#omgrpswallow

[theswallow-su]

Does Kent Parson Know How Fruit Works?

Turns out, he does! Or he does now that SMH’s tiny forward, ERIC BITTLE, has explained it to him with a (helpful!) diagram. Is it just us, or does our hockey team get closer and closer to NHL stars with every passing week? (And who wants to take bets that KENT PARSON is going to hire Bittle as his personal Fruit Tutor?)

Speaking of which, it turns out that JUSTIN OLURANSI is taking notes on the what it’s like to kiss a guy in preparation for planting a big one on KENT PARSON himself when he comes to town. It’s unclear if Parson is coming to town specifically to kiss Oluransi or if the timing is just a happy coincidence. (More on this story as it develops.)

In other NHL news, ALEXEI MASHKOV was seen playing beer pong (and losing) at one of SMH’s recent kegsters. Meanwhile, JACK ZIMMERMANN was seen talking about dicks on his blog.

Also, ADAM BIRKHOLTZ and KENT PARSON were seen talking about NHL prospects. Will Samwell have another pro alumnus come next season?

Alumnus B. KNIGHT will be turning in his lawyer badge and taking the stand as LARISSA DUAN prosecutes him for being a total nerd. (Our sources say that the honorable JACK ZIMMERMANN will preside.)

As for our favorite Samwell gossip, guess who spent Christmas in Maine with his D-man partner? That’s right! DEREK NURSE was apparently so loved by the family of WILLIAM POINDEXTER that he let the younger kids dress him up as a princess over the holiday. There’s still no official word on their relationship status, but nothing says boyfriends like playing dress-up with your partner’s little siblings!

It looks like we have a new pair to gossip about! Freshman RAFAEL WALKER was reported as sleeping over with fellow teammate TONY STEELE in Steele’s dorm room. Of course, it’s possible that the boys were having a good old-fashioned sleepover, but we at The Swallow are wondering...could this be another budding romance on the hockey team? (It sure seems like a popular place for relationships to develop!)

After the public debate between MARCH ANDERSON and JUSTIN OLURANSI, we’ve decided to put the question to a poll: Are ghosts real? (And have you had any supernatural encounters?)

Reply to this post with your answer and one lucky follower will win the right to give us the title of our next post!

[theswallow-su]

Wait, so Poindexter isn't straight? But he had a Republican sticker on his laptop. And a lot of people have seen or heard him get lectured about homophobia and gender/sexuality issues from Nurse and that loud feminist guy. Where's sources that he isn't?

Look, Grayface, we  aren't in the business of assuming gender or sexuality. We simply report what we hear and see. 

If you missed out on the DEXNURSEY fun, you can always head over to one of their blogs. Trusts us, now that we know they like to flirt publicly we’ve had our team avidly going through them trying to find more information. 

[theswallow-su]

MAYDAY MAYDAY!!!! NURSEY AND DEX ARE TOTALLY FLIRTING ON THE DASH! NURSEY SAID THAT HE WRITES POEMS ABOUT DEX BECAUSE HE IS "POETIC" !!!!!!!

Well, well, well, it looks like someone’s getting fired from The Swallow today, making me look ridiculous while publishing old news! 

My, my, DEREK NURSE, there will definitely be a lot of hearts broken when people find out that the freckles and red hair you’ve been writing about aren’t theirs, but in fact belong to the man we thought was your number one enemy, WILLIAM POINDEXTER.