#okay i'm still anxious but
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AH. So that's why they put that content warning. I see!
#HM.#dndads#the peachyville horror#Okay tag ramble time I guess lol.#Amittedly I actually wish I *hadn't* checked the content warnings cause I think that moment would've affected me a bit more otherwise#(which for me is desired lol I want that out of my podcasts)#But HM geez gonna be thinking on this one...#Also something something Francis and Trudy talks this episode something something coldest human & warmest machine#Couldn't get that off my mind... Their conversation at the end there is what really had me anxious more than anything gah#ACTUAL EPISODE SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT FORWARD WEEWOO WEEWOO#SO one thing to remember is that we don't actually know for sure yet that Francis is dead#Which I know sounds silly but characters have been shot in the head before like this same season and not immediately died from it#Still gotta go through the mechanical process of dying and all that#But ALSO he pulled the trigger and that's where the episode stopped.#Again I know it's silly to say but we don't actually know *for sure* what happens next- *especially* cause Brunhilda is a sentient gun#Or he could die but come back from it somehow!#I swear I don't mean any of this as wishful thinking I'm just genuinely thinking of the possibilities here.#Cause like this podcast does things in this vein a lot y'know. Not always as dark but still.#That said I do hope Francis' storyline continues in some form or another cause if not like *maaan*#In brighter news the Pepper Pete bit took me OUT and you know what I do get happy whenever Sneaky Pete shows up too LOL#Good little bits this episode in general but shoutout also to ''It's time to play HAIR OR THREAD!!!'' perfect.
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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I changed his hair and changed his outfit ;o; !!!!
#HELLO while I was watching a video I learned that the hairstyle I gave him originally was super overused in media so I changed it#I HOPE HE IS CUTE ;_; I made his hair longer!!! I was incredibly anxious posting it the first time and I still am because#I never want to overstep or misrepresent another community but I'd rather make mistakes and learn than not try and make nothing at all#which is the same way I feel about trans representation by cis people I just want more and I want it to exist#sorry for rambling I might delete some of these rambles in the tags also I don't want to make this about me!!!#ALSO I'm still making edits to this#OKAY BYE RUNS AWAY
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i will never force or assume ships- honestly my first goal with establishing contact between characters (including and ESPECIALLY any that mine may have romanced in-game) is just to establish some kind of bond.
Like is there a friendship there? Is there antagonism there? Is there a POTENTIAL for leadup to more, there? Or is this a platonic intimacy? Is this a sibling dynamic? Do these people genuinely care and respect for one another or do they despise one another? What sort of love is there, if any?
and honestly most of the time i will not nudge towards a ship because i'm hyper paranoid about being accused of ships being all i want. The attitude for afab ocs was uh- very different, when i first started with tumblr RP, and it's been literal years but i haven't shaken those anxieties, nor the constant fear that i'm constantly annoying or being a nuisance towards those i'm trying to befriend.
this is honestly just a psa that like- while i love ships, i love EVERY KIND of dynamic that could form between characters, and i'm down to explore any and everything. literally 2 of the most fulfilling dynamics i've formed since showing up here are the platonic soulmate relationships!
give me besties, give me contentious coworkers, give me platonic soulmates and twin flames, give me enemies, give me romantic soulmates, give me doomed loves, give me loves that somehow defeat the odds.
#[ out of thedas: ooc ]#[ important: now i'll hold it in my heart ]#[ psa ] aiming careful and miss the mark#[[ honestly this is just#[[ i'm feeling deeply anxious about reaching out and trying to connect with people rn ahaha#[[ i want to. i want to be friends with so many of you! but#[[ i have been Burned by the rpc lmao#[[ and i also have a paranoia disorder that makes like... interpreting tone and such really.... hard.#[[ i'm trying#[[ but just. pls know that i'm not just here for ships and like while i did note who my muses canonically romanced#[[ i'm not just here to 'collect' ships and i'm never going to force a ship if you don't want it.#[[ if i express interest in it and you don't feel it that's totally 10000000% okay and i'd still love to write and explore worlds with you!#i just#oh lord i'm having a Time tonight ahahaha i'm gonna go hide in my inbox#[[ DO NOT REBLOG THIS IS NOT A PSA THAT ANYONE CAN JUST TAKE ]]
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Why did it take my landlords' young kid pulling a prank on me to realize I do in fact have unprocessed ptsd
#it shouldn't have upset me this bad and yet here i am trying to stop crying on my way to pick tiny up from kindergarten#our apartment shares a door with our landlords'. and they have a 5~7 yo#who thought it would be very funny haha to randomly try and force our door open at odd hours#now mind you we don't have a shelter room of our own. we usually run to theirs so the door is unlocked most of the time#but after a few of those surprise privacy breaches and after calling out to the kid and asking them politely to stop-#which of course caused them to run away giggling and doing it again after a couple minutes-#we locked the door. only for things to escalate#they had friends over and together started rattling the handle and trying to force the door open#and them pressed their face to it and started mimicking sirens#which takes like one second to realize it's not an actual alert but still gives the initial pang of panic and stomach drop#not to mention made tiny very anxious and confused as well#welp. i thought it was over but today they were at it again#and i finally managed to catch the parents on the phone and very politely and strenly asked them to have a talk with their kid#only to realize by the time i hung up that i was crying#welp#i dunno why i'm writing this here. probably because it's the only place i can vent about it without actually involving anyone#or maybe as a semi formal recognition that i'm not in fact okay- to remember nobody is completely unscathed#anyway rant over. over and out#shompsays
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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tearing up over the bridge of on my way? no. shut up
#feeling very#it's not like what i'd imagined when i was a child#the older i get the less i understand. there's days i hate from the bottom of my heart and there's nights i'm too anxious to sleep#i still can't forget what happened that day#i still can't forgive the me of yesterday#trying my best to#but there's times when you have to hold up the people who've been supporting you all this time#if i can say all that what'm i hesitating for?#how long'm i gonna do this for?#inside my head look at the world around me#i can see that the road ahead is long#when it feels like i'm about to go crazy... step by step let's move forward okay!#man i don't think i can necessarily water/aroma therapy my way outta this one guys#valiant posting
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#my coworker who covers for me when I'm out (and vice versa) saw me getting progressively more sick throughout the week#so she was like omg go home :/ and i was like hhhhh okay ill wait it out a few days tho (bc i dont want to use all my sick leave already)#so i was like i just need to make it to thurs and fri so i can have a long weekend so wed afternoon i was like#are u good to cover me thurs and fri and she was like yes absolutely take off go home actually go home now#so i left and hour early wed and then let all my managers and supervisors and bosses know i was taking off#so why do i wake up today (still sick this headache will Not go away) and everyone has texted asking if im coming in today#and i saw all their messages late bc i was sleeping so now i just feel really guilty chxjcjx#taking time off always makes me feel guilty and anxious working life has beaten me down into the perfect employee 🫠#i always assume theyre gonna think im faking it#and my supervisor made a crack at our staff meeting abt me taking a bunch of sick leave lasg year??????#which isnt true i only used my 2 weeks vacation so idk what that was abt#it just made me stress more 😭😭😭😭#too late to worry abt it now but i still am :)
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i don't really want to bc like. there's many reasons for me to stay but. i don't think this tumblr life is for me anymore
#obvs im gonna keep this blog like i'm not. gonna go away. i can't lol!#i need to have a space to post when i do have stuff to post ... with gachiakuta otw ofc !!!#but i think it's time .... i admit to myself i cant do this the way i did anymore#not even back in like. 2021 but even just. last year. im not someone who can sustain interaction no matter how much i want to#there's just too much on my mind and im too anxious and way too insecure and with the election i have students to take care of#my family to prioritize and i have to move house and get my credentials and my degree so i can get a job.#it's just too much really to be worrying about what i can do here .. ive been in denial for so lng#not that that changes anything for anyone here or anyone reading this. i'm not disappearing and im still gonna be reading.#but i need to officially relieve myself of duty... iN MY MIND. if that makes any sense.#im sure i'll write again one day. my writing has come so far and ive finally noticed. and im so grateful to have tried so hard#i never let myself down once. thats for certain. i did what i could when i could#but i can't anymore and that has to be okay bc its whats happening.#anyway nothing's changing dw there's just been a shift in my psyche thats all#and i might post less and reblob more .. but that's all!#still love u ofc <3#caitie blabs
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i rememorized how to solve a rubik's cube!
#unfortunately i accomplished this at 3am last night ;-;#i stayed up late for hw again and then needed a break#i love my stellar class sm bc the prof is such a down to earth and silly guy#who really prioritizes student lesrning over grades#and i love that so so so very much#and the content in class is cool!!!#the hw just takes me forever#and with everything else i have to do it piles up and i keeping staying up late to do it ;-;#and then after doing that + staring at a screen/coding for so many hours in a row i need a break before i go to bed#and then i stay up later#and by that time it's too late for melatonin#so i end up staying up later bc even though i'm exhausted i can't fall asleep bc i'm anxious#about the fact that it's late + how little sleep i'm going to get + whether or not i'll sleep through my alarms#+ the parts of the hw i still have left + the one million tasks i've put off and still need to do#tldr: i got like 4 hours of sleep and woke up 30 mins before class and rushed to campus (i didn't get to shower)#and i barely ate anything and i feel like shit#i'm about to eat lunch but i am shaky and unwell#i keep telling myself i can't keep living like this but i can't figure out how to not be in this situations ;-;#<- oh wow that's a lot of tags o.o#if you got to the end of them pls know i love + appreciate you sm for listening to me <3#i will be okay. just having a rough time rn#zip quips
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Some very novice fanart of Here for You by @aeryssickfics, which I simply cannot recommend enough!!! I've already lost count of how many times I've read it. There's something about Tighnari's vulnerability in that fic which I absolutely love!!
Took some liberties with his hand and feet anatomy because I couldn't be bothered to figure out if canon has anything to say about that. Also, I just want him to have claws, so that he can use them if he needs to :) And I put him in a comfy shirt because I could not possibly have pulled off his usual outfit because he deserves it =v=
Non-textured version under the cut for those who prefer a smoother look!
#cas scribbles#tw vomit#tw emeto#sick tighnari#tighnari genshin impact#this was meant as a gift but i had issues with sending it via ask so!! i hope this is okay!#i am. trying to let go of all of the critiques i still have of this piece#i realize i'm much better at writing than art!! and yet i have more fun with art#i didn't use references for this (clearly 💀) so. don't look to close?? lmao#whatever the most important part was making his tail look fluffy!! which i think it does =v=#anyway i'm procrastinating posting this but my internet just went out 3x in a row so#here goes#if you've read all of my anxious talking-to-myself-tags this is for you ----------- > <3
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Could the world give me a fucking break, please???
#I found out some time ago that my dad had a mild stroke at work yesterday and is now in hospital#they are pondering if they need to operate him#luckily he's now okay and I have chatted with him myself#but still#I hope they don't need to operate bc of obvious reasons#but ofc if they need to they need to#it's just horrifying#and my own operation was only a bit more than a year ago so yaaay (not)#ugh this week even felt ok so far and now I'm anxious af#this world just keeps throwing me shit and I'm sick of it#Emptiness rambles
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I have been. Very anxious about my puppy's mortality tbh but today when talking to the vet she said she'd recommend getting her blood rechecked in 3 months...
3 whole months... She really thinks she's gonna live 3 more months... In 4 months she'll be 17... Cookie..........
(Obligatory old baby photos)
#i HATE saying things about her bc the universe hates me and every time i report that she's doing good#something goes wrong. this time she has been doing great on the arthritis shot. but now she has a UTI.#we seem to have caught it pretty early i think. so it should be okay.#should be. i get anxious just typing it. ugh.#*new creative post tag here*#ftr as long as we can kick this uti's ass i think the vet could be right. earlier this month i would not have thought that#but the arthritis shot last week has helped sooo much. she's getting around so well now and is a lot happier.#her bloodwork is mostly good other than a high kidney value that the vet said is still on the low side of bad!#we're gonna stop one of her arthritis meds that can be hard on kidneys. hoping that the shot is doing enough that she doesnt need it#i may also start her on a diet for it. like i'm gonna try but idk if she'll go with it. we'll see!#but yeah. my baby puppy. thanks for reading if you got this far lol.
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Everyone clap, I actually went out with friends instead of being sad alone 👏👏
#did i consider cancelling? yes#but did i miss them and went anyways and had a good time? YES#something about spiralling and isolating yourself from everyone and stuff#and i still feel incredibly guilty for not texting back and reaching out but. i went and it was fine 🥺#and i'm well aware they are very frustrated (lovingly) with me and YET#we laughed and talked and hugged and went to an arcade and it was FUN and OKAY#i'm still incredibly anxious for no good reason but i am very proud of myself. baby steps i suppose#anyways i am on my way home and i am so so excited to go to bed and have some tea and unwind#darya talks to herself
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Hi everyone! Just as a blanket statement: Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! I hope everyone who celebrates Christmas has a wonderful day and that you spend the holiday in the way that makes you happy and that you enjoy. And for anyone who doesn't celebrate Christmas or prefers not to, the same sentiment goes to you! I hope you have a wonderful and restful day!
Love you all!!
#I'm uh... still working on the not being anxious or having a borderline panic attack or just being in general not okay during christmas#and I'm hoping that doing this helps? idk I'm just glad I'm not having an entire breakdown like I did last year mdjwhcjiajsis I was not oka#and tbh this time of year is still really fucking rough for me but it is what it is some years will be better than others#I haven't cried this year (yet) so hey that's a win for me /lh#data log: personal
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is it too late to ask for a better brain for christmas?
#i just wanna eat#but#i cant eat anything from the fridge cause we were gone for 4 days and even though we opened the bread and cheese before we left#if someone doesn't eat from sth for more than a couple days in my mind it has gone bad. idk why but yeah#and i cant eat my leftover tortellini cause they made it 11 hours ago and we were in the car so obviously we couldn't put them in the fridge#and they were with heavy cream so there's no way I'm eating that#and the more i think about what to eat the more overwhelmed and anxious i get and the less i want to eat#and no one gets it. like okay it's my fault for never sharing what's going on in my head#but it's clear ive got issues and im tired of hearing everyone joke about how if they ate like me theyd lose the weight they wanna lose#like seriously just shut up#whatever anyways#i still dont know what to eat but ive been wanting to complain about this#also i have a sleeping kitty on my lap and thats all that matters#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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