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xpeachesncream · 4 years ago

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acquainted | seven

> series masterlist | series playlist <

summary: the biggest goal of a grad student is to get through school in one piece - no petty drama involved, no sweating over the little things. however, that plan almost always never follows through. sometimes, you can’t help but fall into the most unthinkable, unexpected traps and learn the hard way. like, exhibit a: being unable to resist your engaged, substitute teacher, kim seokjin.

pairing: jungkook x reader x engaged!teacher!seokjin

genre: grad school au, student life au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 3.9k

warnings: unprotected sex (in the form of a flashback in the middle of chapter), dick riding/straddling, slight scratching, slight marking, making out, cussing, mature language/implied sexual content, overthinking, insecurities, guilt, jealousy, some possessiveness, slight bitter feelings and tension in the air, wild, wild thoughts

tags: @laurynne5 @yiyi4657 @miinoongi @teamtardis-notdead @bluesharksandfish@photographic-girl @yonkoghan @moonchild1 (pls msg me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

"Y/N!" Ryujin gasped, her facial expression hard to read. She almost seemed proud, but also disappointed at the same time, but also really confused? You expected much, really. Just take a fucking look at your situation. "What the fuck! Seriously, you have balls! You do know he's still engaged, right? And that you really can't continue doing this with her around? That's coming from someone like me." You groaned.

"Fuck, I know, okay."

"S-so, what? What now? I knew you wouldn't let up on this!" She stutters, her hands out like this is some major political debate.

"I don't even know, I didn't even get the chance to process last night."

"You spent the night with him, didn't you? Where was his fiancé?"

"She's in New York for work."

"Did you guys fuck on their bed?!"

"Ryujin, really? Do I have to answer that?" She squealed, causing you to pinch her on the side to get her to be quiet.

"Holy, you're naughty as fuck!" Her jaw is still hanging from all the dirty details spilling out this morning.

"It was intense." Is all you respond with. It's silent for a minute, Ryujin getting a chance to read your body language and how torn you were.

"Ohhhh, Y/N baby." She brushed the hair out of your face. "You need to get out while you're still not in too deep."

"It's just.."

"You already developed feelings for him, haven't you?" She sighed.

"I know I shouldn't."

"What about Jungkook?"

"What about him? I haven't blown him off or anything like that. I texted him back this morning."

"Ohhhhhhh, this is fucked up."

"I'm stupid."

"No, no. No, you're not. We make mistakes. It's just best you learn from it and move on, especially in this position." You looked at her.

"Don't tell Jimin or Tae right now, please." She shook her head.

"I won't." Part of you was hoping you could get this settled before even telling them anything. But you knew it wasn't going to work that way. Last thing you wanted to do was hide this from your boys.

"I don't know what to do about Jin. I told Jungkook I'd go out on a date with him, and God, he's also so fucking attractive and sweet. But I—last night—" You sighed heavily, unable to finish your sentence. Last night was fucking amazing.

"Here's the thing. You need to stop talking like Jin is an option." You silently nodded and looked down at your feet.

"You're right."

"I'm sorry, baby. I know that's not what you wanna hear but we really have no choice. He's not someone you can go for, and quite frankly, if he can do this to his fiancé, he's capable of hurting you too. He obviously needs to get his shit together and figure out what he truly wants, but it's best you keep your distance while he does so. This could hurt a lot of people."

"Tried to keep my distance, obviously failed."

"Okay, but you didn't have Jungkook." She smiled. "Look, I can't tell you how to feel or force you to feel a certain way, but Jungkook looks like a good guy and he's probably worth giving a chance. Maybe he can make up for the lack of attention or touch you're yearning for. Maybe this can help stray you away from Jin."

"I... fucked him, though." You emphasized as reality settled in.

"Jungkook doesn't need to know that, you aren't a couple and you just met him last night." She sighed. "Please just promise me you'll give him a chance and stop meddling with engaged men. We all know Jin is beautiful, but we can't settle this way." You slightly chuckle. She was right. Maybe you just longed for someone good. Maybe it was time you started dating again. You couldn't have this with Jin, and you couldn't expect him to drop everything with Grace. Your gut was telling you that it wasn't going to happen that way, even with how things went down last night. What's done is done.

However, could you absolutely 100% say you'll keep up this end of the promise? No. You were being honest. It wasn't going to be easy, not with the way he fucked you so good last night. You let that door open and you weren't sure if you were ready to close it for good.

"Yeah, I hear you." She nodded, sighing in relief.

"Bitch, I don't believe you!"

"Stop, okay. I'll do my best." You shrug while she continued to cut her eyes at you.

"God, what a fucking night."

"Tell me about it."

"Was the dick good though?"

"Ry!"

"Probably a dumb question, huh? Jin is truly a work of art."

"Not helping."

"So is Jungkook." She added. "What a family. I'm sure his dick will be twice as big with all that muscle he's packing. It's exciting to think about."

"I—" You pause, shaking your head. "It doesn't work that way, Ry. Let's just not, please." She chuckled.

"You're going to see Jin in class and just remember him destroying your pussy. Creative writing, who?"

"Fuck, okay! For the love of God. Are you finished?"

"I think." She laughed. "Just about." And so you continue walking around the lake, Ryujin now divulging the details about grabbing Namjoon's number and how she was interested in seeing where that went. Then, she finally put her pride aside and honestly told you how she had some feelings for Taehyung but she knew he wouldn't be getting his shit together anytime soon. So, she didn't pursue it, and probably won't. But, she was close. Not like this was anything new to you or Jimin.

You both ended up walking around the streets a little more before Ryujin decided she wanted to go home and take a nap to feel fully rested. You, too, were feeling tired being that you didn't really sleep for more than 4 or so hours. You got into your jammies, and laid in your bed, completely disregarding the assignments you had planned to get done.

It felt like you were asleep for all of 5 minutes before your phone went off.

You sleepily opened your eyes to see Jungkook's name flash across your screen, so you picked it up as you dug yourself back under your covers completely.

"Hello?" You said softly, causing Jungkook to chuckle.

"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry, Y/N. Just let me--"

"You're okay, Jungkook. I should be getting up anyways." The thing about Jungkook, even though last night was really the only time you could say you 'spent' time with him, was that he had the softest demeanor. He was kind, and sweet. He was almost innocent in a sense, but you knew he was just an all-around gentleman.

"Tired from last night?" Mmm, you have no idea, love.

"Yeah, a bit. Did you finish running your errands?"

"Just about. I had to stop by Jin's really quickly to pick something up." That name makes you feel hot and bothered, especially in between the thighs. "I literally just stepped through my door, but I wanted to see how you were doing." You hear him fiddling with stuff in the background before shutting a door.

"That's sweet. I'm surviving." You chuckle.

"You and me both." He lets out a content sigh, assuming he had just plopped onto his bed or couch. "So, are you free this week?"

"I don't really have a life." You shake your head. The fuck Y/N, get it together?! "I-I mean, I do, but like, I meant to say I don't really do much outside of school and work." He laughed.

"Either way, I don't judge. What about Tuesday or Wednesday? Would you be able to spare me an entire evening on one of those days?"

"An entire evening, huh?" You chuckled. "Tuesday. I don't have late classes that day."

"Yeah, I planned a few things."

"What's the plan?"

"Mmm, I do remember saying I wouldn't spill the details."

"That's not fair."

"It'll be worth the wait, I hope." You blushed to yourself. Why was he so fucking cute?

"Setting yourself up for some high expectations, Jungkook."

"Never settle, right? Besides, I just want you to have a good time. That's all that matters to me."

"Cute." You chuckle. "Well, I'm looking forward to it." The phone conversation continues, even as you start getting up to finish up your homework. You easily felt comfortable with Jungkook, talking about random things and going off on different tangents. The more you slowly got to know him and the type of person he was, the more you felt torn. You just had this discussion with Ryujin and you were confident at the time; but as the day went on, you really couldn't stop considering Jin as an option. You wanted to hold onto something that wasn't even yours to begin with. On top of that, here was the added complication of Jungkook. Although it was too early to really determine what was going on between you and Jungkook, you didn't wanna stop exploring the possibilities with him. So now, you were in this predicament where you wanted to hold onto something that wasn't even yours to begin with, but you also wanted to see what Jungkook was about.

How the fuck do you even see your way out of things like this without hurting anyone?

[ start flashback ]

Jin held your hips as you straddled him, guiding your hips as you rode him on the edge of his bed. You fixed your position so that you rested your feet on the bed, your hands on his shoulders and your legs working inwards in circular motions. You watched as Jin tilted his head back, his hands now running up your back to help support you.

"You know how to ride my dick so fucking well." He groans as he tilts his head back in pleasure.

"God, fuck, I'm gonna cum, Jin." You moan, gripping onto his shoulders tightly, nails scratching the surface and leaving red marks. His soft hands are caressing your back as he leans forward to lick a stripe up your cleavage and to your neck. He begins to suck gently on the base of your neck, gently nipping at your skin. He makes his way up to your lips as your hands are gripping around his thick neck, fighting for dominance with your tongue. His moans are captured inside your mouth as you begin to lightly bounce on his cock. Once you feel yourself beginning to spiral out of control and lose your senses, you begin to moan loudly, calling for Jin as if he wasn't just sitting below you, feeling you cum all over him.

He watches your facial expressions change as you ride out your high, making it enough for him to blow his load right into you. The veins on his neck begin to pop out as you hold him close, him filling you up and coating your walls with his seed while you continue to grip his neck and—

[ end flashback ]

"Y/N!" Jimin says at a rough, low whisper. "Hello?" You shake your head to bring yourself back to reality, the events of last night constantly taking up your conscience. It's obvious the promise you had made Ryujin was proving difficult to keep, being that you brought your ass over to Jin's house last night for another good fuck. You had hurriedly got yourself up and out of his house to make it to work, with Jin almost coaxing you into another round of 'me & you' time. And god, did you wanna risk being late for work for it, especially since Grace would be back later in the day.

"Sorry, Jiminie." You say, taking out a piece of binder paper. "W-what are we doing?"

"We have to work on this question together." He furrows his eyebrows a bit, confused as to why you've been in a daze all class. "Are you okay? You've been out of it all class."

"I'm fine. I just barely got any sleep last night and I'm dying to go home."

"Mmm, okay. Well, we're almost there, just hang tight." He continues to write his notes. You shoot Jin a look at the front of the room, a very subtle smirk on his face as he presses his glasses against his face and makes his way around the room to check on the rest of the class. Jimin is leading most of the conversation, and you know he's doing this because he's worried about you but he doesn't wanna press much on what's been bothering you. After a few minutes, Jimin changes the topic as you both are almost finishing up the partner work. "So, have you talked to Jungkook?"

"Yeah, I have." He smiles. He smiles from ear to ear because he really wanted to see you happy after all the things you've gone through and he was excited to see what could come out of this. And, that smile gets you every single time because if he only knew, he would be incredibly disappointed in you. Jimin was the one you were afraid of disappointing because he meant a lot to you [along with Ryujin and Taehyung] and he thought so highly of you. He never failed to remind you of it, and how he truly adored the strength you had.

Welp.

"So?" You chuckle.

"What?"

"Are you gonna go on the date with him?"

"I am, tomorrow."

"Oh shit!" He says excitedly. "Y/N has a date with Jungkook." He repeatedly teases and looks over at Taehyung and Ryujin working behind you two.

"Jimin, quit." You whine.

"You two doing okay here?" Jin comes from behind you, his facial expression slightly unamused.

"Sorry, yeah, we're good!" Jimin responds in typical Jimin fashion, chuckling and throwing a thumbs up his way. Jin simply nods, then fixates on you while pointing the piece of paper in his hand towards your way.

"Can I speak to you after class, Miss Y/L/N?"

"Yeah, sure." You swallow the lump in your throat as he sends you a reassuring smile before walking off.

"Whatever it is, tell him I didn't copy your shit word for word." You throw your pen at Taehyung.

"You're an idiot." Ryujin flashes you a look, dying to say something, but she knows she can't since she promised she wouldn't around Tae and Jimin.

[ryujin] 7:34pm: what the fuck is that about?

[y/n] 7:35pm: how do i know?!

[ryujin] 7:36pm: you should since you've been riding that man's dick! i'm onto you, woman! you said you promised :( come on, stay strong for jungkookie

[y/n] 7:37pm: ugh, i'm pretty sure it's nothing, okay? relax

You shoot her a look in hopes that she'll quit acting the way she is before the boys question you both. Class begins to wrap up, with you and Jimin passing your papers forward to be looked at and graded. The classroom is slowly emptying, your friends almost being the last ones out.

"Do you want us to wait for you?" Jimin asks as you both are about to approach the front desk. You shake your head and give him a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll be fine." He shrugs.

"Get some sleep then, okay? You worry me. Text me if you need anything." He ruffles your hair before walking out. You watch as Taehyung follows behind, quickly caressing your chin before shooting Jin a nod and walking out. Ryujin simply looks at you as she walks out, slowly hovering by the door as you turn your attention towards Jin.

"Uhm." He chuckles as he sees Ryujin still peeking by the door. "Is there anything else I can help you with, Miss Shin?"

"Noooo." She presses her lips tightly together as she slowly passes the door. You mouth for her to go and she simply rolls her eyes and walks away completely. Jin walks over to the door and shuts it close, being sure that no one else is hovering around.

"What do you need?" You hold onto your books tightly.

"Wanted to make sure you were okay."

"What makes you think I'm not okay?" You ask. You put up this wall in between you and Jin every time you have to be his student. You only felt obligated to, and you sure as hell didn't wanna make it obvious that there were things going on between you two beneath the surface. Having Ryujin know was enough work alone.

"You do know I can see you during class, right?"

"I'm fine. I'm just really tired." He nods.

"So, going on a date with Kook tomorrow, huh?" You roll your eyes.

"What's this really about, Jin?"

"Why are you catching an attitude with me? It's just a question."

"Yeah, I am." You look at him, the jealousy coming through to his eyes. He doesn't say much, nor does he break contact with you as he leans over on the front desk.

"Have fun with that."

"I will. Don't you have to pick up your fiancé?" He looks at his watch.

"In a few, yeah." You roll your eyes and subtly shake your head. Honestly, you have no fucking idea why there was so much bitter tension in the air between you two right now. You both had no right to be acting this possessive or jealous, especially Jin. But, he was wreaking of it and he didn't even have to try to show it. He wasn't even trying to shield it, for that matter.

"Good, you should get going then. Let me get out of your way—"

"I still wanna see you."

"And how is that gonna work?"

"You can tone it down, you know? No one's here." He says, slightly feeling agitated by your attitude. "Last time I remember correctly, you were in my bed calling my name."

"Jin." You flatly say. "Look, I don't know how that's possible. Maybe it's just something we need to tone down in general." He lightly scoffs.

"Okay. Clearly not trying to make ends meet here."

"Not with Grace around."

"Not with Jungkook around either." He retorts.

"I can do what I want, even if that includes your brother." You cut your eyes at him. "I'm not the one engaged, remember? Are we finished here?" Where the fuck did all this attitude and bitter energy come from? You had no idea. You were just going along with Jin's vibe, and quite frankly, he had started it with slipping Jungkook into the conversation the way that he did.

With reality really slapping you in the face tonight, you were beginning to understand how incredibly difficult it would be to keep this up with Grace back. You weren't sure if you could keep up. You knew it wasn't worth it, but Jin certainly had his ways to keep you wrapped around his finger.

Part of you also can't help but feel your pussy throb at this entire encounter. You knew he'd fuck you good and senseless with all this energy—Nope! We are not going there.

"Just about." He says lowly as he watches you swing the door open and slam it close.

"Hey!" Ryujin says coming out of the corner. You should've known.

"Girl, why the hell am I even surprised you came out of the corner like that?"

"I don't know, beats me. You should know me by now."

"Where's Chim and Tae?"

"Went home. I said I needed to stay behind to finish up some things." She flipped her hair. "So, what was that about?"

"Can you believe he has the nerve to ask me about the date with Jungkook? Made me catch an attitude with him."

"Ooooh, he doesn't like it one bit. How spicy." She catches herself. "Except we're not doing anything with Jin, remember?!"

"Too late, I already fucked him again last night." You blatantly spill the beans. Ryujin already knows, there's no point in hiding it.

"Oh for Christ's sake, I knew it! You both wreak of day after secret sex!"

"What is that even supposed to mean!"

"I know you both are trying really hard not to be obvious, but it's obvious, honey. You two can't stop staring at each other! You need to quit it, now."

"I am, okay? Grace is back."

"If she wasn't, would you be back at his place though?"

"I don't know." She groans.

"Wrong answer!"

"Look, calm down. Maybe things will change tomorrow." You say in a positive light.

"Hopefully?! Please don't hurt the guy, Y/N. He seems like a sweetie who would take good care of you!"

"I hear you."

"Please." She pleads. You have never seen her plead like this before, so you knew it was serious. "Don't do this to yourself. You've already been through enough."

"Okay, Ry. I won't." You squeeze her arm. The rest of the walk to your cars is pretty silent, with Ryujin updating you a bit on the latest news of her love life. To be honest, the entire conversation with Ryujin had brought your spirits down. It was hard to focus on whatever she was saying because you were too busy thinking about your own thoughts. It's annoying as hell. Why the fuck was this so hard for you?

Later that night, you get yourself into a nice, hot bath, scrolling through your phone as you and Jungkook text each other back and forth. You hadn't heard from Jin, but you didn't know why you were looking for him knowing where he was at. To be fair, he really did want to talk to you. He was starting to feel needy, and almost possessive. He felt greedy with you, even though he knew it wasn't right. Picking up Grace, he tried his hardest to put on his 'welcome home' face, his 'i missed you' face; even though he had been pretty occupied with other things.

And so when he gets home, Grace suddenly throws herself on her fiancé, almost like she had been gone for months on end. He wasn't expecting it, but he was a man who had needs, so he lets it happen. He wraps himself up, knowing Grace wasn't on any type of birth control and knowing where he had been. She doesn't question it because it wasn't anything new - she knew Jin wasn't ready for kids and nor was she being at this point in her career. Nothing has changed for her as she gets home, although lots has for him. He's trying his hardest to get into the soft, vanilla sex that Grace was always into, but he couldn't get your face out of his mind. And as completely and utterly fucked up this is, you're what gets him off tonight. The nasty, filthy shit you do to him, the faces you make, the way you yell his name like no one else exists - your moans repeating in his head over and over again like sirens.

And Grace has no idea what's going on in that itty bitty head of his. She just enjoys the fact that she can come home to him and have sex with him like any ordinary couple who had been away from each other. They cum together once and she calls it a night, when Jin could go for hours with you, pussy and cock almost throbbing in pain from how much you two can't keep your hands off of each other in one night.

She doesn't know you exist. She doesn't know you've slept on her side of the bed.

She doesn't know you're the one who's actually fucking Jin right now with the way he's thinking about you.

You're exactly what he needs to get off.

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seasonofthegeek · 5 years ago

Text

Here comes a personal post because this week has been a doozy and I want to get some words out. Also please don’t reblog this post. This is just for me to get some thoughts down and there’s no reason to spread it. Thanks. :)

Back in May, I began having passive suicidal thoughts and knew I needed to get some help. I didn’t want to actively hurt myself, but I thought it might be better for everyone in my life if something happened to me and I died. After a visit to the doctor, I started an antidepressant that worked for me and I got back to a mental level I was more comfortable with. A few months later, something happened to someone I love dearly and it showed me that I was just teetering on the edge, even with the meds, so I sought out a therapist to have someone outside of my life to talk to.

It’s been a great experience and my therapist is easy to talk to but also good at keeping me accountable in the tasks I’ve set for myself, while also reminding me that it’s okay to fail. She listens and offers advice when it’s warranted and some sessions I’ve just walked in and word vomited for an hour and that’s been fine. A few sessions ago, she suggested I start seeing a psychiatrist to get to the root of some of my issues. She was wondering if I had bipolar disorder (my brother was diagnosed with it ) and put the ball in my court to contact someone if it was something I wanted to explore further.

I was an anxious mess but called one of the psychiatrists my therapist recommended and set up an appointment. That appointment finally came up this past Tuesday and after battling an angry child not wanting to go to school, no time for breakfast, construction traffic, and school traffic, I finally made it to my appointment twenty minutes late (I called on the way, of course).

I was a wreck and almost didn’t get out of my car when I pulled into the parking lot, but I forced myself out into the cold and then into an unknown office. After a few minutes, I was taken back to meet my psychiatrist and he was one of those people who can immediately put others at ease. He recognized the My Hero characters on my hoodie and told me his daughter loved the show. He smiled and made small talk.

And then he read aloud the notes my therapist had sent him with my consent.

I’m going to be honest, it was ROUGH hearing everything I’ve been dealing with read by someone I just met in the span of a few minutes. He went through it simply, not commenting, just relaying information. I took a big breath when he finished and told him it was hard to hear it all at once. And he smiled and suggested we just start from the beginning.

And that’s how the rest of the appointment was. He was pleasant and kept things simple and asked questions that led me down different paths of conversation. He told me that I would be diagnosing myself with his help and that I had all the power.

It was refreshing.

My therapist is great and she has helped me with a lot of issues, but she can mainly just offer advice on how to deal with things.

My psychiatrist led me to understand why I deal with the issues I have and where they stem from. It was something I’d never given much thought to honestly. I’ve had bad things happen to me, I think everyone has in different degrees, but I didn’t think any of them really shaped the person I am. I was wrong.

After discussing things, we both decided that I’m not bipolar because it didn’t fit for me. I do have depression and anxiety though and they were manifesting in ways that can mimic some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I have a feeling I’m always going to remember how he explained my level of anxiety too.

Dr. S: If I said to you, Kayla, do you think most people deal with this level of anxiety in their day to day lives? Would you say “no” or would you say “duh”?

Me, thinking my high level of anxiety is completely ordinary, laughed: I’d say duh.

Dr. S with his nice smile: Ah, see, that’s not the case.

Me: ...oh. Ohhhhhhh.

It was a bit of a revelation to find out this brain stuff I deal with constantly isn’t the norm for everyone else. I didn’t realize most people don’t think when they tell their family goodbye in the morning that it might be the last time they see them because something horrible is going to happen or that their house is going to catch on fire when they go on vacation. I didn’t know most other people didn’t check for their keys three to four times before locking their cars in the fear of locking themselves out. It didn’t occur to me that a lot of people don’t think their friends hate them just because they haven’t spoken in a few hours/days/weeks.

It was almost a relief to find out and at the same time there was morbid fascination in realizing how off my thinking is because of the anxiety.

He helped me trace it all the way back to being a child and what caused it and how the depression came into play because the anxiety was fear and fear made me feel helpless and that made me angry. I used to have angry outbursts and temper tantrums out of the blue up to adulthood. I learned to monitor myself better and get things out before they blew up as I got older, but with Dr. S’s help, I could go back and see where it had started and that I’ve carried it my whole life.

I’ll probably always carry it, but now I know and now I can start working on it.

So that’s what happened with me and my brain stuff which is more than enough for one week, but my son’s brain stuff came into play on Friday.

My son is, goodness, he’s just amazing. He’s my world. He’s funny and goofy and creative and a butthead and moody and loving and better than I could’ve ever imagined. For the past couple of years, it’s become more and more obvious that he wasn’t quite like other kids his age. He was developing slower and didn’t start really speaking until he started doing speech therapy. Even after a little over a year, a lot of his speech still comes from mimicking.

He started school this year and I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was called back in on the first day after he’d been there for two hours. He’d had a meltdown in the cafeteria because it was too loud and his speech therapist (who thankfully was the same person he’d been working with the previous year as a private student) picked him up from his class and took him to her room as a safe space for him to calm down. He adores her and was able to soothe himself as soon as he was in that familiar setting. I went to a meeting on the first day of school to find that my son was not going to be able to make it through the whole school day, but the school wanted to work with him so he’d still be able to attend. We cut his days down to two and a half hours and went from there.

A month or so after that, a meeting was set up with the district psychologist who wanted permission to observe him and see what further help might be needed. She suggested letting an occupational therapist and physical therapist observe and test him too and I consented to all it. He was having issues connecting to the other kids in his class and he couldn’t seem to follow the schedule. The teacher worked with him the best she could, giving him a visual task calendar he could follow and use to point to and other similar things, but she also has seventeen other students. I knew more help was needed.

So for the past couple of months, he’s been going to his general education class and his speech therapy while also being observed by a psychologist on some days. He did a couple of sessions of testing with an occupational therapist and a physical therapist (who cleared him with a laugh that he is definitely strong and super fast). It was all coming down to the meeting we had on Friday.

Seven women sat around the table and showed me how each of them wanted to help my son. I’m tearing up just thinking back on it, to be honest. The psychologist broke everything down for me and made sure I could see every step of the process they’d all gone through while watching my son. At the beginning of the year, he’d started with paperwork stating that he was receiving help with speech and language but that was being moved to a secondary position because he was now being categorized as mild to moderate on the autism spectrum.

I’d had a feeling about autism. I’d wondered about it from time to time. He fit some of the indicators. Like with finding out about myself, it was a bit of a relief. There’s something about knowing that is just so helpful because then you can ask, “Okay, what are the next steps we need to take?”

They suggested moving him into the special education class. It’s half the size of the class he is currently in, he’s already familiar with the teacher, his speech therapist works in that class a lot, and he knows two of the students from his group speech sessions.

LIfe is kinda funny how it works out sometimes. My mom has worked with special ed kids most of my life. I went into her classroom all through high school and got to know the students in there. We’ve discussed the past year or so that my son might need that kind of help, even if it is only for a little while. So when this group of teachers and therapists and the psychologist recommended moving him, I felt comfortable agreeing. I know from the other side of things that it is not something done lightly or suggested easily.

The psychologist even said it might be something he only needs for a year or two and if they can get him coming to school for longer periods of time, they want to get him back into the general class he was in for short periods. I know they’re looking out for him. They’ve already done so much to accommodate him and I can see they truly care for his development. I feel really lucky that he is going to the school he’s at.

I’m relieved and I’m worried. He’ll start his new class on Monday and I know it’s going to be a tough transition, but I hope it’s for the best. He’s such a smart kid and he’s got a great imagination and I know he’s got a lot going on in that lil noggin. I just want to do the best I can for him.

So I’m watching out for him and I’m trying to take care of me for me and for him (and for my husband and my best friend and my parents). It’s been a lot to learn in the span of a few days but I feel hopeful for the future. <3

#personal post #tw suicude #anxiety #depression #autism

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fisherfurbearer · 5 years ago

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I would absolutely live to hear about Future Plans and heritage fruits! My partners and I are looking at buying a house by the end of the year and I'm so excited at the prospect of a back yard to fill with food plants and gardening and everything! So I'd love to know more about someone else's plans!!

mmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM YOU OPENED THE CAN OF WORMS THE WORMS ARE OPEN THEY ARE EVERYWHERE NOW!!!! OHHHHHHH JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING CAN STOP THIS!!!!

MMMMMM. I LOVE. DOMESTIC CROPS AND ANIMALS. SO MUCH.

SPECIFICALLY “heritage” varieties. The pre-industrial/commercial varieties that people lived on for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, or even the stuff younger than that, it’s just...so!! Good!!!

You didn’t QUITE ask for this but this is where I’m going with it. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. The HISTORY of our domesticated crops (specifically fruits and vegetables, but mostly Tree Fruits!!!! But I’m also suuuuper partial to heirloom sweet potatoes/normal potatoes even though I don’t like the taste of sweet potatoes, they’re just SO FRICKING COOL and I want to learn more about other vegetables too) and animals is just....HOOOOO!!!!

Locally adapted,, perfect little....NUGGETS that just...perfectly fit their own SPECIFIC LITTLE NICHES...no matter WHERE you live, no matter HOW much space you have, no matter HOW good or bad your soil, NO MATTER WHAT, there is ALWAYS something to grow or raise, and we can thank so, so much of that to the incredible variety of heritage crops/animals (and methods of agriculture) out there. Mild, cold, hot! Lots of space, little space, no space!! Fertile, barren!! Every condition in every color and shape and flavor and size and ahhhhhhh!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

Hold onto your butts because this is one Hell of a Mega Ramble okay, there is so much to talk about here, oh man.

Some background, which you can skip if you want...!!! It’s a LOT and it get’s VERY NEGATIVE but also VERY GOOD AND HOPEFUL, it’s a real big story and it’s My Story and gives a lot of insight into Why I’m Like This but it’s okay to skip for sure!! Anyway:

I’ve been researching (i.e. writing literally 1.5-2k+ words nearly every single day) for literally 7 years now about all of my various Passions and Plans in life. Obviously breaks were taken due to Sad Times but no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I’d always come back to my dumb awful stupid notes. I have notes on my current laptop, my old harddrive, my SO’s laptop, my stepdad’s laptop, my SO’s OLD gaming laptop, my old netbook, my OLD OLD netbook, every phone I’ve had in the past 7 years (which has been like uhh...five? I have bad luck with phones..) and COUNTLESS pieces of paper and cheap composition books.

To call it research, it seems to silly. Writing these words here, to you strangers on the internet, I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how VITAL these notes are to my VERY EXISTANCE.

I have been researching and writing and talking to folks and asking questions and LIVING AND BREATHING this stuff for LITERALLY, LITERALLY HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS if not ALMOST A THOUSAND OR MORE HOURS at this point!!!! If we were to actually SOMEHOW backtrack all the way to late 8th grade/freshman year when I first started dipping my toes into reptiles and fell in love with my first jumping spider that landed on my arm after I read Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak, after being so fascinated by the intelligent giant magic tarantula in the first book, and gathered ALL of my notes from then to NOW (I’m 21 now, if I was in college, I’d be graduating next May) it would EASILY surpass that. For YEARS in high school my family thought I was always playing games on my laptop, but really from the moment I got home to the moment I went to bed, I was watching lets plays with one side of the screen and reading, reading, reading, and writing, writing, writing with the other. For HOURS. Every. Single. Day.

Hell, this has been my most recent “Renaissance” of writing, after The Big Realization of earlier this year (I’ll get to that), and this is AFTER I went on a horrible depressed/manic rampage and deleted like 80% of my notes (that would have been from...hmm. This is what I didn’t delete, what Jessie recovered, and what I’ve added...so March to Early September, when Jessie switched my notes to a new program (I lost a lot of notes from lack of autosaving so now they’re on our nextcloud so I can’t lose them...but I’m too stubborn to use it still) and this is still like. A lot.

Keep in mind the average 10-11 kb file is 1500-1700 words for me. My biggest files (only of the ones I still have, on this laptop) are 40-60 kb. (Also these are Big Secrets that I don’t ever show anyone but Jessie, who I’ve been with now for almost 7 years, so this is pretty dang important to me and a big thing to be revealing.)

Current folder I’m usually saving to:

Nextcloud I don’t bother to use usually but probably should use:

Again, this is ONLY on my newest laptop, and this DOESN’T include the files I deleted a few months ago, nor the files I lost from February-early April after Jessie updated my computer and wiped my files, and I still have a BUTTLOAD left on my old harddrive from last year, but we never moved it up and I don’t feel a need to. (I’ve learned so much. So. Much. In the past year. I think I’ve matured a lot and really become more...Me. But I’ll get to that.)

Also doesn’t include the SEVERAL notebooks I’ve filled front to back this year (cheap $0.50 ones from work...I’ve blown through a couple biggish ones and I think 2-3 little quarter-size memo books) and all the receipt papers I have crammed into my work uniform...

But anyway why is this important? It really helps iron in just how HUGE this is to me. My future “Plans” aren’t just...it’s really important to me. Okay? I am but a humble stranger on the internet and my life and everyone elses’ respective lives are infinitely more complex than we can ever dare imagine one anothers’ existences to be, but just trust me when I say that I’m not pulling this from nowhere, this shit isn’t some sort of “fad” to me, this has been a long, long series of events and realizations and heartbreaks and so, so much pain that have finally led to everything kinda falling into place sometime this year where it hit me.

You see...all of my research topics followed a pattern. It went, in my rough memory, something like this.

It started with reptiles. Lots of reptiles. So many reptiles. I was so naive and young then and my sources sucked and I was very much a novice who dreamed of owning all sorts of cool reptiles when I got older, and of getting a gecko when I went to college. That was how it started and it went downhill from there. I branched off into gardening (I wanted and still want a blue tongue skink and had thoughts about how I’d grow a garden for vegetables and squashes and stuff for the skink and feeder insects) and THAT grew into this whole THING about raised bed gardening, square foot gardening, then into permaculture, which planted the seed for many things to come...and now I’ve ALWAYS LOVED BIRDS,, but when I learned that keeping CHICKENS was a thing (thank you Jennifer (Nambroth)!!!!!!!!!! Our emails back and forth are still saved forever, our talks about chickens changed my life and way of thinking Forever!!!) and I researched that, then I’d jump back to reptiles again, and back to chickens, then more reptiles, then chickens and QUAIL, or OTHER poultry,, and so on and so on. This beautiful fluid branching path that would always rebound on itself and I’d drop some topics, gain new ones, revisit old ones, learn what I liked, what I didn’t like, what were brief interests, and what were there to stay.

Some topics (chickens, new caledonian geckos, antaresia pythons, tarantulas, gardening...) would always come back. No matter what I did...they came back. As I grew as a person, I started to figure out what was important to me (CONSERVATION, animal welfare, reptile/invertebrate enrichment, vivarium design, combining art with animals, and did I mention CONSERVATION? and combating climate change/The World but that came later.) and while some of those points didn’t show up in my research until later...like my obsession with native wildlife/plants and domestic species...it never went away.

And as I grew older, outside of my research life went on, and I really went through A Lot in these seven years. Undiagnosed anxiety/depression all through high school, practically living in the guidance office junior/senior year, dealing with an emotionally abusive and animal abuser teacher for many years, living with my emotionally abusive/narcissistic mother, and eventually going to an amazing art college and having both the best and worst time of my life (Hahah!! Almost straight As and skipped a writing class with my amazing scores and was top of my class, Dean’s list first semester, in the Visionary Women’s Honors society, worked in the admissions office and did lots of cool things, but hahaha also really wanted to die and was Destroying Myself) and trying to get help while keeping it a secret from my mom...lo and behold of course she eventually found out about the Depression when I had to go inpatient near the end of my second semester, and she. HA, I can’t even cry about this anymore. She literally disowned me (took all my money, sold my car, cut me off of health insurance, made me pay my own hospital bills, refused to do my FAFSA for college anymore, dropped all support, and later when I had to come home because I relapsed again and the college made me go on a medical leave of absense, she threatened to kick me out and call the police [hilariously enough though the house was owned by my stepdad, not her, so she couldn’t do anything. Also I never did anything to her and she was just crazy and made up excuses. But yeah not fun trying to walk to work and being threatened over the phone that she was going to have me dragged out of work by the cops and not to come home, hahaha!!!!!! But then also when I did live with my neighbor for a few days she was apparently so distraught?? Haha what a weird person!!!! I haven’t seen her for three years now and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t mourn for me, it’s SO Much better now. Speaking of, she was a PETA-hugging ARA nutjob and if she knew what I was planning on doing she would’ve disowned me either way!!!!!!), and of course fighting to be able to move out and rent an apartment with my SO (I hate the word boyfriend. It’s been 7 years come January 11th, and we’ve been through so fucking much. And she [my mom...] and other people always made fun of him being my BOYFRIEND that that word is tainted for me...so Significant Other it is) and then being forced to live alone there for a couple months,, and then even after that, the fights with his family, the car accident in November, my mom ruining all chances of me going to college (keep in mind I had after leaving college, spent the next TWO AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE trying to make it so I COULD go back, spent all of my time, energy, hope, eVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING trying to do so,,, and she manipulated me and then lied to me and made it so I couldn’t), my rebounding depression, my Intensifying Aggression (terrifying. Developed when I was in college...I guess it’s some kind of rapid bipolar disorder, maybe triggered by me going on antidepressants in college, they said. But it was so long ago and they never knew the full story for a proper diagnosis anyway. But it’s gotten manageable and We’re Coping), the housefire on Christmas, moving Once Again to the new place and being told I can’t bring my 15 year old cat (he’s with my stepdad still now but it’s not okay.), the rats have to be in the basement, and oh yeah if you want to attend college again loans will be nearly 13% interest hahaha!!! and then finally just straight up breaking down in February and not leaving bed for DAYS and nearly committing suicide, just the real worst time ever, and my former therapist/psychiatrist place weren’t responding (turns out they discharged me!! haha kinda hard to make appointments WHEN YOU DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE and we DIDN’T GET THE NOTICE IN THE MAIL because our HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED and my mail was being sent to my STEPDADS an hour away!!!!!!!! Also really hard to talk to you when you BLOCK OUR FUCKING NUMBER and HANG UP ever time we fucking call haha!!!!!! Literally on the verge of suicide and not on my anxiety meds for MONTHS but hey sure that works too guys!!!!) which really didn’t help, and yeah it was really just the pits! Just the absolute pits, the Very Worst.

Now at this point I don’t remember exactly when/what changed, but SOMETHING did.

Leading up to February, I wanna say it was about October that I started getting kinda weirdly depressed, and I started REALLY tanking after the fire. After the fire, I had to move back to my stepdads within the night, and had to live without Jessie again and commute really far and keep the tarantulas a secret and in general be very alone and very sad. I started wearing down and it was getting so hard to just...enjoy. Anything. Even just taking care of the pets became difficult, and doing art or researching was impossible. I just...didn’t care anymore. I stopped caring.

On top of that, my climate grief and general feelings of Despair were at an all time high, and I just didn’t. Fucking. CARE. What happened next.

I spent YEARS of my life WEARING MYSELF TO THE BONE trying to get into college, the get back into college, to just try to do this thing that I was supposed to do, my ONE hope of having a career and a future that I probably wouldn’t even be happy with (I was an illustration major. I liked drawing. It’s what I was best at. But looking back, I wouldn’t have been happy doing it for a living. And Moore [no that’s not what my blog is named for, it just also happens to be my last name] was a great college but it just...wasn’t worth $30k a year with no cosigner for loans, even AFTER my scholarships) and my body and mind were wearing down and no matter what I did I didn’t care about myself, my animals, my partner, my life, nothing. I can’t explain how terrifying that is. Of all the time in my life, I think this was the worst. On top of my life problems, it must be said again that my climate grief and Misery regarding the state of our country and the world was also at an all-time-high, and I just felt...POWERLESS. Powerless and empty and uncaring and dead inside. I really wanted to just...drive off a bridge or eat a ton of pills (which I did do a couple times, don’t do that. Please. It’s NOT worth it.) and just stop Existing.

But then something just...changed.

I don’t know what it was, exactly. But I got SOMETHING back. SOMETHING “clicked”.

I’m crying a bit now. It’s so stupid to say, but I truly believe this is what saved my life. Realizing my purpose in life. That everything fell into place and finally made sense.

I’m going to be a bit more concise here but...basically...many of my passions and smaller aspects of myself all fell into place, so PERFECTLY.

It hit me that...ah jeez.

I will digress one more second. For those of you who don’t know, I have two Eurydactylodes geckos, named Vladimir (E. vieiliardi) and Estragon (E. agricolae). They are named for my favorite drama that we read in AP English, Waiting for Godot. It’s an aburdist theater play about two men who wait under a tree for someone (we don’t know who, just that his name is Godot) and that’s about it. Everyone had a lot of different things to say about that weird little book, but my take on it was that it’s supposed to be what happens to two men when they lack a “purpose” in life. Existentialism, and all that. They sit there and sit there and completely lose themselves just WAITING for this guy that they don’t even remember, they don’t even know why they’re there, and they do nothing to try and change that. The difference between existentialism and absurdism, however, is that absurdism specifically discusses this idea of a Chaotic Universe, this Lack of Meaning, this pointless quest of humanity to seek value and meaning in a universe without reason. It’s a fruitless effort, it’s Absurd! But the beauty of absurdism, this tiny idea that stayed with me in the goofy names of my geckos (I chose the names because I thought the play was amusing and I loved the characters’ relationship, which is Quite Gay and so Loving and Charming it warms my heart, and I loved that they called each other “Didi” and “Gogo”) and really held true to my own life. I DO NOT believe that THIS is why this change happened for me, but it’s ironic, no?

Back to Absurdism, Absurdism says... “here is this meaningless, Chaotic, RIDICULOUS universe. There is NO reason for ANYTHING, there NEVER will be, you DO NOT MATTER, you DO NOT HAVE A PLACE HERE. There is NO POINT to anything. So fuck it, and try to find one anyway.”

My original therapist did not understand why I found this so wonderful and inspiring. It’s so rebellious and selfish, I LOVE IT. To embrace the Absurd is to take the bull by the horns and flip it upside down! It’s to stare all of this dreadful pointlessness in the Void, and when it says “Why bother? Why care about these insignificant invertebrates? These ridiculous reptiles? These ABSURD apples???” and flip the bird both hands and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO, BECAUSE I SAID SO, BECAUSE I AM HUMAN, AND I CAN!!!” It’s...also more than that, it’s this long, defiant lifelong journey, this stupid, ridiculous journey of fumbling about trying to find one’s place in a cruel, vast world, and finding oneself in that journey.

I love people. I love the ABSURDITY of humanity, of people, of myself, of others. A Huge part of my Future Plans has to do with People, and Community, and Changing my little patch of the world. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but I know it can make a difference to someone and myself and that’s what matters.

Anyway back to the Clickening.

Around that time I had a moment like that. It was as if something in my mind was screaming at me, listen. You are here, and you have always been here to love animals, to love life, to make art, to tell stories with your art, to raise little sheeps.

And like that, it started Something.

I agreed to go to a local doctor, and was put on antidepressants. I’ve been on them since late February. I also got accommodations for work, so I have two excused absenses due to mental illness each month, which was good, because they tried to fire me 4 times now and they haven’t succeeded yet. (I’m DAMN GOOD at what I do, I’m just Sad and Unlucky and Dumb, but I’m doing a lot better now!!) I started taking all of the things I learned in the past many years and what I’ve learned about myself as a person (I won’t talk about it here but I’ve always struggled with my Identity [not gender wise, just...with my mental health and my mood disorder, it’s really hard to know What is ME and What’s The Illness) and it all started falling into place. My needle felting, my love for animals, conserving native wildlife AND heritage breeds with restoration grazing and positive impact forestry, utilizing my Overwhelming Charisma (in person I swear I’m quite a good talker! Way better than my typing here!) for education, outreach, and farmers market sales, my love for life and my fellow human beings and my plans to work hard to help feed my local communities and encourage sustainable agriculture and the dismantlemant of capitalism Love of our native wilds and backyards alike (I also have Big Thoughts about getting native peoples input as well, but I need to research that more and actually talk to people, but that would be in future years!!), and so, so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That started in late February/early March now, and since then I’ve still had Really bad times, but I’d say in the past mmmmm...probably since late July? I think yeah since about then things have really taken great turns. I’ve Matured a lot, really embraced who I am and what I want to do, and while I KNOW my plans are going to keep changing over time (tentative goal is to look for/buy our property in 2025!! That gives us 5 years post-graduation to settle down and see how things go, where Jessie will be working, where we’ll be living, how my mind changes, all of that!!) but I KNOW in my BONES in my SOUL that this is what I have always been meant to do. To raise things, grow things, and to Care.

ANYWAY WOW HAHAHA YOU SURE DIDN’T ASK FOR ALL THAT BUT THERE YA GO THERE’S THE BACKSTORY, THE FIRST HALF OF THE WORMS!!!!!!

TL;DR: I’m a sad sap who is now slightly less sad and has Big Plans that were 7 years+ in the making and I want to take all my Big Thoughts about exotic welfare (well, reptiles and spiders mostly, but sure) and also apply it to DOMESTIC welfare and Make a Dang Difference!!!!

Okay now I’ve become very burnt out, I’ve been writing for like two hours now? So this part will sadly be shorter, but I will definitely write more about it again if you or anyone else has questions or actually wants to hear about it.

Basically...the amount of These Plans that I am willing to let you folks know, is uhh...oh jeez where do I even begin, haha...

Well it started small plans (early years of research, when I used to think a small greenhouse was Super Wild and Crazy) but nah bruh we goin’ full hog, literally. My plans are to get a decent sized property, still in my state, and have a HUGE focus on Sustainability and Positive Grazing/Management! That means rotational grazing to IMPROVE soils!!! Thinning the woodlot and clearing brush for the HEALTH of the forest!!! Reintroducing blight-resistant american chestnuts to restore our forests and support a healthy wildlife population!!!! Using both honeybees AND cultivated native bees [did you know that’s a thing???? You can buy native bee cocoons, like raised humanely, and raise them for pollinating plants!! Like Orchards!!] and grazing pastured pigs and chickens under orchard trees, while also providing BUTTLOADS of native flowers and domestic tree blossoms for native pollinators!! All that great stuff.

My biggest focuses would be raising practical heritage livestock for sustainable agriculture and conserving heritage fruit trees, with a focus on apples and pears. I also want to grow a lot of mutually beneficial/low-impact perennial resources...think honey, maple syrup, nut trees, stuff like that! And I want to graze on pastures with native grasses and locality-specific wildflowers (check out Ernst Seeds, especially if you live in/near PA like I do!! Wow it’s so frickin’ cool) and focus on northern european short-tailed sheep (finnsheep, gotland, icelandic, leader, shetland, and soay) and small landrace American hogs (american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and the more recent but so full of potential idaho pasture pig. I also want to raise icelandic landrace chickens for utility (parasite/pest management, composting), conservation, and eggs. I also want to raise rabbits (silver fox crosses for meat, and french angora crosses for fiber! I have a dream of producing high quality tri color angora for spinners...three colors on one animal, and I want them to be especially great for fiber artists who want to raise their own fiber animals but don’t have a ton of space) and I have BIG orchard plans...SO MANY ORCHARD PLANS, HHHHHOOO YES....SO GOOD...also COPPICE WITH STANDARDS and FORESTRY and HOO YES!!!!! I LOVE SOME GOOD OL FORESTRY!!!

I think the best way to describe my current plans standings is that it seperates into a couple different “zones”, for my Current Ideas. This has taken months and so many countless hours of thinking, researching, and ironing out, and I’ve made so much headway in just this past week, but basically imagine this...

It’s mostly split into two pastures, the orchard, and the woodlot.

PASTURE 1

Pasture 1 would be the largest, where we would rotationally graze two primary groups of ruminants. Polled NES-T sheep (finnsheep/gotland) and horned sheep (icelandic/leader) with dairy cows (dutch belted) as well. Dutch belted for milk and specifically cheese production, and they would be grazed in front with the icelandics to help take care of the taller grasses that the sheep would avoid, and help keep the sheep a bit safer. All would be guarded by livestock guardian dogs. Group #1 of the icelandic chickens would be grazed behind them, to help break up manure and disrupt parasite cycles.

Pasture itself would be mostly a big bluestem/little bluestem/indian grass/switchgrass mix, with a good variety of livestock-safe wildflowers (small portion being nitrogen-fixers like tick trefoils and pasture pea) and seed-producing flowers for birds (wild birds and our birds!). Would be rotationally grazed 1-2 days at a time (avg. 3-4 days total) with a 21-35+ day rest period. Polled NES-T sheep would be moved to “silvopasture” (copse with standards, a portion of the woodlot, with coppiced trees for fuelwood/timber interspersed with standard-sized mast producting trees [would double as nut and persimmon orchard, and hog foraging in fall/winter!!!]) in the summer to help them deal with the heat. Summer would be the best time, as it’s after the spring predator pressure and before the acorns fall, which could be bad for them if they ingest too many. Rams and hogs would otherwise graze this land with much longer rest periods otherwise (more like 30-45 days or so).

PASTURE 2

Smaller pasture with similar planting, arranged ‘paddock paradise’ style for a small group of icelandic horses (SO GOOD, and useful!! Little horse hooves are much kinder to the forest than a UTV, and herding on horseback is less stressful for the livestock) and rotationally grazed shetland and soay sheep. Pretty simple, but important. Would also contain Icelandic chicken group #2.

ORCHARD

Worthy of a novel all on it’s own. I want to grow semi-dwarf heritage fruit trees with the fruit drop type synced to the rotation of pastured hogs (idaho pasture pig, american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and group #3 of icelandic chickens. Hogs would be in orchard spring-fall, and in the copse with standards fall-early winter. Hogs and chickens would be moved to a holding area during rainy times to help preserve the orchard floor and during winter, where we would also have a large waste management/composting set up for them to root and turn to their hearts content. Should be a lot warmer than the outside in the winter too, and I plan on it being in a high tunnel/hoop house so its covered.

I am ALL ABOUT pairing livestock with crops and encouraging multi-purpose acreage in general, so this is definitely one of my FAVORITE plans so far, and every time I revisit it, it gets better. I also want to raise BEES (honeybees, mason bees, leafcutter bees!!!) for honey and pollination. I also want to plant BUTT-TONS of native flowers and goodies for pollinators, as well as lots of seed producing plants and sunflowers for the chickens to forage for by themselves. These would be some happy livestock, for sure.

WOODLOT

Another huge part of the plan is that I want at LEAST 1/3-1/2 of the property to be Woods. Only a small fraction of the Woods would be managed for livestock foraging and more frequent harvesting (still looking at a good 7-10 year coppice cycle though for trees) and the rest would still be tended to, with the help of the local forestry folks, but it would be preserved for wildlife and low-impact timber and nut/fruit/sap collection.

The VAST MAJORITY of the farm would be multi-purpose acreage for both livestock AND wildlife benefit (and people too of course) and I truly, truly believe and KNOW it can be done. In fact it HAS been done, IS being done, in so many different ways by so many different people in different times, and I know that I want to be a part of it and I can make a difference and use my weird passions for Good and make a dang difference.

Ohhh jeez I’m real sorry I didn’t quite answer your question though but I hope this gives a little insight into what I mean?? And if anyone has Specific questions after reading this (if you make it to the bottom, bless your cotton socks, I’m so proud and also distressed) I can definitely answer them a bit better than this. And hopefully much less...whatever this is, haha!!

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