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crazyunsexycool · 1 year ago

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The love we gave away

Chapter 4

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x reader

Word count: 3.4K

Warnings: fluff, some alcohol drinking, not much else

A/N: i was going to make this one chapter but it was going to be too long so it’s going to be divided into two! This is a bit dialogue heavy so I’m sorry for that but also I’m not!

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“If you called me one more time about the dress I won’t show up at all.” You look straight at the phone with an exasperated expression.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“I really would.” You say before going back to making some last minute adjustments on the gown before you.

“I thought we were friends.”

“What gave you that impression?”

“I don’t know, maybe everything we went through in high school.”

You smile. On the phone was one of the very few people that you kept in your life after having the twins.

“Fine, I’ll give you that one Fai.”

Faith Carter was the girl you had bunked with in high school. She had been reserved and timid. She kept her head down and her grades up. Still she had been bullied beyond belief because she was a bit overweight back then, something she grew out of. That didn’t matter to you because she was a life saver. Faith had become the first friend you truly ever made. She showed you kindness you hadn’t found before and when you got pregnant she helped however she could. When you went to Italy she showed up unexpectedly to celebrate your birthday. Faith was the type of friend everyone should have but most didn’t deserve and you cherished her.

“So you’ll be there two days before, right? I have some fun things planned.”

“I will, dress included. I would like some time the day before to do a final fitting.”

“Of course. I have brunch set up just for us on Friday. We can do the fitting then and it will still give you Saturday to make any adjustments before the wedding on Sunday.”

“That sounds perfect.” You say before tying the end of the thread and cutting it off. “Who else did you invite from high school?”

“Oh I invited everyone. I want all of them to see me now, in my one of a kind wedding gown and hot husband looking better than any of them ever will.” You both giggle at that.

“You better fucking strut down that aisle. They don’t even deserve to breathe the same air you do.”

“I know but being the kind and generous person I am, I’ll allow it.”

“Dork.” You giggle and shake your head as you move to grab your phone and set it on your desk. “I know you’ll love the dress. It’s one of my favorites.”

“Can’t you show me now?”

“Nope, we agreed after the last fitting that you didn’t want to see it until right before the wedding.”

“It is right before the wedding.” She huffs.

“Faith, please let me just surprise you. You know I would never do anything to make you look bad.”

“Fine.” She huffs in annoyance but you just smile.

There’s a knock on your door before you are able to change the subject. When the door opens Theodore pops his head in and gives you a small wave. Your face immediately lights up and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Faith.

“Hey, give me a few minutes and I’ll be right out.”

“Who was that?”

“I will tell you in person. Gotta go Fai, I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“Ok, bye.” She says as you hung up the phone and walked out toward the waiting room.

“Hey guys.”

“Hey.” Abigail and Theodore say in unison.

“Come on in. I need to finish a few things up here.”

You hold the door open for them. Theodore walks in first and settles on a small loveseat you have against a wall. Abigail gasps as she sees the wedding dress you’re working on.

“I didn’t know you made wedding dresses.”

“I don’t. But my best friend from high school is getting married so I offered to make her dress. What do you think?”

“It’s gorgeous. I mean it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Abigail gushes.

“Well thank you.”

“When’s the wedding?”

“This Sunday but I’m heading out a few days early. The bride has a few things planned.”

“Will you take pictures of her with it on? I’d love to see them.”

“Of course, but how about you guys? What are you doing?”

“We’re going back home for a few days. Before classes start.” Theodore says.

“That’s good. You’ll be able to see your friends and family. I bet you miss them.”

“Yeah, grandma makes the best pies. And there’s this fair that happens every year right before school starts, we never miss it. So we’ll get to go as a group.” Theodore explains excitedly. Ever since he expressed his fear of forgetting his father he had been way more open to getting to know both you and Ransom. “I’m also going to pick up my camera equipment.”

“Well make sure to take lots of pictures because I want to see what you guys were up to.”

Theodore nods as he watches you put away any possible supply you’ll need for the last fitting. Then you box up the dress with their help and let Wanda know everything is ready for the trip.

“Alright, ready to go?”

“Yes, I can’t wait to finally go to the Met.”

“You should see it during one of the galas. It’s amazing.”

“You’ve been to the Met gala?”

“Yeah. It was about two years ago though.” You tell them as you head to the elevator. “Now I just prefer to dress people that go.”

“You have to tell us everything.”

“Ok. I will. I have amazing embarrassing stories.”

“Her head is going to explode.” Theodore jokes as you both look over at an overly excited Abigail.

“You should have warned me.”

“What’s the fun in that?” He smiles and you roll your eyes playfully.

“Is your mom joining us for dinner?”

“Yup. She’s coming from work. Is that ok?”

“Of course.” You nod before getting into your car, your driver shutting the door behind you. “I can send the car for her since we won’t be too far from the restaurant.”

“Thanks. I think she’s had the hardest time adjusting to the move.”

“Anything I can do to help I will. For all three of you.” You smile at your son and pat his knee.

“Thanks.” Abigail takes your hand and squeezes. “Really, we appreciate it.”

You give a small nod and swallow the lump in your throat.

“Now, these embarrassing stories. What was the worst thing that happened?”

You take a deep breath and start talking about all of the things that happened at the gala.

The last thing you expected when your plane touched down was that Faith would be waiting for you. Yet there she was leaning against the SUV meant to take you to the hotel that would be hosting the wedding.

“I hope you’re here because of me and not the dress.” You call out as you walk out of your private jet.

“Sure let’s go with that.”

You chuckle but shake your head as you get closer. Faith throws her arms around you and pulls you in for a hug.

“You’re getting married this weekend.” You say once you pull away.

She shakes you uncontrollably while screeching in delight.

“I’m getting married this weekend! Can you believe it?”

“Yes, yes I can. Now can we go. I’m so fucking tired from this long ass trip. Did you really have to have a wedding on the other side of the world? There are plenty of islands closer to home.”

“Of course I did. I’m nothing if not extra.” Faith replies as you both get into the SUV. “The hotel will take care of bringing the luggage and dress.”

“Dresses.”

“Dresses?”

“Yes. Mine of course but I made you something extra.”

“You didn’t.” Faith mouth falls open as she stares at you.

“I did. You said it yourself, you’re extra.”

“This is why you’re my best friend. I’m just sad you didn’t want to be a bridesmaid.”

“Fai I could have made your dream wedding dress or been a bridesmaid but not both.”

“Fine, you’re right. Still I appreciate everything you’ve done.” She throws her arm over you and pulls in for a side hug.

“It’s mutual. Now get me to this hotel.”

You both talk about what’s going on this weekend. Faith is buzzing in her seat as she explains that she actually just has the wedding party and a friend or two for the pre-wedding events. Just so that she and her fiancé could relax. By the time you get to the gorgeous hotel you already feel more prepared for the weekend and are actually looking forward to it.

There are bellhops and valet parking employees running around outside. Your door is opened for you. You step out and stretch before Faith walks around the car and loops her arm with yours. She leads you into the lobby and straight to the receptionist's desk. You look around while she gives the employee behind the desk all the information. Anyone that was important to the couple were on the same two floors but the hotel was practically booked with the rest of the guests that would be attending the wedding on Sunday.

“Here is your key to the suite. Your things will be brought up shortly. Here is the key to the room you requested for the gowns. Only the hotel managers and yourself have access to the room in order to prevent anything from happening.”

“Thank you so much.” Faith says as she grabs everything and turns to you. “Here you go. You should freshen up because we rented a yacht and we will be spending the day and most of the evening there. Make sure you wear a bathing suit.”

“Fine. I’m going.”

“I’ll wait for you at the docks. We leave in 15.” She pushes you toward the elevators and you give her a thumbs up.

Just like Faith said she was at the docks waiting by the yacht. She was already sunkissed from being at the hotel a few days before you. Still it didn’t stop her from soaking up the sun some more. She wore a swimsuit cover up but it was sheer enough to see the white two piece bathing suit she was wearing. It was paired with oversized sunglasses and sandals.

You on the other hand decided on linen shorts and an oversized white button up. It was lightweight and kept you cool. You kept a few buttons popped open to reveal your olive green one piece suit. To complete the look you wore a braided wide-brim sun hat, sunglasses and sandals. Everything for the next few days had been carefully selected by you and Wanda so that you could look your best. It was meant as a big ‘fuck you’ to the people that made you miserable at school.

“I may have a surprise waiting for you on the main deck.” Faith says as you walk through hallways and up stairs.

“What kind of a surprise?”

“A good kind.”

“Fai, you’re not trying to set me up with anyone right? I really don’t have the energy for that right now.” You say just as you join the rest of the guests.

“Well it was about time you joined us.”

You turn to see Faith’s parents sipping on some cocktails.

“Mr. and Mrs. Carter It’s so great to see you again.” You say as you hug both of them. Like Faith they had been so kind to you.

“It’s great to see you too. You look beautiful.”

“Thank you Mrs. Carter.”

“Please, you’re family, call me Millie and call him Derek. We’ve been in each other’s lives long enough.”

You nod and smile before turning just in time to see Faith’s younger sister barringly towards you.

“Hope.” You laugh as you both hug.

“Finally, it’s been so long.”

“I know but I heard you’ll be moving back to New York soon so we’ll definitely be hanging out more.”

“Absolutely. I can’t wait. There is so much I want us to do.”

You laugh as you agree to whatever she is saying because she is talking way too fast for you to understand. She was like the little sister you always wanted.

“Thank God you’re here. These two were driving me crazy. I thought Faith was marrying you instead of me.”

“Don’t get too comfortable that option is still on the table.”

“Scott.” You smile up at Faith’s fiancé. “It’s good to see you.”

“Good to have you here. How was the trip?”

“It was long but good.”

“Good.” He nods.

“Come on, I want you to meet some of Scott’s friends. There are some real hotties here.” Faith grabs your hand and pulls you to where the rest of the bridal party is gathered.

Immediately your eyes fall on the last person you thought you’d see at Faith’s wedding.

“Thimble.”

“Ran, what are you doing here?” You look up at him wide eyed.

Ransom looked good in his navy blue swim shorts and white button up. He left most of the buttons undone and you could see the smooth plains of his chest. His hair fell over his forehead and covered his sunglasses.

“I’m friends with Scott, we met in college. You’re obviously here for Fai. I was pleasantly surprised when Scott told me about his girlfriend.”

“Wait I’m sorry am I missing something?” Faith says with a pout as she looks between you and Ransom.

“Am I missing something?” Scott says from behind Faith.

“Ransom and I dated in high school.” It felt weird reducing your relationship to him like that. As if you didn’t have two kids running around that shared both of your DNA. It was just easier to not talk about it than to get into such a long explanation.

“This is very disappointing and anticlimactic. I wanted you to see each other across the deck and realized how much you missed each other.”

“I’m sorry Fai. Let’s try that again.” Ransom takes his sunglasses off and rolls his eyes but turns to you. “Y/N?” He puts both hands on his cheeks and makes an exaggerated surprised face. “Is that really you? I can’t believe it. The last time I saw you was-“

“Like two weeks ago in New York. You’re right it’s been so long.” You play along and begin to fake ugly cry. “I can’t believe Fai’s love has brought us together again.”

“You guys are stupid, I hate you both.” Faith pouts as you and Ransom laugh and high five.

“Seriously though, you guys really dated in high school?”

“We did, for two years.”

“I cannot imagine you two together.” He says as he looks between both of you. “Ransom is such an ass.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“And I’m slightly offended. Want something to drink, Thimble?”

“Anything that will get me away from Faith’s glare.”

Ransom chuckles as he places a hand on your lower back and guides you to the bar. You take a seat at one of the stools just as the yacht begins to move.

“Sex on the beach?” Ransom asks you with a sly smirk.

“Perv. You know I don’t like to drink.”

“Ok, how about a watered down version. I promise to keep an eye on you.”

“That doesn’t sound like a good idea, I know you like to drink.”

“Actually, I’ve cut back on my drinking. Please have a drink and have a good time. I promise I’ll have your back.”

“Since when did you cut back?”

“Honestly, since Annie told us what happened to her husband.” Ransom looks away from you for a moment. “You know Theodore called me that night.”

“Really? What did you talk about?”

“I will tell you after I order you a drink. Let me get a woo woo for the lady. Don’t make it too woo-y.” Ransom tells the bartender who immediately gets to work.

“A woo woo?”

“Yup, nice and sweet with a little bit of tartness. Just like you.”

“You need to work on your flirting.”

“Oh baby, I’m just warming you up.”

The bartender sets a very pretty pink cocktail in front of you. You give the bartender a quick ‘thanks’ and take a sip.

“Ok, this is really good.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s go start this party.” Ransom takes your hand and leads you towards the rest of the group.

There’s good music, good food and best of all good company. Initially you sit with Faith and the bridesmaids but somehow you always end up side by side with Ransom. You could be on opposite sides of the yacht but somehow you’d always end up together. Even when the yacht stopped in a perfect spot and everyone shed their extra layers of clothing and jumped into the ocean.

It was the most fun you’d had in a while. For the first time in a long time you could stop thinking about your responsibilities and just enjoy yourself. It helped that there was eye candy all around, especially Ransom. He had definitely bulked up.

“You’re drooling.” Fai leans in and says.

You were perched up on the swim platform watching as the others goofed around in the water. No matter how much you tried, your eyes kept coming back to Ransom.

“Am not.”

“Please, you’d give him another set of twins if he asked you to.”

“Can you stop?” You said with a laugh. “No one is getting anyone pregnant.”

“Just laid. I plan to get you laid before this weekend is over.”

You roll your eyes before standing back up and jumping back in the water.

****

As the sun began to set dinner had been served. Everyone sat around a long table. Ransom was of course by your side. His arm resting on the back of your chair as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Maybe it was, it felt like it was. But your mind tends to romanticize things that are out of the norm in your life. Rarely did you take a vacation but now here you are in a romantic setting with the man you once loved, and still did, sitting beside you. And in the blink of an eye the two of you fall into an old routine. You can’t help but be around each other, the pull is too great. It’s safe and comfortable.

After dinner everyone breaks off into little groups. You move away from the noise and sit in a lounge area toward the back. It gives you a great view of the last rays of the sun. The orange and pinks giving way to the inky black of night. It doesn’t take long for you to have company. You don’t even have to turn around to know it’s Ransom. He places an arm on the back of your seat and nudges you so that you rest your weight against him. You stay cuddled up and appreciating his warmth until the yacht is docked. Neither of you said a word, you just appreciated each other’s company.

Wordlessly you follow each other out of the docks and back to the hotel. Faith throws you two thumbs up as she watches you get into the elevator with Ransom.

“I’m glad you’re here.” You tell him.

“Yeah? Why is that?”

“Because I won’t have to navigate this whole thing alone.”

“Woah thimble,” Ransom holds up a hand. “What makes you think I want you to cramp my style?”

“Cramp your style? The fact that you said that lets me know you have none.”

He chuckles. “Well if this party is as wild as that post prom party was back in sophomore year we’re going to have a great time.”

You scoff, remembering that party perfectly. That night was the second time you had slept together.

“You mean the night you got me pregnant?”

“That was the night wasn’t it?”

“Yup.” You say as you walk out of the elevator and towards your suite.

“Told you, wild party.”

You open the door and turn to look up at Ransom. He looks so good with his sun kissed skin, silky hair that you wanted to push away from his face and his smile. It wasn’t that cocky smile he presented to the world, no it was his real smile and it made him look younger. It was reserved for you.

“I’m glad you’re here too.” He leans down and places a kiss on the corner of your mouth. “See you tomorrow thimble.”

He leaves you at a loss for words and your heart practically beating out of your chest. But then again he could always make your heart do that. Slowly you close the door to your suite and rest against it. There’s one thing you know for sure.

Things are going to get a lot more interesting this weekend.

Ch 5

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camphorror · 8 months ago

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ok so hello people of tumblr. who wants to know what happened since i last regularly posted here????

i became friends with this girl at work i was loooowkey crushing on, we became too close way too quickly. she confided in me a month and a half into out friendship how she had a crush on a***d which caused her a sexuality crisis bc she was convinced she was gay until then. i felt weird but loved her too much to let something silly like this ruin the friendship. he started hanging out with us, i felt real fucking baaaaaad. life situations led me into telling a***d i liked him for ages. he said we're too good friends to ruin it, we're beyond that point! if i had said something earlier then maybe! then i found out he liked her!!! but he decided because of me he would stop talking to her!! i was living thru insanity bc of it. then me and him spent a month and a half being friends but also more than friends? but also "it's just good friends it's nothing romantic bc i said i don't feel the same i don't wanna ruin it you're one of the utmost important people in my life up there with my childhood friends blahblah" and we cuddled and hugged every time we met, texted every day after work until late at night, went thru a kissing/making out one evening after drinking a lot of alcohol drama. he initiated all of this!!! always!! i was in this weird grey area and thought everything is Fine because i know it's not a good idea

then almost a month ago he decided to ask her out! he didn't tell me in advance (despite the fact i told him if you ever choose to act about your feelings just say so). she did not tell me about it despite me being transparent with her all along, and despite telling me she thinks friendship is more important than all of this. so this went on for a week and a half, without me being told, whilst i was feeling weird asf and convincing myself i'm going crazy because of my anxiety bc everything was Normal. and then i found out thursday march 28th (haha a month ago exactly.. what a coincidence) because we were together and he said he can't wait for a "right time" like she wanted to. all of life collapsed from the feeling of betrayal from and anger at both of them. first i hated her, now i realised i hate him because he was at fault for all this messed up shit and took zero responsibility the one time we talked. i gave 2 of them chances to talk as some closure and we haven't spoken since. i truly hate him and think he's a shit person.

took a whole week off work after that first happened. was depressed at home. one day i decided to dress nicely and go meet my friend who just came back from abroad at the city of christ..... told her everything. then she took me to see a cool hostel i'd like bc it's in an ancient building. guy who works there studied with us but i didn't remember him lol. we talked & had wine then i got tipsy i overshared everything. he was the most charming and cute person i met.... (& a proper proper leftist too). we spent 3 hours there with him despite my friend wanting to kill me bc that WASN'T the plan. he was overly friendly, had a very interesting vibe.. esp abt the situation... then he told me how he's going abroad the next day and perhaps is gonna break up with his ldr gf... we sat together whilst my friend was in another room/on the side on her phone (I APOLOGISED PROFOUNDLY) and he even showed me pics of him from the gym... my biggest regret is when we left, had food with my friend and just got on the bus, he texted me on ig that i should come back to say bye again.. i didnt... then he came back from abroad last week and sort of said if i got the time i should come visit.. so of ci did lol but the Vibe was gone (as like... he didnt break up with the gf and therefore there was no vibe & i was fine with it lol). he asked me if i want him to teach me how to fight and i said yeah so besides updating him again on my woes we also literally fought with each other which was fucking fun. like he was properly teaching me what to do in a fight. i'm still feeling sore (that was 2 days ago) he is so cool and i wanna be his friend now that i am not cr*shing on him...

besides that life is still grim and i am going back to work in a day and gonna have to see those 2 people who ruined my life again aaaaand i know my mental health will take a dive. what do you even do when this shit happens

#txt #now i can be gone for another 6 months and update again i guess

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ssa-dado · 6 days ago

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Pre-exam IQIWIANQLQPL, Chapter 21 updates and a desperate writer begging for your opinións (Help me, I'm spiraling 🤌🤖)

Hi lovely humans!

Long post ahead with lots of updates, so buckle up 🏎🏎🏎🏎

I’m temporarily rising from the dead to drop some info bombs! 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️👯‍♀️👯‍♀️ This week is pre-exam chaos central for me (two major reviews: one on Wednesday and one on Thursday), so I’ll only be sporadically active for a few minutes here and there. Wish me luck hahahahahhaha (I want to di*)

Now, onto the fun stuff: I have an ask about philosophy that I’ve been dying to answer for weeks (seriously, I’m so exciteddddd AAAAA) I’ve been working on some notes and promise to carve out a bit of time for a detailed, exhaustive response...... it’s going to be so much fun (warning: I might get a little overly talkative and probably a bit technical but I'll do my best to make it user-friendly)

Chapter 21 Updates:

I’m actually more than halfway through the chapter! If all goes well, it should drop this weekend (lessons wrap up Thursday, so yay, more writing time!). No more waiting 71,718 days for a new chapter!!!! WE CAN START CELEBRATING YEEE HAWWW LET THE BANQUET BEGIN! 🍝🍷🧃🍅🥖🥗🧀🍽

When I say “halfway through,” I mean I’m halfway through the outline I had in mind 🙃

If I stick to it, we’re finally looking at a decently sized chapter (10k-12k words - bye bye 20k monstrosities). These chapters have been trickier to draft because as you've seen they’re so heavily focused on Hotch (we’ve been spending way more time in his POV than Teach's. I love doing it idk why)

Idk if I've said it before (probably I did) but in a way, these last Act 2 chapters are a love letter to him, as each one (Logic, Physics, Ethics, and Logos) is designed to dismantle the idea of him as a stoic, using events and narrative to challenge the principles of stoic philosophy. Some heavy character development going on (because poor man he gets a divorce and also the girl he fucks with fucking explodes lmao)

But enough philosophy rambling.......you’re probably here for plot details, right? 👁👁

Right?!

Left?!

OK enough with those dad jokes

So, Chapter 21 follows the events of Criminal Minds episodes 3x09 through 3x11 (do with this information what you will). The title, Physics, is inspired by the Stoic’s highly deterministic view of the universe, where fate plays a central role.

(Hint: if you’re curious about this, check out the colors of Symposium moodboard... pay special attention to the color black 👹👹👹 Remember that both characters were involved in that case back then... just saying.)

The chapter will also include a flashback that ties directly into the present and impacts Hotch’s character. Most importantly, it will push SOMEONE toward figuring out how they really feel about a certain SOMEONE (yes, I mean Gissi or maybe not)

Help this poor lovely human being

As the story progresses, I’ve started to feel more pressure (in a good way don’t worry!!!!!) to deliver what you want to see. So, tell me, what parts interest you the most? What do you enjoy reading? This way, I can focus more on those elements and cut down on others.

Speaking of which, a while back, I wrote a scene set right after the last chapter where Aaron takes the reader out following their breakup with Peter. I was in a super fluffy, bantery mood, so naturally, I had him take them to a traditional Italian restaurant, complete with the classic nosey Italian staff 🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌 (I’m Italian, so I get a free pass on the stereotype, ty). Of course, the staff assumes they’re a couple (what a shame, really), and the two totally lean into it, turning it into one of their lawyer/philosopher-style challenges, only this time with some added hand touches and overly exaggerated flirts purely for the sake of the game (they’re still fun to read I swear)

It’s a trope I love reading, and I couldn’t resist writing it into this universe with these blind af characters.

But drumroll please 🎺🎺🎺🎺 I ended up cutting it because it was just cute fluff and didn’t really serve the plot. Typical me: I get so carried away with the pining and banter that even a "short" scene spirals into a 3k-word detour. Classic Phi.

I wanted to keep it to myself, but maybe you might want to read it as well! So I'm actually debating whether to put it back at the beginning of Chapter 21 (though the current opening feels right), or post it as a standalone one-shot preview, like a “Chapter 20.1.”

What do you think? Should I include it, or save it as a fun bonus chapter?

Also, while you’re waiting for the chapter, would you want to see any more WIPs, or would you rather experience everything as a whole when it’s done?

Alright, enough rambling and people-pleasing for today, I’m off to write 🏌‍♀️🏌‍♀️🏌‍♀️ Sending lots of love! 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Phi (& Dado, the one and only chairman of the blog)

#phi over-talks #symposiumff #ssadado

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warrenwitches3 · 1 year ago

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In The Beginning Women Was The Sun

Ever since I was a child I never once truly smiled.

I never got to be raised like a normal kid with a loving family, no, the universe hated me I hated me. I guess some part of myself still does, but I could never hate nor blame them. It wasn’t our fault we’re different, but people move on, I moved on,most died sadly sadly, I miss them and I hope they miss me-

“KEIKO IM GOING!!” My brother was hanging out with his friend Akkun, he acts weird a lot, his personality kinda switches, like he’s a new person, but I don’t ask, he’ll tell me when he’s ready.

I walked downstairs. “Bye, have fun” and walked off into the kitchen hearing the door close behind him.

“Alone again huh? Maybe I’ll finish that painting today” I make myself a hot chocolate and go out to the little garden shed where I do my art.

———————

The house phone was ringing, I could hear it even from all the way out here.

“Hello, yes this is she, yes I do, thank you yes I’ll be on my way now thank you.” That idiot landing himself in the hospital. I grabbed my bag and went out the door riding off on my bike. Passing the cars and all the buildings was rather calming, I like to think I’m calm right now but the way my hands were gripping the handles or how much faster I was riding the bike then I normally do said otherwise. The car park was busy, mostly filled up but there was a spot near the door for me.

“Hello” I approached the lady at the desk. “I’m here to visit my brother Hanagaki Takemitchi”.

“Hmmm, room D3 love.” She smiled

“Thank you” I turned to walk away.

“Hi, what room is hanagaki takemitchi in?” A soft voice I recognised asked.

“Hina hey,you can come with me.” I waved at her.

“Ah! Keiko, it’s been a while how are you?” She asked.

“I’m going good, you?”

“I’m great, I haven’t seen you much anymore, you stopped joining me and takemitchi on out walks to school, and our study sessions every Thursday night.” She remarked.

“Sorry, mum got me a new therapist so the sessions had to change” I looked down, eye contact made me nervous.

“Oh! What happened to the old one?” She asked, she knew I didn’t like direct eye contact so she was fine with me looking at the floor.

“She died.” I left it simple, I didn’t know much other then what the news said, all I got told was that she died due to gang violence, she’s lucky it was only a gang.

“Oh..that’s sad” yes it is, she had a life ahead of her, I liked her, but I didn’t know her.

“We weren’t that close but I still feel bad, it was some gang thing.” We arrived at takemitchis room and I held the door open for her. We heard a sobbing like sound. Hina pushes back the curtain.

“Are you ok!what’s wrong?” There was a blonde girl with her head on his lap, she was crying, I think Hina took it differently though, common mistake anyone would make.

“Oh no stop! That’s gross!” She looked disgusted “how dare you” she sounded like she wanted to barf. I think he got the message.

“NO NO NO! It’s not what it looks like Hina I swear!!!” She hit him.

“You good to be released?” I asked not wanting this misunderstanding to continue, I like Hina, can’t have him lose her.

———————

“I’m leaving now is there anything you want?” I poked my head through mitchi’s room to see him doing the puzzle I got him.

“Uhh no thanks just some snacks” he’s actually concentrating for once.

“No medication that the doctors gave you?” I ask for confirmation.

“No they gave me none actually.” He’s still focused on the puzzle.

“Alright I’ll be back soon bye” I wave him off and go downstairs. I stop by the mirror in the hallway to make sure I look good before leaving, it’s not that hot nor that cold so I can wear an outfit with a fair amount of accessories and layers. I open the door and I’m greeted with the sight of Mitchi’s friend group.

“Hello guys, Mitchis in his room.” I let them in. “Don’t cause a mess or get him to move around to much.”

“Thank you Keiko” Akkun says leading the rest up the stairs.

I leave the house and start walking down the street, I can’t take the bike so I’ll walk. I pass by a few people but one sticks out, he’s tall and blonde with the sides of his hair shaven of, the rest pulled into a plate, with a dragon tattoo on the side of his head, he’s a gang member definitely. I go about my day not stopping for him, why should I he holds me no importance but being a stranger on the street.

———————

The shopping got done but the front yard was undone.

“Mitchi and his friends had fun I see..” things were thrown everywhere, his bat was broken, his favourite bike, at least mine was left untouched and unscathed. I made my way through the yard carefully and opened the door with my foot, I slipped my shoes off and put the groceries on the counter. I grabbed my phone and called the bot at the source of all this mess.

———————

Takemitchis POV

“Oh Crap!” Keiko was calling me, I remember the way we left the yard and prayed her bike was ok, I never got to check.

“Hey Kei how’d the shopping go?”

“Good I got all the stuff but I have a question”

“Uhhh yeah..?”

“What happened to the front yard?!”

“Ahhh! I’m so sorry Kei really my friends had a fight and I tried to stop them but it got out of hand look-“ at this point everyone stopped to look at me with the mention of the fight.

“Your lucky my bike is ok.”

“Oh thank god.”

“You and me are cleaning this together tomorrow alright? And where are you anyway it’s late out.”

“I’m ok don’t worry I’m with my friends at the par-“

“But still it’s dangerous past sunset you should come home, what if you got mugged, or beaten up or-“

“Keiko. I’ll be ok, this isn’t Yokohama ok shibuya might not be the safest place ever but it’s not Yokohama.”

“Ah.. I know, sorry I just-“

“It’s ok your just looking out for me, I’ll head home in a minute alright I’m safe.”

“Hmm.. alright we can talk more when you get home, but be safe, by Mitchi, love you to the moon”

“And I’ll love you all the way back, see you soon Kei” I ended the call with the others looking at me.

“What..?” I sweat dropped

“Who was that?” Mikey asks.

“Uhh.. it’s Keiko, my sister.”

“What! You have a sister! And you never told us! And here I thought we were friends.” Mickey complained.

“Yeah what’s up with that takemitchi.” Darken turns to me.

“Well it’s not like the topic came up and she’s a keep to herself kinda person..” I answered.

“But she’s really nice! And pretty, and quite protective, but she’s cool.” Hina adds talking about Keiko. Emma looks at her.

“You know her Hina?” Hina nods her head.

“Yeah, apart from Takemitchi I was her first friend when they took her in.” She had a smile on her face, one she wears for Keiko, it holds sincerity, she treats Keiko like her own sister, it makes me happy that my two favourite girls get along well.

“Took her in?” Draken asks.

“Yeah my mum took her in when she saw her passed out in an alley near her work. She was in bad shape but refused to go to the hospital when she woke up, almost got out the car while it was on the freeway, mum came home to patch her up.” I explained shortly, I didn’t think it was ok for me to explain the whole story, it wasn’t my decision.

“Woah! So she was a street rat!” It was mikey.

“HUH!”

“Uhh..”

“You can’t say that you idiot!” Draken gave him a slap over the head. “Don’t go bad mouthing Takemitchis sister! Now apologies!”

“Hmph! Sorry Takemitchi.” His apology was half assed!

“It’s alright I guess..” I rubbed my neck not knowing how to respond. “Hey, I uhh..gotta go now so I’ll se you guys at the festival yeah?”

“Ask Kei if she wants to come! She needs to get out more and plus she could meet Emma!” Hina stated.

“I’ll try to get her out..” I turn and take my leave home. “Bye!”

NOTE: boom! Done with this first chapter, so idk how this story is gonna go or if it’s gonna be continued but I do have some backstory for Keiko and I think if I do continue this it’ll be really fun, also don’t worry I’m still doing the twst one I’ve got a chapter in the making rn it’s half way there but tell me what y’all think of this, also the first person thing might not be forever I just wanted to give it a shot, anyway bye ✌️ have a good day.

#tokyo rev crossover #Tokyo rev #Tokyo revengers #bsd crossover #bsd #bunguo stray dogs #crossover #crossover fanfic #oc #flags bsd #bungo stray dogs odasaku #takemitchy #hinata tachibana #emma sano #draken #Mikey

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calicantconcentrate · 1 year ago

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08. Boring Busy

HI! I haven’t been making daily logs because, frankly, there is nothing happening. Hopefully that’ll change in the upcoming days!

I have a hangout with my friends planned for Saturday and I’m going to go see the musical “Six” with my grandma next Thursday! Very excited!!

I’ve been watching extreme budgeting videos, and now I’ve been wanting to create a spreadsheet so I can also budget!

I’m looking for jobs, and TRIED looking up freelance transcription jobs, not realizing that California said “no ma’am” with some legislation, so- nvm.

I’m also looking at working at a nearby store or maybe even Starbucks.

I’ve been thinking about starting an Etsy, just so I can sell my over-planned google docs and spreadsheets. They ain’t much, but they’re honest work lol.

Last thing- DID YOU GUYS SEE THE NEW FNAF TRAILER!???!?!??!?!? Dude- Why bring your kid/little sister to work when you’re a night guard?? That sounds so unsafe???? And where is William Afton???? We get golden freddy but not springtrap??? Anyways, my hypothesis for the ending bit, where golden freddy is holding the little girl’s hand- I think that Mike is going to get springlocked(?) and becomes golden freddy. Periodt.

OK IM GONNA GO MAKE MY SPREADSHEET!!!!! MUAH BYE!

06/27/2023

#fnaf #fnaf movie #budgeting #blog #six the musical #etsy

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bllsbailey · 3 months ago

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'Eight Shades of Bizarre': Tim Walz and Wife's Wild Remarks in Wisconsin

I've been calling Tim Walz the "Howard Dean Scream in the Flesh"

since Kamala Harris chose him as her running mate because of just how over the top his reactions are. It's pretty funny that he would call anyone else "weird" when he is such an odd duck himself.

I reported on how he was in Grand Rapids, Michigan, on Thursday where he went into a hyperdrive of weirdness with wild gesticulations, even lifting his leg up. He claimed Harris had brought prices down when everyone knows they've gone up under Harris and Joe Biden. He also led a chant about not eating cats. Oh, and on top of all that, he referred to Kamala Harris as a "prostituter." No kidding, he said that.

READ MORE: Walz Goes Into Hyperdrive of Weirdness With Wild Gesticulations and Chants About Cats

YIKES: What Was That Tim Walz Just Called Kamala Harris at MI Event?

Walz continued with the weirdness in Superior, Wisconsin, on Saturday, this time accompanied by his wife at the podium. I don't think that was a good idea because not only did he do a weird turn, but she added some cringe of her own, not even realizing how what she said was bad for Kamala Harris.

Here was Tim's turn. Give him his moment! Now!!

What the heck is that?

Trump should play some of these things on a loop in ads, with how badly the economy has done under Harris and illegal aliens flooding across the border. Your moment is almost up, Tim, and you can go back and be weird in Minnesota.

But if that wasn't bad enough, then there was his wife. Check the eyes. Radio host Chris Stigall nailed it with the description of these characters.

What the actual hell is with these people? The Walz’ are just eight shades of bizarre. It’s like they’re aliens in human suits who’ve studied human behavior and are trying to blend in but can’t quite sell it.

Gwen Walz tries to encourage them to do this "turn the page" thing, and she said it looked like "Bye-bye," which she tried to apply to Trump. They come across like they're trying to talk to five-year-olds, maybe that's what they think of their audiences. They're so fake, like car salesmen trying to sell a defective product they need to get rid of. That's Harris and Walz.

But the other thing that's weird here about "turning the page" and their slogan "a new way forward" is they're trying to pretend Trump is the incumbent. They're acting like Harris and Biden haven't been occupying office for the past three-plus years, messing everything up because the polls show that the American people want a change.

The mess the American people are upset with is a direct result of actions by Harris. She voted for legislation that helped make inflation worse. She failed to secure the border. And people can't even point to her achievements because she is so lacking. So it's pretty hard to paint her as a "change agent." But that's what they're trying to sell people.

So Harris and Walz want to turn the page on...wait for it...Harris? Well, ok, yes, we all do too.

On top of that, it's a reminder of how Kamala Harris got nailed when she was repeating that line for a Univision radio interview; just after she said "turn the page," you could hear her turn the page of the notes she was reading from to answer the questions. Whoops.

READ MORE: Kamala Univision Radio Interview Has People Laughing at a Very Funny Moment That Shows Her Weakness

VIDEO: While Minneapolis Burned, Walz's Wife Threw Her Windows Open to Enjoy the Smell of Burning Tires

You can see how bizarre Gwen Walz is here, but we already saw that she had issues with what she said about what happened when Minneapolis burned.

How could anyone put them in office, when this is how they think?

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jodilin65 · 30 years ago

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MONDAY, JANUARY 30, 1995 I’ve been so preoccupied with other things that I haven’t written much lately. Goldie called last night from Sun City. Al’s sister’s husband died, so that’s why they’re there. They’re returning to Vegas today or tomorrow, then they’ll be back in Sun City on February 25th. She wants to get together with us on the 26th or 27th. Tom and I are looking forward to that, and then on March 1st, they’ll return to MA.

I cleaned the bathroom today, then I also ended up straightening up the patio. It looks very nice.

As of now, Tom’s put in 3 phone/cable jacks. In the living room and our rooms.

I’ve come to believe that Tom doesn’t want to move into my room all that bad. As much as I’d like for him to be here, I’m still not overly anxious about it due to hating “roommates.” Everyone needs their private space and I hate bed-sharing.

He’s home now, so bye for now.

Later…

I showed Tom all I did today which he was happy with and now he’s eating.

The sex is still good and more frequent, even though he doesn’t cum. I still have two theories about that. There’s something physically wrong with him, or he’s holding back. I believe more so that he’s holding back, waiting till he’s 100% ready to make a kid (if all’s OK with me). He says, “But I’m going to,” so if he’s not fooling himself and in denial of something that may be wrong with him, then I’d say he has a plan for February to sometime in April maybe to start.

I made a drink called Bride’s Pink Punch that I got out of the cookbook. It’s pretty good. It consists of Jell-O, pineapple juice, Kool-Aid, and 7-up.

I accidentally began to record over a part of that Terry Jacks song, so I called to request it today to no avail. After two hours of not hearing it, I gave up. That’s how it is, though, when you request a song from any station. It’s 50/50.

Yesterday I did a tremendous amount of story writing. Five pages in a small font. Small print, I mean. On and off I’ll be copying that into book 88. The story begins on a few clumps of pages in 83 & 83, then goes through all of 87. After 88, I may use 89. That’s also one Marge gave me, along with 88 that I was doing sketches in.

Not much else is happening, so I’ll see ya.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28, 1995 We’ve been quite busy and productive lately. Yesterday Tom put a phone jack in the living room and today he put one in my room.

I left Andy a message about my ear and I spoke to my mom yesterday and Tammy today. Tammy’s gonna email a few recipes. Stuff she says you’d think you slaved over all day, but that really takes only 15 minutes or so to make.

I got a surprise on Prodigy today. A message from Alex which I printed out and put in my binder with my other letters.

Last night I woke up at 2:15. I was still sort of tired, so I fell back asleep from about 5:30-7:30 this morning. I had the most explicit wet dream involving Tom ever. He was about to go down on me, then began looking around the house for sex toys. He said that in two weeks he was “secretly” gonna pick a date for us to screw to make a baby. It was rather strange.

We screwed today in real life, though. That position I mentioned before that we do in bed. I came sooo hard. My period had ended yesterday, but due to my cumming so hard I bled for a few hours today and even had a little cramping. That happens, though, and he certainly didn’t tear or rupture anything and I felt no pain or discomfort at all.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 1995 In an hour we're going food shopping, so I thought I'd update now. Yesterday's appointment was good and not so good. The graft inside is pretty much healed, but my ear canal is collapsing. This is a common thing which is called osteotoma or something like that. I have to insert a small funnel-like thing in it every day to keep it open.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 1995 I haven’t written in a couple of days due to being busy working on 87. I finished it yesterday and today I may begin 88.

Not much to tell right now. Today at 4:30 I have to see Dr. Nielsen.

On the night of the 24th, I woke up with my period in full force. I feel so much better. My sore tits and mood are better. This period brought two new things, but I can’t complain. Instead of spotting a day or two in advance like usual, it just came full force all at once. I also only needed two Ibuprofens, not 2000. Usually, it’s fairly heavy for 4-6 hours, but I’m still flowing heavy. The good thing about it is, though, that I have no cramps and this gives my period a chance to “catch up.” Remember, the last period was a week late and only lasted two days.

MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 1995 I just talked to Andy, his straight friend Karson (female), and his gay friend Robert. He’s never met these people, but he’s been phone pals with them for a year.

He says to try 100.7 as this station’s supposed to play music from the 60s, 70s and 80s.

Yesterday Tom and I went to Target. He got two pairs of pants and I got two word-find books and a puzzle. This puzzle has 1000 pieces. It’s of an old house set back in a wooded area with tulips and other kinds of flowers around it.

Well, there’s really not much else to tell now, other than something that Tom said that made me very happy. He said, “I probably want a kid more than you do. I just don’t bring it up too much so as not to pressure you.”

I told him he can bring it up all he wants, as this helps me to want to conquer my fears even more. I don’t want to keep running away from things that seem overwhelming and taking the easy way out, and he’s got lots of faith and confidence in me.

I also picked up birthday cards for Sandy and Jennifer.

Last night Andy called me with a girl named Cindy. At one point I began singing a few lines and he said, “Wow. Your voice seems different since the operation. It’s more stereoized.”

Well, when I first was able to wear headphones after the surgery, Tom said I sang with them on like someone hearing from both ears. Before, he said I sang like I heard from one ear. I don’t know what they mean and I don’t feel a difference when I sing, but this is just what they told me.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 1995 I was just watching TV and I polished my nails.

The other day Tom and I went through the cookbook Ma sent and we got some stuff to make a couple of things. There’s this one mint chocolate shake kind of drink, though, but we have no cocoa malt. I used hot chocolate mix along with the milk and peppermint extract, but it’s kind of weird tasting. We’ll see how it tastes after I throw some vanilla ice cream in it.

Earlier, Tom and I fucked in that awesome position in bed again. Neither of us came, but it sure felt good.

At 5 PM yesterday, we went over to his parent’s house. I met Steve, his wife Carol, and her son Matthew from a previous marriage. The first thing Carol said was, “She’s gorgeous! Steven, look at her.”

Sure still is weird coming from another woman.

Anyway, they’re all very nice, and Matthew, who’s 12, showed me some of his cartoon drawings which were very good. He wants to be a cartoonist.

They live about an hour and a half away from Marla, who lives in Hayward, CA.

After I listen to music, I’ll write about this really funny and bizarre thing I saw on HBO called Taxicab Confessions.

Later…

What that show was all about was New York City cab drivers who knew they were being filmed, but their customers didn’t. There was a gay guy bragging about all his boyfriends. A transvestite and a hooker (naturally, the hooker had kids). Just about all these people used every word in the book from motherfucker to cunt. A cop, who I doubt really was a cop, that was describing the full bloody details of all the dead bodies he’s seen. A guy who beat up some guy for stealing from a dead man’s family. Five fairly hot-looking girls in their 20s. An old guy playing a fiddle and two foreign college guys discussing American women. A girl with a pierced nose, lip, tongue, eyebrow and clit.

Now here’s the most interesting one of all: I wasn’t surprised how she only was out for sex or that she seemed really ditzy, flaky, air-headed and probably on drugs. However, this very feminine lesbian who did only women (she wasn’t bi) really made me wonder. Where the hell was she and the supposedly many others like her before I met Tom?

The cab driver was definitely a butch. She claimed to be married, though. Yeah, she looked like a wife or a mother, but more so a butch. She thought the woman was hot (she was) and would’ve gone home with her if she wasn’t working. I’ll bet if I was in that cab driving this girl, she’d never have hit on me like she was hitting on that driver. However, that’s the scoop on it. Fems don’t go for other fems. They go for butches.

I finished that book last night and it was good. I may check out the library one of these days.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 1995 What shall we discuss now? Well, I still have my #1 dream that I was practically born with. I want to get on with doing whatever I can possibly do with singing.

And if Tom never cums and I should get pregnant? Then I guess I’d have to say that was very meant to be after all. The same “kid signs” have been there more so in the last several years as with the “male signs.” You know how I always said it was quite obvious and that I knew I wasn’t meant to be with a woman due to getting all the wrong ones and the endless offers from guys? Well, I was right, as we all know. The same signs are there saying to have a kid and while there’s much less of them to deal with here, I still do deal with them occasionally, unlike before 1992. I wonder why I’m not pregnant yet then? Maybe it really would kill me physically and mentally, God knows that and is protecting and sparing me. Isn’t it me who always did and still does fear that?

Gotta go take my meds now. Also, I’ll probably finish the book. I may write more later if sleep’s not a blessing.

Later…

Sleep was definitely not in my cards last night and I was really pissed off. At 4:30 or so I sat up all sweaty, went crashing into the bathroom, and threw cold water all over me. Tom heard me and came out and was talking with me. I was really feeling like a failure at the time and afraid I’d never be able to do anything. He said I was trying to change too much too fast and depriving myself of sleep. He reassured me that all would be well and to sleep as long as I needed to and don’t worry about my appointment - I’ll get there fine. So, I slept till 3:30 today and I feel tremendously better, but I’ve got to be honest with you. When things like this happen I become gladder and more understanding as to why we can’t have a kid. He disagrees, but I know I could never do it.

I called and wished Lisa a happy birthday today. She’s 12.

Finally, Tammy had great news about Bill. She said he’s as clean as a whistle and has a 90% cure possibility.

I let her know their disks are on their way, too.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19, 1995 I guess I ended up taking quite a long break, huh?

Before I get into the pros and cons of Tom moving into my room, I must say one other thing.

I’d like to have Tom move in to give me more of a sense of “normality.” He also says it’d make it easier to have sex more often and would make him feel better overall, too. He can sleep through anything, too. Lights, movement, music, and the fan. I slept fine when he slept in here after my surgery, but now that I’m better and even though people tend to move less on a waterbed, I’m still afraid I’ll be woken up more often. Like several times a night. Also, I feel that everybody needs their space and their own little private domain. If we’re fighting, the last thing I’m gonna want to do is be closer to him. We did talk about moving my stereo, card table and bookcase in there, so that’s cool. I told him he could bring up moving in this weekend at some point during the weekend, but I have a feeling he may not do so. I sometimes wonder if he’s as anxious as he says he is about moving in. Truthfully, he can take his time as far as I’m concerned. I’m not going anywhere.

Later…

Gosh, I wish I was tired! Instead, I am wide awake. I fell asleep at 3 AM last night and set the alarm for 10. I didn’t quite get out of bed till 11:15.

Tom watched me work out earlier and I did all of each exercise. How the hell I did, I don’t know. Especially when it’s been a while and I’m feeling as flabby as Jell-O.

I’m almost done with that book. Got 20 pages left.

Tomorrow morning Tom’s going grocery shopping. If he doesn’t, though, we’ll go together at night.

He’s also gonna take his parents to the racetrack, find out business license information, finish Tammy’s disk, then we’ll go meet his brother at his parent’s house in the evening.

Out in the kitchen, there’s a list of the stuff we want to do during his next two days off.

He and I both have expressed how we’re glad there’s been more sex and hope to have even more. However, I hope he doesn’t use the busy next two days as an excuse to put off sex as well as an opportunity to instill and almost force patience in me. Just like I fear he may try to do with us having a kid. He’s even admitted on his own to me that he’s got to stop making various kinds of excuses. Tom’s never proven himself to be a liar to me, but sometimes I feel he may not always be too upfront with me or himself.

The force of patience idea is an example. Meaning, he never said he was doing that, but for some reason, if I really can have a kid, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were born when I was 32-33.

Another example is Tom’s response to our talking about his cumming: “But I’m going to.”

Sure. Uh-huh. He’s said this 1-3 times a month since we met. If it wasn’t for a good part of me wanting a kid, believe me, I’d be thrilled. Less stench and mess. Great method of birth control too, cuz very rarely does one get away, so to speak.

In a way, I’m sort of glad Tom can sometimes be hard to figure out and thoroughly understand. The same with “God’s” plans and motives. It gives me something to do. You know how I love to figure out shit. Or try to, anyway. Yup, I would’ve made a great detective.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 1995 Andy didn’t come over, but we chatted on the phone. We called Marla, but she wasn’t there. We chatted with Evan for a while.

I began doing something I haven’t done in years. Reading. I’m reading a book called Basic Instinct. It was a big movie a couple of years ago. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’d like to eventually. The last time I was into reading was when I was living on Oswego St. in Springfield, so we’re talking late 1987 to early 1988 was when I got sick of it.

Andy said that for the laughs of it, he took pictures of our old apartment buildings in Springfield, his old place on Belmont Ave., and my last place there on Woodside Terrace.

Later…

Up till I was in my early 20s, I couldn’t write sloppy if I tried. Now it seems I couldn’t write neatly if I tried. I know I should really work on printing more often.

I just realized something funny, yet true. When I came the last time he and I came, I asked him what it felt like. He said he didn’t feel anything. I thought most guys could feel a woman cum when he’s inside her and he’s said, “It feels really good,” in the past. He probably said that cuz I said and insisted that I couldn’t feel or see any evidence of when he said he came. He said, “Stuff did come out. I know it was on me. Maybe the KY jelly has something to do with it.”

Yeah, maybe the KY jelly did affect it. Who knows?

Yesterday I didn’t fall asleep till 4:30 or so and I set my alarm for 11 AM. At 11:45, I finally dragged myself out of bed. Hopefully tonight I can go to bed an hour earlier and get up an hour earlier. Why am I doing this? For two reasons. So I can do stuff with Tom this weekend, and in case I ever need to if there’s ever a baby. I know that that’s both a very premature and ridiculous idea when there never is going to be a baby, but oh well. A good chunk of the time, I’m still grateful there isn’t so we can have our lives.

If there’s one thing I definitely need to work on, it’s living my life for how it is now. Not for how it more than probably won’t be. I must not spend too much time preparing for the future so as not to miss out on the present. Regardless of whether or not I’m planning “accurately” in the future. No, I have no regrets about all the men (and women) whose offers of sex or relationships I turned down. In doing so, I spared myself 5,000 truckloads of misery and feelings of loss of pride and respect. Also feelings of boredom, settlement and non-fulfillment. If I had accepted what was available to me, think of all the more experience I’d have. From what Tom’s expressed, though, he’s glad I haven’t had tons of experience cuz everybody’s different. True. The only way I would’ve been a slut and loved every second of it would’ve been if reality was filled with lots of gorgeous gay fems, also wanting other fems. It’s so funny when I look back on it now and talk about it now. It’s amazing how I and my life have changed so much.

Anyway, what’s going on in current events? Japan just got rocked by a massive earthquake and there are over 3,000 people dead.

A father beat his 6-week-old son to death. Get this, though. The guy was said to have been desperate for a family and even paid a surrogate mother 30 grand to have the kid.

God’s a real winner if He’s truly “controlling” things, as I believe he is. The more fucked up you are, the more you’ll be “chosen” to have a child. Life may not be fair and we may be “too good” to qualify for having a kid, but I am forever grateful and thankful for the wonderful things I do have and the freedom to enjoy them. Yes, I truly can’t imagine my life without being able to write, sing, work on the computer, etc. and sleep during the day like I do a lot.

David and his friend came and got the motorcycle today before I got up.

I sat outside today and it was blissfully quiet. This was probably only cuz it was cool out. Did I get any color on my perfectly white face? Of course not. Plus, I was only out there to read a couple of chapters of the book I’m reading.

This weekend Tom says we may discuss us sharing this bedroom, but I don’t know, cuz I don’t know if he’s that anxious. I love the idea of him moving into my room for several reasons but I’m also like – no way! After I take a break I’ll get into the reasons why even though I’m sure I’ve probably gone through all this before.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 1995 We just had awesome sex! It was a position we never did before. He laid in bed on his side and went inside me while I was on my back. The thing that’s cool about it is that I came!

Anyway, he’s now about to put together a huge poster. Remember all those animal drawings I did that he scanned into the computer? Well, he blew up one of the elephant drawings I did and it’s about 6’ wide and 6’ tall.

I finished that puzzle, even though there were 3 pieces missing. This weekend we may get more, but we’re definitely getting Tom new pants.

Later…

Tom just went to bed so I don’t have much to do right now other than write while I wait for Andy’s call. We spoke last night and he called Marla. We didn’t get to talk to her, though, cuz she was busy, but we spoke to her husband Evan. Yes, they ditched AOL, but we’re gonna call her tonight to discuss whether she’s getting Prodigy or what.

Andy also may come over. For me, he has a cactus plant, an article on Gloria, a tape of an interview she did and I believe that’s it. For him, I have that movie, the magazine with the Phase-Out and 27 NPN envelopes for him to mail. He agreed to mail them all at once as I asked him to. However, he says that he’d like to open one out of each batch I give him, then put whatever was in there into another NPN he has. He said he’s curious to see what I’d put in one of them. Well, I really wish he wouldn’t do that, as I don’t want him to see some of my stupid and silly little story drafts. Those are mine and I don’t want anyone who knows me to see them. I can’t stop him from doing whatever he’s gonna do in the privacy of his own apartment, but I sure wish there was a mailbox close by. I’ll see if he knows of any drop boxes nearby. I know that somewhere near here there is a post office with boxes you drive up to. One’s for in-state and one’s for out-of-state.

Can’t wait to show him this journal and others. I told him about the tie-dye curtains and my chat with Larry.

MONDAY, JANUARY 16, 1995 Today I took my plain curtains and dyed them purple in the washer. Then I hung them out on the line. Then I took an old small pot we never cook out of and one by one I put 8 different color dyes in it outside in the backyard. I filled each one half-full of water from the hose, then took this plastic teddy bear candy dish to splash out the dye onto the curtains. So, now I have tie-dyed curtains.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, so I did most of the puzzle of horses. That’s really all I’ve done since I last wrote, so I guess I’ll go work on the puzzle some more now.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 1995 Some of the stuff I’m gonna mention I probably already have, but I’m just gonna make sure I’m thorough.

This whole entire house has never looked better than it does now. Just about everything in the back room is in place and organized. I recently went through all our papers and filed them in the file box. I put all the computer disks in one box and tidied up odds and ends. Yesterday we both did lots of laundry during our busy day of drilling the hole in the wall, wiring and weeding.

For the longest time, there was a thick wire strung from the living room, across the living room/kitchen doorway, through the hall, past the bathroom, and into Tom’s room. That’s all gone now as Tom has cable and a phone in his room. This will sure make vacuuming a lot easier. So far, the cable and phone are working in his room. We’re gonna fix one of the 19” TVs so I can have that in my room. Lastly, he’ll do the phones in the back room and the living room. We’ll probably end up with two phones in the living room, one in my room and one in the back room. There’s one computer line, too. He said he’s not sure yet what and how he’s gonna go about doing the audio and video wires.

I just got through to that radio station and they’re gonna play that song for me that I haven’t heard in years and have been dying to have on tape.

Yesterday we made the beds and today I went through all his clothes. He has a dresser with 4 drawers and on top, I put his underwear, socks, bathing suit, and long pants. The second drawer has his shorts and about 5 shirts.

I made a pile, as he asked me to, of clothes that looked stained or too worn out. This consists of socks, underwear, shirts and a pair of shorts. He’s gonna go through that and he can decide what to do with it.

I may or may not have mentioned this, but he went over to his parent’s house yesterday and she gave me 4 cookies she baked that she knew Tom didn’t like. They were pretty good.

She also had a gift there for us from his brother Steven and his family in CA. It was a book of 3-D images, and believe it or not, I can see them! Some of them I can see instantly. She also gave Tom a puzzle of horses.

OK, so now I think I’ve got every day before today all updated.

I called Larry today as it’s his 41st birthday and we had a good talk. We didn’t discuss it, but he got my letter about Jenny. Obviously, he understood, just like I understand where he’s coming from as far as the stuff he’s told me. He knows that other than my journals, Tom and Andy I won’t say anything we talked about to Tammy or to mom and dad. I also know that whatever I tell him is safe with him. There are 3 things I know he’s always been good at from what I could always see, regardless of if we were in contact or not. 1. He can keep a secret. 2. He’s a dependable hard worker. 3. A good father. When I told him that if we ever have a kid, I hoped to be as good of a mother as he is a father, he said, “Thank you.”

Anyway, the things me and Tammy say about him won’t get back to him and the things me and Larry say about her won’t get back to her. Despite the fact that Tammy’s been more positive towards me for the last few years, I had to laugh about some of the things Larry said about her cuz they’re so true. I’ve always felt that Tammy was a lousy mom, cuz of her moods and temper, but I’ve never told her this. It’s not my place to and it wouldn’t change things. Anyway, Larry said he wasn’t surprised that Tammy’s a lot like mom was and that he remembers her hitting one of them (probably Lisa) at his house. If I’m remembering right, the last time they saw each other was before she met Bill. Or actually, it was in 1989 for the unveiling of Nana and Pa’s gravestones. Bill was probably there with her, but Becky and Sarah weren’t born yet.

Anyway, he said that Tammy did something very bad to both of them. I’m not sure specifically what he’s talking about and I didn’t ask. When he said that even Sandy won’t forgive her and doesn’t want to talk to her, I knew they had to feel it was quite serious, heavy-duty shit. You see, Sandy’s so passive and easygoing. She’s always been a really sweet, friendly person. I can’t picture her ever going off or saying the word damn, let alone the words shit, fuck or asshole. It takes a lot for her to turn against anyone. He said he’s standing by his wife’s feelings and isn’t about to say, “Hey, this is my sister. You have to do this.” That’s cool, just like Tom and I can compromise. He won’t tell me I can’t see someone he doesn’t like and play daddy, but I’ll see that person away from here or when he’s working or asleep. He said if they do go see her it’ll be for two reasons. To make mom and dad happy, and to have something to laugh about. He respects Dad’s feelings more than Mom’s.

He says while he feels sorry that Bill’s got cancer and wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy, he doesn’t know the guy and knows that if he goes down there, she’s just gonna be phony and pretend to be Mother of the Year while sucking up their sympathy, saying she’s changed. I hate to say this, but yes, I can honestly see that. She’s always been such a major hypochondriac.

He said that he’s sure that if he gives her his number she’ll call every 10 minutes. Yeah, I can see that too, but only with him. This is just cuz she’s very desperate to see him and I can understand that. When he dumped me, it was like, oh well, I’m used to this and life goes on. However, it really hit her hard.

The part that cracked me up is when he said, “She could call me and I could put the phone down, get in my truck, go out and get some coffee and a donut, come back and she’ll still be there talking.”

Now, who do you suppose that reminds me of? Nervous, of course. I told him a little about him and how I called him collect from the beach, told him to hang on, listened to 7 songs and when I returned, he was still there waiting.

Anyway, it turns out that Tammy called Mom upset that she doesn’t have his number and then Ma called him about it. Larry just laid out his feelings about that and hopefully, Ma won’t bug him as I agree with what he said. You can’t make someone do something, and he still has to live his own life. I asked her not to let Tammy know that I’ve got his number so no one’s feelings get hurt when I called there to ask for the dates of Sandy’s and the kids’ birthdays. We chatted really quickly, but I’ll get into that after.

The DJ played that song for me and I, as well as others, have called requesting a song called One Tin Soldier, but he can’t find it. He says he’ll keep on looking for it. The other song I just got was Seasons in The Sun, but it’s not by Terry Jackson, it’s by Terry Jacks.

Anyway, back to my talk with Larry. He’s just taking it easy today. Everyone’s fine. I told him of our busy day yesterday and they said they added a sliding glass door and a deck off of the master bedroom, but the house needs some work. He says he has to redo the driveway. He’ll try to send me a picture of them. The weather’s 60º, but it’s damp, raw and rainy. That’s the usual January thaw they always have.

He told me a really funny joke: What do you get when you put a potato on a dick?

A dictator

I asked him where he’s getting all these jokes from and he said he hears them over the CB. He had a scanner on in there.

Anyway, that’s the bulk of our conversation, but if I remember anything else we discussed, I’ll jot it down.

I called mom and some woman answered, saying her name was Teresa. She’s obviously someone I’ve never met and she goes, “Your mom never told you anything about me?” but she knew who I was. I asked her how they met, and she said at some bar. I told her and Mom that at least she’s got a sense of humor.

Ma gave me their birthday dates and it goes like this: Larry’s August 2, Jenny’s February 4, and Sandy’s February 5.

Later…

After Tom and I screwed, and neither of us came, we had a discussion. Cuz I can only cum by him going down on me, I can somewhat relate to him. However, I told him I feel awfully guilty about his not cumming and that I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for it. He insisted there’s no one to blame and it’s his problem which he’s had before with others and that he really did cum that one time. I told him I have a mixture of feelings and questions about it. He says there is no subconscious underlying fear of having a kid, but he feels no urgency for it and that he’s got time. I had wondered if he was trying to force patience in me and I know he’s mentioned my getting pregnant in April and having it at the end of 1995 or the beginning of 1996. I still want to do whatever I can with my singing and hobbies, but I guess I figured there was no reason to wait.

Well, I may have been wrong when I swore that gay or straight I could never get a decent person and have a great relationship and about getting my foot in the door with my singing sometime in 1994, but I’ve also been right on lots of stuff. I was right when I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t meant for me to be with women as well as other stuff and I know I’m right when I say there isn’t ever gonna be a kid. Probably not even if he came in a big way every day. I know that the sooner I can accept that I’ll never have a kid, the better off I’ll be, but it’s not so easy to do. I know I can and will do it though. It’ll just take time. Just like it took time for me to accept the fact that I could never be with a woman, except for 1-niters, or the wrong types. I can’t make or force myself to get over it at the snap of my fingers, but when I think about the dark and realistic side of it, it helps. You know, all the shit you go through physically, mentally and financially.

I wonder what in the world Andy’s up to. He must really be working like crazy. It’s not too much like him, though, to not call for a few days. Also, I have the Lindsay Wagner movie I taped for him and I’m sure he’s fairly eager to see it.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 1995 Between the two of us, we got a tremendous amount of work done. All by myself, I weeded the backyard. It wasn’t hard at all. I hosed down the gravel and dirt, dug the weeds loose with the shovel and pulled the weeds up by their roots. I planted a narcissus bulb that Tom got from his parents today. I don’t know if it’ll grow, though.

This morning Tom amazed me by arranging his room, sorting through stuff and getting rid of garbage. My job tomorrow will be to arrange his clothes in his dresser.

Today he made a hole in his room to the outside for the phone and cable wires. Next weekend, he’ll come from his room, through my wall, and into my room.

In a little while I’m gonna dust everything off and put stuff away, then take a shower. I desperately need to shower and wash my hair.

We did laundry today too, and aired this place out by the open window in his room and the front and back doors. The weather was nice and thank God it was peaceful out. They weren’t out next door and I’m sure they really heard the racket we made! Like I feel sorry for them after all the noise they’ve dumped on us?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 1995 Another Friday the 13th! Tom’s in the shower now and soon we’re going food shopping.

He tried to fix one of the tracks on my stereo that’s been sounding a little soft and fuzzy. However, it’s an unfixable old piece of shit. He did a little bit of weeding out front and later he’ll do it out back.

Today I’m sending out letters to Bob, Kim and my parents. I probably won’t be able to get letters from Minnie again, but I have not heard too much from Kim or Bob. Kim’s very busy and Bob’s either sick, having trouble getting stamps, or is too depressed. You know how he is.

Later Tom’s gonna go up in the attic to check out how he’s gonna string those wires.

Later…

We went food shopping and Tom went to pick up my Proventil.

It’s turning out to be a really nice day out there. I wish it were a bit warmer so I could get some color.

Later…

Tom made all his decisions on what he feels is the best way to string wires through here for audio, video and cable. The phones, too.

I went through the cookbook Ma sent and highlighted some stuff that looked interesting.

Tomorrow I’m gonna call Larry for his birthday and tomorrow I’ll mail out Lisa’s card and her $10 check.

I got a lot of mail today. A 1-page letter from Alex, a 4-page letter from Kim and an 8-page letter from Bob. Yup, Bob was having trouble getting stamps till his sister sent him some.

Tom and I swapped light fixtures. They needed to be cleaned and his was nicer looking.

He moved the motorcycle down the end of the garage where there’s lots of stuff and where the car never goes in and out. The motorcycle’s David’s and he’s picking it up for a friend to have this Wednesday at about 11 AM.

This may sound confusing and funny and may not make too much sense. It’s rather complex, but that’s what this book is for, isn’t it? Lovemaking has been no problem for me. There’s no pain or pressure. I even had no problem today when I was on top.

But his verbal desire to have a kid doesn’t go with his actions (sexually). Doesn’t he know that regardless of how much he’d prefer not to cum, he’s gonna have to in order for me to get pregnant? Doesn’t he know just how slim the chances are of me getting pregnant without him cumming? His dick goes from hard to semi-hard and back and forth like that. When he’s inside me he goes fast, but only occasionally and for a few seconds. He mainly goes very slowly.

A million ideas run through my head. He always goes to the bathroom before sex. Is there some secret thing he does in there that’ll stop or decrease my chances of getting pregnant if I can in the first place? Does he really have a problem he’s in denial about? He swears it has nothing to do with me and he apologized for blaming me, saying he had been too much of a wimp to admit it was him. He says he wants us to have a kid with confidence and isn’t nervous about being a father, but could he really have an underlying subconscious fear about it that’s preventing him from cumming? It just seems unnatural to not be nervous, even if you’ve got such tolerance and patience.

Later…

Tom cooked up some bacon and now he’s working on the computer.

I typed up all the letters I got. It sure goes faster that way, rather than when I write them in.

I have almost 30 NPN envelopes to give to Andy. He had told me he opened one to see what I put in them and that he mails them off slowly one by one. I’d really prefer it if he didn’t open any and if he’d mail them all at once. I wish there were a regular mailbox close by!

Tom just came in to see what I was doing. He’s gonna make a sandwich now but asked him what I should write on these last 26 pages.

He won’t let me read his journal yet on the second computer, saying he hasn’t written enough yet. I teased him by saying I cracked his secret code, found where he’s doing it, and read how he got it off with some guy in the backseat of his car on his lunch break at work.

Later…

I wrote that I was gonna call Larry tomorrow, but I meant Sunday.

Tom went to bed and I’m just about ready to do the same. Tomorrow I’ll type letters to Bob and Alex, but I may not send them off right away. I want to wait till we get more stamps. Maybe I’ll do a letter to Kim, Tammy and my parents again, too. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I hope Andy leaves me a message, letting me know when it’ll be a good time to get together. If not, at least exchange the stuff we have for each other. If I don’t see him 2-3 days before his birthday, I’ll mail him a card. I’ve already got one for him. That crayon can and Myst journal, he’ll get as close to his birthday as possible, but his birthday isn’t until February 15th.

Kim said she was cracking up over two things I said. When I told her to keep her tits crossed for me about my ear healing. You know, instead of keeping your fingers crossed.

Bob’s letter was depressing and corny, but what else is new?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 1995 Today’s been an interesting day so far. I finished the final document. Now he’ll consolidate it till he has more stuff for me to type up.

He put a couple of symbols like the degrees sign and fractions in the hotkeys.

We tried sending Marla a message, but she either ditched the service or changed her name to God knows what.

Today I got a porcelain doll named Jessie from the same people that sent me the doll that looks like Stevie when I lived next to Andy and that butch. That was a surprise cuz I ordered it several months ago, pretty sure I’d never get it as they usually want payments first. This one’s a little bigger and more realistic looking. It’s quite cute. This little girl’s kneeling down with her arm out to hold a white stuffed animal dog. The dog’s too big, though, and it’s kind of funny looking. Therefore, I stuck one of my mini koala bears in her hand. I decided while I was at it, to wash my older stuffed animals, as they’re filthy. I’m just hoping they don’t fall apart in the washer.

On top of that, the kitchen light blew out and then I almost walked into a small spider, coming down on its web over the sink.

Later…

Well, my stuffed animals made it through the washer and came out alive.

Yesterday Tom brought home this survey where you choose your reaction or feelings from most to least on certain questions. We both did it and today he’ll find out what it means in the class he’ll be going to. I made up the ones I wrote in. We guessed what each other would most likely and least likely do and then we agreed or disagreed with each other’s guesses.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11, 1995 I’ve sure been busy doing things and thinking about things. Instead of sending Bob bits and pieces of Norah’s story, I put them in a big envelope and sent them to him. I figured it’d also be a good way to kill off some of the old 29¢ stamps. I stuck 5 on it and I hope it gets to him OK.

Today I cooked up more mashed potatoes and also some spaghetti. I did laundry, put it out on the line, did dishes and cleaned the bathroom.

I still am a bit unsure of our sex lives and about having a kid. I believe him when he says he wants to have sex more often and have a kid. However, I don’t buy it when he says he didn’t fake the two times he said he came.

Last night he made a comment saying that raising a kid is a piece of cake if you let it be.

Yeah, right! That’s pretty unrealistic-sounding to me. It wouldn’t be easy. I still desire a child, but I don’t know. It all still seems so scary and overwhelming to me. I’m flattered that Tom has faith in me, or so he says, but I still can’t lie to myself about the fact that I’ll probably never be able to get pregnant in the first place.

I know Tom prefers not to cum, but whether it’s just that, or he’s got a problem, there’s also my DES to consider, so I don’t want to go getting my hopes up, despite my fears. Plus, I have to go by logic, patterns and statistics. Remember, I’m not 18, violent, fucked up on drugs and those are the ones that seem to have the kids.

I didn’t end up a singer or with a woman so why would I end up with a baby? While Arizona and Tom are my two biggest blessings, besides my abilities, I must remain realistic and not get too hopeful and too positive, as hard as that can be at times.

Yesterday I finished the Andy document and now I only have one left. It was originally to be the Lamaris document, but there already is a Lamaris document, so it’s now Andy.

Time for some of those smashed potatoes, as Andy and I call them.

Later…

I was gonna watch TV, but what was on waiting for me? More teenage pregnant losers. No thanks. So, what else can I tell this book right now? Nothing, I guess. So, I think I’ll go begin typing the final Maria document.

Later…

I changed my bed, aired the place out, took the clothes off the line and began the Maria doc.

I tried to call KHITS, the 70s station I’ve been listening to so I could request a song, but I either get a busy signal or non-stop ringing.

What a bummer. Just when we ordered new address labels, a catalog came today with tons of awesome labels. Ours are still nice enough, anyway. The rainbow labels with both our names came today. I got the metallic jewel tone labels and he got plain metallic. The colors are green, blue, gold, pink and purple.

Once again I can’t wait till it’s hot and I can go swimming. What may suck about when I am able to swim is the fact that I’ll probably need to stuff some putty or cram something into that new ear of mine. Sounds quite comfy.

I had to make an appointment for a hearing test at the regular Cigna building. I hope those headphones they put on aren’t excruciating. They’re pretty tight and even scrunched the good ear. That appointment’s for February 9th at 2:30, then at 4:30 that same day I see Dr. Nielsen. I also must see Nielsen again this month.

I wrote some more in that Myst game journal booklet I’m doing for Andy’s birthday. I had my binder with Norah’s story, so I flipped to any old page and began mixing some really funny sentences.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10, 1995 I am at the doctor’s office now, waiting to be vacuumed out once again.

I taped Andy’s movie last night and I left him a message telling him to let me know when he wants to pick it up. I’m also giving him some NPN envelopes as well as a magazine that sells Phase-Out.

Today I went to send Marla another message through AOL, but a message came up saying there was no such user. I don’t know if I screwed up or if she changed her name. On AOL I’m Mysterylin. Tom changed my name to Jodi S on Prodigy, so no more Jodi O!

Today I tie-dyed 4 T-shirts by myself after Tom left. They came out great. Better than the first two.

Tom put the Alabaster blinds up at the far end of the back room facing next door.

Later…

I’m back from Dr. Nielsen’s office and he’s still impressed saying it’s a true miracle. Now we’re down to having to do the peroxide every 3 days, the ointment every day, and the drops once a week. I don’t have to go back to see him till the 19th and I also have an appointment for February.

I’ve got to call Dr. Driscoll’s office tomorrow and try to reschedule a hearing test for the day of the February appointment. I’ll also call for refills on my Proventil and that’s when Tom will drop off the CAT scans.

Today I cooked us pork chops and made homemade mashed potatoes. It was boring and time-consuming, but it came out well.

MONDAY, JANUARY 9, 1995 Yesterday had to be one of the busiest days of my life. Would you believe me if I said I typed up 1 whole journal? Well, I did! I worked on it on and off for 12 hours or so.

I also edited down my 3 oldies tapes. I grouped the best songs together and cut out the stuff I didn’t want.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 8, 1995 In about 50 minutes Tom will be getting up. He works 8 hours for the next 5 days.

He left me a few video messages on the computer that was really cool.

Last night I talked to Andy again. His job’s going well and he’s doing much better. The only not-so-cool thing he mentioned that I’m not sure I wrote about, is the couple that moved in above him. He says they’re very noisy all the time. They’re possibly on crystal meth which is supposed to keep you awake. Again, I can’t say I feel sorry for him. Not after living with him and next to him and knowing how much noise of his own he produces.

Got another message yesterday from this Bernie O in L.A., wondering if we were related. Well, we’re not as far as I know.

We went to the art store yesterday and got wind chimes, T-shirts and silk flowers. We haven’t got the dye yet to tie-dye these shirts yet. We’re also gonna get wire mesh soon to begin making an arc of flowers in the living room/kitchen doorway.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 1995 I forgot to mention that when we were last at the doctor’s office, they gave us a huge envelope containing my CAT scans. Tom’s gonna drop them off at one of their offices. Anyway, I looked at the CAT scans and I wonder how the hell anyone can read and make sense of them.

Earlier I spent a couple of hours sorting through papers and filing them into the file box. I have never known anyone to have so many fucking papers! I just hope he keeps up on anything I did, doesn’t re-trash areas I cleaned and straightened, throws things away that are garbage, and puts stuff that he uses back where it came from.

In the meantime, the bathroom, kitchen, living room and my room are always easy to keep up on and never get as bad as the back room.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6, 1995 I typed this to Larry:

What I’m about to tell you may sound strange, but I believe in communication, so people understand each other better. It may piss you off, but I hope not and I’ll take my chance cuz it’s your right to know. You mentioned giving Jenny my number and I don’t know if you’ve given it to her or whether or not she said she’d call or not. Anyway, after we hung up and the idea had a chance to sink in, I thought about it and decided I don’t think it’s a wise idea for us to have any contact with each other. If I ran into her on a visit there or she called before you got this letter, fine, I can be cool about it and that’s no problem. Before I get into why let me back up. I’m the first one to admit I was a bitch who did some raunchy things, but stuff was also done to me. I’m living proof that people can change, am not the same person I used to be, and I’m sure she’s learned a lot like I have since we were last friends. She is a good person, I don’t hate her, and I wish her all the luck in the world. I hope she has a great life. My attitude for a year or so after our friendship ended and she became friends with you was that she was a traitor. Then I came to realize that everyone has a right to pick their own friends. I made a promise to myself that I would like very much to keep. You’re the only one that walked out of my life that I’ve taken back into my life. Of course, if you were to kiss me farewell again, that’s it forever. I lost you both at the most critical time of my life when I needed you the most and was going through major transitions in life. Yes, you were right, I still succeeded and did what I had to do, even though I was terrified of people, dumped them left and right figuring they’d dump me and was broke and starving, scraping pennies and on food stamps for the longest time. I guess what it basically comes down to is I feel like you feel about Tammy. She’s a good person, I wish her well, but there’s nothing to say to each other at this point. I hope you’ll understand and respect my feelings like I will about you and Tammy. I just wouldn’t know what to say. Go ahead and read this to her or show this to her if you want and that way she’s not left hanging, but truthfully, I can��t picture her wanting to talk to me either.

Later…

Well, today’s the day two years ago in 1993 when I became a dancer. An exotic one, anyhow.

Yesterday morning I couldn’t fall asleep till around 9:30 and Tom got me up at 3:30. Boy, was I tired!

Anyway, good news about my doctor’s appointment. His exact words to me were, “Jodi, I have good news for you. The skin graft is healing.”

He said he was very shocked and called it a miracle. He says it’s still wise to remain pessimistic, though, as there’s still a slight chance I’ll need another skin graft. Oh yeah? I intend to surprise him on this one. I’ve had about 18-19 operations in my life and I don’t care to make it an even 20.

As far as getting into the letter I did for Larry - well - there’s not much to really get into. Those are my true feelings. I have nothing to say to her and have no desire to be either local or long-distance friends with her. I highly doubt this will piss Larry off, but if it does - too bad. I really hope he gets this letter before she calls, even though I’m 99% sure she won’t call. What would she want to say to me as well? I’m sure our feelings are mutual (mine and Jenny’s).

At around 7:00 last night I fell asleep till 11:00. I sure didn’t expect to be able to do that, but I sure needed it. Obviously, no one came or went during those hours from next door.

I talked with Andy and then Andy with his friend Goofy on the line. Andy went to bed at 6 AM.

Tom did a little shopping yesterday. In the back room, there are two sets of double windows and a single one. The one in between the back room and the room where the dryer is doesn’t need blinds, so I’m gonna leave it bare. It has translucent contact paper on it which won’t look funny. Plus, I can easily decorate it. He got cameo rose and slate blue for the double set directly in back, but forgot blinds for the single side window which he’ll pick up today. Probably today we’ll wash the windows and put up the blinds. I can’t wait to junk the old ugly curtains that have been there for no doubt many years.

He also got a toothbrush holder and a razor holder which I installed. Lastly, clear spray paint for my wall art.

Oh, I almost forgot. There are two leaks in the roof over the back room, so he got stuff to fix it. Luckily the roof over the rest of the house is new and in good condition.

I have 6 letters going out today to my parents, Kim, Bob, Minnie and Alex.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 1995 I completed and printed out Journal 32 on purple paper. Now I’ve got a total of 47 journals typed up and they all total 492 pages. I also started the Eileen document.

I got a couple more good oldies recorded, but boy was I pissed at one point! If I remember right, there’s a song called Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jackson. I tried to get it from KOOL, but they didn’t have it. I had stopped typing for a while and turned off the radio there in the back room when I decided to watch TV. When I returned to do more typing, I turned on the radio and that song was just ending. Well, at least I know they have the song, and I plan on calling sometime to make some requests.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4, 1995 I got up late today and haven’t done too much today. I typed more of Journal 32, put away my laundry, typed in a letter I got from Bob today, watched TV, and listened to music.

Tom sure came home horny. We screwed and he went down on me as you can see by the chart (chart not in file). He got up a little while ago and he’s now playing the Myst game.

Well, the smaller silver journal from Marjorie is now my official sketchbook. I did several drawings in it throughout the night.

Later…

Boy, is tomorrow’s appointment gonna be hard waking up for! I probably won’t fall asleep till 9 AM-noon and I’ve got to get up at 3 PM.

Tom picked up some generic stamps today, as they haven’t printed the 32¢ stamps yet.

Tom’s doing the two things he does 99% of the time he’s home. The computer and the TV.

I checked over next week’s TV guide which we got today. Norah’s nowhere to be found.

Earlier I took a bath and shaved. I did my hair yesterday which is in very shitty condition. It needs a good trim and a very serious mayonnaise treatment. The treatment will have to wait until I no longer have to worry about getting water in my ear. The trim may get done this weekend.

Well, now I’m gonna go do some computer work.

MONDAY, JANUARY 2, 1995 I had a lot more notes to write last night, but I was way too tired.

We looked up Marla’s membership on America Online. Andy told me last night that she’s using the name Silvercty. She wanted to be Silvercity, but someone else already has that name. Someone else already had Mystery, so I’m using Mysterylin. I sent her a letter and will let you know when I get a response.

As for the Norah movies, well, I wasn’t missing anything from Local Hero. This was her first movie and she only had a few parts. So, when the cable went out the first time I recorded it, it did so when she had no scenes. She looked horrible in Deadly Game. Great body, great outfit, but her hair was short and pitiful. Her face looked OK, but she does look older.

I talked to Andy earlier and I told him I’d let him know when I hear from Marla.

Tomorrow, we’re going shopping and Tom says he’s starting a journal on the second computer that I never use. He said I can read it after a few days to a week which will give him time to get a writing style. I never got that myself till after several journals. I still misspell words and change things around, too.

I recorded 2 movies for Tom and I’ve got 3 others I taped last night. This will be good for any moments of boredom I may have.

I was really bummed when I went to go play the Myst game after Tom crashed just to get a message telling me the computer couldn’t find it. Why I don’t know. I saw Tom install it yesterday, the disk is in the proper drive and Tom was playing it earlier.

I want to check out of here for a little while to go watch TV, as well as maybe do some other stuff on the computer.

Later…

My God, I don’t believe it! What luck we had shopping earlier tonight. We went to the Metro Center mall which was mobbed. Tom got a computer game and some strange wire that he just told me is called a joystick Y cable. A joystick is used to play computer games, but to me it sounds like a sex toy.

We got a little CD rack that holds 20 CDs that is in the back room. There are mostly computer programming and game CDs there, but we also have a few with music.

We got pretty pastel-colored computer paper. They came with matching envelopes, but I didn’t get them cuz we have enough envelopes around here.

I got vanilla bean lotion and ballet slippers. The ballet slippers are a little different as there’s no strap across the top of the foot. I may stitch a strap onto it. I haven’t decided yet.

Got birthday cards for my niece Lisa and Andy.

Now for the ultimate catch of tonight’s shopping. I got 4 journals and 3 of them are awesome! Their covers are these silver dazzling effects. They shimmer in the light and reflect different colors when you move them around like prisms. I always wondered what was taking them so long to make these journal covers. They make plenty of notepad covers like this. Along with #’s 17, 18, 19, 31, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69, 71 and a few others, they’re top of the line as far as all my journals go. The 4th one I got I picked out not cuz it’s pretty, but cuz it’s so different and I never expected to find it. Against a royal blue background, it’s got menorahs, stars of David, dreidels and other kinds of stars. The colors in them are gold, white, and royal blue. I’m now beginning the 4th shelf of journals on my bookcase.

Tom said he began his journal on the computer and he checked on AOL, but I have no mail from Marla yet.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 1, 1995 I would’ve written sooner, but I just had to begin 1995 by listening to music.

I spoke to Andy a little over an hour ago. He’s having a friend over. Some guy they call Goofy.

Tom crashed shortly before 10:00 and we were wrong about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He said it varies from year to year. Obviously, it does, cuz from 11:35 to midnight our time they showed Times Square and FL. It’s taped, though, naturally. It was really pouring in NYC and was 38º.

I heard more firecrackers around here than last year. I was even surprised that they did something next door. They were only out there a minute or two and all I saw was one little kid. I don’t know if they set off any firecrackers or not or went anywhere, but I really appreciated the fact that they didn’t constantly run their van. Anyway, I’m not gonna get into a major discussion about our very weird neighbors.

I’m looking forward to 1995 being fun and productive. God, I hope there are no tragedies or any major regrets. If we do have a kid, I hope to hell I survive it and don’t regret having the kid. I agree with Tom in that I’m gonna not listen to all those horror stories of having a kid and being a mom. I’m gonna listen to myself. I’m still terrified, though, but we’re gonna do whatever we want to do and whatever we can do.

I’m using that journal that came with the computer game to write a birthday journal for Andy whose birthday is February 15th. If I remember correctly, he’ll be 33.

My ear’s itching right at the opening where the incision was made, so I’m gonna go put some ointment on it.

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suzyqrara · 7 months ago

Text

05/31/2024

How I wish my phone conversation went with my dad.

“Hello”

“Hey Pa, how are you?”

“Hey babygirl, Im hanging in there how are you doing?”

“ Doing good! Sorry I couldn’t pick up the phone yesterday, I was working at the grocery store.”

“It’s ok, I know you were probably busy. I was calling to see if you wanted to come down today for Memorial Day, you and Mason. Your sister and her family will be coming over for some burgers and it would be nice to have you guys there too.

“That sounds nice, Mason is with mom because I needed someone to watch Mason yesterday. I am going to pick him up and I need to figure out dinner for the week.”

“Stop by for some lunch at least? We will have burgers.”

“ I’ll see pa, I cant make any promises.”

“Ok, I understand. How is the jobs going?”

“Grocery job is ok and Drexel job is fine too. I cant complain. How is work going for you?”

“A job is a job. I requested them to give me three days a week but for some reason they are giving me 4. But it will be nice to get the extra money so I am not complaining. How is Mason this week?

“Mason is fine, but we did lose a rabbit this week. I have been ore sad then Mason but he is sad as well. “

“ I’m so sorry to hear that. It is very hard losing a pet. I remember when Mona died. I didn’t know what to do with the emotions I was feeling. Are you ok?”

“ I’m ok now, I felt very sad the last few days. The rabbit died on Thursday.”

“ I’m so sorry. More reason for you to come over today to be with your family so we can hug you and show you love. I know you like pinkie, I'll buy a big jug just for you.”

“Thanks Pa. But I don't know if I can today.”

“What happened, are you ok to talk about it?”

Alla explains what happened.

“Wow, rabbits are very sensitive. Im so sorry babygirl. If you need anything let me know.”

“ Thank you pa, I am ok. Today I have a few things to do so Ill be keeping busy.”

“Alright love. I will call sometime this week to check in with you. Maybe we can plan to have a dinner or lunch together soon. Call me if you need anything this week.”

“Sounds good, pa.”

“Love ya”

Bye.

Writing this fantasy conversation made me realize I want my dad to show me love. Nicknames like babygirl, love ya. Anything in the conversation to make me feel like I am talking to my father and not some old stranger. It also relieved me to hear fantasy updates on Ellen. She has a family. They are going to do something together on a holiday. My dad can cook burgers. My dad is sending me his condolences in a way that makes me feel warm inside. Not joking about how now I can make soup with my rabbit’s dead body or reminding me in detail what happened with Mona and how he didn’t do anything to help us bring the cat to the vet. It reminded me how I paid for the cremation for Ellen and she never even said thank you. Memories of how stupid the family is.

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r4dio-b0y · 8 months ago

Text

#4, 16/04/2024

Hello. So you can listen to the radio silence...

I found her. And she found me. At the right time, in the right way. Not in the platonic sense, like we always were. In the romantic.

The kind of love I craved for so so long, until I stopped. Not just with that, you know? I stopped expecting things. I stopped expecting the good, the best, of people, and started seeing the worst. The bad, the wicked, the terrifying.

I was nine at the time.

And time passed, like it always does.

I started hoping for a diagnosis. I started hoping for someone to tell me what the hell was wrong with me. Because, let's be honest, there is something wrong.

For the longest time, I thought I was sick. Deeply, wrongly sick. I couldn't feel the same things other people did. I didn't cry at the sad films, at the museums with the war expositions. I didn't laugh at the funny jokes everyone was laughing at.

I started thinking that maybe I wasn't build to love.

And I started being ok with that. All of a sudden, in a subtle way, the realization came. That intense, soul-fullfiling love I craved since I was a little kid suddenly wasn't what I wanted anymore.

Nah. I wanted you, angel.

I've had this big homosexual fruity crush on you for the longest time. But I did not had the guts to tell you. After everything that happened in your life — not only relationship wise —, I knew you needed me as a different thing. You needed me as your boy. Your friend. The person who gives you life.

So I swallowed all of it, as I realized there was no one who could kiss away what I felt for you.

(By the way, let me just add a lil footnote here !! This line, right up here, is a reference to this one song that made me think of you the most. I'm actually going to learn it on guitar soon hahah. Anyways, it's called "Paul", by Big Thief, and I think you'll might want to check it out)

And then, that Friday — (pretty sure it was a Friday, if not, then it was a Thursday) — night happened.

I was awoken by my mom, at night. She said she wanted to talk to me, and, for some reason, I knew exactly what it was they found out about.

You.

My dad was home too. They both said they found a "strange message" at my phone, and that they were hoping I could explain it to them.

I broke.

I had a panic attack. And not like any other — if I ever did have any before that — panic attack. I almost threw up. I could barely breathe. My heart raced. I was shaking.

The moment I finished telling them I had an online "friend" — you're so much more than a friend, but shhhh, cuz I couldn't tell them that — they immediately told me you were a p3do. They told me that there were certain things about the sexuality of adults I did not understood.

Of course it was that load of cr4p, but I was scared. I was so scared, and here's the part that makes me the most ashamed: I wasn't even scared for you, as I should be.

So I lied, angel. I lied about so many things. I lied that you send me weird things, that I wasn't being myself when I talked to you, that I didn't like our horny jokes, everything.

Maybe that's why it took me so long to contact you. I was scared that, if you knew the truth, would you even want me back?

But I think you do. I might be wrong, but I think you do. I think you love me almost as much as I love you.

And I think you want to be my girlfriend, just like I want to be your boyfriend.

And, hear me out, it's like you said. We don't always get what we want. And I think I'm ok with that. We'll talk less from now on, considering I can't be online as much as I used to be. We can't call or make that movie date like we wanted to.

But we'll be together.

Lovely together.

oh crap, this got long. that's it. I got a sore throat. bye.

— silence.

@mysaturnsrings

#idk words #idk #radio #silence.#oh well #idk. idk.#writing #okay yeah #words words words #confession #yayayay #i think #hooray

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anxiouspregnantlady · 1 year ago

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bye bye baby

i think i've been afraid to write here, to make it feel real, but last thursday we had our u/s and discovered a 6+4 sac with a yolk sac (maybe an amniotic sac??? i think?) and - no baby. of course i feel grief & anger & numbness but also - the relief is unreal. it feels good to know.

so many thoughts.

i'll start with technical things... finally got an hcg done on sat and it was 15499 so more consistent with 6w. waiting on monday's value. had another ultrasound this morning and the sac shrank perhaps ever so slightly but otherwise same. they were (in my opinion) unreasonably concerned about ectopic b/c of a cyst on my right ovary but i always have a cyst on my right ovary and i'm not medical but .uh. isn't that the corpus luteum (also i happen to know that i ovulated from the right).

care-wise. i continue to be so grateful for LWC midwives, they have been absolutely lovely. both u/s techs have been ok. there is apparently a NP midwife at LWC who expressly does early pregnancy loss stuff (!) so i have felt medically taken care of.

i had an itch to want to see if i could do tissue testing on the miscarriage but am probably leaning away from it - too much trouble, worried about scarring, worried about billing (esp without good health insurance). i'll just never know.

i have a strong suspicion that an embryo did form this time, we just caught it too late and it had already stopped developing & had been reabsorbed. i was quite nauseous (still a bit nauseous) & we didn't get a yolk sac last time. and there looked to me like there was an amniotic sac, though it was empty. and it's just a hunch.

i've been so tired, both jetlagged but also just grief. at 5-6 pm i lose the ability to stay awake entirely. you couldn't pay me enough money to stay awake. i just lose consciousness wherever i am. and again after p "puts me to bed" at 8pm i cannot get myself out of bed and sleep for 15, 30, 45 minutes. And then when midnight rolls around i absolutely cannot sleep, i take melatonin, baths, etc. and p has been up at weird hours anyway, crying mama, mama, mama.

showing up to work has been ... well, it's been a miracle that i have been. i did cancel a thursday night appointment after the u/s but other than that i've been fudging my way through, trying not to let show how raw and bruised and completely depleted i am.

k has been wonderful. he is keeping me going. p somewhat understands what is happening. yesterday during bath she announced she had a baby in her belly, and then plucked it out and said she was putting it in mama's belly. she knows mama is going to the doctor a lot and always asks if i am still hurting. i told her the baby is gone. i don't know how to walk this line between being honest with her and protecting her. i kind of think that she must understanding the workings of embryonic life/nonlife better than me, being that much more proximate developmentally/spiritually. only a few years ago she was also in the womb! but she is generally still her happy, curious, thriving little self, and we keep thinking how depressed we would be without her.

sigh.

it was too good to be true.

i only asked the universe for one more baby.

i think, maybe even more than wanting to have this baby, i wanted to never ever ever have to fucking go through this again.

(but i did really want to have this baby)

i am back in the world of Not Knowing. i don't know how many more pregnancies i will have or how many tries it will take to have those pregnancies, or how many weeks each of the pregnancies will last. i still don't know! why! my! body! can't! carry most pregnancies to term!

k thinks maybe we were just too sick and stressed from all kinds of bugs (including covid) and from the 40 hours of travel and 13hr timezone changes and his loss of employment and loss of insurance. and that's why we miscarried. i don't think the line is so clear, but i think one big takeaway from this whole thing is: i need mothering. in my desire to mother another child (and in my struggle to mother the one i already have), i sorely need mothering. i need a warm, generous, wise, and proximate figure to be keeping tabs on me - i need to be on their radar - i need their hugs, hot drinks, meals, nurture, comfort, advice, solace, confidence, life experience.

so my body is still clinging to this pregnancy (coming up on 9 weeks), and i suspect it will be awhile before I start bleeding. maybe christmas.

and then?

and then we are definitely going to take a break. there is (just a bit) less hurry this time - we have our hands full - and i do want to develop some better habits re: nourishing myself, caring for myself. i've barely eaten in the past 5 weeks. and anyway we are going to wait for k to get a job and new health insurance, and we are focusing on some other dreams too.

and then i want to do a bit of testing, maybe a hysteroscopy/endometrial biopsy, a few clotting tests that we missed, re-check my thyroid, etc. have a WTF appointment w dr. kelly/make a plan.

and then we'll see. immediately after i got the news i felt strongly that i could never go through this again, or risk going through again. i felt that we would just have to walk the path of accepting that we were done growing our family. it felt good to be like, HELL yah we won't contribute to overpopulation or subject our unborn child to this mess. but that doesn't really resonate... i still really want to try. to have a child and to raise them so that it is worth it.

so many things hurt about this. hella everyone is pregnant or giving birth. i hate the dejavu with our first pregnancy, feels stuck/stagnant & like we are destined to be in and out of sad ultrasound appointments. feel like we wasted our trip.

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jewelysmith · 1 year ago

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August 17th, 2023.

I woke up at around 5 am with some period-like cramps, aka contractions. They were spaced out pretty far, so I was dozing back to sleep in between. Once I got up I started to have diarrhea, so I thought ok, today's probably the day! The day before I was feeling pretty crampy, so I wasn't super surprised to be having these other symptoms. I took a picture of myself in the mirror because I just felt like it was the last day I would be pregnant.

I got Eliana around for school, but by the time we needed to be out waiting for the bus, she had to poop. So I had to run out to the bus when it got there, and tell the driver that I was going to take her. Thankfully, we live super close to her school. While in the huge car line, I had a contraction. I had started to keep track of how close together they were, and they were still only about 15 minutes apart, 10 minutes at the closest.

I got her off to school and went back home, threw some laundry in the washer and then decided to lay down. I was trying not to let myself get anxious, and I also knew if today was the day I needed some rest. I had a scheduled chiropractor appointment at 10:20, and was still debating on going. I thought maybe that would help somehow? But decided probably around 9:30 to just call and cancel. I told whoever answered the phone that I thought I was in early labor and she said something like, 'well that's not a very good excuse.' Lol.

Nick normally would have been at work because it was a Thursday, but he happened to be home this day. Reason being, he had just had a thrombosed hemorrhoid removed two days before, and so his boss let him work from home. Timing wise, this was a big blessing! I let him know that I was having some contractions, but I don't think he thought I was very serious about it. Still trying to track how far apart the contractions were, I kept debating on whether to tell my mother-in-law, Danita, to come over, because she was who was going to care for Eliana. Nick told me to give him enough time to take a shower before we had to leave. I was like, uh ok... Who knows how to time this stuff?

Eliana's bus came at 11:35. I went out to get her and before she even left her seat, I could tell she didn't feel well. I asked her if she wanted to sit down on the couch with me and she did, so I was okay with having a little more time to rest. I grabbed the thermometer and she was running a little bit high.

We were sitting there about 10 minutes when I felt a pretty strong 'pop' down low in my belly. My first thought was 'geez, that was a weird kick, baby.' But then once I moved a little bit there was a small gush of fluid. I felt a little bit panicked but immediately got up and went to the bathroom and told Nick, "I think my water just broke."

He looked at me like um are you sure? He sat there and finished his phone call, and I was looking at him from the bathroom like hello? Gross detail: I don't know if it was the amniotic sack itself, but a rather large slimy thing came out. At the end of the call I heard him say "well, my wife said her water broke so..." When he got off the phone he wanted to see proof; he didn't believe me at first because he didn't see a ton of fluid everywhere.

I texted Danita and asked her to come over. Nick got up to get in the shower, and while getting some of his things around came to me and said "I'm excited! Are you excited?" And gave me a kiss. And I was like "....I mean yeah." Lol. The contractions were picking up a little so I was internally panicking. He just kept wanting to talk and I had to tell him, "ok, just get in the shower!"

Eliana had crashed on the couch and when Danita got there, Nick said to go ahead and get in the car. He woke Eliana up to say goodbye but I never really said bye to her. I wanted her to sleep because she didn't feel good, but I was also in a rush to leave. As we were putting things in the car Nick said, "You drivin'?" with a big smirk. And I definitely gave him an eye roll but was still able to laugh about it.

He was so excited and started playing some music, which he doesn't usually do. It was more distracting to me but I didn't care too much. The contractions started to pick up in frequency and in intensity. I reached back to my labor bag and grabbed out one of the combs. I heard about how it was helpful to squeeze on a comb and focus on a different pain. I also turned the seat heater on which was helping, so I asked Nick if he would plug in the heating pad right away when we got there. He asked if I was okay and if I would make it 30 minutes. I said yes thinking, I mean yeah, we have plenty of time. I also called the Parkview Women and Children's Hospital, told them who my Dr. was, and let them know my water broke and I was on the way. I remember thinking it was odd that they didn't ask for my name or anything. Looking back that would have been helpful.

It was pouring rain almost the entire drive, but once we got there it stopped almost completely. Nick dropped me off at the door, entrance 2C, so that I wouldn't have to walk very far. He grabbed out our bags and put them on the ground for me. Apparently thinking I'm fine, I grabbed the bags and went in. The second I got inside, a contraction came. They were definitely now at the point where I couldn't walk or talk through them. So I grabbed onto the wall just inside so that I could breathe through it. With the contraction, also came another big splash of fluid on my shorts and on the floor. There was a couple leaving right when I was coming in and the woman asked me if I was okay. And I said, "Yeah, I think I'm in labor.... Actually no, I'm in labor." Exact words. 🤣 She grabbed my bags for me and walked with me to the check-in desk. She told the lady there, "She's in labor and..." and pointed to my shorts. There were other people sitting around and saw what I'm sure looked like me having just peed my pants. Definitely the most embarrassing moment of the day, but I only half cared with how much pain I was in. I'm sure with my huffing and puffing and giant belly, they probably realized what was going on!

The check-in desk lady grabbed a wheelchair for me to sit in and started asking me some questions. I kept looking at the door waiting for Nick to come in. I was still able to give her the information she needed, but it was getting harder to talk. Nick was trying to help answer things for me once he got there, and he had to sign a few papers for me. He hugged me through a contraction while we were sitting there, and had to remind me after it was done to not breathe too fast and hyperventilate. That really helped me focus and slow down. I told him at that point that I wrote him a note, one I planned for him to read while I was in labor.

The labor and delivery nurse, I assume, finally came and took us to what I assume is like a triage room to check me. Before getting on the bed so they could, I had another contraction. I was standing and holding on to the bed breathing through it, and more amniotic fluid spilled out, all over the floor and my shoes. I remember apologizing a few times for the huge mess I was making, and everyone told me it was ok. She asked me to take down my shorts and Nick had to help me. I had no underwear on, and I was definitely at the point of not really caring who saw what. She mentioned that I was obviously in labor, and she didn't need to do the swab to see if it was amniotic fluid, she could just test what was on the floor. I looked down and in all the fluid was some blood and goo. The nurses were getting things around and Nick asked if I wanted him to read the note now. And I sat and thought about it for a minute, thinking we would have time once we got to a delivery room, but I said yeah go ahead and read it now.

They had me lie down on the bed so they could check my cervix, and Nick had already plugged in the heating pad and got it on the bed so it would be on my lower back. It was really helpful. He also found the bottles of essential oil I brought and held the lavendar one up to my nose, and even picked up the comb that I had dropped and got it back to me. He was already being such a good labor support person! They had me lay back and someone checked.

Major highlight of the day:

Nurse: were you hoping to get an epidural?

Me: No.

Nurse: Good, cause you're at like a nine.

I was looking up at the ceiling and my jaw completely dropped, I was shocked! I knew it was getting intense but didn't think I'd be that far dilated already. I was so relieved. Nick made the comment that it was almost "go time," the same phrase he used when I was in labor with Eliana and made me yell at him. 😂

Nick was so excited and I could sense a little more of a rush from the nurses there. One of them told me, "well you're doing really good for being at 9!" Nick had asked about a squat bar on the bed because he knew I wanted that. I had also spoken to the birth planner at the hospital about it. They said they were going to look for one. They got ahold of my doctor and helped get me back in the wheelchair to go to a delivery room. In trying to move me, the nurse bumped the wheelchair into the bed. Not a huge deal but not comfortable! I have no idea how long it took to get to this room at all, or what part of the hospital we were in. I was at the point of being out of it and only focusing on breathing. When we got there the nurse bumped the chair into the bed AGAIN. I was like bro!

They got me onto the bed and mentioned they didn't know where any squat bars were. With every contraction I was feeling a lot of downward pressure. Nick was pressing on my lower back with his fist and hugging me through each contraction, which helped. My face was by his head, and I was breathing in so deeply and trying to just focus on the smell of his hair. My doctor got there and was asking about where she could find scrubs. Apparently everything was just not where it should be that day or something. I was on the bed on my knees and feeling soo much pressure. My doctor checked me and said I was "almost complete." I assume meaning completely dilated. So she said if I was ready to start pushing I could.

I initially wanted to be able to push in a position other than on my back, and Nick knew this. So he kept asking about the squat bar and if I could be in another position. I was just sitting there on my knees breathing hard, feeling like this baby was coming really soon. And the doctor gave me all this medical jargon about why it would be a better idea to deliver on my back, something about the babys shoulders, evidence-based research, blah blah blah. I didn't hear much of what she said honestly. And I just wasn't in a mood to fight so I said it's fine, I'll just lay on my back. And Nick asked me if I was sure because he wanted me to have what I wanted, which I really appreciated. But I just felt like this is going to happen really soon and I don't even care how it happens.

Once I laid back a nurse said she was going to put in an IV, and instead of saying okay, I was breathing deeply for a second and said, "I don't care." Looking back that probably seemed rude. But in the state that I was in, I didn't care about much. I was just trying to breathe and not lose it.

The lights were on and everyone was in position, and I was able to start pushing. Everything was happening so fast but it also felt like slow motion. I kept trying to look at the clock to see how long things were taking, but it was like I couldn't even comprehend what time it was.

With the bars I was able to hold on to and the angle I was in, I still felt at least like I was semi-upright so that was good. I had a few pretty weak pushes at first. And then my doctor told me to wait until the peak of a contraction to start pushing and try to push for 10 seconds. At first I was only making it to about five before I gave up. At some point she had Nick be the one to count to 10 because she thought I was doing better that way, which he later said he felt weird about, but he kept counting!

I'm not sure when, but they got the baby's heart rate monitor on me, it may have been in the triage room. After a few pushes I asked if his heart rate was ok, and they said it was good! However after one of my contractions when I got to rest, the doctor said that his heart rate dipped a little bit. She said that was normal for them when coming through the canal, and told me just to take a couple of deep breaths. I tried so hard to calm myself and breathe, and his heart rate went right back up.

After that, I was pretty determined to push this kid out. I was able to push for the entire count to 10, and I started to feel him crowning. I think I was keeping it together pretty well until this moment. I let out a yell and said "I don't think I can do it!" And they all immediately assured me, "yes you can!" "you're so close!" They should have said, 'too late dummy, you have to!'

It's amazing how you forget how bad the pain of the baby's head coming out is. The memory of Eliana's birth came flooding back. I pushed through the pain with everyone's encouragement helping a lot. The Dr. told me she could see the baby had lots of hair, and Nick said he saw it too. She had me reach down to feel his head, and honestly I don't really know if I felt it or not. The next push after that was the worst, I screamed through it and his head was out!

It felt like after his head was out the rest of him just slid out, but Nick told me later that the Dr. had really pulled him out. She plopped him on my belly, and there was my baby! I held onto him and kept saying, "oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" and I cried. It's funny how they say the pain kind of goes away at that moment, but it really does.

Nick took some photos, of which were a bit graphic because he wasn't paying attention to what all was in the frame. So these have been cropped, you're welcome.

I did skin to skin time with him right away and Nick texted our family to let him know he was here. I got a chance to nurse him with a lactation consultant nearby and even though it wasn't as magical as I had imagined, he did take to it pretty quickly! I asked how long it took to push him out, and a nurse looked at when I started and when he was born, 13 minutes! I knew it was fast but it didn't seem that fast. My sister-in-law, Jessica, video called me and asked me questions about the birth, I remember her telling me "Julie, you're a badass!" And one of the nurses heard it and agreed. 😂

We were asked what his name was, and even though we still hadn't officially decided, we went back to literally the only name we had both liked. But we said it as a question. "Dominic?" He tried to get me to agree to the middle name of "Pablo," what he had been calling him my whole pregnancy, and I was like 🤦🏻‍♀️

Dominic Paul. Dominic meaning "belonging to God," Paul after the apostle Paul.

The note that I had written Nick was basically me telling him how safe he had made me feel during Eliana's birth, and that I needed his support again. And he definitely came through! I had also written that because of the circumstances with Eliana's birth, I had zero clue how this one would go, that it could take a take long time and to bare with me if it did. Thankfully we didn't need to worry about that! He came fast and I'm so thankful for how smoothly it all went; and thankful for a healthy, sweet baby boy. 💙

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