#okay rambling over i just needed to hype myself up to feel social tonight

[barkingangelbaby]

seeing a local band that we print for tonight w my manager!! very excited yet socially anxious!! it will be a great time!!

[looselucy]

Foundations

May 15th “Harry put a notice on his door again.” Libby told me, stood at the end of my bed with her arms folded. “Huh?” “He’s cancelled the sessions until further notice so… I wouldn’t feel bad about giving this one a miss. You feeling any better?”

I’d been faking an illness since Sunday. I’d opened the shop up and gone to work, but other than that I’d been keeping myself to myself, telling everyone I wasn’t feeling well so I could avoid all social gatherings, especially Harry’s self-defence class. Apparently, there was nothing to avoid. “Um… kinda, yeah.” I sat up, resting my back against the wall. “So… has Harry gone again?” “Dunno. It didn’t say he was outta town or anything, just that they’re cancelled for now. Dunno what’s going on. Louis text him, but no response.” I should’ve known Harry would have left again, it was typical, but I suppose I hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly. It had only been three days since things ended between us, since I’d told him I loved him. Three short days, and he was gone again. I think it was the first time where he’d left and I actually felt good about it. “Maybe he’s working.” I sighed. “Probably. So… do you need owt? Do you want me to make you some food?” “No, I’m okay, thanks. I’m feeling better, I’ll probably come to the pub tonight.” “Ooh yay! Good!” She perked up, grabbing the duvet and yanking it downwards, off the bed completely. “C’mon then! Up you get.” “Argh, it’s cold!” I complained, writhing around. “It’s not bloody cold, you’re just too used to bed. Get up! Get yourself a shower and let’s go to the pub. You’ll feel better for it.” I did as I was told, groaning as I dragged myself away from my comfort, still not feeling entirely confident about facing everyone again, because I wasn’t sure I could hide my heartache. Before I told Harry I loved him, I’d been so ready to talk about us, so ready to share with my friends the relationship we had formed, but after all the awful truths I’d encountered on Sunday night, that was the last thing I wanted. I never wanted to acknowledge it ever again; to them, to anyone. I would have to learn to conceal what I was feeling, because the last thing I wanted was questions. I scurried into the bathroom, beginning to undress when I heard a knock on my front door. “Can you get that?” I called through to her. “Yeah. S’probably just Chloe.” I imagined she’d attempted to rally the troops so they could drag me out of bed with a little peer pressure; enough to get me out of my flat and feeling a little better. But it wasn’t Chloe. Libby knocked on my bathroom door a few moments later, poking her head around the corner after I’d grabbed a towel to cover my decency. “It’s Harry.” She whispered. “What?” “It’s Harry! Harry’s here.” I clung my towel around my body even tighter, gawking at her like she could give me some sort of answer even though she must have been even more clueless than I was as to why Harry had shown up at my front door. She shrugged, tilting her head to encourage me to actually see for myself. Surprisingly, I rushed out of the bathroom to see him, but by the time I stepped out he was already protesting his presence, stood in the doorway between my bedroom and living area. “Y’know what, it’s fine. I don’t even know why I’m here.” He rambled. “M’gunna go.” “What’s wrong?” I worried. “Nothing’s wrong, it’s fine. Forget it.” He was wholly unconvincing in his attempts to persuade us that things were fine. He seemed frantic, clearly hoping to catch me on my own and thrown by the fact we were in company. “Is everything okay?” Libby asked. “Do you two need a minute? I can go-” “No, no, I’m good. Everything’s fine.” He began backing out of there, hands held up in surrender. “I’ll just… I’ll speak to you all another time.” “Are you gunna come to the pub tonight?” Libby asked. “Uh… Yeah, whatever. I’ll see you then.” He huffed. And then seconds later he was gone, rushing back out the door and escaping the situation. I couldn’t think of a single reason why he’d show his face, not after what happened. We’d both made ourselves pretty clear, and I’d made it more than clear that I didn’t want to see him. It made more sense to me that he’d leave the fucking country completely rather than show up at my home a mere three days after telling me he couldn’t love me. The door crashed back into place, Libby slowly turning her head to gage me, but I was dumbfounded. “What just happened?” “I… I’ve got no idea.” My eyes were still sealed on the spot where he had stood. “Is… Is there something going on with you two?” She questioned suspiciously. I was glad she’d asked me then. A few weeks earlier, I might have snapped. A few weeks earlier, I might have blushed and beamed over the two of us, excitedly bleating out all of it. But she’d asked just a few days too late. And what I replied didn’t even feel like a lie. “With Harry?” I frowned, almost sniggered. “How the fuck would that even work? He seems… so emotionally unavailable.” She nodded, understanding why I felt that way because of how he was in general, the sides we’d seen of him; how reserved he was, how quiet, even his anger to some extent. She sighed, looked away. “I dunno.” She mumbled. “I feel for him. I think he’s just… lost.”

My eyes kept flitting from the door to my pint, a sinking feeling that for an unknown reason, Harry really was going to show his face at some point. I’d felt much more comfortable in my bed, or thinking that he’d taken off again, left Rosebury entirely, even if it was just for a while. But I’d already told Libby I was feeling better, so bed didn’t feel like an option. I was having to face the music, however agonising the sound. “Drink up, Chloe. M’going to the bar.” Niall instructed. “Fuck sake, I’m taking my time, leave me be!” She snapped. “Alright, I won’t buy you a drink then! Jeez.” He wheezed, getting to his feet. “Sorry for offering.” I watched him as he rolled his eyes and went off to the bar before turning and nudging Chloe as discreetly as I could, glad to be sat next to her so I could quickly check in. “You okay?” I whispered. “Yeah, why?” She seemed just as hostile with me. “Just checking. If you wanna go for a chat, I-” “I’m fine.” “Okay.” I gave up as quickly as she obviously wanted me to. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who was in low spirits. It was clear that something was wrong, and clearer that she wasn’t willing to discuss it. Usually when we got there on a Wednesday night after one of Harry’s classes, we were so hyped up and happy and full of energy. I suppose that made a bit of a difference in itself, but we couldn’t blame that entirely. Something was off. I really wished I’d stayed at home. I really, really wished I’d stayed at home. “I’m tired tonight.” Lin said, attempting to soften the mood, excuse our quietness. “Me too.” I agreed. “I’m still not feeling a hundred percent, I’m probably not gunna stay much longer.” “Don’t you wanna see what Harry has to say for himself?” Libby quizzed. “Harry?” Chloe puzzled. “Harry turned up at Alf’s all strange and… agitated. Said he’s gunna speak to us all tonight. It was weird, wasn’t it?” “Mm.” The sound of his name had changed. Only a week earlier, hearing his name would make blood rush to my cheeks, would set my mind alight with memories and expectations and joy. I’d hear his name and I’d fill with this excitement, this burst of electricity that told me I’d found something special. I hated how even that had changed. Like my heart wasn’t aching enough, even something as small as hearing his damn name sent my stomach southwards, made my chest literally ache. It was like I could cry at the sound. It was such an awful, awful thing, and at that point it really felt like it was a feeling that wouldn’t go away. I genuinely couldn’t see myself moving on and making my peace with it. I felt like there’d always be this sense of longing, that I’d always have questions that couldn’t ever be answered about him, about our relationship. His name would never sound the same again. “I worry about that lad.” Louis spoke quietly. “I feel like he’s the type where like… he’s too busy looking after everyone else to look after himself. Know what I mean?” I looked down again, pondering over Louis’ words, because I couldn’t argue against them at all. The wellbeing of others had always been the focus. With his dad in his younger years, moving quickly onto his mother once Jack began getting aggressive, and even down to the classes he ran. He was so good at caring about others, doing all he could to help people, he’d never even had the opportunity to learn how to care for and be kind to himself. It didn’t come naturally to him. All his attempts to feel better had ended up doing more damage. I thought we’d helped. I thought I’d helped. I’d thought a lot of things. Literal seconds later, Harry welcomed himself back into The Tin Mouse, his ears likely burning. I was reminded quickly that seeing him was just as excruciating as hearing his name. Everyone greeted him cheerily, brushing over what Libby was telling us. It was immediately noticeable that his mood was no better than it had been when he’d appeared at my place. “Alright, lad?” Niall said as he approached from the bar, juggling three pints. “Yeah, yeah, fine.” “You wanna drink?” “Nah, I’m… I’m not gunna say. I just wanted to… talk to you all.” This was so out of his nature, everything about it. He hadn’t looked me in the eye but I hadn’t stopped staring at him, perplexed by what he was doing. Yet somehow, despite how off and uncomfortable he seemed, how unfamiliar his actions were, I knew what he was going to say. I could tell. “What’s up?” Louis asked. “I… I’m gunna move back to New York.” He said, and even though it didn’t surprise me per-se, it still knocked the wind out of me. “I… I thought I should… tell you. I… Yeah. M’gunna leave Rosebury. For good.” A few weeks without him might have done me good. A while where his company wasn’t a constant just so I could learn how to fucking breathe again. I needed to reacquaint myself with what my life was like without loving him. I’d been craving some time to relearn a normality in which he was not the beating heart of my existence. But not that. There wasn’t a part of me that wanted him gone for good. And that wasn’t even for my sake, not really. It was for his. He deserved to stay in Rosebury. He needed to stay. Maybe he hadn’t found the exact happiness he’d hoped there, but he’d found something, much more than he’d ever found in New York. I was dumbfounded, unable to find the words. I felt like it was my fault but also hated myself for even thinking that way, blaming myself for loving him when he’d been the one who had moulded my heart into the perfect shape so he could place himself within it. “Are you serious?” Libby asked after we were quiet for quite some time. “Yeah.” He nodded. “I uh… I think… I think I’m done here. I just… I thought you should all know.” The fact he was even telling us felt like a reason he should stay. I didn’t think he’d ever had people in London or New York or Paris or wherever the hell he’d been who he’d felt the need to tell he was moving away, but he had that with us. I couldn’t see how he wasn’t adding all this up in his head, or maybe he was and it simply wasn’t enough. For some time, we all just stared at him, and I hoped someone else would break the silence because I had no idea what I might say if I even attempted to talk to him. He still hadn’t even plucked up the courage to look at me. “Is it for work?” Lin asked tentatively. “Um… Yeah, I guess, in a way. It’s easier…” “But not necessary?” “No, not necessary.” “Then… why?” Because of me. Because of his brother. Because of his mum. Because Rosebury had once represented a feeling of hope to him, and that was no longer the case. “It just feels like the right time. I think it’s time for me to… move on.” But maybe the emotions he had about us and that tiny village were exactly the reason behind him leaving. In the places he’d moved his life before, it had been blank, lifeless, and lonely; they were places he wanted to leave because he craved more, but that was what he’d grown accustom to. Maybe the emotions he’d tied to us were too complex for him to cope with. It must have been overwhelming for him, I could understand that. This was totally different to every other time he’d packed up and moved on. He'd left us all a little stunned, sad and silent for quite some time. “Well… I guess if that’s what you want-” Louis tried. “Nah, fuck that, you should stay.” Niall barked. “Niall-” Lin sighed, trying to tame him. “No, I’m serious!” He had no intention of backing down. “Harry, we can see how happy you are here! We want you here, we love you to bits! I don’t even care if I’m being selfish, I think you should stay!” “I do too.” Louis agreed swiftly. “We all do!” Niall continued. “The rest of ‘em are just being polite thinking that’s what you want, but I don’t think it is what you want, is it?” “I… I dunno.” Harry blurted uncomfortably. “We can all see this place is good for you, so stay.” “I… I can’t.” “Why? I consider you one of my best mates, Harry, and I know none of these lot could fuck off without me grilling them and finding out why, so I want the same from you.” He snapped. “Why’re you going? And if it’s anything we’ve done, then tell us.” “Of course it’s not you guys. You’re… the best people I’ve ever had in my life. Ever.” Harry trembled, his words bringing tears to my eyes. “But I… I can’t stay here. M’sorry, I just can’t.” Niall practically collapsed onto the chair behind him, folding his arms and shaking his head as he did, defeated. The rest of them didn’t know the full extent of it, just how unhappy he’d been before he moved to Rosebury, but they knew enough. They’d seen him slowly coming out of his shell, they’d read about his life in New York, picked up on things like his scars. Even through the things that seemed small to the rest of them, they could see how far he’d come since we first met him. But it seemed he had his mind made up. “When are you going?” Libby was practically sulking. “In the next few weeks, I think.” “Will we see you before? Have a leaving-do and stuff?” Chloe asked quietly. “M'not sure. I’ve not… thought about it.” “If you just fuck off without telling us I swear to-” “Niall!” Lin cried again. “What? This is bullshit. I’m just calling it like I see it.” “I’m gunna go.” Harry said, backing away, probably tired of the tension he’d created. “I’m sorry. I promise I’ll see you before I go. I’m sorry.” He didn’t even let us say anything else, darting out the door as quickly as he could, leaving us all reeling. I only had my eyes on the door for a few seconds before I lost my nerve. “Fuck this.” I huffed, getting up to my feet and following him outside. I couldn’t let him walk away. Not once had he dared look at me and I wasn’t going to let him take what he thought was the easy way out without a fight. I couldn’t. By the time I was outdoors he was in the middle of the road, headed homewards, head down. “Harry!” I cried, bringing him to a standstill. He stopped, turning himself around to face me, finally looking at me because he had no other choice. I walked out onto the road to join him, leaving a few metres between us, ignoring the pull in my stomach that told me to close the gap completely, wrap my arms around him and tell him I loved him even though I knew I wouldn’t hear it back. “What the fuck are you doing?” I probed. “You… You can’t just-” “I wanted to tell you on your own. I didn’t wanna… I didn’t want it to be like that.” “You think that’s what I care about? How you told me?” I asked, but he didn’t answer. “I want you to stay!” “No you don’t.” “I do! Not for my sake, for yours.” “There’s nothing left for me here.” “That’s not true!” “I came here for my mum, but she’s not gunna turn up, is she? I came for her and I… I stayed for you.” He told me, messing with my mind even further. “But now we’re… I-I don’t have a reason to be here anymore.” “I don’t think that’s true. I think there are so many reasons you should be here, and I dunno if I was ever one of those reasons.” “You were the reason, Alfie.” “How can you say that?” I quaked. “How dare you say that after all the shit you said to me the other night?” He was almost contradicting what he’d said to me on Sunday evening by stating I was the reason he’d stayed put. It didn’t add up with what he’d said, how he’d never wanted anything serious from us, how he'd only gone along with it because it was what I wanted. How could I possibly be the reason he’d stayed when he’d seen me as a quick fuck and nothing else? “I care about you a lot, Alfie. I know it’s not… how you thought, but I do care about you. You mean a lot to me. That… That’s one of the reasons I should go.” “Stop predicting what I want and listen to me!” I whelped. “I want you to stay!” “You don’t! Why the fuck do you want me to stay after all of this?” “Because I care about you too! I want what’s best for you!” “What’s best for me isn’t here! Maybe it was at one point, but not now. I can’t stay here. Fuck, I can’t even be around you!” “Why?” “Because I…” It was like he thought he’d be doing me a favour by leaving. He'd seemed so heartless in the way he’d handled things the other night, maybe he thought this was him making up for that, like stepping away would allow me the space and give me a life where I could move on. “You deserve better, Fee.” He mumbled. “I can’t give you what you need.” He couldn’t give me the love I desired, and it seemed to me he thought that was a good reason to leave, start again in a place he knew made him miserable. “If you’re doing this for my sake-” “I’m doing it for ours.” He seemed soft, sure. “You have to see that. It… It’s more than us, I dunno if that was just the nail in the coffin.” “Did you ever think about leaving before things ended between us?” I asked. “Ever?” “It… It’s complicated.” All I could take from that was that he had thought about leaving. I don’t know why that surprised me given everything I’d learnt about his feelings just a few days earlier, but it did. I couldn’t imagine being in the position we were and being as close as we were and ever considering moving somewhere else. Every reminder than he didn’t love me hurt just as much as when he’d first literally told me he didn’t. “This is so fucked up.” I ached, grabbing at my hair as my eyes filled with tears. “This doesn’t feel right. I don’t want you to go back there. It made you so unhappy before, I don’t-” “Please don’t worry about me.” “Harry, I love you!” I blurted. “I can’t just stop worrying about you! I don’t care what’s happened with us, I don’t want you to be unhappy.” “I’m unhappy now, Alf!” He yelled. “Aren’t you?” Of course I was unhappy. My heart was breaking more and more with each passing minute, but that didn’t mean I thought he should leave. None of it felt right. “Nothing I can say is gunna make you stay, is it?” I asked him quietly, tears rolling down my cheeks. He shook his head. It was as simple as that. There was nothing I could do. “I wish things were different…” He sighed. “You made things like this, Harry. This is your doing. This is your bed. If you don’t have the guts to stick around and lay in it, that’s on you.” It was all on his head, whether he could see that or not. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel for him or sympathise at all, but if he’d wanted things to be different, that had been in his hands the whole time, his to control, his to shape. If he wanted change then he had to open himself up to that, not revert back to old and harmful habits. “Fine, leave. Have a nice life, Harry.” I huffed, turning to walk back indoors. “Fee-Fee-” “I hope you find whatever the fuck it is you’re looking for.” He didn’t say anything else, motionless as he watched me walk back indoors, making sure to wipe away my final tears before I slammed the door behind me. I was greeted by hopeful eyes once I was back inside The Tin Mouse, all five of them sat eagerly awaiting good news, optimistic that I’d been able to say enough to make him stay. I could see that hope drain before I’d even said anything, the look of me enough to tell them things hadn’t gone well. “He’s leaving.” I shrugged. “He’s got his mind made up.” “Are you serious?” Niall wailed. “Yep. I tried, but… Sorry.” “It’s not your fault, Alf.” Louis groaned. “It’s just… a shit situation.” “M’gunna get a drink.” “I’ll come with you.” Chloe bit quickly, shooting up to her feet to follow me to the bar, waiting until we were just out of earshot to talk to me. “Can I have a word? In private?” “Sure.” I managed a smile, thinking that she’d open up about why she’d been so miserable all evening. “Shall we go out the back?” We made our way through the door at the back of the pub that lead out into the beer garden, and I rather quickly noticed her shift from seemingly annoyed and pent, to nervous and agitated. We stayed close to the door, and I tried to look cheery just to encourage her, but selfishly I really wanted to cry, go home, forget the past few days completely. And the look on her face didn’t make me feel any better about whatever it was she was about to share with me. “Okay.” She took a deep breath in, and slowly back out. “I just… I really need to tell you something. And I feel awful about it but I really think you deserve to know. I…” “Go on…” I encouraged anxiously. “I slept with Sam.” She blurted, and my stomach dropped. “Well, I… I’ve been sleeping with Sam.” “You… You’re sleeping with Sam?” I couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of my mouth. “I wanted to tell you but I’ve been so scared! You were together for so long-” “I fucking know that, Chloe! I’m well aware. But that clearly didn’t stop you.” “I know and I’m sorry!” She cried. “But… I actually really like him, Alfie.” “No. Chloe, no.” I took a step back from her, closed my eyes and pressed my fingers tight against my temples. “You don’t wanna be with a boy like Sam. This isn’t… This isn’t about me being with him, even though that’s fucked up enough. He’s not a nice person.” “I really think he is though!” “Chloe, he treated me like shit for years! He still tries to get a rise out of me every single time I see him! He backed me up against a wall in my own fucking home!” “I don’t think that’s actually what he’s like though! I’ve been spending a lot of time with him, an-and I think-” “This is fucking joke. Tell me you’re fucking joking.” I could feel all my foundations crumbling around me and I didn’t know what to do or how to save them. I felt like so much was just happening and changing around me, all completely out of my control but also affecting me directly. My life was altering and I hated it. I hated all of it. “I think he’s changed, and he seems to really like me too, so…” “So what? What do you want? My fucking blessing?” “I-” “Well you don’t have it. You can do better than him, Chloe. And you’re better than fucking your best mates ex, too. Fuck this.” I threw my hands up. “I’m done. I’m going home.” “Alfie-” “I don’t have the energy to do this right now.” I was welling up again, heading back indoors before even giving her the chance to elaborate on what had been happening between them, how serious her feelings were. I couldn’t face it, not then. “I don’t wanna be here, I wanna go home.” It wasn’t even like Chloe was aware that I’d moved on. Whether it had fallen apart or not, my relationship with Harry had stomped out any possible fond feelings I could have for Sam. Fuck, everything that had happened before and after my relationship with Sam ended had been enough to demolish those feelings. I could look back and see our relationship for what it really was, which was toxic and concocted from what the two of us thought love was, but it wasn’t real love. It never had been. But as far as Chloe was aware, Sam was the last person I’d been with. It would have been plausible and understandable that I was still coming to terms with the fact we weren’t together at all. She knew what he’d done to me, she knew how much it had all affected me, and it was like she’d just ignored it all. I felt sick. I stormed through the pub, only coming to a standstill once I’d gotten past the bar and past our table, Lin calling me to a quick halt. “Woah, Alf, where’re you going?” “Home.” I bit, Chloe traipsing slowly behind me. “Why?” “Because Chloe is fucking Sam, and I don’t have it in me to deal with that right now.” I got to see all their faces completely drop before I left, slamming the door behind me once again and marching off down the street where I’d argued with Harry just minutes earlier. Everything made me feel like my soul had been drained from my body drip by drip. I felt humiliated as I wandered home, tears pouring from my eyes, glad to finally be on my own again because company had done me no favours whatsoever. As miserable as I’d been for the past few days, it still would have been better than leaving the house and encountering the news I had from both Chloe and Harry. I found myself thinking back to when me and Harry had painted together, how settled I’d felt, how happy and incredible everything had felt. It somehow seemed like a lifetime ago, because those emotions seemed so distant, almost unfeasible. I would have given anything to go back to that day. I would have given anything to turn back the clocks, temper with time just to feel that again, to experience those emotions rather than the ones I was experiencing then. It had taken a matter of weeks for my life to flip on its head and become this thing that felt damaged and wrong. It was so quick. And it was strange, because as the trees surrounding Harry’s house came into sight, I found myself wanting to veer off down that dingy path leading up to his home and go to him, find comfort in his arms once again. I couldn’t even comprehend why I was thinking and feeling that way after what he’d done to my heart on Sunday night, but there was this instinct there, a connection between us that still existed, even after everything. Something told me that the superior and substantial bond we had was real, and couldn’t possibly disappear overnight. Heartbreak wasn’t strong enough to dismantle love. It was the stronger of the two, which felt like something worth remembering. And despite my instincts, despite how desperate I felt to see him, I simply went home.