#on the bright side I’ve developed a lot more confidence and less nerves

[theriverdalereviewer]

Second month of teaching down I am officially a jaded being

[babbushka]

zannah if you’re still doing prompts can you do Y with our fave west virginian???

thank you for sending this in!! I hope you like it :)

Word count: 1500

Warnings: the most mild angst possible lol

It was nearin’ closing time forDuck Tape, and Clyde was looking forward to it. He’d been on his feet for asolid six hours straight, and now that the rush of his late-night clients wasover, he was starting to feel the effects. All he wanted was to lock up andcollapse in his bed. He was fixin’ to put himself in a sour mood, his favoritepatron nowhere in sight, and hadn’t been all evening.

That was, until you burst inthrough the front door, with such energy that the three remaining patrons andClyde all looked up with curiosity.

“Sorry.” You apologized to them,embarrassed.

The old grizzled men nursingtheir beers paid you no mind after that, and you made your way to the barcounter where Clyde was trying his very best not to blush.

“I was beginnin’ to think yaweren’t comin’.” He said quietly, already working on making your favoritedrink.

“I’m sorry, work made me staylate.” You said miserably, “I tried to get here as fast as I could.”

And that was true, you had spedlike never before, the countdown on the clock making you so nervous you evenran through a yellow light or two. That made Clyde blush even more, a shy smilegracing his lips as he slid the drink over to you.

“It woulda been okay, ya know.”He said in that same even tone, lifting his gaze to meet yours. He tried not tobe blinded by the affection in your eyes, but oh he was failing at that real bad.

“No it wouldn’t’ve.” You shookyour head with a shy smile of your own.

You had been coming in to DuckTape every single night for the past seven weeks – not that Clyde was countin’or anything. You came in for one drink, but you usually stayed for hours, relaxingand talking with him like it was the easiest thing in the world.

He had developed the worst crushof his life over the course of them seven weeks, and it was gettin’ to thepoint where he was gonna have to do something about it. He was convinced youdidn’t feel the same, that the curse would catch up to him once more and he’druin the one real friendship he had built outside of his family.  

“Have one yourself, on me.” Yousaid, tapping your finger on the cold glass of the drink, “If you’d like ofcourse.”

Clyde nodded gratefully, it waslike you had read his mind.

“I reckon I would.” Clyde said,pouring himself the same beverage from the tap. “Thank you (Y/N).”

The two of you clinked theglasses together before taking a long sip, and you chuckled at how eager he wasto down his beer.

“Been a rough day?” You askedwhen Clyde went in for another one.

“Hmm, better now that you’re here.”He admitted.

The two of you looked at oneanother, unsure of what to do. If it were up to you, you’d reach across the barand pull him into a kiss, wrap your arms around his neck and tangle a hand in hishair. But he surely had no interest in you, you were just a paying customer isall – right?

“It’s mighty quiet in here, I’llget us a song?” You slid off the barstool, getting your feelings all hurt fromthe thought. “Wanna hear something special?” You asked him.

He could tell something was wrongby the slight tone in your voice, but he didn’t know what, or how to fix it.

“Anything you pick’ll be special,darlin’.” He shook his head.

Darlin’ -- did he call anyone else that? Or was that something justfor you? 

You wished you could ask, without making things awkward. Thisfriendship with Clyde was your most precious thing, if you screwed it up bymaking him uncomfortable or angry, it felt like it’d ruin your whole life.

You flipped through the faded jukeboxrecords and punched in the number for one you hadn’t heard in a long time,forgetting the name but remembering the melody. The music sounded softly, andonce it was good and goin, you returned to your seat, your drink, your bartender.

“This one’s a bit of a sad song,don’t ya think?” Clyde asked, wiping down the counter. His heart ached for you,wanting to hold you tight. He needed to distract himself from just reaching foryou, so the counter it was.

“It’s a sad song kinda night.” Youshrugged, sipping your beer.

“Now why’s that, angel?” Clyde,and there he went again with the names.

“You’ll be closin’ up in an hourand then I’ll have to go home.” You said, resting your head on one of yourhands.

“Well, we got an hour.” Clyde said,and you smiled.

The two of you spent the hourtalking and talking, catching up on everything. The three other patrons of thebar all said their goodbyes, walking home down the street where they lived. Itwas just the two of you and the jukebox, laughing about stupid jokes andquietly exchanging theories and stories, making eyes at each other the wholetime.

The more you spoke and laughedwith Clyde, the less sad you felt. It was enough for you to just be around him,whether he felt the same about you or not. It was enough to be in his company,to sit in the bar and blush at his sweet accent when he called you little petnames.

You finished your beer prettyearly on and had called it quits, but Clyde was a couple deep, and he wasstarting to panic. He had planned on telling you today, had planned on gettingit all off his chest, but now the time was coming and he had to actually do it.

His stomach grumbled loudly, andyou laughed at the sound.

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t closethe kitchen so early.” Clyde chuckled, feelin’ only a little embarrassed.

“What are ya hungry for?” Youasked, looking at your watch. It was only nearin’ one in the morning, you couldprobably call to have pizza delivered or run out for greasy fast food.

Clyde looked at you long and hardthen, figuring now was as good a time as any.

“You.” He said, making your heartbeat so hard you swore he could hear it.

You had to have heard wrong – he couldn’thave possibly said he wanted you?

“You’re drunk.” You laughed, buthe shook his head, making you genuinely smile.

“Oh yeah? Well you’re beautiful.”He said, nerves wracking through his body, making him go all soft spoken. “Don’t take a drunk man to know it, neither.”

After a beat of silence, youdetermined that no this wasn’t a dream, and no you weren’t hallucinating. Youlooked into his eyes, really looked at him, and saw how nervous he was. Thepoor man was practically shaking, his mouth set in a line that you knew was himpreparing for rejection. Hope swelled in your chest, and you chewed your lip,your cheeks bright red.

“You really think so?” Youwhispered, the biggest grin on your face.

“I do.” He replied right away,his confidence slowly building. You hadn’t slapped him, or left, or told himyou just wanted to be friends yet, which was more than he was expectin, and itmade his own heart thud wildly in his chest. “I think a lot of things about ya.”

“Why don’t you come on the otherside of this here bar and tell me some of ‘em?” You asked with wide eyes and asmile, grateful for the privacy of an empty bar when he actually did.

“I’ll tell ya every day, if you’dlet me.” He whispered as he took your hand in between his own. You didn’t evenflinch at the cold metal of his prosthetic, and it made him emotional in a wayhe couldn’t really say. “I’d make you my girl, take ya home and tell ya adifferent one every night.”

The words filled you with joy, somuch so that you felt your cheeks grow wet from little tears that spilled.

“Oh Clyde, I’ve been waitin’ along time to hear you say that.” You said, feeling silly for crying, until yourealized his eyes were shining too.

“Well, whaddaya say?” He asked,still after all this, nervous.

You stood up on your tip toes tokiss him, square on the mouth. He immediately wrapped you up in his arms, kissingyou lazily, happily. You felt giddy, like it was the first time you had everkissed a man, the first time you had ever fallen in love. Clyde kissed you andkissed you, his mustache and goatee tickling your cheeks and your lip, makingyou smile and giggle against him. He couldn’t help but smile too, the two ofyou too happy to kiss each other properly.

“I say it’s closing time.” Yousaid, when the two of you broke away for air.

Clyde never locked up faster in hiswhole life, never more eager to go home than he was now that he was going homewith you.

Tagging some pals! :) As always, if you’d like to be added or taken off the list please just shoot me a message!  @fullofbees@spinebarrel @oh-adam@dreamboatdriver @bad–bad–man@thecurlycaptain @bourbonboredom@driverficarchive@aweirdlookingtree@rosalynbair@redhairedfeistynerd@adamsnackdriver@glitzescape@arwarz @adamsnacc-kler

[svubloods]

Imagine your brother Danny not being impressed with your boyfriend Nick

(A/N: For Anon, I hope you and everyone else enjoys! Sorry, it’s late!) 

Imagine Danny not being impressed with your boyfriend Nick

“So why weren’t you this nervous to meet my other older brother, or my grandfather or my father for that matter?” You inquired, sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine as Nick emerged from you bathroom after spending a good hour getting ready for dinner.

“Because I want to impress him,” He replied, smoothing out his pants.

“And you didn’t want to impress my Dad?” You countered.

“No, of course, I did and I think I did impress him…?” He began to explain but paused to ask.

“You’re good,” You confirmed, flashing him a quick comforting smile.

“But Danny unlike your Dad won’t have any problems with hanging me off a roof if he doesn’t like me,” He explained.

“Pretty sure that was Steve McGarrett and not Danny,” You corrected before pausing to think about it to make sure you weren’t forgetting, “But then again he may have done it and not told me but usually he tells me when he does that sort of stuff so I don’t think you should worry.”

“You fill me with so much confidence, Y/N,” He stated bluntly in an unimpressed sarcastic monotone.

“Don’t worry Nick. I’ll protect you,” You chuckled, tossing your magazine and getting up and smoothing out your own dress, “He’ll have to get through me first.”

“Once again so much confidence,” He sighed, walking towards the door.

“Hey,” You protested, “I’ve saved your ass lots of times.”

“Sure you have,” He said sarcastically.

“You’re only lying to yourself,” You commented, holding your arms across your chest and narrowing your eyes at him.

“I just agreed with you,” He defended.

“You were being sarcastic,” You pointed out.

“Well, you’re always sarcastic so I thought why not give it whirl,” He countered with a large over exaggerated grin.

So defensive and I didn’t even mention the amount of time I’ve kicked your ass,” You commented, off-handedly as if he wasn’t supposed to hear.

“That’s because you didn’t give me any warning,” He played off as you grabbed your bag and he opened the door.

“Was ‘go’ not enough of a warning for you?” You countered, puling face.

He pulled a face, “Can you just?”

“Alright, alright. I’ll lay off you because you’re so nervous,” You gave in before leaning in and giving him a brief kiss, playing with his tie as you did but once you broke away you said, “Though piece of advice you may want to put on some chapstick before you spend all night kissing Danny’s ass. You’re a bit dry,”

He narrowed his eyes at you.

“And I’m done,” You grinned, “Let’s get moving. Danny doesn’t like it when his dates are late,”

With only a sigh as a response, you walked out the door first. He wanted for you to go ahead before slapping your ass in retaliation and to get you to move faster as he shut the door and headed down alongside you. You swatted at him playfully before your hands entwined as you headed down to his car so you could to the restaurant where Danny and Linda for that matter were waiting for you.

It was strange seeing Nick so nervous for something. He was such a suave and confident guy seeing him nervous was just so strange to you. He was definitely nervous to meet your Dad for the first time a couple of weeks ago but you think the fact that he had met everyone else there beforehand calmed him down. As he had some people on side, particularly Erin, Nicky, and Linda but you won’t lie and say Jamie didn’t have a positive affliction for him either. So that definitely helped with the nerves. Plus though intimidating your Dad is a very calm and collected person he judges on character and ultimately you knew Nick fundamentally was a good person so you didn’t worry too much about it.

Danny on the other hand you knew was going to be a different story. Danny was more impulsive, some say aggressive you say deeply passionate but no one could deny he was an incredible cop, one of the best. Though you like to say he is an even better brother. You and Danny were really close despite the fifteen year age gap between the two of you. You’re really close with all your siblings of course but you had a special relationship with Danny. He was like your best friend, brother and a second father all rolled into one. You were the baby of the family and he treated you as such. It was the same with Erin and Joe who are and were twelve and ten years older than you respectively.

It was just different with Danny though. When you were born Danny was around fifteen years old and was going through a really tough time. He was just lost and like a lot of kids was confused about where his life was going. It was just worst because Danny’s fiery personality meant he was just getting into trouble. And then your Mom went into labor a month early and Danny was the only one there because he had been suspended from school. He drove her to the hospital after only one driving lesson and stayed with her until your Dad got there. He was the first family member besides your parents to hold you. Your Mom told you that be burst into tears at the sight of you but Danny always forgets that part when he tells the story.

And after that, he cleaned up his act. Joined the force and the Marines respectively when of age and got together Linda. He says that holding you for the first time made him realizes that there was more to life than screwing up. Real fulfillment came from the ones you love. He said that you were so small that day and the world was so big and he just had to do his part to make it better for you. So you shared a special bond. You think that he found it easier to talk to you and tell you things because he knew that you wouldn’t judge him. And you did talk a lot.  When he confessed to you about the PTSD and stuff you went to Linda and you Dad to get help for him. You like always were a little more reserved but if you were going to confess something it would be to Danny.

Danny was very important to you and you think because nick knew this was why he was so nervous. And if you were being honest you were a little too despite your cool and playful demeanor before.

When you introduced Nick to you family that was the first time you had ever done it. Introduce a guy to your family. Which consequently also meant this was the first time you were introducing a guy to Danny. And you really wanted Danny to like him. You were hoping that he would meet him at the same time as your Dad but Danny was suddenly taken out of town so he missed it. Nick, unlike your other family members, had never met Danny before. Just heard horror stories which are another reason why he was so nervous. So Danny had suggested that the three of you have dinner which you knew for Danny was just code for ‘I’ll interrogate him and you can eat dinner while I do it’ so you convinced Linda to come along as a protective barrier and as a comfort blanket for Nick. It would be less intimidating.

You and Nick had been dating for around nine months at this point. You had a kept it a secret for quite a while as he had just become your Sergeant which made the fact that you were dating even worse, job-wise, than when you were partners. You and Nick were infamous for bad timing. When you realized you liked him as more than a partner he had just finalized his divorce and clearly wasn’t ready to be an in a relationship. Nick says he realized he was in love with you when he was getting the divorce and while you were in your last relationship.

It wasn’t serious or anything but more serious than any of your other relationships but saying that all that really meant was that lasted longer than three months. You were always a bit weary of long term commitment which is why none of your relationship before Nick surpassed max four months and why none of them ever met your family officially.

You and Danny had discussed your lack of actual relationships a lot. He made you confront things about yourself which you wouldn’t have if he wasn’t there. Like a therapist. A small angry therapist. It was because of that conversation you realized you could accept your more than friends feelings for Nick and eventually tell Nick about how you felt.

You and Nick had been partners for over two years prior to dating, ever since he joined Special Victims back then. You started dating when he became your Sergeant and you got a new partner, Sonny.

Everyone would always you were a couple before you started dating when you were partners. Strangely, though you got much less of that now that you were actually dating. You think it was because you and Nick worked so well together.

You were very different but also very similar. Your whole relationship was formed on originally finding each other the most annoying people on the planet and teasing each other. Sure, it developed a mutual understanding and respect and then a friendship and then a very close relationship but you had assumed that was the limit. He was very by the book and work orientated, he wanted the job done and of course, he had his own temper. While you were much more relaxed when it came to things and rarely got angry but when you did everyone knew it was serious. You encouraged Nick to relax and he kept you in line. You balanced each other out and ultimately made each other better cops. But because of your differences, you never stopped teasing and arguing with each other like a married couple. You made each other laugh and smile, he understood and was willing to listen to your deep ramblings and you could always make him see the bright side of things. You could switch from playful to serious. You just had fun and loved being with each other. Could you really help falling in love, you think it was obvious in hindsight that the two of you were truly made for the other.

So when you finally started dating it truly was one of the nest days of your life. You were just so excited and you had never felt that way in a relationship before. You weren’t scared of hitting all of those big milestones anymore. Though you can admit nine months was a bit long to wait before introducing a guy to you family, But in your defense, you didn’t actually know when the right time was to officially introduce a guy as your boyfriend to you family. You probably would have waited longer if Danny had interrogated it out of you one Sunday lunch in front of everyone. He sensed something was off and he had been for a while but had waited because he had a feeling what it was and wanted to wait and do research.

You had admitted to him privately prior that you were seeing someone a couple of months before to Danny but you didn’t think much of it because you were always dating someone. You didn’t tell him who then but he got out at lunch.

“You’re not really nervous are, you?” You questioned, as you and Nick walked hand in hand still to the doors of the restaurant.

“No, are you?” He countered.

“A little,” You confessed.

“Why are you nervous?” He asked.

“Because if he doesn’t like you we’re over. And I would hate to see this end so soon.” You replied in dead serious tone.

You watched his face change dramatically.

“I’m sorry. I had too,” You giggled.

“I hate you,” He snapped while breathing in relief.

“Come on tough guy,” You giggled, as you pushed him through the door of the bustling restaurant first.

You and Nick had arrived before Danny and Linda so you got seated first. Which was a good thing as you defiantly needed to get Nick to relax a little more before they arrived.

“At least we aren’t late,” You commented, taking a seat as Nick slide in beside you.

“Does he not like it when people are late?” Nick questioned.

“People don’t like it when other people are late,” You quipped, “It’s rude,”

“Why can’t you help me through this stress instead of making it harder,” He asked.

“It’s more fun this way though,” You pouted, tilting your head in his direction.

“Seriously?” He responded.

“I joke through anxiety,” You said, “I know you already know this,”

“I do and I’m curious as to why you are nervous,” He chuckled.

“I really want him to like you as much I do but not really,” You confessed, “I just really want this to go well,”

“And why is that?” He probed, enjoying himself.

“Because I love you,” You stated.

“I wasn’t expecting a serious answer,” He commented.

“Well, you got one,” You smirked.

“I love you too,” He replied before kissing you again before pulling away and saying, “Plus it’s nice to see you worked about something,”

“You like seeing me in distress?” You accused.

“Of course not,” He said, rolling his eyes, “You know sometimes I feel like I’m more into you than you are to me. I mean look at you and then look at me. You could have any guy you wanted,”

“You’re not terrible looking, seen .you know.” You teased.

“I feel so good about myself,” He winked.

“You don’t really think that do you?” You asked.

“Of course I do,” He confirmed, “Like I said look at you. You’re gorgeous,”

“When I have a ton of makeup on like tonight,” You played.

“Even when you don’t have any makeup on. You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” He said sincerely, looking into your eyes.

You couldn’t help but blush.

“You’re really selling yourself short,” You insisted, playing with his tie, “I have always thought you were the handsome guy I’ve seen.Definitely the hottest cop I know,”

“It’s not that hard considering you’re related to half the police force,” He quipped which earned a playful hit from you, “You’re still blushing!”

“I can’t help it!” You stated, “You’re being all sweet and stuff, it’s so sickening. I’m embarrassed for you really,”

“You know you’re really cute when you blush,” He commented, biting his lip.

“Aren’t I always cute?” You countered, raising your eyebrows.

Nick rolled his eyes once again, licked his lips before leaning in for another kiss.

“Yeah, we better get all this PDA out the way before Danny comes,” You mentioned as he pulled away yet again.

“Is he not a fan of PDA?” Nick asked.

“Not when it involves his baby sister,” You corrected.

“Such a smartass,” He tutted, leaning back in his seat and looking at you with a smile.

“But you like that don’t you?” You teased.

“One more time?” He pouted.

“Fine,” You gave in, kissing him again.

You had intended for it to be brief. But lets just say the two of you got a little caught up with each other. You and Nick were like that. You couldn’t keep your hands off each other unless you were at work of course. It wasn’t in the way you would think, it wasn’t always sexual. You kissed a lot sure but mostly you just liked being able to grab hold of him whenever you wanted, because finally he was yours. And you just simply loved holding hand. To you it was way more intimate and romantic act than kissing and making out. There was just something about feeling the constant fireworks you felt whenever you touched.

“Ahem,” A voice said which caused the two of you to pull apart and look up..

“Danny. Linda,” You greeted, getting up so you could hug them, “Hi,”

“Hello,” Linda chuckled as you hugged her, “To the both of you,”

“Hi Linda,” Nick said.

“Danny,” You said again with a big smile as you hugged him.

“Y/N,” He said in sickly sweet tone.

“Danny,” You began once again, your arm still around him as you turned to introduce, “This is my boyfriend Nick Amaro,”

“Nice to meet you,” Nick jumped, extending his hand towards Danny.

“I’m sure it is,” Danny responded, taking his hand firmly and shaking it.

You watched Nick hand turn white because of Danny’s tight grip but he looked unfazed. After a brief moment of silence you all sat down. You asked Linda about the boys which handled the conversation side of things for about ten minutes. Throughout you could feel Danny’s gaze on the two of you but mostly on Nick. You and Nick like always were holding hands, it would have been unnatural for you not to. You kept squeezing his hand reassuringly. Everyone ordered quickly and things finally started at that point as soon as the waiter walked away.

“So how did the two of you meet?” Danny asked, suspiciously, eyeing the two of you up.

“On the job,” You stated annoyed because you knew that he knew this, “We were partners,”

“And what are you now?” He asked.

“I’m her Sergeant,” Nick replied.

“Do you sleep with all the detectives under your watch,” He snapped.

“No, pretty sure he doesn’t sleep with Carisi,” You countered.

“Danny,” Linda warned.

“Alright,” He sighed, “Tell me about yourself Nick,”

“Well…” Nick began.

After that point dinner transformed into an interrogation with fancy food and mood lighting. But luckily for you and Nick you think it went well. He was charming throughout, Linda loved him but no too much and you caught Danny slipping up his cold exterior a couple times when he found similarities between himself and Nick.

All and all you were convinced that Danny liked Nick but you had to wait until you were alone to ask him about it. Which happened when Nick left to make a phone call and Linda went to check on the boys at their sleepover.

“So…?” You prompted, as soon as they were out of earshot.

“So what?” He entertained, leaning back and taking a drink.

“Daniel,” You scolded.

“What do you want me to say?” He asked.

“Just tell me what you think,” You pleaded, leaning across the table.

“Why do you care so much about what I think?” He inquired.

“Because you’re my big brother and you’re important to me,” You replied, shaking your head at him in disbelief.

“And you are very important to me,” He smiled sincerely for the first time all evening.

“Your opinion matters to me,” You reiterated.

“What did Dad think about him?” He asked.

“He said as long as I’m happy he’s happy. Nick was a gentlemen and if he hurts me then we’ll see,”  You repeated.

“Yeah I’m feeling the same way but if he hurts you I’m hanging him off the empire state building and letting go,” He smirked, raising his eyebrows.

“You like him,” You beamed.

“He’s alright,” He corrected.

“So you approve?” You asked.

“You don’t need my approval. Never have. Proved that when you dated a criminal in high school,” He reminded.

“He lifted some sunglasses as a bet and how do you know about him?” You informed and then asked.

“I know everything,” He said suspiciously.

“Sorry about that,” Nick smiled, sitting back down, “What did I miss?”

“Just sibling stuff,” Danny responded.

“Then I won’t ask more,” He said, smiling at you.

“Better not,” Danny commented, taking another swig.

The dinner ended after that. You were so excited, it was strange. It was like for the first time since Joe and your Mom, you felt content. There wasn’t this massive piece of your life missing anymore. It was a really good feeling. “That was amazing,” You practically squealed as soon as the door of your apartment closed, “He loved you,”

“Sure did…I mean was…” He fumbled suspiciously, putting his hands in his pockets and tapping his foot nervously.

You turned and looked him up and down, suspiciously, yourself. Nick was never good at hiding his emotions or lying…to you at least…for that matter.

“Why what’s wrong?” You demanded, walking up to him and looking up at him.

“I can’t lie to you,” He began, avoiding your gaze but you could see the hurt in his eyes.

“Look at me,” You insisted, reaching up for his face, “What happened?”

“He told me to break up with you,” He revealed.

“He what?” You demanded, shocked.

“I couldn’t not tell,” Nick confessed, “He told me that I should ease out of it. You know distance myself from you and then end it,”

“When did he say this?” You asked in disbelief.

“When you were in the restroom with Linda,” He continued, as if he was deeply conflicted about telling you all this.

“I can’t believe he’s done this,” You sniffed, tears filling in your eyes.

“Hey,” Nick comforted, reaching for your face this time, “Are you okay?”

“No,” You stated, wiping them fiercely, “I’m pissed. How could he do this? He told me that he liked you,”

“He did?” Nick questioned, “Why would he say that to you?”

“Throw me off,” You spat, “That bastard,”

“He’s still your brother,” Nick reminded.

“I’m going kill him,” You fumed.

“Y/N, I only told you because I know i can’t do it,” He said.

“Break-up with me?” You filled in.

He nodded, “I know he’s your brother but I’m not going to throw this away because he tells me too, even if he is scary,”

“He’s not that bad,” You insisted, “But I can’t believe he is doing this to me,”

“Y/N, I don’t want to ruin your relationship with your brother. I know how much he means to you,” Nick began.

“But you didn’t ruin Nick,” You interrupted, taking his hands into your and leaning against his body, “He did. He knows how much you mean to me and you were perfect tonight. I can’t believe he would do this,”

“I thought he didn’t know about us,” Nick asked.

“He didn’t but before we got together I would talk to him about you and how much you meant to me without names of course. He was the first person to guess after we started seeing each other that I was dating someone. And I told him all about how much you helped me heal after everything I’ve been though and how you have helped me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed help. You’re one of the best things that ever happened to me. I love you so much,” You explained, tears spilling down your cheeks.

“I love you too,” Nick smiled, gently colliding his forehead with yours, “So much that I can handle him hating me for the rest of my life if it means I get to spend it with you,” 
 “You won’t have too,” You said stepping out of his reach, “I’m going to go talk to him,”

“No Y/N,” Nick began to argue.

“Nick it isn’t about him not liking you. Yeah, it was important to me but I don’t live to make others happy. I spent too much of my life already doing that. I live to make myself happy. I’m going to go talk about him interfering in my life. Telling you to break up with me is too far,” You stated, grabbing your coat and charging of the door.

“Do it tomorrow,” Nick argued.

“Why?” You countered.

“Because you’re angry right now and you need to think about it for a little longer,” He explained.

“When did you become all rational about anger?” You inquired dropping your bag and kicking off shoes and ultimately giving in.

“Second I saw you angry,” He chuckled, “You’re scary,”

“You don’t know the half of it,” You smirked.

“Let’s go to bed,” He suggested, “Might the last night we get too,”

“Not funny,” You commented as you walked past him into the bedroom.

“Just like you then,” He countered.

The next morning you weren’t any less angry despite Nick’s best efforts. It was Friday so you had to go to work and you knew Danny would be as well. But you couldn’t help but seethe about it all day. Nick kept a watchful eye on you to ensure you didn’t escape and release an unholy triad on Danny but to no avail. You slipped out at lunched and stormed down to the 54th precinct.

“What are you…” Danny asked in your direction as you charged into his squadron.

“Interrogation room two…now,” You ordered not even stopping as you left him in your wake.

He quickly obliged, something about your demeanour must have tipped him off. He walked in and took a seat and you slammed the door behind him.

“Hey that wall can’t any more slams,” He commented causally, “I do it too much already,”

“How dare you?” You asked.

“How dare I what?” He countered.

“Don’t give me that Danny!” You stated, “Nick told me what you said to him. You too him to break up with me,”

“He told you that?” Danny countered.

“Of course he did,” You said, “Because Danny he isn’t just going to dump me because my insane older brother tells him to,”

“But isn’t he worried that you might be as crazy as me?” He smirked.

“I’m not kidding Danny,” You spat.

“You’re really angry aren’t you?” He asked, folding his arms and looking up at you.

“Of course I am,” You sighed, “You told the man I love to break up with me,”

“You love him?” He asked.

“Yes, but that isn’t the point,” You sighed once agin getting frustrated, “What the hell were you thinking?”

“What the hell was your man thinking telling you what I said to him,” He said casually.

“Did you think he was just going to dump me because you threatened him?” You interrogated.

“Sort of,” He pouted, “I’m quite scary. When did he tell you what I said?”

“Last night,”

“Why did it take you so long to confront me?” He asked.

“Nick stopped me. He says that there was no point confronting you angry because we’re so close that doing it might ruin our relationship,” You explained, “He told me to wait and calm own a little,”

“Didn’t work,” He commented.

“He tried his best. Kept at the station all day,” You confessed.

“Really?” He questioned, surprised.

“Yeah,” You stated, confused by his reactions, “Why aren’t you defending yourself?”

“For what?” He asked.

“For lying to me or for telling my boyfriend to break up with me,” You reminded.

“Can’t defend the boyfriend part but I can defend the first bit. I didn’t lie,” He stated, “I liked Nick,”

“You did?” You questioned.

“Yeah he was a nice guy,” He clarified, “I think he’s great for you,”

“Then why did you tell him to break up with me?” You interrogated.

“Would you believe me if I said it was for fun?” He joked.

“No,” You stated, unwilling to participate and unimpressed.

“It was a test,” He finally revealed.

“A test?” You countered in disbelief.

“Yeah, a test,” He confirmed before explaining fully his reasoning, “I needed to make sure that he wouldn’t run away at the first sight of trouble. I know how much you like him. I needed to make sure he wouldn’t break your heart because there is a problem. Even a big one like an important family member not liking them.”

“By asking him to break up with me?” You accused.

“I knew he wouldn’t but I needed to make sure,” He elaborated, “And if he did he wouldn’t be worth your time anyway,”

“Why?” You demanded.

“Life is hard Y/N. You need someone despite any repercussions will tell you how it is. He knew how close we are and still told yous something that could potentially end a very important relationship for you. And he did that because he didn’t want to lie and because he really does love you. You clearly are as important to him as he is to you,” He explained sincerely, clearly speaking from a place of concern.

“I can’t believe you,” You commented, annoyed beyond belief at that point.

“I’ve always got your back,” He grinned gleefully, “Even when you don’t think I’m there,”

“I can’t even be mad at you,” You sighed, collapsing into the opposite seat in relief.

“Because you know it came from a good place?” He inquired, cheekily.

“Sure,” You said, rolling you eyes.

“You’re so relaxed now,” Danny observed.

“Now that I know my brother isn’t an insane interfering bastard, I’m sort of at ease,” You gave in, messaging your temple, “But you’re still freaking crazy. Couldn’t you have come up with a better way to test him?”

“But it wouldn’t have been as fun,” He smirked playfully before cackling with laughter.

“I’m going to kill you,” You threatened.

“I’ve lived a long life,” He chuckled.

“Can’t wait to tell Nick about this,” You breathed.

“Was he sacred?” Danny inquired.

“He was sad,” You corrected.

“At what?” He asked.

“The prospect of breaking up with me,” You reminded, as if it was obvious because it obviously was.

“Anyone else would be relieved,” He teased.

“Just for that I’m going to tell him you like him,” You smirked.

“Don’t do that,”

[sucaritra]

Bāṛi - Chapter 4

Word Count: 2378

Warnings: language, anxiety, Negan

Summary: the dreaded meeting with Negan is finally here!

A/N: you have no idea how much i struggled with this chapter. writing Negan is so much harder than i originally anticipated

Common sense told you that you just had the pleasure of meeting the fearless leader of the Sanctuary in all his glory, but that didn't stop you from questioning Simon about what you'd just witnessed before he could even take his seat opposite you again.

“Yeah, probably shoulda warned you about that.” You could only stare incredulously as he shrugged and dove right back into his dinner, looking at you as if you were the one that was crazy and not the people prostrating themselves around you for one man. The odd, cult-like behaviour brought goosebumps to your skin, making you wonder what other surprises Simon was hiding from you.

While kneeling for someone wasn't something you were entirely keen on, you knew it wasn't the worst thing you could be doing just to survive. Hell, you wouldn't just be surviving here, you'd be living. As you hadn't been informed of this particular rule, Simon reassured you that you weren't in any trouble, though it was time to finally meet the boss properly. This did nothing to ease your ever-present anxiety.

“You need to relax, it’s honestly not that bad. He’ll just go over the rules again, give you a couple of options and then you're done. Simple.”

“Options?”

“Yeah, like what positions are available for you here.” Simon was careful not to give too much away; he didn't need you freaking out on him anymore than you already were. He didn't know what it was about you, maybe it was your accent or those damn doe eyes, hell, maybe it’s just who you are in general but Simon’s found himself taking a liking to you. Sure, the lack of eye contact was freaking annoying, especially when he was talking to you, but he just put it down to the justified nerves of being in a new place. It was also offbeat for him to spend as much time with a newbie as he was with you; usually he’d just burden you on Dwight or another savior, but he’s found himself wanting to spend as much time with you as possible. You were new and different from the regular survivors that turn up at the Sanctuary, and until the novelty wore off, he was sticking close by.

Soon, Simon led you to the top floor of the building where Negan resides. The dark stairwells and tall, winding staircase made the trip up seem even more foreboding than the imminent meeting had you feeling, causing you to try and regulate your breathing, both from the anxiety creeping up on you and the exhaustion from climbing so many stairs. You figured you were being subtle, but the slight, unattractive wheezes pushing past your lips brought a small smirk to Simon’s face, causing your cheeks to bloom red.

Slowing down his pace once at the top to allow you to catch your breath, Simon led you to a set of dark, mahogany doors. Knocking twice, you held your breath as you strained to hear any sounds of life on the other side, hearing nothing. After what felt like forever - he was definitely letting you stew in your nerves, dick - a booming voice called for you to enter.

The bright light in the room immediately assaulted your eyes, a huge contrast to the gloomy hallways you came in from, and you had to squint slightly to stop the tears stinging at your eyes. The source of the light is the first thing you notice, as straight ahead of you are floor-to-ceiling windows, much cleaner compared to the grimy windows in the rest of the building. In front of the windows sits a large, imposing desk with a black swivel chair behind it, the occupant of which is seated and staring out through the windows at the compound below. You half expect him to be stroking a white cat on his lap when he turns around, and are slightly disappointed when he doesn't.

“You can go now Simon,” his eyes stay locked on yours as he relieves Simon of his duties, a large smile gracing his features. Fuck. Why did he have to be so damn handsome?! As if you weren't nervous enough, you feel a slight crush begin to develop the longer you stare at him, trying not to drool. He's tall and broad, wearing a white t-shirt that stretches over his chest. “Well, you gonna stand there all day or are you gonna take a seat?” The unexpected break in the silence causes you to jump slightly, resulting in him chuckling under his breath as you rush to take a seat on the chair opposite him at the desk.

You're leg bounces and your hands twitch as he pierces you with his umber gaze.

“Do you know who I am, sweetheart?”

“Uh, Negan right?” his pearly whites are on show as his smile broadens.

“That's right, and you are…?”

“Maria”

“Maria, you've gotta see her,” he caught your less than subtle eye roll and the small smile adorning your face as he sang the old Blondie song, causing him to laugh under his breath. “What, you heard that one before?”

“All the time in school, mostly from teachers. That and “how do you solve a problem like Maria?” his eyes widened comically as you sang, making you squirm in your seat slightly.

“Holy shit! You sing?” you gave a noncommittal shrug, “I’ve been waiting for a pretty little songbird since we found that shithole music store. Anyway, we’ll get right the fuck back to that. First, I have a proposition for you. Simon tell you about how we run things here?” at your nod, he continues, “There's a couple of ways to earn your keep here. Now, I know which option I’d like you to choose, but, it’s entirely your decision. Option one: you work for points. I’ll assign you a job here, you work your ass off to earn points which you can then use to buy whatever shit you want.” He pulls a face at that, an obvious attempt at swaying you away from that option.

“Option two: you become a savior. You'll swear your loyalty to me and to protecting and providing for the Sanctuary, through whatever means necessary. You're gonna need some pretty decent sized balls for that too, I can't have fuckers out there who can't stomach the sight of gore and all that other fun stuff.” 

You didn't like the sound of that. While you knew how to survive out there, it didn't mean you enjoyed it and wanted to go back. Whatever means necessary. You'd have to be able to kill whoever Negan asked you to kill, and that was something you were not okay with. Just because the world had gone to shit, it didn't mean your morals had to as well. Of course, if you or others around you were in danger, you'd for sure defend yourself but you were not willing to go out and look for that kind of trouble.

Negan seemed to delight in your concerned expression at option two before moving on.

“And finally option three. This is definitely my favourite.” He grinned that manic grin of his as he rested his forearms on the desk and leaned towards you as you curiously stared back, your interest peaking. “Now, I don't throw this option around lightly so you should be very flattered I’m considering you for this position. Heh.” He licked his lips and your interest suddenly took a nosedive, having a good idea on where this was going. “If you choose option three, then you, my darling, will have the pleasure of becoming my wife. Wife number six to be exact. All your needs will be met; whatever your pretty little heart desires, you shall get. You won't have to work, all you need to do is keep me happy, and in turn, I will make sure you are very satisfied.” He raised his eyebrows and gave you an encouraging look, awaiting your answer.

Now, Negan didn't look like a man who would appreciate being laughed at, so you were doing everything within your power to keep down the giggles threatening to erupt from inside of you. Honestly, what the hell kind of proposition is that?!

It wasn't that you weren't attracted to him, because holy shit, who wouldn't want to get with that Adonis?! No, you had no doubts about him being able to satisfy you, even if he is a cocky arse. It was the simple fact that you were a virgin. It might be silly and too optimistic, especially with the world the way it is, but you wanted your first time to be meaningful and with someone who actually cares about you. Not a presumptuous geezer who's looking to get his dick wet.

Your cheeks are a fierce shade of red as Negan watches you mull over your options with that stupid, self-assured look on his face, winking at you when you make eye contact.

“So, what do ya say, sweetheart? I know I sure as shit want to make you blush for entirely different reasons. I promise, you will not be disappointed. Fuck no.” You could have roasted marshmallows from the heat coming off of your face as he grinned at you, and all you could do is lightly shake your head and huff out a short nervous laugh.

This was not how you expected this meeting to go.

“Um, can I work for points?” cue the dramatic sigh from Negan, “it’s just, I think I’ll be a better fit there.”

“Can't say I’m not disappointed darling, that accent alone is making my dick do somersaults under here, would've loved to discover all the sounds I could get outta you.” He grinned at you as you avoided looking at him, cringing slightly at his vulgar language.

“You should probably get that checked out, I don't think it’s normal for your prick to be practicing gymnastics.”

“Oh ho, my prick can do a lot more than that sweetheart. Would you like a fucking demonstration?”

“What, you gonna do some rhythmic gymnastics for me?”

“I’ll even let you rate me out of ten.”

“You're very confident.”

“I have good reason to be, want me to show you why?”

“Another time maybe.”

“Ah ha! So there's another time?!”

“I think we’re getting a bit off topic. What jobs can I do here?” you both struggle to keep the smiles off of your faces as you look at each other, your face slightly embarrassed and flustered while his is as predatory as ever, with the addition of a light in his eyes you weren't entirely sure was there before.

“Fuck, sweetheart. I can think of a couple of jobs for you to do right here.” You're ashamed to say that you laughed at that, because fucking hell was it corny. “But you're right, getting back on track. What did you do before the dead fucks took over?”

“Nothing helpful really. I just finished college, I think that's high school over here or whatever, and was here for the summer before starting university.”

“Fucking hell you were young. You didn't have any jobs?”

“Not really. I did do some, uh, I guess it’d be assistant work for my dad. He was a self-employed handyman and his English wasn't very good so I did a lot of his paperwork and took his calls for him. That's not really very useful nowadays though.”

“Huh. Secretary. I like the sound of that.” You don't know how to feel when you caught the wicked glint in his eyes as he leaned back in his seat and considered you. He then lifted the walkie sat atop the desk, calling for Simon before standing from his seat and turning his attention back to you. “You're going to report here at eight a.m. sharp, I’ll fill you in on your duties then.”

He’d made his way around his desk by this point and came to stand in front of you, leaning back while simultaneously pushing his hips forwards towards you. You desperately avoided looking at it, not wanting to see if there was any truth to his earlier words. The man apparently has little regard for personal boundaries as he placed his hands on the top of the chair on either side of your head, leaning in close enough to feel his breath ghost over your lips.

“Do not keep me waiting sweetheart. I fucking hate that shit. And I will have no qualms about taking you over my knee if you give me reason.”

The intensity of his tawny eyes drilling into yours were enough to give you chills, and you swallowed visibly, causing his lips to quirk. Negan only broke the eye contact once Simon made his presence known on the other side of the door, and even then he took his time , breathing in deeply before raising from his position as Simon entered.

“I’ll see you tomorrow sweetheart,” he nodded towards Simon, signalling you to leave. He hadn't moved from his place in front of you, meaning you had to squeeze past him in order to get to Simon. You may have avoided seeing the effect you had on him before, but, oh boy, you sure as shit felt it against your hip as you moved past him. Sly fucker. You didn't look at him as you rushed to Simon with wide eyes and exited his office, hearing Negan laugh behind you as he thoroughly enjoyed the sight of you flustered.

“Told you it wouldn't be that bad.” Simon, the knob, grimaced slightly at your entirely unimpressed look and took a leaf out of your book and promptly avoided eye contact with you.

You sighed as you walked beside him to wherever the fuck he was leading you to now. At least the hard part was over. You were now an official resident of the Sanctuary. You were clean, had food in your belly, and would be starting your new job tomorrow. It didn't matter where you'd be sleeping tonight as you knew it would be the most restful sleep you'd have since, quite possibly, this whole apocalypse shit started.

Today turned out not to be so bad after all.

tagging: @neganisking

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 133, December 2018

On Monday night, I attended the Aspergers Victoria’s event Strategies For Success At Work, held at MS Australia - The Nerve Centre in Blackburn. Tonight’s event coincides with International Day of People with Disability and featured a panel of three professionals each diagnosed with autism including Jeanette Purkis, Mark Solonsch and Jacqui Brady. There was quite a large attendance with fellow Aspies, volunteers, parents, teachers and carers. https://aspergersvic.org.au/event-3131241

The event was opened by President of Aspergers Victoria, Tamsin Jowett, who briefly talked about the values that are represented by AV including celebrating our neurodiversity, promoting inclusiveness and empowering people with a disability. She then introduced the three panelists mentioned above and handed the floor over to each of them.

Jeanette Purkis Âû was the first panelist to speak. She is a published author, best known for her book The Wonderful World of Work, as well as a public servant, autism mentor, presenter, blogger and advocate. She talked about growing up with low self esteem, being bullied in high school and wanting to be socially accepted among her peers. After pursuing further education and going to university, she found a casual job as a dishwasher which was not only unsatisfying but gave rise to high levels of anxiety and panic disorder. http://www.jeanettepurkis.com/

Though through her determination and many stressful, difficult changes, she managed to successfully become a public servant. She notes her strengths include loyalty, attention to detail and being kind and friendly. Challenges include anxiety, paranoid thoughts, misinterpreting what other people say and having self doubt. https://jeanettepurkis.wordpress.com/

Her most important advice for preparing for job interviews and being successful in the workplace include: asking lots of questions, researching the organisation, identifying what your skills are, using positive self-talk, challenging negative thoughts, practicing your interview and getting all the assistance you can. https://www.booktopia.com.au/the-wonderful-world-of-work-jeanette-purkis/prod9781849054997.html

The next panelist was Mark Solonsch. He is an Aspergers Victoria board member, former small business owner, an author and has 25 years of experience working with Australian businesses. He segmented his presentation into four phases. The first “Naive Arsehole” stage showed that Mark was a very successful technical expert with knowledge in marketing and data analysis but no social skills or ability to manage his own business. From this he devised the formula: Technical + Social + Sales = Business Success.

The second phase called “Naming It” was about Mark identifying his strengths and weaknesses, problematic behaviours and being able to work on social interactions. It also highlighted the importance of being authentic and he devised another formula: Quality x Acceptance = Effectiveness. The third phase “Diagnosis of Aspergers” was about getting information, learning, surrounding yourself with people who accept you and finding support.

The final phase called “Coming Out” is about embracing yourself and your diagnosis. It is a constant work-in-progress as telling others of your condition will take time. It is important to help others to understand what being autistic is like and taking responsibility for yourself. https://aspergersvic.org.au/who-we-are

The final panelist this evening was Jacqui Brady. She is an anthropologist, former Royal Australian Air Force aviation technician, writer and comedian. She opened with a few jokes involving an embarrassing moment sitting on Santa’s knee as a 6 year old child as well as admitting that her biggest fears are being in Supermarkets and large crowds of people.

She then briefly touched on having a traumatic life growing up and working for the military as a clerk technician. She has studied anthropology which is the study of humans and human behaviour in societies, specialising in sacred sites. She also commented on the fact that she rejected her autism diagnosis several times during her life, the importance of building skills, finding out what makes you happy, tapping into special interests, staying away from naysayers and the need for physical space.

Lastly she talked about the concept of the 4D’s, which is essentially how to handle discrimination from others. The first one is DENIAL (e.g. You look normal to me). It’s important to EDUCATE the other person. The second one is DISMISSAL (e.g. You’re not like other autistic people). You may need to get FORCEFUL with this person. The third one is DEFLECT (e.g. We can’t change things for one person). It’s important to GET HELP. And the last D is for DISCRIMINATION.

I only stayed for about an hour as I was getting restless and a little rundown with a sore throat. But I’m glad that I came along tonight to gain some valuable advice and insight into what it’s like to be an autistic person in the workplace. I can relate to many of these challenges myself, especially the social aspects plus sensitives and anxieties of being in a busy retail environment. It’s very much a day to day thing for me but having support is vital. https://www.personneltoday.com/hr/manage-autism-workplace/

On Tuesday morning, I had my first appointment with Occupational Therapist Ambika plus Elise from Everyday Independence. They actually came to my home and I had my Mum there for support but my anxiety levels were beginning to spike upwards as the time approached 10 o’clock. I think a lot of it had to do with not knowing what to expect and just those “meeting new people for the first time” jitters. It’s also daunting making big adult decisions sometimes. https://www.everydayind.com.au/our-therapies/occupational-therapy/

The two therapists did their best to make it as casual as possible and I also tried to get myself as prepared as possible by having my NDIS plan, notes and letters ready on the dining room table. They were typing away on matching notebook computers, asking me some routine questions. They spent most of the appointment getting to know me, asking what my big goals are for next year.  I stumbled with some of the questions but overall I did my best. https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-to-expect-during-an-ot-evaluation-2509998

I came up with: 1. Building independence, social and conversational skills including making new friends and joining social groups. 2. Developing life skills including cooking, cleaning and home maintenance. 3. Being able to live independently in shared accommodation. 4. Improving self confidence and self esteem. 5. Enrolling in a TAFE course and studying part time. https://www.everydayind.com.au/ndis/our-ndis-services/

They also suggested that I should see a speech pathologist to help with the social confidence and making conversation aspects of my therapy plan. The difficult part was figuring out the funding side of things and how many hours I wish to use with Everyday Independence. But thankfully Ambika and Elise were there to assist and guide me as I really had no clue and didn’t know what I should do. So I’ll just be starting out at 10 hours of Speech and 10 hours of OT and see how I go from there. https://www.everydayind.com.au/about-us/our-approach/

On Tuesday night, I did a Body Balance class with Astrid Christophersen at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. It’s been a few months since I’ve done one of these classes but I’ve missed it as a good portion of the class is strength-based yoga. The one thing I haven’t missed are the Pilates and Core components, even though I know they’re good for me. When I walked into the Group Fitness studio, there was a bunch of people sitting on the side of the stage being loud and obnoxious. I did my best to ignore them and not engage with them. Ironically, none of them were here for this class.

Astrid chose to combine a number of releases together including the tracks Free by Broods,  and Curse by This Pale Fire. My balance was very much off today but I laughed it off and kept giving it a go which shows my positive attitude. As expected, the most difficult part of tonight’s class was the Pilates section and it doesn’t help when I haven’t done any in a while. But still I did what I could and felt good by the end of the class.

We did the following exercises: Tai-Chi Warmup (Tai Chi breath arms, Circle arms, Wide Forward Bend), Sun Salutations (Extended Mountain Pose, Forward Fold, 3-Legged Down Dog, Plank Pose, Baby Cobra), Standing Strength (Intense Pose, Warrior 2, Sun Warrior, Side Angle Pose), Balance (Mountain Pose with Knee Lift, Willow Tree pose, Standing Modified Half Lotus, Eagle Pose, Dancers Pose).

Pilates Core - Abdominals (Crunches, Toe Taps, Alternating Leg Extensions, Bridge Pose), Pilates Core - Back (Seal Ankle Taps, Cross Crawl, Bow Pose), Twists (Cross Legged Twist, Seated Twist), Hamstrings (Seated Forward Bend, Happy Baby Pose) and Relaxation. https://lesmillsondemand.vhx.tv/bodybalance/season:1/videos/2016-4-bodybalance-75-55-min-lmod

On Thursday morning, Mum and I got our Santa photos done at Casey Central Shopping Centre. Some people would argue that I’m “too old” to be doing this at 32 years of age but I really don’t give a shit what people think about that. I see Christmas and having photos taken with Santa as a way of reconnecting with my childhood, when I was happier and I had less demands, responsibilities and pressures placed on me.

As usual, we were a bit disorganised trying to get our hats to fit and being “ready” to do this. This year we chose some bright green hats with layers of tinsel and bells attached. They actually looked more like witches hats than Santa hats but still looked great. I deliberately glanced away at the onlookers of parents and kids patiently waiting in the queue, especially after we took several attempts to get a decent photo of us.

“Santa” didn’t say much to us and in some ways I was glad. I pretty much already know what I want for Christmas...feeling better about myself, self confidence, more friends, improved mental and physical health and happiness. We decided to get the “Blitzen” package this year which was the cheapest of all the options plus a musical snow globe that you can place one of the photos inside. I was still feeling tired and restless but I’m glad that we finally got our Santa photos done today. https://caseycentral.com.au/santa-at-casey-central/

On Friday morning, Mum and I attended the Celebrate...It’s Christmas musical show held inside the theatre at Bunjil Place in Narre Warren. Walking into the main foyer from the hot gusty winds outside, I really didn’t know what to expect. The foyer was absolutely packed with people, all having their morning tea and sitting in the lounge areas. There would have been well over 100 people in attendance and the atmosphere was buzzing.

Funnily enough, my anxiety levels were manageable and not bothering me too much. I guess my new medication must have finally kicked in. I really haven’t had the time to stop and reflect on whether these meds (Lexapro 10mg) have been improving my symptoms of depression and anxiety but I would say for the most part they have. Of course I still have moments where I still get easily flustered, distracted, annoyed or irritable but it’s very situational.

After we sat down to have our cuppas and cakes, we were invited to proceed to the theatre. This was actually my first time going inside and was pretty impressed with the space. It reminded me of perhaps a miniature version of the Regent Theatre in Melbourne. They had a towering Christmas tree in the back right-hard corner of the stage plus a large black grand piano with a beautiful garland across the side.

We had seats in the front row which was initially bothersome considering how high the stage is but I learned to adjust to it. After a brief introduction, we were greeted by musical director and pianist Vicky Jacobs as well as actor and singer Ian Stenlake and classically trained vocalist Michelle Fitzmaurice. Performing a mixture of traditional Christmas carols including Away In A Manger, Silent Night and , Ian also read some lovely (and often naughty) poems and messages from kids about what love means to them.

We were also graced by Michelle for several songs including renditions of Silver Bells, Angels We Have Heard On High and Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. She reminded me a lot of Marina Prior with her huge operatic vocals being able to hit some impressive high notes. She rocked a stunning light blue dress with glittering embroidered gems.

Back to Ian. We learned that he was a star on the Australian drama series Sea Patrol and recollected a funny story about performing his own stunts and being terrified about it. He had also starred in several stage musicals including Guys & Dolls, Cabaret and Mama Mia. He then invited a lucky volunteer from the audience onto the stage to perform a few lines from the Guys & Dolls script which was very hysterical to watch. Luckily the woman took it all in her stride and just went with it.

The show ended with a duet of The Christmas Song performed by Ian and Michelle plus a few bars from We Wish You a Merry Christmas with linked arms and swaying from the audience. It was a very enjoyable, highly entertaining show with the right balance of songs, comedy and fun. I feel that the man who opened and closed the show was pushing his promotion of Ian and Michelle’s albums and the upcoming Bunjil Place events a bit too hard but that was my only criticism. https://www.bunjilplace.com.au/celebrateits-christmas

On Friday night, I went to a Strength & Circuit small group training session at CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. In the past, I probably would have played the “Fuck this! It’s too hot!” card but I’ve made a commitment to myself to keep up with my fitness goals and not let any challenge deter me. Weather is an uncontrollable variable but when it comes to training and exercise, things can always be modified or adjusted.

It was just the four of us tonight: myself, Cinamon Guerin, Ashley Hart and Sarah Hart. It didn’t take long for those anxious thoughts to begin creeping in (Why aren’t they talking to me? Why am I struggling so much? What if I pass out during the workout? Why can’t I seem to speak up and contribute to the conversations?). It can be tough accepting my difficulties when it comes to making or joining in conversations and my natural introversion. But I did my best to push these to the side and just focus on the workout.

I knew that I wasn’t training at 100% potential tonight but the extreme heat had a lot to do with that. I think I also had a lot of stuff on my mind about things I have to prepare for with my Christmas gathering tomorrow. Sadly there’s no “off switch” when it comes to my constant mental checklists (Have I bought enough drinks? Have I bought all the food? Have I got all my decorations and cards ready?). Again just focus my attention back onto the workout.

Tonight’s workout consisted of the following...Warm-up: 3 rounds of squats, push ups and dumbbell squat press (20 seconds each). AMRAP (15 minutes): dead ball slams, barbell squat press, kettle bell swings, tricep push ups, dumbbell overhead shoulder press (8-12 reps each). Circuit: 3 rounds of wall balls, alternating push-up plank holds, weighted hip thrusters, bench press, TRX bicep curls (30 seconds each).