#then October was just being annoyed and not caring and still working myself like a horse

[theriverdalereviewer]

Second month of teaching down I am officially a jaded being

[a-doubleh-x]

Why I like Charlastor

The other day I noticed there was some negativity in the Charlastor tag, including antis and people feeling the need to defend against antis, so I thought I might as well take a step back and just write candidly about why I like the ship.

I only got into Hazbin in October of last year, but already it has inspired me a lot to write and fantazise about it. Like most people, I started with the classic "they look cute together", but as I kept looking I couldn't help but think there was something else to these two than first met the eye.

For starters, I love Pollyanas! I think they get a bad rep for being naive, but I just appreciate an optimist like Charlie who just wants to make people around her happy because it makes her happy. I also like bad boys 😳 I'm a pretty heteronormative guy, so I haven't had a big chance to explore that part of myself yet, but I do like the danger and excitement someone like Alastor brings to the table.

I will admit when I started writing Charlastor I felt like I was handling dynomite. It's a lil scary to ship a boundless altruist with a manipulative sociopath, but bear with me.

I think each of them has something the other needs. I think Charlie needs someone to challenge her, someone to steer her in the right direction while she's mostly isolated. At the start of the series, practically nobody but Vaggie takes her seriously, and Alastor is no exception. He mocks her, teases her, but she still listens and I think it's because somewhere deep down she understands there's something he's trting to communicate in his annoying, but curious way.

Of course, I also love the fanon Charlie who's down bad for Alastor, and even if that Charlie is a little naive, I think it's also sweet and she can use some indulgence while most people treat her like a child.

On the other hand, when it comes to Alastor, this is a bit of a theory on my part, but I think he's secretely lonely. He has friends, certainly, like Rosie and Mimzy, but they're not good enough friends to live together with him. They don't seem to be able to save him from "pure, absolute boredom". But Charlie, for some reason can, even though she's a stranger at the beginning when Alastor chooses to move into the Hotel.

Alastor is not as much of a cynic as someone who chooses to see things in a perspective that benefits him. He doesn't think redeeming sinner is "hopeless", but "hilarious" instead, which has interesting implications to me. That's why he chooses to hover around Charlie, not because he thinks she's lame, rather because he thinks she's silly. She makes him laugh. Which I think is kind of how Alastor sees "love".

And then you have fanon Alastor who, depending on the writer, is either a horny animal, a wisecrack edgelord or a soft boy who's mean to everyone but Charlie XD I like several of those interpretations, but I kinda prefer mine just out of personal taste. I think the best part about Alastor is that he doesn't *care* what anyone thinks of him and always does what he wants, even at the expense of other people, which I find pretty enviable.

They're kinda both outcasts in their own ways. Charlie by being unable to fit in and Alastor being unwilling to compromise. But they don't judge each other. He supports her in his own weird way and she houses him and is delighted of him in general, which is tasty food for his ego. I do wonder why Alastor is interested in Charlie, both in canon and in a fandom vacuum.

There's some cool potential for drama there, but also growth and healing, in my opinion. Personally, I think Alastor doesn't want to actually *hurt* Charlie, but he may hurt those around her, which will be a moment to start settling compromises if Charlie puts her foot down.

That haz bin my review so far! I'm honestly pretty grateful for Vivziepop for all of the work she's done so far, I know directing, animating and writing two shows over the course of 5 year or so ain't easy. I'm also grateful to the fandom who shares their thoughts and vision, which calms the terrible voices I started hearing in my head since I bought this weird old radio.

I'm in the middle of a break, but if you're interested in my fanfics I'll get back to writing very soon. Cheers! 🌈❤🦌

[drill-teeth-art]

A late night, slight retrospective on the tiny amount of Tumblr fame I've gathered that also might be slightly annoying for my audience to read so feel free to skip it if you want.

I started sharing Transformers fanart on here back in 2022, around October. I had been posting art on here for a while before actually but people really started following me and asking about my work and actually reblogging my stuff when I started posting Transformers fanart in 2022. I was in a really low place then, and I really welcomed the attention. My art was and still is something I take a lot of pride in. It's my own. There's quite a few years of my life where the fact I could still draw was the only thing stopping me from attempting suicide. It's something that has always meant a lot to me, so the attention on one of the only things I really liked about myself was nice. It was nice for a while.

But I've gotta say the slight Tumblr fame (and I do mean slight, I've only got around 3k followers which is a lot of people and more than I ever thought I'd have following me and more than a lot of folks will ever have but not like A Ton Of Fame) has wreaked havoc on my mental health. Which is already pretty rough as is. Suddenly I wasn't just some guy making Transformers fanart while desperately saving up to get out of my parents' house. Suddenly I was some people's FAVORITE Transformers artist. Suddenly I was a role model to people and I had people in my DMs clambering for my attention and I had an audience that would cheer or boo or go awkwardly silent at my every post depending on how much they liked it. And it was Not Good For Me. I had and still do have people all over my inbox, excited about how I drew fat and disabled and trans characters asking me over and over to draw some specific representation that I don't want to draw right away. I had and still have people begging me to draw their favorite Transformers character who I happen to not really care about and not want to draw at all. And I am painfully aware how often people take personal offense to my polite "no I'm not drawing that unless it's a commission" and my not answering their ask because I'm not in the mood. I've had people send in asks asking for a specific drawing and then follow up asks when I don't answer in a timely manner. And it's really uncomfortable! And it's almost more uncomfortable that it feels like a lot of people don't even notice that they're making me uncomfortable.

And I like learning how to draw bodies I've never drawn before. I like looking at a character who I think is meh and being like "well actually how can I make them interesting to me...". But it really felt and still feels like my art was getting away from me, like I was drawing more what people were asking me to make instead of what I wanted to because people would take it so badly when I'd say no. I was getting commissions though and I was saving up money to move out so I ignored that bad feeling of getting distanced from my own craft because I was trying so hard to save money and I was actually making some. And I still wanted the attention. Plenty of people were still kind to me despite everything.

Things got weirder for me after I released my Good Bi Gender comic. Which I do still recommend people read I think it's some of my best work. But that comic became a huge hit. And it made things really complicated for a while. I got anon hate. I was told to kill myself by strangers online more than once while I was already deeply suicidal. Something I thought I stated very clearly in the comic itself, that I didn't want strangers calling me "she" though I did and do let my close trusted people call me "she", was immediately ignored by my regular audience and people reading the comic. I got a lot of "you go girl!" kind of messages in response to my comic, and I didn't say anything at the time but it made me deeply uncomfortable. The comic was partly about how the she/her part of my identity is off limits to strangers. How I don't let just anyone she/her me because I work so hard to have the he/him aspect identity acknowledged at all. And it was like what Tumblr decided for me was to go against my wishes. Was to be like "we'll accept your identity for you!" when that's not what I wanted. I did NOT want to be she/her'd by thousands of strangers at the time. And though I'm grateful to have heard the understanding stories of other folks with nonbinary gender identities in the notes, it was deeply humiliating and invalidating to watch as others decided for me to accept the Girl part of my identity. The opening lines of the comic are explicitly a plea to the reader to listen and understand why they're not allowed to use she/her for me even though I'm opening up about the complexities of my identity.

And like. I don't care anymore if people online she/her me. At least I don't care right now that's why she/her is in my bio right now maybe I'll change that. But at the time it was awful. It was something I asked people not to do. And between that and the constant clambering for my attention from people I didn't want to talk to (because I was severely depressed and wasn't looking to make a ton of new friends) and the alienation from my own work I felt like shit. I felt like garbage. I still do. I hate my art sometimes. I really hate it. And for a while, I considered breaking my own fingers just so people would stop acting so entitled to my art and I would have a reason not to post. And honestly the only thing that stopped me was just trying to get by financially. Just watching my follower count and regular notes steadily trend upward so I could do more commissions so I could move out.

And doing things for the numbers, even for a relatively short time, only made things worse. It sounds a little silly even to me, but I get so stressed out when my posts flop, especially if it's art I was really proud of. I'm struggling to detangle my sense of worth in my art from the online numbers game. And I'm proud of the progress I'm making, but it does really suck and it's really hard. And I really wish I was still the same person back in early 2022 who could say "I don't care about the numbers!" and actually mean it because god I WISH I didn't care about the numbers now. Especially now. I dunno if it's me posting more art people don't wanna see or people leaving Tumblr or a shift in the culture of Tumblr but fewer and fewer people interact with my posts despite my follower count ticking up slowly but surely and it kind of bums me the fuck out. But. I am very proud of myself for still drawing the ocs that I want to draw even if they get less notes every time. And even if I'm slightly frustrated they get less notes every time.

I don't really have a neat bow to tie on my personal story right now. I'm still healing and sometimes I backslide and it's hard and it sucks. I don't want to sound ungrateful or to sound like I'm trying to shoo people off my blog because I'm not. I'm really grateful for the attention and interest and I'm not trying to turn people off my art blog. But it's been a rough few years on here. And don't be surprised if you see me take more and more breaks from this website. I do sincerely hope y'all will stick around and watch me continue to post whatever art and say kind things because I do appreciate that a lot. I'm trying really hard to mend my relationship with my own art. To not be so hard on myself. And for the record I don't want any asks telling me to take breaks when necessary or reminding me to draw for me. I appreciate the sentiment, but I already know all that and I personally don't find it helpful to be reminded of things I already know. But anyway. I hope that I will draw more and more of whatever I want to, even if that means I fade back into obscurity.

If you stuck around to read me reflect on the stresses and occasional humiliation of my small amount of online notoriety, then thank you. I appreciate that. And really I do like people looking at my art on here and sharing it and sending asks about my work. And the person I expect to be responsible for my mental health and how much social media is impacting it is Me first and foremost. But sometimes I think that it's important to remember there's a person behind your favorite art blog. And sometimes when you get swept up in parasocial attachment and hype, you kind of treat that person really fucking weirdly. And no that doesn't make you a bad person or a monster. But it does mean you have to learn to deal with it when someone who you might even idolize is like "back off me you're making me uncomfortable".

Anyway. I shouldn't be up as late as I am. A headache has been keeping me up all night. I'm gonna try to rest though. Goodnight.

[secrets-of-everwich]

11-2 Asher’s Final Statement

[Click]

[Electronic hum underlies recording]

{Callie} Hello, my name is Callie Hewitt, and I’m recording on the 25th October 2021. I’m here with Asher Morris, a regular participant. I’m here for their final statement.

Ash, you explained to me everything that happened very briefly, but I wasn’t recording. Can you repeat it, please? Actually- Start from the beginning. I want a full statement.

{Asher}

Ohh, I think so. Well, okay, starting at the beginning.

It all began on that day Emilia wasn’t in school, which I don’t know how much you’ve heard on the podcast. I had a chemistry test and Emilia normally helps me with chemistry tests because she’s so smart and amazing at chemistry. She wasn’t in that day which was weird because she never takes a day off school unless she’s like really really ill, or Rin said there may have been another reason which was why she was so worried but she didn’t tell me what it was, so I just assumed she was ill.

But, normally she’ll text us and ask us to give her any catch-up work she needs, and I think she just spends the entire day doing the catch-up work, not actually resting, which always got Xavier very annoyed because it says we need to rest when we’re ill. He’s really caring for us like that. Anyway, I had to ask Xavier for help with the Chemistry test, which actually I got 48% on, which wasn’t too bad for me. Rin kept calling Em but she wouldn’t pick up, which was sad.

Anyway, the next day it was Rin’s birthday, and me, X and Em had been planning on taking her to see the show tour here at the manor because we thought it would be fun and Rin likes kinda creepy stuff like that, not as much as you though, but she definitely enjoys them, so we thought that would be a fun birthday present, and Emilia was there but she looked really pale and Rin was very worried about her, but then X took me aside, and… Do I really need to repeat myself for that? I really, really hate spiders…

{Callie} No, it’s okay. I won’t force you to.

{Asher}

Thank you. Anyway, after that I did the statement for you, and then all was fine until a few days later, I got a call from Rin, and… Well we’ve already talked about that. It all seemed to calm down after that until you sent me a message being like ‘Hello, I want you to make another statement pls come around at about 6pm ty’ and then you weren’t there, when I decided to record my own statement because I had no idea what you wanted me specifically for so I thought that if I just left something for you, that would be appreciated, while I was waiting because I am not good at waiting and you hadn’t texted anything but obviously that was when you were in the caves, but I didn’t know that.

Then after that I saw… Well, first I heard then I saw… Emilia and Xavier. It might have recorded on the tape, I don’t know, but they were talking about something, I think they were cooking something? And then…

[Very quietly, almost inaudible]

They kissed.

[Normal volume]

So, I- I ran away, I couldn’t be there anymore, I had to find Rin. And I did, I spoke with her, and she… Helped calm me down. I then went to bed, and woke up to the worst phone call I’ve ever had.

{Callie}

What was it?

{Asher}

Aiden called. On Emilia’s phone, we thought it was Emilia. He called our groupchat. Xavier didn’t pick up. Rin did, I did. He said Emilia was in hospital, and had been since 2am. She’d stabbed herself.

But it’s okay! She’s okay now!

{Callie}

Oh, good! Yeah, you, um… Mentioned earlier… Tell me what happened next.

{Asher}

Rin hung up, and it was just me and Aiden on the phone and he said that he was awake and was playing video games and heard a scream but not a scream from his video game apparently it wasn’t a video game that screamed, so he knew something was up and apparently that got him really worried so he went to the kitchen and there was Emilia lying there she was still kind of awake apparently and he said she said to put this spider corpse he called it in a test tube, so he phoned the emergency services and they took her to hospital, and said that she would be okay, he woke his mum up and put the spider in a test tube and he went to the hospital all night and I was thinking, oh a spider, what kind of spider, because while I really don’t like them, it reminded me of those green spiders from before, and he said it was a green spider.

I’m not normally good at working things out, Rin always says she doesn’t think I have the braincells for that and most of the time I agree, but I just thought, that maybe it was the spider from before, so I went to go and see Xavier because Rin wasn’t picking up, and Xavier was ignoring me and didn’t pick up, so I called you and you were still ignoring me, so I thought, maybe you’re back at home, so I was gonna see if you were in your room, and then I heard you, and you were covered in cobwebs and I told you everything.

[All quotes are acted out very overdramatically, in an over the top voice to mimic Callie and Xavier’s voices]

So then we went to Xavier’s room, and he was there, and he wasn’t doing anything, he was just sat there, and you were like, ‘You lied to me’, and Xavier was like, ‘No I didn’t’, and you were like ‘Yes, your statement, you said there were no spiders. There were so many spiders.’ And Xavier just sat there and then I spotted the spider thing, and it was a struggle but we managed to get it off.

And then we talked to Xavier for a bit and then I remembered about Rin, and so ran to go and find her because she wasn’t picking up her phone and I know Rin when she doesn’t pick up it means she’s really struggling so I went to her home, but I saw Jamie – that’s Rin’s half sister - playing in the playpark, which is weird because she should be at school, so I asked her where Rin was, and she was like ‘Why should I tell you’, and so I had to promise her 2 bags of candy which I really need to buy after this interview because I think Jamie is waiting outside with Rin and so I need to take her to the shops so she can buy some candy and anyway she eventually told me that Rin had walked over to the woods so I ran in to try and find her and I did and she’s okay now, I mean obviously cause she’s right outside this door, and so she grabbed Jamie and we both came back here.

{Callie}

Wow. That was… Very detailed.

{Asher}

Thank you!

{Callie}

Thank you for listening to this Secret of Everwich. Ash, could you ask Rin to come in?

[Click]

[smytherines]

001| Curtwen and 002|Owen Carvour for the ask game

Oooohhh thank you!

001- curtwen

When I started shipping it: I watched Spies for the first time in late October or early November 2023, and I liked it but I didn't think about it again until January 2024 when I decided to rewatch it. The second time I watched Spies they broke my brain, and I've been here ever since

My thoughts: *45 continuous minutes of stressed out laughter* oh boy. Um. So many thoughts really, but most of them center around curtwen making me incredibly sad

What makes me happy about them: I genuinely believe they loved each other. That they bantered and bickered like an old married couple, but that they really tried the best they could to be together, even if most of the time they had to be apart. I believe Curt when he talks about how Owen was his best friend, and I think Owen felt the same way right up until the fall

What makes me sad about them: everything else

Things done in fanfic that annoy me: making pre-fall Owen into a heartless monster who is borderline (or just outright) abusive to a helpless, dopey babygirlified version of Curt. Those versions of the characters are unrecognizable to me

Things I look for in fanfic: for their relationship, whether working or romantic, to feel like an actual partnership with two people who genuinely care about each other. I'm also just a sucker for great banter

Who I'd be comfortable with them ending up with, if not each other: nobody, it's very much a "they were made for each other, do not subject anyone else to these men" situation for me

My happily ever after for them: actually I wrote a whole fic about this! But it would just be them getting out of the spy game and running off somewhere, just having a little house together and finally getting to have a real relationship

Who is the big spoon/little spoon: I think they switch it up. Maybe with Owen being the big spoon a little more often? I do think the fandom overlooks Curt's big spoon potential though

What is their favorite non-sexual activity: is it cheating to say spying? I think Curt would despise stakeouts at first because he can't keep still, but the more they work together (and especially once they get together) I think they would both start to kind of enjoy stakeouts because they get to talk and spend time together and not necessarily have all the pressure and stress of the other parts of their job

002- Owen Carvour

How I feel about this character: oh boy there aren't enough words. I could focus on so many things here, but they all come back to disability eventually. While Owen Carvour isn't established in canon to be disabled after the fall, in the real world you do not get up and walk away after a fall like that, especially not after a building explodes on you. In the real world, the most likely result would be broken bones, traumatic brain injury, spinal cord injury, burns from the explosion, etc. There aren't a ton of canonically disabled characters out there, so disability tends to be something that has to be read subtextually like this, often in the origin stories of antagonists or villains. The whole become disabled become evil trope.

I find myself with a lot of empathy for characters who go through something horrifying, something that would be disabling in the real world, and their grief and trauma manifest in horrifying ways. People who are not perfect victims, who spiral and lash out and lose themselves and ruminate, who turn their pain into ammunition. Grief that manifests as sadness and crying and self-hatred tends to be a lot more accessible and relatable than grief that manifests as boiling white hot rage. But as a disabled person who thinks of Owen as a disabled character, I have a lot of empathy for the rage. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: just Agent Curt Mega

Non-romantic OTP: I love the idea of Barb and Owen being friends. I think they definitely had some interests in common and would've been such an interesting dynamic

Unpopular opinion of this character: I guess one of my most unpopular opinions is that I think it does a big disservice to the character and the story to reduce Owen down to a petty ex who was always sort of like that, who wants nothing else beyond petty personal revenge on the man who wronged him. To paint it as a toxic reaction to a bad breakup instead of a massive trauma that left him seriously injured and isolated and heartbroken, that stole his entire life from him.

I absolutely believe getting revenge on Curt was a primary motivation for Owen, but I don't think he planned to torture or kill Curt until Curt interrupted his arms deal. I think Owen lost his identity, his life, his job, his relationship, everything that mattered to him in the fall, and if Curt hadn't come back and chased him down, Owen would've been satisfied operating from the shadows and taking (from his perspective, at least) the only thing Curt actually loves- spying. But I don't think that's his only motivation. By the time we meet DMA, Owen has already been working with the Baron for some time, he definitely would've started this project before Curt ever came back, so I don't buy the idea that he started all this to lure Curt in. I think its giving Owen a bit too much credit to suggest he rigged the entire scenario. I don't think Curt personally being there was part of the plan, I think it derailed the plan.

A spy destroyed his life, him being a spy destroyed his life, his agency and his partner abandoned him to die, having a secret with another man ruined him. I get why he wants a world without agencies, without spies, without secrets. He is going to single handedly dismantle everything Curt ever believed in because those are the things Owen once believed in, the things that put him in that facility and led to him losing everything

It is about Curt, but its about a lot more than Curt too. I think Owen would be very aware of what the British government would do to him if they knew he was gay, I think he would be very aware that global superpowers like the US, UK, & USSR are working on surveillance technology, that someday soon somebody will hold all the world's secrets. I think he feels like he stands a better chance with Chimera than he does with the government that would imprison him or force him into "chemical castration" if they knew what he was. A government that left him for dead. His ideological reasons for joining Chimera as just as interesting to me as his personal reasons

One thing I wish had happened in canon: the villain monologue and the staircase scene have Owen laying out all his ideological reasons for doing what he's doing, beyond insulting Curt he doesn't get personal about anything, even when Curt tries to bring up personal things between them. I get why there wasn't, but I do sort of wish there had been a line or two that really expanded on what "the horror of staying alive" meant to Owen, some tiny glance at what his post-fall world was really like. Something that slips out and Curt tries to pull at that thread and Owen just shuts it down, or the thought of it makes him even angrier. Things end the same way, and I do think Joey Richter does an incredible, incredible job of making you feel something for Owen in the staircase scene, but I do wish we had a little bit more of a mask-dropping moment

My OTP: curtwen

My crossover ship: I would not inflict these men on anyone else

A headcanon fact: uhm. Shit. I've already typed so much so let's keep this simple- I headcanon him as autistic

[galaxy-teaparty]

Sunday, November 3rd

Okay, so here is a thing. I miss blog format a whole freaking lot so I am planning to use tumblr for my personal ramblings. Not a very nice idea, something like dreamwidth would have served this purpose much better, but I just have zero energy to start a new platform. I can't even make myself to remake my carrd or make a strawpage, because my decision fatigued brain crushes overthinking what png should I use to represent my identity.

So here we are.

The first thing in the morning that got me annoyed today is me opening my youtube shorts and seeing all the Christmas preparation videos. Like what in the loving fuck. It's not even close to winter, you have the whole month of November, and I feel like such an ssr beast liking this month. I just generally love both autumn and spring despite them being really exhausting to me.

But what I love about autumn is how different all the three months feel. September is still rather sunny and warm but already colorful. October is spooky and has me fighting for my life because of writober pressure no one but my brains puts over me. And then there is November, gloomy and cold, but also comforting for some reason. I feel like it's a great month to slow down and start slowly reflecting upon the year, doing the end of the year cleaning watch me do almost nothing though and other stuff.

And I wish I could say that seasons are different in different parts of the world, because it's true. But I hate how algorithms push only one single view on that, based on what is more profitable. And of course they want the Christmas purchases to start right now.

Idk what I planned to say with that. I just have to curate stuff I see as you always do. But I guess it's okay to ramble a little bit. There is a certain pressure that if the post is a long one then it's rather be well researched and put together. But sometimes you just want to talk without much goals in mind. Just telling people or the void of the internet how you feel.

There's actually one lengthy post in my drafts about latest mahoyaku event that I want to finish, but also feel pressure. And I keep telling myself that it's in my head and need to stop caring because most people would just look at the wall of text and say "they're not reading all that". Which is always discouraging to me.

This fandom just begs for more meta to be written, there are so many fun discussions to have. And unfortunately being a working adult doesn't give you much time for all the projects you want to do. But at the same time saves you from being way too invested in any potential drama because you're way too busy. Unless you're not making that your priority of course.

Okay but that's it for today. I'll use the tag #nacchi's daily ramblings, though I doubt is going to be daily with my schedule ahaha.

Please stay safe and be kind to yourselves.

[dream-gardener]

aaaaa hi lauren !!!! 🤍 okay i have some selfship questions for you and your fav !!! firstly …. i would loove to know how you two met !! was it love at first sight? or in general … what were the first impressions like ?!? and now …. what are mornings like with you two? what’s the routine 🥺🤍

i wrote waaaay more than i needed to but my blog my man my rules ig 😔 putting the entire answer under the cut so i can rb it to the fic archive and not bother my mutuals who did not sign up to read self indulgent fanfiction

THE MAN OF THE HOUR…..6’3 outside hitter for the MSBY Black Jackals: #15 Sakusa Kiyoomi (28) 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

for context i have POTS and scoliosis that make it hard to walk and stand and i think in this scenario I’m brave enough to use a cane as a mobility aid in public. partially because i think Atsumu would harass me until i caved and got one because I’m so shaky on my feet lmao

the most probable way we could meet is absolutely through Atsumu. I think he’d be the perfect buffer between me (nervous and awkward) and Kiyoomi (straightforward). I don’t think it’d be love at first sight, especially for Omi, but my initial impression is 100% “ATSUMU YOU DIDN’T TELL ME HE WAS HOT”…considering how unapologetically straightforward Omi is, he’ll probably ask why I’m shaking and since I can’t help it he’d probably keep an eye on me for the rest of the night because he doesn’t trust me to not fucking faint at whatever function Atsumu coerced him into attending 😭

I think things only start to pick up like the second or third time we meet. He’d probably have to hold back a laugh because I know I would (lightly) bonk Sumu’s foot with my cane for being a dumbass. I’d offer him my number if he ever thinks Sumu deserves another cane bonk and then use that as an in to be annoying… by which i mean texting “do u wanna see a picture of my cats” “show me ur spotify rewind” “do u wanna see this fuckass picture of atsumu in middle school” until Atsumu pressures one of us to ask the other out

unfortunately I have an even longer answer as to what mornings are like 😌

Kiyoomi strikes me as someone who thrives off structure and has a quality time/acts of service love language. He’s perceptive and stubborn while still being realistic. In the manga, I’m pretty sure he says something about how the most important thing people can do is try, even if they aren’t necessarily successful, because some things can’t be helped. Because of this, I feel like he’s very good at taking care of his loved ones by making sure their needs are met without compromising his own.

Which is good, because I’m a mess (read: living under capitalism while mentally and physically disabled)!

I think mornings with him are peaceful and quietly loving. I don’t think he minds helping me maintain routines because he knows I would if I could. After a certain point, he probably doesn’t even think about it because helping me becomes part of his routine. He definitely gets up first and showers before he makes sure I’m up and physically out of bed, even if he has to pull me out some mornings so I stay on track. I feel like he’d naturally take up making breakfast most days even with how particular I am. It’d be reassuring especially given how blunt he is; if there’s a problem, he’s gonna say it, and he’s gonna be honest when he does.

Even when I’m having a particularly bad day- or week- he’s still doing his best to help me do my best, even if I can’t do it by myself. If I don’t have the energy to move, he’ll just carry me. If he has work, he’s leaving me with a hoodie that smells like him and snacks and water within reach. He’d probably listen to the same special interest info dumps a bajillion times because there have been studies that suggests that helps 😭

but anyways 🤭 it’ll be an october wedding since i live in texas and that’s when the weather starts being nice again 😊

[alucart]

actually fuck it lmao

got hired late september. started actual work in october. started off as a seasonal worker. every day i woke up for work i was dreaded it. it was so much work. i was fatigued everyday but i still had to give it my all or else i was "lazy". if i moved too slow i was considered rude to customers. if i dont smile im rude. if i take a minute to process something then "something is wrong with me." like. Okay. lmao.

obviously when applying for jobs i dont list the fact that im bipolar. hell, i probably have adhd. but beside the point, the fact i have to act a certain way just to keep a job thats barely paying me shit was so. annoying. the fact that while working seasonal i had to put up with so much shit was ridiculous. november and december was so awful. im still mad i had to wake up at like 4am to get to work at 5am and then the store wasnt even busy until 12am. and we had to wear red and make sure everything was perfect bc the ceo was coming to the store? LMAO?

after my seasonal hours were over i thought i was free. i wasnt working for like two weeks but i at least got to spend time with my family. clean. take care of myself. i actually got back to drawing, something i havent been able to do for months. and then they called me back for a full time position. of course i took it because i wasnt finding anything else but it mightve been the worst mistake like ever.

like i must preface, that i got the job for the seasonal position in the first place without an interview, and like, yes i knew that was fishy at the start but also, ive been looking for a job for over two years so i was desperate. somehow the full time position was even worse than the seasonal position. my manager felt more annoying.

not to mention at this point they were making me do shit that i was never hired to do. why am i organizing clothes? i take returns? why are you making me cover in the handbags department? i work in returns and help people with online orders? why are you making me pack online orders? I WORK IN RETURNS, HELP PEOPLE WITH ONLINE ORDERS AND I HAVE PROCESS RETURNS FOR ORDER PICKUPS THAT WERE NEVER PICKED UP?

honestly madness. i had many breakdowns. over not wanting to go back to work. one time i had a stomach virus and had to stay home from work and was so miserable and literally panicking because i thought i could lose my job from being sick. i had a coworker that they also hired full time and she got fired because she "took too many breaks" meanwhile there was another coworker that took way more too many breaks.

while working there i saw many people get fired. like i dont know. and it was constantly understaffed. one time my manager asked me if i could work for 50 hrs one week and i told her "i'll think about it" only to find that weekend she changed my schedule without asking. (i had a breakdown that weekend).

when they had me set up my availability i had changed it so i would get mondays and tuesdays off because i realized i need two days off in a row instead of two random ass days and they didnt even. abide by that. and by the time it was like that on my schedule i already lost my job because i "violated company policy" because i accidentally scanned some fake coupons. which mind you, i never did anything wrong at the job beforehand so i shouldve really got a warning instead of being straight up fired.

but i honestly think they just wanted to get rid of me because i couldnt get enough people to sign up for a credit card, which again, i work in returns, so most people doing a return do not want to apply to a card. to expect someone in returns to have someone sign up for a fucking credit card everyday is insane. telling people that its not really a credit card is even more insane. the fact that im still stressed out over this because im fucking unemployed is. insane!!! and i dont even know if i can get unemployment. i feel like crying.

[dianight]

I was recently complaining about how websites lie to you.

There's this one that sells pc parts that I've been using for more than 10 years, very occasionally obviously.

And I was looking for some headphones because the ones I've had for a while are at the end of their life cycle, literally falling apart. At this point they are very uncomfortable to wear and it can even hurt if I'm not being careful. So I got new ones (not cheap...) and I'll get them at some point next month(?).

Checking the tracking it says they arrive on [certain day of october], despite it showing me a range first. Okay no problem, I'll wait.

The thing is. Less than a year ago I had to return a controller. Deadzone + some buttons not working correctly was making it annoying so I got the same one and I returned the old one. Not the first time I do it actually, because they tend to fail way before the guarantee expires. I've probably gone through 6+ controllers in the last decade, and maybe paid for 1 or 2 of them.

But. But. There is no proof of this. It shows me on the order history that there are no controllers at all. And I've said before how this sort of thing disturbs me because it takes me out of reality for a bit, trying to sort out if my memories are real or hallucinated. Thankfully I have the last box here, like physically present and it confirms that I did indeed order and returned those controllers from this one account I use.

So I'm just outraged that they went and deleted all of those purchases like that. I have proof on my phone, bank account and whatnot, if my mental health got worse because of this bullshit I could use that to ground myself. How dare they lie to me like that. It's like. Isn't this shit something you can sue them for? I'm pretty sure the guarantee of the controller I use now it's still valid. I could not return it if I wanted because there is no order on the website.

And beyond that. Just like ghost notes/shadowbans in this website, all the different ways these fucking platforms try to gaslight you is so infuriating. I can't imagine being someone who has whatever mental condition getting triggered by this sort of thing. It's literally harmful that they can do it with total impunity. Awful. Awful awful awful.

[thefemeleon]

i know i have like six followers but honestly that’s perfect i need a place i can just say what’s on my mind no filters so worries i’ll get in trouble for being honest.

a little over a year ago i was kicked out of my living situation with a former “friend” of mine. i’m extremely lucky to have so much familial support as i was able to move in with my brother immediately after. it’s honestly all still a blur, thinking about how it all went down. i was so so excited to live with my friends, we had been friends since freshman year of highschool for most of them (one of them i had been friends with since i was 8 years old. i was 22 when i was kicked out). it was like a dream, two of us in one unit (me and the person who kicked me out) and three of us in a different unit on the same complex. it was supposed to be like a party all the time, and i was so excited to feel surrounded by support and love.

unfortunately, right before the move in date i reconnected and ended up getting back together with someone i had been in an on and off again abusive relationship with. my friends DID NOT like them and they knew that, but i felt pressured to ask if they could live with us regardless. and so they did! it was me and my ex sharing a room with my cat, and my ex friend in their own room with their two cats. it was an abysmal situation pretty much immediately, my ex and my ex friend hated each other and fought constantly. after about only a month, my partner moved out and returned to their home state. my friends were increasingly concerned about the nature of our relationship and saw the massive toll it had taken on me. they urged me to end things, so i finally did. i was devastated, crying for days and days even though i knew it was the only solution for my safety and happiness.

fast forward to the new year (i broke up with my partner in october 2022) and things were okay. i had been making new friends at my job and was so elated to have two groups of people that seemed to care about me and love me as i was. i turned 22 in february and it was one of the best birthdays ive ever had, even in hindsight. i started dating one of my new work friends, and she made me feel like i was part of something, part of the cool kid group. however, her friend group openly found my old school friends “cringey” and “annoying” and were constantly trying to separate me from them. in the meantime, still living with my friends, i fell into a deep depression. i struggled to take care of myself, to keep my space clean, and to clean up after my cat. my room was disgusting, and i will forever be ashamed about it. i never let anyone inside due to pure embarrassment. my cat was always fed, but i was not scooping her little box leading to her urinating and defecating all over the carpet eventually leading to me having to remove the carpet. my clothes were always dirty. i wasn’t allowed to let my cat out of my room because she didn’t get along with my roommates’ cats. she never showed any negative emotions towards me regardless of the poor care i was taking of her (and myself) and we were constantly snuggling and spending time together.

i could tell my roommate was becoming frustrated with my lack of cleanliness but i was in such a dark place it felt like i would never get out. one day, while i was at work, my roommate texted me telling me they had taken my cat away from me and given her to my friends in the apartment nearby. i was incredibly upset, my cat means the world to me and she felt like the only good thing about my life. immediately after i got off of work i went straight to my friends to beg for my cat back. i was an emotional mess, crying and hysteric trying to keep my calm but it was so difficult to see them all turning on me before my eyes. they told me my roommate had taken pictures of my room and showed them. it was humiliating. at first they were concerned, not mad. they did not give me my cat back so i was forced to return back to my own apartment empty handed. i blew up at my roommate. i’m not proud, but i felt pushed to the edge and completely out of control. i have suffered so much heartache at the hands of others my whole life, and the fact that it was coming from people i thought were my best friends was breaking my heart in two. in the moment i told my roommate they were acting like my ex partner, and they snapped and told me i had 30 days to leave. i returned to my room and sobbed for hours. in the following days i moved as much stuff as i could to my brothers house and had to take hours out of my own very busy work day (i had recently been promoted to manager) to retrieve my cat. i was so wracked with anxiety i couldn’t face my friends. in text messages they were calling me an animal abuser and telling me i was a bad person. i couldn’t understand the complete 180 that happened in the blink of an eye. my mom was luckily able to get my cat back, and that first night with her at my brothers house was one of the worst of my life. she instantly crawled on my lap and did not leave the entire night. i took her to the vets office the next day and they told me she was in perfect health, there was nothing wrong with her whatsoever.

i tried to move on with my life and find comfort in my girlfriend and her friends, but they ended up dropping me a few months later as well. here i am now, over a year later, without friends and no support system other than my family and my boyfriend. my cat is still in perfect health, and is living lavishly in a large house with space to roam and a consistently clean litter box. i deep clean every week, and i absolutely refuse to fall back into the filth i was living in before. but it still hurts just like the day it happened. i’ll never understand why, in my time of greatest need, my roommate decided to make a villain out of me. and then went on to convince my friends of it too. i was so sure these people would be in my life forever. there are places i can’t go anymore without extreme anxiety because of the chance i will see them. i have an incredibly difficult almost impossible time connecting with new people now, so i really have no way of creating a new circle. i am extremely depressed and often don’t feel loved, even by my boyfriend. i struggle everyday to keep it together, but i risk losing my job due to the amount of time ive had to take off due to not being able to stop crying and panicking. i feel hopeless and suicidal everyday. i had an abortion early this year with no friends to support me. i’m struggling in my relationship and have no one to talk to about the things i can’t tell my mother. i’m desperately trying to find a therapist that listens and understands but it feels impossible.

despite everything though, i’m trying to take everyday as it comes. all i can hope is that in the future, ill have friends and loved ones who care about me and love me for who i am, even if im struggling. im not saying im a perfect person, i never have been. i struggle with self hatred and feeling like a bad person constantly. it might sound silly, but this was a traumatic event for me. in a life with so much hardship this made me feel like i will never be happy again. i feel lost, but i can only hope healing will set me free.

i know this is extremely long and personal and i don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing, but if you do, thank you for listening. just typing this all out has been incredibly cathartic

[cherais]

About Regret

My heart can carry so much, but this particular story is one of the heaviest that it can endure. I'm writing this with the hope that I can let go of some weight off my chest.

It was Saturday morning, early October 2020. I was working on my desk, trying to meet deadlines after deadlines. Being a lawyer, I was no stranger to working overtime. The pandemic has made the working situation better and worse at the same time. My husband and I (both lawyers) worked from home with our tiny baby and a nanny to help us. Working from home was a blessing because we could spend more time together, but the boundaries between work and life blurred. I tried to hold on by reminding myself that working in a top-tier law firm is the dream of many law graduates. It is also very rewarding, intellectually and financially. So I must be grateful, right? Sure.

I was in the middle of narrating my legal advice when suddenly I felt a rhythmic vibration just next to my laptop. It was my phone ringing; a video call from my family group - cousins, uncles, aunts and grandmother, the one from my mother's side. I sighed. Being sleep-deprived and overwhelmed with work, I felt slightly annoyed by this distraction. With the amount of work that needed to be done, there was no time to entertain such a trivial matter. So I just stared at my phone until it stopped ringing. When it did, I wrote a short message for them to read: "Sorry, everyone, I can't join the call! I'm busy with work now." oh, that felt good and bad at the same time.

I could see someone was typing in the group chat; it was my grandmother. I knew she had been sick for several days, probably because of "masuk angin" or some light sickness like a tummy problem. I presumed my cousins and the entire family had arranged a group video call to cheer her up and wish her a speedy recovery. The pandemic made it very difficult for us to visit each other in person, so a video call is the best way to reconnect with each other. Actually, that's very nice... but I was very busy. Maybe next time.

"Oh, so sorry you have to work this weekend honey. I hope we didn't disturb you with the call" grandma said in the group chat.

"No worries grandma! I hope you get well soon!" I replied briefly.

"Yes, darling, let's arrange another video call when you're free".

Oh yes, the following Monday, when all the work is done, I will have some freedom before another work interval. Maybe I should call her on Tuesday or Wednesday? That sounds good.

As I type this, I'm still baffled at how naive I was to think that there is always tomorrow and that tomorrow is guaranteed for me to do the things that I can't do today. Sadly and regrettably, the next video call didn't happen because my grandmother's condition deteriorated rapidly in the following days.

She fell into a coma around ten days later and passed away shortly after that. Her sickness was not only a "masuk angin" or tummy problem; it was COVID-19. She was on a ventilator for the last three days of her life, fighting for oxygen as her saturation gradually decreased due to lung failure. We could only see her through the video call with the kind nurse in the hospital because visiting her in person was impossible. When she passed away, it broke our hearts to pieces when we found out that her funeral must be held in accordance with the COVID-19 protocol. This means we can't attend the funeral in person; only one family representative and the hospital staff with astronaut-like protective suits.

That Saturday morning video call was my last chance to speak to her, which I missed. To make it worse, I was slightly annoyed when my phone rang that morning; oh, how terrible.

Two days after I attended her funeral (virtually), I was sobbing alone in my room. I felt immense regret burning in my chest, thinking how I was always so busy with my life and paid little attention to one of the people I cared about the most that is my grandma. I remember how present she was in every stage of my life. On my birthdays, my wedding day, or even my ordinary days. Her presence was constant, to the point that it was expected every time, and I took that for granted.

That night, while sobbing, I remembered her. How kind and warm she was as a grandmother. How she lived a very humble life - her entire house was just the size of my living room. She ran a small shop (warung) for a living, and whenever I came to visit, I was basically the special guest princess who could eat whatever snacks I wanted for free. This became a very special childhood memory for me.

Despite her soft mannerisms, she was really a tough cookie. Her life was far from wealthy, as the profit she gained from her small warung business could only cover her day-to-day life. No savings or shiny car, not even a decent bed to sleep. Nevertheless, she insisted on refusing any 'excessive' financial help from her children, hence her humble life. I also remembered her endearing, childish (in a cute way) side, like she was very scared of cockroaches and declared them her enemies, or when she was irrationally afraid of falling from the window when she visited my apartment on the 23rd floor.

Then I realised how little attention I had given to her when she was still there. I was so busy with my life, my little family, my bloody work and other mundane chores that I forgot to appreciate her love and presence. Despite that, she still loved me and cherished me. After she passed away, we learned that my grandma's bank account pin was my birthday. This feels so special because I'm not her only grandchild; there are many of us, yet she chose my birthday. Her phone's lock screen and wallpaper were my daughter's pictures, which showed how much she was fond of her great-granddaughter. And then, one time, her comments on Facebook resurfaced. There's this comment from her on my picture where she called me beautiful and said I was "her best friend since I was a baby". How cute for a grandma to think of her grandchild as a best friend?

It breaks my heart that her profound and constant love for this busy grandchild was somehow not reciprocated. I love her—always did and always will—but did I make the utmost effort to show how much I loved her when she was alive?

Now it's too late.

Long story short, all my regrets led me to a very dramatic decision to resign from my lawyer job just six months after her passing. I just couldn't do that anymore. Indeed, the job was financially and intellectually rewarding, but at what cost? The working style made me a different person and cost me one of the most precious moments in my life: speaking to my grandmother for the last time.

At this moment, I also want to write her name: Yetty Supriati. May Allah grant her the best place in Jannah so she can have all the luxury she never got in this world. And may she forgive me for failing to show her enough how much I love her when she was alive.

I love you, eni.

Teh Ais.

[waterforlorn]

day twelve. october 18th.

yesterday we mostly drove again. there's so much nature out here i never quite realized, but then again .. camp has nature, too, so it's not like i only know the city. i don't. it's just .. it hits different when you drive FOR DAYS and all you see is open land on either side. it's fucking fascinating. part of me wonders why people all squeeze up together in the big cities when there is so much open space for everybody .. everywhere. but then again, i can't really judge, can i? i lived and worked in the big city myself.

being private security was good. i … enjoyed it. i mean it wasn't like an actual GREAT job, but it paid well and they practically begged for me and showered me in extras. army men, best security in the country. clearly. i was good at my job. i mean, nobody died or got hurt - don't know how many can say that much for themselves. i got my ass handed to me a few times, ended up sporting bruises or cuts. i got shot a few times, but nothing too bad, really. i'd take getting shot over the constant worry of mines and ambushes any day.

and the best? the bouncer nights. being broad helped me a lot with that. put me in front of a club door and people are gonna think twice about causing trouble. not the most exciting work hours, for sure, but … well, those also came with perks. drunk men are so simple. the amount of times i got hit on could wrap a warm blanket around earth, really. but they never do it on the way in, nah. worked fine for me. i never had a lack of suitors. i guess i didn't in camp either. i just … never really found myself drawn to the scrawny youngsters. sure, i wasn't picky before, but it felt different in camp. they're damn kids. being the oldest of the bunch surely put a damper on me. at first.

can't really complain anymore now. nico's … yeah. he's good. i'm good. no complaints. sure i get annoyed when he puts his damn smithing before me when i need him, but like.. i admit that's … part of what i like about him. he has that sense of duty that's more common in older people like us. sure, sometimes i want him to drop everything when i tell him to, but if he didn't put up a fight … it wouldn't be half as good to watch him do it. to know i can MAKE him. powerful is an understatement. i mean okay yeah, it also makes me feel all warm and fuzzy (like an idiot) when he drops shit for me. can't deny it. won't. emotions and stuff, yeah.

so.. apparently neither of us ever have been to mount rushmore. i guess it's more my age but i never really got around to it. i mean, i didn't really care either. fuckin' presidents never did anything for me, did they? fuck them. but still, we drove past south dakota anyway, so might as well. it was.. impressive, i won't lie. huge ass faces in a rock wall? yeah. i'll have to try using my powers to attempt something similar one day. might be fun. can't imagine humans having done that though, not without help i guess. i dunno. it's just fucking huge.

so uh, i think we're like halfway across the country now? it's crazy to think you could drive from east to west in a few days. such a huge-ass country and yet. i mean, we're taking a lotta detours so we're taking longer. i'm in no rush i think, but still curious.

as for emotions and thoughts. uh, well, had a bit of both up top. emotions are fine. i'm like.. really good. no bad thoughts this time. the drive's been quite pleasant and the motel we slept in had a pretty comfy bed. no complaints.

nico's got something planned again, he let something slip at mount rushmore that had me think hard and thoroughly. it's sus. i'm curious, but i won't tell him. i'll wait for him to spill or show me. i might be gone for a few days again, but surprisingly enough i don't really… feel bad. i mean, sure i feel a little anxious when i skip days, but once i took a moment to remind myself it's OK… it is.

yeah, it's OK.

[thoughts-onmars]

morning

Hello

Good morning Mars. Just another self care day. I love typing on this computer tbh and I love having this space. I really did this. We really did this. Sometimes I am like wow I really live in this state.

When we went to the rockies, it was soooo mf beautiful. How would it be living in a small mountain town I wonder. I would need to get my money up or have a business. I wonder how much it takes to run a business. Just a small 10K loan lol probably even more. I would say I have ideas but I should be doing more than just thinking about opening a business. I need to create a menu and find out about all the licensing it requires.

There are cute concepts of like smaller owned coffee/bfast on-the-go business' that I have seen on youtube. It's cute bc its like a bike and it opens up to a coffee place. So simple and it works. Is it successful? I mean it is on youtube. It creates the aesthetic. Maybe I should buy a camera? Like a camcorder and start recording my life and my hikes and what we do and just upload them.

Anyway back to the Rockies, it was SOO beautiful. So stunning. I am grateful now as an adult that I was exposed to altitude and hiking at such a young age and now as an adult it really is part of my life. I enjoy dedicating a day that is spent outside, breathing in the clean cold air and taking in all the sights. Just a lucky gurl, but not really because I had ambitions of a life like this <3

I still want to maybe move one more time but after being in the Rockies, that place placed a spell on me and I don't want to move away from CO. JP did mention moving more up north and I think I would be down. I would just have to transfer to the newer building that is up there because I am pretty sure he would just stay in Superior.

This work week was super lame. I have been feeling frustrated because I feel like I am the only one that cares about my job on the team I am in. Because of this I almost have felt like crying because there is no effort given by those around me and it effects me in that way. I am just an emotional bishhh lol like I am so annoyed and bothered that I feel like crying at work sometimes. Then I just breathe to try and relax and regulate and that helps. Since I have been missing my family also, when kids come around in their cute soccer uniforms, I get a little sad because I miss soccer saturdays way back way when Alice would have early saturday games and then sometimes we would go to the store with my parents or we would just to my crib or I would go to work. Sheesh that was in 2017.

I have plans to go home for Thanksgiving and it would be my 3rd time coming home this year. I feel like I already typed this. A lot of my thoughts are the same thoughts or maybe I am typing too often. Who knows and who cares bc it is me and my thoughts hehehehe. Flights are super pricy though, like 300 almost 400. The other day they were around 140 and I thought that was too much. I do want to go home because I do want to see all my nieces and I haven't even met my nephew and he is already 2! I need to hold a baby!!!!

Thats it for today. I already broke sober october but I nEED to remind myself how awful I feel the next day that I drink and how I have disrupted sleep when I drink. Last night I didn't sleep that well and I KNOW it's because I drank more like 3 beers lol like 4 or 4.5. I NEED TO DO BETTER. DO BETTER MARS!! Just finish the beers in the fridge today so that there are no temptations later in the week lol mary logic. okay PEACEEEE

[thewritersaddictions]

2023: Eddie Munson- Episode 7 History

Pairing: Eddie Munson x OC!Lilly Miller

Pov: Eddie Munson ; Lillys

Warnings: 2023, Past being brought up, lots of tension, lying, Jason Carver is still a dick, running away from the relationship, crying, leaving someone behind, crumbling relationship, ruining relationship.

Summary- Eddies dark and deep history is thrust upon someone telling Lilly all about 86’ 

A/n- firefly-graphics for dividers

WC- 4.9k

Stranger Things Master List // The Adults Master List // 2023 Series Master List

A whole month spent working and going over classes for my GED. An early friday morning at the end of October and even though I hate the sound of my seven in the morning alarm I still ended up shifti ng and making my way off of the couch. I’ve tired hard in the past month to completely and utterly ignore what happened at Steve and Robins, but some things are hard to ignore. I make me way towards the back of the trailer the bathroom empty and ready for someone to turn on the lights. Taking the morning slow. 

Getting ready for work is probably the easiest thing I done since getting here. School was hard and working my mind at night while all day I thought of Lilly and the cars that needed to be finish before the end of the day. Lilly was all I could think about, and what Steve and Robin had said when they stopped by to annoy me with their stupid comments on my growing relationship with Lilly. The longer I stay with Lilly the more I realize just how much I know I’m falling for her. I turn on the kitchen light. 

The sun isn’t even up, and as much as i hated waking up for school at six thirty in the morning. This is something I don’t mind doing everyday. I like waking up and brewing two cups of coffee for Lilly and I, making breakfast for the both of us. I make breakfast almost every single morning, Lilly days don’t start until later in the morning. She sleeps as I make myself a cup of coffee and sip it while I make breakfast. This morning is no different, pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast bring down a cup for her to use. 

Doubles of everything litters my own plpates as hers gets wrapped in some allium foil and get’s put into the microwave, and she knows the drill. Her coffee sits in the pot waiting to be used until the morning sun is a little higher in the sky. I move my plate and cup towards the kitchen table taking the little bit of time I have left to work on some much needed english. I sip at my coffee and read through the problems shoving my face full of maple syrup pancakes. Eggs and bacon splatter and fall to the table. 

I start to hear shuffling, but I know that she’s not up yet to early still for sleeping beauty to be up and smelling fresh coffee, so I take the few moments I have left to do something special. The longer I think about Lilly the more I realize just how much I’ve started to care about her, and that’s honestly hard for me to understand or even form into words that would makes sense. I put my empty plate into the sink and gather a pen and a few index cards. Chewing on the cap. How to express myself. 

The words aren’t clear in my head, so I shuffle through my papers on the kitchen table and bounce my knee. I think about how much I enjoy spending time with her. I think about how beautiful she is, how whenever I see her my heart does summersaults in my chest. I chew at my lip and then something comes to mind. The reason why I enjoy her company, the reason why her beautiful makes me wanna run and hide is because I’m in love with her. I love her and it’s funny how you realize the simplest of things. 

I grab the pen and a pink index card. The first time I write the pen is shitty and the ink isn’t fully there on the card. I grubble and crumble the card before throwing it towards the trash can. I use a piece of scratch paper and make sure for the second time that the pen is in working order, this time it is. I use a different index card this time it’s a vibrant blue color. “It’s been forever that it feels I’ve known you. I felt that it’s now or never, so I say I love you.” 

My handwriting it sub par at best. Letters going from cursive to normal letters. The words are choppy in some places due to my own hand, or the pen I’m not sure I can tell. I stare at the blue index card, thinking for only a few seconds. I could be late just one day, the old man wouldn’t get to mad. I think about where I should put her note, and her laptop sits infront of me. I slip it into the middle between the screen and keyboard. I grab my cup and go for another cup of coffee. 

Before I go knock on Lilly’s door, I grab a coffee cup and fill it to the brim with sugar and coffee creamer and grab Lilly’s plate from the microwave. “Now or never.” I mutter the words to myself as I walk towards her closed door. I knock once and a second time, the third time Lilly is mumbling nonsense through the door. But one phrase is clear. “Come in.” I smile at her soft morning voice. “I brought coffee and mostly fresh breakfast for ya.” I stand in the doorway. I haven’t looked at anything other then the plate. 

“Eds, come in I said.” I hear the bed shift, and when I look up. The smile the makes my cheeks hurt grows quickly. Her room is so different then the rest of the trailer, it’s so different then how I remember it looking when I was mine so long ago. Star string lights are pinned from each window and all over the ceiling, posters litter the wall of her favorite bands, clothes are scattered across the floor and that feels normal. The walls are colofrul and popping off the walls, greens, blue, and pinks. It’s Lilly to a T. 

The smell of weed, and like vanilla perfume mixes in the air. It makes me feel like I’m floating on cloud nine. I look around towards her furniture. Candles sit on the edge of almost single one of them, and the wax dribbles down the sides and puddles are on the shag carpet. “Sorry for the mess Eds, come sit.” She says patting the empty side of her full size bed. ‘I can smell the bacon on your clothes.” I laugh as I sit down next to her. “Your room is so you sweetheart.” She blushes and takes the plate. 

I watch as she eats which would be creepy, but she doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. Her hair is tied up in a messy, and loose bun, her eyes are wide but tired. As she eats she snuggles up to my side. The smell of food whafts back into my sense and the smell of coffee brings me back to being alert. I can feel the fast pace of my heart as she snuggles deeper into my side. I notice her phone, “Shit I’m really late now!” I move quickly kissing her forehead. “I’ll see you later sweetheart.” 

I manage to grab the keys to Lilly’s sedan and make my way towards work. The whole way towards the Auto body shop all I can think about is how pretty Lilly looked this morning, how she snuggled up close to me, how I finally grew a pair and walked into her room. The sudden realization that I had kissed her forehead ‘while not being drunk’ and ‘called her sweetheart’ hits me strong that I end up break checking the whole couple behind me. I had not meant to do it like we were together, like we were a couple. 

–

The coffee has cooled down and the plate that sits on my lap is now empty. I have to get up from bed sooner rather then later and get ready for work. Without Eddie in the house the entire vibe changes. The house goes from bright, and loud to dull, and quite. He brings something so nice and peaceful to the little abode that I have. It was always so very nice for him to make breakfast and wake me with food in bed. I wonder if Eddie knows just how much I love and enjoy his every day company. 

I gather my plate and cool down coffee and bring it out to the kitchen, placing my cup in the microwave and heating that up while I went back into my bedroom and got dressed for the day. My bladder screamed at me while I was halfway through picking an outfit, so I went to the bathroom and then I got distracted by the dirty counter so I clean that. Then I made my way back to my bedroom and got dressed for the day. Winter weather was outside not inside, so I grabbed jeans and a yellow flower top. 

The beeping of the microwave caused me to leave my bedroom with my socks in hand. Coffee hot and steaming in hand I moved my thoughts and body to the kitchen table. Eddies side was cleaned off and his paper were stacked in the right order. He was doing well, really well at his GED, and it was like he didn’t have to worry about grades nowadays. I look at the stove clock and it’s nearly eight in the morning, so I flip open my laptop. Distracted is my middle name, so the vibrant blue index card is just enough. 

Shitty handwriting that starts in cursive and somehow ends up in the normal letters shape. On one side it’s simply my name. “Lilly” The other side written words are different. “It’s been forever that it feels I’ve known you. I felt that it’s now or never, so I say I love you.” I hold the index card in my hand, and my mind floats back to this morning. Eddie bringing me breakfast in bed, me snuggling close to his warm body, and then how he kissed my forehead softly, and rushed out calling me sweetheart. My heart burns for him. 

I wonder even as my alarm on my phone rings out and reminds me to get to work. I wonder about weather or not Eddie remembers how much of a fool I had acted at his friends house. How I had settled in his lap, and how I had kissed him, how I had whispered dirty things into his ear. I wondered if he remember it like how I remembered it, or if he had just stuffed it deep down out of his thoughts for forever. I let the alarm ring off a few more time as I dreamed away. 

Finally the alarm brought me out of my dream, and naughty thoughts. I got up and turned it off, walking back to the the kitchen table and getting to work. My laptop screen had gone dark from not being intracted with. I logged into work, and got into the first meeting of the morning. But for the entire meeting all I could think was what Eddie was doing, what was he thinking about me. Was he think about me? I really hoped he was, because I was thinking about him. I got up during my lunch break and texted him. 

“I got your note” I typed out, but shook my head and deleted the words. “Thank you for breakfast in bed and the blue index card Eddie.” I texted him, not fearing so much about what Eddie would think. A few minutes the phone read that he had seen it and then three bubbles showed up, I got a text back. “I’m glad I could make your morning start off great, I hope you know that I wasn’t lying in that blue index card.” I smiled down at my phone, my stomach growled with hunger pains. “Do you want lunch?” 

A few emojis came next through the text chain. “LUNCH WOULD BE GREAT!” In all caps letters, I laughed even hard. I got up my lunch break was longer then I remember my high school allowing for a bunch growing teens. The kitchen was a mess by the time I packed both bags. A simple sandwich, a can of coke, along with a bag of chips. I heard the sound of a car against the gravel. Eddie in the drivers seat. I smiled and notched my head to the side. “Came to have lunch with my favorite girl.” I nodded. 

I retreat back into the trailer and wait until I hear the strom door open and close. I pull everything out of the paper bags, and set them up in our usual spots. “I’ve got like thirty minutes for lunch.” Eddie mumbles as he sits down at the kitchen table across from me. The sandwich, chips, and coke sit out on the table waititing. Eddie kicks off his boots shoving them by the door. Eddie sits and lunges for his food. Shoving at least a few bites into his mouth before opening the can of soda, and the plain chips. 

“I’m working on this beautiful ‘65 mustang. Blue and so bright. It just needs a new brake line, and some new headlights.” Eddie rambles on with food falling from his mouth. I munch along on my peanut butter sandwich. I listen to him ramble on for what seems like hours, but in reality it’s just until the sandwich is gone in his hand. “So, did you like your breakfast?” He asks, bitting hit lower lip. I smile as I set down the sandwich, “I enjoyed it very much Eds, but I liked your note a whole lot more.” He blushes. 

As quick as Eddie is pulling to the drive way and sitting down to eat lunch, Eddie is pulling on his work boots, and driving away all over again. He waves goodbye as I wave back at him. With it being already late afternoon I know that I have to get back to work sooner rather then later. I settled back into the uncomfortable seat in front of my laptop screen. I do about two or three more zoom meetings and a work load that’s far to big for just one person. But the knock at my door distracts me. 

Nobody normally knocks on my door unless I’ve order something from the great amazon, or if I have to sign for a parcel. But I was pretty sure that I didn’t have anything coming to the house, so I’m more then hesitant to open the door. Work is over now, so I’m not in the mood for a door to door sales man. I open the front door, the storm door locked and the only thing protecting me. An older gentleman stands on my porch. ���Hello Sir?” I ask, Maybe the old man was lost in this large trailer park. 

“Heya Ma’am, you don’t know who I am, but I think you should know more about your roommate.” I can feel my face contort into utter and complete confusion. “What are you talking about sir? I think you might have the wrong house.” I mumble out. My grasps on the door handle only grows tighter. Was this old man watching Eddie and I, watching my home. Fear bubbles in my chest, the old man chuckles. “I know what I’m talking about, that mister Eddie Munson.” I start to feel more fear and panic seeping into my bones. He smiles creepily. 

Wouldn’t I love to learn more about Eddie… Sure, but not like this right? I look down at my watch, three thirty it reads, Eddie doesn’t get back for several more hours. I’m stuck here, or I can call the police but I have a feeling this old man doesn’t mean any danger. “I have a story, the truth to tell you. By the way the names Jason Carver. It’s nice to meet ya.” I’m even more hesitant. The screen door is the only space between us. The older women across the road come out, “Oh dearie you have visitors.” 

Mrs.Knoll has always been so sweet, so I nod through the storm door, “Oh Mr. carver what are you doing in this neightboorhood?” She yells out even if her voice is a gone with old age. “I’m here to talk with this young lady.” Mrs. Knoll nods, then starts to mumble to herself. “I used to give her the daily paper when we were both much younger. I’m still hesitant but to have my neightboor know who this older gentleman is was very comforting. I unlock the storm door, “Why don’t you come in from that cold Mr. Carver.” 

He stands in front of the door while I step back to back space for him. He’s all but hesitant to walk in. Taking in the space like he owns it. He’s a tall man, and looks like he might have played sports in his younger age. He’s still spry. “You can take off your shoes, would you like a glass of water?” I ask moving far from him and into the kitchen. “That would be lovely.” I bit at my lips and grab a glass filling it from the sink. When I come back he’s sitting in Eddies chair. 

I take the glass of water to the living room, he follows me with his eyes, and then finally gets up from Eddies spot at the kitchen table. He’s so much taller especially now that I’m sitting down on the lounge chair in the living room. He clears his throat and then takes a sip of the water. “So what do you wanna know about your roommate Mister Eddie Munson?” Mr. Carver asks, as if I was the one that walked up to his front door claiming to have information about someone important to him. “A few things will do.” 

He laughs, I try to hide the uncomfortable feeling that is growing in the pite of my stomach. “Just a few things.” Mr. Carver chuckles, “How about I tell you a little bit more then just a few things.” We stare at each other for a few moments, a few seconds. “You know you look a lot like my girlfriend from high school.” Mr. Carver mumbles, “Do I sir?” I ask, wondering why that’s something he’d bring up. “You do, but she was um… she passed away a long time ago now.” Mr. Carver, “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.” 

The conversation lulles to only the breathing between the two of us. Then he asks me an odd question. “Do you really want to know the whole story?” More confusion coarse through my veins, “Yes.” I answer hesitantly. “Eddie Munson is a horrible man.” Well that’s a great fucking start I think to myself. “How… How dare you walk into my house and say that about someone.” Mr. Carver chuckles, and takes a short sip of the water. “You must think of me as a horribly rude person, but I promise you it’s not me you have to worry about.” 

My blood is boiling but then Carver starts talking. “Eddie and I went to high school here in town together. At that point in my life I was just trying to get along with everyone, but your sweet Eddie Munson made my life a living hell. He’d activly start fights with me, and cause so much more drama then was ever needed.” “Personally I find that hard to believe.” I hold my ground, anger passes through the older mans expressions. “He was at that point a leader of a cult of some sort had all the young freshman apart of it.” 

I stare at the older man in awe. “You’ve got to fucking kiding right?” I ask not caring about my language, Mr. Carver stares at me with his mouth wide open, like I had plunged a knife into his heart. I’m starting to get the feeling that Mr. Carver was a bully in his time at Hawkins high. “It was said that he was not only apart of a clut that he ran, but he was also a stantist.” He says it like i’m supposed to be scared or shocked. I cross my legs, “I don’t think so Carver.” 

He grumbles, “Okay, Musnon sold weed and drugs to kids at Hawkins High.” Carver says as if he had won a fight with the last punch straight to the face of his opponent. “Mr. Carver I think you don’t realize that I also smoke weed.” I whisper the last part, “I don’t give a shit what Eddie did before I met him, and anyways I met his wonderful uncle. And I highly doubt an old high school bully knew anything about him.” I said with a calm tone smiling. He sighs, “I wish I didn’t have to tell you this.” 

“What are you taling about now? Huh did he take your girlfriend from you cause she didn’t wanna deal with such a fucking dick.” I huff out, “Well I wouldn’t say I was a dick, and anyways Chrissy and I were a perfect match. The jock and his cheerleader.” I roll my eyes at Mr. Carver words. “But you aren’t wrong, Eddie did in fact take my girlfriend from me, took her after the championship game at our high school brought her back here to sell her drugs and then murdred her right here. She was handing from the ceiling.” 

My hands being to shake, looking for the lies in Mr. Carvers old face. “Wh…What are you talking about?” I manage to ramble out. I rest my hands on my jean covered knees. The sweat pouring out of my palms. “So he really hasn’t told you anything?” He asks with a low chuckle behind his words. “He brought my sweet girlfriend to this very trailer, broke her bones and strung her up like a piece of artwork for his uncle to find the next morning. Then after that he went on a killing spree. Killing kids and my good friend.” 

We sit there for a silent moment. “You mean to tell me that Eddie Munson who wouldn’t dare hurt a fly killed your girlfriend and two others” Mr. Carver nods, all of this was hard to believe. It was a crazy thought, but then I remember the damn gapping whole in my ceiling just a few months ago. That was crazy at the time. “This is the truth?” He nods, and then Mr. Carver got up, but not before taking the last sip of his water. “You just be careful around him miss. You don’t know what he’s capable of.” 

I have a hard time believe the first two things that Mr. Carver rambled off about. Eddie had been truthful about his drugs, and how much he really did enjoy smoking weed. You had to dumb to not know that most people were smoking in the eighties and ninties. Then you ahve the cult laeder bullshit that Mr. carver was talking about. Being a cult leader took a hell of a lot of people, but it sounded more like D&D. Eddie had talked about getting back into it recently. I had even done a paper on the whole thing. 

Written it pretty well cause I got an A on it in one of my college courses. The public at that point was fearing everything, war with Russia and the war on drugs had only been over for a few years. The public needed something to latch on to, so the fear of their childrens mental health it wasnt, rather the dangeroius games they were playing. Newsweekly took it has far as calling it “D and D; The Devil’s Game.” I didn’t care about that, rather that Eddie and Wayne never said a goddamn word about the murders that happend. 

– 

The drive back to the trailer park goes by quickly, not the second half of work had not after having lunch with my girl Lilly. She had texted earlier that day and asked about lunch then I remember that I had her car, so I drove the 15 minutes back to the trailer park just to have lunch with her. She was a smiling mess when she went to walk about the door and saw me. When I had to return back to the work I was horribly upset, but then yet another beautiful car came rolling into the garabe.

After a few hours another car came rolling up for a simple oil change was simple enough. The driver was an older women and she tried her hardest to flirt with me but I had no want or need to flirt with her especially when I had such a beaiutfil girl waiting for me at the trailer. All I had to do with get back to the trialer and finally tell her just how pretty and just how much she was always on my thoughts. Though the older women had tipped me well for the simple work I had done. 

So I drove home with excitement soaking through my bones, and not being able to hold myself together any longer to see Lilly and her beautiful smile. It’s late when I hit the gravel road that leads into the trailer park, The lights are all off in the trailer and worry hits me, Lilly had looked fine ealier that afternoon. I shut the car off grabbing the keys, and unlocking the storm door and house door. When I got into the trailer Lilly wasn’t in the living room, or in the kitchen cooking something. It was dead silent around me. 

The only thing I can barely hear is the sound of her music playing in her bedroom, I walk slow and light on my feet after disposing of my work boots. I knock on her bedroom door even though its ajar, nothing comes out. So I ask into the darkness. “Lilly, are you alright?” Still nothing, so I wonder if she’s asleep. Then I hear her groan, so I nudge the door open just enough to get a glismpe of her curled up in the middle of her bed. Sher must feel me staring at her. “I am fine Eddie.” 

She sounds anger, and short with me. But I’m not sure as happened in just the few hours from when I saw her last to now. My heart sinks, further and further the more silence radiates off of Lilly. I think a few things that she might need, but won’t dare to ask someone to get for her. “Can I get you something, sweetheart?” I ask into the cold air. She turns quickly flipping of the soft covers, “WHY?” She yells, “So you can kill me like you did Chrissy Fucking Cunningham?” I stand there shocked, and the fear bubbles. 

“Yeah I can do fucking research, it’s not that fucking hard. All you have to do is search up cult leader murder Hawkins Indiana.” My hands behing to shake the louder Lilly gets, she pushes me from her bedroom doorway all the way into the living room. The firs thing that comes from mouth is “How’d you learn about Chrissy?” I ask, sineraly ask her. She rolls her eyes dramatically, “I had a surprise fucking guest come in talking about all the horrible things you did and you were in high school.” I shrug, “Jason Carver!” She shouts at me. 

I shake my head, “Jason Fucking Carver, you’ve got to be kiding me right? He was my high school bully for christ sake.” “Yeah that’s what I thought, but then you take his girlfriend and BRING her here and murder her, and lets not get started on the two others that you murdered. What’s wrong with you?” My heart is skipping beats and not in the good way. Hands still shake, Lilly turns to turn on a light. She looks as if she’s been crying for hours, tired and worn out. “Why would you believe him?” I ask, yet another roll of her eyes, “Because you haven’t told me shit Eddie, nothing you won’t tell me why you fucking fell through my ceiling, or what happened before that! So why not believe not him.” Lilly shouts her eyes wide looking straight into my soul. My hands brush through my sweaty tangles, and I stare at her for a only a few moments, before I bit my lip and look towards the ceiling. “You… Of course you remember you just don’t wanna talk about it! Why?” She yells more, I grind my teeth as I try to push back the tears. 

“You need to leave.” After a moment of silence that’s all Lilly says to me. “I need a few days to think, or whatever,” Lilly mutters mostly to herself as she walks back to her room slamming the door. So now here I stand in the half-lite room my chest burning and my voice sore. I can Dustin first but no response, so I text Steve, ‘Code Red’ and then call him, he answers immediately. “Eddie?” “I need you to come pick me up from the trailer park. Lilly is…’ I stare at the door waiting, yearning that she comes back out, but nothing. ‘Eddie, what’s happened?” “I’ll explain when you come and pick me up I need to stay with you for a few days.” I end the call and grab the few things I have dropping Lilly's keys and slamming the front door and storm door, waiting for Steve to come and pick me up at nearly eleven at night. 

Completed on: 05/25/2023

Posted on: 06/03/2023

The Adults- @yourfavdummy @mothermirkwood

[wid0wing4dummies]

Hello Friend

I feel like I'm spiraling again. I started this entry with a purpose and I kind of feel like I jut need to word vomit onto this page.

-I feel like I'm an awful partner to my first partner because of proximity.

-My home life is smothering.

-Existential dread. (lots of existential dread)

-My work life sucks.

-My work life balance sucks.

-I feel like a awful pet parent.

-I have such high hopes for my second partner that I find myself slipping into past habits that were harmful.

-I'm trying to mend a relationship with my biological father.

-I feel like I'm not moving fast enough in my life.

-My second partner scares me in the best way possible.

-I'm experiencing Jealousy that I've worked so hard to grow out of.

-I'm getting fat again.

It's just so much that's happening that I feel so miserable.

My first partner is utterly amazing. He's smart, funny, loving, and when we spend time together it's like nothing is wrong and nothing has changed. Even though I check in with him often to make sure he is receiving everything that he needs from me. And he says he is. I hope he's not just being modest. I'm genuinely excited to see him tomorrow for Dungeons and Dragons. I have to work on my balance between him and Steven. (As much as I want to spend every waking moment with Steven.)

My parents (My mother in general) are treating me like I'm a teenager and I have no idea how to express how annoying it is. Even though I tend to pay devils advocate and see both from each side. I am eternally grateful for how much they do for me and taking care of my puppy but I still feel the weight of being at home constantly.

I absolutely loathe my job. There are times where I feel like I have fun when I'm able to fix something and times where I am utterly bored out of my mind. I die a little bit every time I have to say welcome to chase. I'm also heartbroken at the realization that I feel like I have waisted time trying to get my degree and the credits I have earned don't count for anything. I can't wait until October to make parole from Chase.

I have no desire to do anything. I spend most of my day working and when I get off I am mentally exhausted. I spend most of my time disassociating and scrolling tiktok. I have at least found some comfort in self care of playing video games.

My Baby is a little terror sometimes. When we're alone she is sweet as pie. When she is distracted it is an utter problem and everyone looks at me like I'm not trying. I need to devote more time to myself and her because it honestly isn't her fault. I just feel so drained all the time.

I want my second partner. I want to live with him in a house with a picket fence and our dog and live happily ever after. However we live a non-monogomous lifestyle. And it's terrifying to me because it's so new that I don't know what that looks like. When I ask him what he can see in the future he simply just replies - "You." So I feel like he feels the same way I do but the uncertainty triggers my fight or flight. It triggers me wanting to cocoon myself and protect myself at all costs. I have to work on letting go and leaning into the what ifs and what could be. I have to learn how to just feel exactly what needs to be felt then instead of trying to be super woman with super feelings. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable but I can't lie and say that I didn't hate every bit of it. Not because It wasn't what I needed at the time but it made me feel weak and out of control. And I'm not sure what to do with those feelings just yet. Even now as I'm just feeling my feelings at the moment I just feel overwhelmed - but I guess it's just a positive thing that I'm able to let it out in this way.

I finally had a decent conversation with my father. It went well, and it seems like he's trying to make amends. But I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I take things for what they are and actions definitely speak louder than words. I feel like I have been let down far too much to feel any different at this time. It brings me joy and equal sorrow to listen to him be a parent to my sister. It just makes me wonder about the what ifs. But at 32 I feel like my time is over and has been for a while.

I feel like at this point I should be farther along. I try not to compare my journey to anyone else's but it's a very hard work in progress. The fact that I still have 2-3 more years in this degree is so painful to even think about.

I met my second partner's partner. She's very nice, however I can't help but feel different. I felt the same way about my first partner and his wife and it passed. Simply because the reality of our relationship is that it can't go any further that what it is now. He has a wife and a family. I am just a supplement to his life. My second partner is different. he has the potential to be my husband, partner, and to build a life together. I feel like this is why it hurt so much to watch them interact intimately with each other. It needs more unpacking but I have no reason to feel this way. My second partner has done nothing but reassure and make me feel loved and cherished but am I not mirroring exactly what he is doing with my own partner?

Which leads me to my next bulletpoint. I have dug deep back into the ethical slut for answers. What am I missing that makes me feel this type of jealously? He checks in regularly when he is with her, He tells me good morning and good night, he makes plans with me and misses me when he's gone and is transparent. (You know - having this type of dialogue outloud does help.) I need to figurer out what kind of love I'm missing. (Maybe some self love?) Maybe getting back into a groove of working out and having some me time will make me understand myself better. I want to start looking back into pole lessons. It will be a good way to get active again.

I feel a little lighter upon writing out my feels. I say I should do this more often but I never make it a more regular thing. (I guess that's the lack of motivation speaking)

Til later?

-T

[extravaguk]

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: But above all things, the last thing you expected to happen when you came back was to show your tits and get pierced by none other than motherfucking Jeon Jungkook.

Jeon Jungkook. Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

wordcount: 15k

genre: summer!au, ex high school classmaters, kinda frenemies to lovers, tattoo artist!&piercing artist!jungkook, popular!reader

rated: m (fluff - smut - angst)

warnings: you broke jungkook's heart you bitch!! , oral sex (m&f), protected sex (shocking tbh), CL as your bestie it doesnt get better than that! idk i dont wanna spoil too much

author's note: fucking finally dude!! i've been writing this since february but school was kicking my ass. now that i finished my exams and mercury is in gemini i was able to finish it. if you read this, i hope you enjoy it!

Inkphoria

You've been standing outside the shop re-reading the word for fifteen minutes, although it definitely feels like it has been longer. You're gripping the flyer too tightly, rumpling the paper in your hand until you're pretty much sure it's ruined. It's the first day of June, and it's already too hot. The sun and humid weather are causing beads of sweat to form in your hairline and your white tank top to stick to your skin. Your jean shorts didn't feel this uncomfortable a few hours ago and you're sure the heat is causing your mascara to transfer to your eyelids and lower lashline. You've never needed a slushie and a smoke this bad in forever, even if you knew the later would make your parents lose their shit.

Inkphoria

You read it again. Your brain is trying to guess what font its written in, an excuse to try to steady your heart beat until your nerves ease a little and you can finally gather the courage to step into the damn shop. You've noticed a few people passing by giving you strange looks because maybe it hasn't been fifteen minutes. Perhaps you've been unmoving like an idiot in the middle of the street for longer than you want to admit.

Chaelin's voice echoes inside your head.

'Its not that much of a big deal. It's not even that painful, trust me.'

You wish you could trust your best friend, but your best friend is also the same woman who assured you Cats was the movie of the year. Yes, not 'Cats: The Musical'. 'Cats', the movie.

'And this could be a great start to get out of your comfort zone and start living your life exactly the way you want to, not the way people expect you to. Not the way your family wants you to, not the way Adam wanted you to.'

But although her credibility could sometimes be questionable - like that time she also told you she'd tried marmite and 'honestly, it's not as bad as people make it out to be'-, you also didn't trust anybody in this world as much as you trusted her. She had always been your entire support system, the only one around you who never sugarcoated, who always treated you as an equal, who was always there for you to help you discover yourself and, at the same time, remind you of who you were.

'And it's gonna look so hot, too.'

That's it. Sticking the wrinkled flyer on your back pocket, your feet finally start moving. It doesn't take longer than three strides and you're pushing open the door.

The first thing you notice is that, thankfully, the shop is empty. The second thing you notice is the bright sky blue walls, a green undertone peaking through. Your eyes scan nervously the interior. Frames with tattoo designs and people modeling other different designs decorate the walls, some skateboards also hanging from the ceiling. A few plants in the corner, and two leather couches on either side of the room. Your scanning stops on the counter, where a girl with short, platinium hair and -what you guess is- the eighty percent of her body inked. Face included. She's been looking at you, a smirk tugging at her lips. Her tone is amused when she speaks

"Hi." she says. "You can come closer, you know? We don't bite."

Great. As if you couldn't feel more out of place, apparently you also couldn't look more out of place.

"Sorry." you gulp as you walk forward. "It's my first time doing anything like this."

She laughs this time, but it's not mean. It's not mocking, thank God, and the smile she sends you is as warm as the weather, friendly, luckily helping you calm down a bit. "A virgin, huh? JK's gonna love this." your eyes jump in surprise, but she's fast to wave her hands in front of you. "Just a joke. So, first time getting a tattoo. You have something in mind, honey?"

"Um, no. Not a tattoo. Not yet, I think." you wet your lips, regretting not reaplying chapstick before stepping inside. "A piercing."

"Oh! Cool!" she claps her hands, too excited for your own taste, pulling from under the counter a catalogue. "So, where will it be? Cartilogue? Nose? A lot of people are getting their septums pierced right now, though, so you might-"

"Nipples. Like, one of them."

Her gaze finds yours in surprise, although her face swiftly transforms again into an amiable expression. "Now, that's badass. Alright!" she skims through the pages of the catalogue until she finds the nipple piercing collection. You scratch your head before wiping your forehead sweat-free. "You can pick either barbells or hoops, although barbells heal faster and they don't move around as much. There's different kinds of metal, too. Gold or platinium. If your skin is sensitive, I recommend titanium. It's hypoallergenic and not as problematic."

The blonde keeps talking as you nod your head, a smile making its way into your face while silently thanking her for her easygoing personality. It quickly makes you feel comfortable and stupid for being so terrified of doing this.

Once you decide, settle on the cost and sign the papers, she stands up from the stool she'd been sitting on. "Ok, I'll go tell my coworker. He's been sketching tattoos all morning, it's time he gets to work!" she laughs, but suddenly your smile banishes and your throat shuts down.

"He?" your alarmed tone halts her motions and she looks back at your frightened expression.

He? A he is going to pierce your nipple? You're about to let a random stranger, a HE, see and touch one of your boobs and then pierce a needle through one of your nipples?

"Oh, baby, don't worry. I'd do it myself if I knew how to, but I only do tattoos. Most of our staff are on summer vacation so it's mostly just him and I. If you don't feel comfortable, which is totally understandable, you can wait until september when Minzy comes back and she can do it for you." It's her turn to scratch the back of her head as she adds: "but trust me, we're professionals. He's not a creep or anything like that. He's been doing this for a long time. He won't cross any boundaries."

September? You won't even be here in september. Fuck.

Sure, you could do it when you move back into the city. But this summer was supossed to be the summer. You already decided after your breakup with Adam that there would be no trace of the old you. That it was time to push yourself, to do the things that you've always wanted to do, unapologetically. To find the new you, the real you. To stop being scared.

So after going through you options for a few seconds and taking a deep breath, you make up your mind.

"It's fine. I can do it."

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"JK, sweetheart!"

Jungkook is finishing drawing a Chinese dragon when Mijoo opens the door without knocking. Again. He puts the pen down, rubbing his eyes. It's monday, a slow monday, not much work, and he had hoped it would stay that way until closing time. It's summer and Jungkook hates summer. He hates the heat, he hates being drenched in sweat, and he hates the fact that he can do nothing about it. Because working in the summer is terrible. Summer makes him lazy, makes him want to bathe in a tub full of iced water and not get out until he turns into a raisin and october comes. It makes him irritable. Summer makes him annoyed by people -like Mijoo, even if he loves her to death- and himself.

"I got a girl here who wants a nipple piercing, her first piercing by the way, so get your shit ready and bla bla bla. Straight titanium barbell. Also, don't flirt and don't be creepy. She almost ran away when I told her a male was going to be touching and piercing her tit, be mindful of that. She's too cute, if you want to get her number you should wait until it's done. I think that's it. I'll bring her in in a minute."

Mijoo leaves as fast as she talks, but Jungkook is already used to it. He's already used to the headaches her mouth causes too. He sighs before standing up, tying his too-long raven hair into the best bun he can manage. He washes his hands, sets the table up, sits on the chair and puts the gloves on. He's too busy sterilizing the jewerly when Mijoo comes back with you.

"Alright, my babies. I'll leave you to it." she turns to you. "He'll explain everything, from how the process will be to how to take care of it after it's done." she leaves before saying bye, closing the door behind her, and then he finally turns to you.

Your eyes meet and suddenly everything stops. He almost drops the sterilizing machine, his whole body tensing, going into panic mode as he recognizes you immediatly. His hands shake.

Of course he does. Of course he recognizes his high school crush. The too goody two shoes, too pretentious and too rich, too good for everybody and, most importantly, 'too good for Jeon Jungkook' girl of his high school dreams. Of course he recognizes the girl he had confessed his stupid crush to when he was sixteen. Of course he recognizes the girl who rejected and broke his young and foolish heart when he was a dumb teenager.

It doesn't matter that six years have passed ever since. He still knows every lock of your hair like the palm of his hand. He still remembers the shape of your lips and the exact shade of your eyes. He can still identify the body he fantasized about -and jacked off to- when he was a hormonal teen, now filled in all the right places. Now a grown woman.

Just one look at you after years and years of pining is enough to almost make him faint. And grow a boner under his jeans.

And by the look on your face, your eyes wide and your mouth agape, you recognize him as well.

Dammit.

He schools his features and clears his throat. Forces his body to relax and compose himself, because he's not a teenager anymore. He's also a grown man, who has matured, who now has much more experience with women than he did back then. He had already embarrased himself enough when he was sixteen to be doing it all over again. You're just another attractive girl in a sea of attractive women.

He turns to you. You still haven't said anything. Neither has he.

"Um, you can sit on the table." he manages, motioning to the set up in front of him. He watches you taking doubtful steps until you're sitting down, your eyes avoiding his gaze. He almost forgot you were here to get pierced. Holy shit, you were here to get pierced. To get your nipple pierced.

You're a professional, Jungkook. You can do this, Jungkook. You've seen boobs before, Jungkook. You've pierced nipples before, Jungkook.

Clearing his throat again and forcing his hands to stay by his side, he speaks. "The... The top." your gaze finds his, like a puppy about to get scolded. You look at your top, realization dawning on you. "You don't have to take it off. You can just pull it down."

So you do, pulling the straps of the white tank top down and dragging the fabric down with trembling fingers. No bra. Jungkook gulps as your breasts comes into vision. As perfect as he had imagined years ago. His cock twitches. Round, full, perky and so damn inviting he has to hold himself back from latching onto one nipple with his mouth around it and swirling his tongue over the nub until you're a pretty, moaning, little mess on his piercing tabl-

He closes his eyes for just a second before reminding himself to act like the 23 year old Jungkook he's tried so hard to become. The confident, assured Jungkook he is.

"Okay, this is how it'll go. First I'll clean it and scrub it to get rid of any bacteria." he's so glad he hasn't stuttered yet. 23 year old Jungkook doesn't stutter like 17 year old Jungkook. He's also glad he can pick the alcohol bottle and the surgical scrub without trembling. When he faces you again, you're watching his motions with your lip caught between your teeth. That has him swallowing the lump in his throat.

Making eye contact with him again, you take a deep breath and offer a small nod, so he gets to work. He can show you and himself he's a grown man. A grown man who can pierce a nipple without appearing like it's the first time he's seen a boob in his life. The sooner he does it, the sooner it's over.

Jungkook wets the paper towel with alcohol before carefully wiping over your nub with it. Your back arches, probably from the cold feeling, he guesses. He rubs it a few times before throwing it in the trash can nearby. He avoids looking at how enticing the soft peak is salluting him when he reaches for the marker. He doesn't say anything when he dots it with it, jaw clenched and his dick painfully stiff.

"Lay back." his voice low as he commands, turning away to get the clamp. When he slides closer, he tries to ignore the view: you, with your hair sprawled and your sweaty, shiny skin and your eyes focused on the cieling, nipple fully erect, like the star of one of his most erotic dreams. He extends his free gloved hand before he can stop himself, fingers carefully working the nub until he's sure it's painfully hard. Almost as hard as he is.

You gasp, your back arching again. He stills and looks at you, your cheeks flushed pink. Probably from the heat, he guesses again. Or at least that's what he tells himself. He can't stop himself from wondering how responsive would you be in a different setting, most likely his bed while his teeth play with your breast and his cock dives into-

"You okay?" he studies your face, your eyes not meeting his and instead still focusing on the white ceiling.

"Mhm." you reply with a small voice.

"Relax, alright? It'll be over soon." his voice is as gentle as he can, his fingers mindlessly caressing your breast to try to soothe your nerves. Or maybe it's just because he's a selfish bastard. Whatever it is, he forces himself to bring the clamp to your nipple, securing it around it.

"Take a few deep breaths. This will only take a second of pain and then it will go away." He misses the way your mouth falls open, but he doesn't miss the way your eyes squeeze tight as the needle goes in.

"Ah!" he definitely doesn't miss that either. He goes rigid for a second, because that didn't fucking sound like a cry of painfulness. It's breathy, and whiny, not too loud and, for fucks sake, if that's how you sound when you're getting fucked, he swears to God-

He feels your heartbeat under his hands when he puts the barbell in and then the bandage over it. He takes a look at you, chest moving up and down. And then you take a look at him and what he sees is almost enough to take you right there.

Reddened cheeks, drops of sweat framing your face and those eyes glazed with something he's seen too much in the women he's fucked throughout his life. They're half lidded, mascara adorning your long lashes and almost smudged, looking right through him.

"Jungkook..." and your voice, as you say his name -acknowledging him for the first time since you stepped into his shop, for the first time since you were sixteen-, it's hoarse, almost inaudible, like you just came all over his-

He's on his feet in an instant like he's been burned. "It may bleed for the first week, and it can be really sore. The swelling will eventually come down." he's quickly tidying up the table, a bottle in his hand that he hands to you without looking directly. "Wash it gently with this soap and warm water once per day. Don't touch it. Wear a comfortable...bra. If it gets crusty, clean it with saline. Not alcohol or any other thing you might clean a wound with. The soap I just gave you or saline. Nothing else."

He's pacing around the room as he takes his gloves off and throws them in the trash bin, too agressively maybe, then he keeps rambling, like he's hurriedly trying to make you leave as soon as possible. "Avoid pools and the sea. It takes about six months to a year to heal, so don't... don't touch it, don't play with it or..." he clears his throat, "don't let anyone else play with it. And if it gets infected, come back immediately and I'll take a look at it." which he honestly hopes it won't happen. When he faces you, your top is back on and you're getting off the table.

"Alright, um...I'll do that." clearing your throat, your hand gripping the doorknob. "Thank you."

But right before you can exit the room, Jungkook says your name.

"_____." when you turn around to face him, it takes a few seconds for him to make eye contact from across the room. "It was good to see you."

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"Let me see!"

It's the first thing Chaelin says when she opens the door to her appartment. It's on the second floor, small enough to compare it to most expensive appartments you'd stayed in throughout your life, but big enough for Chaelin, her cat and her -impressive- collection of acrylic nail kits and pairs of high heels. It's also big enough for her to offer you the only guest room until summer is over so you didn't have to, one, stay at your parents' place, and two, find an appartment in a short period of time for a short period of time.

When you left years ago, you did so with the thought of 'never looking back'. You never really expected to return here, of all places. Maybe visit your best friend for a weekend at most, have dinner with your parents on a saturday and then go back to the new life you'd made for yourself on a sunday.

But that was before you'd caught Adam cheating.

Tale as old as time: childhood sweethearts get engaged, move in together, son of a bitch sleeps with the assistand he told his girlfriend not to worry about, and then the brokenhearted girl packs her bags and leaves the cheating bastard begging for her to come back.

You'd be lying if you said you were surprised.

Throughout your life, you'd learned to expect many things, regardless of being sheltered and babied by your family since you were born. Watched too much Maury and Dr.Phil. Too much Gossip Girl to know what the deal with life really is.

So, thankfully, you'd only shed a few tears, mostly because your ego and self steem were slightly triggered. You'd realize long before that your feelings for Adam started to disappear once he popped the question and you said yes. Your love story began as teenagers but soon after graduating, the two of you went on different paths: you'd matured, grown into your twenties while he got stuck at 17 and never stopped acting as such.

So yeah, whatever, break ups are hard. But they're not as hard when the love is gone and the sole reason to stay with your partner is to please your parents. You were also right when you expected your mom to tell you to 'forgive and forget' because 'those things just happen, it's not a big deal, honey'.

But above all things, the last thing you expected to happen when you came back was to show your tits and get pierced by none other than motherfucking Jeon Jungkook.

Jeon Jungkook. Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

The lanky nerd with braces, glasses and an anime obsession much bigger than his hentai obsession, which is saying a lot. The shy, awkward classmate who'd stuttered his undying crush for you when you were just kids. That one who you had rudely rejected like the bitch you used to be in high school.

But my God, Jeon Jungkook was anything but a kid now.

You were shocked. You were gagged. Couldn't seem to fathom what was happening and what your eyes were seeing. It took you a while to close your mouth when you realized JK was Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

With messy black hair, a smoldering gaze free of glasses, piercings adorning both ears, and his right eyebrow,, the braces long gone showing perfectly straight - but still bunny like- teeth. The clothes he wore were loose, all black, but it was impossible not to notice the muscles of his back and arms, covered with tattoos from his hands to his forearms. You'd bet there were more of them underneath the fabric.

It was awkward at first. You didn't know what to do, or what to say. Didn't know if he rememberd you. So you chose to stay quiet while your body chose to react like it had never been in the presence of an attractive young man in it's entire life.

And oh, did it react.

He was reluctant, his old timid demeanor peeking through his newly adopted persona. But as soon as those hands came in contact with your skin, your whole body was lit on fire. Like you were 16 and losing your virginity over again and it was the first time a dude touched your boobs.

There shouldn't have been anything erotic about it -besides the fact that your entire breasts were exposed-, it should've been just a professional procedure. But those gloved fingers touched and pinched and suddenly you were too aware of Jeon Jungkook and the way you were starting to sweat profously, not due to the heat of the season.

You tried to distract yourself by looking at the cieling and not at his gorgeous face. Tried to avoid thinking about Jeon Jungkook and how his mouth would feel wrapped around you. Tried not to think about the way your panties were a second skin to your folds, and how tempted you were to grind your hips until you recieved some sort of friction with the jean fabric of your shorts. You wonder if he noticed you squeezing your thighs together. You hope not.

And then the needle happened. You never thought of yourself as a particularly kinky person. Sex with Adam was boring for the most part and you'd lost your libido for a long time. Stopped thinking about sex altogether. But the pain. The pain mixed with his hand rubbing soothing circles on your breast and his voice, as sweet as honey, guiding you through it. It made you reconsider a lot of things you'd once dismissed as 'weird' or 'deviant'

You swear you almost came right on his table.

And then your eyes connected, you made the mistake of calling his name like a satisfied woman who still needed more, and it was all gone. He stood up like a scared cat, gave you a bunch of explanations about the aftercare that you barely grasped without even looking at you and pretty much rushed you to leave.

So you walked, all the way from the tattoo parlor to Chaelin's appartment, mortified, and completely humilliated.

"Are you gonna let me see or not?" your friend says expectantly as you finally sit down after chugging a glass of iced water. You sigh, placing the glass on the table before carefully pulling down your top. "Oh my God, it looks so cool!" she gasps and you can't help a smile while she studies it in amazement. "Did it hurt?"

"Um, I guess." you keep out the part where you almost orgasmed, obviously, stopping her hand from touching when she reaches towards you. "Wait, no. He said something about not touching it for like six months or a year, I don't remember."

At that, Chaelin's eyebrows quirk up. "He? It was a he? Was he cute, at least?"

"You won't believe this..." looking away for a few seconds, you take a deep breath. "It was Jeon Jungkook."

There's a pause, a silence that fills the room when Chaelin's jaw drops. "Jeon Jungkook...pierced your nipple?"

You close your eyes, bracing yourself for what you're a hundred percent sure is coming.

"Ha..." there it is. "Ha ha..." you still know there's more. "Ha ha ha..."

Chaelin laughs hysterically for about God knows how long, while you keep drinking your glass of water unfaced, your mind drifting back to Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie, his tattoos and his stupid gloved hands.

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You know he's here.

Everything was cool, you were doing alright, having a great time with your vodka sprite in hand and your cute white bikini on. Chaelin was by your side, the guys were excited to have you back and thankfully, you'd avoided most questions about Adam and they'd avoided digging too deep into the topic. You'd sunbathed the whole afternoon, kept away from the water like he'd told you and ate the Hawaiian pizza Yoongi insisted on ordering despite Namjoon's and Jimin's complaints.

It's at night, when you're a little tipsy and your cheeks are flushed, that you feel it. You'd barely noticed Taehyung disappearing to let in a new guest.

You don't see him, but you feel him.

You're sitting on the pool tile steps, legs dangling and the water baely reaching your belly to make sure it doesn't touch your very sensitive and newly pierced nipple. Your back is facing the sliding glass doors of Hoseok's house, but the moment you hear his voice, smooth but animated as he converses with Taehyung, your body wakes up immediately, back straightening, goosebumps forming on your arms and nipples tightening against the fabric of your two piece.

You don't turn around, instead opting for downing the remaining of your drink and coming to the realization that, of course, Taehyung, social butterfly who'd always got along with everybody and remained friends with most people from high school, still keeps in touch with Jungkook.

You ignore him when he enters the pool, still peering from the corner of your eyes while pretending to be engaged in Chaelin's and Jihyo's conversation. Your mind sabotages you by taking you to that day a week ago at the tattoo parlor.

To the warmth of his hand, to the few strands of hair that his small ponytail couldn't keep together, to the way his eyes focused on such an intimate part of your body, to the endless ink decorating his skin, to-

Great. Now your bottoms are wet and not due to the water.

You don't miss Chaelin supressing a laugh and her not so subtle elbowing. You glance at her in warning and try to keep calm for the next fifteen minutes until Jin proposes moving to the living room to watch a movie.

"I'm gonna stay here for a little longer, guys." you say, after clearing your throat. You needed some time to gather yourself before being in a confined space with Jungkook.

"Are you sure?" Jin stops by your side to place a hand on your shoulder as everybody starts exiting the pool. "It's Mean Girls! You love Mean Girls! You never miss a minute of Mean Girls!"

Rolling your eyes, you wave him dismissively. "I know every dialogue on Mean Girls like the back of my hand, I think I'll be alright, Jin."

When everybody finally leaves, you take a deep breath, covering your face with your hands in an attempt to get him out of your head. Damn Jeon Jungkook and his irresisitble glow up.

"You okay?"

The unexpected voice startles you, a gasp finding its way out of your mouth and causing you to jump on your seat, heartbeat erratic as you instantly recognize who it belongs to. Your hand grasps your chest as if that would do anything to protect yourself against him.

"Shit, don't do that!" you say, the words almost getting stuck in your throat as you see him approaching you, still submerged in the pool. The more he nears you, the less water depth there is and the more visible his torso comes into view. Wich was exactly what you'd been avoiding.

Because Jeon Jungkook was ripped, as you'd imagined when you first encountered him.

Broad shoulders and strong biceps and chiseled abs and veiny forearms. Drenched hair, a full sleeve of tattoos and water dripping from delicious tan skin and all just so very hard. That paired up with a loopsided smile that does nothing but make you shudder.

"Sorry." he doesn't sound apologetic at all when he says that, the smirk adorning his features telling. "You just seemed a little off." you advert your gaze when he pushes his hair back.

"I'm fine, just...just wanted to be by myself."

"Oh" Jungkook's smile disappears. "I can leave, if you want me t-"

"No!" you're not sure where that comes from and neither does he, judging by the look on his face when your eyes find his. Eyebrows raised and mouth slightly parted, he's as surprised as you and there's an awkward silence for a few seconds. "Um, you don't have to. I mean, it's not my house, you can do whatever you want." you sniff and tame your voice, trying to seem cool and collected like you didn't just practically beg him not to go.

Ironic, considering this was exactly what you had been fearing for the past thirty minutes.

And then he smiles. A knowing smile. A smile that says 'you just totally checked me out and now you don't want me to leave'. A smile that you would have never associated with Jeon Jungkook of all people years ago. A smile that makes you want to look away but still keeps you in place.

"Sure." he says, closing the space between the two of you slowly but still leaving enough distance. "So, how's it going?"

You clear your throat, head high and determined not to let this man, or any man for that matter, turn you into a trembling mess. You're still you and you're not easily shaken by the opposite sex. Or at least that's what you helplessly chant in your head.

"Everything's cool. I'm on summer vacation now," a little white lie, "so I decided to-"

"The piercing." he says, the smile never leaving his face. "I meant how's the piercing."

"The pier- right." you almost miss the step he takes forward, all too aware of his height over yours but thankful for the centimeters that being propped on the stairs added to yours. "It's-" you almost, almost miss his knee touching your knee and him slightly separating your legs with his own inch by inch. Or how your thighs open unvoluntarely to welcome him in and how you can barely find coherent words to speak. "It's doing-" or the way his smile disappears and is instead focusing his dark stare fully onto yours.

"It's doing well." you finally say in a whisper, not being able to bring yourself to be louder.

He hums. "May I see it?" Jungkook wets his lips with the tip of his tongue and the action and his voice is enough to make you nod your head, bewitched.

His movements are unhurried, his hand coming up to tentatively come in contact with the flesh of your clavicle. His fingers skim through your skin upwards, his touch is feather-like when it wraps around your throat. You pant, and he stops but he doesn't move away, his eyes still focused on yours, studying you, daring you to pull back, to tell him to back off. But just a simple touch of his and you're fully under his control. It reminds you too much of the day you got that damn piercing.

Your lips are parted and for a moment he stays just like that. His body so close to yours but not close enough, and his hand slightly gripping your neck. Your pussy clenches around nothing and you can't wrap your head around the fact that something so simple sets your entire being alive and leaves you aching.

Then, as slow as he started, his hand travels from the front of your neck to the back, pushing your hair aside to carefully untie the straps of your bikini. He breathes through his nostrils, doesn't make a sound. He seems so collected it's starting to annoy you.

Instead, your breathing is ragged when the top falls down, exposing both your breasts to him. That's when he removes his eyes from yours and his jaw clenches. Your nipples perk up under his gaze, like they remember him and the effect he had on them just a week ago. You're at least glad you're not the only one affected but he seems to be a master at keeping it under wraps.

Then, his hand moves again, leaving goosebumps on your skin as it goes south. Jungkook takes his time, so deliberate you want to scream, until he's cupping your pierced breast, keeping away from the nipple just like he'd advised you a few days prior. You can't look away from his face, from his eyes observing you like you're a full course meal and he's been starving for days. You feel drops of water falling from his hair to your thighs, his thumb caressing your skin so delicately as it faintly nears your still tender nipple. Just nearing it, never touching it.

"Beautiful." his murmur is almost imperceptible and for a moment you think you've imagined it. Your back arches on its own, breast pushed against the palm of his hand, almost like your body is begging him to come closer, to touch you more, to feel you all over. He meets your eyes briefly, gauging your reaction, before going back to your chest. Suddenly, the grip on your breast tightens, fingers ever so softly squeezing your flesh. From your throat comes a mewl, your eyes shut and your legs close around his waist.

"Jungkook, please..." you whisper when you open your eyes. He looks at you, unvertainty written all over his face, lips bruised as if he had been biting on them too hard, gaze as glassy as yours. And just like that, the spell is broken. He blinks and his expression changes completely. Lips forming a straight line and jaw tight. His hand retracts, fixing your bikini top over your breasts before tying it around your neck like it originally was. Meanwhile your eyebrows crunch in confusion. But when you're about to start asking questions, he clears his throat.

"It's healing okay." he steps back, avoiding your eyes. "I'll see you inside."

Jungkook leaves the pool like nothing happened.

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Jungkook is fiddling, fixing the position of his glasses and combing through his straight hair with shaky hands, habits he's tried so hard to get rid of in his sixteen years of existence but still finds impossible to.

He can't help it. He's always been like this: the quiet and awkward kid in class who sits in the back, a misunderstood puppy in a sea of stronger dog breeds that could eat him alive. An outcast. Too geeky for his own good. Notebokes full of Dragon Ball doodles on the margins of the pages, the shelves in his room stacked with Marvel figurines, and a closet filled with outdated clothes that he has been inheriting from his older brother.

He has never been the type to stand out, always being overlooked by people like he's invisible. He doesn't mind though. He'd much rather be ignored than getting picked on by bullies like he used to in elementary school.

He never gets invited to parties. Ever. He's a nobody who barely speaks, and when he does he either stutters or manages to embarrass himself in one way or another. He's seen the look on people's faces when they look at him. Their eyes seem to scream 'weirdo' everytime he gets acknowledged.

So obviously the only reason he was invited to this particular party had a first and last name: Kim Taehyung. The only kid in Jungkook's entire life who didn't look at him in a funny way, the only kid who took the time to entangle in a random conversation with him after class and who seemed geniune enough to make Jungkook feel comfortable.

He's not sure how it happened, since Taehyung mostly hangs out with the cool kids. But somehow it did, and now Jungkook is uncomfortably standing in a living room full of drunk teens, looking directly at you.

You, the one girl Jungkook had been pining on for God knows how long. You, who are obviously too pretty, too popular, and way out of his league. You, with your plaid skirt and your polo shirt and those legs that never seem to end. You, who are sitting with your friends in a couch, drink in hand and visibly tipsy. And yet, he doesn't think he's ever seen anyone pull of the 'drunk-rosy-cheek' look better than you.

He can hear your laugh through the music and he already thinks it sounds better than whoever is playing in the background.

"Come on, Gukkie! Her friends are leaving and she's all by herself now! It's your chance" Taehyung's obviously drunk too because it took Jungkook a while to decypher his exact words. He'd disappeared for a while and now that he's back, he's pushing Jungkook in your direction.

"This was a mistake, Taehyung." Jungkook shakes his hair and steps back, quickly glancing at the front door to prepare his escape. But his new friend's grip on his hoodie keeps him in place.

"Guk, listen. The only thing you have to do, is walk up to her, and say 'hey I think you're, like, really pretty. Just letting you know. Bye!' That's it. Jung- Dude, Guk, seriously, look at me." Taehyung grabs Jungkook's cheeks, squishing them between his hands and forceing him to face him. "You've been crushing hard on her for years, my man. We're graduating and you won't see each other again. What's the worst thing that can happen? Getting rejected?"

Jungkook's eyebrows draw together. "Um, yeah?"

"Exactly! Getting rejected is not the end of the world, bro! It just means keep trying on other girls!" Taehyung releases his hold on Jungkook's cheeks. "I just think you're going to regret not telling your crush she's your crush. Who knows? Maybe in the future you two will get married."

Jungkook snickers, muttering a 'yeah right' under his breath. Still, he can't help the smile that Taehyung's words always seem to pull out of him.

"Now," Taehyung playfully slaps Jungkook before turning him in your direction again. "Go get 'em, tiger!"

"Okay," Mijoo's voice slices through Jungkook's memories. She's sitting on Jungkook's desk, munching on her brownies and looking at her coworker expectantly. "And then what?"

He sighs, running a hand through his hair, sits back on his chair, already feeling the effects of Mijoo's baked goods. "And then I walked up to her, like a damn fool, stutter and all. And I say:" he clears his throat, making an effort to do his best teenage Gukkie impression."'Hey, _____, um, so, I think you're beautiful and I've had a crush on you since seventh grade, haha, just wanted to let you know.'"

Mijoo rolls her eyes, still chewing. "And then what?"

"And then she looked me up and down, giggled, fucking giggled, Mijoo, and said 'Who are you, again?'" Mijoo gasps and Jungkook closes his eyes, trying to force that recollecion out of his head.

"What a bitch." she can't help but laugh before apologizing. Jungkook merely shrugs his shoulders and takes another bite of his brownie. "She didn't say anything else?"

"She said something along the lines of:" he clears his throat again, this time, doing an impression of you. "'That's sweet and all but, you and I... we're not the same. And I have a boyfriend, so...' She said that like I didn't know, like I wasn't aware of the school's it couple! Like I was dumb!"

Mijoo nods. "And now you want to fuck her even more than you did in high school."

"I- No! Well, yes. Fuck, of course I want to sleep with her! But I just... can't."

"Why not?"

"Did you hear anything about what I just told you or were you too concentrated trying to get high?"

It's Mijoo's turn to roll her eyes. "I heard everything you just told me. I just don't understand what the problem is. You two were sixteen. Sure, she was a bitch about it, but Lord knows I've been a bitch my entire life and now I'm not anymore." Jungkook raises an eyebrow at that. "Okay, sometimes I can be nice. But the point is..." Mijoo finishes her piece of brownie before getting off of Jungkook's desk. "It's been, what? Nine? Ten years? People change, JK. You're the best example of that. You want to fuck her and she obviously wants to fuck you too. You're both adults." she wipes her hands on her shorts. "I think it's time you fulfill that high school fantasy of yours."

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You've made up your mind.

And by you, it means Chaelin has made up your mind.

It didn't take long to convince you though. That last interaction with Jungkook cause too many emotions stirring within you. It left you hot, it left you bothered, it left you confused. Sure, it also left you a little bit embarrassed like the first time, but above everything else, that interaction with Jungkook left you absolutely livid.

Because who the fuck did Jeon Jungkook, formerly known as Guk, Gukkie, Jungukkie, and currently known as JK, think he was to come near you, speed your heart rate's up, and then runaway like that?

You've spent days thinking about it. About that face, about that body, about those hands and- shit. You're doing it again.

You've spent days trying to push those intrusive thoughts. Spent days trying to bury what happened. You've spent days trying to keep quiet, not telling anyone about it and just wishing that stupid spark of desire simply went away.

But it has just been simply unavoidable. You haven't been able to ignore the sleepless nights with your brain drifting back to that night and forbidding your hand from slipping under your panties. Or the excessive amount of time during the day where images of him suddenly popped in your head and wouldn't go away, even with you squeezing your thighs to try to make the ache go away.

So you ended up ranting and ranting and ranting to the only person you could confide on, who is obviously your best friend. Your best friend, who's too smart for her own good and knows you too well for your liking. Because apparently your moodiness and snappy remarks couldn't go unnoticed.

And after explaining the fiasco over a bottle of wine -and minutes of endless laughing on Chaelin's part because, again, it's Gukkie you two were talking about and, according to her, this was "the most karmic thing I've ever seen"-, she gave you the best advice an older sister could ever give.

"Fuck him."

"I know right? Fuck him!"

"No. I mean, fuck him."

And now here you are. Right inside that room you stepped in weeks ago, confronting the man in question with the same confidence that has always distinguished you from others and trying to act like the fluttering inside your belly wasn't nauseauting.

"A date."

"Yes."

"You want to go on a date with me." this wouldn't be so hard if Jungkook didn't look so delectable in a plain white t-shirt and ripped jeans. You cross your arms over your chest, doing your best to not look down at the exposed skin of a man who obviously worked out a lot and apparently, never skipped leg day. "What's the catch?"

He's sitting on his chair, back resting comfortably and legs spread, narrowing his eyes at you and probably wondering why the girl at the front desk let you in without an appointment. Also, probably wondering if there was a catch to all of this.

"There's no catch. I just want to go to the fair this weekend. I'll ask Taehyung for your number and text you the date and the exact place we'll be meeting. Unless..." your quirk one of your eyebrows. "Unless you're already planning on how you'll chicken out this time."

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Of course, Jungkook says yes to going on a date with his high school crush but spends the following days overthinking every single thing.

He can't help but feel like it's kinda sketchy. What if you're planning your vendetta on him? What if you don't even show up and he ends up there looking like a damn idiot? What if you hate him and are just messing up with him? What if that incident in high school is going to repeat itself?

"If she doesn't show up, you simply move on and never speak to her again. It's that simple. She can't have that much power over you to cry about something like that." Mijoo had said that same day she let you in the tattoo parlor after you'd asked to see Jungkook. Jungkook's coworker hadn't even question you and just motioned you to Jungkook's room with a knowing smile on her face. Later that day, Jungkook had scolded her about it and she'd simply shrugged.

He considers cancelling, eyes reading the 'won't be able to make it, sorry (sad face emoji)' over and over again and fingers hovering over the send button so many times he's lost count. But then he remembers that comment of yours about him chickening out and Jungkook starts seeing red.

How couldn't you understand he's just terrified of you rejecting him one more time? Sure, Jungkook is now an adult who doesn't get butthurt over stuff like that. He's experienced too much after graduating from high school and he's a much stronger individual than his fragile self back was back then.

But something about you just makes him feel so... weak.

He still finds it impossible to concieve where he got the courage to approach you like that at Taehyung's pool, or how he brought himself to touch you for longer than a minute without coming in his pants. He'd enjoyed it too much. Allowing him to see you so exposed, just for him. He'd be so tempted to kiss you right there and then, to run his hands up and down your thighs and fully wrap your legs around him to let you known how much you'd affected him. Once you called his name, it was like he'd finally snapped out of it and backed away like he'd been burned by you. He spent the next twenty minutes trying to keep himself from pulling down his pants and jerking off in his friend's bathroom.

It's terrible. Because he feels like the teenager he used to be when you're around. Shy, insecure and overall a mess. You showing up in his life after so many years and now apparenly being interested in him seems like a dream that he's not sure he wants to keep being in or wake up from before it's too late and he falls back into that tumoltuous longing that will inevitably end up in heartbreak. His heartbreak.

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It's saturday night, he's standing by himself in the crowded fair at the spot. You're fifteen minutes late and he's already about to turn back and dip out. He feels too awkward and the nerves are eating him alive.

You're not going to show up. You're not going to show up and now he feels and looks even dumber than the time he told you he was crushing on you. You're not even going to show up and now he's going to come back home, get drunk by himself and curse your name for-

"Hey!" he turns around to the sound of your voice and sees you running towards him. "Sorry I'm late! I couldn't find my phone and spent like thirty minutes looking for it. Turns out, Sharon Stone, was taking a nap on top of it and I didn't even notice."

"Sharon Stone?"

"Chaelin's cat."

To be honest, he's too surprised to process your explanation right away. He might also be a little speechless because that sky blue sundress looks too good on your skin and your eyelashes are so long, framing your beautiful eyes, and your lips are all glossy and kisseable that it takes him a while to find his own voice.

He clears his throat. "It's alright." scratching the back of his head, he momentarely adverts his gaze from you in an attempt to not get distracted by how soft your hair looks and how much he wants to wrap it around his hands in a ponytail. "Um, where do you want to go first?"

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Almost an hour and a half later, when the sun has already disappeared and you're both surrounded by colorful lights, Jungkook decides to buy the both of you hot dogs and a drink and you both settle down on a bench.

You've been walking all over the fair, going from booth to booth, playing any game in sight Jungkook dared you to -he obviously had a competitive streak-: from the ballon and dart games, to the shooting games, to the bumping cars, to the ball-in-basket one. To say you were having fun was an understatement.

You'd almost regretted setting the date up. You were sure he wouldn't even show up and if he did, you were scared of how awkward things could get between the two of you. And if things were awkward, you were sure it would only take less than thirty minutes for the both of you to part ways and never talk again about such failure of a date.

To your surprise, none of that happened.

The conversation was flowing, both of you acting like you were strangers on their first date getting to know each other, which, to be fair, that's exactly what it felt like. There was a slight banter, teasing each other when one of you lost in whatever game you were playing while the other was obviously winning. There were laughs and a funny feeling in your tummy whenever you'd walk side by side and his arm brushed yours.

There was no stiffness on his shoulders, no mention of the past or your previous encounters, no acknowledgement of the blatant sexual tension you'd experienced before, not an ounce of avoidance whenever your eyes met his and he was even sure of himself enough to place a hand on your lower back or briefly interwine your fingers with his to guide you through the mass of people.

It felt like you'd both unspokenly agreed on making each other feel comfortable enough to have a good time.

"I didn't think you were going to show up, to be honest." you suddenly say, taking a sip of your strawberry juice and thankful to finally let your feet rest for a while.

Jungkook looks at you, hot dog mid air and eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline. "You didn't think I was going to show up? I didn't think you were going to show up." you simply shrug, lowering your gaze seepishly, the beginning of a smile on both your faces. He surprises you by tilting your head in his direction with his forefinger. You watch him watching you, a little dazed, a little lost in how his dark hair messily falls over his forehead and his equally dark eyes study your face, his thumb swiping over your lower lip. "You um... There was ketchup right there." he lies.

"Oh" you say, feeling your face heating up. "Thanks. Red doesn't really match this dress." you manage a smile and tuck a lock of your hair behind your ear.

At that, he eyes your dress for a moment, mouth slightly ajar. He's debating on whether or not to say something but you beat him to it.

"I'm sorry, by the way."

"For being late? I already told you it's fin-"

"No." you shake your head. "For... that time when we were young and I was such a concieted brat." you say, looking away , trying to find anything else that's not his pretty face. "I thought I was a queen bee back then. I was annoying and rude, specially to you. I..." you lick your lips. The cherry glittery gloss was already gone. "I thought it was cute, what you said. There was no reason for me to act like that. I know this doesn't make anything right but..." when you turn to face him again, there's still the same expression on his face. "I'm sorry."

A few seconds go by before it's him who's shaking his head. "It's okay. It was a long time ago, anyway." he smiles at you, although it doesn't reach his eyes and seems sorta forced. You sigh, and he takes your hand. "Let's go to the ferris wheel."

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tell you're tense. You're sitting right beside him in the ferris cabin, your back is all straight, you're facing forward and he believes you haven't blinked for what feels like an eternity. He thinks it has everything to do with your conversation a few minutes ago. You were probably not content with his response but what could Jungkook do? There was really no point in apologizing for something that happened years ago, but at the same time, he didn't want to hold anything against you like a resentful asshole because it was really not who he was. But there was still a little bit of stingyness inside of him and he didn't know how to make it go away.

At the end of the day, here you were, on a date with him that you'd asked for, getting along and asking questions about him and laughing at his jokes and trying to start all over again.

But then the ferris wheel starts moving, and he finally understands why you look so uncomfortable.

It's the way you immediately grip his forearm, nails digging in his skin and he swears he hears the smallest gasp forcing itself out your throat.

"Are you... scared?" he tentatively asks.

You say nothing for a while, not moving an inch. He would laugh if you didn't look so pained about it.

"I don't like small confined spaces nor rollercoasters." you finally say through gritted teeth.

"It's not really that small and ferris wheels are not rollercoasters. " your nails dig deeper and he winces. "Okay, okay. You don't like small confined spaces nor rollercoasters, and that includes ferris wheels. So why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. I've never liked ferris wheels but you seemed excited about it, so..."

There's a silence after that in the environment, neither of you exactly sure of what to say or how to act. Until Jungkook moves one of his hands hands until it's resting on the one who's holding onto him for dear life, fingers caressing yours. The warmth of his hand spreads through yours and although it's almost July and you can already feel your sweaty back staining your dress, it's oddly comforting. What's more comforting even, is him twisting his body towards you and talking with the calmest and most soothing tone you've ever heard.

"Look at me." you do instantly, unwillingly, and kinda wish you hadn't. It's almost as if your body will do anything he says without question. Like he has some sort of power over it to just react however he wants. His eyes bore into yours and suddenly the cab doesn't seem so suffocating. "It's just you and me right now. We're not even on a ferris wheel." the corners of his mouth turn slowly upwards. You zone out the environment, suddenly too aware of him and how close he is and how loud the beating of your heart is to your own ears.

"Jungkook."

You swallow the knot in the back of your throat when he removes his hand from yours. It almost makes you protest, - now realizing you've losened the tight grip on his arm- , before it craddles your face, keeping you in place while bringing his body closer.

"You have to stop saying my name like that."

With his thigh touching your thigh, your whole demeanor melts. When he leans closer, and you feel his breath fanning over your lips, your eyes shut closed.

"Tell me I can-" he starts to say.

"Yes." you finish for him. He doesn't doubt on closing the distance between you two. His lips touch yours and your body shakes in excitement. It's just him lightly skimming your lips with his but it's already too much and at the same time, not enough. It has you deepening it, yourself moving closer when he kisses you again. It has you relaxing against him, the tenseness prior disappearing and making you arch your back when his tongue asks for permission.

But it's exactly then, the moment you open your lips to him, that has you losing your mind.

The sparks fly, traveling from your head to your toes and then settling on the pit of your stomach as soon as the kiss starts to turn desperate and rough. When he nibbles your lips with his teeth, it makes you mewl and whine and your nipples tight against the cotton of your dress. It makes the metal barbell to feel uncomfortable, slightly painful. And when he goes back to being messy and filthy with his tongue tangled with yours, your thighs close on their own.

He forces himself to pull his hand back and bring it down, finding the parting of yd opening them for him. "Wait," you say, your fingers wrapping around his forearm as you try to catch your breath."The ferris-" he shuts you up with another kiss.

"We're not on a ferris wheel." he reminds you, a soft whisper against your mouth. And for whatever reason, you believe him.

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"He fingered you on the ferris wheel."

"Yes."

"And you came before the ride was over."

You take a small sip of wine, your eyes focusing on the TV where a rerun of the Golden Girls is playing, although, to be fair, lately you haven't been able to pay much attention to anything else but a certain brunet with doe eyes and kisseable lips. "Yes."

She hums, stealing a handful of popcorn from the bowl between your thighs.

"How long did it took? Like five minutes?"

There's a pause in which you clench your jaw, your fingers twitching around the glass in your hand, and then you answer. "Probably less."

There's another pause, and then-

"Ha...Ha ha...Ha ha ha-"

You let her laugh. It's okay. You knew you had it coming.

Chaelin knows the pillow you throw right at her face is also something she had coming.

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It's not that you're mad.

Jungkook and you had a great time on that fair date, he made you laugh, bought hot dogs and drinks for the two of you and got you off inside the cab of a ferris wheel on record time with those magical, long fingers of his. Technically, there shouldn't be anything to be angry about.

Except it's been a week and you can't stop thinking about him, about wanting more, and about those words that he left you with after the ferris wheel ride ended, when you had tried to return the favor.

'Next time, maybe.'

And there hasn't been a next time.

The thought of texting him or giving him a call to ask for another date is persistent in your mind. It remains while you do the laundry or wash the dishes, while you shower, while you eat or while you spend your days at the beach with Chaelin. There's always the incessant desire to reach out towards your phone, unlock it and dial his number to beg for more.

But you'd never been one to beg, so you resist the urge everytime that feeling starts to creep up on you and it washes over you like a wave. You silence your phone and try to concentrate on making the most out of your summer.

It's one random night, when you're tiredly dragging your feet across Chaelin's apartment's carpet, yawning and ready to succumb to a well needed slumber, that you see your phone screen's lighting up with a message.

Your heart pathetically leaps inside your chest when you read his name.

'you free on saturday?'

You wish you could say you ghosted him, ignored his text and moved on with your life until it was him who begged you for another date. But the truth is you opened it in a matter of seconds and typed 'i'm free, why?' back in a rush with trembling fingers.

So now you're on the passanger seat of his car while he sits on the driver seat, the first saturday night of July, like he's Danny Zuko and you're Sandy Olsson, watching a vintage movie in a drive-in theater which plot you don't give a shit about, even if Jungkook's date plan idea made something inside of you churn with adoration.

And the only reason why you don't give a single damn about the movie playing in front of your eyes, is because you're hot. Way too hot. And the reason and cause is none other than the boy-now-turned-man sitting on your left.

You barely exchanged words when he picked you up, just rode in silence until you got to your destination and you bet he can feel as well as you do the tension in the air.

You've surveyed him a few times from the corner of his eye, noticing him fiddling with the rings around his fingers and shifting in his seat from time to time. And if the sight of his fingers bring memories that you've tried to bury to keep yourself from lunching towards him, a brief glance at his forearms, adorned with ink drawn through his golden flesh -doing a poor job at concieling the veins running underneath- and his skin-tight jeans wrapping those muscled thighs of his is enough to have you be the one squirming in your seat.

A woman can only endure so much, and you come to that realization thirty minutes into the movie.

"I want to suck your cock." you say, a stern expression on your face as you turn your body in his direction.

Jungkook frozes as your voice slides over him. It takes him a couple seconds to look at you, shock widening his eyes and parting his lips.

"Huh?" he manages, his grip on the steering wheel turning his knuckles white.

Without separating your gaze from his, you gather your hair and tie it in a ponytail with the hair tie previously around your wrist. You don't miss the quick glance he sneaks into the curvature of your neck and the valley between your breasts.

Inching forward, closing in on him, you place one of your hands on top of his thigh, the action making his whole body tense. "____..." he whispers your name in a warning that doesn't sound convincing even in his own ears.

You smile, your eyes never wavering from his as your hand inches upwards, slowly caressing over the fabric of his jeans until you finally come across what you were looking for.

His hand flies to your wrist, stilling your movements. "____, this is not-". He starts, but his voice gets stuck inside his throat when you palm his undoubtly growing erection.

"Shh." your shaky breath fans over his cheek and you force yourself on your knees on the passanger seat in a more comortable possition to stop the trembling to reach them.

You fumble with the belt holding his pants in place, then with the button and finally with the zipper. He helps you by lifting his hips to pull his jeans and boxers to his thighs and you have to bite back a mixture between a gasp and a moan at the sight below you. You haven't even seen Jeon Jungkook naked all the way, but the mere sight of his hard cock with pre-cum glistening on his crown is probably the sexiest thing you've ever had the pleasure of appreciating.

It gets sexier when you wrap your hand around the base and his body melts in the driver seat, throwing his head back with his eyes shut. It gets even sexier when you finally lower your head, swirling your tongue over the head before finally engulfing him fully in the wet warmth of your mouth.

"Shit." his voice is tight, uneven as his hand loosely grips your ponytail, as if careful not to accidentally hurt you and break the glorious moment.

Although you wouldn't mind at all. Because the moment your hands are on him, and your tongue is on his shaft, that's the only thing you care about. Your belly is twisting, an undeniable wet spot on your panties as the fabric sticks to your folds, and the more you suck Jungkook, the more you want from him. His earthy taste is addicting and the soft little whimpers he occasionally can't prevent himself from are making you want to milk him until he can't take it no more. There's this desire within you to whorship him and his cock like you had been dreaming for the past weeks.

"This is s-so fucking h-hot." he rasps between ragged breaths, the bobbing of your head, sliding up and down his dick as your hand works the centimeters your mouth can't take is about to make him faint.

"Getting a blowjob?" you joke, your throat starting to feel sore as you kiss his leaking tip.

"N-no." he draws in a rough breath when you take him all of him again. "You giving me a blowjob... T-the f-fact that anyone c-could see us..." he darts a quick glance at your body, your ass up in the air and your dress sliding down, almost exposing you completely. "The fact that-ah! Shit..." he squeezes his eyes when he feels a glob of your spit lubricating him.

There's a sudden need to make you feel the same, to touch your skin and have you shaking the same way you have him. So one of his hands travels from your spine, to your perked ass, finally dragging the cotton of your dress to allow himself to see your thin white panties. "The fact that anyone could see you l-like this," he murmurs, regaining a little bit of control when he squeezes one of your cheeks. "letting t-them see you s-sucking my cock and..." he smirks when he feels you gasping around him, his fingers trapped between your thighs and pushing them inside your heat easily "and letting them see me fingering this pretty little pussy."

Soon after that he's cumming in your mouth while you're cumming around his fingers.

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At first, it's mostly on weekends when you see each other. Weekends of stolen kisses and soft sighs and whispering against each other's lips. Then weekends turn to week days, sitting on grass while sipping on refreshing beverages, drawing each other laughs, elbows touching as you walk around the park side by side because the both of you are too scared to interwine your fingers together.

Jungkook feels content like this: sitting on the sand with you between his thighs, admiring the sunset while nuzzing your neck and inhaling your scent every now. He likes waching you enoying your strawberry ice cream, almost forgetting the chocolate chip one already melting in his hand.

"If you were an ice cream flavor,which one would you be?" you ask him, relaxing against his chest.

"Rocky road."

"Why?"

He shrugs behind you. "Everyone likes rocky road."

You hum, playfully rolling your eyes. "What about me? Which ice cream flavor would I be?"

"Lemon sherbet, in the summer."

"Lemon sherbet? Out of all of the flavours out there, you're rocky road and I'm lemon sherbet?"

"Lemon sherbet, in the summer." he corrects.

"Okay, fine. Why?"

"You're boring and basic."

You gasp, trying to feign outrage but not being able to repress the laugh that escapes your throat. You elbow him, his laugh mixing with yours while taking the time to wrap his arms around your form, the breeze blowing your hair allowing him a spot between your neck and your shoulder. "You're boring and basic, but once you have a taste..." he presses a small kiss on your skin, causing the tiny hairs on the nape of your neck to rise. "Once you have a taste, specially on the hottest day in the middle of summer, you can't stop tasting and licking until there's no more lemon sherbet left."

You suck in on a breath when he craddles your jaw to face him. "It's been my favourite flavor since I was a kid." he kisses you immediately after, his lips swallowing the small whimper now stuck in your throat.

You close your eyes as his tongue opens your mouth, arousal blasting your insides and something much, much deeper that you fear to even name shredding your chest.

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The beginning of august comes faster then you two realize, but what you both do realize is how hard it's becoming to stay away from each other.

It's been thirty days of dates happening almost everyday, sharing high school memories and anecdotes of the time you spent away from each other. Hours of getting to know each other and opening up to each other. From failed relationships to new friendships. Of park dates walking side by side and fingers now interwined because you both realized one day that, fuck it.

It's difficult to sleep when you realize you're starting to catch serious feelings for somebody who was just supposed to be a fling. It's hard to sleep when his face, his voice and his touch and thoughts of missing him when you don't see each other start haunting you at night.

It's hard for Jungkook to focus on work when you're everything that's occupying his mind. Because he has a hundred sketches to make but he's too busy thinking about the hundred different sketches he would make of you.

It's hard not to send him a goodnight text, just like it's hard for him not to reply in a matter of seconds, almost as if he was already waiting to recieve it.

Jungkook thinks of you at night. Of how pretty and absolutely perfect you are for him. Of the taste of your lips, the way your hair feels between his fingers, or the flush on your cheeks when he makes you cum as droplets of sweat accumulate between your breasts. He thinks about your voice. He also thinks about the amount of hours left to be able to listen to it again.

But mostly he thinks about how ridiculous this situation is. Because he was stupidly crushing on you when you were only teenagers, daydreaming about a chance with you. And now his crush is long gone and he's starting to realize that he's falling, and falling fast.

You, too, think of Jungkook at night. Of his ability to bring a smile out of you, to soothe you with just a few words and filling your belly excitement, happiness and feelings you're sure you've never felt before.

Jungkook's managed to imprint himself in your dreams, and you, in his.

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Getting drunk with Jungkook is fun and messy.

It's fun because he lets loose, he stutters a lot like he used to do when he was a teenager and he makes you laugh louder than ever before. It's messy because he has no control over his hands as they explore your body, clumsily taking your clothes off as his mouth laps at the breast he's allowed to touch.

He's more forceful and dominating too, pinning your hands above your head, and commanding you to keep them right there, on the pillows of his bed. When you rebel against it, your fingers finding the hard planes of his chest, he pulls away from you and places them back where he left them. "Don't make me tie you up." he threatens, and your body shudders beneath him.

He sucks, and bites and leaves marks all over your skin, grunting in response to your moans. Creating a path of kisses from your lips to your stomach, his shoulders separating your knees, opening you up only for him. And thankfully, when you reach down to tug at the strands of hair framing his face, he lets you, because he knows you need something to hold on to the moment his tongue eats you up. He leaves his fingertrips on your thighs as he keeps you in place, not allowing you to runaway. Just forcing you to take it as he takes from you.

And when you cum, he doesn't back away. He keeps sucking, and licking and punishing you with his mouth until you're cumming over and ove again, screaming and begging for his cock.

Having Jungkook over you, both completely naked, skin to skin and only sweat in between is more than you could've ever fantazised about. He slurls your name when he puts the condom on. He would do anything to feel you raw, but he also knows he wouldn't be able to last a minute. The sight of you spread open, with your cheeks darkened by a crimson blush and your hair tangled all over his pillow is a picture he wants to keep forever.

He enters you when you call his name, your voice dripping with need. He stretches your warm and wet felsh, slowly easing himself into you at first, until he's fully inside and your bodies are completely in union. A shiver runs down Jungkook's spine when he looks at your contorted face in pleasure, your lips forming an 'O' and your pussy clenching around him.

"Oh, my God." you moan into the dark of Jungkook's room, and even then, he can clearly appreciate every curve of your body lifting off the mattress to connect with his. He lowers himself on his elbows on either side of your head, caging you in and capturing your mouth with his.

"I know, baby." he murmurs. It's hot, in the middle of August but suddenly Jungkook doesn't hate summer as much as he used to. Not with you sharing the heat with him. "It's way beyond what I could ever imagine." You nod hurriedly against his lips, your arms finding their way around his neck as he starts rocking in and out of you.

"It's too good." you cry, when he hits a particular spot that has you rolling your eyes in bliss and gripping his waist tighter with your legs against you. Your fingers thread through his hair, not bothered by the beads of sweat gathered on the nape of his neck.

"Too good..." he agrees, not missing the shiver that's shaking your own frame when he picks up his speed. "You have no idea what I would do t-to fucking feel you with n-no barriers between us," his movements become frantic as his hips slap against yours, his jaw clenched as he keeps talking, "to s-stuff you full of my c-cum over and over again until it won't stop d-dripping."

Jungkook's voice against your ear has you trembling and your orgasm nearing closer, your nails scratching down his back as his thrusts overpower your form. "Would you like that?" he asks with his voice strangled.

"Y-yes. Anything y-you want."

"You'd take all of my cum like a good cum-slut?"

You hate the fact that that's what makes you come undone. The twisting and knotting in the pit of your stomach finally snapping until you're holding on to him like you never want to let him go and he's following soon after.

Because if Guk, Gukkie, Jengukkie was not only able to make you come in less than a few minutes with his fingers or his tongue, but he was also able to make you cum instantly just by calling you a good cum-slut, that means you're fucked. Like, really, really fucked.

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There's a knot in Jungkook's stomach and a suffocating grip around his vocal chords as he caresses your skin. The sun is rising in the distance with the first rays of light entering his room through the window. Your shamphoo is intoxicating him, numbing him and enticing him to bury his nose in the tangled curls pressing against his chest. Your arm is thrown across his stomach, your breathing leavig goosebumps all over his body.

"It's too early. Go back to sleep." you mumble against his heart. He wonders if you can feel it dangerously speeding up.

"I can't." he says, voice struggling to stay balanced. "I have to tell you something."

You hum in response, sleep still interwined with your body, your arm tightening around him. You sigh in content, expecting him to elaborate.

He wets his suddenly dry lips. "I don't want this to end. In fact, ____.... I want more. Need more."

"Jungkook..." your whole body goes rigid right away, untanglling your bodies from each other and sitting up on the mattress.

"No, listen to me." he mimicks your movements, rapidly grabbing your hands to make you look at him. His eyes are expressive, a mixture of fear and hope swirling in his dark irises. "I wake up everyday, and you're the first thing I think of. I go on about my day, and I keep thinking about you, wondering what you're doing and counting down the hours until I get to see you again. I spend every night dreaming about you, and when we'e together, the only thing I can think about is how I wish I could stop time so I don't have to say bye to you the next morning. ____, I-"

"Jungkook, stop please." you shake your head, pushing away from him and in desperate need of air. You press a hand against your chest, beating back the throb of pain while the other curls in a tight fist, the feeling of your fingernails digging into your palm less painful than the ache inside your heart. "This... This wasn't supossed to happen, Jungkook." you start pacing around the room, as if trying to find an exit while avoiding his gaze. "This was just a summer fling. That's all it was, I'm supposed to come back to the city in two weeks and-"

"A summer fling?" a sardonic sneer comes out of him. "Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening again..." he mumbles to himself before rising from the bed. You stop immediately, a shiver quaking through you as his impressive frame intimidates His eyebrows are drawn together and his dark eyes are void of any prior emotion. "You're going back to the city in two weeks? And you didn't care to tell me until now, after I just spilled my guts to you?"

You eyes fill up with uncomfortable tears, reaching one arm towards him. "Jung-"

He flinches, taking one step back. "A summer fling is all I mean to you?"

"Ju- "

"Look me in the eyes, right now, and tell me that's all I mean to you. A summer fling." panic crawls up your throat. There's the need within you to confirm, to stare into his beautiful and stern eyes and tell him that, yes, that's all he is to you. But you've never been a good liar. So nothing comes out. You opt for wrapping your ams around yourself wishing they were his and lowering your eyes to the ground. "I think... I think you should leave."

Those are the last words he says to you, and the last thing you see when you turn around one more time after gathering your clothes, is his back as he looks out the window.

You allow yourself to cry the exact moment you step into Chaelin's apartment. Your friend is sitting on the couch, bowl of cereal in hand and a fresh cup of coffee sitting on the livingroom's table.

"Hey, you're early tod- Baby, what's wrong?"

"Please, don't laugh."

That morning, you lay down for hours on the couch with your head on Chaelin's lap while she softly brushes your hair as you cry, hiccup, fight through the pain in your heart and relate to her as best as you can the latest events.

She doesn't laugh at all.

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"She'll come back." Mijoo's slurred words do nothing to put Jungkook's state at ease that night. He simply shrugs, fingers clenching at his sides, frowing into his drink before gulping down the bitter taste of vodka in one shot. "Seriously, I think she's just afraid. My ex was the same."

"Comparing her to your ex is not the analogy you think it is."

"Ugh, shut up. Things didn't work with my ex because she was a bitch." Jungkook gives Mijoo a pointed look which she responds to by rolling her eyes and sipping on her rum coke. "Your girl is not a bitch. She used to be a bitch. What she did this morning was bitchy, but, like I said, she's just being a pussy. If she only wanted sex with you, she wouldn't have been doing couple stuff with you the entire summer."

"Whatever. I don't care." he lies and Mijoo knows he's lying but decides to drop the subject fo now.

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"We can't keep spending our days smoking weed." Chaelin speaks over Blanche's voice on the TV.

"I know. I'm just sad."

"You have to come back and tell him how you feel."

"I know."

There's a beat of silence before your friend kicks your thigh with her feet.

"I know and I will." you mumble through red eyes and smoke clouds.

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It's September first and it doesn't feel like Jungkook's birthday at all. He's been trying to focus on his work, alternating between isolating in full hermit mode and hanging out with friends to drink away his sorrow. The days have gone by and before he could realize it, he woke up today with over twenty text messages wishing him a happy day and a throbbing hangover.

He dresses up on autopilot. First a cotton shirt, then a pair of jeans and lastly, his Nike's. He doesn't bother tying his sneakers just like he doesn't bother taking a shower. He smokes a cigarette for breakfast, the death stick making him feel nauseaus on an empty stomach. And then he goes to work.

He's been repeating the same routing for the past weeks and he's not thinking of changing it, not even on his bithday.

He spends hours drawing, tattooing and drawing some more between yawns. He ignores texts an phone calls and simply waits until the day is over to go home, go to bed and forget about the fact that you're probably on your way to the city and that he hasn't crossed your mind not even once.

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Inkphoria.

You've been standing outside the shop re-reading the word for fifteen minutes, although it definitely feels like it has been longer. You're gripping cup of ice cream as it melts down your fingers the more you wait. The shop is already empty and it's starting to darken out side, and still you're so hot. Your shorts are heavy and your tank top is sticking to your skin. You didn't even bother to put on any make, although your eyebags definitely needed some concieling and your lashes some dimension to hide the fact that you'd been crying for the last few days.

'You're crazy about him.'

Chaelin's voice echoes inside your head.

You've lost count of how many times your best friend has given your advice, or simply encouraged you to do something you've been too scared to try.

'And he's cazy about you too.'

Chaelin might be wrong about marmite and the movie Cats, but she's definitely now wrong about anything regarding your and Jungkook.

That's it. You briefly close your eyes, inhale a deep breath then release it slowly. You start walking. It doesn't take longer than three strides and you're pushing the door open.

The tattoed blonde looks up from the counter the second you come into view. She smiles at the distance between you two. "You can come closer. I won't bite."

You clear your throat, stalking closer to her. "Is he-"

"He's in the back." she replies before you can finish you question. You close your mouth, clear your throat and nod your head.

"Thanks, Mijoo." she gives you a small wink, her smile easing your nerves like she had three months ago.

She watches you disappear. She shakes he head, her smile meeting her eyes. "I told him so."

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Jungkook ignores the knock on his door at first. It's almost ten and the parlor is about to close. He just has to finish this last fucking sketch so he can grab his shit and go the fuck ho-

Knock knock.

He growls, exhasperation cursing through him. He runs a hand through his messy pile of hair, his rings tangling between the strands, making him wince in pain. "Come in." he grunts under his breath. The door opens. "Mijoo, I really have to finish-"

He stops dead in his tracks as soon as he sees you.

"Hey." you say after a moment of hesitation.

"Hey." he replies and although there's something inside, deep in his chest, shouting at him to stand up, run up to you and kiss your face while he tells you how beautiful you look right now and how happy he is to see that you're still here, he decides against it. "Listen, ____, I'm pretty busy-"

"No, you listen to me." you cut him off abruptly. He looks taken aback and is already opening his mouth to say something, but you're not having it. "Please, just... Let me talk."

Silence looms between the two of you for a while, a staring contest defying each other to back down. When you take one step inside and close the door behind you, he sighs and leans back against his chair.

You move towards him slowly, your lip caught between your lip going through your mind for the speech you'd been preparing the last few days. Your hands are sticky due to the the sugary treat liquifying in your hand. "I know there's no reason you should give me another chance after rejecting you in high school, and there's definitely no reason why you should forgive me for the way I shut you out a few weeks ago. You've been confessing your feelings to me since we were teenagers, and now it's my turn to tell you exactly how I feel about you."

"Jungkook, the truth is... I like you so much. I like you more than I've ever liked anyone. Ever. I said this was just a summer fling, and I was lying. I was lying because there's no way a simple summer fling could make me feel the way you do. There's no way a simple summer fling could make me want not just summer with you, but also fall and winter, and spring and every summer that comes next."

You hadn't realize when your eyes filling up with tears until the sight of him starts blurrying in front of you. His fingers reach yours, his thumb comforting on your skin. "____, it's okay-"

"I'm not done yet." you sniffle, gathering enough courage to continue. "I brought you a lemon sherbet because you said it was your favourite. But you also implied I was your favourite, and I want to keep being you favourite, but now it's already melted and-"

The corners of Jungkook's lips start pulling upward as he tugs you towards him, his heart loudly jumping inside his chest. "Shhh, come here."

He takes the ice cream from your hand and places it on his desk. Then he's helping you onto his lap, your head tucked under his chin and your arms wapping on their own around his neck.

He doesn't care about your sticky fingers or the wet stains of your tears in his shirt. The only thing he cares about is the fact that you're right there, letting him engulf your frame and drown in the scent and warmth he'd misses so much.

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The first day of June has Jungkook sweating and wishing for a haircut. Jungkook usually hates summer. He hates the fact that he has to shower at least twice a day, and the fact that the heat is almost unbearable to sleep in and also the fact that he's easily sunburnt.

This year, however, Jungkook likes summer a little bit more.

"Excuse me, miss. Do you have an appointment?" it's the fact that you're starting to wear those summer dresses he loves so much, and the fact that your skin glows under the sun like glitter, and also the fact that he can lick ice cream off of it whenever he desires.

"I am the appointment." your giggle is almost childlike, playing with Jungkook's heart strings. You shut the door behind you, nearing him. You also seem to always have that flush on your cheeks. Although he likes to think part of it is due to him. He doesn't say anything else as he puts his pencil down and instead turns around in the chair to have you immediately on top of his thighs.

Yeah, he also likes the path your lips trace from his cheek, to his jaw, ending at the juncture between his neck and his shoulder. It still makes his body quaver to this day.

"Let me see." he murmurs against you forhear, his hand already working on unbottoning the front of your dress.

"Mijoo hasn't left yet." you whisper back, your smile impossible to supress and the faint whimper impossible to hide when his fingers expose your breast and tug at the titanium barbell adorning the already hardened nub.

Jungkook loves knowing he was the one to do that, and also the only one to play with it. He doesn't hesitate when he dips his head. "As if we'd ever cared about that." he adds, wrapping your sole point in his mouth.

He fucks you on his studio table with your legs around his waist and his tongue playing with both your breasts, the tattoo sketches long forgotten, scattered on the floor as he whispers against your flesh something that sounds a lot like 'I love you'.