#omfg i just wrote qvc fanfiction

[elindae-writes]

megatron calls in to QVC

Karen claps her hands. "Hello, lovelies! We just finished up Friday Night Beauty and now I will walk us through some lovely decorations you can craft and touch up your home with." She walks out into a fake outdoors garden, sniffs a plastic rose, and then cheerfully stands behind a white picnic table with craft supplies scattered all over it.

The phone rings.

"Ooh! Our first caller. Let's see who wants to make a lovely calligraphy chalkboard name sign with us first!"

The phone line clicks. Heavy staticky breathing rasps over. The caller coughs. "it is your lord calling."

Karen blinks. "Oh? Heh, this caller has a sense of humor!"

A technician out of view of the recording camera rolls up a wheeled stand with a small TV on it. It has Megatron's 24/7 Facebook livestream on it. Lord Megatron, caller of QVC, is sat before a rusty metal table with an identical set of craft supplies laid out on it.

"i saw the ad for this craft-time on your facebook page," he wheezes. "let us craft together, karen."

Karen gulps. "Okay. O-okay. Let's get started."

Happy music begins playing.

"you always were my favorite qvc host," Megatron grunts.

Karen's smile becomes very fake. "O-oh, thank you--"

"you are nothing like that other bitchy host. monica. god."

Monica is standing off to the side of the set. She gasps.

"the last time she tried a crafting activity she just fucked it all up. she can't make a wholesome chalkboard home sign. shame upon her." Megatron slams his fist down onto his desk to accentuate his point. QVC is now airing both their broadcast and Megatron's side-by-side.

Karen shakily gestures at the craft supplies upon her table. "And, uh, what would you like your sign to say, my Lord?"

He hums in thought. "mhmm. live, love, laugh, lord."

Karen claps her hands and nods vigorously. "Excellent choice, my Lord."

She sets to work constructing it and explaining how to do so.

"fuck," Megatron mutters.

"My Lord?"

"i accidentally stabbed my sign with the tip of my talon." It is now embedded on his talon. He waves it around and it doesn't dislodge itself. "what is the protocol for when your tasteful home decor gets stabbed onto your claw?"

Karen gulps. "You, uh, ask a friend to take it off."

Megatron nods. "indeed. SOUNDWAVE. assist your lord with his diy."

Soundwave hovers on the edge of the camera's view.

"soundwave. cometh. why are you so hesitant? perhaps starscream is more willing. STARSCREAM. diy or die."

Starscream shakily steps into view, slides the chalkboard sign off of Megatron's talon, and then runs out of view. He sobs.

Karen clears her throat. "Y-you know, I created signs just like these for my twin son's shared room. We made them together."

"oh? i have my own twins."

"Really?"

"yes. one is an f-16-C fighting falcon heat-seeking missile equipped fighter jet and the other is a general atomics MQ-9 spy drone reaper."

"...Oh."

"indeed," Megatron rumbles. "i used to have a brother but then he became a backstabbing bitch eighteen-wheeler."

"..."

"so i am brotherless," Megatron finishes. He seems satisfied with himself.

Karen's mouth is suddenly dry. "I see."

"do you? must i lift the blindness from your eyes, oh karen? do you have any siblings, karen?"

Karen reviews her options. She could lie and say no. But... she can't help but get the sense that Lord Megatron would likely find out that she lied about the existence of Karl.

"Karl. His name is, um, Karl."

"kaarrllll," he huffs. "has he ever betrayed you?"

"Ah, no?"

"has he now? or has he just not yet?" A growl vibrates through the phone line. The chalkboard in Megatron's grasp snaps in half. He quickly tosses it aside and grabs a new one. The new one is heart-shaped.

"He wouldn't betray me--"

"THAT IS WHAT THEY ALL SAY, BLOOD BROTHERS AND ADOPTED ONES ALIKE," Megatron's voice booms. "trust me, karen, when i say that soon this 'karl' character will konspire against you."

"Um."

"soon you will be there before the senate, ohhhh, the eyes of the elites allllll upooonnnn you--"

"Um?"

"--and you will be ready to take your place as lord over all of them! and then? and then?"

More heavy breathing rasps over the phone.

"And then?" Karen asks.

"karl will strike! he will use his dastardly skills to claim the Matrix of Leadership and embed it into his own being so that only he can be privy to the whisperings of the gods," Megatron hisses. "prepare, karen, prepare. life outside your astroturfed fake garden studio is a cruel one. what are karl's skills?"

"Um. H-he works at McDonald's."

Megatron sharply inhales. A sudden silence buzzes over the phone line.

"M-my Lord? My Lord?"

"mcdonald's, you say?"

The phone rings.

"Oh! A new caller."

She accepts the call.

"MEGATRON," Optimus says.

"oh!" Megatron growls. "look who decided to make his grand debut! and during my craft time, no less."

"Friday Night Craftpalooza is the right of every sentient being. It is not meant for just you."

"you took the matrix away from me! you took cybertron away from me! and most horribly, you took yourself away from me, orion! and now?! you have taken away my craft time."

"You took all of those things, including craft time, away from yourself, Megatron," Optimus says. "You must deal with the consequences of this war and of this craft time."

Karen's jaw drops. Soundwave lunges in and rips the phone out of Megatron's grasp. He runs off with it.

Megatron glares. He then reaches under the desk and--oh no--

He grabs a new phone.

He calls in to QVC. Karen hesitantly picks it up.

"karen," Megatron says suddenly. "i want to talk to the manager."

part 2 is here