#okay first things first

[victorluvsalice]

Merry Christmas Newt!

@dont-offend-the-bees Sooo, you had no specific prompts for me, which opened the floor for me to write something -- weird. Something that combined a couple of things I know you're interested in, because I've seen them on your tumblr. Something that, specifically, crossed over your new obsession with the Saw movies...with a certain British gameshow hosted by Greg Davies that I myself rather like. I actually came up with this idea a little while back and meant to message you about it, but forgot -- and I'm kind of glad I did, because that allowed me to write this ridiculous thing as a surprise. XD Hope you find it funny!

Tasksaw

“Well – we’re in a bit of a pickle, aren’t we?”

“I’d say it’s more than just a pickle,” Josh snapped back, tugging on the chain attaching his leg to the wall to test its strength. Depressingly, it seemed to be pretty damn well bolted in there. “Or do you get drugged and wake up in moldy old bathrooms with your leg manacled to the nearest wall often?”

“I can’t say I have,” the other fellow – who’d introduced himself as James – admitted, giving his leg a cursory kick. The chain attached to it rattled, snaking across the filthy floor. “Though I have been in my fair share of shitty bathrooms before.”

Josh squinted at him. “Was that an intentional pun, or. . . ?”

James just gave him a smirk – which was quickly replaced by a frown as he looked around the room again. “It is a very odd place, though. You have any idea why we’re here?”

“Not a bloody clue, mate,” Josh said, letting his chain slip from his hands. “I mean, obviously we pissed off somebody, but I don’t know who or why.”

“Yeah, me either. The guys in Pindrop weren’t that upset about us breaking up,” James muttered, scratching his head. “Which was actually a bit insulting, if you think about it – oh! Hang on!” He snapped his fingers, pointing frantically at Josh. “We need to check that our kidneys haven’t been stolen!”

“Our – our kidneys?” Josh repeated, baffled.

“Yeah! That’s the main reason people get kidnapped, isn’t it?” James said, rolling up the side of his shirt to stare at his abdomen. “To get their organs harvested? And I rather appreciate having my kidneys inside my body!”

“You’ve been reading too many conspiracy theory sites,” Josh said – though he did slip a hand under his shirt, just to feel for any new scars. “Besides, I think we should have woken up in a bathtub full of ice if that was the case.”

“Nobody said our kidnappers had to be good at harvesting organs.”

“Excuse me!”

Both men looked up as the door on the far wall, just out of reach of their chains, opened, admitting a rather awkward-looking man with a scruffy beard and gapped teeth, dressed in a smart black suit and carrying an iPad. “Hello,” he greeted them, with a smile that didn’t seem entirely natural. “Would you like to play a game?”

Josh stared for a moment, trying and failing to come up with an appropriate way to respond to this. “Um. . .”

“What game?” James said, rolling his shirt back down and giving the newcomer a suspicious look. “Who are you?”

“Right, right, let me just. . .”

The man did something on his iPad, then held it up, displaying an image of a rather portly and extremely tall late-middle-aged man in glasses, sat upon an ornate golden throne. “GREETINGS, PEONS!” a powerful voice rang out from the tinny speakers. “Allow me to introduce myself – I am THE TASKMASTER! Your one true love, your reason for getting up in the morning, your NEW GOD AND MASTER! Over the next few days, I shall set you a series of tasks, overseen by my admin and general puppet-man Little Alex Horne! I shall score these tasks according to my whims, and at the end of our time together, whoever scores the most points wins the most valuable prize of all – THEIR LIFE! The loser will be killed in an appropriately ironic fashion. So play well, and amuse me. Puppet-man, I leave things in your hands. DON’T SCREW THIS UP!”

The recording ended in a burst of simulated static. The man – Alex – immediately pulled a piece of paper, folded and sealed with a red wax bearing a “TM” logo, out of his jacket and delivered it to Josh. “If you could just read that aloud, please?”

Completely and utterly baffled, Josh broke the seal and unfolded the paper. “‘Clean your half of this bathroom,” he read out. “‘Cleanest bathroom half wins. You have one hour. Your time starts now.’” He blinked, then looked up at Alex. “Clean – what? How?”

“All the information’s on the task,” Alex replied calmly, starting up a timer on his iPad.

Josh facepalmed into the paper. “Seriously? You’re going to be like this?”

“Well well well – looks like we’re going head to head on this one, Josh!” James said, with perhaps more enthusiasm than the situation warranted. “And I plan to win – puppet-man! Get me a cabbage and a red dress.”

[inkskinned]

please i love you i'm begging you bring back suspension of disbelief bring back trusting the audience like. i cannot handle any more dialogue that sounds like a legal document. "hello, i am here to talk to you about the incident from a few minutes ago, because i feel you might be unwell, and i am invested in your personal wellbeing." "thank you, i am unwell because the incident was hurtful to me due to my childhood, which was bad." I CANT!!!!

do you know how many people are mad that authors use "growled" as a word for "said"? it's just poetics! they do not literally mean "growled," it's just a common replacement for "said with force but in a low tone." it's normal! do you hear me!! help me i love you please let me out of here!!!

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The math just adds up!

[s0up1ta]

"so grunkle ford how do you know bill?"

"... that's not important."

[mayomkun]

But I still think of you

[caruliaa]

staff still hasn't given me polls, what should i do?

🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪 their moms 69%

🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪 their dads 31%

grace image os i get to look at her

[ruubesz-draws]

Minus One meets Emi

Emi is fine... just shooked

[surreal-duck]

coping

[egophiliac]

messing around with techniques! I...like the foxman and the catboy a lot okay

also, a couple of quickies that honestly don't deserve any more effort than I've already given them:

[mobius-m-mobius]

Mobius + being the only one to notice

[tapakah0]

[bubblingsteam]

[inkskinned]

having good & true friends will literally save and protect you in a million unfathomable ways. like okay we have written so many times about lovers. but the way a platonic friend laughs and cries with you. the way they hold your hand at 14 years old and at 34. the way they keep a little silver tie to you, touching base over and over and over. how you can go years without talking, only to re-meet and discover: oh shit! you're still cool!

there are people who have been in my life for more than half of it, and i have loved every version of them. do you know how fucking beautiful that is. yeah love will save the world. but the way friends love you is gonna save the you.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji goes to Lotus Pier (No relation to the AU of the same name)

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[morganbritton132]

Son of politician, Steve Harrington prevents a scandal (being caught by paparazzi buying drugs) by causing a bigger scandal (claiming his drug dealer is his boyfriend).

[yrsonpurpose]

Mary & George (2024) Episode 3 'Not So Much as Love as by Awe'