#okay fine healthy yuri is also encouraged

[starheavenly]

(not that anon, just saw the opportunity for a bit. but yeah there's not nearly enough women transformers, i treasure my tf wlw ships but it's hard out there)

Very true!! Transformers needs to give me the toxic yuri i deserve. CV Wndblade and Slipstream was the closest ship I was into.

[defountaine]

DEFOUNTAINE.

independent + private roleplay blog for FURINA DE FONTAINE, of mhy's GENSHIN IMPACT as judged by SINCLAIR ( 21 ). crossover + oc friendly. low activity due to college ( junior yr ) + old laptop.

INTEREST CHECKER. / GOOGLE DOC.

rules under cut.

NOTES. ( THIS MAY BE UPDATED AS TIME GOES ON. )

not spoiler or leak free

i tag triggers as “ trigger // “ 

for the main verse ( gi ), i'm almost entirely caught up on the main story.

hc heavy.

i use she/he/they for furina. she looks like both a woman and a twink and it's giving me gender envy, okay. genderfluid furina is so real to me.

generally novella because i love writing a lot!!

scarce activity bc my laptop is fucked up ( most of the keys are stiff lol ) + full time college student. i am literally doing a research proposal this semester.

aforementioned keyboard thing may lead to typos

i tag a lot of my ooc posts ( since a majority of the time they’re useless ) as “ irrelevant // ” as to not clog up peoples dash 

sometimes tumblr doesn’t send my asks so if you’ve liked for an inbox call and you don’t receive it, thats why 

mutuals can ask for discord<3 i encourage it actually since im active there more often but im very anxious and tend not to initiate conversation unless i feel like we’re very close 

if i ever bother you lmk<3 i’ve been told i can get a little spammy at times and i’ll admit i do get easily excited so if i need to tone it down just let me know!

if i’m following you i’ve read your rules !! i’ll assume you’ve done the same if you decide to follow back!

i only have access to the beta editor, sadly. i can try and pull some bullshit but i don't know if it'll work. my apologies.

NSFW.

those who are of age and have characters of age can smut with me. that said, furina is probably not gonna be very easy to fuck. trauma and all that. unless we have pre-established stuff. that's always fun. that said, don't follow just to fuck him, please. gore is also welcomed.

SHIPPING.

i love shipping, so lets do it! platonic, romantic, rivals, familial etc.. love ‘em all! planned or entirely natural, either is fine! if you wanna ship with me just ask! i have no preferences, not really, and i can say the same about furina. both she and i are down to clown with just about anyone. it doesn't even have to be healthy! ( to the tune of tmnt ) codependent toxic yuri/yaoi !

PLEASE DON’T RUSH ME.

full time college student with very limited time to do rp nowadays. i really enjoy writing and all but being rushed to reply makes me lose motivation. however, if i do miss a starter/don’t reply to a thread for a while you can tell me about that!

SELECTIVE + MUTUALS ONLY.

despite me saying this, all in all i probably follow almost everyone back as long as they have a rules + abt page i can find! i don’t follow personals but if you’re a hub or your rp blog is a sideblog, lmk so i can follow you there!  if you have a rules + abt page and i don’t follow back LET ME KNOW. sometimes tumblr doesn’t give me notifications and i don’t pay attention to follower count for the most part. i’m really not picky and im not trying to be mean or ignore you ! 

HATE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

any sort of hate will not be tolerated. if i see you picking on anyone or you pick on me , i will block you. that’s not the way i roll.

NO GODMODDING OR ANYTHING OF THE LIKE.

this is pretty standard , but please don’t control my muse or anything of the sort. 

I PRACTICE REBLOG KARMA. KINDA.

 i am not a meme archive blog , so if you do rt them please consider sending them!!

I’M FINE WITH ASKS BEING TURNED INTO THREADS!!

just please turn them into separate text posts, please!!

BE FUCKING NORMAL.

y'know. no racism, homophobia, transphobia or pedophilia, incest, and all that gross stuff. instant block. literally just be normal.

[sundimus]

Doki Doki Literature Club Secret Santa gift for the @ddlcgiftexchange for @maxcaulfield! Can also be read on my ao3. /// - - - ///

Monika missed Sayori. It’s not like she’s clingy or anything, and it’s not like Sayori is dead - god forbid. But she hasn’t shown up to school at all today, and being surrounded by people whose names and personalities belong to a wind Monika has no right to drift along with makes Sayori’s absence seem much more prominent. She wonders if her girlfriend - wow, that’s still so weird to say - is sick. It’s the middle of Winter and there’s been snow every day for the past few weeks. She’s surprised that she herself hasn’t gotten even a hint of a cold yet, considering how prone she is to seasonal changes. Best to not look a gift horse in the mouth, she thinks. She makes a plan to visit Sayori after school today. If she is sick then it can’t hurt to visit and keep her company while she recovers. Maybe she’ll have enough time to stop by the small cafe that’s a few blocks down the main road and pick up a small drink to bring over to Sayori’s place for her. A salted vanilla cream iced coffee topped with whipped cream and sprinkles, if they have any. Sayori’s favorite. It’s not her business to question her love’s taste in drinks, although she can’t help herself and questions it anyway. As long as she’s happy then that’s what matters in the end. Two fingers snap in front of her face and she looks up to see a slightly disgruntled Natsuki in front of her face and a curiously worried Yuri in behind her. “Earth to Monika,” Natsuki says as she leans back. “Yuri called your name like seven times.” “Actually it was five,” Yuri corrects. “If it wasn’t for the intense stare you were giving your desk I would’ve thought that I was being purposefully ignored, if I had to be honest. Are you feeling alright?” Monika feels a bit flustered at being caught in her thoughts. She didn’t realize how unaware she became of her surroundings. “Yes! Yes, sorry, I’m fine. I was just thinking -” about Sayori. “I was just thinking.” A beat passes, and the looks on both of the other girls’ faces tell her all she needs to know about how obvious her thoughts were to them. “Thinking... about Sayori?” Natsuki finishes for her, her question coming out more as a statement. Of course it’s obvious. She’s always thinking about Sayori. “Am I that predictable?” Natsuki bluntly replies “yeah” at the same time Yuri apologetically says “kind of.” Yuri puts a thread of her hair behind her ear and steps closer to sit in the desk next to Monika’s. “It’s just that... since you two have started dating two months ago you’ve been really... close?” she offers. Natsuki nods. “You guys have been filthily in love.” “Natsuki!” “What? I meant it in a good way.” Yuri sighed. “Of course.” She shifts her attention back to Monika. “Despite Natsuki’s unique description, she’s correct. You and Sayori had been almost inseparable since you’ve gotten together.” “Not like it’s a bad thing,” Natsuki assures. “As much as I complain about you two making constant kissy-eyes at each other, I gotta admit that it’s pretty sweet.” Yuri nods in agreement, and while Monika’s stomach gets riled up with thousands of embarrassment butterflies, her friends’ encouraging words fill her with giddiness. She reaches up and playfully pokes Natsuki’s right cheek, right where her single dimple lay. She’s both surprised and not at all shocked at the softness of it. “Funny how you two call us cute when you guys are downright adorable.” Both Yuri and Natsuki blush, the latter jerking her head back from her finger. “Yeah, yeah,” she mumbles. She points her own finger back at Monika. “Don’t try to change the subject! Sayori isn’t here and now you’re feeling all gloomy and stuff.” “Is she feeling unwell?” Yuri asks. “It’s quite unusual for her to miss a school day, but then again it’s also very cold and muggy outside now, and the weather has been getting worse these past few days.” “She might be feeling sick,” Natsuki says. “If she is sick then tell her to stay home and get better. I don’t want to get sick too.” “I’ll be sure to inform her of your concern, ‘Suki,” Monika promises. “I’m going to see her after school today to make sure she’s fine anyway.” “Good plan, but my warning extends to you too. Don’t come to school if you get sick.” “I won’t, I won’t.” “Make sure Sayori stays hydrated and washes her hands often,” Yuri also speaks up. Monika feels like she’s being talked to by two parents. “And make sure she’s eating properly, maybe something light and not too heavy, and -” Yuri pauses, trailing off for a second. “... Are we sharing poems today?” Monika thinks, resting her face in the palm of her hand. “Hmm... I think Sayori would want to read our poems with us. We could read it today and show her when she comes back, but I think she’d want to be here with us when we read it for the first time, so I’d hold off on it for now. If that’s alright with you two, of course.” Natsuki shrugs. “Fine by me. Honestly, it’ll give me time to look it over and see if I wanna change anything about it.” “Yes,” Yuri agrees. “I worked hard on my poem. I would prefer if all of us had the chance to read it together.” The school bell rang overhead, signaling the end of the school day. Monika got up, stretching her arms above her head. “Then we are in agreement. We’ll wait to share our poems until Sayori can join us. I’ll see you two tomorrow!” She slings her book bag over her shoulder and begins walking toward the classroom door. As she pushes the door open Natsuki’s voice rings through the classroom. “Can’t wait to read the love poem you wrote about Sayori, Moni!” Monika leaves, blushing hard, wandering what she did to deserve friends like this. So what if her poem may or may not have been about Sayori? She didn’t use her name. It could’ve been about anything. It could have been about a deer, or a pond, or the sun. Ah, well. As long as Sayori likes it then it doesn’t matter. /// - - - /// Monika walks down Sayori’s street, the cafe she wanted to stop by having been closed earlier due to bad weather. She bundles her scarf tighter as the snow crunches beneath her feet with puffs of frozen air escaping from her nose. Her face felt numb and cold by the time she moved her scarf to cover half of it, but she’s glad she thought ahead enough to take her mittens with her. Her ears already feel like they’re about to fall off, she doesn’t need her fingers to feel the same way. She walks faster when she spots the clear distinction of Sayori’s house in her vision. She opens the gate and walks through it, careful as she goes up the porch stairs to the front door. She knocks once, twice for good measure, and waits. ... There’s no answer. She knocks a third time, waiting a bit longer, but the result is the same. No answer. She looks to her right at the small potted, and now dead, succulent on the railing next to the door. She lifts it up to find the spare key to the house underneath it and picks it up to unlock the door. “Sayori!” Monika yells out in the house to make her presence known and not scare her. She slips her shoes off on the shoe rack next to the door, and shrugs off her Winter attire - putting her mittens in her coat and putting both her coat and scarf on the coat rack. “It’s Monika! Are you awake?” She hears a thud from somewhere upstairs with Sayori herself appearing at the the top of the stairs a moment later. She’s still in her pajamas and it doesn’t look like she brushed her hair yet today, but the smile she gives when she lays her eyes on Monika completely outshines any of her disheveled appearance. “Moni!” Sayori shouts, her voice crackling a bit. Monika guesses it’s because she either just woke up or because she hasn’t used it in a while. She rushes down the stairs to give Monika a hug, which was gladly reciprocated. “I didn’t know you were coming over today! I would have... cleaned up a little... heh.” The house is spotless. “Did I wake you up?” she asks, patting her back. “Nah, I’ve been awake since this morning. I was just laying in bed all day...” Sayori trails off, her embarrassment opening a deep form of understanding between the two of them that they both know too well. Today must have been one of her low days then. They don’t talk about her depression too often, and while some days are still off for the both of them, their recoveries - especially Sayori’s - have made remarkable progress. Monika leans back to look at her, having to look slightly down, and wraps her arms around her neck. “I just wanted to check up on you since you weren’t at school today.” “Thank you.” Sayori rests her palms on the small of Monika’s back. Her large green eyes started making her slightly flustered so she focuses her sight on a beauty mark close to one of the eyes, high up on her cheek. “I wanted to,” Monika repeats. She gently pushes back one of Sayori’s arms so she can hold her hand. “Besides, if I didn’t come here then Natsuki and Yuri would have forced me to. They think you have a cold or something.” Sayori looks down at their intertwined fingers fondly. “Nope! I’m perfectly healthy, except for the occasional sneeze. But other than that I’m okay.” She squeezes Monika’s hand and notices how her nose is still slightly red from the chill outside. “It’s chilly outside, isn’t it? Do you want some cocoa?” “Sure.” Monika’s relieved that Sayori isn’t actually ill - though the idea of taking care of her sick girlfriend isn’t awful. She knows a good mushroom soup recipe. Maybe she can be her taste tester one day. Sayori leads her through the house to kitchen located in the far back of it. Although the outside of the house is cloudy and gray, the kitchen window is shining enough light to considerably brighten the room. Sayori takes out a small, decently sized pot along with cocoa powder, sugar, chocolate chips, vanilla extract, and a bag of peppermint candies out of a neighboring cabinet while Monika grabs the milk out of the fridge. “Going all out, huh?” Monika teases. She knows that the vanilla flavoring is for Sayori while the peppermint candies are for her. She’s touched knowing that she keeps a bag of her favorite candy at home - especially since she herself doesn’t particularly enjoy the taste of it. Sayori smiles at her after pouring some milk in the pot. “It’s Winter! We gotta celebrate it with the most Winter-y drink known to mankind. Plus going “all out” means it’s just gonna be more delicious to drink.” Monika slides up behind her and wraps her arms around her stomach as she whisks in the cocoa powder and sugar, playfully moving both of them side to side slightly as she does so. “You’re right. Hot chocolate shouldn’t be served any other way.” Sayori moves with her, happily whisking away. She thinks that she should put a radio in here sometime so that they could dance together to some music. “Could you reach over and put some chocolate chips in here for me?” She does just that, moving over to open the bag and pouring some of the contents of it into the warm pot. After seeing them start to melt, she goes to grab the whipped cream out of the fridge. “Okay! It’s done!” Sayori announces. She helpfully pours the chocolate into two cups for them, adding the vanilla extract to her own while Monika takes a spoon and scoops some whipped topping onto both cups, putting the spoon in the sink and the cream back in the fridge afterwards. “Thanks,” Sayori says gratefully. She takes a couple of peppermint candies out of the bag and puts them on the table. “Now for the fun part!” “The best part,” Monika agrees. Both of the girls raise their hands up and immediately slam them down on the candies, crushing them into pieces. Monika picks up the remains and sprinkles them on her cup, completing her drink. With everything finished and the kitchen clean of their messes, they both start heading up towards Sayori’s room, carefully holding their drinks as to not spill it on the carpeted stairs. “I can’t wait to drink this,” Sayori says, pushing open her bedroom door with her hips. “It smells delicious.” “Be careful, though. Remember when we burnt our tongues on it last time?” “You mean when we dared each other to drink it without blowing on it or waiting for it to cool down?” “Yeah. I couldn’t taste anything for about three days.” “Do you wanna do that again?” “No.” Sayori laughs. They both move towards one side of the bedroom where two gigantic green and purple beanbag chairs rest against a wall and sit down them. The bags have seen some use, but they’re still nice and comfortable to sit on. They both spend a quiet moment sipping their drinks, Monika playfully knocking her feet against Sayori’s in a lazy game of footsie. Sayori smiles at her and pushes her own foot back softly. “Why didn’t you come to school today?” Monika asks as politely as she could. It’s not the best conversation starter, but she’s been curious and worried the entire day. Based on what Sayori said earlier she can easily guess, but she doesn’t want to make assumptions. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Sayori’s smile dimmed, though more out of embarrassment than displeasure. Monika feels a bit bad for asking, but she rests a comforting hand on her shoulder, giving her a soft and reassuring smile in return. Sayori leans into her touch, taking another sip of her drink before speaking. “I just had a bad day today.” “Yeah?” “Yeah.” She remembers never being able to talk about her feelings this easily. Her bad days and her sad days - she couldn’t talk about them without feeling guilty, like she did something wrong by not being constantly cheerful or happy. She remembers the first time she tried to open up to Monika about her feelings, way back when they were “just friends” unknowingly longing to be closer, and she could barely speak past the rock in her throat and the tears stinging her eyes. Monika had been patient though, and kind, and Sayori had slowly grown confident and comfortable enough to talk with her about her depression and anxiety without feeling judged or lonely. Sayori runs her finger around the rim of her cup idly. It’s almost empty. “I woke up this morning and my limbs felt like there were anvils laying on them. My bones felt heavy and I couldn’t get up.” “Did you go back to sleep?” She nods. “Yup! When I woke up I felt a lot better.” Monika grins. “Sounds like your medication is working.” “Yeah! It’s giving me a lot more energy. A year ago I probably would’ve just stayed in bed.” Monika tilts her cup and pours the rest of her drink in her mouth, finishing it. “Progress is progress, and I’m really proud of you for sticking to it. It makes me happy to see you getting better more and more each day.” “Really?” Sayori asks softly. Her own drink is empty by now and sits on her floor abandoned. “Really.” Sayori feels bashful, the corners of her mouth turning upward with incredible shyness. She scoots over in her beanbag chair to lean against Monika’s beanbag instead so she should lay her head on her lap. Monika herself wraps her arms around Sayori comfortably, one arm laying lazily on her stomach while the other one rests around the broad of her back, effectively cuddling her. This is a nice time for a nap, Sayori thinks as the minutes tick by, blinking her eyes slowly. The steady breathing of her girlfriend soothes her to tiredness, a beat constant and safe and real. A faint and noticeable tune matching the steady rhythm of her own small breathing. She almost thinks she can hear Monika’s heartbeat even though her head is on her thighs and nowhere near her chest. “Are you comfortable?” Monika teases. Her voice is a bit softer, perhaps because she’s also being slightly lulled into sleep. “I can’t replace your bed, you know, but I don’t mind being your pillow.” Sayori hums. “Sorry, I was just enjoying how warm you are and how our breathing almost seems in sync.” Monika huffs a laugh. “Almost sounds poetic.” “I got a lot of practice. Speaking of which, how was the clubs’ poems today?” “Actually we decided not to read our poems today. Everyone wanted to wait for you to come back before sharing them.” Sayori stares at her, surprised. “What? Really?” Monika pokes her cheek playfully. “Of course. Sharing our poems wouldn’t be the same without you there. You make them feel special.” Sayori feels flattered, a warm swarm of butterflies pooling in her stomach hearing that praise. “I can understand that. I couldn’t imagine not sharing my poems with one of you guys.” “Good thing we’re saving them for tomorrow then, hm?” Sayori still looks at her, taking in her slightly heart-shaped face and freckles scattered across her face like a constellation. Monika closes her eyes again, once more falling asleep. The walk all the way to Sayori’s house from the school made her a lot more tired than she realized. Seeing Monika like this, so peaceful and soft, fills Sayori with such fondness that she makes the quick and brash decision to lean up and place a swift kiss on her lips before she fully fell asleep. Unsurprisingly, she tastes like peppermint and chocolate. How fitting for someone like her. Monika cracks one eye open at her and smiles. “Now that’s not really fair, is it? Kissing me when I’m not even looking at you.” She leans down to place her own sweet kiss on Sayori. Kissing can’t magically fix everything, but it’s a start.

[megape]

Blog; I Ramble About Love

I’m in that mood again where I want to be productive, but I’m probably not going to be. I really just (like always) want someone here beside me.

Ugh, beware, I’m going to gush about everything because I’m feeling like it and maybe someone can also relate to the frustration I’m feeling from it. Don’t read if you can’t handle some super honest thoughts and truths about my views on relationships/friendships/sexuality. 

Also, keep in mind that though I’m being honest, most of this rambling is just all my thoughts being pushed to the outside world. Writing helps keep me sane when I have too much going on in my brain. I enjoy being honest, but I hope everyone that reads this realizes I’m not some stickler with hard expectations. I just decided to put all my jumbled ideas and thoughts to “paper.” Read with discretion and an open mind. (//^-^//)

 I guess lately, well really, for the past year or so I’ve been really lonely(?) It hasn’t been in that desperate kind of way though that I think most people tend to affiliate it with. Sure I’d love to just make a wish in a well and *poof* I have someone to love right beside me. But lately I’ve been talking with God alot and He’s telling me to be patient. Obviously, if I’m patient it’ll be alot more clear when the right person comes waddling into my life, but because I feel so much all the time my heart just wants to jump right into things. I know that’s not healthy for me, but regardless it’s what my heart keeps pulling me to.

And it’s really frustrating because being a demisexual and typically not feeling sexually attracted to people leaves me wondering and uncertain at times. Half the time I hear my friends drool over someone passing by and they’ll make a sexual remark and I’m like, “Wow, I bet that person has something that makes them really happy and I want to listen to them talk about it.” I care so much about people. I love so hard. SO much. And it’s really hard for me to open up physically even though that’s exactly what my mind wants. I dunno, I’m very confused lately because I have been struggling with my mind tossing and turning over everything. I’m a hopeless romantic and the fact that I’ve finally put myself out there is SO scary. Like, I’m fragile, I know, but knowing that someday I could let someone into my heart again and them break it is terrifying to me. I just hope things go well for me. I guess sometimes with most relationships I make now with people I tend to set them up by telling them I’m mess and then also making sure they know that I’m very open to discussing things in person. Does anyone else do that? I know it’s because of my anxiety/being self-conscious, but you’re supposed to make things clear, right? I’m always trying to make sure the other person knows I want to grow and make the relationship/friendship/etc last. I’m willing to fight for it if they are. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else really feels that way or if we’re all just playing house. 

I don’t want to play house. I want real. I want genuine. I’m not afraid to say I want that. I don’t want people in my life that aren’t going to take the relationship seriously. Whether that’s family, friends, or a significant other. I truly want the other person to always know I’m here to stay unless they prove to not want to work on things that can cause harm to the relationship. My goal in life is to maintain happiness and healthy boundaries. I’ve got to abide by that for my own wellbeing and if we can agree to settle things like humans then great!

In addition, that’s not to say that I don’t believe in short relationships. Some people only stay around for a season and others a lifetime. We live and we learn from relationships and that’s healthy! I’m not about to force a relationship that has run its course; especially if the other person doesn’t want me in their life!

I’m rambling again, but really I just worry alot. I’m tired of being just Megan. I want someone who wants to invest in my heart and I. But then again, that’s almost like saying I’m not enough and that shouldn’t be the case. Being Megan is perfectly enough and I don’t need someone else to prove my worth.

I guess that seems like alot and it’s definitely not something I’d throw out there on the first date, but I’m not the kind of girl that likes short term. And to clarify once again, short term in this case means hookups or fake friendships. You’re in it with me to enjoy and adventure through life for the time being or you’re not. And it’s okay if that’s not what someone else wants, go do you boo. We all have different needs and wants! Find what makes you happy and healthy and pursue it!

Ideally, I want to give my S.O. the world and all my love along with it. I’ve got lots of it stored up that I’m willing to hand out. I’ve never been able to fully give out romantic love... probably because I’ve never been in a clearly defined committed and loving relationship, but I’m still capable of it. If people would just give me a chance. I’ve got lots to offer like hugs and midnight drives and flowers and balloons on sad days and surprise visits and hand holding and encouragement and so much more. It’d help if I knew your love language... and then I could just go all out. Mine right now has been physical touch. I want someone I can hold onto and curl up beside. I want someone who lets me sit beside them in silence and it be fine. I need steady and safe. I’m tired of all this fake stuff that seems to happen so often. I just want someone who wants to invest in me, my heart, and the things I love. And I promise to do the same for you with all that I have. I truly believe my purpose here is to love unconditionally. 

And to be completely honest, I have LOADS of love in my life right now from friends and family and my relationship spiritually, but there’s that different kind of love. Does anyone else other than myself obsess over the different types and how they receive them in different ways? There’s four that I believe in: Eros, Storge, Philia, and Agape. I have Agape tattooed on me because that’s the love I strive to give to everyone, but granted philia is the most achievable towards strangers and friends. Storge is easy because my family gives me plenty of love and comfort. But it’s all the Eros love that’s being stored up that I have no one to share it with. I want to share companionship with someone. I want to invest in them and encourage them through their life. This all makes me laugh a little because everytime I hear “eros” all I can think of is Yuri!!! on Ice. But seriously, I’m a relatively simple person to love with the exception of all the useless amounts of information and ramblings of thought that go on in my head. But hey! That’s why I write. You could literally give me a flower from the ground that you picked up as you walked towards me and it’d keep my heart happy for days. I may talk a big game, but really I’m just looking for love like everyone else. Simple and sweet. Genuine and real. I’m not trying to make it seem unattainable, but rather, this is my way of helping me get all my thoughts out and realize someday someone will love me regardless of all the crazy stuff in my head. :P

Also, can I talk about how frustrating it is to be panromantic demisexual. Like, what are all these words and why am I feeling all of them at once?! Sexuality is so confusing, but to break it down, I’m feeling so disconnected from my sexuality right now. I get really scared that people won’t like me or choose to love me because of it too. Like, maybe they misinterpret and think I don’t want sex or that I’m too gay or too straight for them. I get SO scared from that. I love everyone equally and just because I’m more romantic than sexual doesn’t mean that doesn’t come later. That’s why I’m also demisexual! I do experience those feelings, but you’ve got to earn a special place in my heart first. I have to be able to trust you. Some of that is my embedded religious background, some from past heartbreak, and some just because that’s who I am. I take time to love, and I hope the right person doesn’t get scared away and understands I have trouble sometimes. I’m not perfect... and I don’t think they probably will be either so I’m not sure why I always think they’re going to be better than me. Honestly though anytime I develop a (serious) crush it’s like the other person fell from heaven. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to stop putting other people on pedestals and that they’re just like me with strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes human love so unique, vulnerable, and special because a bond forms where you can be real with each other and know you’ll stay side by side. Ugh, I want that so bad...

I’m sure this is alot of heavy stuff, and I feel really weird putting this out on tumblr, but maybe someone else out there gets me. Once again, I’m thankful to the people in my life right now who have chosen to invest in me and be super cool individuals. I enjoy doing life beside you. I love you all and the silly quirks you bring along with you. Let’s make memories. We’ve got one life, let’s live it lovingly!

[aftgonice]

I'm 14 going on 15 and I hate how so many people who take a character that was just my age, and make creepy art and fic about him. I'm about to turn his current age and have been propositioned since I was 11 and was always told that adults who try things like that are perverts. So why is it when a bunch of 20 somethings pushing a teen who is around my age into a sexual relationship with an adult and do explicit crap, it's not perverted and gross? What about the teens who are feeling sexualized?

First off, thanks for writing me and being polite in your message. 

The first thing I want to address is this: you should never be made to feel sexualized. Unless it’s with someone you want to be sexual with, like a crush of yours. Even with someone you consider a crush, if you don’t want to feel that way and don’t want to do anything that can be considered sexual (be it even a kiss), you should never feel forced. This is not just now because you’re a teen, this is something that all of us go through and need to keep in mind even in our 20s, 30s and so on.

I’m so sorry that you feel that way in real life because some adults are absolutely disgusting. They are. Adults that prey on children are absolutely disgusting and horrifying and you should call them out, tell your parents or your teachers or the police. I’m not kidding here. I know it’s hard and you might feel like you’re going to be made fun of, or that they won’t believe you, or that they will side with the adult, or that will belittle you and tell you it’s not a big deal. If you tell someone you trust, they won’t do all those things. Go with your guts. Tell, even if someone only threw nasty words at you or catcalled you (and I really hope you never went through anything heavier than that). In those cases there won’t be much that you can do, but telling someone will help.

What I can tell from your message, is that you (subconsciously or not)equate sex with generally being nasty and perverted. This will probably be unnecessary, but I’ll say it anyway: sex is not inherently gross or disgusting or creepy. If you feel that it is, then it means you’re not ready to enter a sexual relationship, and that’s perfectly fine and normal. I won’t tell you that that’s only because of your age, because some people never (or very rarely) show any interest in sex (it’s called asexuality and it falls under the LGBT+ spectrum). Whether you do end up growing to want sex or not doesn’t matter here. 

What matters is that now you clearly don’t want to see sex and anything to do with it in your fandom experience and that’s fine. Tumblr offers you ways to make your experience better and show you only the content you want to see. Block any nsfw tag. Don’t follow blogs whose description clearly states that they post nsfw (like mine). Tumblr is a big and scary place if you just take everything it throws at you (be it ship hate, nsfw stuff, etc). The thing with it is that it can’t cater to everyone’s tastes, so you have to be active about blocking the stuff that YOU don’t want to see. Other 14-going-on-15 year olds might be okay seeing nsfw fanart and posts and that will be their Tumblr experience, but you should definitely take measures to protect yourself from what you don’t want to see. 

Now, the thing about Otayuri is that no matter how you twist it, it’s not illegal to ship it, even in a sexual way. You should definitely read this post about it, because the thing is, as much as we can project our feelings and real-world stuff into anime characters, they’re not real. 

I assure you that if Yuri on Ice was a flesh and bone show things would be different. I don’t really watch any current TV shows with teens in them so I can’t speak for what other fandoms do with their ship, whether they’re sexualized or not. I can only speak for this silly and amazing anime that’s been consuming my life for the past seven months or so.

Anime and cartoon characters are a safe way to explore things about real life. Whether it be sex or depression or anxiety or simply falling in love, we can all identify with an anime character and see our flaws, our fears and our history in them.

The thing you have to remember is that we (I’m speaking for the slightly older part of the fandom since I’m in my twenties) have been Yuri’s age. We’ve very likely had crushes on boys or girls that were a bit younger, our age or slightly older (like Otabek is). So I think for most of us, shipping Otayuri is a way to remember what it feels like to be a teen and be in love/have a huge crush. We will never be that age again, and maybe there’s things we regret not doing, crushes we wish we had confessed. By shipping Otayuri in an active way (meaning: drawing fanart or writing fanfiction) we can explore things we experienced as teens (or wish we had) and pour a little bit of ourselves in Yuri’s (or Otabek’s) character. 

Those things might involve anything from simple fluff or rough sex, because, accept it or not, some people at 15 or 16 were (are) having sex of all kinds. Sweet, loving, rough, vanilla, kinky, you-name-it sex. So not to explore that aspect in a healthy way (through fics or fanart) would be lying about what reality is, it would be denying that we ever thought about or had sex at that age.

Much like with blocking tumblr content, you can choose what kinds of fanfiction you read. Only read General and Teen and Up tagged things, read about fluff and about falling in love in a sweet innocent way. Read anything tagged “Ace!Yuri” (it means asexual, the thing I was telling you about before). 

But please understand this: when we sexualize Yuri, we’re mostly sexualizing our (often past) selves. Not other teens, not other real-life people. Yuri doesn’t exist in real life, and many of us see bits and pieces of ourselves in him. When we write about him we really write about ourselves, be it because we want to see how we (maybe a little sassier and bitchier version of us) would have confessed a crush to our best friend, or would have handled the aftermath of having just shoved our gloved fingers in said best friend’s mouth in front of thousands of people. Fanfiction is a study about versions of ourselves that never existed, but might as well have.

Another thing I need to make clear: Otabek is not an adult. I assure you that the morning of your 18th birthday you won’t feel like an adult. You’ll feel like the you from yesterday and it will be anticlimactic af, you’ll be like “That’s it?” and yeah, it will be it. Just because the law in some country or state says that 18 is the age of consent (which is set to 16 or 14 years old in many other countries) it doesn’t mean that you’re automatically an adult at that age. You can be 18 and have had sex since you were 14. You can be 18 and completely uninterested in sex. You can be 18 and have a 15 year old mental age, or you can be 16 and be mentally more mature than some 20 year olds.

What canon has shown us, is that Yuri and Otabek are much closer to each other’s mental age than the 2 years + a few months difference they share. I encourage you to find posts about why there’s no power imbalance between Yuri and Otabek, because they compete in the same sport and they have had similar experiences in life.

In conclusion, if you feel irked about nsfw fanart and fanfics and discussions when it comes to this particular ship, please don’t read it/watch it. But what I can assure you is that none of us are trying to sexualize you or your peers. When we sexualize pixels on a screen we don’t see those pixels as a flesh and bone version of a human, we only see an idealized character whose age we are or have been and whose personality and experiences we want to safely explore.

Also really important: when we write/draw NSFW, we don’t write/draw it for teens to read. I repeat: WE DON’T CREATE NSFW CONTENT FOR TEENS. We’re not your parents or guardians, we write NSFW for whoever feels like they can handle seeing nsfw content. If you’re a teen that goes on the nsfw tag and then complains about it (I’m not saying that’s what you did here, I’m speaking generally), it’s only your fault for going in a tag that you weren’t comfortable to begin with.

TL;DR: 

Speak up if you feel sexualized IRL in a way you don’t like;

Learn how to use tumblr safely, block tags, understand that tumblr doesn’t do those things for you. Make your fandom experience exactly the one you want to see;

Don’t trust adults who tell you this ship is somehow illegal: it’s not;

Understand what’s behind fiction and fanfiction as a way we have to explore real life things (often too personal to write about as ourselves, so we project those things in characters we like);

Understand that adulthood is not something that happens from one day to another;

Learn to discern what content is meant to be consumed by a teen and what content isn’t;

Be safe.

[kensurou-blog]

did you ever rescind the otayuri pairing is pedophilia nonsense or do u really believe a 15 year old dating someone 2.5 years older than them is abusive like did you ever go to highschool or are you really that deluded

My friend, I work with kids grades k-12, and it is part of my job to understand the cognitive growth and behavior of people in those age ranges. And believe me when I say this: there is a huge difference between the brain of a 15 year old and an 18 year old physically, emotionally, and in terms of life experience. That is simply how development works. You’re so caught up with the numbers–because yeah, 3 years doesn’t seem like much, and between two adults it wouldn’t be–that you’re missing the point. Because 3 years is a huge gap psychologically speaking, between a 15 y/o and an 18 y/o young adult.

Also, I never said it was pedophilia?? Because it’s not. I know some people classify all minor/adult content as pedophilia, but I don’t because legally, pedophilia is defined as adults being attracted to pre-pubescent kids. And while it is entirely possible that Yuri is a late bloomer and puberty has yet to set in for him (he mentions in the beginning of the show that his body hasn’t started changing yet; I take that as him referring to puberty) I’ll go ahead and give it the benefit of the doubt and say he’s going through puberty. So, not pedophilia.

I also never said it was abusive. I said it was unhealthy, which it is. There is a power imbalance and manipulation there, whether intentional or not. I have seen the effects of m/a relationships. It really affects the kid psychologically. Many that I’ve worked with end up with self-esteem issues or anxiety, and that is far from the worst I’ve seen. These kids will often “consent” to sex despite feeling uncomfortable or not ready, in order to please their older partner, or to keep them interested (this is because of a lack of emotional maturity/intelligence that they simply will not have until they are adults). This should never happen in a healthy relationship.

I’m not saying it never happens that 15 year olds date adults. Because unfortunately, it does happen, as I’ve already mentioned. But rape is horrifyingly common too. Does that mean since it’s so common, rape is okay?

Look, it’s natural for young teens to be attracted to older people, even adults, and have crushes on them. That’s part of growing up. But it’s not natural for adults to be attracted to them in return, or to encourage it. It’s the inherent responsibility of the adult to keep up a boundary. What I’m saying is that the ship is not okay; it’s unhealthy, it sends a bad message, and perpetuates the wrong idea that it’s fine for adults to be attracted to kids. Plus it’s disrespectful to Beka’s character.

People disliking and being against that ship is not unfounded or without good reason. This is something the shippers seem to be unable to comprehend. They seem to believe they have a right to ship it, yet we don’t have the right to dislike it or discuss it. Interesting. But, I do have every right to be disgusted by a ship and the people who love it that glorify adults and children being in sexual situations, and the shippers shouldn’t be so surprised by people rightfully finding adult/minor relationships off-putting and gross. The shippers ignore csa survivors and minors who speak up about the ship being uncomfortable to them, that it bothers them to see Yuri treated the way he is by adult shippers, some have even mentioned that the ship is a trigger and brings back terrible memories of their abuse. Yet shippers claim that it’s not hurting anyone, and continue to berate anyone who tries to "take away their fun" by mentioning questionable aspects of the ship or selfishly whine about being allowed to ship what they want.

What has the world come to that being against m/a, pedophilia, and abuse makes you a hater? I’m honestly disgusted.