#ok I need to lie down again
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#ran out of tags LOLLLL#and then .at least on fords end . be able to witness the moment of collapse . in which all his ‘righteous’ feelings r sucked out like a#vacuum or some star collapsing on itself bc not only is he like . having to come to terms w his own flaws#and the insidious like . stomach churning guilt associated w that but also the panic and fear (realized#w the portal or bills deception) into looking outwards and having that silent ‘oh’ moment where its like yeah#thats why he left . why wouldnt he#GRAAAAA LIKE I WANT DESTRUCTIONNN I WANT THINGS 2 FALL DOWN SO HE CAN FINALLY REBUILDDD#let me innn😭😭😭😭💥let me in to the self reflection those thirty years😭😭😭💥💥💥💥💥#who did you meet that reminded you of himm😭😭😭who wronged u in similar ways who gave u a reason to be betterrr whoo what did you see#and when you finally came back what did u FEEEL .. and dont lie and say there wasnt that wisp of nostalgia laced arnd ur heart#girl…..talk to me focus on me u know me u know these things#stanford pines#gravity falls#sry for taggingn these i need it for my own blog i prmmy i need to reference this . i will#ok im back bc i read fords end snd i want to rip my hair out bc fiddleford has such good ‘collapse’ imagery too#like we liteally got the soc of the blind eye videos . HIS DOCUMENTSRYYY#oohhhits rly over for us (me) now (and stanford and fiddleford.and stanley bc i feel bad excluding him💔)#only talking ab ford bc i need a reason to connect it to stan bc im sick in tbe brain and i need the familial conflict aspect too#but fidds .. ur misery does not go unnoticed by me ‼️#anyways. ik i said idc if they didnt get back together but the beauty of multiplicity is also liking the idea#HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHlike whenb im over the conflict im like dude they went through so much tgether it must be nice to find urself in the#familiarity again. uugughh.AUUUH./
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my chest is aching and i am so sad bc i miss my starlight so much. but at the same time my heart is so full. i just spent almost seven hours with my friends. seven hours! i told them how ive been feeling and they didnt let me hold back. i felt like they were physically helping me to carry the burdens ive been holding by myself. they reassured me about my starlight multiple times, and half of them arent even self shippers, but they empathized with me heavily. they all held me when i cried and they told me it is going to be okay. not just about the grief of missing my F/Os ive lost, but just, in general, that everything will be okay. everything. and two of those friends who were present, i genuinely think they're two of the smartest people i have ever met in my life. they spent a long ass time analyzing my comfort characters, saying "okay logically, realistically, [F/O] would comfort you and love you, and here is why, and here is how. and no, they wouldn't harm you or manipulate you or betray you, and here is the logical reason why." if they say i'm gonna be okay, then... who am i to question or doubt them?
they also spent an hour helping me figure out how to print edible ink/glitter onto wafer paper so i would be able to bake heart-shaped cookies for my barbie/ken anniversary and transfer photos of them onto the cookies! they were so excited to hear about my anniversary coming up and they thought it would be so cute if i baked for my sweethearts ;u; they know how important it is to me because they know it's been 2 years since i've celebrated any F/O anniversary. and any time i got weepy they'd immediately hold me. and when i'd try to apologize, they'd refuse to even let me say a word, telling me to vent. so i vented for maybe a minute and cut myself off and they were like "no that's not all of it. keep going" and every few minutes when i'd stop myself, or try to downplay my feelings and change the topic, they'd say "no. no, you're not done. we know you've been through way more shit than that. keep talking, come on, we're here. you're not burdening us, we promise, keep talking keri." until i finally let everything out and they all held me and let me cry and rubbed my back. told me my F/Os would never harm me and why. told me how my IRL and online friends would never harm me, how they completely understand what im going through bc they've been through the same exact things as me. told me how barbie and ken are still here for me and how starlight is still here for me and how they're here for me...
i feel so sad yet so comforted at the same time. ive cried so much today but i cried surrounded by people who held me and made me feel genuinely listened to and cared for. and during the times when we werent venting, we were exchanging art, we were laughing, i dont think ive laughed like that in a while. one friend in that group stayed an extra three hours just because we were having so much fun together and we didn't want to sleep yet. she's one of the most fun and caring and kind people i've ever met. i got her hooked onto driver, and i'm pretty sure she's gonna get me hooked on the vampire from bg3 one of these days haha
celebrating my anniversary with barbie and ken is going to feel really bittersweet, but ive planned a lot. im going to really allow myself to feel loved that day and i think ill feel even more loved because those cookies are going to be made with the people who love me and who have been protecting me and promising me theyre always going to make sure i feel safe and secure with them. if i can feel this way with IRL people who i trust, i can feel this way with F/Os again too. yeah, even the ones that are triggers, i will reclaim them too. i know the love has to still be there somewhere, even if i dont feel it, even if im scared and numb and bitter. it takes time and it takes work but mlp was right bro... friendship really is magic and i know if i have them with me im gonna be ok. ;-; wah. im gonna burst into tears again augh. god. ok i better try to sleep. goodnight ilu
#might delete this later im sorry for being sappy#i queued one or two answered asks but thats all i had the energy for :c im sorry#i will try to answer more tomorrow but im probably gonna sleep til 5pm#but tomorrow im soooo looking forward to shopping for my anniversary#i got a lil budget for it and god. god!!! its gonna be so great#planning this anniversary and really going all out has helped me feel so much better#even tho im still like. numb and empty and hurting. i am not alone#i have so many irl people supporting me 😭💘#dude im gonna cry again ok i need to lie down. i love u. goodnight
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#so i had acute tracheitis like two weeks ago#then at the follow-up visit the doctor said i was ok#so i went to malta for my vacation without worrying about the occasional cough that eventually stopped#but then at the end of the trip i suddenly had temperature 39°C#i got better and went back to poland#i got home yesterday but suddenly today my voice is gone#and i started coughing again#so i went to see the doctor at our local weekend and holidays public health clinic#and it turns out i have acute tracheitis (again)#AND i also have acute laryngitis (new)#i had a doctor's leave before my vacation and now i have a doctor's leave again krehxksjkx my boss will be upset but oh well#i'm on antibiotics again 🤧#anywayyyyyyyyy why am i sick again the doctor said i was fine the last time 😞😞😞 WELL#anyway i felt totally fine for 8 out of 10 days there so i'd say the trip was still ABSOLUTELY AMAZING#absolutely amazingggg guys i loved it so much#i'm so glad the sickness came back only at the very end when i had already seen and done almost all i planned so it was okay#it was so wonderfullll i need to show my army followers here some pictures later on because oh man are they crazy#okay rant over i'm going to go lie down#maybe watch a bit of bon voyage on malta lmao it's so fun to watch it now that i've been there myself#my post#personal
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ughhh the stupid fucking tooth is rly stressing me out. i never shouldve moved to fucking washington i wish i could go back in time and hit 18 year old me in the head with a hammer .
#and also 17 year old me. and 16 year old me. and 15 year old me. all of you have a part in this. cunts.#bc i would e hust had the crown done if i didnt get fucking stranded in wa for 10 months. ive just been kicking it with my sanded down toot#sincee. over a year now and i dont think theres any saving it bc i think its got cavities so theyll probably just have to extract it#and then i check online and ill have to also get it replaced with a fske one or my fucking bones will dissolve or whatever (dramatization)#and like. cant lie. the fact i did all that for a guy who Didnt fucking love me. ok. ok. ok. in love connor is not allowed to make decision#ever again bc actually fuck that guy. like. obv for more than just the tooth thing#i was just so stupid . and ik you have to make mistakes to learn from them but this mistake might be rly expensive idk if the state#insurance will actually cover it or if therell be copays I dont have moneyyy i dont have a fucking job. i need to get my stupid ged. STUPID#FUCKING PAST CONNOR DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL I HATE YOU YOU RUINED MY LIFE. but its wtvr. its fine bc that guys dead and now its me. YIPPEE#a2t#for my tooth stuff#dental tw#idk . i used to have a mut who needed that tagged but idk if theyre still with us. in that ive lost many mutuals in my years so they may be#gone DNRNFJFNJF but jic. if u r here sry i thot you werent.. sry...
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hi i'm really interested in space lesbians! where are they, who are they? how can i see them? (shows, games, books?) also what are you most excited about in s2 of ofmd?
OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY
soooooo my space lesbian enthusiasm refers to 3 separate medias!! (it used to say gay space vikings bc that was an even more specific niche buuuut im way more into tihylttw these days s o) one day i am going to make a fuckin venn diagram of my girls because they all have so many similarities. (loki/sigyn and angela/sera are basically the same characters change my mind.)
this is about to get real long bc im unhinged about them <3 10/10 would talk about them all day if the communities were there
our first space lesbians are loki + sigyn from the bifrost incident! TBI is an album by the band the mechanisms which you can find wherever you listen to music (youtube here) its a norse mythology inspired rock/steampunk-esque album and it is SO GOOD- it takes place on a train in SPACE in the format of an incident investigation. its a story so you have to listen to the tracks in order :)
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next up! this is how you lose the time war- our lesbians in this are called red + blue because we have deconstructed this trope to its most basic format at this point :') its a short book, and you may be familiar with it as it went viral from a trigun fan tweet a few months back. (my url (and sewing blog url) are actually references to a quote from this book!) you can get it wherever you get books and id recc the audiobook if youre into that i am also in possession of the pdf if you wantto try before you buy.
tihylttw is a story told through the exchange of letters between two agents on opposite sides of a war- it usually gets described as enemies to lovers but id personally use rivals as i think it describes them better. the book is known for being incredibly poetic and sometimes pretentious in its writing and i just think its the most beautiful thing ever. lesbians do it better
honestly theres nothing i could say for tihylttw better than it could say for itself, i just adore the universe theyve built and i want to KNOW MORE. i love you and i love you and i want to find out what that means together
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saving the best for last is my girls angela + sera. the most of all time. nobody compares to them for me. they consume me
angela + sera are from marvel comics and you can find my complete reading list here, but if im talking about them positively, im usually talking about one of the titular Angela comics, and more often than not queen of hel.
honestly i love the angela comics so much that im making myself speechless trying to figure out where to start. Angela falls into the asgard side of marvel comics, though she is a lot more fluid in her affiliations, her whole thing being that she deals in deals- nothing for nothing everything has its price. she is at times described as emotionless and is generally quite a stoic character, especially around strangers. the major exception to this is her wife, sera. seras one of marvels few canon trans characters and i think she is just so wonderfully written. shes witty and cheeky and doesnt take shit from anyone, even when it gets her into trouble- and oh boy does sera find herself in some predicaments! the angela comics are often just as poetic as tihylttw for me, theyll drop an 'as long as you are with me, i am not afraid' and ill need to go smother myself in a pillow for a sec. in QOH they adopt a daughter who is Also a lesbian, shes an alternate version of leah of hel and i ALSO adore her.
im desperately trying to avoid plot points but god. the main arc is 21 issues of smooching Shakespearean space angels what more could you want?
(through sera & angela we get a lot of heven lore and honestly that could be its whole own thing for me im SO fascinated.)
my girls are currently in comic hell, i am praying they will get something good soon 🙏🙏
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and what am i most excited about for season 2? can i just say izzy? can i just say anne + mary? dude im so ready for some lesbians you have no idea actually you probably have a very good idea if you made it this far down. im incredibly excited to be seeing izzy get a favourable arc this season, im really hoping to see him develop relationships with everyone else, see him grapple with feelings around ed (actually im really hoping he chooses not to forgive ed. for growth) im excited to see whats gonna go down with his leg, im excited to see wtf is going on w ed + stede because i have no idea what the continuity is at the moment, im just excited!!!!!! i honestly dont think theres anything im not excited about everything looks so good so far
#category 10 nyx autism moment#i wrote way more for the others than TBI but its not bc i like it less theres just. a lot less lore?#honestly we dont know much about loki/sigyn outside the incident on the train#and talking about that is just. tellin u the story#the angela section just turned into stream of consciousness im sorry i was tryin to avoid just. esplaining the plots ghfnjfnj#if u read angela and u like it please talk to me g o d i am full of thoughts about them#i was trying to be restrained here but but but#god sera sera i love her shes no damsel in distress shes in control of her own destiny!!!#angelas conviction on things!!! itd be easier to argue with a mountain!!!!#i want to know EVERYTHING i want to scream about everything god#[explodes]#i need to lie down now actually im insane about them#if the angela fandom was half as big as ofmd i would probably never consume a new piece of media again#instead i mentally debate myself as to whether the lines about the scent of battle/blood in her eyes are supposed to be read as a#trans women are real women commentary or a rebuttal of hevens misandrist tendencies (i like both)#(its fun to try and read into this i love sera i love how they handled her being trans i love heven lore i love the anchorites#[explodes harder]#ok stopping. to reiterate. category 10 nyx autism moment#nyxtalks#ask#i am so. so sorry
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Kabru
Something terrifying inside you twists and writhes and you cannot stop it. You have a warped belief that you are incapable of being loved and you are praying that someone will prove you wrong. Don't worry, they will Song rec: Burned Out by Dodie
Happy thursday lads. Do me a favour, take my dungeon meshi dating quiz and tell me who you got in the tags
#this is...... uh. oh ok... i need to lie down (<- doesn't get up ever again)#why do these silly haha uquizzes always go for my throat uh.#what's up with that#dungeon meshi#tag yourself meme#blot's q
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I wake up after terrible night of just coughing to see my boys I'm gonna scream /POS I wanna show off all my commissions (it's like $20-$300 at this rate ) of my idiots so bad
#can you tell i lie killerberry#blue rambles#no literally just draw me that or tag me in anything thats tyem literally or the other term and imm go wow#also please dm me if you wanna ramble avout them#i love rambling about them#ok i need to lay down again
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KINGDOM OF ASH (by SJM)
Chapter 48
THE FAMILY REUINION🥹😆😭🫶& MY SOULLL
But when they reached Princess Hasar's battle tent, when they had all gathered around a map of Anielle, they had only a few minutes of discussion before they were interrupted. By the person Chaol least expected to walk through the flaps.
A moment later, Chaol was glad he was sitting down.
Nesryn breathed, "Holy gods."
Chaol was inclined to agree as Aelin Galathynius, Rowan Whitethorn, and several others entered the tent.
They were mud-splattered, the Queen of Terrasen's braided hair far longer than Chaol had last seen. And her eyes ... Not the soft, yet fiery gaze. But something older. Wearier.
Chaol shot to his feet. "I thought you were in Terrasen," he blurted. All the reports had confirmed it. Yet here she stood, no army in sight.
Three Fae males-towering warriors as broad and muscled as Rowan—had entered, along with a delicate, dark-haired human woman.
But Aelin was only staring at him. Staring and staring at him.
No one spoke as tears began sliding down her face. Not at his being here, Chaol realized as he took up his cane and limped toward Aelin.
But at him. Standing. Walking.
The young queen let out a broken laugh of joy and flung her arms around his neck. Pain lanced down his spine at the impact, but Chaol held her right back, every question fading from his tongue.
Aelin was shaking as she pulled away. "I knew you would," she breathed, gazing down his body, to his feet, then up again. "I knew you'd do it."
"Not alone," he said thickly. Chaol swallowed, releasing Aelin to extend an arm behind him. To the woman he knew stood there, a hand over the locket at her neck.
Perhaps Aelin would not remember, perhaps their encounter years ago had meant nothing to her at all, but Chaol drew Yrene forward. "Aelin, allow me to introduce"
"Yrene Towers," the queen breathed as his wife stepped to his side.
The two women stared at each other.
Yrene's mouth quivered as she opened the silver locket and pulled out a piece of paper. Hands trembling, she extended it to the queen. Aelin's own hands shook as she accepted the scrap.
"Thank you," Yrene whispered.
Chaol supposed it was all that really needed to be said.
Aelin unfolded the paper, reading the note she'd written, seeing the lines from the hundreds of foldings and rereadings these past few years.
"I went to the Torre," Yrene said, her voice cracking. "I took the money you gave me, and went to the Torre. And I became the heir apparent to the Healer on High. And now I have come back, to do what I can. I taught every healer I could the lessons you showed me that night, about self-defense. I didn't waste it-not a coin you gave me, or a moment of the time, the life you bought me." Tears were rolling and rolling down Yrene's face. "I didn't waste any of it."
Aelin closed her eyes, smiling through her own tears, and when she opened them, she took Yrene's shaking hands. "Now it is my turn to thank you." But Aelin's gaze fell upon the wedding band on Yrene's finger, and when she glanced to Chaol, he grinned.
"No longer Yrene Towers," Chaol said softly, "but Yrene Westfall."
Aelin let out one of those choked, joyous laughs, and Rowan stepped up to her side.
Yrene's head tilted back to take in the warrior's full height, her eyes widening-not only at Rowan's size, but at the pointed ears, the slightly elongated canines and tattoo. Aelin said, "Then let me introduce you, Lady Westfall, to my own husband, Prince Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius."
For that was indeed a wedding band on the queen's finger, the emerald mud-splattered but bright. On Rowan's own hand, a gold-and-ruby ring gleamed.
"My mate," Aelin added, fluttering her lashes at the Fae male. Rowan rolled his eyes, yet couldn't entirely contain his smile as he inclined his head to Yrene.
Yrene bowed, but Aelin snorted. "None of that, please. It'll go right to his immortal head." Her grin softened as Yrene blushed, and Aelin held up the scrap of paper. "May I keep this?" She eyed Yrene's locket. "Or does it go in there?"
Yrene folded the queen's fingers around the paper. "It is yours, as it always was. A piece of your bravery that helped me find my own."
Aelin shook her head, as if to dismiss the claim.
But Yrene squeezed Aelin's closed hand. "It gave me courage, the words you wrote. Every mile I traveled, every long hour I studied and worked, it gave me courage. I thank you for that, too."
Aelin swallowed hard, and Chaol took that as excuse enough to sit again, his back giving a grateful tinge. He said to the queen, "There is another person responsible for this army being here." He gestured to Nesryn, the woman already smiling at the queen. "The rukhin you see, the army gathered, is as much because of Nesryn as it is because of me."
A spark lit Aelin's eyes, and both women met halfway in a tight embrace. "I want to hear the entire story," Aelin said. "Every word of it." Nesryn's subdued smile widened. "So you shall. But later." Aelin clapped her on the shoulder and turned to the two royals still by the desk. Tall and regal, but as mud-splattered as the queen.
Chaol blurted, "Dorian?"
Rowan answered, "Not with us." He glanced to the royals.
"They know everything," Nesryn said
"He's with Manon," Aelin said simply.
Chaol wasn't entirely sure whether to be relieved. "Hunting for something important."
The keys. Holy gods.
Aelin nodded. Later. He'd think on where Dorian might now be later. Aelin nodded again. The full story would come then too.
Nesryn said, "May I present Princess Hasar and Prince Sartaq."
Aelin bowed—low. "You have my eternal gratitude," Aelin said, and the voice that came out of her was indeed that of a queen. Any shock Sartaq and Hasar had shown upon the queen bowing so low was hidden as they bowed back, the portrait of courtly grace.
"My father," Sartaq said, "remained in the khaganate to oversee our lands, along with our siblings Duva and Arghun. But my brother Kashin sails with the rest of the army. He was not two weeks behind us when we left."
Aelin glanced to Chaol, and he nodded.
Something glittered in her eyes at the confirmation, but the queen jerked her chin at Hasar. "Did you get my letter?"
The letter that Aelin had sent months ago, begging for aid and promising only a better world in return. Hasar picked at her nails. "Perhaps. I get far too many letters from fellow princesses these days to possibly remember or answer all of them."
Aelin smirked, as if the two of them spoke a language no one else could understand, a special code between two equally arrogant and proud women. But she motioned to her companions, who stepped forward. "Allow me to introduce my friends. Lord Gavriel, of Doranelle." A nod toward the tawny-eyed and golden-haired warrior who bowed.
Tattoos covered his neck, his hands, but his every motion was graceful. "My uncle, of sorts," Aelin added with a smirk at Gavriel. At Chaol's narrowed brows, she explained, "He's Aedion's father."
"Well, that explains a few things," Nesryn muttered.
The hair, the broad-planed face ... yes, it was the same. But where Aedion was fire, Gavriel seemed to be stone. Indeed, his eyes were solemn as he said, "Aedion is my pride." Emotion rippled over Aelin's face, but she gestured to the dark-haired male. Not someone Chaol ever wanted to tangle with, he decided as he surveyed the granite-hewn features, the black eyes and unsmiling mouth.
"Lorcan Salvaterre, formerly of Doranelle, and now a blood-sworn member of my court." As if that weren't a shock enough, Aelin winked at the imposing male. Lorcan scowled. "We're still in the adjustment period," she loudly whispered, and Yrene chuckled.
Lorcan Salvaterre. Chaol hadn't met the male this spring in Rifthold, but he'd heard all about him. That he'd been Maeve's most trusted commander, her most loyal and fierce warrior.
That he'd wanted to kill Aelin, hated Aelin.
How this had come about, why she was not in Terrasen with her army ... "You, too, have a tale to tell," Chaol said.
"Indeed I do." Aelin's eyes guttered, and Rowan put a hand on her lower back. Bad— something terrible had occurred. Chaol scanned Aelin for any hint of it. He stopped when he noticed the smoothness of the skin at her neck. The lack of scars. The missing scars on her hands, her palms. "Later," Aelin said softly. She straightened her shoulders, and another golden-haired male came forward. Beautiful. That was the only way to describe him. "Fenrys ... You know, I don't actually know your family name."
Fenrys threw a roguish wink at the queen.
"Moonbeam."
"It is not," Aelin hissed, choking on a laugh.
Fenrys laid a hand on his heart. "I am blood-sworn to you. Would I lie?"
Another blood-sworn Fae male in her court.
Across the tent, Sartaq cursed in his own tongue. As if he'd heard of Lorcan, and Gavriel, and Fenrys.
Aelin gave Fenrys a vulgar gesture that set Hasar chuckling, and faced the royals. "They're barely housebroken. Hardly fit for your fine company." Even Sartaq smiled at that. But it was to the small, delicate woman that Aelin now gestured. "And the only civilized member of my court, Lady Elide Lochan of Perranth." Perranth. Chaol had combed through the family trees of Terrasen just this winter, had seen the lists of so many royal households crossed out, victim to the conquest ten years ago.
Elide's name had been among them.
Another Terrasen royal who had managed to evade Adarlan's butchers.
The pretty young woman took a limping step forward, and bobbed a curtsy to the royals. Her boots concealed any sign of the source of the injury, but Yrene's attention shot right to her leg. Her ankle. "It's an honor to meet all of you," Elide said, her voice low and steady. Her dark eyes swept over them, cunning and clear. Like she could see beneath their skin and bones, to the souls beneath.
Aelin wiped her hands. "Well, that's over and done with," she announced, and strode to the desk and map. "Shall we discuss where you all plan to march once we beat the living shit out of this army?"
#NO SPOILERS PLEASE (though warning for the chapter in post & tags) this is my first read along with me & more reacts in tags etc#Chaorene Rowaelin Elorcan MOONBEAM this chapter has EVERYTHING so it needed its own post mark-if only it had Dorian than it would be PERFECT#A PROPER MAASVERSE REUINION-FULL CIRCLE-& me squealing in wivern happy in sappy like🥹 crying giggling & kicking my feet in excitement#Aelin Sardothien&HER CADRE/Court; her calling them all that — MOONBEAM finally lol how has this not come up or Lorcan tease or Rowan cheerin#she really nails these scenes-break my heart make my day-like QoS but ow&healingX100-my bbs are happy-TAB REFS-THE DYNAMICS-the wives meet!#Ivory horsehair for times of peace; the Ebony for times of war. — significance in tiny details-It was holy-the gold couch lol-SHES PREGGERS#To sit down even for a few minutes would be a blessed relief. — the difference from TOD - lol only Hasar could get interior design rn#to be the first piece of furniture in the home he'd build for his wife. For the child she carried.—shewastheoneheleastexpectedtoseeomg#holding hands even in blood-the ruler but wished to know-close to disaster-flood?that���s bad for fire/maybe she can steam-HOLY GODS INDEED#a moment later Chaol was glad he was sitting-as Aelin Galathynius Rowan Whitethorn and several others entered. Mud splattered. Too long hair#And her eyes ... Not the soft yet fiery gaze. But something older. Wearier.-the young queens gaze again-but a queen nonetheless-HE STOOD#Not at his being here as he took up his cane and limped toward Aelin But him Standing Walking-my soul needed this back-the core tale trio#The young queen let out a broken laugh of joy-broken but still joy-and flung her arms around his neck-the fact she wanted to hug him—#the ache & healing they both felt-but Chaol held her right back every question fading from his tongue.-Fire lance?-she’s shaking again#The way she gives him belief-then there she is-she remembered-her core-no one does anything alone-to say I’m happy for you & mean it vibes#hand over the locket-Yrene Towers the queen breathed as his wife stepped 2 his side The women stared at eachother-YRENE WESTFALL-notCelaena#I knew youd do it-goes both ways-Thank you-those words in this book-it was all that really needed to be said-smiling through tears#Aelin closed her eyes smiling through her own tears and when she opened them she took Yrene's shaking hands-choked joyous laughs-MY SOUL#Rowan stepped up to her side-Aelin said Lady Westfall my husband Prince Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius-the my wife we deserved#emerald mud-splattered but bright-she sure got those emeralds dropping hints literally in EoS-pine green-Nesryn Aelin friendship core#My mate Aelin added fluttering her lashes Rowan rolled his eyes yet couldn't entirely contain his smile-next quote why I luv books/TOG#May I keep this?She eyed the locket.Or does it go in there?Its yours as it always was.A piece of ur bravery that helped me find my own#It gave me courage the words you wrote. Every mile I traveled every long hour I studied and worked it gave me courage. I thank you#A spark lit Aelins eyes&both women met halfway in a tight embrace I want to hear the entire story Aelin said Every word of it#They know everything-Ok WELL MANON lol-The keys Holy gods-the story would come then too-true queen-she bowed for them#the voice that came out of her was indeed that of a queen-THEY BOWED BACK-the portrait of courtly grace lol-the letter worked well#Aelin smirked as if the2of them spoke a language no one else could understand 2equally arrogant&proud women-hell yes I needed them#My friends-uncleLOL-my pride-AelinswinkLorcylol-how had this come about?-guttered-Rowan put a hand on her lower back Bad#gestureHasar😂-only civilized Lady Elides name had been crossed out-the1sthat escaped-CunningClear-she could see beneath to the soul#I am sworn2uWould I lie-cursedAs if he'd heard of LorcanGavrielFenrys-where to march once we beat the living shit out of this army-Vher
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in fun pinkeye news you should NOT let your cat lick the tears off your eyelids when you have an angrysobbing meltdown and become catatonic after
#obviously i was not in charge of my faculties at the time but likr#FUCK#this is the rotten cherry on top of the most rancid sundae of a week i have ever had#i also strongly recommend categorically refusing an IV if you know IVs trigger your fight/flight response if you’re in a hospital#also if you’re in a hospital due to an anaphylactic reaction to something you did not know you were allergic to…#…probably just pretend you are keeping fluids down ok after the epinephrine so they let you go home after the minimum observation period#idk like if you need to lie to doctors in an emergency room to feel safe i think that’s ok actually#or at the very least don’t say ‘hey yeah totally put that electrolyte IV in me its not like i will panick and try to run for the exit haha’#this week was a mistake#i hate seeing doctors and other healthcare providers these days bc reasons and now i have to see both an allergist and my GP again for meds#fml fml fml#bc i am NOT going to go to the local hospital to get my pinkeye treated after the fiasco of having an allergic reaction treated there
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wugh..
#showered but got suddenly so tired and dizzy and sad after i got out i had to lie down on the bathroom tiles for 20 mins :-(#feelinf very weird and bad. just combo of med crash and probably an incoming cold and still emotionally recovering from the last month#its ok i have ice cream. and going to bed in half.an hour 👍#and was brave and unmuted chat to plan a movie night this week bc i have to make myself talk to them again#even tho im still struggling to believe thry care or want me around the only way to believe that is to spend time with them#and the only way to do that is to organise it myself bc they wont reach out#crazy how easy it is to disappear from ppls lives. i can never understand ppl who romanticise moving country and changing ur name and#starting over like u dont need to do all that u can reset everything to square one right where u are for free. and it sucks#so dont do it. my advice 👍#its fine not giving in not giving up im helping my future self out even if i dont want to right now im not losing everything again#ourgh i need to find some paracetamol. and a blanket. i hope this passes by thurs so i feel up for climbing#im just so tired of feeling so alone. and so tired in general so all of this is just nonsense straight from the cranberry bog#.diaries#I WANT. A HUG!!!!! *starts throwing things arounf my room with telekinesis*
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Lies of P pairing generator is going great so far, you guys
"Camille and Geppetto" the generator is onto me
"Dorothy and Romeo" EXTREMELY BIG BRAINED
"Valentinus and Simon" oh yeah Mr. Krabs
oh but this is a winner, you guys, this is a real fuckin winner
#i just wanted a funny way to pick pairings for fic because i have no unique thoughts of my own#probably missed some characters but you know how it is gamers#俺の#i'm worried for venigni you guys#i am worried for venigni and his ass#i've gotten camille/geppetto twice now the shipping agenda is strong#i swear i put RANDOM PUPPET as an option but it's not coming up at all#venigni/RANDOM CARCASS strikes again ok i need to go lie down
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I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)
(long dump in the tags and under the cut)
The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.
Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.
Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.
She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.
She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona
#I've been working the last 3 hours on her design and like just noticed HOW MUCH of myself i put into her design#especially parts of myself im self conscious of and don't like/didn't like growing up. i usually zone out esp during a character design#but i stopped and i looked at it and my first thought was “that's me. that's me on that canvas.” and for some reason felt so happy with it#ik that's probably a selfish thought to have and im nowhere near done with her design but i looked at it and loved it so deeply.#she's imperfect and ugly and flawed but that's ok because she's still beautiful in her own weird way and her friends still love her#this is the weirdest shit I've ever experienced but i honestly feel like I'm finally accepting a part of myself I've hated and shoved down#for so long because of the absolute gnawing feeling of unacceptance I've always been subjected to as “not fitting in” and something she say#is “who gives a shit what other people think about me. i have friends who love and care about me just as much as i do for them.#you dont need to be liked by everyone to be worth something. sometimes just existing is enough for the people who do love you“#the parallels of both my life and her lore are so similar they hurt on a visceral level i cant describe and it was completely unintentional#we both trust too easily whether it's out of naivety or stupidity and not learning from past mistakes and have been hurt so deeply#so many times beyond our own comprehension by the betrayal of other people to the point of shutting down every attempt at friendship#despite knowing just how much being alone aches and burns and put both physical and mental health on the line to get the approval of others#but never letting anyone get close enough to be friends out of fear of being hurt again#and having every vulnerable part of ourselves wrapped in metaphorical knives and glass to hurt anyone attempting to get to know us#but simultaneously and unknowingly hurting ourselves too with that choice. we're both aware of what we're doing but also unable to stop it#out of fear and lack of people willing to understand our pain and frustration and anger over things and it's so so frustrating#we both lash out when angry or hurt and push people that we love and love us back away out of fear that if any “ugly” is exposed to them#they'll leave because we lose our one redeemable quality of “being convenient” in a group#but simultaneously don't them trust fully out of fear. we know we're loved and love back but never fully in case its all a lie.#we both want nothing more than someone to understand and listen to what happened to us and actually stay and be friends rather than leave#like truly actually want to be friends and not just stay out of pity or sorrow over what happened#i think this is just something that comes with the autism tbh#i am she and she is me#rambling#dragon character#character writing#character building#dragon oc
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LINDA.... save me.
LINDA
Save me LINDA
#yes im doctor who posting#no im not ok#i loved them#and they were stilen from me#can i even hope to love again#im not exaggerating#i need to lie down
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on set - nicholas chavez
summary: you came to bring nicholas food on set and he looks too good you gotta help him get off or maybe you're just doing it for yourself.
warning: oral (m receiving), almost caught ig.
a/n: i need this man bad 😩
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i park my car and get the takeout my boyfriend asked me to get for him while he was on set.
i knocked on his trailer a few times then being met with him, Nicholas i can't lie he looked undeniably good.
a part of me feels bad because he's getting put into character for this role and i liked it. every bit of it.
the way his hair is styled, paired with the old money clothing. he was perfect. "you good?" not sure how long he was trying to get my attention but i just nod and walk into the trailer.
"you gonna be free tonight" i ask. Nicholas sits back down in the chair. "uh i don't think so" he checked the message he was given earlier this morning before coming to work
"yeah, no i won't be free why?" he asks giving me the perfect opportunity to perhaps get a quickie in before he has to actually get on screen again.
i walk up behind him, giving his shoulders a little massage then kissing his neck "I'd really liked if we could do something later" i try hinting to him that i wanted to fuck and im sure he caught on rather slowly than expected but he still did nonetheless.
"at work? what a needy girl" he coaxed. he took my hand in his and brung me infront of him.
nicholas manspreads his legs a bit so i can stand in between them "how bout you get that pretty little mouth to work then"
his cocky tone and the light pat on the side of my thigh; a signal for me to get on my knees sent my need for him through the roof.
i sunk to my knees not breaking eye contact. "this is what you wanted right?" he asked me with a smirk.
i give him a nod. but that wasn't enough for him he brings his thumb to my mouth dragging it across my lips "use your words baby" he cooed
"yeah- yes.. i want to do this." i fumble with his belt buckle, his eyes burning into my skull making me feel intimidated by his gaze.
i get the belt undone and pull his pants down, he lifts his hips a bit to help. "doin' so good already but-" he picks his phone up checking the time "-they're gonna need me in atleast 7 minutes" he places the phone back down.
his hard cock is freed from the confinement of his boxers. i put the head of his cock at my lips, kitty licking the tip before putting my mouth around him.
a low grunt is heard from him encouraging me to sink my mouth down further.
he grabs a handful of my hair and carelessly pushing my head down, i gag on his dick and im quick to remove my mouth off him "stoopp" i whine
"alright im sorry" he takes his hands away from my hair and puts them up surrendering.
a knock on the trailer door followed by a girl telling Nicholas he's needed on set. "5 more minutes!" he yells loud enough for the lady to hear from outside.
nicholas turns back to me and raises his eyebrows "see we don't have much time" he shrugs.
i wrap my mouth around him for the second time, already use to the length reaching the back of my throat.
he allows me to do whatever i please with my mouth; watching me take his length. i swallow around him and nearly choke when he accidentally jerks forward and thrusting down the back of my throat.
"shit.." nicholas drawls out throwing his head back at the feeling.
i change my pace, bobbing my head faster and using my hand to pump whatever i couldn't fit in my mouth. he whimpers softly, i looked up at him, his lips caught between his teeth, cheeks flushed and eyebrows knitted together while his eyes were screwed shut. perfect like i said before
"you're such a good girl f'me y'know that?" i hum in reaponse, the vibration around his cock made him moan loudly.
"sir are you ok?" the lady asked from outside; rattling the doorknob. "fine- just fine!" ,,give me one more minute please"
i swirl my tounge around his tip then using my hand to stroke him till he reaches his orgasm "m' close" he whimpers.
i put my mouth on the head of his cock and let him paint the back of my throat.
i wipe the sides of my mouth and rise from my knees while Nicholas pulls his underwear and pants back up. "lets finish up whenever i get home yeah?" he kisses my head and walks out the trailer.
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nano day 13
total word count: 1197
almost done with scene 8! It went a lot better than I expected so I’m content with the progress even if I didn’t get to write as much as I would’ve liked. Though that limited writing is more due to not having time than struggling with words lol if it’s not one it’s the other unfortunately .—.
but hopefully I carry this energy into tomorrow’s writing session :D
#also drew my characters again today#which was partically the reason why i had less writing time#*partially#but it was much needed. sketchbook time keeps me sane#i need that balance#it was nice I’m quite fond of them#still figuring out how to draw them but maybe one of these days I’ll share some sketches who knows#anyway I’m really tired#cant believe we’re already nearly halfway through the month that’s criminal#ALMOST HALFWAY AND IM 10k OFF FROM THE GOAL#big yikes#i said I wasn’t gonna worry about it but my hopes have gotten too high and now I’m worrying about it#dahl does nano 23#ok technically that’s a lie. I’m like 6k off the mark which is better than 10k but still not great#can I make that up during my time off??? idk#i think it’s funny that 50k will probably only get me like 2/3 of the way through the story tho…#BUT after November the hustle will slow down so I can take my time with writing and finish some time in January#anyway none of this matters rn
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ughhhhhh i feel so pathetic other people can get up and work like this so why cant i
#.text#ok thats not fair. logically i know i shouldnt feel this bad#every month i now think abt that one post thats like. you shouldnt still be in pain after the medicine kicks in.#but i am still very much in pain. it isnt. like. unbearable. but i need. to lie down. curled up. and if i#miss the 4 hour mark for new pain meds by even half a minutr. i will feel like im being stabbed#ok not true again. the pain meds usually wear off at hour 3. but im not willing to take more until hour 4#i would prefer to wait till hour 6 but. well#i might have to call in tonights class too..........#but i dont. want to. i feel like such a loser. or a bad person. this sucks oh my god#at least i didnt have any class yesterday.#fortunately this doesnt last long. one of the few ppl on earth who only has to suffer through this for 3 or 4 days.#knocks on wood.
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