Move in with…" I echoed slowly, trailing off as I stared up at him.

Processing… processing…

I gasped again, "Oh no! No, we shouldn't- That's isn't- I couldn't possibly do that!"

"Aw, why not?" he pouted.

"Moving in together is a big step, Lea! A huge decision! One we definitely shouldn't be making spur of the moment like this, not to mention when we're both delirious from lack of sleep! There's so much to consider, so much to think about!"

He used the hold he still had on my hands to pull me to him and wrap my arms around his waist, freeing up his own arms to hug me instead. "What's there to think about? You're already practically living with me anyhow, you stay over almost every night as it is. I'd love to have you there, Bruni and Marshmallow would love to have you there… it's three against one, El, you're outvoted."

I drooped my eyelids up at him. "The dog and salamander don't get votes."

"You'll hafta take that up with them once you're all moved in and settled," he pressed a quick peck to my forehead before flashing a cheeky grin. My expression remained unamused and he snerked, "C'mon, is it really such a big deal? We were just talking 'bout having kids. Compared to that, the idea of shacking up together seems like small potatoes!"

"Yes, theoretical kids in a theoretical future. Me moving in with you is very real and very right now. We haven't even been dating for five months yet, that's way too soon to be living together."

Lea shrugged, "And you were with your ex for five years before almost tying the knot with him and we all know how that ended. Who's to say what's too soon and what isn't? All we can do is what feels right, and this feels right… doesn't it?"

...it actually kind of did.

Damn him, it did.

It didn't help that those beautiful green puppy eyes of his were murder on my resolve.

But my stubbornness flared and I hastily looked away. I wasn't ready to relent just yet and I weakly scrambled to maintain my defense, "But… it's just too soon, Lea. It hasn't even been a year yet, we haven't even… celebrated all the big holidays yet!"

Even as I blurted it out, it sounded lame even to me.

But it was the best I could come up with, dammit!

His eyebrows reached for his hairline and he fought a tiny smile. "...so just to be clear here, it's important to you that we observe all the major holidays in a calendar year together before making any further life-changing decisions."

I hitched my chin with a lofty little sniff. "Yes. Yes it is."

This was the hill was I choosing to die on, apparently.

"Duly noted," he glanced towards the ceiling with a tiny shake of his head before settling his gaze on me once more, eyes crinkling. "Fine, let's not call it moving in together then, call it… a temporary solution."

"...temporary?" I turned my head slightly, giving him some dubious side-eye.

"Mm-hm! Face it, babydoll, even though we both know Raindrop and Riku will be more than happy to accommodate ya, it's still gonna be a tight squeeze with all four of you in that tiny ass apartment while you're searching for a place. Wouldn't it just be more convenient for everyone if temporarily," he reiterated for emphasis, "you stayed with me instead just until you've found your new home? You know there's more than enough space for you and your things at my digs."

I tucked in my bottom lip. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation talking, but darn it, he actually seemed to be making a lot of sense. Still, I hesitated. "...I don't know what to say."

His eyes lit up. Great. Now the big dork knew he was winning. Hugging me more tightly to him, he grinned, "That's simple: say yes."

I squinted up to him, pursing my lips to the left. Then to the right. Then, just as I was slowly opening my mouth to speak-

-a throat suddenly cleared nearby.

Like, really nearby.

Both Lea and I tensed before turning our heads to discover none other than Saïx standing not two inches away from us looking quite perturbed.

To be fair, Saïx usually looked perturbed. It just seemed to be his face's default setting. But this was more perturbed than usual.

Lea quirked an eyebrow at him, but grinned, "Hey, big guy! Ya mind? Kinda in the middle of something here."

"And I do so hate to interrupt, truly," he said flatly, his cold unblinking gaze locked on his brother, "but I fear we have a rather pressing matter to discuss that cannot wait."

His eyebrows knit together. "...which would be?"

Saïx's hard stare was unyielding. "Do you think there is quite possibly something you may have forgot back at our mother's house?"

Cocking his head, Lea seemed even more genuinely confused now. Clearly racking his brain for a couple seconds, he then shrugged with a small shake of his head, "Like what?"

"ME, you DOLT!" Saïx snarled, slugging Lea in the shoulder hard enough to force a pained grunt out of him.

I inhaled sharply through my nose, eyes widening.

There was no way we'd actually-

We couldn't have honestly-

We didn't-

...did we really?

I thought back to yesterday, though it was a struggle to remember a clear picture through the fog of grogginess. Had Saïx been in the car with us on the trip back? Had he not? Try as I might, I just simply could not remember one way or another. But I suppose it could be (and in fact was) completely possible, especially considering Lea had had Saïx's car keys and I had had his code to start the engine.

In our state of panic and rush to get out of there, had we really just totally spaced on the fact that we didn't have him with us?

"Oh gosh, Saïx, I'm so sorry we left you behind!" I bemoaned in horror.

Lea laughed, "Relax, El, don'tcha know that with me as your boyfriend, that makes everything my fault? You're off the hook, I'm the only one he's mad at."

"He's right, I don't blame you at all." Although Saïx was talking to me, his irked gaze never left Lea. "You're not the one who forgot your own brother."

No, I just simply forgot a whole person. For a whole car ride. In his own friggin' car.

Elsa, Queen of Memory Lapse.

"Bah, I didn't forget ya, I just… thought you were in the backseat the entire time being really quiet!"

That earned Lea another punch to the arm.

Giving an annoyed huff as he rubbed his knuckles, Saïx asked with a bit less bite to his tone now, "I presume since I find you all still here at the hospital, the child has yet to be born?" At our silent nods, he moved to the nearest set of empty chairs and sat down with a soft huff, crossing his arms.

Huh. Guess he was going to join us for sharing Rayne's and Riku's joy in this blessed event.

I gingerly took a seat next to him, Lea plopping down in the chair on my other side. As his arm wrapped around my shoulders, he piped up with a huge smile, "Got some good news that I think'll clear up that black rain cloud hanging over your head there, Mr Grumps McSourpuss: El's moving in with us!"

My back stiffened and I whipped my head around to narrow my eyes up at him, "I haven't said yes yet."

Saïx was eyeing me oddly from the corner of his peripheral. "...you mean you weren't already living with us?"

"There ya have it! Saïx's official stamp of approval! Now ya gotta say yes," Lea beamed, smoothing his hand up and down my arm.

My eyelids drooped. "...one, in what universe was that even remotely a stamp of approval? And two, no, I don't 'gotta' do anything, least of all say yes."

"But you will," he winked at me, pressing a kiss to my cheek. Then he was looking past me towards Saïx once more, a thoughtful frown twisting his lips. "Hey… since we jacked your wheels, how'd you even get back here?"

Saïx fixed him with a dull stare. Then he shifted his crossed arms more tightly against his chest, closed his eyes and hitched his chin. "...wouldn't you like to know."

Lea snerked. "I would in fact, thus why I asked."

"What's that inanely childish saying you do so love to spout of? ...that's for me to know and you to find out?"

"C'mon, man," he groaned out. "This is gonna bug the crap outta me now until ya tell me."

One corner of his lips cruelly curled up. "I know."

Apparently, Saïx was swift to enact his vengeance when the need arose.

A tiny scowl emerged on my boyfriend's face, but before he could shoot off whatever acerbic retort he undoubtedly already had locked and loaded, I stopped him with a touch to his arm as I said, "Lea." He glanced down at me and I nodded towards the far corner of the waiting room. "Look."

He followed my gaze to a familiar woman with silver hair pulled back into a ponytail made of several tiny braids and the same green eyes as Lea. Aranea apparently was not aware that we had just noticed her, for she was too busy inspecting the selection available over at the hospital's coffee station with her nose wrinkled.

"Ah," Lea breathed, gracing his brother with a mildly sour look. "That's how ya got back. Ya bummed a ride outta our old lady."

Saïx said nothing, just continued to stare stoically straight ahead.

Blowing out a breath that made his lips flap, Lea turned his eyes towards his mother once more. A heartbeat of hesitation. Then making a sound that was half growl, half sigh, Lea muttered. "Be right back. Ma and I have some unfinished business." I smiled softly as he planted a smooch to my temple and I gave his hand a quick squeeze before releasing it as he stood up.

I watched Aranea perk up as she spotted Lea approaching. They exchanged a few words that I was too far away to hear, her grinning the whole time, him ruffling his fingers through his hair as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Then it seemed they decided to find somewhere else to have their talk for they then walked out of the waiting room.

Off to a good start at least, it seemed. Letting go a tiny exhale of relief, I glanced over at the chairs across from us once more to where Anna sat as I considered possibly shifting over to a seat near her. But seeing as she was currently otherwise, er… occupied with, hrm… inspecting Kristoff's tonsils with her tongue, I decided against it.

Ugh, gross, I did not need to see that.

Instead, I turned my attention to Saïx. My lips parted and I took in a breath to say something, but then I hesitated and clamped my mouth shut, staring down at where I was fiddling with my fingers in my lap. Then I cleared my throat, looked over at him once more and tried again, "Would it... really be okay with you if… if I decided to move in?"

His eyes flicked over to me briefly without turning his head. Then releasing a nearly inaudible sigh through his nose, he stared straight forward once again. "I consider you among a small, select handful of people I can tolerate and would even go so far as to say enjoy the company of. If my asinine fool of a brother has against all odds actually managed to persuade you somehow into agreeing to move in with him, then by all means, your presence on a more permanent basis could only be a considerable improvement on our day-to-day lives around the apartment." He paused and for a second it seemed that was all he had to say on the subject. Then then added a bit more quietly, "Besides, you make my brother happy. Far be it from me to stand in the way of that, even if I wanted to."

A small smile tugged at my lips. "...he makes me happy too."

Saïx gave a low hmph at that, closing his eyes. "I would hope so. Otherwise, what would be the point?"

On that note, the conversation ended. As he seemed more than content to remain in a companionable silence, I reached over the seat Lea had vacated and towards the little table on the other side, plucking up one of the outdated magazines provided by the hospital from it and slowly began flipping through its pages.

A short while later, I heard a door opening and I glanced up to see that Lea and Aranea were walking back into the waiting room. Neither one looked like they wanted to murder each other, so I took that as a good sign. In fact, they almost, almost seemed somewhat chummy.

I set the periodical aside and both Saïx and I rose as they approached, which prompted a chuckle from Aranea, "No need to get up, I'm not staying. Just wanted to give my other knucklehead kid one last hug before hitting the road," she embraced Saïx, which he accepted as stony-faced as ever. Then she turned to me with a sly little smirk, "Plus I hear congrats are in order."

My eyes blinked. "...they are?"

"Course! You two lil lovebirds are gonna be living together soon, after all!"

I twitched, then shot Lea a flat look. "I haven't said yes yet."

He grinned, stepping closer to take my hand and bring it up to his lips. "Key word there: yet."

Oh-ho, he thought he was being cute. Even as I opened my mouth to prove just how wrong he was however, Aranea suddenly snagged me into a bone-crushing bear hug as she chirped, "Take care, shortcake!" She gave me one final squeeze before releasing me to rest a hand on my shoulder, "And if either of my boys give you any trouble, you gimme a call, I'll be only too happy to knock some sense into 'em!"

Smiling, I nodded, "Thanks, I'll be sure to do that. Have a safe trip back."

Lea received a hug from her as well and though he returned it stiffly, it was remarkably warmer than the one they'd shared yesterday in the foyer of her home. With that, she made her way towards the exit, waving goodbye to us over her shoulder before disappearing through the door.

"I take it you two are getting along now," I said to Lea as I settled into my chair once again.

He took a seat too, stretching his arm out along the backrest behind my head. As his fingers began to idly toy with my braid, he pursed his lips to one side in thought. Then, "Ya know how you and your folks 'get along' now?" he brought up his other hand to form air quotes. At my nod, he said, "Well, it's kinda like that. We're… gonna work on it."

I reached for his hands, lacing our fingers together as I told him gently, "I'm glad you decided to give her a chance."

"I think I am too," he admitted, albeit somewhat begrudgingly.

Just then, the same door Aranea had left through opened once more, Sora and Kairi being the ones to step through this time, laughing over something they'd been talking about. It seemed their timing was impeccable, for that was also when the double doors on the other side of the room parted and in walked a very familiar white, inflatable robot. All of us immediately zeroed in on him and were on our feet in an flash as he greeted us with, "Hello, I am Baymax, your personal healthc-"

"Yeah, yeah, we know all that already, get to the good part, you giant balloon!" Anna hastily cut him off, rolling her eyes. "Do you actually have anything new to tell us? How's Ray-Ray doing?"

"The delivery was a success," Baymax announced, managing to sound almost pleased somehow despite there being no actual change in the mechanical tone of his voice. "Everyone is happy and healthy. The new family is ready to accept visitors and have welcomed you all back to their room."

There was a mixture of whoops and relieved sighs all around before all of us, Saïx included, followed the robot as he led the way past those doors and towards the maternity ward. Not a minute later found us all crowding back into their hospital room. I spotted Riku first at his wife's bedside, facing her so his back was to us. As for Rayne, she looked absolutely exhausted and like she'd been to hell and back twice, but she positively radiated pure joy and love for the little bundle I could now see her holding in her arms. As she looked up at our entrance, she proudly beamed and said, "Everyone… I'd like you to meet Aria."

"...and Cayde," Riku added, smirking as he turned around to reveal he was cradling a second baby.

"TWO?!" Lea gaped, wide-eyed gaze darting back and forth between them while the rest of us were too stunned to even speak.

"That's right! Two!" Rayne chirped in delight.

Sora was the next one to find his voice, only to blurt out, "Twins?!"

"No, we liked the first one so much, we decided to randomly steal a second one from one of the other cribs when no one was looking," Riku deadpanned before snorting with a shake of his head. "Of course they're twins, doofus."

"But you never said anything about twins," Anna was already adopting a baby voice as she approached Riku, wasting no time making funny faces at Cayde.

Gently rocking little Aria as Rayne watched her fondly, she said, "We didn't know. No one did, not until Cayde shocked us all by showing up hot on the heels of his big sis. Guess the doctors missed him during all those check-ups and sonograms somehow."

"How do they miss a whole other baby inside of you for months?!" Kristoff shook his head in disbelief.

"Who knows, but it's not unheard of. We're not the first couple this has ever happened to." Glancing over to Cayde, Rayne grinned as she reached out a fingertip to tickle the underside of one of his tiny feet. "...he was a surprise, that's for sure, but a happy one."

"I'll say!" Kairi giggled, stepping forward to gently squish Aria's cheeks as she cooed, "This just gives Auntie Kairi and Unkie Sora twice the niblings to wub, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Yes it does!"

"Speaking of which… Kristoff." The man in question stood up straighter as Rayne suddenly locked eyes with him and told him in no uncertain terms, "We're gonna need a second reindeer."

He dragged a hand down the side of his face and sighed. "...I'll talk to Frozone."

Rayne crinkled her nose as she hummed a soft laugh, then her eyes landed on me as I approached her bedside. "Oh, Elsa, there was something I… we," she amended, exchanging a glance and a tiny nod with her husband, "wanted to talk to you about… we'd absolutely love it if you'd be the twins' godmother."

The finger I was waggling at Aria froze as my gaze widened and snapped up to meet hers. "Who, me? Really?" By the look in both the new parents' eyes, they were serious. Dead serious. "Oh! Why, uh… yes. Yes of course! I'd be very honored," I smiled.

"And Sora," Riku chimed in now, causing his cousin to pause mid-sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes at Cayde. "We were hoping you'd be their godfather."

Sora blinded us all with his signature huge, thousand-watt grin. "Absolutely! I'm gonna make the best godfather ever, you'll see! I- wait…" His brow furrowed and he gasped, whipping his head around towards me now with a slight look of panic. "Does… does that make us... god-married?"

"Yes. It does."

And who was it, one might wonder, to deliver that answer in full earnest and with a completely straight face?

Saïx.

That's right. Saïx.

Which is probably why Sora took him at his word and didn't even think to question it. Nostrils flaring and with a steely look of determination now, he informed Lea, "I promise to take good care of her."

Not missing a beat, Lea nodded firmly, "You better, lil man, otherwise I will end you."

I elbowed my boyfriend in the gut, forcing a wheeze out of him. As everyone else sniggered around us, I sighed, "No, Sora, that doesn't make us god-married, it doesn't make us god-anything."

"Oh good! Whew!"

At that point, conversation for the most part subsided in favor of everyone trying to squeeze in to fawn over the new babies. After a minute of this, I decided to take the opportunity to snag Lea (dragging him away from playing with Aria's "widdle toesy-wosies" - his words, not mine) and pull him off to one side of the room away from the others. They hardly even noticed us stepping away, so enamored were they all with the little ones.

I faced him, holding both his hands in mine as I took in a deep breath and released it before uttering a single word. "Yes."

His face immediately lit up, but he quickly schooled his expression and cleared his throat, asking casually, "Yes? Yes what?"

Ugh, he knew very damn well what, he just wanted to hear me say it. Rolling my eyes but unable to fight a small grin, I said, "Yes, I'll move in with you. It just makes sense, after all, now that they have twins, there's even less room for me in their apartment and-"

I didn't get to finish that sentence as he smiled fiercely and grabbed my face, planting a firm kiss to my lips before laughing as he hugged me, picked me up and spun me around.

"Temporarily," I insisted, arms instinctively latching around his neck to steady myself.

"Yeah, yeah, of course, temporarily," he agreed, putting me down while still grinning like an idiot.

I poked his chest a couple times, "I mean it. I'm going to keep looking for my own place and the second I find something, I'm moving right back out."

"Whatever ya say, babydoll!"

Funny thing is though…

...I never did end up actually moving out.

Author's Note: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Hope you all enjoyed the millions of teeny references I sprinkled in - my aesthetic, as I'm sure you're all aware at this point xP (My fave was something Lea said towards the very end, did you guys catch that it was a reference? I hope so :3) Regarding Sora's lil stand-up comedy act, I unfortunately cannot take credit for any of his material - I just googled a bunch of Final Fantasy jokes xD I can't even take credit for the cactuar jokes for even tho I couldn't find any ACTUAL cactuar jokes out there on the internet, I just googled cactus jokes instead xD And yes, there are IN FACT cactus jokes out there, and a LOT of them lawl! And woo, Lea and his mom made up… sort of! xD Sorry that happened off screen, part of it was I thought it wasn't a conversation that Elsa would really be present for, part of it was I didn't want to take focus off the main points of this chapter, and part of it was I was just too lazy to write it at this time xD Maybe I'll go back at a later date and write a Lea POV chapter for this lil chat with his mum, we'll see! But for now, at least we got a lil closure on that front! And aaaaahhhhh, our ice and fire bbies are taking a big step and moving in together, yaaaaaay! :3 I knew that was definitely a relationship milestone I wanted to cover in one of these bonus chapters and this just seemed like a fun way to bring it about xD

The next one-shot is set during Christmas time! Which I know, lil late, should have posted it today xD But I'd kinda locked myself into the baby chapter with the way the last chapter ended and the babies are born in September, so couldn't combine them into one chapter xD So consider next week's update just a bit of a belated Christmas present! And I'll say this about the next bonus chapter: It's gonna be pure crack xD Trust me, there will be no substance whatsoever, it's just mindless silliness and slightly scandalous and mildly salacious (but still 100% family friendly… ish... haha!). Basically, if PG horny hijinx doesn't interest you, you might wanna skip the next chapter xD You've been warned!

Thanks for reading, I super duper appreciate it! And an extra BIG thank you to those of you who’ve liked, reblogged, and followed so far, seeing those lil notifications always brings the biggest, goofiest smile to my face!

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[pilferingapples]

Hello. I got curious and please feel free to link me I if you answered this before. The introduction of les Amis says that the group "had for its object apparently the education of children". So I'm wondering how did that work? I mean, I know it's a screen. But did they actually have to give classes, or were they patrons, or was it just on paper? I just love the idea of les Amis teaching tiny kids and want to know how realistic it is. Thank you in advance.

Interesting question! I would love to have other History Side fans weigh in on this!  I think it’s extremely plausible and flexible enough to do basically whatever you want it to do in a fanfic?  A lot of speculation under the cut:

-- As far as I can tell, it’s as plausible as you want it to be? There was beginning to be a real push for public education, and some early laws were on the books , but enforcement was spotty.  There were a lot  of kids running around outside of schools and no real rule about it being compulsory. This didn’t just hit Feuilly-level kids either--  Alexandre Dumas nearly missed any kind of formal education because his family couldn’t afford it and his mother couldn’t get anyone to support him for a scholarship. And they weren’t Rich, but they definitely weren’t at the bottom of the ladder, either. So the Amis aren’t necessarily just teaching gamin-level students; kids from pretty solidly settled working artisan families may also be there, especially if that gives them more work-friendly learning times or locations. 

Education at the time wasn’t the most formalized and standardized thing-- the class of people who sent their kids to colleges used a variety of schools and tutors as suited them, and only had to make sure their children had the right subjects covered to pass the formal tests for their intended final institutions of learning.  As far as I’ve come across--please take that as a serious disclaimer, the history of primary education hasn’t been my focus!-- there’ll be a big push for more standardization and inclusion juuuuust outside the Amis’ era, in 1833, with the passage of the Guizot laws. And even those seem to have not made primary education compulsory, or even free. As long as they stick to the kind of kids the usual schools aren’t reaching (the Gavroche or Feuilly types) , they’re unlikely to be drawing any official interference (...well, at least not for Teaching Without A License. They may still be regarded with suspicion as a potential insurrectionist front organization, which of course they are). 

All of the Amis have the necessary qualifications for teaching basic skills-reading,writing, history etc-- that would be expected at the time(that is , they possess that knowledge themselves and are evidently quite happy to share it). If they want to give it a go, I haven’t seen anything to indicate that anyone would stop them from teaching a few kids their letters or sums here and there.

Which leaves just the practical considerations: Time, space, lesson plans, materials for lessons,and willing pupils (or at least willing parents and guardians who’ll insist on it) . The Law-Students-And-Artsy-Slackers squad will have much more free time than Feuilly or the med students. As for money, Bahorel’s allowance alone is surely enough to finance some basic slates-and-chalk kind of supplies, and of course all of them would be theoretically pitching in; more than that and there may start being problems with portability.  Is this a regular thing with a set meeting place, or an impromptu kind of “we’ll go where we’re invited” thing? The more permanent and elaborate the situation is, of course, the more work it will take to actually maintain, whereas if it’s just them letting the word get out that “hey, these college kids will show up and teach your kids their letters for free if you need it, just send word around”, then it’s going to be simpler but more erratic. 

In terms of lesson plans, the permanent-vs-spontaneous level will of course shape things; are they usually just giving tutoring to a few kids with a limited number of meetings, or regularly leading whole rooms of children on regular days for a month or more ? 

It’s probably easier to have the Amis (meaning the larger-than-nine group here) are doing the teaching themselves rather than just paying someone else to do it; but it’s also very plausible to have them not teaching at all, but just making materials available.  If they are  paying someone else, it’s probably just as informal a teaching job as if they were the ones doing the teaching, and partly a means of employing people who need the paycheck. So TL DR: it’s very plausible, and you can set it up to suit just about any scenario you’d like! Just think about how much time and what sort of structure for it suits your story, and how that interacts with the time constraints and lifestyles of the characters, and what suits them will suit the setting! I hope you have fun with it; it’s a concept with so much fic potential!:D 

[askjoshuafreeman]

transcript.file//jfreeman_codingb//convo

[Emergency Program Active]

AdminJF: Heya B-)

CodingB: ...? Allen? Where's Joshua?

AdminJF: He's still asleep, just snoozin away.

CodingB: Still a-... Isn't it... late? Why are you up.

AdminJF: Had a nightmare

AdminJF: Couldn't get back to sleep

AdminJF: Figured a lil chatting with ya could do me some good.

CodingB: ... With... me?

CodingB: Wait a moment...

CodingB: Communications are offline... I didn't think that was possible...

AdminJF: Yeaaa, boy like me's fulla tricks B-)

AdminJF: 'sides, don't think chattin with 'em would help out. They're... kinda chaotic.

CodingB: Unlike you, pizza box tearer?

AdminJF: Ey ey, I'm the FUN kinda chaotic! Those guys... eh... I know Josh trusts them. No surprise there. I mean, apart from you, they're the only peeps who MIGHT help him out... I'm still on the fence about them tho.

CodingB: I see.

CodingB: May I ask... what your nightmare was about? I do not know exactly how dreams work, but talking about what ever is making you upset tends to help.

AdminJF: Are you sure? It's... kinda dumb.

CodingB: I am all ears! And eyes! You have my full attention!

AdminJF: Right, well

AdminJF: where tf do I start...

AdminJF: I was... running in this like, industrial... plant of some kind? Like, running from something that I couldn't see? Like, that went on for a while, that I was just running and trying not to trip or crash into anything.

AdminJF: So at some point, I end up at this biiig chain link fence, like, the kind they put up in big facilities, I think. Anyways, I start climbing the thing, only to get pried off and thrown on my ass by, I guess whoever was chasing me??

AdminJF: But like, I look up at the guy, and I still can't really "see" him. Could say they looked like a shadow, but even that doesn't cover it really. That's around where I woke up and just. I dunno. Woke up about an hour ago and I've been too anxious to head back to sleep...

CodingB: ... I can't say I blame you exactly. An event like that, dream or not, would stress anyone, I'm certain. Until you've calmed down sufficiently, I don't think sleep will be possible...

AdminJF: Yeah, well, all the more reason to chat, right?

CodingB: I suppose so. Had you any topics in mind?

AdminJF: Oh Yea yea

AdminJF: ... No. I really don't.

CodingB: Ah. Then... could I ask you something?

AdminJF: Shoot.

CodingB: ... What is it like out there? Past the screen, I mean. Out in the sun. Out in the grass...

AdminJF: Ah shit... I'm really the wrong dude to ask but uh

AdminJF: It's... fine? No no uh... It... gives you something to do. Sun can get pretty hot down here but it's a helluva lot better than being cold in like, the snow and shit. Josh's been complaining that it's getting colder when... it hasn't? Like, I would know, I'm p sensitive to temperature shifts yo, but it's just been as hot as ever.

AdminJF: Uh, back on topic

AdminJF: Grass is... pretty soft, gives off a nice smell after it's cut. Uh... worms live in the dirt grass grows in...

CodingB: Oh, worms?

AdminJF: Yea, not like computer worms, but uh, little... long slimey things. They eat dirt and filter out the bad stuff so the ground stays healthy and all that.

AdminJF: Birds and lizards and fish like to eat them but I wouldn't recommend it.

CodingB:

CodingB: Allen, did you-

AdminJF: No!

AdminJF: Classmate back in primary did tho

AdminJF: Dared himself to cuz there was a bunch out after it rained and then uh

AdminJF: Y'know what, let's talk about something else.

CodingB:

CodingB: Well, um, do you think I'll ever get to see out there?

CodingB: Like, leave the device and go outside?

AdminJF: Knowing Joshua? Without a doubt. He's prob already working on the blueprints.

CodingB: ... Really?

AdminJF: Pfft, of course! You've met the guy! He's too kindhearted for his own good. J will stop at nothing to help others, even at his own detriment. I mean, case in point: He's friends with me.

CodingB: ... What's wrong with being friends with you?

AdminJF: Ha!

AdminJF: Ah...

AdminJF: Look, I... back when we first met, Josh saw this hungry, pale as death, angry and antisocial freak around his age and, instead of avoiding him like everyone else, sat down right next to him and offered half of his lunch.

AdminJF: I've been through 5 different fosters since he and I first met, CB. Five houses that all took me in and gave me the boot before I could even get comfortable. Within that time, the only other friends I've made apart from him are Clera and Tiff, and the only reason Tiff's our friend is because she and Cler started dating months ago.

AdminJF: I mean, hell, just yesterday, I

AdminJF: shit

CodingB: ?

AdminJF: ... Can you... keep a secret, CB?

CodingB: My lips are sealed, Allen. Is everything alright?

AdminJF: ... I... I lied to Josh, about me running off. About how my folks were mad and I needed to get away from the house for a bit.

AdminJF: The truth is that they... They kicked me out.

CodingB: They?? What!?

AdminJF: Yesterday past-noon, few hours after lunch, not-pops plopped my schoolbag on me, told me to shove as much of my shit in it as I could, and just told me to "get lost". Figured he was joking and I just stared at him cuz, like, why the hell would I think he was serious? But, looking at his face...

AdminJF: So then I said "Let me pack my suitcases while you call the agency" cuz that's how it normally went when my Fosters got sick of me, but mfer pulls me up and goes all "We want you out of here NOW" and tells me that I have ten minutes to fill my bag.

AdminJF: ... And he, uh, really did mean 10 minutes. They weren't lying about that part...

CodingB: Oh my god... That's horrible. They do not deserve to call themselves "parents" of any kind! Are you hurt? Are you okay?

AdminJF: I

AdminJF: I don't know why shit like this still shocks me, y'know? I should be used to it all, and I am for the most part but...

AdminJF: I guess a part of me was thinking that... Things were going well! Things were going better than any of the other families I'd been in! I was with them for almost a full year, like, a month away from it even, and sure, I might've been a bit of an ass sometimes, but they...

AdminJF: Tensions were kinda mounting for the past month or so, I guess, but I didn't notice it until this bs happened. Now most of my shit is in a home I'm not welcome in anymore, the agency probably won't be checking in for another month or so, and I have no goddamn idea what I'll do if Mrs. Freeman comes back and tells me I can't stay here. I'm completely shit outta luck.

CodingB: Allen, I'm so sorry...

CodingB: ... I'm sure... Josh and his mother, they won't leave you on your own like that. You said yourself that Josh is very very kind, for better or for worse. It doesn't matter what you might think about yourself, Allen, you do not deserve to be hurt in any way.

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Christ I spilled my guts like hell

AdminJF: Just one of those fucking

AdminJF: "3am! Time to vent!"

CodingB: Allen, please.

AdminJF: Maybe I could try going back to sleep now...

CodingB: Allen, wait!

CodingB: I. Before you go, please, I

CodingB: Maybe... could you keep a secret of mine too?

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Eh, it's only fair, fine. Go right on ahead.

CodingB: Alright! Alright!

CodingB: I... I'm terrified. Of failing Joshua.

CodingB: Of ending up trapped in this computer for who knows how many more years.

CodingB: Of finally getting out, and... and it all being worse than being trapped in here.

CodingB: Heck, I'm terrified at the thought of it being everything I could've ever dreamed of, so much so that I never want to return to the computer. I... I wouldn't be helpful anymore if that happened...

CodingB: Jeez... am I even helpful where I am now? Apart from keeping the firewall up, what good have I really done to help Joshua or his father?

CodingB: I cannot express to Joshua how... how deeply frightened I am at the thought of him never coming back. That thought haunts my every waking hour when he is not here, and I don't know how to get it to stop. It makes me feel as though I'll crash my entire programming and I hate it so much.

AdminJF: Damn... CB, you know, even just keeping a firewall up is a helluva task all on its own, and it's doing a crapton of good, too. Files are still up and the computer isn't a smouldering pile of viruses now is it?

AdminJF: Besides, even without all of that, you've still helped Josh, like, endlessly. You've supported him a bunch and I know for a fact that you've helped him to feel better about this whole ordeal. Like, he chats about you for HOURS the second you come up in a convo, yo. The minute he gets the chance to, I know he's gonna get you out of there, and, knowing your ingenuity, you're gonna find thousands o' ways to help out.

AdminJF: But... I ain't gonna lie and tell you those feelings are gonna go away. Not on their own. Needs time and reassurance. Until all of this is over and done with and even maybe a good few years afterwards, you're probably gonna still have that fear.

CodingB: Ah... I see... I don't suppose it is normal though, is it?

AdminJF: Nah. I know that first-hand... But hey, we've both made it this far despite all the bullshit we've been through, right? World's not gonna get ridda us that easily.

CodingB: ... Even with the terror I feel, am I still brave enough to face the world?

AdminJF: I'd say the world oughta learn to start being afraid of you, cuz there's nothin' braver than continuing to live even when you're scared to death.

CodingB: ... Thank you. Thank you so very much.

AdminJF: Heh, all in a day... night's work...

AdminJF: Think the both of us could use some rest. Quiet our minds fo' a bit.

CodingB: Heh, agreed... See you tomorrow in that case. Er, well, today. At a later hour.

AdminJF: Yeaaa, see ya then, CBot. Sleep well.

CodingB: You too! May your dreams be filled with nothing scary!

[Emergency Program Inactive]

ampd.program deactivated. Returning to error log...

[outlanderskin]

#FordvsFerrari A review without spoilers:

Yesterday I went with hubby to watch "Cait's movie" . Even though I haven't seen so much promo on tv about, I knew I could expect a "full house" because germans are crazy about cars and Le Mans is just here in the neighbor country , that's meaning they grow up hearing about this race.

I confess that the one thing who motivated me to see the movie was to know that Caitriona was in it. As a fan I think it's very important to support her and Sam's works inside or outside Outlander.

I was expecting a movie about racing, but # LeMans66 is more than that.

The race is there in the background, but the film is about people's stories, not just in the context of the race, but how their decisions impact their lives and the life of others.

Caitriona plays Mollie, wife of the lead pilot - the legend Ken Milles - at a time when many women were just "someone's wife or someone's mother." But the side of Mollie showed by Cait is far from a shadow of the husband, she is essentially partner.

If you had or have a "stay at home mom" surely you will remember her, especially if you are someone like me who always hated when someone said "but your mom doesn't work". because I knew without my mother my dad and our house would fall apart. My parents had this kind of partnership (and I think they still have this in heaven)

Caitriona portrays the active, loving, demanding woman who understands cars more than expected.

Her acting is perfect, as always, and the proof that I wasn't being "blind just because I'm a super fan" is my husband (who also watches Outlander) he said he didn't recognize her.

She really had a background studying this character, the accent, mannerisms, facial expressions, all very different from how we're used to seeing in Outlander.

Of course she does not appear in every scene of the film, but where she is, she steals the scene, because Mollie brings humor, humanity and reality amidst a story full of ambition, dreams and tension.

I heard a lot of whispers "who is this actress?" Sign. I think only my husband and me were Outlander people there.

I'm also sure that I was the only there without a driver's license, unaware of car brands and that was never overly excited when the husband arrives with Formula 1 tickets.

It's fair to say I watched Formula 1 just for two reasons : Senna and Alonso.

But after yesterday I saw a side of racing that piqued my interest, the historical side, a time when a driver's skill was a keystone, when it took more hands than technology to put a good car on the track.

After the movie I turned my husband on Wikipedia and found out what everyone obvious already know about (but understand, I am / was completely unaware of the topic):

-The Le Mans race still exists, lasts 24 hours with driver changes.

-The cars are very different from formula 1.

-The winning car, driven by Ken was a Ford GT 40.

Watching a movie next to people who like speed was like seeing children in front of the slot car toy: they didn't even blink! So the fact that Cait aroused their curiosity "simply" because of her acting counts a lot.

A few weeks ago, a "fan" on twitter classified Cait's movie as a "men's" movie (and interestingly received support from one of the brazilian Cait's fanpage). It is necessary to break this taboo that women cannot be interested in this theme. I know many women that, in addition to interest in the subject, drive with passion, participate in championships and are excellent "day by day" drivers. The fact that I knew nothing about the subject is not because I am a woman, but because of a lack of interest, I am not interested in various things that society classifies as "feminine themes" as well. We must break this idea - if not because of us- at least because of the girls and boys who have the right to grow up without just having to like the "traditionally determined things" one.

So...I just want to say: watch FordvsFerrari, even if you're someone like me, who is slow to find the family car in the parking lot of the Mail.

And if you're like my daughter and my husband who "feels the cars," then be prepared because you will not take your eyes off the screen.

And yes, I stayed for the movie credits just to take a picture of her name. 💙

[heartedlystyled]

Abu's friend asked Abu to ask me if i would be comfortable to wear Hindu with a Burka.

I'm not huge on burkas because i get the got breath back and im already always hot anyways.

But his friend, Abu said that he found interesting that Hindu is a combination of my usual need for bling combined with Islam dress.

I said i would look for an appropriate outfit in Hindu wear to see if i would he comfortable in Hindu wear...

Its the land of the free, I can wear what i want...

Then we can across the girl on the left and he said "you already kind of dress that way anyways and your daughter, too!"

And i do... In NYC we had friends that were India Hindu, Americans, US military and we played with their kids... And i remember the grandma always seemed to open the door and she always wore the red dot on her forehead. She would stab it to make it upraised with a little needle and she would re tattoo it like every week or So...

It looked like a felt dot glued securely to her forehead.

And she often wore pink and green with gold sequin trim And she was always sewing.

So somehow as an adult, i began dressing my infant daughter that way as i always wore pants or ankle length dresses/skirts... Younger i would wear above the knee with panty hose... But longer meant more freedom like no pantyhose or having to shave above the mid calf... Just in case...

With my infant i would put a cute dress on her with jeans because she would get cold... Cause she couldn't keep socks on and the jeans would cover her feet...

Then as she got older wanting her comfortable to play like a boy but in a dress had me to put leggings on her...

Then for me cause i got excessively fat, I didn't feel comfortable in a shorter dress or skirt... So i also wear pants.

But I do wear spaghetti straps or strapless... Because i like it. It still covers my books so..

And I can understand going to the movies with Abu and his single friend and his friend asking me to wear a bit more than normal...

Its not against me at all.., its about respecting his friend Abu... Like he isn't all trying to be looking at me because hes just sitting and zoning into space... Or because he is looking at me and talking...

Like to go on double dates or in a group and the girls have to wear a certain way... I don't mind to change it up a little so they feel more comfortable... Im not afraid of being shunned.. Abu will ditch them in the parking lot.

Its about supporting a culture, friendship and family.

So if i wear a zebra print burka with pink highlights... Its not the same as Islam dress.. Yet... I'm still making an effort to appease a religious belief that i don't necessarily agree with...

That said I'm not into a burka... But something similar that's sheerer so i sont get too hot... Something similar to what some Hindu wear for special ceremonies.

Growing up in a melting pot of Earth... In NYC we spent A lot of nights sleeping in the Hindu's living room floor in piles of pillows and blankets and pizza. Chips and dip and soda, veggie plate me and gramma shared and the boys had to eat one of...

And we would watch 1 American movie like Ghost Busters or whatever was new and all the Hindu/India movies we wanted. A

Often times they weren't subtitled or in English. But we would watch and the gramma or the dad (they didn't have a nom either) would explain what was happening... A lot of times the boys would go out with my brothers and i would stay inside with the gramma and watch movies and ask her what they said, why their faces changed

Because the boys would understand the scene and they would make part of the movie themselves, like the TV extended to the living room floor and they would pantomime and act out and joke around about what they would do if they were there in the movie scene.

Usually I just watched... And handed supplies... The back drop wall flower watching the people I loved changing the movie scene they would want to have included in the movie each time we watched it...

I loved it

But i also wanted to know what we didn't see. What we missed by living. I wanted to see what was on the other side of the screen that wasn't paid attention to on those fun nights.

Gramma had difficulty with English and expression and sometimes she got embarrassed if it was a romantic scene... So i would go to the TV and point to the people and tell her what i thought they were doing in each scene.

So essentially while my own mother had been killed in front of me and all i could remember of her existence was blood splashing on the brown living room curtains...

This kind Hindu old lady without a daughter in law of her own that died in childbirth, delivering at home and only had grandsons... Taught me about life, relationships, life events, life expectations and expectancy.

I would skip school a lot to go hang out with her... Just not even go. She would open the door to let the boys out and see me and ask "school?" And i would shake my head no "not today"

Eventually my dad asked me why i hadn't been and told them i had to go to school... I would just sit outside her door all day until she went to laundry after lunch and thn i would follow her around the laundry mat downstairs in our apartment building.

So then she got to,walking us all to school... But she said it took too long,to,return home So she would ride her bike in the afternoon, tie it up to the bike rack and then walk us home... In the morning she would walk us to school and she would ride her bike home.

In the 4th grade my class had a window she would pass by to go to the bike rack and i would stand up and wait to see her go by.

She changed. She became leaner and softer and happier. She would let her hair down when she rode by on her bike. Literally letting it flow down behind her, for like miles... Then she would pin it right back up in a Chinese pin she called it.

She taught me about life. About living. And about surviving when even you yourself have no reason for continuing.

And although I was breaking the rules and she knew... She wouldn't let me in the house as she promised but if i helped her fold the laundry as she directed and helped her to twke them from rhe cart and hand the baskets to her frim the doorway she would tell me "you help me, i help you. Here is food" and she would give me lunch and a drink. And she would sometimes sit in the hallway floor with me and talk to me about the movie we watched AFTER school was let over and the boys were home. As my dad had said i could.

To me she wasn't an old lady with a red dot and Hindu clothing.

She was my very dear friend. Very close to my heart. To me, She had no age. She was as young as me, sometimes even younger but smarter. She told me all kinds of stories about her life in India, her son's life... All her children, her husband.

For me i was always in awe, mouth dropped at her tales, they were so beautiful and made her face change dramatically with her huge smiles or her eyes turning round and filling with tears...

Remember how i wrote she had a red dot that looked like felt glued down?

It was

That's exactly what it was.

But one summer it kept falling off. The summer after 3rd grade. The boys would be loud so she would say let's to go outside in the hall and talk.

And i had already caused a huge thing at school, predicting my friend Rose's death and having PTSD, having my 3rd grade teacher arrested as she was from China and would hit us with rulers and make us kneel in rice and peas (she killed herself in prison, she had a 2 year sentence) and so me hanging out with a Hindu lady... It was another story, another event for my file.

I remember a rather large black man would sit around the corner and listen. But she would say "he is spy, i cannot continue talking. It is not Chinese. It is not bad. I di nit want to go in But i do not feel comfortable. You tell me now about you"

"No way! I hate this shit!" So i confronted him. Over and over. Until finally she giggled and told me "invite him to conversate. Tell him sit in floor, like man But be handsome. But not too sexy no no no. He probably married anyway and I'm too old. But please hurry. I'm i get nervous"

"Oh please! Don't tell me! You're too old! You already have kids! You can't date!" I said veey loudly as i walked to the corner "up get -- HEY GET BACK HERE!!! SHE WANTS YOU TO SIT AND CONVERSATE!! don't be a dummy come on" i caught him nearmy running to,the staircase.

"Do you know how old i am? I'm nearly 40! You can't talk to me like that!"

"I can. I just did. Now please sit. Would you like something to drink? I can get you some kool-aid"

"What's she drinking?"

"Its gin"

"I would like some, too"

"What's gin?"

"Just go"

Finally i found what i knew gin was and i handed him a deck of cards.

I learned her tricks... When she's annoyed or uncomfortable or suspicious, she flirts. She acts like he's all over her and she's all flat drunk out... Y'all have seen me do them. The unlucky fall for them.

But he didn't and she was drinking water.

And he told her my story. The stories i hid. The stories i wish never happened. The stories i forbid to be spoken around me.

And i tuned my back to,them so they could not see me,cry or push my migraines away. And it continued for days. And she ran out of tissues and i had to use toilet paper for my nose.

Then her red dot, the eye of the God ran began to fall off her face, everyday. She got new glue. Stronger glue. And it will still fall.

So shr asked him "what is this? Why this fall?"

He said "if you ask me, She loves you and now you know you know what love is and you don't need that to protect you anymore"

"It is not to protect but to see"

"To look for love that i know about you Hindu. That is all you speak To her about. Its love. That i do know and now you know her pain and how much she needs you. You understand --- is that all you do us cry?"

"She speaks"

"You know what i want you to do is get that tattooed but in blue. Next time I come to see you, I'll bring a book i have been studying and i will show you, its perfectly acceptable to get a tattoo of it on your face,but an any color. Because you know why you identify eith her -- i mean why you are both friends with each other, is because you are both sad"

"She sad. I'm sad. So now I'm friends? With her, a small child? I am odd duck"

"Now now don't you smile, Sabrina don't you laugh at the old lady!"

"Shes funny! She's not ducking she's brave! And she's small not odd and she's sweet and even,you like her! You tell her to,get tattoo! You're strange if at all!" I blurted out... The first time I talked in weeks, it felt... In reality only about 5 days.

And so long conversations short... She used a blue pen to draw a star... As he said she was my star, my human North star, to help me find the light in life and she had came to me when my life was most darkest And i was extremely suicidal and had been caught trying to drown myself like umpteen times... Cause i wanted to die outside because it felt better than dying inside all stuffy and around people like Denise. And i wanted to drown in the river but someone always saw me. 8 years old and all... I had my desires in how to die. I wasn't stupid or mindless.

He said she had been given red as her felt dot, from a priest, because she had felt love. Still knew love, still wanted love and Still believed in it and Still looked for it.

But he said that sometimes the dot could change. It could change shapes, sizes and colors. And he said if her brain leaked out, it didn't leak love, it leaked sadness. So thus her permanent eye of ra should be blue. A light color blue not too dark because she allowed light and happiness to shine thru the tears of her world.

And that was what she had taught me... Once I learned the videos then I would interact with the TV... And the boys would watch and then we would all play along with what was on the either side of the screen and i taught them what i had learned from Granny Hindu.

She would watch us and cry. The dad would watch in shock and awe as his sons were finally being taught their native tounge and important parts of the movie and ceremonies. Sometimes he would cry.

Eventually he began wearing his Hindu traditional wear and they would get up and dance the traditional Hindu dance and teach us while we the the pillows and blankets up on the couch. And we would laugh

Of course my back would hurt easily and the boys, because of the dad, all eventually would pick me up and dance with me like i was a doll, then supporting my small amount of bony weight with their arms.

And the dad would do the granny..,her feet dangling at his knees would make me,laugh so heartily!!

The boys wouldn't pick me up so high... Mostly I would lean on their shoulders or elbows...

And so granny settled on blood sweat and tears as she realized it wasn't happiness she knew best but sadness.

And she got a light blue tear in the middle of her forehead, tattooed. And she would wear a jewel over it, shaped like a tear, as beautiful as ever. But sometimes she wore a larger than in the past, red felt circle over it... "I looked for love and i found it and it hid all my tears"

So of course I would dress myself and child subconsciously in Hindu like garb. And of course I would wear it when out with people of Islamic culture.

The tattoo shop which had done her light blue tear, eye of Earth had also shown hwr how to hand poke tattoos as is conventional in her home country of India. Although she had her ra in a professional tattoo gun.

The government spy man had arranged it for her. He also came to our weekend slumber parties, some times falling asleep after a long hard work day on the couch like a child and we would give him a blanket we ha from out massive pile and cover him. I would say "heres you a blankey" and usually he would take the corner with his massive black hand or sometimes just sigh, inhale nd exhale deeply. Usually me and the boys took turns to cover him.

Little children covering an over 6 foot tall almost 40 year old man.... Ages from 5 to 10...

Because that is what love is.

Sometimes he would start breakfast... After the first dozen times escaping in the night after catching up with his zzz's and we told,him if he was gonna,crash the slumber party with his big body probably breaking the couch with all his long bones and muscles then he needed to crash all the way and watch Saturday morning cartoons. Cause that was the best and breakfast in bed... Or the pile of blankets an sheets nd pillows like a nest for baby birds as we called it. That was the best part. After waking up woth friends we loved and understood when we felt most misunderstood in the world. Them being Hindu with a gramma with a red dot the tattoo in the middle of her forehead totally misunderstood was she a witch? Crazy? How old was she? 40? 100? And then us, watching our mother murdered, barely being able to remember her or just being able to,watch the blood spray md wonder and,cry where was our lovely mother? And the puking. The days and night of puking and puking from fear, disgust, worry and sadness. And still death seemed to follow us everywhere no matter how we predicted it or didn't or wanted it or didn't. Cared or didn't. Prayed or didn't. It was just there. Always there.

And so he would stay... Did we find him in granny bed above the covers cuddling fully clothed once or twice? Yea. And we decided it was better than Saturday morning cartoons and so we all silently munched cereal and watched them, sitting in her bedroom floor doorway... Until we feared they were dead and then I would whisper hey and he would jump awake from laying on her shoulder or sometimes boob/rib or gramma Hindu would slowly open her eyes and be in her little dreamlike state and the first few times was innocent "hey there's a man in your bed. That isn't s pillow laying on you" we would whisper

But there was that one time... That one time that she fully seduced him like the prowling cougar she is and it was a whole different Saturday morning when she clutched the blanket to,her chest and said "YOU KIDS GET OUT!!"

And I not understanding cried at her "Why are you acting Chinese!?!?! I'm not getting out until you explain!!!"

So i had to be explained that he was in his boxers and had been under the covers and they didn't want all the kids to see their privacy

And i said "Fine! I'll get out! But that's gross!!!"

Because at 8 thats what i believed.

"And you should have made breakfast or i wouldn't had known!!" And i spun on my heel and threw my hair in his face.

And Alex asked me "what's going on? I mean with them?"

"I can't talk about it" heavy slumped shoulders, neck aching "let's just watch TV that's better" he bugged on and on until i covered my head to avoid him and fall back asleep

But when i woke he asked again and i told him "they had sex"

And he called me a liar and herded all the boys to go ask.

And then they called me back to,the room so we could get an explanation

And I said "i don't want to hear all this shit. I know the birds and the bees. In and out it goes"

But he tried to talk to us about love...

But Alex threw up..

Because our mother's murderer whom used a chainsaw to her neck while we were all assembled to watch... Then said that exact same thing and had added "want to watch" as he raped our mom's nearly decapitated body.

He was right. Sadness would always exist because of love.

Well us kids didn't care about two consenting adults with their heads fully attached.. Unfortunately her son did and he was really an ass hole. Only caring about himself and his feelings, then put in for a transfer to move across country to get his 60 year old cougar momma away from a early 40 year old kitten...

Destroying his son's lives in the process... And ours... And even his own happiness

Instead of allowing his mother freedom to love.

But before all this the young thug kitten only looking for one thing So said the father, an alley cat, he was allowed gramma Hindu to hand poke a tattoo on his right toe. An S. With an astrick just tucked inside the bottom tail.

"Samaria"

That was Grandma Hindus name.

She gave herself the one i drew above... An S for Sabrina for helping her find Samaria again And of course the S for herself as well.. And two stars... One for the one we could see in her in the bottom and the other to honor the stars she could see... And she told me one for me and one for her for our friendship. And the F next to Because they were so most important to her... The F did get bigger over time and eventually became the same,size as the S as her family evolved and changed...

I suppose the story is true. She handpoked white in the "standing leg" of the F to represent the Father, her son of the family in anger because of the move.

She could have stabbed him to death. I would not had blamed her.

[fisherfurbearer]

I would absolutely live to hear about Future Plans and heritage fruits! My partners and I are looking at buying a house by the end of the year and I'm so excited at the prospect of a back yard to fill with food plants and gardening and everything! So I'd love to know more about someone else's plans!!

mmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM YOU OPENED THE CAN OF WORMS THE WORMS ARE OPEN THEY ARE EVERYWHERE NOW!!!! OHHHHHHH JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING CAN STOP THIS!!!!

MMMMMM. I LOVE. DOMESTIC CROPS AND ANIMALS. SO MUCH.

SPECIFICALLY “heritage” varieties. The pre-industrial/commercial varieties that people lived on for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, or even the stuff younger than that, it’s just...so!! Good!!!

You didn’t QUITE ask for this but this is where I’m going with it. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. The HISTORY of our domesticated crops (specifically fruits and vegetables, but mostly Tree Fruits!!!! But I’m also suuuuper partial to heirloom sweet potatoes/normal potatoes even though I don’t like the taste of sweet potatoes, they’re just SO FRICKING COOL and I want to learn more about other vegetables too) and animals is just....HOOOOO!!!!

Locally adapted,, perfect little....NUGGETS that just...perfectly fit their own SPECIFIC LITTLE NICHES...no matter WHERE you live, no matter HOW much space you have, no matter HOW good or bad your soil, NO MATTER WHAT, there is ALWAYS something to grow or raise, and we can thank so, so much of that to the incredible variety of heritage crops/animals (and methods of agriculture) out there. Mild, cold, hot! Lots of space, little space, no space!! Fertile, barren!! Every condition in every color and shape and flavor and size and ahhhhhhh!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

Hold onto your butts because this is one Hell of a Mega Ramble okay, there is so much to talk about here, oh man.

Some background, which you can skip if you want...!!! It’s a LOT and it get’s VERY NEGATIVE but also VERY GOOD AND HOPEFUL, it’s a real big story and it’s My Story and gives a lot of insight into Why I’m Like This but it’s okay to skip for sure!! Anyway:

I’ve been researching (i.e. writing literally 1.5-2k+ words nearly every single day) for literally 7 years now about all of my various Passions and Plans in life. Obviously breaks were taken due to Sad Times but no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I’d always come back to my dumb awful stupid notes. I have notes on my current laptop, my old harddrive, my SO’s laptop, my stepdad’s laptop, my SO’s OLD gaming laptop, my old netbook, my OLD OLD netbook, every phone I’ve had in the past 7 years (which has been like uhh...five? I have bad luck with phones..) and COUNTLESS pieces of paper and cheap composition books.

To call it research, it seems to silly. Writing these words here, to you strangers on the internet, I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how VITAL these notes are to my VERY EXISTANCE.

I have been researching and writing and talking to folks and asking questions and LIVING AND BREATHING this stuff for LITERALLY, LITERALLY HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS if not ALMOST A THOUSAND OR MORE HOURS at this point!!!! If we were to actually SOMEHOW backtrack all the way to late 8th grade/freshman year when I first started dipping my toes into reptiles and fell in love with my first jumping spider that landed on my arm after I read Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak, after being so fascinated by the intelligent giant magic tarantula in the first book, and gathered ALL of my notes from then to NOW (I’m 21 now, if I was in college, I’d be graduating next May) it would EASILY surpass that. For YEARS in high school my family thought I was always playing games on my laptop, but really from the moment I got home to the moment I went to bed, I was watching lets plays with one side of the screen and reading, reading, reading, and writing, writing, writing with the other. For HOURS. Every. Single. Day.

Hell, this has been my most recent “Renaissance” of writing, after The Big Realization of earlier this year (I’ll get to that), and this is AFTER I went on a horrible depressed/manic rampage and deleted like 80% of my notes (that would have been from...hmm. This is what I didn’t delete, what Jessie recovered, and what I’ve added...so March to Early September, when Jessie switched my notes to a new program (I lost a lot of notes from lack of autosaving so now they’re on our nextcloud so I can’t lose them...but I’m too stubborn to use it still) and this is still like. A lot.

Keep in mind the average 10-11 kb file is 1500-1700 words for me. My biggest files (only of the ones I still have, on this laptop) are 40-60 kb. (Also these are Big Secrets that I don’t ever show anyone but Jessie, who I’ve been with now for almost 7 years, so this is pretty dang important to me and a big thing to be revealing.)

Current folder I’m usually saving to:

Nextcloud I don’t bother to use usually but probably should use:

Again, this is ONLY on my newest laptop, and this DOESN’T include the files I deleted a few months ago, nor the files I lost from February-early April after Jessie updated my computer and wiped my files, and I still have a BUTTLOAD left on my old harddrive from last year, but we never moved it up and I don’t feel a need to. (I’ve learned so much. So. Much. In the past year. I think I’ve matured a lot and really become more...Me. But I’ll get to that.)

Also doesn’t include the SEVERAL notebooks I’ve filled front to back this year (cheap $0.50 ones from work...I’ve blown through a couple biggish ones and I think 2-3 little quarter-size memo books) and all the receipt papers I have crammed into my work uniform...

But anyway why is this important? It really helps iron in just how HUGE this is to me. My future “Plans” aren’t just...it’s really important to me. Okay? I am but a humble stranger on the internet and my life and everyone elses’ respective lives are infinitely more complex than we can ever dare imagine one anothers’ existences to be, but just trust me when I say that I’m not pulling this from nowhere, this shit isn’t some sort of “fad” to me, this has been a long, long series of events and realizations and heartbreaks and so, so much pain that have finally led to everything kinda falling into place sometime this year where it hit me.

You see...all of my research topics followed a pattern. It went, in my rough memory, something like this.

It started with reptiles. Lots of reptiles. So many reptiles. I was so naive and young then and my sources sucked and I was very much a novice who dreamed of owning all sorts of cool reptiles when I got older, and of getting a gecko when I went to college. That was how it started and it went downhill from there. I branched off into gardening (I wanted and still want a blue tongue skink and had thoughts about how I’d grow a garden for vegetables and squashes and stuff for the skink and feeder insects) and THAT grew into this whole THING about raised bed gardening, square foot gardening, then into permaculture, which planted the seed for many things to come...and now I’ve ALWAYS LOVED BIRDS,, but when I learned that keeping CHICKENS was a thing (thank you Jennifer (Nambroth)!!!!!!!!!! Our emails back and forth are still saved forever, our talks about chickens changed my life and way of thinking Forever!!!) and I researched that, then I’d jump back to reptiles again, and back to chickens, then more reptiles, then chickens and QUAIL, or OTHER poultry,, and so on and so on. This beautiful fluid branching path that would always rebound on itself and I’d drop some topics, gain new ones, revisit old ones, learn what I liked, what I didn’t like, what were brief interests, and what were there to stay.

Some topics (chickens, new caledonian geckos, antaresia pythons, tarantulas, gardening...) would always come back. No matter what I did...they came back. As I grew as a person, I started to figure out what was important to me (CONSERVATION, animal welfare, reptile/invertebrate enrichment, vivarium design, combining art with animals, and did I mention CONSERVATION? and combating climate change/The World but that came later.) and while some of those points didn’t show up in my research until later...like my obsession with native wildlife/plants and domestic species...it never went away.

And as I grew older, outside of my research life went on, and I really went through A Lot in these seven years. Undiagnosed anxiety/depression all through high school, practically living in the guidance office junior/senior year, dealing with an emotionally abusive and animal abuser teacher for many years, living with my emotionally abusive/narcissistic mother, and eventually going to an amazing art college and having both the best and worst time of my life (Hahah!! Almost straight As and skipped a writing class with my amazing scores and was top of my class, Dean’s list first semester, in the Visionary Women’s Honors society, worked in the admissions office and did lots of cool things, but hahaha also really wanted to die and was Destroying Myself) and trying to get help while keeping it a secret from my mom...lo and behold of course she eventually found out about the Depression when I had to go inpatient near the end of my second semester, and she. HA, I can’t even cry about this anymore. She literally disowned me (took all my money, sold my car, cut me off of health insurance, made me pay my own hospital bills, refused to do my FAFSA for college anymore, dropped all support, and later when I had to come home because I relapsed again and the college made me go on a medical leave of absense, she threatened to kick me out and call the police [hilariously enough though the house was owned by my stepdad, not her, so she couldn’t do anything. Also I never did anything to her and she was just crazy and made up excuses. But yeah not fun trying to walk to work and being threatened over the phone that she was going to have me dragged out of work by the cops and not to come home, hahaha!!!!!! But then also when I did live with my neighbor for a few days she was apparently so distraught?? Haha what a weird person!!!! I haven’t seen her for three years now and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t mourn for me, it’s SO Much better now. Speaking of, she was a PETA-hugging ARA nutjob and if she knew what I was planning on doing she would’ve disowned me either way!!!!!!), and of course fighting to be able to move out and rent an apartment with my SO (I hate the word boyfriend. It’s been 7 years come January 11th, and we’ve been through so fucking much. And she [my mom...] and other people always made fun of him being my BOYFRIEND that that word is tainted for me...so Significant Other it is) and then being forced to live alone there for a couple months,, and then even after that, the fights with his family, the car accident in November, my mom ruining all chances of me going to college (keep in mind I had after leaving college, spent the next TWO AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE trying to make it so I COULD go back, spent all of my time, energy, hope, eVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING trying to do so,,, and she manipulated me and then lied to me and made it so I couldn’t), my rebounding depression, my Intensifying Aggression (terrifying. Developed when I was in college...I guess it’s some kind of rapid bipolar disorder, maybe triggered by me going on antidepressants in college, they said. But it was so long ago and they never knew the full story for a proper diagnosis anyway. But it’s gotten manageable and We’re Coping), the housefire on Christmas, moving Once Again to the new place and being told I can’t bring my 15 year old cat (he’s with my stepdad still now but it’s not okay.), the rats have to be in the basement, and oh yeah if you want to attend college again loans will be nearly 13% interest hahaha!!! and then finally just straight up breaking down in February and not leaving bed for DAYS and nearly committing suicide, just the real worst time ever, and my former therapist/psychiatrist place weren’t responding (turns out they discharged me!! haha kinda hard to make appointments WHEN YOU DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE and we DIDN’T GET THE NOTICE IN THE MAIL because our HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED and my mail was being sent to my STEPDADS an hour away!!!!!!!! Also really hard to talk to you when you BLOCK OUR FUCKING NUMBER and HANG UP ever time we fucking call haha!!!!!! Literally on the verge of suicide and not on my anxiety meds for MONTHS but hey sure that works too guys!!!!) which really didn’t help, and yeah it was really just the pits! Just the absolute pits, the Very Worst.

Now at this point I don’t remember exactly when/what changed, but SOMETHING did.

Leading up to February, I wanna say it was about October that I started getting kinda weirdly depressed, and I started REALLY tanking after the fire. After the fire, I had to move back to my stepdads within the night, and had to live without Jessie again and commute really far and keep the tarantulas a secret and in general be very alone and very sad. I started wearing down and it was getting so hard to just...enjoy. Anything. Even just taking care of the pets became difficult, and doing art or researching was impossible. I just...didn’t care anymore. I stopped caring.

On top of that, my climate grief and general feelings of Despair were at an all time high, and I just didn’t. Fucking. CARE. What happened next.

I spent YEARS of my life WEARING MYSELF TO THE BONE trying to get into college, the get back into college, to just try to do this thing that I was supposed to do, my ONE hope of having a career and a future that I probably wouldn’t even be happy with (I was an illustration major. I liked drawing. It’s what I was best at. But looking back, I wouldn’t have been happy doing it for a living. And Moore [no that’s not what my blog is named for, it just also happens to be my last name] was a great college but it just...wasn’t worth $30k a year with no cosigner for loans, even AFTER my scholarships) and my body and mind were wearing down and no matter what I did I didn’t care about myself, my animals, my partner, my life, nothing. I can’t explain how terrifying that is. Of all the time in my life, I think this was the worst. On top of my life problems, it must be said again that my climate grief and Misery regarding the state of our country and the world was also at an all-time-high, and I just felt...POWERLESS. Powerless and empty and uncaring and dead inside. I really wanted to just...drive off a bridge or eat a ton of pills (which I did do a couple times, don’t do that. Please. It’s NOT worth it.) and just stop Existing.

But then something just...changed.

I don’t know what it was, exactly. But I got SOMETHING back. SOMETHING “clicked”.

I’m crying a bit now. It’s so stupid to say, but I truly believe this is what saved my life. Realizing my purpose in life. That everything fell into place and finally made sense.

I’m going to be a bit more concise here but...basically...many of my passions and smaller aspects of myself all fell into place, so PERFECTLY.

It hit me that...ah jeez.

I will digress one more second. For those of you who don’t know, I have two Eurydactylodes geckos, named Vladimir (E. vieiliardi) and Estragon (E. agricolae). They are named for my favorite drama that we read in AP English, Waiting for Godot. It’s an aburdist theater play about two men who wait under a tree for someone (we don’t know who, just that his name is Godot) and that’s about it. Everyone had a lot of different things to say about that weird little book, but my take on it was that it’s supposed to be what happens to two men when they lack a “purpose” in life. Existentialism, and all that. They sit there and sit there and completely lose themselves just WAITING for this guy that they don’t even remember, they don’t even know why they’re there, and they do nothing to try and change that. The difference between existentialism and absurdism, however, is that absurdism specifically discusses this idea of a Chaotic Universe, this Lack of Meaning, this pointless quest of humanity to seek value and meaning in a universe without reason. It’s a fruitless effort, it’s Absurd! But the beauty of absurdism, this tiny idea that stayed with me in the goofy names of my geckos (I chose the names because I thought the play was amusing and I loved the characters’ relationship, which is Quite Gay and so Loving and Charming it warms my heart, and I loved that they called each other “Didi” and “Gogo”) and really held true to my own life. I DO NOT believe that THIS is why this change happened for me, but it’s ironic, no?

Back to Absurdism, Absurdism says... “here is this meaningless, Chaotic, RIDICULOUS universe. There is NO reason for ANYTHING, there NEVER will be, you DO NOT MATTER, you DO NOT HAVE A PLACE HERE. There is NO POINT to anything. So fuck it, and try to find one anyway.”

My original therapist did not understand why I found this so wonderful and inspiring. It’s so rebellious and selfish, I LOVE IT. To embrace the Absurd is to take the bull by the horns and flip it upside down! It’s to stare all of this dreadful pointlessness in the Void, and when it says “Why bother? Why care about these insignificant invertebrates? These ridiculous reptiles? These ABSURD apples???” and flip the bird both hands and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO, BECAUSE I SAID SO, BECAUSE I AM HUMAN, AND I CAN!!!” It’s...also more than that, it’s this long, defiant lifelong journey, this stupid, ridiculous journey of fumbling about trying to find one’s place in a cruel, vast world, and finding oneself in that journey.

I love people. I love the ABSURDITY of humanity, of people, of myself, of others. A Huge part of my Future Plans has to do with People, and Community, and Changing my little patch of the world. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but I know it can make a difference to someone and myself and that’s what matters.

Anyway back to the Clickening.

Around that time I had a moment like that. It was as if something in my mind was screaming at me, listen. You are here, and you have always been here to love animals, to love life, to make art, to tell stories with your art, to raise little sheeps.

And like that, it started Something.

I agreed to go to a local doctor, and was put on antidepressants. I’ve been on them since late February. I also got accommodations for work, so I have two excused absenses due to mental illness each month, which was good, because they tried to fire me 4 times now and they haven’t succeeded yet. (I’m DAMN GOOD at what I do, I’m just Sad and Unlucky and Dumb, but I’m doing a lot better now!!) I started taking all of the things I learned in the past many years and what I’ve learned about myself as a person (I won’t talk about it here but I’ve always struggled with my Identity [not gender wise, just...with my mental health and my mood disorder, it’s really hard to know What is ME and What’s The Illness) and it all started falling into place. My needle felting, my love for animals, conserving native wildlife AND heritage breeds with restoration grazing and positive impact forestry, utilizing my Overwhelming Charisma (in person I swear I’m quite a good talker! Way better than my typing here!) for education, outreach, and farmers market sales, my love for life and my fellow human beings and my plans to work hard to help feed my local communities and encourage sustainable agriculture and the dismantlemant of capitalism Love of our native wilds and backyards alike (I also have Big Thoughts about getting native peoples input as well, but I need to research that more and actually talk to people, but that would be in future years!!), and so, so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That started in late February/early March now, and since then I’ve still had Really bad times, but I’d say in the past mmmmm...probably since late July? I think yeah since about then things have really taken great turns. I’ve Matured a lot, really embraced who I am and what I want to do, and while I KNOW my plans are going to keep changing over time (tentative goal is to look for/buy our property in 2025!! That gives us 5 years post-graduation to settle down and see how things go, where Jessie will be working, where we’ll be living, how my mind changes, all of that!!) but I KNOW in my BONES in my SOUL that this is what I have always been meant to do. To raise things, grow things, and to Care.

ANYWAY WOW HAHAHA YOU SURE DIDN’T ASK FOR ALL THAT BUT THERE YA GO THERE’S THE BACKSTORY, THE FIRST HALF OF THE WORMS!!!!!!

TL;DR: I’m a sad sap who is now slightly less sad and has Big Plans that were 7 years+ in the making and I want to take all my Big Thoughts about exotic welfare (well, reptiles and spiders mostly, but sure) and also apply it to DOMESTIC welfare and Make a Dang Difference!!!!

Okay now I’ve become very burnt out, I’ve been writing for like two hours now? So this part will sadly be shorter, but I will definitely write more about it again if you or anyone else has questions or actually wants to hear about it.

Basically...the amount of These Plans that I am willing to let you folks know, is uhh...oh jeez where do I even begin, haha...

Well it started small plans (early years of research, when I used to think a small greenhouse was Super Wild and Crazy) but nah bruh we goin’ full hog, literally. My plans are to get a decent sized property, still in my state, and have a HUGE focus on Sustainability and Positive Grazing/Management! That means rotational grazing to IMPROVE soils!!! Thinning the woodlot and clearing brush for the HEALTH of the forest!!! Reintroducing blight-resistant american chestnuts to restore our forests and support a healthy wildlife population!!!! Using both honeybees AND cultivated native bees [did you know that’s a thing???? You can buy native bee cocoons, like raised humanely, and raise them for pollinating plants!! Like Orchards!!] and grazing pastured pigs and chickens under orchard trees, while also providing BUTTLOADS of native flowers and domestic tree blossoms for native pollinators!! All that great stuff.

My biggest focuses would be raising practical heritage livestock for sustainable agriculture and conserving heritage fruit trees, with a focus on apples and pears. I also want to grow a lot of mutually beneficial/low-impact perennial resources...think honey, maple syrup, nut trees, stuff like that! And I want to graze on pastures with native grasses and locality-specific wildflowers (check out Ernst Seeds, especially if you live in/near PA like I do!! Wow it’s so frickin’ cool) and focus on northern european short-tailed sheep (finnsheep, gotland, icelandic, leader, shetland, and soay) and small landrace American hogs (american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and the more recent but so full of potential idaho pasture pig. I also want to raise icelandic landrace chickens for utility (parasite/pest management, composting), conservation, and eggs. I also want to raise rabbits (silver fox crosses for meat, and french angora crosses for fiber! I have a dream of producing high quality tri color angora for spinners...three colors on one animal, and I want them to be especially great for fiber artists who want to raise their own fiber animals but don’t have a ton of space) and I have BIG orchard plans...SO MANY ORCHARD PLANS, HHHHHOOO YES....SO GOOD...also COPPICE WITH STANDARDS and FORESTRY and HOO YES!!!!! I LOVE SOME GOOD OL FORESTRY!!!

I think the best way to describe my current plans standings is that it seperates into a couple different “zones”, for my Current Ideas. This has taken months and so many countless hours of thinking, researching, and ironing out, and I’ve made so much headway in just this past week, but basically imagine this...

It’s mostly split into two pastures, the orchard, and the woodlot.

PASTURE 1

Pasture 1 would be the largest, where we would rotationally graze two primary groups of ruminants. Polled NES-T sheep (finnsheep/gotland) and horned sheep (icelandic/leader) with dairy cows (dutch belted) as well. Dutch belted for milk and specifically cheese production, and they would be grazed in front with the icelandics to help take care of the taller grasses that the sheep would avoid, and help keep the sheep a bit safer. All would be guarded by livestock guardian dogs. Group #1 of the icelandic chickens would be grazed behind them, to help break up manure and disrupt parasite cycles.

Pasture itself would be mostly a big bluestem/little bluestem/indian grass/switchgrass mix, with a good variety of livestock-safe wildflowers (small portion being nitrogen-fixers like tick trefoils and pasture pea) and seed-producing flowers for birds (wild birds and our birds!). Would be rotationally grazed 1-2 days at a time (avg. 3-4 days total) with a 21-35+ day rest period. Polled NES-T sheep would be moved to “silvopasture” (copse with standards, a portion of the woodlot, with coppiced trees for fuelwood/timber interspersed with standard-sized mast producting trees [would double as nut and persimmon orchard, and hog foraging in fall/winter!!!]) in the summer to help them deal with the heat. Summer would be the best time, as it’s after the spring predator pressure and before the acorns fall, which could be bad for them if they ingest too many. Rams and hogs would otherwise graze this land with much longer rest periods otherwise (more like 30-45 days or so).

PASTURE 2

Smaller pasture with similar planting, arranged ‘paddock paradise’ style for a small group of icelandic horses (SO GOOD, and useful!! Little horse hooves are much kinder to the forest than a UTV, and herding on horseback is less stressful for the livestock) and rotationally grazed shetland and soay sheep. Pretty simple, but important. Would also contain Icelandic chicken group #2.

ORCHARD

Worthy of a novel all on it’s own. I want to grow semi-dwarf heritage fruit trees with the fruit drop type synced to the rotation of pastured hogs (idaho pasture pig, american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and group #3 of icelandic chickens. Hogs would be in orchard spring-fall, and in the copse with standards fall-early winter. Hogs and chickens would be moved to a holding area during rainy times to help preserve the orchard floor and during winter, where we would also have a large waste management/composting set up for them to root and turn to their hearts content. Should be a lot warmer than the outside in the winter too, and I plan on it being in a high tunnel/hoop house so its covered.

I am ALL ABOUT pairing livestock with crops and encouraging multi-purpose acreage in general, so this is definitely one of my FAVORITE plans so far, and every time I revisit it, it gets better. I also want to raise BEES (honeybees, mason bees, leafcutter bees!!!) for honey and pollination. I also want to plant BUTT-TONS of native flowers and goodies for pollinators, as well as lots of seed producing plants and sunflowers for the chickens to forage for by themselves. These would be some happy livestock, for sure.

WOODLOT

Another huge part of the plan is that I want at LEAST 1/3-1/2 of the property to be Woods. Only a small fraction of the Woods would be managed for livestock foraging and more frequent harvesting (still looking at a good 7-10 year coppice cycle though for trees) and the rest would still be tended to, with the help of the local forestry folks, but it would be preserved for wildlife and low-impact timber and nut/fruit/sap collection.

The VAST MAJORITY of the farm would be multi-purpose acreage for both livestock AND wildlife benefit (and people too of course) and I truly, truly believe and KNOW it can be done. In fact it HAS been done, IS being done, in so many different ways by so many different people in different times, and I know that I want to be a part of it and I can make a difference and use my weird passions for Good and make a dang difference.

Ohhh jeez I’m real sorry I didn’t quite answer your question though but I hope this gives a little insight into what I mean?? And if anyone has Specific questions after reading this (if you make it to the bottom, bless your cotton socks, I’m so proud and also distressed) I can definitely answer them a bit better than this. And hopefully much less...whatever this is, haha!!