#okay did y’all know that there is limit to how long paragraphs in posts could be?

[1doesnotsimplyhavejust1fandam]

Can you IMAGINE if Sirius and Harry had been truly reunited the night Harry ran away after blowing up Aunt Marge? I feel like the two of them would've been SO chaotic together. 13 year old Harry fresh from inflating his non-blood aunt and seething over the Dursleys' words about his parents, teaming up with 33 year old Sirius fresh from 12 years in Azkaban, basically frothing at the mouth to rip Peter apart and protect his godson. They would be SO fucking fun for the Wizarding World to deal with (NOT). I'm imagining a world where Harry recognizes Sirius' magical signature or some bullshit as Padfoot and isn't immediately terrified when Padfoot suddenly turns into the murderous ex-con he just saw on the news had escaped. They're both just suddenly on the run from the Ministry bc Harry is like ??? WHY DO I RECOGNIZE YOU??? And Sirius is like I'M NOT LEAVING THIS KID AGAIN LIKE I DID THAT NIGHT!!!! So they're running around Britain and Harry's getting the 411 on Peter's betrayal and cute Marauders anecdotes and Sirius is losing his mind bc OMG it's his best friend and best friend-in-law (it's a thing, OKAY!?)'s son and he's so big and sassy and angry. And then Sirius is trying to figure out where they should go, and ends up deciding to go to fuckin Moony's place even though that's the first place people who knew them back then would check bc idk luck is on their side for once idc. So Remus has the absolute pleasure of opening the door to Mr. Harry James Potter in the company of a terrifyingly familiar black dog, and Remus' alarms are firing in his head as Sirius transforms from Padfoo t back into himself and he's shouting at Remus to LET HIM EXPLAIN, while Harry is doing his best to not let Remus fire a spell at his newly discovered godfather. Eventually Remus just lets Sirius explain on his front porch steps like they're a bunch of barbarians bc he refuses to let Sirius inside or let his guard down for a single second, and then Sirius tells him the whole story and Harry pulls out the Daily Prophet, and suddenly Harry has two absolutely FUCKIN FURIOUS Marauders on his hands, and they both want to chop Peter's head off and roast it on a stick, but Harry is oddly enough the most reasonable bc he's suddenly got a godfather that he doesn't want to lose bc hey, dude's kinda really great and also doesn't hate his guts like the Dursleys do, so of course he yells at them that they can't do anything yet bc Sirius would be carted back to Azkaban and probably Remus (who is still currently this random man to him ngl but also apparently the other loyal bestie his dad had at Hogwarts, so Harry doesn't want him chucked in Azkaban either) as well. So they devise a plan that involves kidnapped the fuck outta Scabbers as soon as Ron and Harry board the train together on September 1st, and Remus already has the DADA job, so he can help w that (although he still falls asleep bc I think Moony is absolutely iconic for that). And then the three of them just chill for about a month til it's time to board the Hogwarts Express, in which everyone at the station is suitably horrified when Harry just rolls up to the train with his brand spankin new pet dog Snuffles like nothing happened and he didn't just disappear off the face of the earth for nearly a MONTH, but Harry just ignores all that shit bc boy is on a MISSION and that mission is to destroy the bastard who got his parents killed and also started the catalyst of events that led to him growing up in an abusive household for like 10 years. Which is a thing he discussed at length w Remus and Sirius because Dumbledore is a manipulative piece of shit who TOTALLY KNEW the Dursleys were awful people and still decided to place him there :))))

Basically what ends up happening is Harry asks Ron to hand Scabbers over for a minute under the pretense of idek checking his lil rat toes or some shit bc he saw one was missing ???? And then Harry kicks Remus awake to do the spell, which he does, while Ron and Hermione are becoming deeply confused and disturbed by Harry's one-track mind and clear hatred for this stupid little RAT, but they let it happen bc Hermione sees the Professor part of RJ Lupin on Remus' briefcase (which, SCORE 1 for the Marauders definitely pranking him by getting him that briefcase at some point bc they WOULD and he had never been a professor before then so ???), and Ron and Hermione don't have a problem with authority figures, that's fuckin Harry. And Remus turns Wormtail back into Peter, and we get the whole Peter begging the Trio for mercy before Sirius turns back into himself from Padfoot, at which time Ron and Hermione start yelling about the escaped very dangerous convict in their TRAIN CAR, while Harry tries to convince them that Sirius isn't a danger to anyone in the tiny space but the fucking RAT, at which time Ron is like WELL HE'S NOT ACTUALLY A RAT ANYMORE NOW IS HE HARRY???!!! And Harry has to go with the short version of HE BETRAYED MY PARENTS RONALD!!!! while Peter is cornered by Sirius and Remus. And no, nobody has heard the yelling yet bc obviously Remus cast the Muffliato Charm or something, of course he did, I wouldn't forget that people have EARS. And then all of the sudden, the train car starts getting all cold, so Remus starts yelling at Sirius to change back to Padfoot bc the dementors won't sense a human that could be Kissed if he's not in human form, and Sirius does, but Peter also tries and Ron realizes what's happening and knocks him out (why Ron? Idk, why NOT him honestly, it's what he deserves after letting that creepy motherfucker live with him for the past few years bc YIKES I would be so freaked out) before Peter can turn back into a rat. The dementors come into the train car and Harry has his fainting spell which makes Sirius and Remus suitably LOSE THEIR MINDS bc WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO THE KID?!!??!! and Remus uses the Patronus Charm to repel them even though it means Peter won't be Kissed and Remus really wants revenge.

So Harry wakes up and is immediately accosted by his best friends, Sirius back in human form, and Remus trying to force chocolate into him. Ron and Hermione have been suitably informed of the situation, so they've closed the curtains, and nobody even knows what's happened besides those in the train car with them. Sirius doesn't have his wand, but he resolves to sit as Padfoot, staring at an unconscious Peter for the rest of the journey to Hogwarts, and the other four join him because no way in HELL are they letting that MF escape after Harry and Remus have managed to explain everything (and even before bc Ron and Hermione are the best and all they needed to hear was that Harry's parents died bc of Peter to determine that they would fucking the rat UP if he tried anything at all). So of course this weird fuckin quintet shows up to Hogsmeade's station with the real traitor and have to wait for everyone else to exit the train before traipsing up to the castle with the still unconscious Peter (Ron may not have cared all that much about being careful with head injuries from knocking bastards out bc of the whole ya know TRAITOR thing). Remus manages to send off a Patronus message to McGonagall (her bc of the aforementioned Dumbledore is a shithead thing) and they all head to Remus' new office with Peter in tow. Minerva shows up to Sirius as Padfoot, but an unconscious man who is CLEARLY Peter Pettigrew, and she's immediately like WHAT THE HELL??? and calls in some Aurors to deal with the trash. The Aurors are all suitably horrified but clear out soon bc they're not important to this story (sorry, kisses Aurors😘), and Minerva starts raging about Sirius being innocent and how DARE Peter, to which the Trio are extremely horrified bc they've never seen her lose her shit QUITE this much and it is highkey terrifying, but Remus is enjoying the show bc at least SOMEONE AGREES and Padfoot is wagging his tail and panting happily before Sirius realizes that Minerva can KNOW and he transforms back into himself, giving the poor professor half a heart attack. And because I think it would be hilarious for me personally, Snape walks in at the end of this lil story to see where tf Remus is bc he and Minerva are BOTH missing from the Welcome Feast, to Minerva McGonagall hugging the life out of a beaming Sirius Black while Remus looks at the two of them with a huge amount of relief bc THANK GOD she accepted his innocence, that could've been so bad for them lmao, they couldn't even Disapparate away at Hogwarts if she decided he wasn't innocent after all. And then Snape sees the Trio right beside Remus, also watching the hug and grinning like fools, especially Harry bc this meant Sirius was going to be FREE and also Harry would never have to deal with seeing the Dursleys or dealing with the fact that he literally blew up Dudley's aunt ever :)))

[wehatejulietsimms]

A/N: i'm gonna respond to this in sections bc it's quite long so bare with me.

Howdy y’all, 🤠 again. Yes, I didn’t in fact die. I’m sorry though that I kept getting sidetracked and couldn’t submit this until now, my boss decided to keep dumping her work into my lap. So I just wanna preface this by stating that I’m going to try and say what I want to as coherent as possible, but I have pretty severe ADHD so I’m not always as easy to understand as I think I am in my head, and I often go off on tangents, over explain things and circle back to topics randomly without realizing. Im basically going to go over their relationship over the years as I said previously (I’m not gonna go into detail about every single scandal and shitty thing Juliet did over the years, because we’d be here all year. so I figure I won’t cover them here, but rather let people ask specific questions if they want to. Remember, I was present for pretty much everything so feel free to ask.😊), but I’m also going to do kind of a mini deep dive into Andy’s behavior and actions (because although the snakes will hit you with every excuse in the book, and tell you that you’re looking too far into things and that it doesn’t matter, it does. The way a person acts in general and towards people around them is very relevant when talking about someone’s health, happiness, and well-being.) To start off, let’s take it all the way back to the time before Juliet’s reign of terror, when Andy and Scout were still together. In all honesty from what I saw of them together (and I saw pretty much everything they posted, I’m only a year younger than Andy, and I was quite into him when he was on MySpace and such, and I always watched anything with him and Scout together because they were fucking adorable lol) they had a really healthy relationship. Not once did I get weird vibes from them. The way Andy acted toward and with Scout, you could tell they really loved each other and were happy together. They had nothing to prove. It just was normal. (For any of you who are younger, or didn’t come into the picture until Andy was already post-scout and would like to see some videos of them together, you could generally search on YouTube for it, but also there’s a specific channel on there called like bring the milk tea or something that has videos of old Andy blogs and also Andy and scout on stickam and such. Worth a look if you’re curious) They weren’t constantly all over each other like possessive pack dogs *ahem Juliet ahem* and whenever Andy mentioned scout he didn’t need to shower her in compliments. They both seemed very secure in both themselves and the relationship. Super cute. Initially when they broke up it seemed quite odd. I didn’t really expect it. It got even weirder when he states that he and Juliet are together. It didn’t feel like they fit together at all (and no I’m not talking about from a fame or success perspective. At least not yet lol) As I’ve said I got bad vibes from Juliet right from the get go. Andy already seemed to be acting not like himself. (Also snakeys have argued that it’s just that he’s more mature now and that’s why he acts nervous and constantly looks Ike he wants to die. 🙄 maturity doesn’t mean losing your fucking personality and being unhappy most of the time. Jesus Christ.) it seemed like they got possessive of each other and constantly needed to show people how in love they were. Pictures, videos, and fucking public love paragraphs to show they are, in fact, in a super real relationship and they love each other. It also felt like Andy’s family was in on this whole weird charade.They (Chris honestly) started to defend her degenerate behavior and attack anyone who had even a whisper of negative things to say about her or their relationship. It was like watching a group of awkward, pretty mediocre actors put on a play about them being together. (I’ve hit the text limit now, but there will be more that I will write just after I submit this one though, fear not haha. N, you can either post this now or wait until I submit the rest, it’s up to you.) 1 / ? -🤠

A/N: i was here for a lot of it as well so i do remember some of this. although i did join the fandom shortly after him and juliet got together (i joined like around the time she was on the voice) i literally remember hoping that him and scout would get back together bc juliet just rubbed me the wrong way and i didn't know why at the time. & side note i actually do recommend people go look at old videos of andy and scout they were really adorable. there is this one video of them singing (i think a carrie underwood song lol) in the car and it's really cute. but yeah just bc he's older doesn't mean his whole entire personality changes. you can be any age and act however you want. i could even use jenna marbles & julien solomita (a youtube couple) as an example, they've been together for i think like 8 or 9 years and are about the same age as A&J (julien being around andy's age & jenna around juliet's age) & although they can have mature adult conversations and all of that, they still act like idiots and joke around together. neither of them look uncomfortable or are afraid of saying certain things like andy is around juliet. so andy aging doesn't mean shit in regards to his personality doing a 180.

🤠okay, so part two here we go. (Also I apologize if I get the chronological order of anything I talk about incorrect, I’m a bit scattered sometimes and the next ask I make will be the one where I talk about the domestic abuse and I tend to get quite heated, which only makes my brain function worse lol) so the point at which Andy was trying to get fans to go vote for/ support Juliet when she was on the voice seemed really fishy. I’m all for supporting the work of the people you love, but it’s kinda strange how hard Andy was pushing this at the time. Too hard in my opinion. I’m obviously aware that it was helpful in the end and he more or less got what he was asking for. But it was like he absolutely needed people to vote for her. As if he would get in trouble if they didn’t. So around 2012 or 2013 it felt like things really went down the shitter from there and just got progressively worse. (I never knew why for the longest time, but after they revealed that Vegas wedding that happened in about that time frame, it made a lot of sense.) Andy’s behavior began to change towards his fans. There are a lot of accounts of this happening from fans themselves and a lot of people said that 1. It was worse with Juliet around, and 2. a lot of the time it would happen towards females especially. ( I think more towards the “pretty” fans but don’t count me on that, I don’t know for sure.) This was completely night and day. Especially coming from the same man who used to always defend his fans and once stated something along the lines of he would never have a crazy or awkward fan story because he loves and is grateful for all of his fans and he won’t get upset if they’re just really excited. I would understand if these fans crossed the line in some way (like the later incident of fans finding his address and harassing them, which is unacceptable no matter who the people are) but from most if not all of the fan stories I’ve heard, they didn’t. They were being respectful and didn’t do anything to warrant this happening to them besides showing up. Which brings me to my next point, a lot of these negative experiences were caused by Juliet. Either she was the one being mean to people, she was causing Andy to be mean to people on her behalf, or her presence was upsetting Andy to the point that he was angry and started being rude and irritable. What scares me the most are the accounts of Andy having a whole Jekyll and Hyde thing, depending on weather or not Juliet was present. Happy when he’s free of her and miserable when he isn’t. In videos of him where Juliet is behind the camera he always seems nervous and strange. Like he’s afraid to mess up. That’s fucking alarming to say the least. You would think that the last thing one would want to do if another person brings them this much anger, stress, and anxiety, the LAST thing they would want to do is fucking marry them. Right? He literally started barely smiling at one point and really doesn’t anymore. I mean for Christ’s sake look at his wedding photos. What’s suppose to be one of the happiest moments of your life and to quote another anon with a different ask, he looks like he’s being dragged to the gallows. (And I get really fucking Angry honestly when snakeys tries to pass it off as “oh he’s awkward he doesn’t know how to smile” or “omg he’s being dramatic for the aesthetics” in some pictures, yes. But why the fuck would you look like that in pictures with the “love of your life” who you now regularly write cringy paragraphs publicly professing your love and complete adoration for? Andy knows how to smile genuinely. Ffs he used to. He smiled genuinely when he was a kid, he smiled genuinely with scout, and he smiled genuinely when Juliet wasn’t around. He doesn’t smile when she is there, and if he does, it is pretty much always visibly fake.) So I may backtrack a little later, but right now I want to talk about the fact that Juliet IS an abuser. More specifically, the plane incident. (Word limit. TBC.) 2 / ? -🤠

A/N: yes. 100%. when it comes to the wedding photos i will never understand people (specifically snakeys) writing off his behavior as him "just being dramatic for the aesthetics". is that something he would do in photoshoots? yeah. is it something he may do on stage? sure. something he would do in an interview? maybe. but candid shots of him on one of the "happiest days of his life"? wtf no. & idk why people think that.

🤠 Just before I start, again, with the pictures, I really don’t think that Andy is enough of a self absorbed egotistical dick that he would actually sit there and put on the whole “miserable tough guy” act in every fucking photo he takes. Ah yes, the infamous plane incident. So straight up, Juliet exposed herself as an abuser, and brought out every bullshit excuse in the book (and made Andy go along with them) to try to cover it up. 1. She was drunk. Honestly this is total bullshit. I say this same thing when people defend cheating or any other degenerate behavior with the excuse of intoxication and I will say it now. Being drunk does not make you a different fucking person. It does not change the thoughts in your head. What it does do is impair your ability to make decisions and judgement skills in general. It’s the same reason why people drive drunk. It’s routine. Its what they would normally do. And because they’re drunk, they can’t see any reason why they shouldn’t do that. Juliet gets drunk, she and Andy fight, she wants to hit him, and because she’s drunk she doesn’t think that she shouldn’t fucking put her hands on him. 2. She hit him in “self defense” and he broke her ribs.(There’s several points I have debunking this) first of all let’s get this out of the way, no one on that plane (including the very real witness who just so happened to be an adult film actress (I think?) who you so love to discount because of it) saw him strike her or even touch her at any time. Two, you are in fucking airplane seats sitting right the fuck next to each other with an armrest in between. It would be pretty fucking hard to break your ribs unless they were made of actual glass, or Andy’s real name is Bruce fucking banner. Bones are surprisingly strong and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it’d be damn near impossible for him to do that to you, which brings me to three, if he had broken your ribs you would not be fucking standing up, thrashing around, whining like a little bitch, and oh by the way, continuing to abuse your husband for the second time on that flight. Four, you had a miscarriage. (When I was trying to conceive with my husband it was very difficult. I had two miscarriages before I finally had my son. I’m fully aware of how devastating having one is.) which is why if you are not lying (which I fully believe that Juliet would stoop that low just to get sympathy, especially with this big of a scandal. But I don’t actually have proof of this so I will say that it is just speculation on my part) I don’t fucking care. I am not unsympathetic to her if this did actually happen as I said, however, You do not get to make any excuse for putting your hands on another person out of anger. Ever. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what kind of stress you are under, I don’t care if you are inebriated in any way and I sure as hell don’t care what the fuck you have between your legs. You do not hurt anyone. Point blank period. Five. You are a woman, you can’t hurt him. This one, actually enrages me. We all know your crusty ass pulled this one out (and threw around trump supporters a few times for good measure) because you know damn well how society and the media views and deals with abusive women. Women can abuse. Women who are shorter or weaker than their target can abuse. The fact that there are people who either don’t know that or don’t agree with that is absolutely baffling. Six. The same (I believe) porn actress. Literally saw you beating your own face with the restraints you had to be put in (which by the way flight attendants only ever use restraints as an absolute last resort when someone becomes a danger to the others on board, so she had to be acting absolutely deranged) to give yourself a bloody nose to claim Andy hit you. Then you proceed to act like a child and tell Andy to call your fucking dad. (Which kinda proves that whole Scientology thing honestly) what in the hell. I stg as long as I am breathing I will never let this go. This is actual fucking domestic abuse. (Word limit TBC.) 3 / ? -🤠

A/N: yeah her hitting him "bc she was drunk" was never a good excuse not only for the reasons you mentioned but, also bc let's be real at no point are you ever going to get served enough alcohol on a plane to make you that drunk i don't care what anyone says. also when it comes to the excuse of him "breaking her ribs" does she forget that andy actually did break his ribs a while ago? i think she even visited him when he was recovering so she should know what kind of pain he was in. & if he actually broke her ribs, there's no way she would have even been able to stand bc i know andy sure wasn't able to. he said it was one of the most painful things he's experienced. (i don't think i need to comment on the rest of this. it would just be redundant. you hit the nail on the head with that.)

🤠 I don’t care if it happened just that one time ore more likely is an everyday occurrence. Abuse is abuse and should never be tolerated. Kind of getting away from the plane thing. Andy always seems, as it’s been said on here before, afraid to mess up. Like he might mess up, and make her mad. A common behavioral pattern in abuse victims. He also at this point and for a decent amount of time before, doesn’t seem like he loves her anymore. Like he keeps up appearances and pretends, but it’s like it’s a job he’s forced to do. He’s tired and burnt out but was probably manipulated into staying and juliet is probably clinging for dear life. Also I don’t know if I’m the only one who thinks this, but I swear, the veganism and sobering up was just a cover up, most likely formed by either Juliet herself or her fucked up family, after the plane incident to hide their tracks and regain some public favor (because you know, if you advocate for animal rights then you can’t abuse your husband 🙃) Andy never gave a shit before though. Even though it was unhealthy he loved to drink and smoke and was very outspoken about that. And he used to never give a fuck about eating meat or consuming animal products like leather. I mean they’re still selling leather goods ffs. I would get having minor fuck ups because you don’t know any better, but it’s fucking leather. And now Andy is unhealthy and miserable as ever, but the culprit is malnourishment and Juliet rather than cigs, alcohol, and Juliet. My final thoughts: I do definitely believe in the Scientology theory, but if not that than I definitely believe that Andy was and is being manipulated for his fame. On several occasions it really looked like they broke up, including the time when they did, and then said it was a joke. It really doesn’t feel normal. Also, Juliet doesn’t really care about Andy that much. She never wears her wedding ring, she sells all their shit, including sentimental items, and now that she’s gained more popularity from being with him, suddenly doesn’t want to put him in her bio or write him the same creepy ass paragraphs or anything. It’s fucked up how shes so keen to say she did it all herself when really she’s been riding dick for fame since before she even met Andy. It also always kinda seemed to me that Amy was kind of uncomfortable around Juliet. We all know that Chris loves to kiss her ass night and day (most likely to do with the Scientology thing “if” it’s true), but Juliet and Amy always seemed to have a weird relationship like it was tense and forced. Also I just want to mention the time that Juliet talked about screaming at the woman over what I believe was a game night and brushed it off as being competitive and no one gave damn. Fucked up. To finish off this already way too long little series, I think Andy is a very vulnerable insecure person who got manipulated by several people (not just Juliet) some of whom he probably really trusted, and they helped to get him in Juliet’s (equally if not more insecure) hands so she could hurt him as she pleases. I truly hope that even now both he, and his parents (even though Chris really grinds my gears) can get out of this whole shit show, relatively unscathed. I know this is probably pretty unlikely, but hope springs eternal I guess. As I said feel free to ask any questions you may have and I will try to answer them best I can. Thank you for reading. 4 / 4 -🤠

A/N: yet again you hit the nail on the head with this part so i don't need to comment too much. other than the fact that i do agree that juliet and amy's relationship does seem weird.

[gas-station-trackphone]

Fic Recs/Mandatory Reading for Reddie fans

Here is an incomplete list of some of my favorite Reddie fics on ao3, because i cannot get over the sheer talent of this fandom’s wonderful writers! A lot of these are the Greatest Hits that you’ll find on almost every fic list, but that’s why I consider them mandatory reading. like if you haven’t read some of these, what are you doing?

the years go by like days by georgiestauffenberg, rated M

the 27 years in between, but better because richie and eddie stay together. every time i think of this fic, i think of that lady gaga meme where she’s like “brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, etc” and maybe it’s bc this is one of the first reddie fics i ever read, but this one is always gonna be my favorite

broken record by spunknbite, rated E

the mother of all time loop fics. every reddie veteran gets chills at the phrase “the house on Neibolt was still standing”

literally everything by stitchy

like seriously just clear a few days bc you’re not gonna want to stop reading this author once you start. no other author has made me literally fucking cackle in one paragraph and sob in the next like this one, pls do yourself a favor and devour all their works like i did 

the night we met (take me back) by camerasparring, rated E

ch2 fix-it where eddie shows up at richie’s door alive and with no memory. great slow burn with a wonderfully conflicted richie, 10/10

let’s hear it for my baby! series by cloudings, rated E

OOOOOOOHHH boy! a modern teen!reddie grindr AU that’s both steamy AND sweet?? more like a fucking blessing amen hallelujah

a heart that laughter has made sweet by marjaani, rated E

another lovely teen!reddie fic that’s got it all! sweet, stupid boys, humor, a teeny bit of angst, and some 5-alarm fire smut with some top eddie, as a treat

keep talking. i’ll keep walking toward the sound of your voice. by theappleppielifestyle, rated T

angst with a happy ending is my favorite, and this one is just fantastic. so sweet, so sad! and stan is featured as eddie’s afterlife buddy and idk about y’all but i cannot get enough of stanley uris in my reddie fics. read this, then read all this author’s reddie fics, they’re all amazing

collateral by loosecannon, sheepknitssweater, rated E

a post-ch2 fic that i guess could be classified as fix-it, BUT with some very interesting twists. they beat the clown, everyone lives, but no one really gets the tropey happy ending. the WIP sequel is also incredible and i live for the updates.

the greater fool  series by mischiefmanager, mostly rated T with some E

this is a series i’ll reread a lot bc it’s so fucking good. follows young reddie into early adulthood, mostly a bunch of cute shit where they figure out themselves and their relationship. also contains the single best teen reddie fic in existence, he came in through the window, but reading the whole series is a must

brokeback derry and everything else by Amuly, rated E

27 years in between, richie and eddie reconnect in their 20s and meet back up in derry twice a year to remember and love each other before going back to their lives and forgetting. so much pain. there’s a lot of sweet stuff in there, but you can see shit’s gonna get complicated from miles away and the anticipation almost gave me stomach ulcers (in a good way). ultimate angst with a happy ending.

let me name the stars for you by playedwright, rated M

speaking of angst with a happy ending...Martian AU!!!!! this one fucked me up in the best way, i literally called my roommate at 2am to vent to her about my emotions after reading it. i go back and reread chapter 8 just to be overwhelmed by it, and it makes me cry every time. plus, there are awesome sequels/companion pieces in the series! read this, i beg you!

walk through fire for you by hyruling, rated T

unwind after all that angst with some cute, drunk, confused eddie being very upset when he finds out richie is engaged. richie only teases him a little before pointing out the matching ring on eddie’s finger. 

in the heat of the summer (you're so different from the rest) by kaboomslang, rated E

post-ch2 slow burn with tags that really say it all, including but not limited to: eddie moves to california and richie is a mess, Eddie Kaspbrak’s Hot Girl Summer, and cute middle aged man dates

pivotal moments by danfanciesphil, polypocket, rated E

high school reddie has a sort of fwb thing goin on, but emotions get in the way. featuring wonderful bevchie friendship, hella miscommunication, cute double dates, high eddie, and a happy ending

like a bullet in the back by jerry_duty, rated M

adult idiots in love! a personal favorite trope of mine! slow burn with a fair helping of angst but a really great ending. richie stays with eddie in new york while he’s there on business, and it takes these losers SO LONG to figure it out but the way they dance around it is very cute

no sense of living without aim [WIP] by liesmyth, rated E

richie and eddie meet on grindr in the 27 years between and hey, whadda ya know, they fall in love! i really love this fic but i’m pretty sure it’s been abandoned. i’ve had it open on my phone browser for like 3 months with no update but i still check it regularly bc i’m pathetic and this fic is just so good i’m DYING to know what happens next so read at ur own risk

a strange sense of familiarity [WIP] by Katranga, rated E

another “they meet and fall in love without remembering” fic, and even though it’s not complete yet, it gets regular updates. oh, also, i’m obsessed with it. they’re long distance fuck buddies who can’t admit they’re in love, and then they get hit with the childhood memories! and everyone lives! what’s not to love!  also PLEASE read kisses take like mint and every other reddie work by this author, they are all fantastic

adult friends by sudowoodo, rated T

AU where adult reddie meet at a first aid seminar for work (immediately fall in love), become friends, become best friends, and finally get to be happy. has some super repressed eddie and intensely pining richie, which is always fun, and genuinely made me laugh out loud. also please check out this author’s other reddie fics, there’s some super sweet kid reddie in there that really warms the heart

the mind's a funny fruit by joldiego, rated T

eddie wakes up barely alive in derry, has 0 memory, calls himself richie, and moves in with some lesbians. an absolute must read that ought to be on every reddie fic rec compilation. i read this a long time ago and just thinking about it makes me want to read it again.

now what i'm gonna say may sound indelicate [WIP] by IfItHollers, rated E

it took me entirely too long to find this fic since i joined the fandom, and it’s truly a fucking masterpiece. it’s almost at 200k now and still unfinished, and the slow burn is excruciating, but this is a legendary fic for a reason. eddie spends the first chunk of this fic in the hospital recovering from the massive chest wound, and then he and richie move the recovery to ben’s cabin in the woods. the author’s notes for each chapter are a story in themselves

signs of a new lifetime by swordfishtrombones, rated T

one of the sweetest, most romantic reddie fics i’ve ever read. a fresh take on a classic concept: post-ch2, they’re in love, they haven’t said/done anything about it yet, BUT!!! it’s not angsty! they are all cute and giggly like “you say it first!” “no, you say it first!” and it makes me fucking MELT

broadcasting tower by swordfishtrombones, rated E

back-to-back recs from the same author! bc i love these fics so much! sort of similar to the last one in that they both know what’s up and just haven’t said it, but this one’s got the angst! i didn’t know when i read it that it was the same author as the other fic, and i thought how funny, i found another reddie author that perfectly captures this pair in such a wonderfully romantic way! i also just noticed there’s a follow up to this so now i have to go read that immediately

eurydice; the original comeback kid by Vulcanodon, rated M

for the love of god please read this and the other work in this series. it’s a ch-2 fix-it with some intense action sequences and major pining, and it has haunted me since i first read it

love on the telephone by tempestbreak, rated E

okay this one is really just 30k of pure smut but it’s also so sweet and features a mini sexual awakening for eddie and some insecure richie with an emphasis on how much they love and trust each other. also it doesn’t hurt that the smut is fire, like does anyone else want that twink obliterated, or is it just me?

the boy who loves you by candlejill, rated E

eddie lives, richie confesses, things are chill and then they’re not. richie’s career flourishes, which is always nice to read and is what ultimately catalyzes eddie’s gay awakening and realization of his love for richie. it’s got some sad angsty parts and a very sweet ending, and it up there as one of my favorite reddie fics of all time

richie and eddie break up [WIP] by skeilig, rated M

a refreshing and realistic take on life ch-2 for the losers, because being in love at thirteen doesn’t mean you can fall into a perfect relationship at 40. i’ll admit, i’m hoping this will ultimately be a “richie and eddie get back together” fic, but it’s still a very good read (and often very funny in the second chapter) at the moment in the midst of their break up

september 1989 and everything else by pineapplecrushface, rated T

cute kid reddie figuring it out and making me smile. the follow up to this and the after derry series by this author are also personal favorites

go west by ssstrychnine, rated T

road trip fic! an absolute work of art slow burn with teen reddie in the 90s. it’s so beautifully written i just wish i could go back and read it for the first time again

the edification of eddie kaspbrak by tozier, rated M

character study with some incredible fucking prose, my lord it gorgeous. explores how eddie learns about love as he grows up, and it’s super fucking sad sometimes bc the poor boy doesn’t know how to have the things he wants and i just want to give him a hug, but it’s really a spectacular fic

circular motion by sinchronicity, rated M

soulmate!AU that follows book canon and even though it’s been a long time since i’ve read it and the details are fuzzy, i remember absolutely loving it and thinking it was incredible

tell me you know by RichiesToesHurt, rated E

college losers with some severely pining and jealous richie with a lovely ending 

predicament bondage [WIP] by dgalerab, rated E

i resisted reading this fic for so long, recently broke and binged all of it, and now i’m like frothing at the mouth for updates. richie’s a closeted actor/comedian who meets eddie, a professional Dom, when he needs help researching a role. they become friends, they develop crushes, richie realizes he’s a sub, and it’s just so much fun to read

there’s a lot more fics to rec so i might add on to this in the future, but in the meantime my biggest tip for for reading fanfiction that took me embarrassingly long to figure out: focus on the authors! if you read something you like, check out the rest of the work by that author bc odds are you’ll like that too. i mentioned it in a few specific works above, but check out the authors catalogues for these fics. if i included every work by these authors that i loved, this list would be miles long

feel free to add on any great stuff i missed, there’s sure to be tons of it!

[anecdochees]

sharing ace experiences for ace week 2020

i wanted to write something up for ace week because i believe it’s important to share individual experiences so if others look at my experiences and go “hey that sounds familiar” or something then i want them to know they’re not alone

because there’s a lot of variability in how people experience asexuality especially in a society like ours where sex is so normalized and sexual attraction is so normalized and it can seemingly seep into every aspect of our day. it’s very easy to feel alone and to be tired because every where you look you think “that’s not me” but you’re not quite sure why - or maybe you do know why but you feel so isolated, and that’s tiring. it can be easy especially on tumblr to know asexuality exists and the ace community exists, but it’s another thing to really know if someone is experiencing the same things you are.

happy ace week y’all. stay safe <3 sorry in advance for the very long paragraphs, there’s a tl;dr at the bottom of the read more

the rest under the cut for those who don’t want to read about semi-in-depth discussion about my experiences with sexual attraction, libido, aesthetic and sensual attraction. i’d consider myself sex-indifferent btw

first of all, i think that my aromantic and asexual identities are pretty closely linked so i won’t be able to separate one identity from the other in how i talk about them. i’ll try to stick to the ace-side of my experiences but my aromanticism definitely colors how i talk about things

i think that i was one of those people who always sort of knew. not in the way like, i wasn’t like 10 or 11 and just immediately was “i’m asexual!” but hindsight is powerful, and i never hopped onto the crush train. i was always very academic and very introverted - small group of friends (if any) and more focused on books and school than anything else in elementary / middle school. in junior high i remember people started having crushes and i think when someone asked me i kinda just “chose” some boy at random and then convinced myself i was crushing on them. in hindsight i definitely did not have a crush on them, but i was probably at least a little bit lonely - and the idea of a crush (and the potential for what a crush could become) to pre-teen me sounded very appealing. so i went with it. and i’ve always been like that. junior high to high school i kept that “i’m too focused on school” attitude and it turned into a “I’m not old enough to have a relationship” attitude. my logic behind that one was like... “well. junior high / high school doesn’t last forever” or “14 is really too young to form meaningful romantic relationships with people” or something. i just kept making excuses. i still make excuses (to my family mostly). and i just. the thought of being attracted to someone without intending to become romantically involved never occurred to me until late high school (at that point i had exposed myself to enough fiction lol). the only levels of attraction that i remember from this time period were always like “wow i wanna look like ____” or something (this is still how i experience aesthetic attraction).

another aspect of asexuality that i often find myself thinking about is the idea of hookup culture. i’m a fairly touch starved person, and have been for a while - so at that point i was definitely fantasizing about like, casual friends-with-benefit situations just to get my fix of skin on skin contact. (my aromanticism definitely comes into play here because i was always afraid of that... unspoken expectation that a fwb situation would go south because someone would catch feelings for me. and i didn’t want that. so i never ended up in one of those during high school). the other issue was that i was never comfortable enough with my body or the idea of sex really. and the whole body-confidence and sex issue is an entire deal, but it’s related. theoretically a casual hookup sounded great - the skin on skin contact and the itch for sexual activity would be scratched when it came up - but i was never comfortable with the idea of sex with someone i didn’t know. and it’s not like demisexuality where it has to do with emotional closeness or bonds, or at least i don’t think so? but rather just how much i trust the person? for me those two things are different (and for some people they’re one in the same, that’s okay. not everyone experiences the same thing) because i can trust someone but not be super close to them. i’m a fairly closed off person emotionally i think? so.

and that made things really confusing for a while especially going into college. because i told myself i’d like, get myself out there and be more comfortable with myself and my body and finally uh. you know. get down and dirty. but the whole “i need to be comfortable with someone to have sex with them” thing really put a whole stop to that plan. i remember meeting up with someone on tinder for the first time and like, we made out for a bit and that was so much nicer than the awkward uh. heavy petting. that followed. and that got me thinking about another thing - that making out just because it feels good physically was something i enjoyed a lot. there’s a while where that’s all i did, and i remember talking about how. for some people making out was a turn on, and that just didn’t click for me. this is what i would call sensual attraction - lots of physical affection and holding hands and making out - which is what i experienced and craved.

but okay so the sex-indifferent thing. in theory i’m not repulsed by sex at all because i think if i had the right conditions it’d be something i’d like to indulge in. i have this.. idea in my head that at some point i have to just like “get it over with” - and i know that mindset can be harmful, but it’s definitely something that like... i want to have experienced, so it’s less of a “get it over with” and more of a “see what all the fuss is about” type deal lol. but also due to the various things i mentioned earlier i’m not a very experienced person beyond making out, which has also limited my perspective. and that’s totally okay! i’m almost done with college and i still haven’t technically lost my “virginity” (even though virginity is a social construct) and that’s completely normal! i haven’t felt comfortable doing so and it’s a hard topic to talk about sometimes, and especially during a pandemic you can’t exactly explore your interests.

i think i sort of lost where i was going with this post. i’ve probably posted some rendition of this earlier on the blog, which... that’s okay.

tl;dr though

- experiencing asexuality is really different from person to person

- for me it involved a lot of excuses for why i wasn’t interested in people romantically (and sexually)

- being touch starved, sex indifferent, and asexual made things really confusing because sometimes they would conflict with each other in my brain; the attractions would overlap and then i’d confuse myself

- being asexual in a society that normalizes sex is really confusing and hard ; everyone around you is talking about it (or at least in high school/college) and there’s this invisible pressure to do what everyone else is doing, even if you don’t get it

- it’s totally okay if you’re not comfortable experimenting or if you don’t want to experiment - you don’t owe anyone anything and the only reason you should do anything is because /you/ want to.

[dickwheelie]

Day 29: Secret Admirer

For the @ineffable-valentines prompt list!

Boy oh boy. I cannot believe I was able to post a fic for this prompt list, on time, every day for an entire month. For me, that’s huge. I tend to be a slow writer and I rarely finish the stuff I start. Not every fic was amazing, or very long, but by gosh, I sure did finish them, and I had so much fun doing it! Huge thanks to @mielpetite for making this list and reblogging all the entries throughout the month, they’ve been amazing. Thank you also to all the lovely folks who commented/reblogged/liked my fics, you gave me the motivation to sit down every day and write something, even when I wasn’t feeling it. Much love to all y’all.

If you go to the #ineffablevalentines tag on tumblr, you’ll see the other entries, and if you go here on my blog you’ll see all of mine. Okay, enough chat, please enjoy my final fic of the month, wherein to no one’s surprise, there is more letter writing.

__________

To the proprietor of A.Z. Fell & Co Booksellers, Downtown Soho, in case there’s another one knocking about somewhere—

I saw you in the shop the other day and couldn’t help but stare. You were gently ushering someone out the door without a single book in their hands, and I couldn’t help but find your tenacity admirable. I myself was careful not to remove any item from the store when I left, but I’m afraid I may have left one behind. I was wondering if you might have seen it, so I can come back to fetch it. You see, it’s terribly important to me. It’s my heart.

Love,

Your Secret Admirer

Aziraphale chuckled through an unseemly blush as he refolded the letter and placed it on the top of the stack that had been slowly growing on his desk for the past month. Every day of that cold, miserable February, a letter had arrived at his doorstep, with no return address and no name of sender. They were—and there was no beating around the bush about it, really—love letters, very obviously meant for him, from an anonymous so-called secret admirer.

At first, Aziraphale had been rather confused, but had kept the letters anyway, intending to show them to Crowley and have a good laugh. However, as each day passed and each new letter arrived, Aziraphale found himself quite charmed by this secretive writer. Clearly, they were a regular customer of some kind to know Aziraphale so well. They made all the right jokes, said all the right things, made references to all the right literary figures; either they had discerned Aziraphale’s tastes with perfect accuracy, or they had much in common with him.

Some of the letters were extremely lengthy; others, like today’s, were only a short paragraph or two, recounting the admirer’s feelings for him. Some were maudlin and prose-laden; some were humorous and sweet; others still were almost salacious in tone, never saying anything too outlandish but bordering on the cusp of it, hinting at things and implying things that made Aziraphale blush absolutely scarlet. All of them were quite flattering, and left Aziraphale’s mood brighter for the rest of the day.

Aziraphale had been charmed by humans before, and even been romantically pursued by some of them, but never before had one so captivated him with the written word. (This, of course, did not include works of literature. That was a very different kind of captivation that involved less blushing.) He’d never had a secret admirer before. It was all very thrilling and romantic.

Not being able to write back was a bit frustrating, but Aziraphale supposed it was for the best. Though he was quite flattered, and had reread some of the letters more times than he’d like to admit, at the end of the day, his admirer was only a human who only knew him as a bookseller.

Besides, Aziraphale was already taken. Speaking of which, he ought to get himself ready to meet Crowley for dinner; their reservation was at eight.

I ought to tell him about the letters, he thought as he went about selecting a bowtie. Crowley ought to know, after all, that he had some competition. Aziraphale laughed aloud at the thought. After dinner, he decided, he’d bring Crowley back to the shop and show him the pile of letters.

And so he did. Aziraphale poured them both a glass of wine and brought Crowley into his study, presenting the pile of papers as though it were an ice sculpture.

“Terribly sorry I didn’t mention these to you earlier,” said Aziraphale cheerily. “I suppose I didn’t want you getting jealous that I had a secret admirer.”

“Jealous? Me?” said Crowley wryly. “Never.”

“Well?” said Aziraphale, when Crowley didn’t make a move towards the desk. “Go ahead, read some of them. You have my full permission.”

“Hmm. I dunno,” said Crowley, making himself comfortable on one of the armchairs on the opposite side of the room. “Seems like your private affair, to me.”

“Nonsense! Here, I’ll read one to you.” Aziraphale selected one at random from the middle of the pile, unfolded it and cleared his throat. “Oh, this is rather a good one.

“My dear bookseller—

“I’ve read every Wilde I can get my hands on, but apparently even your shop doesn’t hold the book which may contain a description vivid enough to capture you. In my experience, none do; not Whitman, not Keats, not Dickenson. The most complimentary of love poems do not contain a subject more appealing to me than you are. I’m afraid there may not be words in the English language or any other to describe your radiance. Compared to all the other authors and poets, who am I to attempt such a feat?

“I must try anyway. You, of all the beings of the Earth and Heaven above and Hell below, deserve to know your own wonder. Compared to you, my perspective is lowly, to be sure. Still, was it not Wilde who once said that we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars?

“Endlessly Yours,

“Your Secret Admirer.”

Aziraphale had to pause to surreptitiously wipe at his eyes. That one had been particularly moving when he’d first read it. “Now, wasn’t that just lovely?” he said after a moment. “They know my tastes so well.”

Aziraphale glanced over at Crowley to see his reaction, but to his surprise, Crowley was smiling. A small, rather sweet smile, not at all jealous or mischievous. “Yeah,” Crowley said, “it was alright.” He put out his hand. “Can I have a look?”

Aziraphale handed him the letter and Crowley perused it, his expression much more pensive than Azirapahle would have expected. After a minute or two, Crowley said, “Yeah, not too bad, really. Not much I’d change, on this one. Just that the references to Heaven and Hell were probably a little too on the nose. And I’m pretty sure I used ‘complimentary’ incorrectly there.”

“Oh, really?” said Aziraphale, taking the letter as Crowley passed it back to him. He gave it another quick once-over. “No, I think ‘complimentary’ with an ‘i’ is correct. If it was an ‘e’ then it would be wrong, as in ‘complementary’—wait a moment.”

Aziraphale looked back up at Crowley so quickly he could have given himself whiplash. “You said I. ‘I used it incorrectly.’ Crowley. Did you—”

Crowley grinned, and crossed the room to press a kiss to Aziraphale’s brow. “Happy Valentine’s, Angel,” he said. “Well, happy February. The fourteenth went by and I had more I wanted to say, so I just sort of kept going.”

And suddenly, it all made sense. Who else, after all, could know Aziraphale so well? A human, with limited time on the planet, observing Aziraphale from afar, could never reach such an intimate understanding of him, and what he loved.

“Oh, my dear,” said Aziraphale. He glanced over at the pile. He was already planning a late night of reading through them all again, this time with the proper demon in mind. “Do I even have to say it?”

Crowley stuck his hands in his pockets and bobbed his head from side to side in a pantomime of thinking. “Well, considering it look me bloody ages to draft these all up, and write them by hand, and train the mice to deliver them, and stop myself from bragging about them to you every day for the last month—”

Aziraphale interrupted him with a kiss. “All right then,” he said, laughing. “Thank you, secret admirer.”

Crowley beamed. “Ah, it was no big deal, Angel.”

***

On February first of the following year, Crowley woke up to find an envelope sitting on his bedroom windowsill, outside his flat. It was addressed to “The handsome gentleman on the fifth floor,” and there was no return address. Inside was a letter, written on very old parchment and with very expensive ink, which read:

My dear,

Forgive me for my boldness, but I happened to see you in the Ritz the other day (you were with a rather good-looking gentleman in white, a very lucky man, if he had the privilege of being your dining companion), and you seemed to me to be the most dashing person in the room. Nay, in all of London. I found myself thinking about you for the rest of the evening, and I just had to draft up this letter to tell you exactly how lovely you looked that night. Though you wore dark glasses, I could occasionally catch a glimpse of your eyes behind them, and their beautiful golden color, and I found myself nearly speechless every time.

In all of creation, I have never found a being so wonderful to gaze upon. I imagine that if I were to, hypothetically, take the place of your ever-so-fortunate dining companion, and have a conversation and a drink with you, I would also never find someone so fascinating, so caring, so clever as you. I imagine if I were lucky enough to know you so well, your wit would be as dazzling as your eyes.

With the Greatest Affection,

Your Secret Admirer

Scrawled at the bottom of the page, in a much hastier hand, was a postscript. Crowley read it, cackled uproariously (which helped to hide his blushing), and went immediately to phone Aziraphale, intending to explain to him the point of having a secret admirer.

P.S.: Please do let me know if you received this! The doves are not very good with street directions, unfortunately. I am working on it with them. Much love! —A

Crowley also intended to tell him that he bloody well loved him, too.

[stupidpianist]

12 november 2018

13:22: Sitting in music library right now, trying to “brainstorm,” trying to “keep things fresh,” or something. Nearing 50,000 words on this project, and feeling like I need to do something with it in order to keep it from “going stale,” not on the level of y’all the readers, but even for, like, myself, doing this, I think. Not that I’m having a bad time doing this, or that I’m starting to get bored with it, or anything, the only reason I didn’t update the liveblog for the past three days were personal matters that kept me occupied for most of each day, so, like, it was practicality, not lack of interest that “kept me at bay.” At the same time I never like just continuing to do something the same way just because it’s what you used to do, and I’m having, like, an itching feeling about the liveblog, like, “gotta do something new with it, gotta ‘switch it up’ a bit.” It’s naturally evolved, I know, in terms of the structure and the tone and the prose since first starting, which is good, I like the natural progression of it, but I want to play with it a bit, like, push the form “to its limits,” or something. I feel silly writing that, hahahah.

Really dislike days when I “don’t update” the liveblog, even if it’s for valid reasons, still feels like I need to have some kind of “plan of action” in case that happens. Consistency seems like a prerequisite, or else liveblogging as a form loses meaning/power/effectiveness?? Crap now I’m going off on a liveblog theory tangent, theorizing, I’m theorizing, folks, like a big giant moron. Let me try to parse this out, let me try to, uh, “illustrate in text” where I think I can start bending the form:

-Have been doing timestamps to-the-minute as a way of structuring the blog, with, sometimes, “mega updates” that are more cohesive paragraphs, foregoing timestamps, when I’ve been lazy/unable to jot time down on phone note, or when unable to get to a computer to update blog for long periods

-Enjoy this notion of the timestamp, gives the whole thing a “real” feeling to it, knowing, exactly, what the person is doing, and when, but need to find a way to make it more precise??

-Maybe make a private Twitter or Mastodon account and post what I’m doing, that way Twitter/Mastodon can automatically log the timestamp and I don’t have to keep adding it into my phone’s note document, and I can, “with ease,” log things with a more exact level of detail?

-This doesn’t really change the form, or anything, of what I’m doing, though, want to incorporate something “new and exciting” so I’m not just going off of what I’ve grown comfortable with, need to keep “pushing myself”

-Okay think, George, think, what would be challenging, now that you’re used to logging each minute of being awake, what would make it harder, like, leveling up, the next stage in the game, the next boss hehe

Oh wait I think I know, think I have something for you, let me “serve you up” with this, let me “butter your bread,” guys. Boy George has got something, you remember MySpace, when you could do things like “listening to” and put music?? Okay so here’s my idea, I think it’ll be mutually fun to read and to write, I’m gonna write a paragraph or so about the music album/song/thing that I’m most listening to during each day, since this usually changes by day, and also because I’m listening to music for most of the time that I’m conscious. Actually, wait, wait, let’s calculate, let’s do some calculations:

-awake for, like, 16 hours each day? -subtract ~2 hours lectures per day -subtract ~4-5 hours piano practice per day ~subtract any time i’m with people i like, unsure what this metric is, heavily depends on day

Okay for like 9/16 of the hours that I’m conscious I’m going to be listening to music, and I have, like, a LOT to say about music, like obnoxiously so. So this is good, I can include an insertion about the day’s “soundtrack,” OH OH THAT’S GREAT okay that’s what I’m going to call it, I’m going to call this section “Soundtrack of the Day” hahaha, okay, nice, nice. Will do this section later today, needs to be “late enough in the day” where I really know what the soundtrack that fits my mood of the day is. That way the Soundtrack of the Day can give insight into how I’m doing, and it can also just be fun to write about music in itself. Also going to do that timestamp thing with a private Mastodon/Twitter account that only I can access so that it’s a lot easier to quickly input what I’m doing and have it automatically timestamped, been thinking about doing this for weeks now but never “implemented” it.

Okay, okay, there’s the Liveblog 2.0 update, we are now on phase two of liveblog, folks, here are the “patch notes”:

-fixed timestamp logging system, switching from google keep to mastodon

-added “soundtrack of the day” section, should provide further insight into each day’s liveblog, should also be fun to read from a musically critical perspective

-additional resources added towards maintaining liveblog, even minimally, on days when time constraints make longer updating practically impossible; new timestamp logging system should aid in this, as i can just mirror all the tweets/toots onto liveblog without elaboration, but at least they’ll be there

Sick it’s 13:44 now, I’m going to head up to the practice rooms and “see what I can do” for a bit. Oh crap, I almost forgot, hahaahah, here’s what I did today: -woke at 11h right before needing to run out of door for piano pedagogy class -hurriedly brushed, didn’t do hair, threw on clothes, ran out door -stopped for organic low-sugar energy drink, 100mg caffeine, en route to campus -went to class -went to tim hortons, got jelly donut, large coffee with one milk -brought tim hortons to music library

Fairly straightforward day so far, I’m still not sure, exactly, where my mood is, but I’m feeling well re: liveblog 2.0 changes. Don’t know if there are enough changes to constitute marking this as, like, a completely new version, instead of just a point release, but whatever I’m not about to fricken start labeling liveblog updates/“patches,” like, 1.2 or 1.02, just sticking with whole numbers lmao.

Also don’t have too much of a plan today, my obligations today are “scarce,” there are not many of them, no, not many at all, nope. Will practice and “see where my heart leads me,” I think, yeah. Feeling very “neutral” today, feeling like a murky, amorphous, grey sac.

[hyotaem]

why kim kibum is a RAVENCLAW

first of all kim kibum’s ugly ass can fight me for shoving his “““““““““““slytherin””””””””””” self in my face with all his stupid instagram posts this is the FIRST time i haven’t been excited about him posting. now let’s be real here the sorting hat must’ve been smoking some crack or something if it put kibum in slytherin………. he’s CLEARLY A RAVENCLAW and i have PROOF. SO MUCH proof that i’m about to write six pages of this shit!!!! ten virtual bucks and all of miss sha’s love to you if you actually read all of my anger induced rambling :)

okay!! now let’s get rowling’s awfully one dimensional and un-fleshed-out definition of what a ravenclaw is out of the way : the smart ones. that’s it. “wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure” blah blah all of that. basically the way she set it up in the (amazing) shitshow that was the harry potter books, most people interpreted it as “oh you do well in academics and stuff you get straight as and all that cool jazz so you must be a ravenclaw!” EXCEPT. getting good grades isn’t the only type of intelligence you can have and this especially applies to kibum because although i don’t know how well he did in school i do know that he has immense creative intelligence that screams ravenclaw AND NOT FUCKING SLYTHERIN GOD DAMN IT. also point number two!! if that was the only thing that made you a ravenclaw then hermione wouldn’t be a goddamn gryffindor. if you think back to book one (for those of you that have forgotten already, that’s the sorcerer’s stone or the philosopher’s stone depending on where you came from - a completely unnecessary change that still baffles me because despite the fact that americans are dumb i don’t think we’re THAT dumb that we wouldn’t know what a philosopher is but i digress) there’s that scene while they’re in room with the logic test with the poison and she says something along the lines of “yeah logic and cleverness is great and all but bravery and friendship is where it’s at harry!! now go beat voldemort’s ass!” (keep in mind i don’t have the books in front of me right now lol) it’s because she values those gryffindor qualities more than she values the qualities of intelligence that she was placed in gryffindor but that wasn’t very well expanded on in the books and it isn’t super relevant to ravenclaw kibum so i’ll move on.

one of my biggest points is the whole intelligence isn’t limited to getting good grades in school one. so in 1983 a developmental psychologist (don’t know what that is and i’m too lazy to google but i’m assuming he knew what he was talking about) came up with this theory?? idea?? whatever. that there are in fact nine different types of intelligence and you can’t bullet point in essays so bear with me: there’s naturalist intelligence which is like nature and stuff… not my thing and not kibum’s either so we’ll move forward; musical intelligence - let’s stop this list right here so i can point a giant finger at kibum’s obvious musical talent (which fingers crossed we’ll get to see in his solo album which will happen i have hope) - logical/mathematical (it took me four tries to spell that right could you believe i used to be a three time school spelling bee champion hahhahhahah) which is what i believe most people think of when they think “intelligence;” existential (why do we exist? what is our purpose here on earth? what the fuck exactly is a human? what is consciousness? this is for the ones who have existential crises every other day congrats you’re smart). this paragraph is getting too long lemme move to the next one -

yes hi where were we : interpersonal! this is a another one i think kibum has a lot of; he’s really extroverted and have you ever noticed that he knows like. everyone because he makes friends super easily and everything?? he knows how people work and he’s comfortable around them. next, linguistic intelligence, which he possesses a lot of too - we all know the man’s smart as hell when it comes to languages it’s real sexy; intra-personal (this is like…. knowing yourself and your thoughts/feelings which sounds fake to me but whatever); and last but not least (or yes least depending on how much of it you have) spatial intelligence which yeah kibum has a lot of because this applies to visual art and stuff and also comes in handy if you’re an engineer. (shout out to any of those reading this now stop and go do your job or something fucking nerds!)

so we’ve established that kibum is super intelligent, especially creatively, which you already should’ve known if you’ve been a shawol for longer than two seconds or aren’t stanning solely for visuals… my point is : kibum’s a smart dude!! so one box for ravenclaw checked! i’m not trying to say if you’re not a ravenclaw you’re stupid by the way because all of this means jack shit if you don’t value your intelligence, which brings us back to the whole situation with hermione - she was in gryffindor because gryffindor’s qualities were more important to her. but i think it’s clear kibum takes a whole lot of pride in his creative accomplishments and he’s always looking to add more to his loooooong resumé of cool shit i’ve done at such a young age (taemin has one of those except his is cool shit i’ve done at an even younger age). it’s these traits of his that stand out the most in my opinion which checks another ravenclaw kibum box!

completely unrelated to actual house sorting but kibum looks incredible in blue. pretend i attached pictures for reference.

listen being in ravenclaw isn’t all flowers and rainbows (that’s more hufflepuff; you can find them in the kitchens xx). this emphasis on logic and intelligence can often create a chasm between the more human side of things. ravenclaws tend to forget that emotion plays just a big a part in how things work as pure, cold logic does - which obviously doesn’t always apply, because interpersonal intelligence is a facet of ravenclawism?? let’s pretend that’s a word. ravenclaws can also be real perfectionists and super hard on themselves. and don’t forget that they can get big heads too - placing a higher value on intelligence, creative or not, doesn’t make you better than the rest of the houses, ravenclaws.

trust me, i know. i’m a ravenclaw. fuck pottermore.

i just realized something. in any proper school essay, you never just jump into things the way i did. idk if any of you learned tags?? theme, author, general, specific (or something like that; forgive me if i can’t remember, oh sophomore year honors english teacher) but yeah i forgot to do all that and just kinda went KIBUM IS A RAVENCLAW FUCK HIM so…

i’m assuming whoever’s reading this has either read and/or watched at least one of the harry potter books/movies. if you’ve only ever seen the movies (or worse, just one movie) get the fuck out of my sight! nah, just kidding, i’m ready to explain all this shit to y’all. so buckle in, kids and non kids, because you’re about to have a crash course on hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry completely from my shitty memory!

so hogwarts is this amazing school in england that teaches young, impressionable kids magic tricks but with real magic. it’s the wave your wand, say the latin inspired magic words, and boom! you just turned your rat into a teacup (or if you’re ron, you got stuck halfway and now peter pettigrew is having the worst time of his life since [spoiler]). it’s pretty much the most dangerous place you can send your kid especially if one (1) harry james potter is in the student body, because this snake man with no nose is coming to get him because he’s holding a ten year or so grudge that he couldn’t kill him when he wanted to. also [spoiler] plays a part in that lmao voldemort isn’t that shallow. but he is pretty shallow.

on your first day at this super cool school you put a magic talking hat on your head and it compartmentalizes you into one of four houses based on your personality, your values, and your strengths. it’s like divergent except less black and white. (and if you’ve seen/read divergent and not harry potter get your fucking priorities in order wtf???) you’ve probably heard of these houses - gryffindor, slytherin, ravenclaw, and hufflepuff - even if you know shit about harry potter because you’re friend has said to you “oh yeah i’m a hufflepuff” and you went “oh cool haha sounds fucking dumb” and unfortunately for your poor hufflepuff friend most people look down on hufflepuff. thank god that’s changing and fuck rowling for making it that way. no one has time for her silly “all slytherins are evil” narrative.

rowling-wise (hope y’all are realizing by now that i’m not her biggest fan) the houses are pretty much as one-dimensional as divergent was: gryffindor was for the big, strong, brave people; ravenclaw for the smart; slytherin for… well, evil; and everyone else gets to be a hufflepuff and get labelled as nice. nothing wrong with being nice, but if you’re just nice, you’re boring, and hey, hufflepuffs don’t deserve that. maybe it’s tweaking canon a bit, but fandom has collectively shifted away from these stereotypes and effectively (more effectively than rowling, at least) expanded on what actually makes a gryffindor a gryffindor and so forth. (also, yeah, i thought i was a hufflepuff for years before i took a good look at myself in the mirror and realized i’m a lazy piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to be in that house)

off the top of my head, hogwarts was founded by four wizards with varying levels of assholishness, and their last names are where we get the houses. each one of them basically picked the qualities they wanted to see in their students (gg : “i want the loudmouths who are brave and awesome!” rr: “i want the ones who think being smart is sexy” ss: “i want the ambitious prideful ones” and lovely helga hufflepuff was like “cool i’ll just take the rest they’re amazing too”) and so the houses were formed. things quickly unraveled after that because mr. slytherin was a racist piece of shit and he only wanted the “pure-blooded” families to send their kids to hogwarts (meaning the ones wizarding families who were all wizards) and the rest were like “wtf bro?? what about the mixed kids. or the random muggle-borns blessed with the ability to bewitch??” and salazar was like “nah i’m out goodbye fuckers i hate you all for being open-minded and shit.” so, i mean, it really doesn’t come as a surprise that slytherin gets such a bad rep considering the first ever slytherin was on the high end of the asshole spectrum. and then all that shit with the [spoiler] in chamber of secrets happened, so not only was he an asshole, but he was also fucking insane. good riddance. but the rest stayed, and they made hogwarts famous, and then they died and became ghosts to haunt the corridors of the school or whatever.

so now that your brief hogwarts, a history lesson is over, let’s talk a little more about slytherin because i feel like it! also the whole idea about all slytherins being evil, power-hungry, greedy fuckers is wrong and needs to be dispelled. yes, power does play a huge role in who a slytherin is, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a “crush everyone underneath me” kind of thing - it’s more like an ambition-driven one. sure, a lot of slytherins are bad, like, say, voldemort, who was so obsessed with power and living forever that he pretty much killed himself, with a little bit of help from our lovely hero harry. and like… i could go into detail about how horrible and abusive snape was (yes he did have a few good qualities but they certainly weren’t redeeming ones fuck off) but i’d max out the number of pages for this essay so maybe another time. if you’re a snape apologist…… well i hope you see the light soon. that’s a real stain on your person. but yeah - not every single slytherin you see is pure evil; regulus black exists (please read the books) and like. narcissa malfoy just wanted to protect her son, you know? doesn’t excuse most of the shit she did but her intentions weren’t completely “oh i want to be powerful also i’m better than everyone because i’m pureblood and you’re not haha.”

also taemin!! there’s a lovely slytherin. smart, ambitious, sweet, great smile, i’ll stop before this turns into a soft rant - taemin is textbook slytherin but surprise he isn’t in the game just so he can put other people down. and i wasn’t serious about my other if you’re blank then stop reading this but if you don’t think taemin’s a slytherin you can exit. right now. i’m serious i don’t want to be associated with y’all. AND IT’S EVEN WORSE IF YOU THINK HE’S A HUFFLEPUFF!!! you’re going to put lee “work over relationships” taemin into hufflepuff? he’s pure slytherin; he’s driven by ambition - idk if you noticed when he was talking about his budokan concerts but he mentioned how he worked so hard on it for his own sake. he wanted to prove to himself as well as others that he could pull off something so grand and incredible (and he did but once again that’s soft rant territory so i’ll pull back) and that’s slytherin. this isn’t necessarily in a bad way, but he’s so willing to throw his members under the bus for his own sake - go watch their weekly idol. THAT DOESN’T MAKE HIM EVIL LMAO a big part of being a slytherin is relationships with others!! when the worst comes to worst, loyalty is important to slytherins. it’s not one of their defining characteristics like it is for gryffindor but it’s still super important. that’s not to say he doesn’t have hufflepuff traits (y’know, working hard! being dedicated!) but those coupled with entirely slytherin motivations of proving oneself and becoming the best they can be point him towards slytherin’s direction. slytherins have a tendency of throwing everyone and everything away (including, many times, themselves) for the sake of achieving their goal and taemin is a perfect example of that. sure, he’s as sweet as a person who laughs when other people are crying can be, but that doesn’t automatically make him a hufflepuff. it’s not like everyone who isn’t a hufflepuff is mean or that every hufflepuff is a gooey pile of chocolate and sunshine.

anyway… this is about kibum…

(fun fact : the animal associated with the ravenclaw house is actually an eagle. something about soaring to new intellectual heights or something. would’ve been easier to just make it a raven because it’s not like ravens can’t fly too but whatever.)

probably one of the biggest roadblocks with sorting people into hogwarts houses is the overlap that occurs between traits of different houses. having one trait - or even a few of them - doesn’t automatically mean you fit solidly into a house, because you have to take your own ideals and values into account, as well as the way you approach things in life. it’s not to say kibum isn’t ambitious, because yeah, he is, but the way his ambition is directed towards his creative pursuits for the sake of expanding his creative intelligence is a ravenclaw thing you know?? same with jonghyun (who is also a ravenclaw) - the way he approaches all of his creative pursuits is completely in the artistic sense. jonghyun is creatively brilliant - let’s look at his radio show, or his song-writing, or his composing, or his book writing, etc. - and just because he’s a ravenclaw doesn’t mean he’s not ambitious. sure he’s ambitious but is anyone sitting here calling him a slytherin?? no, seriously - does anyone think jonghyun’s a slytherin? because i’ve never seen that. most people put him in hufflepuff and not ravenclaw… but why? is it because he’s soft? because that’s a hell of a stereotype, too, and it’s not like all ravenclaws are cold, emotionally detached bitches who only care about getting 100 percents on their quizzes.

what i’m trying to say is people can’t be categorized into boxes the way the houses were originally constructed; otherwise, most of the population would just be hufflepuffs. sorting also takes your personal wishes, your goals, what you think is important into consideration. so, yeah, if kibum really wanted he could totally be a slytherin, but it would pretty much be for the sake of being a slytherin because that cunning is not what he deems most important. let’s go back to harry potter himself - the sorting hat was really fucking ready to put him in slytherin, and as much as you can argue that it was because a piece of voldemort, of evil, was in him or whatever, you can’t deny that harry has a lot of inherently slytherin traits. he knows how to work people, he knows how to get out of tricky situations because he’s witty and yeah, cunning as hell. and yes, he asked not to be put in slytherin, but that’s mainly because he walked into hogwarts having heard nothing but stereotypes about the house (like that one line that ron said about how not everyone in slytherin was evil but how everyone evil came from slytherin, the whole square rectangle relationship). and keep in mind that he didn’t specifically ask to be put into gryffindor but that the sorting hat recognized those qualities that he also had and the fact that he valued them more as well and made the decision to sort him into gryffindor.

sorting is a tricky business, thanks to those gray areas. there are ravenclaws that could be academically behind others, but they work their asses off because they want to learn. hard work is, again, technically a hufflepuff trait but their objective, their main focus, is the learning aspect which makes them a ravenclaw! an excellent real life example would be minho, who you can argue has several gryffindor traits, like… he’s loud and i guess he’s brave and all, but hufflepuff fits him a thousand times better. the importance he places on relationships and especially loyalty is purely hufflepuff and he makes a damn good one, too. i think that’s what annoys me most about people who think taemin’s too “sweet” or “nice” to be a slytherin - i hate to break it to you, but not every slytherin is mean and selfish. they just value being at the top because they believe they deserve it, and you can’t really fault a person for that, and it doesn’t mean they think everyone else is automatically lesser, either.

i’m going to wrap this up now because i want to watch final life and i’ve also made pretty much every point i can think of right now. kibum might be out there dropping $100+ on overpriced slytherin wands and parading around in his slytherin scarf but honestly? i’m still convinced he’s a ravenclaw because it just fits him so much better. but i guess slytherin is a good second choice! he really made me angry enough to write an entire goddamn essay about this wow

[fitpaprika-blog]

Trying: Part 2

Alright, y’all. I’m over it.

Well, okay, not really. I mean that was a heavy post on Thursday, so 48 hours later, all of those feelings certainly aren’t gone. But the thing about writing for me is that it is therapeutic. Just getting those feelings out of my mind and body and out into the world helps me to process them and reflect on them in ways I can’t do through thinking or even talking.

One thing I want to say right off is that I weighed myself again on Friday because I wanted to see if that number was real or not. It wasn’t. I was down 3lbs on Friday, and I promise that I did not do anything drastic on Thursday. I ate the same types and amounts of food I usually do (though I didn’t have any “outside” food, meaning I didn’t eat food that I hadn’t bought at the grocery store and made myself). And I went to MADD-X, which I always do on Thursdays. It wasn’t even a good MADD-X for me - I struggled through it more than I had the previous Monday. So there’s no way that I actually lost 3lbs in 24 hours, which just tells me that those 7lbs weren’t real to begin with - I was bloated or something. I mean, 3lbs down still means a 4lb gain in May, if that’s even real, but this is why we can’t measure success by the scale, y’all. It fools you. Any number of things can affect that number that has nothing to do with the value that we place on that number and what we think that it means.

But I am tired of not losing any weight, I have to say. I have some thoughts and plans for this coming month. 

When I did Whole30, I was really amazed at how much eliminating grains helped me not only lose weight but feel less bloated and heavy. Since doing Whole30 nearly a year ago, I have severely limited my carbs from grains and my carb intake in general because I had learned that doing so makes me feel better. So this month, I’m going to focus on that for sure. This week, actually, we’re not planning to have any carbs from grains other than I still have oats about 2-3 times per week for breakfast. I don’t know if I can go full acai bowl every single day of my life!

I also have been a little bit more lax on added sweeteners than I usually am. I still bought a Halo Top this week, partially because I had a coupon and partially because I don’t trust myself to go cold turkey on dessert, so I’d rather have a low-cal alternative to making a mug cake or whatever. I’m hoping next week to eliminate dessert entirely, and double check everything I’m purchasing for added sweeteners. I really pride myself on not putting sugar or artificial sweeteners in my body, so I really need to get back to a certain level of strictness on that. I find it unrealistic to 100% eliminate them 100% of the time, but I try to 98% eliminate them 98% of the time, and right now I’m probably at like 80%.

And then I’m going to count calories, y’all. I know. It’s not fun. It’s not sustainable long-term. But I need to know. Like am I really going overboard? The other thing about counting calories is that it holds me accountable - no mindless snacking or eating because then I think about logging it. Either (1) thinking about logging it makes me rethink the choice of even eating it or (2) thinking about logging it makes me think about logging it - like how am I measuring this? How am I searching for this in the database? How will this fit in with my overall totals? I really don’t think I’m going overboard on my calorie intake BUT counting them will keep me accountable to the choices I’m making. And I’m not saying that I’m not going to have a cookie because that would just be a blatant lie to you all. But I’d rather be sure I am consciously thinking about that decision to have a cookie and accounting for it in my calorie count when I think about that Halo Top later that night - ya know? I wish I could say that in the six years since I started this, I no longer have to rely on counting calories to be sure I’m not going overboard and to keep myself in check - I really wish I could say that to y’all. I want to have grown enough as a person to make good decisions about food without counting it. But I’m not quite there yet. I’m almost there. I feel like I can make those decisions most of the time, especially when I’m at the grocery store or when I’m making decisions about food at home. But I am still struggling when I am out in the world, when free food just shows up at work, for example. And those are the calories I want to think about this month and count and see how they are affecting me and my body.

Finally, I am investigating therapists that focus specifically on food. I went to therapy for about a year, and I really did not feel like I got much out of it. I think it was partially due to the fact that I started going right when my life took a turning point for the better (changing jobs, getting married, etc.) and partially due to it just not being a good match between my therapist and I. She didn’t challenge me or press me on issues that she probably should have, and, if you can believe it, food almost never came up. I mean, I didn’t go to her specifically for food issues but, still, you would think that after a year, we would have talked about it a lot more than we did, those issues and also body image issues. Now that my career is sorted out, I’ve been in a secure relationship for over four years now, I love my apartment, etc. - now that everything is more or less good, I feel like food is the one area of my life where I’m still struggling. I wrote that post on Thursday, and I was so down all day about that number on the scale, which is a problem in and of itself, but then all I wanted to do in response to that number was eat, which is totally counterintuitive. I didn’t emotionally eat in response to that, but I wanted to, and that’s not an appropriate response. So I’m investigating therapists who focus specifically on these issues, and I’m going to try it out. I want to be clear that I do not think this is like the magical solution to my problems with food, and I’m very skeptical that it will help at all. I also have some concern about finding someone who will accept my insurance and also be able to meet when I can meet - that was a major struggle the first time I sought out therapy. I’ve contacted two people so far, and already one person doesn’t work with insurance companies at all, so I imagine that it will still be some time before I am able to even try this out.

Notice in that paragraph that I also mentioned body image issues. I think that’s actually where I am struggling the most at the moment. I don’t think I actually care that much about the number “240” - I mean, I do, but if the scale said 240, and I felt good about my body, I wouldn’t care nearly as much, you know? When the scale said 190 - well, that’s still a good 40-50lbs overweight, but damn, y’all, I was looking fine, and I felt good about how I looked, how clothes fit on my body, etc. The pictures from that time in my life are some of my favorites of myself. My concern is that I won’t be able to feel that way if I stay in the 230s, which, I don’t think has to be true. I think every person is capable of loving their body, regardless of what the number is, if they feel healthy and comfortable with how they are living their life. I do believe that that is possible. But I don’t really see how it is possible for me, personally. It’s not that like I hit 190 and I thought, “Ah, yes, now I am comfortable in my skin.” Ha! Not at all! No number can magically make you feel that way. It was really like how clothes fit and hung on me when I tried them on or put outfits together and it was - majorly - how I looked in pictures. Those were the indicators to me. When I stood naked in the mirror - I still wasn’t all that happy with what I saw. When I did look hot in an outfit, and people commented on it, I remember thinking, “Well, if they saw me naked, they might change their tune.” And no way would I have worn something showing a lot of skin, or, like, a bikini. Actually the first time I have worn any kind of bikini in my adult life, I weighed more than that - 225lbs or so, and I was in a high-waisted bikini. I think about that line in American Beauty when Kevin Spacey tells his neighbors that he wants to look good naked. I don’t necessarily think I have to “look good naked” in the sense that, like, Playboy would want me to pose for them. But I would like to feel good naked and think that I look good naked when I look in a mirror. I want to be able to look at my body, with all of its flaws, at any weight, and be like, “Hey, girl.” That’s my goal for my own self-esteem and body image, and that’s a major thing I want to work on in therapy. I feel like, if I can feel good in my own skin again, that would actually help with weight loss because I wouldn’t feel so focused on the outside. I wouldn’t be thinking about others’ perceptions of me as much because I would feel secure about myself.

I hope that all made sense - it’s reading a little rambling to me, but the long and short of it is that, more than I want to lose weight or work on my food issues, I want to improve my mental picture of myself. And I think improving that mental picture will only help the physical, outward appearance improve, as well.

One thing I did not mention in Thursday’s blog post and also haven’t really been instagramming is that I have started to add steps to achieve my New Year’s resolutions goals to my daily routine. My goals included writing more, learning to meditate, improving my sleeping, and reading more.

I downloaded a meditation app, and have tried to commit myself to meditating for five minutes every morning, working up to ten minutes. So far, it has not really been going well, and I knew it would be challenging! I am super bad at doing nothing. But meditation is supposed to help with sleep, anxiety, depression, etc. so I am going to continue to try to do it.

To write more, I’ve been getting up at 5:00am on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is the same time I get up on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to go to the gym. I think from my blog post, it is pretty obvious that that is going well - that is how I was able to post to my blog on Thursday when I had not in so long. On Tuesday I wrote in my journal. I’m enjoying having this early morning time when no one else is awake, even my dog is sleeping, to devote an hour to writing. I usually can also count on that on the weekends, so it’s really just MWF that I haven’t been able to fit it in yet, and I’m going to work my way toward writing for an hour everyday. But, still, an hour four days per week is still better than the nothing that I was doing before.

For reading, I’m trying to start reading at work for a little bit each day, either before I get going in the morning or during lunch, depending on the day. Even though I started adding all of these elements to my routine this past week, I haven’t quite got the reading at work thing fit into it just yet. One way I have increased my reading is that I’ve been reading a couple of chapters of a book before bedtime - which leads me to improving my sleep.

I read a few articles about this, and there are a couple of things I am implementing. One is the meditation. But another thing, which is probably the most crucial, is reducing my screen time at least 30 minutes and up to an hour before bed. My natural routine has been to lay in bed staring at my phone for that amount of time until my husband came in and reminded me to put it away and go to sleep - I know, very juvenile. I get drawn into that thing, looking at instagram, tumblr, and Facebook! So I’ve started trying to set it aside at least 30 minutes before bed, and my Fitbit said that the amount of time I slept increased by ten minutes each night until I was meeting my goal of 7.5 hours of sleep and reducing my minutes awake in the middle of the night! I’m pretty proud of myself for that. In place of the phone has been reading, which is great since it is also helping me achieve that goal. Other habits that can help improve sleep include not exercising or eating too close to bedtime and not drinking caffeine too close to bedtime. I only drink caffeine first thing in the morning, so I’ve got that down, but it isn’t always possible for me to stop exercising or eating 2-3 hours prior to bedtime. I usually finish dinner by 7:00pm, which is two hours prior to bedtime, but my dance classes are anywhere from 7pm to 9pm, so it is just never going to happen with exercise. I’ve got to work on all of these other sleep things and hope they help enough to cancel out that evening exercise!

You can see that all of these other goals I’ve started working on are also related to my health in some way, even though they are not based in nutrition or fitness. But my husband recently read an article that stated that sleep is a huge aid in weight loss, for example, so definitely it can only help with my other goals, not to mention my mental health. No matter how I am feeling or what the scale says, I can confidently say that each day I am taking steps to improve my overall health and wellness. I don’t think anyone can ask much more of me than that, and I certainly should not be asking myself for more than that.

Am I trying hard enough?

I want to come back to this question to conclude. On the one hand, I do not want to be too hard on myself. I only have this one life, this one body, and I need to treat both of those with respect. On the other hand, I do want to be sure that I am putting in effort to improve both my life and my body and not taking anything for granted. So the question is how do I define “enough” and to which time period am I referring? Really, I think I need to think about this question each day. On Thursday, I can tell y’all - I tried hard enough. After stepping on that scale and then publishing that emotional blog post, I committed myself to that day. When I was in the break room, there were crackers leftover from an event, and a foodie coworker said how good they were, but I resisted. I was very tired after work and still feeling down from the morning, but I went to MADD-X and did the best I could. I tried hard enough on Thursday. On Friday? Maybe I did not give it my all. I went to the gym, but my mind wasn’t in a good spot during work. I did research therapists and emailed two of them, but I also goofed off a lot when I should have been working on a project. I made a grocery list and stuck to it, but I wasn’t a very kind wife to my husband while we shopped. And we had Chinese food for dinner, which is something we do about once per month - visit our favorite Chinese restaurant. So on Friday, maybe I didn’t try hard enough in terms of my health. That’s okay - as long as everyday isn’t like that. As long as more days are like Thursday than they are like Friday. This is an ongoing journey, and it is important to remember that, just because I didn’t give my health my all on Friday, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do it today or that I was a failure yesterday.

Each day I learn. Each day I grow. Some days I go backwards. Most days I go forward.

Am I trying hard enough?

The bottom line is - I’m trying.