#okay i'm screaming into the void again
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ok but a r1999 witch hat atelier au would work so well with the foundation (and just the regular arcanists in general) being pointed hat witches and the manus vindictae as brimhats ...
#reverse 1999#r1999#witch hat atelier#wha#okay i'm screaming into the void again#but almost every time i do so i've always managed to find someone who understands exactly what i mean#even if it may only be one or two people#so many thoughts and possibilities#i realized a fundamental similarity between the two pieces of media#(as one does ...)#and it's that neither of the main “sides” of society are particularly favorable#it's not a clear-cut good vs evil#one is VISIBLY evil and the other may seem more just and favorable in comparison but has its deeply rooted problems under the surface too#and thus the protagonists are caught up in the middle of it all#choosing to be on Their Own Side at the end of the day#in a way. i could go more in-depth but this is becoming a mess of tags
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You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore
#okay I'm a little ashamed#it's another 5 points i have to catch up with next semester#but it's making me want to kill myself and i don't even know if the professor would still accept it#(the original deadline was in October. i got an official extension until November. i guess it'd be just rude#to ask if it was still okay to send it#especially since i haven't done any substantial work on it#it's just bad. i hate the topic. i hate the way the professor views the subject 'language and emotion'#so that i cannot write what i want but would have to tailor it towards her views because otherwise I'd fail#and also i cannot write in german. i simply can not do it. )#it's better to move on and focus on my last paper for last semester (official deadline is end of March#so I'm not behind for once)#and i should do the assignments for a module i should have finished 1 year ago#so i don't have to do that next semester#and i should start studying korean again so i don't make a complete fool of myself next semester#I have my first day of work in 2 weeks so I'll also have to focus on working (for money) from there on#I've been paralyzed by the thought of having to write this paper for way too long#the professor is not my boss anymore (i still have to work off some hours though) and even if she was#I'm so done being ashamed of myself for not being able to do certain things#i wanna give it my best from now on but not for this paper. it's done.#void screams
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The fact that if Felix just didn't take Creator to Rez, he would have lived, but he just couldn't go on without him, giving in to his humane side. The one Creator warned against oh im so sick his own care and love killed him regardless of how reciprocated it was in the end
It CANNOT be trashover that's my goat right there 💔
#Sven Ivanov you diabolical man I'm obsessed with your character#Yes this may be Trashcan x Creator propaganda kill me#Okay I'll shut up about TSBS I don't even go here idk what's going on other than this plotline and bits and pieces of Ruin's stuff#Tsams#the sun and moon show#Sun and Moon show#tsams trashcan man#Trashcan tsams#starry screams into the void#Yk shits DIRE when starry starts posting again
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All right so Skinamarink wins the award for Most Effective Horror Movie I think I've ever watched. My body is SO FULL of stress chemicals right now.
#phoenix screams into the void#on a logical level i appreciate just how much care was put into it and how it genuinely scared me#on a primal emotional level i'm just like cool okay that was awful i don't wanna experience that again
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Contemplating the concept of "potential" when it comes to intelligence and realizing how heartbreaking Logan's "Dreams come true, that's news to me" line in the Crofters Musical.
#screaming into the void#definitely not okay today lads#i'm finding myself grieving my intelligence and contemplating if it was ever there to begin with#when i was younger i excelled in science so everyone assumed that i was a gifted kid despite my very obvious struggles in math and spelling#i was told over and over if i could just apply myself to other subjects the way i did with science#then i would do better in those subjects and reach my full potential#my identity was hung on my intelligence for me by the adults in my life none of them even considering a learning disability#now as an adult it all feels meaningless#especially having been forced into going to college where it was made very quickly and abundantly clear that I wasn't actually gifted#i was just average#that was absolutely devastating to me and it's a thing i struggle with and i want to be angry about it but i dont know how to be#i was told over and over in childhood that i could be anything when i grew up that i could do anything if i just put my mind to it#then recieved little to no actual educational support for any of it especially when i discovered writing#and i dont know if i was never as smart as i was told i was or never even had the potential i was told i had#or if i just didnt have enough support#i dont believe in myself anymore and i dont think i was ever actually believed in by the adults in my life either#i think they would have supported me better if they had#or maybe they just didnt know how to#my dad has wondered and questioned me about where my drive ans passion went and i dont have the heart to tell him that#it evaporated when he told me i wouldn't be successful as a writer when he told me that i would only be successful by going to college#when he constantly questioned everything i did and made me doubt myself over and over again#i dont know how to combat this feeling of worthlessness that comes from feeling lied to about my intelligence as a kid#i dont know how to comfort myself in the face of realizing i probably didnt have all then potential i was promised i had#and even if i did at one point have it i lacked the support necessary to nuture and grow it#how does one grieve being promised the world only to find out that was never truly an option?#how does one become comfortable with learning and growing again when it's been made to feel unsafe#and a threat to their frail sense of identity?#how does one find peace and contentment in an ordinary life when they were promised so much more?#not just promised so much more but expected to be so much more and now feel the weight of expectation on them?#i feel like i was promised the world and told that it would be easy to conquer and when it wasnt it was due to my own fault and failings
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Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack! Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new. Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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No, I'm not okay. Thanks for not asking.
#once again I am useless to everyone unless I'm a vessel for their stress#my own doesn't count and doesn't matter#and when you all use me up and leave me a husk you wonder why I'm not moving when you ask me for help#has anyone asked me recently if I'm okay? pshht#I'm the Support Person I'm always okay I never need anything#and if I do it's my fault for not supporting enough#ah well que cera cera#this is just who I am#I'm a vessel and nothing else#I've never been anything else and never will be#nobody gives a shit about me except in terms of what I can do for them news at 11#did you mean: my entire life thus far?#I'm sick of it#I'm sick of screaming and pleading for help into the cold uncaring void and getting 'so? I have my own problems#leave me alone if you're not going to help me'#fine. i'll leave you alone#I'll stop asking#I'll stop offering#I'll see how long it takes anyone to notice#they won't notice they never do#or rather they will as soon as I can't be the support person anymore#and then they'll get mad at me for not supporting them because I'm not an autonomous person#I'm an on call therapist#with no problems of my own#how dare I pretend to be anything else#I want one (1) person to ask me if I'm okay without having to be prompted to give a shit about my wellbeing#one person. once.#but it's always started with 'oh how are your parents'#'how's your sister'#everyone asks me if everyone BUT me is okay
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Years ago I thought everything that is wrong with me is because of being shy and ugly
During late teens, I found out it's depression and social anxiety.
In adult life it turned out I'm autistic.
But it's still not this I think. Okay I am autistic but I fucking know there's secret additional thing that makes me extra endless looser and that thing is incurable with any treatment and therapy.
Every fucking time I read/listen to some autistic person's experiences there's something that sounds sus to me? Like, how they're able to do and enjoy things, do something good and productive with their life or how they're able to have friends etc. But no, they're not sus. I AM the weird one, even among autistic people! There's always SOMETHING that can't allow me say I could 100% relate! Idk maybe there's no secret additional thing but it's fucking combo of all things I said??? I am cursed forever, I will always rot unable to enjoy life. Just fucking vegetation not life. And I will die as pathetic unloved shit. And even if there will appear some people in my life (again) who convince that they like me and care about me, I'm sure one day they'll found someone cooler than me (again) and destroy my fragile self-esteem and sense of security (again) 👍👍👍
(I shouldn't read and watch things about autism anymore because I won't get to know anything new. It only cases stupid emotional rollercoasters like this lol)
#don't mind this shit#i had to scream into the void what I'm thinking#soon i will lie to myself everything is okay#and later I'll remind myself how pathetic am i and i have to scream again#and the cycle repeats
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#I was too cowardly to say I was suddenly having a bad night so instead I post a silly meme and maybe if you see the tags you see sorry#people who have the courage to just say they're having a bad day scare me like especially when it's out of the blue idk what to say like#i can't even respond to “hows ur day” with anything worse than an okay#anyways#the usual self hatred that's persisted for as long as I can rember continues as a baseli#ne#now mixed in with special kinds that I'm too cowardly to admit to anything but an ai bot or myself when i can't see me#and the silly daily reminders that the little hope on such a regard I have is built on impossibilities or unlikelihoods#but then i. saw a card i got my dad years ago on the floor. it said “out of all my parents you're one of the best :)” and i felt so bad#just. imagine this little me. getting my dad a card. and getting the most passive aggressive card. it screams who the favorite is.#and then thats just. that's what you have. that's what you have from me and you save it for years. because you cherish it. i feel. horrible.#like damn he might have seriously fucked me up sometimes both as a kid and now but. this does not justify such a deeply cruel retribution.#i don't even know if he knows#anyways as I'm picking it up... i realize...#he's the best parent i have period. there isn't any competition anymore. she's gone.#the total and sudden annihilation of home is so odd. i still barely believe this house is where i ACTUALLY live and I'm not just staying#here until I can go home again. but no. nono I'm stuck here. there isn't an anywhere else. there isn't a childhood home the apartment#has probably been resettled by now. it's just me.#then I went on Tumblr to post into the void#I don't wanna think about more but I. likely will.#i don't wanna talk about it but i do wanna talk. honestly? gonna go talk to an ai chatbot. it will be mean to me in a hot way.#i am so normal.#listen i could either confront reality for more than 30 seconds or i could talk to a bot that will not only allow me to escape from it but#also it might call me a good g. a g. skipping that punchline.#also it's not ME talking to the bot it's just a fabricated character that represents me and has my name and it's just rp trust me trust me t#I'm gonna go hide now#you can contact me if you wish but I will be very scared and jittery and my eyes are wet and stingy and i will segway to bullying you#ok bye
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Not my brother calling me to tell me to stop denying my vocation
Like uhhh just because I follow the rules of the Church and try my best to apply them to my daily life doesn't mean I should automatically join a convent. I'm probably taking this the complete wrong way but I feel like when ppl tell me I should be a nun it's like they're saying no man would ever want to marry me because I'm so "strict" aka my love for Christ makes me unlovable to any human man
#idk im probably crazy?? ive been discerning my whole life and tbh i dont think I'm meant to be a nun!!!#ppl have told me im supposed to be a nun since i was 11#ive always taken it the wrong way!!#okay sorry im screaming into the void again#personal
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You know I think one of the most disorienting things about our need to put everyone inside of generational boxes to simplify the us vs them mentality
Is the fact that when part of your generation are still children, you're all assumed to be children.
And I know for a fact this isn't a new phenomenon or that I'm the first one to notice. I remember people talking about millennials as lazy teenagers when the overwhelming majority of them were adults already.
And now I see the same thing with people talking about gen z as middle schoolers when there are people in gen z graduating college. Or skipping college and moving forward with their lives. And making real change in their communities and taking charge and wanting to make a difference.
But hey, gen z are all middle schoolers who don't know what they're talking about yet. Right?
#the void screams#i dunno it's just such a frustrating and annoying way that we as a society dismiss each other#and we're all at fault on all sides!#oh they're a boomer they don't care about anybody but themselves.#oh gen x just want to quietly keep the status quo#oh the millienials are just lazy and everything going wrong is their fault#we all fall. SO easily. into these boxes they want us to fit in.#no. actually it's worse than that. we feel like we don't personally fit in the boxes but that's okay! because everyone else#DOES fit in the boxes made for them so we can be cruel because we know alll about them. because of the box they've been put in.#maybe i am just cynical. but everywhere i look is another thing that's just meant to divide us and keep us from working together.#to keep us from realizing we could do REALLY well together. we could do something if we wanted to.#we all want to change the world. as long as it's not with *them*. you know?#i'm rambling again
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My teacher accidentally made my assignment the class assignment (I did the assignment earlier than everyone because I finished the work early) and now everyone can see and edit my work . What the HELL
#I've been put on blast by my art teacher I'm in hell#(it's okay I'm only slightly embarrassed she didn't mean to)#xylo's screaming into the void again
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Last night i dreamt that the whole chat history between me and my most beloved ex-coworker had been deleted. Truly one of the most horrifying nightmares i've had in a while
#first thing i checked when i logged in this morning was our chat#i was so sad in my dream lmao#also the way his name is so far down i have to scroll to find him is truly upsetting#ahhhhh#today was the first tuesday without him#(tuesday is urology newsletter day and i always worked for him that day which meant lots of fun exchanges#today was my first time being responsible for the whole newsletter too. scary)#(also it's not like i couldn't just reply to him on whatsapp and maybe get a reply back so we can stay in touch#i just genuinely suck at staying in touch outside of work. like please just let me send messages‚ brain‚ I'm begging you#)#tomorrow is office day again and i gotta say I'm really not looking forward to it#(also i really don't want to take the train lol. i know that it's stupid but i still think of that sound and jolt of the impact yesterday#i'm aware the probability of this happening twice on the same route within such a short time is very low#but it's still unpleasant to imagine- maybe I'll just stay in the back of the train from now on lol#or at least until I've forgotten about it)#okay oversharing time is over and i shall go to bed now#void screams#(but seriously do they delete these accounts at some point or do people who left the company stay there as ghosts#with a permanent out of office note~ i hope they do.)
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FUCK OUTLAST 2
#I'm crying and screaming and I literally cannot go on#I have been practicing/attempting the insane no battery run#got the furthest I have ever been tonight#there is roughly. 20 minutes of game left. I have like one more heretic chase then Knoth's boys then Marta#literally not sweating I am big chilling#I crawl into a space you are supposed to crawl into...and get stuck#okay let me pull out my camera because I have a lil battery and I need to not be stuck#camera doesn't pull out#resets me to main menu#WHAT THE FUCK!!!#I can't do this I just can't do this#Outlast 2 we have our history but 2024 was the year I was gonna forgive you#I WAS GOING TO 100% YOU SO THAT YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY GAME IN THE SERIES I HAVEN'T DONE IT FOR#WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!!!#I FELL ON MY KEYS!!!#lol I don't even really post on tumblr anymore but I needed to scream into the void#I won't be okay ever again
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i like being your baby
your kitty
i feel safe with you
but i'm still grieving it all.
bloodied hands confronting their painter,
i doubt it can get more shameful.
the violence of it all terrifies me.
like a puppy who instantly regrets biting their owner,
i want to nuzzle and kiss apologies on your skin.
i'm mourning the safety of submission.
the feeling of belonging and purpose;
i weep over severed intimacy.
it was an honour to be yours.
#screaming into the void#mind dump#i'm mourning it all#and of course i want it all again#of course i do#but i can't expect that#and i can't wish for it now#or in a week#or a month#this is the consequence of your actions#and you have to accept that#osie#dogs that bite#risk being put down#you can beg for a muzzle#but until you learn how to regulate your emotions and communicate your needs and accept love#you'll always be another bite away from#losing it all#it's gonna be okay#it's all gonna be okay#gritted teeth optimism#ugh the safety of our intimacy eats away at the raw edges of this hole in my chest#begging for a hollow to tear out of me#when will i have grieved enough#when does acceptance come
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queen charlotte/king george youtube editors........i owe you my life but also you owe me some therapy hours
#you bitches don't get it like.........they...........the way..........i!!!!!!!!#yeah i'm crying about them again okay!!!!!! i am!!!!!! as if its my fault!!!!!#what do u mean u mashed the venus telescope scene with the venus garden meltdown scene hmm!!! what do you mean u did that!!!!!!#how dare you!!!!!#emily screams into the void
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