#okay here we go there's gonna be a whole buncha these

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

early draft Bob Velseb Fanfic

(im still working on a small comic to accompany this fic before i release it officially, but i would appreciate the feedback, so dont hesitate to comment as it encourages me to make more art for the au. This comic takes place after the events of this post.) For reference, the woman in this image next to bob is Mary-Anne

then in this image, from left to right (no including Bob in the middle) we have Roxy, Greta, Sparrow, Ash, Trixie, Jane (who's the bar's manager and doesn't appear in the fic), and Billie (who is the bar's bouncer)

Fic is below the readmore. And I kinda recommend looking back at the images every so often to keep track of who's who, cus there's a lot of lesbians hanging out chatting in this fic.

Hanging out in the mismatched collection of old sofas in the lounge area of the local lesbian bar, some of the bar’s regulars were having a casual chat. When another of the regulars, a woman named Mary-Anne, excitedly came up to the group with a laptop in hand. Mary: “Hey you girls wanna see my latest true crime theory?! I think I've got a really good one this time!” Sparrow: “YEEEEAAAAHhhhhhh! Lemme see it! Show us what detective work ya been up to!” Trixie: “Did you finally see if I’ve done any murders I didn't know about? You said you’d check.” Mary: “Yeah I know, and I'll get to it eventually, but I found something way more interesting…… Barbra.” Sparrow: “Barbra?” Mary: “Yeah!” She sets up the laptop on the table, the women all crowding around to get a look, as Mary-Anne puts on a dramatic, though still a bit joking, tone and pose.

Mary: “Barbra, could secretly be, the notorious serial killer…. Bob Velseb.”

Ash: “Who?” Sparrow: “No fucking way! The Halloween cannibal from that other town down south? How’ed you make that connection?”

Roxy: “Excuse me, Cannibal?!”

Ash: “That’s pretty metal actually. Wish looking into me found connections to crimes that sick.” Greta: “Ummm, isn’t that man dead?”

Sparrow: “Wait yeah good point. The news said he got caught and killed by police last Halloween night. Shouldn't that be like, disqualifying for what hypothetical crimes you think your friends might have committed?”

Mary: “Wellllll…. yeah, supposedly he even had an autopsy and everything. But It fits too well if you just ignore the whole being dead thing!”

Roxy: “Hey! Don't you buncha freaks go just comparing Barbra to people like that. She hasn't even been around that long. Don't need you scaring her off with your true crime detective mess when I know you didn't even ask if she was okay with it first!”

Mary: “But it's suuuuuuuch a good one though!”

Trixie: “Yeah lighten up, I doubt she's gonna mind. I mean it's not like Barbara is actually gonna be a DEAD criminal. And especially with those morbid jokes she likes, she'll probably think it's hilarious.”

Roxy: “Nuh-Uh! I don't care how funny it is. She's still doing this without asking! It's one thing for her to look into yalls lives like a creepy stalker when you ask her to. But don't you go encouraging her with that spying into people's business shit without permission!”

Mary: “Aww come on.”

Ash: “Okay, I'm actually gonna agree with Roxy here. I mean what if one day, I really have to murder someone? I don't need Sherlock Holmes getting on my trail ten minutes later. You could at least ask first.”

Sparrow: “Come on, that's different! I'm sure you'd have a good reason if you did ever murder someone. And she'd be more likely to help you bury the body than turn you in. We all would.”

Roxy: “Nuh-uh, I still don't like this biz. Plus, isn't Barbra a trans woman? You'd probably end up hurting her feelings more by comparing her to a dead MAN than to the whole criminal thing.”

Sparrow: “Wait, since when was Barbra trans?”

Ash: “She was kinda making it obvious with that wig she always wears.”

Sparrow: “Wait really? I thought she was wearing the wig because she had some grizzly scar or something on her head from the car crash and didn't want to call attention to it. I mean they did say she had a bad head injury. Like it's why they said she's always wearing the sunglasses even when inside. The concussion like, messed up her ability to look directly at bright lights or something.”

Ash: “...Yeah okay that's a fair point I didn't need to immediately jump to her wearing the wig being to make her pass better. But like, there's still a lot of stuff besides that. Plus Caprica admitted to it. Barbra definitely used to be a dude.”

Greta: “Doesn't really matter if she's trans regardless, since she only ever really flirts with Caprica.”

Trixie: “I'd fuck her even with a dick like are you fucking kidding me? She's hot as hell.”

Sparrow: “Oh my god same! I swear Barbra is wasted on that woman.”

Roxy: “Yeah, but like, I ain't gonna pretend I wouldn't get a massive crush too if some lady pulled my fat ass out of a burning car wreck and lemme stay at her place while I recover like Caprica did. That's like some fairytale relationship shit.”

Trixie: “Exactly! if I got my life saved all dramatically by someone who's not just gay, but gay AND single ANNND they let you stay at their house for free? I wouldn't even care if they were hot or not. You'd have to be a real big piece of shit to be getting rid of me anytime soon. I'd be grabbing on with both hands. Maybe not as hard as Barbra seems to be, but still.”

Greta: “Umm, I meant more that she's not pressuring anybody, so it wouldn't matter either way what she has.”

Mary: “We're getting off topic! I wanna talk about my cool theory!”

Ash: “Right, right, let's hear it.”

Roxy: “Let's NOT hear it! She didn't ask Barbra for permission!”

Sparrow: “Well since she's already put it together, the least we could do is go over it and let her know if it'd be a mistake to tell Barbra and hurt her feelings. Like if it is something really insulting, it would be better to act like it never happened right?”

Roxy folds her arms and grumbled, but otherwise stops complaining. Letting Mary-Anne get on with it.

Tapping on her laptop for a second before turning it around to show a PowerPoint style compilation of research and pictures, starting with Bob's prison mugshot, which the ladies leaned in to see.

Mary: “So here's what I found. So we've got this Bob Velseb guy right? Notorious cannibal serial killer, captured on Halloween night a few years ago and put in prison.”

Billie: “....Did you really make a whole presentation for this?”

Mary: “I told you, it's a really good one! And I had to keep my evidence somewhere anyway. So it's like a digital scrapbook, and I just cleaned it up some to show you.”

Trixie, with a bit of a teasing tone: “Becha wish you could make a whole corkboard setup with red yarn instead.”

Mary: “I sooooooo would, but it’s just too hard to fit that sort of thing in my car and drive it around. You all gotta come meet at my house so I can have the excuse to set up a real one!” Billie: “....Amateur detective potluck.” Mary: “Omg yes. With like a bunch of detective based desserts! Sparrow: Chalk outline chocolate cookies!

Ash: “Halloween coleslaw.” Roxy, through half muffled snickering: “Girl, the fuck is halloween coleslaw??” Mary: “We’re getting off track! Back to what I was saying…”

She switches to the next slides showing clips from newspapers and the like.

Mary: “So he stays in prison for awhile. But then last year, he escapes from prison with a few other small time criminals.

And he spends a few months killing people, like 8 or 9 bodies being found, all with the same M - O. Until Halloween night comes around again. He goes after the same family he got caught while trying to kill that other Halloween. And it leads to an encounter with the police who kill him in a shootout. Where he's brought to the morgue for an autopsy and has the cause of death confirmed…..

BUT!!!”

She changes to the next slide, which was talking about a car crash, a man found dead, and had a map with some areas marked in mspaint.

Mary: “The next day after the news report of Mr. Velseb’s death goes out, we have this weird little event happen. So there’s this man, who was supposedly on his way to a hunting trip? He's found stabbed to death on the side of the road here.”

She zooms in on the map, showing the road between this town and the weird little town where Bob comes from, and points to the marked location just past the outskirts of Bob's town.

Mary: “Now wild animals had gotten to the corpse before it was found, so it was pretty mangled, but he had definitely been stabbed. Which is a bit of evidence that could link to the knife wielding serial killer. Bob Velseb, also known as the devil butcher, so named because he used to be a butcher and ended up feeding his victims to his patrons.”

Roxy: “Oh, no, ew why'd you have to go and tell me that?”

Mary: “Well I had to give you the context that this is a guy who stabs people, so we should be looking for stuff like this where the victim was stabbed.”

Roxy: “You could've just said he stabs people!”

Mary: “Well, he also tends to butcher and eat people so we gotta keep an eye out for…”

Billie, in her slightly monotone, but firm voice: “Maybe cool it with the gruesome details.” 

Mary: “Alright alright. It's not super relevant right now anyway, since it looks to me like the guy was in too much of a rush anyway to actually butcher anyone. Because the interesting thing for us…. is this man's truck.”

She points to a location further down the road, on the outskirts of their own town/small city and close to one of the parks.

Mary: “His truck… was found here. Crashed into a ditch, blood all over the inside of it, but no body. So if it had been a regular crash, then the hunter's body should have been right here with his car, not all the way back here covered in stab wounds. So according to the evidence, he was stabbed to death here, had his car stolen by someone who looked to be pretty injured themselves, which was then driven all the way here… to our town.”

Roxy: “Guuuurl…. Shut the hell up! That is sinister as fuck! You're telling me we've got somethin coming up from that creepy ass missing kids town, to over where we live? Man I don't even care if it happened the day after some big time serial killer died. That should still be a big ass problem!”

Mary: “Don't worry, it gets even better!”

Billie: “I think you mean worse.” 

Mary: “Yeah! It gets even worse! So in the days after this body was found up until now, the number of murders went way up for about a month or so. With the bodies matching Bob Velsebs usual modus operandi. Showing up stabbed and mangled with pieces missing. With even a few cops getting killed in that time! 

And then after that, even though there weren't any more bodies being found, the number of missing persons still stayed higher. Almost like a murderer who used to work out in the open….  was now covering his tracks.”

Trixie: “That's spooky as hell! Why's this the first time I'm hearing about somebody out there killing people??”

Billie gave a bit of a knowing look as she explained: “Because what we're listening to is a conspiracy. She's not seeing the evidence and working from it, she's made a theory first and is putting together all the information that supports the theory. That's how these true crime conspiracies work. It's good for a spooky campfire story, but there's a reason why the actual detectives aren't saying the same thing and telling the local news to spread the word.”

Roxy: “Man, you're just gonna be working me up over nothing then.”

Mary: “Not REALLY nothing, this stuff has actually happened.”

She then pitches her voice low and spooky for emphasis.

Mary: “And who knows, maybe there really was a cover up with the serial killer not actually being killed.”

Sparrow: “Yeah! Don't be a spoilsport! So like, so…. Like… uhhh… so how does this stuff have anything to do with Barbra though? Like you're saying the death of this Bob guy was a cover up, but how does this connect to Barbra?”

Mary: “Well first up, their descriptions are very similar. Barbra has the right height and build for…”

Billie: “How tall did they say this Velseb guy was?”

Mary: “Uhhh….”

She flipped through the presentation back to the mugshot 

“6 foot 4.”

Billie: “Yeah, that's about right for Barbra.”

Showing her experience as a bouncer with being able to judge people's height from comparing them to their ID's.

Mary: “Right! Hair color, skin, build, even the accents match too.”

Sparrow: “Cool! That's already way better than when you tried to link me to any murders!”

Mary: “I know right!”

Greta: “Still, that's just looking like a dead serial killer. If you're only going based off of just happening to know someone who matches the description, that could still lead to hurt feelings.”

Mary: “But that's the thing, it's not only looking the same. Like for instance, think about how Barbara and Caprica said they met.”

Billie: “.... A car accident.”

Mary: “Right! And what started off this whole uptick in violent crime? This guy getting killed, getting his truck stolen, then whoever stole it crashing the truck into a ditch on the outskirts of the town.”

Trixie: “That's not the same type of accident they described in how they met though.”

Mary: “Yeah, but any good cover story has an element of truth in it.”

Ash: “So you're basically saying, that Caprica pulled somebody out of a wreck, who turned out to be a cannibal serial killer that the cops covered up the death of. And who instead of cannibal serial killing her, fell head over heels in love, and now…. what, they're like a serial killer power couple or something? So is Caprica secretly a serial killer now too?”

Mary: “Weeeeeeeelllllllll…. Kinda? Yeah? I mean, turns out, Capricas actually kinda legit been through some horrible stuff in real life. Buuuuut I'm not so sure about talking about that stuff since it, you know, actually 100% happened to her.”

Trixie: “Shit, so you're saying she actually has some kind of excuse for how trying to make smalltalk with her, makes her look like she's offended you even thought to try and speak to her?

It's not like… you know. Because of some guy…. Right?”

Mary: “No, no, nothing like that.”

Greta: “Well… you might as well tell us since we've come this far.”

Mary: “....Okay. Just a sec.”

She goes to the laptop, clicks open a web browser, and takes a moment to look up the right event.

Mary: “Okay, so over a decade ago, there was this thing that happened at a campsite near here, where this big elk supposedly ate something bad, like old rat poison from the 70s or something, which made it freak out and go on a violent rampage where it gored a bunch of campers to death.”

She steps back to show an old newspaper clipping with a picture of Caprica and a bunch of young scouts.

Mary: “Caprica was one of the few survivors, who also saved a bunch of cub scouts by having them climb a tree where the elk couldn't reach them.”

Sparrow: “Hold on, I actually recognize this one! That's the state record for the single most people killed in a single day due to an animal attack! So Caprica was one of the people involved in it the whole time? That's wild!”

Ash: “From hero to serial killer….. That's pretty brutal of her…. Nice.”

Sparrow: “Of course the lady who still dresses goth every day even though she's pushing 40 would have that be the takeaway here.”

Ash: “I know what I'm about.”

Trixie: “That still seems like a bit of a reach though.”

Billie: “I’ll reiterate. This is a conspiracy theory being made up for fun. It's going to be full of reaches.”

Trixie: “No I mean, Barbra is absolutely crazy for that girl. Like remember that one time? (comic about bob drowning his sorrows in liquor because caprica had to go to a doctors appointment and he couldn't come along.) Trixie: “It just seems disproportionate to fall that hard after a life of murder and cannibalism, to Caprica of all people.”

Sparrow: “You literally just said a few minutes ago if you were in Barbara's position getting your life saved, they wouldn't be able to get rid of you if they tried.”

Trixie: “What, am I suddenly not allowed to embellish a little? But I mean, come on, haven't you seen the two of them enough? Heck, starting out I was more worried that Caprica was like… like she didn't even want to be in a relationship?”

Ash: “I always got the opposite impression personally, like she was taking advantage of Barbra. She's always acting so mean to her. Like with us she's at least trying to be polite, but not so much with Barb. I've been trying to keep an eye for any other red flags like that, but Barbra’s never seemed to mind soooo….”

Greta: “Hey now, let's not start implying Caprica is abusive. It's clear she's done a lot for Barbra, however begrudgingly. Even coming to the bar all these times. It's clear Caprica isn't doing it because she enjoys clubbing. Barbara's always been the one having the most fun.”

Roxy: “Yeah, let's not have this get out of hand with all these accusations.”

Mary: “And more importantly, I want better feedback on my theory! I mean of all the reasons why it could be wrong, I'd hope for better than something like “Barbra is acting way too crazy to have POSSIBLY been a deranged cannibal serial killer.”

Sparrow: “That Barbra is a certified freak 7 days a week and I love that for her.”

Roxy: “Forget about Barbra, I still don't like the thought that some cannibal serial killer has come over from that town with all the spooky shit going on and is around here terrorizing people!”

Billie: “Once again, she's not following the evidence, she's inventing a ghost story and then finding scary evidence to support the narrative while leaving out any conflicting evidence or context. If it were genuinely something to worry about, this wouldn't be your first time hearing about it.”

Trixie: “Plus it can’t actually be the cannibal serial killer guy, he's super dead.”

Mary-Anne, with a bit of a mischievous tone as she leaned in back to her presentation: “.....You know, I actually found some cell phone video of the guy getting run over I can show everyone.”

To which Billie the bouncer stood up sharply and said: “Nope. Putting my foot down. New rule. No snuff films in the bar.”

Before closing the lid of the laptop.

Mary: “Awwww what? No!”

Trixie: “Killjoy.”

Ash, clearly sarcastic and kidding around: “Yeah, no watching the brutal deaths of serial killers in a bar? What are you, homophobic or something?”

Mary: “It's actually a pretty funny video without much gore or anything. The guy gets run over by a car like 4 times in a row. Like a loony toons character.”

Billie: “I don't care how funny it is, that's the sort of stuff that can get the business in trouble.”

Roxy: “But can't we make an exception this time? I'd feel a lot better for sure knowing that guy is dead.”

Billie replies as she straightens out her pants and shirt: “It's almost time for me to start my shift, so might be best to just call it quits here.”

Mary-Anne went back to the laptop to scroll through the list of images she'd gathered for people either missing or dead.

Mary: “Awww, but I didn't even get a chance to go through the list of victims yet.”

Greta: “No, she's right. I think we've seen enough. I doubt this is anything we should be letting Barbra see. Let's just stop here before…”

Sparrow: “Wait. Scroll back up.”

Mary-Anne did as asked, scrolling a bit up again and upon seeing it Sparrows eyes got wide, and she covered her mouth in shock. Prompting a few of the others to look as well. Getting a similar look of surprise.

Ash: “Oh, wow.”

Mary: “What? What is it?”

Ash: “You weren't there that day. So you wouldn't know. But that one?”

She points at a certain picture of a man on the screen.

Ash: “That's one of the guys who grabbed Caprica that day.”

The silence hangs in the air for a moment.

Mary: “This guy?”

Ash: “Yep.”

Trixie: “Okay that's spooky. But one guy going missing is a coincidence at best. Especially the kind of guy who'd behave like he and that other jerk did. I bet he's asking for a fight everywhere he goes. So let's not jump to conclusions. Maybe if they both went missing that might be a…”

Mary: “Well let's see! What did the other one look like?”

She said with a bit of excitement, scrolling through the rest of her list of missing persons.

Billie:“.... He looked like that.”

Mary: “Huh?”

Billie stepped over, and used the laptop trackpad to scroll a bit upwards, then pointed at a specific picture in the list of missing persons. The picture of the second guy who had tried to hit on Caprica that night.

Mary: “Thats him.”

The air hung still for a moment, the weight of the realization sinking in. Trixie Being the first to break the silence with,

Trixie: “..... Well shit, Barbra and Caprica might actually be some kind of serial killers.”

Another moment of silence, until

Ash: “.....Good for them.” The humor of the response breaking the tension with an indignant, though slightly giggly response of Sparrow: “Ash! Oh my god!”

Ash: “What? Am I supposed to be upset that a pair of creeps who snuck into a gay bar and try to sexually harass the shortest lesbian they could find in the club, and right in front of her girlfriend no less, have gone missing? Good riddance if you ask me.”

Sparrow looked between the women nervously before her gaze settled on Billie: “For real though, should we… call someone about this?” Mary: “What happened to helping bury the bodies?”

Trixie: “Would probably be burying Barbra if you sent the police after her.”

Sparrow: “What?” Trixie: “Seriously, what the fuck do you think would happen if we called up the police and told them that a lesbian trans woman MIGHT be involved in the disappearance of two men? And not only that, but that we’re suspicious of her being involved in their disappearance because she got into a fight with these two dudes when they tried to “correct a woman from the deviancy of homosexuality”. You might as well be broadcasting “Hey dudes! Free target practice over here! Feel free to shoot this woman as many times as you want, because no jury is going to condemn you for murdering a butch trans woman!” to almost every trigger happy misogynist dirtbag in town.” Greta: “I knew this was going to be a mistake….”

Billie let off a sigh: “Trixie is right. We could easily be putting Barbra’s life at risk based on a coincidence she had nothing to do with. Whereas it would be a roll of the dice if it even mattered to law enforcement if she were actually guilty or not.”

Sparrow: “....I guess you’re right.”

Roxy: “Man I told y'all this was gonna be a bad idea. Now yall are speculating about turning Barbra over to the police. But you know what? I’m with Ash on this one! Even though Mary-Anne’s been trying to freak us all out trying to link all these murders to Barbra, the only real evidence we have is that two wannabe date rapists who happened to get into a fight with Barbra have now gone missin. And even if Barb and Caprica did off those two, then good on em for actually being proactive in getting rid of creeps like that. Long as they’re sticking to cleaning up trash like that, and aren’t going after any of the people I care about or who have the good sense to just be minding their own business, then I couldn't give less of a shit.” Trixie: “I hope Barbra and Caprica did kill those pigs though. Fuck the cops, I wish more of them had been killed.”

Greta: “.....I think it might be best for everyone if we just change the subject and forget the whole thing.”

Mary: “........Do you think maybe Barbra and Caprica might have room for one more in their relationship though?” Sparrow, through laughter: “OH MY GOD!” Ash, also trying to stifle a chuckle: “Dude, don’t go trying to be some couple’s third wheel just because you think they might be serial killers.”

Trixie: “Yeah, what if they say yes and then you find out they’re actually super boring and you just end up being disappointed?” Mary: “A girl can dream can’t she?” Roxy, clearly not taking it seriously: “I’d be more worried about you thinking the worst case scenario here would be them NOT being serial killers.” They continue chatting for awhile about various things before eventually going their separate ways, having all agreed not to tell Barbra or Caprica about this conversation. 

[twilightmalachite]

Ibuki Taki - Idol Story 3

Characters: Ibuki, Esu, Kanna, Yume, Raika

Translators: Mika Enstars & citrinesea

JP Proofreader: Anonymous

"That’s why this guy got angry at me?! Now hold on a moment!"

⚠️ This story brings up Ibuki's pursuit of AKATSUKI and its insensitive handling of 'wa'/和.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Summer

Location: Starmony Dorms (Exterior)

Ibuki: This is the last of the boxes? I thought that I’d gotten rid of a good amount of stuff since I was moving, but there was still tons of it, huh~

With this, the bothersome round trips have come to a close~

It took so~ long for my luggage to get here~! I thought getting it shipped from America by plane would be too expensive, so I had it shipped by sea instead~ Looks like that was a mistake, huh~?

I came to Japan forever ago, but not a single one of my luggage was here all that time.

I did bring a few changes of clothes and some carry-on bags with me, but this whole plan was more inconvenient than I thought~

Yep yep. With this, starting from today, I can finally live like a person again~♪

Location: Starmony Dorms Common Room

Esu: Hmm? As I thought, this luggage here really doesn’t have any shipping labels on them, huh~? Just who could they be for…

Ibuki: (Hm? What the…—? There’s a buncha kids swarming around all my luggage?)

( — Wait. Maybe they’re planning on stealing it!?)

(Everyone in Japan is so good-natured, so I completely let my guard down~...! While In America, you’d get your luggage stolen the second you took your eyes off of it.)

Put your hands on my luggage, and you’ll be seeing blood, ‘kay~!?

—Sound of a slam

Esu: Wha? —Gyahh!?!

—Screen fades to black

Esu: …Nngh… Ow, ouch…? My head, it hurts….

Ibuki: If you value this guy’s life, put back my luggage at once, alright? You guys are still kids, so I’ll do you a favor and go easy on you, ‘kay~?

Esu: Nnh?! I’d totally blacked out, why am I suddenly being grappled from behind by some dude I don’t know?! What the heck is going on?!

Wait!! C’mon! Kanna~, Kanna~!

Kanna: Is there something you need from me? I’m right in front of you, so there is no need for you to yell out for me.

Esu: Ooh… Aren’t you a dry one, just beyond what it means to be calm and collected! Wouldn’t you like to question the situation unfolding right in front of your very eyes?

I don’t have a clue what’s going on right now, could you throw me a bone? If there’s anyone qualified for the job, it’d be you!

Kanna: You were hit by that person’s luggage after it was thrown at you, resulting in your loss of consciousness and allowing you to become detained, Esu-san. It has been five minutes since you’ve been restrained.

Esu: I see, I understand now! Now I know what happened, but what about why?! Why am I being restrained?!

Yume: What are you doing to Yume’s Esu? Yume is against violence. Yume will be calling for help.

Ibuki: Doesn’t matter to me if you call for help~ ‘Cuz I’m just gonna sue you for trying to steal my luggage, right? That puts you at the disadvantage~

Esu: Okay. Yume, shut up for one moment, will you? I don’t need to understand the situation to tell this is going downhill fast.

…Hold on, stealing luggage?

That’s why this guy got angry at me?! Now hold on a moment! We never did anything like that! There must be some misunderstanding going on!

Ibuki: Misunderstanding…? So, you weren’t trying to steal my luggage?

Raika: Uh-hee, please… Please let Esu-sama go! You shouldn’t take away someone’s life~!

I’m often told I’m a bad kid, but I was told life is somethin’ to be valued! So I’m followin’ that teachin’ closely!

Ibuki: …It seems like you’re confessing your buddy here’s the bad guy, though?

Esu: It’s no use, here are only enemies who will only deepen this misunderstanding of mine even further!

I give up, I’ll explain my case! Just give me one second! One second to hear me out?!

Time passes…

Ibuki: Nyahaha~ Sorry~ It looks like I had the wrong idea! I’ll apologize, so can we let bygones be bygones?

I never woulda figured you thought the luggage was all left behind and tried to find the owner of it. Everyone makes mistakes, so I’d love if you could have an open-mind and not sue me, please~

Esu: I won’t sue you. I’m glad we got this misunderstanding straightened out!

Yume: Yume hasn’t forgiven him yet. Esu has a bump on his head now. Look at it! It’s all puffed up and swollen right here!

Esu: Owowow?! You’re just making it worse by pressing at it!

Kanna: Typically, something like that would have resulted in a far more serious injury. You must truly be hard-headed to get out with only a bump.

Esu: Well ya gotta be sturdy if you wanna go on adventures! An adventurer’s body is his capital!

Hm? What are you doing over there? Somethin’ smells good…

Ibuki: I caused you trouble, so I’m makin’ some “sanpin tea”~[1] for all of you— To make up for it, y’know!

Raika: “Sanpin tea”? I’ve never heard that name before. It has sorta a nice ring to it. Sansan-pinpin, san-pinpin. ♪

Ibuki: I had it sent in from Okinawa~ It’s a tea that smells like flowers, y’know~

Esu: Hm? Okinawa? All the way from Okinawa to here?

Ibuki: Ahh, now that you mention it, I haven’t introduced myself yet~

My name is Taki Ibuki. I was born in Okinawa and raised in America! I’m a newbie idol that just joined AKATSUKI~

Esu: Well, thank you for your kindness! I’m Esu, the humble and lowly leader of Esupuri—

Hm? Taki Ibuki…?

Ahh!! You’re the one NiceP was talking about! The one who was supposed to be the leader of Esupuri!

Ibuki: Ahh. Now that you mention it, Nassan said something like that.

Esu: I’m going through a real tough time all thanks to your refusal, you knoOOW?! Imagine what it’s like to be told to hold together such a troublesome group!

See, look! Everyone aside from me has already gotten bored of having tea! They’re not even paying you any mind!

Ibuki: Nyahaha~ It’s No Prob ☆

Esu: How come you turned down the leadership position for Esupuri? If you wanna become an idol, wouldn’t Esupuri have been just fine?

Ibuki: Um~mm, Esu, was it? Sorry, but that choice isn’t in the cards for me~

I’m looking for “true Japanese-style”[2]. ‘Cuz of that, I wanted to join the unit AKATSUKI at all costs. No other unit can do~

Well, I don’t think you’d fully get it, though—

Esu: Ah, I get it. Well, nothing can be done about that, then.

Ibuki: …..

Esu: Uh, what? Did I say something weird?

Ibuki: You understand how I feel, Esu? Every time I tell it to people, they don’t really seem to get it, though?

Esu: Well, I’ve only just met you, so it’s not like I understand everything…

But, I’m a bit of an adventurer myself, you know. I kinda get what it means to chase romance.

If there’s a goal you want to reach, you embark, no matter what difficulty or danger awaits ahead! That’s what it means to be an adventurer!!!!

So, what right does anyone have to stop you?

Ibuki: Nyahaha~ I never woulda thought I’d come across a kindred spirit in a place like this~ The world works in mysterious ways with the connections it brings you~

That being the case, I’m sorry to you Esu, but do your best in my place~ ‘Cuz I’ll be doing my best in AKATSUKI~

Esu: Yeah… Well, I suppose I had just given up a bit now that I’ve gotten this far. Or more like, these guys might be a troublesome bunch, and I’m not sure if I have what it takes to take care of them, but…

They really wouldn’t be able to keep things together if I weren’t here. So I’ll do what I can, one way or another.

Ibuki: It’ll be okay~ Definitely.

"Makuto so~ke~, nankuru nai sa~" as they say~♪[3]

[ ☆ ]

story directory

Sanpin Tea (さんぴん茶, sanpin-cha), a tea made from jasmine and partially fermented tea. Similar to an oolong tea, a traditional Chinese tea.

和風 (wafu, lit. tranquil wind), or Japanese-style. The kanji used here to indicate "Japanese-ness", 和 (wa), actually means "harmonious"—the second meaning of "Japanese" being one the Japanese chose for themselves, basing off the Chinese Confucian and Buddhist philosophies that Japan as a nation should have a framework of "harmony valued and quarrels avoided".

An Okinawan saying meaning “If you’ve done everything as honest as you can, it’ll all work itself somehow”. We kept this in uchinaaguchi (native name of the Okinawan language).

[jujumin-translates]

[18TRIP] Event Story | WE ARE M・T・T・B | TRACK. 1

Characters: 🫰 Chihiro Natsuyaki, 🎨 Kiroku Kinugawa, 🌕 Muneuji Kaguya, 🔮 Toi Shiramitsu, 🎸 Nanaki Nanamegi

Location: HAMA House - Terrace

Chihiro: And, there~!

Chihiro: I’ve got an urgent announcement for all of Chii Nation watching this stream right no~w!

Chihiro: So you saw that vid of me dancing with Tenchamu the other day, right? Thanks to Chii Nation, it went crazy viral ♪ Thanksies for all the views, y’all!

Chihiro: And so b-b-b-b-behold! ‘Cause of how viral it went, I got invited to a “Street Dance Competition” that a buncha influencers are going to~!

Chihiro: Ahaha! I’m glad y’all are as hyped as me~!

Chihiro: What, what~? “Isn’t the StreDan Competition the one where some of the best overseas dancers participate? Our Chii-sama is about to become the world’s Chii-sama!”?

Chihiro: No matter where you are, y’all know your Chii’s gonna be right there next to you ♪ 

Chihiro: Hmm? “That video was so cute that I kept watching it over and over again! You’re gonna compete in it obviously, right?”

Chihiro: You betcha~! Personally, I was fully prepared to attend from the start, but as y’all already know, influencer competitions gain crazy amounts of attention, y’know?

Chihiro: That’s why my president was all like, “Go and participate to raise the popularity of HAMA Tours!”, or whatever~.

Chihiro: “Are you participating in it alone?” Ah~, I knew you would be wondering about that.

Chihiro: They’ve got solo slots and team slots for five or more people for this competition, so I’m free to participate in it either way~.

Chihiro: The vid of me dancing with Tenchamu was what started the whole thing, so I kinda wanna do it with him, y’know?

Chihiro: So that’s why I’m gonna participate as a team! And the first confirmed member of the team is Tenchamu ♪ 

Chihiro: At first, he was like super not about it, but after I nonstop pestered him about it day after day, he finally said okay! So like, good job, me.

Chihiro: “Totally shipping whatever this ChiiTen dynamic is.”? As you should be~!

Chihiro: Right! So, Chii’s gonna secretly pick three more members who seem like they’ll be the most interesting, and—.

Neighborhood Cat: Nyaan.

Chihiro: Hm? “Is that cat one of the members?”

Chihiro: No way, the neighborhood meow-meow, and its babies have just been using this area as a walking route lately. I’ll try and interview the real members during the stre~am.

Chihiro: Haha! Chill, y’all~! I’m gonna go and track them down right now~!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Location: HAMA House - Snake Room

*Door opens*

Chihiro: First up is our colorful heaven-sent child, Kirokkuma~!

Kiroku: …, Natsuyaki… san?

Nanaki: What do you mean by “first up”?

Chihiro: You’ll understand everything if you just come with me, so c’mon, c’mon~♪  So I’m gonna borrow Kirokkuma for a bit, cool? Cool!

Nanaki: Oh, sure, here you go.

Kiroku: W-What…?

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Location: HAMA House - Horse Room

*Door opens*

Chihiro: And next is~, our avant-garde helmet boy, Munechi!

Muneuji: Natsuyaki-san. Why in the world are you dragging Kinugawa around?

Ushio: Wait, huh? You’ve got a camera…! Hold on, are you live-streaming right now? Don’t ever film me, please.

Chihiro: Don’t worry, just trust in Chii’s recording technique~. Anyway, come with us, Munechi~!

Chihiro: And the last person is… One of you looking at me through the screen. I’m coming to get you now, so… Just sit tight and wait for me ♪

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Location: HAMA House - Pig Room

Toi: Ahhhh~, I’m so excited! Who’s the last person going to be? Who’s he coming to get!?

Toi: I can’t believe how excited I am, Chii-sama really is the greatest idol no matter where you are…!

*Door opens*

Toi: Huh.

Chihiro: And here we are~! The last person I chose is the pure angelic fortune teller Sugargel, also known as Toonya~♪ 

Toi: …, Huh…, Wait…

Chihiro: Ahahah, Toonya froze up like a Jizo statue. Cute!

Toi: M-Me…, …Huh?

Chihiro: Anyway, I’m gonna work super hard with this team~! So y’all better be supporting us, babes ♪ 

Chihiro: That’s it for today’s stream! Bye-byee!

[ Next Part ⇢ ]

[saphiraslunala]

Pokemon Reborn Chapter 1: Reborn, the City of Ruin

Another one for Reborn City, huh? They sure have been pushing that new league. Let's see... Which one of these was it?

We got our trainer select screen! We get to pick between six trainers, whose canon names are Vero, Alice, Kuro, Lucia, Ari, and Decibel. Regardless of who we pick, the game lets us pick our gender separately. This means you can play through the game as Alice as a boy, Kuro as a girl, or Vero as nonbinary. This is amazing and I need more fan games to do this immediately.

So I promise that I'm not gonna comment on each and every little thing with several paragraphs for the sake of not destroying the pacing, but I'll say now that I like this intro sequence. It's super quick and to the point. I like the absence of music at this point rather than any cheery tune playing in the background- it really helps set the mood. The region we're going to isn't exactly in the best shape right now and the league is a mess. Our introduction also isn't through a professor or an important figurehead like in the main games, it's through an unseen, unnamed NPC, talking to us very casually, almost dismissively.

The dialogue also implies that several trainers have signed up. We can infer from how difficult the gyms are and the lack of other gym challengers besides us and our rivals that trainers tend to drop out of the league fairly early on. All in all, it makes sense that there's not a ton of fanfare here. Before we've even picked our character, there's some smart storytelling here.

As for who I'm going with... well. I want to have some fun on this playthrough. Mostly to prove I'm not some guy who's just gonna go "oh this game is edgy and that's bad." I like edge! Edge can be fun! So, quick side tangent:

This is Flamberge. They kill people.

I'm not gonna get into their whole backstory because this is not the place for it, but the gist is that Flamberge is a skilled assassin that's put up a good reputation underground. They initially started killing out of revenge, but felt listless and "ruined" after getting it, so they dug their hole deeper by killing for money instead of their own gains.

They're also Valerie's bio parent and they have no idea she exists because they were arrested by Marlow and Team Spark and then escaped into an Ultra Wormhole. So that's fun! (NOTE: some of this is subject to change, not as happy with them right now)

See, I like to have fun with Pokemon playthroughs and name my Pokemon after my OCs. So for this game, I figured choosing Oshawott and naming it Flamberge would be perfect.

There's just one problem. This game only has Pokemon up to gen 7. So Hisuian Samurott is not an option, and it's gonna bother me if I evolve it into a Unovan one. Yes, I do take this stupidly seriously.

So I was sad for a second but was going to pick out a different name. And then it hit me. Canonically, they go through an ultra wormhole and explore another dimension for several years.

... Which means that they're prime isekai bait.

GET REVERSE PMD'D, IDIOT!!!

Also no this isn't actually canon to my own fanfiction. I'm just playing with my toys. I am here to have fun, I swear. Back to it.

"There, all set. Just between you, me, and the ol' battered fence post, I hear Reborn City's kind of a dump. Why anyone would wanna go there is beyond me. And yet, buncha you ambitious Trainer-type folk have been headin' out in droves. But off you go now. Train's leaving any minute."

The game properly starts off on the train passing through a desert, almost at our destination. Hi Absol, I'm sure you're here simply for scenery and nothing more.

???: "Okay, thank you very much! I'll see you when we get into the city."

We sit in one of the cars with the unselected trainers and a white haired woman who wants to introduce herself!

Your turn now; sorry for the wait. My name's Ame, the manager of the Reborn League.

Ame is Amethyst, this game's main dev.

You were also looking to sign up for it, right? It would be great if so! We're finally just getting things off the ground again. Truth is, after the incident a few years ago, the whole region was almost completely abandoned... even by the Pokemon.

It might not be an ideal place, but our Gym Leaders are like nothing you've ever seen before, and I think you'll find Reborn to be a region like no other, too! I'm coming back from some business out of town, so I figured I may as well introduce myself early and get a head start on everyone's registration. Could I see your boarding ticket, please?

I imagine that Flamberge is having one of the biggest "what the fuck" moments of their life. Humans are extinct in their timeline, and now they're one of them, and in a train car full of other ones.

Hm... Flamberge. I guess it's that time already, huh?

She moves on before she elaborates on that. This is where she asks for QoL passwords, and I've already said what mine are, but I haven't put in anything that'll affect the opponent's Pokemon or the Pokemon available to us, sans getting Aevian Misdreavus and Dratini earlier than usual. Just for fun.

We're almost at Grandview Station, so after we disembark, just follow me to the Grand Hall. There, I'll give you a starter Pokemon to really kick off your adventure in Reborn. Sound good? Then if you'll-

A ghost appears behind Flamberge, but vanishes before they turn around.

AME: Something's not right... Shouldn't we be decelerating already?

Oh damn! The train's crashed and Ame's just saved Flamberge by the skin of their teeth!

The screen stays black until Ame shakes Flamberge awake.

That train exploded right as we pulled into the station. I'm- I'm just glad I could get us out of there in time, but everyone else- Well... there's no use thinking about that now.

All of the unselected trainers die if you don't pick them. Dear lord, we're starting this off with a bang, aren't we?

God, the tone is so striking. The custom music for Peridot Ward, the area we're in, is a melancholic drone lamenting the city's fallen state. The water is polluted, there's broken glass and rubble everywhere. We've just had a near death experience. It's a heavy way to start the game, but it really does set the tone for the story perfectly-

... Oh.

This game is in-authentically edgy, huh. The type to undercut its own serious moments with "Random LOL XD" humor.

"Oh, it's just a quick little funny bit to lighten the mood-" No, it keeps going.

What a cool character, I'm enthralled with her already. /S

Well. I guess I was still right about the tone being set. So, I've got a lot of thoughts on how Reborn handles "mature" topics that I'll touch on as we go. But this moment here is a good example of why I feel Reborn fumbles that angle.

Why couldn't we wait until a bit later to lighten the mood with a joke? It's barely been a minute! People are dead! You can't immediately follow that up with "Teehee, oh Julia, you silly scamp and your random explosions! You're so quirky! Lmao read the room, Julia!"

Man, and the setup was so interesting, too! This would've been a good opener if they didn't shove in an "LOL So Random XD" moment to completely undercut the tension.

Not that saying you can't have comedy in your mature game, but timing is key. We could've waited on this #quirky intro for Julia. Like, in a game that's actually mature, the event would hang over the characters. But because of this joke, the crash already has less of an impact on me. If the game thinks it's not a huge deal to the point it can already make jokes about it, then why should I?

It's not even funny, it's just.... weird. Julia looks more like an asshole here than anything. And she's supposed to be the nice one in her friend group.

It doesn't help that once we're out of Peridot Ward, the crash isn't really brought up all too often. MC doesn't seem to have much trauma from it, none of the other main characters seem too affected, and we're already making jokes about it. Man.

Okay. Enough about that, let's get back to the plot.

AME: Whoever was behind it could still be monitoring from nearby. I'll have the perimeter locked down. We may yet catch them. I'm going ahead, Flamberge. There's another trainer who was meant to register with you at the same time, so find her and then come see me. I'll be in the Grand Hall, just down this road. You can't miss it. And don't you worry about all this. I'll have it completely taken care of.

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm not gonna detail every single little piece of dialogue in this LP if I can summarize without botching details. Julia asks if we're doing the Reborn League, and we get a point with her for saying yes, she says she's the electric gym leader, and we walk off to get our starter.

Some charming NPCs.

At least this guy gets it.

We head over to the Grand Hall.

I'm Victoria. It's nice to meet you, but is everything okay? I heard what happened at the station... Well, you're here, so I guess you're all right. Let's go ahead and get registered.

Victoria's nice. I'm sorta neutral on her as a character, but I think that's just my own taste. She has a good arc.

Again though... while I like that she tries to comfort MC, it's weird that the characters are just brushing the attack off so quickly. Why not "Hey, maybe getting your starter will cheer you up?" or something? I dunno.

There's no sign of any suspect yet, but I've got several officers out searching the area.

Ame explains further that the city is in lockdown and the wards are gated until further notice, so we're stuck in Peridot Ward for now. That's okay, it's a bigger area and we've got plenty of stuff to do! Like get our starter, where we can pick from all 21 starters up to gen 7. Victoria lets us go first.

Do I even need to say who Flamberge's starter will be? Yeah, I'm just making the electric gym harder for myself, but c'mon... it's right there.

Apparently I forgot to linger on the nature page in the footage -_- Raine has Torrent and a Jolly nature! Gonna make them a physical attacker. I reset to get semi decent IVs.

Flamberge lore time!!! Raine was their name before they became an assassin. (NOT their deadname, btw. That is a different name altogether) Raine the Dewott was an outgoing sort who loved their family and their rescue team. They always gave Pokemon a second chance when they were hurt, and wanted to make the world a better place. Had they evolved, they'd have become a Unovan Samurott and fought honorable to uphold their parents' legacy.

Flamberge doesn't consider themself the same person as Raine anymore. They're too rotten to be called that anymore. But, when they stare at the Oshawott in the starter's room for too long, Ame prompts them to catch it, and so they do, and they name it Raine, because all they can think about was how sweet the Oshawott looks.

... This "trainer" business will take a lot of getting used to, Flamberge doesn't quite want to put Raine in it's ball. Despite the Oshawott's comfort around it, the idea of being in one made Flamberge uncomfortable. But even still, watching the Oshawott snuggle it's scalchop makes Flamberge feel nostalgic, and their pockets feel empty.

Next

[agentpheoness]

Ieytd lore #8 (I think?) Descending into the next life Part 1

(Sorry I haven’t posted in what feels like forever. I’m running on the little motivation I have left and a buncha caffeine)

Notes: This chapter is a little time skip from the last one. We’re in rising Phoenix now:0

⚠️Warnings⚠️: elevataphobia, blood, gun violence, mentions of incineration and death

Alarms are ringing throughout the building, indicating that Juniper’s plan is near its end. Pheoness can feel her friend squeeze her hand, her own trembling just the slightest bit as the elevator begins to ascend “Hey, we’re gonna be okay, kid.” She nudges him “Are you sure…? I mean if we fail this. It’s not just us that die, probably the whole agency will be under siege and-“ “Woah, woah. Calm down. Reginald doesn’t need another traumatized mess…” Pheoness puts an arm around his shoulder and ruffles its hair “We’ve stopped a laser of death while in space, while a pretty science lady was trying to kill us with radiation! I think we can handle one, annoying actor-“

As she’s about to finish her sentence, the sound of gunshots whistle through the elevator, causing small bullet holes. They could feel a halt in the elevator’s path of motion. “Agents, are you okay?!” Reginald’s voice from the earpiece exclaims, not even attempting to concede the hint of worry and panic. “We’re fine, Reggie…” Pheoness sighs, trying to loosen her muscles from their tensed position caused by the scare. “But this elevator isn’t working anymore…” Phoenix opened the elevator panel, a faulty battery leaping out of it. The electricity from the battery caused a small fire in the carpet of the elevator. “PHEONIX WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT TOUCHING THINGS!” Pheoness frantically steps of the flame, putting it out. “Sorry…” Phoenix sheepishly shrugs while looking at the elevator panel. “It definitely looks busted though…” Their heads jolt up as the elevator doors open, revealing the base of the nuke Zoraxis was planning to launch, along with a containment area. Muttered voices came from the entrapped center, they were oddly familiar but neither of them could put their finger on it. “Hold down the fort here…” she says, swinging off the elevator to an assortment of levers. She gripped a taser from nearby, just in case whoever was in there was dangerous. Perspiration from her palms left a small mark as she slowly pulled the lever down, opening one of the doors. After a few seconds of agonizing silence, an older woman peeks her head out of the door, fear evident on her face. It was one of the heads of state that Juniper was impersonating. She chuckled internally at the fact that Juniper had to impersonate women too, wondering how he would look in a dress…….Never mind that. She needed to stick to the tasks at hand “Go, I’ll release the other heads of state. When I do, tell them they need to get out of here.” The prime minister nodded, speaking in a heavy African accent “I will, thank you dearly, agent.” After she’s out of sight, she pulls the other three levers, letting all the other Heads of State escape. Taking one last look at the structure of the nuke, she realized Zor’s plan. Once they launched the nuke, the hot exhaust from it would incinerate the Prime Minister’s which were below it. “Disgusting.” Reginald growls “Zor is as cunning as they are evil.” Pheoness nods “Agreed.” How glad she is to foil Zor’s plan. As she was about to return to Phoenix, a loud thud made her jump and pull out her taser again, only to realize it was a power storing box. Her face dropped as she found out it was on empty. This was just what they needed if they could find power.

“PHEONESS, A LITTLE HELP HERE?!”

The amount of alarm in Pheonix’s voice sent adrenaline throughout her body, shoving the box in her arm and hopping up to the elevator. All Phoenix could do was point at the saw-blade above them that was brutally slicing through the elevator cords. “That Box…here…gimme it.” She passes him the power storing container. Using the alligator clips to connect them to similar attachments on the saw. It drained the energy from the machine till the saw was at a complete stop. “Never fail to surprise me….” Pheoness laughs, pulling back the clips in awe and connecting them to the elevator. The energy from the saw blade machine powering the elevator as it made its way up to the top floor. She peers around the elevator, tools scattered everywhere. “W..what’s all this…?” Pheoness gestures to the tools lying around “I found em. You never know when they’ll come in handy!” Phoenix responded with a smile, but it soon disappeared as they heard the voice they were oh so used to hearing.

All of the times Juniper betrayed them, attempted to trick them, to kill them. The memories linger in the back of their minds every time they hear the smooth purr of his voice and this time was no different. As they ascended higher and higher, his words became more clearer, more condescending. The two intertwined hands once again. They will face the enemy that plagued them. Together. The elevator doors open slowly, reluctant to show them the one, the only John Juniper. Standing on a metal bridge over the nuke. He hasn’t noticed them yet, his back turned as he gives his passionate speech to the millions of terrified people watching him. It wasn’t until the elevator bell dinged, that he turned around. His eyes narrowed in hatred, but also astonishment as he clutched the sacred suitcase in his hand “How did you…” He sighs, aggravated “Sorry, folks. I need to take care of something.” He suddenly pulls out a pistol from his pocket and starts shooting at them. Fortunately, they’re able to reflect most of his shots off the scattered tools from the floor. However, one pierces through Phoenix’s arm and he lets out a pained yell; blood spilling from the wound. They were in a terrible spot, only being able to deflect Juniper’s bullets “Why. Won’t. You. DIE?!” John shouts. Pheoness covered her injured friend “Don’t worry, kid. I could take another bullet for you.” She said, her voice strained from the pressure of the bullets going through whatever items she held up for protection. Even though the agonizing pain in his arm, Phoenix found something he couldn’t resist, a big, red, lever. “Kid?! What are you doing?!”

Impulsiveness getting to him, he used his TK to pull down the lever. Like clockwork, the bridge that Juniper was standing on began to separate. The unsuspecting Juniper began to teeter on the bridge lost his balance. His fingers desperately clinging onto the ledge for dear life “W-woah, Agents!” For the first time ever, his voice was cocky or arrogant, he was vulnerable. Scared. It kind of worried them despite him being their enemy “You don’t want me, you want Zor! I can tell you who Zor is! It’s-“ The only voice that’s scarier than Juniper’s becomes audible. Zor’s. “Is the cowardly actor trying to save his skin?” Juniper’s voice converted to its normal, annoying tone “Hah! What’re you gonna do to me?! I’m the one running things now!” Zor chuckles eerily, their voice a malicious tone “Mr, Juniper. You were never running the show. Fabricator? If you will…?” The Fabricator walks onto the ledge Juniper was standing on with a remote in hand. Her gentle, motherly smile Pheoness saw in the wine cellar completely replaced with a heartless smirk. “Bye, bye John.” With a push of a button, Fabricator uses his precious mimic mask against him, giving him a series of electric shocks. Junipers body tenses up as he screams in agony. His fingers finally slipped off the edge, making him plummet to the ground. The agents look with wide eyes as Fabricator turns her head in their direction, her eyes landing on Pheoness “Good luck, darling.” She said in a sweet tone before she exited the building. Pheoness really wanted to believe she was being genuine. But that look on her face said otherwise. Her thoughts were broken by Reginald “Agents! The briefcase!” And there it was. The briefcase that Juniper protected with his life, now lied on the platform without a carrier. Phoenix obtained it with his TK. When opened, a series of puzzles were inside, and a timer that was ticking down. 10 minutes till the nuke was launched “Phee-Phee…I..only have one working arm left..you have to do it…” Her eyes widened as she looks at the first puzzle, inspecting it carefully. After a second, she twists it to make a Z shape…one puzzle done, 2 more to go. The next one was harder, she had to hit the right series of buttons. All sounds were muffled, even the voice of the agent next to her. The only thing she could hear was the throbbing in her head, the sound of her shaky breaths, and every beep that signaled she was another second close from the end. 6 minutes…she pushed every button, each lighting up a certain set of lights, her hands shaking with every press. 5 minutes… “Pheoness, 8 o clock and 1 o clock!” She hears throughout the cluttered mess of her mind. She presses the button positioned at 8 o clock and 1 o clock, lighting up all the lights and successfully completing the second puzzle. One last puzzle Pheoness…you can do this….3 minutes left. In this last puzzle she had to slide a dial through every light without repetition. 2 minutes….the adrenaline was so intense it made her feel dizzy. Sliding the dial left, right, up, down. Every move could de ide the fate of the world. She had to do this. Everyone was relying on it. Just. Keep. Moving.

“YES!”

She was able to solve the last puzzle with a minute remaining. The big red abort button like an oasis in a desert of pain and death. Her ears start to take in the other sounds, one being the sound of Reginald’s delighted laughs “You did it, Agents!” Her breathing starts to stabilize, looking at Phoenix, who had an overjoyed look on his exhausted face. He holds his finger out, just brushing against the button. “Together?”

Pheoness nods “Together.”

And they both press the button, relieved that this could finally end.

…….but no end came

Tags: @pandagobrr @wyvchard

[prismaticpichu]

Hi! How are you? Also, umm, can you make Zack Seph, like Zack does vlogging with his friend Seph, like add Funny, angst, happy ending, Protective Zack, please? I'm sorry if I bothered you. 🥺❤️♥️✨

Heya!!! I’m doing great, my friendo!! Hope all is well with you!! 💕

Ooooh vlogging???? Absolutely!!!

(BIG jumbo shoutout to @rottenpumpkin13’s series of SOLDIER vlogging shenanigans for inspiration!!!! Those things are frigging hilarious <333)

~

Nibelheim Fix-It: Vlogging Edition!

[the camera flashes on to reveal two Mako-blue eyes gazing steadily into the lenses, their electric glow all the more accentuated by the dismal blackness of his backdrop, his footage jostling up and down slightly as the spiky teen makes his way through the corridor in which he is recording.]

“Heyyyyyy, world and all who inhabit it! Zack Fair here, and I’m coming to you RIGHT from the basement of some screwed up manor in Nibelheim!”

[the young First glances around a bit, ensuring that he’s still going the right way.]

“It’s very very very VERY, dark, as you can see… Just trying to make sure I don’t bump into anything here. Already bumped into three rats, eight cobwebs, a whole buncha coffins. Spooky stuff. But don’t worry!! This isn’t your boy’s first trip down here…”

[there’s another quick turn over his shoulder, this time spotting a very vague rod of light floating in the distance, some nebulously victorious sound escaping his lips as he eagerly starts toward it.]

“This is actually my second time down here. First time I was kinda totally kicked out. Not at all rudely though! Guy just needed some space… I think. He’s been getting that for like four days now, anyhow. ‘Bout time he took a break.”

[as the glowing belt approaches, Zack mindlessly pads around for a bit, pawing and groping through the thick basement gloom.]

“C’mon, where’s the knob….”

[the faint sound of palm meeting metal is heard echoing through the dark.]

“Ah, sweet. Okay okay okay… So you folks are probably wondering right now who I’m even talking about. Well, lemme tell ya. Ever hear the name ‘Sephiroth’ before? You know, quicksilver hair and bare chest and pupils that go all upppppp like that? Yeah, well! He’s in there. In a library right here, devouring books like free samples at a superstore. And he’s been there for days. Been in there ever since—“

[he pauses for a beat, cutting himself off, a look of confliction cracking the teen’s cheerful masquerade]

“Well, uh… for Purposes, I don’t think I’m going to say what happened when we went to investigate the reactor. Doesn’t really matter, anyways. It’s more about how it affected my poor bud—uh, Sephiroth! Shoot he’s gonna kill me for using that silly nickname on this. Anyyyywaayy! I’m here to get him some fresh air, tell him what he needs to know and, most importantly, get it all recorded so he’ll never forget it again.”

[the camera hobbles as Zack presses his ear to the door, listening intently.]

“Alright… he’s definitely in there. Can hear his boots walkin’ around. Okay. Okay, you got this, Zack… Alright! I’m going in. On three, two, one…”

[and the door to the library is pushed open, his camera’s eye capturing the shift in backdrop as Zack makes his way across the threshold, the young SOLDIER traveling down what looks to be some narrow corridor that abruptly pools into an eerie candlelit opening.]

“Ooh. There he is.”

[the camera blearily pans around to capture a slender silver shape with a book in his hands, leather coat dancing with faint orange hues from the casting candlelight, silver hair appearing almost copper under the ghostly illumination as he paces back and forth across the floor without so much as a flinch.]

“Gaia… does he not even know I’m here? Okay, okay! Let’s do this, guys. Let’s get this man outta here.”

[there’s a deep, centering inhale from behind the camera.]

“Hey! Sephiroth! Seppphiroth! Sepppphiiroth! Put down the book.”

[a heavy silence dogs as Sephiroth continues to pace the floor in silence.]

“Shit…”

[the camera pans back to Zack.]

“Okay, so… He seems really out of it. Really engrossed in that book there. We gotta get through that noggin of his.”

[the camera pans back to the catatonic SOLDIER.]

"Sephiroth! Hey! Sephiroth! Sepppppphiroth!! I'm talking to you, man. HelloooooOOO?? Holy Ifrit... HEY! SEÑOR SEPHIROTH! STOP READING FOR A SEC, would'ja???"

[there's another bout of silence.]

"Dear Gaia... What’s going on with you?? Why aren't you responding? Sephiroth! Sepppphirottth.”

[following yet another wordless stretch, Zack swings the camera back around, rubbing his neck with an expression of both frustration and hurt.]

“Alright… guess he left me with no choice. Time for extreme measures.”

[the camera hobbles a little as Zack approaches the soulless SOLDIER.]

“Ah, screw it. Who cares if I don’t stick to the formalities…”

[an inky splotch of black momentarily covers the lenses, not wanting to capture the horrid images and texts that had seemingly possessed his friend, leaving only the teen’s gentle voice to provide any content.]

“…Hey. Bud. It’s me. Hey—yeah, I’m gonna put my arm here if you don’t put that thing down. I miss you… alright? You have any idea how long you’ve been down here? Gaia, pal… those bags… Look… you need some rest. Okay? We can talk alllllll this out in the morning. Let’s just go, okay? You’ll feel better after a good snooze…—“

“—I… c-ant…”

“You can, pal. These books aren’t going nowhere. I’m not going nowhere. Not without you.”

[another swath of silence stretches over the two SOLDIERs, the blackened smudge shifting slightly against the lenses.]

“Look, bud. Look. I know what he said is screwed up. I know what you saw is screwed up. But it doesn’t change anything… okay? You’re still my friend… you’re still Sephiroth. You’re still my old pal. You’re still…”

[even through the inky smudge, shards of blue are seen dancing across the camera, a cursory glance being cast toward the lenses in consideration.]

“…Y’know what. Fuck whatever they hear. You’re human, Seph… Not some alien. Not a monster. Not anything but the kind and lovable person that you are. And… and I’ma jerk for not telling you that sooner. I shoulda told you that the moment Genesis said those horrible things in the reactor. I shoulda told you that day of being here… okay? And I never ever ever ever want you to forg…—“

[suddenly, smears of black and silver flash across the camera as it plummets to the ground, cutting out instantly upon impact.]

.

.

.

.

[and it cuts back in a nebulous amount of time later, titled sideways, unknowingly capturing the sight of General Sephiroth slumped in the sheltering arms of his best friend.]

“Shh… it’s okay, pal. It’s okay… let it out. Let it out. I’m not going anywhere…”

—————————————

[the camera flashes on to reveal a smiling Zack leaning against his headboard at the Nibelheim Inn, happily accompanied by a freshly-showered Sephiroth, tresses of golden sunlight streaking in through the open window beside them.]

“Heyyyyyy, world and all who inhabit it! Zack Fair here, and I’m coming to you RIGHT from the Nibelheim Inn! Today I got my best friend and ex-commander here, Mr Señor Sephiroth!”

[Zack slings an arm around his buddy’s shoulders, earning himself an amused grunt from the mercury-haired man.]

“Yes. Hello, inhabitants of the world.”

“You wanna add a littttleeee bit more cheer—?”

“No.”

“Okie doke. You wanna at least tell ‘em the news?”

[the camera pans so that it is completely facing Sephiroth, green eyes well-rested and gleaming under morning’s warm embrace.]

“Hnph. Fine. As of this moment—“

“Say ‘breaking news!’”

“I will eat you whole.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just say it!”

[silver bangs sway against the lenses as Sephiroth shakes his head.]

“…Fine. Breaking new: as of this moment forward, both I General Sephiroth and First Class Zack Fair officially resign from SOLDIER. Cadet Cloud Strife will also be discontinuing his duties and is currently staying with a beloved family member.”

[Zack’s euphoric cheer is heard behind the camera.]

“Heck yeah!! Oh, and! For the record: all future episodes of ‘Zack Tracks’ will be recorded with my new partner here! Woooo!”

“I didn’t agree to this.”

“Bummer, ‘cause you’re doing it.”

[before an utterance of protest can be made, Zack takes the camera back from his pal.]

“Anywhoooo! Anything you wanna say to the people before we sign off, pal?”

[the camera lingers on Sephiroth’s face for several beats following the question, capturing the traces of wistfulness that flicker through his emerald eyes, the almost pensive pulse that ripples through those celestially human pupils as he contemplates an appropriate closure for Everything.]

“…Yes. I do.”

[and the camera zooms in, focusing on his sincere expression, aged and weathered from all the ravaging storms that have opened up to what he calls his life.]

“Hojo, you can disrespectfully burn in the deepest and most incandescent stoves in Hell.”

[a simple click, and the footage goes black.]

[splatsvillegirlsgang]

Hey hey!!!!

What's up what's down what's going on??? You've run up across a fun lil blog run by six gals who're just here to have a good time. Welcome aboard!!! We've got someone for everyone. Probably. Can I stop writing like all six of us are talking now

Members and all that under the cut cause there's a bunch of us :D

Members and colours!!! In clockwise with our PFP lol (shoutout to Liandri for editing that BTW!!!)

Orange: Kirsten Maseko

Hey, I'm Kirsten. I main Paintbrush Nouveau, love love love the colour gold and also I'm Liandri's adopted sister!!!! I'm older though don't let her tell you otherwise (No you're fucking not LMAOOO -Cordelia) anyway, shut up Cords, I'm your gal for rambling about weapons and stages and all that. I love playing turf, it's my fault the others do it.

Pink: Maddie Akkari

Hiiiii my lil image isn't loading cause Chumblr's mean >:( Anyway hi!!!! I'm Maddie, I'm the girls girl according to Cords, which YES is accurate!!! I'm your fashion girlie and your dating girlie. (She's the one who's gonna be gushing over Kaiyō and her boyfriend -Cordelia) SHUSH. I DO NOT. okay yes I do but they're soooooo cute together how could I not??? You do it too!

Purple: November Kawase

Sorry, Chumblr isn't having a great day today... This photo's a little old but it's the only one that'll load. My name's November, I'm an ex-Octarian. Left after the whole Fuzzification incident got me some... Unexpected traits. Wish my hearing wasn't so sensitive now, but it is what it is. If anyone else's struggling a little after leaving the domes, I'm your girl to talk to. Or if anyone's just finding it hard to adjust to a new city- been there, done that. Been there done that with mammal ears and a tail, for whatever reason that bear had for turning us all into whatever I am now. But hey, I live with it all right.

Blue: Kaiyō Tatsunoko

It's loading? It's loading! Nice. Hello, I'm Kaiyō! Yeah, I'm from the Tatsunoko clan. I'm aware most of us don't do social media, or technology as a whole, but I like modern society, so I do. I'm not in training to be a priestess anyway, so they let me live how I like. This isn't the Shachi, we don't have that many rules if you're not aiming for a role like priestess. Anyway, despite Maddie being the "dating girl", I'm actually in a relationship- I'll probably mention my boyfriend Wels a couple times. He's in a professional Anarchy team, and he's so, so good. Oh, I'm also essentially blind without my glasses, so my spelling might not always be great. (Gosh you and your boyfriend are such goals!!!! -Maddie) (See this is what I mean. She gushes. But yeah, you two are great. -Cordelia)

Green: Cordelia Torigai

Hey. I'm Cordelia. I main Charcoal Decav entirely because of Kirsten. I'm in the Torigai clan, so if you're in the Hokkigai you probably know me (especially if you were there for Ao throwing bombs at my window two years ago.) anyway, unlike Kaiyo's clan we're not super traditional or have a buncha rules- we're one of the two clam-raising clans out in the Splatlands. I'm busy with my own life, though, I don't busy myself with the clam part. I'm the chill one of this group- play turf and anarchy casually, like me some tableturf, occasionally participate in weapon modding and reverse engineering, and do shifts at Grizzco if I feel like it. I'm the normal one, basically. (HEY. -Maddie) (What the fuck does that mean? -Kirsten) (Normal???? You??? -November) (Homegirl you might be chill but you're not normal -Liandri) (You have a fairy in your apartment. That's not exactly normal -Kaiyō) Stop ganging up on me LMAOOOO

Red: Liandri Maseko

Hey, I'm Liandri. Kirsten's sister (I'm older. Anyway) (FUCK -Kirsten) you're a year younger than me girl. I'm not letting a teenager get one up on me. Transfem, the cute one, (y'know what yeah that's true -Cordelia) 😘 thanks you get me Cords. (Ily girl full homo -Cordelia) (Can you two shut up -Kirsten) Anyway, I'm 20 and single and also a massive nerd, I'll read anything you put in front of me. I'm the all-rounder, I guess. I play Turf, do Grizzco shifts and Tableturf with Cordelia, love me some dress up, and I'm pretty well versed in a lot of the more traditional arts, so if you need some help with clan stuff, I can usually be trusted not to fuck it up entirely. (She could fuck me up mean if she wanted to tho) CORDS. YOU AIN'T SLICK (I mean what who said that -Cordelia) (I think you might wanna change "20 and single" to "20 and situationship" -Kaiyō) Yeah probably. Uh, homoerotic situationship with Cordelia aside, I'm down for anything and will listen to pretty much anything too. I'll go to concerts for anything, heh.

Okay, now that introductions are over!!! We just post whatever's on our minds and sometimes more than one of us will ramble on the same post. Feel free to send asks for any one of us or multiple or all of us!!! Have a fun time!!! 🧡🖤💜💙💚❤️ Why is there no pink heart!!! Pink erasure!!

[[And, of course, the OOC section. Hi, I'm Thespian, I'm the human who's actually running the blog from our side. These guys are just my OCs, and since they're so varied I'm planning on using them as an outlet to post about all kinds of stuff in the splatooniverse- rather than just turf stuff or responding to others like my other two RP blogs do. Feel free to send asks to Thespian about either how this blog works or something else ooc related, or send the asks directly to my main @/thespianinthebackcorner. 💛 Have a nice day]]

[polyphonical]

Dragon's Head - Restlessness and Injustice

[ View on site for better experience♪ ]

Location: Break Room

Kuro: Hm? What, they’re outta water? Guess I’ll just have tea.

Glug glug, Hahh…… That hits the spot. I was sweating a lot during the strength training.

I should get the guys in the trainin’ room some tea too. Uh, how many bottles is that……?

Idol A: ――Those guys at Starpro……

Kuro:  (……Hm? I hear people talkin’. Did they say somethin’ about the guys at Starpro?)

Idol B: ―― Is it okay to be doing something like this……?

Idol C: ――It’s final.

Kuro: (It seems like a buncha suspicious talk.)

(Where are theyーー Aah, they’re in that hallway over there. I should hide myself.)

(Those guys… I think they’re from the same agency as I am.)

(I don’t know ‘em personally, but I’m pretty sure we passed each other a few times in ES. Just what the hell are they talkin’ about in that corner?)

Kuro: ………

(It’s no use. I can hear bits and pieces, but I can’t hear the whole thing. But they way the were actin’ was just too suspicious.)

Idol A: It’s fine. If no one finds out, we’re in the clear.

Kuro: ………

(They left……)

(What did that guy just say? What’d he mean, “if no one finds out”? He’s shady.)

(……Okay. I gotta go follow those guys.)

Location: Forested Path

Kuro: They went to back around here…… I thought there was only a storage room for props here though.

What could they do in a place like this?

Location: Set Piece Storehouse

Kuro: ………

(Okay I think I see someone in the backーー Yeah, as I thought, it’s those guys.)

(Hm? Is that the dragon boat we’re usin’ for the project? Was it kept here?)

Idol B: Hey. We really can’t get caught here.

Idol A: I know that! There’s no point to it if we get caught here. The boat has to sink for unknown reasons durin’ that race.

Kuro: ! Those guys…!

Hey! What the hell are you doing!?

Idol A: ! That hurts! What the hell!?

Idol C: You…… You’re Akatsuki’s Kiryuu aren’t you?

Kuro: Didn’t I ask what the hell you’re doin’?

Idol A: I didn’t do anything! Let go of my arm already!

Kuro: It’s useless to play dumb now. I heard what ya were talkin’ about earlier. You’re gonna drill a hole through the bottom of Starpro’s boat, right?

Don’t go doin’ somethin’ stupid.

Idol B: Stupid……? It’s not stupid! We got no choice but to do this! We try our best, but it never matters cuz Starpro just goes and steals our jobs!

You get it, don’t you Kiryuu!? I mean, you’re from Rhylink too!

Ah, I get it. The top idols at Rhylink don’t care about what’s happening to the underachievers in the agency, right!?

Idol A: It’s no good to wipe the stuff that was in that weekly magazine. It’s fine that we don’t get along.

Being good friends with Starpro? Don’t make me laugh!

Kuro: Hahh…… Quit all the yappin’. You’re too noisy.

‘Course I know what it’s like while workin’. I get how frustratin’ it is.

But there’s no point in ventin’ your frustrations like this.

There’s a buncha stuff that don’t go the way ya like in this industry. Small fights are even normal. But being an idol means taking the frustrations ya get from workin’ and using it to do your job even better.

Idol B and Idol C: ………

Kuro:  Look.

Idol A: Guh……! Damnit, stop twisting!

Kuro: I’m pretty much done here. Ya should be grateful I’m not beatin’ you to a pulp.

I’ll just report it to the higher ups this time. But I’ll at least include that it wasn’t that serious since it was a failed attempt.

Idol B:  W-Why……

Kuro: ……Well, everyone has moments where they lose their footin’. But it doesn’t change what’s been done. Ya need to reflect on your actions and become better people.

See ya.

Idol A: ――Don’t fuck with me……!

Location: Training Room

Tetora: Ah, Taishou! Welcome back. Practice is just about to start ssu~

Kuro: Sorry for comin’ back so late.

Tetora: Don’t worry about it. But it was a very long break.

And your mood is a bit different from usual, Taishou… Or well, it looks like you’re in a bad mood or somethin’… Did somethin’ happen?

Kuro: ……It’s like ya can see right through me, Tetsu.

Tetora: Eh? What’d you say? I didn’t hear what you were sayin’……?

Kuro: Nah. It’s nothin’, don’t worry ‘bout it. It’s just some personal business.

Tetora: …… Sigh. Taishou is really just like Morisawa-senpai ssu.

Kuro: What was that……?

Tetora: I didn’t say anythin’ either. Then, let’s start practicin’, Taishou!

────────────────· · · · · ·♡· · · · · · ────────────────

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[selfindulgentsillinessbracket]

A Huge Update Post!!!!!!

Hi everyone, @thattoastygecko (your moderator) here. It is me.

This bracket has been quiet recently but now it is time to resume it. But I have a buncha changes to make bc let's face it, this bracket? It's an unorganized mess lmao

Congrats to our last winners!

Also I was thinking of going back to doing 2 groups of contestants at a time again, y'know 8 votes at once. Because let's face it this bracket is huge & honestly some of the entrants I kiiiind of wish I didn't put in.

Example of what I mean: Hanamusa. Don't get me wrong I love that ship, they've brought me so much comfort. But honestly they got like 600 votes. & Something about seeing them bring in THAT MUCH ATTENTION but none of the other polls got anywhere close to that kind of attention & knowing they'll probably just completely sweep the entire thing makes me think putting them in was not a great move. If only because it's gonna be super unfair & also makes me a bit sad that none of the other parts of the bracket are gonna get that much attention. I SWEAR IF I EVER TOOK THEM OUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE I HATE THEM IM HAPPY IF THEY WIN ITS JUST

seeing the rest of the poll get ignored so hard in comparison just makes me sad bc i feel like it means i did a crummy job on the rest of the tournament when it doesnt involve them, it's entirely my fault & just how my brain is, so pls understand that

But ultimately I am gonna avoid doing this, because I also don't wanna remove anyone. I mean if any character is in this poll, its because they damn well earned the right to be in this poll. They all mean something to me even if its just very very barebones like "they look cool"

I mean I put my own OCs in this fucking poll ffs & I know all of those guys are probably gonna lose. I love Oddworld but that series is obscure & I know they won't win.

LOOK AT POOR BLINX. I LOVE BLINX BUT LETS FACE IT YOU GUYS PROBABLY DONT KNOW WHO THIS IS & HES PROBABLY NOT GONNA WIN THIS NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT HIM TO.

Please pray for this poor cat guys, he's gonna need it. Because he's struggled to get the love he damn well deserves & by god I want him to win at least one match on this poll. He deserves at least that much.

I'm gonna try to not remove them tho bc I would feel bad if I did too, bc it's my fault for not realizing how immediatley biased this site is gonna be in their favor. I think it's just on me for not thinking that through, but I promise you guys

I PROMISE YOU AINT GONNA BE LIKE THE MODERATOR FOR THAT SAPPHIC SHIPS BRACKET THAT CANCELLED THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE THEY WERE WINNING & THEY WERE IDK SALTY OR WHATEVER???? LIKE OK BRO BUT IF YOU DIDNT WANT THEM TO WIN YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE PUTTING THEM IN BUT IM AT LEAST ADMITTING ITS MY FAULT FOR PUTTING THEM IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE KNOWING HOW BIASED IT WAS GONNA BE GIVEN ALL THE CONTEXT BEHIND WHAT THE SHIP WAS BUILT WITH. Aka being kickstarted by a well known popular storyboard artist with a big following & being yknow on here of all sites and etc. Like yeah it's gonna instantly be a landslide in their favor to some degree. It's like putting Rise Donatello in this bracket & being angry when he is gonna start sweeping too. Because we all know Donnie is gonna be winning several rounds at least. I know he will. & I love Rise Donnie so I'm okay with it. Donnie Nation strong. I AINT GONNA BE A BITCH LIKE THAT OTHER POLL THO NO MATTER WHAT. Like No I aint gonna cancel the whole bracket over them, if Delia & Jessie win? Fuck it I mean I put them here I knew it was gonna end up this way the second they were in the limelight. But no matter what happens I ain't gonna disqualify them for existing. I guess it's more just the fact that they got so much more attention & I cvan't help but put myself down for it.

I just kinda wanted to vent about it a bit because I was being overly mean to myself & I know it's just my brain being a jerk. So I'm gonna keep my spirits up

Also I mean heck the attention picked up a bit. Rayman fans apparently felt seen in my statements so thanks rayman nation for that. I too am salty about ubisofts treatment. Speaking of:

Thanks to your votes: MURFY IS BEING PUT IN THE BRACKET!!!

AND THANKS TO ANOTHER BONUS

MIKU IS BACK!! & After discussing it with some friends in group chats, they told me I should team her up with one of my OCs. So I went with my MAIN OC ZOEY!!

Speaking of Zoey:

1. My blog @thornsboroughcomic is a thing Zoey is the protag also thanks for voting her it means a lot to me I cried a few times ngl

2

ZOEY GOT A FULL REDESIGN A BIT AGO: Behold Zoey's current design. :]

And now Hatsune Miku has been brought back from elimination after you guys voted her to come back!! And Zoey is a huge Miku stan so she's very excited to team up with her.

And while I'm here: I'm gonna reveal to you guys some of the new contestants entering the bracket!!

I might also consider bringing back more old contestants who got eliminated via voting & maybe I'll start having team ups happen periodically that you guys vote on. I want this bracket to be just, I'm gonna embrace what a total mess it is. It's unorganized, chaotic & nonsensical & I think we just gotta embrace the pure chaos of it all. So that's what we're gonna do!!

A FEW OF THE MANY NEW CONTESTANTS COMING IN!!

[inposterumcumgaudio]

Poedit Cut/Unused Content: Cub Reporter

I can't remember if I was looking for more context into Arthur's "two week vacation" or if I was just in the neighborhood because all my homies love Gemma Olsen (and also Buster and Gordo), but in either event, I went through and dug up a buncha "Cub Reporter" stuff.

"Cub Reporter" is fairly significant in the plot and so obviously underwent a lot of revisions. The lines don't all follow in order, some entries seem to have actually been removed, and the quest originally also seemed to cover "Start Spreading the News" so I'm just gonna dump the whole thing and highlight the stuff I think is interesting.

It starts with Mrs. Oliphant.

000 Curiouser and Curiouser.

001 Arthur! Arthur Hastings!

003 You're the one who was taking all that Joy towards the end.

004 Oddest thing. I had one. He just went on holiday.

007 Where did you go? When you disappeared for two weeks? Did you ever put it together?

009 Arthur, nothing I'd love better than to give you a new press pass. But I have to know that you're ... managing better.

010 Look... there's all sorts of silly rumours coming out of the tunnels. Gas leaks, water main breaks, maintenance workers at the pub instead of their posts. If that was all true, Wellington Wells would be about to fall apart.

011 If you could go down there and let me know ... I'm sure it's all fine down there ... let me know it's all okay ... then you've got your old job back.

013 Yes, of course. That would be brilliant. But first, the tunnels. Show me you're as good as you used to be. Then I'll send you to Uskglass with a press pass. Agreed?

014c My old office! That was fun, being a reporter.

014d I used to have an Adulator, didn't I! Kept me from getting in trouble with crowds!

014e If I could get my old job back, I'd get my Adulator back. That could come in handy!

014f Who's going to let me upstairs?

014f Receptionist is out for coffee. Typical. How am I supposed to get upstairs, then?

014g Huh. I bet if I got the coffee machine working, they'd all head off to the kitchen for a nice cup of joe.

014h We just have to have faith, that's all. She'll come back with the coffee. We just have to pray she will.

014i I can't stand tea! I must have coffee!

014j If someone would just have a bloody wedding, then I could get a cup of coffee!

014k A lady just can't go without coffee these days, it's unthinkable!

014l If I don't get some coffee soon, I'm going to shoot somebody.

014m I've a sneaking suspicion that they want some coffee.

014n Excuse me, the door upstairs is locked...

014o Pardon me, do you think someone could let me upstairs?

014p Unless it's the Second Coming, I can't be bothered!

014q Not now, I'm running just to keep up!

014r Just like my sisters, always pester pester pester!

014s Let's see if I can get Mrs. Oliphant to give me my old job back. And my old press pass.

015 Arthur! I thought you'd gone ... well, you're here, so I suppose you're all right after all!

015a How rude! Can't you see I'm working!

016 Old place hasn't changed at all, has it?

016a If you don't stop pestering me, I'll murder someone! I swear I will!

017 Where did you go? When you disappeared for two weeks? Did you ever remember?

018 I must have had too lovely a time. Hah hah.

019 I was hoping you could use a reporter.

020 I'm afraid I've got a half dozen of them. Bloody useless, the lot of them. I've got six pieces on my desk, all about the new flavour of Joy. Can you imagine, it's coconut.

021 Didn't Dr. Verloc make that announcement ... some time ago?

022 Oh, I wish I had a spare press pass for you.

023 Gemma wanted to do a piece on him. I hope she hasn't fallen in a hole somewhere. I haven't seen her in days.

024 It's bloody frustrating, too. There's all sorts of ... silly rumours about the tunnels under Wellington Wells. Gas leaks, water main breaks, maintenance workers at the pub instead of their posts. If that were all true, Wellington Wells would be about to fall apart. I asked her to do a story about it.

024a It's bloody frustrating, too. There's all sorts of silly rumours about gas leaks and whatnot down in the tunnels. As if Wellington Wells was about to fall apart. So I asked her to write a story about the tunnel workers and how they keep themselves entertained. You know, with the art, and the singing.

025 Oh. Well. I'm sure she'll turn up, and everything will be peachy.

026 I'm sure it will. Lovely to see you, Arthur! Drop by any time.

027 Gemma was a real reporter. Always digging up interesting stuff, from what I can remember. I wonder why she hasn't come back? Maybe I should poke around her desk?

028 Hmmmm. Where does she keep her notes?

028a It's in some sort of code. Huh. I don't think that's Gemma's handwriting.

028b How do I read it?

028c If I read it top to bottom then right to left… “Verloc's looking for a permanent solution.” Oh, that's not ominous at all. Solution to what?”

028d That's Gemma!

028e Should I try to rescue her? No, it's too dangerous!

028f Where are they taking her?

028g Why did they take her? She sounds quite sane!

028h Did she know too much? About what?

028i Looks like I've got another reason to go to Haworth Labs. And a really good reason not to get caught there.

028j Toxic fog...?

028k Electrocutions...

028l Cyanide?

028m If I finish Gemma's investigations, Mrs. Oliphant would have to give me back my old job. And then I'd have a press pass.

029 Maybe I should see what's become of old Gemma.

030 Sorry, Arthur! Terribly busy right now!

030a I probably shouldn't bother her until I've got the goods on Gemma's investigation.

Did you know there's a character limit per "block" of bulleted points? 4096! The more you know.

031 Terribly busy, what is it?

032 Gemma's been taken away. I saw two doctors shove her into a Popper.

033 Oh my goodness. Why?

034 She was digging into the tunnels. That didn't come out right. I followed up. The whole underground is sort of falling apart.

035 Oh my.

036 That's why you sent her, wasn't it? Not to write about the Tunnel Rats.

037 I certainly couldn't print a story like that, could I?

038 The Joy's gone bad. And Dr. Verloc knows. But he's telling them not to worry, he's got some sort of permanent solution.

039 That doesn't sound ominous at all.

040 That's sort of exactly what I thought...

041 If I had a press pass, I could get into Haworth Labs.

042 After what happened to Gemma? Dr. Verloc -- he's sort of his own law there.

043 I have some ... personal business there.

044 If I'm ... not here when you get back. If you've found something out ... see if you can't publish it. Those numpties out there know how to put the ink on the page, but the only articles they ever read are their own.

045 You're getting out? How?

046 Oh, I wouldn't even know how to get out. But you never know when I might stop printing lies. And they won't like that.

047 Maybe I should drop in on Gemma at home. If she's really vanished, then maybe I can get my old job back.

047 My god, it's all boarded up! What happened?

048 That's coming from Gemma's house! That's a bit awkward.

049 I'm not getting in that way.

050 Just here to read the meter!

051 I guess someone noticed she's not been around and decided to rob the place.

052 I better turn that alarm off. I'm going to need time to figure out what happened to Gemma.

053 ARE YOU GOING TO TURN THAT FUCKING ALARM OFF?

054 Shit.

055 YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER TRAIN SET UP THERE!

056 I SWEAR BY ALL THAT IS HOLY, IF I FIND ONE TOY TRAIN IN YOUR SWAG BAG, I'M GOING TO KNOCK YOUR LAST TOOTH DOWN YOUR THROAT!

057 GORDO! TURN THAT FUCKING THING OFF AND COME BACK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW.

058 If the alarm's upstairs, I'm going to have to get past Mr. Shouty here.

059 Who the fuck are you?

060 I live here.

061 Love what you've done with the place.

062 What the fuck?

063 Fucking ears are playing tricks.

064 Who's there?

065 Fucking ghosts?

066 My ears should recover in a few days.

067 NO I WILL NOT KEEP MY VOICE DOWN!

068 I AM A LAW ABIDING CITIZEN!

069 I AM NOT UPSET! I'M HAPPY AS A CLAM! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME!

070 I'M A REPORTER! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME!

071 YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL I'VE TAKEN MY JOY!

072 YOU CAN'T TAKE ME AWAY I'M NOT SICK! OR UNHAPPY!

073 HELP! POLICE! HELP! SOMEONE STOP THEM!

074 Christ. More of them. You used to have to wait to see a doctor!

075 Gemma! I would never have pictured it! ... I'm not sure I actually want to, come to think of it.

076 Should we just take everything?

077 I don't think Dr. V would like that. The constabulary might notice.

078 I don't see anything talking about Dr. V here. Where's her study?

079 I thought vampires had to be invited in.

080 Downer!

081 That ought to buy me some time.

082 Open up in there!

083 Who are you?

084 Come out! We're friends of Gemma!

085 She needs our help!

086 Will you look at that! You've been a busy girl, haven't you, Gemma.

087 I think I've found everything. Doesn't look like she found all the answers yet.

088 I guess I'd better go see what's going on in this Motilene Regulation Unit. Maybe the answer is there.

089 And my old Adulator, if you've still got it.

090 Great. I've got all my press stuff back. That ought to be handy. You can show up all sorts of places regular people shouldn't go.

091 I'll have to break in somehow.

091a Maybe I can find some answers inside, if I can get in somehow.

092 Someone's ransacked the place. I hope Mrs. Oliphant got away.

093 You mustn't go around publishing the truth. What will people think?

094 Is that ... some sort of secret door? How do I open it?

094a Odd bit of wall. Doesn't look like the rest.

095 Doesn't look like it takes a key. I wonder if she got Dr. Faraday to make one of those clever puzzles for her. They were chums back in school.

096 So this is where she published the Unpleasant Issue.

To summarize:

Arthur apparently was taking a LOT of Joy before he disappeared, such that Mrs. Oliphant noticed and originally she would be reluctant to reinstate him because of this. She doesn't seem to consider this a concern in the final cut so this detail might be genuinely cut rather than disused.

There seems to have been a bit of a switch between Arthur giving warning signs and his having left the paper with no warning at all. No warning at all seems to be the one decided on.

Orrrr it might have been that his two week holiday and the end of his career as a reporter are not exactly the same event.

Does the Adulator work on more than one NPC at a time? I don't know, I know what I'm doing so I never have to use it.

"Should I try to save Gemma? Ehhh, nah."

Arthur's line about having two reasons to go to Haworth Labs kinda implies that Gemma was originally taken there rather than Wellington Health as she is in the game. Or at least that he assumes that's where she would be taken.

My boy Buster had more lines for yelling at Gordo and you apparently could have snuck past him in an older iteration of the quest, but he could also hear you.

Margaret's cat puzzle office might have been designed by Dr. Faraday, with whom she was old school friends. Loooove that for them. Also, noting now that she calls her staff a bunch of "numpties" in Faraday's fashion.

In the final cut, Margaret did not actually succeed in printing the Unpleasant Issue since it's not mentioned and her secret room has not been discovered, but she must have done so in an earlier draft of the quest.

[thesundowncrew]

"Hahah maybe not the kind that you're thinkin'! Here, I'll show you!" giggled Nightshade, taking the opportunity to perform yet another magick trick for the little girl. First she showed her open palms and flipped them over to show Nettie that they were completely empty. Then she closed one hand into a fist and - after wiggling her fingers with the other - pulled out a long, purple string!

The string was ordinary and soft like yarn. After she finished pulling the entire length, she tied both ends together and looped the string around Nettie's fingers. "Watch closely," she told Nettie as she pulled the strands one by one between her fingers. Now holding the formation apart in her palms, the string had formed two X's. "An' that's what they call a 'cat's cradle'! I dunno why they actually call it that.. Maybe they used to make cradles for kittens out of string! Like this one, but bigger and stronger string??"

Before her stray thoughts could lure them any further down the rabbit hole that was string-hammocks for kittens, she returned to the task at hand. "Anyway, the point a'this game is just to take turns by 'passing the cradle' an' make as many different shapes as possible! You can make a whole buncha shapes! Once you can't make a shape no more, the other person wins!" Nightshade showed Nettie just what she meant by using her fingers to pull specific strands within the X formation. "Just pinch it there an' there... an' then loop-di-loop down here.. Okay, now you can let go!"

And just like that, the string had slipped off Nettie's fingers and made it's way to Nightshade's, but this time with a different shape. "This one's called 'Soldier's Bed'! Again, I dunno why - you're gonna have to ask the guy who made the game, not me." Nightshade knew almost all the formations by heart; she's had plenty of time to practice after all. "We don't have to play to win! We can just make up shapes as we go, that's fun too! I made up a bunch of shapes on my own."

The thought of visiting Suntown — no, Sundown — brought another grin to the child’s face. Sam would be there, too, of course; and then they would all play together! She giggled at the mention of cat-napping as well, imagining a kitty dressed in a little black burglar outfit. She knew how much Maude worried, though. “Mm-hm! I’ll ask her first, promise.”

The rosy stone clacked back into the treasure chest. Nettie picked another rock from the jumble as she listened to Nightshade speak, this one speckled with vibrant green that reminded her of Nightshade’s eyes (and Sam’s eyes, now that she thought of it…).

Cat’s Cradle. A gasp escaped Nettie, her own eyes wide — she had never heard of this game before, and excitement bubbled in her voice at the possibilities. “Cat’s Cradle? Does that mean baby cats? Kittens?”

[twilightmalachite]

Christmas Live - Dot to Dot 4

Author: Akira

Characters: Hinata, Tetora

Translation Team: Mika Enstars & 310mc

EN Proofer: ryuseipuka

"Huh, that’s unusual for 2wink; you’re pretty much always doin’ activities as the two of you together."

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Winter

Location: Dojo

Tetora: Anyway, I’ve got a message for you from Taisho, Hinata-kun. The outfit you requested is done.

He asked me to pass ‘em onto you if you come over.

Hinata: Oh, they are finished! Kiryu-senpai’s such a fast worker, huh~! ♪

Tetora: Heh, Taisho always keeps his promises! Umm, where were they again…? Ahh, it was this box… Here ya go~♪

Hinata: Thankies! Huh, what’re all these doing in here? I only requested an outfit for myself, but there's one, two, three… A whole buncha them in here?

Tetora: Ahaha, apparently he got really into it and made way too much.

‘Cuz Taisho’s brakes just stop working the moment he gets absorbed into sewing.

Hinata: Gotcha~. But us 2wink are still pretty small, I’m not sure if we’ll be able to afford all of these outfits.

Tetora: Ahh… He didn’t make the extra outfits ‘cuz of your request, so he said you can have them for free.

So just consider ‘em a Christmas present from Taisho~♪

Hinata: I see… I’ll kindly accept them, then. Though it’s not like I was a good enough kid to get a present from Santa-san or anything, was I?

Tetora: Ahaha. But that’s Santa-san’s outfit you’ve got there, right? Are you gonna perform a live show with it? It’s almost Christmas and all, so~?

Hinata: Hm… I guess you could call it a live show…

There’s a lot of demand at the end of the year, so I’ve been working part-time at a couple of stores downtown. And this time, I was asked to bring in customers.

I’ve kept my part-time job a secret from Yuuta-kun, so he’ll probably be angry if he finds out…

That’s why, I thought maybe it’s best I don’t wear my 2wink outfit.

I could have just gone with the academy’s shared uniform, but~… It’s Christmas season, so I went with Santa-san! ♪

Tetora: Huh, that’s unusual for 2wink; you’re pretty much always doin’ activities as the two of you together.

Hinata: No, not really, these days…

Yuuta-kun’s in his rebellious period, so I guess you can say we’re respecting each other’s autonomy~. It’s lonely, but I gotta get used to working separately…

Hinata: Whoops, but yeah—I gotta do my part-time job of bringing in customers, so I gotta go, ‘kay?

Tetora: Ah—I’ll help ya out with that job, if you don’t mind. I don’t need any pay; everything’s an experience, and I’ve got the free time now…

And for some reason, I feel like I can’t leave you on your own, Hinata-kun.

Hinata: Huh, is that how you see it~? Well, I suppose that’ll help, hm? We are short-staffed, and I’ll make sure you get paid, so come on with! ♪

Tetora: Ossu. Wait a sec, I’ll go change my clothes. I’ll just freeze from the cold if I go out in my karate uniform.

Hinata: Okay. I might as well save some time and change into my outfit while we’re at it, then.

Nihihi, I’m really happy you offered to help out, Tetsu-kun~. I was feeling a little lonely being all by myself…♪

Tetora: Mm? Didja say somethin’, Hinata-kun?

Hinata: Oh, no, just talking to myself. Anyways, hurry up and get changed already! Don’t be a little baby! C’mere, lemme help you undress~! ♪

Tetora: Hinata-kun, the way you’re moving your hands is kinda dirty…

If you’re really that short-staffed, should I call over a friend? RYUSEITAI’s got the day off today, so I think someone I know might have the free time…?

Hinata: Oh, are they? I saw some members of RYUSEITAI making a ruckus earlier, though…

Like, I saw Midori-kun, and Anzu-san was there too~!

And there was Shinobu-kun too, behaving suspiciously with my brother, Yuuta-kun.

Tetora: Huh, really? I didn’t hear anything… Mm~ Now I’m curious.

Well, aside from asking ‘em if they can help, maybe I’ll at least try to contact Taichou and the others to see what’s goin’ on~?[1]

[ ☆ ]

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Taichou is a title that refers to the leader (sometimes translated as Captain). It literally means “Commander”.

[thekids-onholiday]

Seeing The Thing

We can hear the sound of two snowmobiles approaching and parking. And we can see a winterized porch of a small shack, in the middle of nowhere - but still within the "town" limits of Almost, Maine. Rhonda and Dave - the snowmobilers enter, kicking the snow off their boots. They are carrying their snowmobile helmets and are dressed in layer upon layer upon layer of snowmobile/winter clothing. Dave has a present - a wrapped painting - behind his back.

These two don't give each other presents.

"What are you doin' here, bud?"

- Rhonda

"Open it."

- Dave

She opens the present. Once Rhonda opens it, she props the painting up against a crate - She has no idea what it is a painting is of.

"What is it?"

- Rhonda

"What do you mean, what is it? Can't you see what it is-"

- Dave

"It's a picture... A paintin'. Where'd you get this? It looks homemade."

- Rhonda

"What do you mean, it looks homemade?"

- Dave

"Looks like someone really painted it."

- Rhonda

"Well, someone really did paint it."

- Dave

"Did you paint this? For me?"

- Rhonda

"Yeah. I'm takin' adult ed art. At nights. Merle Haslem over at the high school's teachin' it, it's real good. And this is my version of one of those stare-at-it-until-you- see-the-thing things. Ever seen one of these? Some of the old painters did it with dots. They called it ... somethin' but I did it with a buncha little blocks of colors, see, and if you just look at the blocks of colors, it's just colors, but if you step back and look at the whole thing, it's not just little blocks of colors, it's a picture of something. It takes a little time, it can be a little frustrating."

- Dave

"Well, why would you give me somethin' that's gonna frustrate me?!?"

- Rhonda

"No, no, no, I just mean you gotta not try to look for anything, that's what'll frustrate you. You gotta just kinda look at it, so it doesn't know you're lookin' at it."

- Dave

"What're you talkin' about?"

- Rhonda

"You gotta trick it!"

Demonstrates "tricking it" - steals glances at it as he walks by it.

"Trick it! See? Trick it, trick it! Gotta not let it know. And hopefully you'll eventually see what it is. It's a common thing, it's somethin' everybody knows. There ya go, there ya go!"

- Dave

"This is stupid. I don't see anything. I don't know what it is, don't get mad, Jeezum Crow!"

- Rhonda

"You don't see what it is?!?"

- Dave

"No."

- Rhonda

"Well, can I give you a hint?"

- Dave

"Yeah!"

Dave kisses her right on the mouth. That's the hint. She immediately gets up/pulls away.

"What are you doin'?!? ... What was that?!? Why did you do that?!?"

- Rhonda

"'Cause I was giving you a hint"

- Dave

"What?"

Dave kisses Rhonda. For a while. Eventually, Dave gently breaks the kiss, checks on her. She's okay. Looks like she liked it this time. The painting is in Rhonda's eye line, and she now, finally sees what Dave has painted for her.

"Oh, Dave I see it! It's a - I see it. It's nice. That's really nice. It's good. You're good at this!"

- Rhonda

"And you are very good at this"

- Dave

Rhonda kisses Dave hard - and she really is very good at it, which catches Dave by surprise.

"I thought it'd be hard!"

She kisses him again, fast and hard.

"And it's not!!! At all! And I feel like I wanna do it for a long time, but I also feel like I wanna do somethin' else next... But I don't know what that is."

- Rhonda

"I do."

The anticipation is killing them both. But finally. Dave musters his courage, and shows Rhonda what they might wanna do next ... by gently unzipping her Polaris snowmobile jacket and taking it off. He then unzips his Arctic Cat snowmobile jacket with her help! and takes it off. Then he takes off his boots; indicates that Rhonda should do the same. And Rhonda does. Dave then takes off his snowmobile pants. Rhonda takes off hers. And then Rhonda and Dave start to take off layer after layer after layer of snowmobile/winter clothes, which they do more and more rapidly and with more and more intention until it's a bit of a frenzy, and we end up with two people from Northern Maine facing each other wearing only their long johns... and a great big pile of winter clothes on the ground between them.

"You wanna know what comes next-next? Why don't we go inside and I'll show you"

- Dave

"Well, how long is it gonna take?"

- Rhonda

"Well ... it could take all night. Maybe longer."

- Dave

"Well, wait! We're workin' tomorrow, first shift."

- Rhonda

"Says who?"

- Dave

"You mean call in? We're callin' in?!? We're callin' in!!! We're callin' Deena!!! 'Cause you and me, we're not working first shift or any shift tomorrow. ... You get yourself inside, here, Mister Arctic Cat Man and you show me what's next!"

- Rhonda

She raucously exits into the house. Dave is amazed - a bit stunned. The way this has panned out is far beyond his wildest dreams! And it's because of his painting, which he now picks up - and has a moment with. He looks at it, clutches it to himself, and gives thanks. Dave exits to live out this dream. As he does so, he quickly, casually, unstage-ily leaves the painting behind in such a way that it finds itself sitting on the chair's arms, propped up against the chair's back, it is a painting of... a HEART. Just a big, red HEART.

gif sources:

x x x

x x x

x x x

Characters

Rhonda

Dave

Next Scene

Epilogue

[mod/director's note: I apologize for the amount of text in this scene iteration. This is a very DIALOGUE heavy scene, and it's hard to convey in shorter lines.]

[thenewnio]

My Alice in Wonderland script

This is a potential stopmotion movie that I could make, with my nendoroid dolls and other toys as actors.

Enjoy!

Cast:

Talka as Alice

Mifeng as Alice's older sister

Miden as the White Rabbit

Milly as the Mouse (genderbent)

Polly the Dodo as herself (genderbent Dodo)

Giola as the Lory

Kevin as the Eaglet

Iago as the Duck

Maggie as Patricia (genderbent Pat)

Monty as Billie (genderbent Bill the Lizard)

Komugi as the cute dog (basically herself)

Blueberry the Caterpillar as himself

Beatrice as the Pigeon

Majorika and Tako Luka as the Footwomen (genderbent Frog and Fish Footmen)

Anastasia/Anya as the Duchess

Hamlin the Piglet as himself (Duchess's "baby")

Nova as the Cook

Maaba as the Cheshire Cat

B.E.N. as the Mad Hatter

Magearna as the (Mechanical) March Hare

Bebe/Charlotte as the Dormouse

Oblina, Ginger, Anago and 5 as the Queen's servants (Two, Four, Seven and Five, respectively)

My sis as the Queen of Hearts

Jinshe the Chinese dragon as the King of Hearts

Ao Oni-kun as the Royal Executioner

Dragon as Griffin (this version's take on the Gryphon)

Spinel as Turtle (this version's take on the Mock Turtle)

6 as the Knave of Hearts

Nio (me) doing narration

*optional costumes and props are to be made by me, the former of which is gonna be a lot of work. Extras are various other toys*

Narrator: Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do...

(We open with Alice and her older sister sitting outside, by a tree. While the sister reads a book, Alice sneaks a peek at the contents.

Alice: Some book you picked. There's no pictures.

Sister: Well, I can use my imagination. You have imagination too, right?

Alice: Are you kidding? I've got plenty of imagination! It's just that books like that tend to get boring real fast.

Sister: What, the Arabian Nights? (shows the book cover) This one's great.

Alice: Yeah, but the whole thing's too long. Too many stories.

Sister: You'll probably appreciate unabridged literature when you're older.

Alice: Yeah, yeah.

(While her sister is distracted, Alice wanders off. She admires the scenery for a bit, before she hears a voice.)

White Rabbit: OH NO! I'm gonna be LATE!

(A White Rabbit with a pocket watch runs by, freaking out.)

Alice: What the...?

(Curious, she follows after the Rabbit, and is just in time to see him duck into a tunnel. She follows him in, going in a ways before...)

Alice: WAAAAAHH!!!

(Alice suddenly slips and falls into a pit hidden in the darkness. As she plummets, gravity seems to slow down. She floats into a lighted part of the well, seeing shelves with various stuff and bric-a-brac, and hanging photos and paintings.)

Alice: Okay, how deep is this hole?

(After another few minutes of falling, she lands safely on a pile of cushions.)

Alice: Phew...

White Rabbit: Oh, she's gonna kill me for this!

(Seeing the Rabbit, Alice jumps to her feet and follows him down a corridor of identical doors. She comes to a dead end with the Rabbit nowhere in sight. The only things there are a curtain and a glass table with a small key and a little bottle of something.)

Alice: Now what? (eyes the table) Hmmm...

(She takes the key and looks at it. She compares it to the doors in the hall, but it seems too small for any of them.)

Alice: Who would do this, just leave a key here with a buncha doors that it's too small to open? (looks at the curtain) Unless...

(She goes over and moves the curtain to reveal a small door.)

Alice: Oh. What the heck.

(Using the key, she unlocks the door successfully. Opening it, Alice looks through to see a beautiful garden.)

Alice: This looks like a way out, but how can I get through?

(Closing the door, Alice goes back to the table to check out the bottle. She notes the label: 'DRINK ME'.)

Alice: Well, this doesn't look like poison...

(She opens the bottle, takes a sniff, and then sips it.)

Alice: Huh. Not bad.

(She drinks more from the bottle. Almost immediately, she begins to shrink.)

Alice: WAH!

(Soon the table towers over her.)

Alice: Whoa, cool! I can walk through the door now!

(So saying, she heads to the door and tries the handle...)

Alice: Wh- Of course it locks itself!

(Looking up, she sees that she left the key back on the table.)

Alice: Now what?

(Something poking out from behind the curtain catches her eye. She looks to see a glass box of mini cookies, all marked 'EAT ME'.)

Alice: If that drink shrank me... (opens the box) ...then wouldn't these make me grow?

(She takes a cookie and eats one.)

Alice: Once I get the key, I can just drink more of that stuff and- AAAHHH!!!

(Alice suddenly grows large enough to hit her head on the ceiling. At the same time, she accidentally knocks over the table, spilling the rest of the shrinking potion.)

Alice: Oh...

(She sinks to her knees and weeps. Her tears are now big enough to make an entire stream, which flows into a large crack in the floor.)

White Rabbit: Gotta hurry, gotta hurry!

(The White Rabbit enters, with some gloves and a fan. Alice takes notice.)

Alice: Ah...!

White Rabbit: WAAAAAHHH!

(The Rabbit drops the stuff and bolts. Alice wipes her eyes and picks up the fan.)

Alice: (sigh) How am I gonna get outta here? ...Huh?

(After a little while, she notices that the gloves seem to be getting bigger at a quickening rate. A realization hits...)

Alice: Am I shrinking again? The fan...!

(As soon as Alice throws the fan away, she stops shrinking.)

Alice: Phew...

(She heads for the key, now on the floor, but trips.)

Alice: WAAHH—

(She falls through the crack in the floor, landing in a pool of saltwater. She surfaces for breath.)

Alice: (sputters) Are these my tears? I guess this is what I get for crying so much.

(She hears splashing from some ways off. She looks to see a mouse girl swimming by.)

Alice: Hey! Over here!

(By now, the pool of tears is filled with various animal folk who have also fallen in. They, along with Alice, swim to the pool's shore. Once out of the water, they consider their options.)

Duck: Okay, Now what?

Eaglet: So wet...

Lory: She's right. We need to dry up first.

Mouse: I think I can help with that. Everyone pay attention.

(The Mouse takes out a history book as everyone sits down to listen.)

Mouse: "William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William’s conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans"...

Duck: Shoot me.

Mouse: Be patient, Mr. Duck. This is the driest thing I know.

Alice: No offense, but I don't think it's working.

(At that point, Polly the Dodo stands up.)

Polly: In that case, this situation calls for a more rigorous and energetic solution.

Duck: What are you FRICKIN' talking about?!

Polly: I mean what we need to do is have... a Caucus-race!

(Everyone except Alice gasps dramatically. Alice is so confused.)

Alice: What... is a Caucus-race?

Polly: The best way to explain it is to just do it.

(And so, they mark a starting line in a random spot.)

Polly: Okay, start running!

Alice: Wait, what?!

(Everyone bolts in different directions, except Alice.)

Alice: Huh?!

(After a few seconds, she starts running, having no other options. Random hilarity *and maybe some ad-libbed humor thrown in* ensues, from the Eaglet tackling the Duck out of literal nowhere to referencing Scooby-Doo chase scenes, until finally, when everyone is dry again...)

Polly: There! The final marker! That means the race's over!

(A giant frickin' marker stands there.)

Lory: (panting heavily) Okay, so, we all dried off. Who won?

Polly: (thinking) Hmmm... Everybody won, and gets a prize.

Duck: But who's gonna hand 'em out?

Polly: How about the newcomer? (indicates Alice)

Alice: Wait, me? Uh...

(Alice reaches into her pocket and pulls out some snacks.)

Alice: Will these do?

Polly: Perfect!

Lory: What, we're gonna leave her with no prize for herself? What are we, animals? Wait...

Polly: Anything else in your pockets?

Alice: Just this quarter.

(Polly takes it.)

Polly: Well then, we beg your acceptance of this elegant coin!

Alice: (taking it back) Uh... Thanks?

(As the others chat away, the White Rabbit arrives.)

White Rabbit: Oh, this is bad! Where are they?

(He notices Alice.)

White Rabbit: You there! (points) My house is just in that direction, and the key is under the mat! There's some spare gloves and a fan I need you to get! Hurry!

(Alice bolts.)

Alice: What am I, a maid?

(Soon, she reaches the Rabbit's house. She enters thanks to the key under the mat. The spare gloves and fan lie on a table.)

Alice: Okay, so far so good... What's this?

(She notices another potion on the table as well. She picks it up.)

Alice: This is a different color than the shrinking potion... Maybe I can grow back to normal size?

(She opens the bottle and sips the potion. It works... but too fast.)

Alice: EEEP!

(Alice finds herself too big to leave the house, crammed into the now too-small room. Outside, the White Rabbit approaches. He tries to open the door but, since Alice's elbow is jammed against it, is unable to.)

White Rabbit: What's going on in there?

(He goes around the house, only to see Alice's arm sticking out the window.)

White Rabbit: AAHH!!!

(He backs up, and trips, falling backwards into the glass frame where he grows vegetables.)

White Rabbit: P-Patricia! Billie!

(Patricia and Billie the gardener enters the scene.)

Patricia: What, what's goin- (sees the arm) Holy heck! What is that?!

White Rabbit: (gets up) It's HUGE! We gotta do something!

Patricia: Okay, don't panic. We'll just send someone in to check things out.

White Rabbit: But I can't even open the door!

Billie: How about we send somebody down the chimney?

White Rabbit: That's brilliant!

(The three get the ladder and prop it up against the side of the house. By now, Alice's giant arm has attracted the attention of several onlookers.)

White Rabbit: Okay, now what?

Billie: Uh... Now one of us goes in.

(Awkward pause.)

Patricia: Yeah, not it.

White Rabbit: Why don't you do it, Billie?

Billie: Oh! Okay...

(She climbs up the roof, as Alice listens.)

Alice: Uh oh.

(Alice sticks her foot in the fireplace.)

Alice: I hope I can kick hard enough...

(As Billie descends the chimney, Alice kicks as hard as she can. Billie shoots up out of the chimney as a result.)

Billie: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

(She falls through the roof of the nearby greenhouse, and everybody watching comes to her aid. In the greenhouse, Billie picks herself up, dazed but unhurt.)

White Rabbit: Billie! Are you okay?!

Patricia: What happened in there?

Billie: Ugh... I don't know. One minute, I was climbing down, then something came straight up at me! Next thing I know...

Patricia: That'll do.

White Rabbit: So, what're we gonna do now?

Alice: (calling out) How about just take the whole roof off?!

(At her voice, everyone starts murmuring to each other.)

White Rabbit: Okay, I got it! Get the wheelbarrow.

(Patricia gets a wheelbarrow of pebble-like objects. Everybody takes a handful each.)

White Rabbit: Okay, aim and fire!

Alice: Huh?

(A flurry of the "pebbles" are thrown through the open windows. Some hit Alice in the face.)

Alice: OW! What are you doing?!

(Just then, Alice notices the color of the "pebbles".)

Alice: Wait... These are just candies. Or maybe...

(She eats one with her free hand, and shrinks down to bug size.)

White Rabbit: It worked!

(As the crowd cheers, Alice, crawling under the door, leaves the house and enters a thick wood. As she explores, she realizes that she's not alone; a dog bigger than she currently is has followed her.)

Dog: Hi!

Alice: Eep!

(Alice picks up the nearest stick and throws it as hard as she can.)

Dog: Yippee, a stickie! Yaaaaay!

(As the dog bounds off after the stick, Alice runs away, eventually stopping once she's far enough.)

Alice: Okay, first thing to do is grow back to my normal size, and to do that, I gotta find something to eat that's magical.

(As she wanders through the grass, she comes across a new sight: A Caterpillar sitting on a mushroom, smoking from a hookah. He takes notice of her.)

Caterpillar: Who're you?

Alice: Okay, uh, what kinda question is that to start a conversation? Where even am I? I know when I got up this morning, everything was normal. Second, why don't you tell me who you are?

Caterpillar: Uh... Why?

(Alice has nothing to say to this guy. She starts to leave...)

Caterpillar: Hold it! I've got something important to say.

(Alice comes back.)

Alice: What?

Caterpillar: Just keep your temper.

Alice: ...That's it?

Caterpillar: Nope.

(Awkward silence.)

Caterpillar: So, what do you want?

Alice: W-Well, I'd like to be my normal size, if you don't mind.

Caterpillar: Okay. One half will make you grow, and the other half will make you shrink.

Alice: Huh?

Caterpillar: Of the mushroom, of course.

(So saying, he gets off the mushroom, and just leaves.)

Alice: ...Okay! Sounds about right... I think.

(Alice looks at the mushroom. She breaks off a piece from each side, before inspecting said pieces.)

Alice: Hmmm... Well, only one way to figure this out...

(She takes a bite out of one, but not only does she grow, so does her neck, extending like that of the Japanese Rokurokubi.)

Alice: WAH!

(A Pigeon flies into her face.)

Alice: AAAAAHHH!!!

Pigeon: There's snakes in the sky now?! The heck with this, I'm out.

(As the Pigeon flies away, Alice bends her neck down to eat part of the other mushroom piece. Sure enough, she's back to normal.)

Alice: That's better.

(She notices a manor a good ways away.)

Alice: Maybe whoever's living there can give me some directions?

(As Alice approaches, an octopus footwoman carrying a letter goes up to the door and knocks. The door is answered by a frog footwoman.)

Octopus: (presents the letter) An invitation from the Queen for the Duchess to play croquet.

Frog: Yeah, yeah, I get it. (takes the invitation)

(They bow, and the Frog goes back in, while the Octopus leaves. Alice goes up and is about to knock when she hears a loud crash.)

Alice: Good grief, what's going on in there?!

(She goes in to see the Duchess, cradling a bundle, while her Cook is making a ruckus making *or trying to make* soup. As the Cook puts in a lot of pepper, Alice notices a catgirl smiling at her.)

Alice: Uh... Why's she smiling at me like that?

Duchess: Oh, she's a Cheshire Cat. They do that.

Alice: Okay...?

(Meanwhile, the Cook throws stuff around, searching for an ingredient other than pepper. Alice is almost hit.)

Alice: Hey! Watch it!

(A frying pan almost hits the baby bundle.)

Alice: Oh, not the baby!

Duchess: Well, I must be going. Take care of Hamlin for me, okay?

(So saying, she tosses the baby to Alice, who manages to catch him. As the Duchess leaves, Alice looks at the Cook, still making the weird soup.)

Alice: I gotta get him outta this crazy house!

(She leaves the manor and heads back into the wood. As she makes her way along the trail, baby Hamlin... oinks? Alice looks to see the cute "baby" is actually a cute piglet.)

Alice: ...Ah.

(As Alice puts Hamlin on the ground...)

Cheshire Cat: Good idea. The pig could use some exercise.

(Alice looks up to see the Cheshire Cat on a tree's branch.)

Alice: Oh! Hi. So, uh, can you tell me which way I should go from here?

Cheshire Cat: That depends. Where do you wanna go?

Alice: Anywhere that's normal.

Cheshire Cat: Well then, I guess you're outta luck, 'cause this place's anything but!

Alice: Why? What kind of people live here?

Cheshire Cat: See that fork in the road up ahead? (indicates a giant fork stuck in the ground, in the middle of the trail) To the left of that lives the Hatter. His mechanical lady friend, the March Hare, lives to the right. They're both looped completely out of their gourds, so feel free to visit either of them.

Alice: I don't think it's a good idea for me to walk among crazy people.

Cheshire Cat: Eh, we're all mad here. It's only by chance and careful planning if you're not...

(So saying, the Cheshire Cat vanishes. Alice and Hamlin look at each other, then head over to the fork.)

Alice: I guess we should take our chances with the March Hare...?

(With Hamlin following, Alice heads over in the direction of the March Hare's house. They soon reach a house with rabbit ear-like installations on the roof.)

Alice: This must be it.

(A tea party is being held in the yard; Alice and Hamlin approach to see the Hatter, the robotic March Hare and a Dormouse at the table, making conversation.)

Alice: Excuse me...

Mad Hatter: Sorry! No room here!

March Hare: Neep Noop.

Dormouse: How dare you. You'll be hearing from our lawyer in the morning.

Alice: Wh- (looks around) There's plenty of room! (sits at the table's end, with Hamlin in her lap)

March Hare: Beep boop?

Mad Hatter: I guess I overslept this morning.

March Hare: Boop beep.

Dormouse: Want some booze?

Alice: Uh, I'm thirteen.

March Hare: Beep boop!

Mad Hatter: Exactly! That's why there's no alcohol here.

Alice: Then why'd you offer it?

Dormouse: Why'd you barge in like you own the place? Rude.

Alice: I guess I shouldn't have. Looks like more than three people were expected here.

Mad Hatter: My response to that is both profound and meaningful: You need a haircut.

Alice: Y'know, saying stuff like that's very rude.

Mad Hatter: Huh. I didn't know that. Marchi, take that down!

March Hare: Beep boop!

Mad Hatter: Okay, here's a good one: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Alice: Uh... I think I can guess that.

March Hare: Beep boop.

Mad Hatter: Yeah, you should say what you mean! You might as well say  "I eat what I see" is the same thing as "I see what I eat!", or "I like what I get" is the same as "I get what I like!"

Dormouse: Or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."

Mad Hatter: I guess Time marches on his stomach! Hey, speaking of which, what day of the month is it? (looks at his watch)

Alice: May fourth.

Mad Hatter: Aw, two days wrong. Marchi, I told you not to use that brand of butter.

March Hare: Beep boop.

Mad Hatter: Must've had some crumbs in it. Or maybe we shouldn't have used the bread knife?

(He puts the watch down for Alice to see.)

Alice: That's a funny watch.

Mad Hatter: Does your watch tell you what year it is?

Alice: No, because it stays a year for so long.

Mad Hatter: Then I rest my case.

March Hare: Beep boop?

Mad Hatter: Over there! (points to a suitcase.)

Alice: What the...?

Mad Hatter: Did you figure out the riddle yet?

Alice: I give up. What's the answer?

Mad Hatter: I dunno! :D

March Hare: Neep noop.

Alice: Did you seriously just waste my time by asking a pointless riddle... without knowing the answer?

Mad Hatter: I don't think you should talk about Father Time like you own him.

Alice: Father Time?

Mad Hatter: Yeah, he's the master of the timeline! We used to be good buddies.

Alice: Used to?

Mad Hatter: I remember it was March, before Marchi's yearly episodes. See, there was this live variety show for the Queen, and I sang "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat"! But the Queen began yelling something about me "murdering the time". Obviously, Time took that as an insult, so we haven't talked to each other since. The timeline's stood still here ever since.

Alice: So, none of these things are ever washed?

Mad Hatter: Yeah! Which reminds me: CLEAN CUP!

(The three move to different seats. Alice, with Hamlin, follows suit.)

Mad Hatter: See, that's how we manage!

Alice: But what happens when they're all used up?

March Hare: Beep boop.

Mad Hatter: Good idea! Let's change the uncomfortable subject. How 'bout a story?

(Hamlin claps his hooves.)

Alice: Okay. Who'll tell the story?

Dormouse: ME.

Alice: Uh-

Dormouse: Once upon a time, there were three sisters, who lived at the bottom of a well.

Alice: How did they survive?

Dormouse: They ate treacle.

Alice: That couldn't've been healthy.

Dormouse: So they had strong immune systems.

Alice: Okay, but why the well? Why did they live in a well?

Dormouse: It was... a treacle well.

Alice: A treacle well?

Dormouse: Yes, and they were learning to draw everything that begins with an M.

Alice: Why?

Dormouse: Why not? They drew the moon, memories and muchness... Ever seen much of a muchness?

Alice: (confused) I don't think...

Mad Hatter: That's the thing: If you don't think, you shouldn't talk! Just because we've just met you, doesn't mean we'll tell our friends about you.

Alice: That's it, I'm leaving. (to Hamlin) C'mon.

(Alice and Hamlin take their leave.)

Dormouse: Does this mean I get to go into the teapot again?

Mad Hatter: Yup!

March Hare: Beep boop!

Dormouse: Yaaaay!

(Meanwhile, Alice and Hamlin walk along another trail.)

Alice: That might have been the dumbest party I've ever been to.

(Hamlin oinks to get her attention. Alice looks to see a door in a large tree. It looks familiar.)

Alice: I've seen that before...!

(She opens the door which leads back to the hall of doors from the beginning of the adventure.)

Alice: I knew it! Good thing I still have the mushrooms.

(She takes the key and places it next to the small door. Next, she eats the shrinking mushroom, reducing herself to the right height. Hamlin also eats the mushroom, shrinking to fit as well.)

Alice: Now we can get to that garden.

(She unlocks the door, allowing herself and Hamlin to enter the garden. As they look around, they hear voices.)

Four: Watch it, Five! You're splashing paint everywhere!

Five: Sorry. I just wanted to finish this one quick.

(Alice and Hamlin see four people around a white rose bush, painting the flowers red.)

Seven: Yeah, you'd better. You don't wanna get in trouble for your screw-up again.

Two: Dare I ask what he did last time?

Five: (to Seven) Please don't tell her.

Seven: He gave the kitchen staff tulip roots instead of onions.

Five: WHY?

Alice: Uh, what are you doing?

Five: OH DEAR GOD, SHE'S HERE- (sees Alice) Oh.

Two: Well, the fact is, you see, there should have been a red rose bush here, except somebody here had the orders mixed up. (shoots a look at Five)

Five: It was an honest mistake!

Seven: So that's why we gotta paint over these things before-

Four: She's coming!

(Five shrieks like a little girl. As the other four run to the nearest giant flowerpot and jump inside, Alice and Hamlin watch as a royal procession approaches. Among them is the White Rabbit, who announces...)

White Rabbit: Their Royal Majesties, the King and Queen of Hearts!

(Followed closely by the Knave of Hearts, the King and Queen of Hearts enter the scene.)

Queen of Hearts: (regarding Alice) Who's this kid?

Knave of Hearts: I dunno.

Queen of Hearts: Meh. (to Alice) What's your name?

Alice: I'm Alice, Your Majesty.

Queen of Hearts: And who's hiding in that pot?

Five: Oh god.

Alice: How should I know? It's not like I have any part in this.

Queen of Hearts: That's it, off with her head!

Alice: What?!

King of Hearts: Honey, she's just a kid!

Queen of Hearts: (heavy sigh) Alright. Now what happened here? (indicates the rose bush)

Knave of Hearts: It looks like a mistake was made.

Queen of Hearts: I'll say it was.

(Behind the Queen's back, the quartet sneak out of the pot and bolt as silently as they can.)

Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads, then. (to Alice) You.

Alice: Me?

Queen of Hearts: How good are you at croquet?

Alice: Well, I have a croquet set at home...

Queen of Hearts: Good enough!

(As the croquet game is set up, the White Rabbit approaches.)

White Rabbit: Sorry that you got trapped in my house earlier. I guess I should have warned you about that potion.

Alice: It's okay. Wasn't the Duchess gonna be here?

White Rabbit: Well, she was, but now she's due for execution.

(At this news, Hamlin oinks in concern.)

Queen of Hearts: Places, people!

(Everyone scatters to their places. The game is played with live flamingos as the mallets, with live hedgehogs as the balls. To make the arches, some people drop to their hands and feet.)

Alice: Do they not have an actual croquet set, so they're making do with whatever...?

Cheshire Cat: Probably. They might not know how to actually play.

(Alice looks up to see the Cheshire Cat, or at least, her floating head.)

Alice: I guess that explains a lot.

(The King of Hearts notices.)

King of Hearts: What is that?

Alice: The Cheshire Cat.

Cheshire Cat: Charmed, I'm sure.

King of Hearts: Please don't stare at me like that.

Alice: I think cats can look at kings.

King of Hearts: Well, whoever said that was a maniac. (to the Queen) Honey! (indicating the Cheshire Cat) What should we do about this thing?

(The Queen takes one look and comes to a decision.)

Queen of Hearts: Off with her head.

King of Hearts: You always know just what to say, dear. (leaves to get the Executioner)

Cheshire Cat: I'd like to see where this goes.

(The King returns with the Executioner.)

Executioner: I can't behead that! She doesn't even have a body.

King of Hearts: Nonsense! Anything that has a head can be beheaded.

Queen of Hearts: Well, if you don't do anything about it, EVERYONE DIES.

Executioner: That sounds like too much work for me.

Alice: W-Well, how 'bout you ask the Duchess? She's the Cheshire Cat's friend.

Queen of Hearts: Fine. Bring her here.

Cheshire Cat: Watch me screw with them. (fades into the ether)

(The Queen's soldiers escort the Duchess forward.)

Duchess: You called for me?

King of Hearts: We just need you to answer one question: Is that your cat? (points to where the Cheshire Cat used to be)

(The Duchess looks confused. The King looks to see the Cheshire Cat is no longer there.)

King of Hearts: Ah.

(As he and the Executioner bolt, searching for the Cheshire Cat, the Duchess heads over to Alice and Hamlin. Hamlin oinks happily.)

Duchess: Oh Hamlin, I'm so glad you're okay. (to Alice) Thank you for taking good care of him.

Alice: Uh... No problem.

Duchess: There's a moral for all this, I think, If I could just remember what it is.

Alice: Looks like the game's going on better, now.

Duchess: Yes, and the moral of that is: ’Tis love that makes the world go round!

(The Queen quickly approaches.)

Queen of Hearts: And if you say 'moral' a third time, your head's coming off!

Duchess: Oh dear... Goodbye! (picks up Hamlin and runs as the piglet waves Alice goodbye)

Queen of Hearts: Good riddance to her.

(The Queen then notices that everyone in the croquet grounds are just lazing about.)

Queen of Hearts: MAY WE CONTINUE THE GAME, PLEASE?!

(At this, everybody freaks out. In the ensuing chaos, Alice chooses that moment to sneak away.)

Alice: Okay, coming here turned out to be a bad idea. Now what?

(As she reaches a beach, she notices a boy stretched out on a rock in the sun. He notices her.)

Griffin: Hey.

Alice: Uh, hi.

Griffin: What's your name?

Alice: Alice. What about you?

Griffin: Name's Griffin. What brings you here?

Alice: I'm kinda lost.

Griffin: Did you try Hare Krishna?

Alice: Huh?

Griffin: Just kidding!

(Alice is unimpressed.)

Alice: Well... Is there a way outta this place?

Griffin: (hops down) Why don't we ask my good friend, Turtle? C'mon, I'll take you to meet her.

(Alice follows him to a cove where a girl with black tear stains on her cheeks is reclining.)

Griffin: Hey, Turt!

Turtle: Hi, Griff.

Griffin: Turt, this kid wants to know how to leave the country.

Alice: Wait, this is an entire country? No offense, but I kinda thought I fell into a weird underground community of lunatics.

Turtle: Nope! This is the Queendom of Hearts.

Alice: Riiiiight. So... Not to sound rude, but what's with those tear stains on your face?

Turtle: (flatly) It's a sordid story.

Griffin: Yeah, she's kinda got issues.

Turtle: (cheerfully) Anyway! Lemme tell ya 'bout ourselves.

Alice: Uh... (sits) Okay.

Turtle: When me an' Griff were younger, we went to this school in the ocean. Our teacher was a sea turtle, we called 'im Tortoise since he tort us. He tort us lotsa stuff: French, music, and washin', but I only learnt the basics, like Reelin', Writhin' an' Arithmetic: Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.

Alice: Yeah, figures that schools in this place would teach stuff like that.

Turtle: There's also Mystery, both ancient and modern-type, with Seaography, an' Drawlin', Stretchin', and Faintin' in Coils; I had a conger eel to teach those last three.

Griffin: Yeah, but I didn't go to her. My teacher was a crab. The guy taught Laughing and Grief.

Alice: Huh.

Griffin: But the real fun was the school dances. Man, you should've been to one of those!

Turtle: Yeah! We danced the Lobster Quadrille, an' they played songs like "Beautiful Soup"! They were th' best!

Griffin: Yup! So, what about you?

Alice: Well, you probably already know this, but I'm kinda a newcomer here.

Griffin: Uh-huh.

Alice: I'm actually here by mistake. See, this White Rabbit---

(Suddenly, there is the sound of a bell, and the White Rabbit's voice rings out.)

White Rabbit: Attention! Attention! The trial of the Knave of Hearts will begin shortly!

Alice: A trial?

Turtle: Oh boy, we can't miss this!

Griffin: C'mon, let's go!

(The three head in the direction of the White Rabbit's call. They reach the outdoor trial, where the Knave of Hearts is standing in the defendant's box. On a table is a plate of cherry tarts.)

Alice: What're we here for again?

Griffin: To save the poor guy from a death worse than fate!

King of Hearts: Herald, read the charge!

White Rabbit: (reading from a scroll) The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,

All on a summer day:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,

And took them quite away!

Knave of Hearts: But I didn't do it...

Queen of Hearts: Did I ask you to speak?

Knave of Hearts: No.

King of Hearts: Members of the jury, retire and consider your verdict.

White Rabbit: Not yet! We need to call witnesses.

King of Hearts: Fine. Call the first witness.

(The first witness is the Mad Hatter. He comes in holding a teacup, with the March Hare and Dormouse in tow.)

Mad Hatter: Hi, Your Majesty! Sorry for the teacup, I wasn't done with teatime.

King of Hearts: Well, when did you begin?

Mad Hatter: Good question. Marchi, when did we begin? Fourteenth or Fifteenth?

March Hare: Beep boop?

Dormouse: Sixteenth!

King of Hearts: (to the jury) Write those numbers down, and subtract, multiply, and convert to grams and kilos. (to the Hatter) And take off that hat.

Mad Hatter: It's not mine.

King of Hearts: Stolen! Jury, write that down!

Mad Hatter: Actually, I don't have any of my own; I'm a hatter.

Queen of Hearts: Do I know you?

Mad Hatter: Uhhhh... Nnnooooo...?

King of Hearts: Just give your evidence, already.

Mad Hatter: I'm a poor guy. Like I told you, I haven't finished my tea, and Marchi said...

March Hare: Neep noop.

King of Hearts: She denies it. Leave out that part, Jury.

Mad Hatter: Anyway the Dormouse said... Well, after I spread some more butter...

King of Hearts: Alright, but what did the Dormouse say?

Mad Hatter: I forgot.

Queen of Hearts: Well, I sure didn't forget you.

Mad Hatter: Please, I'm just a poor guy.

King of Hearts: Not to mention a poor speaker.

Juror: OOOHH!

(A whistle is blown, and the juror is tackled by a team of football players.)

King of Hearts: Anyway, if that's all you know, then stand down.

Mad Hatter: I don't think I can stand any lower...

King of Hearts: Okay, then you're free to go.

Mad Hatter: Want me to sing again?

Queen of Hearts: GET OUT OR DIE.

Mad Hatter: Okay!

(He and the March Hare take their leave.)

King of Hearts: Call the next witness!

Knave of Hearts: What about me?

White Rabbit: What about you?

Knave of Hearts: I'm the accused.

(The next witness is the Cook.)

King of Hearts: Give your evidence.

(The Cook shakes her head no.)

White Rabbit: Maybe Your Majesty should cross examine her.

King of Hearts: Ahem. What are the tarts made of?

Dormouse: (in the jury box) Treacle and cheese.

Queen of Hearts: Hold on, what's she still doing here?

Dormouse: You can't contain me. I was born to breach containment! (runs off)

King of Hearts: (rubbing his temples) Just call the third witness.

White Rabbit: Alice!

Alice: Wh- Me?!

(Feeling around nervously, Alice grabs the last mushroom piece. She eats it, growing to her normal size.)

King of Hearts: Huh. Now, uh, what do you know about this case?

Alice: Nothing.

King of Hearts: Nothing whatsoever?

Alice: Nothing whatsoever.

King of Hearts: That's important.

White Rabbit: You mean unimportant?

King of Hearts: Yeah. Now, Rule No. 42: All persons more than a mile high must leave immediately.

Alice: I'm not a---

Queen of Hearts: You're more like two miles high. LEAVE.

Alice: I swear you just made that up.

King of Hearts: It's the oldest rule in the book.

Alice: Then why isn't it No. 1?

King of Hearts: Oh. Once again, I ask the Jury to consider their verdict.

Queen of Hearts: Why don't we do the sentence first and the verdict afterwards?

Alice: No way! That's just stupid!

Queen of Hearts: You watch your mouth.

Alice: And let an innocent man die? Besides, if the tarts are right here, how could he have stolen them? There's no crime!

White Rabbit: Don't you care about what other people think?

Alice: Only when I know I'm doing the right thing.

White Rabbit: That's good. You're mature after all.

(At that moment...)

Sister: Alice?

(Hearing her sister's voice, Alice looks up... and finds herself back in the area where she started before seeing the White Rabbit.)

Sister: That was some nap you were taking.

Alice: Yeah. And what a weird dream I had, too!

Sister: Well, you can tell me about it on the way back. It's getting late.

Alice: Okay!

(As Alice and her sister begin their walk home, Alice begins her story.)

Alice: So, I saw this White Rabbit...

The End

[the-professional-cocomeloner]

Augusnippets Day 14: Gifts/Celebration

Because God is dead, and they are still standing, and every day from this point onwards is a gift.

content warnings: - none, I don't think - ii ttake it back im sobinf theyre everything oh my god /silly

(link to Ao3 version)

@augusnippets

--

The weekend after God dies, they hold a celebration. 

Maybe just a party. Cecil insisted on calling it something fancier because the death of God was a big deal, so it should sound just as important as what it’s commemorating, but I’m trying to learn that maybe she isn’t right about everything, just… most things. 

…Shit. Don’t tell her I said that, or I’ll never hear the end of it. 

Really, though, contrary to Cecil’s assertions, it’s a lot more of a party than a celebration; for one, it’s small, since only the people who were there are here. ⍒ There isn’t really anyone else, anyways. ⍋ The decorations are pretty elaborate, but only because the SPIS bought out the whole party store and spent all of yesterday setting them up. 

Multicolored flags and streamers hang from every inch of ceiling, the plastic cups come with interesting patterns that I know Cecil can’t see but at least can feel, and in the middle of the table in the kitchen is a giant cake shaped vaguely how God looks in cartoons—because it would be pretty hard to translate a glowing ball of eyes and light and too many hungry teeth in icing—with red X’s over the eyes. 

Joan smirks at me from across the table, which makes me forget about the cake for a minute and feel like crying. Her being here, especially her making that face, an expression that’s so Joan, is in defiance to the order of things even moreso than my presence. Every day I’m reminded of how much stronger than me she is. 

“Holy shit,” Cecil laughs, a sound that fills my head and returns me to the moment, “‘t’s as big as me! How’re we s’posed ‘a eat this whole thing?” 

“Hungrily,” I reply, and the Virtue laughs again, a little sharper this time, and I don’t feel their elbow bumping against my ribs. At least they seem to be in the right place, because Cecil doesn’t react in the way that would suggest any of my anatomy’s wrong this time. 

“Also,” Jonah pipes, squeezing Adam’s hand a bit, “can y’ even, like, say ‘holy’ anymore? If, uh— God’s dead, an’ everythin’.” 

“Screw Him,” Joan says, a little hoarsely, and all eyes turn to her. She takes a breath, brow furrowing. Principalities weren’t meant to hold physical forms like this, and guilt swamps over me like a murky, all-consuming tidal wave in contrast to the bright decorations around us. “I say we talk ‘bout whatever ‘a fuck we want.” 

“Amen t’ that,” Lynn agrees, and a couple of giggles go up around the room. “So,” and now she turns to me and Cecil, “we already picked out a buncha songs to play, but I feel’ike you two should pitch in, too.” 

“Oh, Lynn, ya don’t know what you’ve just done,” Cecil starts to roll their eyes as I start forward, lips already pulling back into an evil grin. I hear a little yelp and stop abruptly, turning to realize my friend was holding my arm and I’d just almost made them lose their footing. 

⍒ Oops, sorry. ⍋ 

“He’s right, though,” I say as Cecil lets go, giving me a petulant look. “You’re gonna regret this decision.” 

“I work for you,” Lynn retorts with a narrow-eyed smirk, standing up to come closer to eye level. I know everyone here is still painfully aware of how dangerous it would be to act this way around a Dominion, if it were anyone but us, and yet there’s no taste of fear in the air. There’s a warring sensation in my chest at that thought, but the feeling of touch still hasn’t returned. “If I di’n’t build up a tolerance for The Cure,” Lynn continues, “I’d’a quit the second day.” 

“Got a point there,” I allow, managing a smile. 

“Okay, can we actually eat the cake now?” Adam asks. “I don’t know ‘bout you guys, but I’m starvin’ because someone—” he juts an accusatory thumb at Lynn and Joan, “—made us wait until y’ showed up so y’ could cut the first piece.” 

I straighten a little, unsure if my expression is surprised or blank when I meet my sister’s eyes. 

“Well, duh,” she grumbles, looking away in a more embarrassed-that-my-brother- actually-realized-I-respect-him than submissive-to-my-Evangelist way. “You’re kinda the whole reason we’re all alive an’ It isn’t. Only fair a ‘death a’ G-God—’” she stammers a bit with the word, still getting used to actually being able to say it again, “—party has the cake cut by the guy who actually killed Him.” 

“‘T’s a celebration,” Cecil whines quietly, and I decide to elbow him back this time. They give me a wounded look, melodramatically frowning and placing a hand to their chest. 

“Uh,” I glance at the faces of the others, “I don’t really have… a speech er anythin’ prepared.” 

“Thank G—” Adam catches himself, finishing in a slightly awkward rasp, “—Gophers.” 

“Idiot,” Jonah whispers affectionately. 

“You’re one t’ talk,” Adam hisses back. 

“Guys, come on,” Joan massages the ridges of her brows as though trying to dull an oncoming headache, starting to sound desperate. Lynn puts a hand in front of their mouth to hide their smirk. 

“Okay!” Believe it or not, I can take a hint. “Okay, cake-cuttin’ time! Right! Yes.” I ignore a muttered “Finally,” from Adam’s direction, devoting my energy into trying to find the cake knife. 

There’s a long pause. 

“Oh fer fuck’s sake,” Joan’s sudden hiss breaks the bated-breath silence, and the the skin on her arms ripples dangerously translucent for a moment. “Did no one remember a fuckin’ cake knife? Fer the cake?” 

A mixture of miserable groaning (Adam and Jonah) and hysterical laughter (Cecil and Lynn) erupts around me, though I find myself only able to frown at the cake. This is something I can puzzle out. If I can be Mark Bernard after he shattered and left me behind to rebuild myself, if I can kill God and live to throw a party with the people I care about afterwards, I can cut a stupid cake without a cake knife. 

“Hold on,” I say slowly, “I… got this.” 

Once again, all eyes are back on me, anticipation lacing the air. How lucky I don’t need to breathe. 

Cecil seems to be the only one who figures out what I’m planning to do before it happens, since he’s the only one who doesn’t gasp—or at least make any sort of surprised noise or expression—as the ink-tipped fingers of my left hand meld together into a sharpened blade the color of shadows at midnight. 

“…” Jonah’s eyes bug a little at the easily-deadly appendage, but what he says next catches me off-guard; “…Did y’ wash your hands first, dude?” 

Adam shoots his partner a look that says he’d eat the cake off the fucking floor if he had to, and Jonah shrinks back, holding up his hands in surrender. 

“Aight, nevermind.” 

I glance at Joan for confirmation, but her eyes are fixed on her hands, where the tips of her fingers are beginning to unravel only slightly. 

◜ I’m not an expert on how sanitary true forms are, but I think I’d rather just cut the cake than deal with Adam when he’s hangry, ◞ Cecil offers me, looking antsy as he shifts his weight from side to side. ◜ If we survived last week, I think we can survive you not washing your knife-arm. ◞ 

With a shrug, I return my attention to Joan. Her hands are in her pockets, and she meets my gaze. “Wanna lead the countdown, sis?” 

“I’ll do ‘t,” Adam immediately offers. “Five four three two one. Happy fuckin’ new year. Cake now.” 

I chuckle and cut it, letting Cecil take charge of distributing it to everyone; at least someone remembered the paper plates. Adam tears into his like a starved animal, which is only mildly concerning, and Jonah watches him with a dreamy glaze in their eyes. 

“T’ that Fucker bein’ dead,” Joan toasts, raising her fork. Her fingertips have smoothed over again. 

“T’ the future,” Cecil adds. 

“T’ this cake!” Jonah jokes, and Adam nods in agreement before realizing he’s being mocked and switching flawlessly to a scowl. 

“T’ all a’ that,” I compromise. “‘Specially the future, I think.” 

“Haha, I got the Mark-approved toast,” Cecil brags. 

I pause before replying with the usual lighthearted jab. “Yeah, y’ did,” I say instead, smiling back and taking a bite of cake. 

The cheap plastic of the fork in my hand against my palm has never been such a welcome sensation.

[isaacapatow]

with @adrixnadelgxdo | the daybreakers : adriana talks about ermano

ike apatow Have you ever done farm work before? -Ike's circling a structure made of sheets of galvanized roofing panels hammered together into a square enclosure, about six feet wide and tall on each side with a lower opening on one of the sides- This is sort of specialized, but also it's pretty easy if you've never done it.

Adriana Delgado Souza Can't say I've ever had the pleasure to do this. -Adriana glances around the structure, taking it in as she tries to work out what it is they're doing- What is it, anyway?

ike apatow We're setting aside fodder for the animals, for when there's nothing fresh for them to graze on. -he gestures at the enormous heap of various green weeds and stubble, the last of it all cut down from the forested places and wild hedges of the town- I'm gonna toss this stuff in the box, and you're gonna be in there stomping. Like how Italians do with grapes.

Adriana Delgado Souza You're right, the work does sound easy enough. -she shrugged off her jacket, figuring that the amount of stomping would keep her nice and warm once she got started- You know, I could have brought some of the kids along. I bet they would have fun stomping on some grass and hay.

ike apatow Next time. It's an experiment this year since we didn't have all these animals before, and I only made silage back when I was a teenager so -- in prehistoric times. -Ike snickers, lifting his chin towards the box- There's a layer in there so you can get started and I'll start loading as you stomp. Should go like gangbusters.

Adriana Delgado Souza Silage? Gangbusters? -Adriana was quite lost with both of those terms but it didn't stop her from jumping into the box and starting to stomp down on the stuff already loaded up while Ike got to work- What are gangbusters?

ike apatow Hoshit. Right, you're ... Brazilian? None of my usual vivacious circus tent vocabulary's gonna make much sense to you. -he snickers, then continues pitchforking greens into the box- When something's going along quick without obstacles, you say it's going 'like gangbusters'. I dunno where the saying came from, probably Prohibition when there were a buncha gangs in the States. Silage is what we're doing here, with this grass! The packed-down stuff at the end is what's called silage.

Adriana Delgado Souza I am. English is technically my third language. -the vibrant, descriptive words, while they made sense to her, were a bit confusing as to how they all linked together but she was slowly catching his drift- You learned that from the circus? I didn't know you were in one of those.

ike apatow I wasn't in a real circus. I just seem like a whole circus contained in one person. -he lets her tromp down the greens for a minute before adding more- Is that where you and Ermano met, in Brazil?

Adriana Delgado Souza Ahh, okay, I can see that. -she stops when he throws in more before continuing her crushing task- No, we met in Texas. Just a little bar outside the military town he was stationed at.

ike apatow And he danced. Did he dance? I feel like that's what you said.

Adriana Delgado Souza Yep, he did. He's quite the dancer. I should see about making it part of his rehab once he's cleared to move around without crutches.

ike apatow Is he back home now? I haven't been keeping up with the progress. -Ike leans into the box, pushing some stuff around, mostly to do it and not because it's really necessary

Adriana Delgado Souza Well, my home, yes. -she's mindful of his hands as she stomps around more- Renee didn't want him in his trailer and honestly, I agree. Someone needs to keep an eye on him so he doesn't go making himself worse. The man doesn't sit still.

ike apatow Him and David were making big noise about how scary you get. You scaring him into sitting still, Adriana?

Adriana Delgado Souza I'm not that scary. They just think I am. -she laughs a bit as she shakes her head- Oh no, I'm not scaring him into that. More like guilting him by reminding him of the stupid choices he made that put him in this position.

ike apatow -Ike squawks in triumph, leaning back out of the box- I knew it! Some men just don't know how to react to a woman standing her ground. You seem like the velvet glove sort. -Ike works for a minute before realizing that colloquialism might be lost on Adriana, so he pokes his head around the opening to look at her- Like, an iron hand in a velvet glove. Guilt and sweet talk seem like your weapons of choice.

Adriana Delgado Souza -At first Adriana was confused and she was sure it showed on her face as she glanced at him while trying to work out what a velvet glove could mean. But it seemed he realized it after a pause of silence and he explains, although it's still a bit confusing- I had to learn to stand my ground. My brothers made sure I knew how to. Especially Paulo. But yes, I find that a few well-placed words are more successful than yelling.

ike apatow -he nods, looking distinctly smug, and goes back to his task- He should move in with you.

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana stumbles a bit but catches herself. It's not from his words - she just misstepped on a pile- You and me both. But he does love his airstream. It's his own little castle of solitude.

ike apatow That's idiotic. He's not an island anymore and it's clear he wants to pick things up with you again, so what's stopping him?

Adriana Delgado Souza Honestly? -she looks over his shoulder, not that she thinks Ermano would waddle his way to find them because he knows she would drag him back to her place and chain him to the bed if he did- I think he's still punishing himself.

ike apatow -Ike snorts, shaking his head- The way people in this town do exactly the shit they're always accusing me of. -that was mostly to himself; to Adriana, he says- Didn't he get enough of that being in a fuckin coma? Can't him and David, I dunno, timeshare the pointless guilt?

Adriana Delgado Souza -she doesn't hear the first thing he says and she guesses he meant to say it quietly so she doesn't ask. But she laughs as she pauses her stomping to fix her ponytail- Of all the years I was married to Ermano and known David, there is one thing I learned - they have such huge hearts. There is no telling them not to feel guilty about something because they're going to. Especially Ermie. He will carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and never ask for help. It's just who he is.

ike apatow Ohhh-kay, well -- no offense to your two enlarged heart boys, but that's a whole heaping steaming pile of bullcrap, miss missy. -Ike digs his pitchfork in, flinging the load of grass with more enthusiasm than strictly necessary- Who does that help, if he carries the world on his shoulders and falls down and breaks his ankle doing it and then rolls around never asking for help? People who never ask for help are only like that because they think everyone else sucks too hard to ever give them help. It's narcissism, not nobility.

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana stands back and leans against the walls of the box so he could throw in more of the grass. It flies and she ducks, trying to avoid getting any of it in her hair, although his enthusiasm definitely covers her in stray stands- He thinks he's alleviating the burden off of others. But you and are in agreement - He's no good to anyone if he keeps pushing himself until he kills himself.

ike apatow That's only part of what I'm saying. The other part is that he doesn't trust anybody to be as capable as he is, which is a shitty way to look at it.

Adriana Delgado Souza I don't think it is that he doesn't trust other people to be as capable as him. Unless there's something I don't know that's happened in the past couple of years.

ike apatow Well, that's how I see it. But Ermano and me don't agree on plenty of things, so we can add this one to the pile. -Ike laughs, scraping the pitchfork around- Maybe he has some even MORE noble reason to never ask for help! Couldn't be me. But then I'm not a big ol' hero like he is.

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana hums a laugh as she gets back to stomping- You know him and I still argue about the song we danced to at our wedding?

ike apatow Why would that be an argument? You guys are weird.

Adriana Delgado Souza Because if he had his way, we would have been dancing to Gasolina.

ike apatow I don't know it but I'm gathering you wouldn't have been too happy with that, huh?

Adriana Delgado Souza ANsolutely not. It's more of a club dance than it is a romantic song to share your first dance as husband and wife.

ike apatow Coulda been worse. Coulda been the macarena.

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana laughed- You say that, but he did try to "serenade" me with that towards the end of the night.

ike apatow -snorts- You guys are cute. Hit all the romcom standards, huh?

Adriana Delgado Souza If that means we had fun together, than yes. You've only seen the broody Ermie. I'm gonna work on getting him to relax a bit. Hopefully having Bruno and now Allison around will help him relax.

ike apatow Sure, why not. You guys deserve a break.

Adriana Delgado Souza What about you, Ike? You seem to working extra hard lately.

ike apatow That's what happens when the two town bigshots fall down a cliff. All their responsibilities and hard work fall down the ladder on schmoos like me. -he scrapes caked grass off the pitchfork, then resumes tossing greens into the box-

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana glances at him, waiting for the greens to hit the ground before she stomped down on it- Well, after all of this, I guess you need your vacation. Although I wouldn't recommend going and flinging yourself off a cliff.

ike apatow Hah! No worries there. When I'm injured and supposed to be resting, that's what I do. Last thing I want is to run off and make things worse and be out of commission even longer. -he leans the pitchfork up against the side of the bin, picking up a bucket- Okay, I gotta pour this stuff on it before we get the next layer on. It's a mix of molasses and some other things. I had to fight Sol's nephew to get it. -he shakes his head, pouring the liquid over the stomped-down greens- Did you meet Cole, when he was breathing air?

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana quickly climbed out, albeit not gracefully in the slightest. She tripped but caught herself before finally getting out of the box. She dusted off her sleeves before shaking her head- I did not. He was Fleet's father, right?

ike apatow He certainly was. Not much else except an occasional nuisance. -since Adriana didn't know Cole, there's not much point talking about him, so Ike focuses on pouring the molasses mixture- How many people have you seen turn?

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana hums in thought as she recalled the past couple of years- No one, really. That's not to say that I didn't see anything before I got here. I saw people get eaten and I saw people killed but I never saw someone actually turn. You?

ike apatow Oh, yeah. Plenty. -he tamps down an area with the heel of his boot, then stoops to grab a handful of grass to wipe out the inside of the bucket- Killed a shit ton of em, too. But then that goes with the job. You and Ermano forgiven each other for all the things you did to fuck up your marriage?

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana stood back to keep from getting any of the molasses on her but her eyes were watching Ike instead and listening to him- Did it ever bother you? Killing them, I mean.

ike apatow Why? -Ike hops out of the bin, leaning against it to look at her- What does it mean if it bothers me? What does it mean if I like it? Does it make me something weird if I say I fuckin' love crushing in their rotted little cabezas?

Adriana Delgado Souza No, I'm just curious. -she was being honest- Just with everything I don't know if there's gonna come a time when I might have to be more aggressive and I want to be prepared, I guess.

ike apatow There probably will be. Your hubs can steer you on what would be the best way to prepare, or David, maybe. They like training people. -but after a moment he relents and answers her question- It's not pleasant, especially if they're fresh and they still look like people. But once you remind yourself there's nothing human in there, and they're anti-life, they're only disease in a shell, it gets easier.

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana was getting the hint so she prepares to jump back in and get to stomping but he went on. Whether Ike knew it or not, his answer was helpful- That's actually really insightful.

ike apatow Even us schmoos get one in every now and again. -he snickers, waiting for her to find her footing again before he keeps loading-

Adriana Delgado Souza -she carefully steps into the silo and finds her balance before starting to stomp once again- What is that? Schmoos?

ike apatow -he considers for a moment, jabbing the greenage with his pitchfork before settling on- People who don't have big huge noble hearts and carry everyone's burdens without asking for help. I love asking for help. And my heart's about the size of a three walnuts crammed in a sock. -he grins and nods, pleased with this definition-

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana cocks her head to the side a bit as she tries to put the dots together- Wait, so then you're not a schmoo?

ike apatow I'm absolutely a schmoo, Adriana! I just said I love asking for help!

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana laughed- Desculpe, Ike. Did I mention English is my 3rd language?

ike apatow You did, and I am about twenty percent certain you understand English waaaaay better than you let on. -he squints at her, tapping the side of his nose and pointing- I'm onto you, missy.

Adriana Delgado Souza Eu não tenho idéia do que você quer dizer, Ike. -she smirks with a shrug-

ike apatow Supercalifragilistic back atcha.

Adriana Delgado Souza That's not even a word. -she laughs-

ike apatow What? You've never seen Mary Poppins? You'd love it. The husband and wife in it are just like you and Ermie. -Ike snickers to himself using the nickname that Adriana had, injecting it with syrupy sweetness- Anyhow, you were saying stuff you know I don't understand, so I was returning the favour.

Adriana Delgado Souza Oh, that's the movie with the cup of sugar thing, right? I think I remember it being played at the school one day I used to work at. -she stomps on the grass and quickly catches herself before she falls over- It's just a bit of Portugeuse. I'm sure you could pick it up in no time.

ike apatow I got no ear for languages. It sounded to me like you maybe said you don't know what I'm ever saying, but that could be way off. And yeah, a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down! Sounds like your marriage.

Adriana Delgado Souza Not far off. I said I have no idea what you're talking about. See? You're learning already. -she angles her head a bit- How so?

ike apatow -Adriana is unruffled by his pretty rude comment, and Ike gives a sidelong smile, more affectionate- You're the spoonful of sugar, he's the medicine. You're the one who smooths over bitter situations that might very well be good for you in the long run, but could use some sweet.

Adriana Delgado Souza -she casts him a look as she registers the comment- Are you saying Ermie isn't sweet?

ike apatow Are you kidding me? -Ike looks over at her- Adriana, even if he's sweet to you, you gotta see how he is with everyone else.

Adriana Delgado Souza Which is?

ike apatow Uhhh ... decidedly not sweet?

Adriana Delgado Souza -she waves her hands towards him- Do you have an example?

ike apatow -he snorts, redirecting his attention to his work- Listen, I doubt you two sit around and discuss my finer personality points, so I'm not about to do that for Ermie.

Adriana Delgado Souza -she holds her hands up- Alright, fine. I won't ask for your point of view so I can discuss things with him.

ike apatow Jesus christ! -Ike stops, staring at her with his mouth agape- SHIT no, don't do that! If he wants to know what people think of him -- and I guarantee you he gives less than a sliver of a fuck about that -- then he can ask us himself!

Adriana Delgado Souza And you have not been married to him for years and know how he thinks or works. You know how many boneheaded mistakes he's made and been completely oblivious about until I pointed them out?

ike apatow That's your job, sugarplum, not mine.

Adriana Delgado Souza You're right - your job is to stop trying to cover me in strands of grass when you throw it in here. I'm gonna be picking sticks of it out of my hair for weeks.

ike apatow Getting lightly decorated with grass comes with the territory, princesa! Maybe Ermie can pluck them out. See, I'm creating fun date night opportunities for you!

Adriana Delgado Souza Mmhmm. Hopefully the cows don't try to eat me on the way out.

ike apatow Being licked by cows is very fun. That's how I do my hair in the morning.

Adriana Delgado Souza Oh, is that why it's called a cow lick?

ike apatow That's exactly it. -he pauses to slap at the hair sticking up all over the back of his head, in demonstration- You should give it a try.

Adriana Delgado Souza And rob you of that beautiful look on you? I think I'll give it a pass.

ike apatow Take Ermie to the cow pasture and let em see if they can get through that mop of his, heh heh.

Adriana Delgado Souza They might eat his hair before they lick it.

ike apatow Live dangerously, Adriana! Get him a new haircut via moo cow!

Adriana Delgado Souza That is to say I can get him to sit still for a haircut.

ike apatow That's the beauty of letting a cow do it.

Adriana Delgado Souza By watching him run away from cows in a cow field?

ike apatow -pauses, asking very seriously- Is Ermie afraid of cows?

Adriana Delgado Souza I don't think so....?

ike apatow Then why would he run away from them?

Adriana Delgado Souza To avoid getting his hair eaten by them.

ike apatow Jesus shit, this is more than I ever wanted to talk about Ermano and for absolutely no purpose. -Ike goes back to his work, flinging the greens with even less precision now-

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana hums softly as she ducks to avoid the grass being flung her way- And yet you were there when he woke up.

ike apatow I happened to be there! And he still pretended to be in a coma cuz he wanted to hear me talking about him. The guy's a narcissist. You're probably gonna scamper back to him and relay all of everything I said, sitting at his knee hoping for him to actually notice something about you.

Adriana Delgado Souza He notices plenty of things about me, Ike, but I appreciate your concern.

ike apatow No arguing with the rose-colored glasses of love, huh?

Adriana Delgado Souza Well, I'm curious what you think he doesn't see because he's wrapped up in his narcissism.

ike apatow I already said I'm not gonna give some speech about him. The truth is I don't know shit about who Ermie is or isn't, because he doesn't care to let anyone know him. And talking to you equals talking about him, so I don't know shit about you either.

Adriana Delgado Souza Alright, no more talking about Ermano. I will avoid mentioning him. -she eyes him as she holds onto the edge to stabilize herself as her ankle twisted from the unbalance of the ground she was standing on- Honestly, I'm used to people wanting to talk about him and it's easier talking about him.

ike apatow Is that what married life is about? Everyone wanting to know about your husband and it being your job to pump him up to them? -Ike pauses to go over and watch as Adriana restabilizes, just in case she needs a hand-

Adriana Delgado Souza Not all the time. -she holds out her hand to balance herself before looking over at Ike- Most military wives liked to sit around and gossip and talk about their husbands and stuff like that. The special moments behind the scenes and memories built together.

ike apatow -he holds back a shudder, but can't hold back the grimace as he reaches in to grab Adriana around the middle and dance her feet against the silage until she finds better footing- Sounds wonderful. That's how you define yourself, huh? A military wife.

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana is grateful for the help- Obrigado. -she finds her footing before stamping down on some of the silage- Well, not anymore. But before it was nice to be like that. Surrounded by people who know what you're going through instead of being the weird outsider.

ike apatow Hunh. -Ike looks at her for a moment, then shakes his head and picks up his pitchfork again- All right. We can talk about something else. I shouldn't have pushed

Adriana Delgado Souza -Adriana shrugged- I don't mind. As you mentioned, you don't know anything about me. You can ask whatever you want. Unless you're uncomfortable.

ike apatow A little bit. I didn't expect your driving way of identifying yourself to be your husband's job.

Adriana Delgado Souza -she looked over her shoulder at him with a smirk- Then I won't mention anything more about it.

ike apatow We've only got a little ways to go, anyhow, so it's okay there's nothing to talk about if it's not about Ermano! -he smirks back at her, tapping the end of the pitchfork handle against his forehead, and gets to work finishing up putting everything in the silage bin-

Adriana Delgado Souza And here I was gonna ask about the next time I can get you to the daycare and read another book to the kids. -she laughs a bit as she steps on the last bit- But honestly, I'm glad this is just about done. Nothing against the work but it's gonna be a pain in the head to clean the molasses off these boots.

ike apatow Ahhh, I don't have time for that anymore -- now that my head's healed up it's back to my own work and picking up after the two men with huge hearts who went out and fell down a cliff. -Ike does the last forkful of greenery and gives a whoop, wiping his forehead with the back of his wrist- Sweaty work. Give those boots to the cows and horses to lick and you won't have to lift a finger -- grass and molasses is like candy for em.

Adriana Delgado Souza Awww, that's a shame. -she climbs out of the silo and stumbles a bit but catches herself before trying to pick some of the grass out of her coat- The kids loved your visits. But I understand. Hopefully after this is all sorted you'll get the time again. You're good at it.

ike apatow It was fun! Some day. When things settle down. -the possibilities of that are slim, but Ike leaves it at that-

Adriana Delgado Souza I will hold you to that. -she steps up and gives his cheek a kiss- Adeus, Ike. Don't work yourself too hard.