#ohhhhh no he’s such a happy little guy this is terrible (I am incredibly excited)

[pinkys-plan]

Oh my god my beloved dnd character Klink is gonna have an world-view shattering revelation next session and I am SO hyped,,,,,

[j-elaine-hyde]

The Bean Chronicles: Part 9

Henry Cavill / Reader / Chris Evans

You stood at the sliding glass door staring out at the sunset. Breathing deeply, you felt calm that the only thing that lay in front of you was beautiful crystal clear water.

“Are you feeling any better my love?” Henry came up behind you holding two glasses of wine.

You partially smiled and nodded. He set down the glasses and pulled you into his lap.

“It’ll be ok darling. I promise. Right now? Let’s forget the rest of the world exists. Let’s just enjoy being in Bali, and focus on being happy.”

<<

You had panicked in the car when the news broke. Henry was frantically trying to reach you, ultimately resorting to calling Ashley. She had told him to grab your passport and pack a bag because you were headed for the airport.

Thankfully due to the insane LA traffic, he had time to not only pack your bag, but pack his as well, and charter a jet for the two of you before you even reached the airport. You had hid in the plane waiting for Henry to get there, trying the entire time not to have a panic attack. Thankfully one of the flight attendants hooked you up with a Xanax and a glass of moscato.

By the time Henry arrived you were happily relaxed and napping on the plane. Ashley pulled him aside at the front, “Just keep in touch with me. Let me know how she’s doing. I don’t know where y’all are going, but just keep here there for a week or two. I’ll see you guys when you get back.”

Henry nodded, “Thank you Ash. Listen, would you have the movers come in and get everything over to the new house? I want to surprise her when we get back. And please make sure Adrian has everything he needs for Kal. You’re also now Kal’s emergency contact while we’re gone. Two weeks. Bali. I’ll keep you posted.”

“Perfect. I got you. Safe flight.” Ash trotted down the steps and climbed into the back of the waiting SUV.

Henry walked to the back of the plane where you were stretched out on a sofa. “Hello my love.... I’m here. You ready to get the hell out of town?...Baby are you ok?” He scooped you up and cuddled you. You slowly woke up, nuzzling your face against his chest, smiling once you looked up at his handsome face.

“I love you so much. Let’s run away.” You slid your arms around his neck.

“We are baby. I need you to sit up though, we’re about to take off.”

-

You didn’t even know where you were going until you were halfway there. At that point you were excited and giddy. After two separate rounds of some mile high club fun in the bedroom the two of you decided to watch a movie. The flight attendant brought in the food that Henry had ordered and handed you a small tray with another Xanax on it.

“Darling, do you really need that?” Henry asked.

“Yes. I do. I’m a terrible flyer despite doing it so often. Thanks to Mindy here, I’m good.” You nodded your glass in a cheers to her as you swallowed the pill.

>>

The first morning you woke up in Bali was unbelievable. You sat on the patio with your knees tucked into the teeshirt of Henry’s you were wearing, watching the sun come up.

You went inside to make some coffee, started it, and went back into the bedroom to wake up Henry.

“Good morning...” you cooed as you crawled on top of him, kissing him repeatedly.

“I request to be woken up like this every morning for the rest of my life.” He said, face smushed into his pillow before turning his face, revealing a beaming smile.

You shifted off of him as he turned, curling up in his arms against him, relishing being the little spoon. “I think I can make that happen...”

He hummed into your neck as he wiggled with contentment. “Good.”

-

The next two weeks flew by. It was a blissful blur of sex, food, sleeping, and incredible views. You did nothing but relax and be happy. You had turned your phones to airplane mode in LA before you left and hadn’t bothered to turn them back on. Thankfully Henry had grabbed your camera, so you could get pictures. Most of which would have to be saved secretly on the SD card, because neither of you had worn any clothes the majority of your trip.

You wanted to stay there with Henry and never return. You had a pretty good idea of what was waiting for you back in LA and you didn’t want to deal with any of it.

You pouted on the plane ride home. Taking an extra dose of Xanax to get you through.

-

You landed in the middle of the night, groggily climbing into the back of the SUV, angrily shoving your phone in your purse, refusing to take it off of airplane mode.

Henry hadn’t done so, and turned his on mid-flight to make arrangements to be picked up. Despite putting his phone on silent it vibrated across the table as all of the notifications exploded on his phone. You watched it dance almost off the table before Henry placed his hand over it, catching it. You looked at him and shook your head before dropping it back into your pillow.

Once in the car, you slept the entire drive home and barely woke up as Henry carried you inside, tucking you into bed. It wasn’t until morning that you realized you were in your new home, with Henry sleeping soundly next to you.

You hopped out of bed as quietly as you could and took off into the house to look around. Your closet was full, organized, and straight out of a dream. All of your belongings were put away like you had always lived there.

You walked down to the kitchen for a much needed cup of coffee to find Ashley sitting at your kitchen counter going overboard with a label maker.

“Hey!! Welcome home!!” She beamed, hopping up to give you a hug. “How was Bali?!”

You sadly smiled, “I didn’t want to leave. I begged Henry to just stay there forever. Clearly he said no, but it was absolutely magical.”

“I bet!” She smiled.

“How bad is it Ash?” You slumped your shoulders and dropped your forehead to the marble counter top.

“It’s not good. I mean. It’s a lot. Everyone feels horrible for hating on you. They’re all super pissed at Chris. And slightly at Henry. But for the most part they all see you as a delicate victim and Chris as the big bad wolf. Henry is still Prince Charming, but ever so slightly shady. Chris’s initial plan has backfired and they’re all calling him out on it.”

“Is it stupid that I feel bad? Like he’s not a bad guy....”

Ashley looked at you with wide eyes as she continued playing with her label maker. “Don’t go getting all soft. He’s an asshole. He shared super private personal information with the world that was no one’s business. He’s a giant asshole. Is he in general a nice guy? Sure. But let’s not forget the shit he’s pulled in the last month just to get back at you.”

She printed off a sticker and stuck it to your forehead as she walked out of the room. “Love yoooouuuu.... just calling it like I see it.”

You were more concerned with coffee and made a cup as Henry walked into the kitchen in only boxers. You stared at his chiseled chest as he walked towards you. He furrowed his brow reading the sticker on your forehead.

“Are you a soft ass bitch today my love?” He gave you a quick peck as he turned to make his coffee.

“Apparently. According to Ash anyway...” you hopped up onto the counter and sipped your coffee pulling the sticker from your head.

“I see Ashley has been having quite a bit of fun with my label maker...” he held up the bottle of starbucks creamer pointing to the ‘Kryptonite: Not for SuperBoys’ sticker she had placed on it. “She thinks she’s so funny....”

“Oh I am. But I see it didn’t stop you from drinking it....” Ashley walked through the kitchen. “Lighten up SuperDude. Welcome home!” She hollered as she continued down the hall.

You sat there stifling laughter as you sipped your coffee. He turned around and took your mug out of your hand, placing it on the counter next to you. Brushing your hair behind your shoulders and away from your neck, he clasped his hands on either side of it, pulling you towards him. “I love you. No matter what they say, we’ll be fine. Do you hear me? It’s you and me....”

“And meeee!” Ashley yelled from somewhere not too far away in the house.

“...and Ashley.”

You smiled, pursing your lips to keep from laughing, before Henry reat his forehead against yours. “I love you Hen...”

“Not nearly as much as I love you.”

You started to slide your hand inside the waist band of his boxers when his phone rang. He pulled away to answer it. “Babe, I’ve gotta take this.” He grabbed his coffee and headed to his office.

Ashley walked in from the other side of the kitchen. “Wait until you see what I did....”

“ASHLEY!!! GIVE ME BACK MY LABEL MAKER!!” Henry shouted from his office.

She started laughing and doing a victory dance. Before hiding the label maker in a cabinet. “Ohhhhh I crack myself up. You’ll see. Just wait. But I’ve gotta go pick up a few things. I’ll be back. If you need anything, text me.”

You sat there in the kitchen enjoying your coffee. You couldn’t decide if you wanted to refresh your cup and take it in the backyard, or if you wanted to track down your phone and see what was going on in the world.

‘Both.’ You decided as you hopped off the counter and ran upstairs to your bedroom. You found your purse and dug out your phone. Skipping back downstairs you swung by Henry’s office, noticing the “Fortress of Solitude” sticker on the door. You popped your head in the door to see labels on hundreds of items in his office. You silently laughed as you snuck away, careful to not interrupt Henry’s phone call. You clutched you’re mug and made your way out to the backyard.

Curling up on the outdoor sofa you sighed heavily as you swiped down and turned your phone off of airplane mode. You set it down on the sofa and watched the screen light up, one notification after the next. There were so many notifications the sound glitched out. You quickly put it on silent, tossing it back onto the cushion to finish blowing up.

“I thought I might find you out here.” Henry sauntered towards you.

“It’s not Bali... but it’ll do.” You shrugged.

“It’s better than Bali. It’s our home.” Henry laid down on the sofa, resting his head in your lap.

“I’m think I’m going to plant some palm trees...” you were looking around the yard as you twirled your fingers in his hair.

“Whatever will make you happy, my love.” He closed his eyes, a content smile on his face.

“Did you find your label maker yet?” You laughed as you asked.

“No. But I will. She labeled everything in my office. She put “Fortress of Solitude on my office door, SuperNerd’s computer on my monitor. The list goes on and on.”

“Don’t get mad Hen... she’s just... we’ll say hazing you. Making you an official part of our family. She’s accepted you into her circle now.”

“Oh I’m not mad.... I’m going to get even. This means war!” He shouted, as he sat up, acting dramatically and waving his fist before laughing and falling back onto your lap.

“Oh lord.... here we go....”

“So have you gotten into it yet?”

You swallowed hard, you knew he was asking about your phone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do Darling.... have you?”

You shook your head no, “Nope. It’s glitched out. I turned it off airplane mode and it’s still going. I’ll either get a new number or wait for it to stop. I haven’t been able to get into it yet.”

“I’m sure your publicist is having a heart attack....”

“Oh undoubtedly. Honestly I’m surprised she didn’t show up in Bali.”

“I am too, to be honest. ....So Darling listen... I know we just got back, and just moved in... but filming starts in two weeks... in England.” He sat up. “Would you come with me? We already have a home there, it could use some help.... decorating and what not. But I can’t be without you for that long or that far away. Please say you’ll come with me.”

“Of course I’ll go with you. How long will we be there? You know I want to be anywhere but LA right now. And I’m not letting you disappear again. Ashley would kill you....”

“Filming takes like 6 or 7 months.... but we get breaks... and I think you’ll love it back home. You can meet my family... and I can show you around. It’ll be amazing to take you home.” He was beaming.

“Should we leave tomorrow?” You smiled as you leaned forward, wrapping your arms around his neck.

[ladyshandioftheendless]

StarChild Assassin: The Final Part

So..it’s come to an end at last.. Thank you all for taking this ride with me~ I appreciate all of your encouragement and your love for the crazy stuff I’ve written~ You guys rock!

~Shandi

While settling into their new jobs, Peter encounters a familiar face from his past, while Eric gives Paul a wonderful surprise.

LIPS LIKE POISON Part 20

Out of all the possible places for them to end up, Peter never dreamed getting away from his former turbulent life was what it would take to finally bring him to Vegas. It was everything he’d always hoped it would be. Big. Flashy. Loud. His holy land. It still amazed him that Eric remembered. The two-floor townhouse they lived in was only a few miles away from the bright lights of the Strip (Mostly to make the commute to work easier. Gene had a head for practicality after all). He found himself looking out the window every night with an excitement he hadn’t felt in a long time. Tomorrow he and Eric would be starting their new jobs. 

One floor below Eric and Paul were settling into bed. Eric was still wearing a huge smile as he cuddled his boyfriend. “Did you see the look on Peter’s face? I hadn’t seen him look like that in years. It was just like the good old days~” Paul lazily stroked his boyfriend’s hair. “It makes me happy to see you happy, baby~ You excited to be playing again?” Eric sighed happily. “I can’t tell you how happy I am~ I’m not just playing alone, I’m playing with Peter! I…I think I’m gonna cry..” 

“Awww, baby you are crying~” 

“I’m emotional! Hold me!” 

Paul laughed and held his boyfriend close, kissing his cheek and his lips. “Don’t lose it completely before you even start..I haven’t had a chance to watch you and yell ‘that’s my baby’~” Turning off the lights he stroked Eric’s chin to calm him, drifting off to sleep to the gentle sounds of his purrs. 

In the morning Eric sat in front of the vanity mirror while Paul brushed and pinned up his hair. “I dunno how I feel about wearing a wig..” Paul huffed. “I will not have you doing terrible things to your gorgeous golden mane, baby. Besides..you can just think of it as part of your costume~” 

“Well..yeah I guess that works for me~” 

“I hoped you’d say that~” Paul took out the wig from its box and placed it on Eric’s head, adjusting it until it fit just right. “That feel okay? Not too tight?” Eric studied his reflection. He never thought shorter black hair would fit him so well. “It feels just fine, babe. Thanks~” Paul took a few steps back to admire his boyfriend from afar. “Nobody will ever be able to tell that’s not your real hair. I am good~” Eric grinned, grabbing his boyfriend’s waist and pulling him closer for a kiss. “You’re better than good, babe..you’re incredible~” He glanced up at the clock. “Oh shit we’re gonna be late if we don’t leave right now! Sorry to kiss and run! Seeya tonight!” He grabbed his keys, giving Paul one last kiss before rushing out the door…and nearly running into Peter. “‘Bout time y’got the lead out your ass! We gotta go!” 

“I know..my fault..” 

“Have a good day, you two~” 

Peter’s eyes went wide as they turned onto the Strip. “Holy shit…everything is so much bigger than I imagined as a kid. There’s a wild energy in this place that you can feel as soon as you enter. I’m here. I’m workin’ here. If this is a dream I don’t ever wanna wake up.” Eric smiled. “Even if it is a dream I’m glad we’re sharing it~” 

“Me too, Little Cat~” 

‘Little Cat’. Hearing that nickname no longer hurt. And hearing Peter say it now gave Eric the most joy he’d felt since he met Paul. As they pulled into the hotel’s garage Peter caught sight of a very familiar statue. “W-what is this..? Where are we..?” Eric couldn’t keep himself from smiling any longer. “This is where we’re working now! The New York, New York! Thought I’d keep it a secret as a surprise~ You like?” Peter could only nod his head in stunned silence. “It’s like..being home away from home. You had this all planned out from the beginning didn’t ya?” 

“Guilty as charged~”

“Bet your ass I got some words. But later cause we gotta get in there!” 

After finally finding a parking space they booked it into the hotel in search of the Event Coordinator. A half an hour of getting totally lost later they managed to find her. “Excuse us!!” Eric yelled, completely out of breath. “Really sorry..ahh..we’re uh…Eric Mensinger and George Criscuola..we..applied for the stage show positions..?” The Coordinator huffed and them with her hands on her hips. “It’s about time you got here..I was about to mark you down as no-shows! Dressing rooms are this way! You got 15 minutes to get ready! Rehearsal’s in 20 and don’t worry about the makeup we’ll figure that out later!” Eric and Peter glanced at each other. So much for a no-pressure job. Once they were shown to their room they got to work picking out costumes. “Oh I like these~” Eric said, taking two that he favored off the rack. Here ya go..Panther~” Peter looked his costume over with amusement. “Panther eh? And what are you gonna be?” Eric grinned, holding up his shredded and spotted costume. “I’m Jaguar~”

“The Untamed Cats are loose again~” 

Rehearsals went better than they expected. They were even applauded for their skills with their drum sets. Peter felt re-energized and Eric was just plain overjoyed. He knew his mentor hadn’t lost it completely. With their jobs secured they went back to their dressing room to change and celebrate with a drink. A feeling nagged at Eric that something wasn’t right. “I..didn’t leave the door open..did you..?” Peter shook his head. “I’ll check it out.” He pushed the door open slowly. Whoever was inside had their back turned to him, but he’d recognize those curves from fifty feet away. 

“It really is a small world isn’t it..?”

“Vinnie..” 

“Even with a different hair color I recognized you.” Vinnie turned to him, his face an impassive mask. “I like to visit the other hotels to watch the rehearsals for their new shows. I couldn’t believe it was you. I had to see for myself.”  Peter nodded the all-clear to Eric and closed the door. They needed some time alone. “I’d ask how you got back here but I think I already know the answer. Are you..stayin’ here too?” Vinnie nodded. “I work at the Luxor. Quite a ways from here but something compelled me to come.” 

“God knows why after all the shit I did to ya.” 

“If you actually believe that what you did was wrong, you’ve already taken the first steps to changing.” Vinnie took a few steps closer. “For a long time I believed you were perfect. That your abuse was love. When you hurt me..I thought I deserved it. I was convinced I couldn’t do better. It takes an even longer time to see reality for what it truly is after your blinders are taken off.” Peter sighed deeply. “Can’t disagree there..” 

“I never thought I’d hear you say those words. You really have changed~” 

Peter sat in his chair at stared at himself in the mirror. “For a long time I kept tellin’ myself there was worth to what I did. I was takin’ my revenge out on the world for the shit I’d done to myself. I used people. I killed em. I stole. I cheated. And I didn’t give a damn about the consequences cause I thought I couldn’t be touched.” He pointed to the door. “That kid out there..he was the only one who saw through it all. He chased after me..he begged me to let him help me..even though I’d been tryin’ to kill him. If that’s not a fuckin’ wake up call I dunno what is.” Vinnie sat in the chair beside him. “Call me crazy but..in some strange way..maybe we were meant to meet again like this. Just to..show each other how much we’ve grown..” He reached out to touch Peter’s hair. “I want to try again with you. Even after everything…I thought my feelings for you would disappear..but seeing you again now just brought them all rushing back like a tidal wave. Let’s…let’s give ourselves a chance to love each other the right way..” At that moment Peter couldn’t find the words to reply. He just pulled Vinnie into a tight embrace. “You’re a fuckin’ jewel, Baby Doll and you deserve to be treated like one. If you really think I’m worth it then all I can give you is my word that I won’t fuck it up this time.” Vinnie nuzzled his neck. “Come see me at the Luxor tonight~ Room 1135.” When the door opened again Eric jerked his head up. Seeing Vinnie nod to him and leave he went inside. “Peter? Everything okay?” Peter was quiet for a while before he answered. “Hm? Oh yeah, fine. Just had to repair some bridges. Let’s get out of this stuff and get outta here huh? I wanna go home and freshen up for later.” Eric smirked. “Ohhhhh I see~” Peter sighed, already picturing the relentless teasing he’d have to put up with on the drive back home. 

“Welcome home boys~!” Paul hugged them as soon as they walked in the door. “I hope you’re both hungry cause I ordered pizza!” Eric smiled and pulled his boyfriend close for a kiss. “Mm..you’re so thoughtful, babe. I’m starving~ Peter however..he’s got a date~” Paul’s eyes lit up. “You don’t say~?” They heard Peter stomp up the stairs in a huff. “Dammit Eric don’t make me smack your Little Cat ass!!” After hearing the door slam they burst into laughter. Kicking their own door closed, Eric ripped off his wig and tossed it onto the couch. “Ugggggh freedom!! I dunno how people can wear these things all the time..especially if they still have hair! They make your head sweat..and itch!” Paul helped him pull out the ridiculous amount of hairpins he’d used earlier that morning. “Poor baby~ Why don’t we eat..and then we can take a niiiice cool shower~?” Eric nodded eagerly. “Ohhhh babe that sounds goooood~ Let’s get into that pizza then cause I want in that shower like..hours ago.” While they had dinner Peter let himself in, dressed in a crisp white button up shirt with pinstriped slacks and vest, complete with his favorite black leather shoes. Paul had to do a double take. “Ohhhh my, baby..I didn’t know your Big Cat cleaned up so nicely~ Maybe I should have him take me out sometime~” Peter chuckled. “Sure why not? With you an’ Vinnie on my arms lookin’ pretty I’d be the envy of Vegas~” Paul choked on his drink. “Did you say Vinnie?!”

“Yeah I did. Met up with him earlier. I’m goin’ over to the Luxor to see him. Borrowin’ the car. Don’t wait up for me, kids~” He picked up the keys and was gone without another word. Paul was still in shock. “H-he didn’t just say Vinnie..did he..?”

“Yep. He did.” 

“So it’s true?”

“Yep. Saw him myself.”

“Well, what are the odds..?” 

“Astronomical..but here we are.” 

“Oh this’ll be fun to tease him about~” 

“I get to do it first~” 

“No fair! You got to do it while you drove back here!” 

Eric shot his boyfriend a suggestive look. “I’ll wrestle you for it~” Paul laughed. “You’re more than welcome to pin me to the floor..but..shower first~” He got up from his chair and grabbed his boyfriend’s arm, leading him to the bathroom. “Lemme take care of you, Pussy-Cat..I’ll even wash your hair~” Eric was already half way undressed. “Can’t say no to an offer like that~” Once the shower was ready Eric stepped in, closed his eyes and let himself relax. The cool water felt amazing. His boyfriend’s gentle hands just made the experience even better. He purred like a contented house cat while his hair was being washed which amused Paul to no end. “I hope I can get you purring like that in bed tonight~” Eric reached back to stroke his boyfriend’s thigh. “You keep using your hands like that and it’s all but guaranteed~” He groaned as his boyfriend grasped his cock and nibbled at his ear. “Why don’t we get a head start right now~?” 

“Fuck yes…make me really purr, babe~” 

They ended up staying in the shower for much longer than they intended.

Eric and Peter fell into their routine pretty easily. They rehearsed daily until the show was to open two months later. The morning of opening night Paul helped Eric apply his makeup and wig. “I saw a commercial for the show earlier~” Paul said as he painted on Eric’s ‘whiskers’. “’Come experience the Music of the Wild! Only at the New York, New York Hotel & Casino, the biggest urban jungle on the Strip!’ I can’t wait to see you tonight, baby..I’m so proud of you~” Eric’s blush was well hidden by his white facepaint. “Thanks, babe~ I’m so damn nervous but I’m excited too! Looking over at Peter always helps me calm down though, you know? I think as long as I do that I’ll be alright~” Paul kissed the top of his head. “You’re both gonna go up on stage and you’re gonna rock that show. I just know it. And I’ll be right there cheering you on~” There was a knock at the bathroom door. “Just me, Little Cat!” Peter said. “I’m ready to go whenever you are!” Eric exhaled, looking himself over in the mirror one last time. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, I guess. Almost done! Be right out! Babe, since Peter’s got his own car now I’m gonna drive over with him so you can take our car to the show tonight. Don’t forget to get there early~” Paul took both of his boyfriend’s hands and squeezed them tightly. “I won’t, promise~ Go out there and kill ‘em, Jaguar~” 

Driving over to the Strip was nothing short of chaotic, but by some miracle Paul managed it. After parking in the garage he raced into the hotel. While standing in line he reached into his jacket to find his ticket. Feeling someone tap his shoulder he turned, coming face to face with Vinnie. “You!” 

“Yes. Me.” 

“What are you doing here?”

“Why do you think I’m here?”

“My guess is to see Peter.”

“Your guess is correct~” 

Paul sighed and let his shoulders relax. “Of course you are. Sorry..sometimes I forget we’re not still in real New York. This place..brings back a lot of memories..” Vinnie nodded slowly. “It certainly does. Fortunately for us, our pasts were left back in real New York. I’m willing to forgive and forget if you are.” Paul took Vinnie’s hand and shook it. “We’ve come too far to let whatever happened fuck anything up now. It’s forgotten~” They handed over their tickets and went inside. The interior was beautiful and elaborately decorated to look like a jungle. Paul looked around in awe. “Wow..they really do go very big here don’t they?” Vinnie chuckled. “Well..it is Vegas~” While looking for their seats in the front row they discovered they sat only a small distance away from each other. Paul raised a curious eyebrow. “I’d say this was a coincidence but I don’t buy that for a second. Do you?” Vinnie shook his head. “No way in hell~” They both laughed quietly as the theater went dark.

The show was quite the spectacle. The dancers were beautifully painted to look like various jungle animals. The band was lined across the back of the stage with Eric and Peter’s drum sets on opposite ends. As the crowd applauded and cheered for them Paul struggled to fight back his tears. They were both incredible. And together they were magic. In the middle of the second act some of the dancers leapt from the stage prowled through the aisles, looking for people to take with them. Paul was completely caught off guard when one of the zebras took his hands and lifted him out of his seat. Before he knew it he was on the stage with a few other bewildered people, not knowing what they should do. He was so distracted by the other dancers he didn’t notice Eric climb down from his drum set and approach him. Only when his hand was taken did he stop looking around frantically and realize his boyfriend was there. “Oh my god, Eric what’s going on?!” he shouted, not even sure if he could be heard over the loud music. Eric just smiled and got down on one knee in front of him.

HE WASN’T!!

Sure enough Eric took a small box out of one of the pouches on his costume and opened it, revealing a gorgeous silver ring lined with small diamonds. Paul was struck absolutely speechless. He covered his mouth with a shaky hand, using all of the self control he could possibly manage to nod his head. It all seemed like a hazy dream. Eric stood, taking the ring from its box and slipping it onto his finger. The crowd cheered loudly. The dancers jumped around the stage in celebration. Paul saw none of it. All he saw was the man he was now engaged to. As they kissed the crowd went wild.

To everyone else this was just Vegas.

To Paul it was the most wonderful day of his entire life. 

~END~

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot 2x11 recap

(Aka the one where Keaton and Dr Sun face off in an exciting round of  “~Whose Presence Is The Least Wanted~”. Spoiler: they both win.)

Delayed a little by a spontaneous three-day trip across the state and a few late shifts, but finally here at last. So thanks your your awesome responses to last week’s recap, and prepare for a large quantity of thoughts and opinions because damn this ep was actually good??

Noooo. Roman. My baby. Why must you suffer so much??? I mean sure there was the terrorism and the murdering and all, but... well, just as I don't see Remi and Jane as the same person, Times New Roman and Old Roman are also not the same. Plus, given that messed up childhood he had, his violence is kinda unsurprisng. And I just can't help it okay, he's my scruffy psycho puppy and I love him. And Jane does too, which is why she's always visiting him (FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS WHAAAT. mORE ON THIS IN A SEC) and trying to make sure he's eating and getting some rest and just basically being the sweetest sister ever ughhhhh. But he's understandably starting to crack, being caged up in there like an animal, and ugh can I just hug them both rn

Okay this next scene is a Nas scene, ergo I don’t care about it, so I'm gonna just pause for a second and vent about this whole two-week-jump thing. Because you know what can happen in two weeks in this show?? Everything!! Like literally from the time Jane rejoined the team in the premiere up to the events of last ep (aka a total of 11 eps), only TWELVE DAYS had passed. (Yes, I counted). So let's think about this. This means that Jane came back into the team's lives 12 days ago. She met Roman 12 days ago. She was shot by Zapata 12 days ago (though you would never know it based on her physical activity... #tvmedicine). And wanna know some other things that happened in that 12 days? 11 days ago Weller found out he was gonna be a father (Allie was like 15 weeks along at the time, at best guess??), and Borden asked Patterson out. Approx 6 days ago, Jane kinda pretty much admitted to Weller that she loved/loves him. She found out about the baby a day later, the same day Allie was shot. (Again, not a hint of that injury any time we've seen her since!). Weller and Nas started sleeping together 4 days ago, while Jane's 'happy ending' fantasy (*sobs*), and her failed date with Oliver happened only three days ago. Then let’s not even get into the whole shitstorm of Shepherd’s trap and the team nearly dying and Patterson discovering Borden’s betrayal just a day ago. So are you seeing my issue here?? All these things happened in LESS than 2 weeks, and now we've just jumped forward that entire block of time and ugh what the hell did we miss in all those days??? I’m actually legit worried about what bad things could have happened/are brewing...

Aaand speak of the devil. Or devil-lady. Nas is apparently doing something shady (shocking, I know) and Weller comes to investigate, since apparently she's been 'sneaking off every morning'. Oh, great. You know what, maybe I'm glad we've skipped ahead two weeks, if these two have continued their... whatever the hell this is... during all that time. But seriously dude, Jane is back and you guys are actually on good terms again, why are you still with the rebound??? Unless... unless she's no longer the rebound but rather the barrier. Like with Jane back and their old connection starting to reform, maybe he's using this thing with Nas as like a buffer to keep himself from gravitating back to Jane-- lbr, he's the proverbial moth to her flame, and vice versa-- and so basically this thing with Nas is all just a way of protecting his heart by keeping it far away from the one woman who could truly crush it? Honestly rn that's the story I gotta go with bc otherwise I’m gonna get stuck obsessing over wtf is going on here with these two  completely ill-suited people. Sigh. But anyhow apparently Nas used to get messages from this sign from the Sandstorm informant (did she ever look into how though? Like did the informant know or pay off the person who types them? Or did they hack in themselves? Surely that was a lead that should have been followed??) and so apparently she's still checking it. Also damn, the quote up on the sign: "The soul can never be cut to pieces by any weapon"-- very true about Jane, given all she's been through and how strong and incredible she's manages to remain through it all....

But anyway now there are two thug-like dudes just sneaking thuggishly amongst a bunch of shipping containers and lbr it's already a better scene than the previous one. And then a Distinguished Looking Man and a younger man (his son, I'm guessing?) exit one of the containers, looking Distinguished and Mysterious. Dude, I hope you guys didn't come from far away, bc that would not have been a fun journey...

Ooooh Weller's lady-juggling is apparently not going so well as he ends up missing Allie's appointment-- what's she now? 20 weeks, give or take? And yet that's one tiiiiiny belly she's still got... like okay yes, some women barely show at all, even well into the second trimester, but lbr NEVER TV WOMEN. TV women are usually always sporting one of those massive fake belly things so that we, the poor silly viewers, don't forget that “HEY THIS LADY GOT KNOCKED UP, THERE'S DEFINITELY A BABY KICKING AROUND IN HERE SO GET READY FOR IT TO FLY ON OUT AND MESS SHIT UP AT ANY MOMENT". And yet, with this show... nothing? Some slightly baggier clothes, maybe, but not even a moderate bump. What does it mean?? Are they sneakily trying to tell us that ~all is not as it seems~ with this pregnancy (like hey, maybe Allie even sneakily moved the appointment forward so Weller would miss it)-- or, am I just reading to much into things, and the show’s prop-masters were simply out of stock on the Defo-Preggo fake bellies and decided it didn't matter and we probably wouldn't notice its absence anyway? Seriously I have been super suss of this pregnancy from the start (mainly bc why the hell would it even have been written into the story unless for some kind of ~Shock Drama~ down the track) so maybe I'm looking too hard for hints? Lbr it's gonna take a fair bit to shake me from my 'Allie is a Sandstorm operative and is faking the pregnancy bc of reasons' theory. And Cutie Connor can totally fit into that too. But anyhow Weller is a sweetie and is trying very hard to be a Good Dad(TM). Oh, my son. Why do I strongly get the feeling that you will never even get the chance to be a dad to this baby. (*whispers* there's always your babies with Jane to look forward to, tho...)  

Oooh it's back-to-work day for Reade (two weeks post-surgery really isn't enough for a physical job like his, but whatever I'mma overlook it) and omg he and Zapata having an awkward little chat and dude is this really the first time they've spoken since that terrible kiss? Really?? So there was just radio silence between them, two best friends, for two weeks while he was practically an invalid. Ooookay. Sure. On a brighter note, there was a rat in the lockerroom that Reade had named Whitey Bulger hahaha. That's adorable. I hope it was released humanely. Reminds me of the mouse that used to live in the wall of my parents’ house and its hole was right near the computer desk so I would feed it crumbs when I was up on the computer at like 3am haha. Ah, good times. Also okay hold on google says that Whitey Bulger was an infamous crime boss who murdered like 20 people. Ohhhhh and apparently he was an FBI informant, aka a rat. I wonder if the rat was white, too? Though generally wild rats are brown. But wow okay I am getting very distracted (lbr it's the secondhand embarrassment from this super awkward interaction, I can't deal so I’m avoiding the whole thing lol)

Phew okay now we can switch to a far more pleasing scene-- my baby Patterson is back at it, and I'm not even gonna comment on the bullet-wound recovery time. Just look at this restraint I’m showing. Anyway based on Zapata's very pointed comments, lil baby Patterson has refused to take any time off. Ugh. Though if I were her I wouldn't really want to be at my apartment either. I wonder if Borden left anything there... :( also Patterson still has a nasty headache, which sounds ongoing and is not all that consistent with the eardrum-stabbing. It could be a bunch of things, including lack of sleep, but... I wonder. Maybe Sheherd was sneakier than we thought. But for now let's just hope our baby is okay.

Looolll I feel like I'm watching a married couple having a fight over what's best for their kid or something. But lbr here if not for the pressure that Weller's facing to show that he's 'punishing' Roman somehow (seriously we know how Pellington fels about Roman, not to mention how all the agents under Weller’s command must feel about the man that helped kill 12 of their own), I feel like he would be on Jane's side of this argument. Although, he probably also recognises the influence Roman has over Jane, and might be worried that Roman could pull her away from him... but anyhow it's entertaining to watch these two in their own little bubble with Nas off to the side, just awkwardly hovering there like she's an afterthought. Neither one particularly wants her input rn but she has to be there, so... but then she suggests bringing in an 'expert' that she knows and that sets off instant alarm bells for me. DO NOT TRUST ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH NAS, INCLUDING NAS, OKAY GUYS? THEY’RE SNAKE-PEOPLE, THE LOT OF THEM. This is bound to bode ill for Roman and Jane and like probably everyone somehow

Aw my clever baby has cracked (or re-cracked) an old tattoo, which previously had given them a random number but now correlates to a shipping container-- naturally, the very one that our mysterious duo exited earlier. And due to some handy camera unscrambling, we know that Distinguished Man is a supposedly-dead warlord dude that did a bunch of bad things and was actually indirectly involved in the team nearly getting killed in Turkey last season. Oooooh, drama.

So the kiddies are heading into the bullpen-- Reade joining Weller and Jane as they head together to the main briefing area. So wait how come Jeller were off on their own just then, given that the team was all just together down in Patterson's lab a minute ago? (*cough* quickie?? *cough*) But anyhow traces of nitroglycerin were found in the container apparently so ooooh bomb??? But apparently the company who paid for the container also paid a bunch of dough to some other lady, so the team brings her in-- and finds out the money was 'life insurance' from the death of her brother a few days ago. But hold on, she never even saw the body, said that he'd already been taken to the morgue. And bingo, this story is already throwing up a ton of flags. I can tell you from direct experience that when a person dies in hospital, a doctor (ie, me) is immediately called to certify them, and then we tuck them in nicely and ensure they look peaceful before we contact the family and allow them to come in. And unless the family is like hours and hours away, the patient will remain in their room until they've had a chance to say goodbye. If the family can't get there for a long time, they're taken to the hospital’s mortuary where they await pickup by the family's chosen funeral director. At any point in this process the family can still be taken to see the patient if they wish. So clearly, something else happened with this woman's brother, and someone paid off multiple hospital staff to make it look how they wanted. Definitely not easy to do. And now, according to Patterson, it turns out he was actually transferred elsewhere... this is all veeeeery shady

Ugh Jane going to Roman and using Borden's coffee example to help reach out to him. Ughhhh. And then ugh he asks her if Shepherd loved them and why she wiped his memory and this puts Jane in such a tight spot bc if she said Shepherd did it but didn't love him then how does she explain later that she herself did it out of love and aarghh. But her answer "maybe she thought it was the only chance she had left to get you back” is a good answer. I'm still sad that she had to lie to him about it, and the ramifications that that's going to have. Please understand, Roman, she loves youuuuu and only wants what’s best for you!

Meanwhile Patterson's found the person who last visited the dude in hospital, bc she's da boss. And then Weller asks if she ran the plates and she practically rolls her eyes at him, sassily gesturing over her shoulder just as a photo of the plates appears on the screen behind her. Badass. The team subsequently goes chasing the car-- which is conveniently like ten mins away-- and suddenly it's like we’re in the middle of a black SUV convention when the team surrounds the target cars, the two separate sides differentiated only by the fact that out of one set of cars comes our badass team with their big guns, and out of the other comes a murdering, bloodthirsty, terrorist warlord... and something much worse. KEATON. And lbr I will forever be proud of Jane for the fact that she has her torturer directly in her line of fire and yet doesn't even once struggle with the temptation of pulling the trigger. Because no matter what she's been through-- and no matter what Remi did in the past-- Jane is not a killer. (Let's just agree to overlook the whole thing with Fisher bc that man was an evil little weasel and deserved what he got). And then Zapata discovers a possible bioweapon in the car, ratcheting tensions even higher until Keaton is all 'chill, it's just a pilfered body part'. And lbr, Keaton is so damn repugnant that this is the only way he could ever steal anyone's heart. (badum-tish?). But omg then Jane tells Weller-- while staring at Keaton with bared teeth-- that he was the one who tortured her. And being the little shit-stirrer he is, Keaton tries to imply that Weller has known all along (actually only two weeks and 4 days, but who's counting), and Jane's trust in Weller wavers just slightly at that, given that he'd told her from the start that he hadn't known anything about her torture. Which was true, at the time. And now he quickly reassures her-- while staring absolute daggers at Keaton-- that he only found out in Bulgaria. I wonder if he's mentally reliving that last meeting bc oh boy I sure am. Ah, those satisfying choking sounds. But anyhow, it turns out that Warlord Man's son needs a heart transplant and the CIA is providing it in exchange for info about planned terrorist attacks. The traces of 'nitroglycerin' that was found in the storage container was actually from the kid's heart medication (glyceryl trinitrate, in case you're interested, though he likely wouldn't be on that medication for this particular condition. Also to get those traces around the container I guess he must have been doing a Great-Escape style boredom activity, just with throwing his tablets instead of a ball. Anywho tho Jane tells Weller he can't trust Keaton, and as he always does (or did, in the old days) he finds a way to do what she suggests that is also going to appear acceptable to the Big Bosses. Which in this case means inviting Keaton and Co into their base. Joy. 

So not only does the team have to work with the world's biggest asshat, but there's an attack tonight that they need to stop. Zapata takes Anton the Warlord's phone and laptop to Patterson bc apparently she can't face the idea of interviewing him with Reade (come on kids, we're all grownups here) and everyone suddenly disperses, leaving Jane alone in the room with Keaton. I kinda feel like that's an oversight that Weller wouldn't actually make (and lbr he's always been super aware of where Jane is and what she's doing at all times) so I kinda feel like he is deliberately giving her this chance to face Keaton alone? He knows she wouldn't do anything foolish-- such as, say, try to choke him to death, like a certain someone-- and knows she needs this closure. And omg Keaton is now boo-hooing about missing his kid's basketball games because he had to spend his time 'interrogating' her. Damn, that's cold. He's literally acting like she wronged him. (Can I claw his eyes out now, please?? Since Jane is too good of a person to do it??). But well, at least Keaton’s shittiness gives us this scene of Jane storming into Weller's office. He's sitting and staring pensively at a watch in his hands-- what's the significance? Was it his father's? What am I missing here?? and she bursts in all angry and hurt that they're working with Keaton after what he did to her, which lbr would basically feel like everyone dismissing it as no big deal. But thankfully Weller makes it clear-- with his Serious Voice and turbulent eyes-- that he hates it too and even nearly killed Keaton when he found out. And boy, does that take the wind out of her sails. Yes, Jane, Mr Always-Do-The-Right-Thing literally nearly murdered a high-ranking government official for hurting you. And ugh you can see how much that means to her-- lbr with them, that's basically as much an admission of love as any kiss could be... 

Aaaand then of course Nas has to appear to ruin the moment, because that's literally like her entire role on this show; Ms Shady Backstabber and Moment-Ruiner. And oh joy, she's brought her 'expert', who on one hand I am pleased to see is a disabled WOC, bc yes good tv representation, but on the other hand I wish she just wasn't there at all. That actress was great in Quantico though. Literally tho in the first minute the doctor has called Roman a 'prisoner' and a 'killer'. Biased, much??? I have literally treated jailed murderers myself, and the entire medical staff would always refer to them only as 'the patient' or at the very worst, 'the inmate'. So this lady is really already rubbing me the wrong way here. As much as I dislike her, though, I agree that Jane shouldn't be there for her assessment. But ugh I hope she can watch on cameras or something just so someone is keeping an eye on what they do to my poor puppy... but seriously tho let's all take a moment to appreciate how well Jane keeps herself in check like all the time?? I mean she's constantly copping crap from people and she just takes it with such grace (okay sometimes with a little less grace but generally very well) and ugh I just love her so much

Speaking of Jane, she takes her turn watching over Anton, and while the man refused to say a word to Reade, the sight of Jane has him opening right up. I feel ya, buddy. I'd spill my guts to her too. I enjoy that they bond over their mutual hatred of Keaton. Can I join that party? Also ugh the way he talks about his son not being like him, and being deserving of a proper life... kinda like Jane still deserves a good life despite who her 'mother' is and what she's done. But oh geez, his next line-- "You know what's the worst thing that can happen to a man, Jane? To lose a child." AAAAHHHH RED FLAGS RED FLAGS THIS IS FORESHADOWING I JUST KNOW IT. DOES THIS MEAN THE WRITERS ARE GONNA KILL OFF WELLER'S BABY??? DOES IT???? And then oh shit, the son dies (I am still sure that that line was foreshadowing more than just his death though) and the team is all like wtf do we do??? Naturally Keaton thinks the only option is to lie, which Jane strongly disagrees with, both of them turning to Weller, who brings them both with him to see Anton. Keaton gets in there and starts spouting lies-- only for Weller to step up and tell the truth, while also being genuinely sympathetic. Yaaaaasss my son taking Jane's side and doing the right thing, as he should :) And ugh she is so sad for the man's loss and tries to get him to see that his son wouldn't have wanted this. 'His ideals aren't like yours' oh boy does she know all about that. But even her heartfelt pleas can't get through to him (come on, dude, look at that faaaace) and so now the team is really in trouble... But as always happens when shit hits the fan, everyone turns to Patterson, who naturally comes through, tracing a phone that got a coded message from Anton's phone, giving them the lead they desperately need...            

But while my beautiful and trustworthy team is busy doing that, Shady and Shadier are starting their mindgames on my poor lil caged lion Roman. Keep your devil-claws off him, ladies! That means you, sneaky shrink! Also if he is believed to be so dangerous and unstable, there is no way she would be that close to him, especially without any guards present. He could kill her in a single second. And speaking of which, baby Ian just stabbed the hell out of one of the other boys at the orphanage (the one that stole his coin), seemingly on the order of their captors? And in the earlier flash that we got, the guy said "Will you kill your rabbit now?" So these are two separate memories, right? The rabbit is really a rabbit, yeah? Like ‘rabbit’ isn't a metaphor for a 'target' or something right? Either way, daaaaamn, these poor kids...   

Aaaaahhhhh we're getting another Jeller heart-to-heart moment in the caaaarrrr! I've missed these. I so wish Reade and Zapata were in the back seat pretending not to exist like they did in the good old days when Jeller were having a ~moment~, but sadly not this time. But ugh Jane is again expressing her fears about Roman's reaction should he find out that she zipped him, and I love this bc not only is Jane allowing herself to turn to Weller again for comfort, but she's also being open with him about her feelings, ensuring there's nothing hidden between them anymore (at least on her side. While I assume she's figured out the whole Nas thing, I doubt he's outwardly said anything to her). And ugghhhhh Weller doesn't hesitate to comfort her, reminding her that she has become a completely new person-- aka, a good person-- after her wipe. Yaaaassss for Weller acknowledging that Jane and Remi are separate people. And then ughhhh he says the wipe was the best thing that ever happened to her but lbr it's the best thing that ever happened to him??? That memory wipe brought her right to him, gave them the opportunity to know each other and fall for each other. Hers wasn't the only life that was changed forever the day she climbed out of that bag. But omg he's still not done??? He tells her that she not only saved Roman's life by doing what she did, but whatever hope he has left (of a life, of happiness and normalcy) is a gift that she gave him. Oh lord, help me. And then he turns to her and puts the heart eyes up to high beam and boy are they blinding. I'm legit gonna have lightspots in my vision for like the next hour. But ugh what I love most is that these are not his previous "I adore you and everything you are" hearteyes but more of an "I have done so wrong by you and though I know I could never make it right I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying" hearteyes and honestly JUST LET ME DIE. Oh wait, nope, I am about to die bc now we're in the other car with Zapata and Reade AND I CANNOT DEAL WITH THE AWKWARD. Save me. At least Reade is trying to talk it out like a grownup whereas Zapata is all but stuffing her fingers in her ears and going "la la la la I can't heaaaaar you" lol. 

Thankfully, Weller chooses that moment to rescue us all (he probably needed a distraction of his own bc he was becoming too lost in Jane's eyes haha) and everybody pulls into a place that looks kinda reminiscent of the spot where Zapata shot Jane. Everyone fans out, including Jane, and I will forever be so happy about the fact that she's back out with the team and trusted with a weapon and they all know they can rely on her as a true team member and ughhhh I'm just so happy to be getting back to the real heart of this show. And speaking of things that are right at the very core of this show, Weller has managed to get himself blown up yet again, this time by trying to stop a dude who had wired a bunch of basketballs on a rack into a bomb. Bad dude gets away with a bunch of other bombs, and Weller gets away with barely a scratch-- which doesn't stop Jane from yelling his name in alarm and immediately running to his side, even giving us an Unnecessary (but sadly not all that Lingery) touch on his arm as if she's reassuring herself that he's okay. Ah man. You guys are killing me. While this season has certainly frustrated me in regards to Weller's actions towards Jane, it definitely doesn't disappoint in hers towards him. Ugh, my stupid in-love babies, how I adore you

Anywho the whole crew is on the site now (including Keaton, which literally everyone there/the entire world could do without) and they realise that though there's no major basketball games on tonight-- which of course our resident ex-gambler knows-- there is a youth league game on, aka the one that Keaton's daughter is playing at. And how do they know this?? Because my baby Jane is a freakin' genius as well as a badass, and she actually listens to what people say, even if those people are jerks and don't deserve a second of her attention. And so now when Jane speaks, everyone listens, which is why they're all currently bolting to the kids' game. And Keaton is all "he's doing this to get at me" *whinge whinge*, and Jane is all 'bitch shut up there's a lot more people there than just your kid'. But naturally Keaton continues to bitch bc he's Keaton, then even annoyingly brings up the whole being a parent thing, at which time Jane sneaks an almost-sad look at Weller, because freaking everyone has to continuinally remind her that the man she loves now has a permanent tie to someone else. Great, thanks, show. 

But anyhow despite Weller having everything under control, Keaton manages to ruin everything as usual, getting his own agent killed and forever traumatising his daughter in the process. Weller and Keaton then bugger off in search of the daughter while Jane and the other two take out a bunch of baddies like the badass little team they are. Ah, so good to see them like this again. Jane splits off from the others to chase more baddies while the two of them try to defuse the bomb with Patterson's help. Bc when in need, always call Patterson. Jane's fight with the baddie in the gym is kinda hilarious, like at one point she sends him sprawling but rather than knocking him out she waits politely for him to get up before continuing their fight. Such manners :P  Although given the fact that she then slams a kettleweight straight into his face/chest, maybe she’d used up her quota of good behaviour haha. Meanwhile Patterson shuts down the cell signal to the area, preventing the bomb being activated via the mobile phone detonator... ummm is that a thing that's actually possible? Idek. Anyhow Weller and Keaton find the daughter at gunpoint in the locker room, and Weller's all "I haven't got a shot" though lbr I bet that ‘Mr Exceptional Marksmanship Award’ could totally shoot that guy's exposed hand. A moment later he gets the shot anyway when Keaton draws the baddie out, and all seems to have ended happily until-- dun dun dun-- there's another baddie, right about to shoot both Keaton and his daughter!! Only to be shot by Jane first, aka my perfect beautiful princess who always saves any life she can, even if that life belongs to the piece of slime that tortured her for three freakin’ months. Hey Weller, take notes. If Nas had been in Jane's situation just then, she would have sat back and watched. No doubt about it. At least Keaton is man enough to genuinely thank her tho, to which she gives pretty much the much more professional-sounding version of "screw you, asshole" lol. You go, girl.

Oh boy. So you put Roman into an ‘MRI’ and are now basing your diagnosis on the absence of a perceived response to a few pictures. Good lord, woman, you must have gone to a worse medical school than Borden. I don't even know where to start with this. Firstly the scan you're thinking of is a PET scan, but you literally can’t make this diagnosis based on that anyway!! And honestly lady have you ever opened a psych textbook in your entire life, there's a whole bunch of criteria to diagnose Antisocial Personality Disorder and ROMAN LITERALLY DOES NOT MEET THEM. Even Old Roman doesn't meet the majority of them, and New Roman meets practically none. This woman is a CHARLATAN and I will not TOLERATE THIS DISRESPECT TOWARDS EITHER OF MY BABIES. Gaaawd. So now poor Roman is in danger of being locked away in a padded room for his whole life on the word of one woman; one woman who they know nothing about except that she comes recommended by Nas (which should be an automatic black mark against anyone's name imo) but also a woman who just told Jane-- aka Jane who grew up in Hell's Orphanage and has been through unfathomable shit her entire life including three months of recent physical torture-- and this woman just told her she can't possibly imagine how 'terrible' this Sudanese orphanage was that she visited once as a student. Good lord, can I slap her yet. Please. At least Jane kind of calls her on it, raising the point that she grew up in exactly the same way as Roman, but it's clear the snake-charmer's mumbo-jumbo has her doubting herself. Ugh. At least Weller doesn't seem at all happy with the idea of having to lock Roman up-- probably bc he knows how it'll hurt his precious Jane, and after allowing her to suffer for so much of this season he's finally gotten his shit together and realised she didn’t/doesn't deserve any of it and now desperately wants to make up for his previous ass-ish ways.

Speaking of ass-ish ways, Zapata has decided to grow up a little and reach out the olive branch. Thank god. She even apologises, which is impressive, because this is Zapata... although she still manages to turn it into a bit of a joke. I do love the "you're not even my type, though" (we know, Sarah is) and the "why, too smart or too classy?" Thankfully he calls her on the classy part, and yaaayy we are back to the sassy banter that I like :))) Brotp forever please. Also Reade aren't you still on pain meds? You shouldn't really be drinking... And then aww she wingmans for him (which would have been hilariously awkward if the girl had actually been checking HER out. Man, that would have been amazing). But then hold on writers, what is this little ~look~ she throws back at him?? Please tell me that that was just a slightly wistful 'If only I could love him as something more than a brother, who knows, we could have been a good couple" and not a "I'm pretending I don’t have feelings for you bc though I actually am in love with you I don't want to drag you down into the trash pile with me". Bc legit if the writers go down the path of the latter, I'm going to be so pissed. JUST LET THEM BE BEST FRIENDS, OKAY??? NOT EVERYONE WITH OPPOSITE GENITALS HAS TO FALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER, GEEZ.

Naw Patterson finds Jane sitting behind the mirror, watching over Roman like the loving-- and worried-- big sister that she is. And Patterson, bless her, my precious angel made of fairy dust and sunshine-- gently reassures her that 'psychology isn't even a real science so you shouldn't listen to anything the shrink says' (or something along those lines lol), and then ughhhhh when Jane is basically acknowledging that she has no power to fight the shrink's diagnosis because she 'isn't objective', Patterson gifts us with this: "Maybe that's the point. Weller wasn't objective, and he brought out the best in you. Maybe you can do that for Roman". And so the Queen has spoken: lack of objectivity = LOVEEEE, and love will set you free and all that jazz. But ugh Patterson I could kiss you rn (not like I would ever need much encouragement any other time, tho lol)

Okay if no kissing then could I at least write you a prescription for some better pain killers because I hate seeing you suffer like this (ugh Shepherd what sneaky thing did you do to my precious baby). At least the pain meds that she has-- while useless for the pain-- actually help her to crack the leopard clue. Wooo! Shame she had to get Nas involved, but at least she's telling Jane pretty much immediately. And because Patterson is a genius, she determines that the clue points towards a chick in some bikie gang, who is seen in a photo with none other than Roman. Guess we know what next ep is about!!  #exciting

Oh joy, an Allie and Weller scene. I was totally just thinking that this ep needed more of them (#not). But oh my goddddd he's been nesting, setting up a nursery and buying a crib with the highest safety rating and trying out colour swatches for the walls and oh my lord this is simultaneously the worst and the best thing bc 'excited prospective-dad Weller' is SO ADORABLE but the circumstances and partner are definitely... less than ideal, shall we say. Siiiiiiiigh. And then BAM Allie's suddenly moving to Colorado with Connor and Weller cares too much about her to ever even consider trying to get her to stay and so okay I see two options here: either the writers are trying to make us think Allie is going to be out of the picture, so when some Big Bad Thing happens involving her and the baby, it'll be an even bigger twist; or, she literally does move to Colorado and the show very occasionally mentions Weller's interstate baby in future seasons just so we don't start thinking that the whole storyline was just a really protracted, mass-shared bad dream. Since the second would just be embarrassingly bad screenwriting, I'm pretty much hoping for the first option...

Well, there it is. Happy Blindspot Day, and see you for the (hopefully much more punctual) next installment!                       

[fionatlux]

So maybe you’ve heard about this new pseudo-period drama, Still Star-Crossed, that’s a takeoff on Romeo and Juliet, and you’re wondering what it’s all about! It looks great: incredibly good-looking multiracial cast, stunning locations, just all-around gorgeousness. But the episodes are an hour long, and you’re not sure you want to invest. You wish someone would do a parody-dialogue recap? (I realize this is unlikely, since I feel like the long-form parody-dialogue recap died with LJ, but oh well.) You are in luck! I have decided to recap at least the first few episodes. The first one is a bit slow-going--it’s heavy on exposition and setup--but the show is highly entertaining, and by episode 3, it’s even funny on purpose. Check it out, and if you enjoy, watch the show! It airs on ABC on Saturday nights, and is available on Hulu the day after, I believe. Episode 4 airs this week!

I’ve also reviewed the book it’s based on here. Episode 2 recap is here.

EPISODE 1

In fair Verona where we lay our scene… Two houses, both alike in blah blah blah we know.

Some Gorgeous Cathedrally Interior

[We open with a clandestine, ill-advised wedding. Romeo and Juliet are delighted! Benvolio and Rosaline, accompanying their respective cousins, are… not.]

FRIAR LAURENCE: Look, I also have a bad feeling about this, but orders are orders.

[Wait, what?]

FRIAR LAURENCE: I mean, too many funerals, a wedding is a nice change, yay true love!

ROSALINE & BENVOLIO: *look concerned*

  A Deathbed, The Palace

[The elderly prince of Verona is dying. He has wonderful gravitas.]

THE PRINCE: Isabella, make sure that my law eliminating due process for accused murderers is instated. And keep your brother from doing anything stupid. Where is he, anyway?

ESCALUS: I’m here! I’m here! I raced the CGI zoom shot on horseback all the way from Venice!

THE PRINCE: Son, you must keep Montague and Capulet in line. Seriously, if you don’t, you’ll be next.

ESCALUS: It is painfully obvious that I am a sweet boy and in no way equipped to rule a city.

ISABELLA: It is also obvious that, in addition to having great fashion sense and magnificent eyebrows, I am politically savvy and ominously ambitious.

  Maison Montague

[CGI zoom! Here we see three BFFs returned home after, presumably, a night of bro times and possibly a secret wedding. They are met by their paterfamilias, who looks like the lovechild of Charles Boyle from Brooklyn Nine Nine and Lucius Malfoy. I immediately christen him Luciles Malfoyle.]

LUCILES MALFOYLE: Welcome back, Romeo, my beloved son! Hi, Mercutio! I made breakfast! BUT NOT FOR YOU, BENVOLIO. Delinquents who break off perfectly good engagements because “oh noes I don’t love her” DON’T DESERVE BREAKFAST.

BENVOLIO: O-okay. I’ll just be over here chewing on a large chunk of irony, then.

A MESSENGER: The Prince is dead! Escalus is in charge!

LUCILES MALFOYLE: I SMELL OPPORTUNITY!

LUCILES MALFOYLE: No, wait, that’s just the stink of bars and prostitutes. Go shower, B.

  Casa Capulet

[It’s Giles! Hi, Giles! He is having an Argument of Exposition with Lady Capulet, who looks like a Disney Evil Queen. This is about right, because Rosaline’s sister Livia looks like someone who gets ready in the morning with the help of bluebirds and a trio of singing mice.]

LIVIA: They’re totally going to let us go to the ball!

[Keep dreaming, Livia! A dream is a wish your heart makes!] 

GILES: They are our orphaned, impoverished nieces! I feel bad about making them be servants!

LADY CAPULET: They are YOUR nieces and I hate them.

LIVIA: Anyway, I need to go to the ball to meet a rich husband so that I can be happy and you can… join a nunnery? Seriously? I think you are overestimating the amount of free time a nun gets.

ROSALINE: Well, we’re about 200 years too early for Mary Wollstonecraft, so this is the best I can do.

LADY CAPULET: Although it pains me in my soul to say this… you can go to the ball.

LIVIA: YES!!!! No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true!

ROSALINE: I am not excited about going to the ball, and even less excited about meeting the prince, but I really love my baby sister.

 JULIET: Oh good, you’re all here. I have big news! I… can’t go to the ball because… uh… because…

ROSALINE: Perhaps you’re… really tired?

JULIET: Yes! That’s totally it! I am tired! Sick, even! KTHXBAI!

ROSALINE: Well, at least she has a nice view of the fireworks from her balcony.

[The fireworks are a metaphor. For orgasm. In case you missed it.]

  A Fancy Ball, The Palace

[I’m going to start interspersing this with more commentary, because parody dialogue takes a really long time to craft. The Capulets arrive at the ball! What are you two wearing? What are any of you wearing? What century even is it? Livia has puffed sleeves straight out of Anne of Green Gables’s wildest dreams, while Rosaline is rocking a cold shoulder. I know it’s trendy, but it kind of looks like she gave her sleeves to Livia. I don’t even know. Isabella's tiara is nice, though.]

[Montague is also here! The two families snipe at each other! Ooh, a zinger from Giles. Giles: 1, Luciles Malfoyle: 0.]

ISABELLA: Let me catch you up on the Capulet-Montague sitch. It’s bad. And Daddy said--

ESCALUS: Yeah, I know, no trials for murderers, summary execution, blah blah blah.

[Listen to your sister, Escalus, because if this goes anything like the book, pretty soon she's gonna be married off to Hot 1990s Denzel Washington from a different play entirely and then you won't have anybody to advise you on your incredibly stupid plans.] [Spoiler: It does not go anything like the book.]

 ISABELLA: I am so happy to see you, Rosaline!

ROSALINE: I am markedly less happy to see you.

ESCALUS: *heart eyes*

ROSALINE: You I will favor with a look of repressed longing.

[Hmmm. I smell backstory! I mean, I know the backstory, I’ve read the book, but still.]

 LIVIA: Somewhere in this crowd is my one true love. Ooh, and fire dancers!

ROSALINE: Is my sweet precious grown-up baby sister not the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?

  Elsewhere at the Fancy Ball

BENVOLIO: OK, so I came up with an itinerary for tonight’s pub-and-brothel crawl—

[aw snotblossoms, it’s Tybalt!]

TYBALT: FIGHT ME, MONTAGUE SCUM!

[Romeo would rather not, but then Mercutio shows up and it is ON. Tybalt stabs Mercutio. Romeo stabs Tybalt. Benvolio is busy dueling some other guy, I don’t know.]

MERCUTIO: A plague on both your houses! Ask for me tomorrow; you shall find me a grave man. *dies*

[Romeo is devastated. Benvolio is extremely concerned. Me, I am just glad Mercutio was allowed to keep the pun.]

  The Courtyard, Casa Capulet

[The Capulet courtyard has much better shrubbery than the Montague courtyard. We’re talking topiary, hedge mazes, fishpond. It is GLORIOUS. Giles: 2, Luciles Malfoyle: 0.]

GILES: Yeah I kind of feel bad about how many people the feud has killed. It all started when my ancestor let one of his serfs save up money to buy his own flock, or something.

A VERY FANCY YOUNG MAN: I like money and power and I have a lot of both.

GILES: Count Paris, I have to tell you that I am unimpressed by your doublet-and-cape ensemble, magnificently upholstered though it is.

PARIS: Also my father is the prince of Mantua. Juliet will be well cared for there.

[They sound like they are discussing retirement arrangements for, like, a sick racehorse. It is not romantic, and Paris looks vaguely greasy to boot. Nevertheless—]

GILES: Sold!

  The Breakfast Room, Casa Capulet

[Juliet is not having a good morning.]

LADY CAPULET: Well, well, thou hast a careful father, child. Congratulations, you’re marrying Paris. He is handsome, rich, and exceptionally well dressed! Seriously, I am going to reupholster all our furniture in his doublet material.

ROSALINE: *drops dishes*

GILES: And Romeo has killed your cousin Tybalt, which means his life is forfeit.

JULIET & ROSALINE: Oh, crap.

  The Streets of Verona

ROMEO: *is on the lam*

  The Palace

ESCALUS: Romeo was just avenging Mercutio! That seems legit to me!

[He seems oblivious to the fact that this kind of thinking is what keeps feuds going in the first place.]

ISABELLA: Yeah, but he got blood all over our floor. The law says he dies! And the law means nothing if you don’t enforce it.

ESCALUS: I can’t afford to piss off Montague!

ISABELLA: This is the kind of thinking that leads to revolution! To heads on spikes, brother! OUR HEADS. ON SPIKES. Is that what you want? IS IT?

[Actually Isabella’s kind of thinking also leads to revolution, though she’s not wrong about the need to actually enforce laws. I’m a little concerned for the monarchy, here.]

  The Sewers of Verona

ROMEO: *is still on the lam*

  Juliet’s Room, Casa Capulet

JULIET: We can’t just let him die!

ROSALINE: …We could, though? It would solve a lot of problems, I’m just saying.

  Friar Laurence’s Workshop of Creepy Potions

FRIAR LAURENCE: Here is a fake-death potion. Don’t take more than one drop or it will be real-death potion.

JULIET: And you have fake-real-death potion lying around because…?

FRIAR LAURENCE: Don’t ask.

  Juliet’s Room, Casa Capulet

ROSALINE: Are you sure about this?

JULIET: Yep.

ROSALINE: Okay then. HELP! MY LADY JULIET IS DEAD!

[Ladies, this is a terrible plan. You don’t actually have a plan! You don’t even have a pla! The show didn’t give you one!]

  Some Tavern

BENVOLIO: *drinks*

FRIAR LAURENCE: B., where’s Romeo?

[Maybe he has a plan? Unfortunately, Benvolio doesn’t know where Romeo is.]

  The Capulet Tomb

[Sad Paris is sad. His doublet-and-cape ensemble, however, is still magnificent. Enter Romeo, fight fight fight, stabz, drinks, dies, Juliet awakens, drinks, dies. In this version, Romeo, not a churl, has left a friendly drop to help her after. They lie facing each other on the bier, their hands entwined, their heads close together on the pillows like sleeping children. It is actually really sad.]

ROSALINE [arriving juuuuust too late]: Ohhhhh, this is bad. *flees*

[Dramatic zoom on Paris! He suddenly awakens and, with the last of his strength, Googles something.]

PARIS: “How… to get… blood… out of upholstery…”

  Obligatory Period Drama Corset-Lacing Scene, Casa Capulet

[Evil Queen Lady Capulet and Rosaline are having a hostile heart-to-heart. It is abundantly clear that while Livia is living in a Disney Cinderella, Rosaline is stuck in the unhappy parts of Ever After.]

LADY CAPULET: Admire my generosity in letting you attend Juliet’s funeral! Are you not grateful? Don’t say I never did anything for you.

ROSALINE: No, really, what have you ever done for us? We wait on you hand and foot, and you hate us because you were in love with our father but you wanted a title so you married Giles instead, and our presence is a constant reminder of what you gave up!

LADY CAPULET: *backhands* Too much exposition!

 ROSALINE: I miss my parents. And Juliet.

ROSALINE: Conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know! Well, now Lady Capulet knows.

  Friar Laurence’s Cell of Dropped Bombshells

LUCILES MALFOYLE: I secretly encouraged my son to fall in love with Capulet’s daughter, and I paid you to marry them—

[WHAT?!]

LUCILES MALFOYLE:—and am I gonna get to lord it over Giles at state dinners now? Well, AM I?!?!

FRIAR LAURENCE: …no?

LUCILES MALFOYLE: And whose fault is that?

FRIAR LAURENCE: …mine?

LUCILES MALFOYLE: DAMN RIGHT IT IS.

[I give Luciles Malfoyle a point for sneakiness, but take it away again because it got people killed and he clearly did not plan for this contingency. Giles: 2, Luciles Malfoyle: 0.]

  The Double Funeral

ESCALUS: And so, I realize that Capulet and Montague are basically the two mafia families that run this city, but I really need you all to give it a rest.

ROSALINE & BENVOLIO: *look concerned*

ESCALUS: Look, Montague commissioned this solid gold statue of Juliet as a peace offering!

[Giles: 2, Luciles Malfoyle: 1]

GILES [sotto voce]: And as a gauche display of wealth! Montagues, so lacking in class, amirite?

[Giles: 3, Luciles Malfoyle: 1]

[Escalus dramatically unveils the statue. It has been scrawled with the word “HARLOT” in red letters—]

ME: Wrong show!

[—and the funeral dissolves into chaos.]

ESCALUS: Rosaline! I’ll save you! Here, hide with me in this incredibly beautiful candlelit room.

ROSALINE: You do the heart eyes extremely well, but I’ve got to find my sister. Rosaline out!

  Sibling Argument, The Palace

ISABELLA: Escalus, do something about all this civil brawling! 

ESCALUS: But Mantua! Padua! The Medici! The Papal states! You don’t understand because you’re a GIRL!

ISABELLA: They can't conquer Verona if there isn't any of Verona left! YOUR DAMN CITY IS ON FIRE. LITERALLY.

 Sibling Argument, Casa Capulet

LIVIA: You let Juliet marry a Montague and didn’t think that MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT???

ROSALINE: No time to argue! We’re getting out while we still can!

LIVIA: Out? Are you out of your goddamn mind?

[The sisterly argument is interrupted by a summons from the palace!]

  The Brawling Streets of Verona

ROSALINE: Oh great, brigands. Like this day couldn’t get any worse.

[It’s about to get worse.]

A HELPFUL BYSTANDER: This way!

ROSALINE: Oh great, a dead-end alley… that is strewn with bodies…

THE HELPFUL BYSTANDER: Actually I am a villain!

ROSALINE: Time to conk a dude on the head with a billet of wood.  

BENVOLIO [heroically backlit]: I’ll save you!

ROSALINE: I had it under control! You realize this is all your fault?

[They bicker, loudly, casting blame on each other and running through the entire list of ways in which Romeo and Juliet could have somehow not turned out badly.]

BENVOLIO: I am starting to seriously question why I jumped in to save a lady’s life.

ROSALINE: Your saving me is the worst thing ever. I’m going to storm off now.

BENVOLIO [calling after her]: YOU’RE WELCOME.

[The Rock called, he wants his Moana tagline back. He’ll probably get it: Benvolio doesn’t have enough tattoos or sass to carry it off very far. At least, I’m assuming he doesn’t. It’s kind of hard to tell under all the leather. His mustache is trying, though.]

  The Castle of Capulet

[Meanwhile, Livia has been transported into a Gothic novel. She discovers a secret passage with a secret staircase leading to The Secret Sickroom, where The Nurse and Evil Queen Lady Capulet are tending to a sweaty, disheveled Paris. He is posing attractively and gasping as he continues to bleed on the upholstery. Clearly this requires someone with doctor skills and discretion.] 

LIVIA: I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!

  Some Throne Room, The Palace

[Rosaline arrives, disheveled, at what is obviously an intervention. Giles and the Montagues are already there.] 

GILES: Niece, I hope you are feeling extra patriotic today! For the Greater Good!

ROSALINE: This cannot possibly bode well.

[It doesn’t.]

ESCALUS: The marriage of Benvolio Montague and Rosaline Capulet is now mandated by the state. Which is me. Congratulations.

ROSALINE & BENVOLIO: …

BENVOLIO: Will your grace command me any service to the world’s end? I will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on; I will fetch you a tooth-picker now from the furthest inch of Asia, bring you the length of Prester John’s foot, fetch you a hair off the great Cham’s beard, do you any embassage to the Pigmies, rather than hold three words’ conference with this harpy!

ROSALINE: I take it back; this is the worst thing ever. ROSALINE OUT.

  A Fabulous Candlelit-and-Frescoed Interior, The Palace

ROSALINE: Given our adorable and romantic past that was tragically interrupted by my father being murdered in the street by Montagues, I think I have the right to ask: How could you?

ESCALUS: I’m actually doing this for totally valid political reasons, but I’m going to try to justify it by making it seem like I’m doing you a favor!

ROSALINE: Un. be. lieve. able.

ESCALUS: What do you want?

ROSALINE: Economic and political agency for women and a sovereign who isn't a complete bonehead?

ESCALUS: Try again.

ROSALINE: I will settle for tearful, clandestine makeouts.

ESCALUS: Done!

 BENVOLIO: Well, that escalated quickly.

[Someone had to say it.]

Next Episode