#oh theres also a hermit work i wanna try so theres that

[ickmick]

Inktober days 16-25

hi!! small scheduling thing I wanna say before we get into it!! if you just wanna see the art you can skip to under the cut!! where it says 'keep reading'!!

Im posting 10 (thats right, ten!) drawings today, and 5 tomorrow!! (hopefully!) that way, I can just post one final drawing on Halloween!! I didn't fully think this schedule out tbh... but thats okay! I think this'll work fine, Im just ensuring you all know :D

as for how I'll post after October... we'll have to see!! I *might* do novelember! but I also might instead of daily prompts combine them into one per week or generally do less, just because I can't write as fast as I draw! (glances at my finished but unposted scarian pt 2.... so maybe i can write fast but it takes a bit to be satisfied with it....) /silly

so I hope to see you again tomorrow and then on Halloween! enjoy!

(heres week one, week two, and week threes posts!)

I'll only list the prompts I used that day, but here's the key for acronyms n such;

wh = welcome home

hc = hermitcraft (I have 2!)

ink = official inktober

gore = goretober

(actual gore will be triggerwarned! so far none has any blood or violence!)

Day 16

ink: angel

life: yellow life

ehehehe... yes me drawing a scene from something I havent even posted LSVSJSVSK- but uh!! first time drawing ren!! yippee!!

Day 17

life: time

gore: plant growth

ink: demon

yes me planning out a little 4 panel angsty thing because the life series has my heart... and then cleo and tango!! I want to draw cleo in full one of these days...

Day 18

hc: meme

life: horse

the horse curse!! poor scar... not even a peaceful dinner pffft

Day 19

wh: bakery

hc: action pose

last year I drew/painted scar and grian baking halloween cookies on my sketchbook, so this is sort of a homage to that! I never posted it because it never got finished... but it was a bit silly too!

Day 20

wh: siblings

ink: frost

pearl and grian as siblings make my heart happy <3

also some subtle tango and grian shipping!! these are both silly drawings, but they were fun!!

Day 21

hc: hermit w/ a mob

grian and the sniffer are having a little mimir... and jelly and scar are hanging out too :D

Day 22

hc: star

life: wolf

I dont remember when/which life series this would refer to... but wolf pearl is cool!! (and of course we have miss ariana griande!!

Day 23

life: ocean

ink: crystals

the second one is actually a slight reference to this GIG(G)S phasmo fic! go check it out, its great! its a chat fic, and it still has a really good plot and interactions! :D

Day 24

life: canary

first time drawing jimmy!! the canary!! but also the sheriff!! I saw something on tumblr a while ago where hes literally like a little bjd (ball joint doll, I think!) and I think thats really cute! I fudged the proportions on that middle drawing, but thats okay lol

Day 25

hc: fullbody / celestial (sort of!)

I love this one the most I think- at least from this batch! watcher grian has always been something I love even though I havent seen Evo... and it was fun to play around with wing placement! and the pose was fun :3

my app crashed while I was drafting this so im sorry if anything seems stiff or rushed TwT

I had to rewrite it all! makes it feel like energetic I think... oh well...

anyways!! theres all of them for now!! I'll try to post 26-30 tomorrow... we'll see how many I actually post, but I will post tomorrow!! see you then!! 💜

heres week 5.1's post, and the last one (5.2) :D

[redstonedust]

HI. I WANNA CLASSPECT HERMITS. thinking abt this in like a sburb session or the game in ve so this is sorta au-y but i think it still fits?

joe as a page of doom and cleo as a bard of life, working together in a session. joe using cleos destruction to guide the rest of the session forward and her being like im trying to kill and ur really harshing the vibe rn

i don't have many ideas for false but i do think either her or cleo would fit really well as a lord (i know its gendered and also is in a two player session only just pretend it isnt), maybe false's aspect would be rage? rage or light i think

I AM LISTENING!!!!! oh oh oh joe and cleo as doom and life is really fun actually... bard of life very underused combo. also cleo in the codpiece would be very funny.

i think false could be a lord as a treat :) i dont know much about lord vibes but theres over 20 hemits so youve gotta get creative might as well let there be lords and muses their session would be doomed af anyways (unless u split it into multiple sessions? pre and post scratch?)

[skylardoesthings]

Hello, I'm here and I would like to hear about your AUs! Just any that you wanna talk about.

instead of one au im going to be rambling about... a lot of aus. cause i have school break (pls hope my grades are good-)

its gon' be under the cut because really, really long ramble lmao

anyways have my current brainrot becuase it fts my current faves- its a gods + immortals au, i have some designs buuutttt some of the drawings are bad, then again whatever have 'em

theres 4? i think? more designs i need to make for the gods lol. and i have like... 8 designs to make for the immortals

heres the list lol:

-gods- it means what it means lmao

Charlie Slimecicle, god of crafting/smelting, and the harvest

Bizly, god of wildlife

Grizzly, god of weapons and tools

Condifiction, god of dimensions and portals

GeminiTay, goddess of life

Kristin, goddess of death

Katherine Elizabeth, goddess of nature/land and the daytime/sun LDShadowLady, goddess of the sea and the nighttime/moon

Eret, god of light and dark 

Illumina, warden of the void/god of the void

Goodtimeswithscar, god of magic and illusions

Wels, god of war battle strategy and music

Foolish, Totem of life and death

BTD, god of time 

Smallishbeans, god of chaos and mischief

Eqqo, god of architecture

ThomasToSpace, god of space and stars

ZombieCleo, ruler of the Underworld

Joe Hills, ruler of the Aether

CPT. Sparklez, ruler of the End

Tango, ruler of the Nether

Shelby, goddess of love -Immortals- pretty much. theyre like the gods. but theyre not indestructible, so yeah they can die, they just don't age. also kind of ooc becuase of my headcanons lol

Jevin, The Bookkeeper/Storyteller

Pete, The blacksmith

Fruit, The Combatant

Sausage, Angel of Life

Phil, Angel of Death

Cub, Wizard’s apprentice

Jimmy, The Advisor 

Fwhip, The Innovator

thing about this au is that i want to make them as human as possible. idk thats just how i like to make aus, i want them to feel real and alive. they have flaws, they have ups and downs, fears n anxieties, interests and dislikes, etc!!

its so easy to make them so powerful and all mighty and shit, and they are, just when its needed. other than that, they're not. they're just people havin' fun.

these lads aren't perfect but they're perfect to me :]

--

I've mentioned this au every once and awhile, its the dnd au, but like, the hermits is the dnd group playing the game, Joe is the DM the rest is the players,

another au i've mentioned before is the RPG au, its literally an RPG game. characters are Wels, xB, Jev + Hypno because they're my faves as you can probably tell. Heres a quick doodle of them :]

i think i've showed this doodle before-

-- I had this crack au idea about JRWI: Riptide with, hc. because Jay Ferin reminds me a lot of s6 Cleo.

also, speaking of JRWI, thinking about PD and a BNHA au, i dont have anough brain cells to make stuff up for that though

(btw, go watch JRWI, its a cool dnd podcast. also while we at this pls go watch Eqqo, he does really cool builds)

--

I think those are my current aus in my head

do i have writing for it? yeah, my brain loves to make these little movie/camera scene type thing??? and i've been trying to get it out, and so i've been writing all my ideas and stuff down, even if it won't be finished.

Or sometimes I'd draw/animate it. Depends on the time i have and my mood really,

oh and hermittale is still in the works, i just need to get all these aus out of my head first haha. i'll post some doodles of this au soon tho!!

[limelocked]

Would Niki be intrigued with the armour stand dioramas?

Theres so many things that the dsmp members would be amazed at outside of the size of builds and i love that for them

In sundial only Phil has been to the real end, Wil and fundy are from dsmp who dont have the end and wilbur would expect the end to look like the moon on smpearth probably, meanwhile techno would expect it to look like the end island in skyblock

everyone from dsmp would be terrorised at any and all nights by phantoms, they dont have them on the smp but oh do the hermits have them. none of them like it

we’ve been trying to figure out how 1 player sleeps would look like for the two servers since dsmp doesnt have it but hermitcraft do, at one point we just called the sky haunted and moved on but i wanna hear dot talk more about weird sleeping humans do so its still up for debate... also we invented a new measure of time

if you thought techno finding out about the noteblock thing fundy made of able sisters was adorable you better multiply that for everyone because no one has seen armourstands used like that before, its overwhealming  and i think in an early convo we talked about fundy getting taught how to work with them by cleo because his half godlike powers from his “true home” aka the worlds he uses for his cursed dificulties, ice floor and more, doesnt exist on hermitcraft and he felt weak.... so he played god over stick people...

eclipse au is just several people bullying dream to make the server better

[wormman]

Your post about Rosie has me intrigued: what’s the deal with Evil X in the au?

ok well i was gonna draw something for this but my hermie crab inspiration is Gone so heres just a text post lmao. its also long but it has a fun song in it if you wanna listen :^D

step one: put on venus ambassador 

step two, listen to my tales ye children young

evil x was x’s first of three camera accounts. it gets a bit confusing, but xisuma is… Xisuma. EvilXisuma is evil x, ofc, then theres Xisumavoid (Barry or Void) and HermitcraftAlt (Alex). 

x likes to tinker with his camera accounts since he does other series apart from Hermitcraft, as well as the fact that he’s one of the hermit’s admins. all three of his cameras have the ability to alter the magic of the hermitcraft island. 

evil x was defuncto, ofc, and developed personality, which unlike joe or cleo, x didnt take to well. and he had valid reason to- x sees CAMCapture more than them, so so do his cameras, x actually displays his camera on screen a lot (like in mythbusting), and there was a higher chance he could get into serious trouble. 

but xisuma wanted to try something, so they did. he gave evil x a jacket, a physical one- the clothing that the cameras wear are all actual.. parts of the cameras. you can’t take them off unless the camera changes its clothes in customization processes, and the clothes do not rip, tear, or get stained. and he wore it over his arm-band, a marker of his droid-y-ness. 

and thus evil x became that lovable villain we see in hermitcraft episodes. he becomes a fan-favourite, almost, and its fun for x since they’re playing a game, almost. ex doesn’t obey x’s every command, which adds the ‘realism’.

eventually, ex gets tired and leaves. like, without a word. x is like HAH oh oh . oh o h. and finally reports that ex is missing.

of course, x doesnt want to get in trouble with the law, so he says that he didn’t know ex was malfunctioning, which .. worked, lmao. so CAMCapture sent out people to look for ex but he’s gone. not a trace. no one knows where he is.

i mean i do. he works accounting now and over time his brace stopped working as well as it can, meaning a lot of x’s abilities, specifically the one he’d need to change form, are gone. 

i do totally imagine people initially saw him and were like oh cool! an evil xisuma cosplayer! and he just >:(

hes not dead but hes certainly not an android anymore. and legally, evil xisuma is a criminal ! woo we did it folx. i dont have an alias for him yet but now i do really wanna draw accounting xisuma soo. lmao thx for reading?

[mc-slowwalker]

currently watching punz’s mcc vod and have not gotten an ad so far so there is that

ikr??!? like their system is just so bad. I love learning, I love knowledge and knowing stuff but gosh. also half my lecturers are just not good. like all they do is read off the slides like I can do that myself :/ :(

oh god know I could never be an updates account. I don’t even know how they get half their information like how does one figure out that dream commented on some random tik tok??? I meant that I’ve been a person that has seen a tweet feom an updates account that dream is on some stream and gone to that stream. yeah I never know what’s going on cause I never have the energy to catch up with stuff I’ve missed but also I have this like need to know everything so I just have like half the information. I don’t even know how dts work on twt. like sometimes they tell people to off themselves in qrts/replies or like dm them probably too, which is so, so shitty. but yeah it’s kinda laughable how they have to censor all the words. but yeah no dts are not cool in the slightest. I’ve never gotten any of that because for the most part I have a very limited online presence and like I wouldn’t get to worried by it or anything but it’s such a shitty thing to do. god the kaveytfon thing was so ughh. and all I saw of it was clips and summary threads. yeah I get that. it’s a bit annoying cause some of my irls are gamer nerds that dislike dream cause “he cheated,” “he scripts manhunts,” “he’s bad at the game,” “he encourages his toxic stans,” and some other “anti” arguments. but what can you do. like I was just talking about minecraft once and one of them was like “oh but he so cheated” like yeah dude we’re well past that now these days we’re shitting on dream for making questionable sounds on a discord podcast /j. yeah like 100% I know dream can handle it and his friends will back him if needed I just feel really sad for him sometimes. maybe it’s just me cause I sometimes have annoyingly emotional reactions to things unnecessarily. bbh popped off with that one tweet on main.

nah we just say uni here and I didn’t know if you also said uni in america or just college. ohhh I see. we just say uni here. ohh that makes sense. and that’s pretty handy! here the only subjects I’m required to do are any that could be a possible prereqs for any major that I may choose to do. a friend of mine who is now going to college in america is doing spanish too! haha yeah my english language teacher once said something about it like two years ago and it’s never left my head ever since.

brooo no,, beets are good!! well not always but I like them in one specific sandwich that I used to have for lunch in school when I was in yr10. but they’re definitely a great plot point. ughhh I 100% agree with the silly lore stuff. it’s so fun and I love it but all the fandom does is whine. like first they’re like “oh I miss silly lore” and then they’ll get silly lore and be like oh not like that. I will never forgive people for writing of l’sandburg. I was asleep for most of it but it was still great. so true!! that was jack manifold right? smartness man ever. everything that ever happens on the dream smp is canon, there is not “semi lore” or “just a bit.” I add the “bit” argument because I’ve seen it used to excuse some c!actions recently. lmaoo yeha like I enjoy high production lore especially if they’re passionate about it but there’s just something about silly minecraft roleplay that I love. like when I first joined the fandom, it was through animatics and then watching the actual streams was so different but in a good way

no we haven’t!! it’s on the list of stuff we still don’t know about. glad to know you agree that enderwalk and c!dream and best friends. idk much about ballsmp but it looks fun and 3rd like looks cool tok like I’ve seen artwork and it interests me. and I really wanna get into hermit craft. if I do with any of them it’ll probably be hermitcraft. wait I do not know about that but that’s absolutely hilarious. I may just not remember cause I feel like I do know about it but my memory is unbelievably shoddy.

oh hahahaa I was asleep for that bit but I heard about it lol. ahahahah george and sapnap just there after dream just leaves is so funny. never fails to make me laugh/not laugh when dream just leaves that quickly. dreams been on a roll since like mcc like he’s done so much. liek today he was even on bads stream playing gartic phone !! I missed it live cause I was busy but imma watch the vod now!

alright I’ve just gotten through like the half of punz’s mcc vod that I had left and not a single ad so woooo for that!

Yooo pay to win actually wins!

Lectures are a bitch I keep falling asleep in them!! Which is bad because I always decide to try and sit up front to show dominance but I keep falling asleep

Oooh sorry I thought you meant that you ran one. Yeah no how tf to they do it??? Everything ccs do seems so fucking random??? Also my brother hates dream not because he cheated but because his fan base is bad? The only fan base you know ya little shit is me step up fucker. I am emotionally attached to dream so I understand

Calling it university isn’t super common here and I don’t think most americans even know the difference. Honesty it’s more about what the school calls itself, so like theres Harvard University & Bowdoin College but you mainly refer to them by their names anyways.

No all beets are bad and I will take 0 criticism on this they’re bad in real life and they’re bad in minecraft!!! Did I forget to add that jack manifold said that I was pretty tired when I wrote it and kinda gave up my b akjdkd. Animatics are banger but they’re just 3 times more banger when they have to be taken out of context. I just started watching 3rd life from grian’s pov and I’m enjoying it so much! The idea is super interesting also big fan of any game that has proximety chat

I miss the garlic phone thing! I had a busy day but I wanna watch it after jack & scott ylyl

[drunkendragons]

I watched the Emoji Movie and heres my liveblog of it. I just- put all of this into a word document so I can just copy and paste. Also Im watching it on kimcartoon. Lets get this over with. Warning for swearing so if you aint into that dont click the read more. Also this probably wont make a whole lot of sense. Also spoilers. Merry Christmas.

The Sony logo followed by Columbia- they animated a fucking phone coming up and putting an emoji over the face of the Columbia chick. Here we fuckin go gents. Here. We. Fucking. Go.

I don’t know what im hearing but I don’t like it.

NARRATION!

Wow atoms and code to sound fake deep awesome

‘like every freshman in highschool, everything revolves around his phone’ followed by two people walking into each other. Hey so fuck you

‘and attentions spams get shorter and shorter and youre probably not even listening to me right now’ DOUBLE FUCK YOU

Emojis aren’t the most important way of communication in history, word ar- im like three minutes in and im already ready to frog.

TEXTOPOLIS ARE YOU FUCKING.

The shrimp is fucking Australian what a surprise I HATE KNOCKING OVER THE ELDERLY elephants remember joke ah hahh h a hh ah

Theres the poop joke. Great.

This fucking Meh is insecure

Are you fucking- HIS PARENTS. SAID. ‘I DON’T THINK YOUR READY.’ THIS MOTHERFUCKER COMES IN, MAKES A SHITTY MEH FACE IN THE MIRROR AND THEN THE MUM IS LIKE ‘o ye this kid is ready’ like??? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Boob joke with peperoni

Smiler was the Original Emoji are you for Serious

THERES NOTHING LIKE GETTING SCANNED FOR THE FIRST TIME

Why do they need to reproduce like- is there an emoji graveyard or something? Do emoji’s die? Also I betcha this smiler chick is like- obsessed with her popularity and doesn’t want to be replaced or something

Another poop joke.

Gotta be meh gotta be meh.

Words aren’t cool? Fuck you.

Wow he manages to fuck up everything on the first day what a surprise

Smiler is so passive aggressive holy shit

Angsty rooftop sitting

His parents fucking suggest that he becomes a hermit

Another poop joke- nope Im counting that as two

#TRUTH kill me

I dont think they know who their target audience is supposed to be cause i sure as hell fuckin dont

Shes flossing aggressively

He fucking? She was like ‘o you messed up once time to die’ lol

Why does high five wanna get into this fucking party so bad

He just called coffee edgy are you shitting me

HE CAN POINT BUT HE CANT FORM A FIST

‘theyll never find us down here’ bitch you just threw the fucking painting or whatever you were using to hide it

Also why is the Loser Lounge only accessible through blowing a hole in the wall of the Favourite Emoji place

Sweep so you won’t cry? What the fuck?

The eye animation on these foreground emojis make me Hate

#BLESSED

The meh I was meh-nt to be. no

IM SORRY ARE THEY WEARING THE FUCKING SKINS OF OTHER EMOJIS OR AM I MISSING SOMETHING

Im guessing the stormy one is the cloud.

What could a teenage boy possibly want to hide from his parents?

Why does this kid need to hide fucking illegally downloaded music? And viruses? And internet trolls? In a fucking fake-dictionary??

Couldn’t he just make a face when the bots are looking for him and they’ll think hes someone else.

Is this part just an ad for candy crush

If you’re over it TURN YOUR FUCKING SOUND OFF YOU MORON

She spat on Glasses Guy twice and then punched him. Chill.

Obvs. Kill me. Kill me in the face.

Why did she- sort of get all feministy and then have it ignored completely.

Is this an ad for youtube now.

Did his parents just get a fucking divorce.

Great highfive just ate his own vomit so that’s great.

I like the just dance lady. I think.

Theres literally no way he should have been able to get over to her. She should be dead.

Blushy hair push.

Slay.

Please don’t tell me they’re gonna try and make that a Thing

Oh my shes a princess what a shocker

Where the fuck did these bullshit murder robots even come from. And why the fuck do they need to dance and WHY THE FUCK CANT THIS STUPID KID TURN OFF HIS FUCKING SOUND.

Also that’s not how you delete an app.

Welp the only character I liked died and it wasn’t highfive.

Why does this fucker scream unnecessarily

I AM :D SO :DD ANGRY :DDDD

Poop joke number whatever

IM LIVING THE UPGRA A A A AAAAAAAAAAAADE!!! (im sorry bmc)

Sassy gypsy. Fuck you.

Oh cool an unnecessary cut to highfive

TURN YOUR FUCKING SOUND OFF YOU MORON ITS SO EASY

Oh look another brushed off feminist thing

Are they gonna fucking kiss I swear

ANOTHER CUT TO HIGHFIVE FOR N O REASON

Oh look the parents are back. Or the mum is at least.

Wow the dad has other emotions wow

God I fucking hate this movie. So much.

How the fuck did Jailbreak know that she had upgraded her bot

Let me guess it fucking grabs jailbreak and then they have to save her

Oh well that didn’t happen but they’re in the dropbox now and highfive vomited up a candycorn again

I’ll feed you answers that I DON’T KNOW

Highfive stop being such a bitch about handing over the answer

I wanna know where she got the fuckin wristband from

Ooo shade. Kill me.

Did she hack herself. She did didn’t she.

ARE YOU SERIOUS HE GOT HEARTBROKEN AND THAT’S WHAT MADE HIM MEH? FUCK YOU

Also the robot coming into the dropbox is bullshit and contradictory to what Jailbreak said and Im mad about it

Jailbreak please don’t give up your dreams to follow that fucking moron

She fucking called down the twitter bird.

You could say the malfunction is in his Genes.

Poop joke again

Callback to what he said before

WHAT FUCKING KID DELETES EVERYTHING OFF THEIR PHONE BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW TO TURN OFF THE SOUND.

Yo everyone just died but lets have an emotional speech

And a flashback montage

Okay but she should be fucking dead

ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO CAN ACTUALLY EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS FUCK YOU

That isn’t how phones work

I hope he payed the lady for wastING HER FUCKING TIME

Wow everyone loves him now yaaaay

Oh b oy  a fucking dance ending

Let me guess, emoji po- yep there it is

Of course theres the selfie

Okay but literally gene is the only emoji he needs. Hes the Alpha Emoji.

I hate this.

Its over.

I fucking hate this.

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/3/19 11:39pm the aftermath

Spencer and i broke up today.

I am so exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My chest hurts from breathing and thinking and seeing him. I feel hollow but also so fucking heavy i can’t move. I feel hurt, i feel frustrated, i feel confused and i feel so fucking angry that this is happening one of the weekends i was looking forward to the most this summer. I am really really frustrated and really sad.

I had been in costa rica for like 10 days. I was so excited to see him. I just landed at the airportand he texted that he was on his way to my house and i was excited that i would have most of the day and the night to be with him. I would get to talk about the trip and be excited and kiss him and talk about the larp.

Fuck i just wish he could express anything ever. Fuck.

Where was i? I got home, i was trying on larp stuff and being excited and he got there and he seemed normal and we went to my room and i changed back into normal clothes and he sat on the other end of my bed and i was motioning for him to sit with me and he moved to still sit across from me and i was like what’s up?

And he just sat there holding my hands and stuttering and trying to speak and stopping and then i said,

Are you trying to break up with me?

And he said yes, I’m sorry. And i just felt like confused and like aw he’s having trouble speaking but also what are you doing?

And then i was like why? Why are you doing this right now, we have such a fun weekend planned and we have a party tomorrow and a larp and all this to celebrate together, why are you doing this now? You couldn’t have waited until after our fun weekend, until after my fun weekend? Until after i could do the stuff i had been so excited about and planning and planning with you? You couldn’t have waited??

Theres never a good time..

There fuckin is, it’s called ANY of the times i brought it up to you that thigs weren’t working. ANY of the times i said we weren’t communication well. ANY of the times i said i wasn’t happy or that we’re so different or that we just love differently. THATS when you mention the fact that you feel that way too. You fucking. Tell. Me. You fucking say hey I’ve been feeling that way too, we are super different, our communication doesn’t work well together, idk if I’ve been super happy. You fucking say something then. You don’t calm me down over and over saying that we’ll work it out we’ll work it out and then drop this on me literally an hour after i get home from a trip and before this really fun weekend that i would have liked to enjoy. I really was looking forward to this stuff and now you fucking ruined it. I’m not the kind of person who deals with shit by going out partying and pretending everything is fine. I fucking know it’s not fine and i see peoples faces looking at me with the “how ya doin?” face and the pity and the “oh wheres spencer?”

Dude, fuck you.

It’s not like i didn’t also think the relationship wasn’t working. I went back and forth so many times on whether or not to end it or stick it out, but i wouldn’t have fucking dropped it on you right before you had a bunch of important shit to do

Fuck you

Of course i knew it wasn’t working, we been knew. It hasn’t been working since the start frankly, we don’t communicate cohesively. I actually have emotions? And talk about them? And want to hear how you feel about stuff? What a fucking concept???

Fuckkkk youuu

I actually cared enough to go out of my way all the damn time to do what you needed, and show you how i felt, and love you the way you receive it best. Where was my gesture? Where was forthought into doing something for me? Where were any words that actually came from your heart and not phrases that i said were special to me?

Dude, fuck you man.

I’m angry. I’m really really frustrated because we talked so many times about when i was having doubts and when i was feeling like we needed help and we needed to fix shit and where i asked you over and over AND OVER!! HOW YOU FELT! That’s when you fuckig say something! You fucking tell me hey I’ve been having some doubtsabout the relationship and I’m not sure if I’m happy, and then we would have talked, seen that we felt the same way, and ended things respectfully together. But instead, you kept that shit in for months so you could blindside me before i have shit to do

FUCK. YOU.

How do you expect relationships to go? We small talk, fuck, eat, and sleep? And give each other space but don’t ever text or talk while we’re apart? What kind of relationship is that?

Beat change

What kind of relationship was i settling for? With someone who, not wouldn’t, but couldn’t share their feelings. Someone who was incable of really anything involving emotional intelligence. Someone who RARELY asked me how i was doing or what i was thinking about or how i was feeling. Never asked about my past, never knew HUGE pieces of who i am because he never bothered to dig around? He never knew about my depression, or the self harm, or the eating disorder, just a few. So many parts of what ultimately made me me and he just never asked. I asked about him CONSTANTLY and i could never get much.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i have to do so much fucking legwork to get the affection i need and so much effort to train him how to respond to a text in less than an hour. What was i settling for? Because he was the one? Hell no, we been knew this was casual from the start

OH THAT TOO! BITCH THIS WHOLE OPERATION WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!

We weren’t even dating! We weren’t a couple! We were hooking up and then YOU decided you liked me more and YOU decided you wanted to be exclusive and YOU wanted me to be your girlfriend and YOU initiated all those conversations that got us here. And then YOU have the audacity (I’m being dramatic) to step out after you decide theres no fixing us when you didn’t even give it a fair shot. When i brought up how to make us better and how i asked how you felt about every little thing just to gain an inch of insight into what the fuck was ever on your mind.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i had to stretch to get reassurance. Where i had to stretch to get validation. Where no compliment came free or unprovoked. Basically everything you ever told me was because i fucking prompted you to speak. If i hadn’t, we wouldn’t. If i didn’t start a conversation, there was no conversation.

God i am so fucking angry about it. Yes I’m sad and we’ll get to that, but I’m really fucking angry. And i feel guilty because i want to shut down and not be social but i feel like people are fucking relying on me to show up to stuff and drive people to things and camp and do all this and i fuckiiiiinnnggg wanna just not.

But i can’t be a hermit because then i let everyone down. If i bail that means mark has no ride or tent and julia won’t go and shell be bummed and shea will be mad because I’ll miss another fucking larp and everything falls on me

But if i go, i know myself, and I’m gunna be a fucking wreck the whole time. I’m gunna be crying and not wanting to participate and I’m gunna have to watch all the couples be happy and be like “so wheres spencer? What happened? Are you okay?”

I hate are you okay.

Fuckin..???? Like..???? Naw?? I got dumped before a bunch of shit i was super excited for and now can’t be excited because I’m heartbroken and have to do all this shit without him after getting my hopes up that he would go and it would be so romantic and right up our alley and so fun.. and now it’s fucking ruined and everytime i think about the larp, i think about how many people are counting on me to go and how people will say they understand but are also super disappointed and secretly hate me for throwing a wrench in our plans

BUT ITS NOT MY FUCKING WRENCH

ITS HIS WRENCH BECAUSE HE COULDNT HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME HOW HE WAS FEELING MONTHS AGO OR, and i can’t stress this enough, FUCKING WAITED UNTIL AFTER.

I’m mad because he knew how important this weekend was to me, that i literally cut my family vacation short to spend time with him, and i can’t even get to enjoy it with my friends now cuz i swear theyre all gunna be looking at me and thinking ah shit is she ok, should we say something, is she drinking too much, is she eating too much, is she blinking too much, hey are you okay?

I’m frustrated too because i swear i went back and forth on breaking up with him so much and i can’t believe he’s the one who did it, and blindsided me, and ruined my fun weekend. I literally texted mark like a week before my trip in a frenzy like I NEED TO BREAKUP WITH SPENCER! And he talked me down. Yah, mark talked me down. Who always seemed to hate spencer and not like that we were dating, he fucking talked me out of ending it. MARK.

Dude, fuck you, right now. Fuck you for not being about to just talk to me. Fuck sake, it can’t seriously be that difficult to have an emotion formed into a single thought right? I do it constantly. How hard is it to say “i feel like we’re having problems” or “I’m struggling” or fucking anything. Nah, just keep it in and unleash it on the worst time possible. Sounds super.

Fuck you man.

Ima go to bathroom or something. I need to walk this off. Fuck I’m so angry

Also, fuck you for the corny friend line near the end

“I hope that someday-“ “i swear to god if you say that we can still be friends..” “well.. yeah, id like to”

Like, fuck me gently with a chainsaw, i don’t wanna be your friend, dude. We don’t really have a lot in common, it’s kinda part of why we’re breaking up, remember?

The couples who usually stay friends after a breakup are the ones who have a ton in common and lose attraction for each other, whereas spence and i have eh not a lot a lot in common, and i reaaallyy attracted to him. That pairing doesn’t bode for great friends. That sets us up to be like fuck buddies again. No, i don’t wanna be friends. At least not now. I basically said we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but honestly, fuck that noise, ok? That’s basically u saying that I’m not attractive and that youd be fine just hanging out in groups and hitting on my friends.

Pass.

I’m glad i asked about romy tho. I always thought he had a thing for her and maybe that was why he wanted to end things. Theyd make a good match i guess. Both of them are incapable of expressing any emotions and are crazy stoners.

Man i am not gunna miss the potheads. Omigod. I worry so fucking much about his health and I’ve told him many times. Youll notice, if you read the records back, not once has he expressed interest in my health. Never commented on drinking or working out or anything really. Never worried about my safety ever. Not even after i was sexually assaulted, which i know is a low blow, but honestly..??? Where was the concern? Where was the fuck that guy attitude? If someone had groped spencer, you better believe i would say some shit. I would fucking destroy them. I wouldve done anything to keep him safe, including getting sexually assaulted so that i could get his drunk ass home. Whos gunna carry you back to your dorm anymore? Whos gunna take care of you when you’re throwing up from alcohol poisoning? Won’t be ANY of the people in your inner circle, I’ll tell you that much. Your friends don’t give a shit about your health and it shows and it broke my heart everytime. I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

And then offer you weed. Then you threw up again and they passed out. Ffucking what? call me overattentive, but thank god you had me those nights. When you passed out drunk behind a tent at BFtR or when you got too high at a wonderland party or when you drank too much at the alpha toga party and were throwing up in ralphs bags while your friends IGNORED YOU. whos gunna do that for you now? Are you gunna end up dead after a delta party one day because your friends don’t give a shit about you? I worried about this NONSTOP. Because i cared so much about you, and i still do. And i would worry every time youd leave the house and go to bars or whatever because i know that something like that is going to happen again, and I’m not gunna be there to pick up the pieces and give you a placw to sleep and make sure you drink water and take medicine and care about you. Tell me which one of your “friendsl is going to care about you the way i did. Cuz I’ve watched them all fail that test frankly and it breaks my heart.

But i guess.. that’s not my problem anymore. The days of getting you home safe after one too many is over. The nights of staying up till 5 am holding your hair up are over. The conversations I’ve tried to have about your health and hoping youd change those habits is over. Cuz it can’t be my problem anymore. Cuz i can’t watch you kill yourself anymore. I can’t watch you poison yourself everyday anymore. I can’t watch you hurt and hurt and shove it all down anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t watch you be high anymore. I can’t look at you with your eyes drooping anymore. I can’t worry about you taking weird drugs and acid and wondering if you’re okay anymore. Cuz I’m not your girlfriend anymore, and i can’t be your friend either. But i hope you get such a friend soon. I hope you find a better person to look after you a little. Cuz I’ve watched too many of your “friends” just inable you to do dumb dangerous shit. I can’t watch it anymore

I’m not gunna fight for us to stay together. I’m not gunna ask you to reconsider. I’m gunna (try to) not reach out. I don’t wanna talk. Theres nothing more to say. Anything else, all of this, is just me being angry. And needing to get out anger, but it doesn’t ever need to see him. He doesn’t need to hear how I’m feeling. He doesn’t need to see me suffer. He doesn’t need to hear that I’m angry or sad or doing well. He feels enough guilt as it is, and i don’t need to add to it.

But i can still be angry. And i can still be sad. And at some point, I’m gunna do okay. Because that’s how this shit goes. You go up and you go down and you have friends, real friends, there to catch you. And i hope you do too.

For now, it’s too hard. It’s too hard to look at my instagram with pictures of you. It’s too hard to see your face. It’s too hard to think about what to do about your mom and sister that follow me. It’s too hard to think about if i want to take the pictures down.. cuz what if you do..

I guess i should probably sleep.. but i just feel really fucking hollow. And really fucking heavy. And really fucking tired. But really fucking sad... like really fucking sad..

And i bet he’s feeling none of it. Cuz that’s what he does. He pushes everything away and never talks about how things affect him.

As we were talking, he said that this was the most he’s cried in the past years combined. And considering the last year he had, that is really fucking sad. In some ways it’s nice to know i had a big impact, but also like.. god.. he needs to be talking to someone. He needs a therapist. He needs help. He says he doesn’t, but he does. We dated for 10 months and he couldn’t talk about his dad. We never talked about my past. He really scimmed the surface of what a connection should be, and that’s really sad. And he ended it before he could make some real improvement because he was getting better.. really slowly but he was.

Idk what to do with myself. Idk how to feel or what to say or who to say it to. I want to sleep and i want to do yoga tomorrow. And i want to figure it out from there.