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valkyrieofsmut · 4 years ago

Text

Captive Love 11

UF!Sans x Reader (or Frisk if you wanna)

Summary: Sweetheart's escape! Sans's anxiety... Sweetheart has anxiety, too.

A/N: So... Here's one of the parts I've been really excited to put out! I must be messed up, though, because... Sweetheart has flashbacks and an anxiety attack... I'll put the ~~~ so you can avoid the triggering stuff. Sans pretty much sums it up, but I also put a sum up in the end notes. Also, tumblr is a bitch to edit on, which is why it’s taking me so long to update! Sometimes I kinda just feel like posting a link to the chapter on Ao3... kinda feel torn, though, since you won’t get to see the words or anything if it’s reblogged or whatever. What d’ya think?

Masterlist Series Masterlist

Story

The great escape.

The door downstairs closed loudly, waking (Y/n) with a jolt.

She looked around, seeing a blanket over herself. She didn’t remember that being there before she fell asleep.

There was a soft, muffled snoring above her and she looked up, Sans’ body stretched out before her in the puddle of his coat, the book he’d been reading laying open on his face.

(Y/n) tried to sit up, but an arm tightened around her ribs. She looked down and noticed that while she’d thought that his arm was just laying down on the bed, it was draped over her, hand tightening at her shirt and holding her close. The other seemed to be tangled in a mess of her hair.

Holy crap, how did this even happen? She wondered.

She decided that it didn’t matter. Nothing about it mattered. It didn’t mean anything, and it didn’t change her plans to get out.

She could hear Papyrus getting closer from the sound of his stomping footsteps coming down the hallway. He seemed to pause outside Sans’ door, and she wondered what he was doing for the moments before he opened the door.

“SANS, WAKE UP, YOU LAZY PILE OF BONES!” He called, taking in the sight in front of him as his brother stirred. “SANS, WHAT IS THAT TRASH ON YOUR FACE?”

(Y/n) looked up as Sans swiped the book away so it hit the floor on the other side of his bed a bit violently. “nothin’ paps, jus’ somethin’ i’s readin’ ta sweetheart,” he assured. Hastily.

That didn’t sound suspicious at all…

Was particle theory some secretly sexy thing? Was there something in there that she didn’t realize was dirty? Was he- was he reading her porn without her realizing it?!

She knew that monsters supposedly turned to dust when they died, which lent itself to a theory that monsters were made of particles instead of cells, so… was it some weird sexual thing?!

(Y/n) felt her cheeks heating, and she made sure to keep her face hidden from the two skeletons.

Another night of awful dinner, though she was able to eat some salad and bread to fill herself and avoid much of the lasagna, thanks to Sans’ shopping trip, out of the way, and they all retired to their rooms, Papyrus to practice battle strategy and study traps, (Y/n) and Sans to his room.

(Y/n) got the book from the floor where it had landed and brought it to Sans where he was kicked back on the bed.

“ya- ya want me ta read ya more a that?” He asked nervously.

(Y/n) shook her head, putting the book on the bed and making the motions for writing on paper.

“s-sorry, sweetheart, i told ya; i can’t read human writin’, yet.” She scowled at him and slapped the bed before making the writing sign again. Sans jumped back in surprise at her actions, standing and going to his desk. “shit, doll, a’right-! ya planning ta take notes or some shit?” He asked a bit roughly as he tossed the pad of paper and pencil on the bed at her. She seemed pleased, so he sat back on the bed.

She waited for him to get comfortable before handing him the pad and pencil. He looked at them in confusion, then watched her open the book and point at the words, then pointed at him and signed writing again.

“doll, i’m tellin’ ya; i can’t write anythin’ y’re gonna understand,” he told her.

She held the book open and tapped at the page to get his attention there before pointing to each individual letter.

“i’m not holdin’ anythin’ back from ya, doll, i sw-” he insisted, cut off as she slapped the bed again with a scowl.

She jabbed her fingers at the letters and nearly growled, “uhl-fuhb…t!”

“ya- ya want me ta write th’ alphabet?” He asked in surprise.

“Yehs!” She declared with a slight, adorable, squeak, thrusting her arms in the air and falling back on the bed in obvious frustration.

Sans’ grin widened at the sight before he was over her, his face pressed to her collarbone, his arms wrapping around her to give a squeeze. “y’re jus’ so fuckin’ cute, ya know that, sweetheart?” He asked, nuzzling her as he hid his blush. (Y/n) was frozen in surprise, but was about to push him away when he continued, “an’ smart. but, if we’re gonna do that, let’s get one that ain’t so technical.” Sans climbed from the bed, taking the book with him, stuffed it on the shelf behind some other books and pulled off a different one.

He’d been glad that she couldn’t read the old school, common monster print, so he could make up whatever he wanted the book to ‘say’, but now that she was trying to learn to read it… the thought of her learning that he read books focused the relationships of the characters, that was a bit soft for the tough image he kept up, it’d embarrass him very badly, and if it got out that he read that kind of stuff- he’d be attacked, not only verbally, by most monsters, but physically by some of them as well; the ones who thought they were going to look big and strong by killing the brother of one of the Royal Guard’s Commanders.

Sans wrote all of the characters of the monster’s common alphabet, leaving space around each one, then his name at her insistence.

“sans,” he read it to her, making the sound of each letter as she pointed to it, then watched as she made some weird kind of notes underneath. “ss. aa. nn. ss.”

(Y/n) nodded as she looked at her work. Well, now she knew how to spell his name. She pointed to the corresponding letters of his name in the alphabet that he’d written, and, getting the same sounds, wrote the letters under them.

She found words in the book, starting with the short ones, having him read the whole sentence, then the words one at a time, to check the grammar, and then the individual letters of her chosen words until she had a letter for almost all of the symbols. There seemed to be a symbol for the sounds ‘ch’ ‘sh’ and something she could only figure as ‘cs’ which was like a soft c, almost s sound.

Sans scratched the back of his skull before reaching down and tossing his shoes off. “flower. sweetheart, ya done, yet? ‘cause i’m done being treated like a fuckin’ speak’n spell fer th’ night. got shit ta do in th’ mornin’,” he told her, sounding tired as he got comfy on the bed.

(Y/n) wrote a couple more notes, then closed the book, took the paper from the pad and stuck it where she wouldn’t forget to take it with her when she left; it would come in handy to read any signs.

She was as stubborn as the previous nights, taking her pillow and laying on the floor, much to Sans’ irritation.

Another night of falling asleep on the floor, Sans wrapping his body around her, and waking up on the bed. She wasn’t surprised at this point, though she wondered how he got her up on the bed without waking her.

Come on, she thought at them, particularly Sans, as she stared at the book she was again studying, I was still here yesterday when you went shopping- I didn’t leave, you can trust me. Go to work, or whatever it is you do…

Sans was shooting hesitant looks at her, but did leave her alone in the room with a reminder of how dangerous monsters could be to humans. She would have thought that he was threatening her, but the way he looked so nervous, it was definitely that he was warning her to stay safe. Inside.

(Y/n) waited.

She ate some of the salad and bread for breakfast, not wanting to make herself sick right before her trip, and continued to wait.

After two and a half hours, she felt like if either of the skeletons had been worried about her sneaking out, they would have given up and either come to check on her, or gone off to the next thing by then and she should be ok to go.

She dressed in the most covering black clothing she’d found in the bag to help her blend into the shadows, ending up in a tight pair of leggings and a loose, off the shoulder shirt landing in a very flattering cut at almost mid thigh.

It did leave her neck a bit exposed, but she was going to use her sneaking ability to the best of her, well, ability, mostly staying hidden for protection.

She stuffed her feet into her shoes, glad that she had sensible, comfortable, black shoes as required for work, though they looked a little clunky paired with the skin tight leggings.

Pfft. Not like I’m trying to win any fashion awards or anything, anyway, she chided herself as she looked all over through the fields around the outside of the door before slowly making her way out.

She kept her back to the house as she slowly navigated her way around it to the side with the city in the far distance.

Sans felt a bead of sweat run down his skull as he hurried toward the house, pausing under the tree sheltering the echo flowers he’d brought up, the ground muddy and wet from how much water they needed.

Something was not sitting right in his nonexistent gut. Something was too strange about the way his sweetheart had been acting, and he felt the need to go check on her, if only to ease his own worries.

If she was fine, he could pop back to work, no problem, if not- he would fix it.

As Sans started forward again, he saw the gleaming silver of spun webs.

His eyes focused more, sweeping the field to pick out more of the webbing, seeing a trap set, and he could guess who it was meant for.

fuckin’ spider bitch can’t keep ta her own fuckin’ business… he cursed, crouching to conceal himself as his eyes moved over the area to gather all the information he could.

He saw the hint of a strange shadow at the edge of the grass, the fuzzy body of a spider about half the size of the annoying dog; one of Muffet’s minions, and one that wasn’t the type to travel alone.

He cursed silently again, his eyes sweeping over the place it was heading, obviously on the hunt, tracking their prey.

There- he saw a flash of skin, a hand steadying its owner so as to not trip, just at the corner, on the other side of the house.

Sans used a shortcut to the grass just past her, still crouching to stay hidden.

Just as he could see her about to break away from the house and head out into the open field, a glance showing him that the spiders were poised and ready to scurry into action chasing after her, Sans shot out of the grass silently, grabbing (Y/n)’s arm and jerking her around the next corner, out of the line of sight of the spiders.

(Y/n)’s back was once again slammed into a wall, Sans in front of her, his hand over her mouth as he caged her in, his eyes studying the side of the house she’d just been on as he quietly growled, “what th’ fuck ya thinkin’?!”

She was too surprised to react for a moment, and when he was satisfied that whatever he was looking for wasn’t there, his angry eyelights turned to meet her eyes.

“huh?! what don’t ya get ‘bout it bein’ dangerous fer ya ta be out here?!” His voice was soft, as though he didn’t want to alert someone to their position, but (Y/n) still didn’t see anyone around.

He was playing it up for her benefit, trying to trick her, she knew it…

“how th’ fuck’d ya even survive this long?! ya run ’round defenseless an’ soft, kissin’ strange, scary fuckin’ monsters an’ passin’ out ‘n front a ‘em, try'n wander through fields fulla monsters that wanna cat’cha an’ eat'cha- what th’ fuck did ya think ya were gonna do- skip yer way through th’ fuckin’ town fulla monsters an’ get through wit th’ power’a kindness or some shit?!” He hissed at her.

(Y/n) had thought Papyrus was the intimidating brother, but Sans was pretty intimidating himself when his eyelights were missing from his sockets, his anger twisting his face as he held her motionless against the wall of the house, bony hand over her mouth.

He looked around the house again before dragging her with him as he went down to the other corner, peeking around to check it before dragging her with him again, into the house and tossing her toward the couch, making her stumble back and fall onto it awkwardly, her eyes glued to him as he locked the locks on the door and stormed down over to the couch.

Sans’ red magic yanked her feet to him and he ripped her shoes from her feet, taking them with him as he stormed down a hall, then made his way back, her shoes missing, though she’d heard the sounds of more locks.

He stopped next to the couch, grabbing her to drag with him again, but stopping at the bottom of the stairs, holding her with one hand while the other smacked at the wall until he found what he was looking for and pulled a hidden door open.

(Y/n) only got to see a sliver of what was inside, lights flickering before filling the space with harsh, fluorescent brightness. There were a couple of strange machines that kicked to life, but none of them were what Sans was going for, apparently, as he grabbed whatever he was looking for from the wall near the door and walked back out, flicking the lights off and slamming the door closed before again dragging her, this time up the stairs to his room.

His door shut with a loud bang, Sans stopping and holding the item in his fist up as he pushed her forward so she fell on the bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) quickly turned and rightened herself enough that she could fling herself into motion if she needed to. Her eyes went up to watch Sans, attentive to find any clues from his behavior that she’d need to survive.

His eyelights were trained on the thing in his fist, which was glowing a little with his red magic, but the expression on his face was torn.

“i didn’t wanna do this,” he murmured. “i was tryna spare ya from it, but…” Sans’ eyelights turned back to her, sadness hidden behind his anger as he advanced on her, keeping her trapped between him and the bed. “but ya fuckin’ hada make me. ya took the decision outta my hands, sweetheart. ‘f i’m gonna keep ya safe, i have ta be able to…”

(Y/n) felt the fear growing in her belly as she shrank down away from him, her eyes unable to look away from his.

It was a bad ending.

Punishment.

He was pissed off and was going to punish her to assert his dominance, to keep her under his control, show her what happened when she displeased him.

No… no, please, her mind begged, unable to get the words out, though her mouth had been trained not to let any sounds out. Please- help… I’m sorry-!

Her eyes slammed shut as he stepped closer, her whole body flinching away, her face flinching again as she tried to keep the panic in her system down. Her arms flinched, stopping themselves as they started to move up to defend herself as he leaned over her.

Something soft but sturdy wrapped around her neck.

Oh god- don’t strangle me- oh god, please don’t strangle me-! She heard the sound of a buckle and her fear was instantly doubled. No biting, no biting, no biting, she tried to prepare herself, fighting the tears stinging at her ducts. Biting will make it worse- worse might be accidentally killing you…

Suddenly, light was shining through her eyelids and she heard the door slam closed again.

(Y/n) opened her eyes, finding herself alone in Sans’ room. She quickly looked around to take stock of the situation, making sure she was actually alone, before getting up and grabbing the chair from near the window, using it to jam the door closed before she took the blanket off the bed and huddled on the other side of it from the door.

The tears started washing down her face as she wrapped herself around a pillow, her body rocking slightly as she fought the panic that had taken hold of her gut.

I’m ok, she told herself. I’m ok, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t hurt me. Didn’t even rip my clothes. I’ll still get out- just… just gotta wait for the right opportunity… I’ll make it. I’ve survived before, I can do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sans sat in the hall with his back against his door, draining large gulps from a nearly empty bottle of cheap whiskey and chasing it with gulps of mustard.

He could feel his sins crawling on his back.

He felt fucking disgusting.

The look of fear in her eyes as he got closer to her, the full body tremble- the way she looked like she’d rather fall down and dust than let him touch her as he put the collar on her and buckled it…

He should be comforting her- he wanted to be in there comforting her, telling her that it was ok, he wasn’t going to hurt her- that he’d never hurt her! But he was the one that had caused this state of fear, and he could only hope that she’d calm down enough that he could comfort her soon.

stars, sweetheart, ‘m sorry, he thought miserably as he took another long gulp, finishing the bottle in his hand and squirting mustard between his teeth, ignoring the tears and soul tearing pain in his chest before he buried his skull against his knees, his humeri pressing around it, wrists dangling from the top of his knees, mustard in one hand, the empty bottle in the other. ‘m so fuckin’ sorry…

A/N: SAFE RECAP That thing Sans got out of the secret room was a collar, and when he went to put it on her, she had a flashback of punishment from her abusive ex. Of course, Sans couldn't stand to see her like that, hated himself for causing it, and left to go be self destructive on his own. Also... heh, the book that Sans was reading to Sweetheart... not a textbook. More a romance novel. lol.

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magic-owl · 5 years ago

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i wish these had numbers to not take up room but alas: what is your absolute favorite ship? what’s a ship you like that most people don’t? what is the most underrated ship, in your opinion? (choose any of your fave pairings for the following bc I'm curious about all your faves) rate [pairing] from 1-10 and explain why. what’s your favorite headcanon of [pairing]? what’s your favorite canon moment of [pairing]? favorite AU ideas for [pairing]? what song(s) remind you of [pairing]?

Thank you my dear! You are my Star Wars Friend so I’ll keep it SW focused (if you wanted to ask this to solely find out what else I liked BESIDES SW sorry lol just let me know and I can redo it). This got long because turns out I have a lot to say about my ships so answers under the cut!!! xD

Absolute favorite ship: This one’s kinda hard but I’m gonna have to go with Obi Wan/Anakin! I also like them a lot as a trio with Padmé, but overall I gotta say these two are just my faves? Why? Because they are such a M E S S and gosh I just love them so much. Ppl say they don’t like each other very much but come on, have you watched the TCW, have you watched RotS, they’re the greatest team there ever was, they’re constantly fretting and worrying about each other, they’re always teasing (the constant banter omg boys pls) at each other and hyping the other up and believing in each other and Ahsoka literally calls them her adoptive guardians in the Ahsoka novel, that’s how much of a family they were and ugh they’re just so married. And they’re such a TRAGEDY and it breaks my heart and it’s delicious to watch because in the final fight it’s just heartbreaking betrayal because through it all they love each other so much and that’s WHY they’re so furious with each other because to them it feels like the ultimate betrayal. Even after (when after everything, Obi Wan still loved Anakin too much to kill him himself) they’re constantly on the other’s mind, and ugh the pain hurts but in such a good way, and how in the end Anakin did the right thing and Obi Wan was RIGHT THERE to help guide him back to the light in spirit and now they can rest happily together for eternity (with some spare stressing about, ya know, Kylo Ren and the impending return of Sidious, but never mind all that). and on top of that, it’s my fave because I also absolutely love their relationship platonically as well, as much as I LIKE to see them together, it’s not necessary for me because they have such an enjoyable dynamic. *coughs* Sorry, so yea, they’re my disaster faves! 😅

A ship I like that most people don’t: See above lol. I get aspects of the Obikin ship can be problematic in the whole power dynamic and age difference thing, but I’ve only ever shipped it after Anakin was knighted as an adult when there’s literally not a problem with it (it was weird for me because I watched the prequels totally out of order. I actually saw the TCW cartoon FIRST and then I saw RotS and then I didn’t watch the first two for a while after that because I was a fool and listened to prequel bashers who said the first two weren’t good, so when I started shipping them as adults that was all I saw them as). To be honest, for the most part the PT fandom is done with the drama since ya know, like a good half of the SW general fandom still hates us, so no one’s really vocal about not liking it and our shipping community is mostly left to ourselves, but every once in a while I’ll come across a joke post/fanart of the two and OP will be all snarky in the notes like “tag as a ship and I’ll come after you with my spiked bat” (someone’s exact words btw) and it’s like ok jeez, do not interact then, was minding my own business dude...

My most underrated ship: Hmmmm....... Gonna have to go between Luke/Ezra and Satine/Padmé. Skybridger I understand since they’ve literally never met in canon, but come ON, they’d get along like a house on fire and argh they should have met, it would be great. I honestly don’t get why Pads and Satine aren’t more of a thing (THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE AN OFFICIAL SHIPNAME ;_; ) cuz c’mon they’re the subtler explosive yin to Obi and Ani’s wildfire yang. They get along great and work together really well, and they both seem to have a type. I am doing them a little better in my new OT4 fic, and I hope ppl like it!!! Ya know what, I’m also gonna add Kaeden (cute girl from the Ahsoka novel!) and Ahsoka because even if a lot of ppl actually ship them, they hardly have any content and neED MORE DANGIT THEY WERE SO CUTE!!!!!!!

Gonna go with Obikin for all the following ones cuz I haven’t had the chance to gush about my boys in a while and you’ve opened Pandora’s box

Rate them from 1-10: 10, plus a hundred more points because I love them, then subtract that hundred again cuz Anakin is an gotdang idiot who ruined it and now they both make me cry. My scoring reasons are that they make me feel all the emotions and I love them Ever So Much and argh.

Fave headcanon: Oh boy, I’ve got a couple actually!

Whenever they’re talking/arguing over the phone, they’re always subconsciously mirroring each other’s actions even when they can’t see what the other is doing. It’s kinda creepy because you’ll hear yelling and it’ll look like one of them’s talking to an invisible person in front of them when it’s actually each other.

There has been multiple instances of them both getting injured in battle because they were distracted watching the other be a total badass (not that either will admit it)

Neither of them are morning people. AT ALL. Obi Wan actually has self-discipline and is able to get up with an alarm and crankily drag them both up, but both are almost impossible to deal with until they’ve had caffeine in them, and it’s been established that unless you want to risk murder, neither of them talks in the morning until caffeine has been provided.

There has been many, many cases of accidentally taking the other’s robe and not realizing it but thinking to themselves that said robe feels more comforting than usual today.

A mutually drunken arm wrestling match absolutely turned into a mutually drunken makeout once. Neither can remember it, and they wonder why some of the clones have been acting funny all week.

Half of the Temple thinks they’re already dating.

Ok I’ll stop it here

Fave Canon Moment: Ughhh, this is HARD. I really like the “any closer and you’d be kissing it” line in TCW, basically any moment in TCW when one of them refers to Ahsoka as “OUR padawan”, the extra long stares and unnecessary touches they give each other in TCW, the elevator scene in RotS movie (THE NOVEL MAKES IT A MILLION TIMES BETTER), also in RotS the way Anakin is half-ready to straight up fight Palpatine when he suggests leaving Obi Wan behind to die, the RotS “No loose wire jokes” bit, the RotS “Roger. Roger.” bit (OKAY JUST THE WHOLE FIRST HALF OF THIS RIDICULOUS MOVIE), the way Vader built his big stupid castle where they had their breakup, the way he’s constantly mentioning Obi Wan when the convo wasn’t even about him, seeing them together again at the end of RotJ (whoops you asked for one, you get MANY SCENES)

Fave AU ideas: Again, there’s a couple!

Superpower AU: Can’t decide whether I’d put this in canon or modern. Most powers in this AU are stolen from inspired by X-Men, DC, and other popular media, so I’m torn between Anakin having Jean Grey/Dark Phoenix style powers while Obi Wan had a variation on Rogue’s with additional energy manipulation. OR it would be a thing where Anakin could commune with the dead a la Klaus from Umbrella Academy while Obes had sort of Avatar-style wind/flight powers. (Both are relevant for different plots).

Sith AU: I know these are far from unpopular in the SW fandom, but the way I’d do it would be to try and write two stories at once, update one every other week so one update a week total. The stories would what would happen if either of them became the Sith Apprentice after the events of Episode 1, and how their dynamic would be during Ep 2 and The Clone Wars with one of them on the other side. It’s funny because the way I’ve plotted it, the Sith!Ani fic would have very big Good Omens vibes, while the Sith!Obi one would have very strong Under the Red Hood vibes, so two VERY different dynamics going on xD

WWII Spies: This is one I 100% plan to write someday, even tho it is a very long time from now. It’s basically following Anakin as an American naval pilot who got injured in a crash and discharged. He still wants to serve and eventually his talent gets him into the intelligence end of the war and sent to Europe where he meets Ben, who’s been working with British intelligence since it broke out, and sparks fly. I’m kind of cheating here cuz as of now this is an Obianidala story, not just Obikin, but it’s one I’m very excited for

Phantom of the Opera AU: This idea I had when I realized that Anakin as Vader is kinda a Lot like the Phantom, but he’s also a Lot like Christine too. So it turned into Anakin as a talented ballet dancer getting preyed on by Palpatine!Phantom (there is NO romance there, Palpy is a total creep and will be treated as such) with Obi Wan as a combination of Raoul and Madame Gery and I have a bunch of ideas and idk if it’s gonna be an actual thing, but I want it to.

Shapeshifter AU: Canon, not very complicated but they can all shift into animals. Obi Wan is a kind of cougar panther cat with a fluffy ginger tail, and Anakin is a big grumpy black Krayt Dragon with a stump for a front leg.

Not A Jedi!AU: One in canon in which set like the Sith!AU, two different stories exploring how their dynamic would be if one of them wasn’t found by the Order. As of now, I’ve got Anakin as the warrior pirate prince of Tatooine, after having grown up and staged a slave rebellion, then promptly put his mother on the throne, and Obi Wan’s there to negotiate something during TCW and things happen. For the Obi Wan one, he’s a political journalist and war correspondent who keeps on running into Anakin’s assignments and popping up where he’s stationed and Anakin has to keep this idiot from getting himself killed/stop asking me annoying questions that criticize the Jedi and the government.

Dark!AU: A kind of morbid canon divergent fic where Padmé dies early and unexpectedly (Palps didn’t plan it). Anakin goes off the rails and Obi Wan agrees to go with him on a murder vengeance roadtrip to try and keep him from Falling or the Sith from getting to him. He kinda fails and they both Fall in a way and it ends with them hunting down Sidious’ players one by one. I’m not entirely sure I want to continue with this tho because it plays strongly on the Fridged Woman trope, which I can’t stand. I’d have to figure out how to give Padmé some sort of active role after her death...

Songs to describe them: There’s a couple (I could have very well gone cranky but I decided to do (mostly) serious))(also my music taste kinda stinks)

Icarus— Bastille

Anna Sun— WALK THE MOON

Animal I Have Become— Acoustic cover by Vitamin String Quartet (original by Three Days Grace) (seriously y’all listen it’s sooooo gooooood)

Warriors— Imagine Dragons

My Demons— STARSET

Ignorance— Paramore

Set Fire to the Rain— Adele

Stubborn Love— The Lumineers

How to Save A Life— The Fray (yes i am aware it is stereotypical angst song leave me Alone it FITS)

Viva la Vida— Coldplay (tbh this fits like the entire PT but I liked it)

Raised by Wolves— U2 (another more PT-centric, but this one works dangit)

Bonus Broadway Song! : Confrontation from Les Miserables (now that ya think of it, that would be a pretty good AU too.....)

Bonus Broadway Song! : The Tango Maureen from Rent (I always imagined this one as Obi Wan and Padmé about Anakin, but it would be about something other than cheating cuz canon has established Anakin views cheating as a worse crime than murder, so yea)

Bonus Broadway Song! : Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better (aight this one’s mostly a joke but come ON don’t tell me that’s not completely them xD)

#owl gets an ask #long post #wolf-skins

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eirenical · 7 years ago

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Ship Rating Game: obi-wan/anakin(/padme), obi-wan/jango fett, palpatine/Being Tossed Into A Supernova

A+: OTPA: I love itB: It’s really cuteC: Not a bad shipD: I’m neutral on itE: I don’t really like itF: NOTPN/A: I don’t know the ship well enough

Anyone else want to sendme a ship to rate? ^_^

Going in reverse order…

Palpatine/Being Tossed Into A Supernova: A/A+

NEVER CONSIDERED IT, BUT WHAT A GREAT SHIP, SERIOUSLY,WONDERFUL, HOW DO YOU THINK OF THESE THINGS. *_*

Obi-Wan/Jango Fett: A

Eh-heh-heh. I see you rememberedmy Foe-Yay ship. ^_~

Seriously, there is so much unbelievable eye-fucking going onwhen they meet on Kamino, it’s ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. I mean… that entire scene when Obi-Wan meetsJango and Boba? SO. MUCH. FLIRTING. SO MUCH. That whole damned fight is foreplay by another name. XD Now, given in-universe context, I don’t think this could ever be morethan grudge-fucking… but it would be glorious grudge-fucking. *eg*

Obi-Wan/Anakin(/Padme): A/A+

OMG, I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM. (…and this is going to get REALLY LONG, so behinda cut we go. ^_^)

(Slight aside: So… normally I’m a bit weirded out byteacher/student relationships in any way. I really am. Possibly because Iam a teacher? IDEK. I mean, I’m aro/ace af, but that is a line thatI would NEVER cross with a student, especially one I was activelyteaching. At best it’s a conflict ofinterests. At worst… there’s hugepotential for taking advantage of people in both directions. THAT BEING SAID. Certain Jedi apprenticeships are possibly theone place that I’m perfectly OK with it. I WILL EXPLAIN.)

SO. Obi-Wan and Anakin,in particular have a very, very, very codependent relationship. I mean, if you’ve ever read the novelizationof Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover (and if you haven’t, I HIGHLYRECOMMEND IT), the sheer number of times he describes them as part of awhole/two halves of a whole/incomplete without the other/etc. is ridiculous. And that’s a theme that comes up a lot. Maybe it was the war. Maybe it was the fact that they both havesuch unbelievably huge problems with attachment. Maybe it’s because they’d both lost their wholelives and everyone who cared about them right at the same moment that they gotattached to each other. Maybe it’sbecause Obi-Wan was so FUCKING YOUNG when he took Anakin on as an apprentice. I have no idea. But they do NOT have a normal Master/Padawanrelationship by ANY STRETCH. Anakin is insubordinateas hell, pretty much from the beginning. He doesn’t assume that Obi-Wan should be obeyed just because he’s older—he’sseen Obi-Wan make mistakes; he knows Obi-Wan isn’t infallible. And he’s been looking out for himself in alot of ways since the beginning. AndObi-Wan? Obi-Wan is devastated byQui-Gon’s loss and given how awful their last few weeks were after 10 freakingyears of Qui-Gon blowing hot and cold all over him… let’s just say that Anakinisn’t the only one with an attachment disorder in that partnership.

But here’s the thing. They LEARN FROM EACH OTHER. Again, coming back to the RotS novelization—

“And Obi-Wan Kenobi knows, too, that to have lived hislife without being Master to Anakin Skywalker would have left him a differentman. A lesser man.

Anakin has taught him so much.

…Training Anakin—and fighting beside him, all these years—hasunlocked something inside Obi-Wan. It’s as though Anakin has rubbed off on him abit, and has loosened that clenched-jaw insistence on absolute correctness thatQui-Gon always said was his greatest flaw.

Obi-Wan Kenobi has learned to relax.

He smiles now, and sometimes even jokes, and has become knownfor the wisdom gentle humor can provide. Though he does not know it, hisrelationship with Anakin has molded him into the great Jedi Qui-Gon always saidhe might someday be.

It is characteristic of Obi-Wan that he is entirely unaware ofthis.”

Like… really that says it all for me. Even though Obi-Wan was technically an adultbefore, he was so overshadowed by Qui-Gon and kept forcibly in the role of a childlong past when he should have been on his own that he doubted everything abouthimself and his abilities. With Anakin nowdepending on him, he had to grow up and FAST. These two essentially grew into adulthood together, each helping to shapethe man the other became. And becausethey grew to adulthood together IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAMNED WAR, they wove theirpersonalities and strengths around each other in a way that makes a reallystrong whole… even if it doesn’t make strong individuals.

It’s not healthy or functional by a LONG FUCKING STRETCH, but Ifind it utterly compelling. ^_^

Now, Padme. I lovePadme. She’s one of my favoritecharacters in the SW universe. But, Ithink she and Anakin are TERRIBLE for each other, OMG. D: They love each other, yes. Theyrespect each other, absolutely. But theyare so unbelievably imbalanced, it’s ridiculous. And part of that is that Anakin just NEEDS somuch and Padme can’t be everything he needs. No one person COULD. And Padme hasother responsibilities, as does Anakin, and they never have enough time togetherto try to make things more balanced. It’sa MESS. And there’s also the fact that theycome at so many things from cross purposes and never really seem able tocommunicate about it. And that doesn’thelp.

So, here’s where the fun begins. On a purely aesthetic/PWP/hurt/comfort/codependentridiculousness perspective, I adore Obi-Wan/Anakin. I do. I will read the FUCK out of it every time I find it. It’s like crack to me. ;D Butultimately, I don’t think that’s a relationship that can completely sustain itselfwithout help. It’s the same problem Ihave with Anakin/Padme. But the three ofthem together? SO MUCH OT3 JOY HERE,OMG. Because I think the three of themWOULD balance each other, so much better than any pair of them could managealone. (Actually, one of my absolutelyfavorite SW stories out there is the three of them together: Sigh No More by @edenwolfie. It captures everything I love abouttheir dynamic SO. FUCKING. PERFECTLY. I just can’t sometimes. *_* IHIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.)

*coughs* You see now whyI needed to be coherent and awake to answer this one? ;D

#ask meme answers #shipping #star wars prequels #lizardrosen #conversations through replies #anakin x obi wan #anakin x obi wan x padme #jango fett x obi wan #eirenical.headcanons #star wars headcanons #shipping meme

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kansascityhappenings · 5 years ago

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Joe’s Weather Blog: Winter storm now likely for KC with ice/sleet and snow (THU-1/9)

It’s Thursday and today will be the 22nd straight day with temperatures above average…and because of quirks in the timing of the colder air arrival into KC…tomorrow will be the 23rd straight day. Realistically though…tomorrow is the transition to winter heading into the night…and through the night.

This will be a VERY dynamic storm…severe weather including tornadoes in areas of the south…colder air plunging into the Plains…a developing snowstorm with ice to start in the MO/KS region…and possibly flash flooding as well for areas especially SE of KC towards the I-44 corridor region and the Lakes area.

Everything is on the table with this storm…including near blizzard conditions IF we get stronger winds again on Saturday with the heavy snow combination. I talked about this with Alex and Karli yesterday…as you know on the air and here in the blog I’ve been banging the snowstorm potential for a few days now…and there is no reason to change that tune at this point.

Forecast:

Today: Variable clouds with more sunshine this afternoon. VEin /RY windy with gusts to over 40 MPH…and warm Highs in the mid>upper 60s. Record today is 64° set back in 1902. I thought last night we could tie that record…IF we get enough sunshine this afternoon we should break it!

Tonight: Mostly cloudy…a few showers are possible but most may remain dry. Winds start to fade a bit as well. Lows gradually dropping into the 40° range after daybreak tomorrow.

Friday: Rain develops later in the AM into the afternoon. Some thunderstorms are possible SE of KC. The front that comes through and slowly sends temperatures down will be somewhere close to KC. Areas SE of the Metro may still end up in the 60s! For KC we continue to slowly fall off into the low>mid 30s in the evening. I think the evening rush will be OK

Friday night: We transition to freezing rain and sleet. This will lay a layer of ice down. Temperatures tumble to around 20-25° be daybreak.

Saturday: Moderate to heavy snow develops…3-6″ is a 1st guess for snow totals which may be influenced by whether or not we have sleet cutting into the potential snow amounts…plus the winds will blow the snow around quite a bit. Temperatures 20-25°. Areas that have more ice may end up with less snow. That may be just SE of the Metro towards Sedalia and Clinton and westwards into KS.

Sunday: Partly cloudy and cold…single digit lows and highs only around 30° or so.

Discussion:

Buckle up…this storm has it all and there ARE going to be curve balls thrown at us that alter the outcome…some of these curve balls start tomorrow…the bulk of the curve balls come Friday night into Saturday. There is bust potential to some aspects of this forecast. It won’t be right for all areas…I just envision this outcome. There could be a shift of the storm track…that cuts or increases the snow amounts…there will be some snow jackpots and some snow disappointments from this.

This storm is more typical of what we used to get in the winter and what I mean by that is this, last year every snowstorm showed it’s game plan early and mostly followed it’s plan…hence the forecast accuracy. This storm hasn’t really revealed it game plan yet. I think there are surprises ahead and possible frustrations coming…that may require alterations to the forecast even later Friday night and Saturday. Consider yourself forewarned. I’m still NOT comfortable with this storm at all and the timing of all the transitions isn’t going to be pretty.

So with all that said…here goes…

Good thing the football game is on Sunday and not Saturday!

There is a lot happening and IF we can get this right…from a timing and ice/snow totals perspective this will be trick for sure.

1st the storm…

You can see it diving through CA this morning…

That is the storm…you have to look at it carefully to see it.

That storm will cut into the SW part of the country and then move into TX and come sharply NE into the Plains on Saturday. Let’s go up to about 18,000 feet and track the “U” shape…that is the storm.

Notice how a little circle develops…that means the storm is “closing off” and intensifying. When the circle “opens up” that means the storm is weakening to some degree. You can see how it goes through various phases here in the Plains especially.

That is what we try and track and talk about the storm track…because towards the north and northwest of that there is a comma head or wrap around part of the storm…and during this time of the year…moisture “wraps around” and into cold air. That creates snow…and potentially heavy snow at that.

Wobbles in that storm track takes heavy snow areas and shifts them NW or SE…also how well the comma head comes together is vital to getting heavy snow. We’ll be relying on this comma head to get the bulk of our accumulating snow. The timing on that is sometime Saturday into Saturday late afternoon.

Should there be a wobble southwards…the snow forecast is going to heavily bust. ALL data last night indicates that the storm is taking a favorable track for snow in the KC area. Again though…wobbles and a malformed comma-head means glitches in the snow potential/amounts.

I just don’t have the greatest feeling (confidence) about this storm yet in terms of 100% guaranteeing heavy snow in KC. Hopefully that comes tomorrow…but we need to prepare for at least 2″ to as much as 8″ of snow from this storm on top of ice.

As far as the ice impact goes. Temperatures tomorrow will gradually get colder as the day moves along. Whatever we are at 12AM tonight…mid 40s+ will be the high Friday I think. When you wake up tomorrow though we may still be in the 40-45° range! It should gradually drop to the mid 30s by the evening rush…so whatever falls here locally tomorrow will be liquid.

Tomorrow night as the lower part of the atmosphere here gets colder and falls below freezing…the rain will convert to freezing rain. In a sense the atmosphere will be getting colder from the ground upwards through about 7,000 feet. What I mean by that is there is going to be about 6-9 hours tomorrow night into early Saturday where there is a layer of above freezing air above us…this layer will likely prevent snow for reaching the ground…but that then means some sort of freezing rain/sleet scenario develops…after about 9PM Friday night and lingering to about daybreak Saturday. Below that layer the air is getting colder. When you wake up Saturday we should be near 25° with at least a glaze of ice out there from what has fallen and frozen on the surface. This will lead to icy roads to start the weekend.

So a layer of ice will be put down. This isn’t power outage ice amounts I don’t think.

The trick to the whole storm is the snow situation and how well the “comma head” part of the storm comes together. After daybreak the layer of above freezing air above us will be removed That means that what falls will now be snow.

IF the comma head is somewhat malformed we won’t get more than 3-4″…IF it come together the potential for over 4″ increases. Then you add in the wind especially early in the afternoon and you add the colder air developing which means a more fluffy snow…and that creates better snow ratios. When the air is colder…it allows the snow to pile up more…

Conventionally we look at 1/2″ of moisture equate to about 5-6″ of snow…when the air is colder…that same amount of moisture will mean 6-8″ of snow. When the air is very cold it could mean 10″ of snow.

So that is another thing that we watch for as everything comes together.

The morning NAM has indeed thrown a few curveballs out…including having that malformed comma head snow production part of the storm move through the KC Metro…it sort of becomes more formed east of the Metro. It has widespread 1-4″ of snow in the KC area with heavy amounts across northern MO in excess of 4-6″ towards the IA border and higher amounts to the east of KC towards central MO. Again…no need to commit to that outcome(s) either…it just throws up yellow flags to me. Then again the NAM model though today was going to be cloudy all day and around 55° so that isn’t going to work out too well. The new hi-res NAM model nails us with snow…3-8″ worth.

Other data overnight is still bullish on the snow potential. Again like yesterday…looking at an ensemble approach, which isn’t used as much as it should be used by others out there talking about the weather…this is where we stand…(see yesterday’s blog for what the “ensemble” approach is)

The potential of at least 2″ of snow…is showing up in 65% of all the models…that’s 96 model outputs that I looked at. The EURO especially is the most bullish with 35 of the 52 runs overnight showing at least 2″ worth. In terms of amounts the Canadian is the most bullish.

As far as today goes…and noteworthy in it’s own right I think…record high temperatures are possible>likely. at 9AM we’re in the mid 50s. There are clouds out there but there is also sunshine breaking through. We’ve seen high winds overnight…gusts to 50 MPH and as I type this we’re still getting 40 MPH winds…the record high is 64° set back in 1902. The key is getting enough breaks in the clouds…but as of 9AM we’re 6° away from tying the record and 7° away from breaking the record. This satellite picture should update through the day for you.

Oh and to top things off a nasty severe weather outbreak is forecast down to the south of the region…for tomorrow into tomorrow night…

and Saturday into Saturday night…

There may be strong tornadoes with this outbreak(s) in the southern US over the next few days.

Like I said at the start of the blog…this storm is going to be nasty for many areas of the country east of the Rockies.

OK that’s about it for now…I may get a brief update out this afternoon time permitting but things start to get a bit hairy at work now that all this is coming together…so some long days are coming up.

Our feature photo is from Michael Legel‎ out in Lees Summit yesterday. Oh. My. Goodness.

Joe

from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2020/01/09/joes-weather-blog-winter-storm-now-likely-for-kc-with-ice-sleet-and-snow-thu-1-9/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2020/01/09/joes-weather-blog-winter-storm-now-likely-for-kc-with-ice-sleet-and-snow-thu-1-9/

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veniceperformanceart · 7 years ago

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Ein Gespräch – A Conversation

By Aisha Ryannon Pagnes

Conversations between ART WEEK writer Aisha Ryannon Pagnes and artists and co-curators of the III Venice International Performance Art Week 2016.

Photograph © Claudia Popovici.

In order of appearance:

(LSC): Leisa Shelton-Campbell

(JK): Julius Kaiser

(ADR): Alexander Del Re

(ARP): Aisha Ryannon Pagnes

(K): Kyrahm

(NF): Nicola Fornoni

(DQ): Douglas Quin

(SW): Susanne Weins

(SV): Sašo Vollmaier

(HC): Helen Cole

(LC): Lorne Covington

(JM): James McAllister

(PRS): Preach R Sun

(JE): Jeannette Ehlers

(NB): Nathalie Anguezomo Mba Bikoro

The gift, or the awful burden of the artist is that they see details in the world and they see their implications and that is what they bring into the space; we all walked passed that old woman, we all walked past that box on the ground by that old woman, we all walked passed. But they can’t because of the dynamic of that person and how they relate to the very fact that people were walking past and they have to do something with it. But we were all there. I don’t think they can present anything different, they are just presenting rather than ignoring. (LSC)

The difference between manifesting and showing is getting to the heart. (JK)

And by mediating between ideas and people you are in a position where you can open a question, but I doubt we can provide an answer; I am not convinced that I have any solution to the problem. (ADR)

How do you think this can be misinterpreted? (ARP)

These topics are so fragile that anything is enough to cause misunderstanding. (K)

When something is taken out of context and put into an anonymous realm

it is everyone’s to play with and assume a context for. (LSC)

It is not that complex, in fact, it is very simple… (NF)

Disconnect the brain and connect the heart.

And it is that idea of being alive, and maybe it is as simple as that. (DQ)

There was a very strong need to express movement. It is there that I felt the most alive.

This feeling of where life is… (SW)

But the reality is that when I close the door I close myself. So this is what I need to learn, how to live this quality outside... (SV)

What is this quality?

It’s curiosity… This is what I am looking for, not just for others but also in my Self.

Believing in human creativity… all this aggression, all these suppressed feelings exist because we are creative creatures… so he welcomed aggression, to ask what’s behind this, what’s unread and to transfer this aggression into the voice, into movement, dance; to focus on each person’s expression as a creative source… and express this… this fragility… and suddenly all these colours… but you have to go through all those true personal states, you really have to go into your guts and feel this pain to find a true voice, something which is meaningful… (SW)

I was always connected to the voice through my family… more so with my father.

There were nine children in the family and I think singing was also a way to survive.

They would sing together to get emotionally stronger,

so this tradition I remember because they kept it, till now.

For me performance is almost like surviving. It is going to a deep process of… almost of death… and surviving this… many fears… (SV)

Sašo Vollmaier and Susanne Weins. Photograph © Lorenza Cini.

It is the cornerstone of art, because art for art’s sake is so tautologically irrelevant, it is very easy to produce, it is a comfort zone for many artists. I need some challenge and the challenge involves the other, it involves failure, in many ways, because in performance you are not supposed to have everything under control and do exactly as you thought you would, I don’t believe in that kind of practice. (ADR)

Knots were forming and I wasn’t able to disentangle them. I wasn’t able to make a homogeneous wig: it was full of knots. It was all a process of becoming and I wanted to let myself be transported by a continuous and unpredictable flow.

I found myself within the situation and I wasn’t trying to govern it,

I let my Self be moved, I surrendered.

When I am performing I am in a therapeutic level. I do try to transform something from its negative to its positive through actions towards the public.(NF) Even though we are not using performance art as therapy, we are not supposed to, we are not qualified to, it has some therapeutic aspects to it at some levels and I am aware that I am using it in my own personal life. You are using your body not only as a tool, but as a terrain, as a battlefield and addressing phobias is a good way to be aware of the body, because you become aware of its fragility. (ADR)

It dealt with an aspect of loss. (HC)

It is part of life… Tied to the gestural action, to the preciousness your feel of yourself, or a body, or a relationship, or an experience lived personally. Art needs to make you identify with what it wants to say, with the mind, with the spirit and heart. (NF)

How much more marvellous and essential, of synthesis, direct, a punch to the stomach, no filters. (JK)

It is just an ongoing investigation (ADR) of addressing things that our minds have problems with: it touches you at a visceral level, and that is a way of getting people to think about it. (DQ)

It is an open exercise in dealing with difficulties, especially when you are dealing with something that can be really difficult to perceive, it’s a good exercise for understanding other people’s perception, too.

Many times we forget about what the audience perceives or what they want to perceive, and sometimes it is interesting to work with things that are difficult to perceive for the audience, too, because there is always someone in the audience that can do that and others that can’t. Many of the things I address come from my daily experience, and how the understanding of one another can be faulty in many ways or incomplete, and I feel the need of addressing these issues, maybe just to provide some other perspective. And sometimes that change of perspective can be very useful for an audience, to see something that they haven’t seen before. Art is a communication tool really. It is a form that can create ways of communicating with each other, in unexpected ways, complex ways, lots of ways. If there is no communication I think performance art would be empty. Performance art creates a temporary situation in which people can be real but disconnected from reality, and that breaks some of the barriers people have. (ADR)

It’s about place. You are bringing everybody together in that place and giving to them a way to interact with one another in a way they never have before. Really creating a new kind of space. (LC)

It’s a different language. (JK)

So then you realise that it is a common language, which maybe has something to do with a collective common imaginary. (K)

I think it is the only language that enables you to express your Self with authenticity and without added filters. I had a necessity of extreme truth in terms of my own personal life, and through art I found the way to express my Self without suffering. The moment I live the creative experience I feel like I am living in the right dimension.

Everything recomposes in equilibrium, harmoniously. (K)

It can lead to failure, but failure isn’t failure if you think of it in terms of growth. (ADR)

James McAllister. Photograph © Edward Smith.

I wanted to work with people, to be in touch with people…

I studied human beings, and this was so interesting. Our task was to study, to see what the problems are… we had to learn how to see, to look at people, to learn what they could have.

I see the strength of people. I see the strength of the body… loosing blood while keeping concentration… how strong the body is... So then I wondered:

“What is the most fragile?”

And then I thought: “Yes... relations... society, how to cope for example with strains, with this energy…

This is the most fragile… relations... what we try to do really is to strengthen relationships.” (SW) And to rediscover ourselves socially, not in places of worship, socialising or business transactions, but a shared art making creates a safe space to discover each other potential— an inward turning of outward creative energies. (DQ)

It gives space to more direct relationships, as opposed to the daily mundanity, which is based a lot on the flattening of conversations, flattening of time, which always runs short anyway, so then here your are giving your Self, your time, you go back to a way of relating that is normal, before or beyond contemporaneity.

It gives space to be able to accept that which I went through with the energy that the public gives back. This freedom from negativity I find it to be an experiential exchange of love. (NF)

I wanted to use something that is personal and social at the same time, almost anyone has some sort of phobia.( ADR)

But the necessity doesn’t lie in needing to talk about one’s Self, but to express the message, which in us is entrusted. Revealing one’s Self, revealing one’s own fragility somehow gives you strength because not hiding your own discomfort which in any case you are constantly afraid of it being revealed, gives you awareness... And awareness is everything. (K)

When we release something, we lose this sense of judgment. (SV)

Seeing their emotion, the trembling of their voices… their breath even, under the gaze of the public. (K)

You are tackling immaterial fragile relationships… And because you need to engage the audience somewhat directly, fragility has to be seen… but what happens if you don’t see anything, if you just perceive something. For some people that perception can be interesting but for some people it does nothing, that too can happen. (ADR)

I don’t know how far it goes once it leaves the room… (LC)

OK so what’s for dinner? (DQ)

Douglas Quin and Lorne Covington. Photograph © Alexander Harbaugh.

I know that things that touched me deeply in my life I still remember and have coloured my perspective, so hopefully what happens when they leave the room, who knows, you touch them in some sort of way. (LC)

It is my strong belief that something very special can happen between people, where you have to be very present both as an audience and as an artist, and there is something about our world that kind of prevents you from doing that; a lot of the time we build up resistance to that and I think performance is one of those strategies we can employ to break down the border, to

Feel. Again. Together. (HC)

In Ecce (H)omo (by Kyrahm) there is a woman in the second room.

She is listening to her partner’s tapes:

Love messages.

She was with her for 23 year.

You are there with her, your back to the wall, facing this woman’s profound love.

So I am showing you this sentiment, and this can be far more effective than a debate on the meaning of love (and the violation of human rights when societal structures neglect this on the basis of categorisations.) (ARP) Therefore, at a certain point art and activism meet and it is this, being able to use effective ways and enable the public to reach the same conclusions, vehicled by a different language, that of the heart that enabled this connection, between everyone. (K)

It is based on the simple biology of osmosis, you have a concentration of saline solution and a membrane and a concentration of lower saline solution, and what happens is the salt passes through the membrane, it is what happens in our cells, the salt passes through the membrane until the concentration of salinity are equal, that is what I think is I’m trying to look at.

I aspire to creating some sort mechanism where the flow of information in between the artist and the witness is kind of equal, where there is as much coming one way as there is the other, so what I tried to make was a series of apertures through which things would flow in both directions, in a more or less restricted way. (JM)

An encounter between people. (K)

You have this range of intensity of what you can exchange, so the value of that transaction really depends on how much you are willing to put into it. (ARP)

The creation of a link between my Self and the other,

how am I reflected in the other and how they are reflected in me. (ADR)

Sometimes, situations confront you with yourself, in whichever way and then you realise that you have a lot to work on… and the connecting link here is this recognised belief that everything is so fragile, and that we are not perfect, and that we need to connect, and we need to share, and we need to understand one another. (ARP)

Confrontation requires a great effort. (K)

some people were eager to discuss this

some people didn’t want to address it at all

and some people even rejected it. (ADR)

No matter what you feel, the very fact that you won’t understand it, that you want to reject it...

It is already too late because I planted a seed in you. (PRS)

Leisa Shelton-Campbell and Marilyn Arsem. Photograph © Claudia Popovici.

Art is a peaceful rebellion. (NF)

A form of resistance.

There are various forms of resistance. (JK)

There is no attention to the individual, which could be a universe of its own, categorical to nothing. I could even choose to be a completely transparent being, indefinable, that daily morphs its own gender, its own identity, this too can exist...

Yet convictions of what society expects from you, that perform a function, can at some point become very strong shackles of social control and to live the experience of deconstructing and re-inventing who you are (K) has to do with self-determination: I define myself based on what I feel, not based on what is imposed on me.

And the political act is that to show one’s Self for who you are, and the language of performance art is that of the body, which in any case is true to itself. A person is born with a body, like we all do and this body is ‘described’ based on notions of gender. Human society has prerequisites, it has rules; that everything should return to a gender binary. (JK) There is no acknowledgment of the various infinite shades of identity. (K) Society still expects a boy or a girl. (JK)

A society still highly patriarchal, catholically conditioned and controlled, and it shows through these issues. (K)

It has to do with the amount of differences that each individual is being exposed to – culturally, mentally, religiously spiritually; suddenly everything enters your sphere of how the other lives and it can be threatening because we are so basic, we are so simple and we need comfort, we need stability and the moment it is disrupted you instil this sense of fear; it takes a lot of self-deconstruction to be able to realise what is the faulty key in the system, in relationships, in society, but in order to do that you have to present a model or to inspire a means of communication that is uncharted, and to see it objectively

and that is really difficult because you are also part of it. (ADR)

Artivism if you may. (K)

Activism has a lot to do with reclaiming.

A neglected right that I reclaim, so most often there is a contraposition where these situations create conflicts and internal ones, too, because what I see in the world, my partner sees differently, and so you create a conflict based on differences.

The dynamic of the message is something else, and the main difference here is that in art there is no counterattack. There is feeling, there is enabling a condition to be felt, and that may just as well bring people closer, despite their clashing ideologies. Activism is frequently tied to the contrast in ideologies; in art ideologies don’t reign, there is the human experience, there is life, there is death, there is sickness, there is joy, there is love, there is suffering.

But this suffering, I try to share... there is sharing, yes, so it is a different approach that tends to shorten gaps, or perhaps even widen them, at an emotive level, because effectively I can distance myself from a strong emotion, but it is a peaceful reaction. (JK)

So rather than just talking about statistics or climate change as a political problem or an issue, I think it is important to appeal to people’s senses and emotions rather than just their intellect, so people can hear and not just be overwhelmed by data of how quickly the ice is melting or what have you…

So, what does it sound like?... (DQ)

Is that a voice? Is that the wind? (LC)

How do we relate?

We relate to one another through sight, through sound, through touch…

Alexander Del Re. Photograph © Edward Smith.

So I think the sensory engagement is a very important part of the message rather than just a data dump where people can feel overwhelmed and a bit helpless.

It becomes art as a social interaction.

The ultimate goal for us, is self-awareness but also awareness of what’s out there. (DQ)

So with all this raising of awareness, the need to communicate these ideas (because art in a way is just another tool for communication) everyone is craving answers, everyone is craving solutions, so what should an audience go home with? (ADR)

That human voices are part of a fabric of many voices. (DQ)

As an artist you can provide possibilities, ideas, or questions that can be tackled differently, and I you can rethink possibilities but I don’t think there is a solution that I can provide. (ADR)

Part of the contract of the piece is how you relate to each other and not just to the work. People then become aware of their own behaviour, and aware of other people, and that is the key for us. That you become more self-aware but also more aware of other people.

That it’s not just me, I, we, it’s us.

That dynamic is really beautiful, and people get it when they start paying attention. (DQ)

That difference of active engagement. So this is about layers of responsibility, of people’s desire to engage to take time, to go in and say “oh yep, got it” or to chose to go in and have a relationship and bid your time and to make the transaction, which some people really did, and when you see it all there, you get this really clear representation of humans.

Here we all are, here it all is. The levels with which we transact our relationships.

And that is very telling. (LSC)

An ongoing investigation of human relations. (ADR)

And now when I see people talking about progress, in my personal experience we have not progressed at all. So for me the issue of race in America is something that I experience first hand, so when I hear people philosophise or talk about these issues from this hypothetical or statistical point of view, and not understanding the experience and how it plays out, it sometimes infuriates me.

If we can postulate that human beings are free by nature, but that freedom requires a moral and intellectual responsibility, and if we live in a society where so many of us are struggling and starving while so few have so much, then what I do know is that this society is not free. So if someone says that we are scared of freedom, it means we are scared to fighting against something, because if we reach humanity that means that people won’t be in prisons, people won’t be starving, we’d be taking care of each other. I don’t know what freedom is, but I think that is what it would look like, maybe it is utopian. I think we are in a pre-revolutionary phase now, and unfortunately that’s where a lot of people don’t like me because I describe myself as an anarchist and an active nihilist. I believe that you have to burn down in order to rebuild. First and foremost, we have to organise.

I think the poor have to organise, the black have to organise around the globe, and I think everyone else will organise around, and that is why I use blackness as a political means to activate revolution. But I don’t think we would want to do that because we are constricted or tied down or bound by need, so we need things to look like this, we need our cars, we need our nice clothes, we need our bars, we need to sit in big comfort, so that is why I think the brilliance of capitalism and globalisation is that it has us conditioned, and that is how we remain slaves, so it might seem impossible, and it is impossible if we think it is impossible. We are scared of being failures, it is this conditioning, fear of being ostracised. “What do you mean you don’t have this or that?” So I think it is that condition where in essence we are perpetuating our own slavery. (PRS)

Even failure is a good thing to experience, but of course it is difficult to embrace failure, you are not supposed to, that is the problem. (ADR)

What is not freedom –

That we live like this is not freedom. We have to crush the blocks, all of them, and I think they reflect issues of sexuality, race, religion, culture, we have to question everything; all these things that we don’t want to question, all these institutions, they have to be challenged, so how far do we want to go? I am hopeful about younger generations, but at the same time

I don’t think they will be as radical; it is difficult for white children to free themselves from privilege. It’s always our responsibility to be vigilant and to stand up against the powers. And I think that to co-opt and to be a part of the system, takes over at a certain point because it is called responsibility, it is called adulthood, there are many ways to try to get the youth to change their minds. So I think it is always a thing that when people are young they are radical, they are standing for the date, they believe in freedom, they believe in these things and it is not fair to blame them, it happens with every generation. It is hard to break free.

It is hard for anybody to standalone.

And hear people talk about you and call you crazy.

I think generally humans want to love each other, or they try, but I think there is a flaw in humanity. (PRS)

And art is a tool, a social weapon. (NF)

I have encountered racism many times. Maybe more subtly, but still I experience racism every day, since the structure of our society is racist. It might not be personal to me, but still the whole structure of the society influences me as well. The stronger you are in your own history, the stronger you will seem. They listen to you because they see that there is a connection, they might not understand that but they see that something is there. I don’t expect people to do it overnight, it takes time, I’m still trying to decolonize myself, I’m not there at all and it is an ongoing thing because it is so rooted in our structures, deep into ourselves, it takes a long time, I wonder if it will be in my lifetime… and that is what I’m trying to do,

I hope that it can have an impact, that it can help people see alternatives and to move on in different directions. I am also educating myself all the time; so it is a long journey, not tiring at all, but there is a lot of work to do, for myself but also for the community as well, for the nation. (JE)

What does it mean to decolonise? (ARP)

It’s a matter of choices, its a matter of possibilities, it is a long-term work, you can’t really do it like this, I don’t know what the future will look like but I just hope that my work and what we are all doing here, is capable of changing the mindset of people, so we can have a future with more equality. It doesn’t have to be this way, the society is a structure, it is a European structure, the way it looks now. There are so many other pre-Columbian societies that looked different, not that I want us to go back to being in the jungle, but the mindset and the perception of the world could be very different, and still we could evolve and move forward in new ways. So that is what I’m trying to do, that my work will at least inspire people to think outside the box. And now we are having so much gender talk, and we are trying to give voice to so many different perceptions of what it is to be a human being.

Life is so full of nuances,

and why don’t we allow them to be there, why don’t we allow all these voices to be heard, but that is the structure that we live in, and that is the colonial structure, that it has to be one way, but the colonial structure that is in power of the world is just a structure, it could be different, it could be another structure. (JE)

It has to do with our education and the history taught across the spectrum globally is or has been authoritarian in some way. The artist’s voice is a way to deconstruct that, to say that there are histories out there and they should be prominent too. It doesn’t mean that if it is written in a history book that it is OK, because it has been published, because, the first thing that people say is “I didn’t hear that, where did you find that information, I didn’t read that.” So then that makes my story not a part of history. The thing is, you have to go on with this conversation. People throw it at you like a spit in the face, “OK I have you now and I am going to make you converse with me, I am going to make you learn how to talk…” Because a lot of people are afraid of their own memory. I see this in Germany, in Berlin, there hasn’t been this exercise of memory, they had to deal with so much since WWII, and so only specific things have been put there... Because it is too much, so there hasn’t been this exercise of memory. It should not be about victimisation, it should be about empowering all communities and being aware of it.

So the first thing that happens is that there is rejection…

Three months later the same person calls me and says,

I’ve been thinking about it…

I see it this way now.

That is history right there, I don’t need to publish it in a book. That is my reality, your reality, our reality, and that is real. I don’t need Sarkozy to tell me that Africa hasn’t entered history yet. You know? Come on… So it is very necessary.

So first I’m telling you the story you know, I’m only speaking in words, but the performance, that says everything because it transcends all of it. I don’t even need to speak, and you understand it and it’s you. It’s not about me huh. It’s about you, you are decolonizing your own body your own mind, your own history and this takes a lifetime… It is not just nine months, it is your whole life. (NB)

I’ve been thinking about this question for many years, especially when I am addressing these very sensitive and important issues, which are really relevant in some contexts. So I started to rethink some of the projects that I had based on that, also given the feedback that arose from the interactions which was so relevant that it changed the whole project. So I decided to use it as a tool, because I didn’t want to impose some idea, criteria or vision onto another human being without incorporating the feedback of other people’s point of view. (ADR) My responsibility is to keep doing what I do, and keep revealing and manifesting this cultural narrative and to educate myself so that I can be here and be here the way that I want to be, but I think it is everybody’s responsibility to educate themselves, to know where we are coming from, and to open up and get out of this colonial narrative and structure. Especially for white people it is really necessary to let go of this narrative and listen to those other voices, because there is so much to learn. Because most of the time this whole history is seen as a burden of the black people and not of whites, but it is actually a burden of the whites, too. It is so necessary for whites to let go of this structure. (JE)

I believe that responsibility never ends. Because you are an artist, you are a person, a citizen, you are fundamentally a human being, and so it is an ethical matter, and ethic doesn’t have an off switch, it is something that I carry with me constantly. It is a constant questioning of whether you are behaving in an ethical way, and of course we are humans, so we make mistakes, we even do things which we are ashamed of, otherwise the world would be a different world. And I think that paying attention, if we are able to do so, if you are able to live with the same intensity you live a performance or a theatrical act, even the most mundane aspects of human life when it comes to relationships and respect, you will have a richer life, a beauty not of aesthetics but a beauty of fulfilment that can give meaning to your life. (JK)

The responsibility of the individual is to rebel, no matter what.

What happens in a slave society, is that people don’t understand the power of the individual voice and the responsibility of this individual voice. Under these oppressed positions the way it is designed is that we are dependent upon the very system that is suppressing us, and this is why I compare racial slavery to capitalism. What they replaced with slavery (via capitalism) is something far more nefarious and far more oppressive, which is need. So we feel like we need this situation, because we have this idea of capitalism, we fetishise the Dollar, or the Euro or whatever, so our relationship to money is that we need money to live and that’s not the case. Money is a piece of paper, so our lives are invested in pieces of paper that we feel conditioned to strive for, when in fact if everyone said “Fuck this, this piece of paper doesn’t mean anything” then the system would fall, it would stop; but we fetishise, and we are taught that. So I think that the individual’s job is to see through and to sacrifice themselves, and I think that we don’t understand is that no matter how many of us want to just live our lives and be safe and secure, in order to get free you have to sacrifice, you have to be willing to die for it, because no one is going to give it to you, because the thing that we don’t understand in this capitalistic situation is that it is spreading throughout the world and it is predatory. It is designed to just crush the poor. That’s not democracy, that’s not freedom by any stretch of the imagination. So we are free no more than free-range chickens; you place animals on the farm and you just let them roam, but you are waiting to fatten them up for the slaughter house, like cows. You just put grass there and they won’t leave, you don’t even need to put fences up – and that is where we are, circumscribed by need. This is what we have to break out of, this idea that we need this way of life. Because what we don’t seem to understand is that, in fact, it’s this reality that is actually poisoning us all.

So what you are starting to see now is that there are these pockets or groups of indigenous people in different areas and I feel they all have power, and share equal responsibility (as human beings) in this struggle. For example, Native Americans are fighting to protect the land. We all have a responsibility to stand and fight with them. The strength and struggle of black people (black people have always been known around the globe as the sufferers of racial and systematic oppression) is to stand and fight to abolish the oppressive system of white supremacy – I’m specifically speaking to the construct of race and the economic institution of capitalism, and I feel that if the rest of the world identified with the black struggle then we could all come together, but so often people think that the black struggle is anti-whiteness, as opposed to looking at it like: if poor people oppressed everywhere saw what was happening to black people is inevitably happening to all of us, then you could connect. So I use blackness as a means to liberate.

Yes, first and foremost my goal is to try and liberate my own people, to wake up my people, but at the same time if black people in general are the key to everyone’s liberation, people see it, because we were the ones that were on the first row of oppression, so we saw it. So if you see that and you align with that then we start building, once you build though – and that is the thing that we don’t understand is that inevitably the enemy is going to reveal itself to you, and they are not going to give it up without a fight – but if we build together we outnumber them. But we are too scared of seeing that; if we build together the rich, the powerful, the status quo, they cannot withstand such an onslaught. But we will have to be willing to die, so I think the only way that this is going to end unfortunately is in revolution. You are talking about nations that hold power through war, so they are not going to give it up, but I think that as long as people stay afraid and say, well we have to honour the civil society, then we are always going to be enslaved. And the richer slaves too, and that’s what they don’t understand, because this is not the nature of our humanity. Our nature as human beings is freedom. We are the manifestation of freedom, so if we are not living free we are all slaves. But the rich don’t care about being slaves, they don’t care about the environment, they don’t care about women’s rights, they don’t care about equal rights for everybody. They care about their rights, and so they will do anything to hold on to that. So the responsibility of the individual is to rebel, so in my work I’m always calling up “Wake up slaves, why don’t you rebel!”

That’s what I think the responsibility of the artist is, to use that power to change the perspectives of people – even if it is difficult and also “to reflect the society.” As an artist, you can’t just go around entertaining. You have this gift, you have this power, you have this voice, so it is your responsibility to stand. And I think that artists right now in the world are the last that can stand, that can say something and change things, but I don’t think it is going to happen as long as art is cloistered away in galleries… (for consumerism), so it’s a reflection of the very society that we are living in, because the artist is so enslaved by the idea of capitalisms. The saddest thing I’ve ever seen is when I look at art in galleries cause it reminds me of animals in zoos, cause the power is taken out of it. It is like the bear over the hearth, the hunter kills the beast and the head is its trophy, so I think art kind of lives in that situation where the artists are thirsty and feel like “Oh I have to work, I have to eat and my value, my validation relies in the capitalist who buys.” So we are traded, we are commodified and our works are as objects. So I don’t think that is radical, the responsibility of the artist is to take it to the street, is to find new ways to disrupt this, to find new ways of revolutionise the society around them, and yes that can be taken the wrong way, it's like saying “What good is it to reason with slaves about freedom,” and when you talk about the phenomenology of reason – we have the gift but we are not reasoning, we are not living free, and we are okay being slaves; that's not freedom.

And some people think that doing something in the streets isn't going to change anything; there are many layers to revolutionary struggle and we have to connect the dots. The artist has a role in social change and activism but unfortunately many artists think of themselves as “I'm an artist and not an activist.”

And that’s a problem, that we aren't dealing with politics. I don't even care about being accepted in the performance art community, that's just accidental. I don't even like the term art, so I feel that the artist's responsibility is to wake up and to radicalise society, and you have to radicalise and revolutionise the minds first so the society around us has to be awake. If you’re not awake and if you're not pushing them to be awake, then they are not going to do anything. So I think the artist can do that, but then we have to be able to connect everybody. We have the responsibility of the farmer, the teacher, of the educator, everyone has a role but we have to see that and connect in order to build something of “whatever your passion is it should be the tool for your liberation.” (PRS)

And journeying through life based on a desire you had during childhood is a process of liberation. (K)

And it is easy for the white person to say it is universal.

So if I’m black, and I’m talking about these issues, but you are stuck on my blackness, my black perspective, does that not make it universal, or does it mean that you just don’t have the ability to allow yourself to go through the blackness to see your Self, this affects me too…

I can only free me and that is responsibility of the individual, I cannot free you. But what I can do is set an example and spark something in you where you say: “You know what, I’m going to free myself, too.” Then we can work together, but I can’t free everybody, I can’t do that, because many people will be like: “Yeah, I want to get free, too” but it’s easier for people to stay in a group, but people standing in a group sometimes do it for different reasons, because its fashionable, its cool… And they essentially become co-opted because what a lot of these people are looking for, is acceptance and validation through what they claim they are trying to fight against. So the responsibility is to go on a journey and to find what is liberation, what is freedom, so they have to find it for themselves, and they have to try to fight to get there. And ultimately I feel that people are not going to go that far.

Radical is dealing with the root, eradicating the root. (PRS)

I think one of the good tests you can have as an artist is the perception of the audience, because the audience can sense what is real, what is truth and not in a very instinctive way, and I think the audience is the best way to measure that because as humans we can sense this directly. (ADR)

It is easy to absorb a small amount and walk on and look at the next thing, particularly at an exhibition, but I think, generally, an audience member actually wants more than that. They want a really substantial…. really they want is a transformative experience that they very rarely get, so they don’t expect it. (JM)

It’s like with any artistic experience, you have to be open; if you come with pre-judgment then you will leave with nothing. But if you come in with an open heart then you can have a great experience, regardless of who you are.

It’s about being present and paying attention. It is so undervalued, and that is all you can ask really:

A moment of presence.

We’ve been very interested in the idea of being present and of having agency; being aware that you are changing things. On a simple level it is just being aware of your place in the world. And from the artistic context here, just being aware that you are changing things, as we are always changing things. (DQ)

You are moving in the world and the world is responding to you. (LC)

And if you close your eyes and listen, it is a completely different experience. (ARP)

In this very moment of human history you need something else, you need to create questions rather than saying: “This is the solution, don’t worry, don’t confront.” I don’t want the piss the audience off but I want to create something with the audience that can be disturbing or complex or whatever, but the audience has to resolve some situation, or else it means nothing. It is very easy to see some traditional performances where the body is doing some actions, and the actions are created well, beautifully, and that is it. Then you’ve had a beautiful experience, not to say that it is not needed, you need that too, it is part of life, but it is not the only thing you need. (ADR) That is the sort of transformation of art in our times, it serves as a social conversation for a way of being in the world. (DQ)

The privilege of being an artist is of having this vocation and being able to reach people with this. (NF)

So how do you use your privilege, how do you check your privilege, how do you really challenge yourself?

Really put your privilege where your mouth is.

If you care, really do the work,

by being very open and honest with yourself,

really take the time to look at what is around you (PRS)

to encourage… the most beautiful part here:

how people are adapting, the way people are looking, with curiosity, with respect, with so much humanity. This is the most beautiful aspect of the whole VENICE INTERNATIONAL PERFORMANCE ART WEEK.

It is a little social island of where relationships can strengthen… (SW)

And so what it is enabling are these layers of people becoming better people. (LSC)

There is a lot of cooperation between all involved, no matter their social role within the project and that is a model that is so inspiring… If you can just take a fragment of the message and transpose that into daily life, I think the purpose has been fulfilled. It’s not about the works that are being shown, but about the understanding that is elicited in the viewers… (ARP) There are trapped doors into alternative worlds, in the end it’s about these incredible bodies, rubbing up against each other, and what meanings we make together, and I think artistic work of all kinds creates the opportunities for that, which means that I’m on the lookout for these special encounters because I believe they do come between us all the time… (HC)

Breath, life, the meaning of breath, losing the breath, fragile body,

Breath is really the one thing that makes us the most

Fragile and it is the first to the last thing we’ll ever do as humans.

And when that last breath comes (JM)

It is an exhalation (LSC)

My job is

To plant seeds (PRS)

#interview #aisha ryannon pagnes #preach r sun #susanne weins #kyrahm #leisa shelton #james mcallister #julius kaiser #alexander del re #nicola fornoni #douglas quin #saso vollmaier #helen cole #lorne covington #jeannette ehlers #nathalie bikoro

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tourlouxx · 7 years ago

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A rant to whoever is listening

So this is going to be a long post about myself

I am 17 years old and strongly doubting my sexuality. I guess that’s a good place to start.

About a year ago I fell in love with my best friend. Our friendship never reached the official relationship status but I was in love. She was dealing with some shit, so was I, we started fighting a lot, things from our past came crashing down upon our heads, we ended up calling it quits and I was heartbroken. At the time, I thought it was safe to say that I was bi. Simple right? I liked a girl, I have like boys before, nothing complicated...right?

Well, in the midst of the shit show that was the end of that relationship, I was really depressed. It was a combination of my abrupt change of school, me doubting who I was and just shit I had kept to myself for years that started bubbling up. I think it’s safe to say that my grades weren’t the best either. I wasn’t failing anything but I’ve always been a straight A student so my parents would’ve noticed something was up. Instead of them finding out on Review Day I decided to tell them myself. Yes, I was doubting my sexuality and I liked my best friend and I was sad all the time and I was tired of being sad all the time. My parents were great at the time. They told me they loved me regardless of who I liked and offered to get me professional help for my depression, which I took and helped me so much.

But regardless of all the help, only time cures a broken heart. And it did, eventually. But after I realized I was over her the doubts on my sexuality came back “was it only with her? Why can’t I relate to other gay people? Why do I feel out of place in this community? Why can’t I say confidently that I’m gay or bi or whatever?”

It’s been quite a bit to deal with, not to mention this doubt comes with all the pressure of being a teenager, all the doubt on where your life is going and what you are supposed to act like and who you’re supposed to be. Not to mention that since last year every time the topic of my sexuality comes up my parents disregarded it as probably a face and the thing they repeated like a broken record was “YOU ARE TOO YOUNG” or as it translated in my head “WE ARE OK WITH YOU BEING GAY BUT WE HOPE YOU AREN’T”. Also, they didn’t let me go to Pride.

I pushed it all back because that’s what I'm best at, but BOY DID THAT NOT WORK. It came crashing down and the mess that I was manifested itself in the form of me lying to my parents, going to a forbidden party, getting drunk, making out with a boy and hurting one of my closest friends in the process. Why did I hurt him? He had feelings for me and I still made out with someone else right in front of him. I know it’s not really my fault, we are not a thing, but still... bitch move.

I felt like shit and I realized it was time for some deep self-reflection. So I thought about everything that had let me to that place, I did research, found gay youtubers, heard their stories, found the term “femme-lesbian” something I actually related to, I realized I needed to clear things up with my ex-best friend and I do. I called her and told her everything, how I felt and how I wanted her in my life as a friend, how I was doubting shit so much and to my great surprise...She told me she was attracted to me too and one of the reasons why we broke up was because we were too fucking confused on what we were because it wasn’t a relationship, but it was so much more than just a friendship because we loved each other so deeply. And we finally ended things properly, with love and care and I was so happy. I was so happy that after the call ended I cried, I cried and I cried. I cried so much because things finally ended the way they were supposed to. I cried because she was still a part of my life and she always will be. I cried because it was the first time I felt truly comfortable with the term “gay”.

But nothing can ever be perfect and this was no exception. Somewhere in the middle of the call my dad walked in and saw me crying, so, naturally, parents do as parents do and interrogated me the next morning. Now, “interrogated” may be too strong a word but I’m not buying that they would’ve respected my privacy after I told them who was on the other end of the line. So I told them about the call(not the gay part) and I let them know VERY CLEARLY that I am unhappy with telling them. Because I was, this was BIG for me and I was still processing shit, but, as we all know, parents always know better (sarcasm) so of course they had to know.

In response to all of this, I decide to go spend some time with my grandma in a small town where time moves slowly, so slowly I could swear this town is like a time machine that transports you back to the 70s. Like honestly. But towns like these are perfect for the self-reflection I was looking to get and that’s what I did. Gay, gay, gay. The more I said it the more comfortable I felt with it. Gay, gay, gay.

And again, my parents fucked it all up. Upon returning to my house after a week of self-reflecting my parents had somehow found out about the party. Yep. Fuck. I tell them everything except the drinking part I tell them that I’ve been strongly doubting my sexuality and that I think I can finally say I’m gay. And what their response “YOU’RE TOO YOUNG”, also they were horrified I made out with a boy that wasn’t my boyfriend “Oh heavens. I’m a heathen and I have sinned. I should become a nun and confess my sins!!!!” What are those sins? Oh right, acting like a 17-year-old. They also interrogated my, actually this time, and started drilling me with awkward questions about my sexuality I was not ready to answer. Again, I was processing, but they must be all knowing if not they are terrible parents(sarcasm, again). My doubt came back.

Before that conversation, I was ready to ask my parents for an appointment with my psychologist to talk to her about everything. After, I was pretty fucking discouraged. My dad finds out I no longer want a date with my psychologist and he freaks out. He proceeds to tell me that he will love me no matter who I love but he wants that answer to be accompanied by a professional opinion. and he feels that my backing out from the appointment is a step back. Yeah, asshole it is. Because you made me back out, dick. He also proceeds to tell me that he is afraid I may have an obsessive compulsive disorder with gay people because he opened my computer twice and both times Yuri on Ice fan fiction was open so naturally, I AM OBSESSED WITH GAY PEOPLE RIGHT? THAT MUST BE IT !!!! It can’t be that I just really like the show because of its good characters, noooooooooo. I am OCD with gay people. Because I’ve watched gay youtubers and I once watched Chumel Torres’ great piece on homophobia. It can’t be that I’m looking for things to relate to or that I just want to keep informed, noooooooooo I HAVE TO BE OCD FOR GAY PEOPLE.

I then explain to him that not long ago I was doing the same with SW, and before that with Marvel and how that is homophobic as shit. Everyone who has followed me long enough knows one of my favorite ships is Kanera, a straight ship, look through my blog, I’ve written fanfiction about them.I am a teenager I have obsessions. It’s bullshit and I’m pissed. I agreed to go to the psychologist to shut them up. But I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how many of you actually end till the end but thank you for doing that.

bye

#homophobia #sw #yuri on ice #parenting #fml #ugh fml #marvel

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ozsaill · 7 years ago

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Dissecting a passage: Bonaire to Colombia

This dreaded passage unleashed one true horror. It was not a failure in rigging or other key systems. It was not the feared washing machine sea state. No, it was the ugly reality of unclogging a toilet while sailing at 9+ knots!

That awful job aside, almost everything else on the passage went very smoothly. Weather variance remained on the pleasant side of the forecast, and factors less easily predicted (namely, katabatic winds) were mild. Totem flew along, averaging over 200 miles per day towards landfall in a little over two days. About the most eventful thing that happened was when we were circled a few times by a very curious and official looking helicopter about 7 miles west of Bonaire… as photographed buzzing Utopia, above.

What did we do well?

Careful planning, which included a lot more than just a route plan and the right weather window

Patience to wait for good weather!

Adapting the plan to suit conditions

Anticipating sail handling at night or in rough conditions

Remembering local effects

What could we have done better?

Fish.

OK, so we did the fishing thing exceptionally poorly by not actually putting any lines out (truth be told). We were going kinda fast for mahi, which I’d have guessed our catch, as we have miserable luck with tuna. On the other hand, Utopia DID catch a tuna: and this is all that was left when they reeled it in… ripped out from the gills back. Oh, that would have been some spectacular sashimi!

Really though, it was great!

The longer route we planned ran about 416 nautical miles from Bonaire’s mooring field in Kralendijk to the Marina Santa Marta in Colombia. Meals were prepped ahead, just in case… it was nice to just heat & eat. Smooth conditions made a lot of reading time… and time to catch shooting stars on night watch, under clear skies. Shooting stars filled my night watch once the waxing moon set and a carpet overhead shone with a brilliance you can only get from the open ocean’s absence of light pollution. As the tall Sierra Nevada range came into view, a gust of wind brought the rich humus smell of landfall with an intensity I’ve rarely felt after a week at sea, much less a couple of days, a hint of the lushness that awaits.

We have the highly unusual tendency to pace very closely to Utopia II on passages. It’s close enough that we actually have to be kind of careful – when you’re in the ocean, two boatlengths is at least a dozen boatlengths too close for comfort, especially at night! Adjusting course to avoid an unwanted encounter with our buddy boat… that’s a first.

Vessel traffic was minimal, but enough to require a close eye on the radar and AIS. Both proved useful when a ship loomed on a course for direct collision that closed remarkably quickly based on boat speeds and the face we were headed directly at each other. Whatever you want to say about the “rules” of the road, mass wins every time; I appreciate the mate of the 117 meter long tanker who altered course to pad our nearest distance with a comfortable mile of separation.

Hindsight, and changes from the plan

The crew of Rhapsody snapped us departing Bonaire the morning of the 26th. (Turns out that means we missed Second Christmas in Bonaire – which is a THING!).

I am REALLY going to miss my morning swims with Sarah & Bob from Rhapsody!

Jamie wrote this summary below on what shifted from our original plan (see the Passage Planning blog post for details), a follow up to the exercise we posed for coaching clients. Pardon the wobbly mouse illustrations annotating this OpenCPN screenshot to help illustrate.

1. Route change

Based on anecdotal info about sea state, I tweaked original plans and set the route to 50 miles offshore instead of 40. Note the thin line that more or less parallels the blue portion of the chart. The line marks the 1000 meter (330 feet) depth contour – outside is 2000 – 3000 meters, this is the continental shelf where significant depth change can contribute to further sea state unpleasantness as water piles up.

2. Conditions

a. Wind: consistently ENE. I expected a slight change to E, but didn’t happen.

b. Ocean current: the Caribbean current was strong, as expected, and very much in align with forecast position.

c. Waves: by reputation, waves were going to define this passage. There were six distinct phases:

Bonaire to north end of Curacao waves were normal wind driven waves up to 2 meters.

From north end of Curacao to the northernmost point of continental shelf was SLOPPY! Why? Wind from NNE makes wind waves from the same direction. Strong current is perpendicular to wind waves AND causing bunched up water from islands in the way and huge depth change. This made for 100 miles of confused seas from multiple directions. Fortunately, we were there in good conditions with a full 24 hours since stronger winds and bigger waves – so it was lumpy but manageable.

Once north of the continental shelf, waves became patterned and regular wind waves again. A route over the continental shelf (close to shore) would be miserable!

Because sea state was fine, you can see that we cut the gybe corner a little to reduce sailing distance. Good sea state continued after the gybe, so we continued to shave more distance (remaining inside of the planned route).

We had delightful conditions, wind and waves, all the way to the cape, just 4 miles from destination. I’ll talk about that below.

3. Sailing

a. Leg 1 was 220NM on starboard tack, beam reaching. Very fast sailing and more so with current push. We did 208NM in the first 24 hours.

b. Knowing there was a gybe coming, I tweaked the route some to set timing of gybe to be in daylight. We reached the gybe point at 8AM, furled headsail, eased the preventer, gybed in 20 knots of wind with single reef in the main. Easy.

c. With turn to SW, was clear the sailing angle close to dead-downwind (DDW). So we set up for wind-n-wing. Boom out to starboard with preventer on and single reef; genoa poled out to port.

d. We thought wind would shift to E and we would have to take pole down to be fully on port tack, but the shift didn’t really happen – there was a little change but we managed wind-and-wing just fine with wind angle at 150 degrees (30 degrees from DDW, wind over port side).

e. At about 50 miles to destination, course shifted further S requiring pole down and gybing the genoa to the starboard side. Likely this would happen in the dark, so before sunset, I checked all lines to be sure this would go smoothly (OK, I always check them anyway!). This change happened about 4AM and went easily.

f. At 40 miles out, wind was 20 to 25 so put in second reef.

4. Hello, cape!

Route plan, good weather window forecast, and actual weather was as predicted made this an easy and fast passage. It wasn’t all perfect sailing along at 8.5, surfing to 12 knots sailing–although that describes a lot of the passage! But there was also a cape to go around. Always, always, ALWAYS, expect enhanced conditions at a cape.

Approaching the cape just after sunrise was perfect timing for visibility. Land here is mountainous–the Sierra Nevada range here, part of the Colombian Andes, is one of the tallest coastal ranges in the world. Conditions were a wall of gray overland, with a pronounced dark gray band extending to the west, with rain below it. No other visible signs of wind or sea state build at the cape, but to repeat, ALWAYS EXPECT ENHANCED CONDITIONS AT A CAPE!! Totem already had two reefs in the main, but I thought it prudent to partially furl the headsail as well. Turns out, this was a good idea!!! How it played out, and what we did:

a. Wind built from low 20s up to 35 – 42 knots. This is not GRIB predicted effect, rather, compression induced wind build because of mountainous land. [If you remember one thing: GRIBs are not Gospel! There can be more dynamics at play in determining wind force.]

b. Wind waves of two meters towards the WSW, also compressed around the cape and bent around to be perpendicular to the land. And they GREW, both confused and bigger, much bigger.

c. From cape to destination was four miles. For two miles, the waves doubled to four meters with four waves of at least five meters, from dead astern. All waves are not created equally. A five meter swell (dying wave) is gentle. These were waves (building, living) and very aggressive. Even though five meters isn’t a huge wave, it’s plenty big enough for catastrophe.

d. Things can happen very quickly when going down the face (front) of waves driven by strong wind such as these. The very real risk is broaching – getting knocked onto your side, beam to the waves. The boat doesn’t want to go straight down the waves; it wants to peel off one way or the other (water friction and balance of sailplan). Steering well is paramount to managing these conditions. Our autopilot was doing OK, but I felt better boosting its turning speed with hands on the wheel. Totem has a big rudder, so bites in nicely. It was a very exciting (hairy) couple of miles before seas eased to three meters and then two meters on approach to Santa Marta.

Hindsight

Once in Santa Marta, several cruisers came by that chat. Common theme: what a great weather window we had! The past several weeks it’s been blowing 35-40 knots, and gusts have reached up to 60 making conditions outside hellish. On one hand, we played it well. But on the other, a lot of what’s felt in the marina we presume to be katabatic winds – not so predictable for anticipating a weather window. Partly lucky, partly smart, glad to be on the other side of this particular stretch of water.

* * *

The first taste of Colombia yesterday is sweet: friendly staff welcoming us into Marina Santa Marta. In town, colonial buildings with faded elegance and colorful street art. Pedestrian malls lined with restaurants spilling out into streetside tables with busy conversations and delicious aromas. But more about that later – I’ll leave you with a few images from passage.

Sailing into the sunset again: this had such great green flash potential!

Utopia in the distance at dawn, day two

Jamie tethered in at the helm as we get past the cape, while I hide under the dodger – seas NEVER look as big on camera…

Hello, Santa Marta!

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