#ok. so all my applications r submitted now. which is something bc at 7pm i didnt think it was going to
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#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do#no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive.#its out of control and its killing me#stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant#even fucking breathe?#this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow#when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i#overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae#if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao#lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready#for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least#which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk#i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces#its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript#at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok#part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck#i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much#which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck#anyway im procrastinating#unrelated#my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗#and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura
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#ok. so all my applications r submitted now. which is something bc at 7pm i didnt think it was going to#i mean. i did half ass the last one. like i wrote the personal statement and research statement in December as a draft#and today i was like oh fuck thats due tomorrow. fuck it. submit. i wish the project was in the US bc i think ive decided i dont wanna do a#uk phd but fuck it lets see what happens. if they want me then ill give minimal effort for the competitive selection process and anticipate#being cut early. i really didnt wanna do it. bc i just dont think i have the energy for the interviews if i get selected but since i didnt#want to that means i had to so here we r. i was kinda bitchy in the personal statement too bc they basically asked for everything in the#research statement so like y tf did u make me write 2 fuck off i spend so much fucking time on that bullshit#anyway. thats one less thing to worry abt but i did just realize i have like 3 days to completely overhaul my last manuscript#so uh thats gonna be fucking fun#sigh... and i try out measurements tomorrow so well see how bad this is gonna hurt :-P#jesus. i just realized im gonna have to intensely pay attention for like 8hrs tomorrow and then manuscript write into the night#fuck. and i need to go to the store agh#unrelated
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