#ohgod yall dont know how deep im in

[sulfies]

Ezio Auditore my beloved, I got stuck into this hell now all I do is read AC fanfics 😭🖐🏻

New Tumblr some of yall might know me as Macun on insta,

[lovinthesoo]

why i have been stressed recently (personal shit very long post ahead)

okay i have been in my new job for 4 months now and ive been feeling okay i guess? i was actually okay with my previous job (i get along with my officemates and i feel accomplished whenever i do something right (they do acknowledge the hard work of people there)) i just resigned there because my new job is so close (i only travel for 5 mins whereas in my previous job i need to wake up at 4 am and travel by 5:30 so i can be at the office before 8 and going home is such a hassle especially if its rush hour :(( ) i only go to work 4 days a week and so much benefits (since i work in the govt its a given) my mom works here too (but in a diff department) and she encouraged me to apply here since well the pros actually win over the cons. anyway getting straight to the point, basically im the newest here. and the youngest. im okay with what i do since my main job is to just encode stuff. recently my officemate (lets name her jennie since she’s a blink) (can yall believe i actually found someone here who likes kpop as well) started hinting that she’s transferring offices (she’s been working here for 2 years now) and so there was the rumor of finding candidates to replace her. i knew that my guy officemate was the number one candidate cause he already knew what to do but then i heard that i was also a candidate. (you know the reason why?? BECAUSE I WAS A GIRL and they actually believe that girls work meticulously and other shit they said and there are no other girls left fit for her job) i actually panicked when i heard that cause first of all im fine with my current job (not to be whiny af but i dont want to learn something new esp when im relatively new in where i work do you get me :( ) second, jennie;s work is kinda stressful (people keep on teasing that we should get ready and shit cause it is stressful) LETS BE REAL NOBODY WANTS A STRESSFUL JOB. and so knowing that i was really a candidate made me anxious af like people noticed that something was wrong with me (ofc i didnt say it was about that) and i was really down that day. and so last week i was taught how her job is done (it was pretty simple cause its just copy paste but sometimes it gets too much because you have to be really attentive to everything written and you have to keep on switching tabs and everything and you have to do it under time pressure). while i was trying to take in everything our oic comes to us and said something. she said that i will be the one who will transfer offices instead of jennie. i was so shocked cause i dunno if it was real or she was joking and i really said to her “WHAT?” and then she said that i am transferring offices. what pissed me off is that the reason she wants me to transfer is that without jennie, people here would be always looking for her. who wouldnt feel irrelevant by that?? it’s like telling me that im not fucking important, people would not be bothered if i wasnt around. i get it that she’s closer to most people here but wow that really hit me in the guts. and then she goes on saying that she’ll talk to our main boss and ask if she can switch me and jennie or like jennie stays there for 3 days and id be there for a day for a week (SHE CLEARLY SAID “ SO THAT WE WOULDNT MISS JENNIE HERE”) and then our main boss suddenly went there and then our oic told him everything. our main boss was looking for someone who actually lives near cause they do overtime most days (jennie and i live near but jennie is nearer like she just walks to get here) (of course i dont want to do overtime another reason why im whining) and then our main boss said that he’s looking for someone mature already (okay i kinda got hit there cause does he actually think im not mature??) (or i think its in terms of the work load since jennie is working here for 2 years already so obviously she is more mature) anyway, that’s that i think i’d still be a candidate but for back up maybe but i hope i really dont get picked for jennie’s place because she handles a very important role and i dont think i can handle that much pressure. also i think one reason that our oic wanted me to transfer is because she thinks im lazy??? like there’s one person here in the office who was ranting in the comfort rooms saying that the newbies (including me) were really lazy like we’re just surfing the net or just have our earphones on (bitch first of all dont compare your work with ours cause its completely different. second, what’s your problem if we finish our work early? we just know how to manage our time) and i think our oic overheard that so she really thinks im lazy :( im so anxious ever since that happened like i cant get it out of my mind. im scared and nervous. i dont handle pressure well and i think im always on the verge of crying. whenever i think about me doing the job, the only things i say to myself is that you can learn it in time and it will be easier for you in the future (but what really bothers me is that i cant make so many mistakes cause our oic tells me that YOU SHOULD LEARN EVERYTHING QUICKLY AND DONT MAKE TOO MANY MISTAKES) see why im so stressed??

this is another topic but this also stressed me so much because there’s this one guy im really close with (to make things clear i only see him as a friend that’s it) we can talk about a lot of stuff. last week we were talking about something and we went to the topic of boyfriends and then he asked me if i have one and then i said no one even wants to date me and then he said they’re just around you just dont notice them (AND I WAS LIKE WTF??? NOT TO BE ASSUMING BUT ARE YOU REFERRING TO YOURSELF??) and i didnt react to that cause it kinda freaked me out???  and then i fucking realized how touchy he was getting with me. before that incident there was a time where he suddenly pinched my cheek?? wtf bro??? and then he suddenly tickled me on my side (im a ticklish person so everywhere is tickling for me) and he also touched the back of my neck ohmygod i told him to stop but he ignored me and just took it as a joke. i mean i am touchy but i think he misunderstood me being touchy??? tickling is way too touchy ohgod i dont even let my other guy friends do that and he just did??? also one thing that irks me off about him is that he tends to say a lot of nsfw stuff during a normal conversation. i usually just laugh it off but deep inside im actually cringing so hard. there never goes a day i didnt hear him say something nsfw its getting tiring.  i may be overthinking and overreacting to this but ugh its really getting to my head i hope im just getting the wrong idea cause fuck i cant really handle confrontations and i just see him as a friend (pls he’s trying to hard to talk to me cause he actually talks to me about kpop when i know he isnt into that) and now im trying to distance myself from him (its so fucking hard when we work in the same office)

okay thats all lol but fml i hope i still live (for exo)

if anyone actually read this you just wasted your time lol but i need encouraging words so thanks in advance