#ok im posting this before i delete everything in a haze of self doubt

[writersmacchiato]

Reconnected | Todd Anderson

Prompt: Reconnected (we knew each other a long time ago, friends, but things ended badly and now you’re apologizing) + jacket (you’re always taking my jacket but this year I give you one of mine as a present)

Warnings: none but bad writing ;’( 

———

The fluorescent lights shined on your face, casting a warm, twinkling glow over your features. It felt as if time was suspended. Snow fell in gentle sweeps, landing in your hair, and edging you closer to Todd. His arm was wrapped around yours, attention diverted as he talked to his friends. You folded your arms, burrowing your cold nose into his neck. He shivered, stopping mid-sentence as he smiled down at you.

"Cold?"

"Shut up." The words are muffled against his coat.

"I told you to bring a jacket." Todd said. "I literally gave you a jacket last week."

"But, it's different."

"How?"

"It's not yours."

Todd missed the days when you were just there, every moment of his life you were present. At school, you almost never left his side. It was odd to see him without you.

It was odd to be without you.

Things had ended so badly, so swiftly that it left his head spinning. Even now, it hurt to think about. Instead of remembering all the days filled with your smiles and laughs, he remembered the tears in your eyes as you slammed the door behind you. Pictures rattled on the wall from the force. He hadn't seen you since.

He had heard from Meeks and Pitts that you had gone to the same college as them. Little bits of news about you reached him and he clung to each one, despite how pathetic he felt.

. . .

He was the boy next door.

The boy you had fallen in love with so easily. So naturally it was something as simple as riding a bike or tying a shoelace. It made sense.

You would have given everything to hear that laugh of his, the laugh that sounded like sunshine.

So perhaps, when he met Marge, that is why you smiled and pushed down the feelings that ate away at you every night.

He was the boy who had been your companion since the age of three. Life for you was separated into two columns;

Life with Todd and life without Todd.

It was odd to be without him.

He was your constant, your best friend who knew everything about you. Well, everything but one small secret that would be the ruin of your relationship.

It was easy to pretend like you were only his friend and that you weren't in love with him. You had been pretending for years.

The jacket was frayed at the hem of the sleeves, white thread sticking out against the dark denim. It was rough and patchy. No longer having that soft and buttery feel. The inside lining of fleece was still warm, less cushioned, but familiar.

Next to it, was another jacket. A simple jacket that had been worn once. It hasn’t been touched since you left. Todd had given it to you, the Christmas before things changed, so you would stop taking his favorite one. But it wasn’t the same, you still took his denim jacket.

Until tonight, you didn’t know that it was still in your possession. Forgotten and left behind. Despite how much you wanted to pull away, ignore it, there was no denying how many memories it brought back.

A sharp knock on your door shakes you back to focus, fingers brushing away the tears that had gathered.

"You look perfect." You mother beamed, pinning a brooch to your collar before stepping away. "I'm so glad you came down for Christmas. It's been too long without you."

The annual party your parents hosted every year was something dreaded, but the dizzying sparkles and the flowing champagne was enough to lure you home. You missed your family and your old friends.

It was in full swing when you ventured down, keeping to the outskirts of the affairs to avoid unwanted attention. You had been present to greet guests as they came in, answering prying questions about your whereabouts. Everything is a whirl of sparkling necklaces and quiet, empty laughter. Twinkling lights that grow more and more fuzzy with every flute you grab. The music is a backdrop of smooth piano as you drift to the balcony, thankful for the cold air on your flushed skin.

The balcony is quiet, muffling the chatter of inside. It soothes you, the frigid stone beneath your fingers as you overlook the garden in its emptiness. But, it's too cold. The initial relief is quickly fading along with your body heat, and still you can't bring yourself to go back inside and face the frivolities.

You see him.

Todd.

He's walking across the room with hurried steps, trying to look discreet as he makes toward the balcony doors. You feel a rush of panic, feeling foolish as you think of a way to escape.

It didn't occur to you that he would be here. You had seen his brother on a number of occasions, playing the perfect son, but never Todd. Not after...

The balcony is two stories high with only a hedge surrounding the wall. Would you be seriously hurt if you jumped?

The door creaks open, a gust of hot air and a tumble of laughter, before it's quieted once more.

No words are passed. You can't look at him without feeling sick to your stomach.

The silence becomes unbearable, stretching and stretching until it snaps.

"You're wearing glasses again." You said and it’s dumb but that’s all you can think about when you finally peek a glance at him.

It had been a long time since Todd had worn them, his insecurity had him adorning contacts despite your reassurances that he looked great with them on. A voice in the back of your head said that Todd didn't care what you thought of him, he didn't seek your approval.

"I'm sorry."

You wish then you hadn't drank so much champagne, head spinning at his words. Never did you expect to hear that from him.

"For what?"

It's then you look at him, the pink in his cheeks as he avoids your gaze.

He looks like the Todd you remember.

"I don't...For letting you walk away, not saying anything to you after...I'm sorry for how things ended."

And, you dreamt of this. Of Todd coming back to you. Apologizing. So, why do you feel worse? An empty, sinking feeling as you think about what happened.

"It doesn't matter." You're being too aggressive. The bite in your voice is too harsh. Todd looks like you slapped him.

"Then why are you upset?"

"I'm upset because you didn't tell me!"

Todd leans against the couch, fingers clasped together. "I was going to tell you..."

"Were you? I didn't even know you had gone on a date. Charlie told me." You feel tears form, thinking back to what Charlie had nonchalantly said.

-He's on a date with that one girl...Eleanor? He hasn't shut up about her, right?

You remember how Charlie looked at you, as if you would know better than anyone else. You should've. Todd told you everything.

"Did you not trust me?"

"No!" Todd feels oddly panicked, his throat closing as he tries to keep calm but it's hard when you look so devastated. "It felt weird talking about it with you."

"What?"

"It's just you're you..." Todd pauses, cringing after he starts and you fill in the silence.

"Oh."

Really what were you expecting? This hurt more than anything.

"Okay." You're crying. You don't realize until the crack in your voice and Todd moves to sit beside you. "Don't. Okay, I get it."

You get up, wiping your cheeks with the denim of your sleeve. Before you can change your mind, you leave, slamming the door harder than you meant to.

“I’m sorry too.”

And, then it’s all out there. What more can you say? He may look like your Todd from before, but he’s not. Things aren’t the same. Words don’t flow easily anymore, there is no way to overcome this distance that has separated you for so long.

“Did you ever go on another date with her?”

It was a thought you had often afterwards, plagued with the thought of him falling hopelessly in love with this girl while you were stuck in your room writing messy poetry and listening to Frank Sinatra.

“No.” He takes slow steps, leaning against the railing. You could lean over and touch him if you wanted. “She wasn’t...”

His voice drops to a whisper and he looks away, clearing his throat. “It doesn’t matter.”

“She wasn’t what?” You feel lightheaded, heart beating rapidly, feeling a tingling in your fingers.

Todd looks at you, inhaling deeply. “She wasn’t you.”

“Oh.”

He avoids your searching gaze, growing tense in your stunned silence.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

How could you be so stupid!?

“We’re idiots.” You say breathlessly.

Todd cracks a smile, nodding.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I am. I should’ve-“

“Todd, I was literally the dumbest idiot in the world. I should have told you how I felt instead of hiding it all those years.”

“Years?” He looks confused, like it isn’t plausible to him.

“Todd, I’ve been in love with you since I was 15.”

“Oh.”

Now you’re the one fidgeting in place as something flashes across Todd’s face, a look you can’t decipher.

“Maybe, we could go to our old spot tomorrow? If you’re not busy?” He proposes, looking at his shoes with a shy smile before glancing at you.

“I’d love to.”

. . .

The fluorescent streetlights cast a warm, twinkling glow over the fallen snow. It felt as if time was suspended. Snow fell in gentle sweeps, landing in your hair, and making you walk faster to the coffee shop where Todd was waiting outside. His hands were clasped, rubbing for warmth 

You folded your arms, burrowing your cold nose into the furrow of your jacket. He shivered, his greeting halting mid-sentence as his eyes sweep over you. 

“Is that?”

“Yeah. I remembered to bring a jacket this time.”

Todd’s fingers lace with yours as he leads you inside. 

Perhaps all you needed to be reconnected with him was a miracle. . .

. . .and a worn-out jacket that had seen better days.