#ok the truth is i took off the ugliest of the men

[chemicalarospec]

my haircut inspo board filled with the ugliest men on earth and one woman who looks like young william beckett.

[sinnamonn]

Welcome to Hell: Ch 1.

Word count: 2.8K

A 20 year old gets isekaied to hell and has to attend private school with a bunch of demons who’re assholes and they hate it here.

Gia did not want to be here.

Wherever ‘here’ was, exactly.

‘What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck!?’ Their eyes frantically darted around their surroundings, they were in some kind of courtroom? An overly fancy courtroom surrounded by a bunch of men.

Were...were they on trial? Did they finally commit a war crime?

“Welcome to the Devildom, Gia.”

The redhead jumped as someone spoke from their blind spot.

Their blind spot-? Oh god Gia didn’t have their glass eye in! Quickly, they shut their left eye tight and moved their hair to cover it. No one wanted to see their hollow socket, that was gross.

“...Oh, pardon me, feeling a bit shocked are we?” This person continued. Gia turned to see a tall, broad man in by far the ugliest military-esque uniform they had ever seen. He continued, more so talking at them than to them, “Well, that’s understandable, you’ve only just arrived after all. As a human it will probably take a little while for you to adjust to things in the Devildom.”

What the absolute hell was this guy talking about!?

“Wha…? Am I hallucinating?” Gia asked, finally breaking out of their shocked silence. That had to be the answer; Gia snapped and their fractured mind conjured up this delusion to cope. Or maybe it was the new ADHD meds? They didn’t remember any of the side effects being hallucinations, but you never know, right?

That statement earned a laugh from the man, “That...That’s such a human thing to say! Outstanding!” He happily exclaimed, “I have a feeling you might be just the sort of person we’re looking for!”

‘Looking for?’ Gia thought, more anxiety settling in them. Was this a human trafficking situation? Were they sold to these weirdos?! “Who are you? And where the hell am I?” They asked cautiously, if this was a human trafficking deal, then they would need to be extra careful, especially since this guy was kinda off. In kidnapping situations, the best way to guarantee survival is to not fight, earn your kidnapper’s trust, and wait for the right opportunity to escape.

At least, that’s what was drilled into them by their mother and the true crime documentaries they watched in their spare time.

“Right, I suppose I should start by introducing myself. I am Diavolo, the ruler of all demons, and all here know my name,” ‘Diavolo’ explained, “and as for where you are, you’ve more or less answered that yourself.”

Gia blinked a few times, processing what he just said, “I’m...in Hell?

Oh.

“Yes, but we refer to it as the Devildom, and soon I’ll be crowned it’s king.”

Oh!?

Gia looked around, their eye landing on a balcony overlooking a large town; and when they moved their head to the left a little more there was a giant castle.

This place was Hell?

Diavolo kept speaking, “This is the Royal Academy of Diavolo...or RAd for short…,”

Gia only half listened. They were in Hell, the only way to get to Hell was by dying and that meant that Gia themself was dead. How did they die? Did their lack of memory imply that the redhead died in their sleep? That would explain why their eye was out and why they had on the oversized Rob Zombie sweatshirt their dad left them.

Beside that, Hell was a lot nicer than they expected. When Gia thought of ‘Hell’ they imagined way more fire, brimstone, and screams of the damned; not some fancy private school run by a monarch. Well, they supposed that private school was a type of hell in itself, but still this was unexpected.

“I’m the president of said council,”

Of course he was the one running things, then maybe he knew how they ended up here?

“So,um, how did I die...and why am I here?” They asked, god that sounded weird.

“Excuse me?” Diavolo asked

“How did I die and why am I here?” Gia repeated, “I mean, I always figured I’d go to Hell, but I wanna at least know how I got here.”

Another man came into their view, and he looked far more intimidating than Diavolo, “I will explain everything to you, first being that you’re still very much alive.” He said, Gia immediately didn’t like him, he had a high and mighty way of speaking, almost like he was talking down to them. He just had all around bad vibes.

“Gia, this is Lucifer, he’s a demon and the Avatar of Pride.” Diavolo introduced the Bad Vibes Man.

Well, no shit this guy was a demon, they were in Hell after all. But ‘Avatar of Pride’? What did that mean?

“He’s also the Vice President of the student council and my right hand man...not just in title, I assure you.” He continued

So they were fucking?

“Beyond that, he’s also my most trusted friend!”

That statement earned a sigh from Lucifer, “Flattery will get you nowhere, Diavolo.”

They were absolutely fucking.

Lucifer’s attention turned back to the redhead, a fake smile plastered on his face, “On behalf of the entire student body at this great and storied school of ours, I offer you a most heartfelt welcome, Gia.”

He totally memorized a script.

Gia stared up at him with a blank look, “Answer my other question, why am I here if I’m not dead?”

That earned a light chuckle from the demon, “Interesting, you’re quite different from Solomon.”

Who the hell was Solomon!?

Lucifer continued, “Diavolo believes we should start strengthening our relationship with the other realms. As a first step towards this goal, we’ve decided to institute an exchange program. We’ve sent two of our kind to the Human Realm and two to the Celestial Realm.” He explained, “And we’re welcoming four students to our school, two from your world and two from the Celestial Realm.”

Wait, Gia never signed up for any damn exchange program! You can’t just warp people to different realms without consent, right?!

“Ok...I’m connecting the dots now. But why me? I don’t remember signing up for anything,” they said, nervously fiddling with the sleeves of their sweatshirt, “much less an exchange program to He-The Devildom.” They corrected themselves.

“This isn’t something one signs up for,” Diavolo chimed in, “You just happened to fit all the criteria we were looking for.”

A one eyed, goth enby was what they were looking for? That sounded like bullshit.

“Your period of stay is one year,” Lucifer continued, “You will work on tasks you receive from RAD, and afterwards you’ll write a paper on your stay.”

“One year!?” Gia exclaimed, “I can’t say here that long! I have a life back in the human world and you can’t just rip me away from that!”

“Oh?” Lucifer’s gazed sharpened at them, “From our research, you’re life didn’t exactly have much going, you’re not in school, you work on commission, and you don’t seem to have any friends.”

He did not have to go there on that last part.

“My family will wonder where I am...and I still have people who depend on me.” Gia argued back, glaring back at Lucifer.

“‘People’?” Lucifer questioned in a way that made Gia know that he knew that statement was only a half truth, “You mean the stray cats that come crying to you for food every evening?”

Wow, Gia never wanted to throat punch anyone so badly.

“You forgot about the possum I’ve been domesticating and my garden snails.” Gia smirked, “What about it?”

This

Nope, they were not going to show weakness, not to some seven deadly sin motherfucker, not to some demon prince, not to anyone. Lucifer only shook his head, “Now, you should know that you won’t be alone here, you’ll be looked after by my brother Mammon, Avatar of Greed.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked to be an iPhone, placing it into their hands, “You’ll need this, it’s a D.D.D, it’s a lot like the cellphones from your world. It’s yours during your stay here.” Lucifer explained, “Now go ahead and call Mammon.”

“O...Ok....” Gia replied, opening the device with ease. Lucifer wasn’t lying, this thing was nearly identical to the cellphones back in her world. They easily found their contacts list and Mammon’s number. Now for the hard part, actually talking on the phone.

Don’t show weakness around the demons, if Gia did that they’d be eaten alive. Don’t be the person who sassed a high ranking demon but can’t talk on the phone. That would be embarrassing.

They pressed call, waiting with bated breath as it rang. After what seemed like forever ( it was twenty seconds), “Mammon” picked up.

“Yooo.”

Wow, this guy seemed nothing like Lucifer and Diavolo, maybe he was cool?

“Uh, hey…” Gia answered nervously.

“Eh? Are ya foolin’ around? Who the hell are ya?!”

“I’m the human from the ‘exchange program’,” they explained quickly, “and apparently your problem now.”

“Whaa? A human?” He sounded like he sighed in relief on the other end, “geez, I was gettin’ all chilly thinking it was Lucifer again. Ya should have told me earlier! Also, go be someone else’s problem, nothing’ in it for me. See ya.”

Nope, he was an asshole too. Great.

“Wait--! Lucifer called for you!” Gia stammered.

“Pfft, whatever,” Mammon groaned, “ya think THE Mammon would listen to ya just cause you’re tryin’ to scare me with that name?”

Before Gia could reply, Lucifer took the D.D.D from them, looking annoyed, “You’ve got ten seconds....nine....eight....”

Mammon must have changed his mind because Lucifer handed back the D.D.D, that signature fake smile back on his face. “You two seemed to have a nice chat.”

“Your brother is a dick.” Gia stated bluntly, earning some muffled laughter from the others they couldn’t see.

“That’s one way to put it…” Lucifer replied, rubbing his temples.

“”But you shouldn’t worry to much, Mammon won’t be the only one helping you out,” Diavolo added, turning to Lucifer, “you still need to introduce our new friend to the rest of your brothers!”

Gia could see the life leaving Lucifer’s eyes, “As much as I dread the idea of doing so, you’re right.”

Oh, god there were more of them? !

Suddenly, a new demon came into view, the only way Gia could describe him was soft. He looked like a soft boy™, his hair was a fluffy light brown and his bright amber eyes pierced through them. “Oh come now. Really? You should be honored to get to introduce such a sweet and charming little brother like me!” He pouted.

“Gia, this is Asmodeus, fifth eldest and the Avatar of Lust.” Lucifer completely ignored the other demon’s statement. Asmodeus didn’t seem to like that and complained more, truly a younger sibling at their finest.

“Hmph, at least he didn’t ignore you all together. How do you think I feel?” Questioned another, this one blonde and wearing a bowtie. Yet another soft looking boy, Gia was beginning to find it harder to see these guys as legit demons.

“And that one is Satan,” Lucifer continued, “he’s the fourth born, he may seem like responsible demon with a good head on his shoulders, but looks can be deceiving.”

Satan shot Lucifer a dirty look, “Really?” I’m the deceiving one?” He sneered, but it was replaced quickly by a polite smile when he turned back to Gia, “Nice to meet you, Gia, I’m Satan, Avatar of Wrath.”

Wrath? This guy was wrath? He didn’t give off ‘wrath’ vibes at all. To be completely honest Gia guessed he’d be the Avatar of Envy what with his green eyes, nails, and shirt. Archetypal symbolism meant nothing here, then?

Awkwardly, Gia extended their hand to the, “So...Lust and Wrath, huh?” They said though it came off more as a question. Satan went to reciprocate the gesture, but he was cut off by Asmodeus; he took the small human’s hand, lacing his fingers between theirs and completely invading Gia’s personal space.

“That’s right~! Lust is what I’m all about, including my power.” He cheerfully explained, “In fact, let’s give a little demonstration!”

The demon moved to close the gap between them.

“Hey--wait sec-!”

He ignored them, going to move the hair obscuring their eye, “Gia, could you-why are you closing your eye so hard? Are you winking at me?”

Gia yanked themself away from him, wanting desperately to put more distance between the two and avoiding eye contact with Asmodeus.

“No, I’m just missing it.” They replied simply. That statement seemed to take everyone aback.

“Oh, I wasn’t aware of that…” Lucifer stated

Just when Gia thought the whole ‘fitting the criteria’ thing was bullshit, Lucifer goes and says that.

“You studied me enough to know my only friends were cats, snails, and a possum, but not enough to know that I’m missing an eye?” Gia asked, sounding rightfully exasperated.

“W-Well in all your photos you had both of them.” Diavolo said, trying to defend Lucifer. Ignoring the very, very creepy implications of that Gia replied, shrugging, “That was a glass eye, guess I was summoned here before I had a chance to put it back in.”

“Eh? Why would you even take it out?” Asmo shuttered.

“Gotta wash it.” They answered.

They jumped as they felt a hand on their left shoulder, letting out a small squeak they hoped that no one caught. These guys were just gonna ignore the fact they were blind on that side, huh?

“Oh, sorry,” Satan removed his hand, “But word of advice; be wary of Asmodeus’s gaze, he can charm and manipulate anyone with it, and then use them to his advantage.” He warned, “If you’re not careful, he’ll charm you then eat you alive.”

So he was basically a walking roofie?

“...Duly noted.” They replied.

“Hey! Don’t badmouth me to the cutie!” Asmo pouted, “We’ll continue this later, right Gigi?” He winked.

“No.”

“Ok, that’s enough.” Lucifer sighed, turning Gia’s attention to an absolutely huge guy with a not-so-pleasant look on his face, “Now this is Beelzebub, he’s the sixth oldest.”

“Lucifer, I’m hungry.” He complained. It didn’t take them long to figure out he was the Avatar of Gluttony, his introduction punctuated with his stomach growling,“I’m Beelzebub, Avatar of Gluttony.”

“Cool.”

“And Mammon, the second eldest, will be here soon,” Lucifer said the other demon’s name in annoyance, Gia wasn’t exactly excited to meet him, “My other brothers aren’t here at the moment but...well, we can get to them later. All in good time.”

No, it was all in bad time because Gia didn’t want to be here and didn’t want to meet this Mammon or any other of his asshole brothers.

Diavolo added, “during your stay in the Devildom the seven demon brothers will lend you their strength, and you’ll be living with them for your own safety.”

Gia had a pretty good idea why, “because humans are food to demons?” They questioned.

“That and if anything were to happen to you it would be our responsibility,” Lucifer said, “I won’t betray Diavolo’s expectations.”

What a devoted husband.

“So, I will do everything in my power to make sure you survive your stay here.” Lucifer continued.

And how did he plan to do that? By making them exchange numbers on a messaging app like high schoolers. That was it? No demonic protection seal? No demonic guard dog? How lame.

“I’ll send you a message!” Diavolo said excitedly taking out his own D.D.D.

“Isn’t that nice, Gia? You’re going to be friends with the future king of the Devildom.” Satan spoke up. Yeah, great.

The D.D.D buzzed, Diavolo’s only message being a sticker of some...demonic penguin looking thing looking angry, that was quickly followed by an apologia text from him,

“Sorry! Ignore that! I’m still new to texting!”

Gia felt the corner of their lip twitch, ‘Hah, what a dad.’ In response, they sent back another demon penguin thing, this one looking a lot happier and Diavolo sent back the same.

Suddenly, Gia became aware of heavy, fast footsteps approaching the hall.

Lucifer groaned, “Well, you’ve got that figured out, and it seems the idiot has arrived as well.”

The double doors slammed open, hitting the walls with a loud bang; and in stormed a very pissed off looking twink.

“HEY! Just who do you think you think you are, human!? You’ve got a lot of nerve summoning the great Mammon!”

Like Lucifer, Gia immediately disliked this demon. Was this their personal hell? A kingdom of obnoxious rich boys that reeked of “I peaked in high school?”

Mammon got up in their face and Gia was immediately hit with the stench of axe body spray and insecurity all but seeping out of the demon's pores. It reminded them of the boys she went to school with who would get red in the face when they sat down during the pledge.

This was absolutely Gia’s personal hell.

[hexalt]

oh my god i think i like you

- you're pretty & smart & ignoring me so obviously you're my type. - i won't forget, i won't regret this beautiful, heart stopping, breathtaking, life-changing... - hey. you're the love of my life. you know that, right?

a rebecca bunch x greg serrano mega mix from season 1 to season 4, so there's A LOT OF MOODS. prepare to laugh, cry, and dance. cover completely inspired by cordeliafoxxy's mix fanmix challenge - ix. fictional relationships (groups, family, friendship, otp, etc.)

[ spotify | 8tracks (incomplete) ]

falling for the first time - barenaked ladies I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser / I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out / I'm so sane, it's drivin' me crazy / It's so strange, I can't believe it feels just like I'm falling for the first time

i’m not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance - black kids I'm not gonna teach him how to dance / The second I do, I know we're gonna be through / I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you / He don't suspect a thing / I wish he'd get a clue / I'm not gonna teach him how to dance to with you

bartender - regina spektor Come on, bartender / You have got to kick me back out / Into the cold and nasty weather / And maybe if I sober up / I will stop / Pretending that love is forever / Come on, bartender / Love will be the death of me / Love is so fickle / It starts with a flood and it ends with a trickle

closing time - semisonic Closing time / One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer / Closing time / You don't have to go home but you can't stay here / I know who I want to take me home

settle for me - santino fontana Yes, Josh is a dream, but I’m right here / In flesh and blood and self-hate / Settle for me / In a sad way, darling, it’s fate

settle for me (reprise) - rachel bloom Why not just settle for him? / He's a nice, smart guy / And he and I / Do get along... / Well, kind of.

i really want you to hate me - meg myers I really want you to hate me / I really want you to find / That I am bitter and angry / That I'm the ugliest girl / And I will never be a bride / There's no love for the wicked / There's no love and / I wanna die

self esteem - the offspring I wrote her off for the tenth time today / And practiced all the things I would say / But she came over / I lost my nerve / I took her back and made her dessert / Now I know I'm being used / That's okay because I like the abuse / I know she's playing with me / That's okay 'cause I've got no self-esteem

feels like we only go backwards - tame impala I've got my hopes up again, oh no, not again / It feels like we only go backwards, darlin' / The seed of all this indecision isn't me / 'Cause I decided long ago / But that's the way it seems to go / When trying so hard to get to something real

shadowboxer - fiona apple I was on to every play / I just wanted you / But oh, it's so evil, my love, the way you've no / Reverence to my concern / So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love / To save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn

happier - a fine frenzy Quick kid quick, so harsh and cynical / It's not the words that make it final / You've said such things before to rival them / But it's how you say 'em now that's changed / Cold but sympathetic all the same / Lie to convince me that I'll be better off / Oh, you go on and I'll be happier

tired - adele I'm tired of trying / Your teasing ain't enough / Fed up of biding your time / When I don't get nothing back / I get closer, you obviously prefer him

it’s you - zayn She got / Her own reasons / For talking to me / And she don't, she don't, she don't / Give a fuck about what I need / And I can't tell you why / Because my brain can't equate it / Tell me your lies / Because I just can't face it

the writing’s on the wall - ok go It seems like forever / Since we had a good day / The writing's on the wall / But I just want to get you high tonight / I just want to see some pleasure in your eyes / And I go too high, and you go too cold then we both fall apart / Then you bring your mind, to rest against mine / But the mind has no say on affairs of the heart

tear you apart - she wants revenge Either way he wanted her and this was bad / He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy / Now a little crush turned into a like / And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her, / "I want to hold you close / Soft breasts, beating heart / As I whisper in your ear / I want to fucking tear you apart"

i gave you a uti - santino fontana One night with me is pure ecstasy / 'Cause I know just what you like / But you should know for a week or so / You won't be able to ride a bike / I gave you a UTI

oh my god i think i like you - rachel bloom I say, "No no no! This is just about sex!" / And "No no no! Don't be such a girl, Becks!" / But then I feel the oxytocin creeping back to my brain / And all I can do is sing it again / Oh my god, I think I like you

everything is embarrassing - sky ferreira Maybe if you let me be your lover / Maybe if you tried, then I would not bother / I've been hating everything, everything that could have been / Could have been my anything, now everything's embarrassing

like a friend - pulp I had one, two, three / Four shots of happiness, I look like a big man / But I've only got a little soul / I wish I could be an example / Wish I could say I stood up for you / And fought for what was right / But I never did / I did what was wrong though I knew what was right / I've got no wisdom that I want to pass on

slow disco - st. vincent There's blood in my ears / And a fool in the mirror / And the pain of mistakes couldn't get any clearer / Am I thinking what everybody's thinkin'? / I'm so glad I came, but I can't wait to leave / Slip my hand from your hand / Leave you dancin' with a ghost

about a girl - the academy is... Last night I knew what to say / But you weren't there to hear it / These lines so well rehearsed / Tongue-tied and overloaded / You never noticed / I'm not in love / This is not my heart / I'm not gonna waste these words / About a girl

twice - little dragon Twice I turn my back on you / I fell flat on my face but didn't lose / Tell me what led you on, I'd love to know / Was it both men / Thought I had an answer once / But your random ways swept me along

knife - grizzly bear I want you to know / When I look in your eyes / With every blow / Comes another lie / You think it's alright / Can't you feel the knife?

still - foo fighters Bring some change up to the bridge / Bring some alcohol / There we'll make a final wish / Just before the fall / Promise I will be forever yours / Promise not to say another word

false alarm - the head and the heart Visions of you dance through my head / Dark heroine of the books I have read / Pages torn out, I made up my own world / Deep in the dream, it's all built to last / You'll pull the plug, drain me down fast / So many stones, stuck in my shoes / And I know if there's enough / It could make up a road / That could lead me far from this town

georgia - vance joy She is something to behold / Elegant and bold / She is electricity / Running to my soul / And I could easily lose my mind / The way you kiss me will work each time / Calling me to come back to bed / Singing Georgia on my mind

anyone who knows what love is (will understand) - irma thomas You can blame me / Try to shame me / And still I'll care for you / You can run around / Even put me down / Still I'll be there for you / The world / May think I'm foolish / They can't see you / Like I can / Oh but anyone / Who knows what love is / Will understand

i wanna get better - bleachers I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face / I wanna get better / I didn't know I was broken 'til i wanted to change / I wanna get better

it was a shit show - santino fontana We can't undo, can't make amends / Dysfunction is our lingua franca / When you say that I should stay / That's exactly when I should split / Though I won't forget, I won't regret / This beautiful, heart stopping / Breathtaking, life-changing...!

vertigo - anya marina The song you sing is sentimental / The song you sing is making me well / I like it, like it, outta control / The song you sing gives me vertigo / I was singing to myself / Pretending you were there

santa monica dream - angus & julia stone I'm singing songs about the future / Wondering where you are / I could call you on the telephone / But do I really want to know? / You're making love now to the lady down the road / No I don't, I don't want to know / I'm somewhere, you're somewhere / I'm nowhere, you're nowhere / You're somewhere, you're somewhere / I could go there but I don't

weary blues - madeleine peyroux Lord knows it died the day you left / My dream world fell apart / Weary blues from waitin' / Lord, I've been waitin' so long / These blues have got me cryin' / Oh, sweet daddy please come home

love is a losing game - amy winehouse Love is losing game / One I wished, I never played / Oh, what a mess we made / And now the final frame

hello, nice to meet you - rachel bloom & skyler astin Pleased to make your acquaintance, stranger / I've spent many years processing my anger / Wouldn't know what to say to the person I knew / But it's nice to meet you

enchanted - taylor swift All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you / This night is sparkling, don’t you let it go / I’m wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

505 - arctic monkeys I'm going back to 505 / If it's a seven hour flight or a forty-five minute drive / In my imagination you're waiting, lying on your side / With your hands between your thighs / But I crumble completely when you cry / It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye

forget forgive - someone Bad thoughts pushing at the neck / Puts pressure on the chest / Calm sorrow / Forget / Forgive

warning sign - coldplay I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in / I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones / That I started looking for a warning sign / When the truth is, I miss you

fine with me - rizzle kicks Spit out the bitter when life isn't sweet, yeah / That's fine with me, fine with me / Just for today, if nothing goes my way, well / That's fine with me, fine with me / 'Cause I'm in the place / Where nothing could happen / To the smile on my face

warm body - cafune Give me all your heartaches and I'll push them down the drain / There's no need for voices that aren't singing this refrain / Say all you want, just stay / You just need a warm body / I'll be your install, I just need your warm body / Everybody knows, they just need to talk about it / Stay this way, hit replay

stop desire - tegan and sara I can't deny I'm begging for attention / Dropping hints, hoping for some tension / Getting tired of making all this racket / Waiting on you to get your ass in gear / I didn't wanna be so invested / I played it cool and then I overdressed it / Get me, feel me, want me / Like me, love me, need me

she’s so high - tal bachman First class and fancy-free, she's high society / She's got the best of everything / What could a guy like me ever really offer? / She's perfect as she can be, why should I even bother? / 'Cause, she's so high, high above me / She's so lovely

i really like you - carly rae jepsen I need to tell you something / I really, really, really, really, really, really like you / And I want you, do you want me, do you want me too?

sweet - little dragon Sweet, that feeling when you know you're hooked and you can't get enough / Sweet, that feeling when you're skating down the avenue of love / Sweet, I was checking on your phone because this sweetness is drugs / Sweet, can't get enough, not giving up

i hate everything but you - skyler astin I hate the phrase "Love conquers all," and I hate that it's true / 'Cause I want to not hate things when I'm with you / You love so many things and you have so much fun / It makes me wish my hating days were done

love natural - crystal fighters It's almost midnight, the time is coming up / The time is getting closer, the time is almost here / Life is upon us and the time for love is here and now / When I look at you, oh I feel my heart / Oh, I feel your love deep inside

do it again - santino fontana My lips just ache to have you take the kiss that's waiting for you / You know if you do, you won't regret it, come and get it / Do it again, please do it again

the sword & the pen - regina spektor Don't let me out of this kiss / Don't let me say what I say / The things that scare us today / What if they happen someday / Don't let me out of your arms / For now / I don't want to live without you

sea of love - cat power Do you remember / When we met / That's the day / I knew you were my pet / I wanna tell you / How much / I love you

[ceruleanchillin]

I Missed You/I’ll Miss You

Arthur Morgan x F!Reader

Warnings: “light” smut, slight spoilers of chapter 2

A03

There was true irony in the fact that you’d dramatically flitted about the camp comparing it to a prison prior to getting a horse, but you’d spent the last three days in camp doing less than you had before. It didn’t take the best of learned men to figure out what your problem was. However, only the women had the gall to call you on it.

Arthur had been gone for three weeks, and while bounty hunting was rarely a quick job, you were still worried. You were sure everyone was worried in their own way, but the the simple fact that it was their way of life, softened the edge of said worry. You understood that yourself, it was your way of life too. However, you had something new and fragile with Arthur, so it wasn’t quite the same as it was before. You hadn’t expected that either. The bounties had been particularly nasty, and thus worth a decent penny, the only way Arthur would consider taking them. He was a capable man, that you knew, but you were a well traveled woman. You’d seen enough to learn, even for yourself, that no one was a god.

Miss Grimshaw tried to busy you with chores, “What’s a wandering mind ever been good for besides trouble? That boy’s too stubborn to die. Now, clean laundry is a different story and I got a wagon fulla potential”.

Karen had suggested going into town to play the ‘Chaos Game’, something you and she had invented on a whim to drive the men in camp crazy when they had to “save” you. It was especially fun when it was John and Arthur. Start a major saloon fight here, plant an idea in a girl’s head about her fella to start a screaming match there, sloppily pick pocket and pin it on someone else, steal a horse, etc.

Of course, how much fun could that be when the best part of the game, for you, was being ‘punished’, and you didn’t think it appropriate to ask John to fill Arthur’s shoes.

Abigail told you it was downhill from there. Now that you and Arthur had fallen into something resembling being together, you should expect the aches of disappointment more often. “They fuck you so good you think the next time might be different, but nope. That’s about the highlight of their use.” And no, she wasn’t “bitter” she’d quickly informed you at your side glance of her.

Mary-Beth had tried to get you to see it as something romantic and adventurous. “Just imagine when he rides up like a knight, and sweeps you off your feet.” she sighed, a wistful smile playing on her lips. “Then you’ll be able to make some more of that pretty soap with the flowers in it that you make. We’re running low.” Ah, thanks for caring.

The men had been the ones to pussyfoot around the topic. They just wanted to entertain you in the moment, never mentioning or hinting at what was wrong. John suggested you take him spearfishing, “For your benefit of course.”.

Dutch sat audience while you sang a duet with Uncle, and was kind enough not to comment when you kept falling out conversation with the two men. Uncle wasn’t.

Tilly was the one to really snap you out of it though. You two were playing poker for candy with Karen, and where you normally walked away with a store’s stock full, that game wouldn’t make the books as one of your best.

“If you ask me, Arthur wouldn’t even recognize this mopey piece of furniture. I mean what happened to the girl who jumped off the top of a cliff into a lake for fun?” Karen reclined in her chair in time to her unapologetically sharp statement.

Tilly snorted. “Poor Arthur, may as well have climbed into a coffin his damn self as close to death as you took him that day.”

“You two could make sitting on the pot a headline. I’ve just been taking things easy for the past few days. I’m still me.” you knew what she meant, but she’d essentially called you boring. For you, that was worse than the ugliest of vulgar insults that could be hurled at you.

“Girl you better stop lying like an old rug,” Tilly crossed her legs in a matter-of-fact way. “You miss your man, and that’s ok, but you can’t get down everytime things look dark for him. You’ll kill your spirit and not even realize it!”

You heard, rather than saw, her kick Karen under the table for attempting to peek at her cards.

“And I swear if you kill that crazy spirit of yours, and make laundry some horseshit chore again, I’ll murder you myself.”

“Hey!” Karen nearly lowered her cards out of indignation, recoiling at the last second. “I make laundry fun too. I make all the chores more fun.”

“You make us have to do them all over again the same day. The second time being set to Grimshaw’s fussing.”

“Fun!” Karen rocked the table with her boisterous laughter.

Tilly’s response was lost to you, because you were starting to focus more on what she’d said before. You didn’t think it had been that serious. You were fine with him accepting the job, just when it started to approach a month since having last seen or heard from him, it hit you in a way you hadn’t been expecting. You’d been fine when you two were just friends who flirted a little too much.

It was far past that now. Arthur was the first time you weren’t flirting and fucking for fun. The new territory excited you, and you’d went in head first, but this wasn’t a part you’d been informed of.

That being said, you had to admit Tilly’s statement struck you because there was some truth to it. It was a matter of when, not if, Arthur would get into another harrowing situation. You couldn’t lay around in bed, or half ass your way through the day, every time that happened. It wasn’t you, and replaying the last three days to yourself turned your stomach.

“Well Tilly, you went and broke her.” Karen snapped her fingers in your direction.

“Opposite actually.” you shook your head with a grin. “I fold.”

“Look at that hand!” Karen gestured to the cards you’d placed down. “You definitely broke her. Oh well, can’t be helped. Whaddya got?”

“Fold.” Tilly rolled her eyes.

Karen hooped loudly as she pulled all of the candy that made up the pot to her side of the table. “Thank you kindly ladies, I do so hope we do this again soon.”

“Yes ma’am, I intend to get my title back. Enjoy it for now.”

“So that means you’re back?” Tilly swatted at Karen’s teasing pokes and jeers of ‘loser!’.

“I told you I never left. Now I’m going to make a kite, who’s in?”

Both women exchanged looks of pure puzzlement, before turning those looks to you. Unlike most people you were comfortable with being looked at funny. It occured to you, that no one had looked at you that way in days without there being an air of sympathy behind it.

“How adventurous.” Karen replied sarcastically. “I think I’ll retire for the evening and enjoy my winnings instead.”

She not-so-quietly made her way back to her tent with an armful of sweets. Stopping every so often to inform a camp member she had beaten you at Poker.

“Don’t worry, when she’s drunk I’ll steal it all back.”

“It’s Karen, so by morning then?” you grinned while Tilly snickered into her palm.

“She’s right though. A kite? For you that’s pretty tame...unless you’re planning on jumping off the cliff here with it.” her widened eyes indicated she wasn’t joking about thinking you capable of that. “Tell me you’re not planning on jumpin off the cliff with it.”

“Of course not,” You said, though the thought was a fascinating one. “It’s only tame because you haven’t seen where I’m getting the material.”

----------

In a testament to your revelation the previous night, you were up before the camp even began to stir. You’d been up for most of the night with Tilly working on a complicated kite. You’d learned how in a caravan comprised mainly of Chinese men and women, and regaled Tilly with tales of their beautiful culture. The longer the conversation went on, the more the tense anxiety that’d filled your being lessened it’s grip. You were still worried, incredibly so in fact, but you weren’t going to let it take you out of character another minute.

You scribbled a quick note for Miss Grimshaw, knowing she’d be among the first to wake soon, and set out a little ways from camp. Finding a spot where the forest danced along the edges of plains, you tried recalling everything you’d been taught about catching the wind.

Such a seemingly simple activity could demand so much of your attention, that you might miss the sound of a horse’s light trot behind you. You might miss the softening gaze of a rugged cowboy once he spots you. You might even miss him dismounting and hitching his horse in favor of sitting back against the base of a tree to watch you.

“Beginning to think I’m never gonna come back to find you doing something normal. Like baking a cake...or cleaning a rifle. Anything else I suppose.”

You froze, your grip tightening on the fishing line you were using for a kite line. You turned carefully, mindful to not bring your hard work crashing to the ground. Arthur gave you a lopsided grin, and though you couldn’t see his eyes beneath his hat, you were sure his smile reached them. He didn’t look worse for wear that you could see, but you couldn’t be sure until he undressed. Just to look him over of course….

“Then you’re beginning to realize who you hitched your wagon to.” you finally found your voice, though it cracked under the pressure of euphoria. “Arthur Morgan I would both hug and slap you, if my magnum opus wasn’t at risk.”

He laughed, from deep in his chest. “My hats in the ring for first one.”

A quiet moment blossomed between the two of you as you readjusted to being in each other’s presence. It was beautiful to you, and better than any fantasy scene a novel could propose. You wondered if it was putting him at ease to be back around you the way it was for you.

“It wasn’t my intention to worry you my lady, things got crazy out there. Did my best to get back at a reasonable time.”

“Well I figured that, I wasn’t that worried.” you fingered the fishing line gently. You were suddenly embarrassed to tell him you’d moped, and defaulted to lying.

“You’re lucky you’re so damn beautiful, even when you lie.” he chuckled. His smugness let you know the camp had already told him everything.

“Ok, I missed you and I was worried. If you make fun, I’m leaving you on your own horse. She likes me better anyways.”

“Fair enough I think. I’d have to keep the winnings from the bet though.”

You knew immediately what he was talking about. You, unintentionally, provided many opportunities for the gang to make quick money off of your antics. You didn’t mind the audience, it amused you.

“What’s the bet this time?”

“Whether you can fly that thing or not.” he nodded up at the kite, that while lower than when he first got there, was still still sailing through the air. “I reckon some of them are gonna have to learn about betting against you the hard way. Like I did.”

You grinned, and ducked you head at the slight compliment. Arthur had a way of empowering you that you were sure he wasn’t even aware of most times. He swore he wasn’t a romantic, and to some degree he wasn’t, but in his own way he was better. Genuine.

“Well, you won. How are you gonna prove it?”

The sound of rustling caused you to turn halfway to face him again. He slid his camera out of his satchel and patted its top.

“I’ll be ok giving up the winnings to you if I can keep the picture.”

That was how Arthur Mogan obtained a photo of his sweetheart after he’d redenered her a bashful mess. Every other photo of you he had, drawn or otherwise, you were confident and radiant. This one felt different, and perhaps why it would go on to become his favorite.

“Now,” he carefully packed the camera back in his satchel. “You gonna keep putting that before your own feller? For shame Miss (L/N).”

“Jealous of a child’s plaything? That’s a new low Mister Morgan.”

Arthur made a noise of mock surprise. “Child’s plaything? Well what are you doing with it then? The things you’re capable of certainly are not childlike.”

Hard work be damned, you turned on your heel, yanking the kite down after you. In a swift, and for you, unsurprisingly graceful movement, you’d tackled the man to the ground. You laughed at his hearty grunt, eyes following the bouncing movement of his now dislodged hat. The kite came crashing down near you, but neither of you were too focused on it.

“Someone should shut you up Arthur Morgan.”

He shifted to allow you to fall into a more comfortable position on top of him. “If anyone’s gonna try I’d rather it be you.”

Up close, hat gone, you could see evidence of his journey. You gently ran the pad of your thumb over the bruise under his right eye. He closed his eyes, cheeks reddening under your loving gaze. Unspoken words traveled through touch instead. Your soft examination admitting you were worried, his gentle lean into you a form of apology.

You pressed your forehead to his own, and let your lips collide. Soft hands slid up his neck, over his stubble, and into his light locks. You shivered when you felt the combination of warmth and rough texture, that was his hands, grip your waist under your shirt. You felt him standing at attention, straining against the fabric of his pants. You gripped his shoulders to fight the urge to grind down on him.

He broke the kiss, and your lungs greedily took the opportunity for air. His lips roamed your neck with no particular destination in mind, simply trying to soak up the feel of your skin. Distracted by his mouth, you jumped feeling his hands travel beneath your skirt to grip your thighs. A dizzy laugh left you when he roughly lifted you up to remove your panties.

A mewl escaped you when his thumb carded through your folds. The tiny pricks of pain his stubble caused, juxtaposed against the soft touches to your heat, made you see in tunnel vision. You needed him.

“Ar-..Arthur…” you voice was a husky, broken whisper that indicated you were having trouble gathering your words.

Arthur understood. “Drawn out?”

He broke the kiss breathing harshly against your cheek. Your hips jumped after a particularly swift swipe over you.

“No,” you shook your head. “Been such a good girl since you’ve been gone. I won’t last long.”

His deep chuckle against your collarbone drew another moan from you because of the sound alone. “I have not been that well behaved, I must admit.” his lips split into a sheepish smile. “But it’s about the same for me too.”

His dirty admission drew a laugh from you. You began covering his face in kisses while you released him from the confines of his pants. “It’s fine.”

His hands captured your hips and carefully lined you up. You inhaled sharply once he was inside, overloaded by too many feelings. Arthur’s hands trembled, and you imagined it was the same for him too. He waited patiently, painfully, for a sign from you to move.

You rolled your hips once, and he went from there. The two of you worked out a rhythm and fell into it rather quickly. Your hands found purchase at the base of neck and held on tightly. Every night you two had been apart, the frustration of not knowing if he’d come back, the sheer loneliness neither of you could fix without the other. It all came out in the shared act.

You’d both been correct when you admitted you wouldn’t last long. You lost it first, having been more tightly wound, and you weren’t quiet about it. Your raw moans spurred Arthur on, and he drove you through the blinding heat coursing through your being. You cradled his head and whispered loving words of encouragement to push him to his own release. He dropped his forehead to your shoulder and bit down, as a fierce shudder ripped through his form. You rubbed his back and guided him through it.

A final kiss was shared between you two, one that spoke of a love growing between you two. It said there was plenty of space for it to fill, and that was something you both wanted. He cupped your face, about to speak, when something caught his eye.

“Did you use one of Dutch’s silk shirts for your kite?”

---------------

The two of you walked rather than rode back to camp, and it was filled with effortless conversation and teasing. You came so close to blurting out that you loved him, but bit it down every time. You’d never had anyone in your life to say that to, and weren’t sure if it was too soon. You weren’t too sure about Arthur, but it terrified you to think about sending the words out there only to have them hang alone.

“We should go to the lake.” you commented as the camp came into view.

“To bathe.” you emphasized when you saw his wolfish grin.

“I’ll meet you there, Miss Grimshaw wanted to see me. Sounded pretty important, but I wanted to see you first.”

“Flattery may change your luck.” you winked at him and headed for your tent to grab your bathing kit.

Arthur never met you at the lake, and you went forward with bathing, figuring he’d fallen asleep. Possibly one of the cold souls you now called family had roped him into an errand. Either way, he was making it up to you later.

The first thing you heard when you got back to camp was the distinct sound of an annoyed Miss Grimshaw, and a firm toned Dutch, coming from the direction of Arthur’s tent.

“Let the boy make his own decisions Miss Grimshaw.”

“Boy is exactly right!” Grimshaw’s hands shot up as if to ask ‘why her’. “Only a  boy could make such a foolish decision. You don’t line up for a second helping of disrespect with a side of humiliation Arthur. It ain’t right….she ain’t-”

The others in the camp pretended to be busy, but kept a decent distance away. You frowned and sped up your pace.

“A man has to learn on his own,” Dutch shook his head in Grimshaw’s direction. “You can’t make this choice for him. Accept that.”

Arthur, meanwhile, hadn’t said anything. He simply continued his task which, as you got closer, you discovered to be packing.

“What’s going on?” you walked past Dutch and Grimshaw, straight for Arthur himself.

You felt the heat of numerous gazes on your back, but you stayed focused on the only one you needed to see at that moment. Arthur hands slowed, enough to see the tremble, but not enough to stop his task.

“Where are you going?” you asked, your tone carrying more edge than you wished had escaped.

“I gotta go into Valentine on some business. I’ll be back in a day or so.” he still hadn’t met your gaze which started to upset you.

“Tell her where you’re going Arthur. The girl deserves that much. She’s so sweet on you she nearly rotted thinking something bad had happened to you.” Miss Grimshaw crossed her arms, eyes locked on Arthur’s tense form.

“Grimshaw!” Dutch barked taking her by the arm to lead her away. “Leave.It.Alone.”

Whatever she said in protest was lost to you. Everything else may as well have fallen off the face of the earth for all you cared at the moment. Every perceptive instinct you’d honed in your nomadic life was screaming so many possibilities at you, that you almost shook Arthur to demand an answer simply to make them stop.

Instead, you reached for his hand and grasped it. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me.”

Arthur pulled away from your touch, still refusing to meet your gaze. “I believe I did tell you, business.”

“I’ve robbed coaches with you, setup hold ups, spied for information. What kind of business can’t you say all of a sudden?”

“The kind I don’t have time to get into right now. I’ll explain when I get back.” he placed a few small supplies into his satchel, carefully fitting his journal in after them.

“So you were just gonna...just gonna leave and not tell me? What the hell is that Arthur Morgan?” you snapped, stubbornly blocking him from going for his clothes chest by sitting on it.

“I wouldn’t have done that to you.” he lifted you from the chest with ease, ignoring your cry of indignation.

He got a few articles of clothing while you cycled through what to say. You had so many questions and he was moving so quickly. By the time you figured out what you wanted to say, he was already moving towards his horse.

“I’ll go with you,” you jogged to keep up with his pace.

You expected him to snap at you, with how tightly he was wound up, but you didn’t care. You weren’t afraid of him, he couldn’t brush aside your concerns so easily.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to you. “(Y/N). I’ll be back, I promise. I’ll tell you everything then, just let me handle this on my own.”

One hand cupped your neck, while the other gently grasped your cheek. You leaned into his touch and nodded. You would trust him, and pray he didn’t give you a reason not to.

[humiliated-faggot]

First Trip with my mistress to Glory Hole.

Ok,so you guys have all heard the one in a million story about how some guy took his X-rated film star wife to one of these places and how she openly fucked and sucked every cock pushed her way. It happens every 1000 years or so.

The real truth is these places are disgusting. A guy bent over to pick up a 20 he dropped and a huge load of semen leaked out his ass onto to the floor and my Mistress smiling brightly, beaming actually, said I am going to count down quickly from 7.

She said during that time you are going to fall prostrate to the floor, and attack that so voraciously with your tongue it’s completely gone.

Wait! 76543210,up. And it was gone.

She was jumping up and down, happy as a cute little blond brat could be. We celebrated her 19th a month before. And the best part was when I got to my feet she said “ now that was really nasty. I mean I know we agreed you gave me $75 for super nasty but OMG! That was really nasty. Pay me $100 and thank me. Thank you Princess as I handed her $100.

Then she started fumbling in her purse. I had no ideas what to think, different sizes straws, some cut at an angle some not. I asked her what they were for and she said : “there aren’t to many guys here but there is a lot of cum in the corners of the booth and you are a jizz addicted faggot loser correct? Yes Goddsess. She said we have to make more money. I do like the 2018 series 7 BMW you got me for my birthday but my friend got the 2018 8 series and I want the 2019. I said let’s go then I have the money there is no reason to do this. “She said you ever watch that like Navy Seal stuff and shit? It’s not about the cars. It’s about what you will do to give me the car.

Here, I want you to go from booth to booth and each time you’ve snorted enough cum so your mouth is completely full, show me and swallow. Our goals is 100 loads and you will pay me exactly $1000 when we think you’ve snorted and swallowed 100.

It was so nasty. I had never been humiliated that bad. She finally got me a short fat stinking trucker to blow. I was eating his fat nasty ass when I looked up and saw 20 people in the theatre watching me do it. I looked and thought look at all those gross nasty creeps watching me do this.

And she had read my mind. “Yes, worthless faggot, these are the ugliest creepiest men I’ve ever seen.” “But you snorted and swallowed all those loads. Up your nose. You are the yuckiest and grossest piece of shit ever. I hate you. No one has ever loved you. Ever. Ewww.....I can’t even look at you you are so gross. And she didn’t look at me or even talk to me again for two weeks so as to drive the point home.

We got out to my car, she told me to lay down on some grass so I could lick her shoes clean. As I was just about to a good 10-15 guys stepped out behind a wall with their dicks out as she stepped into her new car and I tried not to ruin mine getting in.

I got home and said, “fuck her, I will never let her humiliate me again.” 17 days later she called, laughed, and said how much fun she had that night and how she had never made $1200 in 2 hrs before. 10 pm sharp. I pulled up at 9:59 and called her at 10. She made me beg to be allowed to doing it again. She said we’d have more fun.

See, apparently straight guys go that don’t want their dicks in some nasty homes mouth. But if I kind of rub on them, say dirty things, and let them see a little tits and legs these Dixie cups might fill right up. And I had to chug them. 50 of them.

She said you think you hit rock bottom night? Lol. You’ve got on a bright headlight on (figuratively speaking) and you arent even nearing rock bottom. This will be normal in a couple months “you sick fuck.” You are an experiment of ours. We want to see how sick we can make you.

I get off hearing how completely worthless and unlovable I am. I will keep the content coming. Stayed tuned. We are barely warmed up.

[kwangcvlt]

Gross Chapter 8

Pairing: Kaisoo WARNINGS: Depression and Eating Disorders

Summary:  “Kyungsoo knows he’s gross, he knows he’s disgusting, but here he is, in love with the most perfect man, he thinks, has ever existed.”

Masterlist AFF Ao3

Kyungsoo awoke to the burning sensation of hunger. He turned in bed, his body sore, aching as he moved. Although he’d slept for almost nine hours fatigued still overcame him. He changed his focus onto the heat of Jongin’s firm arms as he laid snug in the taller’s arms. He looked up at Jongin’s sleeping face, he looked so peaceful, so content. How he could ever spare a look at Kyungsoo was a mystery to him but he gladly embraced it. Kyungsoo could tell by the increased movements outside that it would soon be time for the two of them to leave the safety and isolation of their shared room and see the rest of the members. Kyungsoo had to face reality, sit in the room with the 10 other boys and face whatever reaction they may have. They would most likely be disgusted. Not with the fact that they were both men but with the fact that Kyungsoo, the ugliest member, had somehow managed to win over Jongin, the most attractive member. He could picture the look on their faces now. It would probably be the breaking point for them, the point in which they all unanimously decided Kyungsoo should leave the group. To finally allow EXO to rise to its full potential without him pulling it down. Kyungsoo buried himself in Jongin’s chest, ignoring, or at least trying to ignore, the current situation as it hurried towards him. He felt Jongin stir into consciousness beside him. He yawned, tightening his grip around Kyungsoo. “Morning,” he whispered, his voice rough from sleep. “How long have you been awake.” Kyungsoo wrapped his own arms around Jongin, “Just a few minutes, don’t worry.” Jongin hummed in response, pressing a delicate kiss to the top of Kyungsoo’s head before laying his chin atop it, “If only I’d woken up sooner.” Kyungsoo moved away, looking up at him in confusion, “Why?” Jongin smirked, “Then we could’ve had a bit of a repeat of last night.” Kyungsoo blushed violently, “Jongin,” he whined. He chuckled, pressing a quick peck to Kyungsoo’s lips, “Let’s get ready, ok?” Kyungsoo shook his head, pouting, “Can’t we stay in bed a bit longer?” Jongin sighed, “When you look at me like that I can’t say no.” He tightened his hold around Kyungsoo once more, making him smile contently. He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to leave Jongin’s arms and look at himself in the mirror again, he didn’t want to see all his flaws that stood out so completely. To further remind himself of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be in the position he was currently in. To find some new reason to hate himself, a new thing to be worried that Jongin will possibly notice. Kyungsoo tightened his grip. He couldn’t lose Jongin, not when they just started. He couldn’t let him see how flawed, how utterly gross he was. He had to move forward, he had to keep pushing himself to something even remotely close to perfection. “Kyungsoo, Jongin!” he heard Junmyeon call, “Hurry up and come eat!” Jongin sighed, “Why do all good things have to come to an end?” Kyungsoo chuckled lightly. “Soo,” he spoke softly, making the smaller look up to meet his gaze. He gave Jongin a questioning look. “I love you.” Kyungsoo blushed, “I love you too.” he whispered before Jongin once again capture his lips with his own.

After quickly getting dressed Kyungsoo followed Jongin out of the safety and comfort of their shared room into the uncertainty of the dorm. He held his breath as they entered the kitchen, the other 10 members sat in their seats already starting on their meal, few looked up at them. “Ah look who it is,” Baekhyun teased. Kyungsoo tensed at the acknowledgment of their presence preparing himself for the words that would follow. “I’m glad you guys finally fucked, don’t get me wrong, but next time Jongin, please don’t make Kyungsoo moan so loud. My room is right next to your’s and I could hear everything” “My room is two doors down and I could hear everything,” Jongdae added. Kyungsoo and Jongin blushed. “Thank god they finally got it on though,” Luhan spoke in between bites of food, “I was getting tired of them being so painfully oblivious.” “You got that right,” Jongdae sighed, “I was going to scream if I had to watch Jongin eye fuck Kyungsoo when he wasn’t looking every single time he wore shorts to dance practice.” Jongin scratched the back of his neck, “Can you really blame me though? Have you seen Kyungsoo’s thighs?” Kyungsoo buried his face into his hands in a desperate effort to shield himself. Kris laughed, “No, not really. Can you guys hurry up and sit down though? Having you two be the only ones standing makes me anxious.” Jongin nodded chuckling before grabbing hold of Kyungsoo’s hand, dragging him to the table then promptly sitting him down in the seat next to his own, two rice bowls already set in place before them. “Since you weren’t doing so good yesterday during practice make sure you eat a lot today, Soo” Jongin smiled sweetly at him, making his heart jump in his chest. He looked down at the bowl of rice in front of him, his eyes steadily moving to the rest of the food laid out on the table. He felt his blood run cold. He couldn’t avoid it, all the members were watching him, he had no excuse to eat, they knew he hadn’t after practice if he didn’t now they’d know something was off. Kyungsoo slowly lifted his chopsticks, bringing the rice to his mouth at a desperately slow rate. He took a bite stifling the urge to immediately spit it back out. He chewed at a lethargic pace, swallowing only after the rice had turned into a tasteless paste inside his mouth. He reluctantly picked up another bite. He could feel the rice travel down his throat into his stomach, being turned into fat, setting him back in progress. He hated this. Not just having to eat but having to eat in front of the boys, allowing them to see him for the pig he is. “Soo,” Yixing called for his attention softly, “Are you still not feeling well?” Kyungsoo shook his head, “No, I’m fine.” That was a lie but no one needed to know the truth. “Are you sure? You’ve only eaten one bite in the last three minutes.” Kyungsoo could feel his hands start to shake nervously. He put his chopsticks down, clasping both hands under the table in an attempt to end their constant movement. Kyungsoo forced a laugh, “I’m just not hungry that’s all.” The boys turned to look at him, confused with an underlying suspicion, “But you barely ate anything yesterday…” Yixing remarked. He tightened the grip on his hands, smiling, “My appetite has been fairly small recently.” “Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon spoke, laying his chopsticks back on the table, “You’ve been eating right?” Kyungsoo looked at him, hesitantly meeting the leader’s eyes, “What are you talking about?” he asked cautiously. “Kyungsoo,” Jongin jumped in, voice firm in worry, “Have you been starving yourself?” He turned to look at the boy next to him, “No,” he lied, relieved at the steadiness of his own voice, “I just haven’t been very hungry lately.” “People who aren’t very hungry don’t just pass out Soo.” Jongin countered. Kyungsoo looked around the table, all eyes were on him. He could feel their stares burn through him to his core, they couldn’t figure it out, they couldn’t. They’d be even more disgusted with him than they already were, Jongin would be disgusted. He would finally look at Kyungsoo in the way he’d only had nightmares about. Tears welled in his eyes, he was cornered, there was nowhere to go as his fellow members followed his every movement with steady, firm eyes. He didn’t know what to do, he was stuck, vulnerable in the sudden attack waged against him. This was it, this was how it all ended. They would find out and he’d be kicked from the group, or worse he’d stay having to deal with the admonishment and constant hatred of the members as they regretted debuting with someone so screwed up. Tears ran rapidly down Kyungsoo’s cheeks, “I’m sorry,” he croaked. Jongin’s eyes turned downward in worry, face falling soft, “Soo, what are you sorry for?” Kyungsoo wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, the salty taste of tears staining his lips, “I know I’m ugly, I just,” he hiccuped, “I just.” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. To say he only wanted to no longer bring the group down. That he just wanted to be attractive so when he looked at pictures of the 12 of them together he wouldn’t immediately stand out as the one who didn’t fit. That he could finally make the fans happy and maybe, just maybe, he could gain new fans as the rest of them did. But he didn’t say that he kept quiet, words refusing to leave his mouth, only small hiccuping sounds. Jongin grabbed both of his shoulders, pulling the small boy into his chest, “Soo, I’m so sorry.” He was crying too. “I’m so sorry, I should have noticed, I’m such an idiot, I’m so sorry.” Kyungsoo’s heart constricted in pain, heavy with guilt. It wasn’t Jongin’s fault, it was his own for being born so far from perfect, for being a failure of a human being but he yet again found himself unable to speak. “Soo,” he heard Junmyeon speak softly from behind him, ‘“You have nothing to be sorry about, you’re sick and we’re going to get you help, I promise.”