#ok this rant in the tags is probably incomprehensible to anyone else who isn’t me anyway so i’ll stop lmao

[szkicel]

I’m working on a pinned post, where I want to include a short description for each of my major project so it’ll be easier to navigate my characters, bc a big shock - I also have projects that aren’t about bugs lol (tho you know damm well that I will try to implement them somehow anyway jhbdjhbd)

I thought about also mentioning minor projects that I have in the background and which aren’t that well developed yet, but ngl the list is literally like „a hamster metroidvania” or „dystopian central europe” bc they’re THAT underdeveloped, so I decided I’m not gonna bother unless you ppl will ask me to talk about it lol

[flutegirl0422]

q&a

@snowyseahorse tagged me to answer a few questions, so I’m doing that now!

I really like this tag, so I’ve put a link above to her write up about the tag itself, and the questions below:

Talk about something you’ve learned about yourself recently.

Talk about something you’ve always known about yourself.

Talk about someone you have been in love with.

Talk about who you turn to and who your closest friends are.

Talk about how your setting influences you right now.

Talk about something you rant about a lot.

Talk about a dark part of yourself.

Talk about something people appreciate about you.

Talk about how you view yourself.

Talk about what you want out of life.

Anyone who wants to can do this, but I’m super interested in answers from @alana-beck @captainblitzy and @we-are-not-ok :D

I only did the first 6 because I couldn’t find things to say for the others, but I may revisit them later. Answers under the cut for your scrolling convenience:

Talk about something you’ve learned about yourself recently.

I need people a lot more than I let myself believe I do. That’s not necessarily something I recently learned, but it’s coupled with a relatively new revelation that it’s not just people I need. I need the right people. I love supporting others, making them feel amazing, and doing work that makes people happy, whatever that work is. That said, I need people who are going to support me back. I think in some ways I’m still looking for the right people, and in other ways I could open myself up more to the people I already have in my life. It’s something I’m working on, but I think I needed to learn that second part before I could really start figuring everything else out.

Talk about something you’ve always known about yourself.

I AM WEIRD. And I’m not saying that in a Riverdale!Jughead “have you ever seen me without this hat????” kind of way. I mean it in the OG Jughead way, where I have very particular interests and loves and desires, and I don’t feel things or experience the world the way a lot of people do, and not everyone is gonna get that. (Also, I love burgers. And Jughead. A lot.) But that’s me. That’s who I am. That’s “my brand”, if you will. And I love it. It’s led me to amazing places and incredible opportunities. I won’t say it doesn’t make me self-conscious, and it can be a tad bit lonely sometimes. But when I find the weird people who are like me, and appreciate all that comes with that weirdness, it’s the best feeling and it makes everything so worth it.

Talk about someone you have been in love with.

It feels like I only think I’ve been in love. What I felt for this person may have been love, but it doesn’t feel like real love. Looking back, it feels like we were playing pretend. At the time, I could see a future with them, envision a full life, the 2.5 kids, a house, and everything that entails. I’d thought about doing a lot of things for them that today I couldn’t dream of doing for anyone in my life right now. But that was also a different me. A me that put that person first to a fault. Who let this person walk all over me and my heart. I’m still recovering from it, years later, and while I wish them no ill will, I regret ever giving that much of myself who would never give that much of themselves in return. I really hope that wasn’t love, because if it was, I’m sure they never loved me.

Talk about who you turn to and who your closest friends are.

I mentioned before that I’m still working on opening up to the people in my life. Nowhere is that more apparent than in who I turn to. I still rely on my parents for my emotional well-being, and I think I always will. In a world that has taught me how hard good people are to find, I will continue to hang onto the people who have never let me down.

 Right now, I think I’m still figuring out who my closest friends are, and that isn’t a slight to the people I see every day, or the ones I talk to on a regular basis. I’m just feeling a bit lost in that area. This probably comes back to me and my own misgivings about being close to people, but I’m glad these people are in my life all the same. They seem to care about me and want to be there for me, and that’s really all I can ask for.

 Talk about how your setting influences you right now.

My setting is telling me I need to sleep. The clock reads 11:54, the only thing I hear is the clicking of my keys and the white noise produced by the fan in my laptop. My bedroom door is slightly ajar, beckoning me towards it. I am looking out at the entirety of my apartment and I only see shadows from the single spotlight standing tall above me.

 But this apartment is unmade after moving a few months ago from another unit. While it looks identical to the last place, this is not a home. This is a staging area for the next chapter of my life. Bits of my life are strewn about, waiting to be packed up again and whisked away, with no concrete plans to do so anytime soon. I’m at once overcome with the deep sleep that comes after a full day and the anxiety of not knowing what will happen when I wake. Into my mind pops a singular thought that succinctly captures these feelings: I need to leave.

Talk about something you rant about a lot.

I feel like I rant about a lot of things, but the topic I probably rant about the most is atonality, in some way shape or form. 20th century music is interesting, and there’s a lot to be said about how pushing the boundaries of tonality have provided us with great art, from the works of Cage, Pendrecki, Ives and more, to more accessible, but still progressive work, like the incomprehensible screams of bands like Beartooth and Silverstein, or the stuttering leads and synths from the likes of Skrillex and Deadmau5.

I respect the composers who pushed these boundaries and I respect their work. I respect it quite a bit, truth be told (even if I don’t find all of it to my aesthetic tastes). But damn it, that doesn’t mean that we should reduce our study of 20th and 21st century music to these folks! What about looking at more people like Bernstein who played with tonality and rhythm without completely abandoning structure and form? Or perhaps actually *discussing* how those ideas permeated their way into music outside of Western Art Music, much the way cerulean blue from Oscar De La Renta’s 2002 collection made its way to Andrea’s clearance bin sweater in Devil Wears Prada? These are the types of conversations I’m interested in having and it’s a shame to me that more of these discussions aren’t happening in classrooms where future composers and educators, the people who directly shape musical culture, are supposed to be given the tools they need to succeed. They need to have these discussions to fuel their own creativity and challenge their students to do the same.