#ok after some googling i have realised this phrase is not as common as i thought

[gatefleet]

Ghost of the Past

CrossingLines: Sebastian Berger, CL Team

WordCount: 1,635 (Can you tell this one got slightly out of hand?)

T(W): Hospital, Abduction, Swearing, Funeral, Death

Request: Yes, “Hi, may I please request a fic for Sebastian Berger from Crossing Lines? Maybe Reader's a former girlfriend he meets when she joins the team and realizes he still has feelings for her, or he comforts her after she had been taken hostage and they end up kissing? Hope this is ok, thanks anyway" - @thetempleofthemasaigoddess

A/N: Can I just say that I LOVED writing this. Our German dork doesn't get enough love, I also may have gotten a little out of hand with this one ^^; - Hope it's what you were looking for! My German is extremely limited so I had to use Google translate for phrasing, apologies if it reads weird or doesn't make sense.

You had been given an impromptu invitation to join a Major Louis Daniel at the International Criminal Court in The Hague, with a very vague job offer. One you had accepted and asked for the start date. You were a linguist with a speciality in Eastern European Languages and some of the more common European languages, something which attracted both Major Daniel and Prosecutor Dorn to your work as an officer, what made them reach out to offer you a position on the team they were assembling. You knew nothing about any of the other officers they had reached out to or the ones who accepted the job. You had come in earlier than the others, but not earlier than Dorn who met you with a kind smile and offered you a seat as you were putting down your ‘go bag’. You smiled back and introduced yourself, instinctively holding out your hand to shake his, he took it gladly and gave you a warm handshake.

You were closely followed into the room by a youngish brunette male who introduced himself as ‘Tommy McConnell’ – very distinctively Irish. You made a mental note to keep track of the nationalities you would be working with. A blonde female ‘Sienna Pride’ was next to enter and introduce herself – English. A young dark-haired female then entered the room with a red-haired female, ‘Anne-Marie San’ – French, ‘Eva Vittoria’ – Italian. You were about to ask about Major Daniel when you heard a very distinctive German accent enter the room with apologies about potentially being late. You closed your eyes briefly and took a couple of breaths to calm yourself before turning around. The German was exactly who you believed it would be ‘Sebastian Berger’, he was busy introducing himself to those that were currently standing and faltered when he got to yourself.

“You two know each other or somethin’?” The Irishman wasn’t slow in picking up on the awkward realisation between yourself and Sebastian.

“Something like that,” was Sebastian’s response with a lopsided grin and, dear god, had you forgotten how that accent (and that smile) made you weak in the knees. You faked a cough to break the tension and sat down again, Sebastian sat in the chair behind you, Tommy in a chair near the back with Eva and Anne-Marie had picked the one at the head of the table while Sienna picked the one opposite yourself.

Michel Dorn was introducing himself and the reason for the team when Major Daniel appeared with a scruffy looking male at his heels. “Apologies for the late arrival team, this is Detective Carlton Hickman, he will be joining us” the Major gestured toward the Detective who was looking at the floor, almost ashamed. “Please, Dorn, continue,” Major Daniel apologised and gestured for Dorn to continue. You tried to focus on what Dorn was saying and not the fact that Sebastian was behind you, tried to shake the intrusive thoughts of his breath on the back of your neck that you once loved, you gave your head a gentle shake and began to stand when you noticed everyone else was beginning to move.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were standing in a cemetery in England, dressed in black with the rest of the team. Sebastian had his arm around your shoulder, and you stared blankly at the hole in the ground which your friend and colleague was about to be lowered into. Tommy had taken the loss hard, angry at himself for not seeing it coming. When the priest had finished speaking and the team began to walk to Sienna’s mother you felt Sebastian’s hand on your lower back as support as you walked on the grass in heels and saw Anne-Marie with her arm looped in Sebastian’s free arm on the other side. Tommy couldn’t contain himself and spoke some hard truths to Sienna’s mother. The team tried to calm him, but it was in vain. Sebastian continued to support Anne-Marie up the muddy hill while you and Eva had linked arms and walked behind. Returning to the hotel in the cars was sombre and quiet, you were in a car with Eva, Tommy, Ann-Marie and Sebastian. Tommy was driving as he was the one most adept with British roads and driving, you, Sebastian and Anne-Marie were in the back. Poor Sebastian had been placed in the middle seat and you were staring out the window closest to you, not paying much attention to the passing scenery. You felt a warm hand grip the one of yours which had a vice grip on the loose part of your dress making you realise and release the fabric. You focused on Sebastian’s reflection in the window you were gazing out of, he had given a small look toward your hand and then looked forward as though it was instinctive and natural. You forgot how grateful you were when he was this thoughtful and effortless in his affections.

At the hotel you got out and Sebastian and Eva helped Anne-Marie, you all met up with Louis and Carlton at the hotel bar along with a couple of other guests who happened to be staying in the same hotel. You all raised a glass to Sienna. You hadn’t noticed the glances and staring Sebastian was throwing your way, you were wallowing in your grief too much to notice. Sebastian had forgotten how beautiful and graceful you could be when you didn’t think anyone was paying attention to you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been a few months since Sienna’s funeral, her loss was still felt throughout the team. Tommy was still brooding. Anne-Marie had recovered from her surprise trip to the hospital shortly after the incident. The team was in a solemn routine, Tommy entered smelling like a distillery according to Dorn. You and Sebastian tended to be in the computer lab, Sebastian working on his Scan Gen, you working on a programme to gain quicker access to non-public access feeds. It was a comfortable silence between you both, the silence occasionally being broken by questions about software or code checking.

The day you never turned up was a surprise to the team as you were normally quite reliable at being in the office shortly after Dorn and Louis. Eva was supposed to collect you from a predetermined location, and you hadn’t shown. Louis attempted to call and message you to no avail. Sebastian discreetly attempted to reach you too. After an hour of no one on the team being able to contact you, Louis asked Sebastian to try and locate your phone, while reluctant, Sebastian obliged. When your phone showed you were at home, Louis and Eva went to your apartment while Sebastian began to internally panic and began to jump the gun and try to access cameras and CCTV to see if you had left your apartment and if you had, then at which point you went missing.

                    --------------------------------------------------------

You awoke with a pounding in your head. You tried to reach up to see if you had been bleeding and found your hands and feet bound to a chair you had been placed upon. You tried to open your eyes to look at your surroundings, but the minimal amount of light which penetrated the darkness surrounding you both was too much for your head but too little for you to see anything. You were left in the darkness, alone with your thoughts and your mind racing with who you had pissed off enough to come at you like this.

                      ---------------------------------------------------------

You had been out of it for most of your abduction. The team had taken 2 days to find you, and when they did, they found you in Antwerp, Belgium. When they found you Sebastian and Tommy had been the first to breach the door. They had found you semi-conscious and your feet bound, and hands tied behind your back on the floor. Sebastian called to the team that he had you and for the others to go after the perp while he carried you outside. Once the team had left the room, he held your head in his hands and spoke to you, releasing your feet and hands, “Come on meine Liebe, don’t give up on me now Liebling.” You groaned and once while your eyes and head were adjusting to the noise and the light. Once you realised your hands were free you quickly and desperately clung to Sebastian.

“Seb?”

“Ja, Ja Liebling, Ich bin hier, du bist in Sicherheit.” He was frantic and reverted to his native language knowing you would understand, you gripped him tighter than you ever had before hands tracing his face, making sure this was real. He held you tightly and firmly in his grasp, your lips grazed each other’s in your closeness, “you’re injured, let’s get you out of here, think you can stand?” Seb, always a gentleman and not the greatest fan of getting caught in public. You nodded your head and clung to Sebastian like your life depended on it as he supported you to the ambulance to be looked over. You refused to let Sebastian leave your line of vision or be too far from you, Hickman noticed the reluctance of separation and suggested to Louis that Sebastian be the one to accompany you to the hospital instead of Eva.

                                   ----------------------------------

In the hospital you discovered that someone who had wanted to test the team had taken you to prove that the new cross border team could be vulnerable and had caught you as you passed by an alleyway to meet Eva. She had missed you by minutes and began to beat herself up about it, which you assured her she shouldn’t do, you were more embarrassed and pissed at yourself for being caught off guard than anything else.

(GIF CREDIT TO THE OWNER)

[padsnprongs]

french sirius and welsh remus headcanons!!

(translations are at the end <3)

french sirius!!

sirius will sometimes speak in french to calm remus down after a nightmare because he finds it soothing

he will also talk in french just because remus has no idea what he’s saying and so he can get away with saying literally anything with no repercussions

‘Tes yeux sont beaux’

‘What does that mean?’

‘You’re hogging the blanket.’

sirius speaks in french to everyone just to mess with them

‘Ok, Sirius, do you know what you’re doing?’

‘Je ne sais même pas où nous sommes.’

‘...and that’s how I’m gonna impress Lily. What do you think?’

‘Tu sais qu’il y ont des modes plus faciles pour impressionner une fille, d’accord?’

whenever sirius gets confused, which, let's be honest, was quite frequently, he would furrow his brows and mutter to himself in french, which remus found positively adorable

welsh remus!!

sirius loves it when remus speaks in welsh, because he thinks it’s very sexy very soothing

‘Rydych chi mor anhygoel o dwp.’

‘Oh wow. Say something else.’

remus has a very strong welsh accent, which makes it quite hard to understand him most of the time.

sirius loves his welsh accent though. especially when he pronounces something differently and everyone else then has to try to figure out what he's saying

remus will sometimes digress into welsh when he’s angry. if one of the marauders has pissed him off, or he’s just gotten into an argument with someone, he’ll lapse into welsh without realising.

‘Are you kidding?! That served absolutely no purpose! Beth sy'n bod efo ti?'

the other person will obviously have no idea what’s going on, so they just stand there for a good five minutes until remus realises what happened.

sometimes remus will forget the english word for something, which everyone else turns into a competition to see who can figure out what he's trying to say first

it wasn't uncommon to see remus pointing frantically at a random object whilst the rest of the common room shouts over each other

when remus argues with sirius, they’ll both end up talking in welsh and french respectively. They’ll yell at each other for god knows how long, with no clue what the other is actually saying.

eventually, the argument will diverge into them just complimenting each other or something, but still in french and welsh. so whilst sirius thinks remus is still throwing insults at him, sirius is actually just saying really lovey-dovey stuff to him, and vice-versa, but they’re both still speaking really angrily.

‘Je pense que je t’aime!’

‘Dwi am fynd allan gyda chi!’

‘Je l’adore quand tu souris!’

‘Mae’ch gwallt yn edrych yn neis iawn!’

nicknames!! remus and sirius call each other really lovey-dovey names in their respective languages

for example, remus will call sirius 'fy nghariad', and sirius will call remus 'mon amour' (ty to cadiepughx on ig for this one lol)

because of this, Sirius has made it his goal to see how many random words he can call remus, that he will respond to, because as long as he says it lovingly, it sounds like a term of endearment

'hey, mon rideau'

remus: *looks up*

sirius and remus shared a bed since fifth year, so sirius got a front row seat to remus talking in his sleep, during which he would say the most random things.

for example, sirius once heard him mumble, 'dwi'n caru bara' (ty to remuslupinslefttit for this hc lmao)

when he asked remus what it meant in the morning, he couldn't stop himself from giggling whilst remus just stood there with a face as red as a tomato

'where does that even come from?!'

'yeah, alright, alright, laugh it up.'

they both picked up some of each other's languages over time, which made it a lot harder to talk shit about the other to their face

while remus was brought up bilingual, speaking both english and welsh at the same time, sirius was taught french from around the age of five onwards. so remus tends to lapse into welsh, but sirius doesn’t, because french is his second language.

when his parents started teaching sirius french, their method was to speak to him in only french until he picked it up, because he would learn more general phrases that way.

however, that also meant that one day sirius woke up and everyone was speaking a different language, so he had no idea what was happening

let’s just say walburga and orion weren’t the most patient teachers.

as a result, sirius tries to reject the remnants of french culture whenever he's at home

on the other hand, remus, who grew up in wales, loves welsh culture (?)

especially the food

he often tried to get the other three to try some, which they weren't big fans of

remus went to a muggle primary school where only english was spoken

when he was writing sentences out, he would always get confused between welsh and english, and end up mixing both into the same sentence, because he didn’t realise that not everyone spoke welsh.

this led to some very awkward parents’ evenings. the teacher had no clue that he was writing in welsh and suggested that he speak to a psychologist, as he appeared to be writing complete gibberish, and that was concerning, at his age level.

when sirius and remus left hogwarts, they moved into a flat together. they would, even then, speak in french and welsh respectively, just to mess with each other.

'hey sirius, can you pass me my siaced?'

sirius: *passes him a can of beans*

when sirius turned up on remus’ doorstep in 1994, the first thing he said, with a hopeful smile on his face, was, ‘je déteste tes tripes?’

remus merely grinned and said, ‘rydych chi’n twpsyn.’

translations:

tes yeux sont beaux = your eyes are beautiful

je ne sais même pas où nous sommes = i dont even know where we are

tu sais qu’il y ont des modes plus faciles pour impressionner une fille, d’accord? = you know that there are easier ways to impress a girl, right?

rydych chi mor anhygoel o dwp = you are so incredibly stupid

beth sy'n bod efo ti = what's wrong with you

je pense que je t’aime = i think I like you

dwi am fynd allan gyda chi = I want to go out with you

je l’adore quand tu souris = i love it when you smile

mae’ch gwallt yn edrych yn neis iawn = your hair looks really nice

fy nghariad/mon amour = my love

mon rideau = my curtain

dwi'n caru bara = I love bread

siaced = jacket

je déteste tes tripes = i hate your guts

rydych chi’n twpsyn = you're a dumbass (I think??)

bonus bc I was researching welsh idioms and I liked this one but couldn't figure out a way to include it lol (but it seems like something remus would say lol):

fel rhech mewn potel bop = like a fart in a pop bottle: an expression used to mean something insignificant/useless

i apologise if any of the welsh is wrong!! it's all google translated lol

p.s. ik some of these aren’t particularly believable lol it’s just for fun

[ceejay1163]

The Teal* Bronco (*Turquoise)

First off I want to tag the amazing @aquadolan whose hilariously accurate reaction videos make me laugh cry every time I see them and makes me feel like we are experiencing the video together and having a laugh like a couple of mates despite being in opposite sides of the world.

Now for my reactions to 'Tricking my brother into thinking his car was flipped'

The ring mmhmmm just yes

The clapping tho? Not about it

Ethan has a shorter attention span then me and that's impressive

I did not pick the boys to like roller skating although they ice skate so it makes sense

Little bitch haha

I like the jumper. It looks fuzzy and cozy

How long did this take to plan? Honestly it seems like it would be taken forever

Roasting the matchingness to the car

He seems to actually be jealous that Gray's favourite car isn't the one he bought. That's adorable. Fuck I'm not even 2 mins into the video

And now the car is broken

Wait did I fuck up? Am I recording?

The gum Ethan. Eww for fuck sake mate don't be a pig.

'I have really bad attentional problems' yeah.. your English might need some work too

When's the last time I ate? -literally something I say most days

Roast him for dropping out of school and not remembering common phrases and sayings

Why do all Ethans pranks involve Graysons cars?

Also not wanting to say what time you wake up. Same

Laughing at yourself

I'm cool, I'm cool actually no I'm not

Groggy or drunk?

Slap. Pain kink anyone?

That damn projector

Air quotes

Did anyone understand the car mumbo jumbo? Like at all? Did anyone care?

Good job keeping a straight face Ethan. He won't suspect a thing.

Fun-ny

Why do boys turn everything into challenges? My nephews do it all the time

Full actor mode

Too many words in Google mate. Google doesn't care why you need a Photoshop artist

More air quotes. Except out of sync.

It's just a prank bro.

Bitter he can't go skating. Poor bubba

Morning voice half an octave lower. Yes please

Groaning. Thank you

I always end up falling asleep at least twice after waking up the first time before getting up. V relatable

Him jumping into bed to pretend to be asleep reminds me of being a kid and bolting through the house in the middle of the night after getting up to get a drink or something, trying to avoid monsters or waking up the parents

Jumpers with shorts?

He's got slippers. Awww

Realising a flaw in his plan when the car doesn't work.

Too many cars in the driveway

CRINGEY PHOTOS. WOO.

Fucking drama queen

That stupid photoshopped photo

Real us. Not actor mode us haha

Mr Dolan 😏

Doesn't analyze it too much. Good idea

He has such bloke-ish child like writing

The calf tattoo 🥺

Socks and slides Grayson? That's almost as bad as socks and sandals. Fucking hell

Love a man in light grey sweats

Run Ethan go back to bed. You're so grounded (idk)

He pulled Ethans hip so hard. Jesus

What is that bike thingy in the background?

WHO DOESN'T LOCK THEIR FUCKING CAR??? YOU FUCKING IMBECILE

Now Gray let's put on our big boy thinking caps. It's not Ethans fault. Entirely. You also didn't lock the fucking car

Booty 👀

Not knowing if you have insurance. Mate you should look into that. (Also a very me thing to not know)

Gray is loosing it. Like actually looks like he's gonna do the frustrated crying thing

"That's not chill you need to fix that." Pretty sure sleeping is pretty chill. Also how does one fix being a heavy sleeper (other then by having kids)

"You need to be able to wake up in the morning and get shit done" no need to call me out like that

Let me call the *mumble mumble mumble*

It's fucking turquoise- whelp fuck have to change the title

Who steals a turquoise car at 9am? He's loosing it

Awe he doesn't want people to get hurt. Cutie

Seriously why hasn't he called the police yet? When I got home from my nanas funeral to find my house broken into the first thing I did was call the cops. And then cry cos it was like 10pm and I'd just driven like 12 hrs so I was hella tired

He's V loud. And then V quiet.

You motherfucker. Ok rude but understandable

That sigh of relief and the laughter

All of the adrenaline just left Gray immediately. Also hiding under a blankie? adorable

"Where did you put it?" Immediately forgets haha

Did you ruin it and turn it pink or something? You're getting a rep E and why does Gray assume it would be painted pink?

The sound effect over Gray pulling up his pants to hide his plumbers crack 😂

You need to rub it out. I mean ok sure

"I kinked up bro" just why 😂

Slap. SPINNING. It's a theme park ride

You stole my car- Dude where's my car movie anyone?

Car upside down you say? Forshadowing

Grayson gives up on life.

Nope never mind he's dramatically throwing himself onto the bed and screaming into the blankets like a teenage girl

Also booty

FROG

Don't dance Grayson

It's all in the puff bro

Mr Dillon, not Dolan, Dillion

Grayson has left the building look

Nose boop

The eye movement. Wait you what?

Beard pulling

Give me the phone. No you are having the phone. Ok fine.

Intense eye contact for real tho

That dumbass look on his face. Grayson is shooketh to hell

Do they even understand any of this car mumbo jumbo? Does it even make any sense?

I don't know shit about insurance. Seriously dude that's not smart

MY CAR

That's not chill bro that's not chill at all. Putting them on a ban for the words chill and bro. More to be added. They use those words more then I use the word mate and that's impressive

I'm taking the phone and subtly suggesting human error (negligence) and a potential law suit

Oh you have footage? Talk to my older brother

I don't know much about cars. Dude

More stupid looks from Gray

I don't wanna see it

More screaming

More yelling Grayson

We can move your car but it's gonna cost you more money

Not falling for that pic

Just put it on the next one. Gray it's not a fucking bus. There's no schedule to have the next one come out. Use your head darlin'

More yelling in the car and swearing

How did he organise the street thing? Like actually.

Also surely it's illegal to pretend to have roadworks and fuck up traffic

VROOM. You go lil blue car

BULGE 👀 this is when I stopped paying attention the first time I watched it.

What is the camera guy (kyle?) wearing? Who said that be one were allowed to be a thing again? I'm not impressed

Grayson is v frustrated

DON'T LITTER

Neither of you should be allowed to dance. Its not good

That's the wrong question to ask about the camera guy's clothes

Fist clap

Wait where's the car? Is it safe? Poor Gray his brain is malfunctioning

Camera goes to Grayson. Ooh look bulge. Pans away. Move back ooh bulge.

If they keep upping the ante someone's gonna get hurt

I don't know what's inside of me. Never a good thing to say

Still allergic to dogs 🥺

HOLY SHIT THAT HAPPENED

I haven't heard you scream that much for that long 👀

Grayson's pretty loud. I would like to test that. Please and thank you.

Deep breathing

SOOOO HARD. (I volunteer)

I am going to prank the actual s out of Ethan. Really taking the not swearing thing seriously huh

Sure whatever you say. He doesn't believe you'll get him back Gray. Kick his ass

Bruh

Eric deserves a medal for his phone acting. Well done faceless dude named Eric

I give up. I give up on everything. If that's not a fucking mood

Double bitched sounds like it should mean something else. Just saying

Boob caress

My guard's up. No your guard can't be up. Pretty sure that's not how it works Grayson

Just don't hurt me. Grayson is so not listening to him. He's still mad

No rules

It was fake There's no rules

Ethan being hurt Gray doesn't love his present

Still mad.

Rubs sweat all over comfy jumper. Childish

HE STILL LOOKS FUCKING LIVID.

Alrighty take three of finishing this thing. Tumblr crashed yesterday after I spent like 2 hours writing this and deleted half my comments. I couldn't finish it then cos it was almost 2am and I had work today so I redid it from like the 20 minute mark of the video. Then I saved it to my drafts And published it but it deleted the last like 5 minutes of comments so I had to redo them again. Here's hoping Tumblr sorts it's shit out cos it's late and I have work again tomorrow. 🐨

[randomhistoryposts]

Hunters - Trivialising the Holocaust?

I just wanted to say a few thoughts on the new Amazon show ‘Hunters’ which premiered in February 2020. I have watched the first episode, and as I am at a very busy point in my education, I have not had time to watch the rest of the season – but I intend to as I found the first episode had a very strong start. One thing I have done is read the reviews for the show, and I’ve noticed that there are an abundance of negative reviews. Common phrases I’ve seen in these reviews are that the show is ‘trivialising the Holocaust’, the show is ‘anti-white’ as well as comic book-like in nature. I didn’t want to post a long-winded review on Amazon as some do, as I thought an essay would be a bit heavy handed, but I feel the need to post my opinion somewhere, so I’m doing it here.

I am currently studying history at University, and when I was in Sixth Form I went to a three-part seminar/trip with the Holocaust Educational Trust where we discussed the ethics of media and memory of the Holocaust. For the first part of the seminar we listened to the story of one of the few Holocaust survivors still alive. For the second part, we visited Auschwitz (Which is split into three sites, Auschwitz One – with the gate ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’, “Work sets you free”. Auschwitz-Birkenau – Auschwitz II, which is the second site with the train tracks and the gate tower. Finally Auschwitz III which is a chemical plant). For the third, we gathered together for one last seminar to pool together everything we had learned. During the first seminar, one question we discussed was ‘Is it ethical for Stag and Hen companies to advertise a day-trip to Auschwitz in the middle of a couple of days of drinking?’. Naturally we, as sixteen to eighteen year olds, were shocked to learn that this was in fact a real thing. Our immediate answer was no, as we did not believe Hen and Stag groups would take the experience seriously. That these companies were trivialising the Holocaust. Then we were told to think about it seriously and consider all aspects of it. Yes people would be drinking, but did that mean that they would not take the visit seriously? After thinking it over, we all then came to the opposite conclusion – no.

One of my history teachers at the time, who worked closely with the Trust and was constantly taking groups over to Auschwitz, saw many of these Stag and Hen groups the night before his trip to the sites, drinking and having a good time, as they were bound to do. The next day when he saw them at one of the three sites, he said to us that he had never seen more sober and respectful people in his life. When I went to Auschwitz myself, I wasn’t drinking the night before, but it was such a sobering experience. I visited the sites of Auschwitz I and Auschwitz-Birkenau. Whilst there I saw the room of shoes, the room of human hair, any personal possessions that were salvageable, the first gas chamber and then the ones that the Nazis tried to destroy as they were losing the war. For the entire time we were there, we were all told ‘It’s ok to cry’. I felt bad because I didn’t cry – I was numb the entire time I was there, and I put that down to the information overload and the strange atmosphere that surrounds the grounds. Both my teachers cried whilst they were there. The next day at school (we were only in Poland for a day and we were in school the next. We were awake for nearly a full 24 hours by the time we got back into the UK, so we only had a few hours sleep when we arrived back home) my friend cried in our history lesson. I still didn’t. I felt horrible about it.

At this point, you may be thinking, what does any of this have to do with the new show? Well, a few months after my visit, I was watching ‘The Man in the High Castle’, which is another Amazon show based on the 1960s book of the same name by Philip K. Dick. It is set in an alternate reality where the Nazis won. There is more to it than that, but I don’t want to spoil it for anyone. Back then people were accusing the show of being anti-Semitic due to its content, but I disagreed with that. There was one scene in the show were a Jewish family were gassed. Just before they were gassed, a family member of theirs who was imprisoned was asked if he was familiar with Zyklon B. This was the gas that was used in the gas chambers. In Auschwitz I, there is a display with empty canisters of Zyklon B. Once this character had said that line, everything I had seen on my visit came crashing back. Then I cried. Whilst some people believed that show was trivialising the Holocaust, for me personally, it just emphasised the severity of what I had seen.

I don’t believe the new ‘Hunters’ show is trivialising the Holocaust. From what I’ve seen of the reviews, most people don’t like that the Holocaust is being ‘exploited’ for entertainment purposes. In one sense, I can see where they are coming from. One scene that people had a problem with was a “Human Chess Scene”, in which the Nazis used concentration camp prisoners as human chess pieces. When one piece had to take out another, their throat was slashed. That was the last straw for quite a few of these reviewers. I will admit that the show is highly dramatized for entertainment purposes, but I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. Whilst I can find no evidence of Nazis using a human chess board, they did do horrific things with a dramatic flair. A week or so ago, I watched a film on based on the true events that happened at Mauthausen Concentration Camp. The film is called ‘The Photographer of Mauthausen’ and is available on Netflix for anyone who is interested. In this film, a man managed to escape the camp, but was unfortunately recaptured and paraded around the grounds of Mauthausen with the camp band marching in front of him playing a jaunty tune of sorts, whilst he was pulled on a cart behind them with a noose around his neck. He was later hanged, and all the prisoners had to walk past his body as a warning of what would happen to them if they tried to escape. Now we don’t know what tune the real band were playing, so some artistic license must be allowed. I didn’t include the actual picture in this essay as I don’t want to upset those who are sensitive to imagery like that, but here is the link if anyone wishes to see:

https://www.timesofisrael.com/most-austrians-dont-know-6-million-jews-were-killed-in-holocaust-survey-finds/

the image is attached to a newspaper, but I haven’t read the issue. You can search all the photographs in Google Images using ‘Mauthausen Photos’.

I was also watching something recently that said due to our culture, films and other media have to up the shock factor so-to-speak in order for the audience to fully grasp the severity of what occurred. I understand where this point has come from as I believe that most audiences today are so desensitised violence, that upping the brutality in this scene wasn’t meant to trivialise the Holocaust in any way. Instead it is to get across to today’s audiences how brutal the Nazis could be in their punishments. Yes I will admit that at times the series can be something from a comic book, but I believe that’s what makes it so entertaining. They’re not taking the Nazis seriously, and sometimes comedy can be the best way to take away something’s power. They’re not trivialising the Holocaust, they’re trying to take the scare factor that empowered the people responsible for it, away from them. I use people carefully here, as when I took part in the Holocaust Educational Trust, we were told to see the Nazis as people and not monsters for one very important reason��..

Calling someone a monster, gives the acts they commit an excuse. You expect a monster to do horrendous things. Calling the Nazis people gives them no excuse, that they must be held accountable for their actions.

Other complaints I saw regarding the show was that it was ‘anti-white’ and ‘anti-European’, these I really don’t agree with and if any of you watch the show you may understand why.

In conclusion, I don’t believe dramatizing an event that has happened fairly recently in our history for entertainment purposes, is trivialising it. People such as Philip K. Dick were creating entertainment based off the events a mere 17 years after it had happened. People will continue to do so, I feel as long as they don’t fully disrespect it, that entertainment is acceptable as it is drawing attention to the past and what occurred. For me, two of the real ways to trivialise the Holocaust would be to support the people responsible, or to outright deny the massacre of millions of people ever happened.

I realise that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This is not meant to be me pushing my ideas onto other people, but a way of expressing my own opinion.

[newsitem]

Dead babies

It’s not only the loss of the baby, and their absence in the future a clear transparent shape of nothing, and the grief from that hole.

It’s partly that no-one else can see it. When someone alive dies, the gap in the world is apparent – even if people can’t see the gap in your life they imagine the gap that would be left in their own if one of their people were to suddenly leave, and so there is a common place to share. There are words you can say and cards you can send. With miscarriage, the person never existed in the first place. The gap is inside me. 

Another thing is the grief not bringing out the best in me, and making it nearly impossible to keep up the pretence of being normal, which is necessary for all life and particularly the part lived in offices and with colleagues. We moved buildings at work a couple of weeks after the miscarriage, and began hot desking, but there aren’t enough desks for people. Partly out of belligerence, and partly out of disorientation, when I turned up to the area where my team is meant to sit and there were no desks left, I wandered around the floor shouting ‘any desks, are there any desks free’. I think it frightened people. At the least, it was noted.

We met up with some of Conor’s friends at a pub in Nelson, including a woman who had also had a miscarriage, who I like, who had said before Christmas at a party she was pregnant. At the time, I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘me too’. And when she was there after Christmas, I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’. Or to venture that I’d had a similar loss too.

I realised why I couldn’t say anything a moment later. “We’re hoping to have another child,” she said, eyes shining. She is 35, I am 42. My miscarriage is likely to be as close to motherhood as I’ll ever get. She is looking forward to a future where her son has a baby brother or sister.

Comparisons are odious, as they say (they being everyone from Margaret Attwood to Jack Kerouac), and they are right.

But the grief we have is different, and so isn’t a common place of connection but of distance. She is a mum and will have another child, all will be well and god can get comfortable back in his heaven. I am not a mum and it’s highly unlikely I’ll have a child. All the odds run against me – the chance of getting pregnant is low, the chance of downs, defects and miscarriage are high. A miscarriage followed by childlessness. Grief on grief. There’s nothing you can say to that. It’s just bad followed by bad. No resolution, god nowhere to be found on the map. 

The conflicting medical advice has given flight to already overcharged feelings of fear and hope. My midwife saying ‘I see lots of older mums’. Well, as a midwife, that would make a lot of sense. What you don’t see is the people like me, who got over their denial about wanting to have children at the moment that that thought become completely useless. It’s like having failed spectacularly at your own life. More, I have failed spectacularly at my own life.

We went to a hilariously bad counselling session at the hospital where the social worker seemed to be all at sea when it turned out the lab wasn’t able to get any results from the dead baby and blood I’d handed over to them in a plastic bag. “Usually the results can help a couple decide whether to try again.” She seemed more upset at the loss of potential genetic information than the baby itself.

On my google journey, I discovered there is miscarriage jewellery you can buy, which seemed unbelievably mawkish. Then a day later I’m considering getting the one ring I own engraved with the dead baby’s due date. And why? Because you’ve got nothing to hold on to. The miscarriage support groups suggest writing a letter to your dead foetus, or holding a ceremony to bury the remains, the ‘products of conception’. In my case the remains have been flushed down a toilet in Taranaki at an AirBnB, and what was left of the rest given to a lab to try and figure out if it did have abnormal chromosomes, and would’ve had downs syndrome. “It looks like this baby wasn’t meant to be,” said the practice manager who took my blood to do the chromosome test, sending up another flare of anger in me. The test found too little of the baby’s blood mixed in with mine to really tell anything, but that in itself is an indication that something’s wrong.

The other part that I failed to grasp when fearing miscarriage is the physical – the muscles inside you cramping up to expel the newly dead foetus like the worst period pain I’ve ever had and giving me an all too clear understanding that the pain I’m feeling isn’t close to that of giving birth. The gush of water that came out at one point. The fear, mostly of the pain - not knowing how long it was going to hurt for. And the lack of control. This is all happening to you. Suddenly feeling the truth in Picasso’s horrible phrase that ‘women are machines for suffering’.

Then after, the grief being like some sort of touch-paper lighting up all of the other grief gathered over the course of my life like fireworks. Saying mean things to Conor, I think to try and make him feel as bad as I was feeling. Feeling again the despair of my family being broken and permanently so, beyond redemption. 

The way my mind revolting when I tried to make it go do normal things like turn up to work. The outrage of that, like – what the fuck are we doing here? Our baby is dead.

The kindness of friends which sometimes helped, and sometimes I was beyond help. My friend Laura sending me flowers and a card with the words Ahakoa he iti he pounamu - though it is small it is greenstone (precious). The perfect phrase that shocks my heart even now.

My boss trying to be supportive by offering me a secondment in one of the highest pressure and highest profile parts of the business: “No, I can’t do that, I’m half dead.” Asking to take some unpaid leave, getting it. “Whatever you need.”

Realising the amount of support and lenience and space I have to grieve is a complete luxury, realising there are women who have less than me, who have to turn up to work the day after and bury their grief and just get on with it.

Doing a lot of staring in to the middle distance with my mind on shut down, empty as a bus station at 3am. Realising that I look like the stock shots on file with keywords ‘grief, loss, depression.’

Realising there’s another kind of luxury here too, that of being able to imagine that if the child had been ok, and had lived, it would’ve been a good thing. One of the main reasons I had not wanted to have baby for all of my fertile years was the fear of being like my own mother and me, and failing to make the necessary bond at the start that determines pretty much everything afterwards. And then the too-late and too-strong desire to have a baby is to repair that in some way. To right it.

Now the baby’s dead, the only future I’m imagining we would’ve had is a good one. But maybe I wouldn’t be any good at it or liked it. Maybe it would’ve been too much pressure for me and Cons and spelled the end of us. And in any case, let’s not romanticise the reason I was having that chromosome test, and the likelihood that I would’ve had an abortion if the test came back and the baby had downs. 

The fight with my mum over email, her inability to comprehend anyone else’s grief, least of all mine. I sat with her for most of the nights between when I was 16 through to 18 and comforted her when she was depressed, after she had had an affair, after she had taken the house from my dad, after she had caused our family to split. She stubbed a cigarette out on her hand one time. She kept chickens in a coop at the top of the garden, and I remember her coming back in crying and distraught after what must’ve been a psychotic episode where she’d lost her temper and killed one of the newly hatched chicks, smashing it into the concrete. Then when she started seeing a man, I had to move out. The only way for me to have any kind of relationship with her is for everything to be on her terms, always. Even when my baby’s dead. Especially then.

[presumenothing]

spaghetti trees

hope you have/had a fun April Fools’, everyone, and... I pranked myself with fic? uh. yeah. idk anymore just have it ok

(AO3)

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It would be an exaggeration to say that Hakuba Saguru has been dreading the first of April since he transferred into Ekoda High.

It would not, however, be much of one.

Contrary to popular opinion overseas, April Fools’ Day is in fact a thriving holiday in Japan, albeit mostly in the online community and younger generations.

(If anyone ever does take it onto themselves to invent a bubble wrap keyboard, Saguru ardently hopes that they ban Kuroba from getting one. He doesn’t think his nerves can take it otherwise.)

By the time the lunch bell rings, Saguru’s eyebrow has developed a permanent twitch, and he’s fairly certain that a good half of class 2-B has noticed.

He can’t exactly help it, to be honest.

And with good reason – the magician has been suspiciously well-behaved all morning, actually staying in his seat for once instead of raising a ruckus every ten seconds. Apart from occasionally staring out the window while walking a coin across his knuckles, Kuroba has been the very picture of a model student for almost four and a half hours now.

He’d even volunteered to answer a question for once in history class.

Kuroba hates history. Saguru is certain of that.

(Saguru is, also, starting to wonder if this apparent obedience is in itself the prank. Which would be… counterintuitive on so many levels, but then again Kuroba’s general existence runs contrary to common sense.)

At any rate, if the aim is to unnerve Saguru, the magician has most certainly succeeded, he can concede that much.

Saguru checks his pocketwatch with a quick glance. One minute past noon. Back in London, that’d be enough to guarantee safety as far as pranking went – not that he’d commonly been the victim of such, of course, but it was always helpful to know when the deadline had passed.

Right now, though… Saguru shakes his head and gives in with a sigh, walking over to Kuroba’s table as their classmates slowly trickle out in twos and threes.

The magician eyes him with well-hidden amusement. “What is it, Hakuba?”

…and Saguru has no idea of how to answer that, actually, since why aren’t you turning the entire classroom and its occupants rainbow tie-dyed isn’t a phrase that he feels particularly inclined to say out loud.

Fortunately for him, Aoko comes to the rescue, as she often does in matters concerning Kuroba. She rounds on the magician from behind, squinting at him with suspicion. “You’re aren’t feeling sick, are you, Kaito? Because if you’re trying to hide it from Aoko again – ”

“You’ll sit on me, yeah, I get it.” Kuroba leans his chair back and grins winningly at her. “Nah, I’m just taking a day off, is it that hard to believe?”

“Yes,” both of them answer flatly.

Kuroba pouts in a show of maturity. “Jeez, fine!”

Then he looks up with the flicker of a grin in his expression. “You realise, of course, that anything I do after this is all your fault?”

Aoko blanches, and Saguru wholly agrees with the sentiment. They both walked right into that one. “B-but Aoko – ”

“Too late!” Kuroba calls out, darting out of the classroom while probably planning to do… Holmes only knew what, but it probably involved unpleasant consequences for everyone else.

Saguru certainly doesn’t care to guess. “Say, Aoko-kun…”

“Yes?” answers Aoko absently, the expression on her face suggesting that she’s strongly considering the option of chasing Kuroba down with her trusty mop.

Saguru literally cannot think of any way this isn’t going to end in some glitter-specked disaster. “Skipping class is starting to sound like a worryingly good idea.”

“Don’t be silly, Hakuba-kun!” Aoko turns towards him with a grin that looks disturbingly like Kuroba’s. “Who would be around to stop Kaito, then?”

“I don’t think we’re exactly stopping him here,” Saguru starts to say, but Aoko is already halfway to the door and beckoning for him to follow.

Saguru sighs again before following at a more sedate pace. His eyebrow isn’t twitching anymore, but he isn’t quite sure this is an improvement.

...he should really have just skipped school today.

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in the name of hasty research:

bubble wrap keyboard aka Google Japan’s prank for this year, though actual fake news (ha ha) still isn’t a thing in general

spaghetti-tree hoax aka BBC’s epic 1957 prank, and per wikipedia joking ceases at midday in the UK, with anyone playing a joke afterwards being the fool themselves