#okay but I had to tap into 13 year old me to draw these classic anime faces
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Inuyasha AU anyone?
#2ha fanart#erha#ranwan#mo ran#chu fei#chu wanning#okay but I had to tap into 13 year old me to draw these classic anime faces#it actually was both freeing and also painful#the grip these two have on me and I’m only like. a quarter of the way into the first volume 🙃#my art
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Viva Las Vegas, Pt. 17 - With Him
Summary: Sunset Curve Alive AU, Willex, how will it go in the end?, 4.8k
@trevor-wilson-covington is the bestie who makes these lovely edits, we stan supportive friends
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16
One finger tapped on the strap of his fanny pack as Alex listened for the right bus stop to be called. If all those months since he’d seen Willie had been long, this past week had been longer. Especially since the news about Caleb had hit hard and every minute in the studio now felt like the band was precariously teetering on the edge of a cliff. He was going to try not to let any of that get in his way today, though. He’d made it to Saturday and Willie was only a few streets away, and he didn’t care what happened for the rest of the day - it was going to be good.
Finally he heard the next stop announced for where he needed to get off and he pulled the cord that told the driver to make a stop. Stepping onto the sidewalk, his heart bounced around in its chamber like the Tazmanian devil from Looney Tunes. He was glad that Willie lived in the basement of the apartment building he occupied because it would’ve been the worst if Alex forgot which room he was in and spent hours frantically knocking doors.
It was hard to tell if he was moving quickly or if his mind was just racing, but in either case, he eventually found himself at the door. For a second, he simply took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair, trying to get a visual of Willie immediately pouncing on him the moment the door opened out of his head. It wouldn’t exactly be unwelcome, but Alex was realizing how desperate he was to be with him and was amazed at how it affected his imagination.
Lifting a hand, he made sure he knocked loudly. Soon after, the door opened, and Alex was greeted with shining brown eyes, silky, gorgeous brown hair styled into two braids, and a smile he could make home in. Willie.
“Hey, come on in!” Willie was saying, standing to the side and gesturing for him to enter. Crossing the threshold, Alex gazed at the humble space, taking in the details with heightened interest. “This is mi casa!” He began showing Alex around. “We’ve got the main living space, very cozy. The kitchen to your left, but no dining room so it’s all criss-cross applesauce on the floor - makes it extra chill. Bathroom through the back. The sink and shower handles will sometimes shock you, so don’t mind all the electrical tape.”
It was surprisingly accommodating for a dingy basement, and Willie had already made little additions that spoke volumes about him without words. A king size mattress sat in the corner of the ‘main living space’ on the floor with a small bookshelf beside it. The bookshelf only had a handful of cassette tapes and a Walkman lying on top, with a few sketchbooks on the middle shelf. Next to that, the dresser had a small collection of vintage soda bottles and a camera sitting on its surface. Glow-in-the-dark star stickers covered the ceiling above the bed. Even a couple cat toys could be spotted on the floor. Immediately, Alex approached the area where Willie’s desk sat surrounded by sketches hung on the wall.
“So these are your drawings?” he asked, although the answer was obvious. They were so good. Willie followed him over, the squinty smile still in his eyes.
“Yeah. Some are new. Most of them are attempts to recover what Caleb tore up.”
Alex looked at Willie apologetically, even though the loss of Willie’s previous work wasn’t his fault. Without warning, a pressure on his leg and the sound of loud purring announced Sheldon’s presence. The cat looked up at him and blinked slowly, already begging for attention. Heart melting, Alex bent down to pet him.
“Hey, Sheldon,” he said. “I forgot how cute you were!” He smiled as Sheldon rubbed his head against his hand with more affection that he’d likely seen from any other creature on the planet. Well...maybe there was one other that matched it. Alex had heard about how pets could take on the temperament of their owners, and suspected this was a clear example. “He’s gotten so big since I last saw him.”
“Yeah, he’s supposed to be almost two years old, if Escobar guessed his age right.”
Standing again as Sheldon pattered off, Alex returned his attention to the wall of art, looking at the pieces more closely.
“So which one is your dad?” he mused.
Willie untacked one of them and held it out for Alex to examine. “This one.”
Holding the edges carefully, Alex gazed in amazement at the detail Willie had caught. The edges were certainly less defined, but the scene inside the truck was so easy to visualize that Alex could almost feel the leather of the seats and the windchill from the window. He wasn’t sure what began burning in his chest as he peered down at the image, but it was profound and complex.
“I’ve thought about seeing if I could find him, but I think with my memory it’s kind of impossible,” Willie told him.
“He looks so happy here. I don’t get why you would end up as a foster kid.”
“Yeah, I wondered that too. Maybe he didn’t have a choice?”
Alex looked at Willie’s face, and he could tell half of him was lost in a world of what-ifs and other questions. He was always trying to seem so easy-going, and to an extent he truly was, but he couldn’t hide the constant sense of upheaval that rested on his shoulders. At least, Alex was picking up on it more, now that he knew the things he did. He may have been biased, but he couldn’t imagine anyone not fighting their hardest to keep Willie.
Suddenly his gaze was drawn to the unfinished work on the desk, and recognized it as a portrait of himself.
“Wow.” The word fell out of his mouth.
“Oh,” Willie started with a hint of shyness. “Obviously that one isn’t done, so…” He reached to put it away.
“You got that far off of memory, though,” Alex said. “I’m impressed. And you make me look good.” He offered an encouraging smile. “Maybe some time today I could be a model for you?”
Willie cocked his eyebrow, surprise and playfulness making an adorable combination on his face. It made Alex’s smile grow wider.
“Well, we’ve got a whole day ahead,” Willie said. “Your wish is my command.”
“Okay,” Alex said, leaning onto his back foot casually, one side of his lip curling with intrigue. “Well, I wanna see where you go around here. You seem to have a knack for finding the best spots. We can play it by ear.”
“What’s that one song with the one phrase?” Willie asked. “‘Any way the wind blows?’” He sang shyly, clearly playing down what Alex could tell was a nice voice.
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Alex smiled. Willie’s job at the record store was at least giving him a good taste in music. “Don’t worry, you’ll know everything about the classics once you hang out with me enough.”
An emotion flashed in Willie’s eyes and after a moment Alex realized what those words were actually saying. He held his gaze, hoping he could communicate his intentions clearly, unlike the last time they’d seen each other. Willie swallowed, and his expression remained excited as he loaded his backpack and led them out the door, board in hand. Alex followed him, deciding not to question which direction they were going.
First, they made a stop to buy a bunch of apples. In classic Willie fashion, he went to a bodega, and this time he communicated with the cashier in rough Spanish. Alex knew he was showing off, and smirked at the notion that Willie enjoyed impressing him.
“So what do we need these for?” Alex wondered as they left the bodega. “Besides a ton of apples for lunch.”
Willie’s secretive smile made Alex raise an eyebrow.
“It’s a surprise.”
A little while later, they stood before the most unlikely place in all of Los Angeles: a horse barn. Staring at the building as if it loomed fifty feet above him, hands in his pockets, Alex gulped and a lump of dread landed in the pit of his stomach.
“Oh no,” he muttered apprehensively.
“Oh yeah,” Willie said, turning to him with a thrilled grin on his face.
Alex wasn’t exactly afraid of horses...he just had no idea what to do around them and therefore was not sure what to expect from them. Also, he would’ve worn different pants if he’d known this was on the agenda.
“I promise, they’ve got some really chill horses,” Willie tried to ease his nerves. “I’ve gone on this trail enough times. Don’t worry, you’ll know everything about riding once you hang out with me enough.” He winked as he threw back Alex’s line with a sly smile.
Unable to argue, Alex shook his head and used the hand in his pocket to gesture forward, signaling to Willie he was up to the challenge. He watched him practically skip inside and he had to jog to keep up after him. They signed in and then were led to two stalls.
Willie immediately gravitated toward a tall golden-colored mustang stallion with a dark mane, apparently both already familiar and happy to see each other. Alex watched him gently greet and essentially coo at it while comfortably stroking its nose and then feeding it an apple. He longed to have that sort of talent with other creatures, and simultaneously realized that he yearned to receive that same tenderness.
Once the horses were tacked up and one of the instructors had given Alex some brief pointers on how to ride, he found himself following Willie on a trail while mounted on a painted mare. The only philosophy he could adopt out here was to be gentle and not get lost.
“Not so bad, your majesty,” Willie called over to him.
An extremely nervous laugh elicited from Alex’s throat involuntarily, only making Willie laugh in return. Alex rode a little closer so they were nearly side by side on the trail.
“I’ve been here once,” he said. “I think I was about twelve? My mom thought that it would make me change my mind about taking ballet classes. We rode for maybe fifteen minutes before I got so nervous we had to turn back around and go home. Never made it through the full trail.”
“Man, that sucks,” Willie commented. “I didn’t know you did ballet.”
“Yeah, that and a few other types of dance. I was forced to quit a little couple years ago. That’s about when we got serious as a band, so I just found something else to bother my parents with.”
He could see the gears click into place as Willie came to a few conclusions about his parents and gave an emphatic nod.
“Well, I’ve always wanted to learn how to dance. That was the one thing Caleb had promised to teach me. He’s the worst, but he definitely knows how to dance.”
Suddenly, Alex remembered watching Caleb’s movements when he’d served him and the boys at the diner. Of course he could dance; everything had been fluid and smooth. All he could say to that thought was “huh,” at first. Then after a few moments: “I’ll have to teach you one of these days then.”
Willie’s eyes crinkled at the corners, happy at the prospect.
“Yeah, okay! Add that to our to-do list.”
Alex chuckled. They had a to-do list now. He bit his lip as he continued following Willie along the trail. It was a gorgeous day and in this area the sky was so clear compared to further inside the city. Greatly contrasting his experience from years ago, Alex felt himself become much more at ease and felt confident enough to take greater control of his horse. Willie pulled out his camera and snapped a few scenic photos every once in a while.
Eventually, they stopped at an outlook and Alex had to take in an awed breath. The view was clear for miles all around them. Green hills spanned the landscape in every direction with patches of city speckled in between. Even the ocean line was visible from there. How did Willie know how to find these?
“Hey, Alex!” Willie called, lifting his camera. “Say cheese!”
Turning to face him, Alex flashed a genuine smile as Willie captured him atop his horse against the scenery. He was usually pretty camera shy, but this time he really didn’t mind. Keeping memories like this actually felt important to him, unlike the many times he’d been forced to pose with his family at functions he’d also been made to attend. Those occasions had always felt so insincere - less about enjoying the memory and more about trying to prove their status as the polished, functional family everyone aspired to.
He saw Willie dismount for a moment and stretch his legs. Gripping the reins and looking around in uncertainty, Alex realized he’d gotten on before ensuring he could properly get off. Thankfully, Willie noticed and came up to him, hands raised.
“Okay, so just...carefully lift your foot out of the stirrup and swing your leg over toward me,” he instructed. Sucking in a breath hesitantly, Alex did as he said. “Alright, then...here.” Willie offered a hand for Alex to grab so he could slide off with ease. Landing on the ground, he leaned into Willie to gain his balance, and felt a congratulatory pat on his back. It took more restraint than Alex anticipated to not simply wrap his arms around him and sit like that for an indefinite amount of time. They had all day ahead of them; he didn’t need the sudden fear of losing him to derail things out of nowhere.
“Sorry if I look like a wimp about all this,” he said, letting go of his hand.
“Nah, don’t sweat it,” Willie assured him, shaking his head. “This is...this is new.”
His eyes seemed to take Alex in from head to toe and Alex could’ve sworn the charge in the air between them would buzz if they got closer, spark if they made contact. It was almost like that moment in front of Willie’s door the week before. For a few seconds they remained locked in that trance before Willie took hold of the horse’s reins and handed them to Alex.
“Technically this trail could take hours, but I’m guessing this isn’t all you’re interested in today,” he said. “What do you say we stretch our legs a bit and then ride back?”
Looking from the reins in his hand back to Willie, Alex nodded.
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
Opening his backpack, Willie handed him an apple and then bit down into one of his own. Taking a bite, it was one of the most refreshing apples Alex ever eaten. They walked the horses a little ways and tried to get good pictures of the different views around them. Alex asked to try his hand with the camera and get a few good shots of Willie. He didn’t consider himself a photographer, but he doubted when the photos got developed that they would turn out badly. The way Willie smiled made him seem like he was made of sunlight from the inside out.
As they rode back to the barn, Alex kept replaying those moments where he’d refrained from making a move over in his head. This had been strike two. If he continued on like this, he was going to hate himself for the rest of eternity, he was pretty sure. Was it some weird kind of side effect of the whole ‘Willie come back to life’ thing? Watching him affectionately say goodbye to his horse once they were ready to leave, Alex looked at his own horse and raised a tentative hand up to her nose.
The mare gazed back, patience gleaming in her eyes. He finally set his hand down on her nose and gently rubbed it up and down, smiling a little to himself. This wasn’t so bad. He could do this - it was just a matter of getting through all the barriers he made for himself in his head. Moving his hands from the horse’s nose, he stroked along her neck, and caught Willie smiling at him from the corner of his eye.
“You wanna try feeding her an apple?” he asked.
Thinking for a few seconds, Alex nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
Pulling one out of his backpack, Willie placed it in Alex’s palm.
“Alright, so hold it out in front of you like this…” He positioned Alex to offer the apple. “And keep your palm flat.”
Alex uncurled his fingers and after sniffing at it a little the mare ate it out of his hand. He could ignore the sensation of her mouth touching him because Willie still had his arm around his shoulder to hold him steady. They looked at each other, and Alex wished he could get a proper shot at Willie’s face at that angle with the camera.
“Looks like you’re gonna get the hang of this,” Willie commended.
Alex looked back up at the horse, a little bit of pride swelling in his chest. “Yeah, I think I will.”
Later, they went to the beach at Alex’s suggestion. He was perched on the surface of a picnic table, posed as if he were looking off into the distance. Willie sketched with great concentration, having taken his hair out of his braids so he could run his hand through it. The late afternoon sun brought out all the best color contrasts in their surroundings - one of the things Alex loved about coming to the beach at this time of day.
“So I have a question,” Alex started, trying not to move too much. His tendency to talk with his hands kept getting him in trouble.
“Shoot,” Willie prompted him, not looking up.
“Did Caleb let you go to school or anything? Or did he provide any sort of education at all?”
Squinting, Willie looked thoughtful for a moment.
“So, after the accident, he told me that I’d had to be taken out of school,” he began, continuing to sketch. “Which makes sense, I guess, if I forgot everything. I remember some basic things, like math wasn’t hard to pick up again. Once I was recovered enough to go places, he just let me go to the public library and find whatever I wanted to read. But he always insisted on not having reminders of who I was before and said it was supposed to be helping me ‘become my own person’. He got rid of things like my school yearbooks and old journals and things. I didn’t think anything of it at first because he’d just called it useless clutter and I believed him. As soon as he decided I was fit enough to work in the diner and help out at the hotel, he told me to forget about school. Anything else I picked up was from watching TV, or listening to the radio, or something. Sometimes I’ll just remember I know something after hearing about it and it’s like it was just always there.”
Listening intently, Alex marveled at the whole thing. The fact that Caleb was not only negligent, but actively discouraging Willie from knowing anything, made him wish he could take down the man’s whole career. However, he figured Willie probably had a lot of his intelligence still untapped. If he’d been able to get away from Caleb and somehow create a life for himself in the span of a few months, Alex wondered what else he was capable of.
“What’s something you remember?” he wondered.
“I guess I used to be really obsessed with space. Just planets and stars and all that. I can spout off facts about Jupiter’s moons and stuff like that. Did you know that the moon Europa has a saltwater ocean under a layer of ice?”
Alex shook his head. “No, I didn’t. That sounds really cool though.” He thought of the stickers on Willie’s ceiling and smirked a little before reassuming his pose.
“I sort of wish I could remember being in school,” Willie was saying. “Everyone else seems to just share all of those memories and understand each other that way.”
Alex saw his brow furrow, and could tell he felt left out. He pondered on his own experience growing up in public school. There was almost no other way he would’ve met Luke, Bobby and Reggie if they hadn’t all attended the same schools. While he could easily critique and complain about it to no end, he knew it was a privilege.
“School is definitely hard,” he told Willie. “But I did get my friends out of it, and I guess that makes up for it. If it’s any consolation, you could just complain about Caleb like he was your horrible English teacher who thought he knew more about the subject of your essay, but you cited all of your sources and they proved him completely wrong.”
Willie laughed. “Why? Did that happen to you?”
Alex bobbed his head from side to side and feigned looking thoughtful . “Maybe.”
“I kind of like reducing him to a loser English teacher. He just sounds petty and sad.”
“That’s high school,” Alex confirmed.
Leaning back from his work for a minute to take it all in, Willie brushed a hand through his hair.
“Here, you wanna take a look at it?” he said. Alex hopped off the table and went to stand over Willie’s shoulder at the drawing and was immediately rendered speechless. The detail was impeccable, but Alex was more impressed by the feeling he got looking at it. Willie had managed to make him appear...handsome, and pensive, and fascinating, like anyone else could look at him and create a million unique ideas of who he was. However, it wasn’t anyone else looking at him, it was Willie, and what he’d captured felt like the truth. Alex couldn’t really explain what that meant, only that it was an honest representation.
“Okay, I know I said the one back at your place made me look good, but this is...this is unreal.”
He could see Willie trying to be modest, but the corners of his lips couldn’t stay down. Funny enough, he appeared even more unable to find words, and simply beamed as he looked back and forth between his sketch and Alex’s face.
A sudden impulse came over Alex, and he kicked off his shoes and pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it on top of Willie’s skateboard and backpack. Willie sat looking flustered for a moment.
“Wanna swim?” Alex nodded toward the waves, bidding Willie to follow. He didn’t wait for him to catch up as he immediately began running into the waves up to his knees. Alex knew his pants would be even more ruined the second he hit the salty water, but he didn’t care. Now the sun was beginning to set and the chill of the waves was refreshing, and he couldn’t express what he felt just then in any other way.
Willie tackled him from behind, climbing onto his back and nearly knocking him over into the shallow tide. Clambering back to his feet, Alex splashed water at him. They began a playful water fight back and forth, until they were both drenched. Eventually, Alex tried to catch hold of both Willie’s hands in an attempt to prevent being splashed anymore. He had the advantage of longer arms, but before he could get a tight hold of the second arm Willie’s leg swept under his and they both fell just as a large wave washed over them.
As the water pulled back, they sat in the sand in a tangle, laughing. All Alex could think of was how pretty Willie was in this light, hair swept back off his face with tendrils resting over his shoulders, sun gleaming in his eyes and constantly shining from the inside out. The laughter died between them and he caught a look in Willie’s eye that made him wonder if he appeared to him to be just as perfect in that moment.
This time his mind and body worked in sync as he lifted a hand and gently pulled Willie into a short, tender kiss. All the self-flagellation from earlier was washed away in one pure moment, and exhilaration moved into its place. It felt soft and sweet, just the way he expected it should. Just as quickly as he’d let go, Willie went in for another one, a little longer and a little deeper. One hand remained caressing his cheek while the other wrapped around his upper back. Alex couldn’t help smiling into another kiss; he was too happy to care about anything else. Hardly a week ago, this had been impossible.
As they let go, their hands came together and they looked into each other's eyes, both releasing a relieved chuckle. Willie looked at the rest of the beach behind them and Alex’s eyes followed, but at this hour there were too few people around and no one paying attention to them. Turning back to Alex, Willie sighed and shook his head with a smile.
“Wow,” was all he said, biting his lip.
“Yeah, I’d definitely do that again,” Alex smirked, until the joy in his chest converted it into a full grin.
A wave washed over them again and they both stood, shaking out their hair and trying to wipe off whatever sand they could. Heading back up the beach, Willie grabbed Alex’s hand so they could make their way up together. The sun was nearly set but Alex was sure it had just gone into his chest, bursting with excitement. Once they reached the picnic table, they gathered their things and Willie offered to carry Alex’s shirt inside his backpack on the way home. Thank goodness there were a few patches of grass so Alex could try to get a little more sand off his feet before putting his shoes back on.
“So how long have you been sitting on that?” Willie teased as he slung his backpack over his shoulder and they left the beach.
“Shut up,” Alex laughed, knowing he was being called out.
“No, really!” Willie bumped his side jokingly. “I want to know!”
Tilting his head back to try to remember, it didn’t take Alex long to give him the answer.
“Since day one,” he told him.
Surprise swept over Willie’s face as he looked at Alex.
“Seriously?” he asked.
Alex nodded.
“Me too.”
It was Alex’s turn to look surprised. Without saying another word, he took Willie’s hand in his and then kissed it before continuing back toward his place. The whole way they talked about all the different things they needed to do together in the future. Riding on more horse trails, dancing lessons, skating lessons, art modeling sessions, going to band practices and gigs, visiting the record store while Willie wasn’t working, etc. They both agreed that the entire day technically counted as a date, and all further plans would as well. Alex was reminded once again that he didn’t have a notebook to write things down in, and vowed to have one for the next time he saw Willie. Once they reached Willie’s door, they had already put their shirts back on and it was completely dark outside.
“Are you free any time next week?” Willie asked, still holding onto Alex’s hand.
“I wish I could say yes, but probably not. And as much as I’d love to give you my number, it’s really not the best idea.”
“Well, I could give you mine,” Willie said.
Alex shot him a confused look. Holding up a finger, Willie dug into his backpack until he found his sketchbook and tore off the corner of a page, quickly scribbling one down and handing it to Alex.
“It’s actually the one for work,” he said. “But if it’s what we can do for now, I’ll do it. Kyle won’t care.”
Looking at it for a minute and then stashing it in his now-dry pocket, Alex took hold of Willie’s chin and went to kiss him again. It was really hard to stop, but they soon broke apart.
“I gotta go,” Alex murmured.
Willie only nodded, squeezing his hand before letting go and slipping his own into his pocket.
“I’ll call you.”
“Okay.”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Once again heading up the short set of stairs to the sidewalk, Alex rubbed his lips together, relishing in the taste of what he and Willie had just done. He couldn’t imagine anything sweeter.
#julie and the phantoms#jatp#fanfic#jatp fanfic#sunset curve#alive au#willex#willie#alex mercer#luke patterson#reggie peters#bobby wilson#julie molina#caleb covington#viva las vegas#with him#fiddlepickdouglas
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BC/AD
I want to tell this story. I think it is important to tell, especially in this moment—when collectively we are straining against the changes wrought by a global pandemic.
Maybe I should start by saying that sometimes stories are something you’ve been working on in your life for years. You’ve crafted and cultivated it. Nurtured and pruned it to your liking. But this story was thrust upon me. This story began in an instant and I could do nothing but see it play out, catch up to its lightning speed pace, and hold on for dear life.
This story began on January 13, 2018 at approximately 11:30pm. It began with a sleeping child on a gurney in a hospital emergency room with his worried parents and a hesitant ER doctor.
While holding my sleeping child, I was given the worst news you could imagine: “He has blasts in his blood. When a child has these blasts it points to leukemia or lymphoma. We’ll be admitting your son tonight.” Cancer. Six letters that spell something life changing.
I remember a teacher once describing the difference between B.C. and A.D. when referring to dates in a history book. When I was a child, I used to think about it as “Before Christ” and “After Death” (meaning Christ’s death). I always thought it was such a strange and monumental way to mark time. Now, it doesn’t seem so strange. Our lives are literally divided into B.C., “Before Cancer” and A.D. “After Diagnosis.” But I’m getting ahead of myself.
For all we knew, our son was a healthy and happy almost three year old. He was a younger brother and would soon become a big brother—just two months prior to this night we had discovered we were pregnant with our third child. He liked Paw Patrol and playing soccer and other sports. An old soul from birth, our middle child both impressed and challenged my husband and I with his iron-strong will.
He had gotten a cold shortly before Christmas. But unlike before, he didn’t bounce back to his normal effervescent self. He got pale, was emotional, lost his appetite and after we spent the night of January 12th up every hour with him moaning, my husband decided to take him to the pediatric urgent care. I had to go to work that afternoon. I run a community wide children’s program in Montclair, New Jersey. My husband said he’d take both boys to the urgent care if he still wasn’t better after his afternoon nap. I met them there that evening after the event, in time to hold my son down while they fished around for a vein from which to draw blood. I hate getting blood drawn. When I was a child, I’d had to be held down because my younger brother was sick and they wanted to make sure I was okay. It traumatized me. But more than having my blood drawn, I hated having to be the one holding my child down for this. Little did I know that this would become a routine part of our existence.
While I waited with our middle son for the blood results, the other two hit up Smashburger in the strip mall next door. It was dinner time now and we were anticipating a rush once we left the urgent care to get our kids fed and ready for bed. Instead, the doctor came in and asked if there was someone local who could take care of our older son while we went to the pediatric emergency room. She was very specific: take him to [redacted for privacy]; no, you cannot go home and eat dinner with your children first. And don’t Google anything. I remember how strange that comment was—mostly because I didn’t even know what I would Google. She hadn’t told us anything about the blood results, only that we needed to go immediately to the Pediatric ER and that she’d called ahead.
We called our pastor, and his wife came over to stay with my oldest until my sister could get out to us from Long Island City.
My husband and I spent the 20-minute car ride to the emergency room trying to distract our two year old with his favorite song at the time: I’m Still Standing from the movie SING! An Elton John classic. It instantly became our mantra in the days ahead.
So there we were, the ER doctor just left the room after dropping the cancer bombshell us. I instantly started weeping, as did my husband. It was completely surreal. An orderly came in to wheel us up to the fifth floor of the hospital. We gathered our things. I was on the gurney with our still sleeping boy. It was after midnight now. January 14th. I don’t think I fully processed that leukemia was cancer until I saw the sign “Pediatric Hematology/Oncology” painted over the door we entered on the fifth floor. It was a waking nightmare.
We were 23 days in the hospital after his initial diagnosis. The first few days were a whirl of tests, surgeries and a steady rotation of doctors, nurses, and specialists. There was paperwork to sign: releasing the doctors and hospital of liability if something happened to our child when he was under sedation for a port placement, spinal tap, and chemo infusions. There was a social worker, a nutritionist, and a flurry of texts from family members and friends as we slowly put the word out.
Around day seven we got another bombshell—type 1 diabetes. Yep. We got a “two-fer.” So not only were we learning all we could about acute lymphoblastic leukemia and fielding calls, texts, and emails from family, friends, and friends of friends who knew someone with leukemia, but we were learning how to take blood glucose readings through “finger sticks,” calculate insulin to carbohydrate ratios, and give manual insulin injections to our son. Our son lost 9 pounds—which on a tiny toddler body renders a child gaunt. He started to associate finger sticks and shots with eating, so naturally, he stopped wanting to eat. They had to put an NG tube in—a tube that goes up the nose, down the back of the throat and esophagus directly into the stomach, so that we could give him Pediasure if he didn’t eat. He caught a cold somewhere around week two, which meant isolating him to his hospital room. He rarely smiled, he mostly slept and cried about taking the few oral medications he had to take daily. By the time of discharge, he could barely walk. His muscles had atrophied from being in bed for so long. Our once very active child couldn’t even climb the stairs at home or get up from a sitting position without assistance.
The day after we were discharged we were right back in the outpatient clinic at the hospital wrapping up the first of five cycles of what is called Frontline Treatment. Each cycle, outside of that first month is 60 days. But it isn’t necessarily a straight 60 days through. Continuing treatment is tied to how a child’s blood counts (red and white blood cells, platelets, and immune cells) are doing. If they are too low, they won’t continue treatment. If they are dangerously low, you’ll be spending a full day in the clinic getting a blood or platelet transfusion. Some cycles require weekly visits to clinic, some daily. Some cycles had four day hospital admittances. It was a tsunami of information and so many appointments to keep track of, along with his diabetic appointments and my OB appointments. And when we weren’t at clinic we were at home. Our son could no longer be in his daycare. We had to forego his friends’ birthday parties and play dates. It took our boy 11 months to finish Frontline Treatment.
The isolation felt overpowering at times. The parts of life we had to give up, the ways we had to change our routines to protect his fragile immune system. We were in survival mode and mostly just trying to get through each day. He hit remission in May 2018. But while he had no detectable cancer cells in his blood, it didn’t mean there weren’t any—and we would have to complete three more years of treatment.
Fast forward to March 2020. Our son has been in what is called “long-term maintenance” for a little over two years (meaning 14 months more until we are off of treatment). He’s been thriving: back at school, managing his meds well, his endocrinology team has been very happy with how we’ve managed his diabetes amidst chemotherapy and steroid treatments . . .
We’d been increasingly worried about what we were hearing in the news about a novel virus: COVID-19. We pulled our middle child out of school a couple of days before the state stepped in and mandated stay in place orders. Suddenly, the whole world was navigating a BC/AD moment: Before Coronavirus/After Disease. Everyone’s lives were instantly changed; families were having to adjust their routines for a huge unknown. Gloves and masks and disinfectant: a norm in our lives for two years now, were becoming household staples.
During our son’s frontline treatment we did not have to follow recent practices to the extreme, but since the stay in place orders, so many of our friends and family have been reaching out. “So this is what this was like.” Yes. Yes, this is a lot like what we have navigated since our son was diagnosed with leukemia. It’s hard, right?
It is hard. And the collective grief that we are all processing as a result of losing jobs, daily routines, a sense of control, and even loved ones can be overwhelming at times. But always, always amidst the darkness, there is light. There is joy and gratitude that can be cultivated and expressed. There are acts of selflessness and generosity to be witnessed and to perform. This is the “brutiful” gift of a situation like this. And really, this is an opportunity to pause and take stock of what is essential to our human existence and to a life well lived.
Nobody asked for this. Nobody wants it. But we find ourselves in the midst of it anyway. What we do and how we hold space in this time is what will matter moving forward. It will be part of our story. That is all I can offer you. In these BC/AD moments, there isn’t a simple solution or even a lot of answers. But I do know this, we will make it through. Life moving forward will not be the same. It can’t be. But we will find our new normal. My hope? That the new normal will mean that we seek and cultivate community more. That we realize we have all been helped by others and that we NEED others to make it through this life. That we have more generosity and compassion for one another because we are more aware that we’ve all been through some shit. Selah.
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84 Random Things About This Week’s So You Think You Can Dance (S14E8)
1. Time to reveal the Top 10!
2. Every season, it’s a struggle to get through the Vegas—excuse me, “Academy”—episodes and then suddenly, we’re competing.
3. Group Performance - All-Stars “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” This was just really beautiful, and perfectly showed why these dancers are All-Stars. Only 4 of them are contemporary dancers, but they all dance it so beautifully. The choreography is lovely; I think my favorite movements are the little wrist-flicks that occasionally happen to “knock-knock-knocking.” Also, literally every time I see Robert dance I get really teary-eyed because, y’know, he almost died. And then he was told he might never dance again. Just overall, absolutely beautiful.
4. And I guarantee you it was a Travis Wall number.
5. Well fuck me in the ass, it was Mandy Moore.
6. I don’t know if you know this, but she was the choreographer for the Academy Award nominated movie La La Land.
7. I don’t know if you heard of that movie.
8. It’s called La La Land.
9. Also, just so you know, Mandy Moore choreographed it. The show doesn’t like to brag about it much.
10. So You Think You Can Dance choreographer Mandy Moore did the choreography for La La Land.
11. Twitch and Allison are literally the most adorable thing to exist, and you can’t convince me otherwise.
12. The only thing I care about when it comes to who’s in the Top 10 is whether or not Dassy made it, because she is My Everything (by Ariana Grande).
13. Cat just said “Rama Lama” and I got chills. No group number will ever beat that dance.
14. WADE ROBSON HAD A KID?!
15. Wade Robson is straight?
16. Oh fuck, I completely forgot about Vanessa Hudgens.
17. Oh Mary. Oh Mary, what are these bubble sleeves? It looks like a 6-year old designed their ideal wedding dress.
18. Come on, Fik-Shun, don’t let me down. Pick Dassy. Choose Dassy.
19. YAS BITCH DASSY YAS!
20. Daisy & All-Star Fik-Shun “Shake Your Pants” - Hip-hop, choreographed by Poppin Pete Watching Dassy dance just makes me smile so much. She just looks like she’s having so much fun and it draws my eye to her. Fid-Shun is probably one of the most talented and likable dancers on this series and I can’t even watch him right now, because Dassy’s energy completely steals the show. I don’t really care for this routine, but it doesn’t matter, because they look like they’re having fun, so it makes me feel like I”m having fun.
21. Vanessa Hudgens just had a full judging moment that didn’t make me want to roll my eyes. Good job, V!
22. I really hope Allison chose Logan. There was something about his audition for the All-Stars that made me just keep gasping.
23. Well I’m 2 for 2 for picks. Let’s see if I can keep this up. Which means I just shot myself in the foot.
24. Logan & All-Star Audrey (of whom I have NO knowledge whatsoever because I didn’t watch Season 9) “Protocol” - Contemporary, choreographed by Tyce Diorio I know Allison was concerned about Logan only being 18, but he honestly dances beyond his years. He has a maturity about him in this routine where he’s just…in charge. Sometimes his hands get a little weak, like the moves don’t quite reach all the way through his arms. And I honestly didn’t watch Audrey at all, sorry ‘bout it girl. BUT I think this is one of my favorite routines Tyce has ever done—really sexy, really dangerous—and I wish so much I could’ve seen Allison dance it with Logan.
25. I have no idea who Audrey is, but major props to her for learning this routine literally HOURS before the performance.
26. And Zachary got picked up to play Mr. Mestophales in Cats, which just shows that some things are meant to be, and some are not, and he should be very proud of himself.
27. I want Jenna to have chosen Kiki because I think he’s sexy as fuck, and also because I feel like Concrete kind of gave up and that’s a big red flag.
28. YES! KIKI! Three for three.
29. Kiki and All-Star Jenna “There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back” - Cha-Cha, choreographed by Dmitry Chaplin First of all: Kiki is sexy as fuuuuuuuuuuuc, holy shit. Second of all, a Shawn Mendes song for a cha-cha? At least it’s not that friendzone bullshit “Treat You Better.” ANYWAY. Kiki is an extremely good dancer when it comes to technique, but this cha-cha mostly lacks a lot of sex appeal from him (apparently I find him sexy because he’s a hot dork and not because of his dancing). There’s only one moment where i really believe him as Jenna’s partner, and it’s when she kicks back into a développé and he has a moment of sexual chemistry with her. Otherwise, it feels like he’s just there as a prop. And it sucks because goddammit, Jenna is sexy as shit right now (secretly I really love her shh don’t tell) and I just keep looking at her because she’s stealing the show, simply by connecting to the style and tone of the dance. His partner work is great, but I just need a little more OOMPH from him to really care about him as a competitor.
30. But as long as Kiki keeps his shirt open like that, I’m good.
31. “I’d like to dance a paso doble with him, I tell ya” is still my all-time favorite Mary Murphy moment.
32. “It was very tough on Kiki because I found it very difficult to take my eyes off you…I just worry that the audience is not going to see a lot of your incredible world class style.” There we go. Nigel nailed it for me. Kiki is a sexy dancer, but Jenna is just in this stratosphere where Kiki is going to have to WORK just to enter it.
33. I care less about whom Cyrus chose as a partner than I do about Cyrus, which is to say very little.
34. OH! I do care about whom Cyrus chose, because I really want Kaylee to be on this show. I loved her audition in a way that I loved Melanie Moore’s audition in Season 8.
35. THANK YOU, Cyrus. You finally did something right. Also, 4/4.
36. Kaylee & All-Star Cyrus “Clown” - Contemporary, choreographed by Tessandra Chavez Stunning choreography that somehow incorporates contemporary, hip-hop, and ballroom. I don’t always love Kaylee’s face, in a way that I can’t explain. I think her face over-acts, maybe? But she dances the routine BEAUTIFULLY. Her body tells the story that her face is trying too hard to tell.
37. I’m not in the slightest bit surprised to find that Vanessa Hudgens has been in a fight where she threw shoes at someone, or at least, that she wished she had thrown shoes at someone and is just pretending she did.
38. Honestly, if Gaby didn’t choose Lex, she’d be a moron. I’ve had him pegged for Top 10 from his first audition.
39. Fuck, I’ve had him pegged as Top 4 since his first audition.
40. Good choice, Gabs. 5/5
41. Lex & All-Star Gaby “More” - Tap, choreographed by Anthony Morigerato Lex seems really relaxed, and in a performance pocket that you only find by letting go and just being in it and feeling the groove. This isn’t my favorite tap routine on this show, but I love it for how classically performative it is, like, the very essence of 30s/40s dancing. It’s making me really happy because both Gaby and Lex are having fun with it. I still think Lex has the power to make it to Top Four, especially after seeing him let go with a routine like this.
42. “There was a really sweet, bashful, charming thing about you!” Hudgens kind of just pointed it out: I think Lex probably always felt like he had to be this super serious adult and no one ever let him be a kid, until Sonya and Gaby finally gave him permission.
43. “There’s only one form of transportation on this show and it’s the HOT TAMALE TRAIN WOO-WOOOOOO!” There was a time when I absolutely hated the Hot Tamale Train, but now I love how it’s, like, quintessential SYTYCD material.
44. It’s like that one aunt you always thought was super over-the-top, but then you grew up and realized that she just likes to have fun and not take things too seriously.
45. COMFORT. MARK WAS THE FIRST AUDITIONED THIS SEASON AND HIS AUDITION HEALED ME. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PICK HIM.
46. COMFORT YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF MY FAVORITES AND YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE THANK YOU SO MUCH.
47. ALSO 6/6 I AM DOING SO GOOD.
48. Mark & All-Star Comfort “REDMERCEDES” - Hip-Hop, choreographed by Luther Brown Y’all. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but this routine ended and I just BURST into tears. There is something about this man that just makes my life so GOOD when I watch him dance. It just makes everything feel better. OKAY: Mark has swag. That seems like a weird thing to say, but he came out with swag and humor, and he kept up with Comfort in a style where she could easily overpower him (*cough*Kiki*cough*), but he Kept. Up. This is definitely a routine I’d go back to watch again and again, because it was so entertaining, in both choreography and execution.
49. “Do you know who Rufio is?” “Yeah, bangarang, baby!” Mark, I already want to marry you, you didn’t have to do that.
50. “You just lit. It. Up. out there on the floor.” File under: Things I Never Thought I’d Hear Mary Say
51. Now that we’ve seen Mark be a complete and total ham (and apparently needing to be censored), it’ll be interesting to see if he can ever pull some sort of restraint.
52. Remember how I love Marko? Fuck, I love Marko. “Turn to Stone” is still my all-time favorite routine this show has ever produced.
53. I honestly don’t remember either of Marko’s team members, but let’s say he chooses Koine.
54. Oh look, he chose Koine! 7/7.
55. Koine & All-Star Marko “Memories” - Contemporary, choreographed by Stacey Tookey (so you know she was like, “This routine is about love, and a connection between two people who have very strong feelings, and just an overall sense of humanity” I mean the song is called fucking MEMORIES for God’s sake, I fucking hate Stacey Tookey but I won’t hold it against Koine and Marko) Koine’s extension is unbelievable. Her lines are so crisp and clean and so well completed that it’s like she becomes a dull three feet longer than she is. There’s a great moment where the combination of choreography, music, and lighting design gave me tingles, when the lights flashed like stars and suddenly everything was golden. And just as I was about to pan Stacey fucking Tookey for this polaroid moment at the end, I Got the routine, and cry-gasped. Fuck you, Tookey, you win this time.
56. Goddammit, Marko is so beautiful? Like? I can’t?
57. I’m going to have to go back and watch this one. It really was magical, Stacey.
58. And the word “magical” is not one I like to use to describe performances.
59. But like? Marko’s face? It’s just? So Beautiful?
60. Other people I don’t remember: Paul’s team.
61. I 100% even forgot that Paul was one of the all-stars.
62. He grew up into a fine-ass man, tho. Like, damn.
63. Let’s say he goes with Sydney, because why not?
64. OH HE CHOSE SYDNEY! 8/8
65. Sydney & All-Star Paul “All Stars” - Ballroom, choreographed by Val Chmerkovisky This honestly feels so much like a “Dancing With The Stars” routine. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don’t care about Sydney at all, and this is the worst ballroom routine I’ve ever seen Paul do. Like, Sydney has great legs? And she seems to be doing everything well enough? But Paul is super-showy, and I don’t see a connection between the two of them at all. I blame the choreography, which I absolutely hate, like, wtf Val.
66. Oh, right, Val is a DWTS choreographer. ‘Nuff said.
67. “What beautiful ankles you have” is a compliment you’d only hear on a show like this, and I love it.
68. Sydney really does have great ankles though.
69. MY BOYFRIEND ROBERT ROLDAN IS ABOUT TO DANCE A TRAVIS WALL ROUTINE NOBODY LOOK AT ME.
70. I don’t remember Jonathan or Taylor, but to be honest, I don’t remember a lot of this season’s auditions.
71. I kind of hope Robert chooses Jonathan just so I can see two guys dance together this, but I’m gonna say he chose Taylor.
72. Oh look, I’m 9/9.
73. I just realized Cat Deeley’s outfit looks like the dress version of Britney Spears red leather jumpsuit from the “Oops” video.
74. Taylor & All-Star Robert “Change is Everything” - Contemporary, choreographed by Travis Wall Stunning body control from both of them. Beautiful shapes. This choreography is ridiculous. Really elegant but animalistic at the same time. This routine is A Story that 100 people could interpret 100 different ways, and Robert and Taylor are Telling It. It ends with this great forward drop from Taylor and Robert stiff-arm catching her, and I just went, “Oh!” Absolutely amazing. I’m speechless.
75. Also, Travis, here’s your next Emmy nomination. I’m going to watch this 700 times to catch all 700 stories, especially considering the lyrical play on words “This moment, change is everything” “This moment changes everything.”
76. And you guys, Robert was supposed to have NEVER DANCED AGAIN I AM A MESS.
77. Nigel hasn’t remembered any of the dancers I haven’t remembered, and that makes me feel very, very worried.
78. Okay, Jasmine. Let’s round it out with 100%.
79. I don’t remember her team either, fuck.
80. I’m gonna say Robert.
81. Holy shit, I just went 10/10 choosing the Top 10. ALSO HE LOOKS SO HAPPY TO BE IN THE TOP TEN GOOD CHOICE JASMINE.
82. Robert & All-Star Jasmine “Perm” - Hip-hop, choreographed by Chris Scott Robert is a total showman. He might not have the technique or be the best dancer, but he goes out and lays it all out there, and just has a shit ton of fun. He knows how to work choreography and the crowd to make it a good time for all. Halfway thru, the choreography gets kinda “meh” for me, which happens with a lot of Chris Scott routines for me (he’s the Ryan Murphy of dance), but it’s saved by Jasmine and Robert having the attitude to sell it.
83. The fact that Jasmine was one of Beyonce’s dancers makes me so fucking happy and inappropriately proud.
84. Group Performance - All Performers “This Time” - Jazz, choreographed by Wade & Amanda Robson, and Tony Testa I feel like the routine built up to a moment that didn’t happen at the end, and it was no Rama Lama, but who cares. It was a fucking mind-bend to watch.
My Top Three 1. Taylor & All-Star Robert - “Change Is Everything” 2. Mark & All-Star Comfort - “REDMERCEDES” 3. Koine & All-Star Marko - “Memories”
My Bottom Three 3. Kaylee & All-Star Cyrus - “Clown”: When I thought back on the routines, I didn’t remember this one. 2. Kiki & All-Star Jenna - “There’s Nothing Holding Me Back”: Jenna sold it, but Kiki is the competitor and he didn’t shine 1. Sydney & All-Star Paul - “All Star”: I hated everything about this performance
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