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raelyn-dreams · 1 year ago

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I know we all joke about the ninja being dumb, but looking at their combined education...it's honestly a wonder that they're functioning this well.

To start off:

Cole: Probably had the most education out of all of them. Canonically went to grade school, before his mother passed and he attended the Marty Oppenheimer School of Performing Arts before running away. Was old enough for the school to not alert his father at least (or check with him, if Cole lied about needing to drop out), so it was either a high school/college/mixture boarding school at the very least.

Jay: Also went to grade school (his s7 comments about History Museum field trips). Assuming Kai, Cole, and Jay are all in their mid-late teens at the series start, he probably also had some form of high school education, plus mechanic/inventor knowledge from Ed & Edna. May have dropped out/already graduated when Wu found him. The only reason he's lower than Cole is that his presumed education past grade school is uncertain.

Zane: Technically, since Zane is a nindroid, he didn't need school. However, we are shown that Dr. Julien built Zane to progressively learn similar to a human in at least some respects, so I'd say Zane was "homeschooled" (if unconventionally). It is shown that flipping off his memory switch did not take away from his learned skills, so Zane is very much educated and capable prior to his nindroid discovery.

Nya: Went to grade school (also s7 History Museum field trip comments), but probably dropped out/did not finish her high school education, due to being in her early/mid-teens when she and Kai joined Wu, and her seeming to run the customer service and financial aspects of Four Weapons. Nya is also a very skilled inventor, mechanic, and pilot, which are most likely skills she picked up from being thrust into independence at a young age.

Lloyd: Was dropped off at Darkley's Boarding School for Bad Boys at a very young age. He ran away multiple times, and was eventually kicked out in Season 1, for "lacking the amoral ambition to become one of tomorrow's masterminds". It's known that not much teaching happened at Darkley's at the time, in favor of lessons in evildoing, so young Lloyd's primary source of education came from the ninja. It can be safely assumed he was tutored to some extent, due to the behavior of his older self, but Lloyd's education was still minimal, at least.

Kai: Kai comes in at the bottom of the list for one simple reason: it's unknown if he ever attended school at all, let alone how much. He doesn't chime in on the s7 History Museum field trip conversation, and due to having been abandoned at a young age, it's possible he had to sacrifice his own education for Nya's. We know Kai took up blacksmithing, which seemed to be the sibling's primary, if only, source of income. He threw himself into his work, and though it seems a bit shoddy in the pilots, he was good enough to reforge the Golden Weapons in s10, showing he did possess at least some skill, if not being downright amazing. Looking into his behavior, mannerisms, and general knowledge on other occasions, Kai comes across to me as someone who maybe completed elementary school, but probably never went higher in favor of keeping Four Weapons afloat and his sister supported.

As a Gifted Kid™, I think it just goes to show that while education is important, it's not the end of the world if you're a bit slow or didn't get to complete yours. The ninja may be barely functioning at times, but they've also saved the realm(s) at least once a season, with or without trigonometry. It depends on your path in life, and as Cole tells Lou, he's decided that he doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps, but forge his own path.

Also, Bonus:

Morro: Was literally on the street, taking food from trashcans to survive, before he was found by Wu. It can be assumed Wu tutored him in some way, though Morro ran away young, probably around his early-mid teens, judging by his size. He also died young, around the same age as the present-day ninja, so it can be assumed his education probably never surpassed middle school.

Pixal: Was created to be the personal android assistant of Cyrus Borg, becoming the 16th - and final - attempt, after her 15 predecessors failed to work properly. Being an advanced android, Pixal was created with and had access to all the knowledge she would ever need. However, she still had much to learn; particularly, in her social and emotional aspects, and continues to grow. As Zane once said, "She taught me more about being a nindroid, and I like to think I taught her more about being human".

#ninjago #ninjago cole #cole brookstone #ninjago jay #jay walker #ninjago zane #zane julien #ninjago nya #nya smith #ninjago lloyd #lloyd garmadon #ninjago kai #kai smith #ninjago morro #morro wu #ninjago pixal #pixal borg

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yanderes-galore · 1 year ago

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Hello can I request gen hc of Lenny from RDR 2

Sure, I can try! Sorry if his character comes out wrong or something is off, like all my fics feedback is appreciated. You're both about 19 or around that, totally didn't do this because I'm also 19 along with him 😅

Yandere! Lenny Summers Concept

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Overprotective behavior, Violence, Some manipulation, Soft yandere, Slight found family dynamic mentioned a times, Paranoia, Fear of loss, Brief slavery mention (Game takes place in 1899, it's part of Lenny's backstory), Clingy behavior briefly mentioned, Dubious companionship.

Just a warning, I'm really new to RDR2 and have only really seen cutscenes and interactions.

If his character is off, I'll try to get better as I'm more acquainted with the source material.

If anyone has any tips to write him or anyone better, I'll take them.

Lenny is the youngest member of the gang.

He's also one of the most educated members due to his upbringing.

I feel like you and Lenny would both be some of the younger members in the gang.

You joined for your own reasons, one way or another you became an outcast… a misfit….

But then you found the gang… your new family.

Lenny ends up becoming a close friend of yours due to your similar ages.

You two end up sharing a lot of conversation as you survive in the gang.

You learn of his past as a slave and what happened to his father… in return you tell him your past.

It's a bit surprising how fast you clicked.

You two would aid one another in robberies while watched with older members of the gang.

You'd often have long intellectual talks or just talks in general.

Lenny is sometimes cocky and confident due to being young, yet he's also intelligent and fun-loving.

He's confident and loyal, always wanting to help Dutch and the gang.

When it comes to you Lenny can see you in a few ways as the requester was not specific.

A close friend… a sibling… a lover… it doesn't really matter for the concept.

Lenny would have a close connection to you due to your shared struggles in the gang and life before it.

Yet you both find mutual comfort in each other.

Lenny would no doubt be very attentive towards you.

He makes sure you always have a serving of food, he even helps you with education if you never learned.

Honestly, Lenny seems like such a sweet character.

He cares for you like family one way or another.

With how he always sits by you and defends you, other members certainly think he's taken a liking to you.

They even assume he has a romantic attraction to you (unless he clears it up).

It's actually a bit cute to see the two younger members of the gang get along.

He's clearly quite fond of you in some way.

It's a bit hard for me to say what would be his yandere characteristics but I'd say Lenny is loyal, caring, and protective.

He's probably not the most possessive person although he will stand up for you.

For example, if someone in the gang was harassing you he'd step in quickly.

He'd probably try to be charming by pushing you behind him to deal with the issue.

Lenny probably wouldn't be quick to pull his gun but he definitely is quick to defend you.

He cares deeply for you.

While when you first met he was excited to go on robberies and look for supplies with you… it's soon replaced with hesitance.

Lenny never thought of this until he was closer to you… but it seems so easy to lose you.

The thought scares him late at night when you're asleep and he's up late on guard.

You're both young and devoted to the gang… but he can't help but wonder if you deserved better?

Lenny begins to think you should stay at the camp while he goes and gets money/supplies.

Surely that will not only impress you but keep you safe?

I feel if pushed to it, Lenny may kill for you.

However he'd primarily try to convince you to stay at the camp to keep you safe.

If you asked Lenny why he's so worried I feel he'd try to avoid the conversation before blurting out his worries.

He's just been thinking… wouldn't it be better if you stayed out of trouble?

Lenny is genuinely just looking out for you.

He wants to protect you like a man should but at the same time… he feels he should do more than that.

Lenny is certainly like a guard to you.

Too much pestering? Feeling sick? Need any help?

Lenny always seems to be there to help you, you're family after all.

I feel like Lenny is certainly a tame yandere but would do anything he can to keep you if pushed into a corner.

He's a good kid according to other members.

He wouldn't be too possessive, wouldn't be too ruthless, just genuinely caring.

He may go overboard with it at times but he means well.

He takes you dancing at the camp, he hugs you close to comfort you, sometimes it feels like he's using you to soothe his anxieties.

However, you may not mind as Lenny is so genuine.

He isn't overly manipulative and doesn't often try to deceive you.

He'll tell you the truth most of the time, even venting his worries to you.

The best part about his yandere is that there are minimal red flags.

He's a bit clingy and protective, yet it's not too suffocating.

Him keeping you in the camp is certainly an odd change… but nothing too out of the ordinary.

He does have a point… the camp is a bit safer.

Concerning behavior would be constant fist fights, attempted murder, isolation, stuff like that.

While that may be possible with Lenny, it's rare.

He'd only fight if someone got on his nerves or if he's forced to, even then he usually finds a way to fix the situation.

Isolation isn't something he really considers as he knows you both see the gang as family.

Overall I feel Lenny can be seen as an overly caring best friend, big brother, or potential boyfriend.

He means well and wants to keep you out of trouble.

He won't start fights over you, but he'll end them.

Even if it requires violence… He'll make sure you stay out of harm's way.

After all… he cares for you, doesn't he?

What kind of man would he be if he didn't look after you so closely?

#yandere red dead redemption #yandere red dead redemption 2 #yandere rdr #yandere rdr2 #yandere lenny summers

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homeofhousechickens · 10 months ago

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I know aggression in roosters has a high correlation with genetics, but do you have any advice for raising roosters overall?

The smallest things can influence a roosters behavior later in life and they are pretty sensitive to new stimulus which can lead to them being defensive. The best thing for them is to introduce them to new experiences in a positive setting while they are young. This includes handling them, handling their siblings in front of them, wearing different colors around them,exposing them to new food items, and letting them get comfortable with objects they might get exposed to in adulthood (like your rain boots for example so many roosters hate boots lol)

I also find it's helpful to not handle them as much when they get their first hormone surge. You are still their friend and give them plenty of treats and attention just be a bit more hands off since this is a critical time for them. It's not uncommon for cockerels to try to mount their owners hands and feet which isn't a behavior you want to encourage because it will allow the chicken to establish a pattern that can easily escalate to kicking at this age. It's okay for a cockerel to dance and tidbit for you just he needs to not bite you. This is a great time to expose these young cockerels to mature laying hens and roosters who will quickly teach them manners.

Because Ibis was handled a lot by me as a chick he would try to mount my hands and feet because he sees me as his mother so basically a big chicken. This was quickly cured by just giving him space and letting him live with older chickens for a bit for example. He would never bite now. It can be really difficult for people to step away for a bit and see their boy get picked on because roosters are so loving and cuddly but it's good for their brain 🧠 it's natural for their mother and other caretakers to distance themselves from them at this time.

Now I would have different advice if someone was raising a single boy as a single house chicken since it would be difficult to expose him to other birds. Instead, you would redirect his affections onto a stuffed animal and continue to be hands off intill he calmed down. How Cotton the Hosue Rooster's owner handles him is a good example, he is allowed to dance but he gets redirected onto a toy if he gets to randy.

Genetics do still play a role however and some boys are going to be manfighters regardless of how much you set them up for success unfortunately but that's why you should source birds that come from lines with good temperments.

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chromotps · 1 year ago

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YOU MENTIONED ACELU MODERN/GANG AU. but what about — I know it’s cursed but please listen — supernatural AU? I don’t mean like the entire thing (monster hunting maybe, but not the entire angel/demons plot) but just consider the vibes of the first two seasons?? The “road-trip” thing. Struggling to get by (I’m such a huge sucker for “Ace struggling to make ends meet but he always makes sure Luffy gets food and clothes even if it means he’s not eating as much himself”-dynamic in modern AUs. God). Sleeping in shitty motels + having to share the bed more often than not. Taking care of each other’s wounds in dimly-lit, dirty bathrooms. The general, ever-present worry of how things are going to be in the future or the terrifying scenario when one of them doesn’t make it (except Ace just worries about Luffy, bc of course he doesn’t consider a future where he lives and Luffy doesn’t. Neither of them can think about it too long either way bc it makes their brains shut down). They’re blood-brothers, they think of each other like that, they call each other that except. Taking physical comfort from each other is also a thing, because that’s what they’ve been doing all their lives, because there’s always been just them, and it’s all they ever had. They kiss and sleep together, bare skin pressed against bare skin because it’s always been like this, and it doesn’t feel the same with anyone else (mostly on Ace’s side, because he did try — with barmaids, waitresses, men in shady bars, because he felt responsible for Luffy’s upbringing and well-being and it felt like an older sibling thing to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. But nothing ever compared to Luffy, even in the slightest). Both of them having to play so many social roles they kind of start blending into one another (because again, there was never really anyone around long enough to fill them in for them) - bc yeah they’re siblings, but. They’re also friends except it goes way beyond that. Ace, as the older one, has been Luffy’s caretaker too, he had to think and plan ahead for them both. But there were times when Ace was hurt they the caretaking role became reversed and Luffy had to take on all the responsibilities, until Ace recovered. Obviously none of it is how a healthy sibling relationship should look like, but god, I’m just soooo weak for the developing co-dependency, especially in scenarios where clearly unhealthy/potentially harmful behavior becomes a source of physical/emotional comfort (and tbh I’m pretty sure it also translates well into in-canon Ace/Lu because they didn’t really have anyone else either, for a couple of years in their lives. And Luffy needs social interaction like he needs food and sleep).

Oh man, anon, I was shipping and reading smut for Wincest like WILD back in the day, so. This AU is perfect. I'm eating up all the details of it just being the two of them, and a car, and a map. On a good day they'll get to jam out to music for a few hours on the road before pulling into a diner, and Ace splurges on treating him and Luffy to a meal of steak, burgers, shakes and pie.

But on a bad day. They get out of a rough fight, Ace with a nasty gash down his chest but they can't get help between all their papers being forged and being wanted for a crime they were framed for anyway. So for once Luffy drives them back to the motel, and sets Ace up in the tiny bathroom tub to clean out the wound and patch it up. The whole time they're just quietly saying stuff to each other like "thank you. you didn't have to take that hit for me. it saved my life" and "you're the only reason i do any of this. nothing else matters." "you matter. it's always been just you and me, right? what would I do without you?" and then... idk MaybeTheyHave"Thank God You're Alive"Sex or something who can say?? you know???

but omg yeah I LIVE for some codependency in my ships. I do have this weird thing where whenever I write headcanons it's like I'm in denial. like, I can't totally commit to calling it unhealthy even though it totally is, bc.... they're happy together!! Maybe they learn to accept help when they need it from some kind of Uncle Bobby figure (Jinbei?? Rayleigh??). but when it comes down to it, they only really care about staying with each other and keeping their brother safe.

I'm not really sure what's up with me today but I'm sort of in a horny mood so. I'm still thinking about what you typed with "They kiss and sleep together, bare skin pressed against bare skin because it’s always been like this," and I know you probably meant literal sleeping together. But I love thinking about the slippery slope Ace and Luffy took in the AU from "pressing each other close for comfort when they're shaken" to "Luffy noticing how good it feels when Ace holds him and Ace unable to stop his eyes from lingering on Luffy's lips" to "one time in the dead of night in the hotel, their breaths are mingling and their mouths are almost touching until, it isn't 'almost' anymore. and then somehow ace is on top of luffy and the orange glow of the streetlight outside is falling on where their arms are wrapped around each other. and even though that night should have been shocking, what they can't admit out loud is that it felt completely natural. it's just another part of everything that they are to each other, and no one else needs to understand this, either."

ANYWAY UH I can. talk about other aspects of this AU since I'm sure there were other things you meant to focus on but uh. I was in a mood. oops!

#i know i shouldn't be sorry for adding to the tag but #i can be a little embarrassed about this one #acelu #headcanons #also i LOVE these asks i am so grateful #supernatural au

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bookwormally · 1 year ago

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(I've been trying to get a feel for character voices and everyone wanted a scene like this, right?)

After breakfast, after retelling arguably the hardest week of his life, Will only wants one thing. Maybe two things. He wants to lie down in his bed and try not to dream. He'd also like to hold Nico in a place that's not trying to kill them, but that can wait. Nico had set off for the Hades cabin with the face of one going to do something important. He'll hardly begrudge Will for closing his eyes while he waits.

But cabin seven isn't empty when he pushes the door open.

For a moment it's like he's trapped in Epiales' nightmares again. Lester is standing in the center of the cabin, an empty quiver on his back. He turns and Will braces for anger, for a god's wrath. 'Heal him! My children are supposed to be the best.' Old blue eyes meet his and widen.

Then the sunlight brightens and Lester wavers like a mirage. He seems taller, older, brighter, and then he steadies. Apollo's eyes are the same ancient blue, but he's a proper adult now. Though his curls are thicker than they used to be, with brown undertones he never would have allowed before. "Will!" He's swept into the warmest hug he's ever known, though it's not the perfect fit his mom always finds. That doesn't matter now, not when Will can wrap his arms around his dad and pretend his throat isn't locked tight.

The moment stretches and Will manages to take a breath and then another. He’s aware of a shake and tries not to feel like a baby. The feeling drops away quickly, however, when he realizes his dad is shaking him and not the other way around. He pats Apollo’s back and has to ask, “Are you crying?”

“Yes,” Apollo answers immediately, unrepentant. “I’m delighted that you’re back from that awful place intact.”

“Somehow,” Will says with a touch of false bravado. He likes to think he’s better at it than his dad. “Nico and I did it together.”

Apollo squeezes him and then leans back. His hands rest on Will’s shoulders. It’s still hard to reconcile Lester, his age and what seemed like constant terror, and Apollo, the literal god of the sun whose old self-confidence was beyond planet earth in size. He glances at his dad’s hair again; he’s probably not the only one still trying to figure it out. At least right now his dad is here and looks like someone old enough to be so. His gaze feels the same no matter the form: heavy, old, and so brightly blue.

Will meets his eyes and tries not to cringe by how wet Apollo’s are. They’re alone; it’s not that bad. “I really am okay,” he tries to reassure. Part of him wishes he could stop being the one who has to.

“I still needed to check, best healer of Camp Halfblood or not.” Apollo touches a finger to the tip of Will’s nose and warmth sweeps through him, banishing the remaining ache. “You still need to rest.”

“I know that.” Will makes a face at him and the advice that falls near constantly out of his own mouth. “If you were going to come anyway, couldn’t you have come to breakfast? Mr. D and Chiron wouldn’t care.” Other gods might, but his dad has earned some rule bending in his opinion.

Apollo makes a face back, nose wrinkling. “I knew they could better handle you two after all that. I also do not need more commentary from Dionysus about my behavior. Younger siblings,” he ends with a scoff. But it quickly turns back into a small smile. “Plus, I wanted to check on you without you suffering me with an audience.” It’s a joke at his expense and Will smiles back.

“Thanks, dad.”

Unsurprisingly, this gets him swallowed in another hug. He doesn’t mind too much, letting the light and warmth that’s in his makeup surge in the embrace of their source. He doesn’t need to fear the shadows like he has for so long, but it’s nice to soak in the light again.

#tsats #trials of apollo #Apollo #Will Solace #the sun and the star #my writing

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huntsvillegossip · 11 months ago

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Hello, hello my little lovelies,

So much to catch up on these days! Everyone all at once seemed to have some type of news to share with me.

You all know being on the ice is meant to keep us all cool and level-headed, right? There were so many punches thrown at the ice skating event, not just once, not even twice, but three whole times. Eagan Connolly punched Huntsville Daily’s very own Samuel Ahn over what was reportedly, and unsurprisingly, something to do with that missing brother of hers again. If she keeps that attitude up no one is going to be willing to assist her. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, sweetheart.

Seeming to take a cue from her is that wildchild from the Westfall family, Esther Westfall, who is just as short tempered as ever. They were seen punching one Eldon Harcourt, though he seemed to take it decently well, and didn’t engage into a full brawl. The same can’t be said for Joey Albright who fully attacked Louis Ryan and had to be pulled off him. Not exactly the behavior you’d expect from everyone’s favorite heartthrob but it seems love makes fools of us all. Let’s just hope that Hope Macgillivray is worth it.

However, not everyone at the ice skating party was quick to come to blows. It seems that there are at least some of you who would rather make love than war. Jackson Miller was spotted getting cozy with Lavender Parsons, ending in what was apparently quite the steamy kiss, if my sources are to be believed. Now I know that some readers may be scandalized by this news, but I for one think it is wonderful that after everything she went through with her mother’s disappearance last year, Miss Parsons seems to be coming into her own as a young woman. All I can say is, be careful out there, men of Huntsville! There’s a new heartbreaker on the rise.

Here’s a toast to one town event being mostly a success with no serious incidents. Hopefully this is the start of a new and lighter year for all of us.

Love,

Auntie G

That older ranger guy is like, always at the bar. Smells like a bar too. Really harshes the vibe, you know? - Day Drinker

I've been seeing Amber Ryan and Noah Kasprak head off to his place a lot lately. I wonder how her siblings feel about her sleeping around with her co-worker. Seems pretty irresponsible to me considering the family's history. - Anon (25F)

So I was minding my business, when I heard Marisol de la Luna was holding some guy’s tarantula? Is that a new euphemism the kids are using or what? Here’s hoping history doesn’t repeat itself or she’ll end up like her mom did senior year. - Think of the Children

Geez, never a dull day with the Romeros. Heard another one of Hawk’s kids came popping out of the woods. Sora Griffon? At this rate, he’s gonna have a whole flock of ‘em. Hope his new hubby is ready to play Brady Bunch. - Town Bird Watcher

Nico Garcia has been going around saying he’s going to be a dad? I wonder who he knocked up. Could be half the town from the way he’s been getting around. I heard that within the past couple months he’s been hooking up with Val Moreno, Kirby, Nadine Briggs, Jessie Sinclair, Wren Romero, Cole Cerulli, Jovi DiCamillo, and Tatum Hampton, to name just a few! - Anon (33M)

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neteyamsilly · 2 years ago

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Hii Irma!! It’s Ramble Anon!!

This chapter was magnificent 😭

I loved how you described how the siblings are reacting to Y/N’s death, like

-Neteyam checking her breathing

-Tuk trying to cuddle with her, telling her stories, surrounding her with her own toys

-Kiri just being exhausted, taking care of her big sister

-Lo’ak being angry at his dad (misinterpreting his hurt and believing it being apathy)

And Neytiri cleaning the blood off her daughter 😔

It’s so nice seeing Jake trying to correct his behavior when talking to his older kids, him beginning to understand what he did to them and trying to find remedies for what he’s done

Jake knew about Neteyam and Y/N’s closeness!! Y/N was so sure he didn’t know, that he didn’t care, but he does 🥺

Other things I loved:

-Y/N and Lo’ak fighting for food (the most sibling thing ever 😭)

-Y/N being stingy and only sharing with her mom

-The anklet for Tuk!! With rainbow colors!! (And Jake knowing: he was always observing her 😔)

-Y/N being unable to sleep in High Camp because she misses the forest, 🥺

-Girl’s night!!! It’s so beautiful 😭, and Neteyam and Lo’ak not being invited and Spider being an honorary guest, PLS (why do I picture those two faking to not care at all about not being invited, but inside they are mad, like why can’t we come??? 🤨 what are you doing? Hence Lo’ak pestering Spider to know why the hell there is this confidentiality??)

Jake and Y/N 😞

I loved loved loved their interaction, how they spoke together, I genuinely teared up, I’m tearing up RIGHT NOW REREADING IT

[...] “I see you. Of course I see you. I’ve always seen you.”

The snowflake-frail snivel followed by your sobbing sniffle broke his heart into pieces. “You’re a liar.” He shook his head, hugging you tighter. “You’re mean to me. You’re so mean to me.” [...]

The use of mean makes it so much more childish and so it hurts so much more 😭

Jake just saying “Yes, I’m mean” made me so happy.. many parents don’t own up to what they’ve done and even if we love them and they love us, they just don’t accept that they’ve hurt their child, they don’t try to better themselves, but Jake wants to

[...] Knowing what he was insinuating, “But it’s nice here,” you said, voice thick and coarse from crying. You still didn’t pull back to look at him. Both of you, from the start of this, never looked at one another. Not once. Embarrassed and shameful to be honest, Jake thought. That pride you two shared. “You’re not mean to me here.” [...]

“You’re not mean to me here.”

I would have crumbled if I was Jake to be honest, like now that I died and you want me to come back, now you are gentle with me? I want to stay here, so that you will always be like this 🥺

The “don’t be scared, I’m here” broke me, like YES it’s childish, but at the same time I think it’s really not.

and the “If you told us, we would have been more careful not to make you sad.” Like YESS Jake you should have spoken to your children!!!

I enjoyed the dialogue so much, but it was a roller coaster 😭

Jake and Y/N are so funny together, but it’s just depressing knowing that Jake is aware it’s not actually real

His mighty hunter (it’s so nice that Jake apologized for that, too!!) who broke Neteyam’s record (I read somewhere that he was the youngest Omaticaya to do a successful kill during the sturmbeest hunt, OFC Y/N would take pride in being better than her big bro, I, personally, wouldn’t shut up about it, so it’s just a lot sadder that no one was there to witness it 🙁)

It’s another episode of the series “Jake being endlessly amused by his daughter antics and waiting for Neytiri to find out” lmaoo (I can’t wait to know everyone’s reaction to the name Jack!!)

It’s so curious that Y/N knows pop culture!! Between Jake, Norm and Max, I don’t see many other knowledge sources lmao

Y/N saving her dad, but their meeting being cut short was horrible, I hope whatever Jake does to that man will be so much worse to what they did to Y/N 😭

(I wonder if Y/N met any of her family members while she was dead.. Imagine Uncle Tsu’tey just confirming the fact that Jake is a well-meaning fool lmao)

Every time you update, you make my day, truly

Thank you so much, now I will think about this chapter for the next five days ❤️

RAMBLE ANON!!!!!

THIS ASK AND THE DETAILS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ARE NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART !!!

First of all, I hope the siblings' reactions were in character! A lil spoiler BSDJKDS I've tried (started) setting up that Neteyam is developing a trauma response in which he'll just get up in the middle of the night and check her breathing, or just get up earlier than sister!reader and stand there like some ghost to look at her breathing. There's going to be a scene in chapter 7 i think in which she almost dies again from fright when she catches him doing it because THATS SCARY.

also IM SO HAPPY YOU CAUGHT THAT JAKE KNOWS EVERYTHING SISTER!READER IS LIKE "yeah right as if" !! he pays attention !! he just doesnt show it. like. he sends neteyam after her every time for a reason. when sister!reader is SO SURE her rainbow anklet is going to be a surprise for tuk and is asking for jake if she could just explore (she doesnt say its for tuk) he knows because of course he does, he just doesnt say. he knows she doesnt like the cave systems and is having sleeping problems. jake knows a lot that he doesnt let her know that he does.

ALSO YOU KNOW NETEYAM AND LO'AK PRETEND THEY DONT CARE FOR SOME STUPID GIRL GATHERING BUT PROBE SPIDER <SUBTLY> THE NEXT DAY LMAO

AHHHHHHH AND!!!! I've used "mean" for a reason, it just expresses that childlike nature of hurt so well stripped from anger. she could have said a million things as her normal self, but i think her true heart expressed it wonderfully by saying he was mean. and jake understood 😭 love that scene its my favorite

also about the pop culture references! there are other scientists than norm and max, like there's a small population of humans closely working with the omatikaya. you know the children watched and learned and read other things than grace's logs and books whenever they visited! humans having brought TV shows and media to consume to pass time in pandora is my canon, at least bc that's what i would do. but sister!reader pretending jack-o-lantern and jack-in-a-box are HUMAN FIGURES is what gives her lack of information away I think BDSBDSJD you will never know if she was teasing about "hit the road jack" or not. up to you BSDBJDHSD

THANK YOU SM FOR THE WONDERFUL ASK YET AGAIN RAMBLE ANON I LOVE YOU<3333

#irma mirma ask mask #irmanons: ramble anon

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cderiva · 5 months ago

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about maria + the impact of being an oops! baby, having older parents, & much older siblings:

when maria's mother got pregnant with her there were already four children in the house, the oldest was fourteen and the youngest seven. her parents were approaching forty and done having children.

not alone, surrounded by people, but lonely and disconnected is basically how she felt within her family growing up.

from an early age she was pushed to cooperate and to pick up on things fast or get out of the way because her parents simply didn’t have the time and energy to slowly and gently raise another kid. there wasn't a whole lot of enthusiasm for her "firsts", there aren't a ton of pictures of her as a baby and child, she always got hand-me-downs from her siblings, etc.

maria was always a highly energetic and curious child, and she also struggled with sleeping, which didn't make things easier because her parents (and siblings) often found themselves overwhelmed by her.

her family is close-knitish, but she always felt disconnected from her siblings due to their age differences. growing up they always seemed to be on different stages of their lives with different levels of patience and compassion.

she often felt compelled to take on adult-like responsibilities or emotional roles within the family structure to alleviate / make up for perceived burdens. add to this the fact that she became an aunt for the first time at like 11 and her siblings never hired a babysitter in their lives because they had her around.

teenagerhood was: babysitting her nieces/nephews after school at 3pm, sneaking out the window to go hang out with friends or some guy she thought was cute at 11pm. duality.

she was both responsible and irresponsible at the same time. responsible with others, irresponsible with matters related to herself. she tried to make herself as ~chill and as little of an inconvenience as possible…. but she couldn’t help herself sometimes. felt guilty after. told herself not to feel guilty because life is short and needs to be enjoyed. stopped feeling guilty. remembered that she shouldn’t add more stress in any way shape or form to her parents. started feeling guilty again.

her parents are mildly religious and she was raised in a fairly religious small town and she struggled a whole lot with repetitive rituals, extended ceremonies, or the need for stillness difficult, and her family often saw her behavior as disrespectful or improper - a lack of discipline.

she grew up with the importance of fulfilling one’s duties and avoiding actions that bring shame to the family or community being drilled into her brain. maria’s parents, already feeling overwhelmed by their responsibilities, often saw her unconventional behavior and personality as source of something that needed to be toned down and learned to conform.

maria wasn’t unloved per se. honest. if she had been unloved maybe things would be more clean-cut, but she was and is loved by her family. it's just a… nuanced situation. it's hard when you aren't unloved but are neglected / can feel like your presence is too much, makes things muddy. both her parents presently feel guilty about their lack of patience / initiative towards her when she was younger, and that’s why now that she's an adult they are extremely lenient with her even though they often don’t understand her. this ends up, at times, creating tension with her siblings.

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miiilowo · 2 years ago

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How would you characterize Micheal throughout the years of his life?

i think shithead older brother plain an simple is the best way to start out. this can be hard to communicate if you did not grow up with two older brothers, but it is very simple:

objective as the youngest is to survive

theyre still nice sometimes but largely try to throw shit at your soft skull to try and dent it

jealous that the youngest sibling gets more attention/is praised more/etc

and i think thats pretty on the head for michael. i dont think he was ever TRULY trying to be actively super malicious, i just think he was an asshole teenage brother who thought making the little shit who got all the attention cry was funny if it meant he didnt get in trouble. definitely the 'im sorry hit me back hit me ill let you hit me if you dont tell dad please stop crying' type

when youre a teenager youre gonna have a lot of pent up emotions from a whole combination of things. a lot of them are gonna come from nowhere and youre gonna want to pin it on stuff, even if its not the actual cause. i think michael also probably did this and pinned any anger or inner turmoil he had on evan, regardless of if he actually had anything to do with it, because thats just like. standard 15-17 y/o behavior

after accidentally killing evan hes gonna be really fuckin upset. he was a dickhead, but he didn't want to kill anyone, that much is evident. theres two routes people typically take, which are "wow hes an unforgivable piece of shit" or "he's immediately amended of all sins and is nice now because he feels guilty". both of these are bad

he is a kid. an angry one at that. if an already angry kid kills their brother on accident, has guilt-induced nightmares about it, and probably hallucinates about it too? theyre not gonna get nicer, thats for damn sure!! i dont know if he could get MEANER, given the fact he has no targets, but i definitely think he'd get more snappy and probably a lot more paranoid. really a perfect storm to hallucinate even more (source: me) and then feel worse (source: me) and have it snowball (source: me)

gradually hes gonna get better. hes gonna learn to live with it. and i know for a DAMN fact this guy is funnysilly when hes an adult. constantly cracking jokes about his own demise, probably so thoroughly fed up with The Horrors that he reacts to shit like a letsplayer does. copes with everything via humor. best of all, thats backed up by the security logbook, making me the most objectively correct person on planet earth

i think when it comes to like. post-ennard mike, he'd probably lose some of that spark? you can only be so normal when youre a literal zombie shambling around. definitely would still retain the humor, but i think overall he'd be more grim. he's already died, he knows he cant live a normal life, and his only purpose is to kinda shut down everything his father started. thatll certainly weigh on the soul

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belltrigger · 2 years ago

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Hello again ! It is I, the anonymous headcanon guy !

(I'd like to thank you for your kind words from the last time, first. I am still trying to figure out how tumblr works, but hopfully i'll be able to not be anonymous anymore !)

I came up with another headcanon, i hope you won't mind too much about me sharing it with you !

I see often with the twins that Emmet, the little brother, is a little shit and irresponsible, whereas Ingo is the epitome of the Dad Friend(tm).

I don't think it should go that way. Twins are differents than normal siblings. First, they are born together, so the normal(tm) sibling behavior don't stick to them (it also bother me a little to see Emmet getting the full little brother instinct whereas Ingo only get the Dad Friend one. Older siblings often bullies their younger siblings, but we don't see that hmm ? Anyway-)

I think their personality towards each other should be more equal, like both goofy and responsible.

Also, and this one is a little more personal, i heard that siblings (often seen with twins) have some sort of pack thing going on, like one being the leader and the other following. It may seems like, since Emmet is the LB(tm), he should follow and Ingo should lead, but it doesn't feel right to me (i often see that Ingo will lead in discussions, or do some things like going to someone or things like that. I know that Emmet is heavily autism coded, but Ingo has been portrayed as well, and I don't see why, just because he is less heavily portrayed he should carry the "leader" role. It feels like, since he is more normal, he can function. I find that bad, for lack of better words)

I think they should both lead, as they share a job with the same responsibilities, and both are good trainers with diverses pokemons (meaning one didn't dictate how both of their teams should look like, they both chose).

Anyway, to make it short, i think that both of them should be equal, and not simply little and big brothers (especially for twins, this is kind of a stupid thing. I mean, I get the little and big brother jokes, but in all seriousness, it shouldn't matters.)

Sorry for the long, long post but it really is something that i wanted to share, as it is something that's very close to me.

I hope you found it interesting !

Hello AHG! ヾ(•ω•`)o I hope you are doing well! Tumblr can be a little bit different from other sites, this is true! Take your time, lurk where you'd like, and if you ever feel comfortable (or capable!) of coming off Anon, I'd love for you to let me know!

And yeah!! Send me your head-canons, even once you figure out how tumblr works! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ Or post them and let me know where you're doing it so that I can follow you! I love reading head-canons! It's cool to hear people explain why they have them and the twins are SO open to interpretation! (As a preamble to your head-canon, so much is fanon and sometimes it can be quite frustrating that a certain thing has taken hold.)

I do think official media with them, despite having quite a few variations (Anime Submas, Manga/Special Submas, Original Game Submas, Masters Submas are the big ones), is a bit more close to how you are thinking about it. They're both shown as responsible in certain ways, and goofy in others.

In fact, fanart on the Japanese side of things often interprets Anime Emmet as the responsible one. The only problem with that is the anime is also technically the source of your woes, as I am pretty certain that is where people found out that Ingo being the older twin is 'canon.' If you look at content older than that, you'll find it was pretty even on who was treated as the younger brother and/or it not mattering as much.

Personally, I have gone back and forth for how I like to portray them in my stories. Like you, I love them being equal, them reveling in the idea of their twinship, and being each other's biggest rivals.

Alas, I think we can "blame" Pokemon Legends Arceus for people treating Ingo like "the dad friend" in current fanon. Between people seeing him anywhere between a protective uncle to outright finding him attractive and appealing as a romantic partner, Ingo has become "an adult to trust" to many people. As I am older than the twins' accepted fanon age, I really and truly don't have any Uncle or Dad feelings towards him, so perhaps that's why I treat him more like a brother than anything.

Something I do like to note is the fact that Ingo (in the Japanese version of the anime) uses 'kyoudai (siblings)' to refer to them, and not 'futago(twins).' However, Emmet (also in the Japanese version of the anime) calls Ingo "Nii-san(older brother)." So, clearly the anime is hung up on creating older brother/younger brother dynamics between them, and despite people not liking the design choices of Ingo (not having the :< expression), it is a pretty sizable chunk of characterization and screen time. It's possible that people are leaning into that for their fanon.

I can't speak to the autism thing as I am not diagnosed with austim myself, but what I can say is that English fanon for how they speak is somewhat different from the Japanese tone of their speech is. It's clearly the work of localization, because honestly the way Emmet and Ingo talk is extremely heavily loaded with stuff that doesn't translate easily. None of this negates people identifying with the twins, assigning stim or tics to them, or any head-canons revolving around it. I just think there's fascinating tone changes between each version!

For example! English fanon says that Emmet speaks very stilted, which has been translated as him possibly scripting, not liking to talk, having anxiety, etc. And while it is true that Emmet speaks in short sentences, he also talks in childish, improper, and 'rude' ways in the Japanese version. This is counter-balance to Ingo who speaks in an incredibley archaic, old-man style, absolutely stuffed with politeness. (And Ingo's method of speech is entirely why I suspect *he* was the twin thrown into Hisui, if they only picked one.)

Interestingly, their method of talking about themselves in Masters is also fascinating! Everyone knows that Emmet says "I am Emmet." (I feel his 'Boku Kudari' in Japanese is cuter, but I am biased, I think). But he *also* talks like he's a dude who works at the Subway with his brother, although he really appreciates his position and feels so much honor and respect for it. Ingo, however, speaks like he is *intrinsically* part of the Subway, as though he is a fixture there and not a guy who puts on a uniform he greatly respects. The Subway is something bigger than him, and he is a part of it; Emmet on the other hand is himself and the Subway is part of *him.*

The above is just my interepretation of their speech patterns and how they carry themselves because honestly *there is just so much space to fill.*

This got SUPER BRAVO long, so-! Oops! But I do find your headcanons verrrrry interesting! When I am done working on my commission, perhaps I will think about writing a fic where they are equals! I would like to think some of my stories would suit your needs, but perhaps I need to make more! Eheh

Thank you so so much for your ask!! o(*°▽°*)o

#anon ask #submas #long post #Oops this got ridiculously long #If I should 'read more' it let me know!!!

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angel-is-not-creative · 2 years ago

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A Silent Voice

SUB/DUB

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Wow, this is definitely the best piece that we have watched thus far, I somehow had almost no idea what the plot was going into it so it was a really lovely blind experience.

Shoko is treated worse than pretty much any other anime character I've seen. Girl did nothing wrong, yet people still hated her because she was different. People went out of their way to bully her relentlessly and she apologized to them. This led to lifelong self-hatred that can't be easily rectified.

Ishida has the same amount of self-hatred and yet no one around him seems to share in this hatred. Ishida has a lot of self-loathing, he seems to be convinced that the world is against him and chooses to be alone when he can. Despite this, people still reach out to him and want to be his friend, even at his worst moment he has plenty of people supporting him. Ishida is a bully, and I do believe a big part of the reason he made amends was out of guilt (I think he grew, but that doesn't dismiss his initial motivations.)

I think this shows how two people can be feeling the same exact thing about themselves but have lived two totally different lives. Both Ishida and Shoko attempted to take their own lives, and yet their sadness comes from totally different sources.

I loved the ending scene when all of the X's came down and Ishida truly saw the people around him for the first time. These people that have been in his life for years but he has isolated himself from. He is finally opening himself up to the idea of friendship. Thankfully other people realized their mistakes in their treatment of Shoko and are being better friends to them both. (However, if I was Shoko I wouldn't want to be friends with any of them because I hold grudges).

I also loved Yuzuru as she is kinda a subversion of the sibling trope, usually, it is the older sibling that is looking out for the younger one and dedicating a chunk of their lives to protecting them. Yuzuru on the other hand is a good bit younger than Shoko but places a lot of responsibility for her well-being on her shoulders, despite her being a child who can not really change the cruel behaviors of those older than her.

This was a really magnificent movie and I'm glad that this class actually got me to sit down and watch it.

#jpt1311

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deviantartdramahub · 1 year ago

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9 notes

Okie, about time I talk about this biggie.

So first things first, I'll be responsible and admit some mistakes, It turns out Tam was only identifying as NB for pride month. Idk and I don't think he knows what they really are yet, but still, don't try to dictate him DADramaNow, as they now know and understand after I explained it to him. However, they told me in chat that he wants to use both he/him, and they/them pronouns, so actually respect those this time unlike this bullshit here -> 1 note (Just bc you put their correct at the time pronouns in parenthesis next to his at the time dead pronouns, doesn't make you any less in the wrong, you moronic cop-out.)

Also I acknowledge that they probably shouldn't use Google Translate as the only way to speak other languages, and should get actual knowledge from his parents. But don't think it gives you an excuse to attack them, alright?

Tam is still a great friend of mine who I care about deeply. And if I ever have to, I'll protect him.

Anyways let's get into the parts where YOU'RE in the wrong!! :)

So for the first reason about Club, oh I created a whole post here that proves you attacking him is just ableism!! :D

-> https://www.tumblr.com/deviantartdramahub/728512331840143360/so-dadramanow-youre-not-just-attacking-club?source=share

And yeah he's just trying to talk to people. He doesn't pressure them at all. "It is NOT Club’s job, nor is is he even qualified to teach other people, ESPECIALLY young minors about changing diapers of disabled people." He doesn't pretend to be a professional, he's just informing others in a fun way. You don't have to have a degree on something to be knowledgeable about it. And as a guy with autism and obviously knows what it's like, he's a good source of it. "Not to mention that his Eduard character is 9 years old and uses baby talk." He doesn't do "baby talk", he's just mostly non verbal. Ooh, making fun of non-verbal autistic people are we?? Thanks for more proof this is just ableism <3

"If you knew even the bit slightest thing about people with disabilities" Lol that's rich, I myself have autism, you twit. "Honestly, would you want a grown adult 20+ asking/saying to you a young teenaged woman things such as “Would like a widdle cookie, sweetie pie?” or “Let’s go upsiy daisy, boo boo!” or “Do you have to go potty, honey bear?” ? No, you wouldn’t, because it’s weird and makes you uncomfortable." Yeah, I DO in fact hate it, so how about your whole ass group stops talking down to me, thanks?? "If you knew anything, or even cared to do as much research as you do defending Club, you would know that not all grooming is sexual in nature!"

...

"you would know that not all grooming is sexual in nature!" ...

Okay, so I agree with that statement on it's own but...IS CLUB'S THING A SEXUAL FETISH OR NOT??! If you're going to harass and make up slander about people, AT LEAST KEEP YOUR GODDAMN STORIES STRAIGHT!!! This itself is huge proof these guys are full of shit and the whole Club drama is based on lies.

"Do you recall Tam drawing his teenaged persona KISSING Eduard who is age 9?" Not to throw my friend Tam under the bus of course sense he learned and matured since then and now knows better, but...HOW THE HELL IS THAT CLUB'S FAULT??! HE DIDN'T WANT THAT! "Plus, it he’s so innocent, why do comments, journals, and accounts of being victims from multiple users such these exist" Bc those are people just like you who want to cause rumor-spreading and trouble.

Now for the second one with my transphobic claim. Here's the quote I want to talk about in that section: "Tam is being silly, because that’s what kids do, and as the older one between the two of you, YOU should be educating him, not supporting bad behavior." Excuse me, but didn't you get pissed bc Club encourages older siblings to help out a little bit? And now you're over here straight up trying to force me to be a caretaker of my fucking friend. Same with this quote in the third section -> "This is an insult to his people, and AGAIN, YOU SHOULD BE EDUCATING TAM INSTEAD OF ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR!" I'm a 15 year old teenage girl, DADramaNow, NOT A FUCKING TEACHER! I'd be happy to teach my friend things but you can't yell at Club for educating and encouraging people to help others, then turn around and yell at me for not mothering my fucking friend.

LMAO AND THEN WE HAVE THE 4TH SECTION, WHICH IS LITERALLY JUST "Honestly speaking, you are only saying this because you are scared of Tri doxxing and harassing you like she did before. Tri is well known for doxxing, grooming, harassing others who disagree with her and Club, hacking accounts, defending Club’s grooming, and you know it." And no, you using her correct pronouns doesn't take you off the hook.

I absolutely just fucking love how they didn't even try to justify themselves in that one, and just resorted to threats but used two other people for the threats so they can pathetically escape looking like the bad guy. Honey please if you're gonna go down that route, at least grow some balls and spew threats of what YOU'LL do, instead of constantly throwing people under the bus as you cower in fear of the consequences of your actions. Grow up for the love of God.

And it's also funny how you tell me to learn to read when I told you to do the same thing when you ignored my proof and continued saying I wanted to date a FULL GROWN MAN.

Anyways sorry for this long one Tri, but it was necessary.

That’s alright. Basically what I said in the reply here. As I mention often, one can tell things are getting cliquey by people betraying what they say. You’re right, it’s not like Tam or Club are breaking any rules, that and Tam can identify how he wants. There is no such thing as a fake identity no matter how it alternates.

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savofid · 1 year ago

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So, I've been doing a lot of introspection lately, and I think I've got something figured out. Guess I'll do the CW thing cause I'm gonna be talking about mental health and abuse and my own troubles in that. If you don't like hearing about stuff like that, this blog isn't for you, because this is where I often scream into the void when I'm having a breakdown.

Over the years since my initial mental break, I've referred to some parts of my mind having "voices." It's a rudimentary term, as no one term exists that can encapsulate all of them. They're intrusive thoughts, urges, obsessions. They're tugs in my mind towards some task or state.

The three disorders I have are general anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder. And I don't mean "I like things neat." If you saw my bedroom, you would immediately see that the opposite is true. This creates a... Unique situation where I have three different disorders, equally strong and fueled by the same source, that being fear, and they all want something different.

My anxiety is rooted with my 6th ex, who was a manipulative psychopath who controlled every aspect of my life outside of work. Well, I'm away from her at work, so at least I have a space to decompress, right? No, because I was working for the government at the time and my work was very controlled. So I went from a controlling environment to another one and had nothing of my own to hold onto anymore to the point where I finally broke. I started having violent and aggressive intrusive thoughts. Thankfully, I never acted on them.

My depression has been with me since early childhood. I had my first real suicidal ideations when I was 8, all from a complete lack of self worth, the roots of which I don't wanna talk about again at this moment. I distinctly remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom drawing a picture of how my view of a pretty girl and my view of myself holding hands, all with one word written on the bottom: Impossible. Once I finished it, I crumped it, cried, and wished to die.

The OCD is genetic. Thanks, mom. I hope you rot in hell sooner rather than later. I'm at the point where I can tell if something is gonna become an obsession because of how I feel going into it. The example I give is my first flight on a plane. I was 20 years old, so plenty of time to develop a mild fear of something I'd never done before. As the date approached, I thought, "There's gonna be something about this flight that'll become a thing I now have to do every time I fly. No idea what it is, but it's gonna happen." Either I manifested it into my reality or it was mere happenstance, I flew on the left side of the plane for the three flights I took that day: Pittsburgh to Columbus, Columbus to Atlanta, Atlanta to San Antonio. A clear pattern emerged and now I HAVE to sit on the left side of every flight I take.

This is gonna seem unrelated and a jarring transition, but it'll tie in at the end.

I was raised around crazy people. My birth mother has OCD, psychopathy, and anxiety, my aunt is in and out of institutions, my uncle has issues with rage, my dad was clinically depressed, three of my four sisters have been institutionalized at least once and all of them have done some terrible things. If the least terrible thing was that one of them poisoned one of our cats, I'll let your imagination take you from there. Attempted murder is on that list, though, and they were only 8 and 10 when they made that attempt, and it was on their then toddler sister through poison. Strangely enough, that then toddler sister, now my directly older sister and elder of my full siblings, is the worst of them all. Little sister is just a psychopath like our mom.

Anyways, you spend so much time around crazy people and you learn to see it. You learn patterns, behaviors, tendencies, tells, ticks, and even being able to determine whether they're medicated or "feeling well so I didn't take them today." A complex coping mechanism. Because my family was basically the only people I knew for the first 6 years of my life, I didn't see them as crazy, naturally, and so my behavior, my coping mechanism, immediately extended to everyone around me. I spent 4 years in therapy for something one of my sisters did (and should've gone for much longer cause it's still unresolved and it's been 28 years), so had a very minor introduction to the world of psychology fairly early in my life. This later became something I enjoyed and I learned a lot about. I'm not a doctor, not a psychologist, hardly even an armchair therapist, but I feel like this combination of things has given me some very particular insight into people with clear issues.

A friend of mine in a chatroom was infamous for just dunking on everyone's taste in music and insisting theirs, which is highly niche and unique, is far better. He'd shit talk any song anyone talked about while going on at length about how the songs he liked were the best ever. It usually didn't bother me, which made me one of the few in there who actually liked him, but, one day, he struck a nerve. I was furiously typing up a massive response, detailing a singular event in his life that explains exactly why he is the way he is. I didn't send it, though, because I felt it would've hit way too close to home and I didn't wanna put him on blast. My assessment was that, when he was a young adult, he came out as gay to his parents, who didn't approve and kicked him out. He spent time homeless until a man took him in. The man was likely older and ended up being his first partner, and this the genre of music the guy in the chatroom liked is the same as his first partner, that he showed it to him. The man became more than just a partner but a father figure to him and they were together for a long time before things ended, likely suddenly and without proper closure, so he holds all of these things upon the highest of high pedestals.

You can probably see why that might cut a bit too deeply. Especially when, a few months later, he talked about his past and I was right on the money. He was kicked out at 19, spent almost a year homeless before a 40 year old man took him in and took care of him, the two of them ending up falling in love and being partners for 8 years. Then, the man just left one day and never came back, never called, nothing. All that I knew about him before he talked about it was that he was a gay musician in his late 30's living in Canada.

The way this ties in is that, over the years, I've likely done it to myself countless times, and these three disorders that are all fighting for control, all fueled by fear and equally strong, have mostly kept me somewhat mentally balanced. Past year and a half, though, they've been in flux. The spikes they cause, those sudden urges and impulses, are being, for lack of a better word, interpreted by this psychoanalytical process into more understandable ways. A thought, a feeling, a daydream, a fantasy, a pull upon my soul to do whatever it is that's the end goal of the winner. I've had auditory and visual hallucinations due to anxiety, like someone turning on a projector inside my mind, overlaying the fantasy dug up from deep within my mind over top of reality. It's terrifying.

Basically my brain has turned on itself and I'm stuck doing psychoanalysis on myself because I have become the crazy person.

/sigh/

I'm just angry right now, much like I have been for the past few weeks. Broke up with my partner because she only knew how to lie. Like, I can deal with her sleeping with other guys, just don't lie about it. I only ever wanted honesty and she couldn't even give me that. But I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. Now, I made the mistake of dating the girl next door, so now I still have to see her nearly every day.

I feel bad for the guy she replaced me with while we were still together. Not because he's dating her or whatever, but because he's gonna have to go through what I went through back in January, where I very nearly killed myself, going so far as to give my roommate every sharp object I owned for my own protection before I reached the bottom of my depressive spiral. It was a rough three days but I ended up okay. Then, a few months later, once I had finally almost gotten past her, she dragged me back into her life, citing fear from the guy she replaced me with first. In reality, she just wanted to get laid and was having trouble finding someone to squeeze, and I fell for it. I was so close, up to the point where I'd go days without even thinking about her.

He's gonna have to go through that very soon. When I sent her a strongly worded and very long text telling her to basically get out of my life because she kept lying about the guy she was bringing around when I had asked her well over a month in advanced to make a little time for me cause I wanted to talk to her about some heavy stuff and she was always "too busy" and "he's just dropping off groceries" when he walks in empty handed right after parking and he's spending two, three nights in a row there without changing clothes. I said that it's gonna be three months and she'll find someone else to replace him with.

Well, it's been three months, and he was over this morning, only for him to be sent home in the late afternoon and another guy showed up an hour later. No, I'm not stalking them. I just spend a lot of time on my porch and have a functional pair of eyes, paranoid tendencies, and at least 3 functional brain cells. I look at every car and every person that comes in and leaves the parking lot because my eyes are attuned to movement and I react to the sound of people talking. I can hear them taking right now because I have a good sense of hearing. Couldn't tell you what they're talking about because I'm not listening.

That's not to say that I haven't had urges to hurt her. Not physically. I'd never lay my hands on someone that hadn't hit me first. I mean emotionally, tearing her apart with my words. Main reason I haven't is because she's not worth the jail time because I would not be kind. I've also had the urge to get her evicted, and have the evidence to back up the fact that she violates her lease on a daily basis. It would be petty as shit, but I could do it. However, I don't want that to come back to me or come across to the property manager like I'm a whiny baby. Yes, I have the entirety of the terms of my lease memorized because I kinda like not being homeless.

I just wish she'd move away so I can move on. Every time I see her, I get angry at her for wasting a year and a half of my life when there were other people who were interested that I turned down because I was committed to someone else. I've got no problem with open relationships and polycules and what have you. Given the right circumstances, I'd be down for that. However, I can't stand a liar, especially someone who lies about loving me.

And she would lie about anything. She flat out tried to tell me that she never eats with her hands. We went to 5 different restaurants on my birthday last year and everything was eaten with your hands: burgers, sandwiches, pizza. Either she is the worst liar I have ever met or she is one of the dumbest people I've ever known who is incapable of remembering something for more than 6 months. Or remembering that I worked at the restaurant she frequented on wing night and she always ate with her hands, complaining about how greasy her fingers were afterwards when we'd have a smoke before she went home, and I only started there in March and quit in July. She tried to claim this in April, so maybe no memory retention beyond a week, I guess. However, she holds down a job as a shift leader at a furniture store, so clearly that's not the case.

I was so angry about the whole ordeal with her that I needed to sit down and talk with a friend of mine who's a licensed therapist in Hungary. Wonderful, sweet woman. She helped guide me on what to do and how to handle the situation, so I followed her advice and tried to communicate with her. She responded with excuses, lies, and attempts to deflect. I then blew up a little bit and sent her a piece of my mind. It wasn't mean, it wasn't hurtful, it was just honest, meaning I very much restrained myself, cause part of me wanted to make it hurt. I decided against it because I doubt it's possible to make her feel anything.

And I really, really wanted to sit there and pick her apart and highlight that incident in her life that I've figured out through context clues and behaviors and just put her on blast. Just tear into her. But I was reminded of when I had a ex do that to me in the worst way possible: through a proxy. She used the Facebook account of the guy she was banging behind my back to weaponize my insecurities against me and the only thing that was stopping me from jumping from my 3rd floor balcony was the fact that I'd probably horrify whoever found me in the morning, and that went on for nearly two months. It doesn't matter how much I hate someone, I'd never subject them to that. It'd be extremely cruel and unfair because I'm an open book so my scars are visible for others to see. They're wounds no one can open again. With her, it's something she'd likely never tell anyone about in her life and would do a lot of damage.

My insecurities are a different story, as I tend to keep those personal. I know I'm not the best looking guy, and I've made peace with that. I'm just funny instead, and woo people with comedy. It's things like some of the deformities I have and the fact that I'll never have biological kids that claw at my insides. Combine that with my depression and you get someone who just hates themselves. Frankly, I hate my dick. I don't hate having one, just hating the one I got. It's not even about size, cause that's not the issue. I've got a deformity there and every partner I've ever had makes an effort to bring it up in some way and I just wish they'd fucking stop because they're either patronizing me or outright mocking me. They'll talk about how much they love it when we're together then immediately turn that against me once things end, even if they're the one who ended it through no action of my own.

I wish I didn't live in this country so I could actually afford to see a therapist instead of needing to be my own. It's getting really mentally taxing to let myself spiral just to get to the root of the issue.

But I am so very tempted to yell over at her place, "First guy wasn't enough for you today, so you had to drag another guy home? Is this why he left early, cause you lied to him about needing to do something, only to really be fucking someone else behind his back? Could just end things like an honest person would, but you're too scared that maybe this one won't work out so you keep him around as a backup, stringing him along with lies and excuses? Maybe I should let him know the next time he comes around."

I hate being right. I really do, and I genuinely feel bad for the guy she replaced me with. I'm not being facetious.

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kaurwreck · 4 months ago

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for the record i am a big fan of complex abuse narratives in which all of the contradictions therein are represented, as that is my lived reality. but both of these narratives can coexist here and i think theyre layered so that they exist both in the alternative and in the muddled in-between. i also think it is consistent with this story that there are layers in each of its narratives which permeate into the source material.

this is a layer that i think exists where they are sparring, and in those moments akutagawa is petulant and throws fits at dazai when changing patterns gets hard, and whenever dazai and akutagawa are so much like each other that they communicate less in words and more in withering glares over how embarassing and violating it is when someone understands you that well.

(btw i love when akutagawa glares at dazai; he's done it a few times and he always aims to kill.)

anyway the fandom does this knee jerk thing where they decide something that is a core part of a character is deeply unhealthy and not the right way to live -- like when people frame kunikida's ideals and rigidity as unhealthy or burdensome. but the thesis of the overarching narrative is that there is no right way to live. so, you find what works for you and you chase it.

the illustration of this i always return to is his arc with kyouka: how akutagawa tries to do for kyouka what dazai did for him, and then IMMEDIATELY backs off when he realizes (i) the degree to which it wasnt helping and that (ii) she found her reason to live elsewhere. his relationship with kyouka just doesnt speak cyclical abuse to me; it speaks to something that worked for him for a long time even if now he's ready for something different with atsushi.

because atsushi really was what dazai was promising him. he told akutagawa that he would give him a reason to live, a path towards a meaningful life. everything before atsushi was triage, a lifeline, a stopgap, something for akutagawa to hold onto while dazai worked out what it would take to save him the way he was then beginning to think he could be saved too.

they understand the dark, ugly parts of each other implicitly. it's why he knew dazai was alive and somewhere in the city during dazai's four year sabbatical from his past. the degree to which what looks like violence objectively is experienced subjectively by akutagawa as affection is made evident by his immediate relapse when dazai resurfaced; by his attempts to slip back into his prior pattern of inverting his self destruction so that dazai would become angry at him over it. not unlike how easy it is to fall into childishness around a nurturing figure, or an older sibling.

but he's too grown and healed for that behavior; which is why dazai did not respond to akutagawa's tantrums. not to hurt him, or to be callous, or as an act of even unintentional abuse. but because akutagawa knew better and was regressing. dazai was well aware his overt attention would have only encouraged that regression. but he didn't withold his affection for akutagawa either; he nudged and maneuvered and brought akutagawa to where akutagawa needed to be to see where he belonged in their maturing, evolving dynamic.

and, if there were any doubt for me that they are communicating in a language to which the rest of us aren't privy, it's resolved by how the above framework makes sense of their conversation below.

akutagawa knows, and dazai knows he knows. because just like they share the same fragile nerves and propensity for viciousness, they share the same overwhelming sense that atsushi might be their will to live, personified.

pm!dazai didn't abuse akutagawa. he reacted proportionately to the threat akutagawa posed to himself.

when dazai smacks akutagawa around in canon, they're running drills. dazai is not hitting him in misdirected anger or because he is venting his own suffering on him. akutagawa does not instinctually protect himself. in his fits of hyperviolence, he seeks to kill and be killed, and nearly is in beast, and in the course of his initial pursuit of atsushi.

he does not have the reflex or will or instinct to defend himself, and he is slow because he is having to consciously process the effort. his automatic reflex is to attack, but that will not stop him from being shot or overwhelmed or blindsided.

what they are doing in those scenes, what dazai is uniquely able to practice with him since rashomon can't pierce him, is not unlike cognitive behavioral therapy interventions. akutagawa is wired such that when he is triggered, he develops tunnel vision, pressing forward relentlessly without registering danger or responding to negative stimuli. this is a pattern developed from when he deemed dearh inevitable, and one which is liable to get him killed regardless of whether he has a reason to live.

he needs to consciously retrain his instinctual response, and he has to consciously and consistently reinforce it against his existing, much quicker instinct. he has to do it before he has the conviction or will to do it. and he has to do it over and over again, even when it isn't immediately life or death, because the instinct is self reinforcing, and the pattern he is trying to supplant it with is not yet.

skills are part of their users' framework for responding to their environment. jun'ichiro is anxious, but he can hide within light snow. kunikida has his notebook, but it has rigid limitations that he adapts to, similarly to how he works within the limitations of reality to keep from becoming consumed by his ideals.

akutagawa's skill, meanwhile, is wildly fucking disproportionate to akutagawa's constitution which is a problem when akutagawa wont react defensively. akutagawa is canonically frail, chronically ill, thin, and short (he's 5'8", but asagiri insists he's itty bitty every time he describes him in prose). rashomon, meanwhile, is monstrously powerful and hungry. it lends a false sense of untouchable violence when akutagawa himself is weak, and also is just really difficult to focus and control such that using it brings akutagawa into coughing fits. rashomon is also terrifying even in visage; it invites others to react with violence proportionate to their terror against the spectre of rashomon — but akutagawa is small, sick, and human; what is proportionate to rashomon is IMMENSE overkill if aimed at akutagawa. which is especially egregious because akutagawa will let them.

in other words, when dazai meets akutagawa, rashomon is as dangerous to its user as to anyone else. skills should not get their users killed. dazai is right. it's a shit skill.

akutagawa is vulnerable and self-destructive, and he and dazai are working to rewire his instinctual evaluation of his stakes. even when dazai punches akutagawa after akutagawa kills the mimic soldier, it's not a random act of violence or unregulated anger. the mimic soldier was not going to lead them to gide, there was no reality where they restrained him before he bit his cyanide, and he'd attacked dazai. but instead of reacting defensively at the opportunity, akutagawa fell to the former instinct, leaving himself wide open.

dazai reacts how he does because:

they are supplanting an ingrained instinct that is self reinforcing, the correction needs to be consistent to change the pattern and the former instinct needs to be discouraged with the same severity as the threat it poses;

by punching akutagawa first, dazai gave him notice and time to consciously muster the defense reaction theyre working on;

akutagawa needs to build an association between the defensive reaction and the triggering stimulus for this to work;

the context in which this happens is the exact sort of threat that rashomon is then ill equipped to handle— gide can see into the future, like oda, and mimic are military trained gunmen.

when dazai tells akutagawa that he couldn't ever defeat oda, he's not taunting him, he's right. akutagawa is relying on swift killing blows, but against someone who can see into the future, akutagawa is as vulnerable as a baby. and then, shortly after, that's what happens: gide wrecks his shit and is about to murder him dead when oda swoops in to grab dazai's dumb horrible baby kouhai who's trying to kill himself with the ambitious gusto of a horse.

as long as akutagawa fails to seek self-preservation, he is remarkably vulnerable. he's weak, and he's going to get himself killed. dazai doesn't coddle him about it for the same reason fukuzawa slaps ranpo for scampering into a police car with a murderer. you dont get praise for self endangerment.

dazai is not going to affirm a version of akutagawa that is trying to kill the boy dazai promised to save.

***

(also, this explains why akutagawa hates taking baths and being without his coat. dazai tried to instill in akutagawa the vigilance to register danger. in his absence, akutagawa strove to be worthy of demanding his approval by diligently practicing. but he's dazai's dumb baby kouhai who. takes things too far lmao.)

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd dazai #bsd akutagawa #sometimes i know it must seem like i say things just to be contrarian or confrontational #but i'm so convinced of this #and if they were real people then yeah maybe i would also be like yikes #but they're not and in the context of the narrative #they're a really sharp demonstration of the central theme #that there is no right way to live. that's terrifying. it's also liberating.#akutagawa and dazai can't change their natures. but they can choose how to live. and they do so by meeting each other where the other is at #and communicating in the language that makes sense to them. others don't need to understand.#whatever anyone else thinks we all owe it to ourselves and each other to not prescribe arbitrary metrics for how others should live.#abandon how one “should” live and consider instead: what would make you want to live?#while remembering that you can't answer that question for anyone but yourself.#and perhaps i'm trying to tell you how you should live in all of this myself. but i don't really think i'm right.#except about how capable i am of being wrong. and that's what brought me around to seeing dazai and akutagawa's relationship more kindly.#for that i could be sooo wrong. but i'm choosing it anyway.#isn't that a little bit wonderful?

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