#omfg I am so not looking forward to cleaning this up X_X

[blackcatanna]

The Tale of the Demon Arms of Horniness Part 4(?)

Finally, we have arrived at Edo Blossoms! Things should be getting real weird(er) soon so I'm looking forward to that... Honestly, I don't like Iba's route, really... I prefer him when he shows up in other people's routes being a li'l shit... Anyway, we'll see how this goes.

"A selfish, ruthless ex-Captain of the Shinsengumi, Kanryusai Takeda," ENTER BASTARD! :')

"Iba, as a descendant of a famous sword dojo, had a reputation to uphold." Fair enough, makes sense. "Thus," uh-huh... "He became a Fury and fused a Demon's arm to his shoulder" o_e -_- I'm sure... Uh... Actually, no. This logic makes no sense at all, especially when you consider that he is forbidden to engage in human conflict in exchange for his demon powers. Historical Iba didn't let losing an arm stop him (not that I would blame him if it had)!

ANYWAY, Chapter 1: A Horny Spectre Looks: in which maybe Iba and Takeda start to get intrusive horny thoughts about our heroine, maybe not, I don't remember how soon that shit kicks off...

"Huh? Why are you thanking me?" It's a fair question (sorry, Chizuru) "If it were just me handling the house affairs, I'd no doubt lose my mind" Awe! Get you, Chizuru, being useful! We stan! And good for Shimada acknowledging her domestic work... Now I am concerned about how much thankless work she may have done back in Kyoto... What does a page even do? Also, was she paid??? I hope so but I doubt it X_X

"I can't look at you without beaming with pride," new dad alert!

"Neither Nagakura nor Harada could emerge from their funk after suffering serious, devastating trauma from the battle," o_e is "funk" a poorly judged euphemism for ptsd???

"Iba, whom I hadn't seen" *flips table* then why the fuck am I here??

Who the fuck ever even uses this medicine? Players of this game, I mean!

"Iba exalted over the steaming tea cup," XD Bless him...

"has that cretin, Takeda," XD FFS IBA! Poor Takeda :')

Iba clearly knows something bad... WHY DOES NOBODY TELL ME ANYTHING???? REVEAL YOUR SECRETS, SLUT!!! (Omfg, I am turning into Miki X_X)

"Spending time with you is such a luxury," BLEURGGH "That it would be a waste to let my mind wander so easily," >:( JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON! STOP TRYING TO DEFLECT WITH PRETTY WORDS >:(

"I wondered what thoughts plagued Iba's mind..." But I guess we can't just ASK because that would be RUDE and UNLADYLIKE -_-

"A feeling of guilt bubbled in my stomach." Repeat this phrase every few lines until the game ends...

COOL, we're going to Yukimura's home! Thankfully, we already know that Kodo's a creep so he won't ambush us! Hopefully, I am correct in recalling that weird horniness ensues...

"..." "Iba...?" Clearly, there is something wrong with this boi! Maybe look into that?? Omg, is it the horniness?!? I BET IT'S THAT! HERE IT COMES, FINALLY (seriously, who thought that this was a good narrative device??? -_- )

"something told me what Iba was concerned with was far more serious..." It's his boner, Chizuru... I guess that a haunted arm, brain and penis is pretty concerning...

"He furrowed his brow in quiet contemplation." XD If I wrong, I am going to look very stupid but if I'm right, this is hilarious!

"I darted my eyes around the yard, hoping to pin down what might've distracted him," XD Tbf, it must be very distracting having the ghost of some guy who's arm you've nicked constantly whispering horny thoughts at you (or however demon-induced-horniness works...) "but I was too nervous to ask him myself." ... Ngl, for once, this is probably for the best (assuming that I am right. I have played this route once before, of course. I feel like no sane person could predict this shit blindly)

"I felt compelled to comfort him." Well, Chizuru, I can think of an easy way for you to do that...

Ooh! I rlly like this musique! :)

"The melancholy in his eyes felt thicker than the dust around us. It was like I was speaking with a shadow." Chizuru should take up work as a goth poet.

"Did something happen, Iba...?" Ya, somebody chopped off his arm and replaced is with a creepy demon arm that wants him to fuck you... I can certainly forgive you for not predicting that last part... You know what, there are SO MANY THINGS which would make more sense! Sad because disillusioned with Shogun. Sad because realises that all his friends are doomed to die in a futile war in which he cannot participate. Sad because lonely because of constant veneer of perfection which no one has ever seen past. Sad because forever barred from using his carefully honed skills for anything which may benefit humanity. Sad because knows his shogunate friends won't understand why he has to abandon them to their fate. Sad because unwittingly unleashed superpowered Takeda on the world after losing his cool one time. I mean, there's so many things going on in Iba's life right now! All of them more interesting than a horny arm!

"You aren't as responsive as you normally are." -_- Perfect boy is broken so let's poke him, I guess...

"... Forgive me." :( Chizuru should kiss him >:( sad boy needs kiss! >:D

"the shogunate's Chief Vassal and I haven't exactly seen eye to eye." Could it be... Not horny???

Awe, Iba's worried about Hijikata bae and upset with the shogunate officials for mistreating him <3

"they wallow in their vanity." Well, this is a better reason to be withdrawn than because horny. Perhaps I misjudged this game but I am not so sure just yet... -_-

"Hijikata will figure something out" omfg, even my dialogue options are leaving everything up to poor Hiji-mama X_X Seriously, does he have to do fucking everything???

"But that smile is more like it. You're beginning to look like the Iba I remember." ... O_e Is Chizuru using toxic masculinity against Iba? Bad feminist: Yukimura Chizuru! Let him be sad, dammit! >:(

"You know, all of that explains so much..." "Iba shied away from me all of a sudden," Oh no... Is there more? Is this it?

OH FUCK, "To tell you the truth, something else has ensnared me. Something for which you may not be prepared..." OH FFS! I ALMOST LET MY GUARD DOWN BUT HERE IT FUCKING COMES X_X

"Huh? What else is there...?" Well, I can think of a few things but none of them include THIS

"Iba reached for me all of a sudden." X_X There it is. Fucking knew it. Dammit, Iba, your boner killed the nice music!

"And then..." "...!" X_X

"Iba tackled me, pinning me to the floor before I could react, kicking up a cloud of dust that tickled my nose." XD What an image!

Okay, now romantic music is playing but Chizuru looks scared shitless... Honestly, I am on the side of the music here! Chizuru, he is your love interest! Please summon some enthusiasm! He's pretty hot!

"I trembled underneath him." Understandable if horny, not if scared. Why would you suddenly be scared of Iba? Maybe she can sense demonic possession but I call bs... Honestly, I feel like this game just wants her to be all disgustingly pure and virtuous and shit. CHIZURU, WE HAVE READ YOUR EPIC THIRST PASSAGES ABOUT HIJIKATA!!! WE KNOW YOU'RE A THIRSTY BITCH LIKE THE REST OF US!!!

KISS HIM >:D

"his eyes had seemed more ravenous than passionate." Seems fine, KISS HIM!!! >:D

Seriously, how is she not even a little turned on by this? Don't you fancy this man? If not, why the fuck are we even here?!

"As I braced myself for my lips to touch--" XD sexy. Plot twist: Iba's demon arm is totally chill but he tried to kiss her and she wasn't into it and so needed to manufacture an excuse to save face. Takeda's in on it, of course. Because why the fuck not? They're boyfriends now. Makes more sense than whatever this shit is.

ANYWAY, yeah, sorry Iba! Even after all the romancing you did in Kyoto and all your childhood memories, guess she still isn't into you.

"I-It's okay!" -_- not terribly helpful or genuine sounding. Why bother, seriously...

"guilt began to well inside of me," -_- uuuuuuggggghhhhh

"My heart was pounding at a frightening pace," yet, for all the wrong reasons -_-

"Iba, a figure of propriety and class, was the last person I'd ever expect to force himself onto me..." WOAH. That's quite a fucking leap, Chizuru! He made to kiss you, you weren't into it, he did not kiss you! Chill the fuck out! Do any of the other guys ask before kissing you on their routes? I haven't played them all but I know that plenty don't.

HONESTLY, THIS WHOLE THING IS SO STUPID. LET PEOPLE BE HORNY ON THEIR OWN.

I couldn't even enjoy this even if I was into this route because Chizuru is so visibly uncomfortable. Seriously, WHO IS THIS FOR?!? People who like to see a woman uncomfortable in sexual situations because it confirms her "purity"??? I am TROUBLED.

Like, at least let her be into it even if she refuses him due to impropriety or literally any reason she likes!

"What was he planning to do...?" Well, seeing as he could physically have done anything he wanted due to his superior strength, it's safe to assume that he did not intend to assault you! Looks like he wanted to kiss you but you weren't into it so he backed off.

Tbf, I can see how this would be uncomfortable. It's always difficult when someone reveals strong feelings which aren't reciprocated

But I still can't believe I played through the entirety of Iba's fucking Kyoto Winds route only for Chizuru to still not be into him... -_- (is this game trying to slut shame me??? "Only a SLUT kisses after the umpteenth date!" "No no! Only a SLUT even acknowledges that they were ever on a date, even when her friend aggressively points it out!" Like, what are these Victorian values that Chizuru seems to embody... No one is like that! It's an ideal of womanhood which exists only in the minds of Victorian vicars! Or, at least, their sermons...

"I thought it better not to ask." Yeah, this doesn't seem important.

Oh, and bloodlust too... Chizuru really said, "I'll let you drink my blood straight from the source but I won't give you a kiss even though you are my love interest and most important guy in the world to me" XD

"A-All good..." Uh-huh... -_-

"Could this be..." PUNISHMENT FOR DARING TO BE HORNY INSIDE A HAKUOKI GAME??? (Better send some goblins after Saito in that one bloodlust scene of his too)

Wow, somehow, the whiteness of his hair only reinforces how pale his skin is.

Bitch, you know for sure that you are not going to use that fucking medicine. Actually, Chizuru might. She seemingly not that into poor Iba. (Side note: when I wrote "poor", my autofill wanted to add "Takeda" XD poor poor Takeda).

Honestly, I feel like Chizuru has her own horny demon living inside her. Its name is Anna and she mostly ignores me >:( but I can make her let I a drink her blood! Tiny revenge...

One of these days, I'm just going to keep making him endure it and watch him lose his mind but I cba today.

"Come here. Take a drink of my blood." XD Why is this funny to me?

"Sweat dripped down the sides of his contoured cheekbones." BITCH, I SEE YOU!!! DON'T YOU DARE TRY AND TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT TO KISS THIS FUCKER!!!

Pretty sure that Chizuru's not completely asexual, based on the routes I have played (though that would be valid) but it's hard to tell since she never really gets to say what she wants... I guess that's the problem with being an otome heroine. Right now, she's possessed with the spirit of a horny goblin but maybe I should ask one of my ace friends to try this game and see what they think... Also, I don't think that I am particularly horny! I identify as demisexual... But I do occasionally do things which some may consider scandalous... But I haven't had sex in well over two years and I'm fine with that... Well, they say that sexuality is a spectrum but I think that it has many, many dimensions... Wow, this got completely sidetracked... This game has got me thinking about assumptions to question, which is a whoooole other rabbit hole and so I shall CEASE.

ANYWAY, despite my urges to Chizuru to kiss Iba, I am really not feeling him... I feel like I would have a huge crush on him if I met him irl but his route is so stale, devoid of chemistry and full of bizarre narrative choices that it leaves me completely cold :(

"What you s-suggest... is s-sickening!" Yaaas! That's right, qween! My ideas are always sickening, no?

"I s-simply have no desire to drink y-your blood." Orlly?

"Promise me that y-you won't--urnh--look back at me until I finish..." Ugh, isn't giving you my blood enough for you?

"You mustn't watch me d-defile your precious body with my g-ghoulish needs..." Firs of all, what a fucking sentence. Secondly, Iba, don't be so selfish; maybe she is into that! Thirdly, I am sensing a fucking purity kink here and I am sooooo not into that XD

"he tepidly stuck his tongue out to lick." Omfg, you're doing it now! May as well enjoy it! -_-

"the pleasure I took in soothing his agony was enough of a distraction." I feel like this is a specific kink but I don't have a word to mind...

"I noticed myself blushing, and felt ashamed for having even fantasized about what had happened." NO, GIRL!!! DON'T SLUT SHAME YOURSELF! LET YOURSELF BE HORNY FOR IBA! YEEESSSSS!!! 3:D

"Or, did Iba have feeli--No. Thinking about it could only hurt me," y tho? -_- Of course he has feelings for you! He has stated as much before! Y U SO DENSE (stupid puritanical womanly ideal >:( )

"We'll all be buried by the time we're done waiting for you." XD seems unlikely, giving Yukimura's character but I always appreciate some good Hijikata snark :')

"I barely recognised any of the Shinsengumi men in their new attire." ... Hmm... Seems unlikely...

"Edo was an unsafe place for a young woman," ah yes, fair enough. I am sure that many thugs, ronin, thieves, drunkards, etc. lurk about :) "what with the Fury Corps on the prowl..." ... FFS GUYS!!???? OMFG!!! CAN YOU MAYBE NOT UNLEASH A SQUAD OF BLOODTHIRSTY, UNDEAD SOLDIERS ON THE CITY?!??? My sympathy with Itou only grows the more I play this game... -_-'

"is this your first time visiting Hachiro's place...?" Alas, yes, since Chizuru seemingly does not wish to hook up with him for some reason... Maybe she also thinks that their chemistry is terrible...

Oooh! Iba is a rich kid, of course! Let's see if his HOOSE lives up to Hijikata's implications...

Like most routes, this is making me love Hijikata more than the guy who's route I'm on... I want to stay with bastard mum, not go live in a gilded cage with Hachiro the Horny!

"a huge, lavish mansion." XD of course!

Hijikata is LOVING THIS!

"She's just wondering how she's gonna fit all her stuff inside, is all." Omfg, this is something that my Mum would say to me as a roast because I really do have a fuckload of stuff (gotta commit to that mad gothic wizard aesthetic)

"I was entranced by the sheer size of Iba's estate." Enough to fuck him? All I want to know is whether Iba has style and taste... Someone get Miki! And Kimigiku! Sen too! Miki's the resident fashion bitch, Kiku is fabulous and Sen seems to be smart enough to care about such important things!

"You may not recall him, but Motoyama will be joining us" XD poor Motoyama! Of course I remember him! He was very memorably scared shitless of the Shinsengumi!

Motoyama, why are you such a fucking mess? Do you have a crush on Hijikata or something???

"Sounds like you can relax a little bit." Hm. We'll see..

"your time'll come." Nope. Demon arm!

"She's a troublemaker." XD Only in the most passive sense!

"he sneered coyly" omfg, I need to see this XD

"See how sweet she is, Iba?" I can hear you X_X

MOTOYAMA FFS "This is the ample opportunity to revel in the pleasures of a honeymoon without anyone else to impede on your celebration!" WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS COMING FROM??? TOO LITTLE TOO LATE! The romance was extinguished before the conclusion of the first game, like a candle deprived of oxygen! Where was your aggressive shipping then?!

"HER? As my wife?!" Um, EXQUEEZ ME!

"I'm unfit to serve as a husband at this time!" XD the fuck does that mean? Bitch, you ain't got shit else to do! You're not allowed to interfere in human conflicts... In fact, you're SUPPOSED to be stopping The Evil Egg and Takeda completing world domination but, since you cba, now is the perfect time to learn how to husband! (Do we think Iba knows what a clitoris is? I vote No). But seriously, it'd be nice to see Iba try to be vulnerable with someone for once. Motoyama can give Iba and Chizuru couples' therapy!

"Well, well. It seems both of you are stuck on the 'Woe is me, I'll never be good enough for the other' stage of your relationship, eg?" ... Did the writers just commit seppukku???

"I have to admit, I'm rather jealous..." Awe, Motoyama, maybe take your own advice and admit to Hijikata that you want him to step on you...

"With a gleeful smile, Motoyama pranced out of the room." XD This bitch! I love him! He is such a queen <3 This is what Iba deserves for being a li'l shit in Souma's route...

"Motoyama has a terrible sense of humor." *flashback to him drunkenly climbing a tree to try and reach the Moon* what are you taking about? He's a fucking genius!

"the two of us ate supper together in silence" is this supposed to be romantic tension? To me, it just looks like two people with nothing to say to each other...

"I found it impossible to sleep, as my attention was drawn to the room's extravagant décor," finally, a relatable moment! Mmmm... Pretty things...

"...I wondered if Iba was having any difficulty sleeping." XD Oh, I am sure he was...

"Hope you don't mind but I prepared some breakfast for you. Allow me to arrange the table for you." ... Chizuru deciding to play Motoyama's game, it seems... X_X IF I FORCE MY FOOD, SERVICE AND EVEN MY LITERAL BLOOD ON HIM, WILL HE LOVE ME THEN???

They're fucking married and I hate it.

Iba is a better Not-Husband than Kazama though... That fucking guy...

"allow me to manage all of your minutiae, including the welcoming of guests and post." OMFG STOP. FUCK OFF. STOP FORCING YOURSELF INTO HIS LIFE. I hate this...

HE HAS STAAAFFFFFF!!!

GIRL, YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE!!!

IBA, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, DO NOT ALLOW THIS! IF YOU WANT A WIFE, WIFE THIS GIRL!

"I'm not sure I could stand to let any other woman cook for me again." Motoyama is trying his best but I feel like I am trapped in a domestic nightmare... This is weird... Chizuru is throwing her WIFEness at Iba like crazy and he's not acting like a husband in return. It's weird. Chizuru, stop. Back off a little, please!

"Say, why don't all of us go out for a drink?" Please?

LETTER OF DOOM (probably, knowing this game)

Nice to see Iba being angry and upset for a change! Let it all out, queen!

Okay, too far... "Iba began swinging his sword wildly," Perhaps if you let your emotions out more frequently in a controlled manner, this kind of outburst wouldn't happen (and Takeda might still be human... And you, too)

"Erm, why are you so upset...?" ... FFS CHIZURU X_X

"The shogunate ruthlessly feeds them to the dogs!" Yeah, this is pretty horrible, ngl. Genuinely curious as to what inspired such loyalty to the Shogunate in particular from the Shinsengumi...

"They sneer upon the Shinsengumi from their ivory towers," :'( Cruel and stupid, truly an unfortunate combination.

"What could I suggest that could substitute a possibly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity ...?" Well, you could send him to interfere with the demons getting involved in the conflict on the opposing side, you could finally go and fuck up Kodo, Takeda and the other furies, you could set about repairing the damage done to Sen's village, get to know the demons better, now that you are part of their world...

I wish Takeda would show up. I miss him...

"you can't just quit now " yeah, he should've quit as soon as he acquired the demon arm, gone and done something useful...

"I am in no way permitted to use my power against any humans." Dumbass, there'll be plenty of furies for you to slice.

"So, that leaves me with few suitable opponents, notably Takeda, Kodo, and... Whatever Fury cohorts they have in their company." Also, Kazama and friends. So maybe get on that asap, yes? Before they kill more people!

Omfg, my cat just coughed up a fucking enormous hairball on my Mum's cream carpet so I am going to call it a night... I'm probably at the end of a chapter but I need to deal with this! FFS PERCY XD Tbf, he is very fluffy.