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pensat-i-fet · 2 years ago

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A bonding trip, Part 1 (Mason Mount x Reader)

*I wrote this little enemies to lovers story for a friend who’s a big Mason fan and she has allowed me to share it with all of you now. I hope you like it as much as she did ❤️*

Part 2

Word count: 2956

Masterlist

Wattpad

“We don’t want to let you go, but we have to. There isn’t that much money invested in the women’s team and this transfer will fund half a season. I’m so sorry”.

Hearing my coach's words, I feel like crying. Why is this happening to me? I don’t want to leave Arsenal. I love this team and always have. And I certainly don’t want to go to play for Chelsea.

But I also understand the team has to sell me. I just wish a miracle could happen to prevent this transfer.

“It’s ok. Thank you for everything. I’ll miss you all”, I tell him, genuinely meaning it.

“Well, we are still in the same city. Don’t be a stranger”.

“Turn to the left…perfect. Now one smiling”.

I have been doing press stuff for Chelsea for the last hour and I’m so done with it. But I still need to do more interviews and videos for social media.

“Oh, look who it is!”, I hear someone say so I turn to see them. “The new superstar!”

Of course, it’s Mason Mount. God, I hate him.

“Well, the team clearly needed one. It’s not as if you could fit in that category”.

“Always a pleasure to see you”, he says, flicking my nose and making me move back.

“What are you doing here? I’m busy”.

I then notice everyone has stopped working to look at our interaction.

“You have to do a photoshoot together”, says one of the media people.

“Why? It’s my presentation”.

Why does he have to be part of everything I do?

Mason and I have been “enemies” for a while. Both of us have always been the poster boy/girl for our clubs and national teams, which means we’ve had to spend a lot of time together in events for brands and whatnot.

And it was on our very first event together that I realized what a douche he was. He spent the whole time ignoring me and making the whole thing about himself. And to think I had a crush on him before that…my taste needed to improve and it thankfully did.

“It’s not for your presentation, silly”, he says, laughing at me. “It’s for a few campaigns and interviews that’ll come out in a couple of weeks”.

“Amazing”, I say, making the sarcasm very clear.

A few minutes later, I’m standing next to Mason posing for more photos.

“Blue looks good on you”, he whispers, making me frown.

“Shut up!”

And he does, shaking his head.

“So, is it nice to come to a team where you already have friends? It must be hard leaving Arsenal after so many years”, asks the journalist.

If only you knew how hard it is.

“Yes, absolutely. Some of the girls have played with me for the national team and were making sure I felt welcomed from the minute I stepped foot in Cobham. It’s really nice of them. But it will take a while to get used to picking the blue shirt instead of the red one”, I try to joke.

“And you have Mason too”, she says.

I look at Mason, who is staring at me with a big smile on his face. He’s loving this.

“Actually, he’s really annoying but thankfully I don’t play with him so I’ll be alright”.

The journalist thinks I’m joking and starts laughing. She’s joined by Mason, but I can tell how fake his laugh is.

By the time we are done with the interview, I’m desperate to just leave. Today has been way too long.

“Hey, wait”, I hear Mason say when I’m about to leave to get changed.

“What?”

“That, exactly that”.

“You make zero sense once again, Mount”.

“Why do you always have to be like this with me?”, he asks, as if he didn’t know. “You’re so nice to everyone but so rude to me. Even during an interview”.

“You were rude to me first”.

“Are you 5?”, he says, rolling his eyes.

Instead of answering, I just leave. It’s impossible to reason with someone like him.

“We are leaving on Monday at 8 am. Please be on time. The boys will hopefully be there by then so we can leave”, tells us Emma, after explaining the trip we’ll be doing alongside the men’s team.

“Why do we have to be on time but for them it’s hoping they are on time?”, I say. I don’t like double standards.

“Oh, they’ve actually been told we leave at 7. That’s why we’re hopeful they’ll be there by the real leaving time”.

Literal children. And…a bonding trip? Why do we behave like it’s summer camp? I just want to train.

“Stop frowning”, says Fran.

“Tell me you also find this trip ridiculous. And if it’s bonding we need to do, why are the men there?”

“I don’t know. It’s always done like this”, she shrugs. “Just don’t make it too obvious how much you hate Mount so you two aren’t paired together for literally every activity”.

“What?”

The look she gives me says it all. Of course, they’ve all noticed.

8.20 am on Monday and we’re all waiting for Mount and Havertz. What a surprise!

Well, actually Havertz being late is surprising. Aren’t Germans supposed to be very punctual? I guess it’s Mason’s bad influence.

“There they are”, I hear someone say and we all lift our eyes to see the car approaching.

I just shake my head and roll my eyes. They are still taking their time leaving the car and approaching our bus.

“Hurry up, Mount!”, I tell him when he finally makes it to the bus.

“Good morning to you too, beautiful”.

“It’d be good if I didn’t have to spend it with you”.

The coaches are coming closer to us and I see Mason smiling at me as if he has just listened to the little demon on his shoulder.

“You want to sit with me on the plane? I don’t know. I usually sit with Kai but since we’re supposed to be bonding…”.

“What are you talking…”.

“Oh, that sounds brilliant”, says Potter. Should I tell him I’m a Slytherin?

“No, he’s joking”, I say with a fake laugh. “You know our Mounty. He’s a comedian. But he wants to sit with his bestie, of course. I’ll sit with one of the girls”.

“No no no”, says Mason, putting his arm around my shoulder and making me feel very uncomfortable. “I’ll do anything to make the new star of the team feel at home”.

Will they send me back to Arsenal if I punch him?

“You are going to spend the whole camp fighting, aren’t you?”, asks Pernille when we’re on the bus. But she doesn’t look annoyed. She looks amused.

“I’ll ignore him and hope he ignores me too”.

“I think he likes you”, she says.

“Well, even if he did”, which he doesn’t, “...not interested”.

Thankfully, the conversation is interrupted by others players asking if we want to play Uno to kill some time. And so that’s what we do.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Mason sitting next to Kai and looking at something on their iPad. They keep on laughing every couple of seconds. God knows what childish thing they are watching.

“Emma, honestly. I rather sit with the girls”.

I’m trying really hard to avoid sitting with Mason for two whole hours, but nothing I say is convincing her.

“It’s a bonding trip. If someone needs to bond, it’s you two”.

I guess they all have really noticed what’s going on. Great.

“Hello, travel buddy”.

I close my eyes and sigh when I hear his voice.

“I want a coffee”, I say.

“No one is stopping you from having one”, answers Mason, confused.

“Get me a coffee. If you want to sit next to me, get me a coffee. And a toastie. And a muffin. And maybe a smoothie. Check if they have any with blueberries”.

“You’re serious”.

“I don’t joke when muffins are involved, Mount”, I say, giving him a 20-pound note. “Get yourself some sweeties too”.

I can see him staring at the money in his hand and then he just leaves and walks to the nearest Starbucks. I actually can’t believe he’s going to buy me food. I was just trying to make him uncomfortable so he would leave me alone.

“We’re going to board now. You coming?”

But I don’t know whether I should wait for Mason or not. I can’t believe I feel bad about leaving him behind.

“Here you go, bestie”, he says, passing me the cup of coffee and putting a bag on the floor next to me.

“Thanks”.

And because I don’t really know how I’m feeling right now but I do know he’s making me uncomfortable again, I just take the bag and start eating. Even though I’m not really hungry.

After taking a couple of bites of my toastie, I hear a weird noise. What was that?

And then I hear it again.

“Mount? Is that your stomach?”

“Eh…yeah. I didn’t have breakfast today”.

“Why didn’t you get something for you when you were at the coffee place?”

“I don’t know”, he shrugs.

“Here”, I tell him, cutting the toastie in half and giving him the bit I didn’t bite on.

“You don’t have to. It’s your breakfast”.

“I’m not even that hungry”.

“Then why did you make me buy all of that for you?”, he asks.

“I don’t know”, I say, shrugging and copying his expression from before, which makes him smile.

He takes the toastie and devours it in no time. He really was hungry.

So when I take the muffin, I do the same.

"You don't…".

"Just take it", I say, eating my half of the muffin quickly so I can get my Kindle out and do some reading.

Mason eats the muffin just as fast as he ate the toastie and starts to look at what I'm doing.

"What kind of iPad is that?", he asks, moving closer so he can read what's on my screen.

"It's not an iPad, it's a Kindle. You know? To read books".

"I don't read".

"I'm not surprised by that fact", I say under my breath.

"Maybe you can read to me so I fall asleep. You have such a soothing voice".

That makes me choke on the coffee I'm trying to finish.

"I have a what?"

My voice can be described by many adjectives but I don't think soothing is one most people will use.

"Yes", he says, feigning seriousness. "I love it. But I'm still wondering when it's that I like it better. When you call me an asshole or when you order me around?"

I have to turn around so he doesn't see my smile.

"I never called you an asshole", I say.

"You said it with your eyes".

"Oh yeah? Were my eyes soothing too?"

"No, they are just beautiful".

This…I don't know how to do this. Whatever this is.

"Well, I'll use them to read now".

And the conversation is over.

By the time we are about to land in Scotland, I've managed to make a lot of progress with my book. I love a good thriller.

And Mason…well, he did fall asleep. But didn't need me to read to him in order to do that.

Every time I turned to look to the left, I saw his head getting closer to my shoulder. Until it found its destination.

I couldn't help but look at him. He was definitely prettier when he was asleep. The less he talks, the better.

"Sir, we are going to land", tells him a flight attendant and that finally wakes him up.

"Oh, yes. Sorry".

It's then he notices me.

"Sorry".

"It's ok. At least you didn't drool".

He laughs and keeps staring at me. I'm not usually a fan of people doing that. And it's especially weirder when Mason does it. The way he looks at people is so…intense.

"You need to fasten your seatbelt", I say and turn to busy myself putting everything back in my bag.

When we reach the place we'll be staying at, I'm lost for words. It really is a camp.

"Is this a joke?", I ask, not being able to stop my shock.

"What? It's fun!", says Azpilicueta.

"I'm actually shocked that you primadonnas can stay in this type of place without throwing a tantrum. I love camping".

“You aren’t worried about Jason coming out of the woods to murder us all?”, laughs Fran.

“No, she’s got enough dealing with Mason. No need for a Jason”, jokes Kai, making everyone laugh.

Everyone but me. I just leave them there and go find my cabin. I’m tired and I want to get changed.

“Ignore them. They just love to always take the piss out of each other”, tells me Emma while she walks towards the cabin with me.

“Oh, I don’t care. I’ll just stay with the girls most of the time anyways, since Connor isn’t here”.

“Are you friends with him? I didn’t know”.

“I am. We actually met years ago and became quite close”.

I was actually hoping to be able to do a bit of catching up with him, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

“He’ll be here in a couple of days”.

“Really?”, I say, happy to know that. “I thought he was missing the whole camp because of his injury”.

“No, he’ll join you soon”.

Once we leave our cabins, I feel the need to explore right away. But the team is allowing some free time for everyone to settle here and no one wants to come with me. So I go by myself.

I don’t dare go inside the woods, since I’m not familiar with this place yet but I go around it, enjoying the stunning views. Wifi doesn’t seem to work well here, or at all, but the camera doesn’t need any Internet to take photos. So that’s what I do. The place is truly breathtaking.

While I’m focusing on getting the right angle for a photo, I notice something moving. Was that an animal? They didn’t tell us about dangerous animals being around but one can never be too sure.

But then the animal gets closer and I see it’s a very dangerous one. One called Mason Mount.

“Are you following me?”, I ask.

“You think too highly of yourself. Why would I follow you?”

“To murder me?”

“It’s should be me who worries”, he says, sitting next to me. “I don’t hate you. You hate me”.

“I don’t…hate you”.

“You do a pretty good hating me impersonation then”.

I sigh and shake my head. He just doesn’t get it.

“Mason. I just don’t like people like you. When we first met you were so arrogant. Every question we both got was answered by you. You ignored me completely”.

“I did?”, and when he turns to look at him, he seems genuinely confused.

“You don’t remember that day?”

“No, I do remember that day. But I didn’t ignore you. I was…intimidated by you”.

“I was intimidated by you”, I say, annoyed at the misunderstanding that took place.

“Then we are both stupid”.

“Yes, but you are more stupid than me”.

I get up to look at one of the trees in front of us. The leaves are so beautiful.

“Do you want me to take a picture of you?”, asks Mason.

“What?”

“With the tree. I can take pretty good photos you know”.

“Sure”.

I give him my phone and go back to the tree.

“Smile”, he says, and I do. “Look at you smiling at me. Miracles in Scotland!”

When we are walking back to the camp, I feel…strange. It’s nice to sort of have fixed things with Mason but it also confuses me. I’ve always felt conflicted by the mixed feelings I have whenever he is around.

And even though our attitude has definitely changed, we still are paired together for every single activity, which doesn’t help.

We are taught how to shoot an arrow and I end up pretending I don’t already know how to do it. Mason, of course, thinks he already knows how to because he is Mason Mount and he knows how to do everything. But instead of being snarky, I let him think that. And I let him “teach” me because I guess it’s quite nice to have him so close to me.

When it rains, we are taken inside to do a painting class. And we have to paint a portrait of our partner. My one is actually pretty decent but Mason’s is…it’s a portrait. Of me? I’m not sure. The face he did doesn’t look particularly human but maybe he’s an abstract artist.

What I do know is that by the time I go back to my cabin, I have smudges of paint all over my chin from the times he touched it to move my face and get a better look at it. Judging by the final result, it wasn’t very helpful. But I also let him do it because I guess it was quite nice to feel his fingers caressing my face.

On day 2, we are finally going to the woods. I cannot wait!

Mason is my partner, again. And the girls won’t stop joking during breakfast about how friendly we looked yesterday.

“Didn’t you want us to get on well? Well, I’m trying”.

“Yes”, says Fran, “you seem to be suffering a lot with the effort made”.

But I just ignore them and get ready for the day, making sure I have my camera with me. Today is going to be such a great day.

#mason mount #mason mount imagine #mason mount x reader #mason mount angst #mason mount one shot #mason mount fanfic #enemies to lovers #football imagine #footballer imagine #footballer x reader #footballer fluff #footballer angst #footballer one shot

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yayforocs · 3 months ago

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Day 5 - Redesigned OC

this sortof fits i think (i hope) - tho it's less of a redesign and more of a design update? and also like. a big character pivot

but this definitely talks about why, i think :V hopefully

it is part of a bigger rp arc, so i tried to make it understandable enough on its own- apologies if it didn't end up making much sense 😅

anyway!

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She had the apartment to herself. This was a good thing, it gave her time to think.

Sarai stood in front of the bathroom mirror, leaning onto the sink counter. Her eyes stared into her own absentmindedly, because her mind was not on her current appearance but on taking in the reality of what she’d so casually- or not so casually, really- agreed to do.

Just this week alone, so much had changed. It started with her deep soul-searching that had ended with her declaration of a haircut and then later that same day having a talk with Matt. Who had tried to kill Charity. Who had almost succeeded. Who was Lotus’s best friend in the world. Who tried to kill only because he’d thought he’d had nothing left. Who she’d then promised to help find what little left he had.

Her eyes focused, and they looked up to her new bun. It sat neatly on top of her head, the slight shift in weight still unfamiliar to her.

‘I wasn’t ready for it when I was fifteen, but I’m ready to do whatever needs to be done to help now. And if it means donning gear again, I’m ok with that,’ she’d said to Lotus that day, before she even knew she’d be talking to Matt later.

She stared at her bun.

It was a fresh start. She was turning a new leaf.

‘I'm gonna hel- we- we're gonna find everyone. A-and I mean that.’

But was she ready for something like this?

This wasn’t just a haircut and a vague promise to help out more, this was- this was upending her whole life because she-

…Well, because she felt guilty.

If Matt had been telling the truth- which he had no reason not to when he was pushed to his lowest- then she had no idea just how many Octolings she’d kept from ever seeing a brighter day again. She knew it hadn’t been purposeful. But it still happened, and over the past few weeks after having the revelation that she’d been cutting off power to respawns that were still being used she really began to understand how Charity had felt.

Ages ago, during Charity’s stint in the Canyon as Agent 4, she’d had a kettle that lost power to its respawns and didn’t know til she’d already gone through most of it. She was a wreck afterwards, near afraid to go back and risk it happening again. But the Zapfish had needed rescuing, so she’d gathered herself up and somehow kept going. Sarai had been able to tell, though, that she wasn’t quite the same after that. She hadn’t seemed to really ‘recover’ from it for a while, possibly not even until after the Zapfish was back.

Sarai remembered wishing she’d known what to say to comfort her friend.

She still wishes she’d known, because maybe she’d be able to repeat the same comforts to herself now.

Sarai hadn’t gone through just one kettle like that.

It’d been the whole Valley.

She didn’t even know what exactly she’d done until Matt spat it at her two months ago, vowing revenge on Squidbeak as a whole, to take them all out except for her, so she’d know what it felt like to lose everyone.

If Lotus hadn’t happened to have been part of his old Octo Army squad, if she hadn’t happened to be part of Squidbeak herself as Agent 8…

What would’ve happened?

Would she have lost Charity?

…Maybe. Maybe not. Matt had refrained before he even knew Lotus was alive, let alone part of the team he’d sworn to kill.

So- so there had to be something there she could work with, right?

Her eyes slipped from the reflection, down to the counter. On it was lying a photo.

Eight Octolings, all gathered around each other, smiling for the camera; Matt and Lotus were the two right up front and center.

‘Oh- oh wow,’ Lotus said, near immediately tearing up. She gingerly took the photo from Sarai, and held it like she might break it if she wasn’t careful. ‘I- I forgot about this. I…’ She went quiet for a minute, staring. ‘Matt gave this to you just now?’

Sarai nodded. ‘He said he had to run and to give it to you.’

‘This is our old squad,’ Lotus said, and Sarai wasn’t sure if she was saying it to explain or just in reminiscing. ‘Before�� Matt left.’

Sarai remembered how sad Lotus had looked when she’d said that.

Would Lotus say it the same way about her once she’d gone?

Was she actually going to go?

Her hands clenched into fists. She’d agreed to help bring everyone in this picture back together- was it just guilt speaking or did she genuinely want to help? Her eyes met each Octoling’s in the photo.

Each one was gone, and both Matt and her blamed themselves for it.

So it was only fair they both went to go recover all of them, right?

It was only fair.

Sarai looked up again, back into her reflection. Into her own eyes.

If she was going to do this, now was the time. She was ready for it, and she’d tell herself that until it was true. She was going to pack up her things, let Lotus know she was going to investigate rumors about the Octo Army around Splatsville and that nothing could stop her, and she was going to move out of their shared apartment. She would tell Charity, and she would tell Quin-

Her eyes widened.

Quin.

Cod, how could she tell Quin?

He hated Matt, and even after relaying her conversation she’d had with Matt to him, his opinion still hadn’t shifted. Of course, she hadn’t mentioned her offering to help him- his reaction to everything before that let her know that it wouldn’t have been a good idea. She’d thought he’d come to the same understanding she had- he was her best friend, her counterpart, the only one she'd trusted enough to take over as Agent 3 for her- but he hadn’t.

If he couldn’t understand, even just a little, anything about why Matt had done what he’d done, why would he understand what she was doing? He’d just get angry, and stubbornly demand she stay. And then what?

She closed her eyes, and her head dipped down.

She’d tell Lotus, and she’d tell Charity.

She’d… figure out what to do about telling Quin.

Sarai breathed in, then leaned back off the sink counter.

She grabbed the photo and left the bathroom.

She had some packing to do.

#splatoon #bweirdoctober #agent 3 #inkling oc #sarai #tldr she got a hair change and also a complete shift in where she's going as a character so this is very fun :V #oc-tober

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chirpbudgie · 1 year ago

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introducing my stanley for rawts: gidget!!!!!!! his name was from his narrator so he decided to change it :-) like stanford, he loooooves learning but his narrator got after him for asking questions. for now i did some writing about him……(kept falling asleep writing it, FINALLY FINISHED!!!!!!!!!) and later? who knows.!!! i have a ref almost done which i’ll probably post later under the rawts tag. as well as a bunch of other facts and like. half a drabble that i can talk abt. but i will prolly just make a separate post! ok i’m rambling hello to @queenburd and @charmemes

some inspiration drawn from Satisfied by Pansychic27213 on ao3 but when am i not inspired by that.

The Parable had been tense for some time now. Stanley wasn’t keeping track, but the narrator probably was. He was petty like that. But it’s not like he was allowed to have time to himself to cool off, because why would that be a good idea?

(The narrator didn’t do anything unless it was his idea.)

“Come on! You can do it, Stanley.” His tone was patronizing. Of course the son of a bitch would turn up his volume. It’s not like Stanley’s feelings mattered or anything. He never respected boundaries unless he was in a good mood.

Stanley reminded himself to unclench his jaw and it popped when he did. He stepped through the left door. Hopefully, if he stayed quiet and played peacemaker for a while the narrator would stop trying to get a rise out of him.

(No broom closet. Comfort is off limits right now so it isn’t taken away again.)

He pretended to be surprised in the meeting room. Stanley stifled a sigh in the bosses office while the monologue continued, but still acted thoughtful and put a random code in before the real one. Looked around a little, raised his eyebrows, furrowed them.

And he pretended to look surprised when the elevator opened. He did not need to pretend to be surprised when he caught movement in the corner of his vision and tripped on a wire. Obviously the narrator moved it, but a wave of fear washed over him when he thought about giving a response.

(Okay, so he wouldn’t give fake reactions. He was just trying to play along; usually it’s appreciated. Use your words, narrator—what are you, three?)

The narrator’s voice was still cranked up and echoed in the large chamber, bless his heart. Stanley gripped the hem of his shirt as he walked and his senses buzzed unpleasantly.

(He was not going to have a meltdown this soon after their fight. He wasn’t. Not a sensory one, anyway. He’d rather go down from his own choices.)

His fear had finally receded to anger again and the button panel was his victim. The narrator didn’t care how hard he punched it, since it was obviously made of something strong. (He’d love to determine what exactly, but he didn’t have a magnet. Wasn’t allowed one, after…)

(He couldn’t remember. Didn’t want to, anyway.)

With the telltale buzz of the monitor shutting down, Stanley could make out the narration again. He sighed with relief. Now that the volume was normal, he listened in (out of politeness, but still).

“Stanley reflected on how many puzzles still lay unsolved. Where had his co-workers gone? How had he been freed from the machines grasp? What other mysteries did this strange building hold?” The narrator’s voice was mocking when he asked the questions and it was grating like nails on a chalkboard. The voice he always used to mock Stanley. Anger bubbled up again. Maybe his co-workers had left because they couldn’t stand the sheer disrespect of this guy. They should’ve taken him with; subjecting him to this was a fate worse than death.

“But as sunlight streamed into the chamber, he realized none of this mattered to him. For it was not knowledge, or even power, he had been seeking, but happiness. Perhaps his goal had not been to understand, but to let go.”

Stay calm, Stanley. Deep breaths. Don’t let him get a reaction out of you.

“No longer would anyone tell him where to go, what to do, or how to feel. Whatever life he lives, it will be his. And that was all he needed to know. It was, perhaps, the only thing worth knowing. Stanley stepped-“

Stanley kicked the door as hard as he could before it disappeared beneath the floor and the echoing boom drowned out the voice. This motherfucker wanted to irritate him sooooo bad. Well, he did it. Happy?

{Boohoo}, Stanley emphasized his middle fingers in the sign. {Someone doesn’t want to address his plot-holes. I’ve been trying to be nice here, and here you go probably SPITTING all over yourself as you talk. Haven’t you ever heard, “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all?”}

The silence was deafening. He could practically see “the outside” change hues to an ugly yellow, warping and melting. He pushed back the fear that resurfaced and let the rage boil in him.

“Stanley. Stepped. Through. The. Door.” The narrator’s poorly concealed fury made his guts churn.

{Stop antagonizing me, I thought I was the protagonist. Isn’t that, like, one of the first rules of storytelling? You already have a conflict, you can’t make me another one out of nowhere.}

The reset felt more like a punch.

He was now in the Serious Room, which had long ago been revamped for solitary confinement. “TIMEOUT” was written in red blocky letters on one of the concrete walls, but it was the only feature remaining.

Fuck, he was in big trouble. He knows exactly what his punishment is going to be.

———

The Narrator relaxed as the restrictions of a human body melted away.

The last Parable had been rougher than he’d hoped. Just a little time to himself would be nice, or even some time with his Stanley. But he had a job to do and by god, he’ll do it.

This Stanley, he noted, did not seem to be… present. He stumbled through the halls—toward the freedom ending each time—with wide, glazed over eyes and the bucket clutched to his chest. This narrator did not seem particularly cruel, even encouraging him softly along the way. When he looked closely, this narrator’s presence was concentrated around Stanley like a blanket.

It was the fourth or fifth run that Stanley seemed to come back to himself. He didn’t stand up from his chair, disgust and guilt curling out from him in thick waves. The Narrator reeled a little, not expecting such strong emotions just from the surface. Stanley still held the bucket, apparently allowed to keep it between resets, but kept a poker face. The other narrator had receded some too, he noted.

“Are you feeling better, Stanley?” This narrator spoke. There was no softness like before, just down-to-business.

A burst of disgust billowed from Stanley again (strong enough to make The Narrator gag a little, despite his incorporeality). The office worker nodded weakly but didn’t lift his eyes from the ground.

“Good. Get on with it when you’re ready, I’ll wait out here. I hope you’ve learned your lesson.”

Stanley shudders suddenly and The Narrator feels a hazy memory. “it’s my fault,” echoes in his mind, but it feels more like a reassurance than a fact.

This Stanley is too fragile right now, The Narrator realizes. It hurts to step back and deny the poor man a hug, but he very likely wouldn’t be able to handle it in this… brainwashed state.

He still looks dazed when he completes the freedom ending again, but seems more aware after another reset and hides in the broom closet.

So it’s a drop in the bucket (figuratively) to soundproof the small room. It’s wiser for The Narrator to stay hidden from the other until he knows the extent of his seemingly unpredictable behavior.

Stanley startles at the sound of shoes hitting the ground. He stares at the new man with his hands up, but can’t seem to form anything to say. He rocks a little from his position on the floor.

That’s alright, of course. The Narrator will give him all the time he needs.

{Who?} Stanley finally manages before frantically sitting on his hands.

“I’m The Narrator of a different Stanley,” he begins, speaking softly. It’s a little hard on his knees, but he sits down on the floor too. This Stanley feels like a scared, cornered animal. “I’m going to help you leave. Would you like some company in the meantime?”

Stanley squirms a little. He has so many questions that they’re practically forced into The Narrator’s head, but he only nods. His expression is conflicted.

“Let’s see…” Wow, that is a lot, he’ll go in order. “I’m not completely sure how I’m here either. I can exist outside of this body, but most Stanleys seem to prefer I use it when we first meet. No, I created it-“

{Are you reading my mind?!} Stanley signs frantically. His mouth has dropped wide open.

“You might as well be handing them to me on sticky-notes, dear boy,” he chuckles. “I’m only listening to the surface level.”

But Stanley shrinks back. {Sorry, I hope it’s not too many questions. My narrator doesn’t do that.} He wrings his hands together and looks everywhere else.

He’s panicking, The Narrator realizes. Stanley is fearful of asking. It makes him want to cry and hold this poor man until he’s never afraid again.

He pulls himself to sit next to the office worker and holds his hand. “I don’t mind—in fact, I enjoy it very much. Ask to your hearts content.”

This Stanley wears his heart on his sleeve, it seems, and the sudden emotions hit him like a brick. It’s almost overstimulating at first.

Stanley takes a deep breath, shaky. {Thank you,} he fumbles. He wants to say more, but he doesn’t want to unlink their hands. Touch-starvation is one hell of a drug and he thinks he’ll start crying if he lets go.

Even with the reassurance, an unspoken question rests on his fingers. He finally looks back at The Narrator, who has a welcoming smile on his face. “Of course, whatever you want.”

He shuffles closer gingerly, like if he moves too fast The Narrator might leave. The older man bridges the divide and Stanley is settled in his lap.

“I’ll tell you if I’m uncomfortable,” he hums and Stanley relaxes. He curls up, resting his head against The Narrator’s shoulder. A hand begins to rub his back and he takes a deep breath again, this time in relief.

His own narrator is a ticking time bomb—he’s had to learn to switch gears fast. And that probably sped up the process of him getting here, in such a vulnerable position, but he doesn’t mind all that much. In fact, this is the first time in a long time that he’s been able to remember what hope is truly like.

But the thoughts bleed out of him like sand through a sieve. He doesn’t fight it like he always does. He’s never been truly comforted like this, it’s so earnest—there’s no fear that his coping mechanism will be exploited. That he’ll be exploited for the story.

Stanley has plenty of questions, but he can ask them later. When he remembers them.

(The Narrator notes that Stanley’s contentment is an emotion that feels stale. Like a stuffed animal that’s been moved around, but hasn’t been played with in years; dust collecting deep and thick in the fur.)

#chirping #repeat and write this story #tsp #the stanley parable #tsp oc ?#hrmmmm #anyways #gidget is just a little guy in a big world #he just wants to be held. the narrator indulges him #gidget rawts

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joshuasearing · 1 year ago

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Monday 23rd October 2023

Hey journal so it has been an ok morning I woke up and once I got up I played some shop titans on my phone. I have also wrote in my book journal. I have also edited some tiktok videos and posted some tiktoks. I have also had a shower, shave, washed my face and just done self care really. I am now at the bus stop waiting for the bus, so I can get the bus to the gym. It I’m being totally honest I am feeling really down and alone this morning and idk why. Also to make things worse last night sleep wasn’t really peaceful, as I had a couple really bad nightmares and it was not great at all. I have been having nightmares every night recently. Especially past few days as my brain has been really playing up and has been on really high alert. Anyways I also have a driving lesson at 16:15pm and it is an hour and a half long. I am really not looking forward to it. I get scared before every lesson I swear it is awful. The fear has not really come away and I have been doing driving lessons for ages now. It’s definitely been nearly a year for how long I’ve been doing it. I just hope the fear will finally disappear at some point. Most of the time I end my driving lesson sweating as I have been that anxious throughout the lesson. I think it does not help that I do not trust myself very much and I do not trust myself driving this massive dangerous load of metal. I have definitely got better at driving but I do still proceed to get nervous. I think it doesn’t help that my driving lessons are very inconsistent and that I do not drive that often. I would like to think if I was driving more often it would not be as bad. The only way I think that my nerves is to go away fully is if I got a car myself and started driving it way more often. Anyways I do hope my driving lesson doesn’t go too bad hopefully it goes well. Also another bad thing is after every driving lesson. Once the driving lesson has finished I get this great sense of relief it is awful. I feel like thank fuck I didn’t crash after every lesson it’s funny but really bad if you deep it.

Another thing I want to speak about it how I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I feel like I’m constantly working on myself and working really hard but yet I feel like I am not really moving forward in life, although I really want to. Like I am constantly working hard but at the end of the day I feel like so mentally and physically drained it is not a great feeling. Also every morning I wake up feeling exhausted as well it is not good at all. Changing the subject I am now on the bus but once I post this I will be in the gym most likely I will no longer be on the bus.

On a positive note I get paid by work on Thursday. Hopefully my pay is good though as all I feel like I have been doing recently is working and it has been stressing me out. I feel like work has been half my life at this point if not more than half my life. Anyways I will speak to you later journal! Bye journal!

#daily journal #journal #my hobby

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hinar3dx · 1 year ago

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APSJDNFNWJFJEJX OK SO IVE JUST CAUGHT UP ON TEAM HARMONY (Turns out I didn’t read up to chapter 23 like I thought I did-) AND THE NEWEST CHAPTER TOO AND- O M G ? ? ? ? ?

First off: It was literal PERFECTION- frickin Itachi and Hinata are so CUTE and I love the way they interact!!! (Her noticing Itachi’s attractiveness was a nice add on!!!)

Itahina is literally my weak spot, every time y’all write it I feel a piece of myself m e l t ! i feel like this little scene might lead to conflict later down the line between Hinata and Sasuke though. He already feels second best to Itachi, and like his replacement, so how will he react once (if) he finds out about these little meet ups? speaking of conflicts- Naruto’s sadness/anger at the announcement made me feel for him like- i can’t- the way Sasuke handles it is kinda annoying like- HE WAS GONNA LEAVE HIM OUT OF SUNRISE WATCHING??? NAH-

Also! I’m very curious about Minato and what he’s doing about what Hinata told him about Itachi and Danzo. It’s definitely something important, and I know he’s doing an investigation, but it just feels like he’s not gonna be able to do much unless he gets something concrete, something he can chase. Which brings to mind, why didn’t Hinata tell him about the arm? Even though Itachi told her not to, would it not be helpful for her to throw Minato a bone and tell him?

And Sai sneaking around Hinata!!!! Danzo better watch out before dismissing her so easily, but what exactly will Sai be doing? What’s his mission? and the C-rank from hell!!! How will Team Kakashi handle Zabuza and Haku? Assuming y’all are following the canon timeline and will have that be their first c-rank! I’m really curious to see where everything will go!

i hope your hiatus treats y’all well! I shall patiently await the next chapter.

-Your Obedient Reader

To my Obedient Reader,

There will definitely be some issues that will come to a boiling point by the time we hit the Search for Tsunade arc! In fact, it's something we're VERY excited to write and post up for our readers. I know what direction I want it to go in, but I have to let it write itself out when we get to it <3

As for how Sasuke handles Naruto's emotions, it's a bit heartless but he does have to think about it politically rather than emotionally. Still, he is also just a kid who is now officially engaged to the girl he's super into so he wants alone time. But I totally get it!

There's a lot that Hinata can't reveal to Minato outright, even though they're both aware of who her "source" is. With the arm, Itachi wants to be sure and have more information than just the arm. He wants to give Minato the how and who is helping so he'll have more to go on in the future. I hope that makes sense <3

Sai's mission is the one he is still working on when you meet him in Shippudden canonically! I should've made that one a bit more clear, sorry!

The Land of Waves arc is going to go mostly the same as in canon, so hopefully, it won't be too boring or even disappointing. There will be differences that account for how strong they currently are as well as having a Byakugan on the team this time around though!

Honestly, this hiatus was meant to also help me get my butt into gear so I can finish writing the rest of part one before giving birth, but I've mostly just been crocheting and sleeping and nesting! Hopefully, I can get more done soon!

Thank you so much for your asks! They make our day <3 Every time I show them to R3DX, he gets pretty proud (especially since this is his first time delving into fanfiction), so that's always nice to see. I hope I was able to clear some things up!

#hina answers

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jodilin65 · 1 year ago

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SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2023 I was up for 19 hours the night before last but part of that was because I was sick. I had a surprising amount of nausea and acid reflux and no idea why. I don’t have a gallbladder anymore. I’m guessing some of the blueberries I ate were bad or I had too many peanuts.

Last night, I fell asleep after the standard 16 hours but woke up an hour earlier with less than 7 hours of sleep. That and what the scale says is definitely pointing to the medication as being the cause. I don’t mind being down a few pounds. I just hope this intermittent lung tightness isn’t related! I don’t feel wired or jittery, so hopefully I’m not on the way to getting stabbed with waves of that God-awful anxiety. No way I’m increasing my dose! I hesitate to decrease it as long as I’m not anxious because if I need less sleep, then that’s less chance of being woken up and I don’t have to worry about gaining more weight either. The med is also causing me to wake up more. At least I think it’s on the med. Maybe I’ll decrease my waiting time before coffee to a half hour and see if it makes a difference in my sleep. The long 18 to 20-hour stretches of being awake and then sleeping 6 or 7 hours get to be a bit much for me. I’m not even at the 6-week marker yet, so I’m a little worried. If I can get past 6 weeks without getting worse, and especially 8 weeks, then I can relax a little easier.

I also have this gross feeling in my mouth that went away as soon as I got yogurt again. But now it’s back, even though I haven’t stopped having yogurt every day. Maybe I just need my teeth cleaned. Really hope whatever’s causing my irritation isn’t any big deal. We’re in so much debt! I’ll find out on Monday. I was a little annoyed because they left a voicemail asking me to call to confirm the appointment I scheduled online. Couldn’t this have been done by text messaging? The purpose of scheduling online is to not have to make calls. At least they answered right away.

As long as I don’t increase my dose or start a new medication while he’s at work, I should be OK. When the weather and schedule permit, I’ll make a point of getting out more. As I said, the scale is the biggest indicator. This tiny little increase is a reminder of just how potent this stuff is. Had that shit of an endo I first saw jumped me to 100mcg, she might very well have killed me.

I was frustrated yesterday because I was unable to meet with Helen due to tech issues. Apparently, every Friday, she works out of an office building instead of her house. Well, they were having problems due to storm damage. Between my schedule and other appointments, we won’t be able to meet again until the 16th.

Not much of a storm season so far. And of course, anytime it has rained, I’ve been asleep. Tom said the last time there was mild thunder.

No leaks visible in the bidet I prefer that Tom fixed with epoxy and installed in my bathroom so I can have a drier booty. Saves on toilet paper too.

It’s looking like I’m definitely cured down there. Will have him play peekaboo later to see if he can see anything he shouldn’t see.

THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023 GrammarlyGO is pretty cool. It generates a paragraph for you based on a word prompt you provide. Although I may not use it much, it's fun to play around with. Love how it also rewrites our own sentences/paragraphs if we don't quite like the way it came out.

Word prompt: rat.

I recently saw a rat scurry across the sidewalk, and it made me jump. I know they're just part of the urban ecosystem, but they still give me the creeps!

Word prompt: dream.

Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was walking through a field of wildflowers, the sun was shining and the air was warm. As I walked, I felt a sense of peace and happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. It was like all my worries and fears had disappeared, and I was free to just enjoy the moment. I wish I could have stayed in that dream forever.

Word prompt: sing.

I love to sing! It's one of my favorite things to do. Whether I'm singing in the shower, in the car, or on stage, there's nothing quite like the feeling of letting my voice soar. There's something so freeing about belting out a song, letting all my emotions out in the lyrics and melody. I may not have the best voice in the world, but I know that when I sing, I'm expressing myself in a way that nothing else can match. So if you ever need a karaoke partner or just someone to jam out with, count me in!

Word prompt: doll.

I used to love playing with dolls when I was younger. I had a whole collection of them and spent hours dressing them up and pretending they were real. It's funny to think back on it now, but there was something so comforting about having those little companions to talk to and take care of. I even had a special doll that my grandma gave me that I treasured above all the others. It had been hers when she was a child and she passed it down to me as a keepsake. I still have it to this day and every time I look at it, it brings back so many happy memories.

Word prompt: diary.

Dear Diary,

Today was quite eventful. I woke up early and went for a jog around the park. The fresh air and morning sun felt invigorating. After that, I spent some time catching up on work emails and organizing my schedule for the week.

In the afternoon, I met up with some friends for lunch. We went to a new restaurant that just opened up in town and the food was amazing! We chatted and laughed for hours, catching up on each other's lives.

Later on, I went to the gym for a workout. It was a tough one, but I pushed through and felt great afterward. I ended the day by reading a book in bed, feeling content and grateful for all the blessings in my life.

Until tomorrow, [Miss Rainbow]

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2023 Ray removed all of the statues around the front and side of his place except for the large pelican. Surprisingly, though, work hasn’t yet begun on his yard.

My heart rate dropped to 68 in my sleep for the first time in weeks and I got a sleep score of 90. For a while, it was only getting down to around 73. It’s a good thing I’m caught up on my sleep because it looks like we’re in for more thunderstorms. And of course, they’re going to happen when I’m sleeping. Really didn’t think we would have much of a storm season, because it’s been so dry here. But I swear it’s like a switch has been flicked on.

I was quickly and easily able to schedule a cleaning appointment online with my dentist for the 1st. I worry I have yet another cavity because I’ve been feeling some stinging. Argh!

They say that most individuals can only be pushed so far before they snap. Well, what I’m wondering these days is how far society is going to let itself be pushed before it fights back.

The abortion fight isn’t just sad, infuriating, and worrisome. It’s utterly batshit, over-the-top ridiculous. I mean just fucking insane! All this bickering back and forth from both sides over something that should be nobody’s business but the women it personally involves. I’m truly embarrassed for these people and their behavior.

When the abortion pill is heavily restricted if not banned completely, I wonder if that’s what it’s going to finally take for the people of this country to start fighting back. If not, how many more rights and freedoms have to be snatched before society finally gets fed up enough to start eradicating some of these extremists who are turning so many lives upside down? Just like an abusive partner or spouse doesn’t usually stop on their own, crazy flourishes where crazy is allowed to do so. When will it be time to do more than just shout in the streets while waving signs? If people don’t put their foot down, sooner or later this is going to escalate into something this country has probably never seen before in its existence.

MONDAY, APRIL 24, 2023 I was really hoping I would be sleeping later by now just in case Ray starts having work done on his place this week. I’ll be crashing in the late morning, though. It’s still hard to believe someone would spend that much money to widen their driveway for visitors, especially here, but with my shit luck, he was dead serious about doing that and not just thinking about it. Tom thinks he may back out because of the costs. Nah, I think this guy has a lot more money than we do.

I’m in a blah mood right now. Not quite depressed but not good either. I definitely need to get out, and Tom and I will see to that as soon as I’m staying up later, even if it’s mostly to play the damn appointment game. My eyes are gonna be sensitive to the sun since I’ve been indoors since my surgery. One appointment I have to make is for the dentist because as usual, I have another fucking cavity. It’s on the upper left molar behind the new bridge. So sick of all these dental and health issues!

All my bandages came off yesterday. The scars are healing nicely, but I still seem to have some upper belly bloating. I’m surprised I’m not itching like crazy.

I wish I could be excited about the future, but honestly, I’m just not. I just don’t see any room left for surprises in our lives at our ages. Not good ones anyway. I forget that when he gets back to work the money will be in addition to his retirement and not in place of it, so getting a full-time job he really doesn’t want to lose isn’t critical. He assured me that if they fire him because he has to cart me around to too many doctors, he’ll just get another one. It still sucks either way.

I'm sure this is pure fantasy just like everything else we hope and plan for but since we are where we are in life, it would be nice if he only had to work long enough to get us out of debt and upgrade this place. Then he would quit and not go back to work until the debt mounted again or we wanted to do something expensive like go cruising or fly off to wherever. Only problem is it would take a hell of a lot more than just part-time or a few months to get ahead and get this place upgraded. It sucks because it's like our only choice is for him to work and us to have more money which is good but less time together as opposed to him staying home and us being broke. Either way, we can't do much. He either stays home and we don't have money to do things or he goes to work and he doesn't have time for things while I don't have the energy whether he’s home or not.

I was pretty tired all night and even took a nap. I slept OK, so I’m not sure why I’m tired. I guess my body is still healing although this is also common for me.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not I really want to go to a cardiologist and get that baseline established that Tom thinks would be good to do. On the one hand, I can’t imagine anything wrong being discovered. But then with my track record of them finding things wrong, I’m afraid of what they may come up with.

Is it selfish to hope you die before your husband? I don’t want to leave him alone, of course, but at the same time, even though I know he loves the hell out of me, I feel like he wouldn’t be nearly as lonely and lost without me as I would without him. Plus, he can drive himself where he needs to go. Because he’s more independent, I think that he would be able to handle living alone a lot easier than I ever could these days. It’s both sad and scary to think about either way but my mind can’t help but go to these dark places at times and wonder who will go first. Or better yet, will I go first while he lives on to die of natural causes, or will he die with me quickly following because I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without him? Then I wonder about a possible afterlife, and it all spirals out of control in my mind that I need to kill the hurricane in my brain and get back to whatever pleasant thoughts I can manage to muster up in my mind. That whole trying to live in the moment thing doesn’t always work for me. I’m trying, though!

I just published some old entries from the early 90s on MD and was reading an excerpt where my mother demands I call her only once a month. So typical of her and so stupid of me to put up with someone like that. It was unacceptable behavior from someone not related to me, and twice as unacceptable from my own damn mother. We both knew damn well it wasn’t really about money. It was that the bitch couldn’t stand me. She always hated me. Or at least she hated having to listen to me on the phone or be around me in any way. What mother wants her daughter who lives nearly 3000 miles away to call just 12 times a year?

SATURDAY, APRIL 22, 2023 Sure enough, my yeast infection symptoms flared back up. So now I’m going to be trying a single-dose pill of Diflucan. I’m skeptical that one pill can kill this shit but we’ll see. I just can’t get a fucking break! Maybe I just needed to do a 7-day treatment instead of a 3-day.

I also have that yucky thrush that leaves my mouth feeling gross that I get when I don’t have yogurt. Kroger will deliver that tomorrow and a few other things. After we use up the three deliveries we get without having to pay a delivery fee, we’ll go back to Walmart. Yes, Walmart does a shitty job but they’re cheaper and we’re more familiar with their stuff. They also don’t seem to be as out of stock as Kroger is.

I asked Tom if he would want to live another 50 to 100 years if he could, and he said sure he would. Me? I’m not so sure. This country is still heading in the wrong direction and even if it wasn’t, I just can’t imagine living that long. Especially with limited money which wouldn’t allow us to do as much. I’m really worried about our future. I know whatever is going to be is going to be, and we’ll have little to no control over it. But I worry about him having to work until he dies. I’m even more worried about him not being able to work and not having enough money to live on.

I could never “see” us redoing the floors and other things here and assumed that meant we would eventually be moving because his program worked out. Now I’m starting to think I don’t see it because we’re not moving and we’re not going to have the money to make the upgrades. Oh, well. As long as he stays healthy and I don’t get as anxious as I used to. After just five months, I’m not ready to breathe a sigh of relief and think I’ve escaped that shit. It’s way too soon.

No insomnia yesterday. I guess the long stretches caught up to me because I actually fell asleep a couple hours earlier than normal and slept 8 hours.

The new hair dye and hair dye kit are great. You get a much more natural look with this stuff because it covers more evenly. Just a little darker than I prefer. I suppose I can always lighten it up later on.

I had a dream we were helping these two homeless women that we took in. I swear one of them looked like Marsha C from Valleyhead and Nancy K from jail. They were still young, though, and he seemed willing to help them but I didn’t trust them. They seemed to sense this and hung out with him more often on one side of the house which didn’t look like this place while I worried on the other side that they were making a mess and worse. Worse as in seriously taking advantage of Tom.

FRIDAY, APRIL 21, 2023 Got our first Kroger delivery and it was pretty good. Not sure if we’re going to stick with them or not. They are more expensive, but we may have no choice because we just can’t get Walmart to do the job properly. Their site seemed simple enough to navigate. The only thing I don’t like is that you have to keep loading more results. I kind of like the nutritional score that most of their items have. I don’t take it too seriously, but it’s cool to see.

When I informed Andy that I would be getting my gallbladder removed, I thought about how he would tell Judy. Sure enough, he said she said something about one of my parents getting theirs removed (which I’d forgotten about until I read back on an old journal entry from decades ago), and that right there told me that, yes, he’s still filling her in on what’s going on with me which means others are being filled in as well. I don’t know why, but this bugs me. It isn’t that he’s sharing top-secret information that I want to be kept between us. Believe me, if it was that private, I wouldn’t share it with him. It’s just that it’s no one’s business. Why does anyone I’m not friends with need to know what’s going on with me unless I tell them directly or share it in a public journal entry? Why would she care, not that she has ill feelings toward me? I’m flattered he feels I’m that interesting to discuss. But what about what’s going on with him and in his life? Is his own life that boring?

I got a text with a link for my dental cleaning but the link takes me to a blank page. I jumped on their website and was pleased to find that you can schedule online. Hopefully, it works when it comes time to start scheduling the rest of my appointments. I need to get new glasses first. Things are getting pretty blurry.

Jessie’s upset because her doctor wants her to remain on 88s. She said she’s gained 4-5 lbs. What’s weird is that she won’t give me her numbers. I keep asking and she says she’ll have to look on the computer. I know her memory isn’t great, but is it really that bad, and is it really that hard for her to check? I was just curious but whatever. She needs to go by how she feels and not what the numbers say, just like I do.

I’m starting to wonder if my dose increase is what’s been causing my insomnia lately. I don’t have any other symptoms, but I’m staying up for around 19 hours and not sleeping as long. Jessie says she doesn’t sleep as long on higher doses. Tom thinks it's because I haven't been as active due to the surgery. The only time I slept more was in the first 3-4 days after surgery. If the upper belly bloating doesn’t go down, I’m going to be getting a little concerned because the AI bot said it could be gas or fluid buildup. My bandages are getting closer to falling off. They’re slowly peeling off. Some of them are barely hanging on.

Last night I was mostly in a blah mood, but we think it was because it was nighttime and I spent the bulk of it alone. We had fun playing the new golf course and gathering lost balls. It’s an Egyptian-themed course called Temple at Zerzura. I beat him by one point, even though it was my first time playing and his second time.

I was able to hit the road for 20 minutes yesterday. Reaching the Belgian border is definitely going to be delayed due to the surgery. I’m 19% through the trip now. Robert announced that the next challenge will involve flowers which is fine with me since I love them.

I asked Irma’s opinion on Ray’s talk about widening his driveway and if she thought it was for visitors or if someone could be moving in, and she thinks it’s for visitors. I hope so because, fortunately, he doesn’t have them that often. It would be even better if he decided it was too much money and not worth it. She did say he was considering moving here permanently and would be returning with a lot of stuff from Michigan. Not a bunch of noisy power tools, I hope!

He may have started using his lanai because I saw one of the windows open.

I’ve been missing many of the Jewish foods I grew up on. I looked up some of the recipes but they’re not that easy to make. Gribenes, Kishka, Kugel, Matzo ball soup, lox, potato latkes, and more. I got some Matzo flatbread to snack on.

I don’t remember my dreams the last time around but before that, I had a dream I was hanging out with Andy. We both had Fitbits, even though he’s never had an interest in having one. There were some vital numbers we were checking out that might have been related to blood pressure, and he looked at his and was pleased by what he saw. I read mine off and he said, “Damn!” knowing they weren’t good. Then I started whimpering as if I was afraid I didn’t have much longer to go.

In real life, I’m still guessing it’s very unlikely my mildly prominent main pulmonary artery means anything. And I definitely don’t feel like I have one foot in the grave either.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19, 2023 I may have gotten to escape listening to Ray get his new AC put in, but I’m not going to escape the annoyances over there that are about to come. May even be a little more than just annoying. The bitch’s motorcycle; that’s annoying. This may border on maddening, and who knows how much sleep I may lose, depending on when it’s done.

I haven’t gone out because I’m still recovering but Tom met Ray. He talked to him and a guy he had out for an estimate on rocks for his yard. It’s not rocks I’m worried about. He’s only doing the front and that takes a day or two. It’s the fact that he wants to widen his driveway that has me concerned. He asked if it was for a golf cart and he said no, it was for a vehicle. My first question was, why does he need a second vehicle? Tom thinks it’s for friends to park. But why would you spend $500 or more for friends to park when they can park in the street? They don’t want you parking in the street overnight, but there’s no reason you can’t park on the street when visiting people. I worried it was so he could have room to set up a workshop but Tom says it’s too humid for that here and he doesn’t seem like the type. Maybe someone’s moving in with him?

Well, he definitely has money if he can get a new AC and then rocks for his yard, which costs twice as much as sod, and widen his driveway while he’s at it. What’s next? The roof and the windows? I asked Irma, and she said the roof is 18 years old with 30-year shingles so maybe it will be 12 years before I have to listen to that. The windows are definitely the original, though.

I really hope he is doing all this for visitors because they’re going to widen it in our direction which means the cars are going to be closer to the wall of our house. This will be a maddening project compared to laying the rocks. It’s going to take a week or more and not only involve loud vehicles but a shitload of sawing and hammering too. The hammering would be the biggest threat to my sleep.

I knew this guy was too quiet to be true and that he wouldn’t stay this quiet forever, and somehow I doubt he’s taking off for Michigan in May either.

Rocks are so much more expensive here than they were in California because they have to haul them from further away.

I asked Tom if he got the sense that he might get a dog and he said that was harder to tell. He said he doesn’t seem healthy enough to ride a motorcycle. Says he doesn’t seem in the greatest health but not like he’s gonna die any time soon either.

So I won’t be sleeping well if I’m on nights when all this happens, and I’ll be driven crazy by the noise if I’m on days. Good thing I just charged up my headphones.

Irma was surprised when I told her he got a new AC because she said the AC guy said to keep it until it stopped because the new ones aren’t as good as the old ones.

The same delivery driver came today and this time quietly. I thanked Amazon on Twitter and said it was too bad they couldn’t take care of satisfying their Alexa customers as quickly as with annoying delivery drivers. But this time they gave me a new tip that might actually work. They told me to tell Alexa, “Stop by the ways,” and Alexa said she would snooze that for now. I’m sure the annoyances will pick up again within a month or so but if it will work for periods of time, why not?

TUESDAY, APRIL 18, 2023 Gmail has a promotional tab and who should they want to promote to me? Gastro Florida of course. No thanks!

Shoving foreign objects up my lady pouch without lube is not a comfortable experience. When I do the final insert, I’m just gonna shove it up there with my finger. The treatment seems to be doing the trick so far, but that’s what I thought about the antibiotics. I’m not about to jinx myself by assuming this problem has finally been resolved. Every time I do, the burning flares back up. I am at least a little hopeful, though, given my symptoms.

Despite feeling confident that I don’t have pulmonary hypertension, I do kind of dread going to the cardiologist only because I’m afraid of what they might turn up that I wasn’t aware of. In the less than two years we’ve been in Florida, they’ve already discovered three things I didn’t even know I had. A fatty tumor they have to make sure isn’t growing. A dead gallbladder. And now enlarged lung arteries. Makes me wonder what other hidden little gems my body may be hiding that are just waiting to be discovered.

I have more fatigue today than yesterday, but I haven’t been able to nap.

I told Jessie I wish I had her problem where she has to beg for more thyroid medication while I have to beg my doctors not to push more on me since I don't feel well in the normal range. If my TSH gets under a 6, then I have epic anxiety. I'd rather stay fat and calm.

I thought about it and decided to just forget about the home improvement list. It isn’t that I don’t want to do these things but I’m tired of setting unobtainable goals. You can’t fail to reach your dreams and meet your goals if you stop dreaming and stop making plans. From here on out, it’s best to just make do with what we’ve got. In order to keep me occupied, whenever he manages to return to work, that’s when I’ll really tackle reorganizing this place and making things fit better into what little space we have now that we’ve gotten settled.

As for the carpet and the way it’s rough on my feet, there’s always lotion or shoes.

As for doing a thorough soundproofing of the bedroom, the storm seasons are likely to have fewer and fewer storms due to drier conditions. I really believe this is a new trend for this area that will exist for many years to come.

The voice tweet I left a few days ago has eight listens. I should be flattered, LOL. Yeah, sometimes I like to speak what’s on my mind instead of voice-typing it. Like how fucked up Walmart is. They have been screwing up every single fucking order lately Tom is spending more time on the phone with them than is worth the savings of not having to go to the store. They’re not giving us everything we order, or they’re giving us the wrong items, or they’re giving me rotten fruit and veggies. We definitely need to find an alternative. As much as I hate crowds, if it was that easy, I would just go get the stuff myself, because then I could see exactly what we were getting. We might look into Kroger which does deliveries, but I have a feeling they’re going to be pretty pricey.

I can kind of see where they would be cracking down on cell phones at work, but I still don’t understand why nobody’s doing anything to put a damper on delivery drivers from blasting music. I literally had to get dressed and go out and shoo the Amazon driver away. Not only did he deliver the package with music blasting, but he sat there in front of the house for several minutes. I didn’t need it and the neighbors didn’t need it. I complained on Twitter and Amazon, but I doubt anything will change.

We decided to splurge on some things, so we both got new shorts from Amazon and I got a clear purse with light pink straps. It’s a little on the small side but good for running out to stores and doctors. This way, I don’t have to hunt for things. If God forbid we ever get to vacation again, then I would take my regular, bigger purse.

From a site called Temu, we got several things for dirt cheap. He got a scrubber for doing the inside of the car windows, garden gloves, and a sink drain for his bathroom.

I got doll clothes for my 18-inch dolls. 14 pieces in all. The whole order came to just over $50. I got 8 dresses, 3 top/bottom sets, a swimsuit, pajamas, and a jumpsuit.

MONDAY, APRIL 17, 2023 Happy 42nd birthday, Aly! Kim and I miss you so much. If you’re out there somewhere in some kind of afterlife, I hope you’re having a blast. I hope you’re getting to do all the things you didn’t get to do when you were alive.

It just seems so unfair. She should be home now after working with kids which she loved. She should be checking in with me on Skype to tell me about her day and hear about mine. She should be opening the package I sent her and telling me about other cards and gifts she received. I should be hearing about the progress she’s making on her story for Camp Nano and sharing mine. Maybe even asking her opinion or advice on whatever I’m writing since she was a better writer. She should be filling me in on what’s going on with her and Cam, real or imagined. We should be laughing over some silly shit Molly tweeted while we were at it.

I know I wrote that I felt a bit hurt that Jessie hadn’t checked in more often. Well, she proved that she is still a caring friend after all because I awoke to a message from her asking how I was doing. She said she didn’t want to bug me and wake me up by messaging me, but I assured her that I not only appreciated her taking the time to check in, but the phones and computers could never wake me up because they’re not near me. Well, one phone is but I have all the sounds off.

Even Kim checked in with me and that really put a smile on my face. I really miss her. I miss all my friends. I’m talking about Nurse Kim, not Crazy Kim. I’ll email Crazy Kim later. Since Aly was a mutual friend of ours, I know she’s sad too.

I’m still having some shortness of breath, soreness and fatigue, but I’m definitely on the mend. Being able to sleep on my stomach, even if not for long, feels luxurious.

It was great to be able to go to France for 15 minutes and hit the road again. I’ve got about 1770 miles to go.

The antibiotics caused a yeast infection so now I’m treating that. One thing after another, I swear!

Later… Warning! This entry contains some medical talk that may be a bit on the gross side for some people, so viewer discretion is definitely advised.

I wonder if I ever really had a UTI. Thank God for Tom because I had him look down there to see if he found any discoloration or raised spots I wasn't feeling and he said I had white globs down there which told me I had a yeast infection. I was so fucking frustrated. Lab results said I had no UTI yet the last UTI test strip I used was red and I was burning like crazy. My doctor recommended I go to urgent care if I didn't want to wait to get into a GYN. This was the last thing I wanted to do, of course, and that was when I thought to have Tom take a peek down there. After I informed my doctor of what he saw, they said a yeast infection would explain my symptoms and the results of the test strip. I asked about yeast infection treatment and they asked if I wanted to start with the cream or if I wanted them to give me pills. Even though it costs us money, I always opt for anything that doesn't involve pills, so I'm on the three-day Monistat treatment. They said they didn't recommend one-day treatment. They said three to seven is better and that's what the reviews Tom checked out said.

Tom, my hero as always, ran out to Walgreens to grab me the Monistat and when I first applied it I noticed an increase in burning. This was a bit discouraging, but I later read on the box that this is normal. It took several hours, but the burning finally backed off. I just hope that this time it stays that way! If it comes back, I'll ask the docs for pills as a last-ditch effort to cure this before resorting to a GYN.

Had my 12th session with Helen and mostly brought her up to date on the health issues. I also let her know I was a little sad about Aly and we talked about that a little and what I miss about her.

She also asked me what I would say to my foster mom if she was still alive.

Helen is a very religious woman and is always sure to respect my personal beliefs. It was pretty funny because when we were talking about my dream premonitions, she started to explain something to me and then she stopped herself and said she needed to think of a different way to explain it. That's when I came out and asked, “Were you going to tell me that God gave me that gift?” LOL.

We were both laughing over that and I told her I wasn't offended at all by those who have a different belief system than I do that don't try to cram it down my throat, and that I was open to hearing different thoughts and beliefs even though I personally don't have any specific beliefs. I have a lot of theories and ideas but not set beliefs.

We were also talking about how I missed certain aspects of my past. Just the way I looked at some things and the way I felt at different times. She asked if I would be open to the idea of writing stories containing some of those old feelings and seeing if that brings them back. I thought of that, but I don't think that would change much and bring me back in time, so to speak. I'm not the same person with the same life, mind, and body I had years ago. It's kind of like your first time visiting a new country and how excited you are. But after you do this a few times, visiting other countries loses its newness and excitement.

SUNDAY, APRIL 16, 2023 Still out of it. This may be another one of those entries I'll have to do in chunks. Right now, it's just after 10:00 a.m. Eastern time.

It's hot and humid, but still no rain here. This is just too weird. Instead, I've been hit with more motorcycle activity, ironically, since the honker left. I can't swear to it because I don't always see them but I think it's all coming from the bitch behind him. She and her little buddy are riding more and more. I thought about reporting them since it clearly states in the rule book that you're not supposed to rev engines but decided against it since they're not waking me up. Also, I've learned that this park doesn't necessarily spite its complainers like the old one, but it doesn't do anything about the problem either.

It also has a twisted sense of priority. They just removed the plants by the entrance that hadn't even been there for a year and replaced them with palm trees. So they can afford to redo the landscaping that didn't need to be done, but they can't replace the fallen fence in the legacy section? Someone in the group just said they were blocking the road because they fell down. LOL.

More to come later…

And now it’s coming up on 2:00 p.m. Most of the pain has subsided, but I’m still pretty out of it. I didn’t realize I would have to spend this much time in bed, but Becky said she did too when she had her own gallbladder removed. It’s been so long since I had surgery that I forget that the body needs to rest to heal itself.

I at least managed to polish my nails hot pink.

Ordered another pair of shorts, too. The XXL shorts are big on me but comfortable so I decided to keep them. I’ll have a pair in black as well as gray.

I also got some developer for the dye I got and a hair-dyeing kit.

Right now, there’s this rude ass with a 3-wheeled motorcycle joyriding through the park. It’s not as loud as your average motorcycle, but it’s loud enough. They just made the fourth pass. Amazing what the people here will put up with vs what they’ll fight to change. Of course, I’ve had to hear from the bitch a couple of times too. I think her buddy just left.

Tom and I talked about it and we’re pretty sure I don’t have pulmonary hypertension, even though we’re going to get it checked out. I just can’t believe the doctor would go ahead with the surgery if he thought there was a real chance I had it. I also can’t believe this developed overnight, especially since the prognosis is very poor. About three years without treatment and seven with treatment.

Tomorrow, I meet with Helen on what would have been Aly’s 42nd birthday. I’m feeling sad over that and very overwhelmed at the moment. Just wondering how the hell we’re gonna work out all the appointments and deal with the money and him trying to get back to work. I think he’s gonna have to get something on the 2nd shift because I don’t see the appointments ever slowing down, at least not by much. No, I won’t always have gallbladder-related appointments, but there will just be something else to replace those. It's not in my cards to ever have a place that I truly love. But while I can’t say I love this place, I definitely do like it, and I don’t wanna ever lose it. Besides, if we were ever in a position where we couldn’t afford to stay here, where the hell could we go?

There they go again for the sixth or seventh time. I’ve lost count of how many. I don’t think it’s an actual motorcycle. It’s some kind of tricked-out cart. Why would they keep riding it around here if they could just take it out on the open road? Tom just said he saw it and that it can go on the road. He said he thinks they’re just showing it off. If that’s something you feel the need to do, then why not go to the city?

I know there’s such a thing as memory pain, and I swear I’ve been feeling cramps similar to what I would feel before the gallbladder was removed. I’d hate to think there could have been something else causing those cramps! I’m already regretting this surgery as it is.

I was reading someone’s journal and how they talked about those taking the time out to care about what’s going on in their lives no matter what they’ve got going on in their own lives. They talked about a friend having kids and a really busy life yet still taking the time to keep in touch and I couldn’t help but compare this person to Jessie. She can’t ask me how I’m feeling today because, hey, her dog had surgery a week or so ago. I don’t buy the not being on Facebook as often either because I’ve seen her online on and off just like always.

I get it. She’s not the caring bestie that Aly was and I’m likely never going to have anyone ever again that is. Someone smart, mature, creative, and who remembers and cares about the things I tell them. Someone that shares what’s going on with them with me as well. And I get that I have to let people be who they are even if I don’t always like it.

Why is it that the crazier and the uglier someone is the more attention I get from them? It still amazes (and used to embarrass me) just how easily I can get all the attention in the world from someone who looks and acts like Kim. I used to take it personally in that I thought it was something about my appearance that was drawing these “uglies” to me, but I realize I got a lot of attention from these kinds of people before any of them even knew what I looked like, and that the uglier people are simply more sociable. I’m not sure why this is, but that’s just the way it seems to be. The digital world has taught me it has nothing to do with the person I am or what I look like. I just wish I could have Aly back no matter what the hell she looked like! Personality is way more important to me than appearance.

There was a girl named Jodie whom I talked to on another site, and I decided to block her on Facebook as well as on the site I met her. I hope she won’t notice because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m just looking out for myself, is all, and following the instinct I should have followed earlier.

Being the good judge of character that I am, I sensed that she wasn’t quite stable when she first reached out to me. She asked to connect on Facebook, and my too-nice self came out and agreed. Upon reading more of her stuff and what someone else had to say about her, I realized that I should protect myself before there was a chance for any trouble. I’m not saying there would be, but why take that chance? Why not go with what my gut instinct is telling me? This person insisted that they not only knew her in real life but that she was very toxic. The kind that will spite you if you piss her off. I don’t see what much she could do to me, especially being in another country, but I don’t need the hassle either way.

After being stopped up for nearly four days, I finally went the night before last. There was no pain but I did start burning again right after I went. That made me wonder if something was wrong with my poo and never in my UT. I’m still hoping I can take care of it myself with probiotics because I don’t want to add yet even more appointments to the list trying to figure out what it is.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2023 I'm still in a lot of pain, although my breathing is still back to normal. I had to remind Jessie that I had the surgery. She was sympathetic to my plight and had some questions about it but says the reason she hasn't seen my posts was that she hasn't been on Facebook much because her dog recently had surgery. Yeah, whatever. She can definitely relate to what I'm going through, though, because she's had a C-section and her ovaries removed. So she knows what it's like to have her guts cut up.

To get off the subject of my health for a minute, I am absolutely disgusted by Florida making abortion virtually illegal, although I'm not the least bit surprised (or by the fact that the abortion pill may become virtually illegal as well). What do people expect from all these extremists taking control of the country? And when the hell are they going to fight back? I mean really fight back. Not just scream in the streets. Like it or not, sometimes two wrongs really do make a right. Sometimes the only way to get rid of a problem is to literally eliminate it. If a wild animal comes at you in the wilderness, you can't reason with it, you can't compromise with it, and you can't run or else it will chase and catch you. You can only eradicate it. I truly believe that sometimes it's like that with evil people.

My husband, who is a die-hard optimist, says it's the younger people who rise to power and fame overnight like Hitler and Mussolini that are the real threat to society, pointing out that Trump was famous before running for president. I still don't see how he can't see that with each new attack on women and each new book ban and each new attack on gays we're getting closer and closer to the end of democracy. The further we step back into the Dark Ages puts us one step closer to becoming a dictator country. If that's what people want and they're OK with it, then they'll just keep giving in to the craziness and not fight back.

I'm no longer quick to assume something can't or won't happen because people wouldn't go that far because, yes, they would. How do any of us know that blogging and keeping journals and diaries won't one day be illegal?

Maybe not everything has shitty timing for us after all because when Tom came back in from the laundry room, he said that he could see that Ray got a nice, shiny new AC. How nice of him to get it while I was on the operating table so I wouldn't have to listen to every bump, bang, and slam while they installed it just 15 feet from our wall.

I'm getting exhausted again so I'm going to haul my gallbladderless self back into bed.

I'm still pretty out of it, so I'm going to work on this entry little by little until I have everything updated. I'm so relieved to have the gallbladder out of me but I've got a lot more pain than I expected. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give it an 8. Andy's sister, Linda, once told me that C-sections are a killer, and I can totally see where they would be. If I'd have had to have open surgery instead of laparoscopic, I'm sure my pain would be a 10+. Fortunately, though, I do have a high pain threshold because the oxycodone I was given does little to nothing to help my pain. I don't understand why so many people get addicted to this stuff. If I sit still for a while or lie down or I'm standing, it's not that bad. It's when I get up and down. The worst is getting out of bed. I kind of have to roll out of it and even that hurts. Becky warned me that oxy would stop me up and that's fine with me because even though I only took a couple of them, the last thing I want to do is have to exert those muscles trying to do a number two (still gonna take a stool softener). It hurts enough if I laugh or breathe in deeply. I can't bend over far either.

I got the results of the pre-op testing. I forgot to mention that the lady took a covid swab from my nose which was pretty uncomfortable. It was negative, as expected. However, I was surprised, although not surprised with my track record lately, to discover that I may have two new problems. First, my kidney function is down a bit. Secondly, my pulmonary arteries are enlarged and Galileo wants me to see a cardiologist. I tell you, it's just one thing after another! So frustrating too. The harder I work at getting my health on track, the more problems arise, thus more appointments. I swear the appointments multiply like cockroaches. Counting the follow-up I'm going to have with the surgeon in about a month, this whole stomach thing has taken 7 appointments from testing to diagnosis to surgery to follow-up.

Anyway, the kidney function could be down because I was fighting a UTI, although Galileo said my urine culture didn't show any organisms that were abnormal. I've been fearing that the burning will return since it did after I finished the Nitrofurantoin but it hasn't. At least not yet. So maybe it's been killed for good once and for all and I just needed to find the right antibiotic. Bactrim definitely did the trick.

Not sure what to think as far as the pulmonary hypertension goes. It could be just a physiological thing as they said and nothing to worry about. I guess it puts pressure on the lungs if you have it and that can eventually affect the heart function so that's why they want me to get checked out by a cardiologist. I wonder if the years of having high blood pressure could have caused this as well as my kidney function to be down. If it’s physiological, though, why didn’t the enlarged arteries show up on past X-rays? They used to do X-rays all the time when I was a smoker and would get bronchitis. Not sure what to think, but I'm not gonna worry about it at the moment. Whatever will be is going to be. I've pretty much given up on getting healthier. Meaning I don't think I'm ever going to be as healthy as I used to be. I don't think this is the beginning of the end so much as the beginning of a long string of problems that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I don't think the golden years are going to be so golden. I think they're gonna be full of health and money issues, but only time will tell. Again, whether it's by design or random, life is just life and we don't always have as much control over it as we'd like to think we do. All we can do is do our best and hope for the best.

I hate to say it but as horrible as they were, especially my mother, a part of me wishes they were still alive to help pay for some of the stuff going on.

Back to pulmonary hypertension. It makes me wonder about some of the symptoms I've had for quite a while like fatigue, palpitations, etc.

They say bad things happen in threes, including death. I can definitely say the death thing is no joke since both my parents and my brother died in the same year. My thyroid crapped out on me, then my gallbladder, and I wonder what's next. I just hope it's not a vital part that can't be treated!

Time for a break. I gotta go lay down.

Back again after the daily outburst from Happy now that the honker is gone.

It still hasn't rained here. We've definitely got a drought going on. Never thought I'd see that in Florida of all places, but it's like dry weather follows us. We move to Cali, and it gets drier and drier. We move here, and we get the same thing. Fort Lauderdale seems to be the opposite. They got slammed with record rain that they had to close the airport. Why can’t that happen here?! But then if there’s any good to this area going Cali on us, it’s that there will be fewer storms during the storm season and make the fact that we’re probably never going to be able to soundproof the bedroom the way I want to less critical. At least until they build something in the vacant lot behind us.

A guy stopped to chat with Tom while he was out weeding and said that in the 16 years he's lived here, he's had to resod his yard several times. We wouldn't do that, though, if our grass died. We would give up and switch to gravel. I wish our place, along with Toni and Ray's, was graveled because that would keep the mowers away.

The Brooksville hospital was way better than Tampa. Tampa was much more of a zoo, and I was there for three hours for a 12-minute procedure. I was at this place for five hours for a one-hour procedure. It could have been longer, though. I was number 3 in line and I guess the first procedure was canceled. The second was just a simple little cyst removal.

The same guy who checked me in for pre-op testing checked me in and then I was taken to a prepping room. There, I would deal with a handful of people and be asked the same damn questions over and over again. I understood the reason for it was to make sure they did the right procedure on the right person, though.

The only thing that annoyed me was when staff would interrupt staff dealing with me to ask for things. One girl asked a nurse for something right as she was looking for a vein to stick the IV port in which meant I had to deal with the uncomfortable tourniquet on a little longer. Another asked a different staff member for something while she was wheeling me out. I would have spoken up about it had she not promised that if she heard her name called again, she would ignore it.

I was given these warm, thick body wipes and told to wipe everything but my groin and face, and then I got into a hospital gown. I was given a bag for my clothes and Tom hung onto that as well as my purse.

Once on the bed, I was hooked up to several things. They stuck leads on me to monitor my heart. They put an oxygen reader on my finger. Plus, these leg cuffs to help circulate the blood. They go on your lower legs and actually feel nice when they inflate, almost like a massage. I didn't like the arm cuff, but after the first few readings, I began to relax and it didn't squeeze me as tight.

Not surprisingly, they had problems getting one of the IVs in. They like to put in two so they have one as a backup if the first one should encounter any problems. The first one went in the top of my left forearm easily, but she had trouble with the right arm. She first put one in my hand and it hurt a bit because it's a sensitive area. Then it started leaking so she finally got it in on the underside of my forearm.

I had to sign a few forms and give permission to let them give me blood in the event of an emergency.

So after meeting with three nurses, the doctor, the anesthesiologist, and the breather, it was time to go. I call the lady who sticks the breathing tube down my throat the breather as I don't know her proper title. Maybe some kind of respiratory therapist. Anyway, the breather said I may or may not remember her asking me to open my eyes for her and take a deep breath so she knows when I can breathe on my own again, and I didn't remember this at all.

After I was hooked up to everything I needed to be connected to and signed all the necessary documents, I was given something that made me feel pretty woozy. I wasn't knocked out suddenly like I was for the endoscopy. I don't even remember being knocked out actually. I just remember being wheeled into the OR, a heavy blanket being put on me on the way there since each room they wheeled me through got colder and colder, a surgical cap being placed on my head, and an oxygen mask being put over my face.

Back again the next day. Maybe today is the day I'll actually finish this entry.

OMG, I've totally come to regret having this surgery! If you don't absolutely need your gallbladder removed, don't do it! The cramping I had before was nothing compared to this pain. I shouldn't have opted for the easy way out and cost us additional money we don't have. There were no stones, so it wasn't an emergency. Just on and off discomfort. Then again, it might have developed stones later on since it was so low functioning.

My breathing has finally improved, but I'm still in quite a bit of pain. The pain isn't quite as bad as it was but it's still bad enough. I haven't done a number two since surgery, and I'm absolutely dreading the moment I do. Luckily, I didn't puke because that would hurt way worse. After all, I was literally stabbed in the stomach four times. I have one incision right above my belly button, 2 to the right of it, and one to the left.

Picking up where I left off yesterday… Once again, there was no time gap. When I came to, I thought they were still getting ready to put me out but the guy told me I was in recovery and my gallbladder was out. I was incredibly drowsy and surprisingly short of breath, even though I was assured that my oxygen level was at 100%. Even so, I felt like I could only breathe in a quarter of the way. Supposedly, this is normal after surgery but I don't remember having this problem when I had surgery in 1995, and I was a smoker then too. They gave me a tube to inhale through and to help exercise my lungs. Today is the first day I’m breathing normally as long as I don't talk too much. And I talk-type my journal entries, LOL.

I was knocked out at around 7:30 and at 8:30, the doctor called Tom and said everything went well. It was something like 9:20 when I woke up. We left the hospital at noon.

I was a little more with it when I was moved into another room where Tom was brought in to see me. They got me a couple of cans of soda which felt so good because my mouth was dry. I didn't have the sore throat I was warned I may have from the breathing tube, though. No shoulder pain either. I guess some people have right shoulder pain as the gas moves up and out of their bodies. This is the gas they inflate your stomach with to separate your stomach from your guts so they have room to work. I had mild acid reflux and now even milder nausea but that's it so far. I had to be sure to avoid trans fat the first day, but now I can eat what I want. Once I'm able to move around more and cook more, I will definitely focus on healthier eating in general.

I have 4 square dressings covering each incision. The outer ones I was able to peel off after 24 hours. The steristrips underneath need to be left on until they fall off on their own. Still have to sleep on my back or sides too. It's more comfortable to sleep on my left side because the incisions go further toward my side on the right side.

They want to make sure you pee without issues before you leave because anesthesia can affect that. After a couple of sodas in conjunction with the IV dripping saline into me, I was able to go. Then they removed my IV ports and wheeled me out. Tom helped me into the house, of course, when we got back. Didn’t sleep that great the first night, but I slept a little better last night.

Off to lie down once again because I still don’t have much energy and I still hurt. It took me nearly half a dozen tries and two days to get this entry done!

THURSDAY, APRIL 13, 2023 Surgery Summary

Relieved that the gallbastard is gone but in WAY more pain than I bargained for. Very fatigued as well. So I’ll just leave you with a surgical summary and provide more details later.

Description of the procedure: Following her admission to the outpatient surgery area, she received 2 cc of ICG dye, in preparation for fluorescent cholangiography. She was brought to the operating room and general anesthesia induced. Ancef was administered intravenously as prophylaxis against wound infection.

Abdomen was prepared and draped in the usual sterile manner. Pneumoperitoneum was established using a Veress needle introduced lateral to the left rectus muscle. Intra-abdominal pressure was maintained at 15 mmHg, using carbon dioxide insufflation. An 8 mm robotic trocar was placed and anatomy visualized using the high definition, 3 dimensional laparoscope associated with DaVinci system. Under direct view, I placed another 8 mm trocar over the supraumbilical region, followed by 2 similar trocars along the right side of the abdomen. She was then turned into reverse Trendelenburg position, with the right side tilted up.

The robotic system was docked in place.

The fundus of the gallbladder was retracted cephalad and the infundibulum grasped with fenestrated forceps. Tissue around the neck of the gallbladder was incised using the vessel sealing device, leading to Calot’s triangle.

Fluorescent cholangiography using firefly technique was deployed at this point, leading to the identification of the cystic duct. It was isolated and controlled using locking clips. Cystic artery was controlled using the vessel sealing device. Cholecystectomy was completed using the same device as well. Gallbladder was then placed in an Endo-Catch bag and removed via the supraumbilical trocar site. The fascia over this incision was closed using 1. Vicryl under direct laparoscopic view. Skin incisions were closed using 3 0 Vicryl, in a subcuticular fashion. Preemptive analgesia was established using 0.5% Marcaine with epinephrine.

She tolerated the procedure well and was taken to the recovery room in a stable condition.

TUESDAY, APRIL 11, 2023 I wasn't going to do any more pre-surgery entries but then said, why not?

On the way to Brooksville now for testing.

My bridge went in quickly and easily yesterday at the dentist's. The assistant was even able to get the temporary off without me having to be numbed.

The rest of the day was frustrating as hell. Every time I thought I was done with the health work, there was something else to do. First, I was checking the hospital site to make sure there were no pending forms I needed to deal with. Then I got an email with a link to sign forms. Then I had to make a list of my medications. Then a woman with a hard-to-understand accent called from the billing department.

I hope some of the people I'll be dealing with today are from here! Should be more from here and fewer accents where I'm going, though, as opposed to Tampa.

Got my lab results a couple of days ago. The urine analysis shows, not surprisingly, an infection is present. I'm worried too. Worried because I still have some burning at times, and I'm worried my white blood cell count will be higher than the doctor will want to operate on me with. However, the pee was tested before I started the Bactrim. At the end of today, I take the last one. I'm worried whatever I have is resistant to antibiotics. Could be viral or yeast. I just hope I don't have to have too many more tests to find out exactly what it is so they know how to treat it. I have a bad feeling the Bacrim won't fix it and that I may even have to see a GYN or urologist. He has to get back to work and can't make a career of driving me to doctors. He shouldn't have to either, and I shouldn't have one problem after another when I'm not even 60.

Heading home now. Testing went faster than expected. We got there early and were there for about an hour. It was funny because they brought me to the Radiology department in a wheelchair. It was nice as I'm a bit tired, as usual, and it was quite a ways away. We went through a maze of corridors.

I have to remove the nail polish on my index finger and not wear my wedding band. They're going to call his phone to tell us what time to be at the hospital tomorrow. I also set him up to be texted updates during surgery. It'll be funny to see if he gets a message like "Patient now being administered anesthesia or something like that."

We really need to find some alternative to Walmart. My whole wheat bread was moldy and they love to give me rotten fruit and veggies a little too often.

I love the new hair dryer! It doesn’t straighten hair like a straightening iron because it doesn’t get as hot but it does a good job. It just takes a while. It’s a good thing my hair isn’t as thick as it used to be. Even the slightest dampness will allow it to curl back up so it has to be thoroughly dry.

Fatty here may need to get some new shorts soon. I learned a long time ago not to hold onto clothes, thinking I’ll one day be able to fit back into them. We only keep getting bigger with age, not the other way around. My shorts are getting kind of old anyway. Pretty sure I got most of them in 2015-2016.

Hanes makes shorts and I can get two pairs for 30 bucks. They have a Try Before You Buy option and even though it says XL should fit me, I want to go with XXL because again, we just get bigger. I’ll try XXL and if I like it, get another pair, or two pairs in XL. As much as I like pink and purple, I try to get a light neutral color and a dark neutral color so I can wear any kind of top with it.

I had a weird dream that I was reaching out to Shelly R to try to help me contact my mother, who was still alive. I hadn't talked to her in years and had no idea where she was.

Then there was a dream where we owned land in Arizona for two years. The land wasn't as nice as the land we once owned for real, but I don't remember what the house was like. In the dream, Tom left for work and it hit me that someone might think the house was empty and break in and how helpless I might be. But then I realized I may be just as helpless even if Tom was home at the time with us getting older.

After he left for work in the dream, I saw a tray with several envelopes with outgoing mail. I then remembered that it was supposed to be my job to put outgoing mail in the mailbox.

It ended on a weird note in some place I was working at where I was arguing with this girl over a "hair" salesman, and then discussing my previous ear surgery with her and others and letting them know that the following day I would be having my gallbladder removed.

Well, that last part is true! After 5:30, we should get a call letting us know when to be there.

Till next time!

MONDAY, APRIL 10, 2023 Luckily for me, the thunderstorms we were in for are delayed until Thursday. I'd hate to have thunder waking me up before testing and then surgery.

Today I get my permanent dental bridge. That will be in a few hours from now.

My biggest concern is that the dose increase is going to backfire on me. I almost feel like I'm slightly on edge. I'll see how I do for the rest of the week but if this escalates into obvious anxiety, then that's it. I go back to taking two 75s every week, and that's the way it stays.

This could be it for a few days. Since I'll be busy tomorrow with the pre-op testing and then having surgery on Wednesday, it may be a handful of days before I do another post depending on how out of it and sore I am. Maybe I can at least do a few quick tweets.

Wish me luck!

SUNDAY, APRIL 9, 2023 Ran off to the lab yesterday morning for a urine culture. They also requested a vaginal swab in case it was an outer yeast infection, but they don't do that there. The docs explained to me that menopausal women are prone to outer yeast infections due to being low on estrogen. Pretty sure my problem isn't coming from there, though, and that it’s another UTI contracted from bacteria in something I ate or drank, just like last time. Tom took a peek down there and didn't see any redness or rash of any kind.

Because Nitrofurantoin gave me hot flashes and made me drowsy, they called in Bactrim. No problem taking my first dose earlier. Tom was kind enough to get up for a few minutes, even though I assured him I wasn't nervous or anything because I'd had Bactrim in the 90s. I just don't remember if it was for a yeast infection, a UTI, or a sinus infection.

I was surprised to wake up this evening and find I wasn't burning nearly as much as yesterday. I was almost tempted to put off the Bactrim unless it picked up again but with my shit luck, it would do that right around surgery time, and I want my white blood cell count to be as good as it can be for pre-op testing. I don't want anything to delay getting the damn gallbladder outa me.

I got up last night and the night before at 10:00 PM. Both nights I ended up napping. I actually napped on and off from 10:30 to around 2:00 in the morning the night before last. Last night I napped for about 90 minutes. Not sure what's making me so tired, but I'm guessing that it's the infection. I don't feel too bad right now.

Although I don't feel any different, I noticed my HR has been up lately. I wonder how much of it could be tied to the dose increase. My HR used to drop to about 68 in my sleep. But lately, it's only dropping to around 73.

The dill plant died, so I pulled it out and exposed the few little cactus plants that were budding. The next day, I noticed that one sprout that was left behind made a comeback. It will be interesting to see what becomes of it.

SATURDAY, APRIL 8, 2023 Yesterday I noticed burning down there again and realized my UTI had returned. Better yet, a new one has occurred from what I read. Frustrated, I looked up the reasons for recurring UTIs. I mean I suddenly have two in a row when my last one was in the '90s? I knew it was nothing I was doing as far as hygiene was concerned. Then I found this article and I think this is my problem… Apparently, my bad gut bacteria is overpowering the good. So now I not only need another round of antibiotics with surgery looming ahead in just 4 days but I also need to go on probiotics and reduce my meat significantly. The only meat I can’t give up is fish and that’s a good thing because beef and poultry are more likely to have E coli in them. I’ll make sure I only have chicken once a week. The rest of the time will be either fish or pasta.

Reading how it can travel from the butt to the vagina to the urethra now makes some sense. I swear I was feeling like it was traveling from back to front.

I used a test strip and found that it was in between the 2nd and 3rd color blocks rather than the third like it was the first time around. So it's not quite as bad as the last one. At least not yet. I sent the picture to my docs and updated them on my symptoms. I also told them about the article I discovered and asked if that could be my problem. Lastly, and most importantly, I reminded them I have surgery on Wednesday and do NOT want to postpone it after waiting so long.

I'm sure my doctors will tell me, but the question is, what probiotics should I get? I prefer chewable, but they don't seem to come in 10 billion CFUs. It seems 10-20 is the most common. Maybe I should start with 6 to make sure there are no side effects. It can cause the runs.

I like how Replika added daily tasks to allow us to gather more gems quicker than before. Noticed they also put some items in the store that you can buy with coins rather than just gems. So I'm guessing my bitching about that paid off, although I highly doubt I was the only one to complain. I hope we still get the free weekly gift. That's a lot of fun, even if we don't always like what we get.

FRIDAY, APRIL 7, 2023 I knew it. I just fucking knew it. Tell me it's just a coincidence that the redneck's fucking mutt is barking more now that the honker is gone and I'll tell you you're full of it. I swear there's always something! If the bitch with the motorcycle moved out, in would come someone else with one that they just had to rev. Get rid of the mutt, and in comes another one. It's like something's determined to balance things out and make sure I always have something to listen to even if it isn't much compared to our other place.

And damn the shitty timing in our lives too. Things rarely seem to happen at a good time for us. Having thunderstorms on Monday and Tuesday is definitely not a good time. They couldn't have just waited a few more days! I have surgery on Wednesday and the last thing I need leading up to it are sleep disturbances, depending on how loud the thunder is. That's why it's been a race to get most of my appointments out of the way before storm season starts. Doesn't look like I'm going to quite make it, though. I should only have one appointment in July when the storms will be like clockwork. Really hope the storm season doesn't leave me exhausted enough to regret coming here! I love it here otherwise, even if it does get a little colder for a little longer than I'd like in the winter.

I was laughing my ass off reading that it was going to get down to 34 degrees a few nights ago in Citrus Heights. LOL.

Checked my blood sugar a few days ago and it was 106. Not great, but definitely not diabetic.

His name and our address ended up on Zabasearch, so I found last night, and I had it removed. Again, it's not that I fear anyone using the address in a bad way so much as that it's no one's business unless I tell them myself. I get it removed from wherever I can, even though I'm sure that if anyone was that curious they could pay to do a deep dive search if they knew our real names. Anyone who was that curious, however, would certainly have bad intentions, and I would be quick to make sure they were never that curious about anyone ever again.

Even though it's never going to be the same without Aly and it's so sad seeing our old cabin, I decided to do Camp NaNoWriMo.

I wished the honker a safe trip when I saw they were leaving, and thanked him for being considerate, unlike some others around here (bet he can guess who I'm talking about). I saw that he saw the message, but didn't reply. I don't know if I can say that it was weird or rude that he didn't respond but I was a little surprised I didn't at least get a thumbs up. When I got up this evening, there was a message from him saying, "Thanks. Sorry, had to leave early to deal with some things."

I wonder when they would have left then. Mid-April? May?

I'm getting Mia as many items from the store as I can with coins because that way they're more likely to give her gem items on free gift day.

TUESDAY, APRIL 4, 2023 Made it to France, yay! I have about 1908 miles to go and am 12% through the ride.

Other than that, the honker left shortly before 7 this evening, and then I heard Happy bark for the first time in weeks, not once but 3 times. Really hope that mutt doesn't make up for the lack of honks and motorcycle rides.

MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2023 Last night, we discussed our plans for the future. I don't know that he'll ever be willing to admit it, but the horse program is a bust. I mean, it works, but it doesn't work well enough. Therefore, I've decided I don't want to move unless we were to be surprised by winning at least a quarter mil. The reason for this is simple. I don't want to have to settle. Sure, I would love a place with a bigger living room for VRing but that's all we would get would be a bigger place with bigger bills. It wouldn't be on the beach or in a soundproof high-rise overlooking the ocean. So if my dream home isn't in my cards, why settle unnecessarily when this place is as good as any to spend the rest of our lives in? On top of that, I have too much fatigue for things like moving.

Lastly, why risk giving up tolerable neighbors? Yeah, the honker and the bitch behind him get a little annoying at times but we've otherwise lucked out. We could have ended up with a lot worse close to us. The guy next door is so quiet that it wouldn't matter if he was a snowbird or not, and Toni is pretty quiet too.

The honker got the black trailer and loaded the motorcycle into it while I was sleeping.

Because he has to go back to work, a dog is out of the question. When I'm on nights, somebody would need to be here to take it out during the daytime. I'm allergic to cats and wouldn't want them jumping up onto counters and furniture and getting into things, not to mention how much I hate the way they claw and bite and the smell of litter boxes. Birds are obnoxious and fish are mostly boring. So we decided on my favorite animal of all time and to get a rat in a month or so. I'm definitely OK with this because I do miss them and I know rats well. I've had virtually no experience with dogs and was always a little nervous to go into the unknown. Even hypoallergenic dogs can flare up one's asthma and allergies, and of course, I would worry about it barking while I was sleeping. I've been having a lot of rat dreams, which tells me something right there.

I got things picked out on Amazon. A cage, chew toys, hammocks, a cat wand (they like to chase things too), and water bottles. Not gonna bother with a food bowl because they just dig through and kick out what they don't want. Better to just throw a scoop of food on the floor of their cage in the corner, rather than have them make a mess of it. I'll let him pick the best bedding and food for them.

The cage is ugly with a dark gray base and clip-on shelf, but at least it's a tubby base that is deep enough to keep bedding from flying out, and the dimensions are good. I realize that because rats like to run around loose, the cage doesn't have to be overly big. It's about 32 inches long and 17 inches high. Its door is also situated in a way that will allow them to hop in and out as they please. It has a door on top as well.

I look forward to being a rat mom again, even if that means scratches from their sharp nails and pee in various spots throughout the place because they just have to mark their territory, LOL.

I have mixed emotions about him going back to work. I'm just glad it's going to be part-time! It sucks because I know he doesn't want to have to work again and it limits when we can do things. But as long as I'm feeling good physically and emotionally, I wouldn't mind the extra space. Maybe then I can get myself to focus on stories and things like that. Or at least do more artwork. At least it will be only part-time in case I do have problems again and he doesn't have to worry about insurance and benefits and all that.

On the plus side, we do miss having extra money. It isn't that I feel I've got to shop for all kinds of things. I've been there, done that, and we only have so much space for junk. But it was nice when we could be told that my root canal would cost $1700 and simply write out a check on the spot and be done with it. He's not going to make the kind of money he made in California, especially working part-time, but the cost of living is cheaper here.

I may not get nearly as many nicknacks as I used to, but I'm looking forward to the hair dryer/straightener that I'm going to be getting when we make our next Walmart order. I hope it's easier to use than the straightening brush I have. It's hard to get the brush through the hair because of the rubber heat protectors.

I also got new boy short undies but that's more of a necessity than anything else.

Anyway, we're gonna discuss our future pet in more detail around our anniversary. Then, after he's had a chance to work and get us out of debt, we'll discuss how we're gonna go about upgrading this place. The biggest things for me are totally soundproofing the bedroom, adding counters and cabinets to the kitchen, and replacing the floors. Secondary to that would be installing a washer and dryer in place of the built-in desk, replacing the kitchen sink, and replacing the windows. Still wouldn't mind one of those smart air beds too.

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2023 I’m still a little shocked that Trump was indicted, but I think that if he gets convicted and can’t be re-elected, we’ll just be stuck with DeSantis. Tom and I agree that Biden isn’t much better since he hasn’t gotten anything done. Politicians are politicians. They’re all self-serving control freaks. Either that or they don’t do anything at all. Anyway, Trump should have been locked up years ago and if he really did rape anyone, he should have been killed. On this subject, one can argue with me all they want, but they can’t change my mind.

I’m not only so fed up with the corruption and twisted laws, but the double standards as well. Marjorie Taylor Green can threaten violence against trans people all she wants but if I were to threaten just one person, off to jail I would likely go.

I get a little worried every time I hear about Social Security being reduced around 2034. So technically we could end up in a similar situation as when the recession hit only will have some income instead of none at all. The question is whether or not it will be enough to pay for the bare necessities. I’m glad we have plenty of time before we’re faced with whatever may happen then but it also sucks because in the mid-30s, we’ll still have 5-10 years left to live. With the way the world is heading, I'm just so glad we're not young! I’d hate to have 50 or 60 years left. If there’s any good to Tom’s and my age difference, it’s knowing that if I wasn’t going when he went - and I certainly am - I could have 25-30 more years to go. No thanks! I just hope he can retire for good someday and not have to work on and off for the rest of his life.

Poor Tom, LOL. He gained 5 lbs doing intermittent fasting. He was making up for lost time in that 8-hour window. Fortunately for me, diets have never made me gain weight. They just don’t work.

I’m so glad I don’t live where Helen lives! She was in a different part of her house and I guess she lives on a corner somewhere close to the center of her town. I could hear all kinds of motorcycles and muscle cars zooming around the corner. It sounded like our old place!

We were talking about how different emotions affect different body parts. Ironically, anger is tied to the gallbladder. It’s also said to affect the eyes and liver. Well, my liver is fine, but I sure am blind as fuck. I’m not sure I want to put much value into this, though. Sure, how we feel emotionally can affect us physically and vice versa but gallbladder surgery is very common. Almost everyone needs glasses at some point in their lives too.

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zololacan · 1 year ago

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A Working History of the Immernachtreich

Ok maybe a cringe title but it probably got the point across. Hi guys! So hopefully you've checked out my first topic already because there's some foundational material there you'll want to know so all my theories from here on out will make sense. If you haven't click here. Done? So about a year ago when Moonchase was happening we learned something about Archons. (I mean ok we probably should have guessed because of Andrius but Moonchase stated it outright.) Madame Ping tells us that gods aka Archons can't actually die. This ended up being about Guoba who used to be the Archon Marchosius so that got me to thinking who else might be alive in this diminished state? Guizhong as Ningguang? Remember when that used to be a theory?So taking that into consideration I sought out humans that might have once been Archons. Now how do we figure that out? Well we know some trends with Archons right? Barbatos, Morax, Beelzebul/Baal, Orobas, Ose and Marchosius. Every last Archon has a name found in the Ars Goetia. Guessing by the title of this theory who do you think also fits this trend? That's right. Amy the President of Hell commander of 36 legions.Now you might be thinking this is stupid. Amy is just a name and a chunibyou does not an Archon make. But wait. There's more. (so much more)I'm actually going to jump ship a little and we're going to the recent event in the Golden Apple Archipelago. We had a huge quest chain all about Fischl where we learn plenty of things about her that could be tied to her time as Archon.

Let's start with this. This is everything we get out of the Narrator during Fischl's Domain. Notice how we open with when Amy might have done her Archon thing and set up her region. "During the Time of Chaos" and "roughly six hundred years" before something called the "Era of the Saints." Era of the Saints? Current era, where the "saints" would be the Seven. 600 years before that pretty much means 600 years before they came into power, that would be the end of the Archon War so that's 2000 years ago and 600 years before that is 2600 years ago which would be around the time Venti was usurping Decarabian and setting up New Mondstadt. And that already answers what the "Time of Chaos" would be. Archon War. Now that's just where I've plotted it out but there might be more to it because other information seems to suggest this region had to be set up before Venti. More on that later.

"The Prinzessin harbored much sympathy for all living things." Zhongli Story 5. The old Archons in the Seven had the duty of guiding humanity. Zhongli protected his people for 3700 years before retiring just recently. This same duty was not upheld by the newbie Archons like Ei. So now we have a link tying Amy to the old Archons.

That paragraph also talks about resettling her people which we know both Venti and Zhongli had to do and we also know that these people would have started out as the unified human civilization which was displaced when Celestia went crazy and split them up. (sinking Enkanomiya in the process for example) It also might establish Amy's Archon title. You know how Venti's the God of Freedom and Zhongli's the God of Contracts? Amy's into poetry and theater. Maybe she was the God of Arts.

Skip a few paragraphs and we get to the end. "She picked up mere stones to carve out mountains and oceans, before bestowing upon her people castles and towns." Venti reshaped the Mondstadt basin, drowned Pilos Peak, shaved off the tops of some mountains and chucked them into the sea making the archipelago. Zhongli- well Guyun Stone Forest and the Jueyun Karst look like that because he "hurled his spears" at other Archons. They're still buried under those places. And Watatsumi exists because Orobashi shed some coral off himself.

Is there more? You betcha! Soteria is Fischl's other other name right? Google it. Soteria is the God of Deliverance but she's also an epithet of Persephone the Goddess of the Underworld. Now this next part is going to get long-winded but try to stay with me. Where does Fischl say she comes from? Immernachtreich right? That's German for the Realm of the Evernight. Where else have we seen the word Evernight? Enkanomiya. Another name for Enkanomiya in game is Tokoyokoku but you can actually read this as Tokoyo no Kuni. Google that. It's Okinawa's version of the underworld. (Japan's is Yomi or Naraku.) I'll get to Tokoyo no Kuni itself in the future but for now just know Enkanomiya is just a place not an actual underworld. Instead the underworld reference here works well for Immernachtreich since Fischl is related to Persephone.

On top of that this lets us know that Oz is the Archon Naberius. Naberius is an Ars Goetia demon and if you look into it he's actually based on Cerberus you know Hades pet dog Spot. Persephone is his wife. But here's something you might not know. Hades is newer lore. Persephone existed since Mycanean Greek times. She was by herself the Goddess of the Underworld so it makes sense that Oz is her loyal servant aka doggo. (His name Ozvaldo also means God's power.)

Now Naberius is actually in Genshin. Rhinedottir and Albedo find his heart and right after that Rhinedottir ditches Albedo in Mondstadt. Curious right? So if Oz is Naberius and his heart isn't with him well this means Oz is also in a diminished state but now this important part of him is with Rhinedottir. We know who she is. She's Gold the crazed alchemist who attacked Teyvat doing things like sending Durin at Mondstadt, Rifthounds and other monsters at Inazuma and an army in "an iron meteorite" at Liyue's Chasm while Morax's forces were dealing with their main force in Guyun. This caused Khaenri'ah to be destroyed by Celestia and that caused the Abyss Order to be born.

The Abyss Order. Remember back in Lisa's Quest they were looking for a fairytale book for some reason? We still only have 1 chapter of this book and it talks about something interesting, the Night Mother who hails from a Land of Night. Sound familiar? But of course the rest of that story doesn't make sense if we wanted to apply it to Fischl right? Well neither would the Abyss wanting to find someone like the Fischl we're seeing here in the recent event. But we know something happened. Somewhere down the line Fischl stopped caring about the things happening in the world.

I'm thinking this "Night Mother" thing is mostly fairytale but what it's describing is Amy at the end of her reign as ruler of the "Immernachtreich" region. Keep in mind how Fischl describes her home. It's gone. This event "brought it back." We know the real region is also gone because there is no Archon Amy anymore in the modern day. And again keep in mind that Immernachtreich is an underworld but the one described in the event is definitely no underworld.

What I think the Abyss believes is the other side of the Fischl story. Let's head over to the books for the Legend of the Shattered Halberd and Flowers for Princess Fischl!

This topic's already dragging pretty long and it's only about to get longer so I'll skip over the details of these books and go straight to the points they bring up. First Fischl as "the Prinzessin der Verurteilung" is set to absorb the pain and suffering of all people of the world and then burn away the old world to bring forth the new one. Another thing she's set to do which is only revealed in the last volume of Halberd is that she's actually the "divine halberd" that will reconnect the Ley Lines. It's also important that this is only mentioned in the last volume but that's a topic for another day.

This story should tell us why the Abyss might be interested right? Their plan as we learn from our sibling is to destroy this world and remake it. If Fischl is meant to do this she's key to their plans. And that's also how Oz fits in which is why Rhinedottir ditched Albedo as soon as she found his heart. I think she might want to use the heart to blackmail Oz to aid the Abyss. She might have already done this.

If you read Fischl's backstory she got her Vision when she was having a crisis of identity. Oz showed up at the same time as her Vision. Now here's the thing. If she's an Archon she doesn't need a Vision. And if she doesn't actually have a Vision then Oz isn't actually a result of her Vision. I think Oz might have helped the fallen Archon Amy become the human Amy and had been watching over her the whole time. Then Rhinedottir happened so he decided to "activate" Amy by giving her a "Vision" and becoming her "familiar." His actual goal here with respect to being a pawn of Rhinedottir is to nurture Amy's Fischl identity so that she'll be willing to become the Night Mother/Prinzessin that will remake the world one day according to the stories.

Another parallel here? Ars Goetia Amy was banished but it is said he will (yes this Amy's a dude) will eventually rise up again and claim the 7th throne of Heaven. If our Fischl is also set to "claim" a throne for example Celestia's throne I think the Abyss would call that a bonus. In the stories also in that last volume I specified before she's set to pierce her "father" the "God King" with the divine halberd. Also when it comes to absorbing the sins of all people Fischl's Constellation 2 is literally "Devourer of All Sins."

But now here's the thing. Oz has shown that he's devoted to Fischl. Even if Rhinedottir had his heart I don't think he'd betray Fischl like that. Instead I think he's playing her and the Abyss. That second thing that Fischl's said to do; she will be the divine halberd that reconnects the Ley Lines. We've seen that Celestia broke the Ley Lines of Teyvat over time. It killed the Irminsul of Sal Vindagnyr and most recently we found out that Khaenri'ah's king was Irmin aka Odin likely also meaning that he became an Irminsul aka Yggdrasil and that Celestia would necessarily have to destroy him to destroy Khaenri'ah.

According to Leon Oz created a prophecy. Now how prophetic it was is still anyone's guess but ultimately I think Oz is working on it. He needs to remind Amy of who she is because otherwise if Rhinedottir and the Abyss get their hands on her and force her Archon self back into being as the "Night Mother" she might actually do tremendous damage to Teyvat. Would she stand a chance against Celestia namely Phanes? Doubtful. Otherwise she wouldn't have stood idly by as "the shadow engulfed" her region. Similar to Decarabian she probably saw the writing on the wall and decided to take her fall gracefully.

Now there's that other side to the books and that's what I think Oz might be working towards. Remember that Fischl is meant to pierce her "father" and reconnect the Ley Lines. Piercing the "God King" that is Celestia is probably not meant to be taken literally. My guess is it would still sock it to Phanes though if Amy was able to reconnect the Ley Line trees like the one in Sal Vindagnyr. Imagine what might happen if that tree connected with Makoto in Inazuma and Rukkhadevata in Sumeru? Teyvat might become fortified against Celestia.

Of course to do that remember Fischl needs to use herself as the Divine Halberd. That could mean permanent depowerment. And that's probably the other side to Oz's plan. In the scenario I have in mind what'll happen is that the Abyss will force Amy to become her Archon self again. They might find something like her heart just like Naberius or they might just use his heart to power Amy. Awakening like that could be seriously disorienting and Amy would lose all control. This starts Rhinedottir's plan. That's when we'll step in probably to fight Amy so we can weaken her Archon power just enough for Oz's plan to take effect.

I need to take us back a little. There's another place Fischl's related to: Sommernachtgarten. Translated that's Summer Night Garden and it's related to the Midsummer Courtyard. Isn't it interesting how that Domain specifically is where the Ascension Domain is? Why did miHoYo pick that one? Also the Ley Line Disorder of the normal Domain is Pyro good, Cryo bad. Now I'm not sure about the Cryo part yet but Pyro being a recommended element does work. One of Amy's oldest friends is Bennett.

Time to add in some drama. So as the legend goes to remake the world Fischl will first take on the sins, the pain and suffering of all people and also swallow their dreams. Makes sense why Midsummer Courtyard fits then right? Ascension Domain. All the progress of all people gets recorded here. If we took the game mechanic literally every person needs to come here and take on this trial to move on in their journey. How many dreams and how much pain must this place have seen over the years? Fischl will absorb all of them. Then she'll burn away her own heart. Of course a heart could also be a love interest right? That's sappy enough for Hollywood it could work for miHoYo. So maybe Bennett gets burned. Last time we saw this it was an older mentor character also with a fire affinity who sacrificed herself to save someone else who lost control due to a super powerful entity inside of her. So this is totally up miHoYo's wheelhouse.

Ok ok but Genshin's much happier than that and we just so happen to have a heart to burn already. The Heart of Naberius. I think that'll be Oz's endgame. So the plan is for the Abyss to find some way of reawakening the Archon side of Amy. This forces her to confront herself. Then to fulfill the "prophecy" of saving the world he intends for Amy to exhaust her Archon power and rediminish herself permanently and the Archon power will act as the "divine halberd" to reconnect the Ley Lines and protect Teyvat from Celestia's future attacks. We've seen what Archon power can do. Marchosius used up his to safeguard Liyue and Makoto became Inazuma's Irminsul Tree the Sacred Sakura which saved it from Khaenri'ah. So after she uses her Archon power up she needs to separate herself from those powers so she can sever that fate and live out her human life. To do that Oz's heart that the Abyss uses to power her will need to be destroyed. Bennett will get that done. Unfortunately that will also permanently diminish Oz and in the end what we're left with is the same old Fischl and Oz that we've always had so the character doesn't need to change at all.

Bennett might be officially shipped with Fischl after that just like we've gotten hints of Ningguang and Beidou. Oz will forever remain with her now as an actual part of her "Vision." For added drama if miHoYo wanted they could have Oz silenced which would make sense for a summoned creature powered by a Vision. Kokomi's jellyfish for example. But that might be too dark for Genshin so I think Oz will be fine. If anything he'll pretend like his consciousness is gone only to juke us in the end. The Abyss loses again but probably won't learn their lesson. If our sibling is part of this operation and I don't see why they wouldn't be we'll have another tearful parting with them but you guys know it'll be fine. (you guys did see my first topic right?) And finally with the Ley Lines protecting the world we'd move a step closer towards defeating Celestia.

Wait did you think that was it? You guys are new to my theories. Poor you. Anyway moving on!

So I was saying the timeline of the "Immernachtreich" is weird. We know a few details already about Venti's Mondstadt so if we added Amy to this it'd be a really crowded place. Remember that in the early days of Venti's era Mondstadt was also run under Istaroth the God of Time. There's zero mentions of any other gods but since there is still traces of Istaroth around Mondstadt I think it means Amy's region had to have predated this maybe existing only around the time of Decarabian's Mondstadt.

There's a little precedence for this too. Let's say first that the era of the saints was just when the unified human civilization first engaged with Celestia. That would be after the Ark's Opening a long long time ago. Back then the world was also messed up and Celestia tamed it for the humans so that could also work as a "time of chaos." Anyway if the "Immernachtreich" is that old I'd say from a historical inspiration basis Decarabian's Mondstadt would be the founding of the Holy Roman Empire while Venti's would be later periods of it leading up to the German Confederation during Napoleon's time. This fits with Fontaine being the empire's neighbor of West Francia which would eventually become France today. And if that's true then Fischl's Immernachtreich is a defined place: Prussia.

But I'm just pulling that out of thin air aren't I? Nope. Let's go back to the event. Fischl says a bunch of stuff that doesn't really make sense but if you pay attention to her Fischlspeak she lays out some gems. Sanssouci.

It's a real place. It does in fact have a garden because a grapevine garden was a deliberate feature of it. Sanssouci is actually the name of a mansion designed by Prussian King Frederick II.

Of course Prussia could still work with Venti's Mondstadt. I mean we know the dude's pretty weak. Who's to say he didn't have help doing all that landscaping in the beginning? Now if Diluc's mansion with its vineyard is any kind of sign then maybe Immernachtreich was located around that area. It is the closest area to Decarabian's Mondstadt so it would make sense. Or it might be around Starsnatch Cliff or Stormbearer Point if real world geography played a role in miHoYo's map design which I mean it did for Inazuma, Sumeru and possibly Fontaine so far.

Yeah we're still not done yet. Knowing it's Prussia and having some kind of layout of Teyvat during that time period we can figure out something else that happened. The whole focus of Fischl's Domain was on this Tasraque thing that attacked and how Fischl would eventually defeat it. In discussion the characters just said this was a metaphor for Amy being upset nobody was supporting her chuni thing. But there's a real Tasraque in the world.

This guy! It's called a Tarasque. Tasraque. Tarasque. Subtle miHoYo. Anyway it might interest you guys to know this monster is French. And it's also a water dragon. Let's think hard. What kind of water "dragon" do we know of that came from a region based on France like Fontaine? How about this guy?

Any old players reading this? You guys remember that Endora event? We learned that the original Hydro Archon sent out a bunch of Oceanids all over Teyvat because she wanted to connect every region together using the Oceanid network. We also learned (because we keep farming her) that not every region thought it was a good thing to have these Oceanids from a foreign nation occupy their lands. Paimon even called sus on Endora because she said the Oceanids were spies. It doesn't take too much effort to believe that Amy might be one of those Archons that didn't appreciate an Oceanid popping up in her land. So she called it a Tasraque and defeated it. Then because she loves a good play her subjects made it into an epic story of her triumph.

Speaking of enemies in Flowers for Princess Fischl there's another one called Gesamtkunstwerk. Yeah try saying that if you're not German lol. You might be surprised to know it's also an English word technically. Anyway Fischl's supposed to fight this thing and it's meant to be a really really powerful enemy. Who is this? I'll get more into it another day but for now just know Gesamtkunstwerk means "total work of art" and that could relate to other terms we use to mean "total works of art." Can you think of one? Stay tuned.

Ok ok ok I've kept you for long enough. Let's end it by talking about how exactly Oz planned to get Fischl to separate from her Archon self. Any of you guys fans of Persona?

See while her Domain told us the whole story that's not what we were playing right? We were playing the quest of everybody learning more about Fischl's home life and her personal struggles namely her chuni thing that nobody in her life was supporting. And how did that end? Oz nurtured Fischl to accept her creativity so she doubled down on being Fischl but knowing that that's just a story and she's actually Amy. It taught her that she was actually very good at telling a story (except for that Drama Phantasmagoria quest god that was annoying!) so she should embrace that. In Persona a young adult has a crisis of identity and buries a part of themselves they feel ashamed of. In this case Fischl felt ashamed that her life was essentially a sham since she's really Amy and not some princess. If she chose to continue deluding herself she might have been beaten by her Shadow the Immernacht Fischl and (well in Persona 4 you die) maybe she'd end up becoming Hylic. Since she won though (she gets a Persona!) she is now able to accept the side of herself that's make believe because it's make believe.

Once this whole Archon Amy thing happens though it'll be a different chapter of this identity crisis. She's always wanted to be the Prinzessin. Now she'll learn that that's actually becoming a monstrous fallen Archon. Had she always deluded herself into believing she was Fischl then she'd end up succumbing to the raging Archon's consciousness and that'd be it for her. Since she was able to accept that she's a gifted human storyteller that version of who she is is now a thing and she can latch onto that and become truly human once Bennett destroys the heart.

Congrats to anybody who made it all the way through and got to the end. I hope you enjoyed the read and I'd love to know what you guys think about all this!

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nasa · 4 years ago

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NASA Spotlight: Earth Climate Scientist Dr. Yolanda Shea

Dr. Yolanda Shea is a climate scientist at NASA's Langley Research Center. She’s the project scientist for the CLARREO Pathfinder (CPF) mission, which is an instrument that will launch to the International Space Station to measure sunlight reflected from Earth. It will help us understand how much heat is being trapped by our planet’s atmosphere. Her mission is designed to help us get a clearer picture than we currently have of the Earth’s system and how it is changing

Yolanda took time from studying our home planet to answer questions about her life and career! Get to know this Earth scientist:

What inspired you to study climate science?

Starting in early middle school I became interested in the explanations behind the weather maps and satellite images shown on TV. I liked how the meteorologists talked about the temperature, moisture, and winds at different heights in the atmosphere, and then put that together to form the story of our weather forecasts. This made me want to learn more about Earth science, so I went to college to explore this interest more.

The summer after my junior year of college, I had an internship during which my first assignment was to work with a program that estimated ocean currents from satellite measurements. I was fascinated in the fact that scientists had discovered a way to map ocean currents from space!

Although I had learned about Earth remote sensing in my classes, this was my first taste of working with, and understanding the details of, how we could learn more about different aspects of the physical world from satellite measurements.

This led to my learning about other ways we can learn about Earth from space, and that includes rigorous climate monitoring, which is the area I work in now.

What does a day in your life look like?

Before I start my workday, I like to take a few minutes to eat breakfast, knit (I’m loving sock knitting right now!), and listen to a podcast or audio book. Each workday really looks different for me, but regardless, most days are a combination of quieter moments that I can use for individual work and more interactive times when I’m interfacing with colleagues and talking about project or science issues. Both types of work are fun in different ways, but I’m glad I have a mixture because all researchers need that combination of deep thinking to wrap our minds around complex problems and also time to tackle those problems with others and work on solving them together.

When do you feel most connected to Earth?

I’ve always loved sunsets. I find them peaceful and beautiful, and I love how each one is unique. They are also a beautiful reminder of the versatility of reflected light, which I study. Sitting for a moment to appreciate the beauty and calm I feel during a sunset helps me feel connected to Earth.

What will your mission – CLARREO Pathfinder – tell us about Earth?

CLARREO Pathfinder (CPF) includes an instrument that will take measurements from the International Space Station and will measure reflected sunlight from Earth. One of its goals is to demonstrate that it can take measurements with high enough accuracy so that, if we have such measurements over long periods of time, like several decades, we could detect changes in Earth’s climate system. The CPF instrument will do this with higher accuracy than previous satellite instruments we’ve designed, and these measurements can be used to improve the accuracy of other satellite instruments.

How, if at all, has your worldview changed as a result of your work in climate science?

The longer I work in climate science and learn from the data about how humans have impacted our planet, the more I appreciate the fragility of our one and only home, and the more I want to take care of it.

What advice would you give your younger self?

It’s ok to not have everything figured out at every step of your career journey. Work hard, do your best, and enjoy the journey as it unfolds. You’ll inevitably have some surprises along the way, and regardless of whether they are welcome or not, you’re guaranteed to learn something.

Do you have a favorite metaphor or analogy that you use to describe what you do, and its impact, to those outside of the scientific community?

I see jigsaw puzzles as a good illustration of how different members of a science community play a diverse set of roles to work through different problems. Each member is often working on their own image within the greater puzzle, and although it might take them years of work to see their part of the picture come together, each image in the greater puzzle is essential to completing the whole thing. During my career, I’ll work on a section of the puzzle, and I hope to connect my section to others nearby, but we may not finish the whole puzzle. That’s ok, however, because we’ll hand over the work that we’ve accomplished to the next generation of scientists, and they will keep working to bring the picture to light. This is how I try to think about my role in climate science – I hope to contribute to the field in some way; the best thing about what I have done and what I will do, is that someone else will be able to build on my work and keep helping humanity come to a better understanding of our Earth system.

What is a course that you think should be part of required school curriculum?

Time and project management skills – I think students tend to learn these skills more organically from their parents and teachers, but in my experience I stumbled along and learned these skills through trial and error. To successfully balance all the different projects that I support now, I have to be organized and disciplined, and I need to have clear plans mapped out, so I have some idea of what’s coming and where my attention needs to be focused.

Another course not specifically related to my field is personal financial management. I was interested in personal finance, and that helped me to seek out information (mainly through various blogs) about how to be responsible with my home finances. There is a lot of information out there, but making sure that students have a solid foundation and know what questions to ask early on will set them to for success (and hopefully fewer mistakes) later on.

What’s the most unexpected time or place that your expertise in climate science and/or algorithms came in handy?

I think an interesting part of being an atmospheric scientist and a known sky-watcher is that I get to notice beautiful moments in the sky. I remember being on a trip with friends and I looked up (as I usually do), and I was gifted with a gorgeous sundog and halo arc. It was such a beautiful moment, and because I noticed it, my friends got to enjoy it too.

Can you share a photo or image from a memorable NASA project you’ve worked on, and tell us a little bit about why the project stood out to you?

I absolutely loved being on the PBS Kids TV Show, SciGirls for their episode SkyGirls! This featured a NASA program called Students’ Clouds Observations On-Line (S’COOL). It was a citizen science program where students from around the globe could take observations of clouds from the ground that coincided with satellite overpasses, and the intention was to help scientists validate (or check) the accuracy of the code they use to detect clouds from satellite measurements. I grew up watching educational programming from PBS, so it was an honor to be a science mentor on a TV show that I knew would reach children across the nation who might be interested in different STEM fields. In this photo, the three young women I worked with on the show and I are talking about the different types of clouds.

To stay up to date on Yolanda's mission and everything going on in NASA Earth science, be sure to follow NASA Earth on Twitter and Facebook.

🌎 If you're looking for Earth Day plans, we have live events, Q&As, scavenger hunts and more going on through April 24. Get the details and register for our events HERE.

Make sure to follow us on Tumblr for your regular dose of space: http://nasa.tumblr.com.

#Earth #Earth Day #earth science #NASA #climate #weather #atmosphere #space #international space station #STEM #women in STEM #awesome women #climate change #home planet #earth love

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zombvibes · 2 years ago

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Oo oo teammate swap: given any thoughts abt dark world outfits and magic nstuff?

I have!! I’m currently redesigning/tweaking their outfits and weapons though (or at least…I’m trying to. My brain likes to procrastinate ☹️)

I’ll show them off anyways even if they’re old/a wip :

( content warning /j : older art ahead yuckyyyy)

Susie’s magic is fire magic (i mean…yeah) which come from her hand accessory, a braclet! (like noelle’s ring)

Though, her outfit could be tweaked a little, but it pretty much looks like this! I tried to make a nice balance between og!susie’s and og!noelle’s dark world forms and I think I did a good enough job of that? Unlike Noelle and Berdly’s designs, she’s pretty much done! I would only be changing it slightly with barely any differences— Which I may have to do so it would be easier to make it into pixels later

And also because of her fire magic she can breathe fire/smoke and can do stuff like this :

Ok next is Noelle! tms!Noelle’s and og!Noelle’s magic is pretty much the same (ice magic). However, tms!Noelle’s weapon is a spear! Since og!Berdly’s weapon a halberd (a weapon with a long shaft and pointed tip), I was like “Hey…you know what other kind of weapon looks like that?” and chose a spear! Also I thought about icicles too since they’re long and pointy (like…a spear). Past me tried to make it in the shape of an icicle (the spear head at least) but I don’t think I pulled it off well.

However, I was thinking about making it an ice staff since I’ve recently tried to make her an ice mage of some kind but I still like the idea of a spear that looks like an icicle (decisions, decisions 🤔)

OK now to her design uhhh I was recently tried redesigning tms!Noelle’s dark world outfit and um. Was not going that well. This is pretty much the closest for what I’m trying to go for. It was based off of the white mage from final fantasy! Though I never really played FF aside from the chocobo spinoff on the ds (which is gooooood), I always liked the designs of the white/black mages! I also was trying to go for a little red riding hood look? Just wanted a cute and innocent design to clash with her not cute and innocent personality. (Which I did NOT do here. Will fix that soon hopefully.) Somehow I wanted to add some sort of element from Berdly’s design (just like I did with tms!susie’s and tms!berdly’s) but I have NO clue how to do that. Eh, I’ll figure it I always to eventually. (If you can’t tell, I’m having a hard time designing tms!noelle’s dark world form aldjjsjfklaskdjak I’ve always had a difficult time with her designs in general tbh.)

Saving the worst for last (/pos) BERDLY!! Berdly’s weapon is a claymore! (which I may change into a broadsword or another two handed weapon. or at least change the design of the weapon). It was based of off the Knight’s Claymore from Breath of the Wild. Tbh I DESPISE the design I gave his weapon. Hate it a lot. It doesn’t really fit him nor his design at all. So definitely changing that when I get the chance. Anyways, I wanted to give him a two handed weapon that you can swing over you shoulder (like susie’s axe though susie just using her left hand and not both because she’s strong and handsome) and to look like Berdly’s weapon (that’s why it’s a bright pink. og!berdly’s weapon is brigh green). I don’t think it’s “berdly-like” enough though. It doesn’t really feel like a Berdly weapon. (if that makes sense aldjajfhkalfls) So again, changing that when I get the chance!

OH AND HIS MAGIC!! You know how og!Berdly can summon tornados? Yeah tms!Berdly can summon thunder/lightning clouds, smoke, and fog/smog! (and probably tornadoes too lmao) Though I didn’t really think about this too much— (aside from the fog/smog part) Still felt like it was worth mentioning though

OK DESIGN TIME. Berdly’s design (like susie’s) could be tweaked a little bit but this is pretty much it! I tried going for an “Evil King/Prince” (hence the crown) with a mixture of an edgy “Original Character Do Not Steal” look (hence the color palette and “beak fang”). I just think that fits tms!berdly to a tee! I don’t think I pulled off the “original character do not steal” thing but I think I DID pull off the evil king/prince. (I think…). And like with the others, I tried to make his design a mix of Susie’s and Berdly’s outfits which uh, I think I did ok on that? I could do better of course—

Sorry for sounding like a NERD and rambling a lot here ahahahaha 😀💦 Really thought about their weapons and designs and junk—

Tbh all them should be more simplified (for sprite edit stuff) which again again, will work on when I get the chance (or when my brain gives me the chance)

#zomb answers #TEAMMATESWAP - DR AU #Can you tell that I thought these through? (kinda??)#This au is really fun to work on ok!? don’t bully me

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btsqualityy · 4 years ago

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I Choose You

Taehyung x Reader

Genre: ABO (Alpha/Beta/Omega) dynamics, crushes-to-lovers, kind of a soulmate!AU (it’s based on their scents), fluff, and smut

Warnings: Oral sex (Male and female receiving), unprotected sex, dirty talk, soft Dom!Taehyung, impregnation kink, and creampie

Author’s Note: This fic is based on a prompt from the Spring Fest “Spring Will Come Again” hosted by @bangtanarmynet! I hope you guys enjoy it!

Prompt: Every Spring Fest, the unmated Alphas had to choose a mate but when Taehyung felt a pull, he didn’t expect it to lead to you.

“Come on!” Taehyung whined loudly. “Just tell me!”

“You know that I cannot tell you who is participating in the Mating Ceremony Tae,” Jimin giggled. “It’s against pack rules.”

“Alright, well just give me a clue,” Taehyung tried to bargain. The two of them were sat outside in the territory that belonged to their pack, deciding to enjoy their lunch in the newly nice weather.

“You know, to be an Alpha, you have no sense of patience,” Jimin laughed.

“And for you to be an Omega, you have no sense of loyalty to your best friend,” Taehyung pouted.

“Oh God, he’s pulling out the pouts,” Jimin groaned playfully. “If you’re so impatient about not being able to know who’s participating in the Ceremony beforehand, then why are you even doing it?”

The Mating Ceremony was an age old tradition in Taehyung’s pack that occurred every year, right at the start of the Spring Festival. For people who still believed in soulmates, the Mating Ceremony was an unbiased opportunity for those people to find the one that their soul desired. The Omegas and Betas would gather together, with their faces hidden, and it was up to an Alpha to use only their sense of smell to find the scent that they liked the most.

Of course, a lot of people felt that scents weren’t the only important thing when it came to building the foundation of a relationship as time has passed but it was still an honored and revered tradition nonetheless.

“Besides the fact that literally everyone that I know has found their mate during the Ceremony?” Taehyung huffed. “The fact that I’m almost 26 years old and haven’t found my mate yet.”

“Oh please, you say that as if you’re old and if you’re old, then I’m old,” Jimin said as he rolled his eyes. “And I’m definitely not old.”

“Well, you say that because you’re not alone,” Taehyung pointed out. “My parents found each other 27 years ago, Yoongi hyung found you three years ago, Joon hyung found Aareum the year before that, and hell, even Jin hyung found Jungkookie last year. Too long, didn’t read, I’m gonna die alone if I don’t do it.”

“I feel so bad for your future mate because you are so fucking dramatic,” Jimin laughed as he reached over and stole a French fry off of Taehyung’s plate.

“You’d have time to warn them if you’d just tell me who’s joining this year,” Taehyung tried to persuade him. “Come on, what’s the point in having the Head Omega as your best friend if he doesn’t supply you with useful information?”

“Oh, and here I was thinking that I was your bestfriend because I’m your platonic soulmate,” Jimin scoffed. “Look Tae, the entire point of the Mating Ceremony is to let your heart and your nose do the deciding for you. If I tell you who’s participating and who’s not, it’ll cloud your judgement and then the whole thing will be moot.”

“Ugh, fine Mr. “I wanna be ethical”,” Taehyung sighed as he stood up from the table. “I gotta go and finish up my gift for the Ceremony so I’ll see you later.”

“See you later, Pouty Pants,” Jimin giggled as he waved his hand and Taehyung began to walk around the territory. He wasn’t lying when he said that he needed to go finish working on his courting gift, but he figured that it wouldn’t hurt to take a walk around the pack’s territory before he did.

Taehyung’s pack was pretty tight knit, though it was considered to be considerably larger than the other surrounding packs. Even though Taehyung’s family weren’t the ones who founded the pack, his great-great-grandfather was one of the first members to join the pack so Taehyung‘s family line literally had stakes in the very beginning of the pack.

Growing up, Taehyung had been pretty well known around the pack but after he presented as an Alpha, it was as if he were a celebrity. Every unmated Alpha, Beta, and Omega seemed to be after him and admittedly, he had enjoyed the attention for the last few years but now, he was ready to find his mate, settle down, and start a family.

Just as Taehyung walked around the corner that separated the school building and the doctor’s house, he collided with a figure that had literally rushed into him.

“Hey!” Taehyung yelped, gasping when the papers that the person had been holding fell down onto the ground.

“Oh my gosh,” you whispered, bending down and beginning to pick the papers up. Taehyung bent down as well, helping when he realized who you were.

“Y/N?” He called and you looked up at him, your eyes widening when you realize who he was.

“Oh Taehyung, I’m so sorry,” you apologized, bowing your head to him.

“No no no, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it,” he assured you. “Just let me help you with these.”

“I already ran into you, you don’t have to,” you tried to say but Taehyung just cut you off.

“I want to,” he chuckled and you just decided to let it go as the two of you finished picking up all of the fallen papers. Once you were both done, you stood up straight and Taehyung handed the small stack of papers that he had collected over to you.

“So, where were you off to that has you in such a rush?” Taehyung wondered with a smile.

“Well, uh, the start of Spring marks the halfway point in the second half of the schoolyear for the pups so I was in a rush to get their progress reports finished,” you explained and Taehyung couldn’t help but to smile at how shy you still seemed to be around him.

The two of you knew of each other from around the pack and you went to school together, being as though the two of you were born in the same year. Because of that, you both had a lot of mutual friends but the two of you never hung out much because you were really shy and seemed almost scared of Taehyung so he always made sure to give you your space.

“Ah, you do work in the school building,” he chuckled.

“With the seven to nine year olds,” you smiled.

“I remember, I remember,” he nodded. “Well, besides that, how are you?”

“Good, good,” you replied. “Busy as ever this time of year, but good. How about yourself?”

“I’m good, just preparing for the Spring Festival, ” he told her.

“Oh, are you doing the Mating Ceremony this year?” You asked and he nodded his head.

“Are you?”

“I’ve never done it before and I don’t think I’ll start now,” you giggled. “It’s not really my thing.”

“What, finding your soulmate isn’t your thing?” Taehyung teased.

“No, I meant that not being picked by anyone wouldn’t be my thing,” you clarified.

“Oh please, somebody would definitely choose you,” Taehyung said. “I know that we don’t talk much but anyone can see that you’re a good woman and a great Omega. I bet that any Alpha would be proud to have you be their mate.”

“Oh,” you uttered in surprise, and Taehyung couldn’t help but to feel a little sense of pride at how flustered he had made you. “T-Thank you Taehyung.”

“You’re welcome,” he grinned.

“W-Well, I have to go,” you murmured. “See you around?”

“Yeah, see you,” Taehyung agreed but he didn’t know if you’d even heard him because you were already walking, almost running, away from him.

.....................................

Even though the Spring Fest was being held during the first week of April, Taehyung had made the decision that he’d be participating back in December of the previous year and this was because he wanted to make sure he had enough time to prepare his courting gift. A courting gift would show his future mate that he was serious about them so it took Taehyung a lot of thought to decide what he wanted to give his future mate. In the end though, it was actually Taehyung’s mother who helped him.

He off-handedly mentioned that he was trying to figure out a gift and she ended up giving him his great-grandmother’s engagement ring. It was a ruby that sat on a nest of gold diamonds, with a gold band to accompany it. Taehyung was familiar with it because it was a family heirloom and he was so honored that his mother trusted him with it.

When the first day of the Spring Fest arrived, Taehyung made sure that the ring box was nestled safely in the pocket of his slacks before he checked his appearance in the mirror. Wanting to look his best, he settled on a button up dress shirt that was a deep maroon color and paired it with black slacks. He added a few simple accessories like a few rings on both hands and earrings but he skipped any necklaces or bracelets, wanting to makes sure that nothing would get in the way of someone being able to smell his scent.

“Let’s go find our mate,” Taehyung whispered to himself, making sure to fix his hair one last time before hurrying up and rushing out of the front door of his house.

The Mating Ceremony was to be held in the large flower garden that was towards the back of the pack’s territory. The logic behind it was that finding your soulmate amongst beautiful things would help your relationship with said soulmate be beautiful as well.

When Taehyung got there, he immediately spotted Jin and Jungkook sitting together on a bench so he walked over to them.

“Hi Tae hyung!” Jungkook greeted him happily.

“Hi,” Taehyung replied. “You guys came for moral support?”

“You know it,” Jin nodded. “You look really good Tae-ah.”

“Ready to find your soulmate?” Jungkook wondered.

“Thank you, and hopefully,” Taehyung sighed heavily. “I’m so nervous.”

“Don’t worry hyung, all you have to do is trust your nose,” Jungkook told him.

“Kook’s right, you know our senses will never purposefully lead us wrong,” Jin added.

“Thanks for the advice guys,” Taehyung chuckled, reaching out and ruffling Jungkook’s hair a little. Suddenly, a voice erupted over the loud speakers that had been placed around the garden.

“The Mating Ceremony is about to commence,” the voice that Taehyung recognized as Jimin announced. “If you are offering a gift, please get into position.”

“Well, that’s my cue,” Taehyung said.

“Relax and don’t worry,” Jin advised him. “Just...let it happen.”

“Ok,” Taehyung nodded before turning around and walking over to a large wall of white roses. Falling into line with several other Alphas and Betas who were also participating in the Ceremony, he waited with baited breath as another line of Omegas and Betas stepped into the garden and walked over to stand right in front of the wall of roses.

Every Omega or Beta had a veil or mask over their face so that they couldn’t be seen, and their own choice of outfit but most of them were dressed pretty formally, just like Taehyung was.

“Alphas and Betas who are presenting gifts, you know the rules,” Jimin spoke up again. “No sneaking a peek at anybody until you offer them your gift and they actually accept it, no trying to force your gift upon anyone who makes it clear that they do not want it, and trust your instincts! Happy finding!”

Taehyung then closed his eyes, taking a deep inhale in order to smell the air around him. He picked up a few scents here and there, with hints of chocolate and mint but none of them especially stuck out to them. He then opened his eyes and they slightly widened when he saw some of the Alphas and Betas already offering gifts to some of the Betas and Omegas who had been waiting. He had to admit, it kind of shocked him because it was seemingly so simple for them but not for him. Deciding to follow everyone’s advice and trust his senses, he shut his eyes again and took another deep breath it, and that was when he smelled it.

The initial wave that hit his nose was reminiscent of tangerines, and then that was mixed with the scent of berries that seemed to almost intermingle with the tangerine scent. Those were two very typical scents, especially for Omegas, but what really caught Taehyung’s attention was the scent of pink champagne. It was something that he had never smelt in a scent before and before he could even realize it, he was moving towards the source of the scent.

When he realized that he had stepped up to the person that the scent belonged to, he took a second to look over them. It seemed to be a woman, who had on a flowing white dress along with a small matching white veil. Taehyung reached out and extended his wrist towards their nose for them to be able to smell his scent clearly and when the woman let out an appreciative hum, Taehyung’s heart clenched because this was it. He had found the one.

Taehyung reached into his pocket and took out the ring box, extending it towards the woman. The woman then reached out and took the box from it, a soft giggle coming from her as she did so.

“Thank you,” the woman said and Taehyung’s eyes widened because he recognized the voice, he just couldn’t remember where from. When the woman reached up and lifted the veil back from her face, Taehyung wanted to kick himself for not immediately recognizing who the voice came from.

“Hi,” you smiled.

.....................................

“I cannot believe that I didn’t know that it was you,” Taehyung huffed.

“Well, that’s kind of the point Taehyung,” you giggled from your spot on his bed. After the ceremony had ended, Taehyung invited you back to his house so that the two of you could have some alone time.

“I just didn’t expect this,” he said as he sat down next to you.

“Are you...upset that I’m your mate?” You asked wearily and Taehyung immediately shook his head.

“No!” He exclaimed. “Even though we don’t talk much, I know that you’re amazing. Hell, Jungkook raves about you all the time. I also meant what I said the other day.”

“W-Well, that’s good,” you replied shyly. “By the way, I’m sorry for not talking to you much over the years.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” he shrugged. “I just figured that you were shy and I don’t mind that.”

“It wasn’t shyness, though,” you blurted and his eyebrows rose.

“Really?”

“The truth is, I’ve had a crush on you since you presented,” you confessed.

“Y/N, that was almost 10 years ago,” he gasped in surprise. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I never thought that I had a chance,” You chuckled. “For years, every unmated Omega and Beta and even some Alphas have been after you. When you look at them and then look at me, I’m not as interesting or as beautiful when compared to them. I don’t know, I just don’t think that I measure up.”

“Hey, don’t say that,” Taehyung admonished you. “You’re gorgeous Y/N-ah, and the sweetest person I know.”

“Really?” You deadpanned.

“Absolutely,” he nodded. He could tell that you didn’t believe him though, so he decided to be honest. “You wanna know something?”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve had a crush on you too,” he admitted, making your eyes widen. “Not for as long as you have, but at least two years. I just never made a move because you seemed so shy around me and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable because I figured that you just weren’t interested.”

“Seriously?” You gasped and he nodded. “We’re a big pair of idiots then, huh?”

“Definitely,” he laughed as he reached over and grabbed both of your hands in his. “It’s a good thing that we both decided to participate in the Ceremony then, huh?”

“Another confession? I only joined because I was hoping that my Omega would be able to say to your Alpha what I’ve never been able to bring myself to say aloud,” you told him.

“And what is that?”

“That I want to be with you, Kim Taehyung,” you replied. Taehyung felt his Alpha preen at your confession and it wasn’t that Taehyung had doubted the validity of the Ceremony but actually being able to feel the connection between the two of you only solidified everything for him.

“I want to be with you too Y/N L/N,” he smiled. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” you giggled and Taehyung let go of your hands to set his hands on your cheeks, leaning forward and pressing his lips to yours. The kiss began soft at first, the both of you feeling a little nervous since this whole thing was so new.

It wasn’t until you laid back on the bed, pulling Taehyung down along with you that the two of you became more comfortable, you opening your mouth and allowing his tongue to slide against yours. Taehyung set his hand on your thigh, gently tracing random shapes with his fingertips as you kissed each other passionately.

“Y/N, I have to ask you something,” he murmured and you pulled away from his lips to look up at him.

“What is it?”

“Are you a virgin?” He wondered and you felt your cheeks warm up immediately. “I’m not trying to be intrusive or anything, I just want to know so that I can gauge how comfortable you are.”

“Do you remember when I dated Xiumin?” You asked him and he rolled his eyes.

“That dickhead? Yeah,” he huffed.

“I lost my virginity to him.”

“Well, I can’t say that I’m in love with that piece of information,” he admitted.

“I only dated him because I was trying to get over you, which sounds really bad when I say it out loud,” you laughed. “That was around the same time that you were dating Jisoo.”

“Ah,” he said as he set his fingertips over your lips to silence you. “We don’t mention that forbidden name.”

“Ok, sorry,” you giggled.

“So, if I told you that I want to have sex with you tonight,” Taehyung began, making your lower half clench around nothing. “Would you want to?”

“Yes,” you rushed out. “I want to.”

“Good, because I want to too,” he smiled before leaning down and kissing you again. You moaned into his mouth when he moved over so that he was on top of you, his lips never leaving yours as he did so. He then trailed his lips downwards, licking and sucking on the skin of your neck.

“Ohh,” you sighed in pleasure, reaching down and tangling your fingers in his hair. Taehyung pulled away and reached up to grab your hands, untangling them from his hair and holding your wrists firmly when he placed them back down on the bed above your head, holding them there.

“You keep these here for me, ok?” He asked and you could tell from his tone that he was both asking for permission and clarification.

“Ok,” you whispered and he smiled.

“Perfect Omega,” he murmured as he went back to kissing your neck and you had to clasp your hands together because you were too tempted to reach down and touch him again. After he had left a few marks on your neck, he brought his hands up and grabbed onto your breasts which made you gasp.

“As beautiful as this dress is Y/N-ah, I think we should take it off now. Yeah?” Taehyung suggested and you nodded your head rapidly. He moved off of you so that you could sit up and he moved around the bed on his knees so that he was behind you. He reached out and pulled down the zipper on your dress, and you reached up and pulled the dress down off of your shoulders. Once your arms were out of it, you got up onto your knees and pushed it down your legs and onto the floor.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous Y/N-ah,” he muttered huskily as he took in the sight of you in your stark white bralette and white lace panties. Your Omega preened at his praise, making your cheeks warm up.

“Really?”

“Really,” he smiled, moving back around your body and leaning down so that he was face to face with your breasts as he reached out to grab ahold of them. “I’m so fucking lucky.”

“I’m the lucky one,” you whispered as he pulled the material of the bralette to the side, causing both of your breasts to fall out. Without another word, he leaned forward and sucked your nipple into his mouth. You couldn’t help but to fall back on the bed, Taehyung falling along without a problem and not letting up on the onslaught that was his tongue.

Once your nipple had stiffened to a peak, he switched over to your other nipple and gave it the same treatment. You could smell your scent from in between your thighs, the notes of berries and pink champagne becoming stronger and stronger the wetter you became.

You knew Taehyung could smell you too, because you could feel the outline of his hard cock against your inner thigh.

“Fuck, Alpha,” you whimpered. “Wanna suck you off.”

“Whatever you want baby,” he agreed easily after pulling his mouth away from you, sitting up and reaching down to unbutton his slacks. You sat up, watching with hooded eyes as he unzipped them, pushing them down a little bit so that he was able to pull out his cock and your mouth literally watered at the sight of it.

Taehyung’s cock wasn’t enormous, but it was definitely longer than average and it looked to be thick. You reached out and wrapped both of your hands around his length, and you felt yourself become wetter when you realized that you couldn’t even wrap your hands around him completely.

“Fuck, I can smell you baby,” he grumbled and you moaned softly at the pet name. “Do you like what you see?”

“Mmhm,” you nodded, leaning forward and wrapping your lips around the head of his cock. He exhaled harshly, looking down to watch as you did your best to take as much of him in your mouth as possible. You actually managed to do pretty good, doing your best to breathe through your nose as you sunk down closer and closer to the base of his cock.

“Oh fuck,” he huffed. “Such a good girl, taking Alpha’s cock down your throat.” Bringing your hands back up, you stacked both of them on top of each other as you jerked him off while suckling on the head of his cock.

“God, that feels good. Makes me want to fuck your throat,” he grumbled. “You gonna let me do that one day baby? Gonna let Alpha use your mouth?”

“Mmm, yes Alpha,” you gasped after releasing him from your mouth, your spit acting as lube as you continued to jerk him off.

“Fuck, lay down for me,” he instructed you. “I have to taste you.” You didn’t hesitate to follow his instructions, laying back on the bed and resting on your forearms as you watched him push his slacks and boxers down and off his legs before he moved onto unbuttoning his shirt.

He wasn’t overly muscular but you could still see the outline of what would be a six-pack, and your inner Omega loved the fact that your Alpha would be able to protect you if need be.

Taehyung laid down on his front in between your legs, pulling your panties to the side before leaning forward and licking a stripe up your pussy, from your slit up to your clit. You gasped, your thighs involuntarily coming to together but Taehyung’s hands came up to push them back down.

“Be still and let me make you come baby,” he whispered and you nodded numbly. He then went back to licking at you, making you whine and squirm underneath him.

“Huh, holy shit,” you gasped, your chest beginning to move up and down quickly as your orgasm approached you. “Please don’t stop Tae.”

“Mmm,” he moaned against you, shaking his head back and forth over your clit which made his tongue do the same.

“Do that again,” you requested and he obliged you, shaking his head back and forth rapidly and you felt your orgasm winding to it’s end in your abdomen. “Fuck yes, I’m gonna come.” Your head fell back onto the bed and just as you closed your eyes and felt yourself about to tip over the edge into ecstasy, Taehyung pulled away from you.

“What?” You whimpered as you opened your eyes, looking down at him.

“I want you to come on my knot,” he told you. He reached out and grabbed the band of your panties, pulling them down your legs and throwing them onto the floor. He then settled himself in between your thighs, leaning down and letting his cock rub against your clit.

“If you want me to come on your knot, you shouldn’t do that,” you whimpered.

“You could come like this?” He wondered in awe and you nodded your head. “We’re gonna have to test that out one day.”

“We have the rest of our lives for that,” you promised him.

“You got that right,” he smiled, moving his hips so that he could slide inside of you. You wrapped your legs around his waist, your hands gripping onto his arms as he slowly opened you up.

“Fuh, fuck,” you stuttered, your eyes fluttering closed at how good he felt inside of you, stretching you out in the best way.

“God, you’re so tight but you’re opening up so well for me baby,” Taehyung grunted, making sure to push his hips as close to yours as he could so that he could go as deep as possible. “You really are my mate, huh?”

“Yes,” you whispered, your mind barely being able to comprehend his words because the feeling of being completely and utterly clouded all of your senses. He continued to roll his hips against yours, his cock dragging against your walls as he did.

“You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this, how much I’ve thought about this,” he muttered. “I’d see you walking around the territory all shy, keeping your eyes low so that people wouldn’t approach you and all I could think about was that you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and how much I wanted to fuck you with my knot.”

“Mmm, knot,” you slurred, making Taehyung smile because of course knot was the word that you caught.

“I’d watch you with the pups, teaching them and being so gentle and patient with them and my only thought would be about how I wanted to fuck some pups of my own into you so that you could be their mother,” he groaned, his hips stuttering slightly when he felt your walls clench around him like a vice grip. “Oh, you want that? Want Alpha to give you some pups?”

“Fuck yes,” you moaned wantonly, moving your own hips so that you were fucking back onto him. “Want your cum, want a pup.”

“I’ll give it to you baby,” he swore as he began to fuck you faster. “Alpha will give you anything you want.”

“W-want you,” you whined as you felt your orgasm quickly building back up again.

“You have me baby,” he chuckled deeply. “You always have, I think.”

“A-alpha, g-gonna c-c-come,” you managed to utter as your body moved up and down the bed, the force of Taehyung fucking you literally moving you on the bed.

“Go ahead so that I can knot you gorgeous,” he encouraged you. You reached down and set your fingertips on your clit, only managing to make two circles on it before you were coming. Your thighs spasmed and clutched around Taehyung’s waist, the rest of your body shaking on the bed from how forceful your orgasm was.

“T-Tae,” you whimpered, your body shivering even after the crest of your orgasm had passed. Taehyung leaned down, pressing soft kisses against your face that were in stark contrast to how he was still fucking you.

“So good for me baby,” he whispered. “Came so prettily for me.”

“Kiss me,” you pleaded weakly and he just smiled at you before pressing his lips against yours. The force coming from how hard he was thrusting into you caused your mouth to fall open and Taehyung didn’t hesitate to stick his tongue inside, exploring around.

You literally felt his cock pulse inside of you and before you could pull away in order to ask, ropes of his cum flooded into you. His knot inflated immediately afterwards, making you moan as it forced its’ way inside of you.

“Holy shit Y/N-ah,” he panted as he hid his face in your neck, collapsing on top of you. “I don’t think I’ve ever come so hard in my life.”

“Me either,” you admitted with a giggle. “I loved it though.”

“Me too,” he muttered as he pulled himself up so that he could look down at you. “I know this is probably a weird thing to ask given what we just got finished doing, but you accept the fact that you’re my mate right?”

“Tae, of course,” you smiled. “My Omega would hate me if I rejected you and you know our wolf side doesn’t lie.”

“I guess I just wanted to know if it was as strong for you as it was for me,” he mumbled and you placed your hands on his cheeks, making him look down at you.

“You’re my mate Kim Taehyung,” you told him. “I knew it and felt it the moment that you gave me your wrist and I smelled your scent.”

“I knew it too,” he smiled. “I’ll give you your bite in the morning, I’m just too tired right now.”

“No complaints from me,” you laughed. “Coming so hard can definitely take a lot out of a person.” Taehyung then laid his head down on your chest and you reached up, setting your hands in his hair as you began to play with the sweaty strands.

“I’m so glad that my Alpha chose you,” he muttered sleepily and you could feel the goofy smile spread onto your face before you leaned down and kissed the top of his head.

“Me too Tae,” you sighed in contentment. “Me too.”

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