#okay complaining over let's just imagine that i get a soon appointment with the doctor

[trebeksfault]

i love my body i love ehlers danlos..........

[like-a-bag-of-potatoes]

Playing With Fire - Mrs. Andrews

A/N: So this is my first crack at Chicago fire fanfiction, so don't judge too hard, alright? This will unfold from the beginning of season three, so if you haven't watched it yet, but plan to; SPOILER ALERT! I tried to follow along with the storyline of the show, but some things have been changed. Shout out to my superawesome beta @thorne93, you rock! 

A/N 2: Just one more part after this, guys. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this, been patient with my very flimsy posting schedule, and to those who has showed me love throughout this series. You are all AMAZING!

Fandom: Chicago Fire

Pairing: Kelly Severide x Beth (OFC) 

Warnings: None I think

Wordcount: 2225

MASTERLIST

A million thanks to @campingmonkey​ for making this GIF for me on request. You’re the best!

Kelly didn't really understand what was happening when his alarm went off at 4am. He was ready to roll around and continue his sleep when he remembered why he had set his alarm in the first place. He basically rolled himself off the couch with a groan and padded his way to Beth's room. 

Nightmares plagued Beth's sleep. Over and over again she saw that car coming towards her in slow motion. A loud crash, followed by Alex running away, and then she was all alone. No help ever came. When Kelly gently nudged her arm, she jerked awake.

“Sorry,” he whispered as Beth sat up in her bed. 

“No, it's okay,” she said, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. 

Kelly sat on the edge of her bed, concern etched into his handsome face as he placed a hand on her knee. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. I'm fine. Just a bad dream.” 

“Want to talk about it?” he asked. 

"I don't remember what it was,” she lied. 

“Alright.” He gave her knee a firm squeeze. “Try and get some more rest. I'm right in there if you need me,” he reminded as he got to his feet again. He was just about to go back to the living room when a small, gentle hand closed around his wrist. He looked down to where their hands connected before he let his eyes meet hers. 

It took a second for her to find her voice. “Can you stay here with me?” 

She sounded so vulnerable, so broken, that Kelly was powerless to deny her anything. He nodded his head without saying a word and Beth moved over to make room for him before he climbed in. Neither of them spoke as Beth reached down and laced their fingers together, resting her head on his shoulder. Kelly kissed her hair and whispered a goodnight, and before long, Beth had drifted off to sleep again. Kelly on the other hand, didn't want to sleep right away, he wanted to stay awake a little and just enjoy the moment. It was nice to have her so close again, to feel her hand in his as he listened to her heavy, sleep filled breaths. Yes, he definitely needed to savor this moment for as long as he possibly could. 

Beth woke up alone the next morning. Kelly had woken up at eight that morning, but he didn't have the heart to wake her up, so he had let her sleep. It was nearly an hour later when Beth came padding into the kitchen, her hair sticking out to all odds and end, her eyes still filled with sleep. 

“Morning,” Kelly greeted, flashing her that charming smile of his. One thing he had learned about her was that she wasn't human until she had her morning coffee, so as soon as he saw her, he started getting a cup ready for her. 

“Morning,” she greeted back, sending him a smile as he handed her the mug. She took a deep breath before she spoke. “Thank you for staying with me,” she said softly. 

“Don't mention it,” he said kindly as they both took a seat at her table. “You remember what you were dreaming?” 

“Just the accident,” she said, not looking up at him. “Apparently my brain thought it would be fun to play it on a loop in slow motion.” 

“Are you okay?” he asked again, worrying his brows. 

“I promise.” 

“Can I ask you something?” he asked tentatively and Beth answered with a nod. “You said you’re claustrophobic,” he started. 

“Mhm..” 

“Does that have anything to do with why you left NYFD?” 

Beth sighed and put her cup on the table. “It was a building collapse,” she started. “My partner and I got trapped with a patient we were trying to save. The patient died on impact, and my partner was badly injured. We were stuck there for nearly eleven hours,” she said with pain in her voice. 

“I'm sorry, Beth,” he said, reaching out to give her hand a comforting squeeze. “How’s your partner?” 

“He didn't make it.” A tear fell from her eye and she wiped it away. “My leg was pinned under some rubble and I couldn't get to him. So I just had to sit there and watch him die,” she sniffled at the memory. 

Kelly got up from his seat and rounded the table, crouching down in front of her. It wasn't hard to understand why she had reacted the way she did when she got pinned in that car. He didn't know what to say to her, so he just reached up and cupped her cheek. 

She melted into his touch, taking the comfort it provided. “I tried to go back after my leg had healed up, but I couldn't do the job anymore. Claustrophobia and panic attacks don't really go hand in hand with being a paramedic.” 

“But it's getting better?” he wondered. 

“Yeah, I'm getting there. I guess being stuck in that car- just a little too familiar I guess.” 

Kelly didn't quite know what else to say, so he opted to give her a hug instead, trying to provide her with a little comfort. He knew as well as anyone what this job could be like, and he had seen how it could change people. The fact that Beth had left it behind after her injuries didn't make him think any less of her, to the contrary. It took strength to walk away from something you loved, to admit that it might have changed for you.

Beth sniffled into his shoulder, appreciating the gesture. She was about to say something more to him, but before she could, a knock on the door interrupted her, and pulled them apart. 

“It's probably just Gabby checking in,” she said as she got to her feet. “You mind? I'm gonna go put some pants on.” 

Kelly just nodded and went to open the door. He was expecting Gabby, or anyone else from 51, but he didn't recognise the woman on the other side of the door. 

“Who are you?” she asked in a demanding tone. 

Beth froze as she heard the familiar voice, instantly turning on her heel to go save Kelly. 

“Mom! What are you doing here?” 

She didn't answer, just looked Beth up and down with a disapproving look on her face while Kelly seemed as though he was a deer stuck in headlights. 

“You know why I'm here,” mom countered, “You gonna let me in?” 

‘No’ Beth thought to herself, but Kelly stepped aside to let the woman in. She pushed past them both, leaving her luggage in the hallway. Beth grabbed the suitcase and wheeled it inside before following her mom. 

“It's smaller than I imagined,” she criticised as she looked around the apartment. When her eyes landed on her daughter, her hard features softened and she reached out to give Beth a hug. “I was so worried about you.” 

Kelly came up to introduce himself. “It's nice to meet you Mrs. Andrews,” he said politely. 

“So you’re Beth's friend?” she quizzed, actually making quotation marks around the word friend. 

“Oh my god,” Beth exclaimed, hiding her face in her hands. “He's just a friend,” she pressed, pointing to the couch that was still made up. 

“You always walk around half naked when you have friends over?” 

“I just got out of bed, mom. And I've definitely not had enough coffee for this,” she added that last part under her breath. 

“Have you eaten yet, or should I make something for you real quick?” She was already heading for the fridge. 

And just like that Beth felt like she was fourteen years old again. “I don't have time for food mom, I have an appointment at the hospital.” 

“Oh good. I wanted to talk to your doctor,” she chirped. 

“No, mom. You don't have to come. Kelly is gonna give me a lift.” 

“Nonsense. I'm here now. There's no need to put him out anymore,” Mrs. Andrews said sweetly, sending Kelly a tightlipped smile. 

“No one is putting me out,” Kelly said politely. “I don't mind taking you both if that's alright?” he offered. 

“Excuse us for a moment,” Beth said, taking Kelly by the arm and dragging him away. “I am so sorry about this,” she said with wide eyes. “I really didn't think she would just show up like this.” 

“It's okay,” Kelly said with a chuckle. 

“You should just go. Save yourself,” she suggested. 

“I'm a big boy, Beth. I can take it,” he noted. “Besides, how bad can she be?” 

“You’re gonna regret those words, Lieutenant.” 

***

At least there weren't any awkward silences with Beth's mom around. There was a constant flow of words coming out of her mouth. Everything from complaining about the cold Chicago winter, to gossiping about neighbours back in New York, to bragging about Beth's brothers and their recent accomplishments. By the time Kelly pulled his car up to Beth's apartment, his ears were practically bleeding, and he was definitely excited about dropping them off. Beth on the other hand, was so embarrassed that she didn't have words. 

She gave her mom the keys to her apartment and told her she'd be right in. 

“Bet you regret not bailing when you had the chance,” Beth noted as soon as mom had disappeared through the front door. 

“Just a tad,” he chuckled. 

“I'm really sorry about all this. Is there any way I can make it up to you?” 

He just shrugged it off. “So, what are your plans now that you have a clean bill of health?” he wondered, sticking his hands in his pockets. 

“I don't know. Guess I have to ask my mom,” she joked, making Kelly laugh. Just then, Mrs Andrews stuck her head out the door and yelled something about them catching the flu if they stayed out there in the cold. Beth rolled her eyes and said she'd be right in. “You and Gabby be careful today, alright?” Kelly just bobbed his head. “I hope you find some answers.” 

“Me too.” He closed the gap between them and placed a chaste kiss to her forehead before he started making his way around the car again. 

“I'm here if you want to talk,” she called out just as he was about to get in. 

“I'll keep that in mind,” he said with a smile. And with that he got back in his car and drove away. 

Beth watched him until he turned the corner and then she took a deep breath to gather some strength before she headed back inside. 

***

The next day was unbelievably cold, to the point that Chicago had issued a state of weather emergency and urged everyone to stay inside. Kelly tried to get out of his car, but didn't get very far before he sat back in and closed the door. He looked around for anything he could use to shield him from the cold during the short walk from his car and to the firehouse. A sweatshirt lay in the back seat, so he threw it on like a scarf and ran inside. 

“Wow!” he exclaimed as he came through the door and almost ran into Tony. 

“Pretty brutal out there today,” Tony noted. 

“Yeah. I just saw a penguin. Crying,” Kelly joked. 

Because of the weather emergency, everyone at the station knew that it was going to be a busy day. To top it all off, radio communication was down and the ambulance had starting issues. Kelly was in a good mood though. They had finally learned the truth about Shay’s death, and he really felt like that brought a little closure. His already good mood improved as Beth came through the door, carrying two full grocery bags. 

Dawson greeted her first, taking one of the bags off of her hands. “What are you doing here? Didn't you catch the part about staying home?” 

“I heard something about that on the radio on my way here. About the same time as I passed a crying penguin,” she joked. 

Gabby looked from Beth to Kelly, chuckling as she shook her head. “Peas in a pod,” she muttered under her breath. 

Beth turned to Kelly with a confused look on her face. “I made that same joke not ten minutes ago,” he explained, taking the other bag from her hands. “What are you doing here?” 

“To make soup… and get away from my mom. Figured you'd all be pretty busy today, and cold, so.” 

“I'm sure everyone will appreciate it,” he noted as they made their way to the kitchen. “How long is she staying?” 

“I have no clue,” Beth said with a deep sigh. “She doesn't have a return flight and she keeps changing the subject everytime I ask. I hope soon though. She's taken over my entire apartment… even rearranged my cupboards - twice.” 

“Wow.” 

“Right!? I literally snuck out while she was in the shower.” 

“And how many times has she called since then?” 

“Just four. I call that improvement.” 

Gabby came rushing through the doors, panic written all over her face, a small baby in her arms. “Someone just left her under the Safe Haven sign,” she breathed out. 

“What?” Beth exclaimed as she hurried over. “People actually do that?” 

Tags: @campingmonkey @deansgirl215 @thevelvetseries @graniairish

[riversofmars]

OR Thirteen wants to marry River - her previous self did the marrying but thirteen wants to do it herself thd proper way so travels to ask the ponds permission for their daughters hand in marriage ❤️

Thank you for a brilliant prompt! It got a little out of hand but what else is new lol. River is finally getting the wedding she deserves. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ship: River/Thirteen

Rating: G

Word count: 4500

The Wedding of River Song

“So where are we going?“ River followed the Doctor around the TARDIS console as she was setting coordinates.

“Wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you.“ The Doctor grinned and pulled the lever to set them going.

“Well, will you at least tell me how to dress?“ River pouted crossing her arms in front of her chest. Her wife usually gave her some indication as to what sort of outfit would be suitable. Turning up to a safari in an evening gown was a mistake she intended to only make once. Today, for Valentine’s Day, however, the Doctor was being very secretive indeed.

“Don’t worry about that, got that covered as well…“ The Doctor winked and River sighed:

“Sweetie…“

“Just trust me, okay? It’s not quite time for our date yet. We need to make a quick couple of stops.“ The Doctor revealed as the TARDIS landed.

“It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re telling me you’ve got some other engagements before our date?“ River retorted trying her best not to show her annoyance too much.

“Yeah. Sort of.“ The Doctor scratched the back of her head, feeling a little nervous.

“Do you see how that doesn’t exactly thrill me?“ River raised her eyebrows with a sigh. The Doctor had never been particularly good at doing romance. She had gotten a little better since she had turned into a woman. She had, after all, made the effort to save River from the Library and reunite them in linear time but romance still wasn’t her strong suit.

“Well, yes but it’s not like you’ll be waiting in the TARDIS while I arrange things… plus, you’ll have company, don’t worry, you’ll have a good time!“ The Doctor grinned at her with excitement. She was bursting to tell her what she had planned but then, it wouldn’t be a surprise. After all this time, after everything they’d been through, she deserved something special and she was determined to give it to her. She was not about to ruined it when she had gone through so much effort to make today happen.

“Doctor…“ River groaned in annoyance, all she wanted to do was go for a candle light dinner. Was that really too much to ask?

“You trust me right.“ The Doctor stepped up to her wife and took her hands in hers.

“Unfortunately.“ River rolled her eyes.

“And you love me?“ The Doctor continued, her expression hopeful.

“I’m afraid so.“ River gave her a half-smile. She just couldn’t stay angry with her for long.

“Then do this for me, for Valantine’s, trust me that I’ve got something brilliant planned, just need to sort a few things out, okay?“ The Doctor smiled pressing a kiss to the top of her hands.

“You literally have a time machine, you could have sorted all of this out before now.“ River chuckled shaking her head at her. Why was she in love with such a chaotic idiot?

“Not really, it’s complicated, you’ll see. But there is something I need you to do as well, come on.“ The Doctor pulled her along to the door.

“You are making even less sense than usual, Sweetie.“ River huffed as she followed reluctantly. They stepped out of the TARDIS and found themselves in the front room of 13 Paternoster Row in 19th century London.

“Madame Vastra?“ River looked around confused as she spotted the mistress of the house head towards her with a smile. “Jenny?“ Vastra was accompanied by her wife and maid Jenny Flint who gave them a big smile as well. They had clearly been waiting for them.

“You’re a bit late, Doctor, we’ll have to rush to make the appointment.“ Vastra scolded but not unkindly.

“Sorry, it wasn’t easy to convince her.“ The Doctor smiled apologetically.

“Appointment. What…“ River looked from Vastra to the Doctor and back again. What was going on?

“Don’t worry, Professor, we will have a wonderful time, champagne?“ Vastra offered as Jenny went to the drinks cabinet and poured three glasses.

“Well, don’t mind if I do.“ River wasn’t one to refuse a glass of champagne but she was still confused as to what was going on. “Will someone tell me what’s going on here?“ She asked as she took the glass offered to her.

“Absolutely not.“ The Doctor grinned. “I’ll see you shortly.“ She kissed her wife’s cheek and before River could argue she skipped back into the TARDIS and threw the door shut.

“I feel like I’m missing something.“ River shook her head a little to herself as she watched the TARDIS disappear.  

“Thus is the nature of surprises, Professor, but you will figure it out soon enough, I’m sure.“ Vastra smiled and took a sip of her champagne as well. “Strax, bring the carriage round, we must get going.“

——

“Is that…“ Amy stuck her head out of the kitchen. Was she imagining the wheezing and groaning noise that seemed to be coming from outside or could it be that finally, the Doctor was returning after faking his death? Rory had already walked up to the window and pushed the curtains outside to look out into the garden.

“I think it is!“ Rory looked around to her and a wide grin spread across Amy’s face.

“What are you waiting for?“ She pulled her shoes on quickly. “Come on!“ They rushed outside to find the TARDIS in their backyard.

“A whole year, Doctor…“ Amy called out when the door opened. “What…“ She lost her train of thought when she laid eyes on the blonde woman that stepped out of the blue box. Who was she? Had they been replaced?

“Ah yes, sorry, new face!“ The Doctor grinned when she realised why she was looking at her all confused. “Come here Amelia.“ Without waiting for a response she pulled Amy into a hug. “And Rory the Roman!“ She grabbed Rory by the jumper and pulled him in as well. The Ponds were too perplexed to protest.

“I… don’t understand.“ Amy looked the Doctor up and down when she pulled away. They had seen River regenerate so they knew it was very much possible, but this was a lot to take in.

“Yeah, sorry, this bit is going to be a bit complicated…“ The Doctor gave an awkward grin.

“River said you were alive, she didn’t mention you had… changed…“ Rory said trying his best to work through his shock.

“I haven’t yet, not for you, well technically… it’s complicated. You’ll see me again, the old me, about a year from now and you can’t tell him you’ve met me. Sorry. It’s just… in my time, where you are now, I can’t get to you, so I had to come to a time where I knew I wouldn’t run into myself and… I’m rambling, aren’t I, sorry, I… I’ve missed you both so much.“ The Doctor pulled them into another hug. She couldn’t put into words how much she had missed the two of them. Losing them in Manhattan had been one of the most painful experiences of her life. She knew she shouldn’t be going back in her timeline like this but she knew the Ponds wouldn’t be seeing her previous self for a while yet, the risk was relatively low. Also, there was no way she could do today without them.

“You really are… the Doctor?“ Amy grinned as the truth sank in.

“Yeah… very distant future but that doesn’t matter right now…“ The Doctor nodded.

“Have you finally, in the very distant future, realised it wasn’t very nice to keep us in the dark and waiting for so long? You better be taking us on an adventure, Doctor!“ Amy exclaimed having got over her shock. She gave her arm a playful slap.

“Yes, I am, sort of…“ The Doctor chuckled.

“Great! I’ll just grab our coats.“ Rory grinned making his way back to the house.

“But only if they’re fancy coats, you’re going to a wedding.“ The Doctor called out, stopping him in his tracks halfway down the garden path.

“Sorry, what?“ Amy didn’t know if she had heard her right and Rory came back.

“A wedding.“ The Doctor repeated. “My wedding, actually. To your daughter. She doesn’t know about it yet but… anyway, Mr Pond, how would you feel about me marrying your daughter? Again. Properly. I mean, that’s what you’re meant to do, right? According to Earth tradition, ask the father of the bride first?“ She grinned at Rory who looked back at her dumbfounded.

“I uh…“

“Okay, I’ll take that as a maybe… Amy?“ The Doctor looked to Amy hopefully who was as perplexed as her husband.

“Hang on… did you just say you want to marry River again?“ She asked, needing to confirm she was getting this right.

“Yes. Wasn’t exactly a dream wedding, was it, on top of that pyramid, in an aborted timeline and all that. River has never complained but… I did ask her a while back if she’d want to do it again, properly and she said yes, so… I mean, I didn’t exactly look my best on the day and look at me now.“ The Doctor grinned tossing her blonde hair in amusement.

“But you’re not wearing that, are you?“ Amy looked her up and down.

“What?“ The Doctor looked down herself.

“You look like you got that charming combo from a charity shop.“ Amy couldn’t help but point out.

“Well, I did.“ The Doctor retorted, she didn’t really see what was wrong with her outfit but she had anticipated this problem. “Well, I do have a suit in the TARDIS.“ She revealed. “You still haven’t said yes yet, either of you.“ She put her hands on her hips expectantly, looking back and for between her in-laws.

“Well, of course you can, you moron, let us get our Sunday best and let’s get going!“ A wide grin spread across Amy’s face. She was going to see her daughter get married!

——

“Where are we going?“ River looked out of the carriage window.

“To get you a dress of course.“ Jenny grinned with excitement.

“Well, I do have plenty of dresses, she needn’t have gone through all this trouble.“ River chuckled. “But I must admit, this is fun.“ It had been a long time since she had seen the Silurian detective and her wife, they were wonderful company.

“You haven’t got a dress like this.“ Vastra smirked and the carriage came to a halt.

“You haven’t seen the size of my wardrobe.“ River grinned but obliged and followed them out of the carriage. She nearly tripped over when her eyes fell on the shop they had stopped in front of.

“Is the penny dropping, Professor?“ Vastra laughed at the look on River’s face as they found themselves in front of a bridal store.

“You can’t be serious. She can’t be serious.“ River shook her head to herself, she couldn’t believe it. Her hearts jumped into her throat and she had to force herself to take a deep breath to calm herself. She hoped she wasn’t jumping to the wrong conclusions but how could she be?

“From what the Doctor said you have waited an awfully long time for this. Some things should be done the proper way.“ Vastra revealed confirming her assumptions. She took the professor’s hand to reassure her.

“Let’s get you a wedding dress.“ Jenny grinned and took her other hand as they walked her up to the door.

“I think I’d better, hadn’t I…“ River breathed, trying her best to keep her emotions in check.

——

“Alright, let’s get the flower arrangements done, come on people, chop chop!“ Nardole clapped his hands together.

“Who put him in charge?“ Heather mumbled and Bill laughed.

“I think it’s cause he used to work here once…“ She replied fastening the last garland of white flowers to the balustrade of the balcony.

“Just can’t get the staff these days.“ Nardole huffed carrying on with his mission to make sure everything was just right.

“Maybe that’s cause we’re not staff but the Doctor’s friends and guests?“ Clara offered ushering the next load of guests in. The guest list the Doctor had provided was quite the challenge to accomplish but what good was having a time ship if not to get your best friend’s friends together from all over time and space.

“You just see to it that you get everyone here on time.“ Nardole jabbed his finger at her making her laugh. Despite the stress of organising it all, there was a buzz of excitement in the air. Clara’s heart lifted for seeing so many familiar faces. She had seen so much of the Doctor’s past when she had been inside their time stream and she knew how important each and everyone of these people where to them.

“I think we’ve got everyone now.“ Me pointed out looking around. “A few more TARDISes wouldn’t have gone amiss though. Did we miss anyone?“ She looked to Clara who checked the guest list.

“No, I think now there is just one trip to Victorian London to do.“ She grinned. “Time to get changed!“

“This place is beautiful.“ Kate Stewart observed stepping onto the balcony accompanied by Osgood. Everyone was having a good look around before the ceremony started and the view from the balcony really was quite something.

“What is that music?“ Martha asked as she leaned onto the balustrade, marvelling at the twin towers in the distance. A mild breeze carried a melody with it leaving them in awe. The sun was just settling in the distance.

“Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure.“ Everybody looked around to see the Doctor stepping out of her TARDIS. She was wearing a black tuxedo and bow tie, her expression was one of unadulterated joy as she beamed at the sight of all her friends gathered.

“Doctor!“ Bill exclaimed in excitement.

“Wow, that’s not what I expected.“ Martha was dumbfounded. Clara had told them the Doctor had changed faces but that was quite the change indeed.

“Is the tux too much?“ The Doctor asked, feeling insecure for a moment at everyone’s gaping expressions.

“No, it’s just right.“ Amy reassured her as her and Rory urged her to keep going.

“Is everybody here?“ The Doctor asked slowly as she looked around. She felt a little overwhelmed seeing everyone. So many friends that she hadn’t seen in such a long time and yet they had all wanted to come. She couldn’t express how grateful she was to all of them.

“I think we’re just waiting for the bride now.“ Tasha Lem spoke up. “How about everybody has a seat?“ She gestured to the rows of chairs to either side of the aisle.

“I best be on my way then.“ Clara grinned. “You don’t mind if we take your TARDIS, do you? Less bulky than the diner.“

“Sure, yes of course.“ The Doctor nodded with a smile as the TARDIS hummed in agreement. She couldn’t very well deny the Old Girl when River was her child in a way, too. Slowly, the Doctor walked to the front as Clara disappeared with her TARDIS. Her nerves were catching up with her now as she found herself the centre of attention. Tasha gave her an encouraging smile as the Doctor came to a halt in front of her.

“Are you quite alright, Doctor.“ She asked tilting her head a little and the Doctor forced a smile. This was a whole lot more nerve wracking than she had imagined. It had all sounded like such a great idea at the time.

“You’re not nervous are you?“ Jack teased leaning forward in his chair.

“No. I’m not nervous. Why would I be nervous. Not the first time I’m getting married, is it. This is perfectly fine, no big deal…“ The Doctor huffed trying to gather herself as she grasped her hands together in front of her to keep them still.

“Would you look at that, the Oncoming Storm, trembling in the evening breeze.“ Jack smirked.

“I’d like to see you do this.“ The Doctor shot him a glare.

“Maybe you will, one day.“ Jack laughed putting his arm around Ianto who was sitting next to him. “Or maybe you won’t, seeing as you didn’t pick me for best man…“ He feigned hurt. “Who is your best man anyway?“ He asked looking around. The Doctor was looking rather lonely standing at the front with just Tasha to officiate.

“Best lady, thank you very much.“ Missy walked along the side of the chairs towards the front checking her hair in a pocket mirror. Kate and Osgood exchanged concerned looks, Bill huffed:

“Who invited you?“

“Why, the Doctor of course.“ Missy smirked as she made her way to the front.

“Who’s that?“ Yaz asked leaning forward in her chair, sitting just behind Bill and Heather.

“That’s the Master, the Doctor’s oldest… I don’t even know what anymore…“ Bill replied. She couldn’t believe she was here and that the Doctor would actually have invited her.

“That’s not the Master…“ Graham looked on in confusion.

“Probably a younger version of the Master that you know.“ Kate explained and Ryan asked:

“What would make her invite her, she’s like her worst enemy.“

“Or oldest friend… It’s… complicated.“ Bill thought back to the time she had spent with the Doctor while he had tried to help Missy change. She couldn’t presume to understand the relationship between the Doctor and the Master. She hadn’t then and she didn’t now. But she trusted the Doctor and if she had invited her, she had done so with good reason.

“You made it.“ The Doctor stated as Missy came to a halt in front of her. She tried her best to ignore the concerned whispers amongst her friends. She had had to invite her. Things were complicated to say the least but she couldn't do this without her oldest friend. Things had gone too far with the Master she had last seen, she couldn’t forgive him, but with Missy… it had been the closest she had felt to the Master in millennia.

“Evidently.“ Missy hummed. “Well, I could hardly refuse my oldest friend.“ She looked her up and down. “You are old. Where am I in your time?“ She tilted her head, she could tell this Doctor was a whole lot older than the one she had last encountered on Skaro.

“That’s not important. I’m glad you came.“ The Doctor smiled, she didn’t want to dwell on what was yet to come for her, she just wanted to be happy for her being here.

“I wouldn’t miss the wedding of my best enemy, now, would I.“ Missy smirked as she looked at all the guest gathered on the balcony. Quite a few of them she remembered and was disappointed to find alive still. “But where is the bride?“

As if on cue, the TARDIS materialised at the far end of the aisle and the Doctor’s hearts nearly skipped their beats. The door opened and the Doctor let go the breath she was holding. It was Clara.

“No peeking, Doctor, I just need your in-laws.“ Clara grinned as she waved for the Ponds to go in while she went looking for her seat along with Vastra, Jenny and Strax.

“Clara, dear, don’t you look ravishing.“ Missy winked at Clara who turned a little pink but squared her jaw as she dropped into her seat next to Me. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the Master being here but it was the Doctor’s decision after all. The Ponds meanwhile disappeared into the TARDIS.

——

“I was gonna be cool and now I’m gonna cry.“ Rory took a deep breath, he had not been prepared for seeing his daughter in a wedding dress. They might not have been a traditional family but no matter what, she would always be his little girl, and this hit home. River was wearing a beautiful long wedding dress and her hair was pinned back with white flowers in it.

“And I thought I was going to be a mess.“ River chuckled and pulled her parents into her arms.

“Are you okay?“ Amy asked softly as they let go. She took River’s face in her hands, searching her eyes for an honest answer.

“I think so.“ River took a deep breath trying to compose herself. She couldn’t put into words how happy she was to see her parents again and how grateful she was to have them here now. It seemed as though the Doctor had put a lot of thought into planning this. The reality of it had yet to sink in. She couldn’t allow herself to think about it too much, she was worried that if she did, she would cry and ruin her make up.

“You’re not nervous are you?“ Amy chuckled.

“Where you in on all this?“ River asked, trying to wrap her head around it all.

“No, the Doctor only just picked us up! We will have to go back to our life to travel with her younger self again after this but… We wouldn’t miss this for anything in the universe.“ Amy kissed the top of her daughter’s head and gave her an encouraging smile.

“I am so glad you’re here.“ River smiled, her voice faltering just enough to betray the depth of her emotions. “So what do you think?“ She tried to play it off and took a twirl in her elegant white gown.

“Absolutely beautiful.“ Amy smiled, every inch the proud mother of the bride.  

——

“Right okay, stay cool…“ The Doctor mumbled to herself taking a deep breath.

“You’ve never been cool.“ Missy teased and the Doctor groaned in annoyance:

“Fuck off, Missy…“

“Swearing now, too, Doctor? Things have changed, I’ll say.“ Missy chuckled, delighting in the Doctor’s obvious tension.

“I’m fully expecting you to have come with some evil ploy to ruin the day… but I’m still glad you came.“ The Doctor looked to Missy hoping she understood why she had asked her here.

“Well, if I hadn’t, who would have brought you these?“ Missy sighed as she pulled out a small box. She opened it to reveal two pale wedding bands.

“That’s…“ The Doctor’s eyes widened in shocked but Missy didn’t allow her to dwell on it and get overcome by emotion.

“Dark star alloy… beats whatever pathetic excuse for wedding rings you’d planned on.“ She waved dismissively. “I mean, I only met the Professor once that time in prison but I have an eye for these things… not sure yours will fit now though, you’re much smaller than I remember.“ She grabbed the Doctor’s hand to look at her fingers.

“I’m not small! Look who’s talking.“ The Doctor huffed, she was still taller than her. “Oi!“ She pulled her hand back.

“Be back in a minute.“ Missy winked and hit the button on her vortex manipulator, disappearing into thin air.

“I swear this place must be giving off the biggest concentration of space time anomalies this side of the known universe…“ Kate shook her head to herself.

“There we are.“ Missy reappeared only seconds later. “Don’t look at me like that, what’s time travel good for if you can’t even get your best friend’s wedding ring resized.“ She smirked as she checked the rings again.

“Thank you, Missy.“ The Doctor gave her a soft smile and reached out to give her hand a squeeze. She didn’t have the words to say how much this meant to her, she could only hope she knew. Missy didn’t respond at first, she didn’t seem to know what to say, perhaps, just for a moment, she was overcome with emotion herself, so she pulled something else from her pocket to move the conversation along.

“Got you this as well, you wanted to do this properly, didn’t you.“ She handed over a scarlet ceremonial scarf to Tasha. High Gallifreyan symbols were embroiled on it in golden cross-stitch.

“That’s from home.“ The Doctor realised it was the sort of scarf used to officiate weddings on Gallifrey. With the planet destroyed she hadn’t thought it possible to find one.

“Your keen observational skills amaze me.“ Missy tried her best with a sarcastic quip but she couldn’t quite deliver it under the circumstances. “Only borrowed though, who knows, maybe I’ll want to get married one day.“ She shrugged and went to check her appearance in her pocket mirror again, ensuring she wasn’t showing any undo emotions. The Doctor, in turn, swallowed her emotions as well, they both knew how much this meant to either of them, it didn’t need saying.

“Old and burrowed.“ The Doctor smiled nodding at the ceremonial scarf. “And something new.“ She pointed to the rings in her hand and then turned her attention to the TARDIS.

“And something blue.“ Missy smiled and gave the Doctor’s hand a squeeze, allowing herself one brief moment of letting her guard down.

——

“Right, I better go and sit down. Let the father of the bride do the walking.“ Amy took a deep breath. “Do not stumble and embarrass your daughter.“ She jabbed her finger at Rory who straightened his tie.

“You just had to say that, didn’t you, now I’ll be watching my feet the whole time.“ He huffed and River chuckled.

“How about you watch out for me instead, Dad, hm?“ She looped her arm around his.

“I think I can manage that.“ Rory smiled and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. The TARDIS wheezed and hummed behind them, drawing their attention to the console. There was a bouquet of exotic flowers sat on top of it.

“She’s really thought of everything, hasn’t she…“ River said softly as Amy fetched the flowers for her and handed them over. “I can’t believe she managed to do all this and keep it from me…“

“I think she’s had a lot more help than she would admit.“ Rory chuckled as Amy left the TARDIS. “Can’t pull off a Valentine’s surprise like this without accomplices.“ He smiled to his daughter who took another deep breath struggling for composure. “Ready?“ He asked.

“Ready.“ River smiled.

——

“Try not to cry, that would be so undignified.“ Missy mumbled to the Doctor but she never even took her words in. The moment River stepped out of the TARDIS, time itself seemed to grind to a halt, at least for the Doctor. The last rays of the slow Darllian sunset caught in River’s curls and the singing of the towers seemed to pick up with the light breeze. Their eyes met down the aisle and both the Doctor and River Song smiled, they didn’t need words, they both understood. An impossibly journey had brought them to this moment, surrounded by friends and family, a moment of pure joy and love that radiated through all of time and space. The Doctor thought of the towers as she listened to their enchanting melody. They’d been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and... time… as she intended for her and her wife to be.

END.

[kaimelia]

Heartbeats (Ch 2)

a/n: ahhhh thank you for all of the love on ch 1! I have a bunch of this already written so updates will be pretty consistent for the next few chapters!

here’s a link to ch 1: https://afsalta.tumblr.com/post/646116480826654720/heartbeats-ch1

--------------

"So, your tests showed that you have Stage 3 Metastatic Osteosarcoma, which has spread to your lungs. We're going to get you started on chemotherapy soon and make a surgical plan." He felt a squeeze on his hand yet continued to stare blankly ahead. If the oncologist was still talking, he couldn't hear anything.

"I thought osteosarcoma only occurred in young people," Amelia muttered, bringing Link out of his thoughts.

"It's definitely more common among young adults, but it still occurs among adults." Link stared at the nameplate on the desk in front of him, tracing the outline of each letter with his eyes. He could feel the oncologist's gaze on him. "We want to start chemo as soon as possible. I think that we start with four rounds of chemo and see what effect it has." He nodded slowly. "I know that this is scary, so I'll give you two some time. Come find me if you have any questions." She exited the room, leaving them alone. Amelia shifted uncomfortably, thinking about how this was their third time in this situation in the past week. Sitting in a doctor's office, faced with terrible news and neither one of them knowing what to say.

"Do you want to go home?" He shook his head.

"I can't go home. I can't look at Scout and smile like everything's okay."

"We have to tell him eventually," she whispered, watching as the orthopedic surgeon lifted himself out of the chair, taking an extra moment to gain his balance. He suddenly felt more uneasy than before, as if receiving a diagnosis had worsened his condition. She stood up behind him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Where are you going?"

"To find Jo. I need to drink." She sighed as he walked away, her hand falling to her side, and she whimpered softly to herself. Link made his way down the hall, hoping that his coworkers couldn't see the limp in his leg that was paining him more than before. "Jo," he muttered, tugging at her arm once he approached her. She turned around at the sound of his voice and smiled widely.

"Hey, what's going on with your face?"

"I need to drink." Jo pulled out her phone, clicking on the screen and showing it to him.

"It's not even noon." He raised his eyebrows, hoping that his best friend would understand the expression on his face. "Okay. Give me five minutes." He grudgingly followed her into the attendings' lounge, silently leaning against the counter while waiting for her to change out of her scrubs. They walked to the bar in silence, Link ordering a beer as she fell into a booth. "What's going on?" He took a sip of the beer, leaning back against the cushion behind him.

"I have cancer." Jo's face fell across from him, and he avoided her gaze. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to get drunk and forget about the fact that I'm dying." She reached for his hand across the table, a motion of comfort.

"Alright."

--------------

Jo dropped him off a few hours later; her arm wrapped tightly around her friend's waist to steady him as they climbed the short walkway leading to the front door. Amelia opened it after Jo knocked. "He's drunk. Like, really drunk."

"I'm not that drunk," he interjected, his words slurring together. Jo could see the neurosurgeon's chin quiver slightly before she reached out for her husband's arm. "He told me. About the cancer. I'm really sorry, and if you guys need anything, I'm always here." Amelia nodded, thanking the woman for bringing Link home. He grinned at her widely after the door was closed.

"You look really pretty." She frowned at his words and dropped his wrist.

"Don't. Go to our bedroom and sleep. I have to go pick Scout up from school, and I don't want him seeing you like this." Link laughed at her, stumbling towards their bedroom and using the walls of the hallway for support. She bit her lip and turned around, quickly grabbing the car keys and slamming the door behind her. She connected her phone to the Bluetooth of the car, clicking the call button on Maggie's contact before starting the vehicle.

"Amelia?"

"Stage 3 metastatic osteosarcoma spread to his lungs. Feels like a fucking death sentence," she mumbled, backing out of the driveway. "And then Link goes out drinking and comes home slurring his speech, barely able to walk down the hallway. And now I have to pick my son up from school and pretend like nothing's wrong!" She could imagine Maggie's face on the other end of the phone; her lips pursed tightly and the corners of her eyes swollen with tears.

"Amelia, I'm so sorry-"

"I'm just so pissed off. Of course, this happens when our lives are finally settling down. I mean, we just got settled into the house, Scout's finally used to going to school, and now my husband's going to die!" Her voice grew increasingly loud as she spoke, stopping the car suddenly at a red light.

"Amelia, he's not going to-"

"Tell me something. Anything, please. I need to think about something else." The air was silent for a moment.

"Winston still wants to move to Boston. I told him I can't leave; you and Link need me, Mer needs me, but he's really insistent."

"Do you want to go?" Another moment of silence.

"I'm not sure. My family's here. I don't want to leave you all," Maggie spoke, her voice quieter than before. Amelia suddenly felt a bit of guilt, knowing that Maggie wouldn't leave with the knowledge of Link's cancer. "But, I also love Winston. He wants to be near his family."

"Sounds like you're going back to long-distance," Amelia mumbled, pulling into the school parking lot. "I gotta go. Come over for dinner sometime this week?"

"Of course." Amelia parked the car and disconnected her phone, bringing it up to her ear. "If you need anything, I'm here."

"Thank you." She shoved her phone into her pocket, joining the crowd of other parents waiting for their children. The school doors opened a minute later, and she immediately spotted her son running out with his bright blue backpack.

"Mamma!" he shouted, speeding forward into her arms. Amelia kneeled and embraced him tightly.

"Hi, buddy!" She smiled widely at him, glancing down at his hands. "What happened!" The boy grinned and held his hands out, his fingers covered in blue scribbles.

"I was showing Harrison the veins on his fingers, so we traced them with a marker!" Amelia cocked her head to the side and rustled her son's hair, waving to another parent walking by.

"Looks like someone's going to need some hand sanitizer." She took his hand, leading him to the car and helping him up into his car seat. He always complained about it, saying he was a big boy, and since Ellis didn't need her car seat anymore, he didn't need his. The mother chuckled at his claims, pretending to block her ears while moving into the driver's seat. He excitedly told her about his day and how his teacher let him lead the line because he finished his work first.

"Momma?" He eventually asked, kicking his legs out against the back of her seat.

"Mhm?"

"Can we have pizza for dinner?" Amelia smiled at him in the rearview window.

"Tonight is supposed to be mac and cheese."

"Daddy was sad yesterday, and Daddy loves pizza." She choked back a sob at her son's awareness, suddenly conscious of what her son didn't know. "And we can watch Toy Story!"

"I think that would be wonderful."

--------------

Amelia masked her annoyance when her husband came out into the living room later that evening, complaining about his headache. He'd slumped down onto the couch and pulled Scout into his embrace, acting as if he wasn't dying and as if he hadn't spent the day getting drunk like a stupid teenager. They'd both smiled widely as Toy Story began to play on the television, happily eating pizza and amusing their son with high-pitched voices and tickles on his stomach. After the movie, Amelia looked over at her husband. He nodded slowly, as if unsure of what he was saying himself, yet somehow understanding what she was asking.

"Scout, there's something we need to talk to you about." He perked up quickly, nibbling on a pizza crust, his toy Buzz resting in his lap. Link sat up behind him and placed a hand on the boy's shoulder. "You know how Daddy and I have been going to a lot of appointments yesterday and today?"

"With Dr. Bailey!" Her eyes turned upwards in a smile.

"Some of them, yes." She took her son's hand in hers. "We have to go to the doctor's because Daddy is sick." Scout turned around to look up at his father.

"You're sick?" Link nodded at him, biting the inside of his cheek. "How?"

"Well, my body is sick. And I have to get medicine and maybe have surgery soon." Amelia frowned when his voice cracked.

"Like the flu?" She shook her head.

"No, Daddy has something called cancer. The doctors are going to do everything to make Daddy feel better. But, he's gonna be tired and feel sick a lot." Scout sniffled, a few tears escaping from his eyes. The neurosurgeon looked up to see the same look on Link's face, his own tears rolling down his cheeks. "And, if there's anything you want to know, you can ask us."

"Is Daddy going to die?" he cried, his tiny blue eyes pleading for an answer. Amelia took his hand.

"We don't know, Scout. We have to see if Daddy feels better when he gets the medicine." Scout fell against his father's chest, burying his face into the man's t-shirt. Link wrapped his arms around his son, leaning back into the couch.

"I'm right here, okay?" They remained in that position for some time until Scout had tired himself out from crying and fallen asleep in Link's arms. Amelia watched as her husband looked down at their son, his hand rubbing soothing patterns on the boy's forehead. He made eye contact with her. "I'm sorry. That I got drunk, I just needed to forget for a few hours."

"I'm not going to say it's okay, you know how I feel when you drink a lot, but I understand why." She sighed, pulling the knitted blanket off the back of the couch and tossing it over her husband and son. "You do realize that once you start chemo, you can't drink." He raised his eyebrows.

"I know." The air between them felt heavy. "He's already so sad. He doesn't even truly understand what's happening and he's terrified. He's only four," Link whispered, not looking away from their sleeping son.

"You're his dad. He practically worships you." They both breathed out soft laughs. "He wanted to get pizza for dinner because he noticed you looked sad." Link turned his head, making eye contact with her. "He's a lot more observant than we think. He just needs us to be with him." The father nodded in agreement. "Are we sleeping out here tonight?" she asked, adjusting a pillow behind her. Link laid down further into the couch.

"We should put him in his own bed," Link said softly, careful not to raise his voice too loudly. Amelia smirked, knowing that Scout wouldn't end up in his bed.

"I'll go get us some more blankets."

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Saving Grace - Part 4

Summary: Steve leaves you and your son to go back to Peggy unaware your pregnant.

Your heartbroken and struggling without Steve until Bucky Barnes steps up to help you out. With you and Bucky growing closer everyday will he be your saving Grace?

(Takes place after The Avengers defeat Thanos and people lost in the snap are back).

A/N -Sorry summary sucks! If i say too much it will give things away! 💜

"Hey Y/N, its good to see you!" Peter said as he saw me walking into the compound with Harrison.

"Hey Pete, how you doing?" I smiled giving the young boy a quick one armed hug.

"Oh my god your pregnant...."

"Yep" i nodded placing a hand on my growing bump "another one on the way, hey can we catch up later i have an appointment i need to get to and i've gotta drop Harrison off with Clint first" i said looking down at my son who was holding my hand.

"Yeah sure! It was real good to see you"

"You too".

After saying goodbye to Peter we headed to the elevator and made our way up to the common area. Harrison saw Clint as soon as the doors opened and run straight to him jumping into Clints arms as he bent down to his level.

"Did you get bigger?" I heard Clint ask Harrison as i walked towards them.

"Nooooo" Harrison laughed.

"I was actually talking to your mama"

"HAHA! and yes i probably did!" I rolled my eyes at him "i feel huge"

"You look beautiful! Im just playing with you"

"Thanks Clint! Your sure this is okay?...."

"Yeah of course we'll be fine, right bud?"

"Yep!"

"Okay, here's his bag with some bits he might need and also... Fred" i held up his dinosaur teddy that he loved "i shouldn't be that long"

"Go, we're good here i promise"

"Okay.... be good for Uncle Clint buddy" i kissed his blonde hair quickly and turned back to the elevator. As the doors opened Bucky and Sam were standing there both giving me huge smiles.

"Hey doll, what you doing here?" Bucky asked before Sam could.

"Just dropping Harrison off with Clint, you guys are back early"

"Yeah another waste of time with Ross, I'm gonna go see my little man" Sam said leaving me with Bucky.

"So how come Clints watching Harrison?"

"Ive got a doctors appointment, i didn't want to have to worry about keeping Harrison occupied. You guys were busy and Clint offered"

"Your okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just got an ultrasound. Its just to check on the baby, routine stuff"

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"You dont have to..."

"Id like to....if you dont mind of course"

"Sure, it'd be nice actually".

The drive to the hospital was quiet but not awkward, i kept catching Bucky looking over every now and then and we'd share a smile, butterflies going crazy in my stomach each time! The effect this man had on me was crazy!

Walking into the hospital he suddenly became very nervous and i couldn't help but think he regretted offering to come with me.

"You can wait in the car if this makes you uncomfortable Bucky..."

"What?... no im fine doll. These places just freak me out" he gave me a small smile. I reached for his hand and laced my fingers with his giving his hand a squeeze.

"Come on, we wont be here long i promise".

After checking in we went to sit with all the other couples waiting for their appointments, some women clearly only attending their first check up, others looking like they were ready to pop any second. But all i could see were the happy couples, they all sat there looking happy. Last time i did this i was just like them, Steve and I were happy and in love.... or at least i had thought so.

"you okay?" Bucky asked quietly leaning closer to me.

"Yeah" i nodded quickly turning to look at him, by the look on his face he didn't believe me.

"Your a terrible liar" he smiled taking hold of my hand "you thinking about him?"

"I guess so, its just being here this time around is different from when i was pregnant with Harrison. I was just like them" i looked over at the happily loved up couples "thank you for coming with me Buck it would have been so much worse sitting here alone"

"Anytime. Anything you need I'm your guy" he leaned closer and pressed a kiss to my temple just as the nurse came out and called my name.

"I'll be right here when your done"

"Your not coming in?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to"

"Come on, i need you Bucky".

Bucky got up quickly nodding and following me into the examination room.

"Good afternoon Y/N" an older gentleman greeted me when i walked in.

"Hi"

"Im Dr Green"

"Where's Dr Gale?"

"Sick I'm afraid, your in good hands i promise" he smiled "okay so mom if you wanna get on the bed.... I'm guessing this is dad?.... you can pull up a chair to get a better look"

Bucky and I looked at each other but didn't correct the doctors assumption that Bucky was the dad, it was easier to just let him think that.

"Okay if you can just lift up your shirt i'll get started".

A few minutes later i was looking at my baby girl on the screen, the sound of her heartbeat filling the room.

"Everything looks great" Dr Green smiled at us as he clicked some buttons and made some notes "i'll get some of these printed for you guys and you can be on your way"

"Thats it?" Bucky asked looking confused.

"Yeah this was just to check everything is as it should be. I wont need to come back until D day now"

"D day?"

"Delivery day" i laughed wiping the gel of my stomach with the towels Dr Green had handed me.

"Oh right" Bucky nodded before smiling at me.

"First time dad huh? Its all very overwhelming i know, but just relax. This bit is the easy bit" Dr Green laughed handing the print outs to Bucky "i have four kids and 6 grandkids.....the hard bit is when their here"

I scoffed at that statement, it was easy for him to say he didn't have to push the kid out!!

"Really? Cause i would have thought the hardest part was Y/N having to actually have the baby" Bucky said looking at the doctor with a murder glare and i had to hold in a laugh.

"Oh of course! Im not saying giving birth is easy....."

"I should think not. You ready doll?" He held his hand out for me

"Yeah" i nodded smiling up at him as i took his hand "thank you Dr Green".

"Man i wanted punch that guy in the face so bad" Bucky said quietly to me as we walked out to the car "as if the birth is the easiest part of having a kid?? The hard part is when their here??" He mimicked the doctors voice making me laugh "his kids and grandkids must be monsters! I mean Harrison's not hard work, his no trouble at all".

We stopped at the car and i couldn't help but smile at him "what?" he asked.

"Nothing, its just..... your pretty amazing Buck" i smiled reaching up and pressing my lips to his gently. He let out a little surprised gasp but quickly kissed me back, pulling me closer to deepen the kiss. When we broke apart we were both breathless "wow" i smiled up at him feeling myself blushing.

"You got that right doll" he beamed.

"I know i said i wanted to wait til after the baby but i just couldn't help myself"

"Im not complaining, lets just take things slow. If you wanna kiss me again i wont object" Bucky smirked and i could just imagine him being like that back in the day before the war, before Hydra.

"Maybe later" i chuckled "lets go get Harrison and go home"

"Sounds perfect".

Taglist:

@jennmurawski13 @kenzieam @captainchrisstan

@s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest @ms-betsy-fangirl

@damnaged-princess @farfromtommy @disneylovingal

[jalapeno-princess]

Baby Steps

Daddy Youngjae X Reader

Word Count: 2.6k

Genre: Fluff/first time parents

Summary: You leave Youngjae alone to take care of your six month old daughter and he thinks he’s not cut out for parenting.

A/N: Thank you for the request anon I hope you enjoy it! I love parent Got7 in general so I hope I did our adorable ray of sunshine justice

“Naeun-ah. Princess, don’t touch that!” 

People weren’t lying when they said the hardest job in the world was being a parent. You and your husband Youngjae were the proud parents of the most adorable little 6-month-old. You’ve been wanting kids for as long as you could remember. When you and Youngjae first started dating, he took you to meet his family just two months after he asked you out. 

The idea of meeting his family so soon made you nervous, but it also warmed your heart knowing that Youngjae wanted to introduce you to the people who meant the world to him. He brought you over to his parents house for a Christmas party and it didn’t take you long to get settled in and feel comfortable with his family. The Choi family were such kind and warm-hearted people and accepted you right off the bat. 

You saw the way Youngjae acted towards his nieces and nephews and even if the two of you weren’t together for that long at the time, you knew Youngjae was going to be such an amazing father and you couldn’t help but imagine settling down and starting a family with him. The two of you were dating for almost four years when he finally proposed to you and only three months after your wedding, you got the wonderful news that you were pregnant. 

During your pregnancy, Youngjae tended to your every need. He was already such an amazing husband and you didn’t think it was possible for him to get any more perfect than he already was. Whatever you craved, he got it for you whenever and from wherever. If you had to pee in the middle of the night, he would get up and bring you every single time. He attended every single appointment, bought you things to help accommodate you during such a stressful and painful time and even signed you both up for classes to help prepare the two of you for the baby’s arrival. 

You found out you were having a baby girl when you were almost five months pregnant and Youngjae was extremely over the moon. During your relationship, he’d never fail to voice his opinion about wanting to have a girl first. As soon as the doctor revealed what you both were having, he went to multiple stores buying anything and everything he felt your daughter would need. He bought and set up the crib as soon as you got home that day and her closet was filled with so many different pairs of clothing. 

Once he finished setting up her room, his excitement continued and he began to come up with different names for your baby girl. Your heart fluttered as you witnessed how happy Youngjae was and you couldn’t wait to see how he would act as soon as your baby arrived. 

When Naeun was born, Youngjae never took his eyes off of her once. Right after giving birth to your beautiful little ray of sunshine, you didn’t even get one minute with her before Youngjae was asking to hold her. You had to remind your husband that although he was excited and could not wait for his turn to hold the newborn, you wanted a few moments to be able to admire her and to bask in the fact that you held this beautiful little creature in your tummy for the last nine months. 

Naeun was a creation of the overwhelming love that you and Youngjae had for one another and you couldn’t wait to see what the future held for you and your little family. When you finally felt like it was Youngjae’s turn to spend time with her, your heart fluttered when you saw the tears fall down his cheeks as he left soft little kisses around her face. Knowing your husband’s tendencies and how he was already spoiling her before she was even born, you knew Naeun was going to be a huge daddy’s girl. 

The first week together right after the hospital gave you the okay to take her home was the roughest. You both were so afraid of hurting her that you did everything very slowly. In your eyes, she was the most delicate and fragile piece of glass and one wrong move could hurt her. You were even afraid of feeding her so Youngjae had to try his best in supporting you and whispered sweet nothings and words of encouragement in your ear while you did so. 

Being a first time parent was hard, but you knew you could do it; hell, you could do anything with someone as loving, caring, patient, understanding and golden-hearted as Youngjae by your side. 

As the months went by and Naeun got older, things soon grew easier and taking care of her wasn’t as hard anymore. Well—for you. Youngjae was extremely helpful whenever it came to taking turns with changing her, bathing her, feeding her, clothing her and putting her to sleep. However, he always had you with him to help him if he were to make a mistake. Holding Naeun, cradling her, cuddling with her, playing with her and watching tv with her were such fun and easy tasks that he could do with his eyes closed. 

However, this was the first time he would be taking care of his little princess without you there to make sure he’s doing everything right. You were spending the day with your best friend who was visiting from out of town and although you were worried about leaving your daughter alone with her father for the first time, Youngjae insisted you go and have some fun. It’s been a while since either of you got to go out for a little breather and as much as you loved being around your baby every single second of the day, it was only natural to want to take a break. 

Having the little girl refuse to eat her food that you prepared for her as she crawled all around your apartment licking and salivating all over your carpet and furniture made Youngjae regret letting you go. Sure, you praised him for being such an amazing father and his friends would never fail to tell him how they felt that out of everything Youngjae has done, becoming a father was his greatest accomplishment. But he was slowly getting upset with himself because he didn’t know what to do. 

Your daughter began to cry and it was obvious that she wanted you. No matter how much of a daddy’s girl Naeun was, Youngjae was sure she was completely aware of who was the one that took care of her the most. Her soft soft cries soon filled the living room and Youngjae could feel his heart breaking at the sight. Naeun didn’t cry all too often but that’s because she never really had a reason to cry. 

You’ve told him multiple times before that babies have distinct cries and you knew what your little girl wanted whenever you’d hear her crying. She had a cry for when she was hungry, uncomfortable, tired, bored and one when she made an accident in her diapers. Unfortunately, Youngjae tried everything but to no avail. He tried to change her, feed her, rock her to sleep and even sang a lullaby to her but nothing seemed to be working. 

“What’s wrong baby? Do you miss mommy? Is that why you’re crying? I miss her too. Should we call her?” 

He picked up your daughter and went on a hunt for his phone. Once he unlocked his phone and began to face time you, he released a sigh of relief when he saw your face pop up on the screen. 

“Hey babe—and hi there my little love bug! Are you giving daddy a hard time? Why do you look so sad my baby? How everything going love? Do you need me to come home?” He frowned before shaking his head in disagreement no matter how badly he wanted you to come home. He didn’t want you to rush your time together with your friend. 

Youngjae also felt pathetic not being able to do something as simple as taking care of a baby. His baby to be exact. It made him feel like a terrible father. You were practically superwoman. You would feed her, give her a bath, brush her cute little teeth and her soft brown hair, change her diapers and wake up every time she would cry and rock her back to sleep like it was nothing. 

Naeun wouldn’t even allow her daddy to even tie her hair with a rubber band. Not once would he hear you complain about how hard it was taking care of a baby, so he was mad at himself that he called you because he couldn’t handle taking care of her on his own. 

“Sorry y/n, I didn’t want to bother you. Please don’t feel like you have to come home because I’m incapable of taking care of our daughter. Stay out as long as you need to. You hardly ever get time to yourself so take advantage of it baby. Maybe I’ll call the guys over or something—“ you gave your husband a knowing look and giggled at the memory of what happened the last time Naeun was left with her uncles. 

One month after you and Youngjae welcomed Naeun in to the world, his group of friends kindly offered to watch her so that the two of you could go and have a nice date night. Out of their group of friends, Mark and Jinyoung had children of their own, so you could trust that at least one of them knew how to take care of a baby. Unfortunately, right as you and your husband got seated in the restaurant, your phones started to go off and a frown rose on your face when you read the many messages of how they didn’t think they were doing so well.

Apparently, Naeun would not stop crying and none of them knew how to change a diaper. You couldn’t quite understand how six grown men had such a hard time taking care of a newborn, but you didn’t want them suffering any longer therefore, you took your food to go. When the two of you arrived back to your apartment, the place was a mess. There were diapers everywhere, bottles scattered throughout the living room, multiple pairs of onesies on the table and chairs and both BamBam and Yugyeom were knocked out on the floor. Countless apologies fell from their lips and you couldn’t help but stifle a laugh. You were extremely grateful that they wanted to help you out and give you both a break, but you knew you had no plans of asking them to babysit again any time soon. 

“Don’t worry about it Jae, I actually miss my baby girl. We’re pretty much done here anyway. Is there anything I can get for you before coming home?” He gave you a soft smile before speaking up. 

“Just your beautiful self—oh. And maybe some pork belly. Drive safely baby, I love you.” Once you returned home, the mess that your apartment was currently in almost made you scream in shock, but you knew Youngjae had his reasons for it. 

“Youngjae? Naeun?” Your husband and daughter were no where to be found. You placed his food on the counter before beginning the search for your two favorite people. After you checked your room and saw that it was empty, you made your way in to the nursery and your heart fluttered at the most adorable sight in front of you. 

Youngjae was currently sitting in the rocking chair, singing softly to your daughter while cradling her against his chest. His eyes were quick to find yours and he gave you a soft smile before slowly  getting up from the chair and placing Naeun in her bassinet. He made his way over to you and pulled you in to his embrace before hiding his face in the crook of your neck. 

“How are you so good at this? I can’t even take care of her for three hours without feeling like I’m doing something wrong but you make it seem so easy. I’m sorry if I made you come home early because I’m no good at this. I don’t think I was cut out to be a father. But I love our little girl so much. I want to be able to do everything I can for her but I can’t even change her diaper properly. I had to watch a YouTube tutorial. She’s 6 months old and I still have a hard time doing something as easy as feeding her. What kind of parent am I?” 

Hearing him say such negative things about his parenting skills sent an upsetting feeling to your stomach. Youngjae was nothing but patient and understanding when it came to your daughter. He spent practically every second of the day with her. He loved being around her and always did whatever he could to help you out. Sure, he had a lot to learn, but you didn’t think he was a terrible father. If anything, he was the best father a little girl could ask for. 

“Youngjae, just because you are still learning how to take care of a baby does not mean you are bad at parenting. Nor does it make you a terrible father. She’s our first child my love. I’m not perfect at this either. There’s still so much I have to learn too. You are such an amazing father baby and a wonderful husband. Naeun is very lucky to have you as her daddy. There may be some tasks that you still struggle to do when it comes to watching her, but you make up for it in everything else that you do for her. You never fail to put her to sleep, in fact I’ve noticed that she can only really fall asleep to the sound of her voice. You buy everything she needs, you’re always playing with her and try to teach her words and numbers, you wake up in the wee hours of the morning to check on her every so often and you try your best to make her smile. You do a lot more than you think you do my love. Baby steps remember? We’re not expected to be professionals at this. But the more we learn when it comes to Naeun, the better we’ll be with our other children. You’re perfect just the way you are Youngjae.”

You placed a chaste kiss on the corner of his lips before making your way to your daughter. You couldn’t help the laugh that fell from your lips when you saw what she was wearing. 

“Is something wrong? What’s so funny?” He wrapped his arms around your waist while placing his head on your shoulder. 

“This onesie is for newborns. Naeun is almost 7 months old. But nice try babe.” He released a frustrated sigh. 

“That’s why it wouldn’t button up. You might want to check her diaper too, I don’t think I did that right either. I’m so glad at least one of us knows what we’re doing. I don’t know what I’d do without you y/n. I love you.” 

You beamed up at him. “I love you too. Now it’s your turn to get some rest, you’ve obviously had a rough day.” 

He shook his head before playfully slapping your butt. “I think it’s time we gave Naeun a younger sibling don’t you think?” 

You rolled your eyes before making your way towards the door. “Learn how to change a diaper properly and then we’ll talk.”

[huttons]

Never Really Was Enough, finale

word count: 4.4k

summary: When Eva moves to Raleigh, it wasn't a happy occasion. She needed to get away from her family and moving across the country was the quickest way for her to accomplish that. As she finds her place in Raleigh, she finds a new family with people she never expected to (especially with a certain red-headed hockey player).

warnings: talk of homophobia, off-screen character death

author’s note: written as part of FandomTrumpsHate for Demi <3

part one | part two | part three | ao3 link

~ ~ ~

“I really don’t know what ‘I love you’ means. I think it means ‘Don’t leave me here alone.’”

Eva and Dougie both agree that they need to talk in person to make sure that they’re fully understanding what’s going on. She’s extremely nervous as she heads over to his house because she doesn’t want to make things even worse. What she has with Dougie is one of the best things to happen to her, and to lose an important relationship like this…it would devastate her.

When she gets to Dougie’s house, she lets herself in. He told her that it would be easier for her to just let herself in since he isn’t supposed to be moving all that much still. She takes it as he’s already been moving around too much. As she walks in, Eva sees Dougie passed out on the couch. Rolling her eyes, she takes off her shoes and sits down next to him.

“You know you shouldn’t be sleeping like that,” Eva says, waking him up.

“Oh god, I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he replies, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m glad you came though.”

“Of course, I came,” she whispers. “Do you want to talk here?”

“Yeah, that works for me.”

“Do you need anything before we start?”

“No, I just want to apologize.”

“Dougie, you have nothing to apologize for. I was being too much and I should have realized what I was doing. It wasn’t fair to you and I get why you were so angry,” Eva explains. “And I had my reasons why I was acting like I did, but that doesn’t excuse what happened.”

“Yelling at you wasn’t great either.”

Eva shrugs. “Yeah, it didn’t feel great, but I can understand why you did.”

“Looks like we both have our reasons,” he whispers. “I never want to do that again.”

“But we will and we need to talk about it instead of me just running away like I did. I’m sorry about that, by the way. I wanted for you to reach out to me because I didn’t want it to feel like I was pushing you into apologizing for something you weren’t sorry for.”

“Why would you think that you were pushing me? I knew that things weren’t great for you back home. While I don’t know the full extent of what went on, I should have known yelling was an extra shitty thing to do. Nobody likes being yelled at, but from what you’ve told me…it was worse than normal.”

“Things happen, I get it. But…I really am sorry, Dougie. I can’t promise that I’ll magically be better, but I’ll work on it. And you need to tell me when I’m being too much because I don’t always know what’s too much and what’s not enough.”

“I promise I will,” Dougie whispers.

And then he’s dragging Eva into a kiss. She kisses him back, deepening the kiss. He tries to drag her into his lap, but she pulls back.

“Dougie, I know what you’re trying to do because this always leads to something else, but you’re in no state to get up to anything on the couch,” Eva snorts.

“Fine, help me to the bedroom then?” Dougie asks, a devilish look in his eyes.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe that I’m dating you.”

He just smiles and holds out his hand to be pulled up. Eva sighs, and then helps him up to his room. It’s hard supporting going up the stairs, especially considering their height difference, but she figures that this isn’t going to be the hardest thing that they have to go through on his road to recovery.

~ ~ ~

Things aren’t smooth sailing at first. There’s a lot of frank conversations about what’s too much and Eva doing her best to adapt. It’s hard, and there’s plenty of disagreements. Dougie concedes on quite a bit more than he was willing to at first. He’s starting to see how important it is to Eva for her to be able to care for him.

“I can get one of the guys to drive me to my doctor’s appointment,” he points out, when he and Eva are looking at his schedule for the next couple of weeks. “You don’t need to keep taking time off of work.”

“I just want to be able to be there for you. And if I’m going to be here to help take care of you, it’d be nice to know what to do,” Eva replies, brows furrowed.

“Eva, I know that you have some big projects coming up and I promise that I’ll be okay being on my own for a little bit. And I’ll make sure to take notes, whatever it means that you’ll be okay with going into work.”

“I just…I feel like I need to make up for something that hasn’t happened yet,” Eva whispers. “I think it might be because I wasn’t able to be there for my brother, so I’m just going overboard with trying to make up for that. It’s so illogical because you’re going to be fine and there’s nothing to worry about, but it’s just hard.”

“I can’t imagine how hard that was, and I know you want to help, but I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. I’m on track to get better and things will be fine, as long as I keep going to PT and following the doctor’s orders.”

Eva smiles a little bit. “I know, which is why I’m just so frustrated, mostly with myself. I promise that I’ll try to work on it more, but I can’t promise that it’ll be better right away.”

“You can start by letting someone else take me to the doctor’s appointment next week,” Dougie says tentatively. “It’s just a simple check-up and I’m probably not going to get too much new information. And I’ll call you right after, if that makes you feel any better.”

“Yeah, that would be nice,” Eva says. “I’m sorry for making it such a hassle to even just go to the doctors.”

“We’re talking about it, and that’s the most important part of it all. As long as we keep talking about it, we’ll be just fine,” Dougie replies, trying his best to be reassuring.

There’s a lot of frank discussions over the following weeks, mostly Eva trying to make sure that Dougie has some sort of independence during this time. Things never escalate to the point before their fight, and they’re both grateful for it. It’s hard for Eva, though, being so honest about her life before Raleigh, but she knows that talking through it all helps Dougie understand where she’s coming from. It also seems to help Eva realize how much she needs to step back.

They’re laying on the couch one night, after another long conversation, watching nature documentaries. Dougie has himself propped up a bit, so he can keep his leg elevated a little. Eva has curled up on his side, figuring that this was the easiest way to cuddle at the moment.

“I have something to ask you and I want you to be completely honest,” Dougie says as they’re starting the new Planet Earth series.

Eva is a little worried how serious he sounds, so she adjusts herself so she’s turned more towards Dougie, so she can make it apparent that he has her full attention.

“I was wondering if you would want to move in with me?” he asks. “I just love having you here and while I know it’s kind of messy sometimes, being with you all the time is kind of a dream come true.”

“You’re such a sap,” Eva snorts. “But…yeah, I think that would be nice. When I was back at my apartment after our fight, it felt weird, kind of wrong in a way? And you’re not too bad to be around.”

Dougie snorts. “It’ll be nice having you around more. Once I start playing again…it’ll be nice knowing that we won’t have to work around my schedule to try and see each other.”

“Yeah, that will be nice,” Eva whispers, leaning over to kiss him.

The following day, Dougie practically shoves Eva out the door to start packing her apartment up. She complained that they didn’t have to move in together right away, and her lease isn’t up for a couple more months, but he’s insistent that he doesn’t want to have to wait around if they don’t have to. Eva just rolls her eyes and tells him that he’s lucky she still has boxes from when she moved last.

When Eva gets to her apartment, she sends a text to Sammy, telling her to come down to her place. She figures that it’s probably better to tell her best friend that she’s moving in person. It only takes thirty minutes for Sammy to knock on her door.

“So, what do you have to tell me?” Sammy asks as soon as she’s let in the door.

“Well, uh, Dougie and I might be moving in together?” Eva answers, a little unsure.

“Wait, really?” Sammy exclaims. “This means I win the bet!”

“There was a bet?!”

“I mean, it’s obvious the two of you are totally in love with each other and we were all just wondering how long it would take. A lot of people thought it would be sooner, but I’m pretty sure I was the closest.”

“Why does this sound like it was more than just you and Patrick betting on it?”

“So, uh, maybe a good chunk of the front office was involved? And some of the players?”

“Good lord, I wish I could be surprised but…”

Sammy snorts. “Thank you for helping me win the bet, though. Means I’ll help you move in if you want to. I wouldn’t normally offer and make Dougie help you but considering you probably don’t want to push him too much, I guess I can lend a hand.”

“I appreciate your sacrifice,” Eva replies, laughing. “And I don’t even know if this is going to make any sense, but for a while after Lucas died, I felt like I almost didn’t really exist in a sense? I was just floating through life and it’s why I impulsively moved across the country. Raleigh was just another place, but finding you, Patrick, Dougie…everyone here, something about it grounded me and made me feel real again.

“This feels like such a dumb thing to get emotional about, but I feel like you all helped remind me that I matter and that what I’m doing has an impact.  I know that this is just a long tangent to basically just say thank you for being my friend and it’s going to suck living in a different place from you now. I guess this is just making me realize how thankful I am because there’s moments where I forget how bad things used to be.”

“Oh my god, you’re going to make me cry ,” Sammy cries. “But we’re here to take care of you, no matter what. No matter how fucking resilient you are, we’re always going to be here for you. And I’m going to miss you too, but you’re going to love living with Dougie. If anything goes wrong, which I really doubt, Patrick and I will be there in a heartbeat to kick his ass.”

Eva and Sammy hug tightly for a moment, before letting go. Sammy insists that they start packing things up immediately, seemingly on the same track as Dougie of getting Eva moved in as quickly as possible. Eventually, Sammy calls Patrick to tell him to come help.

“If I didn’t know any better, it would seem like you wanted me to leave,” Eva says as Patrick comes in to help.

“No, we just know that Dougie will be annoying the crap out of you to just move in,” Patrick replies. “Besides, his house is a lot nicer than this apartment.”

“I feel like I should be insulted,” Eva jokes.

“He’d be insulting us as well, considering we still live here,” Sammy says.

“How is it that I’m moving into a house before the two of you?” Eva inquires, a hint of disbelief in her voice.

“Not all of us have extremely lucrative jobs and a rich boyfriend,” Sammy sighs dramatically.

Patrick rolls his eyes. “We just haven’t settled on a place yet; Sammy is just bitter that we don’t have the same exact aesthetic choices.”

“It’s not my fault that your ‘aesthetic’ is frat boy chic,” Sammy says.

“Y’all can argue about this elsewhere because I didn’t sign up to listen to this,” Eva replies. “Besides, it sounds like the two of you have talked about this too much already.”

Sammy and Patrick just mumble a little under their breaths, but continue helping Eva sort out what she’ll be taking to Dougie’s and donating. By the time dinner time rolls around, it feels like they’ve barely accomplished anything, but Eva guesses that it won’t take long for her to pack everything into boxes since there aren’t too many things she has to take to Dougie’s.

“Dear god, how did you manage to accumulate so much random shit in the almost two years you’ve been here?” Patrick complains, after he orders some pizza.

“A lot of it sounded cool at the time,” Eva replies, shrugging. “I was always planning on using it or regifting it at some point, but there was too much of it for me to look at it without getting anxious about it.”

Sammy and Patrick laugh a little before flopping onto the couch. The rest of the night is just spent hanging out with each other. Eva feels content, and it’s been a long time since she’s felt that way. She wonders at how lucky she is, to have such supportive friends and an amazing boyfriend. There’s a small part of her that wants to share it with her family, but she knows that wouldn’t lead down a road she wants to go down. So, she just basks in the glow of being utterly and completely happy.

When May rolls around, Eva is still thinking about flying to see her brother or not. She wants to go, but is unsure of what to do. As much as she wants to see him again, Eva feels unsure if it’ll be worth it to just reopen old wounds. Dougie can tell that she’s been thinking about it a lot.

“Would it help if I came? I’m not sure if that would be weird or not,” Dougie says one night after dinner. “And since we didn’t get into the playoffs this year, I won’t have to worry about my game schedule.”

“I honestly have no idea. I want to go and see him again, but…the thought of going back home scares me. I moved out here to get away from it, but I feel like my family is winning if I don’t go back, you know? Like they managed to scare me enough to not want to go visit my brother.”

“Well, I think it might be good to go back. And I’d love to come with to support you, but if that would be too much, I’ll stay put.”

“I think…I think I would want you to come,” Eva whispers. “I know you won’t be properly meeting him, but it would still be nice for you to see him. And it’ll be nice for me to show you where I grew up too.”

“I’d love to come with you,” Dougie says. “Maybe it’ll be a chance to make some better memories.”

“Okay,” Eva says softly.

Planning the trip is harder than Eva expected. Not in the sense of finding a good flight or somewhere nice to stay, but she can feel the nervous energy building up the closer their leaving date is. Dougie does his best to comfort her, but he’s unsure of what best to do. By the time they’re on their flight out at the end of May, Eva just feels like a bundle of nerves.

Dougie holds her hand tightly through the whole flight, as they grab their bags, and head to their hotel. She doesn’t say much, but she does her best to show that she’s managing okay. It feels weird being back in Portland, a place that she’s tried to remove herself from. The memories are slowly starting to come back, but Eva does her best to shove them back. They don’t have much planned for the day, since it’s the late afternoon now, so the two of them decide to order in room service for dinner.

“How are you holding up?” Dougie asks. “That’s probably a dumb question but…”

“I’m…doing better than I was expecting. It’s nice to have you here if I’m being honest. Knowing that you’ll be here is helping a lot.”

“I’m glad I could help,” Dougie says, kissing her briefly.

They don’t talk much about the visit to her brother’s grave that they have planned for the next day. Dougie had been hesitant to go the day after they arrive in town, but Eva had been insistent that she wanted to have a couple days of them just exploring Portland. She wants to have happy memories in Portland, ones that aren’t tainted by her family. Dougie had relented after that.

When they wake the next morning, there’s a noticeable tension in the air. Even though she knows her family won’t be there, Eva is a bit fearful of what she might find. The drive out to the cemetery isn’t a long one, thankfully, so it doesn’t give her much time to think about the what-ifs. Once Dougie parks the car, the walk out to Lucas’ grave is silent, other than the occasional bird singing.

Eva sits down in front of Lucas’ grave when she sees it. Dougie takes a spot next to her, and grabs her hand. She isn’t sure what to say, there’s so much that’s happened in the last two years that she’s been to visit him. And Eva knows that she doesn’t have to visit him to tell him about things going on in her life, especially since she isn’t even sure if he can hear her.

“Losing my brother was the hardest thing I had to go through, even worse than having my family stop talking to me. Having them leave my life was fine because I had Lucas with me,” Eva explains. “When he died…I feel like he should have been placed among the stars, like in the myths. He did so much for me and I never got to say goodbye to him. Now he’s here, laying in the ground, bound to be forgotten because I’m the only one who ever comes to visit him.”

Eva starts sobbing, and Dougie holds her tightly. She’s not sure how long they sit there, with her crying into his shoulder. There’s nothing dignified about it, there’s no cosmic shift in the universe. Everything just…stays the same, except now Dougie is here. And that means so much to Eva, which just leads to another round of her crying.

“God, I’m sorry I’m such a fucking mess,” Eva croaks.

“No, no, don’t worry about it,” Dougie whispers. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. And…I’m glad I get to meet him. Being here is important to you, and for you to let me in, I appreciate it so much, Eva. I’ll do my best to make sure that he’s remembered. He deserves to be remembered.”

“I just hate that he’s eventually going to become just another name in the sea of gravestones. I mean, I don’t know these people’s stories and I just don’t know what to make of it, I guess.”

“It’s a lot to take in, but as long as we remember him, that’ll have to be good enough.”

They sit there in silence for a little while longer, and Eva gets up to head back to the car. Dougie stays sitting down, and she raises an eyebrow when he doesn’t get up.

“This might be a weird request, but can I talk with him a little bit? Would that be weird?” he inquires.

“Yeah, sure,” Eva replies, confused.

~ ~ ~

Once she’s far enough away, Dougie turns back to Lucas’ grave. He sits there for a few moments, unsure of where to start. He wasn’t planning on this, but it seems like the right thing to do, something that Eva will appreciate.

“So, um, Lucas, I know we don’t know each other, but I’m in love with your sister,” Dougie says, feeling a bit weird talking to a gravestone. “And I plan on loving her for a long time. I know that I don’t need permission to ask for her hand in marriage, because that seems a bit old school, but I wanted to say something anyways. I plan on loving her for a long time, supporting her however I can.

“I might not be the best at it because I don’t really know what happened with her and your family. But I’m going to do my best and make sure that she feels loved every single day of our lives. It’s kind of scary, knowing that you’re going to be in love with someone forever, but I’m excited that I get to be in love with someone like Eva.

“Whatever happens, I promise I’ll try to be as good of a man as you were in being there for Eva. We’ve gotten better at communicating and just being there for each other. So, uh, I guess that’s really it. I guess…I guess I’ll see you next year, granted that Eva doesn’t tell me no when I propose to her.”

As Dougie walks back to the car, he feels a sense of peace wash over him. He knows it probably isn’t Lucas, but he likes to think it is, that he’s giving Dougie some reassurance. Dougie knows that he might be moving a little fast with Eva, they’ve only been together for a year and a half, but there’s some things he’s just sure of and spending the rest of his life with Eva is one of them.

“So, what took you so long?” Eva inquires.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Dougie replies, smiling softly.

~ ~ ~

It’s late July now and Raleigh is deep into the syrupy heat of summer. Normally, Dougie would find himself going home during the summer months, but he doesn’t want to leave Eva alone for the summer since her work is still here. He hasn’t made much headway in proposing to her, but he has a ring picked out and is just waiting for the right moment to ask.

They’re sitting in the backyard, watching the sun go down as they talk about everything and nothing. There’s a certain ease that Eva hasn’t felt in a long time and she wants to be able to do this forever. She knows that it might be too soon to be thinking about forever with Dougie, but it’s hard when the possibility is just too good to ignore.

“Eva,” Dougie says a bit seriously, when there’s a lull in conversation.

“Yes?” she replies, unsure of what to make of his tone.

“I…I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I want to know what you think,” he says, as he shifts in his chair so he can look at Eva. “I know that we haven’t been together for a super long time. I mean, it’ll be two years in December, but that’s still months away. But…I’ve been thinking about our future and I can see there being a forever for us. This isn’t really the grand proposal that I had imagined, but…I just wanted to ask. To see what you thought.”

“Oh,” Eva says. “Forever sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

“Is…is that a yes?”

“Yeah, that’s a yes.”

Dougie lets out a small laugh before tears start falling. He stands up, and pulls Eva up as well, then kisses her deeply. She wraps her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. When he pulls back, she looks at him, a bit confused.

“Not that I didn’t like where this was going, I wanted to tell you something else,” Dougie says, smiling a little. “I, uh, remember when we went to go visit your brother?”

“Yeah? I don’t see what this has to do with this?”

“Well, um, remember how I wanted to stay there for a bit longer? I wanted to let him know that you had found someone who loves you a whole lot. And…that I would try to be there for you just as much as he had. It felt like the right thing to do, to let someone who had been there for you through everything to know that you still have a support system.”

“Oh, Dougie,” Eva says softly.

She rests her head on his shoulder and hugs him tightly as she starts crying. Dougie whispers soft nothings into her ear, trying his best to comfort her. They stand there until Eva’s tears stop and she pulls back, rubbing her tears away.

“Sorry for being such a mess,” she whispers.

“You have nothing to apologize for. I know that it’s a hard thing to talk about and I’m sorry if it wasn’t a good time to bring it up.”

“Dougie, you have nothing to apologize for. The fact that you talked with him…that means a lot to me. I know that he’s dead, but…there’s something comforting about knowing that he might know that things are better now. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this safe and happy, and so much of that is because of you. I never could have imagined finding someone like you.”

Dougie gives her a quick kiss before saying, “I don’t like to put too much stock into fate or whatever, but it’s a nice thought that we’ve found each other because it’s what we both needed. Whatever happens next, wherever life takes us next, I can’t wait to do all of it with you by my side.”

“You’re such a fucking sap.”

“Don’t try and deny that you love it, because I know you do.”

“You’re the actual worst,” Eva says, rolling her eyes.

“I love you too, babe,” he replies, smiling widely.

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, I'm sure. When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive--I'll find love again.” Paul Coelho, The Zahir

[bigskydreaming]

Thank you again and still for all the help and support! I really truly can not imagine making it through the past couple days without it, considering I spent most of it awake and in the bathroom puking from the constant migraines that come with your head not being happy about its bones not being in the right place. Stress aggravates them, or at least my awareness of them, and because of how little work there is currently and how expensive being broke and disabled in LA is, let’s just say, there’s been stress, lol.

I’m feeling a bit better today, or at least I’m making myself pretend that and act like that since I’ve got another appointment at that clinic where I get my juicy and tasty IV bags of nutrients pumped into me since I barely even CAN eat, physically, which combined with the lack of sleep and the nausea, like, also not a great combination.

So, I mean it when I say your donations and support have absolutely been invaluable, everything from a couple dollars to an anonymous message, like, its all amazing and appreciated and invaluable. Yeah. I already said that, whoops, anyway, BUT I DIGRESS.

That’s about all of an update I have there, lol, so in other news, I should be around more today since like I said, I’m feeling a bit better and have possibly plateau-ed on this latest pain level. (My super-annoying superpower....ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to adapt to increases in pain like a pro. As in, being able to manage/function despite it. Course, I still feel it, but give me a day or two to adjust to a new norm in how much my body hates me currently, and then I can power through).

So, like I said, I should be around more today, and I’ll probably be random as hell. Like I’ve mentioned before, my blog is where I spew literally everything from inane thoughts to fandom feels, since its like.....my only social outlet these past couple years and the only way I get to interact with people who aren’t doctors. Expect no pattern in topics until I find whatever sticks and keeps me focused on it enough to serve as a distraction from, y’know, the broke body and broke bank account.

SO! Absolutely feel free to hit me up about anything and everything. ESPECIALLY if you’ve made a donation or sent me something. Like, I know some people who have sent money don’t even follow me or know me at all and are just generous spirits who saw my post somewhere, but for any of you who have sent any kind of support just cuz you like, like me and my rambles, lol, totally feel free to drop into my messages even on anon and say what kind of posts or content from me you really engage with and would love to see more of. I can’t make any promises or guarantees, unfortunately, given I didn’t expect or plan on crashing so hard these last couple days, bleh, and just....literally, like, writing more of the kind of stuff or posts people who have helped me stay alive is pretty much the only way I have of kinda giving at least something back, so I mean, I am happy to pounce on anything in that direction. 

Again, just can’t make any guarantees given how unpredictable my life is and depending on how many people send requests or prompts or messages, etc, but I don’t delete anything of that nature and I usually get back around to stuff EVENTUALLY. For instance, I’m REALLY hoping to finish up two one-shots today, one that’s focused on Duke, Dick and Cass from that prompt you sent me a couple weeks ago, @zee-gee, and the other uh.....that umm, TW/X-Men fusion you commissioned way longer ago than my pride will allow me to admit in public @camelotpark, lol. And like, those posts you see me making to @russianspacegeckosexparty about the changelings project I talk about a lot, like.....Adam basically just sends me random thoughts and prompts about it all the time, and its like a running thread that’s easy for me to pick back up and sink into whenever I see a new one in my inbox and I’ve got enough spoons at the moment to dig in.

Also have a couple other things I want to respond to today while I have the energy and a destined-to-be-longer-than-it-needs-to-be meta about Dick’s positioning in narratives with various other characters and WHY I think it so usually works out that way, and I’m aiming to keep that more like....musing-esque than rant-errific, but uh, let’s see how that actually goes, lmfao.

Anyway, that’s what I have in mind for today, aside from my going to get my IV buffet at ten and emailing and calling people from listings about rooms to rent, but tbh, I might just end up being even more random and sporadic than usual, if I can’t focus on any of those long enough to stay sufficiently distracted today. (Like, my other annoying superpower as long-time followers have heard before, is my ridiculously fast metabolism. I know, “oh no, I’m so skinny, poor me,” but like....its never been about weight gain or loss for me, its about how fast my body processes various medications, meaning pretty much every painkiller I’ve ever tried is largely useless to me, or at most wears off in a couple hours.....whereas my ADHD meds actually provide me MORE relief from the pain than any of them. Basically, they let me actually focus on something OTHER than pain and not get interrupted/distracted by the occasional pain spike that likes to remind me its there and wants my attention......so I mean, I still feel everything that comes with my head being physically out of whack, but for the hours vyvanse is working for me, coupled with some heavy duty pain meds, I can like.....just sorta....not care about it for awhile. Like, it hasn’t gone away but its more shoved to the back of my mind at least. And all of that, I’m happy to stuff in a closet whenever I can, lol).

And that’s enough rambles for this post, I think. LOLOLOL, as if I have a quota. But yeah. Just wanted to express how much your support has meant and continues to mean, and like.....I’m still here and alive and crossing fingers that I’ll hear about an actual surgery date soon, but in the meanwhile like......I’m kinda stuck in a perpetual Limbo, one that’s largely confined to whatever is in hobbling distance from my bed of the day, and as much as donations help me physically, in remaining able to at least stay that way, just, any and all interactions on here help by keeping me engaged with the world on at least some level, and make it so I have stuff to think or talk about beyond my own situation and how I’m not a super huge fan of that.

(Okay, I shouldn’t say any and ALL interactions are appreciated, since I have my fun little runs of anon hate in my inbox, but I mean, all of the above is why they’re not really a big deal to me and never have been. Its like, dude, my own body has been trying to take me out for the past three years, and you think a few insults from an anonymous stranger are gonna do the trick? LOLOL, please. Tbh, the only real negative effect anon hate has on me is that it makes me a bit more snappish and quick to assume the worst than I’d like, when people @ me in a way that I misread as aggressive or in bad faith. I’m aware that my day-to-day temperment is a lot more irritable and open to fights than I usually like to be, as self-control is kinda a big deal to me, and my situation and stress and other shit kinda keep me constantly operating at a level best described as itchy, and none of that is an excuse for any times I read an interaction wrong and go for the throat. I just mean like.....I’m a very blunt and straight-forward person, and I do appreciate when people take a similar approach to me as it really helps keep those misreads to a minimum. Any time someone wants to engage with me in some way, I promise I am SO much easier to talk to if you just....put it out there, whatever it is. Its the games people play online (and in real life) that just frustrate the hell out of me and...yeah. Again, I’m not saying any of that as an excuse or a request for a free pass any time I fuck up an interaction or cross a line, I’m just saying, if anyone’s held back on interacting with me because they think I might snap at them or mistake it for them trying to start a fight, like......just be direct with me. Honestly, thats just....always gonna be more productive when it comes to me.)

But yeah. So that’s the current state of me and all that jazz. Again, I so appreciate everything everyone’s done to support me, not just these past couple days but over the course of these past three years as well. I notice and remember all of it, and its why even though I rant and complain and am critical about so much in society and fandoms and all that.....I really truly am a believer in the idea that there’s more good in people and the world than bad, and the bad just tends to be louder is all. It was especially loud for me the last couple days, the volume got way jacked up, but the goodwill from you guys has been more than enough to drown it out and give me some reprieve.

Alright, shutting up now. All done. The end.

[randomoranges]

pseudo companion piece-ish to this fic from last year. it’s sad and moody and maybe a little all over the place but it’s meant to be that way. warning: sad, a character is perceived to be dying, etc.

title comes from “Christmas Calling” and “Same Old Lang Syne” 

Every Moment Your Love is Mine [And we Laughed Until we Cried]

 Edward walks to the kitchen, intent on getting himself a glass of water, but then stills at the sight before him. He freezes, drinking in the scene before him and does his best not to make a sound. Before him, Étienne stands by the large window, nursing what seems like a cup of tea and what really gets to him is the serene and tranquil look on his face. He looks peaceful and at ease and Edward fights against the lump that forms at the back of his throat.

 He’s missed this. He’s missed walking to his kitchen and finding Étienne there. Missed finding traces of his partner in every corner and every room. From the mementos to the maddening about of art supplies he’s always left here and there. These past few months have been hard and lonely and having this one little thing – this one sense of normalcy hits him in the chest and leaves him momentarily breathless.

 (“We don’t know how long this new treatment will work,” The doctor says. “This could only last a few days before the next relapse.”They’re told, but Étienne nods and holds his hand tightly. He doesn’t care, really, so long as he gets to go home. So long as he can be home back in his own environment for a little bit. And Edward agrees. He listens to the doctor, promises he’ll watch Étienne for any signs of distress or whatnot. Signs the discharge papers and authorises the hospital to send out a nurse to come and administer whatever other medication Étienne will need while he’s home.)

 It’s been the worst summer of his entire life and he can’t even imagine how Étienne feels about it. This whole ordeal started just as the seasons had changed and that was when Étienne started complaining about aches, pains, and fatigue that never seemed to go away. He wishes they hadn’t dismissed it at first – wishes they had taken action sooner, but there’s no sense in wasting time over that, not when time is counted.

 The official diagnosis had been a slap to their face, to say the least.

 Edward had thought for sure that they would have some time – before the treatments, before the exile to the hospital, but once they’d called Étienne to pass some tests, they never released him.

 Until now.

 (“This might be his last Christmas,” The doctor tells him, aside, once Étienne has been brought back to his room to change with the help of a nurse. “He’ll have to come back for more tests after the twenty-fifth.” Edwards nods and tries to keep it together. He knows how important it is to Étienne to be home – how much he’s fought to make it happen. Begged the doctor to let him go – to let him be home for Christmas and Edward’s birthday.

 Edward wonders what it means that the doctor agreed. Is it really the treatment that’s given them a reprieve? Or are Étienne’s days really that numbered that he may as well have these last few moments before the final hell ride?

 He doesn’t want to know. Every time he thinks about it, he gets angry. And mad. And sad. And frustrated. And – he has enough to deal with. He doesn’t want to ruin Étienne’s time at home with his own complicated emotions and feelings.

 (Still, he does wonder – he wonders if this couldn’t have been detected sooner. If there hadn’t been some oversight – before, a long time ago – that time when there’d been that scare. That winter where Étienne had been sick through most of it. Where he’d had to rush his then boyfriend to the emergency in the dead of winter and the dark of night. The results had been inconclusive. He’d been sent home with antibiotics and a follow-up appointment. Nothing had ever come of it, but Edward had wondered ever since that terrible day in June if somehow or other, that hadn’t been the true origin of his nightmare.))

 It’ll be different holidays this year. Nothing big or bold or boisterous as they’ve done in the past. Quiet. Tranquil. Just the two of them, really. Maybe Élyse, if Étienne feels up to it. Edward knows that if he asks, Étienne will want to do something bid and bold and boisterous. Throw a party and such. But Edward has heeded the doctor’s warning. Étienne cannot overdo it. Therefore, it’ll be a quiet Christmas. Together.

 They’ve agreed to no gifts this year, but Edward still has a little something he’s been working on since the summer. A photo album of their “greatest hits” as Étienne has called them. Something he can bring back with him to the hospital and peruse on his own. (He may as well be honest with himself. Étienne will be going back. The question is when.) Nothing too extraneous or tiring. Edward knows Étienne’s energy is counted and that the smallest of tasks tire him, but he knows how much Étienne has loved looking back at their photos over the years.

 Étienne looks in his direction, as if sensing his presence and offers him a quiet little smile. It’s a little tired around the edges, but it reaches his eyes and Edward still melts at the sight of it, even all these years later. He steps into the kitchen as Étienne puts his mug down and wraps his arms around Étienne’s frailer frame, but at least he no longer smells like hospital and instead smells of their home and that body wash he’s used for so many years now. It’s that fruity obnoxious thing Edward had never liked, but now he welcomes the smell of it and silently prays he can furrow his face in the crook of Étienne’s neck and smell it for decades to come.

 Étienne gives out a small, content sigh and leans into his partner’s embrace as Edward holds him closer still. He does his best not to come apart and fights with the lump in his throat that threatens his calm demeanor. He cannot break down. He cannot, he cannot, he cannot. He needs to be strong. He needs to keep it together. He needs to be bigger than this whole damned mess, but he shakes and trembles and Étienne brings a gentle hand to his face and caresses his cheek ever so tenderly.

 Edward bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from both yelling and crying and closes his eyes tightly shut. Tries to focus on the sensation of Étienne’s soft but frail hand on his cheek instead. He hates how different Étienne is – hates the dark circles that seem to be permanently etched underneath his eyes. He hates the effects the treatments have had on Étienne’s body – the gauntness of his face and the weight he’s lost. He floats now, in anything and everything that he wears, but Edward still lets him roam the house with whatever oversized sweater of his he decides to abscond with. (At the moment, Étienne seems to have settled for an old favourite; well worn and well loved and even if it falls off a shoulder a bit, he still looks cozy and it warms at something broken inside of Edward.)

 The worst, however – the worst is the hair.

 He’s still not sure who had the bigger reaction to it.

 Edward has always loved Étienne’s hair – has marvelled over the luscious, thick curls of it. The way they fell and bounced back, the way they framed Étienne’s face. It’s brittle and dry now. No longer shiny and short. So short. He’s never known Étienne with hair this short, but he supposes it’s better than before.

 (“Do you want me to shave it?” He’d asked one night he’d visited, “It might lessen the shock – before it falls out completely.”

 Étienne had hesitated and finally said no. He didn’t want to precipitate the inevitable just yet. Wanted to enjoy his curly locks for a little longer, but with the following two days, he’d woken up to find large chunks of it on his pillow.

 The shock had been real. He’d called Edward in a panic, crying on the phone. They’d known it was coming, but despite the warning, Étienne hadn’t thought it would be so much in such a short span.

 “Please,” He had begged, “Can you please just shave the rest off? I can’t – I can’t do this.”

 Edward had been there within the hour. They’d sat together and with a gentle, but trembling hand, he’d shaved the rest of his partner’s hair off. He’d hugged Étienne close afterwards and it was hard to tell who’d been more affected by what had just happened.

 Étienne had refused to wear wigs, afterwards, but he’d greatly accepted all and any hats that had been gifted to him.)

 Edward had hoped he’d get to one day braid Étienne’s hair again. Étienne had teased him and said he’d let his hair grow down to his feet. Edward had laughed, softly, and told him that he’d look good even if he had hair that long. Étienne had called him an old softie and Edward had gathered him in his arms and kissed the top of his hat clad head.

 Even that feels like it happened four different lifetimes ago.

 “Hey,” Étienne says and snaps him back to the present moment, “You’re going to be okay, you know?”

 He’s losing the fight with the storm of emotions raging inside of him. He hates how Étienne keeps saying “you” instead of “we” – as if he knows that – that their unit of we is ending. He doesn’t want it to end. He doesn’t want to accept the fact that it’s ending. It’s too soon. This was not part of their plan. They were meant to have years and decades still. Not days, maybe weeks, maybe months if they are lucky. If he is lucky.

 “Everything is in order. You don’t have to worry about it.” He adds, calmly.

 Even now, Edward refuses to listen – to acknowledge it. He doesn’t like how accepting of the situation Étienne has been. How – pragmatic he’s been. His partner has barely ever been realistic for as long as he’s known him and now, faced with death, he seems to have found a new skill set Edward would rather he trade back. He wants his ambitious and mischievous boyfriend back. He doesn’t want this resigned calm and collected version.

 He remembers how at first, when Étienne had been diagnosed, his partner had asked that they sit down and get their things sorted and he had refused point blank. It was too soon. Too much. Edward had been – overly optimistic, he supposes. Étienne would be fine. He was young, all things considered, he’d be fine. He had to be fine. He would be fine. This was just a blimp – a future anecdote to share at dinner, “hey remember that year you were ill” and such. Not an end to a lifetime spent together.

 Étienne had insisted and Edward had accused him of giving up. Of not wanting to fight. Of abandoning him.

 They had exchanged heated words over it.

 Edward – wasn’t proud of what he’d said. It had not been his greatest moment.

 Luckily, Étienne knew him too well to hold a grudge against him. He recognised instead that it was Edward’s way of coping – of dealing with his own emotions and a visceral reaction to this setback. Étienne had dropped the subject, had given Edward the space he needed to calm down and a week or so later, he’d gently brought it up again.

 He’d agreed, finally, in the end, and they’d sat together and filled every official paper they had to, made arrangements for when the time came, and throughout it all, a part of Edward had shattered each and every time, only for Étienne to put them back together as best he could.

 What was he going to do when he’d be alone?

 What will he do when he’s alone?

 “You’ll be fine,” Étienne reiterates as if reading his mind. “My sweet and brave Eddy,” He says. He looks at him, kind green eyes he already misses and he thinks still, despite it all, that Étienne is beautiful and perfect. And he loves him. So much. Has always loved him. Will always love him and none of this is fair or right.

 (“You’re just saying that,” Étienne tells him one evening, when Edward visits, after work. “I don’t even look like myself.” He says. And it’s true – he doesn’t look like himself, but to Edward, he is perfect. He will always be perfect.

 “You’re still you.” He says. Somehow, Étienne manages to keep his morale. To keep pulling them both through this, but Edward knows that it gets to Étienne as well. There are cracks in his bravery that he hides from Edward. Étienne tries to be strong for Edward, Edward tries to be strong for Étienne, and so the story goes. But Edward has heard him quietly breakdown when he leaves at the end of the night. Has heard a sniffle or two and has found red-rimmed eyes once or twice. He never comments. He knows what Étienne is trying to do and he lets him have this.)

 Edward doesn’t say anything. The lump in his throat gets worse and he feels the hot tears gather and push beyond his scrunched up eyelids. He hides his face in Étienne’s shoulder and prays the tears will wash all of this away – the anger, the hurt, the desperation, and the agony. He wishes for a reset button. Go back in time and fix it. Warn himself. Of what, he’s not sure, but to warn himself. (“Don’t get involved,” He’d tell himself, “It’ll only end in pain.”)

 Still. He knows that even if warned, he’d do it all again. He’d lived through their tumultuous beginnings, the hardships and the heartaches. The fights, the arguments, and the discussions. All the ugly bits they’d gathered over the years. He’d go through all of it, again, willingly, for the nice parts. For the laughter, the passion and the love. It has taken him a while to figure it out – to set themselves on the right path and straighten themselves out. Get their proverbial shit together, so to say. But – they’ve made it work, somehow. Étienne calls it their second act; Edward starts to think of it as their swan song. One last hurrah and such.

 It has been worth it, though. He does not regret Étienne Maisonneuve.

 Never.

 “Don’t leave me, please.” He breaks and muffles through. He shakes and shatters and Étienne holds him tightly. Tighter still. Tight until it near hurts, but Étienne can no longer hurt him. They’re beyond that now. They’ve grown around each other, have learned to side step their thorns and figured out how to thrive together.

 He admits to this – to this fear he’s had since the beginning of this and Étienne wonders if it is a breaking point or a vote of confidence – to confide the fear, to admit to it.

 Étienne doesn’t respond. There isn’t anything to say to that. He doesn’t want to give false hope and he knows Edward won’t sit with none of the sugar coated nonsense. None of the “I’ll always be with you” and the “I won’t be very far” or the “We’ll meet again someday.” He doesn’t and Edward, despite everything, appreciates him more for it. Étienne does however caress his back and this, at least, is something they can still do and something he can still have for a little longer.

 Edward let’s himself be weak and vulnerable, for once. He drops his facade and his pretenses. He lets Étienne comfort him, even though throughout this whole ordeal, he’s kept the strong front and the moral for Étienne. Bu maybe – maybe this is okay as well. Maybe it’s what they need. It’s strange to think that it is Étienne comforting him, when it should be the other way around, but he indulges, knowing he won’t get this forever.

 He tries to focus on something nice and pleasant and settles for the steady beat of Étienne’s heart. He lets it soothe and lull him as it has many times before in the past. It’s his favourite rhythm to listen to now and he tries to get his fill every day. He doesn’t think of how it’ll end soon and instead tells himself that he gets to hear it another time.

 FIN

[megalony]

Family ties- Part 5

This the latest part of my dad! Ben Hardy series which I hope everyone is enjoying so far.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogermeddow @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy

Summary: Ben and (Y/n) were single parents but they are trying to raise their kids together as one big family. Now they’re finally having a baby of their own, but nothing is ever easy in their family.

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sure you don't want to come out tonight?" Ben whispered the words against the shell of (Y/n)'s ear before he tipped his head down and pressed a gentle kiss just below her ear against her neck. He held his phone out in his left hand so she could see the rather bright screen, feeling his other hand resting firmly on her hip as he pressed his chest up against her back.

(Y/n) squinted her eyes a little so she could look at his phone, already knowing who it was that he was texting and preparing to meet up with tonight. She smiled at the text he had been sent which asked 'is the Mrs is coming tonight' which James picked up from Ben. Ben seemed to subconsciously refer to (Y/n) by saying 'the Mrs' if she wasn't there and it was rather sweet, even if they weren't technically married yet. It was a term that James now used a lot when referring to (Y/n) or to his own girlfriend.

"No thanks. Besides, I can't drink, I'm not bringing your bladdered ass back home." Her words were playful and there was no annoyance in them but there was a hint of truth. (Y/n) wouldn't be able to drink and even though Ben was heading out with two friends for a meal, there would be drinking taking place. She wouldn't have as much fun if they were all drinking and she wasn't and she would be the taxi service that got a drunken Ben back home safely.

"You weren't complaining last time." Ben slipped his phone back into his pocket, hitting her thigh playfully before he rested both hands on her hips.

"Alright, well thanks for the offer but I'll stay home this time." (Y/n) turned her head to the left to look back at Ben but soon found his lips pressing against her own. She quickly set down the cup in her hand so she didn't spill its contents all over the kitchen counter as she felt her skin heating up like she was sitting on the stove. Her chest seemed to jump and flutter when she felt Ben's teeth nipping at her lower lip, the action making her mind go blank and forget where they were for a few seconds.

Pulling back, (Y/n) darted her eyes around for a second before she pressed a small kiss to the corner of Ben's lips. Shaking her head when he leaned closer, clearly thinking that kiss simply wasn't enough.

"No, if my mum walks in..." She trailed off but her meaning was clear. There was nothing wrong with Ben being affectionate, it was who he was and he didn't care who was watching, but (Y/n) did. She was fine with affection in public and behind closed doors, but not in front of her mum. The last time it had been awkward for everyone except Ben who simply smirked like he had gotten away with a crime.

"What, she'll get jealous?" He joked, quickly reaching his arms out to pull (Y/n) back against his chest when she went to walk over to the fridge.

A groan passed through her lips as she tipped her head back against his shoulder. She leaned up and kissed his rather dark rouge lips before breaking from his hold just as Ellie trotted into the room along with (Y/n)'s mother just behind her.

"Daddy..." Ellie held her arms out to Ben the moment he turned around, standing on her tiptoes as she clearly wanted the kind of attention that (Y/n) was getting. If she ever saw Ben with his arms around (Y/n), the little girl assumed she should have the same kind of affection and wouldn't leave Ben's side until she got it.

"There's my princess, you'll give me a kiss won't you?" Ben reached down and effortlessly hoisted Ellie from her feet, sitting her on his hip as she quickly locked her arms around Ben's neck so she could pull his head closer to kiss him. She nuzzled her face against his cheek but started to giggle and squirm in his arms when he peppered kisses over her cheeks to make her smile.

"Go and sit down, dinner won't be long." (Y/n) rolled her eyes but smiled anyway, giving Ben a small nudge in the direction so he'd head into the dining room where the boys were. They were having dinner at (Y/n)'s parent's house today before Ben headed out with James and a few others for a drink and a catch-up. It was nice for them all to be out of the house other than for work or school, (Y/n) was beginning to get rather annoyed, staring at the same walls every day.

Since everything with the baby, they seemed to have been so busy yet they didn't really go anywhere at the same time. They were busy going to work or looking after the kids but they always seemed to be stuck in one place. Breaking that cycle felt nice, (Y/n) wanted to come round and see her or Ben's parents and feel like everything was back to normal. She didn't want to have to think about the constant hospital appointments that were always nagging at the back of her head.

She didn't want to look down at her baby bump and think about the damage that was being caused to her boy's heart. She just wanted to look at her bump and imagine the perfect little boy that they were going to have in four months' time.

"So... how are you?"

(Y/n) turned her head to lock eyes with her mother who seemed like she was trying to smile but didn't know whether she should or if she even could when it was clear what subject she was referring to. The subject (Y/n) didn't want to get into. She managed a smile in her mother's direction before she looked down at the plates she was getting out of the cupboard, counting to make sure that she had seven.

"I'm fine, are you and dad okay?" (Y/n) knew diverting the subject wasn't going to work with her mum but it was worth a try. She wanted just one family dinner where nothing went wrong. Every time either the kids got into a fight or weren't feeling well or someone was grumpy or annoyed or an argument started over the smallest thing and (Y/n) didn't want that.

She loved her parents and got along so well with them and Ben got on great with them too. They took Hugo and Cody in as their own grandkids and treated them as if (Y/n) really was their mother. They all got along amazing and family dinners were usually nice and loving until something sparked and went wrong.

When (Y/n) and Ben told her parents about the baby's condition it was very apparent that her mother didn't think going through with the pregnancy was a good idea. Ever since then, she checked in to see how they were doing, but it always felt odd. (Y/n) wanted this pregnancy to be normal, when she had Ellie it was fine but it was sometimes awkward because there was no one by her side through it. She thought this time with her and Ben being happy and together, it would be how she always imagined having a baby would be.

(Y/n) thought her parents would be happy and talking about the new arrival and everyone would be fine. She didn't imagine that each time the baby was brought up, the subject of if they would be okay or if they would survive or have a normal life would be coming up.

It hurt but it was the truth, it was a reality that (Y/n) didn't want but had to face.

"You know what I mean, are you holding up okay?" Andrea rested a hand on her hip as she leaned her head to the side, sympathy on her features that (Y/n) didn't want. It wasn't as if they had lost the baby, their boy was still here and growing and they intended to keep it that way.

"I'm okay, mum, really. The doctor said his heartbeat is fine and he's okay, everything's alright." (Y/n) rubbed her hand over her stomach for a moment as she let her own words sink in. It wasn't as if they were waiting for her to miscarry or for the baby to suddenly be ill or to have something else wrong with him. His heart was in the wrong place but he was growing perfectly well otherwise and his heart was fine in itself. (Y/n) didn't want to feel like everyone had to walk on eggshells around her.

"But he's not okay, is he?"

"Don't." (Y/n) shook her head, not sparing her mother a glance as she busied herself setting the plates out on the counter so she could start dishing up dinner whether her mother helped or not. She didn't want this conversation and she was going to try her best not to have it.

She shivered when she heard and felt her mother sigh, it was as if she thought (Y/n) had lost the baby but wasn't trying to come to terms with it. The baby was here and he was okay as far as anyone was concerned.

"(Y/n), I don't think you've thought this through enough. A newborn baby going through heart surgery doesn't sound favourable, does it? How would he cope with that kind of trauma less than a day old, would it even work? I know you want this baby, God, I want this baby for you too, but I don't want to see you breakdown if it doesn't work out." Andrea wrapped her arm around (Y/n)'s shoulders but (Y/n) froze and turned stiff as stone.

She understood what her mother was saying, she truly did because she had had those thoughts herself. It would be a lot to put the baby through because they would need a big surgery and if they were born early or were weak or their heart was unstable or not beating properly then it wouldn't work out well. There were so many risk factors that meant the operation wouldn't work or would have less chance of working. But it was a risk (Y/n) and Ben both wanted to take. They wanted to give their baby a chance and he would be under anaesthetic the whole time, he wouldn't be in pain or know what was going on so it wasn't unethical to try and give him a chance at life.

(Y/n) would rather face the pain of knowing she had tried and failed rather than simply giving up without seeing it through.

"I've thought of nothing else, mum, and I know what I'm doing."

"Just... remember that it's not too late to change your mind, you can still decide you don't want to do this there's no shame in that. It's not wrong or cruel-"

Tears started to well in (Y/n)'s eyes as she bit down on her lip to stop herself from crying. She knew it wasn't wrong because it was her choice to make and she knew it wasn't shameful or cruel but to (Y/n), it felt wrong and harsh and awful. It made her feel heartless to consider having an abortion to simply try for a baby in a year or two when they had one right now. She had a stable relationship, a family, a home, financial stability and a lot of love to have this baby, she and Ben had all they needed and getting rid of him just because he wasn't well felt like she was a monster to consider it.

"Why does everyone think it's wrong to keep him?" (Y/n)'s voice cracked as she grabbed one of the pans from the cooker and threw it down onto the counter causing water to spit from the sides of the pan.

"It's not wrong, it's risky and sometimes the risks aren't worth it-"

"He's worth it to me!" The words snapped through the air like the jaw of a crocodile as (Y/n) felt herself shaking from the sudden rush of adrenaline coursing through her blood. It wasn't a risk for anyone else but (Y/n) and Ben to take, this was their life and their child and if they wanted to take this risk then that's what they were going to do. They didn't need everyone crowding around and telling them that they shouldn't be taking the risk or that it was stupid or wrong and (Y/n) was sick of it.

A round of curse words passed through (Y/n)'s lips when the plate she picked up dropped from her shaking hand and smashed against the tiled floor at her feet. Without thinking, (Y/n) went down on her knees and started to grab the shattered fragments that resembled how her heart felt.

"Babe, leave it, let me do that." Ben's voice barely registered in (Y/n)'s ears as he appeared behind her and her mother stood in front of her with a dustpan and brush to get the various sized fragments of the plate. Crouching down, Ben slipped his hands under (Y/n)'s arms before slowly standing back up and pulling her to her feet so she didn't have the risk of cutting herself on a sharp edge.

"I'm fine-"

"No, you're not, go sit down." Ben pressed one hand to the small of her back, guiding her to walk around the broken pieces before he knelt down again. Ben took the dustpan and brush from Andrea and started to clean up all the pieces that he could see.

When it was all cleared up, Ben put the broken pieces in the bin before slipping his hand into (Y/n)'s and pulling her with him out of the way.

"Are you okay?" (Y/n) managed to nod in response before she leaned forward and pressed her face into his chest, feeling his arms enveloping around her frame as she already knew he had heard at least half of that conversation. Enough for him to know what they had been arguing about anyway. "There's no point in getting upset, babe. We know what we want to do and he's staying here with us, it's all okay. Come on, I'm starving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner wasn't awkward, but it did feel different. It felt like (Y/n) didn't know what to say to her mother anymore and likewise, her mother felt and knew that she had touched a nerve. But none of the kids seemed to realise there was a slight atmosphere and that made it a lot easier since they always steered the direction of the conversations at any time.

Turning her head to the right, (Y/n) moved Cody's fork to try and get his attention back to eating since he had stopped for a while without really eating that much to begin with. His blue eyes darted up to look at her before he slowly took the fork and started to eat again as if just realising he was still hungry.

"Hugo, slow down please." Ben mumbled the words in Hugo's ear before giving him a certain look that the eldest seemed to ignore. It was no secret that Hugo had a big appetite despite being rather skinny but he went into stages of eating rather slowly or eating too quickly like he was right now. Sometimes it was because he wanted to go and watch tv or play a game or they had somewhere to be but he just seemed hungry today but if he carried on he would make himself ill like he had done before.

Ben looked back to his own plate before his eyes fell on (Y/n)'s dad who started up a new topic of conversation. Since they only had six seats at the table and there was seven of them, Ben had Ellie on his lap which would have happened whether there was another seat for her or not.

He kept one arm around Ellie's middle and with his other hand, he held his fork out to her to try and get her to eat some more. Ellie was a very fussy eater and she didn't tend to eat a lot either, Ben or (Y/n) always had to constantly pester her to eat something or finish her food or bribe her to eat her dinner. The little girl was slouched on his lap looking like she was about to fall asleep but she opened her mouth anyway and ate the piece of carrot he held out to her.

Ben didn't really mind sitting and feeding her like she was a baby again, if it got her to eat something he didn't care.

Reaching across the table, (Y/n) grabbed the glass jug resting in the centre of the rectangular table and started to pour herself a drink. Leaning back in her chair, (Y/n) felt her spine clicking back into place as she took a sip of her drink, smiling at Cody when he looked up at her, finally eating his food at a steady pace.

(Y/n) slouched in her chair a little to ease the pressure on her back as she started to rub her hand over her stomach since she was now finished with her dinner. Her eyes looked over at Ben, feeling slightly bad for him since he still had about half of his dinner to finish since he had taken up having to feed Ellie's food to her and was switching between eating his own and feeding her.

But her eyes widened as she quickly pushed herself up in her seat when her eyes glanced down the table to Hugo.

"Oh God, Ben he's choking!" She reached her hand out and pushed Ben by his arm to grab his attention. He seemed displeased about being pushed but when he looked at his eldest he started to panic.

Hugo had pushed his chair back but he was leaning over the table with a hand pressed against his throat and his mouth open but no words or breaths left his lips. A gagging sound escaped his mouth as he seemed to cough, his chest convulsing as his eyes were wide, his pupils enlarged from the fright he was clearly feeling.

"Shit!"

Slipping his hands under Ellie's arms, Ben stood to his feet and sat Ellie down in his place before he stood next to Hugo. He pulled the chair back a bit more so he could reach over and stand Hugo to his feet but the eldest quickly doubled over as he started to both gag and gasp since he wasn't able to breathe hardly at all. He was shaking as tears were beginning to fall from his eyes, his nails scratching against his throat that felt like it was swelling like he was having an allergic reaction.

Ben turned Hugo so his back was turned to him and he kept one hand on Hugo's shoulder before taking a deep breath. He bent his hand back so the heel of his hand was pushed out and he forced his hand upwards in between Hugo's shoulder blades to try and kickstart his lungs and dislodge whatever he was choking on. He repeated the action again, refraining from using his full force because he knew he would definitely bruise the eldest boy but it wasn't working.

"Ben you'll hurt him." (Y/n) panicked, wincing when Ben tried again to hit him between the shoulders but all it did was cause Hugo to topple over and reach out onto the table for support.

"He's choking I can't be gentle." Ben bit back with a look of worry in his eyes. He would rather bruise Hugo and get him breathing than try and be gentle and waste more time with him not being able to take in a proper breath. Ben was trying to hold back but he couldn't try and hit him with little impact or he would be wasting his time.

Reaching his hands out for Hugo, Ben pulled him back towards him and wrapped his arms under Hugo's arms. He tucked his thumb into his fist and wrapped his right hand around his left fist, tilting his head over Hugo's shoulder so he could see whereabouts his stomach was so he didn't hurt him.

Ellie whined and Cody snapped his eyes closed when Ben jabbed his hand into Hugo's stomach to try and wind him to push the air up into his throat so he could breathe again. Ben felt Hugo grabbing at his arms for something to hold onto, he could feel his son's short nails digging into his arms as if for stability.

When Ben forcefully pulled his hands into Hugo's stomach which almost lifted the eight-year-old from his feet, Hugo's head snapped forward as he gagged, coughing up whatever he had choked on. Ragged breaths escaped his very pale lips as his head hung down, his hands still gripping onto Ben for dear life as he couldn't seem to gain enough breath back. Ben held Hugo to his chest, keeping his arms wrapped around him for a few moments as he tried to gain his own breath back which had been stolen from him.

His head tilted down when Hugo seemed to flop forward like a rag doll but the slight confusion Ben felt disappeared when he heard Hugo heaving, throwing up what he had managed to eat before he choked.

"Well done... are you alright mister?" (Y/n)'s dad nodded at Ben before he leaned to try and see Hugo but the young boy was still leaning over Ben's arm, unsure if he was going to be sick again or not.

"S-sorry." Hugo coughed quietly, feeling his bruised stomach churning as he wasn't sure if he was going to heave again or not.

"It's alright. Buddy, do you want me to take you to the toilet?" Ben leaned his head to the side to try and look at Hugo, knowing it might be best to take him upstairs to the toilet so he could calm down and be sick there if he felt he was going to heave again. But Ben didn't get an answer, he sighed when he felt Hugo suddenly go limp in his arms, the lack of oxygen and the shock causing him to faint.

Crouching down, Ben turned Hugo around in his arms and picked him up before he stood to his full height again with his eldest laid limp in his hold.

"I'll go take him upstairs and get him cleaned up." Ben managed a weak smile before he turned and walked out of the room with Hugo in his arms. The bathroom would be colder than the dining room, that would help make Hugo feel a bit better and if he needed to be sick when he came back around then it would be better to be sick i the toilet. Ben could also clean him up whilst he was out cold.

"I'm finished." Ellie muttered as she pushed her plate away, her baby blue eyes looking up at (Y/n) as she had a look of distaste on her features that made (Y/n) smile.

[hms-chill]

Everything’s Bigger

Epilogue

The next year goes in stages.

First, there's physical therapy, a stage of tears and frustration. Henry's there for every appointment, learning how he can help and doing whatever he can to comfort Alex. He starts holding Skype calls at all hours to avoid crossing an ocean while his boyfriend is healing, and he manages to stay in New York, helping Alex move his arm and making sure he doesn't push too hard. There are days when Alex can't move his arm at all without tears, and Henry is there to help him go as far as he can and to cuddle him afterwards. Those days are replaced by days where they're pushing to get the arm to shoulder height, and when Alex can consistently get it that high, they get ice cream. Alex complains that it's a stupid milestone to celebrate, but Henry won't hear it. They celebrate every little milestone until the end of Alex's physical therapy, when Henry treats him to a nice dinner out, and Alex thanks him for being there through everything with a home cooked meal the next night.

Next, there's what Henry privately dubs the babysitting stage. It's the period between the sling coming off at the end of physical therapy and Alex being declared fully better, when Henry's job shifts from managing a charity to managing his tornado of a boyfriend, making sure Alex doesn't re-fracture his shoulder. Alex seems to believe he's fully healed the moment the sling comes off. He insists that he's totally capable of carrying an absurdly heavy backpack all day until he comes home with it slung over his good shoulder and can barely put it on the next day. Then he promises that it doesn't bother him with donors and congresspeople and senators pat his bad shoulder, until Henry presses a kiss to it that night and even that light of a touch nearly reduces him to tears. It's a terrifying few weeks of ice packs and massages, of worried check ups and ibuprofen before Henry helps him figure out what he can actually do, what he can do if he's not doing anything the next day, and when he needs to wear the sling to make sure other people leave him alone. The bad days get less and less frequent, though, and eventually, they get an all clear from his doctor. They celebrate with a movie night at the Brooklyn youth shelter, cuddled up and surrounded by kids they've helped together.

The clean bill of health is followed by weeks apart. Almost as soon as Alex is deemed medically healthy, Henry is whisked back across the ocean to take care of all the things he's been putting off while Alex healed. It's debatably the hardest part of the year, when he's worried about Alex's shoulder and mental health and there's nothing he can do. Eventually, Christmas comes. Henry has a big Christmas Eve dinner with his whole family in London, a Christmas brunch with his mom and Bea, and he and Shaan are on a plane headed for DC long before his grandmother starts her speech.

Alex and Zahra meet them at the airport, and Henry can hug Alex as hard as he wants, and Alex can hug back just as hard, and that in itself feels like a Christmas miracle. Alex shoves a mess of a Christmas jumper over Henry's head, and Henry laughs, overjoyed to be back together. Christmas with Alex's family is civil, and Henry sticks around after to help finalize plans for the Young Americans Gala. Pez and Bea fly over for the party, and though Henry does have to go back with them a few days later, he leaves with the confidence that Alex is doing okay. He'd spent far too much of the party bragging about how he'd saved James Bond's son, the prince of England, for Henry to be too worried.

It's just after Alex's birthday that the final phase of the year, the begging and planning, really starts. They're in bed together when Henry's fingers find the two puckered scars in Alex's shoulder, and he traces them gently, asking, "Alex, are you awake? What... have you thought at all about going back to Austin for pride this year?"

"That would be perfect."

-

And so, a little over two months later, Henry finds himself stepping off a plane into Alex's arms and the Texas summer heat. They're back. They're on a float again, but this time, it's not just them. Bea and June refused to let them go alone, and Nora and Pez refused to be left behind, so all six of them are here, piling into a van in a mess of rainbows and body glitter and Cash's sunscreen.

"You doing okay?" Henry asks Alex as they get a second, and Alex nods, rubbing his shoulder absently.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Great. We're back in Austin, and we get to go to pride with everyone; it's going to be great."

"It will be. We'll be okay, Alex. Promise."

Alex smiles, pulling Henry into a hug as they get downtown and the energy shifts. The parade meeting ground is hectic, but it's a contagiously electric energy, and Henry can feel the fear start to slowly drain out of them both. By the time they're on their float and moving, they're all a mess of massive grins and bigger cheers.

The parade itself is a blur, but a few things stand out. Henry sees two women with twin girls on their shoulders, one moving forward so her daughter can tip a drag queen. There are kids with pride flags painted on their faces showing their parents around, and there are queer people old enough to be their grandparents who get to celebrate like everyone else. But what stands out the most is the moment they approach the turn where everything fell apart last year. Alex tenses up a bit, and Henry moves closer to him on instinct. But then the others are there, too, crowding close as they turn the corner to see a sea of rainbow and be hit with a wall of cheers, accompanied by more sings than anywhere else on the route: "Austin strong, Austin proud!" "We love our first kids" "Alex I'm so f**king proud of you!" "Henry, Prince of my heart!"

Alex is crying as Henry hugs him, but he's laughing, too, and looking out over the crowd to be sure he doesn't miss a second of it. Henry sees Bea and June filming both sides of the street as Nora and Pez shout thank yous and throw pride flags into the crowd. Henry and Alex just soak it all in, holding each other and beaming into the crowd. Alex raises a fist, extending his pointer finger and pinky in a "hook 'em horns" salute, and Henry follows suit. The crowd cheers, mirroring them, and Alex whoops so loudly, Henry's sure it carries over to Louisiana just to spite anyone who might try to shut them up.

From the end of the parade route, it's a short walk to their last scheduled stop for the day. It's a gorgeous Victorian building in Central Austin, bought eleven months ago and newly renovated with the donations that flooded in after their catastrophe. They've got a ribbon cutting ceremony for the newest Okonjo Foundation youth shelter, located close to public transit and the University of Texas campus, and incredibly near and dear to both their hearts. They cut the ribbon together, each holding one handle of the oversized scissors and throwing the doors open together to welcome the staff inside. If it's anything like the other shelters, they'll have kids there by that night, and they'll most likely come back to welcome them in person.

Once the shelter's open, they and their friends get to just enjoy pride. They get sno cones and watch drag shows, and they meet up with Liam and Spencer for a bit, and really, it matters less what they do and more that they're doing it at all, surrounded by people who are celebrating their love.

Over dinner at Alex’s favorite Austin restaurant, they all curate instagram posts together. Henry has a few photos of himself and Alex at the ribbon cutting, captioned with a paragraph about how he's so proud of Alex, the foundation, and the city of Austin and how thankful he is to be able to be a part of something like this. Nora's got one of herself, June, and Pez, lipstick stains on both her cheeks, and Pez has one of the three of them sharing a massive rainbow sno cone and sticking out tongues dyed various different colors. June's post is a photo of herself and Alex, a caption about how she's infinitely proud of him and overjoyed to be celebrating in their hometown, and Bea has a similar post about Henry and how proud she is of him, accompanied by a photo of them together in front of the youth shelter.

Alex's post takes the longest, but eventually, he settles on a photo of himself and Henry from behind, "Hook 'em Horns" raised to an overjoyed crowd. It's followed by Bea's and June's videos of the crowd along that stretch and captioned, "a massive, Texas-sized thank you, Austin! Thank you for standing up to hate, and staying loud and proud, and for helping make a hard memory a million times better. Y'all have shown me and my family so much love, and I can't imagine a better city to come home to."

On AO3

Notes:

It's done! I did it! Now I need to do actual Real Life Work (research into queer history) (also job hunting) for like a week, but I've got a few requests to finish up once that's done! I should be back soon; my research is due the 6th :)

[iliketowrite1996]

Next Step

Part 9/10 of singledad!SteveRogersx singlemom!reader series

1:https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/614617294578089984/his-best-girlPart 2: https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/614969499334197248/meet-the-music-teacher

3: https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/616114724817584128/lunch-buddies

4:https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/616328582794493952/why-not

Part 5: https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/616965238563192832/blind-dates-part-1-sneak-peek

Part 6: https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/617069920649412608/blind-dates-part-2

Part 7:https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/617392023489609728/as-a-friend

Part 8:https://iliketowrite1996.tumblr.com/post/617578406591299585/where-does-that-leave-us

TRIGGER WARNINGS AND THEMES- heartache, pregnancy, mentions of pregnancy, death during labor, reliving the pass, loss of loved one, death, labor complications,

Three  years later

   ‘’Olivia! Open the bathroom door! Other people have to get in there!’’

   ‘’Just a second!’’

   ‘’This is your fault. ‘They can share a bathroom’, you said. ‘It will help them get along’, you said. Now, look at them. Fighting and it’s not even seven in the morning yet.’’

   ‘’Please, honey,’’ Steve sighs, getting out of bed to go break up the fight, it’s too late for this.

   If anybody had told you five years ago that this would be your life now, you never would have believed them. Nope, not one little bit. But here you are now, married to Steve Rogers, the love of your life.

   After two and a half years of dating, Steve Rogers proposed to you. You were married a year later. After getting married, you both decided that it was time to find a new place. He left his apartment, you left yours, and now the two of you are paying off a house in New Jersey. You now teach music at the high school down the street, and Steve teaches art at the elementary school about three blocks away.

   To an outsider,it may seem that your families blended together easily. However, that was not always the case. There was a bit of resistance from Jasmine when you first told the duo that the two of you planned to be married, if they were both okay with that.

   Jasmine had always appreciated the idea of having a stepmother in theory. When presented with it becoming a reality, though, she fretted- what if her dad didn’t have time for her anymore? What if you came in and changed everything? What if Steve forgot all about her mother and did not talk about her anymore.

   ‘’Oh, Jazzy,’’ you’d pulled her in for a hug, pressing a kiss to her head, ‘Sweetheart, I’m not here to replace your mom. I love your dad, and I love you like I love Livvy. That’s all. I’m here to love you.’’

   Since then, she’s gotten closer to you. You take her with you when you treat Livvy to a girls’ day, she asks your opinion on fashion,and she comes to you when she’s hurt.  Last year, it was because someone else beat her out for the glee club solo at her middle school. Two years ago, you can remember her bawling when she found out Peter had a new girlfriend, her crush on him one of the most important things in her life at the time. You'd done what you always do- listen, comfort, protect.

   And though she knows you’ll never replace her mom, Jasmine has come to see you as the mother figure Steve always wanted for her. You were there for her first cycle, her first heartache, and now her first day of high school.

   Now, it seems, you have to top her from hurting her step sister, who is more than likely getting on her nerves for her to even be talking to someone this early in the morning.

   ‘’I’m right behind you,’’ you report, grabbing your robe and pulling it on over your nightgown, ready to see what all of the fuss is about.

   ‘’Alright, what’s going on here,’’ Steve questions as the two of you round the corner to your daughters shared bathroom, where Jasmine is practically scowling at the door.

   ‘’She’s gonna use up all the hot water! What’s she in there so long, for, anyway?’’

   ‘’I need privacy! Nobody complains when you spend hours in here!’’

   ‘’Livvy, Jazzy, stop yelling. It’s too early on a Saturday morning for all that,’’ you reprimand, to which Jasmine huffs.

   ‘’Lose the attitude, young lady,’’ Steve speaks sternly, causing Jasmine to sigh.

   ‘’Sorry,’’ she apologized begrudgingly, ‘’But I have to be at the high school at eight. Freshman orientation is today!’’

   Steve shakes his head a bit, before looking to you, ‘’Should we just let her use our bathroom?’’

   ‘’If it will make this end, yes,’’you agree before looking at your bonus daughter, ‘’Go use our bathroom, hun. But hurry up. I have to get ready for my doctor’s appointment.’’

   ‘’Thank you, you guys are the best,’’ Jasmine grins before zipping pass the two of you, heading for the bathroom connected to you and Steve’s room.

   ‘’Oh the joys of raising a teenager and an eight-year-old who are already at each other's throat.’’

   ‘’Steve, your sarcasm is no longer appreciated. I’m going to go get breakfast. See if you can get Livvy out of there.’’

   As soona s you have turned the corner, Steve knocks again.

   ‘’Livvy, if you don’t come out, I’m going to stay here and talk. And I can talk, all day, too. I can stand here and talk, and-’’

   Olivia opens the door then, looking up at Steve with a raised eyebrow, peering at him through her glasses, ‘’What’s up?’’

   ‘’Not much. I mean… I don’t know. I’m nervous.’’

   ‘’Nervous about what,’’ Steve questions, watching his step daughter sit on the floor outside of the bathroom before joining her, leaning against the wall the same way that she does.

   ‘’I really don’t want to go to fourth grade. All of my friends are going to third grade. I won’t know anyone!’’

   Olivia has, in the past few years, excelled in math,science, and Language Arts. All of this has led to her being able to skip third grad, going straight to the fourth grade.

   ‘’Ohh, I see. And now your stomach is upset, right?’’

   One of Olivia’s nervous habits is that her stomach does flips whenever she is nervous, angry, or upset. Right now, Steve can only imagine that her stomach is doing somersaults.

   ‘’I’ll be the youngest. I don’t know how I feel about that,’’ the eight-year-old amits, ‘’I don’t want to be known as the ‘weird smart girl’ again. I just want to be Olivia.’’

   Steve ponders how to respond before he does. Getting to know Olivia these past few years has allowed him to see that she needs that Whereas Jasmine is impatient, Olivia is practical. Sometimes Steve forgets that she is only eight, not eighteen, not eighty. SHe carries herself much like you- head lifted up, carefully analyzing all options before picking as solution to any situation.

   ‘’Well, who is Olivia,’’ he questions, to which the young girl looks up at him as if he’s not making any sense, ‘’I mean how would you describe yourself?’

   ‘’My name is Olivia,’’ she yet again raises an eyebrow, looking so much like you, ‘’You’ve known me for three years.’’

   ‘’Your Olivia, and what else?’’

`    ‘’I am Olivia Reed, and I’m eight years old. I like cats, computers, and reading. I like to collect rocks, I like to learn. I’m… I’m strong…’’

   ‘’You are strong, beautiful, and smart, Olivia. You don’t have to just label yourself as ‘That smart kid’, because that is only one part of who you are. Do you think of Jasmine as just your sister?’’

   ‘’No,’’ Olivia shrugs, ‘’She’s smart, she’s fashionable, she’s pretty. She likes to sing and she likes to make new outfits.’’

   ‘’What about your mom?’’

   ‘’Mommy is sunshine,’’ Olivia pipes up without hesitation, ‘’She is smart, too. She is strong. She is always there for me. She is gorgeous.’’    

   ‘’And you are all of that, too. Now, let’s go. Last one to the kitchen gets the burnt waffles.’’

   Olivia giggles then, sliding into the kitchen with Steve, their socks nearly stopping them from making a smooth stop.

   ‘’Nobody better knock a tooth out,’’ you mumble, placing the finished waffles on a plate, ‘’Sit down and eat.’’

   ‘’Why don’t you go get our clothes out for your doctor’s appointment? If you drop Jazzy off at the high school, I can take Livvy school supply shopping. I’ll even get what’s on Jasmine's list, too.’’

   ‘’That’d be great,’’you sigh, looking at the clock, ‘’Okay, Iam going to get ready.’’

   As soon as you leave the room, Steve turns to Olivia, ‘’What do you say we make dinner tonight? Momma seems a it worn out so we can help her out.’’

   ‘’Sounds like a plan,’’ Olivia speaks from where she is pouring syrup over her waffles, ‘’I like it.’’

   ‘’Good,’’ Steve takes two glasses from the cabinet and places the orange juice on the table, ‘’Go ahead and eat. We can get an early start as soon as Jasmine and your mom leave.’’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   ‘’I will see you in a few hours,’’ you press a kiss to Steve’s lips before bending to give Olivia a kiss on the forehead, ‘’Be sweet. I love you both.’’

   ‘’I love you, too,’’ Jasmine informs as she rushes out the door, you following closely behind.

   ‘’You’ve never been on time for anything, Jasmine. Not unless your dad was involved,’’ you smirk when she snorts out a laugh, ‘’You know I’m right.’’

   ‘’I know,’’ she shrugs, ‘’But I really want to get there and observe what’s going on before things start,’’ Jasmine tells you, ‘’To see what it’s like. And, because, well, I am impatient.’’

   You shake your head fondly at your step daughter, heading into the parking garage and to your car. The ride is obviously quick, and you inform her that you’ll be back together when it ends at 11.

   ‘’If my doctor appointment is running over, I will let your dad know. See you later, Jasmine.’’

   ‘’Bye,’’ she waves as she exits the car, ‘’Love you.’’

   ‘’I love you, too.’’

   And your heart is so warm at how true it is.

   With that, you’re off to your doctor’s appointment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   ‘’You do not need three packs of pencils. It says open.’’

   ‘’Yes, that is what it says, but I don’t want to be that person without a pencil because they weren’t prepared when they could have been, ‘’ Olivia insists, and Steve just sighs before motioning for her to drop her items into their basket, ‘’While you’re at it, please get your sister two packs of blue and black ink pens.’’

   ‘’Alright,’’ Olivia agrees before moving slightly down the aisle, grabbing the packs of pins as Steve grabs five notebooks for Jasmine and five for Olivia.

   ‘’Excuse me, would you mind just handing me about three notebooks,’’ a stranger speaks behind him, and Steve grabs three without thinking so that he can hand them to her.

   ‘’Here you are… Sharon? Sharon Carter?’’

   Standing before him is Sharon Carter, the woman who so willingly gave up her relationship with him so that he could be happy with you- the woman he really wanted to be with.

   ‘’Steve! I haven’t seen you in forever,’’ she grins at him tucking blonde tresses behind her ears, ‘’How have you been?’’

   ‘’I’ve been great. Wow, I haven’t seen you since you moved from our apartment complex. How have you been?’’

   ‘’Busy,’’ she rolls her eyes good naturedly, ‘’I went back to school. I’m actually here to get supplies for the new semester. How have you been?’’

   ‘’I got the pens and I got highlighters!,’’ Olivia bounces over, dropping the new found objects into the basket, ‘’Can I go look at the bookbags?’’

   ‘’Hang tight, Livvy. I’ll go with you in a second. Oh, um, Sharon, this is my step daughter, Olivia. Olivia, this is Sharon. She, uh…

   ‘’Steve and I used to be neighbors,’’ Sharon reaches a hand out for the eight-year-old ,’’Hi, it’s so nice to meet you.’’

   ‘’It is nice to meet you, too,’’ Olivia nods.

   ‘’So well mannered,’’ Sharon compliments before looking at Steve, ‘’This is her daughter… so I guess things worked out, huh?’’

   ‘’They did. Tremendously well,’’ Steve confesses, ‘’Thanks to you.’’

   ‘’Don’t thank me, Steve. I heard you’d gotten married from Tony, but I didn’t know if I should reach out to you. I am glad that it worked out for you.’’

   ‘’Thank you, Sharon. You have no idea what that means to me. Um, I have to find the school supply shopping so we can complete our errands. I’ll see you around?’’

   ‘’Sure. Bye, Steve. It was nice to meet you, Olivia.’’

   ‘’Nice to meet you, too.’’

   With one last glance and a girl, Steve leaves the aisle, taking Olivia to look at the bags.

   And leaving Sharon with comfort that she really did do the right thing three years ago.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   What Steve will never know so that, when Sharon gets home that afternoon, she'll head straight for a box hidden in the closet. She’ll pull out a box of pictures from college, and leaf through them before landing on one of her first college roommates- Petra Allen.

   Petra and Sharon had a friendship that she can’t actually describe in words. They talked, they texted, but they weren’t close. She knew Petra had gotten married via social media, and had sent her a message to congratulate her. This had led to them talking for a few hours, vowing to keep in touch.

   Then when Petra passed away…

   Yeah.

   She’d forgotten about Steve,actually. Not even him mentioning Petra’s name brought anything up.It wasn’t until about a month that they broke up that she even remembered this conversation with Petra, and felt a bit uneasy at the fact that she’d wanted to be with Steve.

   But there’s a bit of comfort to her, now. Where she’s glad it didn’t work out with her and Steve, as she looks through the picture of her first homecoming in college, her and Petra grinning at the camera.

   ‘’Don’t worry, Petra,’’ she grins, slowly tucking the picture back into the box, ‘’They’re in good hands.’’

   And she can finally say that she’s glad things turned out this way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   ‘’There are some cute boys at my school,’’ Jasmine speaks up later, ‘’I think DeShawn tried to get this girl’s number, but she rejected him. Then, we went on tours with our individual schedules. It was fun. I feel less nervous about Monday.’’

   ‘’That’s good. Also,you're not allowed to date until you’re sixteen, so forget about those boys,’’ Steve doesn't miss a beat, scoppingsome more salt on his plate.

   ‘’I know, I know,’’ Jasmine smirks, ‘’ But they are cute.’’

   ‘���Moving on. Livvy, do you feel better about fourth grade,’’ Steve cutts into the conversation again, changing the subject as he pours her a glass of water.

   ‘’I do. I don’t think that it will be so bad,’’ she pierced her lasagna with her fork.

   ‘’Hey,’’ Steve nudges you when Jasmine engages Olivia in a side conversation, ‘’You okay?’’

   ‘’Yeah, just sleepy,;’’ you shrug, ‘’We can talk about it later.’’

   ‘’Alright,’’ Steve presses a kiss to the back of your hand before looking at your daughters, ‘’What are you two discussing over there?’’

   Jasmine and Olviia share one look before Olivia nudges her head towards their parents, and Jasmine sings, ‘’Are y'all planning on having another baby?’’

   Steve chokes on his water, and you thump his back gently.

   It’s something that has definitely come up before. Steve is afraid to try again for a child, and for good reason- losing Petra was a horrible experience for him. You, for your part, hadn’t really thought about having another child after Olivia. You have Jasmine and you have Olivia, and you and Steve both agree that that’s enough.

   ‘’Um, we hadn’t planned on it,’’ you rub Steve’s back as he calms down.

   ‘’Where’d that come from?’’

   ‘’Wle,’’ Jasmine replies to her dad ‘’We’ve been thinking about it for a while. DeShawn’s mom is having a kid and he wondered if you two are since you got married.’’

   ‘’Well, another kid would be nice, but we think we’re set with you two,’’ Steve reveals honestly, and that seems to satisfy the two of them.

   When the dinner dishes are jared and jasmine is washing while Olivia dries,, Steve meets you in your bedroom.

   ‘’Okay, what’s wrong? I know you’ve been having headaches, and that’s why you went to the doctor. Is everything okay?’’

   ‘’I guess that’d depend on your definition of okay,’’ you sigh, closing the door, ‘’I went to the doctor, and he ran some tests on me. Steve… we’re gonna have another baby. I’m pregnant.’’

   To say that this throes Steve for a loop would be an understatement. He can barely look you in the eyes, instead focusing on your stomach, ‘’Pregnant?’’

   ‘’Yeah. The doctor confirmed it today,’’ you shift a bit under his gaze, ‘’I’m two months along. He said that is why I’ve been throwing up- yes, I know I didn't’ exactly tell you about that one- and why I’ve had headaches. We’re gonna have another kid.’’

   Steve sits on the bed, still avoiding eye contact with you, ‘’You’re pregnant.’’

   ‘’Yes. Steve, I know how you feel. I know that losing Petra was traumatizing for you. I know that you’re scared,’’ you sit next to him, taking his hand,  ‘’But here we are.’’

   And what can he say to that? He wants to scream. He wants to jump with joy. He is both happy and terrified, thrilled and upset at the same time.

   ‘’I don’t want to go through that with you, too. I don't want Jasmine and Olivia to have to live through that,’’ he speaks truthfully, as you always promised you’d do with each other, ‘’So, yeah… I am a little upset. Not even at anybody in particular. I guess you could say that I am scared. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want what happened to Petra happening to you. I worried about it with Nat a few years ago, and now you…’’

   He runs a hand over his face, and you stay silent. The last few years have taught you that he speaks his mind to make sense of what he is feeling, not necessarily for a response.

   ‘’Listen,’’ he takes your hand, standing in front of you now, ‘’I love you. I’m terrified, but I’m gonna have faith that this will turn out well. So maybe we hadn’t planned this. We can get through whatever happens together, though.’’

   ‘’Steve,’’ you sigh, ‘’I love you.’’

   ‘’I love you, too. And, I love our son or daughter. Speaking of which, when should we tell the girls?’’

   ‘’The girls already know,’’ a muffled voice from the other side of the door assures you, causing Jasmine to sheepishly open the door.

   ‘’We got worried. So we came to check on you, but we heard you talking.’’

   ‘’That’s eavesdropping, and don’t ever do it again,’’ you look at your daughters pointedly, ‘’But since the cat is out of the bag, aren’t you going to five us our hugs?’’

   Jasmine and Olivia rush forward, enveloping you and Steve in hugs, respectively, before it morphs into a family hug.

   ‘’This is a great day,’’ Steve laughs heartily, kissing your head, ‘’I’ve got my best girls here, and a new child on the way. What more could I want?’’

   And, for the first time in a while, Steve believes that the idea of a new baby could really turn out okay.

DISCLAIMER- I don’t own any rights to any Marvel characters or their fictional worlds, countries, galzies, planets, etc.

@ashanti-notthesinger @destinio1 @afraiddreamingandloving @airis-paris14 @syreanne @chaneajoyyy @90sinspiredgirl @shemiahsmelanin @zillmonger @skysynclair19 @marvelpotterlove @constantlycravingtheunknown @imaginewhoever @wakanda-inspired @pocmarvelworks @theunsweetenedtruth @dreampovx @adrioola21 @supremethunda @thisiskayesworld @mcusocialimagines @priya212  @kumkaniudaku  @airis-paris14 @alexundefined @fonville-designs  @dramaqueenamby  @mellowjellow6 @oceanscorazon @nerd-lovely @fonville-designs @akimi-youngblood @yoyolovesbucky @fd-writes @areubeingserved-too @areubeingserved @thisbrokencapulet@squeackygee @melidris1  @honeydew-melanin

[artificialqueens]

as the stars align 2/? (branjie) - rujubees

A/N: also on ao3

It was seven am on a Monday in late March, the first day of production on As the Stars Align, and it just had to be the day that Brooke’s cat Apollo decided to fall ill. He had been vomiting for a few hours now, and Brooke didn’t want to take any chances, deciding to call the vet when she was ready to leave for set and he still hadn’t stopped.

Naturally, her next step after that was to call Nina.

“God, what if he ate something poisonous? What if he’s really sick?” Brooke asked, tears filling her eyes at the thought.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, sweetheart. Can you imagine if you called the doctors every time you threw up? He probably just has a hangover,” her friend teased.

“That’s not helping, Nina.”

Brooke placed her on speaker, ushering Apollo inside of the cat carrier.

“Dammit, there’s no way I’m getting to work on time. Fuck,” Brooke cursed. She positioned the phone between her ear and shoulder, carrying Apollo out of the house.

“Relax, I doubt Katya Zamolodchikova has a single angry bone in her body, or Asia for that matter. No way are they gonna care about the star of the show being half an hour late.”

“God knows how long his appointment is gonna take, though.”

Brooke slammed her car door shut, thinking about how it was way too early in the morning to be this sweaty and this exhausted.

“Um, Brooke? Don’t act like you don’t have someone on speed dial who can take care of him for you.”

“I can’t force him to socialise, not right now. He hates people, he barely likes me.” Brooke let out a noise that was somewhere between a chuckle and a sob.

“Can’t you at least get a chauffeur or some fancy shit?”

“They don’t drive fast enough. Too concerned about safety and laws and shit.”

Nina laughed.

“Brooke Lynn, I love you, but if you land your speeding ass in a cell they’re gonna set your bail super high and I don’t think I could afford to pay it, even if I wanted to.”

“I gotta go. I love you too.”

—

Brooke made it to set at exactly nine twenty-two am, nearly two hours after her call time of half seven. It could’ve been worse, especially as they didn’t have much to shoot that day, but by the time her hair and makeup would be done it would already be approaching afternoon. It was a significant delay for sure, and some people would be pissed. Thankfully, Brooke had made some phone calls while waiting at the vet’s, and Katya and Asia were perfectly understanding. Even Michelle, who came down hard on punctuality, was able to sympathise.

What still sucked, though, was that she didn’t know what was wrong with Apollo yet. They’d kept him around to do some tests, and Brooke had reluctantly left his side, knowing that she was of no help anyway if she stuck around. At least work might serve as a distraction.

It was easier said than done, however, as she showed up to work unable to focus on anything but her baby, feeling like fragile glass that could shatter at any moment. It was a situation that was sure to culminate in either a mental breakdown or a lashing out aimed at the first person she came into contact with.

As soon as she saw Vanessa’s fiery brown eyes looking her up and down in a judgemental stare, she decided it was going to be the latter.

Before anything more could happen, Brooke felt a hand on her arm, and turned to see Katya inviting her into a warm hug.

“I’m so sorry,” she said warmly.

“It’s fine. I’m sure it’s nothing,” Brooke reassured her, squeezing back, trying to convince herself too that it would all be okay.

They let go and Brooke went off to take her place in hair and makeup. She made easy conversation with her makeup artist, Yvie, while waiting for her hairstylist Shuga. Yvie showed her a portfolio of looks she had put together, leaving Brooke in awe of her creativity.

“I should paint you like this for the movie, bitch,” Yvie said, pointing to various gruesome effects she had used in her makeup. “Can you imagine Michelle’s face when I stick you on set looking like a fucking Cyclops?”

Yvie let out a deep, contagious laugh at the mental image, and it wasn’t long before Brooke was joining her. It took her a minute to notice that Vanessa had also entered the trailer and sat down a few feet away in her own makeup seat, looking especially irked at the scene before her.

“Really, bitch? Two hours late and all anyone wants to do is fuckin’ cuddle and kiki with you.”

Vanessa was pissed as hell, and Brooke could feel her own face heating up.

“Mind your own fucking business,” Brooke snapped, wishing she was able to come up with a wittier response.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Out here wasting all of our times and you don’t even have the decency to apologise or feel bad about it.”

Shuga, along with Vanessa’s makeup artist Aquaria and hair stylist Kameron, started shuffling into the room. Brooke decided to hold her tongue and simply direct Vanessa with the most venomous look she could muster. She was surprised when her co-star didn’t back away in response with even so much as a flinch.

As the minutes traipsed by, keeping quiet was harder than Brooke thought it would be — all she wanted to do was go at it with Vanessa, sparring insults back and forth for hours. She wasn’t normally the confrontational type, but Vanessa was testing her.

They both kept to themselves for the rest of their time in the trailer, the silence being filled instead by the hair and makeup artists talking among themselves, clearly sensing the tension between the two leads.

Brooke couldn’t comprehend why Vanessa was being so harsh on her for being late one time. She doubted that anyone had told her the reason for her lateness, but Vanessa was hardly in a position to complain — she had been paid to sit around doing nothing while Brooke had been worrying her damn guts off. Okay, sure, she hadn’t been the most friendly to Vanessa the first time they’d met, but she’d remained perfectly professional. Since the chemistry read, her mind had flashed back to her first encounter with Vanessa an unreasonable amount of times. She couldn’t stop thinking about her annoying smug smirk that had seemed to be mocking her or those long, thick eyelashes fluttering all over the place, acting like she was all innocent. She knew she was making no sense, but something about the girl had just irked her from the start, and Brooke couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Much to Brooke’s relief, she received a text from the vets at some point during the time she had been mentally cussing Vanessa out: Apollo was going to be fine. She let out a shaky breath but wasn’t gonna let herself get emotional over this — at least, not now in front of the damn trailer party.

After a while, Shuga, Yvie, Aquaria and Kameron left the pair alone, instructing them to wait for their makeup to dry or something that was probably a load of bullshit.

“If y’all lock this door on us on your way out, I swear ima whoop your ass,” Vanessa warned them.

Brooke turned to her, feeling calmer than she had been earlier, but Vanessa still had a lot of work to do in order to get on her good side.

“Can we go film this shit?” Brooke said, cringing as it came out more coldly than intended, even to her own ears.

Vanessa clenched her jaw, paused, and then stood up.

“Fine, but know that I don’t like you.”

She took off without a second look back, and it all stung just a bit more than Brooke was expecting.

—

“A’keria was right. She’s the worst,” Vanessa conceded a few days after she first started working with Brooke Lynn. She had been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt after their initial encounter, everyone has off days after all. But not only did she have the sweet nerve to show up late to their first day on set, she also followed it up with no apologies or explanations and instead went snuggling up to Katya and giggling with Yvie. Vanessa had felt a stab to the chest when she walked in on Brooke with the latter, the pair acting like they had known each other for years and laughing without a care in the world. Vanessa knew she was a handful and that her personality wasn’t for everyone, but Brooke hadn’t even made an effort to get to know her. Vanessa couldn’t wrap her head around it. It made whatever Brooke had against her feel all the more personal.

“I never said she was the worst,” A’keria corrected her, pulling Vanessa from her thoughts with her annoyance at either being misquoted, or having her favourite reality show interrupted, or both.

“Well, she’s the most rude, stuck up, unprofessional hoe I’ve ever met,” Vanessa huffed dramatically.

“I mean, if it doesn’t affect her acting…” Silky offered pityingly.

“I dunno, I feel like it’s fucking with mine. I’m surprised Michelle hasn’t fired me yet. How am I supposed to pretend to be in love with the bitch when all I wanna do is rip that stupid blonde hair out of her pretty little head?”

A’keria and Silky exchanged a glance Vanessa couldn’t decipher.

“Just… channel all of that anger and turn it into a different kind of passion,” Silky advised with a shrug.

“Whatever,” Vanessa said, feigning indifference, her cheeks warming at the thought of the passionate scenes she would be sharing with Brooke soon enough. She couldn’t let herself think about that yet, forcing her mind to practically shut off whenever the topics of Brooke Lynn and Kissing would start to overlap. She’d cross that bridge when she got to it.

“Speaking of passion…” started A’keria, wiggling her eyebrows unsubtly. “How’s your man, V?”

“He’s fine, but what does that have to do with passion?”

“You’re so romantic it makes me sick,” Silky quipped sarcastically.

A’keria chuckled in agreement before turning serious again.

“Seriously, Vanj. If you’re that bored, just stomp your little legs over to that white bread boy and say, ‘I dump your ass!’”

“I’m not bored!” Vanessa argued defensively. “Things are nice between us, you thirsty hoes would get it if either of you had been in a relationship that lasted longer than three months.”

“Okay. Then tell me, when was the last time you got laid, girl?” A’keria questioned with a knowing look as Silky pursed her lips.

“I — I…” Vanessa stammered and inwardly scolded herself for being so obvious. She loved A’keria and Silky, but also hated them for always seeing straight through her. Moreover, she hated herself for actually needing to think back in order to find the answer to that question.

A’keria turned her attention back to the TV, clearly satisfied with herself, while Silky gave her a look that screamed ‘I told you so.’

“Fine. You know what?” Vanessa stood abruptly as Silky and A’keria watched on with bemused expressions. “I’m gonna go see him now and we’re gonna have the hottest, steamiest fuckin’ sex, the sun is gonna wish she was me, bitch.” She stalked off on a mission, too embarrassed to seek out her friends’ reactions but feeling their confused expressions on her anyway.

—

When Vanessa walked through her apartment door, she was already regretting ditching her friends in order to prove a point. It was a particularly muggy evening for spring in LA, and she wasn’t in any type of mood to be getting even sweatier.

“Oh! Hey babe,” Matt said, surprised to see her home so soon just like she had originally hoped for. She’d had a whole plan to show up out of nowhere and seduce him, right there and then, hoping that the spontaneity would mean that they would actually go through with it for once instead of scheduling sex into their busy diaries and putting it off each time. Vanessa would be lying if she said she was still feeling her original idea, but decided to try and slowly ease herself into it instead of jumping his bones right off the bat.

“Hi,” Vanessa greeted him with a peck on the lips.

“You’re back early. I thought you were hanging out with the girls tonight.”

“Yeah, well… I missed you,” Vanessa replied weakly.

“Oh?” Matt asked, a hint of flirtation in his voice as he pulled her onto the couch with him and brought his lips down to meet hers. They made out for a few minutes, and it was comfortable. It was nice. Silky and A’keria were wrong; Vanessa had no reason to get rid of this. So maybe it wasn’t a love story on par with The Notebook, but Vanessa knew better than most people how fake and constructed those were. If there was one thing her and Brooke could agree on, it was that the two of them were a testament to that fact.

Vanessa was thankful when Matt pulled back; she could tell this wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

“How was work? You seem stressed lately.”

“You would be too if Satan’s daughter was your colleague,” Vanessa sulked.

“Aww, I’m sure I can make you feel better,” Matt answered in a voice Vanessa was sure he thought was sexy. He began sucking at her neck as she sat there, her hate boner for Brooke rekindled now that he had brought the subject back up.

“She’s just so fucking infuriating, you don’t even know. Whenever it’s just the two of us, the bitch lets me have it, but then we get on set and she’s a fucking angel because she knows that I can’t just switch it on as quick as her and I’m left looking like a hateful bitch.”

“I’m sorry, V,” Matt responded with genuine concern, before ruining it by latching onto her neck again. Vanessa rolled her eyes and pushed him off of her.

“I’m at breaking point here, Matt!” Vanessa snapped. “Could you stop coverin’ me in drool for one goddamn second and listen to me?”

Matt looked hurt, and Vanessa instantly felt guilty. She hadn’t meant to take her frustrations about Brooke out on him.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I — it’s just been a long day.”

“It’s chill. I get it,” Matt sighed. Vanessa’s heart ached as she realised just how much she didn’t deserve him.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Vanessa decided, squeezing Matt’s hand briefly.

“Night. Love you, V.”

“You too,” Vanessa called back automatically. It wasn’t all that late, but she needed the sleep; hating Brooke was becoming a full time, all-consuming job, and she was tired.

—

Brooke and Vanessa carried on at each other’s throats for over a week — fights in their trailers, digs at table reads, and even a collision between the two women at the canteen which almost resulted in a vicious food fight. Brooke tried not to let their feud ooze into their time on set, opting instead to keep a polite, professional demeanour around her co-star that sometimes strayed towards subtle taunts at how worked up Vanessa would get over her.

It was almost as if Brooke was in her own angry bubble with Vanessa, and she was pretty sure she hated her almost as much as she loved fighting with her.

It was naive of her, really, to think that the animosity between the two of them would go unnoticed by the hundreds of people she was with each day as much as she was with Vanessa. The fact that it came as a complete shock to them made the eventual intervention that was staged all the more humiliating.

Brooke and Vanessa were seated at opposite ends of the couch, while Michelle and Asia stood before them, both of them attempting to look strict with only Michelle managing it with any level of success. In a slightly out of place scene, Katya simply sat on another couch curled up to a blonde girl Brooke didn’t recognise. Plastique and Scarlet, two other actresses on the movie who were apparently also being affected by Brooke and Vanessa’s rivalry, were also present, along with Yvie, Shuga, Kameron and Aquaria, each of them looking various degrees of disinterested. A few minutes in, even Nina joined them, and a woman named Ra’jah, who introduced herself to Brooke as Vanessa’s manager.

“So, I’m sure by now we all know why Brooke and Vanessa are here with us today,” Michelle began curtly.

“Would somebody care to explain it to us?” Brooke asked feebly, wondering whether there was any hope of getting out of this with her dignity intact.

“Don’t play dumb, bitch,” Vanessa retorted. If she wanted to do this in front of everybody then so be it, Brooke thought.

“This is exactly why,” Michelle said with a sigh, stepping in before Brooke could clap back.

“Now, you two don’t have to be girlfriends in real life,” she continued, and out of the corner of her eye Brooke noticed Vanessa’s little hands balling up into fists at the patronising speech they were being given.

“You don’t even have to be friends. But this war that you guys have going on is disrupting the atmosphere on set and off. I don’t know whether you had noticed, but you’re not the only ones working here and this negative energy is putting your cast and crew in a bad mood and making everyone’s jobs and lives a lot harder.”

Brooke swallowed, staring into her lap, the shame beginning to settle in.

“Vanessa? I’m Nina, Brooke’s manager and friend,” Brooke heard, looking up to see Nina pulling a chair up so that she was sat in the gap between Vanessa and herself like a goddamn mediator. Asia quickly followed in her footsteps and Brooke couldn’t believe it had actually come to this.

“I really think it’d be in both of your best interests to put this… tension between you in the past,” Asia started. “And while Michelle here has reassured me that it’s not your acting that she’s concerned about, imagine how much more you could be capable of with a little less hostility inhibiting your performances?”

Vanessa snorted and scowled at that as if she was deliberately trying to remind Brooke why she had disliked Vanessa to begin with. At least Brooke was taking this seriously.

“Moreover, it’s not a cute look for the movie’s leads to be enemies, especially since this could be groundbreaking as far as gay representation in mainstream Hollywood goes, and you two are our romantic leads. Sure, we could use it to generate a few headlines, but that’s not the narrative we’re trying to create here. This thing is Katya’s baby and she’s hoping it will be a source of light in a lot of people’s life. Don’t let it be clouded in darkness, because you know that nothing stays a secret in showbiz,” Asia finished.

“And let’s not forget about the press tour. And the premiere… y’all will get coupled up for interviews the whole time. If nothing else gives your drama away, those will,” Ra’jah chipped in. Brooke could feel herself relenting, the reasons on top of reasons starting to prove that the pros of ending this pointless feud outweighed the cons.

“Brooke,” Nina appealed to her directly, “I know you feel how important this story is and I know you don’t want its legacy to be tainted. You’ve always been outspoken about the media and how they pit women against each other and if you keep this up, you’ll be making their job a lot easier, far easier than it deserves to be.”

Vanessa’s eyes finally met hers for the first time in what felt like forever, and until then Brooke hadn’t realised how badly she hated it when Vanessa behaved like she wasn’t there.

“I… shit, I agree with Nina,” Vanessa confessed, much to Brooke’s surprise.

“You do?” Brooke asked quietly, needing the confirmation.

“Don’t get excited, girl, I don’t like you all of a sudden,” she snipped. “But… I guess I can stop acting like I want to kill you so much.”

Brooke wanted to laugh at that. She had to give it to Vanessa — she may have only been five foot three, but Brooke didn’t think she’d ever met anybody so fierce.

“I suppose I could try that to,” Brooke replied. She gave her a nod in affirmation, thinking that a smile might be going a little far.

“Well, now that that’s been dealt with, you’re all free to go,” Michelle announced and most of the room got up to leave  — Brooke was pretty certain that at least half of them had tuned out for the majority of the intervention anyway. Nina gave her a wink, signalling that she would meet her outside.

“Just one more thing, ladies,” Michelle added, gesturing for Brooke and Vanessa to stay behind. “Now that you’ve cleared the air, I’m sure you’ll be delighted to hear that you’ll be shooting your first on-screen kiss later this week. I’ll see you then.”

Brooke froze, damning Michelle and her poor timing. Just as she and Vanessa were starting to patch things up, she had to go and make the air thick with friction again. Brooke was expecting an insult, a barb, but instead —

“I can’t wait to find out if you’re as good at kissing as you are at picking fights,” Vanessa deadpanned, her voice even lower and more raspy than usual, before strutting off without waiting for a response.

Which was a good thing, because at that moment, Brooke didn’t think she could find the words if she tried.

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

not sure if you write mental illness imagines as well, but I'd really appreciate a story where brian's depression is handled more realistically. because too often I see things where his bf rog gives him a cuddle and all is suddenly okay. so I wanted to ask if you could write something where maylor have to deal with all the ugly things that come with clinical depression. just a snippet of what their life is like and how they manage to make it through the bad stuff without ignoring the bad stuff.

Yes!! I feel the same way, anon. I loathe seeing a simple cuddle make Brian feel brand spanking new. Your wish (and mine..) is my command!!!

Trigger Warning: Mentions of alcohol abuse, Implications of self harm

It was dark in the room.

Roger nuzzled his head onto Brian’s shoulder, arms wrapped around the taller. He pulled him close to himself, tight and warm, unsure of what else to do, what to say.

Brian had been a little sad lately. That’s what he told others. A decent excuse for why he didn’t go anywhere. Why he broke previous engagements. Why he didn’t do anything.

But it was much more than that. It was much more than Roger could explain to others. It was certainly more than he could handle himself.

Brian had become someone completely different. If he had to choose a word, it’d be zombie. He shuffled about, groaning in response to questions. He slept most of the day and spent his few waking hours staring out of windows or under the covers, thinking maybe. Maybe just zoning out.

He rarely bathed now. His facial hair had become more than uncomfortable to kiss. Eating became a chore.

The only time Brian lit up was when he saw a bottle of scotch or gin. Roger hated to admit it to himself, but he preferred a drunk and depressed Brian rather than a only depressed Brian. At least he talked when he was drunk.

Shit was hard. Shit was really hard. Roger never had to take care of someone who’d hit rock bottom. He tried to shovel food into Brian’s mouth, but he seemed to only be getting skinnier. He didn’t even have to stretch to see his ribs anymore. Cuddling up to him always made tears well in Roger’s eyes. He could feel every bone prodding at him, pushing uncomfortably at Brian’s pale skin.

Roger tried lugging him into the shower, washing him like an unwilling dog, but he couldn’t do that anymore. When bruises began to pop up on his lover’s thigh, he was too scared to ask where they came from, although he had a strong feeling he knew. After the blotches began to mark Brian’s body, Roger couldn’t stand to see him like that. So he let Brian bathe however rarely he pleased.

What he hated most was the night time. The moment Roger laid down to sleep, Brian would get up like clock work. Every single night. He’d shuffle around the room, pulling the blinds away to look out the window before leaving the room.

It was weird, because after that, it felt like the house became haunted. He’d hear soft moaning, sobbing and wailing, as if a ghost had taken up occupancy in the living room, but only after 12am. 

This life they were leading was like living with the dead.

Roger would stay up for a while, wondering what the hell to do. What had gone so wrong? He’d wonder if this was his fault. He wasn’t taking care of Brian well enough. He wasn’t pushing him to go to the doctors. He wasn’t being a good boyfriend.

Well into the night, there’d be two ghosts in the house, both crying for relief. 

Roger held Brian closer, impossibly close. His skin felt icy, so surprisingly, he leaned into the touches, seeking warmth from the blond. Roger accepted it, drank it in. Brian nowadays inched away from any romantic gesture. It made Roger’s skin ache for a kiss, a hug, something. The times Brian used him for warmth felt like he’d won the lottery. He could pretend for a little. That his boyfriend was okay. That they were happy.

Roger kissed the guitarist’s bony shoulder, watching the flesh erupt in goosebumps. He pulled away and got up, ignoring the empty feeling eating at his guts. He couldn’t complain. Brian must’ve felt that void all through out his body, in his bones and muscles.

“I’ll make us dinner,” Roger said, a weak smile tugging at his lips. Brian grunted something unintelligible. He didn’t expect anything more from the other.

He walked to the kitchen, the sound of his footsteps similar to the dry grass crunching in a cemetery. He looked at the stove before making his way over to the phone.

After a few moments, he had it to his ear, a soft ringing coming from it.

“Hi, this is Doctor Newman’s office, how may I help you?”

Roger opened his mouth, faltering.

Was there a cure? For when your brain died but your body didn’t know it? For when your insides felt more like sand than human? For when your brain throbbed, veins pumped full of nothing, blackness, dark?

“Hello?”

Roger shook his head, saying, “Hi, sorry. I-uh- I’d like to make an appointment for Brian May,” voice incredibly small.

“Sure! What day works for you?”

“As soon as possible, really,” Roger replied, finger twirling around the phone cord.

“Tomorrow, 9am?”

“Yes. And uh. An appointment for m-me. Uh, Roger T-Taylor,” he added, throat tightening.

The receptionist kept talking, but he wasn’t listening. He looked back out of the kitchen, a ghastly figure now leaning against the doorway.

He stayed quiet, as the other was too. He hung up the phone, chewing on his lip.

They just stared at each other, two ghosts, drained of their lives, in a home that felt more like a crypt.

Hopefully, tomorrow would shed some light on them, open up the door to their mausoleum just a crack. But for now, this was all they had. This was all they were.

It was dark in the house.

[spacemilkies]

pairing: arthur morgan x modern!reader

summary:

the one where dreams aren’t what you make them,

in fact, they’re quite irrevocably the opposite.

everyone talks about changing the past for a brighter future,

but what are you willing to gamble to make a difference?

l | lll

In a very short amount of time, you’d managed to exhaust yourself mentally and physically. It was becoming abundantly clear that dreams were not as flexible as many made them out to be.

After strain and stress, you tried aimlessly to will away your whims and not the slightest feature gave to your demands.

Somehow you remained in your state of dress and even more unfortunately, you’d been unable to strip a single garment from your cowboy.

It was becoming easier to swallow how this might just be a nightmare after all.

Likely the only thing you were going to be able to.

Clothed and apparently more time sensitive than you were, the man whom you’d come to appreciate by the scruff of his beard, was adamant on uprooting you further then just the floor.

You’d resisted at first when he wanted to lead you out of the house. It had only been a fleeting amount of time, or as best as you were able to reason, but it was your only comfort thus far.

It certainly beat risking whatever elements out there.

Your ‘savior’, as you liked to put lightly was beginning to show signs of irritation, however, as he pulled insistently at your joined hands.

And in a childish show of defiance, you leaned back in objection.

Feisty and annoying were clearly painted on a thin dividing line.

“Look, girl, I don’t have the time. I’ve got other people to look after.”

Bordering on hypothermic, there was little argument to be had that would be convincing on your part. But to not cry out against the prospect of galavanting off with a stranger would breach some sort of violation against nativity. Your core temperature had risen enough degrees to at least factor in some common sense.

“Where are you taking me?”

Even in your disagreement, he’d managed to get you near the threshold before answering. The slow drag of movement was almost preferable to the effort it would have taken to walk there properly.

His voice cracked under the fight against the elements,“A place like this is something we need. So I got to get back to them, to bring ‘em here.”

The spiral of possibilities were too endless got you to grasp coherently as you stood shaking under the weight of them all. With no control and little information, leaving your one ‘safe’ space didn’t feel like the most plausible strategy. 

“Wait- were coming right back? Why don’t I just stay-”

Before you could register why he was bending at the knee, he had an arm around yours and had you thrown over his shoulder in the next second. Your head complained louder than your voice as the hazy feeling complied to the weight of a bounder against your skull.

“Oh, god, I think I’m going to throw up.”

That was a lie. It felt as if you hadn’t eaten in days.

It was impossible not to admire his strength as he carried you almost effortlessly, the broad of his shoulder acting like adult heating pack. “We are in need of shelter and I don’t think you would survive long enough for me to return. So yes, we’ll be back.”

Your body sung uselessly as he made the first sunken step into the snow. Everything after that was a series of crunches as the little cabin began to distance itself. As it turned out, it wasn’t solely just a cabin. The further you were away, the more buildings began to appear until a small town of sort rose.

It somehow managed to look aged without necessary years to degrade. The wooden structures looked sturdy but it lacked the reinforcement you knew to be standard in most homes. Even wooden resorts. Not that this place seemed to be popular with the public.

It all begged the recurring question:

“Where are we?”

With a grunt, you were deposited on the back of a horse. Your hands immediately reached for the saddle to balance yourself as you instinctively kicked your leg over to properly straddle the mount. You missed the odd look you received as he situated himself comfortably into the seat in front of you.

All sensibility lost in the storm, you huddled close and squeeze the bareness of your legs as close to the center of heat as you could. His jacket was larger, the length billowing over you like a blanket but in this weather you would need much more.

Your unnamed cowboy waited until the horse fell into an even gallop before answering.

“Somewhere around Ambarino, we think. This wasn’t your destination then?”

Ambarino? 

You weren’t even sure what it was let alone find a reason why you’d somehow ended up here. Given the landscape, you were certainly further up north. The peaks of mountains could easily name a few states but you weren’t nearly comfortable enough to confidently place the town. Coming from a warmer more reasonable southern location, there was really only one you could recall from your childhood.

“Is this in Colorado? I mean I was young, but I came here once. Maybe this hallucination is a deeper psychological analysis or something.” you rambled, fully aware of how unhinged you sounded.

The man made it well clear how aware of his lack of understanding was.

“Girl, somethin’ ain’t right with you. I hope your mind thaws out soon.”

There was too much of a mutual agreeance with his diagnostic to be affronted. The disconnect was glaringly obvious yet you couldn’t grasp the tangibleness of it in order to prove your sanity.

As far as anything you could make clear of, it was just the scenic route of a dream you’d be lucky to remember by daybreak.

Despite its frosty script, it had certain charms that would be worth remembering in.

You’d heard of mountain men before. Read about their solidarity and gruff disposition. Of course in those novels, a young maiden often appeared on their doorstep and the two would warm themselves by the fire clothed in another by their skin and furs.

It was unlikely that a similar plot would pan out for you.

With a visible huff, you snuggled closer into his back comfort outside of the chaos of your mind. The biting wind was beginning to burn beyond the limits of what you could imagine. If it wasn’t for the nonsensical backdrop you would have began to consider that it might just not be a dream.

The sun was setting low on the horizon, but nothing had changed.

Where you had expected to see houses, roads and any sign of life,

you only discovered a continuing theme of snow, trees, some rocks and more snow.

You wanted to question the location more but instead another curiosity won out.

“I didn’t catch your name.”

He’d tried to remain quiet the ride thus far. Though part of it was likely due to his hesitance to inspire more madness from your lips. This was a question he seemed more amicable to respond to.

“Arthur. Arthur Morgan.”

You gave your name response, lip quirking when he mimicked it back in his own twang. It was … soothing. Like the warm scratch in just the right place.

You fell comfortably into it, time working heavily against the strength of your eyes as they sliding close. The unchecked weight against his back seemed to alert Arthur as he cut a concerned glance over his shoulder,

“I’m no doctor but I don’t think you should be sleepin’, ma’am.”

Maybe you laughed, the rumble sounded familiar in your throat as you rubbed your face into the cut of his leather.

“ I thought you were tired of hearing me speak nonsense?”

“Better than you being dead.”

There was no doubting the truth in the statement but it as becoming increasingly difficult to get your body to agree. The environment offered nothing stimulating. The sun was long gone and without it, both warmth and the light to make discernible images was gone. All that was left was the darkness of an abyss as you trotted further into it.

Perhaps this was the end and you’d finally wake up on the other side of the tunnel.

Who knows, maybe you’d continue you adventure with the mysterious Arthur Morgan another night.

Yawning around the thought, you settled comfortably into the admission.

You’re started when you feel an insistent pat on your thigh. You realize blankly how you register more of the impact than the way it knocks against the chill of your thigh.

“Hey now, stay with me, girl.”

You correct him with your name quietly but he hears it, latching on to the thin threads of your quick-temperedness.

“Hey, girl. Tell me. If you ain’t a prostitute, what are you and why were you dressed like that?”

If it was his plan to force you hand in defending your honor, you’d risen irritably to the challenge as you fought away the dreads of sleep.

“God, you really must enjoy a nice beating.”

His laugh is scratchy against the storm,” I’ve survived enough of ‘em.”

“Yeah, well you’re in for a life of them if you keep referring to women as sex workers. I’m a student, Arthur and I was sleeping off a hell of an exam which explains my state of dress.”

You were convinced he’d developed a tone of voice just for you. “Sleepin’ on the floor in the middle of winter in an old mining town … by yourself?”

With all the elements lined up- well, not that it made much sense from the beginning.

“Look, whenever I wake  up from this dream I promise you, Arthur Morgan, that I will book a very expensive appointment with a psychiatrist to work out my obvious issues.”

You can’t see how gave, but it’s okay, because you’re certain. That you can heat the collision of his brows. He hums something along the lines of sleep. The words are so cohesive with your own desires that it could impersonate a lullaby.

A sleep deprived smile, weak in the edges, curls your lips,“How old are you anyway, Arthur?”

All bundled it has hard to guess and the beard still blurred the lines but he didn’t seem like much of a gap.

“Thirty five.”

You squeeze tighter, knocking off the chill on your nose against the back of his neck. His body rolls in complaint but you’re attached too close to be batted away so easily. 

“Huh… maybe daddy issues will be a starting point,” you mused audibly.

“What was that?”

“You don’t want to know.”

Arthur may have called out but it’s lost to the static of the storm. You aren’t sure if it was intentional or not but the horse’s gait had been slowed to a choppy gait, the irritating bump with every step keeping you perfectly unbalanced the peak of unconsciousness.

You think you hear him call out to you again but the voice feels distant. Arthur shifts in your arms, and this time you know it’s his voice but it’s directed away. All at once the white noise collided with the cream of wood and the displeasure of horses treading through the snow.

The build up of frost takes a few blinks to flake away before take in the small caravan lumbering towards you. Arthur slowed to a halt, allowing them to roll closer. The familiarity of conversation makes it easy to assume this was the group he’d been determined to get to. 

“And who is this?”

Even at such a close proximity, its difficult to make out features of the man referring to you. If Arthur senses your apprehension it’s muted against the urgency of the new parameters as he carefully pries open the ring of your arms.

He vaguely explains your predicament as he guides you off the horse and carries you to the nearest wagon. Before you’re able to comprehend the newly familiar loss of his warmth, you’re immediately surrounded by limber hand ands as women tuck various clothing and blankets around you.

The voices rang from different pitches and tones, but you’re too exhausted to try and piece them into something explainable. They throw more questions at you than you have the answers to give.

“Honey, what are you wearin’?”

Too far to reach yet close enough to provide the presence of comfort, you position Arthur hovering near. “Let’s worry about that later. Get her warm.”

The most distinguished touch is that of hands weathered like leather from age. It gives the familiar prickle of a grandparent with the odd firmness of an ox as they try to tear away the comfort of Arthur’s coat.

You find yourself fighting back, clinging to the material for reasons other than warmth.

“Best you give this jacket back to Mr. Morgan, dear.”

When another answers in your stead, you decide that Arthur’s voice is like cinnamon when compared to others. A distinct spicy aftertaste to discern it from the others, and just enough warmth to bite away the chill of discomfort.

“That’s alrigh’, Karen. Let her keep it, I got somethin’ else to do the job.”

Everyone seemed concerned about- everything outside of your sluggish desire for sleep. They were unsatisfied with your tight lip, but weren’t able to give them what they wanted anyway. 

You only wanted one thing and at this point you were convinced that it would be the one remedy to solve it all.

Tucking your face into the pillow of wool, you sought it out from the one provider who help where needed. 

“Hey, Arthur, can I sleep now?”

You’d lost him in the chaos awhile back, but suddenly he was everywhere.

The voice in your ear.

The hands at your hearth.

The weight on your shoulders.

“Yeah, girl. Just make sure you wake up when I call.”

Notes: I don’t know why I spend so much time pregame but I do and regret it every time. But it only took two chapters this time so we’ll roll into the familiar storyline with the next one. Thank you so much for all the positive feedback. This chapter is a bit more slow paced but I want to build everything one piece at a time.

[kncklheads]

uwu just a lil Luke drabble @snw-cnvs

Luke can’t remember exactly how old he was, maybe six, give or take a year or two, but he remembers the moment. It’s deeply ingrained in his mind as his first real memory, first real experience with things like That. He remembers how back then, seeing That kind of stuff on tv and the like was less common. So one night while sitting around the tv with his family, watching whatever program happened to be on, when a scene where two people, two Men started kissing began to play, Luke was quite surprised. He remembers being confused. Innocently so. There was no malice, no prejudice built up yet, just regular old childlike wonder. Two men can kiss? Who knew? But other than that he didn’t give it much thought. Though he remembers the way his mother and father seemed to shift uncomfortably, how quickly his father changed the channel, muttering about how rubbish the show was, and how when he complained because he’d been watching it, how his mother had scolded him a little too harshly than he thought necessary. 

He remembers when he was not much older, how he used to like to draw. He doesn’t anymore. But he does recalls many days spent inside doodling away. At first it was praised, his mother proudly hanging his “artworks” on the fridge in the kitchen for all to see. He always felt so happy when she did that. Because even back then all he wanted was to make her proud. But he remembers how that began to stop, less and less would they go up onto the fridge until they stopped all together. He remembers how it turned into a sigh, into a “ I wish you would stop spending all your time on these silly things, it’s such a nice day outside. You should be out there, kicking a ball around.” He remembers drawing one time in class, and the boy that came up to him and told him with a snicker “That’s Gay.” He’d looked up, taking no offense, not knowing, he’d been confused, “Gay? What’s gay?” He’d asked, because of course there was no talk of such things in his home. He remembers the boy explained it, and he remembers soon after he gave up drawing. 

Luke remembers bringing it up to his parents a day or so later. Casually remarking about the boy who’d called him Gay, still not feeling much offense by it. But his parents on the other hand--- a gasp from his mother, a stern frown from him father. Questions that followed, “Why? What would make him say that? What were you doing?” He was surprised by how serious they had taken it. He wondered if he should have taken it more seriously in the moment. He remembers his father, consoling him, actually consoling him. Well in his way anyway. A hand on his shoulder, telling him it’s okay, because they know it’s not true or anything. How next time he needs to stand up for himself. Because it’s not right to let people say mean things to you. His mother interjecting not to start a fight of course, but to stand up for yourself no less. Luke nodded along, now thinking this Gay thing must be pretty bad after all. 

Luke remembers how that became such a thing thereafter. Even for him. He did it just as much as everyone else. “That’s so gay” Everything bad, everything dumb, everything gross, was Gay. And they’d all laugh about it. And boy would they get defensive about it too, anytime the comment was directed at them. Luke did the same. Because his parents told him to, and because everyone else reacted that way. So this Gay thing must be pretty bad. By now he had a vague concept of what it was. Guys kissing. Guys in a relationship. Just like men and women only not women. But even then, calling something Gay was more synonym for bad, or gross, and stuff, and less about the actual definition of the word. Though, this only continued for a few years. And then the trend was over. People forgot about it, or people learned and knew better. Luke leaning more towards the latter, truthfully. A little older, a little wiser he felt kind of bad for using it like that for so many years. Not that he really thought about it much. 

He remembers one night, having dinner with his family as usual, when his mother spoke up. “Oh dear, have you heard? The Turner’s boy,” And then her voice was hushed, like she didn’t want people to overhear, to somehow hear through the walls of the house “He’s one of those... he’s Gay.” And there was, of course, a certain amount of horror to her voice, but also an certain amount of excitement, because his mother always liked to gossip, and she loved reporting it all back to his father. His father barely looked like he was even paying attention, until she said that though, then he sure was. He asked a few more questions, how did she know, what did the family say, those kinds of this. “Oh poor Darcy,” His mother said, a hand to her heart and a genuine look of sympathy on her face, “She must be so devastated. He’s her only son you know. He’s all she’s got and now hes--” She shook her head, sighing, “I mean could you imagine?? If our Luke-- if he--” And she couldn’t even finish the sentence, but Luke knew what she was going to say. But Luke wasn’t paying much attention. His mind was occupied with thoughts of Davy. Davy Turner. 

They weren’t the best of friends mind you. He was just in the neighborhood, and they hung out. They used to be a bit closer when they were a little younger. But friendships were fickle around their age, every week you had a new designated “Best Friend”. But they did spend time together. Luke had liked him honestly. His mother gasped, and it brought his attention back to them, and suddenly eyes were on him. “Come to think of it, you were friends with that boy weren’t you? You even stayed at his house a few times. Oh, Luke darling, he didn’t do anything did he? You know you can tell us.” 

He thought back to one night, in one of their being “Best Friends” weeks. They shared a bed because there wasn’t another one, and there was nothing wrong with that. It was big enough for the two of them anyway. He remembers when they were sent to bed, and it was lights off, but of course they stayed up talking for a while. He remembers Davy holding his hand, and Luke hadn’t really thought anything of it. He remembers Davy smiling, big and wide, and so happy, he remembers how infectious it was, how it made even him smile. He remembers Davy saying, just before they finally went to bed “I really like you Luke, it’s always fun when you stay over.” It was innocent, and at the time it was nice. Who wouldn’t want to be liked after all? Luke had even said “I like you too.” Though even then he didn’t think he meant it as much as Davy did. 

“No.” He said, shaking his head and putting that moment out of his mind. “ He never did anything.” He always seemed so normal. He was just like all of Luke’s other friends. He liked all the same things they did. He played with them all. Luke never could have guessed it. 

After that, Luke remembers that he didn’t play with Davy Turner anymore, no one really did. He wouldn’t be allowed to, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to anyway. 

Years past and Luke was in high school. There were more incidences like those of course, little things here and there, but those were ones that always stood out to Luke.

Luke remembers in school, there were always rumors, this and that, about this person and that person. Never confirmed, so they all passed eventually. But that didn’t mean to subject of the rumors didn’t suffer while they were happening, and even after honestly. That was something Luke didn’t participate in. Not that he stopped it either. He didn’t see that big an issue really. Who cares if someone was Gay? As long as they kept it to themselves it didn’t really impact his life. But most of his friends weren’t the same. Most of the people in school weren’t the same. They all seemed to take personal offense to it. So there was a lot of bullying. Luke tried to look the other way. 

Until one time during high school. He might have been seventeen or so. And there was another rumor. Only this time it was confirmed. Almost proudly so. Which-- was just-- beyond Luke. It genuinely shocked him. How could someone just come out and say that?? Didn’t he know what would happen afterwards? How people would react? And boy did they. It was the worst bullying Luke had seen thus far. And it was relentless. Even when he wasn’t around, Paul, that was his name, people talked, harsh brutal talk that almost made Luke cringe. But he didn’t of course. He just laughed along, however forced. Sometimes, rarely, if it got too bad he’d say something, tell them to cut it out. Maybe throw in a “Why do you care so much? You Gay too or something?” To tease. Which was always met with the biggest, grandest denials. 

But there was one day in particular. Luke had come late to school, he can’t really remember why, doctors appointment or something. He’d stopped at the bathrooms before going to class, not trying to waste a little more time, certainly not, Luke was totally studious and would never. He walked in and heard someone coughing. At first he didn’t think anything of it. Until the coughing turned into more coughing, and groaning, and all in all sounding like someone having a very bad time. He hesitated, but he knocked on the stall, thinking it was closed until it swung open to reveal Paul. Poor, poor Paul. With the worst beating Luke had ever seen him cop. He actually gasped, he actually flinched back. That’s how bad it was. Paul was leaning against the toilet for support, just to sit up, bloodied and bruised. And Paul looked none too pleased to see Luke. 

And honestly. If he’s being really really completely totally honest... part of him wanted to turn around and leave Paul there. It wasn’t his business. Paul wasn’t asking for help. So he could have. But he didn’t. And that’s what counts, right? He hopes so. That’s what makes him feel better whenever he thinks about it, and thinks about that moment where he could have left him, where he almost left him, but didn’t. 

“Holy shit, Paul--- I- what happened?? Who did this to you??” He could already guess though. “Who the fuck do you think?” Paul snapped back, proud as ever, despite the grimace on his face and the obvious pain he was in, “Your best friends, that’s who. What, sorry you missed out on the fun or something? Come back to get your piece of the action too?” Luke couldn’t tell you how bad that made him feel, deep down, that someone would seriously expect him to do something like this, to someone like him, because of who he hung out with. He found he couldn’t really reply though. I mean what could he even say? No, of course not, I’m not like them. I don’t bully people. I just watch, and laugh, and let it happen? Instead he opted to crouch down next to him, sympathy written into his features, shaking his head a little. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Paul... This is-- this is fucked up.” He apologized on behalf of HIS friends. Because even though he wasn’t apart of it he still felt somewhat responsible. And so he should. “Let me help you. I’ll take you to the nurses office. You can’t-- you needa get help.”

And Luke wasn’t taking no for an answer. This was the bloody least he could do. He felt like he had to, as if it would somehow make amends, or at least partly so. Despite the initial protests, Luke got him up, an arm over his shoulder to help him stand and walk. It was a lot of groaning and grunting, but eventually he got him there. And alas the nurse was not there. So of course Luke couldn’t leave him. He just couldn’t. He wasn’t an expert, but playing all kinds of sports his whole life, he’d come across his fair share of injuries. So he could at least get the job started, he could at least do something. 

He can’t really remember how long they spent together that day. It probably wasn’t even that long. But they talked for a while, and he was actually a pretty cool guy. Luke hadn’t really ever spoken to him before. Well, he kind of actively avoided him to be honest. But now it almost felt like he was missing out. Paul was funny. Luke thought he actually would have made a good friend. If things were different. And Paul seemed to have similar sentiments. Eventually. It took a little while for him to warm up to Luke, all things considered.

“You know, I‘m not actually even fucking gay,” Paul at said at one point. And Luke remembers this so clearly, so vividly, because it really changed thing. Like it really really changed things.  “What ? But I thought-- you’ve never denied it... I’ve heard you openly tell people and stuff?” “Yeah, I do, but I’m not gay, man. I’m bi.” “You’re what?” “Bi. Bisexual. Y’know? I like both. Guys and girls. I guess... think of it as half gay if that’s easier for your neanderthal, jock-y brain to understand.” “That’s a thing?? You can like both???” Because Luke had genuinely never known. He’d never heard of it before. It was also so black and white. It was always, Gay or not gay. Wrong, or right. But this was one hell of a grey area and it changed everything. 

Eventually the nurse came back and the conversations stopped and Luke left. And he’d figured that was the end of it. 

But it wasn’t unfortunately. 

It was maybe a week later, or maybe a little less. But Paul was back at school, after a few days off. And before class started he came over to Luke while he was at his locker. He smiled, and greeted him. But Luke-- well... he greeted him back, however stiffly, however uncomfortably, because Luke was raised polite like that. He can’t really remember what exactly Paul was even saying. He thinks he was too panicked to pay full attention. Because behind Paul, walking down the hallway, were his friends. They hand’t seen him yet, hadn’t seen Paul, but they would. Luke thinks Paul was saying thank you actually, saying thanks for helping him out, and that maybe he’d judged him too quickly, maybe he was a good guy after all. But he fucking wasn’t. Because he wasn’t fully listening, and all he could think about was how he wanted Paul to leave, all he could think about was what his friends would say, what they would think. And then they saw him. And the looks on their faces, the utter confusion, some even bordering on disgust. 

“Luke?” Paul asked, when it was clear he wasn’t really listening. “I... uh... I gotta go. Sorry.” He said, quickly shutting his locker and jogging over to his friends, who were all giving him suspicious looks, looking over at Paul too.  “What’re you doing talking the the Fag??” They asked, and Luke had laughed it off, dismissed it, lied, said Paul came up to him and he has no idea why. In his desperation to clear his own name he even said, “Who knows, maybe he’s into me or something?” And laughed at how gross, disgusting, that would be.  “Oh don’t worry. You’re not my type.” He heard from over his shoulder, from Paul, standing right behind him, having heard him laughing and making fun of him. And boy did he look unimpressed. He didn’t say anything else before he walked off. He didn’t need to. All Luke’s friends were laughing, elbowing Luke and joking around. And Luke tried to laugh along, but honestly he just felt shitty. Because he was shitty. He was a shitty person and Paul was probably right about his first impression of him. He just didn’t know what else to do though. Not that it really excused it. 

Luke thought about it more than he’d care to admit. He could never look Paul in the eyes again, not that he really did in the first place. Whenever he saw him he just felt guilty, he felt shitty. 

But there was one more time they interacted, before Paul moved schools and Luke never heard from or of him again. Aside from that time he found him on facebook years later and debated trying to friend him or not, for like two whole hours. He ultimately decided not to. 

It was one day, a while later. And he was walking to class as usual with a few of his friends, talking about god knows what.  “Oh shit, what’s Tim doing?” One of them said, in amusement, laugh in his tone.  And when Luke looked down the hall to see, he saw Tim, and he saw Paul, and he saw Tim shoving Paul roughly against the locker, he saw Paul’s books already scattered, dropped on the ground. He saw people watching and whispering, some laughing and grinning, and he saw no one helping. His friends were some of the ones laughing, approaching to get a better view. Luke moved along with them wordlessly, his heart racing in his chest. He didn’t want to see this. He didn’t want to know about. It was easy to ignore when he was just hearing stories, but when it was happening right in front of him, how could he possibly ignore that? 

Well he tried to. But when he saw Tim raise his fist, ready to give Paul another beating, he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. He really fucking tried to but he couldn’t. Before he even knew he was doing it was was shoving Tim to the ground, yelling at him to fuck off. Everyone was surprised, Luke was fucking surprised, breathing heavily, standing in front of Paul like he was guarding him or something. 

It... well, it escalated from there. And instead of Paul copping a beating, Tim and Luke shared one between them. Until a teacher, a couple actually, came by and broke up the fight. But each of them managed to get a few good hits in. They were suspended, obviously. Luke’s first time. Not Tim’s. And Luke was not looking forward to his parents finding out, rightfully so. 

They wanted to know how it happened, Tim was his friend after all. His mother seemed more concerned, his father muttering something about boys being boys. Luke didn’t want to tell them. He really didn’t want to tell them. But his mother wouldn’t let it go. So he told them he was standing up for someone. Who? They’d asked. Paul. Paul who? Luke didn’t have any friends called Paul, so who was he? Why did he need Luke to stand up for him?

They were both silent for what felt like the longest, most painful time after Luke finally told them exactly who Paul was. Looking between each other, then back at Luke. He didn’t look back at either of them. And it was only now that his father seemed to have a problem with the fight. Why did Luke care after all? Who was Paul to him? What, was he his boyfriend or something??  “Of course not.” Luke had snapped back. He’d tried to explain that he just didn’t think it was right. He didn’t think it was okay to beat on someone just because they happened to like guys. His father didn’t agree, going on a big long, shouted rant about how They deserved it, how if They were going to act that way, then they deserved what was coming to them. How he’d never allow one of Them in his house and on and on and on. His mother calmed him down eventually, consoling him, telling him Luke wasn’t like that, he was just a boy with a big heart who didn’t know any better. His father left in a huff shortly after. That was when his mother sat down next to him, all the care in the world in her eyes, a hand reaching out to gently brush over the bruise on Luke’s cheek.  “My poor boy.” She’d said, and she meant it, she cared about Luke, she really did, she loved him so much. But,  “I know you want to help, darling... But.. sometimes it’s better to not get involved. It’s better to.. leave Those People alone. They’re not like you, They made their choice. It’s not your fault if something happens to Them for it. And it’s not your responsibility to help Them.”

Luke didn’t agree, he still didn’t really agree. But he nodded along with it. Just to get it over with honestly. And that was the last they ever spoke of it. It was never brought up again, never discussed. It was swept under the rug and forgotten. By them at least. 

But Luke remembers it very clearly.