#ok im ignoring the mistakes bc im tired of looking at this and trying to fix it LOL

[immren]

toxic devotion to one another

[fangirlfics]

Trouble Sleeping (Loki x reader)

I swear if this deletes for a third time Im gonna cry 

KINDA A SLOW BURN BOIS

also I didn’t finish reading it over for mistakes bc I’m lazy 

summary: y/n and Loki used to be very close friends and sometimes when she had bad nightmares he’d use his magic to calm her mind, a few years have passed and they’ve grown apart. Her nightmares come back and hesitantly she seeks Loki’s help again 

word count: 3,592 wahahahaha

y/n leaned over one of the balconies that overlooked the kingdom’s private garden. The weather was perfect, the temperature ideal, sky blue, and the plants were all thriving feet below her. Despite the scenery however y/n’s attention was fixated elsewhere. 

Down in the depths of the garden, propped up on one of the fancy golden benches was the youngest Asgardian prince-Loki. His dark raven hair was combed back as he turned to the next page in his novel, the cover matching the shade of green displayed on his clothes. y/n couldn’t help but sigh as she watched the handsome prince, they had once had an unbreakable bond. It was always Loki and y/n-best friends, one wouldn’t be seen without the other. But somewhere among their late teenage years, Loki had become more cold and distant towards y/n-leaving her alone in the giant halls of the castle to wander alone. That’s when her and Thor’s relationship grew stronger-she had always been friends with the God of Thunder but after her and Loki’s relationship crumbled to pieces he was there to cheer her up. 

“Oh there you are!” Thor’s voice boomed-pulling y/n from her daydream. y/n glanced once more at Loki before turning her attention to her tall friend. “I was looking for you!” He beamed. 

“What can I do for you, your highness?” y/n asked with a playful voice.

Thor smiled, putting his hands together before continuing, “I was hoping that you would join me and-” his words faded as he glanced down to the gardens and caught sight of Loki. y/n’s attention soon turned to the railing in front of her as she traced her fingers along it’s smooth surface. “You still watch him.” Thor told her, his normally enthusiastic voice was now dry and serious. “How long have you been thinking of him?”

y/n furrowed her eyebrows, playing with her fingers. “I never stopped.” She confessed, “I know it’s foolish but I can’t help it, I..miss him more than I can even begin to explain.”

Thor was silent as he watched the girl glance back down at the gardens then to the sky. “Let’s go...horseback riding.” He suggested, getting y/n attention. “To lift your spirits, we can go with Sif a-”

“No.“ y/n blurted out, “nobody else-I don’t want to embarrass myself again by falling off my horse.“

Thor chuckled, “nobody is going to think low of you-” he looked at y/n once more sensing her silent plea ”very well then, just us.” He agreed, making her smile.

“Thank you.” She laughed, giving him a hug. It caught Thor by surprise but he then loosely wrapped his arms around y/n in return. “Thank you for everything,” y/n whispered, “really, I don’t know what’d I’d do without you. I’m blessed to have a friend like you.”

“Of course.” 

Neither of the two friends noticed that down in the gardens Loki clenched his jaw, snapping his book shut and silently retreated to his room-they also didn’t notice the pair of blue eyes staring through the window at them, when they returned laughing on horseback. 

_____________________________________________________________

 There was fire everywhere, thick black smoke made it impossible for her to breath. She was choking-desperate for air. She fell to the ground as the fire closed in quickly-it’s heat trapping her in the room. There was no hope, no help was coming and it was impossible to escape, with a loud crack the ceiling caved in leaving her trapped screaming out as the furious flames burned her alive. 

y/n woke up with a start, beads of sweat lined her forehead although her room was cool and she found that her hands were shaking. Realizing it was just a dream she lied back down, covering her face with her hands as she tried desperately to fall back asleep. She got no more sleep that night.

The same thing happened again in the coming days and three days later while in training, y/n who was running on less than four hours of sleep was doing rather well. In one quick movement she jumped up-kicking the sword right out of Fandral’s grip. 

“Very good!” Volstagg commented from across the room.

“Yes.” Fandral agreed, “show me that move and I’ll show you some of mine.” He winked.

“Just give me a time and place.” y/n responded playfully, earning a laugh. 

“Impressive.” Fandral commented at her response. (she normally responded to his joke flirting with an eye roll) 

“Yes impressive.” Loki commented from behind Fandral. “That y/n can apparently chase after two men at once.” He said this while staring casually at Thor. Sif went stiff inder the tension and Thor opened his mouth but y/n spoke first.

“I’m sorry?” 

“Well by the looks of it, you can’t seem to decide between Thor and-” 

“Brother that’s enough.” Thor warned, taking a step forward.

“I’m just putting out a warning, you do know what they say about these sort of things.” Loki remarked, not meeting her eyes.

“You know full well that I am not chasing after anyone.” y/n said, growing aggravated. 

“It sure seems that way.”He then opened the door to the room and left.

“You know what?” y/n responded, dropping her sword to the ground with a loud clang “I am tired of this.”

 “y/n I think it best if you ignore him.” Sif spoke up, “nobody is accusing you of anything, we all know you aren’t that sort of person-”

“Thank you Sif, but I am not taking this.“ y/n exited the room in pursuit of Loki, who was a few paces ahead of her walking calmly. 

“I don’t like being followed.“ He simply called out to her, because his room was only about a minute walk away from the training room he reached it fairly quickly.

“What is your problem?“ y/n asked him, putting her foot in between the door and it’s frame as Loki was about to shut it.

“I don’t have a problem, now if you’d excuse me I’d like you to leave me alone.“ 

 “Then leave me alone.” She huffed, “hold your silvertongue and stop acting as if you’re above me because you’re not.”

“Is that all?“ He asked her calmly, “you’re done with your childish tantrum?” 

“Oh you are so-“ y/n narrowed her eyes.

“So what?“ Loki asked with an eye roll.

“Terrible.“ y/n blurted, earning a cold laugh from the God of Mischief.

“So I’ve been told.“ He stated bored.

“No, I mean you’re really terrible and for so many reasons.”

“Such as?“  

“You want a list?“ y/n asked with a bitter laugh, “ok well you think you’re better than everyone and you’re not, you poke fun at other people because it’s amusing to you and-and everyone-I mean everyone thinks that you’re a snake, ever since we were younger, and I can’t believe I’m just now realizing that..they’re probably right.“ He swallowed hard furrowing his eyebrows, “you used to be my best friend Loki, I’d defend you from people’s accusations when you weren’t around and..I wasted my time because you are everything people say you are and worst.“ She saw the look in his eye, she hurt him-good now he understood how it felt. 

Loki glanced away-looking down at the girl again. “Is that all?” He asked, trying desperately to remain collected. y/n scoffed. “You may think you know me but I know you much more, don’t forget, I’ve been inside your head. People may think I’m a bad person but I can live with that, you on the other hand can’t stand the fact that someone might not like you, so much so that you’ll break down about it. You’re a weak fighter, you’re not as clever or as witty as you seem to think, and frankly I don’t understand the fascination Thor seems to have with you, you’re nothing special.”  

y/n pulled her foot from the doorway. What happened to us? She was about to cry and she did not want him seeing that. “Is that all?” She asked, reciting his previous question.

“Yes.“ He spat coldly. 

“Good.“ She turned to walk away as Loki stayed in his place trying to keep the impression that he didn’t care.

Late at night y/n tossed and turned in her bed, trying to fall asleep after waking up from a particularly realistic dream-she had thought that by laying still she’d trick her body into falling asleep but that didn’t happen. She knew that she had been able to power through the last few days with almost no sleep-but she’d certainly crash if she didn’t get any sleep soon. The thought of making a visit to Loki for help came to her mind, but she really didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing she wanted/needed his help. Screw it. She thought after another couple of hours, her clock read 2:35 as she swung her legs over her bed and slipped on her slippers and robe. 

The halls were dark and empty except for the occasional guards, which she was careful to avoid (she didn’t want to raise any suspicion). Thank God her room was only a three minute walk from Loki’s. It was once she was already in front of Loki’s door that she started getting second thoughts, but she was there already and the worst that could happen was getting the door slammed in her face or no answer. She raised her cold knuckle, letting it hover over the door’s fine wood before knocking. “It’s y/n..” She announced barely above a whisper, “trust me I really don’t want to ask for your help but I see no other option an-”

The door opened a small crack. “you do realize what time it is, right?” Loki’s annoyed voice asked-he didn’t sound like he had just woken up, maybe he was having trouble sleeping also.

“I know.” At her response Loki opened the door wider, revealing himself in a pair of emerald colored pajamas. “Look I know-” at the sound of approaching footsteps (guards) Loki stepped aside, giving her a cue to get in. She did, turning to face him one he closed the door again-his back facing the door he put his hands on his hips.

“What do you want?”

“I can’t sleep.” She said sheepishly, “I just-I’m getting the same nightmares again and I thought that maybe just this once you could, you know..” She put hands up, wiggling her fingers to imitate magic.

Loki rolled his eyes, “first off that’s not at all how magic looks, second why should I help you?”

“Just this once!“ y/n practically begged, “please. I’ve have not been sleeping at all I just need one hour. I won’t make you sleep on my couch like I did when we were younger, you can just...alter my thoughts or something and I’ll leave and-” 

“Fine.“ Loki agreed, grumpily. He walked back over to his bed, getting in between the covers on the left side. “Well?“ He asked when she stared blankly at him. He rolled his eyes again, “Obviously if you go back to your room I won’t be able to sense when I have to alter your thoughts and you’ll just come back to make a racket when you have another nightmare.“ y/n nodded slowly, making her way to the right side of the bed. “Besides it’s a big bed, just stay on that side-away from me.” She laid down, hesitant at first as she tightened her robe around herself. Loki leaned over, placing a finger and thumb over her temples to enter her mind. 

When she woke up she was in the same exact position that she was in when she went to bed and Loki was standing directly above her looking annoyed once again. It was still dark outside as he looked down at her from where he stood. “It’s about time, I’ve been trying to wake you up for the last two minutes.”

“What time is it?“

“6:05..the castles about to start waking up, you should leave before more people get uo to avoid being seen.“ y/n nodded in agreement. 

“Ok“ she walked to his door, turning to watch as he laid back down in his bed. “And Loki..“

“What?“ He sighed.

“Thank you.“ She said softly, leaving the room right after. Loki was left surprised.

“Look I know I said just once-” y/n whispered that night outside of Loki’s door, it was past 2 a.m. again, but surprisingly Loki let her in again.

“The faster you stop pestering me, the better.“ Loki told her harshly. He had woken her up at 6 a.m. again like he had done the the last time. The time after that Loki woke her up at 7 and the time after that she had woken up past 8 to see Loki sitting in a chair some feet from her sharpening his knives-when she had asked him why he hadn’t woken her up he had simply reminded that he could just teleport her back to her room, that way nobody would know she had spent the night there.

Flash forward a month later, y/n tiptoed to Loki’s room in her nightgown again, the nights were getting hotter which had led to her to leave her robe behind. When she had reached Loki’s room she didn’t need to knock, since he now left it unlocked for her. 

Once she laid down on the right side of the bed (more towards the middle now rather than all the way on the edge) Loki laid down about a foot from her. They didn’t go to bed right then however, since they had formed a habit of talking before falling asleep. “Have you been sleeping better?” Loki asked the girl beside him.

“yes.” 

“Good...”

y/n rolled onto her side to face Loki, “Thank you again.” He nodded. “You know for someone who hates me, you’re actually quite kind to me.” The corner of Loki’s mouth folded up slightly,

“I don’t hate you...” He rolled over onto his side to face her, “but what I do hate-“ he then had explained the entire plot of a book just to express his hatred for one detail in it. 

y/n woke up in the middle of the night with a start, her nightmares had came back. As it turned out Loki wasn’t in the room but when he got back with a glass of water he noticed she was off right away. “I’m sorry.” He quickly apologized, sitting beside her, “I was just-I didn’t think-”   

“I know, it’s fine.“ y/n told him, but his hand was still on her shoulder and his blue eyes still held worry in them. “I’m just-I’m going back to bed...“ Loki nodded, watching as she laid down again. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?“ She nodded.

As she began drifting off she felt Loki take her hand in his. Later on in the night y/n woke up randomly, but she wasn’t facing Loki anymore-instead she was facing his dim window, she felt warm but not from the covers and to her surprise she realized that the prince’s arm was around her waist, keeping her close. Their legs were tangled mess at the bottom of the bed and she could hear his slow breathing as he slept peacefully. She looked around slowly, trying to figure out a way to move away to avoid the embarrassment when he wakes up-but just as she began to shift around she heard him speak up. “What time is it?” up. 

“Sorry...” She apologized growing red, “I don’t know how-“  

“It’s fine.“ She heard Loki whisper. 

“It is?“

“This is quite comfortable.“ He whispered again, then he moved slightly closer-resting his head on her shoulder and he fell asleep again-she assumed that he was half awake and didn’t fully process what had happened. She decided it didn’t matter and fell asleep again, after all he wasn’t wrong-it was comfortable.  

There was a loud noise that woke y/n right up, making her jump. Now she realized that she was facing Loki again, her arms were wrapped around his neck like in a hug, his head was nuzzled in the crook of her neck-their legs still a tangled mess. Bang! Bang! There it was again, she lifted her head, looking towards the door as it came again-bang! Bang! 

“Loki” She whispered, gently shaking his sleeping form. He ignored it, pulling her closer in response instead. “Loki, someone’s at the door.” She whispered, trying not to laugh. He sighed looking up towards his door.

“Just ignore it, they’ll go away it’s probably a servant or-”

“Loki!” Thor’s voice came from the other side of the door, “Loki, I know you’re in there! Open the door.” Loki rolled his eyes, standing up to make his way towards the door. 

He opened the door a few inches, “what do you want?” He hissed.

“I-” Thor paused, “are wearing your nightwear?”

“Why is that of any importance-what do you want?”

“er, Loki is there someone in there with you?“ Thor asked. 

y/n held her breath, afraid that somehow Thor would hear her from the doorway. “I-no!” Loki snapped, “What are you talking about?”

“Alright, alright I apologize. I’m here to ask if you have seen y/n? I’ve been searching for her, she’s normally turned up somewhere at this time it’s past 10.” 

“No I don’t know where she is, I haven’t seen her. Check the garden, she’s most likely wandering around there.“ He shut the door, turning back to y/n. 

“Past 10?“ y/n asked, covering her mouth, “I should’ve been awake two hours ago.” Loki shrugged. “Can you teleport me back to my room, I should go to the gardens since Thor’s looking for me.” Loki looked at the ground with an unfamiliar look in his eyes before nodding. “Thank you.”

The girl had spent more time with Thor training than she had expected that day, leading her to take an extra long shower at night to get clean. She hadn’t realized until she looked at her clock that it was past 10-normally she’d already be at Loki’s room by now. Quickly she dried her hair and changed into her nightwear. 

She was about to leave and opened her door and unexpectedly Loki was there with his hand raised looking like he was about to knock. They stared at each other for a moment before she spoke up, “Loki? What are you doing here?” 

He glanced to the side, not wanting to meet here eyes as she awaited his response, “I thought..” he said glancing at the ground before back to her, regaining his composure “that you-“

“Weren’t coming?“ She finished for him, he nodded.

“So I came to see if you were ok, I’ll leave.“

“Wait, no.“ She told him, grabbing his wrist and taking him by surprise, “I was just coming it was just taking me longer, but you can sleep here if you want since you’re already here...?” He nodded in agreement, stepping into her room.

He settled himself into the bed, opening his arms for her to crawl into which she quickly did. The two laid there for a moment, listening to the quietness as Loki slowly brushed through her hair with his fingers.      

“remember the other day when I said that you were terrible?“ y/n suddenly asked, getting Loki’s attention. He stopped running his fingers through her hair. 

“Yes, why do you ask?“ He responded cautiously. 

“I was just mad at you. I’m sorry.“

He took a moment to think to himself, “I didn’t mean what I said either."

“Can I ask you something?” y/n asked after a while later.

“What?”

“Why did you push me away?” She asked, shifting herself to meet his eyes.

Loki sighed-only it wasn’t from being aggravated this time. He backed up a few inches from y/n-staring straight up at the ceiling. “It’s because..”

“Because what?”

“I had noticed that you and Thor were becoming closer and decided to..abandon you before you did me. I thought it’d hurt less that way.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, everyone always seems to choose Thor over me, I just assumed you would, in time, do the same.“ He confessed, still not meeting her gaze. 

“Loki...“ she set her hand on his shoulder waiting for him to look at her. “I would never abandon you for Thor, sure Thor is my friend but so is Fandral, so is Volstagg, so is Sif and I’m not abandoning anyone for them.“

He nodded.

“And tonight..“ y/n spoke up again, “when you thought I wasn’t coming-“

“I assumed you wouldn’t need me anymore, especially after you had spent so much time with Thor.“

“Loki!“

“What?“

“Don’t be like that!“ y/n told him, sitting up, “I do need you! I’ll always need you, I need you don’ t doubt that, and not just because of stupid nightmares, because I care for you and I love you, ok?”

Loki smiled to himself, “you love me?“

“Yes you stupid-“ she stopped talking because Loki had leaned in, capturing her lips in a kiss, taking no time to hesitate she leaned into him further deepening the kiss. After about a minute they pulled apart-resting their foreheads together. 

“I love you too.“

[selfcareparker]

hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 13

humansona time, hell yes

OH MAN I forgot about the stuff w/swerve and blurr oof

that panel of perceptor just saying random equations always kills me vhsdjhfkbjhksdfnka

also I love so much that they call perceptor ‘percy’ that's so cute

I love the implications here that people just Grab minibots and carry them around like luggage bc they are Tiny lmao

ohhhh my god I fuckgin love ‘I'm just wondering if there's time to expand my aura and cleanse the area of aggression’ ‘I...don't think so, drift’ hgbadjfjbaskdfs drift’s hippy nonsense delivered completely seriously pairs hilariously with his whole ‘violent guy with a bunch of swords’ thing lmao

also, IM NEVER OVER CYCLONUS SINGING TO TAILGATE, and also the security team mistaking it for cyclonus murdering tg hbhkjadfbjkhsdf cyclonus u icon

and tg looking at cyclonus all heart-eyes, omg 

drift showing rodimus how to swordfight...fellas.....

rodimus, being entirely ignorant to the irony in calling cyclonus and tailgate’s relationship strange when he and drift are Right There, being weird gay frat bros

did yall know, I love magnus so much. law dad

magnus saying ‘that's not even a word. id have heard of it’ about the word ‘relax’ is so funny god 

rodimus bribing swerve with a bar license to get magnus turnt is hbvhjakdbfhskf

never over rodimus portioning out drifts blood money to the crew for shore leave hubhjsdkhfdbjksd god 

despite tg lying about a good amount of his past, I feel like he rlly DOES see cyclonus as a link to a more familiar time, and that's a large reason why he’s so forgiving toward cyc

mannnn the stuff w/blurr and swerve is so depressing in retrospect. swerve is like, such a depressing character the more you think abt him vbhskjdhfbsk jesus

magnus trying to get in on the convo when swerve starts talking statistics oh magnus

idk what ‘the lube pits’ are but I Really do not want to know

‘the temple of the raging prism’ sounds fuckin bangin tho

I love seeing everyones humansona!! this art style is pretty simple, but I think it looks cute

rungs ‘human name’ being ‘mary sue’ lmaoooooo jro w/the self callout

also skids’ name being blank is a nice touch

still not over tg being a baby....poor guy

whirls humansona is so fuckgin good, also swerve looks like a hobbit

magnus basing his avatar on verity is so sweet ;_; I really should read all the wreckers stuff after I finish this reread

THE ABSOLUTE COMEDY OF MAGNUS JUST FUCKGIN PASSING OUT THE INSTANT THE ALOCHOL HITS...ICONIC

WHY would magnus accept a drink from whirl anyways lmao

tailgate is so cute

they rlly just left magnus facedown on the table and kept drinking huh. the irresponsibility....we love it

ARE YOU SURE THAT KILLMASTER IS DEAD, WHIRL? ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

rung don't lie, froid is your nemesis

WHY do we never get to hear more about skids’ apparent beef with misfire

rewind calling the swerve/misfire This early, wow

literally Everyone abandoning swerve to deal with magnus hgbvhfjdskdfbhs I fucking love this issue man

GOD I LOVE MAGNUS SO MUCH!!!!!!!! he’s such an interesting and unique character and hhhh I love him and his development

like, he was probably the biggest surprise out of everyone who agreed to go on the quest - ostensibly it was to keep order on the lost light, but it would make sense that magnus would get tired of being the Only one who cares about that sorta stuff on board 

drunk magnus is such a delight oh my god

magnus rlly just wants everyone to be safe :( my daddddd

magnus: I love all my children equally...swerve, rodimus, [looks at smudged writing on hand] dirt

swerve: see, magnus, that’s where you’re wrong - I ALSO have crippling depression!

cant believe they bought rodimus a hat vhbhksdfhahsjkdf

HHHHH GOD I FORGOT ABT THATTTT when cyclonus goes bonkers in order to stop rewind from playing the ark 1 footage and inadvertently outing tailgate as a liar....AUGHHHHH THE FUCKING...THE FUCKING ROMANCE OF IT ALL

POOR MAGNUS LMAOOOO

oh rewind :( you should really wonder a little harder where chromedome is right now...oof

everyone jumping on magnus while he’s passed tf out is SO fucking funny 

RUNG, PLEASE, WE REALLY DONT NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHATS AROUND THE CORNER. REALLY DONT

hhhhhhhhhhh I love how cyclonus sat tailgate down and confronted him about lying, but did it privately and not in front of everyone - and he even saved tg from being exposed as a liar, too. AUGH 

I feel like cyclonus is kinda impressed at how effortlessly tg has managed to lie this whole time, and tbh it IS impressive, especially considering tailgate was basically teleported 6 million years into the future and has no idea how the world works anymore, but was still able to lie convincingly. even cyclonus only realized bc of his own past, and not until now

tailgate ;_; ;_; ;_; 

cyclonus: oh no...im soft

tailgate and cyclonus singing ye olde cybertronian tunes together...OUGHHHH my fucking heart bro mY FUCKING HEART.

on that note: the song ‘to noise making (sing)’ by hozier is literally about cygate. thank u for coming to my ted talk

UGH GOD SWERVE STOP MAKING ME SO SAD, ITS NOT EVEN THE SWEARTH ARC YET

magnus had to like, get the robot equivalent of a stomach pumping after that hvbskdjfbhskdf jesus they really did almost kill him huh

I consider this issue forshadowing bc it makes 100% sense that minimus would be a Mega Lightweight considering he’s like 3 feet tall

the real quest that swerve is participating in is ‘the quest to get friends’ and so far its going pretty badly. poor dude 

godddd the thing that says ‘next: Overlord!’ with a fucking exclamation point I DONT APPRECIATE THAT. 

OHO i forgot abt the canon fanfic at the end of this issue

rung kicking things off with some good ole bodily workings-based dread 

ok but being so awed by the construction of your species’ anatomy that you wanna fall on the floor in amazement? that's a whole ass mood and I do frequently stare at walls for long periods of time, thinking about the marvel that is the human body. so rung is valid 

FROID NAME DROP LMAO. also yet again, are you SURE he’s dead?? are you????

the name ‘froid’ cracked me up almost as much as ‘rigor morphis’ did when I first read this...robot-based science puns! woohoo!

rung rlly b out here thinking abt overlords lips.....

‘forced browsing is not the autobot way’ lmao skids

also fr tailgate defs thinks that whirls actually name is nutjob

the entire segment of cyclonus browsing and everyone watching him and commenting is just. golden

oh no. don't make me think of rewind and his tiny memory sticks that he carries around. I'm NOT READY

magnus’ brutal read on rodimus and the fact that he’s more suited, personality-wise, to wartime than peacetime? oof. love it

I ALSO love that a big part of this issue was magnus admitting, in less direct terms, that HE isn't made for the post-war life either - his strict adherence to the rules and constant vigilance isn't exactly the best mindset for peacetime, for him or the people under his command

magnus’s hatred of metaphors and similes and the like....hvbsdjkfbasjhdf I love him

MAGNUS ILY...he’s trying SO HARD cut him some slack. i think his jokes are. yeah!

oh goody this text used "rodimus’s" so I guess that's canonically correct and I haven't been using grammar incorrectly as I had feared 

rodimus sitting ON his desk and doodling on it...adhd icon

rodimus calling rung a psychotherapist, which was rung’s grounds for a nemesis hvbhjabfdskfnkks

rung: as I'm sure you know I take patient confidentiality VERY seriously

narrator: That Was A Lie 

AUGH this hurts...rung trying to get justice for red alert but rodimus is in on the overlord stuff :( ouch

so issue 13! I fucking love this issue. just some good ole funney space hijinks, with some nice relationship development for tg and cyc - plus a revelation about tailgate - and some characterization for swerve and magnus. plus we get to see humansonas, which is always fun. augh I love this comic, and I am SO not ready for the next few issues, good lord

[irl-dogboy]

i have no friends to talk to so im gonna rant under the cut ignore this lmao

i dont feel comfortable anywhere. 

like.. i don’t have a bed i like to sleep in. it doesn’t have sheets on it. it’s an awful mattress, it sinks down to the point where i wake up and can’t move bc my back is fucked. i don’t have a dovet, i sleep under blankets fit for a sofa. i don’t have a space to call my own. my room looks like a storage room, because that’s what it is. i have speakers that i can’t use, i have an extra desk that my parents couldn’t afford to throw away. my cupboard is full of things that aren’t mine. i own my school uniform and like 3 outfits. i own one fucking pair of pants and they don’t! even fit me! i dont like asking for money for things like clothes and decor because the answer is always “we dont have enough money for luxuries! dont be selfish!” and i dont get it because both of my fucking parents have ipads and the newest fucking iphones. despite being the right age to get a job im not allowed to get one, im not allowed to open a paypal so i can maybe get a commission every so often. i dont even know why. they dont fucking tell me.

and like,, i dont have anywhere or anybody to talk to about this shit! school friends would never fucking understand because theyre all a bunch of rich kids who think of me as a joke. im a dumbass who isolates himself from his online friends so i cant just be like “lol we havent talked since i disappeared when i found out im going deaf help my life sucks” because who fucking DOES that? not me! my parents are procrastinating getting me a fucking psychologist for GOD KNOWS WHAT fucking reason, maybe they really do just think this is a phase. they refuse to talk about anything related to my transgenderism until it pushes their fucking political agenda or makes them LOOK GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mum, at home, behind closed doors: hey deadname

also my mum, arguing with people online: as a supportive parent of a transgender child blahblahblah

also my mum, to my school: yeah haha we’re getting there HE’s such a good BOY isnt that right NATE this has been hard on all of us but especially ME

i regret coming out so fucking much. if i could go back in time and tell myself anything it wouldnt be “do ur schoolwork” or “dont die” it would be “dont come out because every fucking aspect of your life is going to be so much fucking harder” and i get it! some of it is me being a lazy cunt! yea! but its also everybody else being a lazy cunt! my entire family? deadnaming for days! my parents? “we know you need therapy we’ll call them later” and then what do they do??? yeah not call them later. since i came out my previous psychologist DROPPED me and i get it but i NEVER talked about that shit and i wouldn’t talk about that shit bc i know shes not qualified to deal with that!! and i get it but fuck its so annoying and im weak and im a fucking asshole and i dont want to exist!!

i just dont get why my parents had me. like. my dads an alcoholic and a fucking coke addict, and yeah, he works 70 hours a week and supplies everything for our family, but hes also a fuckign criminal whos had me ASSAULTED before and thats a whole other fucking thing! and he’s trying to turn my sister and i against my mum and i DEFINITELY see why because she literally does nothing but smoke weed and do coke herself but fuck i am so tired of hearing about their shit all the fucking time! call me selfish, i would agree, but they blame me and my sister for all of their problems, and whenever me or my sister call them out on their shit they immediately go for the “we’re your PARENTS” or “im mentally ill and im an addict you know this” like yeah i do but i also know that YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF DESPITE HAVING TWO KIDS THAT FUCKING DESPISE YOU

i just want a normal fucking family man. a normal life, really!! i want a dad that has some dumb manly hobby like woodwork or fishing and i wanna do lame things with him. i want a mum that i get along with. a sister that i fight with sometimes but its ok because im still there for her! protective big brother style! and i want them to be there for me and i want to feel safe in my own fucking house. i want a bed that i can sleep comfortably in. i dont wanna be who i am. i wanna be normal. i dont wanna have to deal with dysphoria and wanting to die every time i look in the mirror or shower or speak or do anything. friends that i feel like i could talk to. i would die just to be a cis girl or better a cis boy and just live my life without worrying about all of that shit. i want my depression to go away or take a fucking break or something. i hate it so much.

god this is long im so sorry for anybody who made the mistake of choosign to read this

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[wannaonescenarios]

we're in year 5067(idk ok??), and y/n finds herself falling further and further into depression. Tired of being alone, she orders one of the robots from the tv-catalog-show-thing?? little did she know that her robot was gonna br hella cute. robot!au with jung sewoon?? not love, but like bff??brother??friends??plz make it funny ! Thank youuuu💕💕💕💕

thanks for requesting !! sorry if im a bit rusty fndfndjkg also i tried to be funny,,,forgive me if it isn’t LOL

also i didn’t read through this, so ignore any mistakes please!

- in the year of 5067, you slowly find yourself getting lonelier and lonelier 

- it doesn’t help that technology has become so advanced that nearly everyone was addicted to it 

- and you couldn’t lie, you liked to browse the internet, but you weren’t the type to become addicted and slowly live your whole life online 

- that was mostly everyone’s fate - including your parents - hell, even school was a bore because people were on their phones or laptops half the time 

- even if you had friends, there was no doubt that most of them would prefer to listen to their tv and stay home, rather than leaving their homes smh 

- you had tried your best to convince them to come out, saying that there was new cafes open or a new restaurant. you even tried to tempt them with food 

- but your efforts didn’t convince them and you were left alone again 

- one night, you ended up watching tv late and clicking through the channels and you saw an ad displaying cheesy text on a robot 

- ‘’order your own best friend robot! program them to your liking for only $19.99!” 

- usually, you would skip through it and settle going to bed but?? this low-key peaked your interest. 

- a robot as a best friend?? was that possible? what if you ordered one and they turned out like that that movie from resident evil?? 

- but on the other hand, you were like 

- ‘’lol what could go wrong’’ 

- so you did 

- you ended up ordering straight from the tv and they told you that it would come in the few weeks since they were in high demand 

- you ended up forgetting that you ordered it a few days later until it showed up on your doorstep in a huge box 

- obviously, you had trouble bringing it in and struggled quite a lot,,,but you managed to do it

- but once you opened the box,,,it was like seeing god for the first time?? like wtf?? has god really come down to bless you??

- the robot was quite cute actually,,and looked scarily human-like. if you didn’t know what it was, you would’ve mistaken it for a human being packed into a box accidentally 

- carefully, you managed to pull it out of the box and drag it to a nearby outlet to plug it in. while it was charging, you were reading through the manual and it was pretty self explanatory, all you had to do was charge it often and make sure it wasn’t left alone for too long 

- flipping the manual to the back, you read the name on the sheet and thought it was quite fitting 

- ‘’jeong sewoon, huh?’’ 

- you thought it was a fitting name and decided to go take a nap and see if he would be fully charged once you woke up 

- and once you woke up, you locked eyes with someone else's 

- aka cue you screaming and sewoon standing there like ?? 

- you had completely forgot that you had bought him after you woke up lol yikes you got a surprise of your lifetime 

- from then on, your life wasn’t the same 

- getting used to sewoon was hard but also,,kind of exciting?? 

- of course, he knew what he was but he wasn’t sure what everything was 

- he asked lots of questions once you sat him down to the point where you had a headache and almost regret buying him lmfao 

- you had to explain everything to him and tried your best to keep everything simple but,,,there was only so much that you could do 

- once, you handed him your laptop to let him look at it and maybe get familiar idk and you went to go get water

- you came back and ended up screaming because poor sewoon ended up snapping the screen in half 

- cue him looking like a lost puppy and alarmed because you were on the floor crying 

- ‘’did you know how much that cost me?? dO YOU THINK I HAVE MONEY TO BUY A NEW LAPTOP’’ 

- ‘’you had enough money to buy me, didn’t you?” 

- ‘’lISTEN’’ 

- and another time (after buying you a new laptop), he came to you and asked what this meant and he showed you an excerpt from 50 shades of gray 

- you ended up yelling at him again bc ??? wtf sewoon??? can’t you search it up yourself?? 

- ‘’why would i search it up when i have you?? you do know what it is, don’t you??” 

- i mean yeah bUT 

- its only been like a day and this boy took off like 5 years of your life wow 

- but as time went on, he wasn’t so bad??

- he wasn’t afraid to go out with you and let you drag him around to go to cafes or amusement parks or something 

- and he cared for you deeply, like he protected you if people were getting too close or making you uncomfortable 

- he wouldn’t be afraid to stand up for the both of you, but also be a complete gentleman for other people like wtf get yourself a man like this 

having robot!sewoon would include:  late night runs to the store because sewoon doesn’t sleep lol, wanting ice cream but the store was closed but somehow,,,sewoon broke in and ripped the door off the hinges, ‘’what do we do with the door??” ‘’leave it obviously” ‘’lISTEN SEWOON WE AREN’T LIKE THAT JNDFKN’’, exploring through seoul and visiting all the malls and buying all sorts of things, visiting cafes or various other animal cafes and watching as the animals cling onto sewoon and the poor boy getting so confused by them, taking different activities together like guitar or singing classes, finding out that sewoon had a really really nice voice, even if he was a robot, sewoon helping you get ready for a date and end up accidentally ripping all your clothes while trying to tug it off the hanger because he doesn’t know his own strength, and cue you screaming bc ‘’sEWOON MY DATES GOING TO BE HERE IN 15 MINS WF JDSFNK’’ ‘’listen,, i don’t know my strength okay?? sTOP YELLING’’, all in all, a really cute and platonic relationship!! like you really hit a jackpot this time, bless u 

[gwisingegooli]

it’s always kinda funny trying to figure out why things ended up the way they did, in terms of all the small decisions and where the mistakes where made

yesterday i was way too fucking tired to hang out w the de anza degens and watch the league of legends world finals. i pretty much took us home from aquis and i passed the fuck out.

and later michael said he kinda wished he couldve hung with them, and later when i woke up i felt the same. but even while sleeping i told michael not to wake me during the world finals and i just peaced the fuck out.

so reflecting on it — i definitely should not have stayed up drinking til like 3 the day before yesterday, when i had to wake up for my rideshare by like 9. especially when the day before i had stayed up smoking and cleaning my room til 5, and then i woke up at like 12. and when the day before that i had stayed up til 5 drinking, and then i woke up for my 8 am, and didnt really have time to nap properly after.

so yeah, a landslide of bad sleeping decisions. but especially the night before, i shouldve turned in early so my body wasnt so done w me.

my rideshare was also fucking awful. my driver was a pushover, and so am i a little bit. and the other guy in the rideshare loved to take advantage of that! he was seedy and shady and i hated him so much for manipulating us because we were nice. he made our rideshare take us to wholefoods, to ross, etc like get his chores done bc we thought it was nbd. i would say i dont want to, or we shouldnt, but i wasnt firm enogh and i ended up getting totally steamrolled over. im never going to let myself get taken advantage of ever again.

michael was super steamed bc i ended up making him wait too, bc i came later than i thought since we were doing this guys fucking chores. i told him i tried to say something but then he texted me — “well you should say fuck no” “you fucking idiot” in separate texts and i thought he called me a fucking idiot. he texted right after “him being the fucking idiot” but i didnt see that because i had put my phone down after the text before trying not to cry.

it literally destroyed me and made me so sad and when he came to pick me up he was super angry, not at me at all, but at what happened. he was frustrated for sure but i thought he had called me that, and it had scared me because i thought it was super unfair and mean and uncharacteristic. it’s crazy that i thought he would even say that to me because he never would??? i think i was super insecure and projecting how i felt about myself, and i still felt it was within the realm of possibility he would say that to me so i couldnt even look at him.

i was quiet on the ride back, and he started talking to me and asking what happened, and i started crying trying to explain. and he said he understood but as the conversation went on he said he didnt understand why i hadnt apologized yet for making him wait. and i said i apologized over text, and im sorry for making him wait. but he said my apology didnt sound genuine. he said he wasnt trying to be difficult, especially on our first meeting. the situation must’ve been very confusing for him because i was reacting to a misunderstanding that we hadn’t know had happened yet.

i told him i didnt know what to do about that, if i am apologizing genuinely. i told him im just trying to understand what happened because it was kind of traumatizing to be taken advantage of like that and then in hindsight realize how you were manipulated, and then come see your boyfriend super angry because i wasnt able to take control of a situation and he has to be part of it all and how scary that was. and he asked me, confused, why i was scared? and i told him i was so tired and hungry and scared and sad and confused and i didnt want to have to do all of this. and he said thats ok, we can drop it.

later i said im sorry for being a pussy. and even though it makes it so that im not looking at myself, im sorry that guy was such a dick that you felt the radius of his awfulness. he laughed and said that felt apology felt more genuine. and he said he was just happy to see me.

when i got home i checked my texts and then i said “oh...” and explained how i had thought he called me a fucking idiot and he dropped everything and came to hug me and apologize and said he would never say that to me and like went hardcore on saying sorry. i was just happy everything was cleared up and i told him not to do that in texts ever again >:( and he was like ofc ;_;

so now after being physically exhuasted i had to go through an emotionally draining experience over a bad text. i bet if i wasn’t so exhuasted i wouldve been able to figure out how to sort things better, and realized why i was so upset.

then i always couldve powered through being so exhuasted but at aqui’s like. justin was so fucking annoying. like listening to justin talk, even when i am fully rested, destroys my social stamina. he makes me want to be rude and ignore him and give one word responses because otherwise i will go crazy. and then if u seem tired he’s like “are you okay?” and its like yes, but no because of you. please stop being annoying.

even looking at will is pretty triggering now because my perception of him has been realigned w how he really is bc of a few recent mishaps. i could go into them in detail but basically he’s just a little kid who has a lot of growing up to do, isnt good at listening, being open minded, planning things.... i had to dd because he fucked up planning on the way there. he told his friends to come and then we ended up heading out when they were supposed to come!! like yes, george shouldve checked his phone for the change in plans but also. stop sending conflicting plans last minute. >:( i am the most tired one here. and then no one else offered to drive because it was all last minute. like i am back for the first time and y’all aint even gonna warmly greet me and take care of me???????? just kidding but also not kidding LOL

so the table seating at aqui’s was fucking awful. daniel was way on the edge when he should be sitting near me and michael cause he’s the only other cool person. alvin was fine but i was like zzz because justin was in the center. justin does like one on one conversations “well” (by this i mean he can keep a conversation going for forever and not in a good way) so he should be on the side. will was playing a fucking phone game so he shouldve been on the side. alvin ended up being on his phone too.

daniel tried to engage but the tables are too far and he could only make like funny eye contact w us every once in a while and i was like TT

so i slowly phased in and out of consciousness and then by the end of the trip i was like. michael. i need to go and die in peace rn.

and thats why i missed worlds. its a lot of situational things but thats why you gotta make sure you aren’t HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) so you can evaluate your situations and fix shit up and be actually alive to take on the world.

[kilnkin]

@nickatnightwalker 

aud asks what nicks issue is, gets a very thorough and well cited answer

kilnkin that was really only one time whats your issue lol

nickatnightwalker you were obnoxious about wynn, then tried to fight me, and are generally unpleasant to be around i dont appreciate being blamed for other peoples dead love lives

kilnkin that was one time like months ago though?? like nice to know im still on ur radar but its weird that you keep bringing it up lmao

nickatnightwalker i dont see how thats weird it was annoying and youre still annoying thats all there is to it

kilnkin uh ok i guess

nickatnightwalker it didnt stop being annoying just because time passed and besides that it obviously showed youre the kinda person who's gonna get their ass in a twist at anyone who lands anyone youre even vaguely interested in and given my track record vs what i can see of yours im sure we'll be at that impasse again

kilnkin uhh

nickatnightwalker you asked just remember that you asked

kilnkin yeahh just uh. wasnt aware you had all this in the front of your mind every time you saw my url apparently

nickatnightwalker not true usually i dont think about it at all

kilnkin i mean work on your poker face then bc you seem to have a lot more feelings about this than me haha do you still like think about her or whatever cause shes gone so thats kinda weird

nickatnightwalker i mean actually i dont forget about people the moment theyre not in front of me because i have object permanence

kilnkin thats not what i meant but thanks for the hostility

nickatnightwalker np ifyoure asking if im hung up on her may i remind you she ditched me like 15 minutes in for damian

kilnkin i know thats why i dont get it

kilnkin like why you give so much of a shit about one stupid conversation lol

nickatnightwalker it was annoying youre like all the broni friendzonis who got pissed i talked to the girls they stalked

kilnkin lots of things are annoying? even my skins not that thin ummm ok so its a personal issue got it

nickatnightwalker no i agree lots of things are annoying i feel as strongly about you as i do that one chair in the back of the herbology level 1 class room that tilts from side to side

kilnkin thats what i mean why do you bring it up if you dont care

nickatnightwalker let he who does not bitch about annoying shit cast the first stone

kilnkin like youre just trying to embarrass me on the dash and wont let me have a fun conversation like would you pull this with some dude who chews his gum too loud what???

nickatnightwalker im not tryin to embarrass you on the dash im encouraging you to have your fun conversations elsewhere

kilnkin see thats so WEIRD what the fuck

nickatnightwalker i really dont see how it's weird that i dont particularly want to interact with you considering the only times we ever have it's been a pain in the ass and there's a real solid chance it'll continue to be

kilnkin if you keep shutting it down then yeah no duh

kilnkin i was making a joke with that fun hater thing people make jokes..just ignore it instead of being a buzzkill

nickatnightwalker and i should have known that was a joke because....youve always been so charming to meto me.

kilnkin ok this isnt going anywhere can you just

nickatnightwalker as opposed to me thinking that you just got a new hate on for me because idk maybe i talked to a girl you like in the dining hall

kilnkin stop that im not a possessive weirdo ok i didnt even like her that much and i dont like anyone else and i dont need you speculating on it leave me alone and try not to bring up what a weird pathetic person i am in public maybe if you can manage that?

nickatnightwalker yeah sure just dont get freaky at me for having decent social skills

kilnkin ohh is projecting your personal shit onto strangers considered decent social skills?? see this is the shit they dont teach you in the woods thanks (:

nickatnightwalker i could tell, seeing as you projected your failure to land a girl right onto me

nickatnightwalker tell you what hit me up when you can honestly in your heart of hearts tell me that if wynn were still here and i was still seeing her you wouldnt hate me for it look into your fedora'd, broni friendzoni'd soul and tell me you could act like a decent person to me if i was dating wynn then we can talk

kilnkin jesus hit me up when you stop being a freak

nickatnightwalker maybe i am a freak but at least i dont get possessive over people who arent mine

kilnkin oook. she flirted with plenty of people and i never said shit to them you know that right? i asked if you wanted to fight bc everyone was doing it why not and it was dumb but i dont care that much sorry to burst your bubble

kilnkin if she came back from i dunno, expulsion or soul searching or whatever the fuck shes doing and still wanted to go on the date she asked me for, ok if not eh? is that good enough for you to stop hounding me

nickatnightwalker you did try to drag me at the dance

kilnkin you were making an idiot out of yourself no way im the only one who said something and you were being a shit date so thats on you

nickatnightwalker i just felt myself physically care less how was i a shit date for letting her go dance with someone else you know what would be shitty

nickatnightwalker finding damian later and giving him crap about her because thats annoying, you see

kilnkin umm i didnt do that

kilnkin dont act like you dont give a shit if youre still hung up on this btw

nickatnightwalker oh my god i only give a shit when you get annoying it's possible to have feelings that arent at the forefront of your mind 24/7 because most of us have extra storage space up top for that kind of thing what you did do is start bitching at me for being a shitty date for letting her do what she wanted to do, which, dont kid yourself, didnt come from concern for her, it was just about you being jealous and weird not to mention you didnt go find damian and ride his dick about it later, which really adds a nice element of cowardice to the whole thing, only ragging on the short guy and not the 6f t fitness model

kilnkin ive gotten in his face for other shit lmao

nickatnightwalker eh thats fair

kilnkin listen do you want me to be a freak about her or not im getting mixed messages

nickatnightwalker no generally speaking id say no but as far as being a freak goes if you could at least be consistent then you could pretend it was some weird chivalry thing and not just you taking out your frustrations on the guy who COULDNT drain your blood

kilnkin ok seriously i have literally taken out my frustrations on him in the middle of the woods at night mere seconds after he sucked his fangs back into his gums you can ask

nickatnightwalker i have questions about almost every part of that sentence

kilnkin ask him then point is im not scared of him im not a coward and im not a jealous freak i was just being dumb one time months ago called mistakes ever heard of them

nickatnightwalker no for papa would beat us lest we become tolerant of our imperfections

kilnkin that joke is definitely funnier the second  time congrats (:

nickatnightwalker you cant blame me for not pulling my heart and soul into this conversation it's just kind of tiring on all fronts

kilnkin i gave you so many outs dude dont pull that

nickatnightwalker yeah those outs would require me pretending i can now suddenly tolerate you

kilnkin or just leaving when i said something dismissive. im not that into this tbh a lot of people dont like me i guess i can deal

nickatnightwalker oh see yeah about that i dont like being dismissed like youre my pre-k teacher, it's kinda grating

kilnkin talking to me..is grating. leaving is. also grating. sucks to be you i guess i made my point i guess so im not gonna reply again you can have the last word if you want it, sorry ive so grievously offended you. bye

[llonelywater]

all around me people are graduating and celebrating the fact that they are graduating and i just feel so estranged about the whole situation lol. cannot imagine my own graduation, cannot imagine the concept of any (personal) future beyond immediate, short-term things like ‘zzz next week we are on vascular take for THE ENTIRE WEEk and i am on call’ and ‘sian need to study electrolytes so i wont get pulverized by ak next wk’ and ‘NEED TO RMB TO DO POSTER PRESENTATION ASAP BEFORE AUGUST’

i wrote this longass optimistic post in my public account about BEING PRESENT IN HERE AND NOW bc i spend a lot of my time worrying about the future and being angsty about the past. i want to punch myself bc im still repeating the same mistakes even after all that pseudo peptalk... or rather, i have gotten better at consciously ignoring these topics but my subconscious is still hung up on vacillating between panicking about the future and feeling depressed about the past. my dreams feature heavily in: ward rounds, being late for exams, failing exams, having horrible encounters with old ex-friends, having horrible encounters with r, old patients coming in dead, dead people, desaturating patients etc etc etc. EVERYDAY. at this point it has become more depressing to sleep than to stay awake for 48 hours straight

my mind is so lame.... 

nvm i will try to be thankful for good things that happened to me this week (see!! personal growth and improvement!!!!)... or rather good things that i encountered which, by extension, made my life better by making me believe that there is still good left hahahahahahhaha

- nice onco resident who randomly smiled at me just because she caught me staring at her (because i found her v pretty lol). which i thought was rly nice of her because why would anyone want to smile at anyone else for no reason (or maybe GS has deconditioned me towards callousness to such an extent that anyone smiling to me is A HUGE THING) (this is actually a little sad......)  - J’s mum who very very very kindly agreed to help Q with his DSA process like she offered to meet him for a round of mock interviews and everything. how can anyone be so generous with their time i am appalled (in a good way) by her generosity!!! - nice nurses who do bladder scans for your patient immediately at 3am in the middle of the night when u tell them to do it!!! without complaint!!!  - nice seniors who bring us for tutorials again FOR NO REASON why would anyone spend their time and energy on top of 16 hour work days is beyond me... - having llaollao with J!! to celebrate the end of the week!!!!!! my general attitude towards food is that it is lame but there are a few exceptions!! llaollao being one of them - discovering a good facewash so now i can go on call and not look like a hideous mountain troll the next day  - learning!! new things!! some days i get so excited learning about new stuff that i am just like OK NVM NO NEED TO FIND BOYFRIEND I WILL MARRY MEDICINE MY CAREER SHALL BE MY LIFE. then something will happen 20mins later that will make me jaded all over again (eg getting called dot wn to the A&E to help someone find their misplaced patients vitals chart.... getting scolded by family members for taking someone’s bloods too many times........). but regardless of how fleeting these moments are, and regardless of how much i love to complain (bc i am lame and spoilt) about medicine i still like it a lot. i distinctly remember being post call and so tired that i was literally not walking straight but i managed, by some beautiful miracle, to put myself together to take a dysphagia history from a patient with a rare condition and feeling so awake and excited about learning (only to resume staring blankly into space once we left the cubicle)

sometimes i dont know what right i have to complain or feel bad about anything at all............ some days im so tired i would stand at the road and fantasise about getting knocked down by a car and getting a liver laceration so i can finally stay in bed for more than ten hours a day without getting consumed by guilt

zzzzz pull yourself together!!!!!!!!!!