#ok fair enough i GUESS but. it sucks being reminded that she sucks every week

[yonpote]

tbh more than getting phan at the top ship, i just really wanna kick any harry potter ships out of there like how are people still posting about that.

[bastardtetsu]

{day 03} people will say we’re in love | kuroo x reader

pairing: kuroo tetsuro x f!manager!reader

genre: fluff, friends to lovers, confession

wc: 1.2k

warnings: f!reader, a tiny bit of swearing, soft k*roo being a jackass as usual

⍋⋆*❅｡. 25 days of fic-mas mlist .｡❅*⋆⍋

don’t sigh and gaze at me your sighs are so like mine your eyes mustn’t glow at mine people will say we’re in love

—people will say we’re in love; oklahoma! (music & lyrics by rodgers & hammerstein)

the first few times it happened you just played it off. people assume incorrectly all the time, and you honestly couldn’t blame them for assuming that the handsome young man you seem to be around all the time is your boyfriend. besides, it was easy enough to explain that he’s actually just the (incessantly annoying) captain of the boys volleyball team you manage, whom you have no romantic feelings for whatsoever.

that is, until that stopped being entirely true.

you’re not sure when it started, but you began to realize when you noticed that benign misunderstanding starting to fluster you more and more each time. there’s a reason people always mistake you for a couple, after all: kuroo not only dotes on you, but he is shamelessly flirting every moment he’s around you, even when you negate his flattery with exasperation - which just makes you seem even more like an old married couple

of course, being flirty and teasing is just a part of kuroo’s personality, so it’s not like that makes you special, and what might look like fondness towards you is actually just him sucking up to his manager for extra gym time. but, it’s enough to get you thinking about what it would be like if you were really together like that, and once you start thinking about it, you find it hard to stop.

you still try, though, reminding yourself that getting romantically involved with the captain of the team you’re managing is messy and unprofessional, and you don’t even know if he has any feelings like that anyway. this is all just a joke that’s been blown way out of proportion.

at least, that’s what you try to tell yourself when the same convenience store clerk mistakes kuroo for your boyfriend the 3rd time this week.

“why does she keep doing that??” you huff in frustration once you’re out the door, “how many times am i gonna have to explain that we’re not dating?”

“people sure do that a lot, huh?” kuroo muses, “i wonder why.” your face burns at his provocative tone.

“well it’s not my fault,” you retort defensively, “you’re the one who’s always doing shit, like—“

“like what?” he challenges, smirking down on you with an entertained look in his eye. you glare back at him.

“well first off, maybe don’t throw flowers at me in front of the entire cheering squad at a game.”

“those were from the team!”

“hush. you could also lay off sucking up to my family—“

“whoa. if you’re trying to get between me and your mom’s cooking right now we’re gonna have a huge problem.”

“that’s not the—ugh,” you groan, your exasperation mounting, “just stop acting so in love with me, okay? don’t laugh at my jokes or look at me all lovey-dovey like you do, just cut it out so people will quit suspecting things!”

there’s a brief pause as your words hang in the air. kuroo cocks his head.

“who laughs at your jokes?”

you deliver a hard smack against his chest with your bookbag.

“hey!!” he cries, “not fair! you know, some might say that you’re just as much to blame as i am.”

“excuse me?” you glare at him.

“what about the time you went out of your way to bake my favorite dessert?”

“i made that for the team,” you protest.

“or the time you made me carve our initials into a tree like we were a couple?”

“ok yeah, but i didn’t ask you to draw a HEART around them!”

“well what other shape was i supposed to draw?? an octagon!?”

“GOD you’re hopeless,” you groan. just then, you begin to feel raindrops start to come down. kuroo notices too.

“i’ve got an umbrella,” he says, pausing to rummage through his book bag. you stand there waiting for him as the rain begins to fall, dampening your hair and jacket.

he finally finds the umbrella, popping it open and holding it out for you first.

“you shouldn’t wait in the rain for me if you don’t want people suspecting things,” he purrs.

“shut up,” you jab, subconsciously taking his arm as you attempt to fit both of your bodies underneath the small umbrella.

“probably shouldn’t do that either,” he grins impishly, glancing down at your hand gripping the crook of his elbow. you just roll your eyes, trying to hide your embarrassment but keeping your hand firmly in place.

as the two of you continue your walk home together, the breeze picks up as the rain continues. you rub your hands together, starting to feel chilly. kuroo notices, just like he always notices everything.

“here,” he says, moving his free hand to wrap it around your cold fingers. you can feel your face flush and your heart speed up at the loving gesture. ordinarily his hands aren’t much warmer than yours, but this time you could swear you feel some sweat on his palm as he heats you with his touch.

“i guess this should probably be off limits too,” he says, “you know. if we don’t want people saying things.”

“it— it’s ok,” you mutter hesitantly, “this feels nice.”

“yeah,” he almost whispers, hoping you don’t notice the heat rushing to his own face as he musters up the courage to say what he’s thinking next. “i don’t mind when people say those kinds of things, you know.”

“huh?” you look up at him, stunned.

“like when they think that we’re dating,” he says, “i don’t mind— i guess, um, i wouldn’t mind—if it were true.”

your heart skips a beat. you can see the flush of pink dusting his cheeks now that you’re looking at him straight-on, even though his own eyes are currently glued to the pavement. your hand is still enveloped in his, the warmth now permeating much more than just your hand.

“i… don’t think i’d mind either,” you utter in the smallest voice possible.

it’s loud enough to get kuroo’s attention, though. his head jerks up to meet your gaze, eyes incredulous.

“what was that?” he presses.

“i— i wouldn’t mind either,” you repeat a little louder. his eyes are practically glowing now.

“y/n,” he breathes, “you… want me to be your boyfriend?”

holding your breath, you gather the strength to look him in the eyes. all you can manage is a tiny nod.

this is enough for him though, his face lighting up in an uncontrollable grin. he takes a deep breath, then, lifting his head up and out,

“HEY!!! IF ANYONE OUT THERE CAN HEAR ME, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT Y/N IS MY GIRL!!!!”

“tetsu—“

“SHE WANTS ME TO BE HER BOYFRIEND!!!!”

“KUROO!! shut the hell up, they’ll hear you all the way in miyagi!”

“let ‘em.” he turns his gaze back to you, grinning as his strong hand squeezes around yours, having never left its place.

you can’t help but smile back at him. despite your embarrassment, the feeling of that hand intertwined with yours is enough to assuage any concerns of what other people might say.

as long as you can keep holding onto him, nothing else matters.

a/n: aight this was absolutely one of my favorites to write for multiple reasons: the first is obviously that i am a big simp for the rooster head man. but i am also a big simp for the sexy 2019 oklahoma! revival and its entire company - ESPECIALLY damon daunno, whose interpretation of curly fits kuroo’s character so well it makes me sick, and could also make me c*m untouched with just his voice. seriously. i am begging you to click on the linked songs at the top of the post (i kinda combined the song with its reprise in act ii for this fic - i suggest listening to both for the full experience) you will thank me i promise. if you want visuals i like this concert performance they did - there’s no staging, but you’ll get to see damon daunno (warning: he is as hot as he sounds) and rebecca naomi jones (equally hot, unfortunately) and that should be enough to ruin your life for now. i’m not even gonna bother linking any performances or recordings that aren’t the 2019 revival, no other version of oklahoma! exists in my mind. n e wayz sorry this author’s note was so long lmao i am very passionate about this one, but i hope you enjoyed it too <3

taglist: @izagraceee @musicgetsmeoutofbed @azo-musxas @tsumurai

[feyborns]

AU IN WHICH NIMUE WAS NEVER SHOT WITH THE ARROW/OR SHE WAS SAVED AND REUNITED WITH THE REST OF THE FEY. Lancelot and Squirrel have also joined the camp, and it’s been a few weeks since they’ve all come together. (Pls don’t give me shit if something is not accurate. I loved the show and liked the theory of these two being a thing so PLS. Fan fiction is called fiction for a reason ok thnx)

The night was still, as the only thing to be heard was the crackling from the dying fire. Nimue silently curses herself for being one of the last few awake, as her eyes settle across the flames against the logs, they meet his. Was he a night owl as she was? Apparently so. A sigh emits into the vicinity, and she hates how quiet it is. Her village was always humming with life, and she clung the camp for the fey close to her heart as it mirrored her village in that aspect. Someone was always awake, up to something. Oceanic hues squeeze shut if only for a moment as she remembers their few days of bliss within those confines. Hidden away from the rest of the world. But most importantly, the Red Paladins. Optics narrow then, at the Weeping Monk. He’s given his true name, but she refused to give him the honor of using it. Even her thanks in saving Squirrel were limited. She loved that little boy, and hated that monk. His intentions were still unclear to her, and as she thinks of the Red Paladins, she’s reminded of his actions as well. He doesn’t meet her gaze from across the fire pit, but the way he avidly he avoids it shows he knows that she’s eyeing him carefully. Squirrel sort of looked up to him now. As any child would after being rescued in such a manner, but Nimue still held her guard up. She wouldn’t be considered Queen of the Fey if she was so easily trusting outsiders. Especially ones who had massacred his own kind. Still - it was clear that Father Carden had made his mark on him. Mentally and physically. And despite her best efforts, the heart kept behind those guards felt for him. Pitied him. Felt sad for him. Ripped away from his own culture, his people. Used as a puppet for majority of his life. Never knowing anything else. The way he saved Squirrel made something clear to Nimue, though. He couldn’t deny his true self, and when they came for a child, much like himself back then, they couldn’t allow them to murder him. He looked at Squirrel as if he was looking at a reflection of himself.

She’s stirred out of her thoughts only when he stifles up a cough from the back of his throat, meeting her gaze if only for a moment before averting it immediately back to the grass. “Something to say?” She questions, though she knows he was just trying to get her to stop eye boggling him. “No.” He mutters in that hushed tone of his, and for a moment she feels bad. She wished she didn’t. It would be so much easier for her if she was able to keep up this hardened shell toward him. It was, unfortunately, coming undone. He was an asset to the Fey, of course. He was an extremely skilled warrior. A master of the sword he weilded. It stirs an idea up within inside of her. “Could you teach me some of what you know?” Motions toward the weapon, and all he offers in response a swift nod.

A week later.

She’d never seen him so lively. So full of movements. But as he weilded the sword toward her, she’s awestruck. Father Carden was a beast, and a monster. A vile creature. But he surely toward Lancelot well. She’d retracted her earlier sentiment about using his given name - as their dusk meeting to fling swords at one another had become an every day thing. It seemed only respectful. If he was going to teach her, it was the least she could do. She felt like a master with the Devils Tooth already, but she knew it was the Hidden that guided her. There was room for improvement when it came to her fighting skills, and she found herself growing fond of the time they spent together. A part of her still hates herself for it.

“Distracted, today?” He questions, monotone as he is, he peers at her carefully. She shys away from his gaze, chocolate tendrils doing well to cast over her cheeks as she shakes her head.

“Never. Just awaiting your next move. I think I can already guess what it is.” She taunts, though there’s a mischievous grin settling upon crimson lips. And for the first time, she thinks ever, Lancelot is cracking the tiniest hint of a grin - before leaping forward into another lunge attack.

Two weeks later.

Sweat glistens in the rays of the sunlight, bouncing off the pairs bodies. They’d finished their practicing for the evening, and were now heading toward the lake to cool off. However, Nimue halts at the foot of the water, as Lancelot had already shed himself of his clothing, waist deep into the water. She’d only shown herself fully to Arthur - and he’s there in the back of her mind. Back at their makeshift camp, he was helping hunt for dinner. Gods, what’d he think of her right now? About to undress and indulge in a swim with someone who was once their enemy. It makes her stomach flip.

“Are you just going to stand there?” Applies the cool water to his long locks as he speaks, and she thinks herself he looks more so like an angel as opposed to what Father Carden had called him his whole life. A demon. She chuckles faintly, shaking her head. “Can you turn around?” He obliged without hesitation, and she appreciates that of him. Quickly, she’s tiffing off her garments, before slipping into the water. Careful to cover the entirety of her body.

He remains still though he had to of heard her come into the water. His back remains facing her, and it’s impossible not to notice the abundance of scars scattered about his shoulders and entire backside. It reminds her of her own, and she feels compelled to reach out and touch them. The pads of her fingertips smooth against the redness, soft. She didn’t want to startle him, but he tenses at the touch anyway. Something she expected. It’s abrupt, as he turns around, palm grasping fully at her wrist. “Don’t.” The single syllable leaves her frozen in place. Or perhaps it was his close proximity? A combination of both, she decides on.

“I’m sorry. We’re just... alike.” And she moves to find a grasp on the hand around her wrist, surprisingly he allows her to do so. The expression on his face was that if curiousity, as she moves his limb to rest against her shoulder blade, his fingertips mirroring her actions just seconds before. “See?” It’s a mere whisper, and when she lets go of him, he keeps it in place. Breath appears to be stuck in the back of her throat, and for a fleeting moment she’s thinking of Arthur.

It’s all flushed away as she makes a rather confident and last minute decision - pushing up the balls of her feet, it’s enticing as their lips meet for only a brief second. She’s petrified he’ll be disgusted. He’ll push her away - but wasn’t she supposed to be the one appalled with him here? Yet, he doesn’t move. He keeps the closeness between them, and she takes it as a motive to continue. Pressing full lips firmly against his own, petite hand finds place within his curls, and she feels as if she’s going to faint when he kisses her back.

It’s messy, and rough. Just like him. But she doesn’t mind. She never thought she’d want this, or stare at him long enough to wonder what his lips tasted like, but here she was. Finding the answer to that question. They tasted of salt, a mix of the water and the sweat from their pretend battle. Their tongues dance with one another, and goosebumps arouse her fair skin as his large hands find residence against her waist. Why was she craving this touch so badly? She doesn’t know, doesn’t have a clear answer. But as he does so, a muffled sound of pleasure emits into the others mouth, and she’s glad his eyes remained shut, as her cheeks flushed.

It’s as if her mind as gone completely blank, and all of her caution was thrown out the window. She’d never ached for someone this way, and she props one of her legs up around him, tugging him in flush up against her nude body. This earns a grunt of approval from him, and she yearns to hear more of them. It’s a swift action as her back is being pressed up against the side of the lake. Not a tactical place, but she wasn’t complaining as their lips continued to mesh together. She feels him between her legs, and can tell he’s not quite sure what he’s doing. It then dawns on her that he’s probably never done this before. Probably has never even kissed a girl before.

“It’s okay,” she whispers, breaking their kiss for a moment, her breath hot against his. “I want this.” Evidently she finds this is the only thing he needs to hear, pushing himself inside of her, slowly at first. The two’s noises of pleasure mix with one another in the air, as he’s beginning a rapid rhythm of thrusts inside of her. It was only the second time she’d done this, but why hadn’t the time with Arthur felt this good? Felt so right? It felt like Nimue and Lancelot were entangled within each other at this moment. Completely in their own world where the lust they silently held for one another could finally exposed and truly felt.

Grunts continue as his hands wander her body, exploring, and she likes it. It seemed as if he wanted to know every dip and crevice of it, as he was deep inside of her. Nimue’s head falls backward, mouth agape as his thrusts only quicken. He takes this opportunity, lips attaching to the exposed porcelain skin, nipping at sucking at the area. She feels ultimately euphoric as they reach their climaxes together.

It’s silent after, as he’s still inside her. Almost as if they’re both afraid to move and disturb the peace they’d just felt. However, the serenity could only last for so long, as he’s shifting his weight and moving a bit away from her, but not too far.

“Maybe we are,” he starts. “... alike, I mean.”

[milliethekitty27-writing]

Mom’s Advice

Alya didn’t know what was going on with Marinette and Lila. Sure, Lila was a little odd, and it could be really hard to plan things around all of her issues and her schedule, but Lila was very sweet and she was nice. She had a big heart. She knew all kinds of people and she seemed to be interested in anything and everything. She was a model for the Agreste brand, too.

She and Marinette should get along great, by that logic. They were both very kind people, they both helped others, they both loved fashion and knew all kinds of famous people. Lila was friends with Ladybug like Marinette was rumored to be friends with Chat Noir! There were so many reasons for them to be friends and it was driving Alya crazy that they weren’t. 

She had tried to be understanding about it. Maybe they got off on the wrong foot? Maybe they just… didn’t get along? She respected that Marinette didn’t want to be with Lila, but it was so hard to plan things with Lila because she was gone so much that every time Lila was there, Alya just… made plans. She did feel bad sometimes. She hadn’t seen Marinette much in the last few weeks, between stuff with Lila or homework or babysitting or Nino, but they’d at least gotten together… once? A few weeks… ago? 

Whoops.

Alya sent Marinette a text. Ice cream this weekend? It wasn’t the same in school. There was always a lot of stuff going on, and… oh. She’d been sitting with Lila at lunch more. Maybe she should divide her time better, but it was hard not to look like she was picking sides. She wasn’t! Her phone chimed. 

Is this another thing to get me to be friends with Lila or set me up with Adrien? Alya stared at her phone.

What? No girl it’s just that I haven’t seen u in a bit. She paused. Just us. Unless u want Adrien to come? She added an eyebrow wiggling gif. 

Can’t. Busy, sorry. 

When works for u? We gotta catch up I haven’t seen u in forever.

I’ll let you know. Alya groaned, tossing her phone on her bed before face planting next to it. 

“Alya?” Manman knocked on the door. 

“Yeah?” 

“You ok? Your papa said you had a bad day.” She hesitated for a minute. 

“It could’ve been better.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“...Yeah.” Her mom came in, then sat on her bed. 

“Well?” she prompted gently. 

“...I haven’t seen Marinette in a bit.” she said after a few minutes. Slowly, it came out. She told her mom about Lila and Marinette’s fighting, about Marinette’s wild accusations, about some of the odd feelings she’d had when Lila said things, about not being able to see one because the other would get upset or angry or she’d feel bad. She talked about not wanting to pick sides and about the constant weird tension between them. She talked about the weirdness in the classroom, how everyone seemed funny but no one was talking about it, and about how she was so tired of the akumas even though she loved watching Ladybug and Chat Noir do their thing. She talked about her stress over the Ladyblog because yeah it was her baby but what started as a pet project for fun was now something everyone watched. She talked about some of her concerns about Nino, about some of her grades, and when she ended she felt exhausted. Her mom chuckled after a minute. 

“You’ve been holding that in for a while.” 

“Yeah.” Alya mumbled. 

“Have you talked to either of them about this?” 

“Yeah. They just… Marinette says Lila is a liar, Lila says Marinette is bullying her, but Marinette isn’t like that! She’s one of the nicest people I know! They’re both so nice and-” Alya huffed. “I don’t get it.” 

“And you asked her to hang out and she said…?” Alya showed her the texts. 

“I think she’s lying to me.”

“Well, she is very busy so she likely isn’t lying. She doesn’t like liars, does she?” 

“No.” Alya shook her head. 

“She seems upset about Adrien and Lila.”

“I mean, every time we hang out she wants to confess! I might give her a push because she gets too scared but she talks about confessing every time! I’ve been respecting her not wanting to hang out with Lila so I haven’t been but I just wanted to get ice cream with my best friend!”

“Why do you think they don’t get along?” her mom asked after a minute. 

“I don’t know. They’re both-”

“Very nice people with common interests. I know. Why might they not get along?”

“Well…” Alya thought about that. She had before, but she’d brushed it off. “Maybe Marinette’s jealous? Because we’re all so interested in the new girl? Jealousy isn’t really her thing, though, that’s a Chloe thing. Except for that Kagami thing kind of. So… maybe she feels left out?”

“You haven’t mentioned her in some time.” Her mom agreed mildly. 

“Cause we’re inviting Lila and they don’t get along.”

“You’ve been leaving her out?”

“...oh.”  Her mom smiled a little. “Yeah, I guess we have. Maybe she is scared about it. I don’t want her to feel left out. She’s still my best friend and I don’t want her to think she’s not.”

“You could invite her to dinner tomorrow?”

“Yeah!” Alya perked up. “I’ll do that. And I’ll apologize for ignoring her. I hadn’t meant to.”

“I know. It’s hard being the person left out.” Alya bit her lip, looking at her phone.

“What if she doesn’t want to?”

“Then she doesn’t want to. It’s up to her.” Her mom smiled sympathetically. “You’ll figure it out. I know it’s hard and it sucks, but you’re a smart girl and I know you can do it. I’m here if you need advice.”

“Thanks, Manman.” Alya smiled at her. 

“Dinner’s in twenty. Get your homework done.” Her mom ruffled her hair, then headed out the door. Alya glanced at her phone, then took a breath and picked it up. She clicked on Marinette’s name and it rang. She twirled her hair around her finger. 

“Hey Alya.”

“Hey girl!” Alya perked up. “I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow?”

----

Thank you for reading!

I really like Alya’s character. I’ll admit that I’ve done my fair of salt readings and while I do think they’re funny, I have to remind myself that she’s, what, 14? She’s a baby and they make mistakes. I hope she figures it out soon enough. Her and Marinette have a good friendship but they’re both teens under a lot of stress and with really complicated friendships and social systems. I still don’t care for Lila (I knew girls like her and they were not fun) but I think Alya and Marinette will survive good friends. Depending on the writing.

[myalmostmidlifecrisis]

Side Note: Am I 13 or Almost 40?

Well hello there! Welcome to the My Almost Midlife Crisis, I’m your host Jennifer Mathis. Today it’s all about what it’s like to get zits as an adult which at times can make you feel like you’re 13 going on 40.

If you haven’t listened to Episode 1 yet, To Botox or Not to Botox, I encourage you to do so as we talk about all sorts of fun changes to our face and hair as we get older like getting grey hair, all the way to Botox.

As an almost middle-aged woman, I find myself having to deal with zits and breakouts for the first time in my life. Last week I mentioned that I grew up using Noxema which must have done the trick because I never really had the issue of acne or zits when I was going through puberty.

Now before you get all like – oh, must be nice Jennifer, hear me out. While I may not have had to deal with zits, all teenagers have something they have to deal with amongst their cruel and heartless classmates that are so quick to point out things on your body that you have no control over and cannot change. For a lot of teens, that’s acne. But for me, it was that I had no boobs until pretty much college.

I didn’t hit puberty until I was heading into high school so I would definitely be what they call a “late bloomer”. I remember going in the locker room for gym class and getting changed. All the girls around me would have their bras, they’d be using their deodorant and they would have their satin underwear. I don’t know why the satin under, in particular, stuck in my head but boy did I want a pair of satin underwear. I just thought they looked so grown up. And they did look grown up vs. what I was wearing, my cotton bloomies. You know which ones I’m talking about. The white cotton ones with the days of the week written on them?  So I would beg my mom to get me satin underwear, but she was not having it.

She always told me that I couldn’t get it because I was too young. Which is a bad strategy because if you tell a child or a teenager that they are too young for something, they just want it more. She should have just told me, “listen, satin underwear is not all it’s cracked up to be. It looks nice but it’s not comfortable, it doesn’t breath, you’ll get a yeast infection and trust me, you’re better off with cotton.”

So may lack of development in those years pretty much made me invisible to any boys. Except for one.

Let’s just for sake of story call him Tom. Let me paint a picture of you. You get changed for gym class. You’re sitting in a circle with your friends, although I was kind of a dork so let’s just say I was sitting with a group of peers. You’re waiting for gym class to start. You’re doing your stretches, stretching those hamstrings, getting ready for whatever your gym teacher is going to throw at you that day. Tom calls everyone’s attention, turns to me, lifts up his shirt, points to his chest and asks me if I was jealous.

Yeah, I was pretty much humiliated. The fact that I’m going to be 40 soon and I can still vividly picture this scene in my brain, even down to the detail of what color shirt he was wearing should speak to speak to how humiliated I was. It forever stuck with me.

I would like to say this story didn’t necessarily end with that. I was able to turn it into a happy ending because one year when I was coming home from college and at the gym, guess who I ran into? Lil Mr. Tom, which by the way wasn’t aging that well. Saw me in the gym, asked me on a date and I was able to turn him down. After the humiliation I was caused, it felt really good!

Anyway I digress. Now as an adult I look back and think about – was it better to be a late bloomer because I skipped the whole teenage acne situation? Or would it have been better to have acne as a teenager? When you’re a late bloomer, sooner or later you bloom, and it’s fine. You move on and it’s no longer an issue. But acne is something you could get throughout your entire life. Wouldn’t you rather have an opportunity to figure out what system works for you when you’re younger so you have that in your back pocket, in your tool kit, for the rest of your life?

But I didn’t have that. So as an adult, when I started getting zits, whether it was from stress or maybe it was pre-period zits, I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what were the best products. I didn’t know what to do.  I would just be googling it.

It’s crazy because as you get older and our bodies continue to change, you would think we could catch a break sometime. You would think we could swap it out instead of it being additive. Like for example, when I was younger I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted. There was one summer when I pretty much lived off of Sprite, Doritos and cigarettes and I turned out just fine.

But now, it’s this constant attention to detail on what I am putting in my body because at any moment, I could have some dairy, beans or gluten that will disagree with me and then I’m immediately feeling bloated and like I’ve gained five pounds. It’s only fair that if for the rest of my life I have to pay close attention to detail on the food that goes into my mouth so I can feel good, I should at least be able to get rid of zits.

For the most part my skin regimen seems to be working but every once and I will I still get zits here or there. In my FitFabFun box, I have now gotten these stickers for zits in two of them. The first pack I got was a mixture of black and red circle stickers. It reminds me of that game Girl Talk. I don’t know if you will know what I’m talking about or if they still sell it but as you went through the game, I don’t remember the rules, but as you went through the game, the worse you did the more red circle stickers you had to put on your face to simulate zits. Therefore the person that won the game had the least amount of zits on their face. Gee, no wonder we grew up being embarrassed if we had zits! We straight up had a popular game that shamed us for it!

The first round of stickers reminded me of that game and reminded me of that. But they didn’t really work anyway so if you got them just throw them away. I will say the ones I got recently seem to work better, they’re shaped like stars. Little black stars. On my last period, or pre-period, I got a couple of zits that were starting to form. I had three. So I was like “Ok, let’s try these out.”

So I put them on my forehead and I’m going to bed, which I realize these stickers are made for single people because if you are in a relationship when you’re wearing these stickers you look like a damn fool. But thankfully we have a very open and honest relationship so I feel comfortable enough in my own skin where I can wear these. So I come into bed, and my fiancé turns to me and says “Babe, your forehead looks like the galaxy.” Ha! He’s totally right! It did look like a galaxy. I mean, how romantic. What a great way to end the night. Hey, you feeling spicy? I have a galaxy on my forehead.

I feel like if they had these when I was a kid, that would have made having zits fun. Maybe that’s what they should do. Instead of having a game that shames you for having zits, they should have stickers that are stars so it can be a fun game. And maybe if they would have had something like this for late bloomers like myself, it would have taken the attention away from the lack of cleavage for the kids to focus on.

Anyway, there’s no way around it. Having zits as an adult sucks. And while you have your skin regimen, you have your Retinol and you have these stickers, and they all seem to help to some degree, I don’t think it’s actually possible to completely eliminate adult zits. Zits come from two things, stress and hormones. So once a month, as a female, your hormones are out of wack. But also stress. Stress, as adults, comes with the territory. So it seems like something you just have to live with.

But at least it’s something we can all laugh at together because unlike when you are a teenager, your fellow adults are not going to point out your zits in public so everyone laughs at you.

Tune in next week because we’re going to be closing out the conversation, we’ve been having the last couple weeks about the pressure women feel to keep looking young, by bringing in a new perspective. I’m going to be sitting down with one of my closest friends, Catherine, to understand her view on all these topics from Retinol and Botox and skin regimen and adult zits and all that great stuff we’ve been talking about and we’ll have some fun and laughs in the process.

Until next week!

[mrneighbourlove]

Red Winding River: Ch 2. Couples Counseling

Ocax had never seen Seer so nervous. Talking with Kanisa at the door, he glanced to Seer by the fireplace. “Thank you. I’ll let him know your dragons have the situation contained.”

"... you know, Seer doesn't talk much about what happened during his time at the brothel in his younger years. He doesn't talk much about being Adda's captive either." The princess told Ocax with a heavy sigh. "I think... this situation, the whole thing is a bit... of a bad reminder for him. Of what he wants to forget but can't. Just stay with him, will you? The last thing he needs is to be alone."

“I will. You have my word on that.” Ocax shook her hand, closed the door, and sat beside Seer. “This must be difficult for you.”

"... I rather not talk about it." Seer said very quietly, looking lost. "Please."

“Ok. Then we don’t need to talk about. Just know that I’m here for you.” Ocax hugged Seer from behind, planting a kiss on his side. “Would you like some coffee?”

"Thank you... how about you have your favorite bitter coffee and I'll drink the cocoa you despise?" Seer said in good humor.

“Come. We don’t need to bring negativity into our drinks.” Ocax carefully prepared their favourite hot beverages, and wrapped him and Seer in a fur blanket. They just drank in silence, bodies together for a few moments. “What do you think of the fire?”

"Hrm... which fire?" Seer asked, being smart. "The one in the room or the one in my pants?"

“The room.” Ocax started to learn Seer liked to dirty talk when he got nervous, or had high anxiety.

"Well, it's warm, like you. Very tempting, like you. And let me think..." Seer pretended to be in deep thought. "And once more, like you, somewhat dangerous."

“We never had fire in the twilight realm.”

"Was there no need for it?"

“In a way. We had technology to provide light to our buildings, and there was always the light of Twilight. Do you think Towa is happy?”

"I hope she is, wherever she might be." Seer then added. "But I can't lie. I am happy that she doesn't interrupt our sex anymore."

“True. I just hope she’s relaxing back at the home she wanted.” Ocax rested his neck onto Seers head. “I did the math. I can tell you every day Kanisa doesn’t wear a bra, and I can guess why.”

"Because... Vidar likes the jiggle?"

“And the nibble.” Ocax grinned happily at his joke. “I suppose men like him prefer the nipple.”

"I don't see how she tolerates him sometimes; he can be such a prick." Seer snuggled into Ocax and took a sip of his cocoa. "But he's mostly sweet to her. I don't understand it." He then started to snicker. "Remember when Na'seema's hatchlings stole his bed? He griped about that for weeks. All beside they wanted to sleep beside Kanisa for a night and hear stories."

“Man’s such a baby. How he can tolerate kids is a mystery.” Ocax gave Seer a soft kiss. “You want to sleep by the fire tonight?”

"I have no idea. I'm surprised that he survived Na'seema." Seer snorted in amusement. "Surprised he had two of his own and then wouldn't leave Na'seema's hatchlings alone. Insisting she needed some help. He's all tough on the outside, but soft on the inside."

When Ocax asked about sleeping beside the fire, the killer whale agreed. "That would be nice... do we have that fur pelt in here?"

“Want extra, hmm? I’ll get it. You just think of something pleasant to dream about. Like that whale you told me you dreamed about once. Sounded pleasant.”

"Hrm, it was a very interesting whale. I couldn't quite make him out with my echolocation but I knew he was there. Or she. Not sure." Seer recalled the melodic sound of the whale's voice assuring him everything would be all right. Maybe it was just part of a dream or perhaps a hallucination. Either way, it made him feel peaceful. "Told me I would get home soon. Maybe I was just hearing things."

“Maybe it was real. You got home? Correct?” Ocax burred him and Seer in the giant fur blanket.

"I'd like to think it was real. Sort of hard, hearing a voice but not being able to sense the presence." Seer nuzzled Ocax tenderly. "Still, either way, things turned out just fine. I met you."

“Then let’s dream for that whale to visit us again.”

~

Scarlet threw her clothes to the floor and went onto the king-sized bed. Rat was on story reading duty. Fine by Scarlet. She wasn’t sure how she was going to read with Adda on her mind. Her muscles felt so tight from stress. She just hoped everyone could come to their senses tomorrow.

After reading Trygve and Volcana a story, Rat made sure to tuck both of the children in tightly before returning to the bedroom. It was not going to be a good day or week or month with that pirate around. Why did Lex have to be so... so... so stupid?! Seer raised her better than that, Rat knew it! Groaning, the huge Labrynna flopped over onto the bed, muttering incoherently into a pillow.

“Are you as tired and pissed as I am?”

"Mmm-mmm." Rat's response was muffled by the pillow.

“That sounds about right.” Scarlet groaned, fidgeting in the bed. “Adda, Adda, Adda. Always Adda. Never escaping her stupid plans. I feel like a pawn, even now when I’m actively against her. Why’d she have to come back?”

"Maybe we can convince Na'seema or Stra'tuso to eat her." Rat said dryly. "Or a wonderful 'accident'... and one of the dragons stepped on her when they weren't looking."

“That’d work.” Scarlet leaned onto Rat’s back, wondering when Borghild would come to bed. Best they just forget today and go to bed. Nothing was going to cheer her up... “Least Revy understands. I’m sure Liz will too.”

"All hell is a-going to break loose when Lex tells Liz, you know that, right?" Rat rubbed his forehead. "Maybe it's high time we just take a vacation and opt out on this one. I'm too old to deal with this kinda of bullshit."

“I agree. Fuck... I just wish she wasn’t family to those girls. Or pulled a gun on me. Would have felt justified snapping her neck on the spot.” Scarlet tapped the back of Rat’s muscles. “Or let you snap her like a log.”

"Heh, I may be old, but I still a-got it." Rat flexed for Scarlet, as if he were a flirty teenager trying to show off his muscles. "A little gray won't defeat these guns."

"Please, you call those guns? These are guns." Borghild entered the room stark naked, showing off her biceps. "Don't worry, you're still pretty."

"Even with gray hair?"

"Gray hair, no hair, a lot of hair, it doesn't matter."

“You’re both amazing. But Gerudo don’t got guns. We got cannons~ Besides, my red hairs just gonna get dark with time. And I still got time before I even come close to that.” Scarlet joined in on the flexing. Watching Borghild just stand there was maddening. She was thankful she had two lovebirds to take her mind away from the taint Adda left in gut. “Can you get your blue bust over into bed?”

"I won't be able to rest well knowing that bitch is back." Borghild stretched, extending her arms above her head. "But I suppose nothing is better than trying to take a nap. Bears love naps, you know."

"I love naps squished between two sexy women." Rat grinned at her. "A hot desert mom and a mama bear."

Scarlet grabbed Borghild first, pressing her face in her breasts. “This hot desert mom needs to cuddle this bear before you big man. Then we can all share~”

"Hey, that's not fair, why do I always a-have to wait?" Rat gave a playful pout. "You two a-do this on purpose, me knows it."

"We'll never tell, will we, Scarlet?" Borghild laughed.

“What proof do ya got?” Scarlet was stressed, she couldn’t deny it. Maybe this was what they all needed. As she sucked on Borghild’s breasts, her feet snuck their way to playfully rub against Rat’s crotch.

"I gots proof enough with you always paying more attention to Borgie first."

"How can she resist these, Rat?" Borghild remarked as Scarlet played with her breasts. "You can't."

"Ah, you gots me there, Borgie."

“Rat? You want to do something about it? Or are ya just gonna sit there?”

"I dunno, you a-know I like to watch you two go at it first." Rat had no reason to lie. "We both know how demanding Borgie is."

"I think the word you're looking for is 'controlling'." Borgie gave Scarlet's backside a harsh swat with her hand. "I know how to get what I want."

Scarlet let her moan out freely at the slap. Lying her back on Rat’s stomach, she displayed herself like a plate for Borghild. “You really do.”

"And I don't even have to say 'please'," Borgie tugged sharply on Scarlet's red hair. "Cause you're just happy to give it to me."

Scarlet was embarrassed to admit it, even to herself, but she got turned on when commanded like this. She leaned in, kissing Borghild, practically begging to have her tongue swirl with hers.

"Greedy, are we?"

"Borgie, we both know she used to be a pirate, of course she's a greedy."

"Shush, Rat, let me enjoy this moment." Borghild returned Scarlet's deep kiss and then used her free hands to play with the Gerudo's breasts. "You know how much Scarlet likes to follow..." She leaned in to Scarlet's ears and purred. "Orders."

“S-Stop teasing...” Scarlets hands pulled Borghild closer by the hips. She just wanted the smaller woman as close as possible to her. Her ass was sitting firmly on Rat’s cock now, squirming around at Borghild’s actions and words.

"Well, maybe, this time, I want to enjoy the show." Borghild bent down where her husband's erection rubbed against Scarlet's ass. The Gerudo woman's legs were already wide open and it was easy access. Guiding Rat's cock to Scarlet's opening, she gave a flick to the woman's clit before allowing Rat to slip inside the already moist walls. "I want to watch you get fucked. I want to see your face when you're cumming."

"By the gods, Borgie, you're so hot when you a-talk dirty..."

"You fuck her good, Rat... I wanna hear her moaning and your balls slapping against her."

“Oh! Oh please!” Rat grasped Scarlet firmly and fucked her at a firm pace. The Gerudo’s tits bounced and her face contorted into carnal pleasure. She practically had hearts in her eyes as she looked at Borghild. “H-he’s so hard on me!”

"You like him to be hard on you, don't you, naughty girl?" Borghild asked with a sly smirk. As Rat held onto Scarlet's hips and thrust upward, there was indeed a show for Borghild. This was one of Scarlet's favorite positions from what Borghild knew. The mama bear knew that Scarlet liked it deep and steady at first, and then as she got closer to climax, a fast, hard finish. As the Direnor bear watched, she touched herself, getting slick with love juices. "See what you do to me?"

“I make you both wet as a river~” Scarlet almost giggled the words. Her pussy tightened at the sight of Borghild, squeezing on Rat’s cock. “I’m gonna cum soon!”

Her hands grabbed Borghild by the ass, and her tongue swirled deep into her wet folds as Scarlet pushed her mouth in to get a taste.

"Oh fuck, yes, yes,  yes!" Borghild was by no means quiet with her vocalizations. As Scarlet's tongue worked her magic, Rat increased his thrusts, fast, harder, deeper, just like Scarlet liked. Borghild's nails scraped against Scarlet's scalp as she neared her orgasm. "Swirl it... around th-the... fuck, fuck, the top, yes! Just like that!"

Scarlet clawed her wife’s ass as she pushed deep. The Gerudo’s eyes nearly rolled back as the Direnor came, her pussy juices being lathered up. She loved how tight her fingers grasped her head as Borghild screamed. Her own screams of orgasm were muffled as she was still head deep into Borghild’s crotch, but Rat’s continued thrusting awarded him.

Rat was not far behind his wives, gripping Scarlet's hips so hard that there were sure to be bruises later. He groaned loudly as he orgasmed, quivering from head to toe. How did men deal with have more than one wife? Sure, it was double the fun, double the pleasure, but goodness, it left him so tired. Then again, he was getting rather old.

"You two... I swear, make me a-feel young again..."

Scarlet playfully pulled Borghild to be sandwiched between her and Rat, facing her close to herself. “Of course. You’re a hunky man~ And you’re a blue battery of love~”

"Direnors can go and go and go for ages..." Borghild laughed. "I think when Rat and I had our first night together, he slept until the next day."

"You drained me of ALL bodily fluids, Borgie, a man has to have time to rest with such a wild woman." Rat chuckled in good humor.

“God. You both drain the hell out of me, I’ll tell ya that.” Scarlet laughed in good fun. “Let’s... lets just sleep. Think about just the three of us in this moment until the morning.”

"Agreed... but if you snore, I'm kicking you."

"Not if I get to her first."

“Bugger off you two.” Scarlet pulled them in close, quickly falling asleep. Her last thoughts were hoping Adda wasn’t going to hurt her family again.

 _______________________________________________________________

Previous Ch. https://mrneighbourlove.tumblr.com/post/188828626641/red-winding-river-ch-1-hellraiser

Next Ch. https://mrneighbourlove.tumblr.com/post/189130622691/red-winding-river-ch-3-paying-for-blood

[moonprincess92]

you know i want all of the AUs!!! but especially that coffeeshop AU — with sprinkles of them becoming roommates and having to fake date for some mysterious reason. :D (but i‘d be happy with just the coffeeshop AU tbh.) but you know i love all of your AUs (stories in general) and love you! ❤️

it’s no coffee shop au, but i managed to do the other two - anything for you, girl! (also on ao3) 

Jyn was literally already halfway to her parent’s house when she got themessages.

JynnjYYYNNNNNfuck my life apparently danielle is getting marriedFUCKFKJGIN MARRIEDPLS ANSWER THIS IS AN OFFICIAL CODE BLUE

She’d only glanced at them as she drove, but upon seeing the forebodingDanielle’s name she immediately pulled over to read them through properly.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

She hastily texted back,

AREU FUCKING KIDDING ME TELL ME UR KIDDING 

Only two cars whizzed on by before he replied,  

I am NOT kidding, she’s fuckingannounced it on fb????

In the next second, Jyn was furiously pulling up said Facebook, searchingfor Danielle’s profile. She was technically still friends with the woman, butonly so that she could retain the prime stalking privileges that being Facebookfriends provided. If she could, she would have blocked and deleted herMONTHS ago, but Cassian had begged her to keep her around ‘just in case, Idon’t know, so I can avoid her I guess’. It didn’t take much scrolling. Themost recent post of hers was an engagement announcement to some guy she hadliterally never even heard of, complete with professional photo spread andcurrently over a thousand likes.

Out of spite, Jyn angry-faced it.

JUSTCHECKED, MATE U WEREN”T KIDDING

OF COURSE IM NOT KIDDING

Areu drunk yet????

I’m certainly on my way

Jyn sighed, staring at her phone. She’d been planning on meeting up withher parents for dinner for months now. With her living several cities away andtheir ever-increasing schedules, it was always hard to find the time… but thisparticular crisis called for significant action. She quickly texted Cassian oncemore,

Areu at home??

I am currently on the couch of pain,yes

Don’tmove, I’ve just left work, I’ll be there soon

Before she could receive the expected ‘no, no, you go see your familylike you planned don’t worry about me’ messages, she quickly called herparents.

“Hello?”

“Mama? It’s me,” Jyn said. “Look, I know we’ve had to reschedule thisdinner like three times now, and I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to make ittonight either.”

“What’s going on this time?” Lyra Erso sighed. 

“Cassian’s ex-fiancée has just announced that she’s engaged again.”

“Oh, shit,” Lyra said at once, any trace of disappointment instantly gone. “Seriously, Danielle?”

“You understand the gravity of the situation.”

“I thought they’d only just broken up?”                

“It was four months ago,” Jyn admitted. “But four months to get over athree year relationship, find someone else, fall in love, AND get engagedagain? Fuck her!”

“Jyn, go home, seriously,” Lyra insisted. “Make sure that boydoesn’t drown himself in the bathtub or something.”

“I think drowning in alcohol is more likely – thanks Mama,” Jyn said inrelief. “Can you explain to Papa?”

“Of course – OI, GALEN!” Lyra’s booming voice suddenly screeched down the other end of theline. “CASSIAN’S EX GOT ENGAGED AGAIN!”

“The girl who dumped him two weeksbefore the wedding? How dare she!”

“I KNOW RIGHT?”

Jyn figured to hang up then. It didn’t take long for her to hang a quicku-turn and swing back in the direction she had come from, but it was longenough to notice the ten or so new messages that had apparently been sentto her as she’d spoken to her parents.

“Don’t even start,” she said upon storming straight into theirapartment. “I was coming back no matter what you said, this is a Code Blue forsure.”

“Did I even use the right one? Which one was Code Blue again?” Cassiansaid in resignation. He didn’t even bother getting up from the sofa, where hewas currently laid splayed out with a half-empty bottle of wine sitting on thecoffee table next to him.

“Code Blue is ‘emotionally my life has gone balls up and I need you’,”Jyn reminded him. “Code Red is ‘I fucked up and need immediate assistance’. Wesave Code Black for ‘I’M DYING’.”

“I don’t know, I think this could be a Code Black as well, Jyn.”

“You’re not dying yet,” she snorted, snagging the wine as she sat downon the other end of the sofa, lifting Cassian’s legs out of the way anddropping them back into her lap. She peered at the bottle in her hand andasked, “Could you have bought a cheaper bottle of wine?”

“I wasn’t spending any more on her.”

“Fair point,” Jyn threw some back. Cassian gestured for her to pass itbetween them, but she shook her head before hastily drinking more. “No, no, Iclearly have to catch up here.”

“I’m not THAT drunk.”

“Try and get off this sofa.”

He glared at her for several moments.

“Case in point.”

Cassian groaned, flinging an arm over his eyes. “Honestly, how did I endup here?” he said and Jyn felt for him, she really did. When you knew someonefor nearly 10 years, you saw a lot of heartbreaks and aches. From when they’dfirst met as awkward 18-year-old’s, to now in their late twenties and honestlyjust trying to Adult without dying, the two of them had been there throughevery single disastrous relationship they’d ever had. She’d been therebefore, during and after the Danielle fiasco, and he’d been right at her sideas she’d slashed the tyres of every ex who’d ever cheated on her (tugging onher arm and practically begging that they leave before they get caught, but he’dstill never let her do it alone). There was little that they hadn’t donetogether, or that they wouldn’t do for each other, to be honest. She rubbed hisshin where it lay over her said,

“It’s gonna be ok.”

“IS IT?” Cassian pressed his fingers hard over his eyes. “I appreciatethe support but Jyn, she’s engaged. Three years apparently wasn’t even enough time to want to marry me,but four months and she’s more than happy to say yes to some other bastard? Whothe hell even IS that guy?”

“Cassian, we’ve established that Danielle is a flighty bitch who can’tdecide what she wants and you’re better off without her,” Jyn sighed. “Do Ireally have to beat it into your head again?”

“Probably.”

She leaned over and whacked him affectionately. Thing was, the nightDanielle had called off the wedding was still a very vivid memory, even allthese months later. Literally two weeks before the day, and he had turned upoutside her door out of the blue at one am. He had only been living in his newapartment with his fiancée for three weeks at that point and her first reactionhad been to think welp, SOMEONE’Sdead. Instead, he’d looked at her with an expression that she couldn’t readand had told her simply,

“Danielle left me.”

“… fuck,” she’d said in reply.

And she really hadn’t known what else to say, because what the hell elseCOULD you say? Cassian had been so dedicated, so ready to be married, so deeplyin love that the idea that Danielle had just casually told him one night, “Hey,so I don’t really think I’m ready for marriage, sorry this didn’t work out,”seemed unfathomable.

Jyn had held out her arms and Cassian had immediately walked into them.

“Can I move back in with you?” he had sobbed into her neck.

“Of course,” she’d said back.

“ANYWAY,” she said now. “I might make more jokes and hit you some more,but I’m honestly sorry, Cassian. This sucks.”

“Yeah,” he muttered through his hands.

“You can cry, I won’t judge,” she smirked.

“Fuck you,” Cassian was already attempting to smoother the tears that wereleaking through and she damn well knew it. “Honestly, this is just mostlyembarrassing. Everyone knows that we were engaged only four months ago, and sheapparently wasn’t ready for marriage then but she’s suddenly ready NOW? WHY,JYN? FUCKING WHY.”  

“Hey, only a handful of people know that’s why she left,” Jyn pointedout. “If anything, everyone will be judging her for getting engaged again soquickly! That help at all?”

“A little. But I haven’t even told you the worst part yet.”

“Christ on a bike, there’s a worse part?”

“Brace yourself,” Cassian took a moment to apparently pull up somethingon his phone. In the next, he was handing her the device apparently showing atext conversation between himself and someone with the name ‘DO NOTENGAGE’. 

Hey, Cassian idk if you’ve seen, butI’m getting married!! I’dlove for you to be there, of course it’s a little whirlwind hahaso we haven’t had time to send out official invites but it’s onsat 5th Aug in southlake tahoe. PLS come, I’d love to see youagain!!!! Xxxalso feel totally free to bring a plus 1 ;)  

Jyn was honestly kind of in awe.

“Say the word,” she declared, staring at the offending message. “I swearto god, just say the word and I will fucking END her.”

“I’m not quite at that point, but I’ll let you know if I change mymind.”

“You’re not going. I cannot BELIEVE she had the guts to inviteyou!”

“About that…” Cassian cringed.

Oh, motherfucking shitballs.

“You already said you’d go, didn’t you?”

“Well, if I don’t go I look petty and clearly not over her!” Cassianhastily defended himself, snatching his phone back off her before she couldread his no doubt ‘omg I’d love to!!’ messages (not to mention promptly hurlinga fist into his head as well). “So I said yes out of spite, only now I thinkI’ve backed myself into a corner. I can’t go, but I can’t not go either.” 

“Christ on a bike, Cassian." 

"I know." 

“Well, if you think you’re going alone, you got another thing coming,”Jyn pointed out, grabbing the wine. Blimey, even she needed it now. “You’reshowing this bitch one way or another that she doesn’t have a hold on youanymore.”

“I appreciate your furiousness on my behalf,” Cassian said. “but believeme when I say I am in absolutely no headspace right now to go out and find adate.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I get you,” Jyn said. “Good thing this isn’t just awedding anymore, this is a fucking war. You can’t just take anyone, you need to take someone that is going tomake a statement. Someone that people will talk about for MONTHS after. Youneed to take the one person in the entire world that would piss her off themost.”

“So… you?”

She started a little.

She hadn’t actually been thinking of herself, but now that he mentionedit, it was suddenly the perfect plan. Danielle had quite famously never exactlytrusted the over-half-a-decade of friendship between her and Cassian, despiteJyn having attempted to date several other people over the last three years andCassian being the most devoted boyfriend she thought she’d ever seen. Herand Danielle had always played nice of course and there had even beenmoments when Jyn had managed to bring herself to maybe kind of like her, butthere had always been an undertone to their every interaction that just made itclear that at the end of the day, Danielle Livesay hated Jyn Erso’s guts andprobably always would.

There was no one else Cassian could possibly take that would annoy hermore.

“Yes, me,” Jyn said. “I’m serious, you take me as your date and Daniellewill flip her fucking LID, it will be perfect!”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that–”

“Good thing you’re not asking then,” Jyn declared. “I’m insisting andit’s decided. You got yourself a fake girlfriend! For the record, I’ll cuddleyou and give you a few kisses if she’s looking in our direction, but no tonguestuff ok?”  

Cassian just shook his head, trying not to laugh.

“You’re the fucking best, Jyn.”

“Of course I am. Now drink more wine, this is gonna be a longnight.” 

Of course the wedding was in fucking Lake Tahoe.

Last minute AND destination, Danielle was basically guaranteeing thatthe only people who would come were either only interested in a weekend away orwere the only ones who had no plans. Cassian’s jaw had been clenched basicallyever since they had left their apartment Friday afternoon, but steadily gotworse the closer they got to stepping inside the hotel for the ceremony.

“What do I say to her, whatdo I say–” he hissed frantically under his breath as they approached the nodoubt bloody expensive hotel. She insisted that he chill the fuck out, onlythat resulted in him shutting up and staying deathly silent instead.

"God, you’re not making this easy, mate,” she pointed out.“I think I liked it better when you were talking, I could at least tell ifyou were still alive or not.”

He just let out a strangled squeak. 

“Hey,” she said,reaching out and gripping his hand tightly, their fingers interwoven together.She brought them to her chest, holding him there and making him look at her.“Cassian, I get that this hurts but don’t make it about that. You can hurttomorrow, make tonight about revenge. Hold onto that feeling instead. We’llmake out in front of her a little, and then go and get smashed at the bar.Deal?” 

He nodded faintly. 

They were purposefully a little late to the ceremony, just to furtherprove the point that they didn’t actually give a fuck. They were quicklyushered in amidst some irritated looks from Danielle’s family. Jyn did noticethat only one of Danielle’s three sisters had apparently bothered to show up,and yet it seemed that nearly everyone from her office had taken the trip justto take advantage of the open bar later. They took up an entire row, lookingbored and passing a hip flask subtly between them.

Danielle naturally looked fucking stunning in her dress, and Jyn wassuddenly very glad that Cassian had insisted on tradition and not seeing itbefore their own wedding because turns out she was literally wearingthe exact same dress. Out of all the things to piss her off, Jyn had honestlythought it would be something more extreme, but nope. Apparently, a dress didit! That fucking dress, the one that had to be altered three times,that Jyn had helped her pick out, had reassured over manycomplimentary glasses of champagne that she looked beautiful in and thatCassian would love it, only to just turn around and use it to marry someoneelse instead… fuck her. Her husband-to-be looked kind of in shock, honestly, like hedidn’t quite know what he was doing up there in front of all these people.

Really, she knew the feeling.

Luckily, their strategic lateness meant that they had missed half theceremony, so they didn’t have to sit through too much of the gushing ‘I loveyou’s. They only caught the tail end of it, Danielle tearing up as she spokeher vows.

“Oh my god, I’m going to ruin my make-up,” she said, gaining some politelaughs. “Oh, Derek. Honestly, I don’t even know how to finish this. I thought Iknew what love was before we met, but turns out I had no idea. I am so, solucky that I found you and get to spend the rest of my life with you. I loveyou.”

Jyn glanced over at Cassian briefly as the vows wrapped up.

She had never seen the man go white before, but he was white as a sheetnow.

“I’m so glad that’s over,” he ended up grumbling through champagne onlya little while later. Thankfully, the reception was in full swing and honestly,it was almost worth all the emotional pain this weekend was so far causing justfor the sheer elaborance of it all. The dinner had been fucking amazing, and the vinyl windows had all beenrolled up to expose the ballroom to the open air and natural lakeside view.Lanterns criss-crossed the ceiling and with a DJ pounding out cheesy pop dancesongs, it was easy to get lost in a sea of alcohol and forget the whole‘getting married four months after getting dumped’ thing.

“I’m still pissed that she hasn’t even come over to talk to you yet,”Jyn pointed out. “What kind of fucking host doesn’t even talk to all theirguests? It should be easy, there’s only about thirty of them who even botheredto come!”

“Honestly, I’m fine with it.”

“Honestly, I’m not,” Jyn said. “I wanna show that bitch a piece of mymind.”

“God stop talking, stoptalking, I think she’s watching us,” Cassian suddenly panicked, spluttering onhis drink as he hastily turned around. “You’re jinxing it!”

“She’s looking?”

“From the high table, I accidentally caught her eye!”

“Perfect,” Jyn reached out and wrapped her arms around Cassian’s waist.He didn’t raise an eyebrow, however, until she started running her hands up anddown his back, clearly something she didn’t usually do when hugging him andalso obviously in Danielle’s line of sight.

“Jyn…” he sighed.

“Come on! Is this not why you brought me?”

“I’m starting to re-think the idea, to be honest, she’s going to knowit’s not real, that I’m just a hopeless loser who brought his roommate as adate to his ex’s wedding–”

“Shut up, that’s just her getting into your head,” Jyn insisted. “Workwith me, here.”

Cassian sighed… before leaning forward and pressing his nose into herneck. “That’s it,” she grinned. It wasn’t quite the statement she was goingfor, but it would work for now at least. From this angle, it would look like hewas kissing her exposed neck and shoulder, and she purposefully turned ever soslightly so that her face could be seen from the high table.

Sure enough.

“Oh my god, she’s coming over.”

“Shit–” Cassian nearlyspilled champagne down her back.

“Don’t stop kissing me!”

“I’m not kissing you, remember–”

“Well, maybe you should be, because we got about twenty seconds beforeshe’s here–”

He cut her off with a sudden kiss that was just on the side ofdesperate, but she didn’t care. Honestly, she’d had worse kisses before andwith worse people. She didn’t even have long to make a spectacle of it sincebarely a second later Danielle was upon them, calling out and forcing themapart.

“Cassian! Jyn! Shit, guys, thank you so much for coming!”

“Oh, Dani,” Jyn said, cheerfully. “It’s no problem.”

“The journey wasn’t too bad?”

“Nah, we road tripped it,” Jyn carried on talking, seeing as it seemedthat Cassian had been deemed temporarily speechless. As well as she knew herbest friend… really, she didn’t know at all what he was currently thinking.Hell, she wasn’t even sure if he was even out of love with Danielle yet. Like,properly and everything. He was clearly not over her, as anyone rightfullywould be, but the man had been in love with her for three goddamn years. Thatwasn’t something you could just turn off overnight.

(Jyn knew. She had tried once.) 

So she kept an arm slung around Cassian’s waist and chatted away aboutmostly meaningless things for a while until he could get his bearings (and histongue) back. Eventually, he managed to cut in over the conversation with arather strained and out of the blue,

“You – great! The ceremony was great!”

Danielle blinked a little, but otherwise carried on like normal. “Thanksso much,” she smiled daintily. “Hey, honestly it’s just good to see you guysagain! It’s been too long and apparently,” Jyn noticed her gaze harden just slightly around the edges. “I’vemissed a lot.”

“I s’pose there is a lot to catch up on,” Jyn noted. “Bodhi says hi, bythe way, and Kay says you can go something anatomically impossible.”

“Oh, Kay. He never gets old,” Danielle blatantly lied. “Not that I don’tLOVE your friends, but I was actually talking about you two! Like holy fuck,when did it become a thing? It’s so exciting!”

Her tone made it clear that it was not something to be excited about atall, but Jyn feigned the same enthusiasm anyway.

“Oh, it’s pretty recent,” she glanced at Cassian for help confirmingtheir made up story. They had spent their eight hour car journey here creatingit and honestly, it she had thought it worthy of an Oscar or two at one pointbefore they’d forced themselves to tone it down a bit.

“Hold up, hold up,” she had said somewhere around Yosemite NationalPark. “The key to a good lie is simplicity. The more dramatic, the more detailsyou have to remember, the less believable it becomes. You’re a decent bloke,but not even Danielle is going to buy that you surprised me with a weekend awayto Paris.”

“But I was going to photoshop us some photos and everything,” Cassianhad mock-complained.

“Maybe we save that story for when Danielle ultimately invites us to herthird baby shower,” Jyn rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go with the ‘we hooked upwhile watching a movie one night’ story.”

“But that one’s boring.”

“Are you kidding? It’s not boring at all,” she had insisted. “If anything,it’s the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard! I mean it’s two best friends andflatmates who have known each other for years taking a chance one night andhaving it pay off, like this is fucking romcom gold.”

“Ok, fine,” Cassian hadrelented.

She might have also thought of pitching the entire thing to Hollywood,but that wasn’t the point to be focusing on here. Danielle was still standingin front of her, impatiently waiting to hear some epic-worthy tale that couldpotentially rival her own and considering the expression that was currently onCassian’s face, Jyn knew that she was gonna have to be the one to tellit. She could practically see the man internally spiralling.

“So it just happened then, huh?” Danielle said through a strained smile.

“Yeah, one night we were watching a movie together,” Jyn quickly threwback. “Just something dumb, but it got us thinking and it was like… I don’tknow. A switch getting flicked somewhere. Next thing we knew, we were athing and we basically never looked back.”

She glanced up at Cassian. She was a little thrown to realise that hewas no longer staring at Danielle in utter distress, but now watching her. Shewasn’t ridiculous enough to insist that the story wasn’t a nice one to thinkabout – was there really anything more ideal than falling for someone youalready knew so well? Someone that you didn’t have to worry about annoying ormaking a good impression with, because they had already seen you at your 4amworst and didn’t care? – but imagining pretend scenarios wasn’t exactly goingto get you far in life. How bad would it be if she let herself indulge for aweekend? No matter how unhealthy it probably was, she wanted to pretend atleast for a little while that she had her life sorted.

(A part of her hoped that Cassian might be willing to pretend a bitlonger too).  

“You know, I knew it,” Danielle hastily cut in. “I don’t know how, but Ialways knew it was you two! OMG, you’re like a movie or something!”

“You know, we had that exact same conversation on our way here,” Jynsaid, pulling back to give Cassian a pointed look.

“Well then,” Danielle’s smile was definitely edging into painfulterritory now, but that was what Jyn was hoping for. “I guess I’ll, erm–”

Jyn didn’t let her answer. She reached up and threaded a hand intoCassian’s hair, ignoring Danielle completely as she hauled him into her body.Danielle’s words died off immediately as Jyn kissed him with edge, with armswrapping around his neck and with that kind of energy that suggested that theywere only minutes away from pushing each other up against the gifts table.Honestly, she forgot the wedding, the people and the ex-girlfriend for amoment. All she knew was the inside of Cassian’s mouth and the things itwas doing to her.

Danielle hovered awkwardly for the entire five minutes it took her tofinally realise that they weren’t surfacing anytime soon.

“Well, see you guys around then!” she eventually trilled.

“–oh fucking lord,” Cassian gasped, pulling away once she was out of theirline of sight. “Oh fucking LORD, we just did that. She just did that. Am Idead?”

“Not yet.”

“I thought you said no tongue?”

“I don’t bloody know, ok?” Jyn said exasperatedly. “By the time Irealised, I had already committed. Kill me all right?”

“Nah, nah, I mean,” Cassian coughed, avoiding her eye. “the tongue wasgood.”

Honestly, a part of her wanted to simply laugh back the tongue was good? but something shot through her at his words. Maybe it was theawkward way he said them, maybe it was the fact that she could still feel himagainst her mouth, but either way something choked her throat and settled inher chest. When she looked up at him she felt her face growing hot.

Blimey.

“Jesus Christ, this was an insane idea,” he added, hastily.

“Well, we can’t go back now,” Jyn said, shaking her head. “C’mon, mate.Let’s go dance.”

(An hour later, she was still ignoring whatever it was that was in herchest).

Neither of them claimed to be good dancers, but the open bar surehelped. “Honestly, the drunker we get the better,” Jyn had added at one point,seeing as every good wedding had to be ruined by at least someone who got toodrunk to function and eventually rounded off the night with throwing up into anewly gifted vase. Traditionally, the more she and Cassian drank, the more theyembarrassed themselves and the equation only got higher when you added the twoof them together.

It was the perfect combination, really.

“CAN YOU PLAY WEIRD AL’S AMISH PARADISE?” she had screamed at the DJ atone point. “THAT’S THE SONG WE FIRST HAD SEX TO!”

“IT WAS?” Cassian had yelled back.

“JUST GO WITH IT, BABE.”

And so the last hour had resulted in many, many dances to increasinglywedding-inappropriate songs that had the guests roaring with laughter andDanielle no doubt fuming at. Jyn’s memory admittedly got a little fuzzy aroundthe fifth (or maybe sixth?) champagne, but she certainly did remember wrappingherself around Cassian and sloppily making out on the dance floor to the sultrytunes of Big Sean’s ‘I don’t fuck withyou’.

Somewhere between the sixth and seventh drinks, they discovered thephoto booth in the foyer, complete with little basket of novelty props. A largecanvas was mounted on the wall next to it, currently half full with photostrips of varying wedding guests wearing miniature hats and sunglasses. ‘Please help us make our night memorable!’ a small note read above it and Cassian had gotten the idea thistime.

“I’m going to hell for this… but Jyn, would you please make out with mein the photo booth?”

“It’d be my fucking pleasure,” she had declared.

She was still laughing about it afterwards. Their photos they hadpurposefully posted right in the middle of the canvas, complete with thescrawled message of ‘thnx 4 inviting us!’. She had lost Cassian however during a trip to the bathroom, and shetried to not make it too obvious that she was staggering back into the hall,clinging onto the nearest table to stay upright. He wasn’t waiting where shehad left him, and couldn’t see him anywhere near the dance floor. For a moment,she panicked that he had somehow tracked Danielle down somewhere and was busybegging for her back, but no, Danielle was accounted for, currently making therounds and chatting to all of her guests. She caught her eye and Jyn mock wavedwith a grin, only to turn it into a curse when the woman apparently took it asher cue to come over.

“Fucking Jesus, Dani, I’m not drunk enough for this–” she whined.

Danielle stomped to a halt in front of her. The charade was gone. Allpleasantries left at the door. This was the bitch underneath the smiles and shewas apparently not humouring her anymore.

“What is your problem?” she snapped. “Why are you intent on ruining mywedding?”

“Hey, you fuckin’ invited me.”

“I invited Cassian,” she reiterated. “If I’d known he’d be bringing you, I wouldn’t havebothered.”

“Why did you bother, though?” Jyn tried very hard to keep track of theconversation. It was difficult when one could barely stand upright. “I mean,you broke his fucking heart, wasn’t that enough? Did you really have to stompall over it, too? Who the fuck even does that?”

“Oh, like you have literally ANY idea–”

“I see you didn’t answer the question–”

“I never meant to hurt him,” she suddenly bit out. “It wasn’t as if I wanted to cancel my own wedding twoweeks before! No one wants to fucking do that, but I was getting married forall the wrong reasons. Sure, it might’ve helped if I figured out howimmature and insecure I was being a bit earlier, but sorry that I’m a dumbass bitch whotook my sweet time, ok?” 

Jyn just stared at Danielle. It really wasn’t the story she had beenexpecting, but maybe it should have been. At the end of the day, Daniellewasn’t a bad person. She was certainly an annoying person, a self-centred andmanipulative person, but never bad. There was a woman in there that Cassian Andor had managed to fall inlove with after all, one that she had reluctantly called a friend. She wasstill in there.

That was good enough for her.

“Ok,” she said, simply.

Danielle nodded before taking the champagne glass out of Jyn’s hands anddraining it herself. “I am happy for you guys, by the way,” she insisted.

“You don’t have to–”

“Nah, it’s fine,” she gave a strained smile. “Honestly, maybe anotherreason I left breaking it off so late is because a part of me was secretlyhoping he would do it first.”

“Why in the hell would he have done that?”

“Because of you,” Danielle shrugged.

She found him outside.

Sat on the steps that led from the ballroom out onto the rolling lawnsof the hotel grounds, his back was only a silhouette but she knew it was him.She clung to the handrail until she could throw herself down beside him,nudging his shoulder lightly. “Hey,” she said. “you disappeared.”

He drew in a shaky, rattling breath, and it was only then she realisedthat he had been crying.

“Oh, fuck,” she said at once.

“I’m fine, Jyn.”

“No you’re not, you’re – oh,god –” She was ill-equipped to deal with emotions on her best of days! Whenshe was drunk, she may as well pat him on the head and say ‘there, there’ forall the good she could do. But still, this was Cassian so she had to try. Shewrapped both her arms around his, hugging it to her body and resting her headagainst his shoulder. Cassian sniffed loudly, rubbing a sleeve across his face,but thankfully not shoving her off. She stayed quiet until eventually, hecalmed down.

“This was supposed to be mine.”

She stayed staring off into the grounds, squeezing his arm tighter.

“All of this, Jyn. The wife, the wedding, the lifetime spent togetherforever, this was supposed to be mine. Where the hell did it all go wrong?”

“It’s not your fault,” Jyn murmured.

“Isn’t it? How did I not realise?” he said. “Honestly, there must havebeen warning signs, things that I ignored or something, because no one just dumps you twoweeks before your wedding out of the blue like that.”

 “I just spoke to her,” Jyn mentioned. “Well, I say I spoke to her,it was more like she cornered me… but she said some things. Do you want me totell you?”

He shifted a little and she knew he was glancing down at her. “Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Jyn, I need to know why she did this.”

She took a deep breath. “She said she realised she was getting marriedfor the wrong reasons. She did love you, but she mentioned the words immatureand insecure, so I’m guessing she only said yes to getting married because itwas the way to hold onto you… maybe she didn’t quite grasp the finality of itall until it hit her…”

Cassian sighed.

“She also mentioned me.”

FUCK.

She hadn’t meant to say that part. Hell, she still didn’t really knowhow to process that particular statement herself, that part was supposed to beburied and ignored for the rest of their given lives! Christ in heaven, youcouldn’t even give drunk her one job! She had no idea what to say to try anddefuse the situation (or even if anything COULD be said) and so she ended upstaying silent, her grip on his arm loosening a little.

When she tried to pull away, he grabbed her hand in the dark and pulledher back, holding it tight.

“Ah, well,” he was apparently going to laugh it off. “We always knew shedidn’t like you.”

“Dunno why,” Jyn said. “I’m a splendid bitch.”

“Look, please don’t think I blame you–”

“Nah, nah, shut up,” Jyn quickly waved past it. “Either way, are you oknow?”

“I’m far from ok,” Cassian mentioned. “but at least I think I’ll be ableto get over it. Someday.” 

“Good. Now let’s go bail early to piss her off one last time.”

“Sounds perfect.” Cassian was the first to move, heaving himself up onthe handrail before turning back to her and offering out a hand. Jyn stillwasn’t quite sure what exactly had gone down between them thisevening. More than a nothing, but less than a something… it waslike the idea of the two of them had simply been dangled teasingly infront of her nose and for the first time in her life, she was actually thinkingabout what it would be like to grab it. Jyn felt that undercurrent thatDanielle had always been so afraid of, the one that was currently thrummingbetween them, and the thoughts simultaneously terrified her and thrilled her…

(But they’d be fine. Tomorrow was a new day, and they would wakeup and this would all be fine). 

She took his hand.

“Thanks for doing this with me, by the way,” Cassian mentioned in thecar on the way home. 

“What, ruining your ex’s wedding for you?”

“Yeah, that,” he snorted. “We never mention the amount of kissing we’vedone to either Bodhi or Kay, by the way.”

“Oh, you can count on it,” Jyn said.

[lollytea]

I have a three hour class coming up, so naturally, I need to give you something that will take you three hours to write to make it fair. Gimme all of them for either Satin Diamond or Jazzle, your choice.

Idk enough about Puzzle to do ALL of these about Jazzle so I went with the sparkles.

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other?

Now I’ve said that Guy is a HUUUUUGE impulse buyer who would probably throw money at whatever remotely reminded him of Satin. But I also imagine Satin as the type to spend MORE on stuff for Guy.

Just because while he’ll buy anything that holds his attention long enough, she’s more focused on the quality. If it’s expensive, its good. All shit that goes on her boy gotta be designer and she is hellbent on dressin him pretty.

So Satin. Its Satin.

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap?

Guy. Whenever he has a tight schedule, he’s either working or napping cuz damn son hes exhausted. But the thing is, that leaves him with very little time to spend with Satin. So sleeping in her lap is the best he can get.

Meanwhile, my girl has a way better sleep endurance than he does. She can pull off an all-nighter and still seem perfectly composed the next day. Satin’s fuckin incredible.

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes?

who tf u think

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway?

Guy is often begging Satin to get some sleep. But listen, if she’s in the zone, you cant stop her. Yes, Guy, she’s aware its 2am.

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies?

Neither Satin or Chenille have much experience in cooking. They were pretty spoiled and never had to lift a finger in any kind of housework during their childhood and teenage life. Both of them have had to learn since they moved out but they gotta stick to the basic stuff.

Bless her, Satin’s heart was definitely in the right place. But what she tried to cook was gourmet which she sure as hell was not ready for yet.

Guy’s childhood ran more on a chore wheel kinda thing. He and his siblings had to take turns cooking dinner each week so like he’s a lot more acquainted with it. But is he proud of Satin’s obvious efforts, that’s his girl! You did amazing for your first try!

Tbh he probably tries to eat some of it just to be like “Nonono its fine, we can totally eat this for di-” *Chokes and has to spit it out* “Yeah ok imma make some cookies. You did a good job tho I love you”

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”?

At a petstore, Guy points at two lizards lying on top of eachother “That one’s me and that one’s you.”

“There’s a fine selection of squeaky toys over here and I'm going to pick one just to whack you with.”

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes?

I mean Guy wears the clothes Satin MAKES so

I'm sure he’s tried on her actual clothes a couple times tho

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?”

Satin: “Okay okay, so it was a good day. A really good day. A productive day. Bought the groceries for dinner tonight, made the phone calls, picked up the dry-cleaning, went to the post office, got the car fixed, vacuumed the living room-”

Guy: “Aww baby, that’s great. Hey, where’s Jade?”

Satin: “Where’s who now?”

Guy: “Our 2 year old son? You-you picked him up from day-care, right?”

*Sounds of Satin grabbing her keys and tripping out the front door*

Guy: “.....was that a yes orrrr?”

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions?

Guy cant read maps so he drives. Also if they have a kid (or theyre babysitting the other kids) Satin’s better at telling them to behave so its better if she’s not behind the wheel.

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws?

Guy poses, Satin draws. Its like part of their whole model/designer dynamic. Duh

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips?

Guy backflips, Satin has chips

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking?

After the first article of clothing is removed, Satin is forced to confiscate Guy’s glass.

“Sweetheart, listen. We cant afford to do this again. We cant go back to jail.”

13: Which one likes to surprise the other with a lot of small random gifts?

They both do ofc

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own?

Satin did when she was really little but Guy hadn't the foggiest clue why she kept doing in. He just piped up with “That's not your last name, it’s mine, silly!” Then proceeded to tell her what her last name was in case she forgot.

She did start calling herself Satin Diamond a few years before they got married. Like it wasn't his real last name so it didn’t matter much. Plus it sounded classy as hell. You wouldn't wanna fuck with a lady called Satin Diamond.

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside?

Neither of them are huge fans of spiders but as Guy always had to suck it up and take spiders out for his little sister’s sake, he’s a lot more equipped to dealing with it.

16: Which one gives the other their jacket?

Satin often doesn't wear jackets so if she cold, Guy’s on that shit in an instant

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling?

They both got a pretty good relationship with eachothers siblings. Guy’s brothers are all lovable nerds in their heart so they adopt Satin immediately

Meanwhile Chenille is like a sister to Guy so like she knows he’ll cherish Satin with all his heart but like. Like a sister. Tell me Chenille hasn't blown her top several time��cuz her annoying little brother/her sister’s boyfriend is being a shit again

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other?

Guy probably. Their relationship kinda develops from friends to occasional flirting to more recurring flirting to constant flirting and like Guy is almost CERTAIN they’re on the same page. Orrrrr flirty might just be a budding aspect of Satin’s personality because hey, it does suit her very well.

Eventually he just gets confused and impatient and blurts out like “HEY ARE WE DOING WHAT WE’RE THINK WE’RE DOING CUZ I LIKE YOU A LOT AND-”

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting?

Pretty good, considering they weren’t really ready to be parents. The whole nine months was like last minute cramming for a test. They read so many baby books my fuckin god.

But no Satin’s a natural mom. Not as high energy as Poppy and a lot more subdued but still very caring and considerate. She’s calm and logical when helping her kid deal with problems and makes sure he always feel comfortable when talking to her. Jade is REALLY close with his momma.

Also if he gets caught sneaking out at night, he’s shish kabob. But he respects and understands that. His mom is the best person in the world. He just wouldn't dare fuck with her

Guy is also a very devoted father and tends to act as the sillier parent. His relationship with kid can be best described as “Lovingly argumentative.” But no matter, how much he makes fun of his Dad, Jade is probably his biggest fan. He knows the man’s complete filmography by heart and aspires to be an actor too. (Jade cant act for shit but ssssh he’ll change his career choice when he’s older)

But yeah, Guy spent years as his acting coach and tried so hard too because he personally believed his boy could do anything. Turns out he couldn't but ehhh, its the thought that counts. Guy loves Jade to bits and vice versa.

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters?

Neither of them use perfect grammar but Satin is most definitely the number thing. Guy is not.

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them?

I dunno if either of them are the type to get bullied. At least in the case of Satin, she just doesn't take crap. But I guess in the case of Guy, who’s just so unashamedly himself, he might piss off a few other kids with that toxic masculinity mind-set. It probably doesn't happen often but if it ever did, Satin would bite their heads off. She aint here for this bullshit.

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun?

Guy: *puns*

Satin: “You’re doing amazing sweetie” (I imagine death so much, it feels like a memory.)

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy?

Hear me out. Guy is the impulse buyer, which is why it shocks everyone when Satin is the one to buy the puppy. She was going through an emotional week ok?? Leave her alone

Guy actually has to be the voice of reason here because babe do we have time for a dog idk if we can do this

They end up keeping it and tbh they are TOTALLY the type of people to call themselves the dog’s mommy and daddy. They’re those people fite me

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired?

Satin doesn't get tired easily but she wears pinchy shoes a lot so Guy gives piggybacks when she needs it

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering?

I need to tattoo “Guy is Satin’s biggest fan” to my gotdamn forehead

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder?

Satin. Guy hates candid photos so fuckin much so like nobody has any pictures of him laughing or sleeping or just walking around with no makeup on.

Except for Satin. Satin has like a billion. Guy just doesn't know about them cuz she knows he’d make her delete them.

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked?

I mean Satin DID give Guy a makeover when he asked. You don't think the legendary Guy Diamond look was a one man job, do you? Nah, the twins helped create the icon.

Hell, his first experience with makeup was Satin hiding him the girls bathroom stall when they were like 12 and covering up the acne on his chin after she caught him getting upset over it.

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of?

Look if Satin ever gets a snake, Guy aint gonna be pleased

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains?

Okay but listen to me. Guy makes a big deal every time his hair gets wet. He hates rain. He hates it so fuckin much.

One time when they were teenagers, they agreed to meet at the other end of town to see a movie. Ofc theres a downpour and Guy’s standing with his umbrella at the bustop, waiting for Satin’s bus to show up. But once she steps out, she looks frazzled af, clearly having not expected the rain.

So its been a long day and Satin is pacing back and forth, unintentionally splashing puddled as she rambles about an unfair detention she received, about Chenille stealing her hairdryer, about her homework not making any sense.

The rain suddenly stops pelting her head and a shadow falls over her frame. She turns around to find him with his arm outstretched and his umbrella looming over her.

Guy blinks, confused as she stares at him in shock, his hair a soaking mess. “What?

And Satin is just internally “Imma marry him. I stg imma marry this loser.”

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures?

Wherever there’s city lights and rooftop penthouses. Theatres, restaurants and glitzy ballrooms. They live for the night glow. Tbh take them to Paris. Let them dance under the Eiffel Tower at midnight. Tell me that isn't the pinnacle of romanticism.

Also Satin takes the pictures. She’s the better photographer between them. Guy gets too eager and so many of his pics are fuzzy

[chrismaverickdotcom]

Holes in the Sky... and the plot (a very late Ghostbusters review)

When Ghostbusters(2016) came out, I actually wanted to go see it and review it, but I happened to be busy that week and it bombed so hard that it was basically gone the next week, so I never got around to it. However yesterday I made a comment comparing the reviews of it to my fears about the reviews on the new  Wonder Woman movie (more on this in a bit) and a few people told me they really liked it and it was really good. My friend Brian, in particular, said “you should totally watch it and write a review like immediately!” Turns out it’s on Starz right now, and I was spending last night working on my comic strip anyway. I don’t usually do movie reviews of non-new releases. Or at least I haven’t yet. But it was Brian’s birthday yesterday… so you know what… Happy Birthday, Brian… here’s your review.

So uh…. SPOILERS… I guess… not really…  (I’ll get to this too).

One of my biggest problems with Ghostbusters when it came out was the lack of fair reviews. No one seemed to care about the movie. They cared about feminism. Both good and bad. What I mean is most of the chatter I saw about it came in two types: 1) “This is stupid. This is the worst movie ever. Why can’t chicks stick to their own movies. Why can’t they just stick to their own crap chick flicks and stay away from dude stuff! This is the worst movie ever!” or 2) “This is an important movie for women! We need more roles for strong women actors! If you hate this you hate women! Best movie ever!” What I didn’t see much of was the one thing I really wanted to see… “was this a good MOVIE?”

So I watched it. And the answer is… it’s not. It’s also not a bad movie. It doesn’t really deserve praise or derision. It falls pretty much exactly in the realm of what is quickly becoming one of my favorite ratings, particularly for tentpole franchise films “well, yes that was a movie.” Which is to say that it in all ways technically fulfilled the qualifications of motion picture cinema and while doing so did not actively annoy me for the 116 minutes that it was on screen. I was mildly entertained because I’m distracted by shiny colors and sparkly moving objects like a 6 month old. But I can’t say much more about it than that.

But it isn’t BAD. I have to stress that. It’s fine.

I was talking to a few people about it before I watched it and they said they liked it better than the original Ghostbusters, an they thought it would age better. I didn’t and I don’t. But not by much. To be fair though, I don’t love the original Ghostbusters. I’d give it maybe 2.75 out of 5 stars. It’s ok… and for it’s time it’s really innovative. And really Bill Murray in his prime drives that movie. It’s not his best performance, but he really makes it what it is. He turned a mediocre action comedy (this ain’t Caddyshack, folks) into something that could become a cult classic. That makes it fun. But as a movie. It’s really just a bit over mediocre. I might have maybe given it three stars if I were actually reviewing it in 1984, but it hasn’t aged well. Most of prestige of that film is wrapped up in it’s legend… not in what actually happens on screen. And that’s fine. Lot of movies that are far worse are very fun. Rocky Horror Picture Show is a shitty shitty shitty movie… that’s kind of the point.

No one in the new version has quite the charm of 1984 Bill Murray… and that includes 2017 Bill Murray. They’re not awful or anything like that. But the four principle leads are kind of typecast. Kate McKinnon probably does the best, but that’s because she hadn’t had an opportunity to really shine in a movie before this. And much like I said about her role in Office Christmas Party, she’s basically just one of her SNL characters. At least she goes for it though. Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy don’t. They’re scaled down versions of characters that I’ve seen them play before… and better. And Leslie Jones is playing Paul Feig‘s idea of Leslie Jones. It’s basically the same character she plays on SNL but toned down by a white man to be less scary (seriously, I felt like her basic screen direction was “can you black it up!!! but you know, don’t black it up too much? Maybe a mid to late era Eddie Murphy and really tone down the Richard Pryor. Thanks!”). None of them are bad. They’re…. fine…

An interesting problem with the movie is that I’m not sure “why” it exists. Ok. I know why it got made. But I don’t know why it exists. Probably the thing I found most interesting about it is the metatextual self-referentialness of it. There’s several points where it basically comments directly on the cultural context in which it exists. That is to say, that in a lot of ways, it is a movie about female Ghostbusters that tries to make the argument that female Ghostbusters should be allowed to exist despite what the critics of the idea are saying. In other words, it comments directly on the controversy surrounding it existing in the first place…  a controversy that only exists because the movie was being made. These are the points in which I was most invested in the movie. There aren’t enough of them. There are other points when the movie attempts to make a feminist statement about the culture in general… they were “fine” but a little too on the nose. Again, I can’t really complain about any of them.. It’s just that I’ve literally seen every single member of the cast (as well as Feig as a writer) do a much better job of making that statement in far better movies.

Really though, the reason it got made was because the world needs franchises. This is a simple truth that I touched on in my Logan review. Franchises make non-franchise movies possible. But in that respect, this movie was a failure. It holds the problem of many recent Hollywood reboots. They’re pointless. It’s only there to make money off of something that people already love. I’m a huge fan of the 1941 film The Maltese Falcon with Humphrey Bogart. What most people don’t know is that that isn’t the original film. It’s a remake. I don’t have a problem with remakes. It was remade because the original 1931 version, with Ricardo Cortez, kinda sucks. So it was remade as though the original had never existed.

See, I was never the guy who was against this movie because women can’t be Ghostbusters. I was against this movie because I didn’t understand why we needed a new Ghostbusters movie AT ALL. The original Ghostbusters is not that good. It was never that popular. The CARTOON was.. and it has built a loyal fanbase over the years that sort of associate it with the movie. But the movie was just kind of ok. It was notable for being a two franchise film that did alright in an era where franchises weren’t as much of a thing as they are now. When this movie was first pitched, my friend Link once said to me “its great because kids should have their own version of this thing that I loved when I was a kid.” Except that’s silly. Kids have their own things now. Kids in the 21st century don’t need to love Ghostbusters. If they do, great. But they don’t need it. They have Hunger Games and Frozen. Trying to force feed them Ghostbusters makes as much sense as trying to force us kids from the 80s to love Bedknobs and Broomsticks or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. So as producers Hollywood needed to ask itself “why are we making this movie?” Because as far as I can tell, the entire pitch for it was “wouldn’t it be cool if we did Ghostbusters but all the characters were women?” And the answer was no… not really…

This film, however, heavily relies on nostalgia in order to try to make it work. Feig made the decision to make a reboot rather than a sequel. But unlike Maltese Falcon, he wanted to have it both ways. There are constant callbacks to the original film. Murray is a distraction from the film. He does provide one small plot point, but it would have been better served by an unrelated actor. He has way too much screentime for the very small amount of relevance he has to the movie. He serves no other purpose other than to say “Look kids, it’s Bill Murray. You know… from the other Ghostbusters? That movie? From the 80s? Bill Murray kids!!! Because this is Ghostbusters!” Dan Akroyd, Annie Potts, Ernie Hudson and Sigourney Weaver make similar forced cameos that add little to the film other than to remind people of the other movie. Of course the problem is most of the fans of the other movie didn’t want the reboot. Because “… and all the characters are women is not a movie pitch.” It is not a storyline. It’s a single plot detail and that’s not enough to make a truly compelling movie.

And that’s the thing. If this had more been a movie about feminism and women in a “men’s” job I might have been more interested in it. Why not remake Backdraft? Because geeks don’t care enough about Backdraft as a franchise property. Why not make an original movie about four women scientists trying to save the city from… I dunno… mole people or something? Because then you wouldn’t be able to trade on the Ghostbusters name. And that’s sort of the problem. There’s no real story here. It’s not really a culturally relevant story about feminism. It’s not really any story at all. At the end of the day this had to be Ghostbusters first, a franchise second, sprinkle a social message on third, and if we have any room left for plot I guess you can do that… oh we don’t? Well, don’t worry about it… just have them fight a giant hole in the sky. Kids love that, right?

Seriously… here’s picture of a climatic giant hole in the sky. Is it from Ghostbusters? You don’t know, right? No one does!

When I look at a movie that’s a rebooted franchise, I feel like I have to ask myself “would I care about this movie if this were the first one I saw?” This came up during Rogue One (though not technically a reboot). In that case, I did; other than the last 15 minutes which everyone but me loved, I was invested enough in that story. In this case with Ghostbusters, the answer is not really. I cared about them enough to get through the entire movie, but they won’t stick with me afterwards… at least not for anything in the movie. I have to ask myself, if this film had been a completely unrelated product called “Molepeople Killers” with the exact same plot, would I recommend it to people? And … not really. I’d probably say something like “you know, if you’re flipping through channels and it happens to be on, it’s worth a watch… but if you really want to see McCarthy and Wiig shine in a movie about strong female characters you should really go buy Bridesmaids!”

The movie didn’t HAVE to be about feminism, but I wanted it to be. I think Feig even wanted it to be. And it kind of is, but it’s kind of lost in all the franchise nonsense substituting for compelling story and plot. A lot of things are kind of lost in this movie. It didn’t HAVE to feminism, but it SHOULD have been something. See, one of the things that makes a story into a classic is how well it examines it’s cultural moment, even if it does it through allegory. As a scholar I can look at the classic films of an era and see what was going on. The 1940s were all about anxiety over the war. The 50s were about anxiety over the bomb. The 60s were about civil rights. The 70s were about sexual rights. The 80s were about anxiety over the fall out from the previous three decades… you get the idea. Forty years from now, when scholars like me look back at the biggest films of the 2010s, they’re going to say “Holy shit, people in the 21st century were seriously afraid of holes in the sky. It seems like that was a serious issue!!!” And this was not the best movie about fighting a hole in the sky. It wasn’t even the best movie about fighting a hole in the sky in 2016. It wasn’t the worst hole in the sky movie either… it was fine.

★★½☆☆ (2.5 out of 5 stars).

Erin Childs, Joe Darowski, Ethan Schartman, Helena Nichols, Mike Walker liked this post

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Holes in the Sky… and the plot (a very late Ghostbusters review) was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom

[theconfessionsofanoverthinker]

My boyfriend pt 1

Wow, how do I want to start? I want to really get into it so I can have fresh vivid images and feelings and true thoughts and re-encounter how amazing it really was. Oh my gosh I can’t even fully describe what’s going on. I love this kid, I really do have love for him already. I’m going to do my best. Okay do I’ll come back in pt 2 with actual dates and stuff but I’ll jump right into the beginning. I had recently cut off this crazy ass guy that I met on Tinder and I’m like ok fuck it let’s try this again. I was getting so bored I swear tinder was soo ugly I couldn’t even hold conversations with half of those guys. And then I came across Charlie, ugh he was just so adorable. The obvious caught my eye, nice cars, nice eyes, nice hair, nice clothes. And WEED. And he was 21? How could I ask for more? And I had literally fallen for him by the time we matched, I think I waited maybe a day or less before I just shot my shot. I said “sheeeesh” with a few heart eye emojis and he said something like “Look at you”, and I just died. Was it too good to be true already? What was the catch? Fake acc??? Dude I don’t even know, but I was quick to gtfo of Tinder and asked for his snapchat, which went well. He sent me a selfie at one point when talking and all was fine, I really wanted to hang out with him because I suck at replying and I didn’t want to lose this chance and fuck it up by having out convo go dead. I had already told so many people about him too it was so crazy I was really getting my hope up for this guy. I mentioned him to my coworker Christiane, my siblings, Dora! And here I am, dating him??? He’s my man, my boyfriend, he’s mine. But it was a little challenging at first, I wanted to meet up on the weekend but he’s 21 so he was out doing 21 things w his friends of course. He went to ugly ass Darna and the MGM both places I can’t go to smh. Anyways, he’s definitely flirting with me as we’re talking, and I just kept mentioning that we should hang out. I asked him to come over and he actually said yes ?? oh bruh, he pulled up and was v cute. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans, I was wearing a long sleeve t shirt and shorts since we were just cooling it at my house I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I was actually so shook like omg, I went and told my mom that I was having a friend over and then yeah ((((: She was iffy of course, and one of the first things he said was that my room was “comfy” and it’s funny just last night he mentioned that he was relieved that I didn’t smell like basic bitch. Which is basically like VS but I’m on the other boat of basic at Bath and Body works lmaooo, he’ll find out later though. It’s funny because I do want to get into nicer perfumes anyways, so it’s good timing. Continuing, we were drinking Patron as our first drink omg. Only a few shots and they were half shots because he was driving far back home and he had gone to a bar beforehand. It’s crazy because we totally vibed together and I knew we both felt it, like we were feeling each other but at the same time I we could’ve been cool ass friends. And I’m glad that we have a bff feeling relationship, like that’s my mf boyfriend but that my mf mans too. He literally gives me diarrhea of the mouth, and as someone that can never stop talking it’s crazy to think that I could talk anymore than I already do without not being able to breath between words. At the same time my mind gets jumbled up and I lose my train of thought and I don’t know what to say. Some things just jump out and others just take so long to formulate and I second guess it but even when I cross reference stories and get lost Charlie always reminds me what the whole point of the conversation was. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Good luck Charlie, Charlie and Lola? Charlie is literally so gorgeous, even though he might be wearing colored contacts lmfaoo. And it’s funny bc this other hoe ik wears them so I subtweeted and I wonder if he thinks it’s about him. I love him for appreciating my little butt and my little boobs. See how I keep getting distracted, I can’t even tell our story bc he’s so great and all his little details excite me a lot. Ok so we hung out and he didn’t even kiss me or try to do much but he did flirt with me I think? I couldn’t even tell if he was being friendly or not.  The next time we hung out we drank again, and same thing. It was nice we cooled it but nothing big. As soon as he asked for my number though, I KNEW he was fucking w me. And then I think that it was the 3rd time I copped us coke, and it honestly sucks that my memory is so hazy. Especially with someone that I care about so much and such significant moments, I wish I could remember everything. I wish I could relive it and remember. That’s why this blog is so important to me, I need to remember the good because it seems that only bad and traumatic moments stick to me and cling to my mind. I remember being on my couch and just leaned over and he kissed me and I just exploded. I wish I could remember what I was wearing, what show was on the TV, what time and day it was. I’ll investigate but there’s only so much information I can gather. I don’t want him to know that my mind is burnt as much as it is, I don’t want Charlie to think that something’s wrong with me. And looking back at out 1 month of talking and me falling for him, all I do is talk and talk and I probably seem mildly crazy and self centered. This is not my world, and these people aren’t just living in it. I don’t even know much about him, he’s gonna come over today and I’m going to just ask him everything and stfu. I wish I wasn’t so me, me, me all the fucking time. It’s probably so noticeable and ugly. My fucking baby. I am SO happy he is mine like wow I want him to feel appreciated. I want him to feel good, and I want him to be so happy to be with me and say I’m his girlfriend too. UGH I just missed a good writing opportunity just now while Kukuwa went to lunch. I have a new motivation and yeah it’s to look good for myself but it’s also to look good for my boyfriend, I can only wear so much make up and jewelry. My true looks, frizzy hair, fat stomach, and flat ass will always peek out no matter how I dress it up. I need to work on it, I can’t be out with a cute ass guy like him and not look like a bad ass bitch. So far we’ve been to the movies together, and the fair. But those are separate stories, and this will literally go on forever and ever. I wanted to write every detail I could possibly remember, and I can’t wait to add things to our scrapbook, it’s going to be so lit. He’s motivated me to stay more financially stable so that I can sustain us both, so we can have fun and can continuously have a nice time. I want to go everywhere, I want to go on trips and go see the world and have real adventures with my love. Fall is coming up and we’re going to do the whole sha-bang, I want to go to the pumpkin patch, horror fest at Kings Dominion, I want to dress up as something doesn’t have to match or anything. I want to take corny ass photos, and I REALLY want to carve pumpkins. I want to be able to get naked and let you love me, to embrace me and to kiss me everywhere. I want to be able to feel good and confident in front of my boyfriend. I recently got some new products hopefully they can help with the new scars bumps and the old scars, I feel like it’s going to take forever but I hope it’ll go quick. I need to start taking my vitamins and just take care of myself in general. Going back to Charlie instead of going on and on about my pointless and selfish insecurities, as soon as we kissed I felt myself melt into my underwear. I Felt myself wanting more and more, wanting to just grab him and love him everywhere. Literally the night that I discovered the song “Sleepwalk” by Santo and Johnny was right after we just had our first kiss and the riff at the first 7 seconds of the song just climaxes the same slow and tender way that these feelings hug my insides and gently squeezes my heart with small pools and waves of care and affection. I’m sure there’s a better way to organize those thoughts and feelings but I want it to be true and raw. He is just so pretty, Charlie is soo pretty to me I don’t know what to do. We had an unspoken trust where we gave each other everything. Sometimes I want to rip his face off because hes just so mesmerizing to me. It would super duper suck if he has brown eyes he’d look fine of course but the bragging rights that I have a boo w hazel eyes is veryyy high for me. He told me that he’d be having a oc for a whole week and that I’m invited of course, we’ll see how that goes. I’m not going to lie but the fact that I haven’t met his mom makes me nervous and hurt. What if she doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me, and we’re already dating as boyfriend and girlfriend? I really do think that it matters and I almost jokingly met her last night but I didn’t like my outfit enough for a first impression and I honestly do think it matter so much dude. This is the first and last image she’ll see of me until the next time I’d see her and who knows how long that’ll be. Not only that im trying to get hit from the back soooo bad omg I miss back shots so bad but I feel like we can’t catch the same rhythm. It sucks because the one time we did it was the first time we had sex in his little side room in his basement. And DUDE I’m lowkey embarrassed I did this weak ass little roll on his dick. I think our sex is really good, but it could be better. I haven’t cheated on him and I can feel that my pussy is tight and I can tell that he feels it too.   

8/28/2019

[comicteaparty]

July 5th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on July 5th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on Cunning Fire by Kaz Rowe.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

COMIC TEA PARTY START!

Good day everyone~! This week’s Comic Tea Party is now officially beginning~! Today we are discussing Cunning Fire by Kaz Rowe~! (http://cunningfire.com/) For those new or in need of a reminder, discussions about the comic are freeform, so please feel free to bring up whatever you wish. However, every 30 minutes I will be dropping in a discussion question to help those who would like a prompt. These questions are totally OPTIONAL to answer, and you can pay them no mind if you wish. If you miss out on any though, they’ll be pinned for the duration of the chat once they’re posted~! Remember, constructive criticism is allowed, but the primary focus here is to have fun and appreciate the amazing comics that the community makes~! As a bonus, each chat a top comment will be picked and featured in the archives and on an ad for CTP! All that being said, let’s get started and have a great discussion!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

snuffysam

I liked the scene where Akiva and Blair go through the first few levels of the astral plane

It was cool introducing the different environments, and that scene gave us "i need to make a harder challenge"

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i felt so bad for that first level guardian. XD just trying to make some nifty puzzles but nope, everyone just comes and solves them and moves along

i think my fave scene is when they charged the crystal. not only were the visuals really stunning, but im glad there was an element of danger to it. i think that really painted a distinct picture that no, being a witch is kind of dangerous

snuffysam

yeah, i liked the idea that if you mess up with that channeling, you could be hit by lightning

turned out ok in the end, because they needed smaller crystals. but the danger was there

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

So, I liked when Akiva and Darcy first met, and the latter remarked how "literally none of that is your business" but they still kind of got along... and so I shipped them only to see in the author's comment that it could end up being canon.

snuffysam

i can see that. the ship has a lot of potential

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Though the astral plane stuff was neat too. Poor tearful Guardian 1, I guess anyone who makes it to him kind of has a sense of things already.

A lot of things seem dangerous, Akiva's just blindly charging in (though not totally blindly, as they're trying to help her).

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

haha i feel the akiva darcy ship is pretty obvious. would be surprised if it doesnt happen because the two have a really strong connection. or at least akiva is really insistent on being a creepy porch stalker

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Just gotta get past that whole Bahram spoiling it thing.

snuffysam

and a creepy window stalker

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Akiva, into the architecture, heh.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i like how the danger kind of gradually increases for akiva. in that they dont throw her into the most dangerous stuff from the get go. i feel like theyre working their way up so she doesnt panic

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Though you know me and my yuri ships.

snuffysam

yeah it really is kind of like getting experience points and leveling up

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Rebel - Yeah, that's a good point. And they seem to have judged where she's at too, like that remark in the graveyard about how she'd have already been thrown out if there was problems.

"This isn't like a video game!"

snuffysam

it is totally like a video game though, lol.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

another scene that i really enjoyed was when akiva and blair talked on the balcony. mostly because i felt like that scene had some really great atmosphere.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Yeah, I hope that builds up to something more, and learning about Darcy's past.

Related, I find the cast page really interesting... their witch cards, with certain "spoiler" information blacked out.

snuffysam

the balcony scene reminded me - one thing i really like is how the characters' clothes change

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I hadn't even really remarked on that. Good one.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i was actually really sad there was so much good info on that cast page cause i wanted to include some of that stuff in the questions but decided against it since it wasnt in the story itself. XD

i really enjoy how the characters have their own individual styles for clothing

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Heh. The evil date, "121613".

Actually... this takes place in 2016. And Darcy's pact was 3 years ago. Coincidence? O.o

Some people (witches?) must have up and died in mid-December that year...

snuffysam

rio's had a pact for 3 years too, according to her card

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

well the cast page does say eden is one of 4 survivors. and cant have survivors unless ppl dun died

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe they were just sent to astral jail or something.

Like the hellhounds.

snuffysam

though i would point out that eden wasn't registered until after december 16th 2013

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

OH. Nice catch. That is interesting. Maybe the incident is what drove him to witchcraft.

I like how Akiva was born on Halloween.

Also that Blair's overdue for renewal.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

that or it could mean the council didnt know about eden and he was doing underground witch stuff. and then the incident is what made them aware of those ppl

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

The incident was SORT of in the story too... that side story with the online message boards.

Rebel: Good point.

Gotta have the licence to practice magic.

I also liked the side comic following up on the "favour" that was owed, using the library. Including the use of gloves to handle old documents, well portrayed.

There's a whole big backstory here we're only just starting to see.

snuffysam

yeah it really feels like there's a lot to this world we haven't seen yet

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

QUESTION 2. The comic has plenty of mysteries surrounding our protagonist Akiva. First off, why do you think Azrael spared Akiva’s life as a baby? Or, in other words, what exactly did Akiva do that upset the balance that was mentioned a few times? We also learn that one of Akiva’s brothers died under unknown circumstances. What do you think happened to the brother? Was it an accident, self-inflicted, or somehow supernatural? Do you believe the brother’s death has something to do with Akiva’s strained relationship with her family? Lastly, though we know Akiva is a Death Witch, we have yet to see the full extent of her powers. As a Death Witch, what do you think Akiva will be able to do? Do you think she’ll adjust to her powers, or will they scare her and cause emotional trauma?

snuffysam

azrael was just in that halloween spirit

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Her brother had to die because she lived. Will she want to bring him back? Not sure about that.

Maybe he lives on inside her. As a female. Who can resuscitate on the third astral plane.

snuffysam

maybe there can only be a certain number of death witches in the world, and akiva's birth somehow caused one to die?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Because the big twist is, they're not actually related... Akiva's father is actually Bahram, or something. (edited)

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

maybe. as for upsetting the balance i assume that akiva did something she wasnt supposed to do. and for a baby that could mean maybe she wasnt even supposed to live long enough to be born? albeit there is that one scene with azrael where he wishes the old lady good luck in the next life. so assuming reincarnation is a thing, maybe akiva's balance upsetting has more to do with who she was before than who she is now.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Hm, not sure I buy that there's a quota.

Or who she will become?

snuffysam

azrael said that she DID upset the balance, not that she WILL, so i don't think it's that

the next life could refer to just the afterlife. but it could be reincarnation?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

That's fair. I wonder if it's like the balance between our world and the astral one then... was she only "born" in one place...?

snuffysam

are you saying everyone is supposed to have an earthly form and an astral form, and that azrael had to spare her because she didn't have an astral form?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I'm not sure what I'm saying, but let's go with that.

Maybe that Alex girl has the answers. (Am I getting the name right? The prior Death Witch.)

snuffysam

i think it was alexa?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yes alex is correct. alexis if you want to go non nickname

snuffysam

ah yes

yeah i think she knows what's going on with azrael more than anyone else

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I'll take any chance at a name I can get. ^^;

Except if she has the potion, why hasn't she spoken to him already? Is it that she needs a noble excuse?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

she could still know something. albeit shes still far from getting the potion. shes only on the 5th floor and there are 13 floors

so thats many to go

im really curious about whether each time they go to a new floor if their progress saves or if theyre bumped back to the beginning

cause if its the latter that makes sense for why getting to azrael is hard

since akiva passed out on what, floor 3?

snuffysam

i think you always have to start at floor 1. the reason you can ever make it further is because you train up to not lose so much energy.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

They must go back through, because that person said that Darcy had gone through level 2 quickly. Owing to her experience.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

ah thats true!

i forgot about the mention of darcy

welp

good luck to akiva

in regards to akiva's bro, maybe she hugged him and sucked the life out of him

just like how she murdered that flower for a moment

snuffysam

oh dang that would certainly cause some strained relations

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Actually, I'm pretty sure that the Darcy scene we saw near the start (with the crystals) took place in the midst of Part 4, like it was sort of a "flash forward" and then we went back to follow Akiva's path.

snuffysam

maybe? i figured it was just one of the many tries.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Hmm, Seth seemed to know it was coming though? Because he left that note. But I suppose it could explain about her regaining that ability (or rather just lost the power to turn it off).

I suppose it could be too. I've no proof.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

maybe bahram killed him O_O cause lets just blame bahram for everything

this sounds like a great plan

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

yis.

snuffysam

there are plenty of other evil entities out there!

probably

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i assume the strained relationship is actually just cause she predicted it. cause ppl tend to like to blame others when somebody dies.

maybe this is one of her powers as a death witch

she can see ppl's dates of death

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Oh, that could be too. Or maybe she could have predicted it, but said nothing, because of suppressing it?

Though I guess that wouldn't make sense with her family.

Unless she told them about her ability when she was young maybe.

snuffysam

have we seen her predict deaths a long time in advance? we know she sees azrael show up and follow people around a few minutes before they die...

we know she told them about seeing ghosts when she was young, and they didn't believe her

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Ahhhh. (Except Seth, maybe? I don't recall.)

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i dont think she specified it was a few minutes before? i think she just said soon and soon can mean a few minutes or it could mean a few hours (or a few days if you want to stretch it). and since azrael is technically just projecting himself its not like hes going to be worried about appointment keeping. cause theoretically he can just project himself however many times he needs.

wait

now i wonder how azrael knows when to get ppl

cause he didnt get that one girl who inadvertantly got akiva arrested

and if shes seen other ghosts

snuffysam

i feel like ghosts come back from the astral plane under certain circumstances? don't know what those would be though

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

well that one chick with akiva was most likely murdered so i could see how that leaves unfinished business.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe there's only certain people who are special enough.

Back to the original question, I don't think the Death Witch thing will cause any more emotional trauma than Akiva already has. ^.^

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i think it could but i think itd depend on the what. i think itll take something super major. like somebody dying.

QUESTION 3. Not long after Akiva joins Keter, she finds out that Keter had a Death Witch who vanished. Why do you think the last Death Witch, Alexis, left Keter? Was it based on selfish motivations, or could it have been something that Keter did? Does it have something to do with whatever happened between Alexis and Riley (and what do you think happened between them in the first place)? If Alexis left Keter, why is she still trying to reach Azrael with such determination? Lastly, do you believe Alexis and Akiva will meet, and if so, how might that affect Akiva’s perception of Keter?

snuffysam

i think the others were just pushing alexis too hard

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I suspect they'll meet on the Astral. Could be rocky.

snuffysam

yeah i imagine they'll run into each other on the astral plane somewhere

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe they were doing more than pushing too hard, maybe they were pushing her in a couple directions at once. Which was why she couldn't handle the relationship side of things too.

snuffysam

possibly

is it possible that alexis is trying to make the elixir for some personal reason?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

She might have left in a rush, she left her stuff. (Though I guess if she had to steal the elixer on the way out, that makes sense.)

I think that's almost a definite, yeah.

snuffysam

like, someone she knows who died or is dying?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i could go a few ways. on the one hand i could see it that she was pushed too hard. cause i feel like theyre already doing that with akiva. cause even if akiva is a natural, akiva is also still a beginner. and they already have her jumping into the astral and that seems a bit soonish to me. so in a sense i do feel like keter probably drove her to it

but on the otherhand, maybe theres something alexis knows that we dont

like some secret she discovered

snuffysam

maybe there's something shady going on with rio?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I feel like already died, otherwise she'd have been putting pressure on herself too, but there could be something to that.

Alexis knows who puts cream in their coffee.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

something shady with rio, or perhaps it has something to do with azrael. cause azrael did use to be human (iirc). that could have something to do with it.

and i assume theyre all there to revive different ppl tbh

so either that elixir has multiple uses

or after they get it theyre going to fight it out about who gets to use it

snuffysam

some people want to sell the elixir for money, probably

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

maybe. i dont feel any of the charas would. riley and quinn seem involved for research. but i think blair, eden, and darcy are pretty heavily implied to want the elixir for the life giving part of it.

idk about rio

rio might just want moneys

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

OH. Hmmm, will Akiva become the new Azrael? Is that her destiny? Because I'd forgotten about the human thing.

Maybe Alexis wants the Elixer just to spite the others.

snuffysam

maybe all the guardians were once humans, and death witches are created in case they need more?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe Death Witches are all potential successors, it's a question of whether they pass certain tests.

snuffysam

yeah, that's what i'm thinking

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

maybe natural death witches at least

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Yes, no artificial Death Witch sweeteners. Sorry, Darcy.

snuffysam

only death witches who make it to azrael are allowed to become the next azrael, for example

do we know of anyone who has truly pulled off being an artificial death witch?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

no tho its implied they exist. i just assume natural ones are way stronger and have a huge advantage

and are more likely to actually make it to azrael

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Was that guy in the other coven, the one who used his powers for healing, a natural one?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i dont recall if they mentioned

nope

hes a natural

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Me neither. I guess they can't change covens once they decide?

Oh, good find.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i actually clicked on the first page right from the get go

i lucked the heck out on that one

and idk i feel like they could change covens

just usually dont

snuffysam

you can quit covens, nothing stopping you from joining another one

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Why not just offer him better benefits then, to join them? Like dental? (Eden seems to have a good dental plan...)

snuffysam

its just kind of a jerk move unless you had serious personal problems with your previous coven

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i dont think avery would be a good choice cause even he says he sticks mostly to healing.

so ive had a thought. what if alexis doesnt come back to keter because she felt so pressured to succeed that she stayed in astral too long and lost her connection to her physical body

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Fair enough.

Oh, huh... do you think they're trying to get the Elixcer to help Eden out? Because he seems to have the vampiric tendencies, with the teeth and not going outside.

Maybe that's why Alexis cut and run.

snuffysam

maybe? but if she lost the connection to her physical body, how did she steal their progress?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

well i mean she stole their progress, ran away, hid, but can no longer come back to them even if she wanted

so lost the connection after she ran away i mean

snuffysam

ah, ok

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

thats why she hasnt really talked to them or so i feel is implied

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Ah, I see... that's possible. You'd think someone would have found a body though?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

not if she hid super good O_O

but that was just my pulled out of the hat theory

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe she needs the Elixer to get back inside her body.

snuffysam

that would suck if the elixir only has one use then, lol. lose your body trying to make the elixir, and now you need the elixir to get back.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe it simply raises all the dead.

It's like "Death Note" in reverse.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

im not sure azrael would consider that for the greater good

but on the point of the greater good i wonder how theyre going to frame it to convince azrael of that

snuffysam

depends who they're planning on using it on

darcy said that it's definitely not going to work if you're just in it for the money or the challenge, and i agree with her there

but if it's to cure a vampire who could potentially save dozens of lives with his potions? that might work

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Everyone's life insurance premiums will go down?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i wonder what darcy wants then that she considers her goal more worthy

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

I dunno, but she is DRIVEN. To experience pain whenever someone touches you? That's a sacrifice.

Also rains a bit on the ship, sadly.

Will need to cover her in saran wrap. Not sure if into that.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

QUESTION 4. Besides Akiva, there are plenty of other characters with mysteries upon mysteries. Between Keter and Darcy, what do you believe everyone’s motivation is to create the Elixir of Life? Why do you believe Darcy would go so far as to contract with Bahram, who seems to be bad? Further, what is Azrael’s relationship with Bahram? As for Keter, what do you think is going on with Eden since he has to visit the doctor frequently? As Blair was avoidant of the question, why do you think she became a Hedge Witch? So the question doesn’t become too long, are there any other theories regarding the characters or their pasts, whether those mentioned or some of the others like Rio and Quinn?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Nice little segue I gave there.

Again, I figure Eden's somehow vampiric. Could be from another pact, like Darcy's? Can't go outside versus can't be touched?

snuffysam

pacts seem to cause downsides like that. i wonder what rio's condition is, since she apparently made a pact?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

idk. wish we had more info about pacts.

cause with darcy i assumed it was just a bahram thing

and i mean bahram looks evil

probably smells evil

but then in the astral blair gets kind of snippy cause that other witch also had a pact

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Rio used to be taller, perhaps.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

so if theres a huge stigma whats even the benefit

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Someone to chill with on Sunday evenings?

snuffysam

yeah, what sort of power do demons or whatever actually give you? and can you break off a pact if it isn't working out?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe if you give them someone else to pact with?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

like for that matter what do the spirit demon things get. cause bahram at least must be after something

is this a selling of the soul sort of thing O_O

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

He gets someone to nag, I suppose.

snuffysam

he gets to cause someone pain

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Just want to say, I like Quinn. Maybe in part because she reminds me a lot of a character in one of my stories, but also the whole idea of being a Sea Witch who doesn't like water feels like an interesting take.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

im more interested by the fact her cast card says she used to be a former council apprentice

cause i want to know what happened there

did she leave

did they kick her out

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Oh, that's interesting. Maybe was rejected due to the not liking water thing?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah that could be. also could be she left on her own. maybe after the incident

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Or spread too much gossip?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i also just want to point out that avery mentions that he and his boyfriend also have been doing witchcraft for 3 years

so there seems to be a theme of everyone getting into witchcraft around the time of this mysterious incident

snuffysam

a lot of 3 years stuff, yeah. a lot of new witches came about in december 2013.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

so either a lot of ppl died or maybe a lot of people became aware they could be witches.

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Maybe that's when the first Elixcer got out. So they need this second one to fix the damage that one caused.

Also, I cannot for the life of me spell elixer. I think I've gone through 5 variations this chat.

snuffysam

it's elixir

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Well done.

snuffysam

maybe there was a big witch fight in a public place? somewhere where a lot of people would have found out about witches, and that's why their numbers grew?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

But then why wouldn't Akiva have heard about it? (Wait, when did Seth pass on again?)

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

im not sure the story mentioned a when on that

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Could be there's a connection then.

Maybe THAT'S why Akiva's senses got turned back on. Seth dying was just a coincidence.

Or it's totally related, because he was dating Alexis in secret.

snuffysam

yeah it's hard to think of an event that enough people would have heard of where there would be an influx of new witches, but not enough where akiva or her family & friends would have heard of it

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

may need more data on the event in question.

so if we assume eden is a vampire, do you think the other survivors have been left in the same state?

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Doesn't seem to be a vampire who needs blood, at least? Maybe he was one of the lucky ones.

Or the others are werewolves instead.

One thing I want to squeeze in here - I find it neat that some of the word balloons have these little loops in them at times. (On the part that goes from mouth to words.) I thought that was a nice little touch, not something I've really seen.

snuffysam

yeah i really like how the shape of the word balloons' tails is influenced by the character and the emotions of the scene

MathTans the Pun 👑Prince👑

Nice art details.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

COMIC TEA PARTY END!

Unfortunately, the scheduled Comic Tea Party time is now up~! Thank you everyone so much for reading and joining this week’s chat~! We want to give a special thank you to Kaz Rowe, as well, for making Cunning Fire and volunteering it for our reading queue. If you liked the comic, please be sure to support Kaz Rowe’s efforts however you’re able to. All that being said, if you would like to continue discussing this week’s comic, we highly encourage you to do so~!

For next week, Comic Tea Party will focus on The Guide to a Healthy Relationship by Dani. Please note the comic is fairly mature, including both mature subject matter and mild nudity. As always, please use the next several days to read as much of the comic as you would like. We hope to see you next Thursday on July 12th from 5PM to 7PM PDT for the chat~! Until then, happy reading~! Comic: https://tapas.io/series/TGtaHR

[eclecticcorpsecollector-blog]

The Madness

OK, so, Madness is a tad heavy handed. Although, anyone who has been on “this side of the table”, so to speak, will admit that reigning in bad habits just plain sucks; especially when it comes to eating. After all, we’re designed to ingest calories for fuel and whatever we don’t burn our bodies store (oversimplification, yes, but the science of this is beyond the scope of this writing). This is a good thing, your body is planning ahead for those times when you might not have access to food. However, for most American’s at least, we rarely go more than 6 hours without eating something unless we’re sleeping. In fact, most of us have so much extra stored energy we have to engage in activities specifically designed to burn off all of that excess storage. Think about that for a minute. When you think about systems and resources you start to realize how wasteful all that activity is. But it gets worse; way worse.

I don’t need to tell you how prevalent type 2 diabetes is today or heart disease or hypertension  or accelerated atherosclerosis (clogging of the arteries) etc.... The list of obesity related diseases is staggering and pretty scary. For me personally this hit close to home. Over the last 6 years or so (really 30+ years in the making) I haven’t been what one would consider a “model” patient. I had a yearly physical exam and every year I got the same feedback; “everything looks ok except your triglycerides are high, you have pre-hypertension, your good cholesterol is low and your bad cholesterol is high. You need to lose weight, see a nutritionist and start eating better.” My response was almost always the same; “Yeah, I know, I can get more exercise and maybe stop eating late at night, yadda, yadda.” I never really took it seriously. After all, I had plenty of time to reverse the damage, I thought. Until one day while getting the results of some blood work from my doctor she said, “Your blood work is now consistent with someone who has Type 2 Diabetes...”. My mind could really only muster one word that I repeated over and over; “F@&*”. At this point I was already on medication for hypertension, a daily Potassium pill to replace the depleted Potassium caused by the hypertension pill and a daily OTC Omeprazole for heartburn, without which my esophagus would be shredded. That’s no exaggeration either; at one time for me heartburn was a daily occurrence to the point of almost vomiting. 

“Alright already, get to the part where it all turns around because you did this and that...”

Yeah, yeah...I’m getting there, relax. First a disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, I’m not a dietitian, I’m not a nutritionist, I’m not a personal trainer I’m not even a practicing catholic anymore. The advice you get here is how I went about getting healthier, dropping almost 45 lbs, bringing my blood sugar and cholesterol to within healthy levels and getting off the aforementioned medications. Use this as a guide, use your common sense and speak to your doctor before doing anything you might consider drastic or contrary to your doctor’s advice. One thing that I cannot stress enough, and if you take nothing from this writing but this I’ll be happy; you cannot outsource willpower. You just cannot. Jenny Craig, diet pills, atkins, “insert new diet fad here”, may all work for a time; some might not work at all. At the end of the day you need to be invested in your health and well being. All those miracle diet plans are just businesses designed to first and foremost make money. You’ll find that getting yourself healthy with your own research is far cheaper and you won’t need to consult a guide to see if you can eat Cashews or drink OJ; you’ll just know.

“Hey, can you write down your diet for me?“

This is by far the number one request I get from people whom I haven’t seen in some time. I get the ask; I have dropped a noticeable amount of weight and even for those people looking to lose 15-20 lbs it’s a fair ask. Unfortunately, I can’t do it. To be honest, I wouldn’t be doing them any favors anyway (give a man a fish, feed him for a day... there is, however, a cheat-sheet at the end). What I did to get back where I belonged isn’t “a diet” it’s a carefully calculated, researched...food...plan...ok, ok it’s a diet. But it’s not “the grapefruit diet” or the “apple cider vinegar” diet. It’s a conscious effort to educate myself on how to make healthy choices while at the same time diminishing the possibility of relapse. It’s literally something everyone and anyone can do. All you really need is will power, time and one of the most powerful tools known to man; Google. Well, all that and the ability to think analytically and use common sense. There’s a wealth of information out there but there’s just as much misinformation. If you Google, “are peanuts nutritious” and decide to click on Planters.com for the answer, they might be a tad biased so to take the info with a grain of salt and cross check the information you find there with another website who couldn’t care less if you buy peanuts or not. By the way, peanuts are a healthy snack unless you eat half a tin. Just take a small handful if you’re hungry. If you have hands like a lumberjack a small handful is less than 12 nuts. Which brings me to one very important staple of eating responsibly; portion control.

I know, it’s like I just reminded you there would be homework for the weekend due on Monday. In all seriousness this was probably the most difficult part of changing my eating habits.Historically for me when it came time to eat it was normally just fill the plate so I don’t have to get up to get more and the only limit on the height of the food was, “will this spill on my way to the living room?”. We learn how to hollow out piles of mashed potato’s for a “gravy reservoir” or place the crab rangoons on top of the general gao’s so it sticks in place. It got to the point where I had one plate for my steak and another plate for all the sides. That’s not portion control. What’s worse is that I couldn’t eat fast enough. The perfect recipe for overeating; tons of food with a race to the finish. In any event, it was high time I found that “sweet spot”. 

The reason this is so difficult is because it takes practice. You need to find that point where you’re satisfied but not stuffed. It’s not a feeling many of us are accustomed to. We’re used to being to the point where, “yeah, I can eat one more piece of pizza but man, that’s it. Then I’m tapping out” as though it’s a right of passage to eat more than three people combined in one sitting. A little tip; if you’re having an internal conversation about whether or not you can fit more food you’ve already eaten too much. If after a meal you need to take a break before you walk to the bathroom, you’ve eaten too much. You should be able to say, “if pressed I could eat more but I don’t need to.” That’s your sweet spot. Don’t worry, you’re not going to die if you’re hungry again in 2 hours. You have access to food! Just have a piece of fruit or a handful of walnuts or almonds. As I stated earlier finding this sweet spot isn’t easy. It took me the better part of two weeks and I still from time to time eat too much but I’m able to recognize when I do and it happens now with less food than it ever did before. Also, when I do overeat it’s with more nutritious food. I’d much rather be stuffed on zucchini than pork fried rice.

“You said something about google...?“

Ah, yes, right. If you recall my, “oh s&*%” moment from earlier when my doctor informed me Wilfred Brimley and I had the same blood type, diabetic, it occurred to me shortly thereafter I really didn’t understand what type 2 diabetes was. So, like every other person with access to a computer and an internet connection, I Googled it. The in’s and out’s of Diabetes are also beyond the scope of this writing so I’ll leave that research to you. What I did stumble upon, however, was information related to why people with type 2 diabetes need to control their blood sugar and, just as important, how to do it. The top 3 methods to control one’s blood sugar...Exercise, Diet and Weight loss. Pretty simple equation, considering Exercise + Diet = Weight loss. Now this is a good time to remind you of the theme once again: You cannot outsource will power. I obviously can’t exercise for you, neither can anyone else. That is something you must do yourself. I can tell you what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat but that will only last for so long. What you really need to do is learn how to educate yourself about what you should be eating and just as important what you should not be eating. I think it’s pretty obvious that, if you’ve come this far, you shouldn’t be eating Doritos, Pastries, cookies, hot dogs, deli meats, etc.... These are all pretty obvious. However, there are a whole host of other foods that type 2 diabetics should avoid or at least limit that might surprise you. Take a look here.

Now, all of this research on how to eat like a type 2 diabetic turned up some interesting recipes. However, if you recall, I also had bad cholesterol. So now I had to sort of “double down”, if you will, and cross reference all of these recipes for type 2 diabetics with foods that someone with bad cholesterol levels should not be eating. What a bitch that was. After all, I wasn’t about to eat myself out of type two diabetes and into a stroke; what’s the point of that? So, when I had down time I did what I had to do; I googled “recipes for type 2 diabetes”, found some recipes that sounded interesting, read the ingredients and googled any ingredients that I thought might be bad for my cholesterol. After a while a pattern began to emerge.

In order to control my blood sugar and prevent spikes I needed to eat foods low on the glycemic index. In order to lower my LDL and raise my HDL I needed to lower my saturated fat and boost Omega-3′s. Do you see where this is going? You guessed it. PLANT BASED DIET. Ok, ok settle down for a minute. Before you google, “how to make beef wellington”, take a breath and read a bit further. I am not saying you cannot eat meat, I am not saying you have to be vegan, I’m not even saying you have to be a vegetarian. I am neither vegan nor vegetarian but I pilfer their recipes almost daily. Vegetables can taste good. Vegan’s and vegetarians have figured out some damn good recipes. Take advantage of that. I personally stay away from “vegan meatballs” or “vegetarian sloppy joes”. Those types of recipes for me just trigger an expectation of what it should taste like and of course it never does. Don’t set yourself up to be disappointed. Your best bet is to try and make something you’ve never had before with ingredients you like already. Have you ever had a healthy vegetable stir-fry? It’s a thing and it’s really good. The internet is crawling with recipes that are nutritious and filling. All you have to do is look.

CHEAT-SHEET

as promised, here is my list of foods that I stopped eating and my list of foods that I began eating either altogether or more regularly. Be warned, this is not my list on day-1. This evolved over 2 months. For example, I didn’t stop eating red meat on the first day. It took a few weeks before I was able to let go.

Stopped eating/drinking:

Processed foods, processed/refined flour, white rice, Potato Chips of all kinds, Soda, starchy vegetables, candy, fruit juices, pasta, red meat, Beer, pizza, deli meats

All Dairy (eggs, Milk, cheese, yogurt, cream...all of it. think about all of the foods that are either dairy directly or contain dairy. any recipe that calls for milk I replace with almond Milk. I’m almost certain this was the root of my excessive heartburn because for three months, no dairy = no heartburn), white bread

Started eating and drinking/ ate more frequently:

Water (this was key. I wasn’t drinking nearly enough water), fresh vegetables, fresh fruits, frozen berries for smoothies,  Solid white Tuna in water, Salmon, white meat skinless chicken, Chia seeds, Green Tea (loose leaf), Matcha (added to smoothies. super good for you, doesn’t taste that great), Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Balsamic Vinegar, Almond milk, Almonds, walnuts, 100% whole wheat bread, Natural Peanut butter