#ok this hangout event creeped me out

[rubywolf0201]

Ok so this hangout event go creepy all of a sudden with Anton. Like he woke up from a comical nightmare regarding his bro (the drill that he has on his arm) left him but the moment we got him water, he started muttering about the silence and how there is more to him underneath the sunshine himbo attitude and that maybe his ‘bro’ could’ve been someone he lost.

Anyways, got his Trust Rank to Level 3.

[daisyvisions]

ok i’m picturing jacob + fingering in front of a mirror while he tells you how pretty you look. do with that what you will 🫠

The Sweetest Sounds

Warnings: Smut (18+, minors DNI), Fingering, mirror play, clit play, nipple play, pet names (sweetheart, princess), mentions of corruption

A/N: Made this after the events of this Jacob fic because why not? 🥴

⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆

Ever since the day you asked Jacob to pop your cherry, you could never look at him properly in the eyes without wanting to jump his bones.

It was like you turned into this sex-crazed addict. Thinking about how he filled you up to the brim with his length late at night, trying to replicate the same sensation he’d given you as you inserted your fingers inside your drenched cunt. But it wasn't the same, you knew that.

So maybe it was time to ask him to teach you how…

——————

It was a Thursday night. He’d ask you to come over his place to hangout and listen to some songs he was practicing on his guitar. You made sure to wear your cutest skirt with top that matched and get all dolled up for him (even if it was just a simple hangout).

To be honest, being in his room again was never the same. Sudden memories of you riding his cock flooded your mind, making you clench and rub your thighs together to try and ignore the growing moisture between your legs.

The night got even worse for you as you intently watched his fingers strum and pluck his guitar with ease as he sat on the edge of his bed while you sat across him at the other end.

You bit your bottom lip, trying not to think about how good his thick fingers would feel touching your sensitive bud as if he was strumming his guitar.

You were too focused on his fingers that everything else in the room had become blurry. You were so hyper-focused on his fingers you didn’t realize the pattern of your breathing becoming irregular and the front of your underwear sticky with your arousal.

But Jacob noticed everything.

“Is there something on your mind sweetheart?” he asks.

“Huh?” You mindlessly blink at him.

“It seems like you’re focused on something else and not the song I’m playing for you.” He lets out a soft chuckle.

A rush of heat creeps up on your cheeks when he called you out, feeling incredibly embarrassed. You lower your eyes to try and look away from him, but Jacob is quick to catch you and holds your chin with his fingers.

“Why don't you tell me what you’re thinking of?” His beautiful brown eyes stare into yours, feeling your body melt into his touch.

His thumbs lightly swipes your bottom lip, making your breath hitch and core throb.

You suddenly give into him and blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind, “Y-your fingers.”

Jacob tilts his head to the side, intrigued with your response. He sets his guitar on the side with his free hand and scoots his body closer to yours. “What about my fingers sweetheart?”

“I-uh- I can’t stop looking at them and how you play-” you utter as mouth feels like it’s quickly drying up from embarrassment.

Jacob however seems to catch on quick with what you’re trying to say. He knew he’d corrupted you so bad especially with the way you’ve been acting around him. It was only a matter of time til you broke and gave into your newfound desires.

“Need me to teach you another lesson? Is that what you want?” He asks you while holding both your hands (just like the first time). His thumb stroking over your knuckles.

You nod your head profusely, feeling a major relief that you didn’t have to word out what you were thinking since he read exactly what was on your mind.

“Come here.” His soft honey voice beckoning you. You get up from your spot on the bed and stand right in front of him. He places his hands at the side of your thighs, slowly moving them up under your skirt as his fingers loop around the garter of your underwear.

“Mind if I?” He looks up at you with those alluring eyes. You respond with a yes and he proceeds to pull your underwear down to your ankles, lifting your feet to completely remove them.

Jacob adjust his position at the corner edge of his bed, scooting backwards so there’s enough space for you to sit in front of him. “Sit here sweetheart, facing the mirror.”

You do as you’re told, sitting in the space he’d made for you and lying your back against his chest.

You both look at your reflections through the mirror, his chin resting on your shoulder while his hands are on your hips.

“Spread your legs for me sweetheart” he coos in your ear, sending shivers down your spine.

You bend and angle your legs apart enough to see your glistening cunt on display through the mirror.

You feel Jacob’s erection poking behind you, the thought of his hard cock making you grow wetter than before.

His hands travel to the hem of your shirt, lifting them to your chest and pulling down the cups of your bra, the cold air hitting your nipples.

He snakes one hand to one of your breasts cupping them gently before placing your hardened bud in-between his fingers as his other hand travels down to your cunt, slipping his two fingers in-between your folds.

“You’re so beautiful like this, out on display just for me…” his whispers in your ear as he looks at you through the mirror, his bottom lip grazing your earlobe.

“Jacob please…” You whine.

“Please what?” he responds.

“Play with me like your guitar…” You blurt out. He grins at your confession. “Anything for my princess.”

His fingers start slowly circling and flicking through your folds while his other hand rubs and plucks your nipple, as if you were his instrument.

You moan deeply by his ear, keeping your eyes on the mirror as you grow addicted seeing him corrupt you again.

“You sound sweeter than the chords of my guitar princess...” He remarks as he starts kissing your neck and humming the song he was playing earlier, increasing the movements of his fingers as your face contorts with pleasure,

“… but let’s see if you can keep up with the tempo.”

[jobean12-blog]

Endless Summer

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 1,693

Summary: Tony rents a beach house for an end of summer getaway. Will you and Bucky finally act on the feelings you have for each other. 

Author’s Note: This is for the HBC’s @the-ss-horniest-book-club​ continuation of drunk drabbles and the two amazing prompts below from @buckstaybucky​ (thank you againf or allowing me to combine!) and for the 24 hour surprise drabble challenge and the end of summer theme. I used a few here: s’mores, beach bonfire, stargazing, sunset and just the amazingness of the beach :) Hope you enjoy this and thank you all for reading! Much love always ❤❤❤

Warnings: Fluffy and soft fun, flirting, teasing, mutual pinning, slow burn, KISSES! :) 

Poking your head around the door of your room you call softly for Nat, waiting but getting no response. You see that the door down the hall is open and you can’t remember if it’s Bucky’s or Wanda’s room. “Hey Wan? You in there?” Nothing. Just as you’re about to go back inside Bucky’s head pops out the open door. “Hey doll, did I hear you say something or…?”

“I was looking for Nat and Wanda actually, sorry.” He smiles and walks out into the hallway, “they both left about 5 minutes ago for the beach.” You didn’t realize he was only in his bathing suit until he comes out of the room and now, you’re trying hard to find words as your eyes wander over his chest and abs. “I uh, yea, ok. Thanks.”

Smirking he comes closer, “did you need something?” Hiding behind the door frame you swallow hard, begging your body to stop reacting to his presence. “Can I ask you a question?” He raises a brow, “You just did.” Glaring at him you try to hold back a smile, “fine, can I ask you another question?” Another step closer, “that was another question.” You huff out in frustration and stomp back into your room, yelling, “oh my god, you’re so annoying!”

You can hear his light chuckle from just outside the door, “can I come in? I promise I’ll be good,” he coos. Thankful for the wall between you, you squeeze your thighs together at the sound of those last words. With a calming breath you push the door open wider with your foot, “come on.” He steps inside, his eyes zeroing in on you standing in front of the mirror as you smooth your hands down the sundress. “Wow.” You turn and look his way, unsure if you heard him say something. “What was that Buck?” He rubs the back of his neck, “uh nothing, what did you wanna ask me?”

You spin to face him and grab your giant sun hat, placing it atop your head. “I was hoping to get one of the girl’s opinions but since they left me here, you’ll do. What do you think? Too much or ok?” He gives you his best pained expression, clutching his chest over his heart, “ouch.” You both laugh and he comes over, grasping the brim and pulling it down over your forehead. “I really like it, looks great on you.”

You push it back up and flick him in the arm as you walk by, “ok good, thank you. Now, let’s go, we have a fun day ahead of us.” He follows you out and grabs his stuff from his room before you make your way out of the beach house and down the stairs. Tony rented a giant place for the last week of summer that sits right on the water and has enough bedrooms and bathrooms for everyone to be comfortable.

While you packed, Nat and Wanda had teased you about getting some alone time with Bucky during the stay. They endlessly prodded you to tell him how you feel and argued this would be the perfect time. However, considering you could barely manage to function when he was walking around with no shirt on you weren’t sure how that was going to happen on a beach getaway, where he would be shirtless most of the time.

Your thoughts were wandering to places they shouldn’t as you walk down to the sand. You turn and wave at Bucky before running off toward the girls, “I’m gonna go say hi.” He throws his towel over his shoulder and watches as you go. “You just gonna stare at her the whole week like a creep or make a move?” Steve’s taunt earns him a hard punch to the arm, “she definitely likes it when I don’t have a shirt on, I have to use that to my advantage.” Steve is still rubbing his shoulder when Bucky finally pulls his gaze from you, “I just have to figure out how.” With that he slaps Steve right in the sore spot and walks away.

The afternoon flies by in a flurry of lingering stares, soft touches and lots of flirting between you and Bucky. It’s almost time to have some dinner and you’re crouching just above the reach of the waves working on a sandcastle. A large foot comes into your peripheral vision and you look up and squint at bright blue eyes. “Hey. Is it time to eat?” He kneels beside you and smooths out some sand for the castle you’re about to put down. “Nope, not just yet. I was wondering where you went off to. Want some help?”

The two of you spend the next half hour perfecting the sandcastle and laughing about the day’s events. Clint yells for you to come grab some food but when you stand and look out over the water you can see the sun is close to setting. “You know what Buck, I’m gonna wait and watch the sunset first.” You search around for your towel realizing you left it by the beach chairs. Bucky grabs your hand, “tell you what, I’ll grab us a blanket and some food if you let me join you.”

Hoping your sun kissed cheeks hide your blush you happily agree, thanking him before he jogs off. Nat scares the shit out of you when she grabs you from behind and whisper yells, “what’s that all about? Do you two have a date?” Throwing her a dirty look you roll your eyes, “no. He’s grabbing some food and he wants to sit and watch the sunset with me.” Now she rolls her eyes, “ok, so it’s not a date but just a super romantic hangout.”

You look up and see Bucky making his way back, “go away, here he comes.” She blows you a kiss before taking off, waving at Bucky on the way. “Thank you for getting this, I didn’t realize how hungry I was!” He sets out the blanket and waits for you to sit, placing the plates down and handing you a fork. You eat in comfortable silence, your toes just close enough to the waves that they get wet on the big ones.

An involuntary shiver runs through you from the cool breeze and Bucky puts his arm around you. “I’d offer you my shirt, but I don’t have one at the moment.” You giggle and scoot closer to his side. “That’s ok, you’re really warm.” He dips his head, breathing against your lips, “thanks for letting me sit with you.” You’re distracted by his mouth, tilting your head ever so slightly, “I’m happy you’re here, sunsets over the ocean are beautiful.”

Another soft breeze blows some hair into your face and Bucky carefully tucks in behind your ear, “so beautiful.” Your lips turn up into a small smile as you ghost your fingers over his bare chest, leaning in even closer. “Hey you two, let’s go! We’re making S’mores!” Bucky squeezes his eyes shut and rests his forehead to yours, groaning loud enough for you to hear.

A splash of sand brings your attention to a pair of feet that belong to Sam, his wide grin focused on you while he waits. “Well, come on!” Bucky stands and helps you up, mumbling under his breath, “way to cock block Wilson.” Sam just chuckles and gets between you, throwing an arm around you both and heading toward the bonfire.

You shove the gooey goodness into your mouth and lick your fingers clean of chocolate, unaware that Bucky is staring. His large thumb reaches up and wipes away some marshmallow, drawing your attention right away. “Thanks,” you say, your voice shaky as his hand lingers at your jaw. “You have some chocolate right there.” Your pinky touches the corner of his mouth and his tongue darts out to lick it off, catching your you finger in the process.

Inhaling sharply, you slowly pull it away, Bucky’s husky voice dragging you from your haze, “wanna go sit by the water?” Pushing yourself off the log you stand and follow him onto the sand, his hand reaching out for yours once you’re closer to the water. You spot the blanket you left out from earlier and pull him down onto it, laying back and looking up at the stars. The quiet fizz of the waves at your feet makes you yawn, pulling your arms closer around yourself. “Cold again?”

Bucky’s face hovers above you as lays on his side, leaning on his elbow. “A little.” You can easily see his smirk under the light of the moon, “good thing I have a shirt this time.” Sitting up he undoes the few buttons that were closed and shrugs it off. You wrap it around your shoulders and lay back down, this time facing him, “thank you.” His hand rests on your thigh, lightly squeezing the soft flesh as he works his way higher, “you’re welcome. Let me know if you’re still cold.” You nod and stifle a second yawn, smiling brightly when you hear his laugh. “What? It’s been a long day, I’m so tired.”

His hand slides under your dress and closes around your hip, dragging you into his chest and you can’t hide the whimper that leaves your parted lips. “Were you expecting to sleep tonight, baby?” His words send the blood rushing to your ears, your head dizzy with the feel of his body pressed alongside you. Closing the gap, he hooks his leg over your waist and brings his hand up to cradle your neck, gently nipping at your lips before kissing them softly.

Carefully rolling on top of you he wedges his thigh between your legs, sucking your bottom lip into his mouth then tracing over the swollen flesh with his tongue. His name leaves your lips like a prayer and you purr, raking your nails down his back while he trails hot kisses along your neck. The waves break at the shore and fan out over the sand, lightly kissing your toes as Bucky takes your breath away.

@aesthetical-bucky​ @auro-ora​ @bugsbucky​ @book-dragon-13​ @buckstaybucky​ @buckys-broody-muffin​ @buckys-minty-breath​ @bucky-on-my-mind​ @buckys-henley​ @breezy1415​ @buckosawrus​ @chuuulip​ @eurynome827​ @hiddles-rose​ @hawksmagnolia​ @hailmary-yramliah​ @ikaris-whore​ @imgaril-lindru​ @itsunclebucky​ @jhangelface0523​ @jewels2876​ @lorilane33​ @loricameback​ @littledarlinhavefaithinme​ @littleredstarfish​ @lokilvrr​ @addikted-2-dopamine​ @mushyjellybeans​ @marvelandotherfandomimagines​ @marvelgirl7​ @nano--raptor​ @nerdypinupcrystal​ @pinkdiamond1016​ @randomfandompenguin​ @sallycanwait68​ @softpeachbarnes​ @tuiccim​ @this-kitten-is-smitten​ @the-wayward-robot​ @yansi1923​

[yournextdoorwriter]

day6 jay college au // we’re not the same (1/?)

pairing: day6 jay x oc

genre: fluff

words: 1.3k

a/n: just a jae fanfic i’d been wanting to write for a long time. not sure how long will this be, but feedbacks will be much appreciated! <3 

-

If Jae were to describe his college life, the perfect word would probably be “normal”. Cause that’s what it is. He’s just a typical university student who sometimes skips class to hangout with friends and barely submit assessments in time. 

Well, probably not that typical since he’s part of a band called Day6. 

Apparently, it makes people “cool” and although Jae likes to think that he’s just doing it because he loves music and it’s just a group made up of five college boys, Day6 is actually pretty popular in their university and gets booked to perform at gigs and events. 

Today, the second semester of his sophomore year starts. And he would trade anything in the world for a fifteen minute nap in his warm, fluffy bed. Instead, he’s making his way to his first class, which to his luck, is probably the most boring subject he’s ever heard - Asian Literature. 

Okay it’s probably an exaggeration and on a normal scenario, he would probably even find it interesting. But who the hell wants to learn about literature at 7 in the morning? 

Jae entered the study hall and was greeted with students sporting the same sleepy expression as his. This is one of the good things about being in uni. 

Nobody gives a damn what you look like. Heck, you can show up in class wearing sweatpants and a two-week old shirt and no one will bat an eye.

He made his way to the back of the room, ready to sit at his favorite spot at a corner beside the window. Said seat however, was occupied by a female student, who unlike all of them, looks like she was having the time of her life.

She was smiling wide, her eyes plastered on the screen of her phone. Jae sat on an empty spot beside her, and tried to ~subtly~ study her features. It’s one of his habits that he is still working on to quit. 

He liked observing people, studying their appearance and gestures, trying to figure out what major they’re in or what they like to do on their free time.

It may be considered a useless talent, but’s he’s pretty good at guessing things about people just by a quick look. 

Jae’s actions were interrupted by the arrival of their professor. Ten minutes in, he was already struggling to keep his eyes open. The professor - Mr. Jung as he introduced himself, was explaining something about his class rubrics and syllabus. 

“I know it’s only your first day back, but I think it is important to assign these things early. I am giving you all a project for prelims.” 

A collective groan was heard from all the students. A project on a first day? This professor is nuts. 

“Don’t worry. It’s not an individual one. This project will be in pairs. Your partner will be... let’s see, let’s just make it whoever is sitting on your left.” 

Jae glanced at the girl beside him, who offered him nothing but a thumbs up.

The rest of the class went on with Mr. Kim explaining the project but Jae barely heard any of it. Whatever, he just hopes his partner is taking down notes on what they actually need to do. 

The bell rang and everyone hurriedly went out of the room to make it to their next classes. Jae grabbed his bag and was also making his way out when he heard someone call out his name.

“Hey, Jae right?” It was his project partner. 

“How did you know my name?” He asked, eyebrows raised. Okay, maybe tone it down with the sass. He made a mental note of that. 

“It’s on your bag.” She says, pointing at a keychain hanging off his backpack with his name on it. 

“Anyways, I wasn’t really listening to the professor earlier but I think we can figure it out later on, yeah? I gotta run to my next class so here’s my number if you wanna talk about it. Bye!” She shoved a piece of paper on his hand before dashing out. 

- 

Only half of the day passed but Jae feels like as if all of his energy has been drained. The rest of his class was just as eventful as the first one, and he’s pretty sure all of his professors held a meeting and decided to make this semester the worst for him. 

He sat at the activity centre as he waited for the rest of his bandmates for lunch. Absentmindedly, he took out the piece of paper that she gave to him earlier. 

Jae started at her crisp handwriting and somehow find the way she wrote the letter “a” cute. 

“What’s that?” In a blink of an eye, the paper that he was holding was already in the hands of his friend Younghyun. 

“Yah! Hand it back!” Jae tried to get it back from him but his long limbs prove to be useless compared to his friend’s muscular arms. 

“Is this a phone number I’m seeing?! Heol, did you already score a girlfriend on the first day of class?” 

“What’s the fuss?” The youngest of the group and Day6's drummer Dowoon asked, peeking at whatever Younghyun was holding. 

“Are you guys fighting already?” Jimin, their only female friend and Day6′s self-proclaimed manager scolded as she arrived along with Wonpil and Sungjin.

“Jae-hyung has a girlfriend!” Younghyun announced. 

“No way! Who would wanna go out with this nerd?” says Jimin, as if the idea of Jae dating someone is the most disgusting thing she’s heard.

“Can you please shut your dumb mouth, Brian.” Jae retorted, emphasizing on the last word as he knows damn well how much his friend hated being called that name.

“She’s not my girlfriend okay? She’s just a partner for a project in one of my class.” 

“Oh man, I totally thought you’d finally break that no-girlfriend-since-birth curse. But who knows, her name sounds cute so I’m betting she is.” Younghyun says. 

“Wait a minute, you’re in the same class as her? And she’s your partner?!” Wonpil exclaimed.

“Yeah, so? You know her?”

“What do you mean, so? She’s literally one of the most popular students here in school! Everyone is dying to get her number and she handed it to you just like that!” 

“Wait, you mean Jae-hyung’s partner is the same person who won the Most Popular Freshman Award last year? The one who is on the volleyball team?” Dowoon added.

Great. Everyone knows her except him.

“Well, her name’s pretty uncommon so I’m sure that’s her. Yah, Jae you’re so lucky!” Sungjin chimed. 

“Ok, calm your tits. For the second time, she’s my partner for a project. Not a potential date or girlfriend. So can we please go get some lunch now?” Jae said, hoping his friends would finally drop the issue.

“Whatevs, I’m sure you’re not her type anyways. Let’s go!” With one last insult from Jimin, they all headed to their favourite kimchi jiggae place. 

-

3:01 pm [unknown number]: hey, jae! still in class?

3:02 pm [unknown number]: it’s me, your partner for that asian lit project!! 

3:03 pm [unknown number]: my class will be over in a while and my friend who’s in the same class told me we actually have something to pass next meeting!

3:04 pm [unknown number]: wanna meet up and talk about it? text me your building and i’ll be there!!!!

3:05 pm [unkonwn number]: also i got your number from one of your friends, so i hope you don’t get creeped out LOL

Jae’s classes were finally over for the day. As he opened his phone to check time time, he was welcomed by a serious of multiple texts from her. 

He wanted nothing but to go home and take a nap and normally, he would procrastinate on his school works especially since it’s not due until next week. 

But for some reason, a part of him wanted to see her again, so he opened her message and texted her his location. 

to be continued

[sarkos]

The Last Words of Dutch Schultz

Statements made by Arthur (Dutch  Schultz) Flegenheimer were taken down by a Newark police stenographer, F. J.  Lang. The notes covered a period from about 4 o'clock Thursday afternoon until  Schultz died. During that period he was delirious most of the time, but lucid  at intervals. A transcript of all he said follows:

Schultz at this time was irrational,  suffering with a fever of 106 degrees and a bullet in his stomach. Sergeant  Luke Conlon and other detectives from Newark police headquarters were at his  bedside. One of the officers had a newspaper.

(Schultz noticed newspaper  and spoke) - Has it been in any other papers? George, don't make no full  moves. What have you done with him? Oh, mama, mama, mama. Oh stop it, stop it;  eh, oh, oh. Sure, sure, mama.  Now listen, Phil, fun is fun. Ah please, papa. What happened to the sixteen?  Oh, oh, he done it, please. John, please, oh, did you buy the hotel? You promised  a million sure. Get out. I wished I knew.  Please make it quick, fast and furious. Please. Fast and furious. Please help  me get out; I am getting my wind back, thank God. Please, please, oh please.  You will have to please tell him, you got no case.  You get ahead with the dot dash system didn't I speak that time last night.  Whose number is that in your pocket book, Phi1 13780. Who was it? Oh- please,  please. Reserve decision. Police, police, Henry and Frankie. Oh, oh, dog biscuits  and when he is happy he doesn't get happy please, please to do this. Then Henry,  Henry, Frankie you didn't even meet me. The glove will fit what I say oh, Kayiyi,  oh Kayiyi. Sure who cares when you are through? How do you know this? How do  you know this? Well, then oh, Cocoa know thinks he is a grandpa again. He is  jumping around. No Hobo and Poboe I think he means the same thing.  

Q. (from Sergeant Conlon) - Who  shot you?  

A.- The boss himself.  

Q.- He did?  

A.- Yes, I don't know.  

Q.- What did he shoot you for?  

A.- I showed him boss; did you  hear him meet me? An appointment. Appeal stuck. All right, mother.  

Q.- Was it the boss shot you?  

A.- Who shot me? No one.  

Q.- We will help you.  

A.- Will you help me up? O.K.  I won't be such a big creep. Oh, mama. I can't go through with it, please. Oh,  and then he clips me; come on. Cut that out, we don't owe a nickel; hold it;  instead, hold it against him; I am a pretty good pretzler -Winifred- Department  of Justice. I even got it from the department. Sir, please stop it. Say listen  the last night!  

(Statement by Sergeant Conlon)  - Don't holler.  

A.- I don't want to holler.  

Q.- What did they shoot you for?  

A.- I don't know, sir. Honestly  I don't. I don't even know who was with me, honestly. I was in the toilet and  when I reached the -the boy came at me.  

Q.- The big fellow gave it to  you?

A.- Yes, he gave it to me.  

Q.- Do you know who this big fellow  was?  

A.- No. If he wanted to break  the ring no, please I get a month. They did it. Come on. (A name, not clear)  cut me off and says you are not to be the beneficiary of this will. Is that  right? I will be checked and double-checked and please pull for me. Will you  pull? How many good ones and how many bad ones? Please I had nothing with him  he was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fight. No business; no hangout;  no friends; nothing; just what you pick up and what you need. I don't know who  shot me. Don't put anyone near this check~ you might have -please do it for  me. Let me get up. heh? In the olden days they waited and they waited. Please  give me a shot. It is from the factory. Sure, that is a bad. Well, oh good ahead  that happens for trying. I don't want harmony. I want harmony. Oh, mamma, mamma!  Who give it to him? Who give it to him? Let me in the district -fire-factory  that he was nowhere near. It smoldered No, no. There are only ten of us and  there ten million fighting somewhere of you, so get your onions up and we will  throw up the truce flag. Oh, please let me up. Please shift me. Police are here.  Communistic...strike...baloney...honestly this is a habit I get; sometimes I  give it and sometimes I don't. Oh, I am all in. That settles it. Are you sure?  Please let me get in and eat. Let him harass himself to you and then bother  you. Please don't ask me to go there. I don't want to. I still don't want him  in the path. It is no use to stage a riot. The sidewalk was in trouble and the  bears were in trouble and I broke it up. Please put me in that room. Please  keep him in control. My gilt edged stuff and those dirty rats have tuned in.  Please mother, don't tear, don't rip; that is something that shouldn't be spoken  about. Please get me up, my friends. Please, look out. The shooting is a bit  wild, and that kind of shooting saved a man's life. No payrolls. No wells. No  coupons. That would be entirely out. Pardon me, I forgot I am plaintiff and  not defendant. Look out. Look out for him. Please. He owed me money; he owes  everyone money. Why can't he just pullout and give me control? Please, mother,  you pick me up now. Please, you know me. No. Don't you scare me. My friends  and I think I do a better job. Police are looking for you allover. Be instrumental  in letting us know. They are English-men and they are a type I don't know who  is best, they or us. Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing. You can play jacks and  girls do that with a soft ball and do tricks with it. I take all events into  consideration. No. No. And it is no. It is confused and its says no. A boy has  never wept nor dashed a thousand kim. Did you hear me?  

Q. (By Detective) - Who shot you?  

A.- I don't know.  

Q.- How many shots were fired?  

A.- I don't know.  

Q.- How many?  

A.- Two thousand. Come one, get  some money in that treasury. We need it. Come on, please get it. I can't tell  you to. That is not what you have in the book. Oh, please warden. What am I  going to do for money? Please put me up on my feet at once. You are a hard boiled  man. Did you hear me? I would hear it, the Circuit Court would hear it, and  the Supreme Court might hear it. If that ain't the pay-off. Please crack down  on the Chinaman's friends and Hitler's commander. I am sore and I am going up  and I am going to give you honey if I can. Mother is the best bet and don't  let Satan draw you too fast.  

Q. (By Detective) - What did the  big fellow shoot you for?  

A.- Him? John? Over a million,  five million dollars.  

Q.- You want to get well, don't  you?  

A.- Yes.  

Q.- Then lie quiet.  

A.- Yes, I will lie quiet.  

Q.- John shot and we will take  care of John.  

A.- That is what caused the trouble.  Look out. Please let me up. If you do this, you can go on and jump right here  in the lake. I know who they are. They are French people. All right. Look out,  look out. Oh, my memory is gone. A work relief police. Who gets it? I don't  know and I don't want to know, but look out. It can be traced. He changed for  the worse. Please look out; my fortunes have changed and come back and went  back since that. It was desperate. I am wobbly. You ain't got nothing on him  but you got it on his helper.  

Q. (By detective ) - Control yourself.  

A.- But I am dying.

(Statemnt by detective) - No,  you are not.  

A.- Come on, mama. All right,  dear, you have to get it.

At this point, Schultz's wife,  Frances, was brought to his bedside. She spoke.

(Statement by Mrs. Schultz) -  This is Frances.

Schultz began to talk again,  saying:

Then pull me out. I am half crazy.  They won't let me get up. They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes. Give me something.  I am so sick. Give me some water, the only thing that I want. Open this up and  break it so I can touch you. Danny, please get me in the car.

At this point Mrs. Schultz  left the room.

(Sergeant Conlon questioned Schultz  again) - Who shot you?  

A.- I don't know. I didn't even  get a look. I don't know who can have done it. Anybody. Kindly take my shoes  off. (He was told that they were off.) No. There is a handcuff on them.  The Baron says these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection  of papers. It isn't worth a nickel to two guys like you or me but to a collector  it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to... Turn  you back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now. The police are getting many  complaints. Look out. I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine for he  is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jim. Ok, ok, I am all through. Can't  do another thing. Look out mamma, look out for her. You can't beat him. Police,  mamma, Helen, mother, please take me out. I will settle the indictment. Come  on, open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you  got a big mouth! Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian  bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.

Schultz sank into unconsciousness  then. It was 6:40 P.M. He died less than two hours later, without saying anything  else. Some say this is everything from the ravings of someone on the brink of  death to poetry to secrets of the mob world. You be the judge.

[nananaptime]

The effect you have on me

Y’all, I’m sorry if this gives you major Jaehyun feels, I gave myself Jaehyun feels so xD

Masterlist Rules

Genre: Fluff, slightly hot?

Word count: 2 224

Summary: His teasing game gotta stop...

I have never been one to blush easily, or even get embarrassed for that matter. All my life, my friends have complained about the horror of doing a speech in front of the class because of the possibility of messing up and ridicule themselves and I’ve just not been able to relate to that fear since I just laugh things like that off and continue with the task at hand as best as I can. Never have I been left flustered by compliments or attention either like so many of my friends always end up, those kinds of things just never affected me. Well, that is until I met a certain person, the only person who seemed to affect me in any way he wanted. After I came across this man, he seemed to be everywhere and things did not become easier when my best friend started dating one of his friends.

“Y/N, come on. Please? You barely get out and it’s about time you start spending more time with people than with your stories.” A frustrated sigh left her lips as I made no sign as to showcase my listening skills and continued typing away on my computer. “How are you going to be able to write a believable story if you’re not experiencing everything life has to offer anyway,” she muttered and just as I thought she had given up I felt my chair being pulled backwards and the distance between me and my fictional characters grew with every passing second.

“No, no, no, wait, just one more sentence.” I tried reaching for the keyboard but Younghee spun my chair around and pulled me with her, determined to turn me into a victim of the sun. She made quick work of her shoes as we entered the hallway and was too impatient to stand still as I, against my will, put mine on as well. Then, she grabbed my hand and pulled me outside and in the direction of the dorms where more boys than I can count would be waiting for us.

I wouldn’t say I’m an extrovert, but I’m not an introvert either, I’m kind of both? Alone time is something I crave as I need to be able to relax without engaging in other people’s lives and conversations, but at the same time I love socialising with people and if I’m put in a situation where that is demanded, I have no problem adapting to the atmosphere. Younghee, however, thinks spending time with people should be my main priority and that my writing, which is my passion, should come in second which is why she has taken it upon herself to pull me along to every single social event she’s attending, even if it’s just a hangout at her boyfriend’s.

As she eagerly knocked on the door, I dreaded meeting the person who would be among the group on the other side of the door. I like being in control of my own emotions but whenever he appears all that control goes out the window. He knows that and he loves it, it gives him such an ego boost and he makes sure to use his advantage as much as possible.

The door opened and a sigh of relief left my lips as Yuta opened the door with a huge smile decorating his features. Luckily, he was prepared for the attack from his girlfriend when Younghee jumped him with a big hug, causing them both to fall into fits of laughter. He gestured for me to enter before closing the door behind us. Almost everyone was gathered in the living room in front of the television from which the sounds of a baseball match were coming. Taeyong and Doyoung were sharing the love seat, the 00 liners were occupying the couch and Yuta walked over to the armchair where he sat down with Younghee on his lap. Jungwoo, Yukhei and Sicheng were sitting on the floor while Chenle and Jisung had pulled chairs from the kitchen, smart kids. The boys spared us both a glance and greeted us before shifting their attention back to the screen, until the match was over they wouldn’t be able to concentrate on much else. Jungwoo turned towards me and gestured for me to come sit by him but I motioned towards the kitchen as I needed a glass of water first. As I entered I was faced with the backs of Taeil and Jaehyun and I slightly tensed, hoping neither of them would notice me as to shorten the inevitable time spent trying to keep my emotions in check. The two were gathering snacks for the rest of the group and as Taeil turned around, ready to get all the sodas to the correct room, he noticed my presence and greeted me with a big smile and left. I silently cursed him in my mind as he exposed me being there to the one I didn’t want noticing it.

I took one glance and Jaehyun before fetching myself a glass and filling it with water. Foolishly enough, I was hoping for him not to say anything while I finished my water but the fact that he was staying in the kitchen instead of bringing out the remainder of the snacks told me otherwise. His stare was obvious on my figure and I had a hard time drinking calmly and not choking on my water. It was intense, his stare always was, analysing everything from tip to toe and not missing a single millimetre. A word eventually left his lips accompanied by a small smile which took my breath away.

“Hi.” How one word could have such an effect on me was ridiculous but nonetheless, I felt the butterflies in my stomach and the evident blush that crept onto my face. A chuckle left his lips and entered my ears like music; so soft, so melodic. I gave him a slight nod out of courtesy and started leaving, wanting nothing else but for the stupid blush to disappear from my cheeks. Holding my breath, I thought I was going to make it out of the room but the grip that followed the familiar footsteps proved me wrong. Jaehyun gently pulled me into him, my back pressed against his chest, every breath he took leaving me breathless, as if each breath was being stolen from my own body. Goosebumps grew on my neck once his breath fanned over my ear and I stiffened, hating that I had no control over the way my body reacted.

“I can’t even greet you without leaving you flustered? Don’t you think that’s worth investigating?” His hand released the grip on my wrist and travelled down to my waist where he gently held me in place while his other hand removed the hair from my neck and travelled down my spine before settling on my waist as well. Lips ghosting over my neck as he chuckled at my state. “Hm?” He was back by my ear and I finally found the strength to break free from his grip. After shuffling away from him slightly, I turned towards his smirking facade with the intentions of saying something, anything, having the last word, but no words came out and instead I ended up doing some random gestures before quickly leaving the kitchen and joining Jungwoo on the floor. Jungwoo took one look at me and smiled, a small giggle followed as he knew exactly what kind of stuff had gone down some minutes prior. Jaehyun entered with the rest of the snacks and took his seat beside Jaemin on the couch, catching my eyes as he did, causing me to shift my attention to the game on the screen once again.

After watching the game for fifteen minutes with this group of people gave me the required knowledge to make the decision of never doing it again. First of all, the game was extremely boring and I could barely keep up with what was going on, having to ask Jungwoo about the details every few minutes. Second of all, the boys were so loud, especially Doyoung with his over the top reactions, Chenle with his energetic dolphin laugh and Yuta who always got so into whatever sport was on. I’m surprised I didn’t suffer from a headache once the game was finally over.

“Ok!” Taeyong stood from the loveseat and got everyone’s attention. “Who’s hungry?” Everyone’s hands shot up and some of the members, Chenle, Ten and Donghyuck, cheered for food. Taeyong then announced that he would need help carrying everything so half of the members accompanied him, including Yuta which meant Younghee left as well. Everyone else decided to go chill in their rooms while waiting for the food, it was Taeil’s idea and I suspected it was because after the energetic atmosphere during the game he needed to recharge before joining everyone for dinner.

“Y/N, do you want to join me and Jeno for some video games,” Jaemin asked me excitedly once we reached the rooms. About to accept, I took a step in his direction but was stopped by someone taking hold of my hand.

“Nope, I need you in here for a while.” And with that, Jaehyun pulled me into his room and closed the door. Then he laid down on his bed and pulled me down with him, quickly circling his arms around my waist and threw one of his legs over mine before settling his head on my shoulder. I was as stiff as a rock as I laid there, trying to wrap my head around the situation while my heart was beating out of my chest. He could surely feel it as he laughed slightly before cuddling into me even more.

“Uhm, Jaehyun, what are you doing?”

“I need a nap.”

“And you need me here for that because?”

“The nap will be nicer while cuddling you.” I could feel the blush creeping up my neck at his answer, not really knowing how to process this information and eventually reaching my limit of acceptance for his little game.

“Ok, Jaehyun, could you please, just, stop?” He noticed the serious and frustrated tone in my voice and lifted his head off my shoulder, eyebrows knitted in confusion. He then took one of his arms from my waist and shifted so he was hovering above me, said arm supporting his weight. Avoiding his eyes, I continued. “I understand that it’s entertaining seeing my reactions but you’re taking this ordeal too far and I’m starting to get sick of it, I would in all honesty, rather be left alone. So if you could just stop playing with me I would appreciate it a lot.” Tears were pooling in my eyes as I let out the pent up frustration while still trying to keep the request civil and I knew that if I looked Jaehyun in the eyes those tears would start falling and I did not want that.

“No, no, no, baby, that’s not what I was doing. God, I’m such a jerk, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.” He cradled my face and made me look at him, thumbs brushing away stray tears under my eyes and giving me the most genuine look I’ve ever received. “Y/N, I was acting like that because I wanted your attention on me and only me, because being the only one able to affect you like that made me giddy, it made me giddy because you affect me like that as well. You walk into a room and I lose my breath, you speak and I want to record it and listen to it for the rest of my life. You’re like oxygen, I need you to survive.” By now he was inches away from my face, hands still on my cheeks. “Y/N, I’m in love with you.” At that I burst into tears, hands gripping the front of his shirt as I cried into his chest.

“You idiot, why didn’t you just tell me!?” My sentence was accompanied by a laugh which caused Jaehyun to let out a chuckle before moving my head from his neck and down on the pillow once again, within seconds his lips were on mine, soft, slow and sensual. His hands were now softly placed on my jaw while my own were placed on his shoulders as our lips worked against each other. A grunt left his lips and he pressed his body even closer to mine as the kisses turned more intense. I broke away before it could escalate and looked him deep into his eyes, face still close enough for our lips to brush as I spoke.

“I’m in love with you too.” A big smile spread across his face and he attached his lips to mine again in a long kiss before pulling away once again. His lips were swollen and I suspected mine were as well which we laughed at, finding the situation comical. The taste of mint was still evident in my mouth after our kiss and I couldn’t stop what my mouth blurted out.

“You taste like mint, did you plan this?” A small giggle escaped his lips as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out some mint gum.

“Baby, I’ve been planning this for months.”

[harry-potter-fanfics]

Invisible pt. 2

Fred X reader

Part one           Gabriel’s ending

Requested.

Summary: You are obsessed with him, really, it’s sad. will the tables finally turn? will he finally see you happy and realize how stupid he was, will the sweet reader be spared and saved the heartache when a new boy makes an appearance in this story?

Warning: a slytherin named Gabriel, and maybe some angst.

Notes: sorry this one kinda sucks, my thoughts have been kind of hazy lately so i’m not too sure how this turned out.

@dwarfwizard-from-panem

_____________________________________________

           You felt like new today, you actually had a good time at the yule ball and met someone new, It had been a few days though and you were trying hard not to get too caught up in all the drama of Hermione and Ron. You also were trying to stop all the thoughts of Fred, he was probably off somewhere with Angelina. To be honest it really didn’t matter anymore, you didn’t feel for him the same way you had a few days ago when everything he did broke your heart. it felt like too soon but you were already getting over it, with the help of your friends. 

             Today was a brighter day and you sat in the dining hall for dinner talking with some of them, you tried to distract Hermione with jokes and people and to be honest you felt like maybe it was helping, sort of. Some of the girls had been telling a story from way back in the day, making silly faces and reminiscing the stupid things you had done as a shy first year. Gabriel had come over to sit at your table despite him being a Slytherin and you didn’t mind, he was sweet, although some of your friends were apprehensive you had told them all about yule ball and how kind he is. He joined in the conversation smoothly making Hermione give you a wiggle of her eyebrows swiftly, you shook your head at her and ignored her advances. Of course within minutes he was making you all laugh.

                                        ***************************

                  you didn’t even notice as Fred came in alone, after having a fight with his new little toy. His brother had been ignoring him for obvious reasons, like the constant giggling of Angelina and his obsessive ignorance towards his own feelings. Fred sighed, To be honest with himself he really didn’t like her much, his brother knew that, that’s why he just backed off to give him space, instead of trying to pull his head out of the dark stupidity like he usually would. Taking a deep breath he took a seat next to Harry and the Gang, looking over to the droopy boys who had been oozing with disappointment since the ball. “oi, lightin up boys, we are going to hang out tonight right? your dorms and the boxes of candy?” he tried to spout, grabbing onto his younger brothers shoulders and shoving him back and forth. His sad face just moved carefully over to Harry, he let out in that signature depressed voice, “Harry probably left the box with Hermione”. Harry rolled his eyes, “I didn’t. if you have something to say to me Ron then say it, or I’ll go hangout with y/n”. It was Ron’s turn to roll his eyes, “yeah, who does Y/n hang out with, Hermione of course, bloody hell, just leave me alone”, his younger brother shoved up from the table and stormed off leaving Harry to huff and stand up, slowly walking the opposite way to leave Fred awkwardly alone at the table. 

                        He heard a cute laugh and had to turn his head, that’s when saw you, shyly covering your mouth and some boy was laughing holding onto your shoulders, He heard the boy say, “ shhhhh, You laughed a lot harder than you thought you would, huh?”. He stared at your starry eyes from afar, you were cute, he always thought so but you were younger than him so he didn’t even want to admit the attraction he had for you. His feelings were so evident to everyone except You and also himself, he avoided them so much so that his own twin had taken him aside to ask him about it. Through the years  though he had noticed the way you avoided him. even despite the amount of time you spent trying to get away from him he had taken the time to notice the shift in your emotions, He had noticed it every time your friends said stuff about how sad you had been lately. Except, As of right now he stared at you laughing sweetly with your friends and this new boy. 

                You looked different than usual, happy, something he didn’t understand especially after what had happened the past few days. He looked away from you, thinking about the events from before, it started at the lake. He had been kissing Angelina she sat in his lap and they heard sniffling, he saw you crying but didn’t say anything especially since it was attracting so much attention from Angelina. He saw how she looked at you like a predator, “aw, how sad”, she said giggling loudly. He didn’t want her to say anything to her friends to make fun of you, so he kissed her, trying to distract her, “don’t pay attention to that, are you excited for the ball tomorrow night?”. pushing the hair out of her face, smiling down at her, trying to ignore all that was happening in his chest at that moment. Although he couldn’t get your pain out of his head. 

                                                                *

                 The next night He figured you’d show up to the yule in a beautiful dress blow him away since that’s what seemed to happen in all the movie, he looked for you during the ball so he could try to ask if you were ok. But you never did show, and when Angelina left him to hang out with her loud friends he couldn’t help himself and went to ask his brother if he had seen you, but of course he hadn’t neither had harry or hermione. He searched practically all night trying to find you.  He ran up to the Astronomy tower, pushing through all the couples making out on the staircases up. and as he made it to the top he heard your laugh, taking a deep breath he sighed, seeing that you were safe. But then He saw the boy sitting next to you, he had met him before, Gabriel Lithgow, a slytherin that hung out with a lot of the boys in his year. A ‘rebel’, of course he wasn’t a bad person but it pissed Fred off seeing that he was trying to pull you into his orbit, making you laugh like you weren’t just crying by yourself the day before. 

                                  **************************************

                Fred was abruptly brought back to himself in the dining hall as he felt someone drifting passed him, he turned around to see Gabriel pulling you along with him, you giggling. All the bad things he could imagine flipped through his head and as much as he tried to deny the fact that you would let the bad boy pull you into his bad deeds, he couldn’t help but worry. He took a deep breath and tried to consul himself, but of course he couldn’t.

                 Now, If he were smart he would have just asked your friends where you were going but intelligence was never his best trait, if the beautiful hogwarts toilet seat screwed into his wall back home didn’t prove that then his next actions would. He ran down the hallway trying to find you and your little boyfriend, but there was no one to be seen anywhere. Then he heard a small chuckle and ran towards it, there you were standing next to Gabriel, and a small group of what he knew as Lithgow’s friends. a long sigh left his lips and he started to walk away, at least that stupid creep wasn’t trying to hurt you. Fred thought about his actions, it was just brotherly love, you see, he was protective over all of his brother’s friends, he would have done it for anyone.

                         Though in the back of his head he knew that it was a lie because of the way he would catch himself thinking about you, especially when you glanced at him with those beautiful eyes. 

                              He walked through the halls aimlessly, fighting a war in his head, to be honest he wished he could push it all to the back and leave it for another day but there was too much it wouldn’t all fit. He tried hard not to think about you, whilst trying to figure out what to do about angelina. He felt like he was being pushed under water with only a straw to breath with. He stopped, then turned around, starting to pace back and forth, thinking everything over, he decided that the only way to get what he wanted was to confront you and then figure it all out later. He ran back to where he had seen you earlier.

             Lithgow’s friends were clustered together by the same pillars from before with the both of you out of site, he ran up to them. “where is y/n and Lithgow?”, they all looked at him dubiously, One boy nodded to get his attention, “Gabe took his girl to the library, to ya know”, and winked, laughing  with the others who had been holding back giggles. Terror struck somewhere deep inside of him, he took off running in that direction, ignoring the kids yelling after him. 

                 He got to the empty library, searching every crevice for the two of you he had been hushed by many librarians and studying student but that didn’t matter much to him in that moment. He searched every book shelf and asked one to many annoyed and terrified first years if they had seen you but got a no from everyone. He wasn’t angry until now, running out of the library, it was now dark outside, meaning it would be harder to find you both this late. Considering everything he didn’t feel he had much of a choice to find you, and he promised himself he wouldn’t let that delinquite touch you. 

                                  He had asked every passing wizard where you were and mentally cursed George for giving the map to Harry. his best bet would be to find the angry boy and find you. so he set out for the one place he figured Harry would be, Hagrid’s Hut. He ran as fast as his long legs would take him, towards the giant’s house. He banged on the door as hard as he could and an exasperated hagrid opened the door, Fang barking crazily at him. He grabbed a hold of hagrid’s forearms and said as quickly as he could, “I know harry is here just let me get a map from him so I can help my friend!”. The giant stared at him for a solid minute before another confused harry pushed out from behind him. “What? You need the map?”, Fred nodded trying to catch his breath. Harry gave hagrid a worried look and pulled fred to the side of the house, out of any ones sight. He pulled the map from his pocket and showed it to him, Fred grabbed a hold of it and whispered to it, it seemed to burn as only one set of footprints became visible, you were in one of the classrooms at the top of the castle. Fred didn’t even have time to react as he noticed Gabriel’s prints closing in, he took off running once more to the castle.

                                         *************************

                   He busted in through the empty classrooms doors and ran to the open terrace, Gabriel had his hands on your waist and was leaning towards you, until he heard the outburst causing both of you to look over confused. Right as his eyes met yours his mind became clear once more, everything went away and he could breathe again. He walked towards the both of you. Gabriel stood in front of you protectively, “what are you doing here?”, he questioned the tall boy. Fred scoffed, “I could ask you the same thing”, Gabriel’s face stayed stoic and unwavered. Gabriel spoke again, “just get out of here, She’s not interested and to be honest your starting to piss me off”. Fred was taken aback, He tried to understand the boys words and his own thoughts but there was only one thing he knew for positive at this moment that he loved you and that was it.

           Without using his head, of course, he grabbed Gabriel by the shirt and flung him onto the stone wall. You ran after the two of them trying to defuse the situation, none of them listened. They stared each other in the eyes before gabe looked over at you. “I knew This dimwit wasn’t going to leave you alone, I won’t let him hurt you Again y/n”, at gabriel’s words Fred stopped, looking over at you confused. you stared at the both of them with pain evident in your features. He spoke, “oh yeah, well I only came here to stop you from creepin on her you filthy git!”.

                        Gabriel pushed Fred and you got in between them before any fists were thrown, “Stop it right now, I’m sick of everyone making decisions for me. Gabe you are a good friend but I don’t need help fixing my issues and Fred,  you need to find out what’s really going on before you come busting in on my friends!”, You took a deep breath and looked back and forth between them. “can you guys just go, just leave and let me have a moment. can we just resolve this tomorrow”. Gabe took your words and headed out, you sighed and took a seat on the stone bench looking out at the sky. But Fred still stood there, not one to take orders, especially after all he had just been through. You looked over at him and sighed annoyed, “Fred, that means you too”. he just stood staring. 

                           “I hurt you?”, it was a simple whisper from his lips but it threw both of you out into the open. you looked down avoiding him, “Just go”, you pleaded. There was silence as he slowly walked towards your bench and sat down next to you. “it was me that made you cry the day before the ball wasn’t it? hell, i really am the git here, aren’t I?”, again it fell to silence, you refused to acknowledge him. He sighed and looked over at your face, which seemed to clear everything up for him, even the large amount of guilt that now flooded through his system. the light of the moon falling perfectly on each rounded edge of your soft features. He wanted nothing more than to touch you, if just the sight of you cleared his head, he couldn’t imagine what feeling you would give him if he touched you, wash away all his bad deeds and the bad feeling he got when he touched other people. He imagined how you felt, maye like glass and how cold you would be, like a refreshing cold shower after a long quidditch practice. That feeling of washing off the layer of hot filth that covered his soul.

                    “I really like you”, he let it slip past his lips before he could do anything about it. your head shot up, looking at him, your whole face began to brighten a shade of pink and then your soft eyes went rigid, causing you to look away once again. “why”, you choked out brokenly, causing this whole situation to broaden in his sights, he thought back to you every second of you, in pain and it was because of him. “why are you playing these games with me. I know that i never told you so i didn’t expect you to know how i felt. you can’t blame yourself because you didn’t know that you were hurting me but it was so easy to see if you had only cared a little bit more. but you didn’t then so why would you now? did angelina break up with you, because i’m not going to come running for you just because your looking for my attention now. so tell me why Fred, why do you want to hurt me so bad, Why would you want me now of all times?”, it was unlike you to be so open but here you were laying all of it out of the line, out here in the cold night air. 

                          He was hurt to say the least, hurt that you were right about everything. He felt like the biggest jerk in the history of humans, and there didn’t seem to be a single thing he could say to get rid of it, of course, he was going to try though. “That’s not why i am here, I should have noticed a long time ago that I liked you and i didn’t. i’m stupid, i know that and i don’t expect you to drop everything to be with me because i don’t deserve it, really, i don’t”. he stopped trying to find his next  words, trying to find a solution. You stopped him, looking up to the stars, he saw a tear fall from your face and everything in him rushed to you, that’s when the real guilt came to him, moments before all of this seemed like a hazy mess of confusion and bad decisions until this very moment when it hit him the true impact of his words onto you. He dropped all of his intentions and carefully grabbed your face, wiping that tear off of your cheek, and as soon as his hand touched your skin more tears formed and fell from your eyes. his hands that were now cupping your cheeks were wet within minutes of contact and you were grasping onto it for dear life. 

                           Now as he looked down at the painful mess he had caused in your life he felt as if nothing could fix it, he could only make it worse it seemed. Although he wasn’t one to give up, knowing now that you were the one he was hurting definitely put a damper on his attempts at trying to fix it. He let out a sigh and pulled your face into his chest, as much as he wanted to kiss you, he knew that was not what you needed in this moment. You needed comfort, so he caressed your hair and held you close as you sobbed into him. 

                       Every single minute passing by with you in his arms breaking down, seemed to go on for ages and to be perfectly honest with himself, although you were crying and it was his fault, he didn’t want you to pull away because he didn’t want it to end. You held onto him so tightly and your warm breath cooled his soaking shirt, of course he didn’t mind, he deserved worse anyway. “I’m so sorry”, was all he could murmur, hoping that when tomorrow came you would be able to find it in your heart to forgive him, to love him again.

                               What he didn’t know was that as you lay sobbing into his arms, you were hoping the very same thing.

                                                        The End!

[smstriplexxxx]

On Making Friends

I’ve never had to make friends before. Truly. Other than, perhaps, elementary school with James Matthew and the like. That was more-so a result of being in dramatically close corners and being able to talk with them every day. 

As such, I’m feeling bouts of loneliness I have genuinely never come across in my life. On paper, I tell myself, things are great. I have an amazing girl, an amazing job, growing relationships with my friends and family, a healthy body and financial security. I have all of these things yet I feel lonely, isn’t that funny? I used to take recluse in countless hours of youtube, or play unending games of league of legends with my friends to avoid this horrible, horrible feeling. But, as with all problems, they must be faced eventually. Well, it’s time now for me to face my problem of loneliness. 

It does not feel like an issue of social contact. I still call my friends for an average of 4-5 hours a day. Being that I’m awake for 18 hours, thats already a quarter of my time spent here calling my friends. I go out around 2-3 times a week, which is less than what I would hope for but it seems like enough. The problem is, after work and especially on weekends, I don’t really have anything to fill my time besides watching a show or texting my friends. Human connection would suffice, but it feels as though that is avoiding the problem at hand. Despite idealizing my time at home before coming to Seattle, I still had bouts of loneliness when I wasn’t out spending time with someone. How strange, seeing as I was out nearly all day every day for 3 weeks and still couldn’t shake the feelings of loneliness continued to creep up on me.

I am still figuring things out. Is it ok to feel lonely when you’re not doing anything? I want to say no. If I wasn’t, the scramble to constantly, desperately keep myself busy would serve as an agonizing reminder that I’m unable to be with myself. It is weird that I preach meditation and spending time figuring out yourself when I can hardly spend 5 minutes without going absolutely insane. 

I’m still not great at meditating. It is true that I have gotten far better than I was at first. Now, I can “experience” my feelings of loneliness objectively, but only briefly. The feelings last much longer than my will to meditate. 

But anyways, back to the topic at hand. I have always had a person holding my hand through the social process. In high school, it was Daniel. He talked well about me to his friends, who in turn accepted me and I grew close with them. In college, it was Helen. She had already talked to many people prior to moving in, so I just hopped on her bandwagon and got a few friends by myself. I haven’t given myself enough credit. The reason why I am so close to Kasey, William, Anish, and Selinah is because I went out on my own accord and made sure to stay in touch constantly, and plan hangouts and be a “good friend,” whatever that means. However, these connections feel “lucky,” it does not feel like I’ve earned them and more like I just happened to fall into them. 

In Seattle, it is slightly different. There aren’t situations where I can just “happen” into new friends, but this is entirely my fault. It is my fault that I am not in situations where I can make connections, meet people and have fun with strangers. I have been too attached to home, scared I won’t be able to find connection here so I don’t even try. 

This post is a complaint, in short. I feel much better now, although I’m not sure if it’s because Selinah texted me or because I’ve realized that this is all well within my control. The worst case scenario of going out to one of those intern lunches is that I practiced my social skills, which is truly one of my top priorities. I think it’s settled then, I will start going.

Social problem aside, I am disappointed in myself not being able to be alone. Interestingly, I did not want to do anything while I was feeling alone. I wanted to feel it in its entirety. I cherish the moments where I feel down because when I improve my reactions to them, I will have become a more resilient person. This is because I will have moments like this for the rest of my life, although i hope they are few and far in between, and I need to be able to handle my emotions when they do come up. I am unsure if coping, by watching a show or by reading a book, is “allowed.” I can’t believe I just used the word allowed, as if doing something by myself could be considered taboo. I hate that about myself. I need to do things for me.

Howard said something eye opening today: it was “I feel like if I saw the way I treated myself from the third person perspective I’d be like wtf is wrong with you you know”. At first I thought it was funny but upon giving it a moment’s thought, I realized I’m exactly the same way. I don’t let myself off the hook for almost anything. Yes, I take that as a point of pride but I’m not a machine, I’m a human being. I am allowed to be weak, to be lonely, and to seek comfort when I truly need it. It is okay to feel lonely. It was slated by the fates long ago that this was destined to happen here. But, it’s truly up to me if I want to fix the problem right here right now. 

In sum, I want to do a few things. 

1. I want to live more in the present moment. I can FEEL myself getting better at meditation. Becoming aware of my sensations and keeping focused is difficult, but I am undoubtedly making progress in conquering my mind and it is so exciting to see. 

2. I need to be more social. I need to put my ego down and go to the intern lunches or events or whatever. Practice being more social, it’ll benefit the relationship with Selinah too.

Honestly, I think that’s it. Be more present, be more social. Of course, there are secondary more specific goals such as stop checking fucking SPCE stock and read more, bu these two are the main ones.

6/30/21

[gibelwho]

Marathon #2: Horror

With the successful wrap of the Western Marathon, it is time to turn our attention to the Horror Marathon - and boy, am I nervous about it! I am not a huge Horror fan and tend to avoid these films whenever possible - but that time is over as I dive into Filmspotting’s next marathon, focusing on the Horror genre. I started off this journey through the safest possible route - reading “The Horror Film: An Introduction” by Rick Worland - an academic text of the genre’s history that also traces the societal context that was reflected in and also shaped by the genre. In this introduction, I will touch on the basics of the genre, summarize the history, explore my own experiences with Horror films, and lay out the list of films we will be watching. Here I go - holding my breath in suspense, closing my eyes in terror, and tiptoeing towards the Horror!

To start at the beginning - what defines a Horror film? At the basic core, a Horror film is intended to provoke an emotional response from the viewer - to shock, disgust, scare, and (in the truest essence of the word) to horrify. This is accomplished through the mise-en-scene of the film - the settings, iconography, and also the themes. A vital component of this package is the villain of the piece - the Monster! Whether a grotesque figure featuring heavy makeup or a regular human maniac, the monster is a violation of regular society and true nature; they must be fearsome and repellent, attacking the normal life of the heroes and seeking to destroy their victims (and oftentimes the domesticity surrounding those protagonists). Early in Horror history, pulling from Gothic trappings, the settings were often sites where monsters would credibly dwell - a decaying haunted house where ghosts still reside, a scientist’s lab where experiments go wrong, or creepy cemeteries where the dead rise to pursue the living. Later on, the settings expanded into “normal society” locations - a small-time hotel, the suburban house, or other teenage hangout spots. The iconography that goes along with these settings are hallmarks of nightmares - the overwhelming shadows, an offscreen terror that is creeping closer, the victims intense scream or look of dread. The early era of Horror featured monsters that were external threats to society and the institutions (church, police, state) were all helpful to the protagonists, who were characters worthy of saving. Once the turbulent 1960s gripped the United States and Hollywood as a business and artistic center began to change, the Horror genre transformed as well - the monster could now come from society itself, plots referenced the decay and breakup of the American family, and an overall questioning of normality and tradition was commonplace. Finally, the genre began to direct its films toward a teenage audience, especially attempting to entice potential youthful ticketgoers with stories centered around sex and violence. In contemporary times, the latest development in the genre revolves around how special effects can escalate the production of gore and the enhancement of the grotesque to even higher levels of mayhem. 

Horror films have their roots in Gothic literature and were first popularized in Germany in the 1920s, when the German Expressionism style gained momentum. Films such as The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920) and Nosferatu (1922) established much of the iconography and early themes for the genre. Many of the film directors and artists left Germany, lured by the opportunity to influence Hollywood and it’s take on the genre. Universal in particular specialized in Horror films - an early cycle during the 1920s with films like The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923) and The Phantom of the Opera (1925), both featuring the first Horror star Lon Chaney. Universal’s second Horror cycle took place in the 1930s, utilizing the talents of Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff; classic films like Dracula (1931) with Lugosi and Frankenstein (1931) and The Mummy (1932) with Karloff were significant milestones cementing the legitimacy of the genre in popular culture. The genre was less prominent during the WWII years and was overshadowed by Science Fiction during the 1950s (although Roger Corman and Vincent Price both got their start during this time making low-budget teen exploitation Horror films), but made a sharp comeback in the 1960s and into the chaotic Vietnam War era in America. 

Many scholars point to the Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho (1960) as the titular movie in the Horror genre’s shifting viewpoints about the larger society. As noted above, pre-1960s Horror films ended with the destruction of the monster, which brings a sense of closure to the unnatural element it had inflicted upon the characters and society. Once Psycho had established that the villain could be a madman that emerges from society itself and, combined with the turbulent Vietnam and Cold War eras, the institutions once worth preserving were now suspect and even working against the protagonists of Horror films. These themes became even more exaggerated in the 1970s and the rise of the slasher/stalker films (which will be the focus of this Horror Marathon). Filmmakers that grew up as fans of the previous generation of Horror films (and the fan magazines that sprung up in popular culture as well) began making their own versions of the genre in the 1980s and 90s; Steven Spielberg, Brian De Palma, John Carpenter, George Romero, Francis Ford Coppola, Terry Gilliam, and M. Night Shyamalan working with major studios all took their turn at directing Horror films, partnering with makeup artists and special effects masters to heighten the terror. Independent studios also took on the low-budget Horror flick, aimed at the teenage audience, with films like Evil Dead (1981), Scream (1996), and I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). As the Horror genre entered into the new millennium, the films took on a postmodernist trend - showing awareness of the genre’s history, tropes, and plot conventions - and sometimes even commenting on it for additional screams or for comedic laughs. While the genre has evolved, its core tenant of scaring the bejeezus out of the audience has never strayed from its mission.

Personally, I actively avoid Horror films, whether screening in the theater or watching at home. I have seen exactly zero of these films included in the Marathon and would never have actually pursued them without taking on this challenge. I spent some time reflecting on why I have an aversion to the genre and it comes down to not wanting to actively subject myself to the feeling of fear, which is literally the base intent of Horror. Images of gore (which I usually glimpse through the slits of my fingers covering my eyes) aren’t as terrible for me as the atmospheric suspense; the former I can tell myself is not real and just movie magic - but the monster stalking the woman in the dark or the slow creaking of a door opening or the anticipation of an attack in a rain-soaked alley - these all could be real events!

Over my life, I have watched a few Horror films that have stayed with me. My most vivid memory is watching The Ring (2002) in high school. I went with a group of friends and drove a few of them home. To get back to my house, there was a backroads way that went through wetlands with limited streetlights - so after an extremely suspenseful and scary movie, I drove home through a dark and winding road that was just PERFECT for something creepy to attack me. Thank goodness I made it home ok! Another Horror film that I watched during high school had the opposite of the intended effect - I went to a party where The Exorcist (1973) was screened; chatting with friends, half paying attention to the film, and not truly connecting to the material meant that when the famous head spinning scene happened - laughter rang out amongst all my friends. An entirely different atmosphere surrounded my screening of The Shining (1980) - I was living alone, watching it late at night, and had to pause the movie halfway through and call my Mom to distract me from the growing dread in the pit of my stomach. And my final notable Horror viewing experience was when I began this blog; I watched Nosferatu (1922), one of the original Horror movies filmed in the German Expressionism style. This film was less terrifying and more atmospheric - and I certainly appreciated the filmmaking techniques employed to create the vampires creepy style and tone, despite being so early in film’s history.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading “The Horror Film: An Introduction” because I could enter into the genre through a historical and societal lense, taking an academic approach to an otherwise scary venture. Out of the vast canon of films that have been produced in the genre, this Marathon is only taking a small slice from the 1970s and 80s - primarily looking at the slasher/stalker cycle. It also includes two sequels, so I will be including two additional films as homework to screen before those official entries, although they will not count towards the awards at the conclusion of the Marathon. Here are the films I will be cringing, flinching, and screaming at during Gibelwho Production’s Horror Marathon:

1[a]. Night of the Living Dead (1968), George Romero

1. Dawn of the Dead (1978), George Romero

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Tobe Hooper

3. Suspiria (1977), Dario Argento

4. Halloween (1978), John Carpenter

5. Re-Animator (1985), Stuart Gordon

6[a]. The Evil Dead (1981), Sam Raimi

6. Evil Dead 2 (1987), Sam Raimi

Watch your back and happy haunting!

[purefunskatezine]

BANNED IN ST. LOUIS

Friend and Pure Fun contributor, Matt Picker, originally wrote this article for our 13th issue but seeing as Ban This just turned 30 years old, I figured it would be fun to publish it online for everyone to enjoy. - Larry

Summer ‘89: I was living in Chesterfield, Missouri, a western suburb of St. Louis, about to start my first year of junior high. My younger brother and I were certifiable skate rats and card-carrying members of the Bones Brigade- not the actual Bones Brigade, of course, but the mail-in fan club version created by Powell Peralta to keep skateboarders immersed in news, tour dates, and product offering in the days before the internet. It was always a great joy to come home and see that large white envelope sitting on the kitchen counter, adorned with the familiar red Rat Bones stamp and Santa Barbara, CA return address.

Powell Peralta was my favorite skateboard company, and I spent many hours foregoing schoolwork to meticulously doodle their various logos and pro model graphics in the margins of notebooks and test papers. At the time, Powell videos like The Search For Animal Chin and Public Domain were the undisputed holy bibles of skateboarding: the standard to which all others aspired, the videos you watched before embarking on daylong skate adventures or all-nighter parking lot sessions.

One afternoon late in the summer, an envelope from Powell arrived in the mail. Usually these would carry Intelligence Reports (the Bones Brigade ‘zine) and a few stickers, along with the occasional patch, folded poster, or postcard autographed by a team rider like Tommy Guerrero or Kevin Harris. However, this one was different. Instead of the normal assemblage of Bones-branded swag, this one contained a folded paper invitation, which read:

Imagine yourself sitting with Tony Hawk, Ray Barbee, Lance Mountain, Stacy Peralta, and George Powell, watching the World Premier of “Ban This”, our newest video production. Got that? You’re there with your popcorn and your drink and there’s McGill sitting next to you and it’s showtime! Too good to be true? Well, it’s all possible because Powell Peralta is bringing the World Premiere of “Ban This” to St. Louis and, because you’re a Bones Brigade member, you’re invited to the very showing ever on Sat. Nov. 18at the Sheldon Concert Hall. Just follow these simple instructions to obtain your 2 free tickets…

Was someone messing with me? Surely this couldn’t be real. Head spinning, I called up my friend Dave, who lived on the next street over. A fellow Brigadier, he had just received it too. Minutes later, he was at my house, invitation in hand. We could barely comprehend what we were looking at: things like this just simply didn’t happen in St. Louis. Sure, we had some demos here and there, but a Powell Peralta video premiere? An event of this magnitude may go down in California, but not here in the middle of the rust belt. None of it made any sense, but we weren’t going to question it.

I immediately grabbed the phone and dialed up Powell HQ, reserving our tickets for the debut screening of Ban This on Saturday, November 18, 1989. A few weeks later, they finally showed up in the mail. This was really happening. To say that the level of excitement was high amongst my group of friends would be a massive understatement- we talked about it almost nonstop. Speculation ran wild: how could Public Domain be topped? What new tricks would be debuted? Who would have the opening segment? Which members of the (actual) Bones Brigade would be in attendance? Was Johnny Rad going to play? It was almost too much for our juvenile, skate-addled brains to process.

After an excruciating few months, the long anticipated day finally rolled around. More correspondence had trickled in from Powell in the interim- there would be an autograph signing beforehand at Splash, our local skate shop, featuring Tony Hawk, Ray Barbee, Steve Saiz, and Ray Underhill (along with Stacy Peralta himself). Luckily it was an unseasonably balmy afternoon, because the line snaking into Splash spilled out the front door and creeped down past several storefronts, hundreds of kids long. Despite being perched awkwardly behind a glass display counter on barstools for the better part of two hours dealing with an endless line of skateboard-wielding kids, the Brigade was all smiles, doling out innumerable autographs, shaking hands and posing for pictures with any kid who wanted one.

That evening a group of us piled into someone’s mom’s car and took off, getting to the Sheldon early to take it all in. The buzz was off the charts as we finally took our seats and the room went dim. I will never forget the deafening roar of the packed theater as the screen turned blue and a gigantic Ripper the size of a two-story house poked his bony fingers through the screen and tore out, laughing maniacally. You’ve obviously seen Ban This so I won’t go into too many details on the video itself, but suffice to say that starting with Frankie Hill’s monstrous opening segment and lasting straight through to Tony Hawk’s jaw-dropping 540 ollie ender, it was a scene of sheer, barely-containable pandemonium. You could have powered a small city with the energy in that hall.

After the video ended, everyone filed upstairs to a ballroom for an extended meet & greet/hangout with the Powell pros. The huge room was decorated with cardboard stand-ups of the lab professor who narrated the video, and numerous red winged ripper banners peppered the walls. There was even a little bulldog running around that everyone joked was the very dog that stole Lance Mountain’s board in Public Domain, flown in for the occasion. The scene was overall very chill, at least compared to the near-riot that had ensued in the theater, and to just be there in a room casually mingling with people like Tony Hawk and Ray Barbee, chatting about skateboarding, ramp building and whatever else was nothing short of surreal.

Splash Skate Shop, we later discovered, was an instrumental component in the St. Louis world premiere coming to fruition; yet despite extensive prodding from myself and my friends in the months following Ban This, the owner was always very vague on the details, usually smiling and saying something to the effect of “I just worked it out with Stacy”. My brother recounts, “I have a very hazy recollection that he just asked and they said OK, if he arranged everything”. Could it really have been that simple?

Whatever the circumstances, to this day, I consider that event to be a real milestone in my life. What an unbelievable privilege it was to be one of the first 150 people in the world to see a brand new Powell Peralta video- at the height of their dominance- was not lost on me then or now. Luckily, I kept everything I ever received associated with that night- very likely some of the only remaining copies in existence- and I’m happy to get to share them with everyone reading this issue of Pure Fun. Even today, watching Ban This (and all the old Powell classics) continues to provide maximum stoke, fueling my quest to cheat adulthood and stay young forever, which I’m happy to say is still going strong at 37.

[pdubbery]

Story Time: What Are Friends For?

It's been awhile since I've had a talk. Like a real talk. About myself. I've already discussed how I've become known as Pdubb (as well as the multiple names that I've been labeled with but that's not a problem at all)

So now, I'm ready. It's Story Time once again.

What Are Friends For?

Stated from way back, I've been an introvert for a majority of my life. Too shy to speak up, too sullen to express myself. Going into elementary school I've made these friends whom I've believed to have similar interests. Since that's a basis how friends are made. 

It was until the 2nd grade that I've gotten a sudden growth spurt. Boom, I was the tallest kid in the whole school. I was treated a bit differently then. Adults would think I was the most mature, with some assumptions that I was a high school student already. The people I have befriended became more physical, under the belief that having such a big body was an excuse to deliver and endure more pain (and thus throwing out my back in the 3rd grade from abuse.)

But I didn't see that as a problem. I was under the impression of "this is what friends do" and left it at that. I didn't complain, nor did I argue. Of course my parents would comment on such things but I would lie to avoid the confrontation. 

There was a major shift once I was in 4th grade. A new transfer (Friend A) popped in and was pretty distant from everyone. So, I just approached and introduced myself. It didn't kick off right then and there, but was pretty persistent and we became friends nonetheless. The best of friends. Elementary school went by. Middle school went by (even with the dreaded uniforms, yikes). And high school went by. We have done a lot together. Expanded our friendship to many! Hangouts at each others houses, having sleep overs, watching movies, playing games, almost everything together. It was blissful. This is what friends are for. No problems at all.

Or so I thought.

As I said, I was pretty sullen. I didn't usually speak up for myself. I just "went with the flow". Pretty much blind on my surroundings and wanting the best for those around me, with no real care for myself or what happened to me. I was desperate for friendship. Evident on how the social circle with Friend A became so massive that we pretty much knew everyone in our class through the years.

College was a game changer though. 18+ years and now going onto the road of adulthood. I was pretty carefree on what was to be done and just bandwagon. A majority of my friends went to University while a few went to community college. I decided to go to Uni with them for a Graphic Design major (since it was the only Art Major in the area). What I didn't expect, or more accurately, what I didn't realize...is that people change. Interests change.

Be it for better or for worse. 

What made me aware was more so what was happening at home, a lot of drama that flooded in my family's life made me distant from everyone. And as I became more distant...I've started to gain perspective. (A story for another time!)

Mingling with Friend A became less and less after high school, as their visions broadened to newer groups; be it going out to parties and drinking, becoming more bold and violent. Activities that I wasn't fond of, but wasn't even informed about. That was the first note that I took that I found off. I wasn't really part of the group that I've known for many years... 

When our social circle grew, the time I spent with them lessened. Not that I was avoiding them. No. It was how I wasn't involved. How I was pushed aside.

"Oh! They had a party without me? They much have forgotten my phone number!" "Oh! They had an outing without me? That's ok, maybe it was last minute!" "Oh! They went to an event without me? That's ok...I can check with them next time."

It became more and more apparent that I was becoming this outsider, with these individuals whom I've known for over 10+ years. But I was blind. I was defiant from the truth. It's what friends normally do, right? This is what friends do...

My depression slowly creeps up on me.

The situation with my family was affecting me hard (and shall be explained in another story time) and my school work suffered for it. The only thing to distract me were my "friends". I sought comfort just by hanging out with them as a distraction from the harsh reality I was living in. I was avoiding all the problems by believing I was wrong... and consistently blinded myself to believe everything was alright.

"As long as others are happy...it doesn't matter what happens to me. I won't be a burden."

There was this little underground bowling alley on campus where a particular group would sit by a plasma TV and play SSB Brawl. I was told of such a place by Friend A and went there (since Friend A had plans with another group nearby) and I was left by my lonesome. 

But I kept coming back to the spot, and slowly merged with gaming group that welcomed me. I was a bit awkward at first, just silently watching from the background.

"What's your gamer tag?" They asked when making names. And I pondered for a moment...

Pdubb

The name was kept, and that's how I was referred to with this new circle of College friends (and forever losing my birth name, haha)

(I did not come up with the name originally. Back in high school, my **Friend A** group thought of making street names for fun. I didn't join in as I wasn't there at the start of the conversation, but when I dropped in, they threw the name Pdubbsquared at me. And I accepted it. A nickname within a group. I was excited to have it.)

(Going a little off tangent so I'll cut to the main point where everything changed)

A friend of Friend A was going overseas, going into service out of high school. Now, I didn't particularly care for this person. Even though they were part of the original circle this one was pretty harsh to me, verbally and mentally. I didn't make it an issue since this person was close to Friend A so I tolerated it. Now this is when I was pressured to go to the "Farewell Party."

I declined. I didn't want to go. This was the first time, that I went against their agenda. And so I was pressured.

"This is one of your best buds, that we have known since babies and did everything together."

Wrong. We weren't best buds. I haven't known this person that long. Maybe you have done everything together Friend A, but I was never a part of that. There were so many details, so much evidence to prove them wrong, but I kept my mouth shut. I kept quiet. I just declined the offer. And now, Friend A was offended from my small act of defiance. I really didn't think much of it, but that was it. Everything was gone in a flash. And the group became angry. What did I do? I didn't do anything wrong. I gave an answer that Friend A didn't want to hear.

Days go by. Weeks go by. Months go by. The group of friends that I've known for the 10+ years....stopped talking. It was quiet. So quiet. I didn't hear from any of them. I was left behind... I wasn't part of their group anymore. Because I said "no" once...Just once... And it was all gone. These persons...these persons that I deemed as my "friends" for over a decade... Just left at the drop of a hat.

"What did I do wrong?"

The depression hits a little harder...

Fast forward. There was a party being held. I party I didn't know of. It was for a Reunion for Friend B whom I've became close with in high school and was studying across the country after high school. The thing was, I didn't know when Friend B was arriving, and it wasn't until 4 DAYS of the whole group hanging out, that I was invited on the last day of their visit.

I didn't know how to feel. How to react. 

"I'll go...because it's for Friend B..." I said to myself. 

The atmosphere was so thick. I was sitting there...with Friend A and B as well as a few others. I felt it. I really felt it. I didn't belong there. I wasn't supposed to be there. 

I was this outsider.

The day went by and I wanted to go home (since the group wanted to go out and drink the night away.) I could care less.

"It was really nice seeing you again! I'll catch up later" - says Friend B

But that was it. That was the end of it. Nothing else came after that.

So...I started thinking. Thinking about what happened. What really happened. Why did everything change so suddenly. Did I do something wrong? I must have done something. I just wanted the best for everyone. I wanted everyone to have fun...

I never wanted to be a burden...

Depression hits a little harder. Revelations start to rise.

I was desperate for friendship. Companionship. Bonds. I was young and foolish through the K- 12 years of school. I was so blind of making everyone else happy, that I saw their happiness as my own happiness. I sacrificed a lot of my own time for them...and the feelings were never returned. I finally understood why...

I WAS JUST A CONVENIENT TOOL TO FRIEND A. MY BEST FRIEND.

A person I've admired for their strength, their leadership, their charisma. It was all...misplaced. Why were those years so easy? Why were there little problems and mostly peaceful? I didn't think about it...but I came to realize what it was.

FEAR. INTIMIDATION. DOMINANCE.

Friend A knew the whole class. Made a whole social circle on his own. And there I was, just there, a silent giant, as his right hand. No one dared to oppose Friend A due to their connections and the "posse" they built. A group of giants. A group of monsters. See a particular person that "deserves" to be in our group instead of their own pathetic group? Steal them and force them into seeing our ways. This is what happened with Friend B. Stolen from another group and forced into our circle.

I was... gullible.

This is what friends do right? This is what friends were for right? The circle of "friends" that I became part of was led by a tyrant.

We were the bullies of the school...

All those years, we've been keeping kids in check...

We've hurt so many people...all for our benefit...for **Friend A's** benefit. For so many years.

I was at their beck and call.

To find out...I was simply a means to an end... I was devastated. I was just a tool. For over a decade, I was just a tool for Friend A, my best friend.

IT CAN'T BE FAKE. IT WASN'T A LIE. ALL THOSE YEARS MUST HAVE MEANT SOMETHING RIGHT?

Everything I believed...all that I was doing because I thought it was right...all for my friend's sake. I did everything for them...and then one time, when I thought for myself... I was rendered useless. 

A means to an end...

Depression hits.

What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? I've asked myself that as I slowly became empty. I continued going to Uni amidst all the confusion, though my mind wasn't right and I was failing all my classes. 

My family was in a mess. My "friends" are gone. I'm a nobody. I have to escape somewhere.

I go back to the bowling alley and decide to stick around with this gamer group. To pass the time. To distract myself from these painful thoughts. I would skip classes. Skip exams. Just show up and escape in the alley for the majority of the days and go home. 

What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? 

End it? 

I can just end it. End my meaningless existence. I'm a useless failure. Maybe I can be worth something when I'm gone. I won't be a problem to anyone anymore. I won't have to be a burden for anyone anymore. I can help others just by removing myself.

"So how is life Pdubb? We haven't seen you in awhile." says one of the persons of the Gamer Group whom has messaged me in group chat.

"I...won't be coming here anymore. To this school." I flunked all of my classes. "Oh, are you transfering?" they ask. "You can say that..." I answer. "Are you gonna come back?" they ask. "I'm unsure..." I answer.

I had no intentions of telling them how I felt. Why should I say anything? I don't want to bother them with how I am. How suicidal I'm becoming and how close I was to it.

"Well, we'll be here. We'll wait for you to come back."

Wait... 

"Yea! Whatever business you need to do, go do it! " "And then come back! We'll be waiting!"

What...Why?

"We still got a few years to go, so no real rush!"

Why??

"Do what you can Pdubb!”

WHY? THESE TEARS...ARE MISPLACED!! NO ONE CARES!! EVERYTHING IS A LIE!! IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LIE!!

The tears wouldn't stop. I didn't know what to make of it. So I just cried. Cried so hard with a pain in my chest. Why do I feel so...happy? 

These people... said things that I've never heard from my original circle. From Friend A. Things of such warmth that I've wanted to hear...

So I broke down. Hard. With my introverted self, and years of bottled feelings that I never shared, I just let it all go in a sobbing mess. I went to my family and spoke my mind, shared my concerns, expressed my feelings. Everything that I've brought onto myself.

I have felt so tired. I was drained. Exhausted. I ran my mouth dry and eyes sockets in pain from crying too much.

Yet, it was such a relief. Such an enlightenment to myself. I've never felt...so good with myself. Letting the truth out. Admitting to my faults. Knowing my own weaknesses.

Time for a Reset

This Gamer Squad whom asked if I would come back to school, although I couldn't since my grades were so bad. But I did go back to school and earned my Associates at a community college! It was a start!!

These persons that I've never really engaged with, are some of the most honest individuals I have the pleasure of knowing, and still know to this day. We have done quite a bit together these past years!

Although...

Due to the dilemma that was with Friend A,  I've grown this...distorted and warped perspective...

What are friends for? What does it mean to be a friend? Are these people your friends? Are they really your friends? Won't they hurt you, just like how the others did? You can't really trust them... You'll be used again... You are just a tool... You are only... a means to an end...

I try my best. I try my best to not think like this... Depression has hit me hard...and even though I have bested it...It's still there...

BUT

It won't control me.

It may still linger in the depths of my mind but I'll keep doing my best.

I won't be hard on myself, nor will I be hard on others. I'll be kind to myself, and I will kind to others. I'll be honest with myself, and I'll be honest with others. I'll continue to follow THE GOLDEN RULE

"Do to others what you want them to do to you"

Because that's what friends are for.

[dmallpersonalblog-blog]

March 15 2019

Today was my first day of therapy. it was a nice change of events in my current headspace and a step in the right direction. For the longest time I was afraid to admit that I needed help. That maybe I really couldn't do everything alone or in private. 

After my session my first immediate response was to eat a cheeseburger, and damn do i regret that. Greasy food and all that doesn't settle with me and I had to put in double the time at the gym to burn off the calories. But, i guess thats why they call it stress eating. The gym has been a good outlet lately for my stress and anxiety and all the sadness i’ve been sitting on for so long. A thing that I do want to change in regard to that is I find myself repeating either “Dancing in the Dark” by Joji, “Crying Over You” by Honne, or “Almost (Sweet Music)” by Honne. All good songs on their own, but just have a deeper personal feeling in regards to my mental health and this overwhelming feeling of sadness or missing my ex. Something I want to try and do is just refer to her as my ex versus her name. In essence ridding myself of her name so theres no hope of getting back together. But fuck. I do miss her. 

Back onto topic for today, my first instinct after my appointment (and cheeseburger)  was to put my chair back in the car and call my closest friends. I wanted to call my friend Monica, but with everything going on lately its just so hard to dial those numbers or to see the responses she sends me. It feels like she doesn’t even care anymore. I always though that our friendship was something that transcended time or the long periods of maybe not saying anything. I felt like i’ve been there for her when she needed it, but the one mental breakdown since HS, and she’s nowhere to be found. Its ok though, I’ll always have love for her and I want her to be happy especially if she found someone she can love also. It just hurts not being able to talk to someone that you need to.  

I really wanted to call Ashley today also but I know she has work. I sent her my previous post yesterday and I felt like she didn't really read it or acknowledge it. It’s okay though. Im sure she has life and work and her own shit going on. Something I need to realize is that everyone cant be your crutch or your lifeline and people have things they need too. I wish her the best.

The talk I had with Derek today was a bit hit and miss for me. I appreciate that he listens and lets me open up to him about stuff, but when he said that he doesn’t know or think depression medication is something he believes in or wants to do kinda upsets me. It was hard for me to open up about it, for as long as I can remember its always been a sign of weakness and its very hard to open up about stuff like that. It is what it is though, because I am getting help to benefit others and not everyone. Something thats new to me. Doing stuff for myself mentally. 

The best medicine lately has been talking to my friend Jessica. Originally I just thought it would be nice to talk to someone whose been over a recent breakup lately too and we could be sad and emo together and shit. But honestly its been a lot more than that. It is nice to talk to someone that gives a shit to be frank. Someone who acknowledges what I’ve been going though, someone who just thinks i’ll instantly get better with time and recognizes the work I’ve been trying to put in to better myself. When I called her she just seemed so proud of me that I took the step to see someone and better myself. She didn't make snide comments about needing possible anti depressants. She just made me feel safe and acknowledged. The only thing I can really hope for tbh. Definitely someone I can open up to and share my journey with and when it hopefully ends one day, we can both look back and smile because we got through it together. 

In regards to my therapy. I want to be more open and honest with my therapist. It felt like she knew what I was going through and had sympathy. She made me feel like I wanted a reason to live. A reason to keep on going. She told me to go easier on myself, something that I really want to do. I want to live for myself and not for others. I don’t want to burden people. I don’t want to let people know that i’m struggling so bad that sometimes I lay in bed and think that if I jumped off a cliff everything would be ok. I hate that it takes me forever to get out of bed because this paralyzing sense of fear and embarrassment creeps in and makes you hide under the covers and make you think about all the good memories you had in the past 4 year and replaces them with the love you thought you had sucking another dudes dick or laughing at you while she gets fingered by your ex bestfriend. Depression feels like getting a dick constantly jammed into your ear. It sucks and it hurts and why the fuck would you even want a dick in your ear. I hate that we broke up and I also hate the feeling that maybe I needed it to discover more about myself and my happiness. TBH I wasn't happy the past 8 months. I was only happy when I was with her, and thats something I need to change. To be happy on my own. But, i wish i didnt see that youtube search awhile back. Or to see her moving on with someone else, that would hurt way too fucking much.

Other than talking about myself and my issues, we talked about the term co-dependent and what that means. I feel like I was so codependent on her that it was hard to do things on my own. That i wanted to spend all the moments i could and when she wasn't able to, what was I supposed to do? I loved her so much and even after 4 years I loved her as much as our first time together, or our 1 year anniversary. Or just laying in bed kissing and promising our futures together. I love deeply and passionately and I don’t want to be ashamed of that. What is so wrong about loving your partner to the fullest? Caring about their future, and their well being and how they are doing. But recently, I feel like if i were to even go back into the dating scene I couldn’t. Hook up culture scares me. Sex without love scares me. Finding your “soul mate” scares me, because I dont even know what I want yet.

My therapist said that we did spend our first 4 years of our adult lives with each other and not knowing anything else really hurts you, especially with a clean break from each other. I just hope it gets easier with time. I’m hurting and it really shows.

I need a break from social media for awhile. I need a break from my feelings for awhile also. 

In regards to my mental health though... there are still a lot of days where I don’t want to do much and I do think about just ending it all. But I know i cant do that. I dont want my parents or relatives or friends deal with that and emotionally fuck them up. But, I also want a reason for me not to end my life and want to live versus wanting others to want me to live. I just need that reason. 

Im stressed out about finding a job. I feel like if it was hard to find one in CA, it might be even harder here. Im stressed out about my living situation. I just wish they wanted me here more, or that I didn’t feel like an nuisance or a bother. 

I wish I had more friends out here to hangout with or get a drink or just do something fun. Its been lonely if im being 100% honesty. I’m so grateful for my sister though, shes been helping me out so much. I love her so much and I just hope my mental health isnt fucking with hers. She deserves the world and more. 

Im glad i’ve been writing these blog posts to empty out my emotions and all those feelings. For the first time in a long time i’m hopeful for the future. 

ALSO; i’m nervous about anti depressants. Theres such a stigma towards them and I hope i don’t become reliant on them just like I was reliant on my ex. But, deep down I know i need them to be better and feel better. 

If you’ve gotten this far thank you for reading and letting me vent out my feelings and my hopes and sadness. I hope I can be a more contributing member to society one day.

[alexwhoneedsfriends-blog]

Who Needs The Festival

THE FESTIVAL.

How do I even begin to talk about one of the greatest experiences of my life?

The Conference

I worked with the Conference Department during the Festival. It took place during the first four days and A LOT happened. The interns were instructed to meet at our temporary tech center at 6:45 am. We had to get there early to attend the morning staff meetings. It was great hearing about what other departments were focusing on and anything to be on the lookout for during the day. That first meeting made the experience feel real. I was going to be a part of something much larger than my myself or my department. On that first day, I was nervous, scared, excited, and tired. All. The. Feels. After the meetings, and a provided breakfast, we each went to our stationed rooms and prepared for the day. I had done a lot of prep working leading up to the conference. I researched my panels and panelists, I made a powerpoint to keep track of my room’s schedule and names, I checked in on the interest of these panels through sign-ups, etc. I tend to want to know as much as possible before I go into situations. I’m a “worst case scenario” thinking person, so I want to make sure everything's going right to the best of my abilities before the WCS creeps in.

The first day a learning curve day. Things didn’t go wrong, but it wasn’t smooth. By day three, even with some odd people and odd things present, I was running like the machine that I am. I was communicating with my volunteers, meeting panelists and moderators, making announcements, and sessions were running well. I was even finding time to actually enjoy the speakers and learning a lot from the experience. At the end of every day, our department would meet up to recount the day’s events, learning what we could be doing better for the next day and answering questions. After being in our own little world for hours, it was great to have this time to destress, vent, and laugh together. We were all going through this together. The last day of the Conference, we had a really long meeting where we went into more details about events and talked about possible improvements for next year.

It was a long four days. I was tired. I was running on adrenaline. I was busy. Most moments of the day, there was something that I was supposed to be doing. I was happy. It was great. I got to experience amazing speakers and call it “work”!

Conference Story 1: What the…?

The biggest issue I had during the Conference was mainly with AV. It wasn’t that it was malfunctioning. It was usually working, and most panels only required the microphones on. A few were a bit more complicated and maybe used a powerpoint or showed clips. Each day, I had an AV person stationed in my room. The first two days were great. The AV person and I were communicating wonderfully. The next two days were super odd. I had this one girl who was nice but maybe she just wasn’t as experienced. Any time more AV than microphones were used, two or three other AV people would come in and out. That’s fine. Whatever it takes to make sure things are working properly and panelists and registrants are happy. It was during one of the closed workshops when things got odd.

There was a three-hour, closed workshop at the end of Saturday. Only about 15 people were invited. The organizers weren’t going to use the microphones but they did have some powerpoint presentations and videos, so we had multiple AV people in and out in addition to the girl who stayed in the room (in my opinion, doing nothing). I did notice that one guy, younger than the rest, also kept coming in and out but wasn’t really doing anything. I had seen him earlier in the day because he dropped off a jacket for the AV girl. Every time he would enter during this workshop, either she would walk from the front of the room to the back to talk to him or he would meet her up at the front. This happened several times. Then, one time, I noticed that they both were sitting for for a good amount of time before they left again. It had been a long day, and a long weekend so far, so this was not super high on my priority list but I was definitely going to mention it at our department meeting later. Then, they came back in and stayed at the back of the room, where I was. She sat down, and he stood behind her. At this time, our Conference Coordinator entered the room to see how things were going. We chatted for a little bit and took a few moments to breathe and “relax”. While we were both sitting there, I noticed that the guy was massaging the girl… GROSS. One of my least favorite forms of PDA. Not only did I notice, but my boss noticed. I told her I would take care of it. She left and shortly after, the AV guy left too. Don’t worry, he soon returned again. The girl had gone back to the front to sit and he hung around the door. I asked him if he was AV. He said yes. I asked if he was AV for this room. He bent down to my seated level, and over my shoulder pointed and told me no, but she (the AV girl) was. I told him that this was a closed event and he couldn’t just stay and hangout. He said ok, told me to give the girl this jacket, and left. I went up to the front of the room and gave her the jacket, and I thought that was the end of that.

I recounted these events at our nightly meeting. The Conference Coordinator backed me up and added how she felt weird about the PDA. Another intern asked me what the AV girl looked like. I described her. He then noted that she was in and out of his room all day talking to his AV guy. WOAH!!! He also told us that his AV guy asked if he could borrow the intern’s jacket, and this must have been the jacket that was given to the AV girl. NOT COOL BRO. Who borrows a jacket from someone to give to someone else in another room for parts of the day? We were all slightly weirded out, but it was a nice laugh at the end of the day.

The next day, I entered my room and the AV girl was there again. I knew that our Conference Director had talked to the head of the AV department, but I wasn’t sure if this AV girl was told any specifics. She gave me a warm greeting and we talked about movies while we set up the room for the first panel of the day. Before the panel began, our Conference Director stopped by to check on things. She asked if the AV girl in the room was the one I was talking about yesterday. I said yes. The CD then proceeded to go talk to her. A few moments passed. Before the CD left, she told me to let her know if I had any problems that day. I told her OK and went about my day.

It get’s better. Our meeting that night was almost three hours long. Our CD bought us appetizers and drinks, so it was also fun. We went around in a circle and gave our final reports. Mine wasn’t too long, but I had a couple suggestions for next year, especially regarding AV. I then asked the CD about the conversation she had with my AV girl that morning. Basically:

CD: Hi, are you working AV in this room?

AVG: Yes.

CD: And you were working in here yesterday too?

AVG: Yes.

CD: I got some complaints yesterday from some registrants and panelists about you behavior yesterday. They said you were showing a lot of PDA with your boyfriend yesterday. I just want to let you know, if I hear anything from your Room Manager about you today, you are out of the festival.

AVG: My boyfriend? No. That’s my BROTHER.

CD: Boyfriend. Brother. Whoever he is, if we see him in here today you will both be out.

WHAT THE…?!?!?!?!?! BROTHER!?!?!?!?! I hope not. That is not the kind of PDA that you show with your brother. We all agreed that was ridiculous. Right? Hopefully not.

This very quickly became a department inside joke. We joked about it at the closing party. When I saw the AV girl a couple weeks later at the book festival, I made sure to mention it in the office the following week. Nothing brings people closer together than awkward/mind blowing experiences.

Next time on “AWNF”: Conference Story #2, the films, the parties

Yo! Sorry for the surprise hiatus. This took me much longer than I thought to write. I also wasn’t planning to split the post into two parts, but I think we’ll all appreciate this choice! May your 2017 be better than 2016 - no shade to 2016, you should want every year to be bigger and better than the last… but for real tho, a little shade.