#ok so this is like a weird post but like im a broken kitten and idk if ive ever so genuinely said this before

[nyancrimew]

im happy :) ive been so happy lately :3

[moonlight-moogle]

BTS as Daddies

warnings: dd/lg, slight sexual themes.

Kim Namjoon/RM

ok first thing first

WE ALL KNOW THIS BOI HAS A DADDY KINK

like excUSE ME

king daddy™

anygay

I think Namjoon would be a semi-strict daddy

have a list of rules you have to follow

and lord knows if you break them you’re gonna get punished

Namjoon values trust and would feel as a daddy it's his job to punish you, if he didn’t, he’d feel like he had broken your trust a little

he has great self-control

the minute you use your safe word, he’s already getting you cleaned up and the bath’s already running and he is ready for snuggles

cuz don’t get me wrong

Namjoon isn’t all rules

he would be the biggest cuddle bug.

loves to have you sit on his lap

plays with your hair all the time

kisses your temple a lot cuz he’s tol

low key high key whipped for you

constantly checking up on you to see if you’re okay, even if its just a hand on your shoulder

he’s so patient with you

never raises his voice

prolly calls you ‘little one’

reads you bedtime stories

I'm sorry I'm just

uwu

in conclusion

Namjoon is a very good daddy. you are in safe hands, little one

Kim Seokjin/Jin

Kim Seokjin

where do I start with this boi

I picture him as a very soft daddy

kinda protective

like if anyone ever were to judge you for being a little and living the life you lead...

boi he’d be ready to throw hands

not really

Jin takes shit from no-one and would know when to cut people out

he’s a shady bitch

if someone judged his little girl/boy for being their cute innocent self, it’s their loss for not seeing how wonderful they are

thinks the world is too cruel for your little heart 

is afraid people will judge you so prefers if you keep little space in the home

knows from looking at you when you’re in little space

calls you something cute like ‘little puff’

showers you with kisses

constantly taking pictures of you

lives for his time with you

you want daddy to dress as a prince?

done

you want to play tea party?

daddy will bake cupcakes

hates to see you cry

literally swOOPS you up in his arms if you ever hurt yourself and cry

tuts at you and calls you silly when you have a tantrum

less strict than Namjoon

only a few basic rules 

“no swearing” and stuff

less enthusiastic about punishments

most you’ll get in terms of physical punishment is spanking

and that’s if you’ve been really bad

Jin opts more for timeouts and no TV time

occasionally will opt for orgasm denial if he’s feeling particularly satanic

best in the game at aftercare.

has set treats, candles, bubble bath, blankets, stuffies, pacifiers - ANYTHING his baby needs

I'm realizing only two members in that this is gonna make so soft uwu

Min Yoongi/Suga

this boi is my bias so um

strap in

I think Yoongi would be more like Namjoon in terms of how daddy he is

he’s highkey whipped for you

doesn’t show it in public

prefers to spoil you with the gummy smiles in private

definition of patient

you could be having the mother of all bitchfits, screaming bloody murder and this boy would sit there and watch until you’ve tired yourself out 

just sighs “are you done, kitten?” and wipes the tears from your face

yes he calls you kitten

he always makes time for you, no matter how tired he is

lives for naps with you

loves it when you curl yourself into him

buries his face into your hair because he loves your smell

rests his hand on your neck 

he doesn’t mind bringing you outside when you’re little as long as your hand stays locked in his

kisses your forehead cuz it makes him feel taller

he’s more laidback than Namjoon in term of rules but will go all the way with punishment if he needs to

owns a remote control vibrator 

boy don't play around

will buy you the cutest onesies and pacifiers

lives for that cute smile on your face when he puts it on you

I'm just imagining him smiling with his whole mouth at you

then kneeling down and taking the pacifier out of your mouth to kiss you

 U W U

watches Disney movies with you

loves it when you straddle his lap and lay across his chest so he can wrap his arms around you 

you’re literally the only person he’ll allow in his studio with him.

the walls and desks are littered with little drawings that you do for him while you’re with him

speaks more with actions than words

little fleeting touches to check your okay

such a sweetheart during aftercare

has you sit between his legs and massages your arms

hums to you softly and plays with your hair

makes you feel like you re the only thing in the world that has ever mattered to him

cuz sometimes he believes that

Jung Hoseok/J-Hope

OK SO

I think everyone knows that Hobi is quite literally a ball of sunshine

this reflects a lot into his daddy-ness

his little will never 

repeat

NEVER

be bored

almost Yoongi level sugar daddy 

actually, screw that he’s probably more of a sugar daddy

you literally have any toy you want

half your wardrobe is all supreme and bucket hats cuz he likes it when his baby dresses like their daddy

dances with you all the time

this boy has so much energy oh my god

he’d love to bring you to the park and push you on the swings

shows you off to everyone

especially bangtan

fairly laid back

doesn’t like having a lot of rules cuz he just wants you to live

can be stern if he needs to be tho

punishments are probably limited like Jin’s

timeouts are as painful for him as they are for you cuz he just wants to hug you

this boy would very sadistic in the bedroom

did I hear

edging??

perhaps some orgasm denial?

overstimulation

high key satan

really hates to raise his voice at you

has had a few slip ups here and there when you’ve been particularly difficult

rights his wrongs almost immediately

definitely is not above saying sorry just cause of the power a daddy has

daddy/little relationships are all about trust, communication, and understanding that everyone is equal

Hobi would value these immensely 

Hobi seems like the type of person that if you were to bring up littles to him, he might think it was weird at first

but then he’d see how happy it would make you

and he’d be whipped

I picture Yoongi and Namjoon as naturals at being a daddy

I feel Jin and Hobi would have to learn 

the fact that you put that much trust in them would melt their heart

Hobi would strive to be the best daddy you could ever ask for

you best believe this boy would braid your hair.

kiss your cheek and giggle into your skin like a lovesick fool

calls you his little angel or ‘cherub’

the type to make you chocolate chip pancakes for aftercare

Hobi would never really have considered being a daddy until he met you

and lord is he thankful he did

you are quite literally the moon, sun, and stars to that boy

frick im soft

Park Jimin

ok

so

this boy is my ultimate bias wrecker so 

strap

the fuck

in

THIS BOI

IS

THE SOFTEST BOI

whipped™

buys you pretty clothes and takes Polaroid pictures of you to keep in his wallet

you’re his phone background and his desktop background

gives!you!so!much!praise!

calls you his doll

literally just doesn’t say your name

just calls you by complimenting you

“gorgeous, come over here.”

“how are you, pretty?”

is so soft for you

kisses your nose and pinches your cheeks

thinks you’re so cute he could eat you like a muffin

playfully nibbles on your skin to hear you giggle

sits with you and lets you braid his hair 

loves!to!see!you!in!stockings!

spins you around when you dance to hear you scream laugh

you literally make him cry from laughter

he has rules for you but not as much as Joon.

has been known to get quite frustrated with you if you have tantrums

Jimin has quite the temper on him and does slip up and yell when he’s stressed sometimes

almost immediately regrets it and feels so bad

god forbid if he makes you cry

literally would never let go of you

c u d d l e s

punishments are like a mix between Hobi and Jin’s

he’ll have no problem putting you in time out if you’re being a little shit

he will use punishments like orgasm denial and edging but he wouldn’t be as satanic as Hobi and Yoongi to use overstimulation

the softest thing in aftercare

cleans you up, puts on your favorite movie and cuddles you in bed

gives you stuffies and a pacifier and kisses your forehead

watches you fall asleep to make sure that you’re okay

will check up on you for days afterward

I literally had to stop like three times writing this part cuz of all my uwus

Kim Taehyung/V

my fuckin boi

ok

so

Kim Taehyung

is a literal puppy

so playful

you are literally this boys entire world

brings you outside to take aesthetic candid shots of you he later posts on Instagram

a lot of them are pictures of you with Yeontan

or in pink frilly outfits, he bought for you

calls you his precious little babygirl/boy

puts flowers in your hair

loves when you wear his clothes

literally will purposefully give them to you to wear around the house

brings you for drives - usually to go get ice cream

sings to you ALL THE TIME 

does that cute thing where he laughs and claps his hands when you sing with him

gets really into it so he’s dancing around the kitchen, belting out Disney bops with a whisk in his hand

your lips are his favorite thing

but has a kink for kissing your hands

just loves to have your hand in his

Tae is literally the most understanding, caring person so if he ever felt the need to punish you for breaking rules he’d have like a proper talk with you about it

“why didn’t you listen to daddy, precious?”

would always be worried that he had done something wrong

it’s his life goal to make you happy

would never raise his voice but he does get frustrated if you’re misbehaving and he doesn't know what to do

Tae!would!be!so!into!begging!

literally, if he was ever punishing you he would make you beg and scream for so long before he let you cum.

might not even let you cum if he’s feeling particularly sadistic

if it’s too much for you, he’s so soft with aftercare

makes you hot chocolate, lays you across his chest and sings you to sleep

will remind you of how much he truly adores you and how good you are

he sings your praises to the rooftops

plays with your hair and rubs your hips

wakes you up in the morning to cuddles and TV

aftercare is one of his favorite things

he’s honestly so content being a daddy

you are literally the most precious thing in the worl to him

once again

U W U

Jeon Jungkook

this boi ruins me holy hell

I feel like at first, Kookie would be slightly out of his comfort zone knowing that he has to care for someone

yano

cuz he da maknae

everyone babies him

but after a while, I think he’d really enjoy the change

you’re his princess/prince

and you rule his house

you are spoiled, let me tell you

we all know that this boy strong

he would carry you everywhere in the house

he’s gotten used to the constant cries of “daddy, up!” when he’s in a room

loves to cook for you

has you sit on the counter with him while he makes dinner

you’re his little assistant chef

sneaks little nose kisses between giggles

loves to kiss your shoulders and your neck

sits with you at the table and colors

always puts yours on the fridge

bounces you on his lap all the time

gave you a bunny plushie to remind you of him

needless to say, it's your favorite

gets frustrated quite easily if you’re being difficult

timeouts are his punishment of choice

usually leaves you there for five minutes

always comes over and kneels down to you

makes sure you say that you’re sorry and then scoops you up in his arms for cuddles

isn’t fond of orgasm denial

prefers overstimulation

this boi top of his game on this

carries you to the bath for aftercare

is so kind and gentle when he takes care of you

dresses you in the softest PJ’s

literally carries you around and bounces you gently in his arms

gets you a bottle and lays in bed with you

loves your butt

taps it gently to help you sleep

sings to you 

you are literally his favorite thing

in the world

I AM

SO SOFT

AHH

[saviormysticmeme]

ummmm..... I LOOOVE YOUR WORK （≧∇≦） YOU ARE SERIOUSLY SUPER TALENTED! Are YOU A GENIUS???? Sorry for caps...（´-`）If you don't mind, may I request an hc about the RFA + minor trio mistaking mc's twin for mc? Maybe they see her twin with another guy, so they ask mc about it or something... I just love love love your writtiiinngg~~~ I can write whole page! It's all so good that I they're all my favorite! (´Д` ) Sorry if its unclear/bad grammar... Bye（・◇・）/~~~

RFA + MTrio React to Mistaking CM for MC

Omg pls you guys are feeding my ego so muchAnd don’t worry about your grammar!! Grammar is the hardest part of any language, I cry when I speak anything other than English cause “How do say this” 

Ok anyways

Some of these are going to be those totally cliché “Secret Twin” scenarios that are kind of angsty but I’m gonna try some more lighthearted ones too because I feel like the “I SAW YOU WITH ANOTHER MAN IM LEAVING YOU!!!1!1!” “Babe thats my twin” scenarios have been used quite a bit and I don’t want to pump out something that’s already out here

If you decide you want those scenarios instead though then let me know! Because if you just happen to reallllly like that specific case then I’ll do a short drabble focusing on that

Also sorry in advance for the Choi twin ones, I just feel like they would know about MC’s twin and I the writing for them isn’t up to par with the others but I didn’t want to postpone posting for much longer because of it.

Ok I talk too much lets go

Yoosung:

He’s walking by a cafe near campus when he sees you sitting across from another guy

He stops dead in the side walk and stares in the window

At first he thought you were maybe just..discussing something? With some guy? Who you never told him about…?

No he didn’t think that at all his brain went straight to the worst but he couldn’t bare to think it so he came up with every excuse in the book.

MC’s a spy and they have to kill this guy

He’s a new RFA recruit???

He’s a dealer and MC’s buying drugs

MC is secretly a vampire and just trying to eat this guy

Every thought bubble he had was popped when you leaned over the table and planted a kiss on the mans cheek

Yoosung heard his heart-

rrrng rrrrng rrrrng rrrng

He was going to say breaking but apparently his heart rings when broken?

He looked at his phone and your Caller ID was up

“Huh?” He looked from his phone to the window, where ‘you’ were still sitting and talking with the strange man

He answers the phone, voice a little shakey “H-Hello?”

“Yoosung? Hey! Sorry to call but on your way home can you grab soup. I’m feeling like soup for dinner tonight.”

….

“Yoosung?”

“MC…how are you doing this?”

“…Doing what Yoosung?”

“Are you a vantrilaquist?”

“Yoosung pls just what the fuck are you talking about”

“I’m staring at you through a window having coffee with another man…but you’re on the phone with me.”

“1. Yoosung that’s creepy that you’re staring at two strangers 2…”

His phone beeped and he looked down to see you sent him a picture of you sitting on the couch with a controller in hand, soda on the table, blankly staring at the camera.

He snapped a picture of the ‘you’ in the window and sent it back

“Yoosung that’s my sister and her boyfriend you egg”

“Your sister???? What???”

“I told you I had a sister!”

“NOT THAT YOU GUYS WERE TWINS”

“I assumed when you met her you’d be with me…not that this would happen. This is some TV style mess.” You chuckled, feeling a little guilty. Reflecting on it, you probably would have been upset too if you thought a look a like Yoosung was putting the moves on someone else “So……soup?”

“Yeah babe of course, what do you want?”

Jaehee

She was at the cafe making -cue Savior Meme going and making a post about Jaehee owning a musical theatre instead- a new brew when you walked in

She sees you and casts a warm smile and a “Hey Honey”

The person Jaehee thought to be MC cocks their head, slightly confused, but brushes it off as Jaehee being a very friendly Barista

The copy cat you stands at the counter, waiting about a minute before Jaehee realizes their presence at the spot

“Dear, what are you doing?”

The customer furrows their brows and responds slowly, somewhat confused “Ordering coffee…”

Jaehee chuckles, amused at you playing customer. She just shakes her head and walks over to the register

“Alright, what’ll you have?”

“I’ll have an iced Mocha with extra cream no sugar.”

Jaehee scribbles it on a cup and gets to work making the drink “Weird choice for you. Didn’t think you were a fan of  mocha, you always seem to prefer vanilla”

“I do?” 

“Yes silly, you always ask for French vanilla flavoring.”

“I ne-” Before your clone can respond though, Jaehee has finished up the drink and handing it over

As ‘You’ take the drink, Jaehee leans over the counter and plops a quick kiss on your cheek

‘You’ are frozen on the spot

Jaehee opens her eyes to see why you’re suddenly so frigid towards her, but when she opens them she can’t help but glance behind you and see…YOU??

“MC?” Jaehee jumped back looking between you and your look a like.

“MC?” Your twin turns to you, face still flushed from their sudden kiss. “Is this the surprise you had for me??? A super friendly barista??”

“Surprise???” Jaehee exclaimed, still looking between the two of you. “Wait you’re not MC???”

Finally you stepped in to clear the confusion

“Jaehee! This is my twin …. CM. CM, this is my new Cafe that I run with my girlfriend!”

“Girl..friend.” CM turns to look at Jaehee, at the same time the two of them realize everything that just happened concerning the confusion.

“I am so so so so so so so so so sorry” Jaehee can not stop apologizing no matter how many times CM says it’s ok.

Zen

It was  opening night for his new show

He was pumped

Sure because of the show, but also because you had shot him a text earlier that day that you were going to bring your sibling. 

Zen had yet to meet anyone in your family, so he was excited that you were going to start introducing him to them. It showed how ready you were to spend your life with him and that just made him giddy.

So after the show was over he couldn’t wait to find you

He scanned the crowd and eventually spotted you in the crowd with a bouquet of roses

MC is so sweet he hummed to himself

That was his sole moment of calmness before the storm

He watched as his coworker walked up to you and started chatting you up. Zen was on the other side of the auditorium, trying to push his way through the flock of people set on congratulating him, so he couldn’t run to your rescue as fast as he liked.

He was frustrated but he knew you could handle yourself

At least that’s what he thought until his fellow actor’s hand found it’s way to your hand, where the thumb gently brushed back and forth. 

Zen’s face turned red, and the shade only grew deeper when he saw his douche bag scene mate’s mouth turn into a cocky looking smirk.

He found superhuman speed and agility to push through the crowd and end up right behind you, where he wrapped his arms around you tightly and pressed a long kiss to your cheek

“Honey, there you are.” Zen sounded so sweet while his blazing red eyes stared daggers into the green ones of his coworker.

“Zen? This is your girlfriend?”

“Yes, this is my girlfriend MC.” Zen squinted at the guy. How dare he pretend not to know, Zen only pointed out MC every time she came to a show. Every time she picked him up from rehearsal. Every time-

“You said your name was CM” The Actor turned a confused stare to the person in Zen’s arms

“I-” They tried to say but

“CM?” Zen questioned, he spun them around only to realize “You’re not MC.”

“No I’m” Cm tried to say

“Zen!” You interjected as you ran over to the 3. “Sorry, I had to run to the bathroom. CM thanks for holding the flowers. Speaking of which, Zen I see you’ve met my twin”

Zen’s face turned bright red with blush this time

He turned to his fellow actor and CM and started apologizing profusely 

Jumin

He knew you had a brother….or…a sister? …or both?

He lied he had no clue, he just knew you had some sort of sibling.

He was unaware it was a twin

A twin who worked as an assistant for a company but was looking to switch, so when they saw C&R was hiring a new chief assistant, they threw an application in

So here is Jumin, just sorting through some applications when he sees

“CM PlayerPants” 

He smirks at the paper, seeing all the information filled out is yours. Your home address, the general store you lived near, your school, graduation, etc.

Your picture was even you, just you in a suit and looking very hot professional

Now lets face it you and Jumin did some kinky shit sometimes

Sometimes your love life together involved role playing

Jumin was surprised at how much effort you put into this, but he wasn’t going to spoil it. 

He types in the phone number, it’s not your usual cell number, what did you get a prepaid phone just for this?

He was in awe with your dedication

Rrrng rrrng rrrng

“Hello?” Your voice answered

He couldn’t hide the smirk on his face “Hello there, Kitten.”

“I-I’m sorry?”

“Oh my bad” He corrected himself “Hello there, Ms. Playerpants. This is Jumin Han from C&R calling about your application”

“Oh! Uh, Hello! Yes, what can I do for you? Does it need any clarification?”

“Oh no no no, I think I read you loud and clear.” He lazily flipped through the pages of the resume in front of him

“Oh..ok. Is this about the position then?”

“Yes” A smirk found it’s way to his lips “Speaking of which, what is your favorite position?”

“Excuse me? I don’t think I understand?” The voice on the end was clearly taken aback. Damn, you were making him work for this.

“Well I figured I’d give you a say in the matter tonight since you put sooo much work into this. So Kitten, tell me, what would you like to do tonight? Maybe I’ll buy some toys on the way home an-”

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????” Click.

Jumin just stared at the phone confused. He shrugged it off because his desk phone went off, and when he answered it was his father calling him to a meeting. Jumin resolved to just handle whatever happened with you when he got home

After a long work day he came in the door to see you waiting for him. “Hello Kitten.”

“Hey Babe, how was work?”

“Good, aside from this strange phone call I made today” A small grin on his face

“Oh?” You cocked an eyebrow.

“Yes,” He purred as he walked over and started rubbing your shoulders “I thought I had found a new assistant”

“OH!” You exclaim, jumping up and remembering something “I forgot to tell you this morning! My twin is applying for the chief assistant job, it completely slipped my mind.”

“Your…twin?” Jumin cocked his brows now

“Yes! CM!”

“C….M” Jumin was quick to catch on to his mistake “Oh my god”

Seven

Lets face it

You guys may be sick of hearing this but 

He knew

Of course he knew

He stalked the ever-loving-shit out of you

He saw photos of the two of you together

He insists on you and your twin joining him and Saeran out for lunch all the time

You guys have the certified Twin Club in his brain

The 4 of you spend so much time together Seven can tell the slight difference between your hair and your twins. How your twin is about a centimeter taller. Your eyes are a little more wide.  He knows. 

Which is why he isn’t caught off guard when your twin and you show up in the same room

He’s not confused when he sees CM out kissing someone 

He knows

He loves it

#TwinSquad

V

His eyesight is so bad he has mini heart attacks once a week thinking he sees you out in public holding hands with someone else

Over time he stops freaking out, he starts to recognize you easier, which means he can play ‘Spot the Blurry Difference’ a little better when you two aren’t together

Until one day he’s on set doing a photo shoot for a Modeling company that requested his help

And he sees…MC? With a headset on ordering some people around to do this and that.

The voice is the same. He knows MC’s voice damn well. 

And that is MC

“MC..” V quietly calls out but with no answer.

‘MC’ Disappears into the crowd of models

What the fuck. How could you not tell him? He was a little hurt you never shared your work life with him. Was this where you were when the two of you weren’t together? Did you think he wouldn’t be impressed because he usually focuses on more artsy photography??? Did he say something??? MC please why don’t you love hi-

“Hey Hun!” 

MC!? V whirled around to see you, but you were talking to one of the models, very flirtatiously he may add. Your hand on their arm and a sweet, sweet smile on your face as you looked at them. He could see that much.

He felt his heart break a bit, how could you pretend not to even see him?

No. No this couldn’t be you. 

Jihyun Kim trusts and loves you and refuses to believe you’d be evil *cough*LikeHowHeTrustedSnakeBitch*cough* 

He marches well marches as good as you can while visually impaired up to ‘MC’ and taps them on the arm.

MC turns “Can I help you?”

“I’m sorry, but you look extremely like a friend of mine. Her name is MC-”

The set director in front of him suddenly seems much more friendly “Oh! That’s my twin! Wait, are you V?? MC mentioned they were dating a photographer I didn’t realize it was the one we hired for today! Oh, I’m sorry, Hello I’m CM!”

Relief. So much fucking relief on V’s heart.

Vanderwood

Neither you nor Vanderwood were aware that Seven was being devious today

He had been scarce all day, leaving the two of you to go through the day in overall peacefulness. You guys had spent a bit of time together, but eventually you got up to start cleaning and doing some chores.

Yep that’s all normal

Until you suddenly walk in the door you did not leave out of

“MC?” Vandy stared at you as you looked at him, then walked straight back out the door you just came in

Then you walked in the door he thought you originally left from.

You crossed the room and into the hall, out of site. He was left a little slackjawed and confused

Then you entered from the door he just saw you enter from. Wait what

“MC how-”

You giggled and ran out another door

Only to come back from the hall

“OK LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK”

His outburst made you jump

“Vanderwood wha-”

Two doors behind you silently opened, and two almost carbon copies of you peaked their heads through and shushed Vanderwood

He was speechless and just violently pointed trying to get you to turn around, but by the time you did the copies of you were gone

“What in the fuck-”

“Vanderwood what is-”

“Yeah Vanderwood why-” An MC copy asked running in from the hall

“What’s going on?” Another one said coming in from a room

“What the” You looked around and Vanderwood was rubbing his eyes like crazy trying to get whatever form of psycho out of them. 

Upon further inspection, you realized one of your clones didn’t look like you aside from the fact they were wearing your clothes and had on a wig that looked like your hair “Seven?”

“You got me! Lucky~~Aha~!” Seven cheered pulling the wig off

“So who is-” Vanderwood looked to the last copy

“Oh, I’m CM! I’m MC’s twin. 707 asked if I would help him out with a little prank and I couldn’t say no” Cm giggled.

You all had a good laugh

Except Vanderwood

Saeran

Ok, you guys might hate me for this one

But

I feel like he also knows

I feel like Seven has told him, and dragged him out on the #TwinClubDates

There’s no way Seven wouldn’t constantly talk about you 4 being goals

He takes group pictures of you guys all the time

He shows Saeran photos of CM constantly asking if he and Saeran look more alike than MC and CM

Buuut

Even though Saeran knows, he’s totally fucked up before

I bet he’s accidentally kissed CM before when MC’s in a spot then leaves only for CM to be left standing somewhere close to where Saeran last saw MC

He’s definitely had to play the “Which one am I dating” game when you two first started going out. And he has failed and accidentally grabbed Cm’s hands, causing you two to giggle despite Saeran’s obvious saltiness

I’m sorry. This one is really weak but I don’t really have any ideas for it because I feel like Saeran wouldn’t make a big slip up since he’d know MC had a twin cause of Seven. 

[adambstingus]

How To Deal With Meeting Bae’s Family When You Have Horrible Anxiety

I haveanxiety, baby. Crippling, not-cute, debilitatingANXIETY.

I might as well wear a T-shirt that says, Talk ~anxiety~ to me because I indulge in that anxious talk much more than I indulge in that dirty talk.

Sometimes, when Im drinking by myself at the bar, Ill gaze at those laid back girlswith their bohemian beach wavescasually cascading down their sun-kissed backs, meeting their boyfriends family for the first time and Im sick with jealousy.

I just want to be a non-anxious girl who doesnt wear makeup,authentically enjoys yoga, rolls out of bed and throws on a braless, side-boob dress and puts the frenetic energy of a New York City subway gorgeously at ease with my magnetic, carefree swagger.

But, no. Im actually an acutely raven-haired, snow-white, pale-skinned, hyperactive mascara lesbian, all big anxious eyes, caffeine-shaky lips and nerves.

My leg is inexplicably shaking as a write this. Is something ANXIOUS about to happen?

Nah, girl. Its a boring Tuesday in lower Manhattan. Im just feeling things because I dont know how to not feel things.

Im just feeling things because I dont know how to not feel things.

But I adore love. People who suffer from anxiety and depression tend to fiercelylove because were glutenous in the feels department, like out of control chocolate addicts who just cant help but devour a box of Godiva in one sitting.

People with anxiety tend to fiercely love because were glutenous in the feels department.

We recklessly dive into the emotional pools, whether its the anxiety pool, the depressed pool or the love pool.

Two anxious/depressed entities swimming in the love pool is a powerful force of nature (not necessarily a healthy force of nature,but theyre still a forceto be reckoned with).

Social anxiety is the worst when youre dating someone new. Because, all of a sudden, youre forced to ~socialize~ with their people.

Its probably really good for us to crawl out from under the covers and mingle with fresh personalities, but damn, is it harrowing.

But ya know, kittens, if we want love so bad, were going to have figure out a way to deal with our social anxiety.

So today, together, like two long lost, anxious sisters, were going to navigate the dark and stormy waters of dating with social anxiety.

Last week, we talked about dealing with meeting your significant others friends with social anxiety. And this week, were going to talk about the collectively feared meeting of the family.

Iknow this one is tough. Because the thing is, when you love someone something fierce, you want to be close their family. You want to be loved, accepted and celebrated by them.

But how the hell do you get there when youre feeling irrepressibly shy?

Now that Im a smug 30-year-old, I can tell you Ive learned a thing or two in my time here on this cruel, cold planet earth. At this point, Ive become such a ferocious expert in charming a significant others family, I can do it with the grace and ease of a ballerina.

So, if the leg-shaking, former over-drinker due to her extreme shyness, bug-eyed, noticeably quiet girl has learned to deal with meeting the SOs fam, so can you.

Here is my basic beginners guideline. Message me, if you have more questions, for I am your anxious lesbian big sister. And I amalways here for you.

1. Be more polite than the Queen of England.

Its OKto be a little shy. But the trouble with being shy is this: Shy can sometimes be misinterpreted as bitchy.

Iknow thats not the case, and you know thats not the case. But does baes family know thats not the case?

Unless they have a mastersin psychology, no. They dont. So you need to be over-the-top polite.

Make sure you look everyone you meet in the eye, smile and firmly shake their hands. Say sweet, polite, sugary things like, So LOVELY to meet you!

People can handle quiet, as long as youre a polite quiet.Channel your inner Kate Middleton, and act like a god damn royal.

Channel your inner Kate Middleton, and act like a god damn royal.

It will distract everyone from your palpable anxiety. And if they do notice your trembling hands, theyll know its because youre nervous fromtrying to impressthem.

And theyll be inclined to love back anyone who loves their gorgeous, perfect child.

2. Take the piece of cake, no matter what allergies you have.

I dont care if youre on the Atkins Diet. I dont give a shit about your gluten allergy. I dont care if youre going to go into paralytic shock from all of the sugar youre eating.

If youre offered a piece of cake, take it. If youre worried youre going to shut down or come across as rude, the best way to put a buffer between your lack of conversation participation is to take the fucking cake when its offered, eat it and gush about how ~amazing~ it is.

You have ONE chance to make a good impression, you hear me? Dont blow it by being a bitch about the food.

Eat the cake today, and save thediet for every other boring day of your life.

Whats a night of irritable bowels over family acceptance for life?

3. Ask them questions about their lives.

OK,so you dont know what the hell to say. Youre tongue-tied, your mouth is dry, your fingers are shaking, you really want a cigarette (even if you dont smoke) and you just want to crawl into a hole and hide.

Take a deep breath right now. Channel your inner California babe.

Ill visualize myself as some sort of calm, hippie, wild-haired Cali girl with golden sand sprinkled across my bare feet and Ill breathe like a real yogi. It helps.

After youve done your visualization and have calmed down a bit, ask their family questions about themselves. Ask them where theyre from, what they do for work, what theyre passionate about and how they made that cake so mouthwatering.

Trust me, everyone loves to talk about themselves. Were all vain, and were all a bit self-obsessed. Let the human condition work to your advantage.

4. Offer to help clean up.

If youre shy, your in with the fam is being of service. Dont bitch about this one, girls. No one is more useless than yours truly.

I dont even know how to load a dishwasher correctly. I dont know how to roast a chicken. I dont know how to iron my linen dresses.

But you know what? When I meet baes family, I channel my inner domestic goddess and I help clean up like Im a god damn professional.

It gets you out of conversation, but still makes you seem amazing, engaged and helpful.

So, stop worrying about your broken nail, and get down and dirty with those dishes, babe! Chipped nail polish today, manis and xanis tomorrow.

Chipped nail polish today, manis and xanis tomorrow.

5. Have a glass of wine, for Christs sake.

Now is not the time to be a prim bitch. Have a glass of wine (just one, two max) and let your hair down a bit.

It will socially lubricate you so youre not a stiff Stepford wife from Greenwich, Connecticut when you arrive on the family frontier for the first time.

Dont have more than two, or else that booze will quickly turn on you. An anxiety-ridden drunk is weird. Its uncomfortable.

But an anxiety-ridden buzz is totally fine!

Have a personality drink, follow steps one through four and youll be good to go, I swear to goddess.

Well deal with using drinking as a crutch later this week. But today, youve just got to get through meeting THE FAM.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/24/how-to-deal-with-meeting-baes-family-when-you-have-horrible-anxiety/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/165703462412