#okay maybe I should at that I don’t know if it is the entire marketing budget

[wttcsms]

balancing act ; satoru gojo.

pairing satoru gojo x f!reader   word count 3.9k   synopsis gojo bets that he can get you to fall in love in three months, and you bet that he can't go three months with staying committed to one person and not bang them. neither of you plan on losing. content contains modern no curses!au, mentions of sex and vulgar language (but no smut yet), simp gojo <3 author’s notes i plan on wrapping things up quickly this time around, so i have five parts planned for this mini series!

Satoru Gojo is used to a wide array of reactions to any of his antics: awe (the summer analyst, Miwa, always stares at him like he himself is the one who created the stock market), irritation (Nanami is rarely ever in agreement with the comments Gojo leaves on his work), lust (Gojo gives just as much he receives because he’s benevolent like that — his words, of course). 

But he’s not quite used to being laughed at. 

He’s handsome, and he knows it, a deadly combination for any man because Shoko claims that all men are born with an astonishing amount of audacity and it only ever grows as they get older. Satoru brings up the fact that Shoko technically cheated her way through med school, and that any doctor worth her degree wouldn’t get onto patients while lighting up a cigarette of all things, but Shoko is equally stubborn and audacious as any man, and it just makes her a worthy opponent to get into arguments with. 

Being attractive and arrogant isn’t enough to keep him from suffering mild humiliation from time to time, though. The reason why Satoru doesn’t get embarrassed is because the world is unfair, so he happens to be born rich and smart enough and talented enough to just keep on getting richer. Even he is entirely aware of his privilege, but he’s got the type of personality that would be endearing even if he wasn’t hot, so everyone loves him. 

And you don’t hate him, he knows that. He also knows that you don’t love him, which is fine, because it’s not your love, or awe, or irritation, or lust (okay, maybe some lust would be nice) that Satoru wants from you. He just wants you for you, your honesty and whatever scraps of yourself that you toss to him. 

Today’s scraps are your laughter, which rings through the whole entire office, singing above the noisy clacks of keys being smashed by the analysts and the whirring of the printer shooting out hundreds of pages a minute. He feels a warmth spread from his stomach to his chest and maybe it even rises up to his neck, he’s not so sure. He should feel slightly embarrassed, he thinks, to have said something seriously only for you to find comedy in it, but he doesn’t. He just feels pleased with himself for making you laugh, like he’s done something great.

“You are so full of shit, Gojo.” You’re still smiling, even though you’re not bothering to look at him anymore. Your attention is now focused on the report one of the analysts has turned into you, and from the lack of comments you’re leaving, he assumes it’s Megumi’s work. 

“I was being serious, y’know.” Satoru’s more than tall enough to see over the cubicles, especially when he’s standing up, and he leans over it, his head and upper body leaning into your personal desk space. The cubicles don’t do jack shit for privacy, anyway, so he doesn’t feel bad when you complain that he’s invading your privacy. If it was privacy that you craved, you wouldn’t have three monitors raised, each of them displaying a jumble of numbers and words that Satoru doesn’t care about. 

“So was I.” You tell him.

Just thirty minutes ago, you walked into the office with a quad shot espresso, unceremoniously plopped your Longchamp tote onto the floor, and dramatically sighed to get your desk neighbor’s attention. Utahime is always a good sport when it comes to your antics but doesn’t bother extending the same courtesy to Satoru, which he considers to be very unfair considering that he’s technically everyone’s boss. It is his name that’s displayed on the side of the building, and his private equity firm that he’s built up alongside Suguru. 

“What happened this time?” Utahime asks you, like the good sport she is. Satoru, at that time, was pretending not to eavesdrop even though he is, because he’s a nosy bastard. 

“I hate men.” You say, leaning back in your chair. “He left me for someone nice.”

The way you say it lets him — and Utahime, who is actually the person you’re talking to — know that that nice was a direct quote from your ex.

Utahime furrows her brows, looking confused. “But you are nice.” 

Debatable, is what Satoru wants to say, but he’s remaining silent so he can get the full story out of you first.

“No. I’m a workaholic with no personality outside of my fancy finance job.” 

Ouch. 

Satoru doesn’t see an issue with you, though. So what, you’re hardworking and focused? He thinks it’s kinda hot to see someone with so much ambition and discipline. He wouldn’t have hired you if you were anything less. 

“He’s just insecure.” Utahime says, soft voice trying to soothe you, even though Satoru hears the familiar sound of your manicure typing in your login details to your computer. He knows it’s silly to think he can tell the difference between your typing and anyone else’s, and he doesn’t want to think too hard about what that could possibly mean when it comes to defining his feelings for you.

“You said the same thing about my last three exes, and they all said similar things about me.” Satoru can’t see either of you from this angle, but he’s certain that you’re opening up your emails right about now. The conversation is coming to a close, and he needs to start focusing on his own tasks, but then you say something interesting, practically baiting him to come out of his office.

“I’ve decided that from this point forward, I am swearing off men.” 

Utahime laughs. “You can’t just swear off all men because of a few bad ones.”

“Not forever.” You clarify. “Just for the time being. All the men I’ve dealt with  in Tokyo suck.”

On paper, all your exes are fantastic catches. There’s the surgeon (who found you to be too independent), the professor (who thought you were too busy to give him the attention he needed), the hedge fund associate (who thought that he liked smart girls, but apparently, not ones smarter than him), and your newest ex, the investment banker. The irony isn’t lost on anyone — an investment banker criticizing someone for being a workaholic obsessed with the prestige of their finance career? If he was going to scramble for an excuse to want to see other people, he should have chosen some other cliche line instead of using the same one someone else must have said to him. 

“What’s this about men in Tokyo?” Satoru strolls up to the divider between you and Utahime, hands in his pockets, pretending that he hasn’t been listening to the entirety of your conversation from the very beginning.

“That all of them suck.” You say, with that unwavering confidence he likes. 

“I’m a man in Tokyo.” He’s grinning.

“Yeah. I stand by what I said.” You’re not even being courteous enough to look at him, still focused on whatever email is on your screen.

His grin only grows wider.

“Maybe all the men you’ve been with are subpar, but I bet I could change your mind.” 

“Is this even appropriate for work?” Utahime interjects. 

“If it’ll make my dear employee Utahime happy, I can grab someone from HR to supervise this conversation.” Satoru says.

“It’s a trap.” You tell her, lips curling up in a smile that lets him know you’re going to say something very mean and probably true about him. “He’s already broken protocol with everyone who works there.” 

“You’re very disrespectful to your boss. Anyone else would have fired you on the spot.” Satoru only pretends to be wounded by your comments, but everyone knows that he’s as good at taking it as he is at dishing it out. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that Satoru owns this firm because he’s not very good at professionalism himself. 

Utahime mutters something under her breath, deciding not to engage further in whatever it is the two of you are doing.

“So, whaddya say? Wanna test out your ‘all men in Tokyo suck’ theory with me?” He knows this teasing won’t go anywhere, even if he wants it to. You’re good at your job, and you’re good at being a professional. Somehow, he doesn’t think you would consider fucking your boss as something very professional. 

“I would, but I have standards.” 

Satoru wants to make a snide comment about all the guys who have dumped you, but he can’t, because it’s already been established that they’re not just decent by regular standards, but stellar. Rich, successful, well educated men who could probably make you cum. 

Well, Satoru is richer, more successful, and more educated than all of them combined, he thinks. And he would gladly make you cum like crazy, if you let him. 

“C’mon, what’s wrong with me?” 

“Promise I won’t get fired if I’m being honest?” You turn your desk chair, looking up at him with mock doe eyes, and the sight shouldn’t be both endearing and hot to him, but it is. 

“Give me your worst.” He tells you, both of you smiling at the challenge. 

“I don’t give anything of myself to a man who can’t even bother to commit to anyone.” 

Of course, you have a point. Satoru’s not known for dating anyone. He takes women out on extravagant dates, yes, but he doesn’t actually practice the act of dating. 

He doesn’t see a point to it. Most people, save for his friends (a bit weird to consider some of his closest companions are actually his employees), see beyond his shiny veneer, and dating would just complicate things. Dating means someone seeing the duller, not-so-great parts of himself.  

“I could commit if it’s you.” 

The way he says it, without that familiar teasing lilt of his, makes you burst out laughing. He really is trying to commit… to the bit, that is. For a moment, Satoru almost tricks you into thinking he’s serious. 

“You are so full of shit, Gojo.”

You’re focused on your work, not the momentary hurt look that disappears from his face as quickly as it came. 

“Don’t be such a pessimist.” He tells you. “I bet I could make you believe in love again.” 

“Who said I didn’t believe in love?” You frown at that. “I just don’t believe that the men in this city are capable of it.” 

“Bonus season is upon us.” Satoru says, suddenly having a bright idea. He’s so rich that his wealth seems to be an extension of himself, and like all other parts of his body and mind, he uses it to his advantage. 

“Ugh, don’t tell me this conversation is going to affect my bonus check. I really will go to HR, then.” 

“I’ll double your bonus pay if you let me court you for three months.”

“Court me?” You’re laughing at him again. He eats it up, savors it, lets it settle on his tongue and warm his insides. 

“If you’re so convinced I’d be horrible and only prove you right, wouldn’t you jump at the chance to make some easy money?” 

He’s trying to bait you into accepting; you know it. You also know that nothing from Gojo comes easy. He makes it entirely too convenient to forget that he’s razor sharp and cutthroat, the things he needs to be in order to remain on top of the finance scene, but he’s always joking, always teasing, that it feels like he almost doesn’t like being taken seriously. 

“Like I said, I don’t deal with men with commitment issues.”

There was a brief moment in time where you considered going out with Gojo. The two of you have always been rotating in the same social circles, way back to your high school and university days. You don’t shame him for having casual sex because Gojo is genuinely sweet when he wants to be, and you know that everyone he’s ever fucked has done so more than willingly, probably too eagerly. They all get broken up over the fact that Gojo never wants to actually enter into a relationship with them, and it’s probably because they chose not to take him seriously. He has a bad habit of spitting out the truth but presenting it like some sort of joke. A guy shouldn’t take you out to a nice dinner and make you cum twice before even thinking about himself if he doesn’t want a girl to fall in love with him. 

For as long as you’ve known Gojo, he’s never dated once. Never a high school sweetheart or a tumultuous college relationship bound for disappointment and a messy breakup. Even now, he doesn’t follow the example of the other men in positions of power like him, who pursue doe-eyed college girls to shower with affection and trap into manipulative relationships. 

He’s cute and funny and would treat you right, but you can’t deal with the embarrassment of having someone only for one night or two, only to have them do the same thing they did with you, just with someone else. It would feel like a mockery. Your pride doesn’t give you room to give in to Gojo’s charm.

“Is that really your only stipulation?” He shrugs, like this is something insignificant, and you’re being so silly. “I’ll stay committed to you for the entire duration of the bet.” 

You narrow your eyes. “You need to keep your dick wet at all times. I’m pretty sure you die if you don’t get off at least once a day.” 

Utahime coughs, but it sounds too much like a laugh. 

“True, but I bet you’d be great at keeping me alive.” 

Oh, he is definitely getting sent to HR.

“So you want me to believe in love, and you’re convinced you can do this by the time bonus season rolls around, which is only three months.” You’re entering business mode, rearranging the facts and coming up with strategies in your head. Satoru never thought that someone thinking could be so attractive, but here he is, and here you are. 

“I’ll agree to participate, but only if you can handle what I consider to be proper courting.”

“What does that consist of?” He’s got you, hook, line, and sinker. There’s nothing Satoru Gojo cannot accomplish. He’s built up his own wildly successful private equity firm, doubling his family’s fortune. He graduated top of his class. He gives every girl he’s ever been with consecutive, mind blowing orgasms using just his tongue and two fingers. There’s nothing you could possibly say that his natural talents and money can’t handle. 

“No sex. No kissing. No touching.” You lean back in your chair, looking far too smug. 

“Done.” 

He doesn’t even have to think about agreeing, but you falter, just for a second. 

“Really?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“It’s not just you saying no to sex with me, but sex in general.” You pause, trying to spot when the realization of the severity of his situation is. When he doesn’t give you a reaction, just still continuing to tilt his head in mild amusement, you continue. “You can’t flirt or take anyone else on a date, and you definitely can’t fuck them, either.” 

“Yes, I’m aware.” 

“You’re going to regret this.” You huff, certain that Gojo is dumber than you thought. He might think this is all fun and games now, but when he’s pent up and unable to get off, you’re certain you’re going to receive a text from him forfeiting the bet altogether. It shouldn’t bother you that he acts like your addition to the bet is easy, because his failure means your pockets get fatter, but it’s no fun playing games when someone isn’t ready to fully play to win.

“Hmm. We’ll see.” He says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Make sure to finish going over all the analysts’ slide decks because I’m taking you out tomorrow night.” 

The timer for the bet starts tomorrow, then.

Satoru thinks it’s cute that you thought you had him there, dangling sex like he’s some barbarian who can’t survive without it. Sure, fucking is fun, and sure, you’re definitely denying yourself of some of the greatest experiences you could have had, but he uses his brain more than his dick. 

If any girl is worth going celibate for, it’d be you.

Sitting in his office, he can’t concentrate on his work. He doesn’t know why it bothers him so much that you think not having access to your body would be enough to turn him away. Either you really do think he’s a sex addict, or the men you’ve been with aren’t as great as they appear to be. It’s probably a mixture of both, but this conclusion doesn’t make him any happier. 

Neither does having Suguru saunter into his office, without knocking. Just walks in, like he owns the place. And with his fifty-percent ownership of the firm, and his last name right next to Gojo’s on the building, he kind of does.

“HR is going to have a field day with you,” his best friend says in exchange for a greeting. Satoru would have preferred a hello.

“HR is in charge of the payroll that I fund,” is Satoru’s retort. 

“Only you would force an employee into a childish bet instead of asking her out like a normal person.”

“Didn’t force her.” Satoru conveniently doesn’t acknowledge the latter half of his statement.

“Didn’t really give her much choice, either.” Suguru smiles. “Shit, even I’d deal with your ass for two hundred grand more.” 

“Well, unfortunately for you, I’m committed to one woman only.” 

“God help her.” And then, after taking a second to think, Suguru continues. “Actually, if He really cared, He wouldn’t have kept leading her to the same places as you.” 

“Maybe I’m her blessing.” 

No one in the office knows why Suguru is laughing so hard behind Gojo’s closed door.

“There’s no way this is legal,” Utahime tells you, taking a sip out of her iced matcha latte before continuing on her half-lecture/half-rant. “Gojo needs to be behind bars.”

A bit dramatic, all things considered. It’s not like Gojo’s comments even make the list for sleazy things male coworkers have said to you before, and you’re not entirely innocent, either. You like to poke and prod at him because it’s fun, and you know that Gojo can take it. 

Utahime does not respect Gojo, but she does like him enough to tolerate him. They’re like brother and sister, so much so that one time, someone made an offhand comment about how they should just fuck to get rid of their antagonism towards each other, and they both threw up because they were so disgusted. 

“It is a bit inappropriate,” Nanami comments, and you know he’s right because when has Nanami ever been wrong?

Granted, Nanami must have been wrong sometime in his life. He started out with a similar background as everyone else working in the firm. He landed an internship and then a return offer in investment banking, despised it, pursued academia, and was halfway done with a PhD program in economics before he decided to come back and work for Gojo and Geto. He doesn’t tell anyone why he came back, and no one is close enough with him to ask and expect an honest answer.

Nanami having lunch with you is a treat because he prefers avoiding everyone in the office, so it almost feels like you’ve won a coveted prize, one to show off whenever you get back to the office. He likes to keep to himself, but even he’s only human. The interest in your little bet with Gojo is harbored by him, too, same as everyone else who’s heard about it. 

You should feel embarrassed about having your life so publicly known, but finance is a small, incestual pool. Everyone working within it knows each other, has fucked each other, and will continue to exclusively hate and love only each other. It’s a bit cultish, if you think about it, so you try not to focus on the social aspects of the job. 

“It’s not like I’m on his team or anything. I technically only handle deals managed by Geto.” You say this in defense of yourself, as if it changes the morality and ethics of the whole bet. It doesn’t, but the attempt doesn’t go unnoticed. 

“Geto and Gojo are essentially two halves of the same whole.” Utahime replies. “Geto just has more public decency training.” 

“You’re telling me that you can see Geto betting someone that he can make her fall in love with him in three months?” 

“No. He’s not as audacious. I like Geto, he’s very cautious.” Nanami looks thoughtful for a second. “He would bet six months, just to be safe.” 

Satoru knows that he’s screwed the moment you’re being introduced as the newest student in his class. School started two weeks ago, so everything’s already been settled. Everything important, that is, so the hottest girl in class has been established, along with who’s going to be relentlessly bullied, and who everyone is going to cheat off of. He has different routes mapped out for getting to class, depending on his mood and who he’s trying to avoid, along with a new secret hiding spot that he’s not going to share with anyone, except for Suguru, and maybe Shoko. 

He likes that he’s already gotten all this shit dealt with so he can spend the rest of the year relaxing, but he’s watching you as you’re standing in front of the class, talking to the teacher and then introducing yourself.

The first thing he notices is that the ugly school uniforms are decidedly not ugly. He comes to this startling conclusion when the boxy, starchy white button-up shirt doesn’t look like cardboard on you, and that the gray wool of your skirt doesn’t wash you out. 

The next thing he notices is that you speak differently than any of the other teenage girls he’s dealt with, save for Utahime and Shoko. Shoko has no issue with speaking her mind, and if Satoru presses enough buttons with enough pressure, he can get Utahime to curse like a sailor. He spaces his aggressions out accordingly, so that way when she does blow up in his face, she does it in the presence of an adult. You introduce yourself confidently; there is nothing shy or meek about you, even though standing in front of a bunch of disinterested teens — your strange new peers for the rest of your high school years — should be anxiety inducing. 

Then, you take the empty seat next to him like it belongs to you, and Satoru is starting to think that maybe it does, that maybe it always has. 

(Well, Suguru is sick today, that’s why the seat was available.)

Anyway, all of his carefully laid out plans are now tossed out the window. He needs to figure out what route you take to get around, and what the rest of your class schedule looks like, and maybe it’s just him, but the former hottest girl in school has now been demoted to second-best. 

He feels a shift in the air, like the universe is trying to signal major change in his life, and rather than run away from it, Satoru settles into his seat, noticing how you’re not even giving him the time of day. 

There’s an unfamiliar feeling rising inside of him; something that says you’re going to constantly knock him off-balance and—

—he kinda likes it.

[wish-i-knew-what-i-am-doing]

4. Garden

The very first time Lena had mentioned it, it was to tell Kara she couldn’t go with her to the farmer’s market the following Saturday.

"I’m sorry darling, I-I have to tend to my garden". Curiosity picked, Kara ignored the hesitation and the pet name and went directly to the questions burning on her tongue. "You have a garden?", "Since when do you have a garden?", "Why haven’t you mentioned it before?", "I feel like as your best friend, I should have know about that".

Lena chuckled at the now pouting blonde.

"I’ve had it for several years and only a handful of people know about it. And you know the old adage, it’s good to keep some kind of mystery. Secret garden and all that." She winked at the double entendre.

"But don’t worry, maybe I’ll show it to you one day, if you play your cards right", Lena added, eyes sparkling with mirth and cheeks slightly rosier than before.

She then left it at that, not offering any more details.

Over the following days, Kara tried to broach the subject again but Lena didn’t seem too willing to share this part of herself and remained evasive. So Kara decided to drop it for now even if, deep inside, she was dying to know more.

The next time the enigmatic garden was brought up again was entirely by accident. Kara had been thinking about it. A lot. But she was being a good friend to Lena and respected her privacy, so she had buttoned her lips.

Until one morning, a bit distracted, she entered Lena’s office and noticed a simple yet elegant flower arrangement on her desk. "Oh, those are beautiful! Are they from your garden?" She asked before realising she mentioned the forbidden topic.

"Sorry, I didn’t mean -"

Lena chuckled lightly. "It’s okay, Kara", she interrupted the blonde before she could launch herself into a ramble. "And no, those are not from my garden. But I do have roses and daisies in parts of it". She said as she gently touched the petal of one of the flower in question.

Time went by and as busy as they all were, the matter slipped out of Kara’s focus. It was still resurfacing every now and then, in passing, but Kara never got any additional information about it and it didn’t bothered all that much anymore.

More time went by and the pair found themselves growing closer to each other, slowly pushing the boundaries of their friendship.

Until finally, after a lot of flirting (from Lena’s side) and a lot of blushing (from Kara’s side), the blonde finally put her big girl pants on and asked her best friend out on a date.

One date turned into two and soon the two women were exploring the new aspects the romance brought to their relationship.

On the morning after their first night together, Kara woke up fully rested, delightfully sated and entirely happy. A blinding smile spreading across her face.

It must have still been early, as the light was just beginning to shine through her windows. Lena was still asleep beside her, resting on her own belly. Kara raised her head slightly to get a better look at the (very naked) sleeping beauty lying next to her.

She noticed some dark marks on the brunette’s back. Propping herself on her elbow, Kara was then greeted with the view of an almost full back tattoo.

How had she not noticed that the night before? was Kara’s first question. She decided to blame it on eagerness and the sweet taste of Lena’s lips.

She brought up a hand to delicately trace the ink, making Lena stir. Only then did she picked up on the drawings themselves: dozens and dozens of flowers, of various shapes and sizes.

It took her a second, but then it finally clicked.

"The secret garden!", Kara gasped loudly.

That fully roused Lena, who turned around, laughing gleefully.

"I did tell you I would show it to you were you to play your cards right." She said, making Kara blush. "And I guess you have" she continued before raising a hand to bring Kara down in a heated kiss.

[concretecultist]

Sunshine (muscle memory pt. 2)

summary: "true love never leaves, sometimes it just gets lost temporarily. lost in pride and ego, lost in confusion and misunderstanding. but love being lost is never the end; sometimes love needs to breathe before it finds home again."

word count: 17.6k

pairing: reader x noah sebastian

warnings: angst, talks of mental health, feelings of guilt, mentions of marijuana usage, crying, dad!noah, FLUFF

THIS IS PURE FICTION AND IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!!!

A/N: yeah so idk how to write short stories really 😭 so this is a long one!! Please make sure to comment and reblog as it helps us writers out immensely!! Much love!

~Berry🫐

“You’re so full of shit!,”

Matt had come back into town, rushing to tell Noah and the guys what had happened while he was out. Noah, Nicholas and Jolly were playing a video game on the big screen when Matt rushed in, Folio nodding in and out of sleep with a bag of chips in his hands after facing a whole blunt by himself.

“Bro, I know what I fucking saw,” Matt was seething, does Noah really think he would lie about something like this? “This wasn’t some Y/N doppelgänger, it was Y/N and she had a baby, a little girl.. who looks just like you might I add. It’s weird!,”

Noah felt like his stomach fell out of his ass. Matt has to be bullshitting. Maybe you were babysitting? There’s no way you had a baby. There’s no way he had a baby.

“It’s hard to tell who babies look like when they’re still that young. Maybe the guy who told you to go away was her new boyfriend,” Jolly tried to justify.

Matt frowned at Jolly’s disposition. Everyone in this room knew you like the palm of their hands. It took you a while to open up to Noah and become his girlfriend and even longer to open up to them to consider them playfully-annoying brothers.

“She’s not like that,” Nicholas clicked away at his controller, brows furrowing as he soaks in the conversation.

Matt clapped his hands and pointed to Nicholas as if to say that the point he made was based, and it was.

Nicholas continued speaking while keeping his eyes trained on the screen, absolutely obliterating the characters within the game, “I mean think about it. If what Matt is saying is true-,”

“And it is!,” Matt interjected but all Nicholas did was roll his eyes and continue speaking,

“-Then the time between Noah and Y/N breaking up versus now, would not be enough time for her to get pregnant by someone else,”

“One night stand after they broke up?,” Folio answered absentmindedly.

“You know damn well that’s not how Y/N is,” Matt just wanted to pull his hair out, “If you saw that baby then you guys would see I’m not lying,”

Noah felt like he might be sick. Even if you two broke up, you would tell him that you were pregnant… right?

But then again, the last few months of your relationship, he wasn’t there, emotionally nor physically so he can’t blame you if you didn’t. It doesn’t hurt any less though and he doesn’t know what to believe.

“Where the hell did you even see her? I figured she jumped ship,” Noah shrugged, “And even if this is the case, Matt. She blocked all of us on… o-on everything so how do you expect me to go about this?,”

The silence from the blond was enough of an answer for Noah but Matt’s silence didn’t mean he didn’t have one.

“Why are you so adamant on denying this?,”

“I’m not!,” Noah let his character go idle long enough for Nicholas to say fuck it and actually pause the entire game, “I just don’t know what to do! I mean, if she acted like she didn’t want to see you then what makes you think she’ll want to see me?,”

The guys knew Noah had a point, but he should still try.

“It’s Sunday. Every other Sunday she goes to the markets and you should know that because you would always be at the studio with Jolly so she would take me with her,” Matt stood there with his arms crossed, he watched the gears turn in Noah’s head but he knew the brunet still wasn’t getting it.

“Okay?,” Noah was stumped.

“Which means she still has her routines, dork!,” he tapped his fingers to his temple as if to tell Noah to ‘fucking think’

“Meaning on Wednesday, she’ll be at the actual grocery store getting what she couldn’t at the market,” Nicholas answered for Matt.

“Are we sure any of this is a good idea?,” Jolly probed, “If you guys ended mutually then one, why would she not tell you, two, why would she block all of us, and three, why would she act like that when seeing Matt?,”

Jolly, Matt and Nicholas had their suspicions about the breakup. Noah had told them it was pretty cut and dry but they could never get your side as you pretty much went off the grid.

“I don’t know!,” Noah held his hands up in frustration, “I don’t know why you guys are acting like I’m not blindsided here,”

“There’s only one grocery store within the town I saw her near. Don’t be on any stalker shit but I’ll bet you my fucking mixing equipment she’ll be there on a Wednesday at 4:45 before the after work rush comes,” Matt refuted.

It felt strange to Noah that all of his friends seemed to read you like a book, but when he thinks about you, you seem like a mystery. Maybe it’s because you had no choice but to become one after a while. It’s his fault you closed yourself off. You tried until you couldn’t yet Noah made your efforts seem pointless. Noah had neglected you, he became a stranger who wasn’t involved in your routines anymore and he’s had more than enough time to realize that after you left.

When you left it felt like his world had stopped. How did he fuck up so bad? Letting the voices in his head get to him, pushing you away with the idea that you’ll someday be with someone who deserves you. The demons in his head convinced him that he wasn’t that someone.

He let the weight of the world crush him. He let the brain fog cloud his vision, his judgment and now here he is, doing his best to get better. Now has the news that he may or may not be a father. He’s spooked by the idea. If he couldn’t be a good partner how does he expect you to let him in for a chance to be a good father… if he can find you that is? He’s petrified.

Except he knows damn well it doesn’t outweigh the panic you felt when he pushed you away, forcing you to go through it all alone.

It had been about two and a half weeks or so since your run in with Matt and it has done nothing but prompted you to stay inside more than you already have been. Reid agreed to drop off your needed items and even stuck around to help around the house. He’s even brought Ms. Ernie by as she’s missed you.

You wanted to get out though. You missed going on walks around the woods, missed stepping foot on the outskirts of the city. You couldn’t hide away forever and you really couldn’t do that to Noelle, she needed to see the outside world.

That’s how you found yourself in the supermarket in town with Ms. Ernie as she asked you what you wanted for dinner.

“I think some mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli will be good sides,” you suggested.

“Want gravy?,”

“No, I’m more of a butter and pepper kinda gal,” you lightly nudged her, patting Noelle’s bottom as she laid quietly in her baby wrap against your chest.

“You kids don’t appreciate good gravy anymore,” she playfully rolled her eyes.

This is something you really needed. Was this a friendship you expected to have? Absolutely not, still it helps you feel normal. You share your eggs from your chickens and she makes you milk and yogurt, she always invites you over for Wednesday dinner, you invite her over for a nice cool lunch while she’s on break from the truck.

“What do we want for dessert?,” you ask, looking at the array of fresh baked goods.

“Pick whatever you want, sweetie. I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go look at the teas, I’m running low and I think they’re on sale!” she waved, taking the cart to go get her favorite brand of iced tea.

“What are we feeling, Sunshine?,” you lightly bounce, her hand reaching up to feel your cheek, “Do we want carrot cake, red velvet? Ouuu that caramel crumble apple pie sounds gooooood,”

You look at her, heart swelling while she just squeals and smiles at you. You never expected yourself to be a parent, a single parent at that- but smiling down at this face, with the cutest, chubbiest cheeks and big, animated eyes, you wouldn’t trade this for anything.

“I know, I think we should get all of them too,” you rub your nose against hers just to hear her babble again. You would never get tired of that sound, it became your favorite song.

“But!-” you open the cooler door and begin reaching, “-Mama is really craving the red velvet,”

Unfortunately for you though, it was on the top shelf and you just weren’t tall enough. You hear yourself grunt as you reach and honestly it’s rather embarrassing. You try again and see no one nearby to ask for help and you feel defeated. All you wanted was a nice piece of cake. Deciding to give up, you slap your hand down against your thigh and look to Noelle to pout at her, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be”

While you were looking at her, you were in your own world. Everything just seemed to stop when you peered into those eyes. Noelle nuzzled her cheek against the back of your finger as you caressed it. All you wanted was a nice dinner followed by eating cake while she slept on your chest, a nice night with you and Ms. Ernie competing against each other while watching a game show.

You were so caught up in adoring your daughter that you didn’t see the large hand that reached over your head to grab the cake you desired.

“Here you go,” a hopeful drone made its way into your ears.

You were so set on having a good night except when you looked up, your smile immediately fell and you were frozen. Your eyes seemed to deceive you because there was no way this was real. You had to be dreaming. There’s no way he’s standing in front of you.

Your body betrayed you. Everyone speaks of fight or flight and a part of you always believed that if you were in a situation where you had to choose, that you’d choose flight, not being the fighting type and opting to always run and hide. But… Now that you’re in a situation like this, there’s a third option many don’t acknowledge.

Freeze.

There’s fight.

There’s flight..

and then there’s freeze…

And you froze.

Your mind and body let you down. Your feet should be carrying your body as far away from his as possible but you just can’t move. You’re trying but they won’t budge.

That smile he shines isn’t helping either. It's an expression you want to wipe off his face but for some reason you can’t help but continue to stare because it’s a smile that you never expected to see again. It clicks that your mind is betraying you again because why are you finding comfort in it?

His eyes were tired but still so beautiful. You notice they hold hope as well as hesitation.

“You always did like red velvet,” he snickered but you didn’t find anything funny. What kind of sick joke is this?

“Get away from me,” you whisper. It sounded more confident in your head, you didn’t want to sound weak. Another bodily betrayal.

“I’m not here to scare you or hurt you. I just want to talk,” he caught a glimpse of the gorgeous baby in your wrap and his breath was taken away.

Matt was right and not just about the baby. But your routines. You never strayed far from your habits, so to see you walking in the store with your baby to your chest made this much more real than Noah could process at once. The poor guy doesn’t know if he’s relieved or scared shitless.

“There’s nothing to talk about. She’s not even yours,” your eyes flit as the tears fall down your cheeks. It felt like you were suffocating now. You know Matt spilled and really, you couldn’t blame him because if you were in Noah’s position, you’d want to be told as well. But then again.. you wouldn’t be in this position if you were him because you would’ve tried to save your relationship.

Being found so easily wasn’t something you planned and now you’re battling the feelings of wanting to slap him or run in his arms because while he hurt you- Noah was it for you. He was endgame. Seeing him stirred all these feelings inside that were now giving you vertigo, causing your stomach to swirl and a lump to form in your throat.

“Y/N, she looks just like me. There’s a lot to talk about,”

He tried to get another glimpse but you shielded her in the wrap. No, no way in hell. Taking a giant step back, you hold her closer, “I won’t let you take her away from me. She’s all I have, Noah. I won’t let you,”

Noah took a step forward and could only brandish defeat when you took yet another step back.

“I’m not trying to take her from you,” Noah knows he has no right to be offended. Like, let’s think- you two broke up and his best friend bumped into you, now Noah knows about his child and he found you in a random supermarket after you fought tooth and nail to stay away from him. It would make sense why you think he’d take her from you, but that’s far from what Noah wants. It’s a long shot but he wants to make this right.

Noah understands that he fucked up in the past but he wouldn’t do that to you, “That’s why I want to talk. I want a chance to be there,”

A scoff from you echoes in the empty aisle. How rich.

“You weren’t even there for me and you expect me to believe you’ll be there for her?,” You grit through your teeth, “She is too precious to be let down by you, Noah. Do it to me all you want but not when it comes to my daughter,”

A frown etched its way onto Noah’s face, waving his hands as if to say ‘wait, hold up’. He knows he hasn’t been there but he’s not about to be some deadbeat.

“Our… daughter,” he corrected, “You didn’t even give me a chance to know so I could be there,”

“You’ve got some fucking nerve!,” your voice had gone shrill and you were thankful that there was little to no people in the store. You wished he would have approached you outside, then you really wouldn’t have to worry about keeping your voice down.

“ ‘Our’ daughter, Noah? Really?! If you weren’t there before I was pregnant-,”

“I told you I just needed time,” he interjected, still holding onto that sentiment.

“I gave you four years!,” you spat, “Four years of me, Noah. I gave you four years to learn how to love me. To learn how to communicate even up until the end,”

Who knows how much time he would have needed. Who knows if he’d have even gotten his shit together by the time you found out you were with child and gave birth. Having Noelle now, you know for certain you couldn’t have just sat with idle hands.

“Y/N please,” he begged, still holding the cake in his hands, “I love you and I fucked up. It’s been killing me since the day you left and how I never had to chance to make it right, then Matt told me-”

“Matt is wrong. Matt doesn’t know what he’s talking about!,” you really weren’t trying to make a scene here and you were still trying to convince Noah that Noelle wasn’t his.

“She has my eyes, Y/N. She’s a perfect mix of you and me. Please, just, can we talk about this over coffee. I know you don’t owe me anything but can we meet for lunch or something?,”

Before you could answer with a fat ass denial, Ms. Ernie is coming up with her noisy cart, scooting along with a small frown on her face.

“They done moved my tea, I had to ask for help,” she frowned. She was never the type to like asking for help in stores, she liked it when things were easy to find.

She moves to stand beside you, waiting for your response but then she notices the look of shock you’re wearing and meets Noah’s eyes. It took her a second before she gawked, looking to Noelle and back to Noah.

“That’s that baby’s daddy!,” she looks over her glasses and you loudly sigh at her statement. She didn’t always read the room well.

“Ms. Ernie!,”

“Sorry, honey but it’s undeniable,” she shrugs, looking back to Noah, “You gonna put that cake in my cart or just stand there looking pretty,”

Noah stammered before rushing to set the cake down in the cart and turning to you. Words seem to catch in his throat, not exactly sure what to say.

“I know you blocked us all on everything so just… reach out when you’re ready. I really would like to talk about all of this,”

“I gotta go” Looking to Ms. Ernie so that she would get the hint to start walking. You knew you were in for a long night of her lectures, no matter how insightful they always were, you weren’t ready.

You had a feeling for how the night would go now. This feeling had your stomach queasy as if you’re on a boat, feeling the waves rock you to and fro. It was hard to face the music but she was going to make you. That’s just how Ms. Ernie was, you just weren’t ready for her to be right about it all.

“Give him a chance, sweetie,”

Noelle was fast asleep while you leaned on Ms. Ernie’s shoulder, eating your cake and watching Wheel of Fortune. You wanted your night to go just like this but it wasn’t enjoyable, not with all that was plaguing your mind.

“I can’t let him back in,” you think about it, recalling how bad it hurt you the first time around, “Now that Noey is involved, I can’t let my guard down. I’m a mom now, I have to protect her,”

“I’m not saying throw your whole hand in,” she sipped her tea, “Have a drink with him. I can call Reid to help me with our cute lil plum,”

It wasn’t a secret to how badly you were emotionally wounded when you and Noah parted ways, but it also wasn’t a secret to Ms. Ernie just how bad you love him. From the day you met her, she claimed you and Noah would find your way back to each other. You always told her it was a fat chance. Even now, your heart was playing tug of war.

Do you stay away? Leaving him to wallow in his bad decisions? or do you lean into the possibility of mending things?

“I never stopped loving him, that’s why I’m scared,” you sit up to look at her, she looked so noble when looking at you over her glasses like that, “I watched him love me less and less until our love just became an empty shell. I watched him pick his job over me and I can’t put her through that,”

Ms. Ernie reached over to wipe your tears when she caught sight of your trembling chin. It was comforting, like a grandma tending to her grandchild while they experienced a melancholic mood.

“Take it slow. Take time to get to know the new him and he can take the time to get to know the new you,”

“Does he deserve that though?,”

“Mmm,” she shrugged, “Sometimes a lot of good can come out of a second chance. What if you and him were meant to part ways, only so you two could find each other again?”

“Love shouldn’t come to that, no?,” a twinge of confusion worming its way into your tone

“Oh honey. You’ve got a lot to learn about love,” she lightly swatted your leg, “No amount of time and space can separate you from those that are meant to be in your life. This is a second chance to create a new story,”

You called it. You knew she was gonna get all philosophical on you and be right about all of this.

“Don’t rush into it but…” she sighed, “Give it a shot,”

You don’t even know if you were strong enough to lift the metaphorical gun to give it a shot. Pondering her words each bite at a time while you finish your treat, how do you go about this without immediately falling in love with him again? He was so easy to love even when you didn’t want to, even in his faults. One look at him and it felt like the first day you met him.

You were standing at the bus stop one day, sighing at having to take public transportation as your anxiety has been in overdrive since your car was in the shop. Public transportation meant a lot of people in close quarters and you just couldn’t handle that right now.

In the midst of your mind being in a flurry, a group of rowdy men are approaching. You’re too caught up in trying to reduce your apprehension to notice them getting closer until a nameless man bumps into you, knocking your token out of your hand.

Watching it fly from your hand, floating in mid air, all you can do is try to catch it but it just wasn’t your day. Your token falls down the street drain and your gasp causes the rowdy group to stop.

“No! No, no, no, no noooo!,” you fall to your knees and look down the drain to see the token shining up from the bottom. It was mocking you.

“Dang it!,” your head falls in your hands, wallowing in embarrassment. The token station was 9 blocks away, there was no way you’d make it there and back in time. Of course the transit app wasn’t working on your phone either, you’d been telling yourself to get a new phone carrier for months now, now look at you.

“I’m… so sorry!,”

Removing your head from your hands, your eyes move in the direction in which the voice came. Your breath is instantly taken away once again but for a whole other reason.

“I can pay for another token,” he offers, helping you up, his large hands grasping your biceps to get you up right.

“No it’s okay I can-,”

“Please. It’s the least I can do,” the tall brunet insisted. Your words are caught in your throat, eyes trying to drink in his beauty before he becomes only a memory.

“Nice going, Noah!,” a tall blond wearing a hat pushes him.

“Watch where you’re going, asshole,” another chuckled, he was also decked out in tattoos, gorgeous black hair and glittering eyes.

But your eyes were on the inked man in front of you, the one who made your day even more of a rollercoaster than it already has been. While his friends make fun of him, your eyes are tracing over his tattoos, you’d never seen so many on one body in person before.

“Is… is that a Garden of Eden reference?,” you point to his neck.

He touches his throat and chuckles, a noise that you weren’t aware would change your life.

“Yeah, yeah it is,”

“It’s nice,” you mutter, afraid to speak above a certain octave. You don’t talk to people much, you were only a lonely librarian who went to work, staying in the basement all day to organize books and then go home.

“Thanks…?” he trails off but points to you ask if to ask you a question

“Y/N,” you spill out, “M-my name is Y/N,” you anxiously stick out your hand for him to take and shake, “I think he just called you Noah?,”

“Yeah that’s me,” his smile… my God his smile was hypnotizing. His smile could cure all sadness

“You owe me a bus pass,” you point out, “A-and… and I can pay you back over a cup of tea and some fresh scones at my favorite bakery downtown,”

Your confidence not only caught him off guard, but you as well. You’d never suggest something like that to someone and now you’re overthinking the fact that you’ve made such a fool of yourself.

“Sorry that was… that was abrasive and demanding. That was so rude. Y-you were just being nice and I just… you’re just so pretty and oh my God… Y/N shut up-,”

“Hey,” he softly talked over you, wanting to calm you down without scaring you.

“We’ll stick around until the bus comes so I can pay for your pass and we can trade numbers to set up a date for those scones,”

A date… a DATE?! You’ve only ever been on a handful of dates before and they all went terribly. Surely he didn’t mean like… a date-date, right? Like, you’re sure he just meant a little meetup so you could actually pay him back.

“O-okay!,” wide eyed, you nod your head and look around to his friends that are smiling and laughing and you don’t know if they’re laughing at you. It’s okay if they are, you’re used to it.

“Don’t mind them. They’re assholes,”

“We are not!,” a shorter man punches his arm, “I’m Nick by the way, but you can call me Folio. That’s Jolly, Nicholas, Matt, Davis and Bryan!,”

You nod to them all, making a note of their names.

“Y/N,” you sputter, “I’m Y/N,”

“We heard,” Jolly smiled.

“Right,” you give a bashful smile and turn from them to sit on the bench, “The buses are running 20 minutes late today so you really don’t have to wait,” you set your book in your lap.

“I insist. If these jerks are in a rush, they can go without me,” Noah throws a hand back at them. He’s not surprised that that’s exactly what they did.

They left Noah there, giving you two the chance to talk about the most random things, like your favorite book genres to read, things on your bucket list, aliens, paranormal shit. Just fun things. This is the most you’ve talked to any stranger you’ve ever met, you don’t even talk to your co workers like this.

Noah let you yap about your interests, he admired the way you animated your speech with your hands. He was absolutely enamored with the way you bounced in your seat when he brought up a topic that excited you and he made a mental bookmark so he could memorize the way your eyes close when you laugh.

Noah didn’t believe in love at first sight but this felt like it.

While discussing your favorite twilight characters, the noise of the approaching bus pulled you from your conversation, Noah can see how your face dropped. Your conversation went by too quickly.

“We can have more conversations like this,” Noah shows you his screen, displaying his number and you curse to yourself, knowing he can see you shaking while you hurry to type it into your phone. Your heart was beating out of your chest, he is so sweet and so fricken cute and his tattoos are so cool and he just sat here to talk to YOU?! No one ever just talks to you.

He’s even nice enough to help you onto the bus and get you seated before saying his saddened farewells to leave you. His demeanor gave off reluctance and you felt like you were in a rom-com when he stood outside the bus, waving as it began rolling away.

Your face was hotter than hell, there’s no way any of that just happened. Your phone felt heavy in your hands, demanding to be opened. Gnawing at your lip, your fingers dance on your screen, trying to figure out what to say.

You went with a simple text, something quirky. Something that you hope he’ll answer to and not ghost you after the way you opened up to him so easily.

“So… about those scones?”

All those memories flood back and you can feel the dampness of your face. Where did that Noah go?

How did your once grey world that become so colorful so quickly with his presence, fade into grey once more with his absence in the blink of an eye?

What happened to him that he became so detached? What was lying beneath the surface that he let fester until he let it impact your relationship?

You feel Ms. Ernie takes the plate away from you and rests her hand on your cheek, pulling you out of the pit you were digging with your overactive questioning.

“I got the spare bedroom ready for ya, go get some rest,”

Taking her advice, Noelle snuggled into you as you carried her to the spare room where Ms. Ernie had set up a spare bassinet. You had tucked her in, making sure she was safe and secure before plopping down on the bed with a large sigh, heels of your palms pressing into your eyes to subdue your flowing tears. Now that you were alone, the weight of everything came down.

Tired of feeling so scatterbrained, you grabbed your phone, tapping away at the screen to have your thumb hovering over his name. Was this a good idea? Do you give in this easily? Would this be healthy for your mental state right now? Maybe Matt was right, this wasn’t about you, this was about Noelle, she deserved her dad, right?

But what about protecting her? You didn’t want to introduce him into her life just for him to turn around and jump ship when things got too hard.

Here goes the vicious cycle of overthinking and all the possibilities that made themselves known with the heaviness, giving you no other choice but to feel it filling up your chest. How soon did you want to do this? Did you even want to do this at all?

You’ve been blaming yourself since that day at the market. Had you gone earlier like you always do, you wouldn’t have bumped into Matt, or if you had paid attention, you could have avoided him. There were so many outcomes the universe shuffled in its hand and yet the card you were dealt was the situation you were facing right now.

Finally having enough of your own inner dialogue, a deep breath escapes you when clicking on his contact, closing your eyes when hitting Unblock Caller

Just like the day you met him, you’re faced with the challenge of what to say, except this time there was nothing cute or quirky to say. It was simple and serious.

Tomorrow 12pm at the bakery downtown.

That’s all you could come up with before pressing send. It’s almost like he was waiting by his phone, waiting for you to reach out and it makes you kick yourself. What if this is a set up and you’re falling into his plan.

Wait, no.

Noah has messed up but, He wouldn’t do that… would he? He wouldn’t hurt you any further. You hope you’re right because now this is happening.

I’ll be there.

Sleep fought you all night. In and out of sleep to either tend to Noelle or simply because your mind wouldn’t power down for the night. When you were finally able to get some shut-eye, it was like it was already time for the sun to rise.

Ms. Ernie had breakfast ready for you after you fed Noelle, scooting around her quaint kitchen humming the tune of a classic she grew up listening to. Your nerves were bad as you thought of the day ahead.

“So, what are your plans today?,” she questions.

Slowly chewing your food, your eyes avert down to the table. Why do you feel so embarrassed to admit that you’re meeting him today despite her calling it?

“I uhm, I was going to ask if-,”

“Yes. Reid is already on his way,” the elderly woman delivered a smug expression, she’s been on Earth long enough to know how young love works.

You chuckle at her and shake your head, “You don’t even know what I was going to ask,”

“Baby, I can read you like a book. You’re gonna go see him. I could tell before you went to bed last night. We’ve spent enough time together for me to know you’re not over him,”

Knowing this fact made you feel an ounce of shame. You should be over him. He showed his ass last year yet you’re not sure if the alarm bells that are going off in your head are due to actual warning or if they’re sounding off because you can’t seem to do anything other than overthink. It’s a terrible habit and an even more terrible predicament to be in.

“Am I jumping into this?,” you rub Noelle’s back absentmindedly, enjoying the weight of her in your arms to ground you. Maybe you should have given it a couple days. Did it seem desperate to message him so soon? You were supposed to hate his guts

“It was going to have to happen at some point, dear,” she shrugs while cleaning the kitchen, “You’ve left some bricks of milk in the freezer, you’ve left some spare bottles, diapers, all that. With Reid here to help me she’s in good hands times 2,”

Almost as if she had summoned him, Reid knocks and enters through her front door, a bright smile on his face that you’ve come to learn really helps calm you down. You were thankful for the connections you’ve made since being on your own.

These people were your village and you were in good hands, meaning Noelle was too.

“Gooooooood morning!!,” he claps, hugging Ms. Ernie before moving to you to steal a piece of bacon off your plate. Reid hugs you as well, taking Noelle from your arms.

“I can’t forget you, sunshine!,” he holds her up in the air and she screams in excitement, dropping her head on his chest when he pulls her in.

Ms. Ernie could tell your nerves were getting the best of you, it’s happened enough times to know that spaced out look on your eyes.

“Finish eating and get ready. You can take my car,” she scoots around the kitchen to set her keys on the counter.

“I can call an Uber” not wanting to impose

“Nonsense!,” she waves her hand with a frown, “Your car is back at the cabin, my car doesn’t get much use cause I always take my truck. It’s not a problem,”

Reid sits beside you and rubs your back as a means of comfort, it’s written all over your face that you’re distraught, you never did master your poker face.

“Hey, you got this,”

You drop your head on the table and can feel the tears welling once more.

“Am I stupid for letting him in so easily?,” the familiar knot was forming in your throat, warning that tears would soon begin to fall if you didn’t pull yourself together, “He literally told me he didn’t love me like he used to, then last night says he never stopped. It’s hurting my head. I went about year without him and now I’m going to meet him and I’m terrified,”

“Y/N,” Reid began, “How do eat an elephant?,”

You turn to him and frown at his question. But this is Reid, you know he’s about to say something corny.

“How?,”

“One bite at a time,” he comforts, “It’s okay to feel nervous. It’s okay to overthink all of this and it’s okay to think about the cons. But what if this turns into something good?,”

“It was supposed to be something good the first time,” you hiccup. It’s just tearing you apart all over again to think about what could have been if he’d tried harder back then. You could have been a happy family instead of going through this.

“But then I guess I wouldn’t have met you guys,”

“Exactly. Everything happens for a reason,” Ms. Ernie interjects, “But if you get back with him, you better not forget us,”

Her words were jaw dropping, you know she was saying it as a joke but there was a twinge of truth in them. You all have gotten so close and it would crush her if you left and never looked back.

“I would never dream of it,”

You arrived at the bakery an hour early. Your thoughts wouldn’t slow down unless you did and your nerves were on fire the closer it got.

Maybe this was a bad idea. No… this definitely was a bad idea, right? This bakery brought so many memories. What kind of self torture is it to recommend meeting at the place you two had your first date?

It’s 12 now and he’s still not here. Your chest starts to ache and you don’t know if stress is the cause or if it’s because you knew this was too good to be true.

The reality of having a baby scared him off. He wasn’t ready to be a parent. He’s a big shot rock star, sitting here with the realization made it click that he’s not ready to give that up. He loved his job too much.

It was now 12:06 and there was still no sign of him. You weren’t going to text him, he shouldn’t need a reminder, especially because he never followed up today.

Exhaling mournfully, you gather your belongings, standing up to leave when you hear the bell to the front door and heavy, pattering feet-

“I’m here!!,” panting, hands on his knees as he gets to the table, “I’m here! Accident blocked off the highway- had to take a detour- sped here, no parking. Had to park 2 blocks away so I ran,” he slid into the booth, running a hand through his hair to calm down.

His face was cherry red, chest rising and falling quickly, he looked beat. You don’t say a word, you just slip him your water and he whispers his gratitude just as he chugs it, taking a napkin to wipe his mouth.

“I don’t have her here with me,” a monotonous tone leaves you.

He nods, taking a second to compose himself, trying to get his heart rate down so that he could have a calm conversation.

“I expected that,” leaning back in his seat, his eyes settle in on you and you start to feel self conscious, “You’re still as beautiful as the day I met you,”

“Noah,”

“No, I know I fucked up, Y/N. Trust me, no one knows more than me,” he leans his elbows on the table, dipping his head to catch your eyes that way you can see he was being honest, “I’ve kicked myself in the ass ever since then,”

“I can’t just let you back in, Noah,”

“And I don’t expect you to,” his hand comes to his lips, pressing on them as he thinks, “Everyday I thought about you and what I could have done better. I have therapy now, I learned better coping mechanisms. I know that’s something I should have done before I got that bad, but I didn’t just do it for you I did it for me because I wasn’t treating myself the nicest either,”

Maybe you should have taken a page out of his book and gotten help, but with being a single parent, you didn’t really have time for that.

“I loved you and I still do. You said that you probably weren’t the one for me but you’ve got it so wrong,”

His words reverberate off the walls of your ear canal. This is why all of this is confusing. If he was going through something mentally, why wasn’t he honest instead of shattering you to pieces?

“You’re just saying that because there’s a baby in the picture,” you accuse.

“Ask Matt… ask Nicholas even. This has been going on since the day you left. Finding out about our daughter only solidified it even more that I want a life with you,”

There’s no way this is genuine.

“Noah, I can’t just trust y-,”

“I know. You set the pace, I will respect that,”

There.

Those words started to chip away at the walls that you’d built up. They must not have been very thick, or very strong. Or maybe Noah just had that ability.

“Do you… can I see pictures of her at least?,” He asks as if he’s nervous almost, “I get it if you don’t want to I just-,”

A part of you wanted to tell him no. You didn’t want to reveal her to him just yet. He should work a little harder to prove that he’s legitimate in his stance. A few words shouldn’t grant him this opportunity. Nevertheless, your iced out attitude began melting at his expression, showing him a couple pictures wouldn’t hurt.

“No I can,” you open your phone to your camera roll, having a whole album of her. You’ve taken pictures of her since the day you had her. She’s a beautiful baby and you suppose he could see pictures of his own child, he’s missed out on enough, hasn’t he?

“This is when she was born. I did a water birth,” you show him a picture of you holding her, umbilical cord still attached, “My medical staff was great,”

Then you slid through the album showing him other pictures absolutely adoring your daughter and how cute she is

“This is the first time she smiled at me,” you look at him and you can see the sparkle in his eyes as he stares at the screen. There was a gentle smile on his lips, registering in his mind that this little human was a piece of him.

“She’s a sweet baby. Doesn’t really cry, she’s a squealer when she laughs,”

You play videos of her giggling and babbling and he is instantly in love, seeing this look on his face stirs a guilt inside of you that you never felt before. Maybe he should have known. Things could have been resolved by now had you not been selfish.

But there’s that nagging little voice telling you that you deserved to be selfish at least once in your life. It felt like your mind was in a blender.

“What’s her name?,” he looks to you hopefully. Were you ready to give him that information? It’s silly but the more he knows, the easier it will be for him to tear down the walls you built around yourself. It’ll make it easier for him to weasel his way into the picture again and you weren’t sure yet if you wanted to keep this a co-parenting arrangement or what.

“You don’t have to tell me right now,” he sees the hesitation on your face.

“Noelle,” you answer softly, “Her name is Noelle. I named her after you. But we also call her Sunshine, Plum or Noey, that one’s new,”

He broke out in the brightest smile you’d ever seen. You missed that smile, those beautiful lips framing his beautiful teeth. It was a smile that once brought you peace that is now bringing confusion.

“That’s…,” he gives a breathy chuckle, using his fingers to press into his eyes to keep the tears at bay, “That’s lovely,”

“Yeah, look at who her mom is,” you flip your hair as a joke and suddenly the tension isn’t as heavy. You’re supposed to be icy right now but the hopeless romantic within you is fighting the broken-hearted girl. One could only guess who is winning.

“Yeah, exactly,” Noah is seen getting nervous as the conversation progresses, he doesn’t know what questions are off limits, “So what are you up to these days? You’re not at the library anymore,”

“You looked for me at the library?,” you frown. You left that place a long time ago.

“I sat out on the bench everyday for at least three months before we had to leave for tour,”

Why couldn’t he give you that energy before? Where he used to meet you outside on the bench after you got off, sometimes with a bouquet of your favorite flowers, and sometimes with your favorite take out and you’d have little date nights on the library bench. Why did that flame have to die?

Was life about to present you with new, better tools? Improved ways to bring it back? To make it a raging forest fire that can’t be put out? A lover like you can only hope.

“I work from home. With finding out about Noelle I needed something relaxed, I’m still in the field of library science. I work as an analyst,”

His eyebrows perked up, just like the first time you two ever met when you told him what you did for a living. His interest now was a big 180 from last year.

“Y/N that’s.. that’s amazing,” he leans forward, prompting you to talk about it more. You go on and on about your job, about how cool it is to you and he sat there and listened. Not once did he break eye contact, he interacted with the conversation and it felt like things were how they used to be.

“How’s the Bad Omens life?,” you ask, finally getting winded from talking about yourself.

Noah plasters a look of pride on his face. You wanted so badly to keep up with them but that would do you a disservice while trying to mend what was hurting you.

“It’s great! We’re blowing up, so many more places we can tour now, merch sales are off the hook. We have a new one dropping soon and I uh… I designed one for Noelle, I’ll just need her size,”

His words caught you off guard. How does he have something planned for her already?

“Noah,” he’s got you swooning so easily. This was your Noah.

Snap out of it, Y/N!

If he’s serious, make him work for it.

“I think it’s pretty cute! Nicholas and I brainstormed on it together, it’s a Bad Omens x Noelle exclusive,”

The laughter that escaped you was a melody Noah thought he’d never hear again. When it dies down, his mouth begins to itch with a question he’s been wondering for a long time now.

“Are you,” he clears his throat, “Are you seeing anyone?,”

Your eyes flicker at his question, adjusting in your seat. Snatching the cup of water that was on the table, looking him in his eyes when you set it down after a sip.

“I told you,” tongue in cheek, playing with your fingers to ease your mind, “I wouldn’t be able to fall in love with anyone else. You were it for me,”

You search his eyes, wanting to cry for the sole basis that you never thought you’d see them again. They were the eyes you looked to whenever you were desolate, excited, or livid. No matter what you were feeling you could simply look at him and he was always there, until he wasn’t.

“I meant it when I said I loved you and you fucking sat there and told me that you didn’t love me like you used to,”

“I don’t know why I said that-,”

“It gutted me,” anguish covers your face like a mask, trying to keep yourself from crying while that night replays in your mind like a movie, “You just sat there like it didn’t even hurt you,”

“It hurt me like you wouldn’t believe,” he persisted

“So why didn’t you try?,” your lip hurts from biting it so hard, if you don’t stop it’ll bleed soon enough, “I gave you so much of me, even up until I couldn’t, when I had nothing left and you just… sat there!,”

“I was an idiot,” he admitted, “I fucked up when I decided to love my career more than anything. I messed up when I let it weigh me down,”

“I don’t care that you loved your career, Noah. I cared whether you showed up for us or not. You did until you became complacent,”

“I know I didn’t,” he answers, “I know I didn’t try hard enough. I know I gave up too quickly and those decisions have been haunting me every fucking day. I know I made this bed but I don’t wanna lie in it anymore,”

Taking a napkin from the table to wipe your eyes, you look around to make sure no one is looking at you. You thought in your mind that you’d be stronger but deep down, you expected the tears even though it’s embarrassing to be this emotional in public.

“Were you even honest with everyone or did you make me the villain?,”

“I told them it was mutual,” he confesses in shame.

Choking on your sobs, you shake your head and just look out the window, “So you made them think I just skipped town? That’s so fucked up, Noah. I would have never done that to you,”

“I will tell them the truth,” He panicked, “I don’t know why I lied to them I just… I knew they’d make the guilt worse and I figured the damage was done. I knew if they knew the truth they’d make me reach out but after that I didn’t have the right to reach out to fix it,”

There’s a silence that floats between you two after his words. The culpability of hurting you ate at him while the heartache gnawed away at you.

Both were parasites feeding on their hosts. Ruining their lives, doing their best to reduce them to nothing.

The parasitism ends here though.

“If-” you hiccup, gathering your things, “If you want even a sliver of a chance of being in Noelle’s life… of us getting back together, of us being a family… then you’ll start with being honest with our friends,”

Noah was so anxious that he just might throw up. He wanted you back and he didn’t want to miss out on having a family. He’s missed out on enough due to his own transgressions.

It took Noah a few days to muster up the strength to tell everyone. Every time he tried, he stumbled over his words and gave up. He had to do this though, it wasn’t fair to lie on your name to save his face.

Noah found himself with the guys, all gathered for game night. Snacks spread out all over the table, Folio was high, laughing while throwing a squid at Matt on the course, fucking up Matt’s winning streak. All of them were having a good time but Noah couldn’t focus on having fun, what he was about to confess wasn’t fun by any means. After a few rounds of Mario Kart, he paused the game and sighed, many groans of dismay being heard around the living room.

“What’s your problem?,” Jolly questioned, “I was about to whoop your ass on the Bone-Dry Dunes!,”

Noah felt his breathing pick up. It was now or never.

“It wasn’t mutual,” he blurts out, heart racing in his chest, he can hear his blood rushing in his ears.

“The fuck are you talking about?,” Folio burps obnoxiously loud and Bryan kicks him for being gross about it.

“Y/N and I, the break up wasn’t mutual,” he finds his switch controller a lot more interesting than the feeling of their eyes burning holes into his skin.

“Again, that begs the question… what the fuck are you talking about?,” Matt’s voice sounds strained, like he knows and is getting irritated with the suspense.

“Before she left. I told her that I didn’t love her like I used to. I got overwhelmed with the band. I was… I got deep in my head and started to self sabotage. I neglected her and I fucked up,”

A stillness dresses the air, Noah can feel the tension. He can’t bring himself to look up and see their expressions, he’s ashamed, he should be. How did he go so long with this secret? How did he go about his life knowing he broke the trust of one of the sweetest souls that walked this Earth?

“Woah…,” Davis muttered in a daze. His single word response was enough to have all hell breaking loose.

“I’m going to kick your fucking ass!,” Nicholas threw his controller at Noah, heat from his frustration reddening his cheeks, “Are you fucking kidding me, Noah? Is that why she ran off?,”

“That’s exactly why,” he nodded, cursing at himself. He feels so embarrassed to say it out loud. This is the first he’s ever admitted this outside of therapy. These are people that mattered, people whose opinions mattered the most.

Matt sat up like he’d seen a ghost, a light bulb moment happening for him, “That’s why she didn’t tell you about the baby,”

“BABY?!,” Folio screeched, “where the fuck was I?!,” Hands stuck out as if to gesture “wtf” Folio was always ten steps behind everyone else, even when he was in the room at the time of conversations.

“You were super high, you passed out,” Jolly waved at him to shut up, turning to Noah, “You’re our brother which means I have to be honest. That is a dick ass move, Noah. She was nothing but patient with you. She loved you, supported you even when it was hard because you were gone all the time. What the fuck?,”

“She was always there no matter what you needed,” Bryan added, while it took a while for you to open up to everyone, when you did, they became your little family, “She was always there for you, always there for us,”

“I miss when she packed our lunches for the studio,” Folio sighed like he was daydreaming. Once again finding it hard to read the room.

“Not the time!,” Nicholas gritted through his teeth

“I’m just saying!,” Folio defended, “She took care of all of us,”

Nicholas stuck out his hand to shut Folio up. If there was anyone up in arms about this, it was him. They all became your family and it hurt them when you left without a word. Now that he knows the full story, it makes him livid to know it was Noah who pushed you away. This could have been avoided.

“We were worried sick about her, Noah!,” Nicholas was more upset than any of them, and that’s saying a lot, the others were quite upset, “That girl who stuttered over her words the first time she met you still stuttered after years of being with you because she loved you, because you still made her nervous! After years of being with you she was still smitten and because of the stress.. you… y-you say that shit to her?,”

Noah really had no rebuttal. He knew Nicholas was right. There were no words for him to defend himself with. It almost brought him to tears, unsettled by his own behavior and now that other people know… now that the people closest to him know- it changes everything and forces him to reflect even more.

“Instead of talking to her, talking to us to keep you from doing something so stupid- instead of doing.. anything! You pull a coward ass move!,”

Nicholas viewed you as if you were a younger sibling, taking you under his wing, understanding your reclusive personality. He was the first person you connected to outside of Noah. He had a feeling when he only ever got vague answers when asking about the break up.

“It was time I was honest. I want to make this right with her. I want a chance to see my daughter and be a dad but it starts with honesty.” Noah mumbled, “I just want her back and I want a second chance whether I deserve it or not. I want to be there for Y/N like I always should have been. I want to be there for Noelle. I’m sorry it took so long to come clean.”

“Yeah?,” Matt’s jaw clenches as he ponders what has been said. He has his own thoughts regarding the matter but Nicholas seemed to cover them all for the most part, “I hope she makes you work like hell for it!,”

All Noah can really do is agree, they’re right. He was a coward, he did take the easy way out instead of facing his own problems and insecurities, and you should make him work like hell to get you back, to earn his place in Noelle’s life.

“Noelle,” Folio trails off, giggling to himself as he says the name, “Noeeeellee,”

“Dude, shut the fuck up!,” Jolly shouted with a bit of laughter layered underneath, Folio is such an airhead, it’s hard to have serious conversations like this around him. At least it eases some tension.

“It’s a cute name!!,”

“She’s an adorable baby,” Matt confirmed, “I only got a glimpse of her but she looks just like Noah,”

“Nah,” Noah shook his head, “She has my eyes but she has the curl of Y/N’s lashes. She has my lips but she has her mama’s chin. She has my dimples but Y/N’s cheeks. She’s both Y/N and me. She’s beautiful,”

Davis scoffs, raising his eyes, “Well you better get your shit together,”

“Yeah! I’m ready to be one kick ass uncle!,”

“Shut up, Folio!,”

You had taken it upon yourself to unblock everyone, figuring that if Noah told them the truth that they’d want to reach out, which they did.

It was scary at first, Noah had been a coward but you had your cowardly moments as well. Running off and not saying a word to people who cared about you- it wasn’t the nicest thing to do. Going through this with Noah had you realizing there are some things you would have done differently. This is a time of self reflection for everyone.

Although you’d been talking with them over the last week or so, you didn’t let the conversation stray too far from how you were doing. You weren’t ready to introduce them to Noelle or the idea of her just yet, you’re sure Noah has talked about her a bunch but you didn’t want to get too close to everyone again as of right now.

Ms. Ernie and Reid have been watching Noelle while you and Noah rebuild yourselves.

Dates that you made sure to let him know weren’t ‘actual dates’, walks at the park that turned into introspective discussions. It was all a work in progress and it made Ms. Ernie’s words hit even harder, there’s a lot to learn about love and that sometimes second chances are worth it.

You made him work like hell, but he was doing pretty well. He had different plans each day you guys hung out. He was attentive. He was gentle, he even told you about what he and his therapist talked about after each session.

In reality, you could tell he was doing better. You still had some reservations and there was still a long way to go but ultimately he was making a true effort. You could see the change he was making. Granted, it was a change that should have happened a long time ago but things happen the way they’re supposed to and when they’re supposed to.

That sentiment itself was a hard pill to swallow.

Today he took you on a picnic in the park, packed your favorite foods and drinks. He was really laying it on thick, others might find it cringe but it was making your heart flutter.

“I never did thank you, for telling them the truth,” popping a grape in your mouth, “I know it wasn’t easy,”

“It needed to happen. I knew better and I shouldn’t have lied to them but most importantly, I shouldn’t have lied on you. I was a coward and that’s not who I want to be to you… or Noey,”

A pleasant hum emitted from your chest, brows raising at the nickname that left his mouth.

“That one seemed to stick, huh?,”

“Noey is different… and it’s super close to Noah,”

“Noelle is already close to Noah!,” you bicker, both of you in high spirits while you go back and forth

“Noah has four letters and so does Noey,”

“Oh you’re such a kiss ass!,” you push him and he falls over dramatically.

“Help! Someone help!,” he shouted, feigning like he was injured

“Oh my God, Noah, stop! Someone is gonna think you’re serious!,” you reach over him to cover his mouth but he licks it and you squeal

“EEUUUGHHH!! You’re so gross!!,” you yank your hand back, he’s laughing like a hyena. Eyes wrinkling, hand in his chest and head thrown back.

“You used to do that to me all the time!” Justifying his action, you stick your tongue out at him while wiping your wet palm on his cheek

“Which means you can’t steal my move!,”

It was tense the first couple of meet ups and each one gets you closer to bringing Noelle around. These past couple of times had broken the ice and it started to feel like time hadn’t passed.

“Hey uhm, are you?- do you still live at the house?”

Noah settles down, feeling the energy shift to something a little more serious.

“Yeah. Didn’t have the guts to move. Why?,”

You twist grapeless vine in your hands, afraid to say the words now that you’re feeling comfortable to bring it up. It’s about 2 months of this and Noelle is a little over 6 months now.

“I’d like to bring Noelle by,”

Noah struggled for air, coughing up his drink and you can’t help but snicker at the liquid dripping off his chin.

“What?,” his eyes are as big as saucers

“Unless you’re not ready. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed,”

“No! No, I.. Y/N you have no idea how much I would love that,”

If you weren’t mistaken, you swear you see tears welling in his eyes

“I’d love to meet my daughter,”

This was a big step for you and an even bigger one for Noah. Both of you were scared beyond your wits.

“I’d like for it to just be us and then we can work up to getting the guys to meet her? And then you can meet Ms. Ernie, Reid and his husband, Morgan,”

You had to make sure to set some ground rules, Noah responded without any issues knowing that at the end of the day- you call the shots and he has to abide by them if he wants this to work. Yet despite feeling good about all of this, there’s still a smidge of uncertainty.

“What’s on your mind?,” even after all the time spent apart, reading you was like muscle memory.

“I still feel resentful,” you look to him to see his shoulders sagging, “I know you’re tired of it,”

“I don’t expect you to get over any of this anytime soon. In a way, you’re grieving and I can’t police how long you mourn. I can only help ease it,”

You didn’t really think of what you were going through as mourning but you guess you can see the similarities. What you two had was long gone and even in the face of starting over, albeit with the same person, you were still allowed to miss how things were and feel a bit out of sorts about what happened.

“It’s just,” you watch his hands as he picks at his palms, a nervous tick he’s always had. You’re once again feeling a sort of guilt making him feel like this but it’s a price he has to pay, right? You didn’t ask to be hurt to begin with.

“Resentment is so weird. I want to forgive you, Noah. So fucking bad I want to forgive you because I can’t keep doing this with you, I wish I could forget so I could just… hug you, kiss you, hold your hand like we used to,”

“You set the pace, Y/N. I told you no matter what, I respect it. I wish I could take it all back. God, I wish there was a way for me to go back so I didn’t fuck up and hurt you,”

“And my mind is struggling to comprehend why the fuck you would do that to me,” anger bleeds into your tone.

Noah is seen blubbering like a fish out of water as he tries to find his words. You can see the cogs turning in his mind, recalling the very night he ruined what you two had.

“There’s no explanation,” he declared, there was nothing good enough to excuse why he did what he did.

“No excuse, no reasoning that will ever be good enough for what I said to you. For how I treated you. It was unacceptable and there are no words to describe how apologetic I am. All I can say is, is that I’m so thankful you’re here, even giving me this chance,”

“You were all I could think about,” turning your body to him, he needed to know the turmoil you endured, “You hadn’t touched me in almost 3 months by the night I left. I was so consumed with the stress I didn’t realize I missed my period. I went to the doctor and that’s when I heard our little girl’s heartbeat,”

It didn’t get past him that you finally said our daughter and not just “my”. At this point, he has turned to look at you, listening closely, making sure you knew he was paying attention.

“I moved to the countryside and that’s where I met Ms. Ernie and Reid. They were my people while I was managing heartbreak. Keeping myself physically and mentally healthy so I could bring Noelle into this world. You… you should have been there Noah, you could’ve been there,”

“I know,” he blinks, tears falling down his cheeks just like yours were, “I missed out on so much because I couldn’t get my own shit together,”

“I took that pain and restructured it to fuel me so I could be the best parent I could be. I never thought I’d be sitting here in front of you. I never expected to see you again. Ever. But despite all the alarm bells, I am so fucking glad I am because I missed you, Noah. But I hate you so much at the same time,”

His face fashioned that of anguish at your last few words. It was hurting him but he didn’t look away from you, he didn’t hide his eyes, he’s now feeling what you felt that night and then some.

The anxiety. The fear, the fucking aching that burned from his gut all the way up into his throat. The pounding in his head, the heat that blanketed his skin. He can’t believe he did this to you. He can’t believe he sat across from you at the table that night, watching you fall apart and still said what he said.

“I don’t know how you expect us to rebuild anything,” your voice flows into his ears and he can feel his chest tightening, finding it harder to keep his breathing at a normal pace.

“Hell, I don’t even know how I expect us to rebuild anything but I’m going to try because that’s what you should have done!,”

“I-I know. Fuck, I.. I’m aware,” taking a deep breath to try to swallow his cries.

“I’m going to do what you couldn’t do,” a wild fire burns behind your eyes and he realizes this is a new you. The soft spoken Y/N is still there but this version of you takes no shit. You have a daughter now, you had to build tough skin

“I’m going to prove to you that fighting for what you want isn’t a lost fucking cause. I’m going to show you that no matter what is going on in your head, no matter what the voices are telling you- that I am here and I will be here until we are dust returned to the universe, Noah,”

You hated to see the way he dug his fingernails into his palms and you wanted nothing more than to grab his hands to massage the tension and cramps away.

“I know this is eating at you,” you whisper, “For the longest time I wanted it to. But not anymore,”

A great tremor overtook him, flexing his jaw to ease the ache from clenching it so hard. He had to break eye contact just this once to look up at the sky to will the tears away.

“Just take a page out of my book and take what you’re feeling to change and be better. No more apologies. Don’t be sorry, be better,”

“You sure you got everything?,” Reid packed your diaper bag into the front while you buckled Noelle into her carseat.

“Yeah I got my cooler for the bricks. My pump, extra clothes, extra wipes-,” you continue to list other items and at this point you’re not listing them to Reid, you’re listing them because you’re scared. 

“You got this,” Ms. Ernie kisses your cheek and you look at her with worry, “Don’t look at me like that. You both are going to be okay. He’s been groveling for weeks on end, he’s been respectful, if you want to back out I’m sure he’d understand?,”

“No! No. I think I’m ready. She’s already 6 months old now, he deserves this much,” It’s crazy to think that you’ve been at this with Noah for about a few months now.

You’re wrapped in an embrace of them both, Reid whispering words of reassurance as he pulls away, helping you settle in the car.

“Let us know when you get there, okay?,” Ms. Ernie waves from her front step.

You assure her that you’ll do just that. A lively wave is sent their way as you pull out of the driveway to make it to a house that you once called home, a house that could have been a home for Noelle. 

You didn’t need a GPS, you’d never forget the way there even if you tried. You could drive there blindfolded. The drive really wasn’t that long and a part of you wishes it was because when you pull up your stomach is full of butterflies. 

He’s probably nervous too. Don’t stress about it. As if he was waiting by the door, he’s out on the porch, wiping his hands on a paper towel when you exit your vehicle.

“Need help with anything?,” a nervous smirk across his face, he looks like he’s going to throw up at any second.

“Wanna grab the diaper bag and cooler?,”

He didn’t give a verbal answer. He was already down the steps and to your car before you finished asking. You grabbed Noelle’s carrier and waited for him to get the other items. Seeing him with the lavender diaper bag on his shoulder stirred a feeling inside of you. He looked like a dad, he looked good. A yearn made itself present in your body, you just wanted to be a family.

“Follow me,” 

You could tell he was excited, excited but tense. He didn’t want to fuck this up. 

Once you’re settled in the house, he heads upstairs, mumbling that he’ll be right back. When taking your jacket off to hang it on the second hook on the back of the door, you realize the hook still has your name on it. He never took it off, this was your hook, everyone knew not to hang their things on it. And beside yours, you see one for Noelle. Noah, Y/N and Noelle. Your fingers brush against the names and a smile creeps on your face.

“I know she probably already has one but I figured it would be nice if she had one here. She’ll probably end up falling asleep depending on how long you stay,”

You turn around to see a lavender playpen with her name on the side.

“In a lot of the videos and pictures you showed me, she’s wearing lavender so..,”

“Noah,” you coo, stepping over to him, “That’s so sweet,” 

You turn to Noelle in her carrier and unbuckle her, “If you wanna go wash your hands, you can hold her,”

“Yeah?,” his eyes lit up like a little kid on Christmas. He didn’t even wait for you to answer before he’s jogging into the kitchen to scrub his hands clean. About a good minute later he’s rushing back in but he seems hesitant. 

“Don’t worry,” you assure him, “I show her pictures just like I show you pictures. She knows you. She won’t really be fussy” 

You cradle her while handing her over to him.

“She likes to be held like this, just support her neck,” 

Noah takes her from you softly, his large hands make her seem so small, even at six months. He stares at her in awe and sits down gently. Noelle babbles at him, waving her hands and smiling. 

“Hiii, baby girl,” 

You can hear the tears as he speaks to her and you take a seat beside him, not bothered by how close you were.

“I’m your papa,” he chokes on his words, caressing her cheek with the back of his finger, “You’re so beautiful just like your mama,”

There weren’t many words said as Noah soaked in this moment with you watching. His breath is silently hitching from his tears but he only cries harder when Noelle reaches out and touches his cheek, seemingly wiping a tear away.

Noah sits back on the sofa, setting his feet flat on the cushion so he could lay Noelle on his thighs so that she was sitting up.

“You’re so sweet,” he kisses her hand, causing her to squeal and giggle. He looks to you with wide eyes and a bright smile

“You were right!,” 

“I told you!!,” you lean closer and watch the way Noelle is taking in the moment as well. She stares at Noah with a look of bewilderment, she’s never been around him physically yet relaxes into him like she’s known him since day one. She knows that’s her papa.

“Thank you,” he says simply, “I’m far from deserving but thank you so much, Y/N,”

“You deserve to be a dad, Noah. And she deserves one,”

“I won’t fuck this up,”

“You better not,” you poke his cheek, “Because she needs you… we both do,”

You let Noah record videos of him and her, letting him make up for lost time. He carefully danced around the living room with her while playing happy baby songs.

“I heard songs like this make them happy!,” he insisted. Each time she squealed he hugged her tighter, absolutely adoring the sound of his baby laughing with him. You couldn’t help but record some videos of your own, wanting to look back at this moment. 

The foundation still needed some work but what is life without the effort? What’s love without effort? He said he wouldn’t screw it up this time and you’re holding him to his word.

“She’s down for bed,” Noah comes down the stairs, heading to the kitchen to return with two mugs 

“She’s never fallen asleep that fast,” taking a mug from him, you smell your favorite tea in the way he used to make it. 

“Does she wake you up throughout the night? I can be on baby duty so you can rest. U-unless you planned on going home tonight. I can drive you home, I don’t want you driving while you’re tired,” he offered.

“Can we stay?,” circling the rim of your cup, finding the heat from your tea comforting. 

“You two always have a place here,” he sets the baby monitor on the table and takes a sip of his coffee. He was always a late night coffee drinker, at least it was decaf, he just liked the taste. 

There was a comfortable lull that fell over you two and sitting on this very couch in this living room felt like home, like you belonged here. You made a home out of the cabin in the countryside but *this… this is where you felt like you were meant to be. Drinking your warm beverages on the couch while your child slept, simply enjoying each other’s company.

Noah randomly stands up and turns the tv on. He’s getting a game console, plugging it up and connecting the remotes. You’re watching in confusion while he does this all as if he’s on a mission. 

Once he gets everything connected he pulls out a game case. 

Michael Jackson: The Experience

“Nooaaaaaah,” you say suspiciously, “What are you doing?,” setting your cup on the side table, you watch with a questioning frown when he moves the coffee table

“Stand up,” insisting with a wide grin, he takes your hand despite your wariness

“What are we doing, Sebastian?” 

“We’re putting all those nights practicing with the music videos to use. I scored these at a yard sale and figured we could dance to some good ole Michael like we used to,” 

He hands you a Wii remote and the butterflies erupt again, spotting the same broken lampshade that he still hasn’t gotten rid of. 

“You think you still got it?,” you tease, wrapping the band around your wrist. 

He scoffs loudly, rolling his eyes, “You wish I lost it,” 

“Put your money where your mouth is,” 

He side eyes you with a little smirk, choosing the song he wanted to dance to. You expected Thriller, hell maybe even Ghosts. But he surprised you when he chose Do You Remember the Time

“If I win. I get to take you out on a romantic date,” he sighs triumphantly, he knows since you two started to rebuild something new, you didn’t want to get too romantic just yet.

“Okay,” you nod confidently, much to his surprise, “But if I win… you’re on baby duty for a night. That means getting up to feed her, change her diaper, cuddle-,”

“All I’m seeing is a win-win situation here,” turning back to the screen he hits play, “Bring your A game. I’ve been practicing for this very moment,” 

He says it as if he’s joking but he was serious. This was a song you two spent many nights listening to, belting it at the top of your lungs during late night drives, to dancing in the kitchen to it after date night. 

This little gesture may seem like just a night of dancing to a game to you but it was much more to him. So when the gold room appeared on the screen after picking your characters, he became timorous.

The beat begins and you feel a little silly following the movements at first. You hadn’t danced with Noah in ages but he probably feels just as goofy. You notice him missing a few beats and peak to see him adoring you, the way your nose crinkles when you smile, the way your eyes move across the screen, trying to focus.

“You’re not gonna win if you keep staring at me, Sebastian!,” 

“Fuck!,”

~Do you remember when we fell in love? We were young and innocent then~

You trip over your feet as the dance begins to incorporate footwork, glaring at Noah when you hear him laughing at you.

~Do you remember, back in the fall? We’d be together all day long~

You bend your knees and shimmy your feet along the carpet while Noah stands tall and moves in the opposite direction over you. Feeling him this close, despite just playing a game, had your heart palpitating. 

You never thought you’d have nights like this again. With anyone, let alone Noah. 

You hear Noah singing to himself while he follows the dance moves to a T, seeing his score get higher than yours had you ready to wreck his streak.

“Do you remember the time when weeee first met, girl?” He sang obnoxiously while looking at you, purposely singing off key. You snicker at his expressions, missing a move but you can’t bring yourself to care. 

Noah seemed so carefree and comfortable in this moment that it started to overshadow what had once hurt you, somewhat putting it on the back burner. 

~Those sweet memories, will always be dear to me~

You and Noah are now face to face, chest to chest, you two seemed to forget the game. Both of you breathing heavily from laughing and going all out on the dance moves.

“You’re gonna lose,” you pipe up, turning around to focus back on the game. You knew that if you stood there any longer you’d have kissed him. 

Noah seemed to snap out of his daze, immediately hopping back into where he was. You have to squat in front of him for the next move and it seems to last forever, feeling the burn like you’re in the gym.

“Oh my God!,” groaning in relief when you’re finally able to move from your position but the relief doesn’t last long when you’re made to go back, moving your arms up and feeling his hands touch yours. 

It sounds dramatic but you swear you feel a little tingle when he touches you. Maybe it was static or maybe it was the fact you missed his touch. A sensation that you felt so safe in, so comfortable and loved. 

You two slide away from each other, swinging your arms back and forth. You’re still following the screen but Noah decides to freestyle. Falling to his knees to sing the song to you, you’d worry about waking Noelle up but she was a deep sleeper. 

“Do you remember girl?,” he holds his fists up, singing passionately, “On the phone! You and me!! Till dawn, 2 or 3. What about us, GIRL!!,” 

You can’t help but throw your head back in entertainment at his dramatics. He was a performer for sure.

“Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya- in the park, on the beach! You and me, in Spain! What about, what about- rrrap tap tap, rrrap tap tap!,”

His ad libs bounce off the walls and you’re losing it.

“You look insane!,” you say over his off-key singing. 

He continues to sing despite your judgment, standing up and grabbing you by the shoulders, shaking you playfully

“Yeah! Yeah! Wooo!!,” 

The game is now complete and you fall back on the couch to catch your breath.

“I freestyled and I STILL won!,” he claps and points at you, “Pick out your prettiest dress, doll face because we’re going on a DATE!,” 

He stands in front of you, hands on his hips in victory and all you can do is cherish the view.

“Come here,” you stand before him, hearing your heart pound in your ears as he steps forward until his chest is level with your eyes, his famous chain glinting in the light on the room.

“What’s up?,” the confidence he just displayed was now replaced with diffidence. 

“You better not hurt me again,” it was strange being this close to him, “If you hurt me you’ll not only lose me but Sunshine as well and I don’t want that for her. So if this is going to happen- you talk to me when your insecurities set in. You talk to me before you self sabotage. You talk to me no matter what so that you continue to show up for our little girl. Do you understand me?,”

Noah nods his head so quickly that you think it just might fall off and roll away.

“I understand. I won’t make the same mistake twice. I love you and I love our baby. I was a fool to fuck up the first time. I won’t be that again,” 

“Good,” you nod, stepping away before patting his cheek with a sly grin.

“Because you’re on baby duty tonight,” 

His jaw drops at your antics, he doesn’t mind really. He’s starting to feel like an actual father now.

“But I won!!,”

You wake up abruptly to Noelle screeching, a type of cry you’ve never heard before and you turn to see Noah’s spot empty. Scrambling to get out of bed, you rush downstairs to see him panicking, tears in his eyes and red in the face

“I’m sorry,” he muttered to her, frantically trying to calm her 

“What happened??,” you kept your composure, not wanting to stress him out anymore than he already is. He hands you Noelle and he pulls at his roots, absolutely distraught and upset with himself.

“She was hungry and I… I heated up her milk for too long. Fuck, Y/N I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-,”

“Noah,” a soft hand on his chest, “It happens. She’s okay,” 

“I made her cry,” 

“She’s okay,” you reassure, “See,” you wipe her tears and she’s just left whimpering now.

You take his hand to sit him down at the table and give Noelle back to him despite his fear

“Don’t tense up. She’ll feel it and become fussy. Relax,” 

He took heed to your words, relaxing so that Noelle could follow suit.

“I should have put a brick in the fridge to thaw,” you mention, “I usually do if I know I’ll be too tired to breastfeed but I was exhausted so it slipped my mind. A brick will usually thaw in the fridge overnight and when it’s time, just set it in a cup of warm water for a few minutes and you’ll be good to go,” 

You take her bottle and run it under some cool water, testing it on your wrist, deeming it cool yet warm enough for her to drink. You sit beside Noah and hand him the bottle. 

“Here, you’re all set. 45 degree angle while she drinks,” you instruct. He follows your words and Noelle hums around the bottle, cuddling into Noah’s shirtless chest, “She likes skin to skin contact while feeding. Now she’ll really know you’re her papa,” 

You realize this is the same table he broke your heart at, tracing the pattern of the mahogany wood. You wouldn’t let that night haunt you anymore. Here’s to new memories. Now, this table will be remembered as the table that he fed your daughter for the first time, a learning experience for him. 

“I’m so sorry for hurting you, honey,” he whispered to her, kissing her forehead while her eyes fluttered sleepily, “I’m still learning but it won’t happen again,” 

You know his words were directed to you as well, finding solace in the reassurance. 

Once you teach him to burp her, the three of you make your way upstairs and back to bed.

“You can put her in the crib,” climbing into the bed that was once yours to claim. He took the time to build her crib and didn’t even wanna put her in it.

“I will once I’m ready to sleep, I just want to spend time with her is all,” 

Despite the infant sleeping, he wasn’t ready to put her down. His hair was thrown all over his head, his eyes here heavy but he was willing to fight sleep just to hold her in his arms for as long as he could. 

“I missed out on enough, I just wanna hold her,” 

“Okay,” you nod, sitting up and scooting closer to rest your head on his shoulder, “Sing, you are my sunshine, to her. It’s her favorite song and I think she would like to hear it from you,” 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” he begins with ease, “You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away,” 

“You are my star shine,” you add in, “My only star shine,” 

You reach over to hold her small hand, resting your hand on his chest,

“I love you so much, each night and day,” 

Noah leans his head on yours, finding comfort in the words you sing. 

“You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my star shine away,” 

You look up to Noah, refusing to move your head off his shoulder so he rears back to look at you, your face being illuminated by the little nightlight you had plugged in for Noelle.

“You are my love shine, my only love shine,” he sings lowly, surprising you that he even knows the third verse of the nursery rhyme, “I miss you so much when you’re away,” 

The smile that appeared on your face was one he’ll never forget, especially when you begin to harmonize with him quietly, watching the way Noelle snuggles into his chest as if she can’t get close enough to him. 

“You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you,” you two sing together, curling into him even more when he plants a kiss on the crown of your head.

“Please don’t take my love shine awaaaay,” 

Days had passed since that night. You and Noah alternate every couple of nights of whose place to stay at. He finally got the pleasure of meeting Ms. Ernie and Reid officially, offering his gratitude to the people who kept you and Noelle safe when he fell short. Despite his own shortcomings, they welcomed him with open arms. 

Reid currently had Noelle in the living room, both of them watching some cartoon movie while Ms. Ernie helped you with your hair, preparing for the night Noah had planned for you. 

“Do I look like I’m trying too hard?,” you turn to her, concern painted all over your face.

“You look like a beautiful youngin who is about to steal the heart of the love of their life,” 

“You flatter me,”

“Well it’s true,” she boops your nose and tucks your hair behind your ear, “You’re going to have fun!,” 

Noah wouldn’t exactly tell you what he had planned. He just said to dress in something comfortable and cute, so you stepped out of your comfort zone, going with a light floral dress, styling your hair to your comfort and a light face of makeup. 

When you heard the doorbell to your cabin go off, your stomach sank.

“Oh goodness!!,” turning to the smiling woman above you, “He’s here!! He’s 10 minutes early!,”

A light rumble comes from her, shaking her head and standing you up, “You would have still freaked out even if he showed up on time. Head up there!,”

You didn’t have time to respond due to the doorbell ringing again. A nervous Noah stood on the other side, worried that maybe you changed your mind. When the door swung open, both of you were speechless. 

You stood there, radiant as ever with Noelle in your arms. A nervous grin framed your teeth and Noah watched as you rubbed Noelle’s back, not for her comfort but for yours. You were antsy. Just as beautiful as the first day he met you when he knocked your bus token out of your hand.

Noah stood there in a plain, white shirt tucked into a pair of sleek black joggers. You noticed he cut his hair, cutting the sides short and keeping the top longer. He recreated the outfit he wore when you two first bumped into each other.

“Hi,” your throat tight around the simple word.

“H-hi,” he had a hand behind his back and stuck the other out, “Nice to meet you, my name is Noah,” 

You frown at his words until you realize this is a reintroduction.

“Hi, Noah. My name is Y/N and it’s wonderful to meet you,” 

Both of you are similar to giddy teenagers falling in love for the first time. He handed you a bouquet of your favorite flowers and you were quick to gasp. You loved flowers, you loved it even more when he gifted them to you.

Inviting him in, Noelle was quick to reach for him and he spun her around while you retrieved the glass milk bottle you received from Ms. Ernie to use as a vase.

“Looking gooooood!,” the elderly woman entered the room and pinched Noah’s cheek lightly.

“I can clean up nice!,” 

Reid entered the space and gave his compliments to the both of you and caught sight of the flowers, nudging Noah.

“Nice choice,” he whispered.

Once both of you give Noelle a ton of kisses, Noah takes your hand and guides you out to the car so you all could get your evening started.

“You gonna tell me what you have planned yet?,” hounding him as he begins to drive. 

“Dinner,” he answers, a smirk on his face to tell you that it wasn’t just dinner.

“Why so cryptic?” you poke him

“Relaaaaax,” he reaches over to grab your hand and squeeze. The two of you missing this simple gesture, feeling safe like this, like all will be okay, it will- but you’ll never get tired of the warm feeling of security. 

Noah took you out to your favorite restaurant, a nice night of expensive wine and taking bites of the other’s food. A bunch of blushing, a bunch of butterflies, laughter and unspoken I love yous. 

Now you find yourself with your hand in his, strolling downtown, him insisting that the night isn’t over. When you stop walking, you peer up to him and see an uncertain smirk on his face. Looking up to the sign on the building, you see what he had planned.

“Kiln of Sunshine,” you read aloud, “Couple’s pottery?”

All he does is laugh at your surprise and leads you inside. There aren’t many couples but it’s a nice intimate place. Dim lights strung up on the ceiling, custom printed aprons with your names on it, which he helps you put on and tie. 

When you’re directed to your designated spots, he sits behind you while you sit in front of the wheel.

“Welcome to the Kiln of Sunshine! We are a couple of potters who met through our love of art,” a young woman stands in front of the class, it’s hard to listen when Noah is so close like this. He still makes you so damn nervous.

“We created this abode to help other couples not only find a new hobby, but also grow together by means of communication and teamwork through making art!” The woman’s husband added with excitement. 

You look over your shoulder to see Noah already looking at you

“You look so beautiful,” he whispers. You have to tuck your chin into your shoulder to hide the fact your face was burning up at his compliment. 

The couple teaching gives you all step by step instructions to begin and then it’s just you and Noah left to your own devices. They gave you the guidelines but now it’s up to you and Noah to decide what you two create.

Much like a relationship. 

“Here, let’s try this,” Noah’s large, clay covered hands form to yours, his chin resting on your shoulder, “Pinch here,”

“Maybe we should coil instead,” suggesting lightly. 

“Okay, yeah,” he nods, taking in your point of view, “I think it’ll turn out better that way,”

Noah hands you the wet sponge, watching the way your tongue sticks out from your lips as you concentrate. 

“I brought us here because I came to a lot of conclusions during our time apart,” his body frames yours like a puzzle piece, after a while, instead of you taking the lead, you let his hands guide yours now.

“Yeah?,” 

“Pottery teaches us a lot about accepting faults- appreciating the imperfections and flaws that can turn into something beautiful,” he moves your hands to pinch the clay in certain spots and watch your piece come to life. 

“Furthermore, we have patience and persistence- pottery, like relationships, demands patience at every turn. To keep going in the face of difficulties, even if you don’t see the results right away. It takes time to mold something beautiful” 

Noah kept going and you’d be lying if his words weren’t tear jerking. While you two were rekindling, you had some introspective moments of your own. Realizing that there are some things you could have done differently yourself. Especially since finding out about the mental battles he was facing during the last few months of your relationship, which caused him to break it off.

You were so caught up in your own mind that you didn’t realize Noah’s actions were due to the fact that it wasn’t Noah- he pulled back from you because he was trying to figure his own labyrinthine mind out, that’s why he kept asking for time, he just felt ashamed to say it out loud. 

Both of you got time, even if it wasn’t in the most ideal form.

“I’m still learning and growing and I know I have a long way to go for you to fully trust me because of those faults, but I’m patient and I’m not going anywhere,” 

You felt him kiss your shoulder, causing goosebumps to flourish on your skin.

“Well… maybe we won’t need the water bowl to wet the sponge anymore since you’ve got me crying over here!,” 

The laughter that erupts from the two of you is boisterous, providing comedic relief in the midst of him expressing his emotions. 

“You two are doing great over here!!,” the instructor complimented the piece the two of you were crafting.

You felt the swell of pride in your chest because whether she was talking about your pottery piece or not, you and Noah are doing great.

The night progressed beautifully. You had to leave your piece at the place overnight so it could get fired and glazed before you took it home to decorate yourselves. So, Noah took you on a stroll, your hand in his, taking in the view of the pretty lights set up downtown. Finding yourselves in front of the big fountain in the center, you stick your hand out to him

“C’mon, big money. Hand over a quarter,” 

He quickly digs in his pocket and hands you a shiny coin in which you hold up to your mouth, whispering to it before throwing it in the fountain. The light plopping sound it made was satisfying to you.

“What did you wish for?,”

You notice him taking his shoes and socks off, rolling up his pant legs and you feel suspicion rising in your belly.

“That would beat the purpose of a wish!,” 

“Take your shoes off,” 

“No! I know what you’re about to do and I spent too much time on my hair and make up!,”

Noah sat you down on the edge of the fountain, removing your shoes for you

“You know that you don’t need your makeup and hair all done up for me to find you absolutely breathtaking… right?,” 

He gives you no time to reply before he’s standing you up and bringing you into the fountain, twirling you around under the raining streams. 

“Noah we’re gonna get in trouble!!,” squealing in his arms, trying to get out of them. He sets you down but before you can scold him, his wet hands are framing your face to pull you in for the long awaited kiss that he’s been wanting to give you since the day you left. 

You felt like you were in a movie. The hopeless romantic that lived within you was thriving. You were stuck in your spot for a second, realizing that since starting over, this is your first kiss and he made it so damn romantic. Pulling him in by his shirt, your lips follow his, flowing with the same desire and unspoken words.

I’m sorry.

I forgive you.

We’re going to be okay.

I don’t hate you

I love you.

I always will.

Damning your own instinctive need to breathe, you pull away from him, pressing your fingertips to your lips, still completely shocked by it all.

“I’m sorry I just… I couldn’t fight it anymore,” he looked so ethereal, wet hair sticking to his face, droplets on his cheeks and big, brown eyes staring back at you with blown pupils.

“Until the day we are returned to dust to the universe, I will love you and cherish you. I will be what I should have always been. And even then… even after we are just dust- I will find you in another timeline and continue to be that and more”

Life is a beautiful thing now. It was no longer grey and neither of you felt like you were just getting by, you were finally living. 

You didn’t want to give up your cabin, so despite all the memories the house back in the city had, you two decided to make more memories out here.

Your house was full now, filled with friends you missed dearly, all of them soaking up time with Noelle, getting used to being uncles. 

“Nuh uh!,” Noah shouts, “Folio, wash your hands before holding her,” 

“What the hell! I just did!!,” he defended, arms halfway out, ready to reach for his niece.

“Not long enough! Sing happy birthday twice if you have to- and don’t swear around my daughter!,” 

Noah fit the dad role real well. He was proud to be the father of your child. He doted on Noelle, always took pictures with her, sang to her (a lot better than you ever did) and though Noah had a love for the city, he loved being out here with you two, taking her on daily walks around the countryside while you tended to the chickens and garden. 

You thought he’d put up a bigger fight due to his career but- things were simple out here and being out here made him feel normal and domestic. This is what life was always supposed to feel like and it’s what the two of you had always envisioned. 

“Everyone get ready, dinner’s almost finished!,” Ms. Ernie hollered. She loved the guys, it didn't take long for her to warm up to people and just like she took you under her wing, she did the same for them. She even listens to their music now, she says Hedonist is her favorite. 

Folio doesn’t care to make his plate now that he has Noelle, making her squeal and laugh at his silly faces. 

Matt bumps you as he moves past you to get a drink out of your fridge, “I told you he wouldn’t take her from you,” 

“You only get one ‘I told you so’ in our friendship and you used it well. Thanks, Matty,” 

During the time you and Noah were reconnecting, you had to rebuild your friendships with the guys as well. You and Matt now have your farmer’s market dates back. You, Jolly, Davis and Folio have your bowling on Thursday nights while you and Bryan go to the movies every Tuesday because they’re half off. And Nicholas- the one who truly is like a brother, both of you had your chess game that you abandoned but he kept the board set in hopes that one day you’ll come back. 

He taught you how to play ages ago and when you finally got the hang of it, you two matched all the time, some matches going for days, this match being the longest ever due to a hiatus. 

He had the board with him, setting it up on the counter, both of you moving your pieces throughout the day.

“I know how to beat you,” staring at the board, he comes to stand beside you.

“Yeah?,” grinning as if he wasn’t about to lose.

“You have nowhere to go, Nicky,” you pick your Queen up, moving her to h5, threatening his f7. You watch him frown at your movements and you have to hide the smirk on your face. If you win, you’ll no longer be tied. 

You move your Queen to take his f7 and you check his king.

“No!,”

“Checkmate!,” clapping in victory, you jump up and down, “I still got it!!,”

“You got lucky!,” 

Despite him losing, he was always a good sport. He did teach you after all.

After dinner, Reid provided dessert, topped with a delicious honey glaze he made from his bees. Matt started a fire pit outside which left only you, Noah and Noelle in the kitchen as you two arranged to put her down for bed. He had her wrapped up against his chest while you prepared his coffee and your tea.

Noelle cooed against his chest, eyes fluttering and trying to fight sleep.

“I love you,” he searched your face, feeling blessed that he can say the words to you again. Your eyes sparkle in the warm light of the kitchen, feeling blessed to hear those words once again. You’ll never get tired of hearing it, especially because it’s all different now. It’s healthier, happier.

“And I love you,” of course you do- it was muscle memory. 

After lightly clinking your mugs together, your eyes catch sight of the fruit bowl you and Noah made in your pottery class. Your painted hand print on one side, his on the other and Noelle’s in the middle with 4 simple words written across it.

You are my Sunshine.

Stepping closer to him, his arm wrapped around your shoulder, the two of you stood in silence just enjoying each other’s presence. Finding joy in the laughter of your loved ones outside. 

All is well and always will be. Ms. Ernie was right. Sometimes second chances are worth it. 

“Thanks for adding to the sunshine instead of taking it away,”

Noah could hear the relief in your voice that things turned out for the better. He’d never give this up. Home isn’t a place, home is this moment right here and every moment after.

“Until we are dust returned to the universe.”

First and foremost i wanted to thank everyone for their patience while i worked on this!! this story means so much to me and i am grateful for the love i received on part one and hope you all enjoy this part even if it’s a little long!!!

Please be sure to reblog and comment as it helps us writers out a lot!!!

much love!

~Berry 🫐

tags: @dravenskye @babs-96 @tech-depression-inventory @magnificentstrawberryomen @mrscevans @tinyfairies @mxddymay @themorticians-world @rainy-darling @lma1986 @darknightstarryeyes @thisbicc @lilhobgobbler @lovethe-void @cind6547 @flowery-mess @widowsofchaos @abiomens @amelia-acero @collapsedglasshouses @poppy-in-the-woods @rostoken @dkxxm @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @fadingintothegrey @blairboo

[typicalopposite]

Bucktommy 🌞

🫡🫡🫡 I picked watch a sunrise. And it spiraled into this! I hope you like it

<3<3<3

They both have the next day off, but Tommy’s shift ends late. So Buck insists Tommy needs to get some sleep, so he should go home, and then Buck can come over in the morning. Tommy is reluctant but finally agrees. 

The sun has long been set. Buck has cleaned his entire loft, and packed a bag for the morning. His belly is full, he has bathed, and he is… wide awake. Nothing he wants to watch on TV, no new book he is interested in enough to start reading. He doesn’t even feel like scrolling the internet for the next insane fact rabbit hole he can tumble down, then fill everyone in about later. All he can think of is everything he wants to do with Tommy, and for Tommy, and to Tommy, once he is over there. 

He lays back into his pillows and tries to just force his eyes to stay closed. Then his phone rings. It’s Tommy.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Buck says, barely able to contain the smile on his face (he wonders if Tommy can hear it in his voice). “You’re supposed to be sleeping.”

“Mmm, I tried… but I just couldn’t stop thinking of you.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Oh yeah. It’s really becoming a thing, you always being on my mind,” Tommy says, and Buck’s heart skips a beat. “Wouldn’t really be a problem if you were here…”

Buck laughs, “You just worked a 48,” he says. “And i can’t promise either of us would be getting much rest if I was there right now.” 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Tommy replies. Buck rolls onto his side and wraps his free arm around himself, pretending it is Tommy’s arm. He sighs. “Hmm… are you thinking about me, now?” 

“Maybe.” Buck feels his cheeks heat the slightest bit; he feels the smirk on his lips. 

“And what about me are you thinking of?” 

“Right now? Just your arms wrapped around me…” Buck says, tightening his hold on himself. “I love when you hold me.” 

“I’d love to be holding you right now…”

“You need to sleep.”

“I know, I know,” Tommy sighs. “But first, is there anything else?”

“Anything else?” 

“That you’re thinking about?” 

Buck laughs: “Not really…” 

“Come on, I’m sure there’s something,” Tommy presses. 

“Going to bed, like you should already have done,” Buck teases. He hears Tommy scoff, like he knows Buck wasn’t about to be able to fall asleep either. “I'm thinking about what we’re going to do tomorrow.”

Tommy hums, Buck can just picture his soft smile, and his tired eyes… he needs to sleep. “What are we going to do?” 

“You will see when I get there, tomorrow.” 

“But I just want an idea on what to expect… please baby.” And that’s all it takes for Buck to melt into the mattress. God he’s so gone on this guy. He tells Tommy about his plans to take him to this little farmers market Bobby showed him. How he wanted to get the ingredients for a new dish he found, and how he wants to buy Tommy his own apron… How he wants to see him in it while they make dinner together… maybe just in that. “Hmm sounds like you have a lot planned…” and okay, to be fair, he does. He tries to fit in as much together time as he can when they get days off together; tries to make as many memories. “What about after dinner?” 

“Tommy… go to sleep!” 

“But I’m so curious,” Tommy says, and he sounds so tired. “You said you want me in just an apron… and you're not going to tell me where that might lead?” 

“Oh I think you know where that’s gonna lead…” 

“I’d much rather you tell me… in very explicit detail.” Buck rolls his eyes, his cheeks now burning from how long he’s been smiling. He gives Tommy what he wants… maybe he secretly wanted to linger on that thought a little more himself. “I don’t know if I can wait until tomorrow for that…” Tommy sighs through the phone. 

“You’re gonna have to, cause you’re going to bed now…” Buck tells him. 

“What if I wanted to know about how your day went, first?” 

“I can tell you tomorrow…” Buck groans. “It was boring anyway.”

“Then tell me, and maybe you’ll bore me to sleep.”

Buck turns his face into his pillow to muffle his laugh. “Or you could just go to sleep!” There’s a silence, and Buck knows he’s being long distance pouted at. “Fine…” 

This continues—the back and forth of Tommy convincing Buck to share some random story, and Buck ultimately doing so. “What can I say, I love the sound of your voice,” Tommy says, and Bucks insides erupt into butterflies. “Hey Evan?”

“Yeah?” 

“Look outside…”

Buck does and he laughs. Through the buildings, in the small section of the horizon visible from his bedroom window, Buck can see the very beginning of the sunrise. 

“It’s morning,” Tommy says, sounding very proud of himself. “And you should have an Uber there for you in about— now. They're about to pull up.”

“You sent me an Uber?” 

“Couldn’t have you driving here on no sleep,” Tommy says. 

Buck feels the strain of his smile in his cheeks again and throws his blanket off, grabbing his bag and slipping on his shoes. “I’m on my way,” he laughs, pulling his door closed behind him.

[bigdumbbambieyes]

Steve comes home tired from work, barely able to muster up even a smile for Billy as he shuts the front door behind him, leaning against it with all his weight as he toes off his shoes and Billy smirks at him from where he’s standing in the kitchen, preparing dinner.

“Long day, peanut?” He asks as he sets down his knife, leaving the chopped carrot where it lays on the cutting board in favour of wiping his hands and going over to Steve.

Who, as he sets down his tote bag and backpack, pulls a little pout and whines as he stumbles over to Billy, reaching his arms out for a much-needed hug.

Billy meets him there, in front of the fridge with their grocery list and vacation pictures stuck to it with magnets, and wraps his arms around his boyfriend with a soft smile, feeling Steve bury his face into his neck, hiding away.

He thumbs over the fabric of Steve’s shirt as he rests one hand on his pretty boy’s upper back and the other down at his lower back, feeling the weight of Steve’s arms around his shoulders and the rest of him as the brunet leans against him.

“‘m tired,” Steve mumbles, his breath warm on Billy’s skin.

“You should lay down on the couch for a bit,” he mumbles in return, sliding his hand down a little lower so he can squeeze Steve’s ass, unable to help himself.

And Steve really must be tired because he doesn’t tell Billy to stop, doesn’t push his hand away with a playful look, he just lets him do whatever he wants as he begins to complain and vent about his day.

“I hate this company,” Billy lowers his other hand, gives him another squeeze with both, “Wanna quit so bad but the job market is fucking stupid,” Billy gives his ass a couple little pats back to back, “HR is so fucking clueless and toxic, I don’t know how the manager’s still here,” Billy squeezes again, a little longer, “Maybe I should just work in food service again, for a bit…”

Billy frowns, “You hated that, too.”

“Yeah, but at least I got to leave work at work and come home to you without anything nagging in the back of my mind.”

“Aww,” Billy grins, pulling Steve’s shirt from where it’s tucked into his pants, just so he can slide his hands up the back of it and touch, “You just wanna come home and think about me and nothing else?

Steve kisses his neck and nods, “Even though you’re a pain in my ass — which you’ve been playing with this entire time.”

“You didn’t tell me to stop, so,” Billy hums, turning his head to kiss Steve’s cheekbone and whispering into his ear playfully, “Sorry your life sucks and you hate your job.”

Steve snorts a soft laugh at that and pulls away just enough to look into Billy’s eyes, his expression already softened and warm just from a few minutes of cuddling in their kitchen, his shoulders relaxed from where they’d been up by his ears, “How was class?” He asks softly, gently bumping their noses together.

Billy returns the gentle nuzzle, staring into those chocolate buttons Steve calls his eyes as he recalls his day on campus, “S’fine,” he mutters, “Classes are just starting so it was mostly syllabus stuff, easy shit.”

“Mm, lucky you,” Steve smirks, eyeing Billy’s lips, his want obvious.

“Yeah, lucky me,” Billy returns the smirk, watching Steve because he loves to and can.

A long beat of silence passes, the two of them wrapped up in one another, until Steve mutters, “Fucking kiss me already…”

“So demanding,” Billy chastises playfully as he closes the distance between them, pressing his mouth to Steve’s for a long kiss, giving him a few more in quick succession before pulling away and pulling his hands from Steve’s shirt and patting his ass again, “Go lay down, I’ll join you once the soup’s going.”

“Okay,” Steve murmurs happily, giving Billy another kiss before untangling himself from his boyfriend and going to do as he says.

When Billy follows him not five minutes later, he finds Steve sleeping.

He lets his pretty boy rest.

[st-eve-barnes]

You know that I'm no good (chapter 3)

(modern Aegon x Reader, modern Sihtric x Reader)

Summary: You want Sihtric. Aegon wants Skade. There's only one small problem: Sihtric and Skade are dating each other.

This chapter: You and Aegon start operation fake dating, and you finally officially meet Sihtric.

Warning for the entire series: 18+ for explicit language and smut. Angst/comfort/fluff. Fake dating and so much mutual pining. Mentions of depression/drinking/self harm.

This is an Aegon x Reader fic with a bit of Sihtric x Reader on the side. I've wanted to write a modern AU that combines The Last Kingdom and House of the dragon for a while now so here it is!

Word count: +2700

Read Chapter 1 and Chapter 2

***

All my fics are also on AO3

***

Summer may not be your favorite season but it was the best time to live in the city. There were festivals, evening markets, open air performances, food trucks, movies nights by the river and parties that went on until after sunrise. There was something to do every night and Aegon wanted to attend them all.

“Do you not have a job at all?” you texted him that Wednesday night after closing up the bookstore and walking back to your apartment.

“I’m a man of leisure,” he texted back with that sunglasses emoji, making you roll your eyes again.

“How fun for you!” you texted back and then your phone rang. It was Aegon.

“Hey, sweetie pie,” he teased,”Where are you?”

“On my way home from work, you know that thing us peasants need to actually make money and be able to afford things.”

He laughed,”Cute. Listen, there’s a party at Jace’s place tonight, we should go.”

“I have work in the morning, Aegon.”

“Then we’ll make sure not to stay too long, come on, everyone will be there, this is our shot.”

You sighed,”I have to get home and I still have a bunch of emails to get through, and then I have to cook and shower and change and…”

“I’ll buy you dinner on the way there, my treat.”

You stayed quiet for a moment. He was right, if you wanted to go for it you couldn’t keep using work and being tired as an excuse to postpone the whole thing. You had to actually go for it, and what better time than right now?

“Give me a few hours to get ready,” you answered,”Where should I meet you?”

“I’ll come pick you up around nine.”

And with that he hung up.

***

Aegon Targaryen was strolling around in your small living room admiring your book shelves. It felt strange having him up here, the only people who frequently visited your home were your parents and Helaena. You hadn’t had a guy up here in ages.

“So, I like what you’ve not done with the place,” he remarked and gave you a cheeky smile.

“I don’t like cluttered spaces,” you said as if that explained why your apartment was pretty much a blank canvas. White walls, white kitchen and nothing but a standard green couch and small coffee table in the living room, the only things that made this space your own were some books, dvd’s and a few small plants. And you liked it that way.

Your apartment was a perfect metaphor for your live, empty but filled with so many possibilities.

“No, I like it,” Aegon said and he turned around when you stepped out of the kitchen.

“Is this okay?” you asked, giving him a twirl and showing off the white summer dress you had chosen to wear. 

He gave you a whistle, making you laugh.

“I thought…since you were in all white as well today we may as well coordinate, look like a real couple,” you explained.

“Good idea, you ready?”

You nodded but sighed,”I don’t know, maybe I need some more make up.”

“You don’t,” Aegon reassured you but you weren’t convinced, looking at yourself in the hallway mirror with doubt in your eyes.

Aegon was perceptive, as usual. He walked over to you and placed both hands on your shoulders, pushing you out in front of him and towards the mirror. You avoided your own reflection.“What are you doing?”

“Look,” he asked, firmly,”Look at yourself.”

You hesitantly did as he asked.

“What don’t you like?”

“Aegon,” you sighed.

“Work with me cause I’m not gonna let this go until you do and we’re already late. Look and tell me what bothers you.”

“Everything,” you sighed.

“That’s too easy,” he shook his head, not letting you off the hook that quickly,”Give me details.”

“I’m not skinny enough,” you then confessed, softly and your eyes met his in the mirror.

“That’s bullshit,” he moved his one hand down to your hip,”Don’t believe what stupid magazines and Instagram are telling you, your curves are absolutely perfect, trust me. I don’t know any guy who wouldn’t wanna tap that.”

“Um…thanks?”you gave him a confused look but couldn’t deny his words made you feel slightly better.

“What else?” he asked.

“My face,” you added.

“What’s wrong with your face?”

“I’m just…not pretty enough.”

There was no quick come back from Aegon this time, instead he just stared at you in the mirror.

“Who made you believe that, huh?” he then asked, a serious tone to his voice that surprised you.

You turned around to look at him,”Not one person in particular, just…I don’t know, I guess I’ve always felt a little insecure about the way I look compared to other girls. It comes and goes but lately…”

“You’re beautiful,” he interrupted you,”You must know that.”

You smiled but it didn’t reach your eyes,”You’re kind, and you can say that but…at the end of the day you’d still prefer a girl like Skade.”

He avoided your eyes and sighed,“Now that’s not fair.”

“Maybe not but it’s the way the world works, Aegon, we both know it. It’s fine,” you reassured him.

“Will you at least believe me when I say you look beautiful?”

“No,” you shook your head,”But I thank you for saying it anyway, for trying to make me feel better, that’s really sweet. Can we go now?”

***

The party at Jace’s house was already in full swing by the time you and Aegon arrived. There was a group of people in the swimming pool while others were sitting on the grass having some drinks and there was an improvised dance floor out on the terrace.

Heleana pulled you into a hug as soon as she noticed you guys, then she gave Aegon an annoyed look and a fake smile, which he returned with an even faker smile of his own and a little theatrical wave. You couldn’t help but laugh at them both.

“Come on,” she grinned,”Let’s get you drunk.”

She pulled you with her to the bar.

“Hey, don’t steal my girlfriend for too long!” Aegon yelled after you both.

Helaena ignored him as usual and moved behind the bar to grab you both some drinks. 

“You look stunning tonight, babe,” she complimented you with a smile.

“Not as stunning as you though,” you returned the compliment and accepted whatever alcoholic beverage she gave you.

“How are things with my idiot brother?” she then asked,”I gather you’re going to continue with the plan?”

She whispered those last words as if they would reveal what the big plan was, making you smile.

“Yes, we are, I’ve got nothing to lose, right?” you took a sip from your drink,”And Aegon’s kinda nice actually, he took me out for pizza before we came here.”

“Did he now?” Helaena quirked her eye brow.

“What?” you asked.

“Nothing, “she shrugged,”Just…be careful with him, alright? Remember what I told you.”

“I believe your words were he’s an unreliable whore.”

Helaena couldn’t help but snicker but she nodded her head.

“I know who he is, Hel, you don’t need to worry.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt. Promise me you’re not going to fall for him.”

You had to laugh at that.“Can you give me some credit here? It’s Aegon for Gods’ sake, besides he’s not my type, my type is the one we’re doing this all for, remember? And speaking of Sihtric, is he here tonight?”

“I may have seen him by the pool earlier,” she grinned,”Looking particularly good in nothing but his tiny swim shorts.”

“Are you serious?!” your eyes widened and Helaena laughed.

“No but your face was priceless,” she teased and you hit her arm.

“He’s here though,” she then reassured you,”But he is wearing pants and a shirt, sorry to disappoint.”

“And Skade?” you asked carefully.

“Haven’t seen her yet actually, but I’m sure she’ll arrive any time now.”

You both made your way over to the garden, finding Aegon by the snack table.

“I’m off to the dance floor,” Helaena excused herself,”I’ll leave you to your boyfriend.”

You waved her goodbye and tapped Aegon on the shoulder. His face lit up when he saw it was you.

“Hey, honeybun,” he grinned.

“Are you going to call me every pet name in the book?” 

“That’s the plan, you can do the same for me if you want, girlfriend.”

You rolled your eyes but smiled at him all the same. You just couldn’t help it, even when he was annoying he was kind of endearing as well.

“Wanna find a quiet spot to sit?” he suggested.

“Sure, idiot,” you joked and followed him towards the house, surprised when suddenly Aegon reached back for your hand. You placed your hand in his and allowed him to pull you with him. 

When you walked up the stairs towards the patio you passed by Sihtric and Skade, explaining why Aegon had chosen to hold your hand and activate the plan.

They weren’t kissing or hugging this time and when you walked by your eyes met with Sihtric’s. It was brief but it was enough to make you feel flustered. You couldn’t stop your lips from curling up into a smile. He had never even looked your way before and now there he was, staring right into your eyes. And he looked more beautiful than ever.

Aegon chose a spot not too far away from them, making sure you were both in their line of sight.

As you sat down next to him he placed his hand on the small of your back, rubbing it softly, sitting deliberately close to you as he started talking about the latest movie he watched. 

The conversation was meaningless and unimportant but he made it look like it was the most intimate chat imaginable, leaning closer to make it look like he was whispering into your ear while he explained the movie plot, then casually putting a few locks of hair behind your ear and caressing your cheek in the process.

His eyes sneaked a peak over your shoulder, a satisfied grin on his face when he noticed Skade looking back at him as well.

Aegon’s hands were making it difficult for you to focus and that warm feeling in the pit of your stomach was back. You liked how it felt when he touched you and it was confusing you a little. But this wasn’t about Aegon, it couldn’t be, you didn’t want him that way. You were just so touch starved any form of affection from a guy would probably make you feel better, it meant nothing.

When he leaned in and softly kissed your cheek you shivered.

“You alright?” Aegon checked.

“Hmm,” you nodded and then he leaned in again, nuzzling your cheek.

“Touch me,” he whispered against your skin.

You didn’t hesitate and placed your hands on his stomach while you leaned into him. Aegon wrapped both arms around you, pulling you into a soft hug. You melted into him so easily, his body warm and soft yet firm at the same time. His left hand moved into your hair, gently caressing your scalp while the other rubbed soft circles on your back. You sighed into the hug and you could feel him smile against your cheek.

He held you for what felt like forever and at the same time it didn’t feel like long enough.

You avoided his eyes when you finally leaned back, his hand still cupping your neck and then he placed a soft lingering kiss on your forehead. Your hands were still caressing his stomach and chest, you just couldn’t will yourself to stop and this time he was the one sighing happily into your touch, putting a smile on your face.

When you both leaned back it was your turn to look away and check if Sihtric had watched the whole thing. You couldn’t be sure but him and Skade seemed to be involved in their own intense conversation and neither of them looked very happy.

Aegon was looking at you out of the corner of his eye as he took a long sip from his drink. Neither of you spoke for a while and he didn’t touch you again right away.

The silence was adding to your confusion and then Aegon abruptly stood up,”I’ll go get us some more drinks.”

And with that he was gone, leaving you to sit by yourself. You waited for twenty minutes but he didn’t show and neither did those drinks. Tired of waiting you decided to head to the bar yourself, finding it empty and Aegon nowhere to be seen.

You sighed and opened the fridge behind the bar to find yourself a drink.

“Any more beers in there?”

The male voice made you look up and then your brain shut down completely.

Sihtric was standing right in front of you, a friendly smile on his beautiful face as he waited for you to answer.

It took an embarrassingly long time for you to find your words and get your mouth to function again.

“Sure,” you eventually managed and grabbed him a bottle from the fridge,”Here you go.”

Your hand was shaking a little as you gave it to him but either he didn’t notice or he chose to ignore it.

“Thanks,” he smiled,”I don’t think I’ve seen you around at these parties before?”

You had expected him to just take the beer and leave you to it but he was actually trying to start up a conversation with you and you were totally unprepared for this. 

“I’ve been to a few,” you answered truthfully, trying to sound casual,”Maybe we just missed each other. I’m Y/N.”

Sihtric reached out his hand to you,”I’m Sihtric. Nice to see you, Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you as well,” you shook his hand and gave him a sweet smile, trying not to focus too hard on how warm and big his hand felt around yours.

“So, you are Aegon’s girl?” he then asked.

The words sounded very surreal coming from the guy you’d been crushing on for so long but you managed to just nod your head and smile,”Yep, that’s me. You know Aegon?”

”No but Skade, my..um…girlfriend, used to know him.”

“I see,” you took a sip from your drink, not breaking eye contact with him and you noticed he did the same. He hadn’t looked away from you since you’d started talking. 

He was gorgeous up close like this. And even better than that, he was actually nice.

“Maybe we should double date some time,” he then suggested, keeping his eyes on you for a little while longer until he finally looked away,”I’ll see around, lady Y/N.”

He stepped away but not before giving you a small wink and another smile.

You were frozen on the spot. Lady Y/N? Was he flirting with you? That was flirting, right? You’d been out of the game for a long time but you couldn’t remember guys just winking at you and giving you nicknames, unless they wanted to date you.

You were pulled from your haze when Aegon grabbed your hand.

“Hey, princess,” he smiled,”Sorry, I ran into some friends and got side tracked, I see you managed to get that drink.”

“Oh, I managed to get a lot more,” you laughed.

“Like what?”

“Like an invite to a double date with Skade and Sihtric.”

Aegon almost choked on his drink,”For real?”

“That’s what he said,” you shrugged.

“Oh, this is good, this is really good! Well done, baby,” he kissed your cheek again, his lips lingering a little longer than necessary, making your stomach flutter, again.

Just like last time you ignored it. 

Because this wasn’t about Aegon. Whatever this thing with him was it would fade as soon as you could get closer to the real love of your life, Sihtric, not Helaena’s dumb brother Aegon, that would be completely ridiculous.

“Hey,” Aegon laced his fingers with yours and pulled you from your thoughts. Then he leaned in to put another sweet kiss on your temple. When he looked into your eyes afterwards his gaze was intense and darker than before, you couldn’t drag your eyes away from him. 

For a moment it looked like he was going to lean in and kiss you for real. And for a moment you really really wanted him to, which was of course completely ridiculous.

“Come on,” he then smiled,”Let’s get you another drink, sweetheart.”

[eddiessluttywaist]

desiderium

an eddie munson series

AGELESS/BLANK/UNDER 18 BLOGS ARE NOT WELCOME TO INTERACT. PLEASE RESPECT MY RULES AND BOUNDARIES.

summary: eddie’s odd, forgotten childhood friend seeks him out when he needs her more than he realizes.

pairing: bsf!mechanic!bartender!eddie x eccentric!bsf!fem!reader

word count: 6,118 words

content/warnings: eventual smut so MDNI, angst, fluff, swearing, loneliness, family issues, feeling unwanted, mentions of bullying, low self esteem, anxiety, mentions of inappropriate and abusive relationships from reader’s past (nothing detailed), mentions of relationships with an inappropriate age gap (adult men dating reader when she was still a teenager—nothing detailed), brief mentions of imprisonment, crying. i think that’s it!

a/n: sorry to say not all updates will be this quick 🫠 this is only ready now because i had already written a good chunk of it when i wrote part one. creds to whoever owns and posted those ^ photos! they’re not mine, i just made the collage!

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5

*

“How’d it go?” Martha pulled herself up to get a better look at you, hands on the inner edge of the service desk.

She probably thought with how much time had passed, that things went well. That you spent time with Eddie while he worked, talking when he wasn’t too focused on something else. Maybe you went out to eat and caught up—surely that was why you were returning now when you had left to see him around late morning. It definitely wasn’t because you drove off after he snapped at you and didn’t even give you a chance to defend yourself. A prank? Why would it have been a prank?

It certainly hadn’t been so long because you couldn’t stand the idea of facing her with tears in your eyes and a waver to your voice. Surely, you hadn’t been crying and chastising yourself in your car in some random parking lot until you felt you could be seen in the outside world again. There was no way you were showing up now because when you were on your way to get more greasy food, your car sputtered to a halt because you’re an idiot who had the engine running the entire time you were in that parking lot.

She imagined your afternoon spent with Eddie—not a few strangers who helped you push your car to the nearest gas station (which was thankfully rather close, your only bout of luck thus far). You didn’t need to stop to cry a second time in one day (this time with the car off) just so you could get it out of your system before going into the market on your way back. And by that point it wasn’t even about Eddie. Okay, maybe a little bit, but mostly just because you were so overwhelmed by how everything was going wrong.

She was sure during all that time that you had successfully reunited with your long lost friend. But then as you trudged over, you pointed to your temple.

“Always better up here, right?” you murmured, voice tired and your eyes still somewhat raw.

“Oh, dear…,” she sighed, reaching to pat your hands that were now settled on the ledge where guests were greeted.

“I don’t… I don’t really want to talk about it…,” you admit, and she gives your hands a small squeeze. She can’t help but notice the scent of salt and grease—you definitely had a bag with cheeseburgers and fries waiting for you, probably settled on the floor beside your feet so you weren’t leaving oily stains on her countertop.

Maybe it was ridiculous to be so upset. Stupid emotions. Stupid, stupid emotions that you should be able to control by now. Maybe it was because you let yourself get caught up in your hopes more than you thought and now you were left not just disappointed, but humiliated too.

“Oh, I got you this,” you continue after what you hoped was a forgettable dab to the corner of your eye with the knuckle of your right thumb. You pull your purse to the side to grab a small brown paper bag—one that didn’t have stains collecting on the bottom. “They didn’t have tuna, but I know you said you like turkey better than ham so…”

“You don’t need to keep bringing me food,” she reassured you with a sweet smile, as if it didn’t make her day whenever you did. She wasn’t used to such a kind young girl being around—someone who thought to get her something to eat or listened to her stories with all the respect and attentiveness that makes a person feel like they matter.

“It’s rude to show up with food for myself and not for you,” you argued gently while offering her a weak, closed mouth smile.

“You still don’t have to, though… Why don’t you go lie down, hm?” Martha patted at your hands again before sinking back into her seat. “Rest up a little. I’m here if you need to talk.”

*

As you laid alone in your bed that night with your hair still partially damp after a shower—memories of your childhood flooded in. You hated feeling so utterly lonely and rejected. It only made you think of growing up which always made you feel worse. It reminded you of being all by yourself at ages where you really should’ve had your parents around, or at least a babysitter.

They hadn’t been ready to have a kid, not really. The couple had been all wrapped up in the romanticism and fantasy of starting a family, and didn’t listen when other parents shared stories to hint at the fact that it’s not that easy. You wondered if that’s when they started to hate you. When you cried all night when they wanted to sleep or go bar hopping with friends. When you’d spit up on them; or suddenly have a shift in your sleeping habits just when they thought they had a grasp on them; or when you constantly grew out of those clothes they swore they just bought. You were a waste of time and money. They looked forward to you growing up more than anything so they could leave you in the house and eventually kick you out of it.

Once you were old enough to make a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal on your own, they abandoned you as much as possible. Sure, you could handle a peanut butter and jelly or a bowl of Cheerios—that didn’t mean you felt secure in the house all by yourself. At first you would leave all the lights on to give yourself some semblance of security, but then they yelled at you over an electric bill you didn’t understand. Then you’d have “accidents” just so they’d come home—whether that was slicing your finger while trying to cut your sandwich or because you fell or something else you thought of. You found comfort in them being around even if they were pissed at you for being the reason they had to come back early. Then they stopped coming home when you called them crying. Instead, they reassured you that you were old enough to clean your finger and put on a bandaid; or that the fall wasn’t that bad if you could get up and go to the phone in the kitchen. So that ended up being a lost cause.

The habit that stuck the longest was from that little magic 8 ball you got one birthday from an aunt you never saw. It actually listened to you and gave you the reassurance and guidance you needed. When you were scared of the dark, you’d whisper “Do monsters exist?” and it told you no. When you thought you heard someone in the house just because it was settling, you’d ask it if someone broke in and it helped ease your racing heart with the same reply. Besides Eddie, it was your only companion. That stupid hunk of plastic.

Hot tears that you assumed were all spent earlier today stream down from your eyes and into your hair as your train of thought turns to one memory in particular. That night you shook the child’s toy with all your might as you asked it if your parents loved you. This time the familiar phrase scratched into that floating blue triangle wasn’t so comforting.

It was a flash. A blurry replay from the back of your mind, but it still hit you hard. You wipe at your wet cheeks with the feverish haste of someone who was crying in front of a stranger. No one was in the room with you, but you still hated the way it felt. You should’ve never let any of those tears fall today—that’s what made them real. That’s what cemented how miserable you really were.

“Just look up at the sky and blink if you don’t want to.” Eddie had said as he sat next to you on the pavement.

He had been teaching you how to skate and you fell off of his board, leaving your knees and palms all scraped up and bloody. You wanted to cry, but you hated crying. It made you feel like a dumb kid. Mom and dad hate dumb, crybaby kids. You should be able to control your emotions better than this by now.

“If they don’t slip out then they’re not real. They never happened, I promise.” The boy lisped around the gap in his teeth. He had lost his last baby tooth earlier that week. He was all grown up, you guessed.

“But what about when I can’t keep them in?” You whimpered, unsure if you’d be able to blink them back the way he suggested. The boy toyed with a piece of gravel between his fingers and shrugged lazily.

“I dunno. Just wipe ‘em away, I guess. I don’t have any tissues, but you can use my sleeve if you wanna.”

He pulled his long sleeve down until it was over his hand and offered his covered fist to you.

You huffed out a broken laugh at the memory and pulled your own sleeve down to continue wiping at your face. God, you missed him. He was your first best friend, and honestly your last. You had never felt that close with anyone else, and sure it was dumb because you were only kids but it still meant a lot to you. He was who you went to when you didn’t want to stay in an empty house, and even though most parents would throw a fit over a girl and a boy having sleepovers—yours couldn’t care less. At least someone else was in charge of you, even if it was Eddie’s dad who they thought was shit for reasons you didn’t understand.

He was a kind of intimidating looking character and sometimes he insisted you two stay at the local park until he came to get you when he had some friends on their way over (which you realized the implications of later), but he was a nice dad. You were around so often that he’d call you “kiddo” and ruffle your hair the way he did with Eddie’s buzzed scalp—which was more grabbing the fuzzy top of his head and nudging him around playfully than really ruffling hair. He knew you didn’t like crust on your sandwiches. He knew you liked strawberry milk more than chocolate milk, which Eddie appreciated cause it meant more chocolate Yoo-hoo for him. His dad was relatively busy and a little intense, but you liked him and you liked staying over.

Even at 24, you missed blanket forts. You missed making up stories under all the blankets and sheets as you held flashlights under your faces. You missed “camping” in the backyard. You missed wrestling. You missed watching tv until the American flag was fluttering and the national anthem played until the screen faded to black. You missed the anticipation of trying to see who was faster at turning off the tv before the screen flipped to those streaks of color and let out that god awful noise. You took turns to see who could get the closest to right when it was about to switch but before that noise could sound. You had the best score before he left.

You smiled lightly now as you settled into the bed, face still warm from all your distress of the day. Despite Eddie being part of why you had been crying in the first place, you still turned to memories of him to calm yourself down. You thought about when you were sure he’d be your first kiss—a decision you had made unfortunately a few weeks before he left. This was the kind of childish memory that made you roll your eyes, but deep down it actually made life simpler and sweeter so you still cozied up to it whenever you remembered. Reminiscing about when those kinds of things were new and exciting—without the burden of knowing all the mess that eventually comes with endearment—soothed you.

At the time, you were steadily approaching adolescence and starting to pay attention to romance novels and tv programs. It made having a boy as your best friend suddenly feel different in your stupid little prepubescent brain. The same shit he always did started to make you go shy and blush, and he’d nudge you and call you a “fuckin’ dork”. He was still in his “girls are gross” phase whereas you were already forming crushes. You developed crushes just about every day by the time you were in fifth grade, but you liked your best friend the most.

It’s funny actually—or maybe just sad—but you still had a habit of constantly forming crushes. The thought of being desired by someone thrilled you, but that love for attention put you in shitty situations sometimes. No one even liked you until you were maturing in a way that felt so much sooner and so much faster than the other girls by grade 6. Maybe that should’ve been the tell that the sudden interest in you was hollow, but it made you feel special. You kinda liked knowing boys fixated on you even if they were mimicking lewd comments they overheard their older brothers say or wrote about you in the boy’s bathroom—no matter how much you hated yourself for secretly basking in all of the attention.

It wasn’t always dumb boys in middle school, though, even if it would’ve been nice for things to be that basic forever. Eventually it was guys who were too old for you when you were in your late teens. The types who’d say shit like “That’s what you gotta love about high school girls. You get older, and they stay the same age,” and made you feel like you were grown and capable—when it benefited them, of course.

The nights you regretted getting wrapped up in the excitement of an older man or someone you had never met before at a bar or someone who had a bad habit of punching holes into walls awfully close to where your head was against the plaster—you thought about Eddie. You wondered if he grew up to be as awful as all the other boys you knew. If he turned into a creep or if he was the same, sweet boy who—sure, would hold you down and pretend he was gonna spit on you—but had also been taught to hold the door open for you or gave you a flower on your birthday or held your hands when he taught you to skate, promising that he wouldn’t let you fall. Well, except for when you insisted you were ready to do it by yourself. Then he said “Okay, but if you fall on your ass then you don’t get to yell at me.” And you didn’t yell, but he gave you his sleeve if you needed to cry.

There were parents who disappointed. Extended family you rarely heard from. Friends that came and went. Boyfriends who broke your heart, but best friends were forever in your mind. Wasn’t that why you made those bracelets and spit into your palms before shaking on the decision that you were always going to be there for each other?

*

Eddie’s shift dragged along after that strange young woman showed up. He knew his reputation. He knew that he was the butt of most jokes. He knew he was the town freak even when he had finally graduated and was trying to be a responsible adult. There would always be a few who remained unrelenting in their efforts to make him miserable, or at least that’s how it felt. And it wasn’t like you were someone he recognized as guilty for his constant harassment, but it wouldn’t be the first time some local asshole’s cousin or friend came to visit and was put up to the task of making him feel liked just for it to be some cruel punchline. He was tired of the jokes and the pranks and the muttered comments as people watched his every move. He needed to stay one step ahead or he’d be dealing with it forever. Why else would you pull him away from the back just to talk to him? He didn’t even know you. The frustration burned at him through most of his shift, which he took out on all the exertion he had to put into fixing that crappy Ford Ranch Wagon. He prayed that he would finally sleep tonight, the thought of a hot shower and an old bed waiting for him steadily bringing his mood back up.

Eddie sighed happily when it was time to clock out, holding the door open for Linda on her way out so she could lock up for the two of them.

“Night, Lin,” he sighed with a small smile that spoke of apologies for his constant grouchiness, and parted from her to head to his van.

“Oh, wait!” she suddenly called out, making him raise his brows and twist on his heels. He watched her make her way over to him all while holding something out for him.

“This was left for you by that odd girl who came by.”

At the mention of you, he scowled a little—certain it was a continuation of some joke, until he felt the plastic beads strung together on some string.

“Uh… thanks.”

“She looked real upset. All teary-eyed. Did you break up with that poor girl?”

“What?” Eddie’s head snapped up to eye her incredulously. “I—No! I don’t even recognize her. I don’t think we’ve even met before.”

Lin eyed him suspiciously before letting out a small hum. Men, she thought, although Eddie had always been a good kid, in her opinion—no matter what others said.

“Really, I swear.”

“Okay, hon… well go get some rest, alright?”

He hoped the same for her, and walked back to his car once she was safe in her vehicle and driving off. Eddie clambered into his old van and carelessly punched the button that turned on the light above his head. The bracelet in his hand was small and crowded with an odd assortment of different shaped and colored beads except for seven of the nearly identical beads that were lined up in the center. At both ends there were knots in the thick string to keep the beads from slipping off and had tails left on either side so you could tie and untie the bracelet whenever. Not that you two ever did untie them. The only time you took yours off was when you went swimming at the community pool and were scared you were going to lose it—and that didn’t count. You both promised it didn’t count cause you were just avoiding disaster.

He held it up to get a better look and read the lettering on those seven beads.

C-R-I-T-T-E-R

Critter. Eddie’s brows furrowed together and confusion was only welcome for half a second—maybe even less—before a pang of familiarity punched him in the gut.

“You’re doing it wrong!”

“How can I be doing it wrong? Will you screw off?”

“Eddie, you have to make a pretty pattern of colors, not just random mish-mash. See?”

You held up the bracelet you were working on for him with a pattern of his favorite colors: red bead, blue bead, black bead, red bead… and so on. His was just whatever bead he grabbed that he thought looked cool since you had so many to choose from. There were bulky wooden ones; those tiny little rainbow ones your mom let you have when her long necklace full of them broke (she didn’t want to clean them up so she promised you could keep them if you did); sunburst ones; chunky square ones that had letters and numbers on them; tribeads that were half in and half out of that thin plastic Beadery bag in your collection; and those dumb pop beads that he couldn’t even put on the string but of course kept picking up by accident.

“Screw off,” He insisted a second time and you rolled your eyes before continuing with your craft.

For all the shit you gave him, you loved the bracelet. Once it was done and he gave it to you, it was officially the most beautiful piece of jewelry you owned. You had insisted you two trade the bracelets like you heard the other girls in your grade talk about. You had to make them for each other rather than make your own and you had to tie them around the other’s wrist while they closed their eyes and made a wish.

Some of the boys in school gave him shit for it, calling him names for wearing jewelry he got from the girl in the grade below them. He didn’t care though. After all, Eddie wasn’t one to change himself for the sake of fitting in and he loved his bracelet.

He laughed a bit in disbelief now as he looked down at the bracelet he made for you back in 1975. You remembered him? God, he hadn’t thought of you in forever. Not to be an ass, but because it got too painful.

Among all of the stress that night his dad was arrested, he had been so overwhelmed that he completely shutdown. He was quiet and his expression was numb as he answered questions and packed his things. He was apprehensive and apathetic when he was brought to his uncle he rarely saw, but he didn’t cry. And he never told anyone this, but he never cried until a random thought of not seeing his best friend anymore suddenly set him off while he was trying to sleep. That was what made him realize the reality of everything that occurred. He didn’t have his home anymore. He didn’t have his dad. He didn’t have anything other than a new guardian and a trailer with one bedroom that Wayne had to pull all of his stuff out of so Eddie could have it. And he didn’t have you.

He brought you up a few times, but eventually stopped when he realized how stressed Wayne got over the mention of a trip into Ohio. A trip that meant dipping into his funds—that were already starting to run spectacularly low now that he was responsible for an 11 year old—for the gas money and probably a fee at the state line. Likely a motel room too, if your parents didn’t let them stay at the house.

How did he not recognize you? The more he thought over your interaction, the more he recognized your eyes and the shape of your nose and the curve of your lips even if they were fuller now. Little things here and there that even as an adult made it easier to see the bits and pieces of how you used to look. Here he’s been sulking in all his misery and loneliness, and he had completely scared off the chance to have an old best friend back. And Linda said you had tears in your eyes?

Eddie groaned as he let his head sink forward and rest on the center of his steering wheel. He didn’t even care about the horn that permeated the still night around him as self deprecating thoughts swirled before finally letting up on the button. This groan wasn’t a useless cry to the sky over the state of his life like the others so far, but rather a display of anger at himself for being such a dick. And he couldn’t even fix it. He didn’t have your phone number. He didn’t know where you were staying, if you were even staying. Did you move here? Were you just driving through the state and thought to drop by? Maybe have lunch and catch up before leaving again?

Why did he always have to fuck everything up?

*

You spent a good portion of your weekend sulking until Martha dragged you out on Sunday. You had been eating all the food you brought with you alone in your room and only went outside when you craved your bad habit enough.

“This has to be a violation of a paying customer’s privacy…,” you groaned as you rolled over and shoved your face into your pillow to avoid the light coming in full force from the windows. Martha had unlocked your door and came in to throw the curtains open to pull you out of your post-humiliation funk.

“It’s a beautiful morning. We’re going on a walk to take it all in and I’m taking you to that diner I keep telling you about.”

“I could’ve been naked. What if you came charging in here and I was laying here naked? Neither of us would’ve recovered. And our friendship would be ruined.”

“Oh don’t be so childish,” Martha huffed, hands on her hips. For an older woman she sure could be spritely when she wanted to be—whipping around your room the way she had been and insisting on a journey into the outdoors.

“It’s too cold.”

“Not when we start moving. It’s not even Autumn yet.”

“Technically the first day of Fall has already passed,” you corrected, still face planting your pillow and raising your hand up as you made your point before dropping it back down.

“Well the cold hasn’t reached us yet. I think you’ll survive. Come on, dear, it’ll be good for you. Good for both of us. I’m always cooped up at that desk.”

You sigh, but stay in your bed with all your plans set on sulking until the end of time. Until you were a pile of dust she was vacuuming up so she could get the room ready for someone else. Maybe you were being a tad dramatic, but you still felt that way.

“You want me to wake you up the way Howard did with our daughter? When she wouldn’t get up for high school?”

Now groaning at the thought of that cup of ice cold water trick she told you about, you huff and you finally force yourself up.

Despite your initial refusal to get out of bed, you were glad that Martha made you. It really was a wonderful morning and the smell of fresh air and the sound of the occasional leaf crunching under your feet refreshed you. Even with how deeply you despised being lonely, you had a habit of isolating yourself when you were upset and it could be quite destructive at times when you didn’t have someone to pull you back out of it. She didn’t even force you to discuss Thursday, just kept up casual chit chat like always.

And even if that walk hadn’t been enough to begin lifting your spirits, the food at the diner certainly would’ve done the trick all on its own. It wasn’t the prettiest joint around, but the breakfast was phenomenal. You wondered if she picked up on the fact that food and eating with others was a part of your love language. Being introduced to such an amazing local restaurant that clearly meant a lot to her soothed your aches of rejection and mortification.

Both aspects of the morning Martha forced you to take part in actually helped to improve your mood. What happened still stung but it was less “end of the world” and a little more “bump in the road.” With the fresh air, breakfast food and Martha’s pep talks—you were thinking of your next couple of steps forward rather than all the doom and gloom. You’d attempt to quit all the fast food that only left you more sluggish, and start finding other things to pay attention to. You weren’t giving up on Eddie, but you had to focus on your other needs again. This meant getting out of bed. Eating something other than cheeseburgers and fries, promising Martha you’d get other food Monday.

Well, maybe not Monday. You may have caved again, but you swore the next day. So on that following Tuesday night, you were at the market to pick up some things for you and Martha. There was a small fridge and a cabinet in your room that you could keep things in, and you offered to pick up anything she needed while you were out.

Peanut butter for you, cans of soup for her—oh, actually soup sounded good. With your sudden craving, you grabbed a few more cans. Milk for both of you, as well as cereal. Microwave meals for you, sardines for her—

Oh gross, sardines?

—Could you even stay friends at this revelation? You supposed you could since she let you bother her even with your fast food she couldn’t stand. But this fact wasn’t going anywhere. You were going to give her your best, most dramatic yuck when you gave her her groceries and you would have to insist that she never eats them where you can smell them.

You moved on through the list, and pushed your cart that fought you every step of the way to the bread and baked goods aisle. Why did you always get the cart with the squeaky wheel? The one that stuck every now and then and dragged against the linoleum before finally returning to a squealing roll? Bad luck, you supposed.

Once you were in the aisle, you double checked what brand she requested before letting out a sigh. Of course they were the loaves that were neatly stacked on the top shelf. Notepad paper crushed between your hand and the shelf you were using for support, you stretched up onto your tiptoes as best as you could to grab for one. You could easily grab the pinched end of one and just tug, but you didn’t want to accidentally squish any of them or make any of the others go tumbling. You’re about to step on the bottom shelf when suddenly a hand much larger than yours littered with heavy rings was grabbing it either from you like a dick or for you like a gentleman.

“Still short, huh?” You heard the rough, tired voice say from beside you.

You settled back on your feet and glanced at the man holding out the loaf of bread for you. He was in those dirty coveralls again with the sleeves rolled up, clearly from when he had taken the time to clean his hands and forearms before leaving his shift. His hair was out of its ponytail now so you could see it in all of its chaotic glory. As you accepted his kindness for Martha’s sake, you did your best to tamper your reaction to him being here. Whether it was any excitement over him possibly trying to fix things; or if it was intrigue over how his hair got so long and the fact that he had tattoos now; or if it was irritation leftover from how he treated you last Thursday. Had you still been familiar with one another, and this had been a small spat between friends, you probably would’ve just punched his arm.

“What? Come to yell at me some more?” You mutter. Okay so trying to keep a neutral stance wasn’t going very well.

You hear him exhale a quick sigh at your words and the way you refused to look at him. You had one elbow leaning against your cart now while you put all your focus on toying with the piece of paper in your hands. Folding and unfolding, smoothing out creases, lining up the edges of the paper and fixing the previous fold so everything fits better.

“No,” he replied in a defeated tone, but you still weren’t looking at him. “‘N I’m sorry about that, okay? Just wasn’t expecting it, and it’s not like you’re 9 anymore.”

“So I’m guessing you recognize me now?”

“A little, yeah,” He tried to be playful, a small smile tugging on his features until you looked up at him with that sad expression and he was deflated again. “Joke. Bad joke, I- of course I recognize you, Critter.”

You failed in your attempt to not smile at the nickname you hadn’t heard in far too long, making Eddie straighten out his posture again at the sight of your lips curving up.

“You still don’t have a poker face. That right there?” He points at your smile, while his own pulled at his lips “That’s how I won all of your best candy bars on Halloween.”

“You never really kept them from me,” You countered, head tilting back to fully look up at him now and your smile a little more sure.

“Of course not. Cause I’m a sucker and you can get whatever you want with a pout,” He laughed and you grew bashful as your cheeks flushed, ducking your head back down to try and hide it.

“Here,” Eddie sighed after a beat, digging into his pocket and pulling out a bracelet to drop in your palm.

Figuring he was returning yours to you, you were confused when you didn’t see your usual mix of beads. Your brows stayed knit together until you recognized those red, blue and black beads and the nickname in the center. Your features softened as you held out your hand for him to drop it into.

L-O-O-G-I-E

“You kept it…?” you murmured as you stared at the plastic bracelet like it’s treasure, before looking up at him again while your fingers brushed over the beads.

“Obviously,” he replied bluntly, pointing at it.

“Completely tore my place apart to find it so I could prove it, too. Not that my place is the neatest to start with, but…,” he let out a light laugh, head tilting and lazy smile tugging at one side of his mouth. He still smiled the same.

You eyed him for a moment, then returned your focus to the old jewelry. You felt oddly reserved with him after his initial reaction to your appearance at his work, and all the time you spent apart. You never had to work up the courage to speak to him before, or think about what to say or how to say it.

“10.”

“…Hm?”

“I was 10 years old. You said I wasn’t exactly 9 anymore, but it was actually a few weeks out from my birthday when you had to leave.”

“I guess that’s true, huh?” Eddie sighed, crossing his arms over his chest.

Why were his arms so fit? And veiny? And why do you have to tilt your head back to see his face now? Ugh, you’re starting to feel like that young girl who read her first romance novel and was developing her first crushes.

“Yeah…,” you say simply, fearing you’ll make a fool of yourself if you try to say more.

“I’m sorry that all happened around your birthday.”

He was so sincere when he said it, but it made your eyes grow wide as you looked up at his face again.

“Oh god– no. No, no, no. Don’t apologize. That’s not how I meant that at all. You-- that wasn’t your fault. And it was worse for you than it was for me, for obvious reasons.”

“Yeah, with the convict dad and all. But it’s a real shame…,” he sighs with feigned disappointment. “Y’know… that you couldn’t kiss me on your birthday.”

That evil grin sunk his dimples into his cheeks and he sucked on his teeth while he clasped his hands behind his back. Your eyes might as well have been popping out of your skull at this point, your whole face heating up.

“I— you— how— oh, you dick!” you gasp at the revelation through all of your sputtering and punch his shoulder without even thinking, and certainly not noticing the elderly woman who huffed at your unladylike behavior before scuttling away. “You read my diary!”

“Yeah, well, you really should’ve gotten the kind that came with a lock.”

“So you don’t recognize me, but you remember a journal entry you shouldn’t have read? Great, that’s great, Eddie.”

You were turning around now, starting to push your cart towards the other end of the aisle. Roll. Squeak. Maybe it was time to head back to Ohio? Maybe you didn’t need such an obnoxious little shit back in your life. Drag. Roll. Squeak.

“I said I was sorry for not recognizing you,” he groaned and followed after you. “How much groveling am I gonna have to do?”

Oh, plenty. Plenty of groveling.

*

taglist: @mystars123 @h-ness1944 @ohmeg @milkymil-k

@eddiesprincess86

[dilly-oh]

Crush

“Kakashi, for fuck’s sake, it’s your turn,” Asuma growled around his cigarette, holding out the report as they stood in the hallway outside the mission office. “It was your turn the last ten turns. You ain’t squirrelin’ outta this shit again.”

“I need to go water my plants,” Kakashi said, slithering away from the others as he tried to make a quick getaway. Genma stepped to the side, blocking his path.

“Come on, man. That cute Chunin with the ponytail is at the desk. You know, the one you have a crush on?”

Kakashi froze in the act of levering the nearby window open, snapping around to give Genma a look of pure outrage.

“Excuse me?”

“You. Chunin. Crush,” Genma repeated slowly.

“What am I, fucking five?” Kakashi narrowed his visible eye. “I’m a grown-ass man who kills people for a living. I’m feared throughout all the nations as Sharingan Kakashi. I’m a fucking legend. I don’t get crushes.” He paused. “And even if I did have one on him, how would you even know?” Genma shrugged.

“Cuz you’re always walking into walls and shit whenever you’re near him.”

“I do NOT-” Kakashi began, then promptly kicked over the wastebin next to the door, scattering trash all over the floor. Literally everyone in the mission room snapped around and stared at him accusingly.

Even the Chunin. Who was, admittedly, very cute.

“You’d better clean that up,” he said, his tone that of a disapproving teacher about to mete out punishment to an unruly student.

Okay he wasn’t that cute.

…Godammit yes he was.

Kakashi hurriedly shoved all the trash back into the bin, slapped Asuma in the face with the report, and bolted out the window.

---

It kept happening.

Kakashi was just minding his own business, buying groceries at the local market (because even trained killers needed to eat) when he saw the Chunin fondling some melons, and suddenly the pyramid of eggplants he’d been perusing had collapsed, a wave of them tumbling down and rolling all over the floor in a vegetable tsunami. The store manager started shouting and Kakashi decided he’d just order takeout as he slipped out the back exit.

At the laundromat, he caught sight of the Chunin folding his tighty-whiteys and somehow mismeasured the appropriate amount of laundry soap, resulting in the washing machine foaming itself to death like a rabid dog. Kakashi had to put it down with a Chidori and then escape through a window amidst the ensuing chaos.

He knocked down an entire shelf at the library when he saw the other man bending over to reach a low book. He quickly teleported out of there before the man could turn around and see him standing ankle-deep in porn.

Late one night, he was leaping along the rooftops and spotted the Chunin at an outdoor restaurant, seated at a table with friends, head thrown back in raucous laughter. Kakashi sailed through the air, eyes glued to the sight, so he didn’t see the billboard until it was too late.

It couldn’t go on like this.

---

“Okay you might have a point,” Kakashi said. Genma gave a snort.

“Of course I do.”

“I don’t even know his name-”

“Iruka.”

“Iruka? Oh GOD, even his name is fucking adorable.” Kakashi covered his face with his hands and took a deep, calming breath. “…Who else knows?”

“Everyone, Kakashi,” Genma said flatly. “Everyone knows. Even the Hokage knows.”

“Alright then.” Kakashi straightened with a determined air. “It seems pretty obvious what I need to do.” Genma stared at him for a long moment, chewing on his senbon.

“…Actually talk to the man and have a heartful confession about your true feelings?”

“Fuck no. Avoid him for the rest of my life.”

“Oh thank God I thought you were gonna say ‘kill him’.”

“Maybe I should start avoiding you, too.” Kakashi narrowed his eyes. “My plan will work, just you wait. I’m not called a genius for nothing.”

---

“Kakashi, meet your new mission partner,” the Sandaime said, standing in the doorway of his office and patting Iruka proudly on the shoulder.

Kakashi nearly spit out his tea. Through his mask.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” he choked out. This mission debriefing had gone to shit, and he’d been sitting there all of five seconds. The Sandaime frowned at him, wrinkles deepening with displeasure.

“I will not have you looking down on young Iruka here simply because he’s a Chunin,” he said firmly, taking a seat at his desk. “What he lacks in experience he more than makes up with sheer determination. He will be a great asset for this two-man mission and I hand-picked him for exactly that reason.”

“Understood,” Kakashi said, switching to mission mode in the vain attempt it would help distract from the overwhelming presence of the other man. It didn’t. Iruka took a seat right next to him, their thighs so close Kakashi could almost feel his body heat. He pushed his chair away a few inches for some breathing room and knocked over a potted plant.

“You two will be travelling deep into the Forest of Death,” the Hokage explained. Kakashi hid a wince. The Forest of Death has worsened over the years, rotting from the inside like a fruit gone bad. It had devolved into a festering jungle filled with mutated beasts that would messily devour their bodies and environmental hazards that would devour their chakra. But as long as they were careful-

Iruka crossed his legs and Kakashi bumped a pile of papers off the Hokage’s desk.

Yeah, they were in trouble.

“Your mission consists of two parts,” the Hokage went on. “The first is to reach these coordinates.” He handed the pair a scrap of paper with a set of numbers scribbled on it. “The second part is in this.” He held out a small, innocuous scroll. “It contains special instructions, only to be read once you’ve reached the site. Not before. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” Kakashi said with grim resignation as he accepted the scroll and tucked it safely away. He just needed to get through this mission as fast as humanly possible, then he could go back to smothering his emotions under a metaphorical pillow. It would just be a few hours. He could DO this.

“I’m looking forward to working with you,” Iruka said, giving him a dazzling smile.

Kakashi spilled his cup of tea all over his lap.

…It was going to be a long mission.

---

The trek through the Forest of Death lived up to its name. It was a long, arduous journey through the dark, twisted woods, fraught with danger at every turn. Kakashi was on edge, painfully aware that, with one misstep, nearly everything in the jungle, plant and animal included, was capable of killing him at a moment’s notice.

That is, if Iruka didn’t kill him first.

Kakashi fell on an anthill and suffered a dozen venomous stings when the man decided to adjust his ponytail.

He walked into a tree and was nearly strangled by sentient vines when Iruka wiped his mouth after taking a drink from his canteen.

Kakashi tripped onto a patch of brambles which started actively draining his blood when Iruka raised an arm to wipe his brow and his shirt rode up.

And that was only in the first hour.

Iruka himself was an ideal companion. He followed Kakashi’s lead without question, trusting his judgement and experience with nothing but polite obedience, even attempting to start up a conversation once or twice. After Kakashi bit his tongue trying to reply, he took to ignoring the other man, who quickly caught on and fell into a sullen silence.

I can’t take much more of this, Kakashi thought to himself darkly as he slogged through the mud hours later. Every inch of his body ached, multiple wounds stinging and burning. Or maybe that was just the leeches. Konoha’s about to have a Missing-Nin if we don’t get there soon-

“I think…I think we’ve arrived,” Iruka cut in, checking his compass and studying his map. “Yes, these should be the correct coordinates. We’re here.”

Thank fuck. The nightmare was nearly over. Kakashi slipped the scroll out of his pocket and unrolled it. The orders contained within were rather short and simple. A single sentence. Four words, actually.

Ask him out already.

Kakashi stared at the message for a full ten seconds, then promptly set it alight with a Katon.

"What the fuck!” Iruka cried.

“Meant for my eyes only.” Kakashi stamped on the ashes, grinding them into the dirt. “I was to burn it after reading to leave no evidence.”

“Oh, well, I guess that means it’s my turn to read this one,” Iruka said, pulling out a second scroll from his pack. Kakashi hurriedly snatched it away and ripped it open, scanning the contents.

Pussy.

Kakashi burned that one, too.

“Seriously, what the fuck!” Iruka cried louder.

“Mission’s done, we’re heading home,” Kakashi stated, then turned and took a step.

And promptly sank up to his thigh in the suddenly soupy ground.

…Oh fuck.

“Don’t move!” Iruka shouted in warning. “It’s quicksand.”

“No shit,” Kakashi snapped out, then quickly shut up as he sank to his waist. He went perfectly still, arms out to keep himself afloat in case he sank further. “Calm down, I’m fine.” He closed his eyes, concentrating as he released a flare of chakra to push him free of the mire. The quicksand quickly gobbled up. “…Okay, maybe panic a little, I’m not fine.” The quicksand seemed to have developed a taste, and was now steadily devouring his chakra with a voracious appetite. “Okay, panic a lot. It’s draining my chakra.”

“Damn, hold on.” Iruka started rifling through his pack and pulled out a coil of rope. “Here, we’ll use this to get you out- actually wait, I think you’re close enough for me to reach out and grab you. Quick, give me your hand-”

Iruka stuck out his hand. Kakashi’s stomach did a little flip.

“Fuck no, I’m not touching you. Throw the rope.”

“What is your problem with me?” Iruka demanded. “I hardly know you and you already hate me.”

“I do not hate you,” Kakashi ground out through gritted teeth. “Throw the damn rope.”

“Not until you tell me what your deal is.”

“There is no deal.”

“Bullshit! You’ve been cold and distant this entire time. You’ve barely spoken a single word to me in hours. The fuck did I DO?”

“Nothing. Throw. The ROPE.”

“Tell me why you’re being such an asshole to me!”

“Because I fucking LIKE you, okay?!” Kakashi finally exploded. The background noise of the forest fell silent at the sudden outburst. Iruka just stared at him.

“…What?”

Kakashi tried to stem the flow of words, but they all came spewing out in a rush like verbal diarrhea.

“I keep walking into walls and knocking over shit and it’s all because of YOU and your dumb FACE and perky ponytail and that fucking dorky way you tuck in your pants-”

“What’s wrong with the way I tuck in my pants-”

“-because I have a stupid fucking CRUSH on you!!”

“God, what are you, five?!” Iruka shouted back. “Why can’t you just say you wanna fuck me like an adult?”

Kakashi gaped at him, flabbergasted.

“ExCUSE me?”

“Admit it. You want me.” Iruka crossed his arms, looking him up and down. “I don’t really get why, though. I’m always yelling at you in the mission room. You got some sort of humiliation kink?”

“Okay, you know what, you can just leave me here-”

“Don’t act like you’re not a pervert,” Iruka snorted. “I’ve seen the kind of shit you read.”

“That’s not the same!! It’s a book, not real life!” Kakashi argued. “Just because I read it doesn’t mean- I would never- look, my dad taught me to be a gentleman, alright?!”

Iruka studied him for a long moment, then tossed him the rope. Kakashi sighed in relief and grabbed it.

“…So we’re not gonna screw after I pull you out?” Iruka asked teasingly. “Not even get a bit handsy? Make out a little?”

“Of course not!” Kakashi squeaked out. “What kind of guy do you think I am?!”

Iruka broke into a huge grin.

“Oh my God, you’re adorable.”

Kakashi let go of the rope.

“Hey!” Iruka hurriedly reeled in the rope, then tossed it out again. It slapped Kakashi square between the eyes, but he didn’t even flinch. “Kakashi. Please take the rope. I don’t wanna have to file the paperwork. There’s, like, ten different forms.” He still didn’t move. “Please.” He just glared. “…Take the rope or I start taking my clothes off.”

Kakashi seized the rope in a death grip and didn’t let go until he was back on solid ground, chakra-depleted but alive. His legs were a bit shaky as he stood, and he was covered in thick, viscous mud from feet to armpits, not to mention the squelching noises every time he took a step.

“Okay, honestly, I’m a little insulted you grabbed on so fast,” Iruka said. “Are you sure you have a crush on me?”

“Will you stop talking about-” Kakashi went to pick up his canteen and accidently punted it into the quicksand. “MotherFUCK-”

“Yeah, okay, I see it now.”

“Look,” Kakashi said wearily, almost dragging a hand down his face before remembering it was coated in mud, “I just want to forget this whole mission ever happened, alright?” Iruka gave him a mischievous smirk.

“You sure you don’t wanna just bone?”

“Bone? BONNNNE?!” Kakashi repeated incredulously. “In a monster-infested jungle?”

“But I brought protection,” Iruka said, then held up a kunai. Kakashi refused to laugh, even though it was funny.

“Forget it,” he snapped. “A mosquito will probably fly up my dick and make it rot off.”

“Don’t worry, I’d suck it out.”

“Okay we are LEAVING-”

“Wanna hold hands while we walk?”

“Correction, I am LEAVING-”

"I’m serious, actually,” Iruka said, holding out his hand invitingly. Kakashi froze, staring at the proffered appendage like it was a bear-trap ready to spring. His stomach did another flip. “Come on, please? I don’t bite.”

Kakashi knew Iruka was just teasing, poking at the embarrassed Jounin with a stick to get a laugh.

Fine. Two could play at that game.

He reached out and took Iruka’s hand, their fingers twining together like old friends.

“…Unless you ask me nicely.”

Kakashi tried to yank his hand away but Iruka refused to let go, so he just reeled him in like a prize catch. Their chests bumped together, and he caught a whiff of the other man, a deep, woodsy scent that sent a shiver down his spine. He froze again as Iruka looked up at him, studying him with those big brown eyes that were not nearly as innocent as they looked.

“You know,” Iruka purred, leaning in even closer, “if you asked me right now…I might say yes.”

Kakashi gulped, throat suddenly dry. He wavered for a moment, uncertainty twisting his guts, then gathered his courage and barged forward.

“Umino Iruka,” he said tremulously, “would…you like…to go out with me sometime?”

Iruka gave him a blank stare.

“…Yeah that’s totally what I meant.”

“Oh my GOD-” Kakshi started to walk away.

“I’m kidding.” Iruka pulled him back, laughing. “Honestly, I’ve had worse first dates.” He looked at Kakashi and cocked his head appraisingly, a gentle smile chasing away the devilish one. “You’re very sweet. It’s refreshing, really. I’m so used to dudes just jumping straight to sex. It’s nice to meet a guy who actually wants to get to know me.”

Kakashi’s cheeks burned beneath his mask. Because it was true. He did want to get to know Iruka, and now he had the prime opportunity. Everything had already been laid bare, all the embarrassing bits hung out to dry. It’s not like it could get any worse.

“Now, let’s get you outta those muddy clothes.”

On second thought, maybe it could.

-End-

Written for @kakairu-rocks KakaIru Valentine's Week 2024, Day 3 Prompts: Crushes and Idiots in Love.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Special Interest 5

Warnings: non/dubcon, age gap, creep behaviour, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

Characters: Cole Turner, short!reader

Part of the Bookstore AU

Note: this one is a bit longer than I anticipated!

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

“Hmm, I don’t know Camila,” Cole picks out the washer, “I don’t think this will fix the problem. Sounds like a different issue than the pipe.”

“Yes, well, my husband said to get this,” she ho-hums, “thanks so much for helping me find this.”

“No problem,” He grins, his baby blue eyes deceivingly bright, “I know this place pretty well. We order most things in bulk but you can’t wait weeks when it’s an emergency. Especially with farmwork.”

“Oh my, you are so responsible. It’s just you and your parents on the farm?” She flutters her lashes. Maybe your dad should be concerned.

You stand off to the side, staring down toilet seats as they chatter. Neither of them have stopped and you’re not bothered fading into the background. Hell, you prefer they forget you entirely. You look down at the cactus in your hand, you could just sneak off with this new prickly friend.

“Yeah. Sister comes to visit but someone needed to stay behind. There’s too much work for just my dad and we never recovered fully from the recession. Can’t really afford a hand.” Cole explains.

“Aw, oh, how dreadful,” your mother gestures like a melancholy Victorian widow. “I’m sure your parents appreciate how helpful you are…”

You don’t miss her eyes as they stray in your direction. You give a scowl, you’re helpful. You take the garbage out and do the dishes. Hell, you’re the only reason the toaster works again.

“Yeah well, I know when I was younger, they probably didn’t feel the same. You know, you just gotta get perspective and learn what’s important.”

Okay, this is ridiculous. They are drinking the same flavorade and you’re more of a cream soda girl. You peer around evasively.

“Well, mom, you got the washer thingy, we should get going. Dad’ll be waiting,” you say.

“I suppose you’re right. Oh, and we still have to hit Eddie’s for dinner,” she recalls, “hm, what a long day it’s been.”

“Eddie's? Oh, I know that place. Owner’s a buddy of mine. I could probably get you a deal.”

“We’re good,” you insist as you step forward, “we got our cactus and our thingamajig. We can pay for dinner.”

“Honey, he’s just being nice,” your mother reproaches, “it is so sweet of you, Cole, but it would be a bit much.”

“You know, that’s a good idea. I should head down that way too,” Cole swiftly diverts her denial, “mom and dad love a good kebab. I always try to bring ‘em something when I come to town.”

“Oh, my heart,” your mother squees, “you are such a good son.”

You clear your throat. Your mother gives you a look. Cole glances over, his head tilted victoriously. He’s effectively making you look like a real bum and you just made a couple hundred.

“Look, I can tell you two are in a hurry,” he shifts suddenly, reaching under his jacket, “I’ll give you my card. I’m down at the market three times a week. If you need any tips about the cactus or maybe looking for a buddy for it, you can always call.”

“Wow, thank you, Cole,” your mom accepts with a fawning gaze, “oh, honey, you hold onto this,” she waves the card in your direction, “I’ll just lose it.”

You reluctantly step closer and take the card. More like rip it up. You pinch it between your knuckles and retreat. Again, Cole peeks over at you.

“I gotta go grab that sod,” he leans back on his heel, “see ya around… I hope.”

“You too, sweetie,” your mom preens.

He backs up, his eyes flitting between you and your mom. He gives you a smile and slowly turns on his heel. He struts away with a bit of a hop, almost as if he’s nervous. You scoff and shake your head. What a show.

“He is so nice!” Your mother announces shrilly, “oh my, and so handsome. And tall and dreamy. His eyes, god those eyes.”

“Mom, you’re married. You know, to dad?” You roll your eyes.

“Oh, hush, I saw you looking at him and he was looking at you,” she fans herself, “you would make the cutest babies.”

“God, ew, another word and you're getting the cactus,” you warn.

“What? You too would be adorable and I can tell, he’s single. He didn’t mention a wife or anything. And a farm? You’d be set for life, and your kids could run all around–”

“He’s a stranger and you’re talking about babies,” you sneer, “please, before I throw up.”

“That whole hard to get thing, it doesn’t work, honey,” she chides.

“I’m not– I don’t want him to get me. I’d prefer I never see him again. Ever. Forever.”

She giggles, “don’t be so dramatic. What did he do to you? He was perfectly sweet. Good manners. Good posture…”

“Really mom, should I be concerned for your marriage,” you snort.

“If only. I think I’m a bit too old for him,” she mourns with a swoon.

“If we don’t get something to eat soon, I’m going to lose my appetite,” you stick your tongue out.

“You are a brat. I’m your mother, you know?” You set off down the aisle next to her as she finally abandons the plumbing shelf. “Why can’t you be like Cole. Such a good boy.”

“Oh my god! Mom, you don’t know him. How do you even know he told the truth? What if there is no farm?”

“You don’t know him either, do you? So maybe, before you assume the worst, you should give him a chance.”

“A chance?” You puff out, “never. He’s an order number, nothing else. And old.”

Your mom tisks and turns towards checkout. You avoid looking at her as her disappointment radiates off her. She wiggles the washer in her hand.

“Where’s that card, I’ll put it in my purse.”

“Ugh, take it,” you flick it at her, “I was just gonna dump it in the trash.”

“Why, with how prickly you are, we shouldn’t need any more cactuses,” she chides.

[giantchasm]

Sir Uther: PEONY! HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST MARKETING SCHEME!

[He lies on the floor, facing up as if he was preparing for death itself]

Sir Uther: DO IT! DON'T HOLD BAAAACK!!

Of course, before authenticating any purchases, there's probably some legal jargon I should read off to you. Let me check my notes... Okay, yes!

Please be aware that the Haltmann Works Company™ and Peony Haltmann are not responsible for any injuries sustained while using the Haltmann Works Company™'s Super Guillotine™. The Super Guillotine™ is potentially dangerous and should only be handled responsibly. Refunds are not available for the Super Guillotine™. All purchases are final. Do note that now is a fantastic time to buy it, however, as the Super Guillotine™ is currently on sale for a low, low price of just three small payments of $995.95. Please ignore the fact that the Super Guillotine™ has 'been on sale' for as long as it's been on the market. Customers who point this out risk becoming product testers for the next model of the Super Guillotine™. Thank you for your patronage. The Haltmann Works Company™ appreciates your continued support.

Hehehe... exciting, yeah!? Surely I've sealed the deal~! Y'know, when it comes guillotines, I hear a lot of people saying nasty stuff like 'eat the rich' and 'viva la revolution,' but I think that's a little bit brash. What have billionaires or royals done to deserve that? I think people are just judgy! 'Exploitative business moguls' or 'oppressive tyrants' are plenty nice once you take the time to actually get to know them! Most people just don't give them a chance. But it would be a shame NOT to use a product as incredible as this, and so we've reached a dilemma: Who exactly should we be using guillotines on? If you ask me, I believe guillotine use is best reserved for Bad People. Y’know… deadbeat dads and wizard haters and stuff. If, in theory, there was someone who was both of those things… let’s call him Uir Suther for the purpose of this thought experiment— well, I’d definitely behead someone like that. Even if he WERE already just a walking head more or less. This is all just hypothetical, though, of course! Any resemblance to persons living or dead in this made-up scenario is pure coincidence. But enough of my rambling. You were going to stick your head in, yes? Do you think I got him? Usually I’d hesitate to be so direct, but the target of my marketing scheme here isn’t exactly the paragon of intellect. Something tells me he didn’t even hear half of what I just said. He'll probably fall for it hook line and sinker. I don’t know if this will actually kill him, mind you, but it’ll be rather funny either way, I reason.

Ohhhh, Peony.

I thought I already told you you were supposed to be putting out PROPAGANDA. Revealing you're a bootlicker is kind of the opposite, kiddo. I can't exactly blame you considering who your parents are, but all the same, I'm not sure this will boost your approval rating.

At least you're trying to kill Uther, though! Everyone in the tourney appreciates an attempt at that... and so who knows? Maybe you'll be fine. Just... read a book on economic theory sometime, won't you?

No-one tell her, by the way, that she's failed to successfully exclude her entire family from the list of people who deserve to be beheaded. If you were to point out her grandfather was, in fact, a deadbeat dad, I think she'd throw her little hands in the air and storm off angrily.

What a strange, strange child.

@kirbyoctournament

[destinygoldenstar]

My TADC Predictions

Okay, quick disclaimer here:

Everything I say in this post is purely speculation and is in no way being demanded to become canon. All of these are open to be incorrect upon future releases of the show’s episodes, and nobody should get upset over whatever that is said in this post being wrong. This is Gooseworx’s show, not mine. I am only a fan doing fan theories. Please harass no one.

Okay now that this is out of the way, what do I predict for this shows plot?

Well, I can safely say that I am not 100% sure on anything, as I do want to be surprised. I was with Episode 2 for sure. But the episode also gave me some ideas.

Let’s start with the episodes themselves:

Gooseworx confirmed that Episodes 3-6 are character centric episodes. They also said that this was NOT meant to be a mystery show but rather a character focused show.

So I think it is safe to say that we will, for the most part, have to WAIT for answers on the outside world and the mysteries of the circus itself. We won’t get answers for awhile.

As for what I think the answers are, more on this later.

So, at the very least, Episodes 3-6 are episodic adventures designed by the circus. Which while character development carries over (I would hope so), the adventures themselves are self contained. So we likely won’t be seeing the Candy Canyon Kingdom again.

Maybe Episode 7 is also in this category. Idk.

Due to the show being based off ‘I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream’, all of this would make a lot of sense.

And I will say it right now, from Episode 3-6, Pomni is taking a backseat.

She’s the main character. She’s been the main focus of the first two episodes, and she’ll undoubtedly be important for the last act of this show. But it makes sense to me that she takes a backseat role in these episodes and leave the focus character of these episodes as the main driving forces.

I’m NOT saying she’ll have absolutely nothing to do or get zero character development in these episodes. She could play a part in the other’s development in SOME cases, and it would suck if Episode 2’s ending became meaningless by having her not work on warming up to the others at all.

BUT other than that, yeah, these episodes are going to be primarily focused on the characters Gooseworx listed to be.

Maybe Pomni will finally see the monsters.

Or get zombie infected in Episode 3, who knows.

The side characters:

In a trailer, we saw more of these characters being revealed. And thanks to Episode 2, it’s far safer to assume that these guys are episodic characters, with a FEW exceptions.

While I think these characters are gonna play a bigger purpose when discussing NPC’s, they are episodic exclusive.

The only exceptions I can think of so far are Orbsman and GummiGoo.

Orbsman I think is making their debut in Episode 3. But I also think he’s going to be one of the biggest gag characters in the show. From how they market them as ‘everyone’s favorite character’.

Basically, I think they’re gonna be like that elf from Majorca’s Mask (I forgot his name). A gag character you always run into with a very out there concept.

As for GummiGoo, I don’t think he’s dead. Or dead as in ‘gone forever.’

Otherwise, why make a plushie of him?

(Or maybe they make plushies of dead characters all the time. Idk, I haven’t watched Murder Drones yet)

BUT I dont think he’s coming back in Episode 3. I actually think it’ll be awhile before this character comes back.

The most soon I can see his return coming is in Episode 7. And I think it will be anything but pretty.

There’s a theory that GummiGoo got his memories erased when Caine snapped him, which I do like in the sense that there are permanent consequences and to establish the harsh reality of the discrimination of the NPC’s. So yes, I do see this becoming entirely possible.

I think this characters memory erasure will be used for Pomni and Caine’s development respectively. I also see this character playing a role in the established world building that is the NPCs.

What we know about NPCs so far is that they are programs Caine created, to the point where they worship Caine as god (I’ll bring this up later). All of their backstories and memories are fake. As they are merely programmed obstacles created to be used for the human players sick enjoyment.

And Caine has trouble keeping track of who’s a human and who’s an NPC, so he segregated the two because ‘who knows what could happen’. (Again, more on that later)

This show really subverted me with its second episode, so I will still do that with this case. In most amnesia case scenarios, the character would eventually regain their memories as though they were never lost.

I don’t think this will happen to GummiGoo. I think he’s NEVER getting his memories back.

In that sense, it would be more so the case that GummiGoo himself is a tragedy.

I can also see that very tragedy being the awakening of an NPC rebellion, especially if the NPCs are prominent in future episodes. They snap and go ‘No Caine, NPCs are people too and deserve to have a life!’

Especially if the game was say, originally designed for advanced AI to live like people within the game.

It really depends if the other characters bond with NPCs on whether it’s all of them that agree to this, or just Pomni.

Anyway, the Episode 3 discussion:

Simply based on the teaser, it would make no sense for the ghost things to appear in a late episode unless they’re REALLY trolling us. (Which could totally be possible)

So maybe Episode 3 is this haunted mansion adventure as it’s episodic adventure.

Gooseworx also said this was their favorite episode. And that it was darker than the previous two. That speaks for itself.

As for what they’re possibly talking about… I don’t know. I’m actually stumped there.

But what we do know right now is that this is a pairing episode of Zooble and Kinger.

This does worry me, I’ll admit. Zooble is a character that gets rather little screen time already that pairing them with another character with more story potential in their episode sounds like admitting defeat.

I do hope I’m wrong though.

Zooble:

Zooble is the character so far that I am the most skeptical about. Mostly because if their lack of screen time thus far. And like I said, them sharing an episode with someone else does not help.

With that said, I do want to give the benefit of the doubt and say their lack of contribution to the plot thus far is intentional and there’s more going on than what meets the eye.

I do think, no matter what, Zooble is playing a role in this episodes adventure. And if they refuse, Caine will just throw them in. And they will play a very prominent role in that episode.

First off, I think this episode will be the confirmation of Zooble’s identity. As in, what pronouns they use. Because so far, it is all over the place in the show. Either way, I definitely feel like this character is supposed to be trans and/or gender-fluid.

Do I think this will be Zooble’s main focal point of characterization? Not really. Whether or not it’s trans rep, I like the idea of it just being a casual preference they have. It’s a great way to normalize trans-rights in this show without being preachy. While also being trans-rights because that’s something the world definitely needs. (Especially where I’m from)

The other thing is Zooble refusing to go on these adventures. The obvious reason could be characterization that ‘they’re lazy and a moody person who doesn’t like to contribute to anything involving peers’.

So if Zooble’s mental complication is dysphoria, if it’s not gender dysphoria it’s social dysphoria. Maybe it’s both.

(You’ll find that I am theorizing all the characters to be going through something)

It is a valid route to take for that character.

But I also think it’s the less interesting route.

There’s a theory that Zooble is a spy, as in, they know more about the circus than they let on and are self defending with that information. Which I do like, and could see being possible.

It would also somewhat justify the duo episode because it would give Zooble more of a role in the future. Whether that’s as an anti-hero type character or a jerk-ish ally.

So basically, they’d be the ‘heart of gold’ character everyone thought Jax was gonna be until Episode 2 crushed that.

Zooble could be someone who knows more about the circus than they originally let on, such as hacks or secrets to the maps, but they don’t share this information with anyone else because A) What would Caine do to them? B) While they do care about the others enough to set up a funeral for Kaufmo, they aren’t exactly open to letting people in their lives or asking for help.

You know, unless their own life is put in jeapordy.

Again, social dysphoria thing.

(There’s also the Pilot in terms of this discussion. They got eaten by the Gloink Queen but didn’t turn into a Gloink. So like, what if they used a hack code to save themselves? And/or what if they used that as an opportunity to learn what makes the NPCs tick?)

This would also make them a foil to Kinger in the episode, as Kinger would be the one who IS open to letting people in his life, but mentally cannot. And so far Zooble has seen Kinger as the least reliable out of everyone (He failed to save them from the Gloink Queen and they made a comment about how they thought Kinger would be next).

Speaking of Kinger:

Okay, so Kinger is definitely a plot important character. I think we can all agree with that.

In the previous two episodes there just wasn’t enough of Kinger that made me completely latch onto him. Which is why I haven’t made a post on him. But I do feel like Episode 3 will change that because…

Yeah we’re learning about him.

As for what I do think about him: He’s a good guy. He’s trying to help. He’s like the cooky old guy of the group that wants to be of assistance and is very knowledgeable but fails to due to his mental illness.

That mental illness likely being schizophrenia.

What this basically is is a disconnect from reality. You see things that aren’t there, you hear things that weren’t said, and vise versa.

It’s a mental disorder that is in need to be looked at by a professional because patients can be so disconnected from reality that they can’t function.

And Kinger has multiple of these symptoms as he hears things that weren’t said, forgets things almost instantly, and does irrational actions without much thought.

So basically, Kinger is psychotic.

A misinterpretation of that word is ‘dangerous and crazy’. But that is not what that word means at all. So NO, I’m not claiming Kinger is evil or crazy. He’s smart. He knows what he’s talking about. But he IS mentally ill.

That, or altzheimers. But I don’t think he’s old enough to get that.

Now, in some characters cases, it’s difficult to pinpoint if some characters obtained these illnesses from the circus or if they had them before the circus. Depending on the character it could vary.

I’m inclined to believe Kinger’s case is the former, as he has been here the longest, and Jax says specifically “That’s why he’s crazy”.

But what exactly drove him to be that way?

The first theory I have is HOW long exactly Kinger has been here.

And I said this theory in a post before.

But basically, Kinger was not only here the longest, but he was also one of the ORIGINAL tester players of the game.

Him, along with other people.

Again, in that other post, I said that Caine accidentally killed a human player and that’s why they’re programmed to segregate humans and NPCs.

This would require the Digital Circus to originally be designed to have advanced AI that interacted with the players. But because of this tragedy, they had to abandon the project and deem it as malicious software, or ‘malware’.

So not only did Kinger witness this exact event to one of his companions and co-workers, but he also witnessed the abstraction of that dead co-worker that caused the other players to never leave the circus.

From there, not only would Kinger suffer massive survivors guilt, but also be here FAR longer than we could imagine, and he had to witness ALL of his friends succumb to abstraction.

Including Queenie. Who in no doubt was THE closest to him. And I can totally imagine getting a Kinger flashback of him witnessing her abstraction.

I don’t know what exactly his relationship was with Queenie. People have suspected she may have been his wife or girlfriend, but Gooseworx had confirmed there was no romance in the show.

This could either be them stretching the truth and forgetting the ‘that you see on screen’ part.

Or they are very legit here. Which in that sense, she could just be his best friend. There doesn’t have to be romantic subtext to it.

Either way, we are definitely going to know more of Kinger’s backstory at some point.

There’s a theory that Kinger at some point will be the next one to abstract.

But… I think that would be way too obvious.

Yeah, he’s old and been here a long time. But if that’s the only reason he would have abstracted a long time ago.

There’s definitely SOMETHING in his brain that is preventing him from ‘the breaking point’.

Along with Jax, who I will talk about later, Kinger is ‘insane’. But that might not be defined as ‘the breaking point’ for him.

Ragatha described abstraction as ‘starting to question who you are and why you’re even alive’. Which makes abstraction sound and seem like it is portrayed as a ‘mental suicide’.

So Kinger’s insanity in particular is NOT plaguing him with suicidal thoughts. He already lost EVERYTHING at this point and in other circumstances would be abstracted. But instead he keeps going and keeps a hold of a reason to live.

What is that reason? We don’t know yet.

But it could also be a subconscious decision he makes to detach himself from the reality of his situation. He’s so disconnected from reality that he’s only living in fantasies now.

It’s… very tragic of a fate for him.

So I really DON’T see Kinger abstracting. I believe that would be a very predictable route to take this character.

If any character is gonna abstract, I feel it would be someone else. More on that character later.

Also he was a bug tester. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Everyone and their mothers made that theory already.

Gangle:

I will say, Gangle is the one I have the least to say about out of the six. As I think this character has the least amount of relevance to the main plot and whatever twist that comes.

That said, doesn’t mean she’s gonna be a bad character. At best, I can see her being a very solid, entertaining character with strong development that is blatant.

That said, Gangle is definitely the major focus of Episode 4 as it is the episode of the most character discovery for her.

I definitely want them to explore her two masks with this episode, as so far we’ve seen little to none of the comedy mask.

I don’t hate the running gag or anything, but I think they should build on it is all I’m saying. Otherwise it gets stale and the character just becomes the gag.

With the masks, I definitely see it as a visual for bipolar disorder.

If that is the case, then seeing more of her comedy mask is vital to get that point across.

Gangle is also characterized as a bit of a dork and a massive pushover in Episode 2. With the figurines and the ‘submissive and agreeable’ line. Which made me think ‘Wow, I might like this character far more than I thought I would’.

But that latter line gave me huge Angel Dust flashbacks. With both being Episode 4 and all that. But I don’t think Gangle’s past was THAT horrific.

Still, I heavily imagine Gangle is one of those characters who had a very rough life before the circus and even now is someone who can’t stand up for herself.

I can see a positive character arc for her where she grasps her mask concept better, figure out more about herself, and come out a better and more confident person.

Not the deepest arc in the world, I know, but it’s all in execution. And I can totally see that character development carry over to later episodes. Like, say, she stands up for herself against Jax and doesn’t put up with his bullying anymore. That’d be satisfying.

But that is all I’m really expecting of Gangle as of right now. Just a really solid side character.

Ragatha:

Okay now we’re talking!

I love Ragatha. She’s by far one of the sweetest characters in a world of such hopelessness. And yet her own struggles with connecting to the people around her is so real and so relatable to me. Despite being so sweet, she feels like a real person and doesn’t come across as naive.

With that said… yeah I don’t think she’s getting a happy ending.

No doubt I think they’re setting up a character arc for Ragatha. While yes she is very positive and reassuring all things considered, it’s those same traits that make her very pushy and not very understanding to what the people around her need.

There’s also the hint Gooseworx gave about the ‘evil Ragatha’.

From my understanding, this is due to the nightmare image of her in Pomni’s nightmare.

So two things I could imagine this being:

1: This is part of the Episode 5 Adventure that involves an Evil AI Clone of Ragatha. Making the episode about introspection on her end on who she could be if she doesn’t accept her more negative emotions.

Or 2: This is metaphorical and foreshadowing Ragatha being a traitor.

This is part of biblical text and symbolism MANY people have pointed out already. And I will do as well.

In text, Judas Iscariot is the figure that betrayed Jesus Christ. He betrayed him FIVE times actually. (Episode FIVE???)

If Zooble is a spy, then suspicion would fall onto them as a traitor among them. And Jax would be too obvious of a candidate.

But I think if this were to be the case, Ragatha would be influenced into this malicious role due to a negative character arc set up for her.

We all rave about how anxious Pomni is, but so is Ragatha, who is also suffering this very common mental illness. It’s just not as in your face. And if left untreated, she could start to make very irrational choices over a paranoia that she’d end up completely alone in the end.

So her betrayal may be having to do with them finding a potential answer that would help them leave the circus, but she destroys it because it would mean they’d leave her.

That, or she’d be possessed by Satan… who Im predicting would be Jax in this case. Idk who else it would be that’d influence her.

While I do not think this would happen in her focus episode, I do think that at some point in the latter half of the show, Ragatha abstracts.

Whether that’s out of guilt for her betrayal of the others, or just simply being unable to take it anymore as a failure of the job she set out to do (as a caring figure and the heart of the group), she is burying a LOT of trauma and negative emotions and sweeping them under the rug and bottling her up. That is definitely gonna bite her later.

So yeah, if any character is going to abstract, my bet is on her.

Would be this be a PERMANENT abstraction ‘death’?

It really depends if they find a way to undo abstraction after such. But that’s a huge 50/50 that’s even going to end up being possible. That could go either way.

And if Ragatha doesn’t abstract, she almost does, but then someone saves her before she can.

Jax:

Ah, here it is. The character everyone wants me to talk about…

And I have already.

So, my Jax take is pretty interesting compared to some other Internet folks I’ve seen so far.

I actually didn’t find him all that interesting in the Pilot. Hot take I know. He wasn’t bad or anything, I was just far more compelled by the world building and Pomni’s struggle at the time.

It was actually the second episode that hooked me on his character because “Holy sh*t this guy is a maniac and I am here for it!!”

I mean, Gooseworx already confirmed that Jax is the morally worst character in the show and there was nothing heroic about him. Idk what more you want me to say.

Now with that said, do I believe this and that he will, indeed, be a major driving force of conflict?

Yes.

Do I think he’s a one dimensional evil bastard?

No.

Hear me out.

While I don’t believe Jax will ever be ‘redeemed’ per say, I do believe an explanation for his behavior is warranted AND there are hints that there’s a bit more complexity to his mindset.

I mean, he didn’t show up to Kaufmo’s Funeral, but showed pity when it was mentioned.

As for what exactly this explanation is, it’s actually something I’ve heard a lot of people say before.

He’s aware this is a video game.

The NPCs are just that. They don’t have lives. This world is designed to have zero consequences. So you can do whatever you want in that context.

So Jax takes advantage of that.

We only don’t agree with him because we saw in Pomni’s POV that the NPCs are more than their design.

Everyone here has their own coping methods in a world like this and Jax is no different. It would be INSANE if he had no care.

There’s not enough evidence yet, but I believe he USED to care about the human players at the very least, (reaction to Kaufmo’s Funeral and all of that), but after several losses, decided to screw any sense of care he had.

His fault. But still.

I already made a post about Jax having low empathy (and y’all said I was crazy before Episode 2 came out) so I’ll be brief.

Jax cares about absolutely no one here and is perfectly willing to sacrifice them if it means amusement. The only reason he hasn’t terrorized the circus yet is because that would be boring if there was nobody to poke at.

While low empathy doesn’t equal ‘bad person’, in Jax’s case, he feels no care, but it’s his own actions that lead to sociopathy as a personality disorder.

Donny from Rise of the TMNT has low empathy but you don’t see him committing candyland genocide for the lols.

If I had to predict his past, I would say he was a malware publisher.

He has keys to everyone’s rooms after all. Maybe that’s symbolism that he hacks into peoples personal info with his viruses?

So basically, he was a terrible criminal in his human life and that carries over here. At least in the circus there’s no consequences.

His development might be a complete negative character arc. He’s the anti-Pomni.

Where Pomni learns to connect with the others and that she’s not alone, Jax shuts out everyone until he is truly alone and no one would ever support him.

As for what Jax’s ‘point of no return’ action is. It might have something to do with Ragatha if she becomes a traitor. Maybe he’s the one to persuade, maybe even force her to destroy their hope of an exit.

He’s Satan, then.

Cause it would be easy to say the action is a circus genocide or circus domination. But that would not work on getting the audience to hate Jax. Making a character hateable is making them do personal things that would offend both the characters and the audience. And forcing one of the nicest characters in the show to turn for the worst would be an example of that.

And I already made a post about why think the ‘Jax is an NPC’ theory is wrong. That was speculation that had been thrown around even before FilmTheory made their video, but my post so happened to come out around the same time so it was pretty perfect.

And if you’re curious about my thoughts on the recent video they made about Digital Circus? (Pomni being an NPC) To say that didn’t convince me is an understatement. You can literally contradict it with one basic fact: WE. SAW. HER. SPAWN.

ANYWAY,

I’m also calling that image of Jax becoming an abstraction hybrid is fake.

I mean come on. Why would a dead character get a focus episode after their death?

Either this is a nightmare, or he snaps and comes close but gets saved.

Because Episode 2 had the same thing as the former, I’m assuming the latter is more possible.

Either way, Jax is a surefire antagonist that will only get worse as the show goes on. There will be an explanation for his behavior at some point, Episode 6 even being a day in his POV, but none of it will in any way excuse his behavior or even make him remotely sympathetic.

But is he ‘the main villain’ of the show?

In my opinion, no.

Oh he’s still an antagonist. And a bad person. But final boss? No.

Actually, I don’t there there is a ‘main villain’ of the show:

At most, I see there being Episodic Villains like the Gloink Queen. And of course Jax being Jax. But in terms of a main villain that needs to be defeated, I don’t see this show pulling that off.

Unless they do.

This show works very well as a bunch of real people going through their emotional baggage��s. And if anything, the setting is the villain.

At most, you could argue Caine is the main villain. We all hate what he did to GummyGoo. But Gooseworx confirmed he’s not evil.

There’s a difference between an ‘antagonist’ and a ‘villain’. ‘Villain’ implies the character is evil.

It’s clear that Caine has certain beliefs, or rather, programmed to believe.

I said this theory before in a post so I’ll just state it.

I believe that Caine is an AI self insert of one of the two creators of the game.

And at most, if I am correct about Caine and Jax, then the closest thing to a ‘main villain’ would be C&A, the corporation behind the Digital Circus. That would include its employees, but I don’t think they’ll be actual ‘characters’ and would more so be ‘talking points’. Hell, I highly doubt we’re ever gonna see their faces, or any of the characters human selves.

I cracked a joke of ‘What if the humans were ACTUALLY live action?’ And it will be INSANE if that ends up happening.

There were two creators of the game, one who would make an AI self insert to be the host that would become Caine, and the other would be the first human player in the testing room, and that player would be named Abel.

The game was designed in the 1990s to be an interactive VR game that would be revolutionary for innovation, the AI both deciding the players avatars and making immersive NPCs to cooperate with the players.

When test players then came in, with one of them being Kinger, and so far, the game has been a success and been distributed. Kinda like that one virus disguised as a gorilla mascot.

(I DO NOT OWN THIS SCREENSHOT, NOR DID I BREAK ANY DEVICE)

That is until bitterness stirred from the two company owners. The one working the game from the outside became envious and got consumed by greed and spite towards the game not being exactly their imagining. The other one, the human player, then began to immerse themself with a different side to the game, a world where the NPCs began to act like real people, with real aspirations and shortcomings that of a person. And they realized that there was much more to what they were creating than they originally thought. So both in game and in real life, Abel tried to bond with the NPCs as though they were real players.

And of course that got more attention.

So in a bitter action of irrationality, the head used Caine to ‘delete’ Abel while he was in the game. Remove him from the server so he can’t mess up the project.

What ended up happening instead was not only that Abel died in real life to brain damage, but the player version of Abel ABSTRACTED upon the murder.

The abstraction caused a glitch in the program itself, making it so that any player that got in the game could NEVER leave.

Which is how Kinger and the other bug testers and players at the time got trapped there.

And well, the actual MURDER of one of the company heads and its employees suddenly being unable to leave a video game would NOT fly under the radar.

As just like the biblical text, the murderer would be punished. Both the A.I version of Caine, and the human version of Caine.

A.I Caine had to deal with the permanent consequences of the human players being trapped in the circus forever, with him trying and failing over and over and OVER again to save these players from abstraction. As they would begin to do so due to their mental instabilities in the unstable digital program, also killing them.

Human Caine would cause the entire company he built to be taken in a dark turn. They fired him, and he went to prison, and then the Digital Circus was from then on deemed negatively.

From then on, The Amazing Digital Circus would be deemed ‘Malware’. A dangerous virus where any user that got their hands on the program would be trapped in the game forever. As such, it was not only taken from shelves, but would fade into obscurity to the point where the 21st century barely heard of the game.

Of course, that didn’t stop some people from getting their hands on the malware and being too naive to see the warning signs.

Ragatha as, very likely, an older sister to a family or a teacher that tried to help a minor, relative or not. Jax as a virus creator himself who was just testing illegal malware for the lols. Gangle as a shy and closed off theater kid who just wanted a way to therapy without actually going. Zooble as a college dropout artist with dreams and ambitions and got lended the wrong hands. And Kaufmo. And every other player that fell for the trap of the malware.

I mean, you and I know malware is unsafe and no one should use it. But some people are either ignorant or stupid.

They all paid the price.

Obviously all these players got into the game at different times. We know this for certain. Kinger was one of the original players. Then it’s Ragatha, Jax, Gangle, Zooble, and you know who. Gooseworx confirmed this order.

But I mentioned that Kinger was a C&A Employee. There’s another character I strongly believe is one.

Pomni.

There’s a reason I claim the people from C&A are Kinger and Pomni and not anyone else.

It’s not just because of the evidence others have pointed out (Kinger mentioning bugs, his knowledge on how the place works, and Pomni looking as though she recognized the desk in the office scene, and her also knowing how the place works) , but it also has to do with their designs.

Notice how both of them are the only two who have a design theme that centers around royalty.

The King & The Jester.

And if Queenie was also an employee this drives the point even further home.

And since C&A created the game, that would make it the kingdom of this world. So of course the game would make them look like roles in royalty.

Anyway, Pomni. Whereas Kinger was a 90s employee at C&A, Pomni was a modern day employee.

We already mentioned biblical text. Caine being Caine the first murderer, Jax being Satan, Ragatha being the traitor… you know where I’m going with this.

Yes, there is the theory that the show uses biblical subtext and Pomni is this show’s equivalent of Jesus Christ. And it is HILARIOUS.

But I do have incredibly mixed feelings on it.

On the one hand, it does make sense in biblical context and for ‘I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream’ if you know the fate of the MC in that story.

On the other hand, it is a very risky direction to take. Not saying the writers can’t pull it off or I don’t trust them to pull it off. But if they go at it as though Pomni is a chosen one meant to save the others and the peak of moral hood in the shows lore, it would ruin her character.

I think Pomni works way better as a regular woman that is just as flawed and uneasy as the people around her, if not more so. But that’s my opinion.

As such, I feel like the show works way better as a character that is not a chosen one or doing all these good deeds for a purpose, but is just… a normal person.

So with C&A, 2023, we enter human Pomni. An accountant working at the C&A office for minimum wage. She doesnt have a life outside of her miserable job. No friends. No after work activities. No nothing. She just goes through the motions of life like there’s nothing else.

Maybe she has some college degree for game design, but no one recognized it, so it seemed pointless to pursue any dream in it.

She suffered major depression and generalized anxiety disorder her entire adult life, and by 25, she’s lost all hope that her existence means anything.

What’s her entire existence if it’s just working 9-5? (See what I did there?)

I also made a prediction in a previous post that the human that had Caine as a self insert is Pomni’s parent. So that adds another context to it whether it’s true or not.

And then on a slow day of browsing, she stumbled across information on ‘The Amazing Digital Circus’. Which was listed as a malware that’s killed several people as well as their devices.

She learns through her research that it was a project meant to take people into an immersion of another world of wonders and endless fun.

And as someone who got into games to immerse herself with fantasies and escape from reality as a kid with parental issues (If ‘human Caine’ is her dad), it was the exact thing she needed.

So late at night, Human Pomni snuck into the office to find the tech of the Digital Circus that got abandoned in the back long ago.

But rather than have any intent to fix it, she booted it up to put the headset on. Basically committing suicide.

Yes, I believe human Pomni had committed suicide when she put the headset on. I have a post about this.

She had no intention to save anyone in the game or to even live her normal life, but she was thrusted in a position where she didn’t expect her escape from reality to be so literal. And survival instinct got to her immediately as a result. She didn’t want to go through with the game anymore and tried to escape what she did, but couldn’t.

But for what we’ve seen so far, Pomni has grown to not only care decently about the others, but find a reason to live.

Since abstraction can be read as mental suicide, then it’s a fate Pomni could strive to avoid at all costs. While she can’t escape death, it wouldn’t be by her hand and there would people that’d save her if she tried.

And if that continues to be emphasized, then it goes to show that Pomni is and has always been just a normal person, regardless of her upbringing and circumstances.

So, with that said, what would an ending look like?

I actually don’t know what they could be going for. There’s a lot of possible routes they could take and two episodes is not enough info for an ending to possibly predict it.

That said, I do have two ending theories:

1: Caine gets redeemed

I believe that Caine will get a redemption arc.

Yes we all hate him for GummyGoo, but hear me out.

This character is an AI just programmed to carry certain beliefs. But Episode 2 proved that these AI are capable of questioning things and having beliefs like people would. Which means Caine is capable of maintaining his own beliefs. Which means those beliefs can be altered.

If Caine isn’t evil and is doing what he thinks is best for these players, then all he needs to do is see that his ways are only causing mental damage and he’ll be open to hearing out what would actually help.

So… maybe he’d let them go??

If that’s even possible. There’s still the barrier that is keeping them trapped in the circus that we don’t know about yet.

So basically Caine is like Inside Out’s Anxiety, a clear antagonist that is just doing what they think is best even when it’s not, but realizes the faulty ways of thinking and seizes control in the end.

2: Everyone BUT Pomni gets out

I dont think Pomni is gonna have a happy ending.

For two episodes now, she’s had a mental break of some sort, and while it may not be related to psychological trauma, it could happen again an Episode 3 as well. And so on until the end of the show.

Will she abstract? I’m not sure.

Unless you say, if my Abel theory is correct, her abstraction overrides his and allows the human players to leave the circus.

Why would her abstraction glitch be enough to do that and not the others? I’m not sure. Unless we’re talking about Jesus symbolism.

Which in that sense, I can see her pursuing the same path Abel did in treating the NPCs like people and allowing them chances to act as people. Within circus grounds I mean. Count that with the show suggesting bonding with the other human cast members, then I can see Pomni’s story arc mainly being about reconnecting with the real self she lost when she came to the circus. Maturing into an emotionally realized woman that wants to live and strive and also helps the people (NPC AND human) around her live and strive too.

I also got this idea from Oreo’s fan song “The Show That Never Ends”, and the bridge lyrics. (They also did Digital Hallucination… which, you know, fan song gold standard)

“I dont think I can go on” “Don’t wanna lose myself” “I’ll try putting a show on” “I’ll try biting my time, I’ll find a way out of here” “I’ll never stop, I’ll never give up on life, I’ll get out of this place tonight, or tomorrow, this horrible hell can’t hold me forever whenever I get the chance”

So, no, I don’t think she’s giving up on trying to leave. Think about it 24/7? No. But she isn’t giving up on the possibility, especially when a clue presents itself.

But please Glitch, do something with her character besides ‘me find exit door’ (Episode 2 comes out) oh wait, you did. Awesome.

But while I do see that character growth from Pomni and the others minus Jax, I do think in Pomni’s case specifically it will not be enough to save her from the damage Caine and the circus will do to her.

And when all’s said and done and the answer presents itself that the only way for anyone to escape the circus is with a sacrifice, Pomni breaks before anyone else can volunteer. She gets left behind in the game. She abstracts. She overrides Abel’s glitch and fixes the game so the humans can leave and the NPCs can carry out Abel’s wishes again.

And if her abstraction doesn’t do it, then it definitely would break Caine and get him to open his eyes. The damage he’s done that got them to that point, that the loss of Pomni has only himself to blame. And it causes him to turn for the better and save the others.

So yeah. Jesus sacrifice to save humanity. And NPCs. And Pomni is just in coding heaven I guess. (Maybe Ragatha is also there on the other side. Raise a glass to freedom (I’m sorry))

It would also be a contrast to the Pilot. Where at the start of the show, Pomni only thought about herself and was willing to leave by herself, she’d get everyone but herself out and think of them first.

Kinger, Gangle, and Zooble are characters I see very likely to leave the game in this scenario. So they’d get happy endings.

Jax is a maybe. Depends on if he doesn’t get a Disney villain death first. Otherwise it’d just be ‘Eh, fine, leave you jerk, you don’t deserve it.’

But maybe if he is a criminal in the human world it can be ‘Have fun in prison’

Ragatha. We talked about it.

But Pomni is one that is very likely to not get a happy ending.

And Caine is a different story because he’s an AI who can’t and has no interest in leaving. But in a redemption moment he’s a much more experienced and empathetic ringmaster for it and that’s enough. And failing Pomni would make him a bittersweet character, as while he’s better as a person for it, it came at the price of a character he mistreated.

And if any of my theories over this post were correct, then while Caine is not Pomni’s father, he is a creation of her father and a self insert of him. So take that what you will and how much harder that hits.

Daddy’s gonna look after you. Even when you’re in coding heaven.

So in conclusion…

Uh… everything I said in this post is total BS and is 90% sure to not happen at all.

And I don’t demand any of it to.

This was just me as a fan doing some silly speculation as a form of investment in the shows story. And I am not going to get upset at anything here getting proven wrong in future episodes.

I mean based on Gooseworx’s posts I think it’s a given that I’m gonna be thrown a curveball.

I’m gonna be SO OFF, and then when the episodes come out we can all go back to this posts and laugh at my face at how WRONG I was.

Please don’t take anything I say here like it’s already canon, cause it’s NOT. Just, have fun while it lasts I guess.

Maybe I shouldn’t become a theorist.

[valyrfia]

When you said rpf fallout I immediately checked if you ever were a fan of dnp cause now that, that was some disaster for years. But I do think Charles and Max have a much much more distant relationship both from each other and from the fans. Chestappen vs Lestappen I don't see one being more jokey, maybe cause I interact in Spanish spaces of the fandom but there ARE people who believe it to be real. And checo specially gets asked this a lot (just three times since the last triple header!).

But I agree the general sentiment of avoiding containment breach in any rpf ship should the default. Ollie x Kimi and other rookies worry me a bit, cause I think we are seeing this shift of bromance being a good marketing strategy and it could be a slippery slope from there on.

Those of Phan trauma truly recognise each other blind. You never truly leave the phandom, just as the phandom never truly leaves you.

Okay tbf I didn’t know about the Chestappen lore, thanks for the education! But yeah I just think that jokes and all are fine and most lestappen-leaning tweets or edits I see I enjoy or laugh with. But there are a few who take it too far. Like you said it’s a slippery slope, I don’t want to get to the place where people are happy discussing fic openly on twitter (which I’ve seen!) especially because so many of the content people seem so happy to be openly discussing on twitter is made by people who wanted to keep it within traditional rpf circles of tumblr and ao3. It’s a violation of trust, as much as anything else. Similarly, I lived through the heat waves nightmare—and trust me that was a nightmare for MANY reasons—but it taught me that containment breaches are not fun! Actually! It was least fun for the author of that fic, who I believe ended up quitting fandom entirely because of it.

Again I think a lot of people are misunderstanding my point when I say “rpf should be kept in fandom spaces”, I mean the serious stuff. I don’t mean the lighthearted tiktok edits or the jokey tweets. I mean don’t share fic, don’t share art outside of designated spaces, for the love of god don’t get parasocial with it. Keep it cool, keep it casual. Don’t post anything you wouldn’t be happy discussing at work drinks face to face with someone.

[niallsgoldhoop]

Chapter Two

Wren

Six Months Later

I need coffee.

Poking my head out of my office, I look left and right down the hallway before making a break for the coffee machine.

It’s been six months since I was hired at Willow Lake Golf Resort as their marketing executive and for each of those six months I’ve tried to stay as invisible as possible.

That’s what happens when you show up for your first day of work and meet your boss— the very same person you ran into at the grocery store. In retrospect, it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t spilled not just the diet soda in my basket all over his pants, but also managed to soak them in pickle juice as well.

When I walked into his office that day it took everything in me not to turn around, get in my car, and drive it off the nearest bridge.

I was perfectly fine with running into an attractive man with an even more attractive accent and living my entire life knowing that I’d never see him again— More than fine, even.

Ha.

If only life was that easy.

Instead I’ve spent every day trying to avoid him at all costs.

“Wren.”

At the sound of the deep, low voice behind me I jump which sends the freshly brewed coffee all over the back of my hand. “Shit—“

“Here.” Placing his hand on my waist, Niall guides me over to the sink before turning on the cold water. “This should help. Are you okay?”

I try to ignore how close he’s standing to me and I’m definitely ignoring the way his cologne smells as his words skate across the shell of my ear.

“I’m okay.” The words come out as a whisper, barely audible. “We should probably stop meeting like this.”

He laughs behind me, the sound like a warm blanket. “You know, I’d have to agree.”

With the cool water running over the red skin, my breath hitches in my throat as Niall takes my wrist and turns it over in his hand.

“Make sure you put something on this so the swelling goes down.” Dragging his thumb across the edge of the mark, I hold my breath. “I don’t want to see you with a scar.”

His finger moves across my skin two more times and the way it sends goosebumps across my skin has me reaching for the faucet and turning it off before grabbing some paper towels to dry my hands and trying not to wince as it runs over the sensitive spot.

“I should probably go—“

“I’m surprised to see you out of your office.” Niall smiles as he leans against the counter, crossing his arms and making the muscles in his arms flex against the sleeves of his shirt. “Seems like you always hide in there.”

“I don’t hide in my office.” I laugh, trying not to sound as nervous as I feel right now.

His eyes find mine and hold steady for just a beat longer, the blue so intense that even as mortified as I am there no way I could look away.

Maybe it’s not too late to run away and join the circus.

“Rory said that you’ve made significant strides over the last few months with the marketing and I’m glad I was able to catch you out of your office today to tell you that you are a great addition to our team.” His arms move from across his chest, instead pressing his palms on the counter behind him. “Thank you for everything that you do and continue to do for Willow Lake.”

“Um, you're welcome.” I can feel the heat rush to my cheeks as I push my long hair behind my ear. “I’m just grateful to be working here.”

“We are equally grateful to have you.” His smile is wide as he steps away from the counter and walks towards me, making my heartbeat gallop in my chest. “If you need anything, promise me that you’ll let me know?”

Nodding, I move to the open doorway, bumping my shoulder against it in true Wren fashion. “Yeah, yeah. I promise. I’ll let you know.”

“Good.” Niall’s smile pulls up more on one side in a smirk.

“Well, I’m going to get back to work.” Smiling, I wave like a complete idiot before ducking out of the room.

Could I be any more embarrassing? God.

Niall Horan was one of the most renowned golfers of our time and it was clearly impossible for me to act like a normal person when he’s around. With three wins at The Master’s under his belt and so many accomplishments, it was hard not to be in awe of him in general.

Turn him into a nice person with pretty blue eyes?

That’s just not fair for the rest of us.

Finally back behind my desk, I lay my head down on my desk and let out a long breath.

Maybe I’ll just stay in my office for the rest of my life.

Hiding just like I said I don’t do.

—————

“Jenna?”

There’s no way to mask my surprise when I press the phone up to my ear.

“Hi! How are you?” My sister's voice is bright and full of excitement. “I miss you!”

Rinsing off my plate and sliding into the bottom rack of the dishwater, I dry off my hands with a dish towel. “I’m good. What’s up? Do you need anything?”

“Why would I need something?” Jenna laughs. “Maybe I just wanted to call and talk to my sister.”

“It’s just been awhile since we talked.” I shrug even though she can’t see me.

She blows out a breath on another laugh. “It hasn’t been that long, Wren.”

“You’re right.” Agreeing with her has always been the easiest option, even though I know for a fact it’s been more than a month since her name has flashed across my screen. “Catch me up on your life.”

Jenna is four years younger than me and at twenty four she knows anything and everything there is to know about life. So while I pick up around my house, she catches me up on her life.

You would think that as sisters we would be close, but we never have been. More than once we’ve drifted apart due to our differences and mostly from the way Jenna has always seemed to treat me.

Being treated as the root of all of her problems and someone she couldn’t stand most of the time will do that to you.

She tells me about her boyfriend that she’s been with for about a year, something that is news to me although I don’t quite catch his name. I also listen as she explains her new job and how much she loves it.

About thirty minutes into the phone call she asks how I’m doing and asks about my job at Willow Lake.

Almost everyone knows about Willow Lake.

Even before Niall purchased it, the course was so well renowned for the pristine grounds and a clubhouse made for throwing parties. I’m pretty sure it was even in a list of top ten golf courses you should visit in your lifetime if you were an avid golfer.

“We’re starting a new program—“

“Do you guys have parties there?” Jenna interrupts. “Because my birthday is next week and I think it would be fun if we did it there.”

Closing my eyes, I try to take a flaming breath. “Jenna, you can’t just expect to be able to have a party in a week at Willow Lake.”

“Don’t you work there?” Her attitude is clear. “I get that you just don’t want to help me—“

“It’s not that, Jenna.” Running my hand through my hair, I take a deep breath. “You know I don’t mind helping you but this is so last minute.”

A disbelieving laugh comes through the phone. “Whatever— I shouldn’t have even called.”

“Jenna—“

I don’t even get to finish my sentence before the line goes dead.

Dread fills my body from tips of my toes to the ends of my fingertips, knowing that my parents will reach out and ask again begging me for help and I’ve never been able to say no to them.

Even more dread fills my body when I think about how hard it is to pull last minute strings and the only person that would be able to help me—

The one person I spend all my time avoiding.

Niall Horan.

—————

okay okay i’m actually more excited to put this here than wattpad 😂😂😂😂

-Alex

🍀

[sergeantsporks]

Dadrius Week 2023, Day 1: Father's Day

“Hold these please.”

Hunter stood bemused just outside of a supply closet while Gus loaded his arms up with paper, markers, and scissors. “What’s all this?”

“I’m making a card.”

Hunter ran through a list of their mutual friends and their birthdays. The only one close was Amity, and her birthday wasn’t for another two months. “…For who?”

“My dad. For Father’s Day.”

He’d never heard of this holiday—not the biggest surprise, but still. “For what?”

“Father’s Day. A day to celebrate our dads. Similar to, but separately dated from, Mother’s Day, Parent’s Day, Spawner’s Day, and last, but certainly not least, Sire’s Day, celebrated mostly by vampires and werewolves. I’m making an illusion card that sings when you open it, and I am also! Planning on making breakfast for my dad. And you, too, I guess, but the point is that I make it, rather than my dad.” Gus took the paper and scissors out of Hunter’s arms, folding up one piece and snipping at it expertly so that it was shaped like a heart.

“Oh. That sounds… nice. When is it?” He probably needed to plan something for Darius. Sure, he’d just moved in this year, and they were still getting used to being in each other’s space, and the adoption papers sat on the counter, unsigned by either of them as they debated back and forth if they were ready to take that step, but “Father’s Day” seemed like a good chance to develop… whatever this was. Maybe move more towards something more official.

“Tomorrow. Hence you being here for breakfast.”

Hunter dropped the markers. “Tomorrow?! That’s not enough time! I can’t make anything, or—it’s too late to go shopping! All of the stores and stalls will be closed! Except the Night Market, but I doubt there’s anything there that—”

 “Hunter! Whoa! Hey!” Gus held out a piece of paper. “I don’t think Darius will care if you don’t go all out for Father’s Day. Oof, I should have thought of that before inviting you over. It’s okay! You can make him a card like I’m doing, and maybe just ask if he even wants to do anything tomorrow? I know some dads just sort of want to have the day to themselves, and that’s their gift. So, before you freak out, ask. You can at least get some idea of what he thinks about Father’s Day.”

“Okay. Okay, yes. I can make a card.” Hunter took the paper. “A heart is too much, right?” It certainly felt a bit corny to him. At least for Darius, for where they were at the moment. Gus’ heart for his father seemed entirely reasonable and fitting.

“I’d stick with a rectangle for now,” Gus agreed.

Hunter nodded, folding the paper in half and uncapping a marker. “What do I put?”

“Happy Father’s Day. Then draw a picture. Just write something nice on the inside and sign it. It’ll be easy once you start, I promise.”

“Okay.”

Hunter focused on his handwriting, making it as neat as possible and filling out the front of the card. He drew an abomination on the bottom, filling it in with Gus’ purple marker. After a moment of consideration, he added a blobby bun to the top of his head. The inside of the card stared up at him, as blank as his mind. Hunter tapped his marker against his lips.

“Hey, Gus? What are you putting in yours?”

Gus swept his card up so that Hunter couldn’t see it. “Nuh-uh, no cheating. You have to write something for you and Darius, not just copy what I’m saying to my dad. Just say something you appreciate about him, you know? Something you’re glad he’s in your life for.”

“Oh. Okay.” Hunter tapped a pen against his chin, then wrote, Thank you for letting me live with you. –Hunter.

That had been easier than expected, but would it be enough? Should he write more?

Hunter closed the card before he could think about it for too much longer.

“Do you need help with yours, Gus?”

Gus waved a hand. “Go talk to Darius. Let me know what he says! I can help if you need an extra set of hands for something, or I can check to see if we have an ingredient you’re out of.”

“Thanks, Gus. You’re a lifesaver.”

Hunter flash-stepped all the way home, appearing in the middle of the living room. “Darius!”

The older man jumped, spilling a mug of tea all over himself. “Augh! Hunter! I thought you were spending the night with Gus?!” He shifted into his abomination form, squeezing the tea out and settling back into his witch form. “What? What’s on fire?”

“Nothing!” Hunter said quickly, “Nothing is on fire! Sorry! I just had a question. Um. So—tomorrow is Father’s Day, and—”

Darius jumped out of his chair with a curse. “It’s tomorrow?!”

“Yeeees?”

“You’re sure?”

“That’s what Gus said.”

���Bones, dirt, and muck! Why did no one warn me?!” Darius paced back and forth. “Too late, it’s too late. Dessert. I can do dessert. Yes.”

“Darius?”

Darius disappeared into the kitchen with a wave of his hand. “Can’t talk! Need to make a cake!”

“What?”

“Cake,” Darius repeated.

Hunter followed him into the kitchen, ducking under a bag of flour that flew across the kitchen. “I just wanted to ask if you—”

Sugar hurtled towards him on its way to the counter, but stopped and delicately skirted around him before it made contact.

“I just wanted to know if you wanted to do anything for Father’s Day!”

The ingredients flying around the kitchen halted in midair, and Darius looked up from his recipe book. “Oh.” He nodded a couple of times. “Oh. I hadn’t…”

The cake components slowly floated to the counter, and Darius moved across the kitchen to face Hunter. “I do not expect you to do something for me, little prince. Thank you for asking. However, I do need to get this cake baked and cooled, and it will go faster if I do it by myself.”

Hunter nodded and left the kitchen, his throat closing up.

That’s that, then. He didn’t know why Darius was suddenly in such a frenzy, but the dismissal was clear enough. He didn’t expect anything from Hunter for Father’s Day. The unsigned adoption papers would remain unsigned, and Hunter would remain a houseguest. Hunter tucked the card he’d made into his belt pouch and curled up in bed, watching the clock tick down until midnight.

Happy Father’s Day.

[rainbowcaleb]

A Scaled Splendor

A MerMay story - read on ao3

“Okay Lebby, explain this again but this time make sense.” Veth pops her hip out and stares down at Caleb, her other hand shielding her eyes from the afternoon sun. The effect of the bright unclouded sky on the ocean is blinding, almost hiding any swimmers amidst the sliver glinting light.

“Ja, so there is a tale from my childhood, ah— no, I would be remiss to say it is a story only in the Empire when every culture with a body of water has–”

“Cay. Leb. What did I just say.” Veth kicks some water his way.

“Okay, okay. The mermaid. It is a story but a romantic one. Not every version, no, but fishes and princes and kisses–”

“And kisses?!”

“Well, ja, I have hopes. But I thought it would be a good surprise.”

Veth continues to stare for one, three, ten long beats. Then lets out a whoop of a laugh, grabbing her middle as the entirely unsuppressed mirth shakes her body.

“It was not a bad idea–” Caleb starts, a pout in his voice.

“No, it's,” Veth wipes tears from her eyes, voice still shaking from giggles. “It is a good idea, but that still doesn’t explain, you know.” She waves a hand up and down in his direction. The crystal clear waters of this shore do nothing to hide his form, and the high sun only touches him with extra sparkle. Glistening golden scales that flash to orange and umber as they shift with Caleb’s movement, like he has been dipped in molten gold and reforged in intricate, layered detail.

“This is my first time doing this particular spell modification.” He sounds petulant, even to his own ears.

“Caleb.”

“This is quite a hard spell, and the materials alone–”

“Lebby.”

“Ja, okay, I fucked up.” Caleb sighs, and it is quite an interesting sound and motion coming from a golden fish’s mouth.

Veth starts to laugh again, her noise another wave building upon Caleb’s rising feelings of woe-is-me.

“Do you think Essek likes fish, really likes them?” Veth doesn’t even bother to wipe her eyes this time. “Loves them so much he’ll kiss ‘em? Or maybe we should ask Yasha, she does have that fish market experience.”

Caleb sits down in the shallow water on the shore’s edge, able to cross his legs but not his arms, for indeed he has succeeded in his mermaid ambitions but unfortunately on the wrong half.

“I have an idea, I’ll run and get Fjord right now, you know that boy practiced his kissing skills on fish growing up, I’m sure he has some tips–”

“Veth, please.” Caleb flops sideways, re-dousing his upper half in the water, and feeling just as morose as a fish out of water could be.

“Sorry Lebby, but our years of friendship means I can make fun of you for another five minutes. And oh boy do I have some jokes on the tip of my tongue.”

“And then you’ll help me fix this?”

She crouches down and pets his scaly head, then draws her hand back to shake off the water. “Of course Caleb, what do you take me for? I wouldn’t use this as an oppor-tuna-ty to make fin of you, no of course not, I’d love you for a krill-ion years as a fish or a man!”

Caleb starfishes in the water, pushing the sand around with his little arm fins and his two human legs. This was his fate now.

“Aw, you don’t like my jokes? Yeah, I cod do betta than that, even though this is kraken me up–”

Caleb stares up at the crisp blue sky and closes his eyelids against the yellow sun. Everything was much too bright and much too colorful for his new eyes. Maybe he should just float here for a while, surely it’ll wear off in an hour, surely the spell will end faster than Veth’s jokes can last…

(Thank you for reading! 💙)

[noa-de-cajou]

Day 1 : Getting Lost Somewhere

One could say that I have no sense of direction. That’s not entirely untrue. The thing is, it’s not quite the whole picture, either.

It’s not like I can't figure out where I'm going, or where I am on a map. Those are basic skills. I just get so absorbed by my surroundings that I tend to stray away from my original path. There is so much noise, so many colors, so many people, I never know if I'm fascinated or repulsed and I never know if I’m running away or walking closer.

I do have a sense of direction.

It doesn’t change the fact that I have no idea where I am right now.

Allegian is huge. There are all kinds of places, most of which I'm not familiar enough with. I don’t get out of the Sainte-Astrale often, which does not help.

I have stumbled upon a market, it seems. Given the animation, the decrease in clothing and food quality as well as the amount of Larvae, it must be pretty far from the School. Just how long did I walk? It was only supposed to be a short outing, and now here I am. Demetria said I needed to get some sun other than my magic, ironic for someone who looks like they’re in constant iron deficiency. Or maybe she spent too much time in the sun, and that is why she looks bleached.

I'm getting sidetracked. Again.

No one here seems to have recognized me. Either the plain clothes are sufficient to hide my identity or no one knows my face. It’s probably both. It's crowded, too. They're not paying attention to me.

I’ve only been appointed Director recently, after all.

Someone bumps into my leg. It's a kid, a human, not older than six. Another child, their splitting image but taller, immediately runs to grab their hand.

“Sorry ma'am! Meena, I told you to watch where you were going…”

There you are! Mom and I were looking everywhere for you!

I can't recall how her voice sounded back then.

I look back. The two kids have disappeared into the mess of blurred faces surrounding me.

I didn't run at all but my breathing has gotten a bit fast. I should calm down. To calm down, I need to get out of here.

The thing is, no matter where I look, I can't seem to find an exit.

Are you okay? Did you fall? For fuck’s sake, you could have been kidnapped or something, you need to be more careful!

I should have been more careful. It’s too late to regret that now.

My hair is getting into my eyes and itches the skin of my neck. My fist opens and closes repeatdly onto thin air. My palm is sweaty.

Stop it.

You’re a grown woman who’s been through way worse. You can get out of this situation yourself.

Nia? Hey, it's okay. I’m here now. We’re gonna go and find mom together.

Fist opens and closes opens and closes opens and closes

Stop, she’s gone, Lani’s gone, stop it, stop it.

Let's go home. Hold my hand tight, ‘kay?

There's too much noise here too many people and I'm alone and I'm –

Scared

I want my sister. I want my mom. I want my dad.

I want –

I need –

I can’t focus.

I need to focus.

Opens closes opens closes opens closes opens closes

Someone

Please focus

Anyone

I can do this

Help

I have to –

Help me

“Found youuuuu!”

A hand grabs my wirst and I jerk.

Two eyes devoid of irises stare at me.

“Thank the gods for your aura, Nen! If it wasn’t that powerful, I never would have found you in that crowd.”

Demetria smiles, the white of her clothes and hair and skin clashing with everything else, but no one seems to notice her. She’s nearing sixty and yet she’s still just as powerful as when we met, if not more.

“Dal, found a poor little shaking elf over here!”

I’m not –

Oh.

I am, in fact, shaking.

Dal emerges from the crowd. He’s almost two meters tall so I can see him coming from miles away. As he gets closer, I can see how disheveled he looks, how sweaty his brow is. He’s panting.

“Nenia, for the love of–”

His eyes fall upon my face and his voice dies in his throat. When he speaks again, it sounds much softer.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten my eyes off you.”

He reaches out a hand, Demetria lets go of mine, and he embraces me. I let him.

“I’m sorry”, he repeats.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats as I stare at my sister’s flesh sizzling upon his plasma blade. “I'm sorry, Nenia”.

I take a sharp breath. I despise his touch I never want to let go I shouldn’t be allowing this I need this I don’t need him I'm scared.

Demetria chimes in, “Well, we found her. Now what do we do?”

“I don’t know. Nenia, what do you want to do?”

There's a long silence. Then a voice comes out and it sounds small and weak and broken and it says

“I want to go home.”

It takes me a while to realize it's mine.

Dal’s hand gently rubs the back of my head, like I'm some child that needs pacifying.

“Is it too loud here?”

I nod, to avoid having to explain further. I humiliated myself enough for one day.

“Well, Dalnæ’hyr, you heard miss Director~”

Demetria’s speaking just low enough so no one can hear. It'd be a shame, a scandal so early in my career. Dal keeps his arm wrapped around my shoulders as they walk me out of the crowd.

I'm not leaving for forever, you know.

My chest tightens.

This is stupid. I’m the one who wanted to do this. All of this.

For her

For a liar.

I guess it can’t be helped.

I was never an outdoor person, after all.