#ok woo might be more accurate than seduce

[smokedstorybara]

I love this so now I’m gonna go through all my major characters and answer the 3rd question for them (I’ve already done the first 2 for most)

Shadow Warriors:

Alexir - yes, if she thought it was necessary, she definitely would

Svartr - for fun? Yes. For his kids? Yes. For any other reason? Maybe.

Snærr, Svanhildr, and Regnbogi - if Alexir is, yeah

Hrodebert - NO! Why would you do that???

Vagabond Baron:

Konstantin - maybe? Like, he’s not gonna seek out god for a one v one without good cause, but he definitely won’t hesitate

Damyan - yeah, probably

Lilyana and Marketa - yep

Consequences:

Jwala - definitely. Without question

Sangrid - maybe, but she won’t be happy about it

The Being - would not, cause likes to think it is god

The Rift:

Aisha - yes, but only to protect her people

Ikram - only if very much necessary and would be freaking out the whole time

Caradoc and Julio - would prefer not to, but may if needed

Chief Director Smith - would rather seduce god but, y’know, whatever razzles your dazzle

writing tip #3063:

remember to answer the three most important questions of character-driven stories:

1) what does your character want?

2) what is standing in the way of them getting it?

3) would your character fIGHT GOD? WELL? WOULD THEY????

[thelioninmybed]

Do you and June think Yreth and Tuluspen have ever interacted with Dagnis? i like the idea of them being momentarily united in their shared distaste for her. Or maybe they'd all get along great???? Who knows! Not me!

Although Dagnis, Tuluspen and Yreth do all exist in the same horrible shared universe (Tuluspen and Dagnis even appear together in the next chapter of You Are Coming Down With Me!), I don’t think we’d actually considered how the three of them get on. 

Now we have. 

June: I feel like yreth would really appreciate dagnis

Lion: from a safe distance

June: She proves her right about EVERYTHING

Lion: YUP

June: She doesn’t want to be in an enclosed space with her but bigod is she good for someone looking for evidence of feanorion garbness

Lion: Right, the fact they’ve not put her down is PRETTY TELLING

June: fuck ok i’m having an idea

what if dagnis picks up on how much tuluspen hates her and decides to be oblivious about it

Lion: ooooooh

Friendly even!

June: and decides to follow her around like a devoted

weaselthing

Lion: YES

June: ‘we have so much in common’ she growls happily

Lion: god, Dagnis is the actual worst? I love her SO MUCH

June: ‘my master and yours, our lives are so common, hoo yiss’

tuluspen has never felt more defensive of maedhros

Lion: ahahahaaha

(and she is never NOT feeling defensive of Maedhros) (all those tumblr posts about how great he is and how he never did anything wrong ever are all her)

June: (100%)

dagnis leaves her little gifts

the poos were wooing!

Lion: awwwwwww lil’ bits of tasty squirrel for her new bestie

June: owl pellets

terrible poetry

if you’ve never heard ‘you soak my loins like a bitch wolf in heat’ warbled outside your bedroom window

you are missing out

Lion: oh my god I’m swooning

June: tuluspen is beside herself

maedhros shrugs, if he could have done anything about dagnis she would have been dead in the compost heap 150 years ago

Lion: Maedhros this is a hostile working environment you are cultivating

'seduce her back. I don’t know.’

June: 'they’ll be leaving soon’ he says, with a note of hope but not much conviction

listen, if tuluspen could seduce anyone, things would be very different

Lion: Is Tuluspen the least seductive character in all the legendariums? Probably

Dagnis definitely wouldn’t pretend to be Fingon so she wouldn’t be able to get off anyway

June: that log that gollum paddles around? might be slightly less winsome and flirtatious than tuluspen

Lion: But only once the mould started growing on it

June: right, before that it would outcharm her

Lion: Tuluspen’s girlfriend is only with her out of spite  😞

June: i don’t think dagnis and tuluspen ever get physical (i really hope not) but if they did, dagnis would definitely give her the worst orgasms of her life

shameful, terrible, nightmarish orgasms

Lion: They definitely don’t but Tuluspen probably has a horrible sex dream about her

And can handle her even less afterwards

June: okay but about tuluspen’s girlfriend i feel like yreth would be BEYOND amused

tuluspen has never talked this much to yreth, it is all complaining

(shit, yes, imagine tuluspen not being able to make eye contact with dagnis and dagnis knowing IMMEDIATELY)

Lion: Tuluspen talking to her about things that aren’t their duties or part of unhealthy roleplay!

(Dagnis was howling outside her window for exactly that reason)(it was very sensual howling, she knew the effect it would have) (Maedhros also had a nightmare about Dagnis that night but it was, tbh, still better than his usual nightmares)

June: dagnis lurks up to yreth at some point and is like 'for $100 and your horse i’ll let you white knight at me for your girlfriend’

yreth is conflicted, on the one hand she doesn’t actually feel the need to HELP tuluspen, on the other this would be GREAT role play fodder

Lion: oh no Yreth don’t do it, this is a devil’s bargain

June: on the third hand, dagnis is probably going to eat her horse and she likes her horse

Lion: Right, that’s a v. good point. Obv. the solution is to pay someone else to pretend to be Dagnis (not in horses) and then white knight them

June: who has the free time and performance sense to properly -

Lion: OH NO

'this shall be my greatest challenge as an artist yet’ Maglor says, already rubbing fox dung into his hair

June: maglor 'over involved in everyone else’s life’ feanorion

Lion: (this explains SO MUCH about crooked aim) (he’s HAD PRACTICE)

June: SHIT

-shakes fists above head- MAGLOR

Lion: okay so Maglor - does he bleach his hair or get a wig? On the one hand elves love their hair

on the other, he’s a true artist  and his dedication to the craft is unparalleled

June: But verisimilitude, right. He’s gonna bleach his hair and then be stuck with it. Celegorm tells him he’s never looked better

Lion: ❤ Obv. Celegorm is quick to inform him that he wears it better and also Maglor’s roots are showing but whatevs, art is suffering

Maglor, in Dagnis-guise, serenades Tuluspen again that night. The plan is for Yreth to show up and shoo him off in full view of her swooning hatesexbuddy

Unfortunately Maglor cannot bring himself to accurately replicate Dagnis’ actual musical/poetic ability

June: maglor you fuck

Lion: And writes something of unsurpassed beauty that all weep to hear

June: you had one job

Lion: Tuluspen is confused mostly and wants to know why Maglor, dressed as Celegorm, was singing

does…Maglor have a crush on her? Does Celegorm? Is that why he was dressed as him to woo her?

June: oh no, he’s gotten bad intel on which brother she liked

Lion: Celegorm is furious that Maglor is seducing Maedhros’ steward on his behalf, he doesn’t need anyone to do his seducing on his behalf. He’ll go seduce her his own self right now

June: tuluspen is so upset

Lion: I suppose that’s the part where Yreth gets into a fight with Celegorm? Poor Tuluspen did not ask for any of this

June: yreth is so pissed, this is what you get for hiring a feanorion to do ANYTHING. more confirmation bias

Lion: ahahahah. At least 'stealing mah girl’ is an ironclad excuse for punching the most punchable of Feanorians…like the murders weren’t

June: somewhere mid trying to kick celegorm in the shins with a sword celegorm informs her that the most effective way to get rid of dagnis is with a squirt bottle of soapy water

Lion: ahahahaaha Curufin invented squirt bottles specifically for this purpose

June: 'i can make them acid resistant too,’ he says hopefully

Lion: Oh Curufin. If bits of her were burnt and melty she’d just smell worse

June: and she would just get grosser looking, she is not killable. she is the most durable elf

Lion: She’s the physical manifestation of their sins, come to haunt them, one of them suggests while feeling esp. maudlin about the dead three day old badger in his bed

lmao Dagnis survives the sinking of Beleriand and follows Maglor around for all eternity

June: a manifestation? dagnis is a little annoyed to think that anyone could consider a vala ordering her to do anything

Lion: Right, Dagnis follows no will but her own

June: did they miss the part where she made not one but two valar so uncomfortable that they tried to fire her from being an elf?

Lion: The Feanoians are very self centered

June: 'it’s not an elf’ says vana. 'some kind of fisher cat’

'how dare you’ says orome 'some of my best friends are fisher cats’

they settle on bog goblin