#ohhhh white women.... you guys are so predictable

[gojuo]

>says the showrunner don't understand what GRRM wanted to convey with the Dance (because characters have vacillating motivations and actions)

>says the Dance at its core is about a woman being denied her dynastic inheritence because all the ggrrr evil weevil villains that oppose her hate women gggrrrrrr

[romcomathon2016]

The Heartbreak Kid (USA, 2007)

Predictions: Alex predicted that some people got together, but one of them had a kid who was determined to break them up. Kat was too heartbroken about America to make a prediction. Happy Fourth of July week, guys………

Plot: Ohhhh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, this was definitely not what Alex predicted, and it was in fact even worse. Are ya ready? Ben Stiller is a slightly marriage-phobic man who seems to regret his marriage-phobia when he attends the wedding of his ex-fiancée. Then he runs into a seemingly normal Malin Akerman, when she has her purse stolen on the street. Though Ben Stiller fails to get her purse back, he does charm her, and after some shenanigans and gross commentary from his (also real-life!) dad, Jerry Stiller, Malin Akerman and Ben Stiller start dating.

For a few weeks, things seem to be going well. They make out constantly, all over San Francisco. But this happy period is soon interrupted by Malin Akerman’s news that her job wants to send her to Rotterdam. However, apparently they don’t send married people. Ding ding ding! Faced with the decision of either breaking up or getting hitched, and encouraged by his father and his married pal Rob Corddry, Ben Stiller decides WHY NOT and takes the marriage plunge. "WHY NOT"? "WHY NOT"?????? Dude, you have known this girl six weeks. You haven’t even had sex, and you decide to get married???? But reader, he does, and, well...off they go to Cabo for their honeymoon.

Unsurprisingly, things start to go awry almost immediately. Ben Stiller finds that Malin Akerman is a crazy person in bed, likes to hold hands while she eats (????), has a deviated septum because of a coke habit, has 26K in debt, and doesn’t actually have a paying job. She is essentially a trash monster disguised in human clothes. After Malin Akerman suffers a truly sensational sunburn and gets in a fight with Ben Stiller over the fact that he sided with the “Mexican ozone” instead of her, Ben Stiller realizes he may have been too hasty. He roams the resort alone and runs into Michelle Monaghan, a perfectly normal person who’s there celebrating her aunt and uncle’s vow renewal.

Over the next few days, while Malin Akerman recovers from her sunburn, Ben Stiller sneaks off to spend time with Michelle Monaghan and her Mississippi relatives. Of course, they have no idea that he’s actually on his honeymoon, due to some misunderstanding/his, you know, NOT MENTIONING IT. They think — due to a weird joke from the beginning of the movie — that he’s a widower whose wife was murdered.

Things come to a head eventually, when two of Michelle Monaghan’s cousins spot Ben Stiller having breakfast with his alive wife. He is forced to come clean to both women. Michelle Monaghan and her family leave, and Malin Akerman burns up all of his things, including his passport. So Ben Stiller is stuck in Mexico for like a month, ranting to an old man on the beach and looking very ratty. Desperate to get back to the States to see Michelle Monaghan, Ben Stiller sneaks across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants. (YUP. For those keeping score, this is now the second white dude we have witnessed sneaking across the Mexican border as a lolarious romcom joke. WTF.)

He gets to Mississippi, only to discover that Michelle Monaghan got married to her ex-boyfriend, and is chased from her home. So he leaves the States for Cabo permanently, deciding to open up a store there. Apparently it grew on him during his exile. Eighteen months later, who should appear but Michelle Monaghan, admitting that she’s left her husband and wants to grab dinner. “That sounds great!” Ben Stiller gushes, but he is a LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE (AGAIN) because it turns out he’s now married to?? dating?? Eva Longoria. AND THAT'S THE END OF THE MOVIE. THE END OF THE MOVIE!!!!

...Except for the end credits, in which Malin Akerman is having sex with a donkey. Don’t ask.

Best Scene: Weeeell. The scene at the end when Michelle Monaghan turns up is...kind of nice? Before you find out freaking Ben Stiller is now with freaking Eva Longoria. But to be honest, there really aren't a lot of great scenes to choose from. :|

Worst Scene: EVERYTHING. Particularly when Malin Akerman and Ben Stiller have sex. It is bizarre, it is so much, and it is not even especially funny. Sigh.

Best Line: “But you know what? If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a darn thing.” — Malin Akerman, after telling Ben Stiller about her cocaine habit, her debt, her not-job… We laughed, in spite of our horror.

Worst Line: We could not possibly choose.

Highlights of the Watching Experience: No one should watch this. Honestly. No one. There are no highlights, only lowlights. How does Malin Akerman choose her projects?! Why is she always this person?! Why is this movie filled with rampant casual homophobia?! Why are none of the “jokes” funny at all?!

How Many POC in the Film: Carlos Mencia, a resort employee who is, uh, the worst? He tries to get Malin Akerman to give him a handjob by pretending to be Ben Stiller, so yeah, we feel pretty comfortable saying he’s the worst. And some other Mexicans that Ben Stiller stood near, we suppose. NOT GREAT, MOVIE. NOT GREAT.

Alternate Scenes: There is no way to salvage this film. It's amazing this script was not only greenlit but went through multiple drafts. Dear lord.

Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: It has to be better. Any poster would be better.

(Turns out, the poster could almost be for Alex's prediction! Perhaps Ben Stiller is with Malin Akerman's mom, who had Malin Akerman at a very young age. And now Ben Stiller has to be stepdad to Malin Akerman, whose outlook on her mom's remarriage is...exceptionally immature. Probably also not a very good movie, but one we would maybe have preferred to watch over this one.)

Score: 2 out of 10 married-after-six-weeks smooches. Don't do it, people. Do not get married after six weeks.

Ranking: 126, out of the 144 movies we've watched so far. Oh my god, there are almost twenty movies worse than this one. What have we been watching?!