#on how i've been dissatisfied with my work and my job for a while. and i think i want something deeper

[kerink]

the thing that's been most surprising to me with mouthwashing so far is how little empathy people are willing to extend to curly. and i don't mean this in a piss on the poor way, i'm deeply saddened and genuinely confused by it.

when i first played the game i was at one of the lowest points i've been at in a really long time. my mental health is bad my physical health is bad. i experienced SA a year ago and was recently diagnosed with cancer. i have 2-5 doctors appointments every week with various specialists.

all the while me and two of my doctors are talking about if i need to make a career change that's going to best support my poor health and improve my overall well being. and my family and friends struggle to understand, because i have a doctorate and a good job and live on my own. everyone looks at my life in awe, and they don't understand why i'm unhappy. they tell me so every time i try to explain it.

so when i played i immediately identified with curly. here is a man who's deeply depressed, having hallucinations, trying to reach out to his best friend for support but just has his words thrown back in his face, doesn't want to burden anya with his stuff because she has her own stuff and he wants her to lean on him, he has all these responsibilities and people look up to him and rely on him and have these ideas about him. the highest wrung of their ladder is the lowest of his, and they have no way of conceptualizing why or how he's unhappy and dissatisfied. before the reveal that he's innocent, i completely understood why he attempted suicide.

and then he develops a new disability.

when jimmy goes to crash the ship, he uses curly's unhappiness to try to convince him a murder-suicide is a good idea, and it works. it buys jimmy enough time to get to the cockpit and crash the ship. curly's too in his own head to realize what jimmy meant because jimmy distracted him with how bad his life is. it isn't until the sirens start that curly snaps out of it and it clicks for him what jimmy's done.

i'm not going to re-litigate the issue about if curly could have done more for anya because i've said pretty much all i have to say on it already.

but we really need to highlight that in addition to his lack of tangible choices, he's sleep deprived, deeply depressed, and hallucinating. this is not a man in his right mind making his best choices.

and over and over again i see people refusing to extend him any empathy, to call him a bystander. does a man who says he'll do anything to help and who wanted to be there when anya broke the news and who does his best to play liaison between anya and jimmy sound like a bystander? he let anya keep the gun case! he knew having it would help her feel better!

how good of a friend have you been when you were in your pit of despair? how much were you able to pour into others when your glass was empty?

anya wanted her and curly's support to be reciprocal. if she has enough psych training to do the evals, and having been thru nursing school, she's probably well aware that she and curly need to both be pouring into each other if either of them are going to be any good to anyone. but curly is so determined to defend and protect anya he won't confide in her, despite the fact it's running him so thin that he almost takes jimmy's bait that suicide is a good idea.

i don't think we need to absolve curly of his responsibility. i don't think we should over look his role as an enabler. i don't think we should discredit or discount analyses of his failures. but i'm so tired of people actively avoiding getting in his shoes, getting in his head, reflecting on how they've acted in the past when thinking and feeling similar ways. our worst moments don't make us monsters.

it makes me so sad. and frankly it makes me feel like all the times my family hasn't understood when i've tried to reach out. curly is screaming in agony and just like jimmy we're just trying to keep him quiet because it's too complicated to deal with.

[thr0wnawayy]

Useless Heroes and Hori's spinelessness with setup.

Salutations! I remembered my password.

(Jk, I've been busy)

It's no secret that Japan's heroes in MHA are extremely incompetent, I've pointed out their general disregard towards human life and surrounding infrastructure.

However what some of you might not know is that a majority of heroes in MHA are completely and utterly useless.

And I'm not just talking from a Doylist perspective either, Heroes in MHA are more of an obstacle than the villains they fight.

Take this panel for example:

Originally I was going to crop this to only include (ugh) Birdman, however on a second read I realized how asinine every single hero (not counting All Might) is.

First off the "clean up". I shouldn't need to explain what's wrong with this. The crowd posing a security risk, the minimal security. The fucking plastic bags!?

I mean really, what the hell can Backdraft achieve here, or Kanami or Mount Lady. The list goes on.

(That also ignores how these 4 imbeciles are getting paid for what a clean up crew or police force could do easily. Not to mention this whole incident veing their fault)

Anywho... We then see Death Arms and another "hero" yelling at Midoriya, who was also a victim of the Sludge Villain and actually bought All Might time. Whereas Bakugo failed like a panicked animal and worsened the situation.

It is here we see the first plot point: Heroes are hypocritical and biased towards those with flashy quirks.

They automatically downplay Midoriya while also neglecting to get him checked on by a paramedic.

Even Bakugo doesn't benefit as these so called Heroes swarm him like a vulture. Just so they can use him to boost their own popularity.

(and if I'm honestly speaking, if Birdman were somehow a high ranker. Bakugo would have fallen for it hook, line and sinker)

This subtly introduces a second idea: that Heroes are not as pure as they seem. Perhaps they can even be corrupt.

These two ideas, plotpoints, call them what you will. Do a good job at showing us the cracks in the mirage. Cracks that seemed to be widening come the Sports Festival.

So what happend?

I'm sure we're all familiar with the utter disappointment/disaster that was MHA's epilogue.

Regardless if you believe the initial final chapter to be canonical or the more recent 'improvement'. We can all agree that it bombed in regards to doing the above any justice.

The simple answer is that Hori (in my opinion) is a spineless hack, who can draw really good but for the love of god. Keep him out of the Writers room.

Hori seems to whine about how dissatisfied he is with MHA's direction towards darker themes or even complaining about characters he wrote into the story himself (see Tetsutesu x2.)

Hori lacks any guts when it comes to his own writing, preferring to laze-about in what's comfortable. The problem is he didn't write a comfortable story.

Corruption, Eugenics, Peer Abuse, Negligence and Human Trafficking. These are all things that MHA brings up but Hori refuses to touch on. Despite having wrote them into the world (and plot) himself.

Someone once commented under a post of mine that my W.I.P worked as a story because the events fit, rather than simply existing for shock value.

Now I cannot confirm whether or not the above were added to drive up stakes. However with how MHA ended up, I wouldn't be surprised if it was like the Big Three all over again. Hori adding something, nor knowing what to do with it and then desperately trying to smother it while introducing the "next big thing".

Ultimately, I find it humorous that someone so inspired by comic books and Star wars, is such a coward when it comes to pushing boundaries. Instead choosing to fall in line with what's trending, what the polls say, chasing after something that could never be obtained in the first place.

But hey look at the bright side, at least we have fan-works.

[fuck-customers]

Fucking why. Customer comes up in the middle of dinner rush and the first words out of his mouth are: "I just wanted to say, I'm disappointed" which you just know is gonna go into a long rant. So I'm trying to juggle serving people their food and listen to him bitch while he's holding up the register, going on his spiel about how he was dissatisfied with the portion sizes. And honestly? I get it. I think our portion sizes for certain things suck. It's something I've been suggesting to my boss we need to adjust for ages. But thats the thing, I as an employee have no power. I can make suggestions, but aside from putting my own job in jeopardy by idfk striking or something I can't do much more then that (and god knows I don't give enough shits abt the customers to risk my own income for them). So I tell him where the suggestion box is, where he can find channels to contact corporate and advise him to forward any complaints he has there and he's like, "No, YOU have to tell them. I've made complaints there before and it's useless. You employees have to say something"

At this point I'm over getting yelled at for things beyond my control so I just straight up tell him that I have even less power then the stupid box in what decisions my bosses make and there's nothing I can do for him. Ik I probs should've just said "I'll do that right away sir :)" to end the conversation n make him feel like he got what he wanted, but fuck that. I'm not getting 'called out' for following a policy I didn't even make. Cherry on top was him pulling the whole "Well you've just lost a customer" as he was leaving. Okay? And?? Lose one, ten more come in to take their place. Big woop.

Bottom line is, stop fucking getting pissy with employees over issues OUT OF THEIR CONTROL. Prices, portion sizes, changes to the business, none of that shit is up to us! If you have a problem with it find the fucking corporate email and go there! Stop bitching at us like we're the ones running the show, we just fucking work here.

Posted by admin Rodney.

[squirrel-art]

Finished my little compilation of Sav and her mobility aids! ID in alt for each.

Disclaimer that I'm able-bodied & open to criticism about my portrayal! Also I realized belatedly her rollator is parked in a way that would, in fact, not keep it from rolling the fuck around, my bad.

Further details about my design philosophy/Sav's symptoms under the cut.

I played Savtas through Consular Story Chapter 1 in Full Good Girl Mode, saving all the Jedi and using the shielding ritual whenever prompted. The side effects of the rituals are vague and inconsequential in-game so as to make the job of the writers and programmers easier; characters comment worriedly about the fact that you "look tired" and not much else.

Fortunately, I have none of these restrictions. I don't know how to scientifically quantify "life-essence", but in my canon the energy required to create and maintain the shields comes right out of the body of the shielder, and behaves first and foremost like a faster-than-sustainable burning of calories. In the short-term, Sav became dangerously malnourished and fatigued; in the long-term she developed PoTS and what I've been glibly referring to as "Force fibro" in my brain, because the symptoms she experiences are the similar to that of those who suffer from fibromyalgia in real life: chronic pain, chronic fatigue, disordered sleep, and brain fog.

Some of those physical symptoms are ameliorated via use of a mobility aid, so she's tried out a couple different types.

Rollator

Sav's mobility aid of choice, purchased somewhere at the beginning of Ch 2. Sav is prone to dizziness and fatigue, and has less difficulty walking than she does standing for long periods; the rollator helps keep her balance and gives her somewhere to sit for short spells when she needs to.

The wheels do make this device better for navigating flatter and more even ground, but I imagine she can swap the wheels out for all-terrain varieties. I wonder if you could put blades on them like ice skates, to move around on places like Hoth? Well, the brakes wouldn't work, so probably not.

As mentioned in a previous post on my other sideblog, the design and colors are meant to evoke the pillars of the old Jedi Temple on Coruscant. This model is bespoke, created to Savvy's whimsical specifications. It wasn't even that expensive; you'd be surprised how many discounts people are willing to offer a Jedi!

Chair

A gift from the Jedi Council upon her defeat of Terrak Morrhage and the subsequent quelling of the Force plague. It's a more expensive model, and comes with a sturdy stand to rest it on when it's charging or not in use.

Design inspo drawn from both canon sources and the wonderful hermitmoss' hoverchair headcanons post!

I deliberated for a while as to whether Sav would have been given a wheelchair or a hoverchair. I settled on hoverchair mostly because Sav wanted a certain level of independence in her movement, but nobody was sure how long it would take her to regain enough upper body strength to reliably push herself around in a manual chair.

Sav in this image is at the beginning of her recovery, but she does continually make use of her chair after regaining some of her weight and muscle mass. Her rollator became her device of choice over the chair in part because the chair is kind of bulky and heavy, and can't be easily collapsed for transport. She probably has a lighter, more maneuverable transport chair stored on the ship to utilize in a pinch.

Looking at the design of the chair, I am already dissatisfied with it - the seat isn't raked to keep her from sliding out of it, and the control panel should realistically be attached to an extension and not directly under her hand. We'll fix that in the next pass, I think, but for now this drawing is representative of the overall design and colors.

Cane

She's got a few of these! Most have an offset or contour grip because she finds them the most comfortable, and most have adjustable bases.

Her favorite is probably the non-adjustable wooden one she got from a craftsman on Alderaan, the only one she owns made of fully organic materials.

[cannibal-nightmares]

Some of my Stein Soul Eater playlists

I do a lot of driving for my day job. Before I was a driver, I used to work at a record store doing album reviews and critique, but even before then, music has always been at the center of my story ever since I was a wee child. To friends, I'm the designated car DJ, the guy with the playlist, the genre-bender. I've had all kinds of people ask me for music reccs, and, much to my surprise, Soul Eater-specific music reccs... This is all to say that every time I get into my car for work now and I reach to put on one of my playlists, I can't help but think "damn I need to make a public compilation or something." SO HUZZAH! Enjoy this mess of a collection. Everything here is a perpetual WIP and will be added onto until the end of time. (also feel free to send me music in my ask box, some of you have, I'm always clawing for new music, but I listen to a lot of music...)

So without further adieu, I'll start with my most-frequented playlist:

[Spotify] Somewhere more adjacent to a personal(!) fictionkin playlist, this is so far my longest and most-listened to [Soul Eater] mix. It mostly consists of metalcore and alt metal, with tonal themes of turmoil and chaos, but there are a couple curve-ball tracks to keep you on your toes (mostly of which came from recommendations of other people ^^;). I like to "smart shuffle" this list to find new alt bands. Word of warning that there's all kind of provocative unreality narratives throughout this playlist, that's just how it goes (my logic is a sort of comfort in discomfort). SHUFFLE IT!

Track highlight: "CANVAS" by AVRALIZE (rose, if you're reading this. hi. 📯)

[Spotify] WAAAHHHH While not one of my more-frequented listens, I've really enjoyed putting this one together over the past year. Songs of heartbreaking, "Will they? Won't they?" I've tried to remain true to alternative genres for the sake of consistent character tone, but there are streaks of teasing whimsy as per the dynamic of our calamity duo ^^

Track highlight: "The Void" by Spiritbox

[Spotify] One of my first Soul Eater playlists, I was really dissatisfied with other public Spirit-oriented playlists I had found. Semi-inspired by fan-made playlists for Tamaki Suoh of "Ouran High School Host Club," I love putting this one on if I'm feeling prideful and femme, hahaha. I revel in the occasional dirtiness sprinkled throughout this one and I plan to add more eventually, heh.

Track highlight: "Love Taste" by Moe Shop (ZOEY U KNO I HAD TO)

[Spotify] Alright, I'll admit this one is currently an ambitious mess. I've kind of just been passively adding onto this as I find music I think Stein might be interested in. I'm swayed to think he is a lyric-oriented person until a genre bends into avant garde (as I currently quite literally have it opening with a new-era Of Montreal song, WOOF). Every time I think about this playlist or move to listen to Tool or Radiohead I am reminded I really need to clean this one up. I'm an avid believer Stein would like Tool, lol. This one nears close to a similar-enough idea to a following playlist, "Franken's Static Calm." Ideally, this list will become very long in the future as it's supposed to be a pretend library of albums and artists, not necessarily individual tracks.

Track highlight: "Cardium" by Trigg & Gusset

[Spotify] Although very obviously a WIP at the moment, I'm including this playlist because I could have sworn I've extensively worked on it already (knowing me, I've probably made a Soul Eater playlist under a non-specific title, I have a terrible habit of doing that). This one is particularly in no specific order right now; I intend to include a lot more music parallel to the canon score including that of acid jazz, as cleverly and observantly curated in "soul eater vibes" by sacccstry. (WHICH IS A FANTASTIC PLAYLIST I highly recommend; I put it on in the car when I'm driving friends around for the viiibes) Currently, this playlist is majority made up of electronic call-to-arms. :)

Track highlight: "Killing Giants" by Puppet

[Spotify] OKAY WAIT HEAR ME OUT HOLD ON WAIT NO-- Essentially Soul's iPod, this is (and will continue to be) a disaster mess. I just think Soul likes it all. I think he has his favourite genres in eastern music, underground surfpunk, and acid jazz, I think he picks up tidbits of different songs by different artists from friends, I think he's the guy who can name random tracks from Bollywood films out of nowhere (cough this might be me I'm describing). I find Soul to seek complexity in easy-listening, and vise versa. ...Also to say that every time I hear Nirvana these days, I'm thinking about Soul Eater Evans ^^;; This playlist is a fustercluck right now, but I think a keen ear for music and en eye for the character will understand where I'm going with this one.

Track highlight: "Trick of the Light" by CIVIC (which. woof. I've seen CIVIC, El Khat, and Stonefield all in concert and is where my Soul-specific inspiration and intention derives from)

[Spotify] I'll make an attempt at justifying this one: It's simply that I get really dissatisfied by the generalization that Stein is nothing more than an edgelord reduced to cartoony theatrics, ones that depict him as inherently self-loathing while simultaneously and paradoxically prideful. ...This being said, I am guilty of frothing over edgy angst themes often found in heavy alternative music. As I add onto this playlist, it is mostly of tone, generally catering to a sort of juvenile taste of edge, and I might even begin to include classic emo genres.(Don't get it misconstrued: I love it all. /gen) Think the grunge side of Warped Tour.

Track highlight: "Gauze" by Deftones

[Spotify] Currently closely adjacent and overlapping to the WIP that is "Franken's iPod," this is one I am trying to keep to it's more calming paces. Somewhere in between a rainy night and [eventually to include] ambiance, I started this one to have something to put on in the background. Eventually it will have more melodic noise and ambient soundscape like that of The Black Dog and Aphex Twin and Yellow Swans, but as for now it is a major WIP that I wouldn't mind folks taking a peek into. (...Also "Ultraviolet" by Spiritbox is in here because for some reason it provokes in my mind's eye that of younger Stein having a quiet moment of peace to himself. I don't know why.) In this vein of reason, I'd love to make a Stein-oriented harsh noise playlist sometime.

Track highlight: "Cup Noodle" by The Black Dog

[Spotify] A guilty-pleasure playlist, this is a short list of songs I've found either lyrically or tonally fit Stein, but, distinctly, not both. I can be particular like that.

Track highlight: "Wet Specimen" by SWEET SPINE

Although a long list, I still have so many other SE/FF playlists as their time comes. I constantly have my feelers out for new music and soundscapes, other work in progresses to include Stein/Justin, fanfic playlists (of my own and for others), and one specifically for Black Star which currently only has "When I Grow Up" by NF on it at the moment ^^;

ANYWAYS ENJOY ENJOY I can't continue sitting on these, GO FORTH AND EXPLORE!

a bonus secret-not-so-secret playlist, heh -> "you're one sadistic man"

[toxiccoworkeryaoi]

Was watching Drew Gooden's recent video on tech, and I think he almost perfectly articulated what I hate about major social media websites and specifically short form video content:

"More often than not, you don't open an app in order to do a specific thing.

You open an app and just see whatever it chooses to show you. Sometimes you like it, sometimes you don't.

Either way, the past hour of your life was entirely decided by an algorithm. You're not thinking for yourself. You just turn off your frontal cortex and submit to whatever Mark Zuckerberg has curated for you."

And I've been thinking about how perfectly this fits with the jobs most young adults (a big part of the demographic that all social media is aimed at) hold.

If you're in an office, you can mostly spend the day just doing repetitive tasks that you don't enjoy just because you're told to do them. If you're in customer service, retail or hospitality, it's the same with the added bonus of having people be absolutely horrible to you.

Most jobs (if not all) require you to be overworked, underpaid and therefore dissatisfied. And if it is your hope to come out of this relatively sane, you'll need some degree of dissociation while at work.

So we're willing away 9hours on average, dissociating to make money for people who will give us 0.001% of what we make for them, or something equally as bleak.

Most of these companies have uniforms or dress codes, so they're deciding what we wear, what we do, when we eat, when we go to the bathroom, when we go home. All for a sum of money that is not enough to comfortably live. And this is by design.

And when we do get home, we let something else decide what we see.

It feels dangerously easy to allow your days to be almost entirely up to others. Be that people or algorithms.

And this is what bothers me the most about AI. And Drew mentions it too:

"And the more we're conditioned to accept this relationship, the easier it is to sell us an AI agent that does all of our thinking for us and that we learn to trust implicitly"

I HATE the concept of yet another thing making decisions for us, and I hate the way it's being marketed and I hate how easy it is for millions of people to accept it with open arms.

I hate how many people are so far removed from experiencing anything, that even the smallest web search, even reading a text, becomes such difficult a task, that they'd want something else to do it for them.

So they can go back to scrolling social media.

It's frustrating, to see people enter digital spaces and get so overwhelmed and then believe that the way out is further in.

We're so overwhelmed because working is so horrible and we live in unjust systems, while religiously CONSTANTLY using apps that are designed to make us angry or scared and then sell us temporary comfort.

Then, when it all becomes too much, they sell us the possibility to stop thinking altogether.

Do you see how the answer can't be to buy another thing that we will never have control over, much less own?

(Not to mention, AI is just a bad investment the tech industry made and WE'RE being forced to pay for it)

It's just...

I don't claim to know what we're here to do, but I know it's not this.

I do not live to spend the bulk of my energy dissociating and passively consuming

[steppingonyourshadow]

Selected excerpts from GQ February 2024

His is a face that's constantly under a microscope. A few months ago, his studio posted a series of photos for his birthday. Sharp-eyed netizens noted immediately that his face had "become rounder". In order to play Guo Jing of Tsui Hark's Legend of Condor Heroes, Xiao Zhan put on weight before filming began. His face was no longer so narrow, and he had obviously bulked up. The photos showed him with a scattering of stubble, a little rough.

Strictly speaking, Legend of Condor Heroes is Xiao Zhan's second movie. There have already been many iconic portrayals of Guo Jing, so the pressure was obviously on.

The day of the GQ cover shoot, Xiao Zhan got up early to go for a run. He couldn't help but worry that he'd lose muscle mass from sweating so much, and hesitated over whether to continue. Finally he decided to do a full 30 minutes. After that, it occurred to him that he wouldn't start burning fat until 30 minutes in, so he did another 10.

It's all for the sake of the job. "Actually, I'd rather not be running - it decreases muscle mass. But I have to, to get rid of bloating." After the shoot, no matter how late it got, he plans to go do more weight training. The discipline of an actor is the constant process of creating their character's look, all the while strictly controlling their diet and maintaining their figure. Xiao Zhan sees both as standard and imposes this standard on himself.

I was curious how he felt having been under constant scrutiny these past few years. I wasn't expecting him to say that it was barely on his mind most of the time, and hadn't brought much disruption to his life either, that the "cruelest" thing was "not being able to eat whatever I want".

"I still sneak out for a bike ride, or a walk. I've been spotted just the once, within five minutes of walking around a Hutong. I've also snuck into cinemas to watch movies, no one cares that you're there, really. Once you're away from the internet, a lot of problems just solve themselves. Sometimes we think what's in front of us is the whole world, that's a mistake, but one that can't be avoided. Nothing to be done about it."

There are lots of things he wants to do, like ride the subway, go shopping. "I really will use the subway, maybe tomorrow, nothing extraordinary about that. I used to do it every day."

For Xiao Zhan, this is real life. He's no longer bothered by social media comments.

"If I still let it get to me after all this time, what kind of life would I live?" He laughs. "Really, it's fine."

Right now, Xiao Zhan is very satisfied with his life. "I have my work, my own life, and an audience that appreciates me. Nothing to be dissatisfied about."

To an extent, Xiao Zhan's relaxed state stems from increasing clarity about his goals. Outside voices no longer bother him, he knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. Right now, more and more he's trying to simplify. In the past two years, he hasn't done much variety, choosing to focus on acting as his most important goal.

Three shows in which Xiao Zhan played the main character aired in 2023. Each character was a challenge in different ways. During the interview, Xiao Zhan said "it was a lot of pressure" many times, in relation to each of these stages, but his tone was always light, nothing of the heaviness of someone bemoaning difficulties, and more like an analytical mindset after the event, with concrete and objective reasoning: this show was the first time he did green screen, that one was his first solo lead role, first contemporary drama...

Where Dreams Begin was a script Xiao Zhan loved. He really likes stories from that era. When he was a kid he watched Bloom of Youth and Happiness As Flowers. In his mind the 70s and 80s shine brightly, in vivid colour.

Many say that the character of Xiao Chunsheng is perfect, but Xiao Zhan saw this as his greatest flaw. He found the character very interesting and wanted to give it a go. Xiao Chunsheng is a Beijing kid. How to convey his demeanor and speak in authentic Beijing dialect was no small challenge to Xiao Zhan who grew up in Chongqing.

The Longest Promise's Shi Ying is cold and aloof. Because he didn't want to disappoint everyone who had high expectations of his guzhuang look, Xiao Zhan pushed himself above and beyond to lose weight before filming began. "The Longest Promise was a script I got in 2020. Among the ones I had to choose from, it was the one with the most well-rounded characters, and the most nuanced relationships. Plus, it had a strong sense of internal logic and coherence. So it was my best choice."

Sunshine By My Side is the one Xiao Zhan had been considering the longest. He was given the script in 2019. Sheng Yang may be in the same line of work Xiao Zhan had been doing before debuting, but he wasn't certain he could recreate the life of a designer for the screen in a natural, believable way.

Recently, Xiao Zhan found an old book at home - Danshari [book about decluttering and optimization of the home by Hideko Yamashita]. It had been recommended to him by his boss when he was a designer. What the book said about organising one's life made him rethink what he wanted, and what he ought to leave behind.

"Contemporary and slice of life dramas were a totally foreign territory for me." At the start he was to eager to finish his lines, having them memorised back to front. But no one in real life speaks like that. Later, he realised that there was a particular logic in where to pause and where to place the emphasis in a line in a contemporary drama.

For example, when he decided to be an actor, and that he didn't want to do anything else other than acting. "If you try and force me, then let's have the debate. There's no such thing as right and wrong, my people are only looking out for me, isn't it positive to have so much work? But for me, I need to simplify my life. Because there are some things I definitely don't want."

Xiao Zhan's acting career began with an "ordinary overage guy pursues his dream into the entertainment industry" story. He went into a survival show at the age of 24, learned to dance as a total novice, debuted in a boy group, acted in internet dramas, played bit parts in movies, until he hit it big in 2019 and became an attention-grabbing star.

If you choose to do something, then give it your best. That's what Xiao Zhan was taught from a young age. When he was in junior high, his parents bought him a cellphone. Initially when he sent text messages he'd use spaces in place of punctuation. But his father said to him very severely, "where's the punctuation, why isn't there a question mark at the end of your sentence?" So now Xiao Zhan always pays attention to punctuation.

Xiao Zhan has had a competitive spirit since he was a child. So long as it's something he can control, he'd rather not miss a single opportunity. He used to take the bus to school and get anxious on behalf of the people who fell asleep and missed their stops. For the things he can't control, he'd remind himself not to get too caught up and learn to accept the outcome. And before that, do everything he can the best he can.

When asked which of his projects had come about following a lot of effort on his part to land it, Xiao Zhan's response is surprising. He says, "all of them". Before he made it big, he auditioned a lot. Once he'd passed the interview stage, gotten into the final round, even did trial shots with full makeup, and was still replaced. Now of course people pass him scripts, but Xiao Zhan always tells himself, that's just an expression of interest which can be given to many people at once. If he encounters a script he really likes, he'll set up a meeting with the director and talk to them about his understanding of the character. He feels it's important to display the right attitude.

Xiao Zhan grew up just like any other 90s kid - his parents worked, his grandma did all the cooking, he went to school every day, came home, and if he did poorly in an exam he'd get a beating. They ate dinner at 6:30 every night, and then his friends would call for him to come down and play Hide and Seek, Red Light, Green Light, or Hopscotch.

His face shines when he speaks of this time. These ordinary little things all seem rare and precious now. Xiao Zhan says he's grateful for those first 23 years before his dream-like brave foray into the entertainment industry. "I really value those times, I think it was great."

He thinks that if he hadn't entered the industry, he'd probably be living like his classmates and friends, taking clients out for dinner only to come home and do more overtime to finish his design work overnight, day after day.

"Being seen" makes him happy. No matter how busy he gets, Xiao Zhan never complains. "If there's work to be done, then do it properly." While filming The Oath of Love he was also recording the variety show Our Song. Whenever he had a moment between scenes, he'd put on headphones and sing along softly. When his costars came over out of curiosity, he'd give a sheepish grin and explain that he was practicing the song he had to sing that night. "There's no time, really none." Back then, work took up pretty much his entire life.

Xiao Zhan will almost never give himself a holiday. "Unrealistic," he says firmly. When he's exhausted enough, he can fall asleep sitting upright on set.

This year, Xiao Zhan felt a sense of urgency stemming from "not enough works". "Compared to some of my seniors, when they were in their thirties they already had many credits." He clearly understands that a huge breakthrough in his acting skills from just a single piece of work is unlikely. "That probably won't happen for me."

He's considered whether he wants to be an actor with a unique individual style or a crowd-pleaser. His answer is the latter. "They might not be fans of yours, or even feel very positive toward you, but when they know you have a show on, they think, maybe I should check it out, his shows are all pretty good. That's what I want, that's my current goal. Whether I can reach the level of the actors I admire, that's a long road, I'm going to take my time."

"Make more shows, work with more good people, that's the current goal. I'm not thinking about the rest right now," Xiao Zhan says.

[I'll translate and post the Q&A segment later.]

[dragon-communion]

I need to hear more about Godwyn's dragon age (DA2 if you will lmao) because while I know he TECHNICALLY gets an age, I've always found it very dissatisfying since Fia's thing isn't *really* about restoring death tbh and TWLID simply looks to be a horrific state of existence. Making that be a normalized state does not look to be helping the world in the slightest.

Honestly agreed. I would actually argue that Duskborn isn't Godwyn's ending at all- it's specifically Fia's.

Fia doesn't really have a plan for structural and systemic change. She knows who she is and how she's been affected by the current order- as Tarnished, she identifies pretty closely with the undead, and I can see why. What's the difference between our grace-given resurrection and the way skeletons respawn? We were dead, and will eternally die- likewise deathroot came for the dead, who will eternally die unless "weeded".

On top of that, Fia is functionally a surrogate mother for dead people. It's easy to take that concept and make it bigger. Plus, she was 100% part of a cult and never really unpacked that worldview. The Duskborn ending isn't about Godwyn, it's about Fia's decision to be a mother to the dead on a massive scale. She didn't choose Godwyn because she liked who he was when he was alive, she chose him because he's the first of the dead. If you'll forgive my sense of humor, she 100% objectified that man. And, like many mothers, I think she's potentially blind to the idea that her children suffer by existing.

Duskborn is only about Godwyn inasmuch as it enables his body's primal urge to feed, grow, and flourish unceasing like an eldritch cancer. So. If we're going to construct some kind of actually Godwyn-centric ending, it'd have to take his personhood and desires into account.

The captain of the Ressurecting Godwyn squad is Miquella, but as far as I can tell he's given up despite rigorous effort. Maybe true resurrection or even rebirth aren't really possible. Since souls and runes seem to be entwined, I actually think that the reason Miquella couldn't find him is because the Cursemark of Death snatched his soul and incorporated it or something. There's no soul to call because it's already bound to something physical. Could just be obliterated, of course, but let me dream.

Option 1: we use the Cursemark of Death to restore Godwyn's soul, allying specifically with him instead of Fia. He's still infected with deathroot, but there's also a literal dragon in his head doing its best to fight that, so he could theoretically sustain a state of perpetual chronic blight the way Malenia does. He would also probably hate it as much as she does. Still, he seemed to be a compassionate guy who liked allies better than enemies, so I could see him actively making an effort to figure out if the undead like existence, and then based on that information figuring out a proper response. Highly superior undead rights ending for all my fellow goths out there.

Also, he probably actually knows how to be a king and manage resources/politics/humanitarian work post-Shattering, which the other ending options distinctly lack.

Option 2: we ally with Fortissax and weed Godwyn's deathroot. It would be very hard and suck very much and probably involve body horror worm vines or something. I don't think deathroot itself is conscious- I think it's just mindless growth, the instinct of an empty body, combined with the seed that needs growing: the fragment of Death itself propagating in his flesh. It fits pretty nicely with the themes of grafting and such in the game- even the Elden Ring is supported by a trellis. Regardless, we exorcise Godwyn- maybe it needs Destined Death, the true blackflame rune that the Cursemark spawned from, to properly do the job.

Here's where I get crazy. I think the other way to get Godwyn's soul back would be to burn the Cursemark, and/or his body. When you look at Death in Elden Ring, the faction pretty explicitly called just Death used to process bodies and souls via cremation. It'd be cool if we could bring the Twinbird into this, as a purer and more correct form of Death than the blight. Free him with fire, let him be reborn. Depending on how long that takes, Fortissax can step in as regent since it actually knew him and what he'd want better than anyone else.

Most of the dragons have been hunted to the ends of the earth, but with the warring Shardbearers out of the way and the kingdoms of men and dragons broken across the landscape, the most logical move is to try rebuilding. Fortissax is probably significantly more biased than Godwyn and I could see it setting up dragon lords all over the major centers of civilization. People need leaders, okay, and dragons are naturally leaders, obviously this is the correct idea. We can only hope Godwyn gets himself together fast enough to counterbalance Fortissax's idea of a functional and just empire.

Also Crucible influence comes back into fashion and the Omens are treated like proper citizens, because Godwyn likely had Crucible Knights directly in his service and I can't see why he'd have a problem with them. In a way, Godwyn's age would be a slight reversion to Placidusax's age, just with a lot more tiny squishy people.

Is it a perfect fix? No. Is it better than the other endings? Depends on your opinion of "better", really. It's a step backwards in some ways, a step forward in others. But it's still an ending I could realistically see Godwyn at the head of (with a heavy dose of Fortissax).

[audioeidolon]

You still interested in writing for the rottmnt fandom, or do you think your motivation is just gone?

I'm going to take the opportunity of this ask to talk a little bit about my experiences in fandom! I've been around for a WHILE and have seen a lot come and go, so maybe this will be interesting to some people, or shed some light. (I just turned 31 in January for context, and have been doing fan stuff since as long as I can remember.)

I don't think anyone ever completely abandons a fandom. I have fics and users I'm subscribed to that have fics going over the course of a DECADE, and if they never get finished I'm pretty okay with that! Here's some for reference:

The Run and Go (A homestuck fic from 2018-2023, with years between updates.)

Here's a Game of Thrones fic that I just found and read that I am IN LOVE WITH called The Prophet from Maine, that's running from 2018-2024! (Everyone read it, even if you don't like self-inserts, it's so good and actually reignited my passion for writing.)

Astolat (long may she reign) has Harry Potter fic dating all the way from 2000, up to 2022.

I never lose motivation in writing any fandom! For instance I'm writing for Game of Thrones right now, and goodness knows THAT'S an old fandom! You never know what's going to strike your fancy at the moment. I have a Psychonauts WIP, and Dragon Age and Assassins Creed will never leave me as fandoms. I've pecked away at my OLDEST published fic this year, and that thing is from like, 2012 or something. My fandom list on AO3 has 27 fandoms on it! That's a lot! It ranges from His Dark Materials, to Harry Dresden, to Avengers!

The problem with how often I'm able to update is energy and time. I took a very long break in writing from 2018 to about 2023, where I realize now I was actually very depressed. (You can see it in my gap of published works on AO3 actually, with one Stranger Things fic I polished and posted from a backlog.) I moved about five or six times all over the globe, and didn't find any of my old hobbies fun any more. I didn't have many friends, and my job was (and still is) very stressful, high paced, and complicated. I decided to try and make some changes, and getting back into writing was one of those things.

My goal with LSoW (because there WAS a goal) was to write 100k in one year. No Nanowrimo, no competition, just write, finish, and publish things. And I did that! More than. I made a BUNCH of friends in the fandom (@/tangledinink, @/heckitall, @/radishqueen, @/amevello-blue, and @/alicat54c to name a few!) and actually interacted with and talked to other fans, which I haven't done since the livejournal days of Kinkmemes and X-Men Next-Gen.

I felt very silly, but also very very happy.

The NEXT YEAR (2024/2025ish) I decided my goal was to be able to operate under a deadline! I tried poking at some of the TMNT competitions that were around, but was dissatisfied with them for a number of reasons. It seems like there was a new competition every week, and the one or two times I tried to participate, it seemed more like work than fun! With the added penalty of the possibility of LOSING, and that kind of made all the work and stress of applying for nothing. I didn't have any good feelings during the competitions, although I'm almost positive that's just me as a person and not the competitions fault themselves.

(I played with the idea of hosting my own competition without knockouts, where everyone simply collects points through the ranks and everyone participates until the end! But I didn't have the time, or energy sadly. I DID however grab the URL for it, called @tmntaulairgames lol.)

I looked at MCYT instead as a project focus, because I recently started watching the Life Series games! For context, I was following MANY MCYT's for years and years, but didn't realize the fandom was anything but RPF. (Which I have no interest in.) When I realized otherwise I joined some events for that! And that's what's been pushing my writing at the moment. My focus has been polish, finish, and deadlines. Not for any particular reason besides getting better at something I love. (Writing.)

The events I've been joining have been insanely well organized, fair, safe, and fun. I've been writing less, but I like to think I've polished a lot! Next year, who knows what I'll be into? Hopefully this for longer, but if it's not, there's not really a lot we can do about it.

I've done 3 events/exchanges (in the midst of one right now actually!), and 2 zines! I'm VERY proud of them if I'm being honest, and had a lot of fun! Me and some of the Life Series zine participants for Secret Life even did a voice call to read some of the fic out loud and discuss it, and it was probably one of my favorite moments in any fandom I've ever had. :) I've improved in leaps and bounds too when it comes to grammar, punctuation, as well as formatting. So, mission accomplished I guess!

TLDR:

Anyway, sorry about the long answer! Short answer is no I haven't lost motivation, I just have other projects I'm prioritizing for various personal and practical reasons! I would love to finish some of my ROTTMNT fics (especially the Hidden City Trial, or Portal Panic), but right now I'm doing events, and a big game of thrones/MCYT crossover because I think dropping video game characters in High Fantasy is peak comedy.

People dip in and out of fandoms as the fancy strikes, and if you stick with people you'd be surprised at what they come back to, or move onto. (I am writing about DSMP characters in the year of our lord 2025, and I have never watched a single clip of DSMP.) I cannot even count the number of times I've gotten into a fandom because of someone, or had someone I follow get into something I am already into!

I have a lot of thoughts of TMNT still, and fully plan on coming back to it. But I couldn't give you a time or place, and I wouldn't blame people for not waiting! But I hope you will, because I've found it the best way to make friends, and expand your hobbies.

[arwainian]

Reading This Week 2024 #22

This is the first week since the spring semester ended that I really felt like I read a lot, and a decent amount of books that really grabbed me made that possible

Finished:

The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories by Ken Liu, audiobook read by Corey Brill & Joy Osmanski Reading this was a great time. It's been a while since I've read a collection of short stories and it was so great to read so many things that set out to tell a story and just goes forward and does so. Notably, two different stories in this collection follow the formula of "white American girl child makes friends with an old magical Chinese man who teaches her about Chinese culture through stories of magic." I liked both of them, but it was kinda funny to read two stories by the same author, in different settings, with essentially the same central relationship. I will also repeat that the title story made me cry

A Guest in the House by Emily Carroll This is a horror graphic novel about a woman falling in love with the ghost of her husband's first wife, imagining herself as a knight and the ghost as a princess. it's a very tense character portrait, though I'm a bit confused and dissatisfied by how it ends. This is worth reading for the sake of the art alone. It's both gorgeous and creepy in exactly the measure this story needs.

The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System, Vol. 1 by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu My friend Tort recommended that I read this isekai webnovel for the purpose of giving them my analytical thoughts on it. This backfired because it hit the off switch to my brain and I had a wonderful time just along for the ride, which I think is exactly what I've been craving from a book. I will be reading the next three volumes as soon as my holds from the library come in

Murder Crossed Her Mind by Stephen Spotswood So, technically I had an ARC copy of this book before it was published (because my mom is awesome and sometimes uses her book reviewer clout to get me early copies of books from authors I love), but I delayed reading it for so long that its publish date past! I spent all yesterday afternoon reading it because I was craving a mystery and sapphism, which this series always delivers for me. Now that I know the cliffhanger, I'm kinda glad I delayed so there will be less time between reading this, and the next book getting published next February

DNFs:

The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley, audiobook narrated by Jayne Entwistle This was too be expected, I'm just marking that I won't be continuing it for the sake of organization

The Mimicking of Known Successes by Malka Older, audiobook read by Lindsey Dorcus Abandoning THIS book however was really unexpected for me. I remember seeing so many good reviews for it when it came out, including from some of my favorite authors. it's a mystery novella set on Mars with a sapphic investigator! that seems so my thing! but unfortunately literally nothing about it caught my attention in the first four chapters, even after I switched to the audiobook. the silver lining is that being disappointed by this lead to me finally reading Murder Crossed Her Mind to fill my craving

Started/Ongoing:

Rape and Representation edited by Lynn A. Higgins and Brenda R. Silver while my hunt for summer jobs is not going very well, I can at least start up on my summer research. This a collection of essays, and I've so far read the first two, which are grouped together for being stories from Greek and Roman myth

Reading Plans: I will be trying to read about one section of the Higgins and Silver collection per day, and overall try and read a full book for my thesis research each week (with several article length works serving as appropriate substitute). I'll be looking at the bibliography of each to try and find good readings to follow up. I'm also going to work my way through different books that have been lingering on my bookshelf for a while, since i have the free time for it!

[invisiblegarters]

"I know I'm like the one person who thinks so but come ON they can BOTH do the job stop giving it to just one." You are not the only one, I thought the exact same thing when I watched the trailer for the first time, like oh, so Khao's character gets an emotional story about grief and family and First gets... a character that can talk to cats, okay.

Listen, I love them together, I truly do, but I am tired, and I can't help but think First would be better off without a fixed CP. But I also don't get it because, as you said, The Eclipse exists! They could very much both have emotionally compelling stories, and I don't understand why First doesn't get them.

Aside for that fact, it irritates me how I barely see any FK fan bringing this up, you are supposed to care about both, do you really not see the pattern? Or you do but don't care ofc, which is what I suspect is happening.

Today was not a great day for me in general, and I actually cried a little from frustration because of this lol, I feel unwelcome in the FK fandom because I don't see anyone caring about this (and if someone says anything, they get shut down and accused of being a Khao anti, like what?) I feel so alone in this, and I end up not enjoying their shows because it's the only I can notice.

I guess the only thing I can do is move on tbh, because nothing is gonna change and the fandom also doesn't seem to want it to change, so…

Aw, non. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope things get better for you soon.

I am not blaming fans. Of course they don't notice or care; why would they? Their bias is getting the good stuff, so there's no reason for them to be upset. We only complain when we're dissatisfied with something, after all, and for most people this is only how it should be. And to be fair, I can't say with any certainty that I would care overmuch if the situation were reversed, although we might be hearing about how unfair it is a lot more. 🤣

I think part of it is that The Eclipse is based on a novel. I haven't read the novel yet but my guess is that Akk and Aye are both fully realized characters in a way that the OG stuff maybe...doesn't really even try to do, lol. We are lucky in that First is great and he can't help but make a flat, one dimensional character feel real and nuanced, but I'mma be frank, I've made the complaint before that his characters have been paper thin since The Eclipse. So because they've been doing OG stuff, we tend to get what the majority wants, and well...the majority wants Khaotung. He's the one who gets the awards, after all. He's the one fandom never stops talking about. It's not like they don't pay attention to what people respond to, you know? Hell, people have said it themselves, this show is exactly what the fandom wants. Khaotung to give the emotional resonance and First there to be pretty and provide emotional support. 🤷

It sucks, but I always seem to fall for the less popular ones, so I'm kinda used to it. Won't stop me getting irritated sometimes, but what can you do. Genuine advice, if you want it: find a like minded mutual or two that you can commiserate with, or even one who doesn't care at all about FK but is willing to let you let off a little steam. It really helps. But also get one that will tell you if the bitterness is getting too out of control, lol.

One other thing I will say is if this is making you that upset, maybe do quit for a while. It's not that serious, non...or at least it shouldn't be to us. The only person that it really impacts is First, and he seems to be one of those delightful people who is able to be happy with what he has even as he works hard to improve and challenge himself and earn those accolades that he hasn't gotten yet. Would that we could all have that mentality, but it's a rare one.

The world's not a fair place at all, but I have every confidence First's time will come.

[glatisant-questing]

Hakuouki Drama CD: An Unexpected Prospective Recruit (Translation, Part 3)

See Part 2 here.

Yamazaki: I see. You're in quite a prestigious role now. Iba: Indeed, but sometimes, I can't help but envy Toshi-san and everyone in the Shinsengumi. Hijikata: What's got into you, saying that all of a sudden? You can't possibly envy us. Iba: Being able to protect something dear to you is truly admirable. You and everyone else have not only realized your childhood dreams but also earned the gratitude of the Shogunate and the people by battling unruly Ronin, right? Hijikata: Gratitude doesn't necessarily come from everyone. Originally, we outsiders weren't well-liked by the people. Besides, you have something to protect too. Iba: Of course, I have no complaints about my current position, protecting the Shogun. It's just that… even though… Hijikata: What's the matter? Is there something about your job that's bothering you? In the Shogunate, there can be all sorts of problems like scheming, backstabbing, and such. Iba: It's not that… But, Toshi-san… Can I join the Shinsengumi? Hijikata: Huh?! What are you suddenly talking about?! Iba: It's not all of a sudden. If it's all about protecting something, maybe I'd be better off working here. I've been thinking about it for a while. Hijikata: No, you need to calm down. The position and tasks of the Shogun's guards and the Shinsengumi are entirely different. How can you compare the samurai who protect the Sgogun to our group of ronin protecting common people? Iba: What's wrong with that? And, with Kondo-san's and Toshi-san's abilities, you're bound to gain the status of Hatamoto eventually. Hijikata: No, that's not so certain. Yamazaki: If Commander Kondo and Vice Commander Hijikata could become samurai, that would be truly amazing. Iba: Yamazaki, don't just admire them; please help me persuade Toshi-san! Yamazaki: … Persuade, you say? Iba: I want to join the Shinsengumi. You, Yamazaki-kun, joined the Shinsengumi and achieved your dream, right? Yamazaki: Is there something about your current role as the Shogun's guard that you're dissatisfied with? Iba: No, I'm not dissatisfied at all. In this era, protecting the Shogun is a highly honorable task, and I find it very fulfilling. The Shogun has a lot of enemies, and I feel like I should support him. Yamazaki: So, what's the real reason? Iba: If I become a Shinsengumi member, I can protect her and stay by her side all the time, right? Hijikata: Hachiro, you… In the end, that's your real goal, isn't it? Iba: Of course, but it's not just that. Working under the leadership of Kondo-san and Toshi-san, whom I deeply respect, is an immense joy in itself. If you can admit me to become a Shinsengumi soldier, I'm sure I can make a difference. Hijikata: Even if you say that, if you really join, it's bound to raise eyebrows among the top brass of the Shogunate or even displease your father. It will definitely become a problem. Iba: What's the point of trying to please the top brass of the Shogunate who are largely a thing of the past? Toshi-san once said that most of the shogunate's core members are corrupted. Hijikata: I might have said something like that, but I probably misspoke. Yamazaki: Iba-san, please calm down a bit. The Shinsengumi isn't without its complications. If Iba-san joins us, there will undoubtedly be some bumps along the way. Iba: Are you saying my swordsmanship skills aren't sufficient? Hijikata: No, it's not about swordsmanship. Your sword skills are more than sufficient for a unit caption. Iba: Really? Then, please, let me join! 😣

(tbc.)

[babyangelsky]

Now that Anti Reset and Perfect Propose have soothed my salty little soul and I've had some time to sit with the finale I just wanted to get some thoughts out.

I'm...unsatisfied, to say the very least. I know we got that "to be continued" which hopefully means we get another season or a special or a movie or something to tie up all these loose ends because I need them tied. Cliffhangers by nature are meant to leave at least a couple of loose ends untied but Den. Bro.

Even if what we saw was a season finale and not a series finale, that doesn't really help because even season finales give a little bit of closure. Here there was no closure. None. Anywhere. That finale didn't leave me with the anticipatory kind of frustration that season finales have been leaving me with my whole life, where I'm excited to see what happens next. It left me with the frustration of needing answers but not knowing whether I'm actually going to get them.

One, because there's no guarantee we'll actually get a continuation. How many series have we seen announced that just never get made? (Wish Me Luck and Love Puzzle, I'm still waiting for you) And two, because Den has lost my trust as a writer.

I've been writing for eleven years. Not in any sort of professional capacity, just as a hobby, but even so I feel qualified to say that we tell on ourselves a little bit through our writing. Through any creative medium really. Part of the artist always goes into their art, they're reflected in their art.

I remember @heretherebedork saying in a post that Den's hangups about kink, virginity, and sex within and without the context of a committed relationship were coming through in his writing choices, and they did. Especially when you compare Playboyy to Only Friends which you can't help but do because there's so much overlap. Echoes of Only Friends were always present from the very beginning.

Den said himself that what he didn't get to say in Only Friends he said in Playboyy, and to an extent I do think that's true. I do think he touched on a lot of things he wanted to touch on, but that's just it. He merely touched on them. Commentary about sex and sex work was there in Playboyy and when it was done well, it was done really well.

When it wasn't, it stayed very surface level at best and at worst, it hindered not only the development of the characters and their relationships but also the plot.

I enjoyed Playboyy. All I ask of the media I consume is that it entertain me and I try not to look at it through the lens of a writer. If a piece of media I consume entertains me, it has done its job. Playboyy did its job but I am so dissatisfied with that finale and that dissatisfaction is deeply rooted in my lens as a writer.

I can't just see it as a piece of queer media about sex. I can't help but see all the things I would've changed or done differently or excluded all together. Stories about sex have the right to exist. Stories that talk about and include sex have the right to exist.

But if you set out to write a holistic story about sex that runs the gamut of experiences on both an individual and societal level, which is what Den intended, how then can you demonize the aspects of sex that don't conform to your worldview while idealizing the ones that do?

That I think is my biggest beef with Playboyy and with Den's writing. If I can't trust you to do what you said you were going to, how can I trust you to tie up the entire tassel of loose ends you left in your plot?

Who knows if that all made sense but I just needed to get it out of my system so I can rest. I hope we get some sort of continuation for this story because I have so many goddamn questions but I'm honestly wary of hoping for it.

[loorain]

Sims 4 Fontenot Legacy - New Beginnings in the New Year

First thing the next morning, as Scarlett finishes up her breakfast, she gets a call. An offer to work in the style influencer career? Well, Scarlett did say she was looking for a new challenge. After reaching the top level of the computer engineering career and then playing soccer professionally all before having Sabrina, she's been out of the workforce for some time. Her success has meant she didn't need to worry about money and could focus on raising her child and niece and nephew. Now that they're all adults with families of their own, Scarlett wants to do something new, and this is just the thing! Without much of a second thought, she accepts the job and officially starts a career in style influencing!

Sigrid is going through her own self-improvements too. After getting dressed for the day, Sigrid takes a good look at herself in the mirror and is slightly dissatisfied with what she sees. Her clothes don't seem to fit like they used to, and is that new cellulite? With her wedding dress already being ordered and fitted, she can't afford to not fit inside. No, something has to change.

Robin walks into the room, spotting her staring at herself in the mirror.

Robin: I know that face. Come, sit.

The two sit and Sigrid twiddles her fingers nervously.

Sigrid: Babe, be honest, have I gained some weight?

Robin pauses, knowing the common "does this make me look fat" trap generations of men have found themselves in.

Robin: Sig, you look beautiful as always. Do you feel like you've gained weight?

Sigrid: Well I haven't been able to keep up my workout regiment the same since the girls were born. It just seems like it's gotten harder and harder to find time in the day for it. And with the wedding so close, I don't want to mess anything up.

Robin: Well there's an easy solution to that! We can just start working out together again! Get you back on a regular workout routine! Just to give you peace of mind of course, because you look great.

Sigrid chuckles, noticing Robin's attempts to placate her.

Sigrid: Thanks honey. And yeah, maybe that'll be good for me. I miss being more active. I've been feeling a little too sedentary lately.

Robin: Then let's do it! I've already finished my workout for the day, so I'll take care of the girls while you get a sesh in, and then from this point forward we can work out together. How does that sound?

Sigrid: That sounds great. Thanks babe.

Robin: Don't mention it, now go get changed! Can't get a good workout in in those clothes!

So with that, Sigrid does indeed get changed and into the home gym, immediately starting to feel like herself as she does some time on the treadmill.

And Robin keeps his word of watching the girls, but the twins mostly take care of themselves, Audrey enjoying some doll time while Alma takes a nap.

Sigrid finishes her workout feeling awesome, but she also can't resist a fresh vanilla cupcake that Scarlett made shortly before she finished in the home gym. Hey, work hard, play hard!

Sabrina and Beau got to enjoy some time together as well, having a mini meetup/date before Juno returned from his dad's apartment. The two are feeling very secure in the relationship for the first time and things seem to be moving in the right direction!

Overall, the day was spent with family and good times, and each adult fulfilled something that is helping them lead toward their collective and individual futures! A new year brings with it many changes, and everyone at the Legacy House seems ready to take it on.

[beaversatemygrandma]

Yapping

So, I've realized that i have such a weird relationship with my mom now. Just first off. I heard I love you from her for the first time since young young childhood last month and we still have this thing of awkwardly saying goodbye on phone calls that last like an hour and dance around it until one of us does. Or entirely doesn't. But we have long ass phone calls now and i don't feel terrible afterwards now. So, honestly, an improvement. A big one. This is no longer a negative connection, but a connection. And I no longer want to cut her out of my life. So distance has helped. Just took... multiple years. ....I'm 26 now. This seems like the average age that happens to people. huh. (This is bc I just got off the phone with her. Not really much else there.)

But other than that, I've been stuck on something the last couple days. So, I've been like SUPER depressed this last week. After the failed dental extraction, and more dental appointments, being broke due to said appointments, going to work, being Extremely dissatisfied with my bf, and my side piece having gotten sick so I didn't even have an excuse to leave the house other than work. I was just straight up not having a good time through the week.

But saturday, my first day off, I woke up that morning and something in me was just "alright, I'm sick of this man. I'm sick of feeling like shit." And I went off on the bf first thing in the morning. I'm dressing myself in a way that feels hot as fuck. I straight up start ranting to him. Telling him that I've outgrown him, that he needs to get off his ass and out of his head and get a job, get a driver's license (we're 26 and live in the middle of nowhere. it is NEEDED and i don't want to be chauffeur all the damn time), that he's been annoying me lately, and that the only reason I haven't broken up with him was because I wouldn't have a place to live.

Yes, kind of super brutal for 10am.

But all he had in him was "I'm sorry. I deserve it. I'll put in more job applications." ...That was it. Kind of felt bad at that point because he didn't even stand up for himself. Like. Have some sense of self. Through the shopping trip of the day, because honestly it made me feel better, I had a very one sided and aggressive day of punch bug (they were EVERYWHERE for once.) and it just made me feel a bit better punching him every once and a while. And he just says "I guess the world feels the same way today. Just the day to beat me up." "I guess it's the abuse you day." I say entirely jokingly. He laughs sadly, "I deserve this. The world agrees." I can't even continue after that. Still punch him though. Still mad.

But I feel a bit better after that day. I feel bad for the bf. Not in the way that I feel bad for what I said, I literally just feel sorry for him. Though, I feel so much better having gotten those words out of my system. They were building up pretty badly.

But, that night, the side piece finally had time outside of work and other shit to find a few hours to hang out. And felt like a normal person again after whatever that sick was. (I heard his dad coughing while I was over there. It was true and it was not pleasant sounding.) I Needed to be away from the bf. I took him up on it so damn fast.

I ended up telling him exactly how the day went with the bf and I think he came to the same weird "I feel sorry for him." feeling. And also questioned how that didn't lead to a break up. And honestly, I kind of do too. Somehow, this same conversation evolved into him explaining how he'd slide into his old job that pays well and is an actual career job, paired with looking around for apartments. Then a whole damn thing of "They're always hesitant to rent to me due to the felon thing, but YOU."

So, basically an entire damn plan of me being the person on an apartment lease while he'd pay the rent. And there I am just reeling at a literal answer to my situation presented to me. I end up asking further on that. (Let's be honest, this guy is super easy to have a healthy thing going with, but is terrifying to commit to. There are layers. But, with this being ME on the lease, it wouldn't leave me stranded if he fucks up.) It came down to me having no credit in the slightest so i never get accepted for anything that requires a credit check. So suddenly he's turned into a financial advisor and is giving me every easy option to build credit. Pre-paid credit cards, car payments, etc. (I don't have a car payment. I own that thing.) I now have an auto pre-paid card on the way... And have an impulsive idea for when I have more than $1k in the bank. (Used car dealership in town has an old eclipse and it's kind of a dream car and it's only like $5k... It'll probably be the most unreliable thing I could ever get though. But it's nice looking and it'd be nice to have a car with more than a 4 liter engine. Though this is not even going to be a thought unless he'd be the one paying the down payment and everything for his little idea here.) Either way, holy shit, I've been presented with a whole ass escape plan.

We then spent the rest of the time, after a distraction of his kid's bedtime and her almost stabbing me with a cat (I shit you not.), just hanging out in his room and talking about the tattoo idea I had. He apparently knows somebody who does tattoos across the country and comes into town twice a year and always ends up booked out before he even gets to town. He's sending this guy a message, seeing when it would be, and all of this guy's stuff actually fits the vibe I'm going for. And did his best looking tattoo. I like these ideas. Especially because I'm not paying for any of it. And those tattoos are gorgeous.

But this is a whole thing. This guy is so damn strange to me. I know this has been going on for 8 months now and has been such a damn ride, but it still feels so odd. Like it started with me just rolling with things bc I genuinely just wanted to fuck up my current relationship somehow (bc telling him doesn't work.) and saying that I wouldn't want anything more than FWB. To him catching feelings. To me starting to. To probably the most pleasant "not-a-relationship" I've ever been in. To that weird parole issue and a small relapse that led to him being in jail for a month (This is the commitment fear!), to long phone calls that were a lot more romantically geared than usual, to him suddenly dropping the L word on me. To suddenly casual and feeling as if he was trying to start the entire relationship over. To as soon as we’re actually alone together right back into the more charged kind of interactions. To it feeling just more comfortable over time and us actively working on ourselves in our own ways and just coming together every once and a while bc it’s just comforting to be around each other for a bit.

To not a single one of those feelings having faded through all of it which is the crazy part.

Now there’s this being presented to me. It’s an escape from what’s been keeping me stagnant and depressed. It’s something where I wouldn’t have to be in control of everything because the other part of my partnership basically can’t do things for himself. This would be something where I wouldn’t have to be the one who is forced to organize and control the aspects of living. This would be somebody who is fully functional on his own and has outright told me that he dreams of it being a situation where I’d basically have the choice of working and paying rent. He wants to care for me and to quote “keep me happy and content”. He’s somebody who respects my boundaries and remembers all of the small things I say.

Like that idea he tossed out wasn’t random. It’s something I said early on into our whole weird relationship. Something where I told him that I’m searching for a way out but have nowhere to go that wouldn’t be me restarting in a whole new town. To which he said that he’d find a way to take care of it, that it might take a while, but he would. And now it’s starting to seem like this process is actually starting to make sense. It will take a while, but he’s actually doing that all the while keeping me happy and content the best he can.

Minus that one damn month. Given the phone calls were a nice nightly thing. But what was worse was before it and not quite noticing the very obvious signs of a relapse. That I now know at least. And I can talk sense into him. He actually listens. It’s not the bullshit where I explain things that need to be done, not even for the sake of the relationship but for himself, and only the bare minimum is taken from the conversation. It’s a whole damn long term plan with immediate action.

It’s stark is what it is. I’ve never really experienced that before. I know it’s with somebody who’s the riskiest damn person I could even have it happen with, but it’s somebody who actually does things right. I'M the one with the anxious attachment and the commitment fear. Not him. He’s willing for anything. And not even in a controlling way. (Now that one I have experienced. Scary shit.) This is just a very different thing that feels healthy and right but there’s so much to it that just feels like it’d be the stupidest mistake I could make.

8 goddamn months. This is longer than some people’s actual relationships that shatter and fall apart due to some of the shit that’s gone on here. And this has actual communication, understanding and care to it without the overbearing and clingy need of every other relationship I’ve been in. We have space apart and breathing room that actually helps us.

Given I’m curious what living together would do. Though we’d both be working and it’d mostly just be nights and that doesn’t even sound bad.

Though when I get depressed that space does leave me with that anxiety that everything has changed, he’s changed his mind and left this entire thing behind, hates me, or whatever bullshit my mind throws at me. But once I finally get his time and then him just listening to whatever I have to say from that time, it’s comforting to hear “why would you think that?” He’s not playing any games with me. It’s just what I’m used to.

It’s weird to look at all of this and realize that I’m the unhealthy one. I try not to be. I try not to let those thoughts just take over. They’re illogical and I know it. He’s just somebody who values in person time over anything else. He’s not somebody who wants to talk with me over text all the time. He waits to have our whole catch up of the week on the time that we get together so we’re able to keep our conversations going and interacting more. He’s quality time and acts of service which I can Greatly Appreciate.

I feel like I’m weighing the pros and cons of these two relationships. And there are so so many more pros with this one is all.

Edit: It's been two weeks. The updates on the bf: he got a successful interview at walmart of all places. And then proceeded to not answer the calls of any other places because that interview had been promising instead of weighing his options... Or even answered one call and said he already accepted an offer. (Uh. You didn't.) He focused on one of my notes instead of all of them. Got a job interview down. I'm going to be driving him there most of the time. A little counterintuitive tbh. He instead of giving me space and maybe making changes according to what I said, he's been attention seeking and needy. Affectionate and not in the ways I want. It's very much a "please pay attention to me, give me validation, and love me." when literally nothing has changed. I mean, he's practiced driving. Like ooh you drove from publix to walmart but you're still terrified of the neighborhood for some reason??? It's this overly anxious overthinking everything no matter what. You tell him not to worry, he worries. You tell him that nothing has to be perfect. It has to be perfect otherwise he freezes up and then goes into self depreciation mode because he "failed". Like genuinely, I think he needs some time in public with other people and a year or two of therapy before he'd even be a viable option for a long term relationship. I've at least gotten him to here I guess.

Then, the other one. Because I feel like I'm approaching something where i need to make a huge choice pretty soon. So, he got a second job back with an old employer and has been given a possibility of taking over their location, WITH AN ATTACHED 2 BED APT, and dropped some heavy hitting words on me with it. So, first off, I have a friend who shows up every couple years and it weirdly lines up with a couple months before a big life change. I mention this guy's appearance. This guy has nothing to do with the changes. So, he just casually mentions this job and place. A place that he could be in for free, just for working this location. Then says that this guy is just a weird harbinger and he hoped that a big change would happen for him. He mentions how he's trying to get taken off community control to make this option a possible one. And then very seriously and in a tone that definitely made sure it was heard (my hearing issues, he's figuring them out) says "I really do hope that part of that big life change would involve you." And then just starts going on describing the place and how we could easily just live there for free for a while. Just back to the concept of how he said months ago, that he just wants to have me happy, content, and cared for. So again: has listened to every little thing I worry about and has provided an escape plan for me. He's been working on this for a while.

And sure, the location is the next town over, but what's a 40 minute drive to work? To a place that I wouldn't even have to actually do full time at anymore in order to live?

My big thing here is literally just the fear I have of actually committing to him. He's volatile. He's a risk. I mean, everything is. But it'd be something where my independence is respected, but I'd be somewhat relying on somebody who could just go right back to old ways real quick and fuck up everything. (He's low risk right now tbh. But that could change...) I need to have time to sit down and properly talk to him about everything. I feel like we're kind of just skirting around the fact that we both clearly have feelings for each other that are just Stewing There, yet also working towards being able to have those in the open at the same time. Yet also not really doing much about it at all.

Then again, at some point in the next couple weeks, he did promise he'd make some extra time because he'll have the house to himself. And I'm pretty sure there's going to be a whole damn conversation during this. ...Paired in with some overdue stuff. Because it's been a couple months since we've had a chance to be alone proper... But this also leaves time to actually fully talk about this shit. Because I swear sometimes when he drops this stuff, I'm just staring at him like a deer in the headlights and I'm just thinking about how to even ask further about it. Because first off, it's presented without a lack of needed info. It's more just my anxiety wanting a full 100% explanation missing nothing. But what more do I need? This is a guy who has openly said that he loves me, listens to what I say, and acts on it. He's just busy. A lot lately. So it's distant. But he's actively working on something at the same time.

So, today, i was able to get the few minutes I could get with him. Literally just saying that what he said the other night has been just stuck in my head. And him just "let's hope it works." But it's the "I'll wait for you" at the risk of him possibly being late because there's those few minutes where our free time overlaps just to see each other. I can tell he's trying to make time for me in this chaotic schedule. He's reaching out and trying, but it's three different places that he needs to be for multiple hours a day. School, work, more work. Me? I've just got the one job and a want to be out of the house more so I don't get more annoyed with my bf's weirdly sad existence.

If I get off work early enough tomorrow then it'll happen again. And honestly, i expect a short morning text pep talk before my whole ass extraction procedure on thursday. Just little things in between that shows he remembers and cares. It's all I get. And I know why, but My God. I want him more than just this.

So back to pining for a bit I guess. Hopefully this gets soothed soon. Because there's a big choice that has to be made at some point in the future that I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to with how weirdly dissatisfied I am with my current state.

[froldgapp]

Hey! I am here visiting from ao3 after re-encountering HDWL from your recent repost. I first encountered that fic when I was 15 years old and left a very effusive review. I am 27 now, a long 12 years later. Through all these years, HDWL is indisputably the one piece of fan media that has left the biggest impression on my life and personal formation.

Re-discovering your writing (after many years of being on-and-off away from fandom) has been a joy. At first when I saw HDWL reposted on ao3 I thought it was a plagiarist capitalizing off HDWL’s popularity, but I read some of your Froldgapp work (having no background familiarity with the source material, DC) and it became immediately obvious that you are who you say you are. You have such a distinctive voice. Just in your recent writing: “an upturned spider, a crushed bird,” “wet cells dried to pumice,” the cinematic image of Tim on the balustrade, “marrowless and light,” “a dancer held aloft by the fickle hands of Gotham.” I can’t get enough of it. Your stories have such an impeccable sense of drama without dipping into cloying sentimentality or melodrama, and I so admire your turns of phrases. I think the appropriate phrase here is “felicity of language” -- your use of language is so unexpected and so felicitous and I continue to be delighted by it.

I hope you choose whatever makes sense for you in terms of fanfic writing in the future. I just want to tell you that your writing has left a tangible impact on me and I remember it with deep affection all these years later.

All this to ask for the recent question prompt:

46. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven) and my own follow up question: (how) has that evolved over the years?

And 43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters or are you more the “If you hurt them I will kill everyone and then myself” kind of person? And follow up question: if the answer is the former, why do you think you enjoy doing so/what is the psychological mechanism here?

Oh wow. I truly don't know what to say. This is one of the most powerful messages I've ever received. I've often felt like the writer of now is so disconnected from the writer of then (HDWL), so this really means a lot to me. I can't do a very good job of expressing how unusual and magical the feeling is of reading this ask: like we're waving hello at each other but also at the various "us"s of years ago. Mad and wonderful! One million thank yous.

46. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven) and my own follow up question: (how) has that evolved over the years?

Ooft! I'm not sure I'm even qualified to answer this! I'll try... I feel fairly confident in saying I work in a heavily character-driven mode. I think that's also what made HDWL such a departure for me even then; working to a strict plan. Quiet Crown, my first ever fanfiction, I wrote totally on the fly (and I think it shows). Now, generally, I have a few tent poles or a compass direction in mind that I then seek out when writing (not always succeeding–sometimes the story breaks free then I exhaustedly look at all these tent poles and think, "Well, where am I supposed to put you now?!") I also work–or at least mostly work–intuitively. I do a lot of listening to the characters, be it before writing or actually as I type. It's a cliche, isn't it? But it feels true. Likewise, I do feel each story has its own kind of musical key, and I get super dissatisfied and agitated if there's a word or phrase that jars. I'll work at it until it "fits" (many times after the story has been published because I'm impatient :D) Then, maybe years of working as a editor has made me a bit more averse to abundance or over-explanation. There's a story I wrote about an older Tim and Barbara getting together and it's so short while the story felt so huge in my head! But there's simply nothing else I could say that wouldn't feel like betraying the story. I believe–and I'd be curious to know if this is the experience for folk reading my stuff–I trust readers to fill in a lot of the gaps and be sort of co-creators. As a reader, I love big soupy, indulgent fics but I adore writers who can stay very lean and still say a lot. Finally on evolution (perhaps devolution), I wish I still had the discipline I had in HDWL to stage direct scenes. I think that's something I unknowingly lost fluency in along the way.

And 43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters or are you more the “If you hurt them I will kill everyone and then myself” kind of person? And follow up question: if the answer is the former, why do you think you enjoy doing so/what is the psychological mechanism here?

Oooooh. So, I am a dedicated whump fan. It's probably my true "home" in fanfiction. I wouldn't say I get a sadistic joy (though I don't judge folk who do) but rather it feels like a heightened way of feeling or an exorcism of feeling via these very extreme and clear means. And to answer the follow up question, I guess that's what's happening here. Any moments of loneliness or loss or yearning or regret, etc., on-page are very true feelings for me. And the feelings don't need to be a 1:1 match. Rather the little wound in me speaks to the little wound in the character. Maybe I can describe it as an echo between me and my experiences and those of the character. As for the true, gold seal physical whump, I suppose that's a more direct, externalised way of feeling that pain. Maybe there's something quite maladaptive in it? I'm not sure, but I guess it is a method of processing. Can other whump writers/readers speak to this?

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a generous message. It means more than I can possibly say here. <3